Moore Style - How Do We Learn To Trust Again?

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

In this week's episode, I go into my personal story about trust and how it has been a big part of my life and healing journey. From my memories of being in the womb of my teenage mother to learning to open my heart even deeper to my teenage daughter, my story is full circle and not without its ups and downs.  In this week’s episode I get vulnerable for you guys in the hopes that you can find the vulnerability in yourself and learn to trust again.    In this week’s episode, we discuss:  [1:49] The topic of trust [3:01] My tumultuous journey with trust [5:18] A defining moment when I was seventeen  [6:21] The father of my child and our relationship [7:51] The relationship between my daughter and I  [12:11] The importance of learning to trust yourself  [14:56] How to rebuild trust once it’s broken [17:10] Questions to start your healing process 

Hi, everyone. I'm your host, Celeste Moore, and you are listening to the Down and Dirty podcast, aka the Double D's of dating. This is a podcast for navigating the ins and outs of modern midlife dating. Here, we will discuss the challenges that men and women face in today's dating world. Like many industries, this one is forever changing, and I believe this platform will help those who need or want it. Today, it is the best time to take control of your desired outcome, whether it is a marriage, significant other, life partner, or just to gain the confidence in dating once again. Every other week, we will dive in and talk about different viewpoints that seem to be challenges in today's dating arena. So let's get into today's episode.

Welcome everybody to another episode of the Down and Dirty Podcast. As always, I'm your host, Celeste Moore. I want to thank you again for listening to the show. It means so much to me, and I hope that by listening here, you will learn something that is useful to you in the dating and or relationship world. Remember, please go leave a review, leave a five-star rating. It really helps my show get seen so that I get more downloads so that it can educate more of you wonderful, beautiful people out there. So today is usually an episode of my talk dirty episode where I answer all your burning desired questions, but today I felt that I really wanted to talk about trust. For some reason in my life, I have been experiencing a lot of what I'm going to be

talking about today. So I'm going to share a little bit about my life and my story and the trust issues that have arisen for me over the years. You know, trust is one of the main building blocks in a healthy relationship. Trust is having one's respect, being honest with each other and having the space to feel completely safe. And as you can see and understand why this is one of the building blocks of a healthy relationship. So I know this can begin in childhood and how we are raised, but it can also stem from rejection, bullying, negative relationships, PTSD and trauma, and even mental health. For me, there was defining moments throughout my life where trust for me was broken. And I think I'm going to start from the very beginning because obviously it really

is the beginning of my life. The very first experience and or memory was actually in the womb. And I didn't know this until later, obviously, but I always had a slight memory, a slight feeling of this and my parents were teens having a baby. So that in itself was crazy. And the timeframe was in the later 1970s when this was also very unacceptably socially. I don't still think it's that acceptable today, but at least it's less demoralized. But my mother had parents who were preparing her to make the decision to either give me it for adoption or to keep me.

And this decision was really given to my mother. if she was going to make an adult decision by having sex as a teen then she was going to make the decision whether or not to keep me or put me up for adoption ultimately my mother decided to keep me but I know that I felt such a struggle within the womb I felt this you know holy shit I'm pregnant at 14. I'm going to have a baby at 15. Like, what do I do? I'm not prepared. But I remember my mom still saying to this day, it's the best thing that she did in life. It's one of the most important decisions she made. And she knew then when she decided to keep me that it was, it ultimately was the best decision. And that's a whole nother conversation. You know, my father

was scared shitless and he bowed out. And I know that he felt so unprepared to be a dad, let alone he could probably just hardly take care of himself at this point in his life. I mean, he was only 17 and I know that I definitely felt unwanted and had a sense of abandonment when my father wasn't around and decided to, to leave. So that was my very first memory of not really knowing that those two people I would rely on the most in my life, but had that sense of not being able to have a safe space to trust somebody. The next defining moment was when I was 17, my mother and I really had some straining times. She was newly divorced and she didn't have the normal seasons that people normally have in life. She missed out on dating in her teens and her twenties. And she started

doing those things because she missed out. So she was 33 acting kind of like a teenager or somebody in their young twenties. And she brought home a new boyfriend of hers. And I did not get along with him to say the least. I despised him and was very vocal about it. And due to this agreement with my mom, she decided I should leave home. I was absolutely devastated. And I thought my mom of all people would never choose a man over me. At this point in my life, I had two of the most important people in my life break the space of safety and trust. The next one was the father of my child. We had tried to have my daughter for a couple of years. I ran into some health issues and we were really planning to be a family. Well, I soon found out that he was not living by his

word or his commitment. And this commitment was to be a father and a partner and to be a part of the family. And I soon realized that he had an extensive use of drugs and he wasn't giving that up anytime soon. This is the way he chose to deal and cope with his life. And I knew that I did not want that for my daughter. I did not want all of the things that come with that. It's not just drug use. It's the line. It's not being around when you say you are all of these things. And I wanted to give her the best life. And so I decided that I had to remove ourselves from the very toxic situation of that relationship. So I was left to be an only parent to my daughter after successfully terminating his parental rights. I didn't want to remove parental rights. That's not what I want for

any man and his children. But over and over and over again, he was a liability. And believe me, if my daughter was in his life, any shape or form, she would have been very worse off. And I'm very grateful for the way that that turned out, but it was super painful. And another moment that actually slapped me in the face was last year, just a year ago, I was going through a really rough patch, raising a teenage daughter, the realization that my walls of steel were not helping build this healthy communication that I long for her to have. You know, communication is the only way that we understand each other as we're going through these growth spurts. And we don't even know ourselves as a teen, let alone like want to talk to our parents.

You know, no one could knock down these walls, these Fort Knox walls that I had up. And, you know, she said to me, you have these walls up. I can't talk to you. I don't feel comfortable talking to you. And it was really, really hard to hear. You know, I looked myself in the mirror and I realized that I need to start working on myself or was going to lose the absolute best thing that had ever happened to me. And that's my daughter. And if you know me, then you know that she is my world. I never knew a love like this before. And there was no way I would let anything between us, especially me be the problem. I knew that I had been in survival mode for the last 16 years of my life, but I had not realized that this would no longer serve me.

I'd built up this armor to protect her and I from harm and hurt and lies and false expectations. And the list just goes on. And this is not the life I want to live anymore. I don't want to survive. I want to thrive. I want to live. So, you know, the things I did right away was I needed to find a good therapist to work through some of these traumas, right? You can't just say, oh, I'm recognizing something and then I won't do it again. You have to dig deep. You have to get rid of these things and work on these things. And, you know, I had no idea how to raise a teenage daughter. I mean, nobody does, right? I always heard my parents. I never was given a guidebook on how to be a parent. And it's like, when you become a parent and you go through these things,

you realize, oh shit, they're so right. And everybody's different and everybody has their own challenges. You know, I also, I needed a lot of guidance through this changing process that she was going through and I'm going through, you know, how I used to parent when she was eight is no longer working for us. So I also had taken a lot of classes with professionals in the respected fields of healing, different therapies of healing. I bought books about trusting and communicating. I am no longer allowing these walls to be impenetrable. I got good at surviving, but honestly, it was so exhausting thinking that I can do this all by myself. No one else will let me down because I know how to do it. And these stories that I've told myself over and over and

over. Nobody's going to be there for me. Why count on someone? Because that's been my experience with the most close relationships in my life. But this is so not true. I am so happy that I get to change my story and my future. I am forever grateful for my daughter because she has shown me where I need to grow for grounding me for loving me unconditionally. You know, she has given me this gift. And Matt, you know, I love her more than she will ever know until maybe one day when she has a child, not to say that she won't love me tremendously and doesn't love me tremendously. There's just something about the most beautiful thing in the world that you created. And it's just amazing. So, you know, when we don't trust one another, we like flip out over the

small things we nag and constantly call out someone's mess ups. Ultimately, this is just a road to disaster. And it's only going to push the other person further away. If that person is constantly being accused of lying all the time, then they might as well continue. You know, when we're not able to control the outcome, then this only fuels our fire for people that don't trust. So I do believe that this is not spoken about enough, but first and foremost, you must learn to trust yourself. Once you learn to trust the decisions you will make will allow the space for others to come into your space so that you can trust them. You know, you will need to start with healing past traumas and experiences and the things that got you to the place

where you are. And maybe you don't know exactly what it is, but go backwards. Start when you are young. Like, I don't know, that's just what I did. And, you know, write down those experiences, maybe just writing them out and journaling them will help realize you'll help realize like what what it is that actually really hurt you and it may sound easier than it is or maybe it's easier than you had in your mind but either way you must allow the walls to come down so that you can be vulnerable vulnerability is a strength and not a weakness if we are not vulnerable then we cannot not love that unconditionally deep love, but rather it only stays on the surface.

And what surface love, that's not real love. When we are children, we truly are in the hands of our caregivers, parents, guardians, and we learn from them, right? Because we're kids, we don't know any different. And when we get older and we start having these friendships and relationships with a boyfriend or girlfriend,

then we realize that some of these things that our parents taught us and we learned as a child, they don't always work in our adult relationships. And that goes with everything, you know, our coping skills, you know, what's normal to us. But as adults, we have the obligation and the opportunity to change those old coping skills and behaviors that no longer serve us so that we can move forward. Otherwise we're going to have the same patterns show up in our next relationships and oh it can be everybody else it's not me then you realize you know what I am the common denominator here and it is me so I have the ability to change my story and I think that's really important for everybody to hear you know

it takes work and commitment and being open to looking at ourselves in the mirror and doing the work. You know, this can be scary and really hard to do, but I promise you, I promise you that if you can have the life you want by digging deep and continuing to grow, wouldn't you want that? You can have it. You know, there's so many examples that I've heard and read about what breaks one's trust, but I really don't want to go into that today. I'd rather focus on the important question is how do we build trust once it's broken? What are some ways in which we can build trust with a partner if it has been broken? I want to preface that some trust can be rebuilt, but you must start by doing these steps. You know, they're not in any particular order. I want to

preface that, but these are some of the steps for healing and moving forward. You must completely come clean, let it all out. Be honest. You will need a clean slate to be able to start building this new foundation, right? And this can be really hurtful and it can be hard for us to hear our mistakes that we've done or that, you know, this can be difficult, but I promise with going through this. If it's something that can be rebuilt, then this is where you need to start. You will need to have open communication. You'll need to apologize and really mean the words, I am sorry. Showing empathy is important when apologizing and owning up to your mistakes. Make sure you are understood. Listening is a very powerful tool. So listen with your heart

and your soul. Also reiterate what you said back to your partners so that you are both crystal clear. You guys are, you heard what I said. This is what I meant. And this is have them say it back to you so that the communication, you guys are on the same page. Make sure to not repeat the same patterns. This will only break the trust again. And it may be unfixable if this continues to happen. Every day, recognize when someone follows through on a promise. It is the small things that build that trust back. Show gratitude and do not take anything for granted, especially the relationship. Lastly, some trust just cannot be rebuilt. And you must let go of that relationship and begin to work on yourself before getting into any other relationship.

here are some questions you can start with maybe to a therapist a counselor a healer ask why do i continue to be dishonest another question is do you believe that you do not deserve a great relationship so you self-sabotage another question is is this the same bad habits that are replaying in all my relationships another question is does this stem from a bad relationship or from childhood these are just some examples if you don't know where to start but if you continue to look inward and do the work and answer these questions then i promise you you will grow and learn and be better you one last comment i have our word is all we have there is an amazing book that i would recommend

And to anyone listening here, it's an easy read. It's such a monumental part of relationships. So please read this if you can. It is called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. And he thoroughly explains in detail that our word is all we have. That's one of the agreements. Another one is to not make assumptions. And, you know, there's other two agreements in the book,

but I really want to focus on the importance of our word and not making assumptions because these are truly key factors when we want to build or we rebuild trust. Honestly, this is just a great book and you will get so much out of it. I don't want to go into it too much because he explains it way better than I can ever. And I'm only here for a few minutes. So again, thank you for listening to my story and allowing me to feel safe and heard. and now get out there and create the most beautiful story of your life

because you can. You're the driver in the seat. Nobody else. Have a wonderful evening. Thanks for tuning in to today's episode. Come and hang out with me on Instagram at Celeste Moore Image. Let me know your thoughts on today's episode

because I always love hearing from you all. You can find all the links and resources in the show notes of the episode on my website, celestmore.com. Okay, that's all for now. I'll see you in the next episode. See you next time, friends.