Moore Style - Learning to Date Like a Goddess with Allison Jayne Ewing

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

No one expects to be divorced and single at midlife but what if that experience gave you the chance to call in the man of your dreams? Seasoned psychotherapist and EFT practitioner Allison Jayne Ewing joins us today to talk about her experience with dating at midlife and how that led her to help other women find healthy, available single men who will love and adore them. Allison debunks some common misconceptions around dating in midlife, walks us through how to use EFT tapping, and gives us practical tips to embody our inner queen from her book “Find Love Again: Learn to Date Like a Goddess”. She reminds us that dating can be a fun and positive experience when we step into our power. If you’re ready to let go of the fear, projections of others, and the stories you’ve been told around midlife dating, you’ll love this episode.   In this week’s episode, we discuss: [1:30] About Allison Jayne Ewing [2:33] What led Allison to help mid-life single women call in the men of their dreams? [7:05] Competition between women vs. sisterhood [9:54] Making dating decisions out of fear  [13:20] How Disney impacted women's lives [16:56] Empowered dating and knowing your worth  [21:40] Tapping into your authentic self  [25:53] The journey vs. the destination  [30:10] The reticular activating system  [40:17] An example of EFT tapping [50:27] Working on yourself in dating - being open and communicative [54:28] How to crown yourself as a queen to attract your king [1:02:05] Allison’s favorite date   Connect with Allison:    Website     Instagram   TikTok   Sign up to get Allison's E-book for FREE!

Hi, everyone. I'm your host, Celeste Moore, and you are listening to the Down and Dirty podcast, aka the Double D's of dating. This is a podcast for navigating the ins and outs of modern midlife dating. Here, we will discuss the challenges that men and women face in today's dating world. Like many industries, this one is forever changing, and I believe this platform will help those who need or want it. Today, it is the best time to take control of your desired outcome, whether it is a marriage, significant other, life partner, or just to gain the confidence in dating once again. Every other week, we will dive in and talk about different viewpoints that seem to be challenges in today's dating arena. So let's get into today's episode.

I'd like to welcome everybody to another episode of the Down and Dirty podcast. Thanks again for jumping on here and listening to the show. It really absolutely means the world to me that I've been given this opportunity and this platform. I'm forever grateful for all the amazing guests that I get to interview and continue to educate everybody here listening. Before I dive into today's episode, I want to introduce to you my guest today. Her name is Allison Jane Yui. She is a seasoned psychotherapist and EFT practitioner. After experiencing a divorce herself, Allison decided to focus on helping other midlife women find healthy, available single men who will love and adore them. She works using a powerful tool

called EFT Tapping to have women clear all blocks to successful dating and open up the excitement of falling in love again. Her recently published book, Find Love Again, Learn to Date Like a Goddess, is a guide to igniting your inner goddess and finding the man of your dreams. Welcome, Allison. Thank you so much for coming on today's show. Thank you for having me. I'm super excited to be here, Celeste. Yay, me too.

I can't wait to dive into this, you know, juicy, juicy topic of how we can find our inner goddess. Can you tell me a bit about your own experience that led you to helping midlife women, you know, attract the man of their dreams? Yes, absolutely. Well, I experienced a divorce myself at midlife at 42, suddenly found myself single again. And of course, none of us really expect that in life. I don't believe.

Seriously. So, yeah. And so I started dating. And what also happened simultaneously while I started my own dating adventures is I seemed to just magnetically draw in a lot of other single women. they sort of jokingly called me the divorce whisperer in my town. I like that. So there's always some divorced woman crying in your backyard, Allison. And so I kind of gathered this like amazing group of women around me that I sort of jokingly adopted the name, my goddess posse.

I love that. Oh my God. I love that. And it was, it was really great because we were able to support each other and lift each other up. I think one of the really hard things about being single at midlife is most people you know are married couples and most of the social activities are married couples. And you can feel like, you know, the third or fifth wheel or whatever in a lot of settings. And so gathering like a group of single women was great for that, for socializing and that kind of thing. But also then we were able to support each other with our dating adventures and our ups and our downs. And, you know, there's always seems like there's somebody who's sort of down on dating in the in the group when and then there's like four more people were like no it

actually can be so fun if you let it and so I started sort of gathering stories basically my own stories and their stories and I combined it with my own knowledge and experience and it's actually funny I was listening to your podcast and one of your early ones where you interviewed your mom about. Oh, wow. Number one. And so you were talking about how she's always like growth oriented person and always wanting to learn. And I'm the same way. And I was a psychotherapist for 20 years and I knew a lot about individual psychology, but I realized when I got divorced, I didn't know very much about couples and relational psychology. So while I was dating, I kind of took a deep dive on that. And I started taking all my continuing education

classes around that topic and things like that. And so I decided, okay, I'm going to combine all of this sort of human behavioral and psychology knowledge that I've gathered with all of this real life dating experience knowledge. And I'm going to make a really cool book because I'm going to have amazing personal vulnerable stories. And I'm going to have the know-how, the neuroscience, the actually how you can change your unhealthy relationship patterns and your subconscious blocks and all that together. And that was the book. Yeah, I love that you are able not only as a psychotherapist, but like you said, newly divorced in the dating industry or midlife dating yourself, because I think there's such a

a nuance of being in it at that time there's such a a relation that maybe you didn't like I don't know if this was a marriage that you had been since you were really young or I don't know how long the relationship was when he I think we met when I was 22 oh wow completely different oh yeah the dating world is very very different now right I mean obviously there was no online dating but there wasn't even texting I mean the way we relate to each other is so different now there was no social media there's none of that when I was last single yeah no I get it I completely understand because if you've like okay you get married or you're in a relationship and and 20 years later it's like wait I'm single and what is this online dating stuff and what is this and what

is that? And it's like, so yes, like you said, even though you've been, this is your field of expertise, but now you get to add in the experience that you're going through at the time. And I'm sure that's why all of these women are flocking to you because you have this raw vulnerability to you as well as like the education. And that's, that's gotta be huge. Yeah. And I think that in our society, it's kind of sad, right? A women, a lot of times are pitted against each other, or there's this sense that we need to compete. And even like, especially I feel like with midlife dating, like there's this, what I believe is a false, a limited belief that there is a very small pool of good available men and I've got to be better than the other woman. And I don't think

that's true at all, first of all. But second of all, I think it really does us a huge disservice Because when we can come together in a sort of sisterhood and support each other, everybody wins. Whereas when we're trying to like compete or tear each other down, nobody's winning. Everybody's feeling isolated. We are so much less powerful when we're doing that than when we are coming together and supporting each other and really being there for each other. I think that women, that is our power. That's our like feminine energy and power is in the connection and coming together. And, and that's what we thrive off of. And so I think it's really great that that is getting much more attention. I feel like it's getting much more awareness that this is a really important thing and forget, you know, throw out all that nonsense that you're not in competition with anyone there's there's a lid for every pot if what my partner always says oh I like my date coaching partner and like you only need one guy you don't need a hundred guys

you just need your guy and exactly yelps's guy is not your guy yeah I mean you make a couple super important points because yes when we are together as a sisterhood forget it we're powerful we're powerful alone but when we're together as a tribe working in unison it's just it's a really beautiful experience. And I, I haven't always had that in my life, but when I've had that, it's just like, why doesn't everybody do this? I don't understand what, what's so difficult. This is like amazing. We can get so much done and we can support each other and you have this strength and I have this strength and like, it's a village, you know, it's just absolutely truly powerful when you can connect into that sisterhood like you said it's it's super important and then also the

awareness that's happening and thank you for that because it truly there is someone for me there is someone for you and it's it's okay because we all have our different values and beliefs and our wants and desires and the pool is not limited I just think that when you have those limiting beliefs right then then that's when you're going to be limited so exactly exactly and none of us ever make good decisions out of fear i mean unless it's you know you're literally running for your life right you're being taped by a bear in the woods of the only time right so agreed in the most part in our modern day society we don't need fear to drive our decisions but you know our biology is such that we have this negativity bias in our brain, which is 10 times more likely

to see and attach to negative stimuli than positive, which is unfortunate, but it's just a reality of how we function. So it's really important to be aware of that negativity bias, though, especially when it comes to dating, because what's going to happen is, let's say you're online dating and you're swiping away, swiping left, swiping left, your brain will start to go, oh my God, there's no good guys. This is, you know, ick and ugh, I'm never going to find someone. So you're going to go into this like negative catastrophizing spiral in your mind that is going to bring up a lot of fear. And so then what happens when you're feeling all fearful and like, I'm never going to find anybody. Maybe I should call that ex-boyfriend that I broke up

with who really wasn't treating me that great, but maybe, maybe I should go back to it. Or, or maybe I should ignore my gut on this other guy and give him another chance or go out with him or whatever. So the fear will drive us to some really bad decisions for ourselves. And so the really important thing in my mind is to keep clearing the fear because the fear comes in all the time. It doesn't just like come in and go away for good. It'll constantly come in depending on the day, depending on what's happening in your life and all that. And the fear is what's going to make you believe that there's a limited amount of men. The fear is what's going to make you potentially make some bad decisions for yourself or even just get in your own head and drive down your own mood

with a lot of negative thinking. I'm always going to be alone kinds of thoughts, black and white thinking and things like that. So that's all from the fear of thinking that there's a limited pool of men out there. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah. We don't want to settle because I think what you're, a couple of those examples was, oh, I'll call the ex-boyfriend. Well, it's an ex for a reason, number one. Or this guy's all right. He's not so bad. Like I'll just, I'll just forget about X, Y, Z that's important to me, but he's got these other factors that, all right, I'll just deal with it. Just, you know, to be with someone rather than being alone. I think, I think there's that such fear in being alone as well. Yes, absolutely. That's, that's basically like the

two big fears I talk about in my book are the fear of sort of being alone or the idea of growing old alone. I think at midlife that has a lot more saliency. You know, I think when you're a younger woman dating there's sometimes a lot of fear around wanting to have a family in a certain time frame but now midlife it's like I don't want to grow old alone I hear people say a lot so I think that's a really big fear and then I think another really big fear is just the fear that I'm not enough and and I'll never be enough and so I think that can lead to settling sometimes too yeah yeah that's really true so I love this topic that you talk about in your book and it's Yes. How Cinderella fucked me.

Yep. That's a very popular chapter. That's just like, okay. So can you go into that a little bit? Tell me what you mean by that. Yeah, absolutely. I definitely grew up on the Disney movies. I wanted to be a princess. I had these, do you remember jelly shoes? We used to have jelly shoes. Yeah. I called them my glass slippers and I pranced around the house in my jelly shoes. So that's awesome. So I definitely, I mean, Cinderella was definitely a role model and it wasn't, honestly, I didn't even think about it when I was dating the first time around, you know, in my younger

years. But now in midlife, I started thinking about it and I really broke down Cinderella and maybe also because I had kids who had watched it since then. And I thought, well, yeah, this is really kind of messed up the messaging in here, you know? And if you think about it, it's like there's this prince and he's at the top of the stairs and he's sort of like apathetically looking down at this throng of women who are all competing, literally like knocking the stepsisters, like knocking each other out of the way for his attention. And they're kind of doing this whole like, pick me, pick me, please pick me kind of thing. And what I realized is that I sort of grew up with a mentality of that that's how dating works, that I was supposed to show up

for a guy, you know, cute enough, pretty enough, witty enough, smart enough, all the enoughs, so that hopefully he would choose me. And I realized that I was really like dating in that way. I was dating always showing up on a first date, hoping to be chosen, not going in there thinking about that I get to do the choosing. It just literally didn't even cross my mind for a while. And then I realized, like, what am I doing here? I mean, when I go to a job interview, yes, I hope to be chosen, but also I'm discerning whether or not I want to work there. And I realized that discerning piece and that sort of in my power vibe of like, hey you have to prove yourself to me just as much as I have to prove myself you know you have to

step up here and be all the things that I'm looking for just as much as I'm hoping to be the things that you're looking for as well and once I did that I realized there was a really big power shift and not like I'm saying oh you got to go into a date like in charge in the power because I actually feel the opposite of that. But the shift was I was in my own power. I was in my own body. I was in my comfortable, my own skin on dates after that. I could lean back in my chair and just relax. Before that, I had been on a few dates where I literally was like leaning forward, like head in my hand, like a teenage, like teenager, like, oh my God, I hope he likes me, you know, and that's not sexy or attractive. First of all, second of all, it's also, it puts

you in a position where you really could easily overlook some big red flags because you're just trying so hard to prove your worth to them that you're not even considering, are they what you are looking for and what would be worthwhile to you? And so when I started realizing, okay, Cinderella, we're just going to leave. And in fact, I actually do a mental exercise with my clients that I created off of this whole concept, which is Cinderella in reverse, which is picture yourself in the place of the prince. Picture yourself at the top of the stairs and a throng of men there trying to get your attention. And when you start to envision that and embody and kind of meditate on that, what happens is, is your brain starts to feel like there is more

possibility. You know, you're kind of combating that negativity bias I was just talking about with this imagery. And so you're starting to realize, wait a minute, there are, there are tons of single men out there and there, I can have my pick. It's not just like three guys are showing up in a room. There's, you know, there's how many billions of people on this planet and how many of them are single. And, you know, if we can start to like just brainwash ourselves into believing that there are plenty, that men are abundant, great men, good men, not just any men, right? Like men who want to treat you like a queen, not even a princess, because we've graduated from princess. Yes, we have. Men who want to treat you like a queen. There's lots of

them out there and if you start to imagine that and envision that you actually feel more empowered and you make better choices when you're out dating in real life because you're not coming from fear anymore yeah yeah it's such a it's such a great way because right i mean even my daughter grew up with disney and i'm like oh god do i have to like maybe we need to do this like exercise you just discussed because I think it's so important for for all girls right all women right when did you come to this conclusion did it just like hit you when you started to date again or was this just something that kind of came came over the years of I think it came through a couple of sort of ups and downs of the early dating okay days I guess it would be maybe the first so I've been

single now for seven years. So maybe the first like two years or so, I realized I was sort of doing this, wanting to be chosen. And, you know, of course, this whole time, my whole life, I've been doing a lot of personal work and inner work. And I do the EFT tapping, which we can talk a little bit more about. But just to explain how I use it is it's great for clearing fears. It is great for clearing negative beliefs, limiting beliefs and things like that. So I've been doing that work. I've been a student of that. I first got my training in 2014 before anyone had ever heard of it. Now I'd say a fair amount of people have heard of it. And when I first got my training in it, I started doing a lot of work around at that time, my relationship, me, my issues in a

relationship because I was married. And then when I was divorced, I started doing the work around being single. And so I do think part of this, part of my thoughts, and one of the great things about EFT tapping is when you clear the fear, it's like clearing like junk out of a closet, and then there's room for like insight to drop in. But I've had a lot of insight drop in over the last few years as I've been doing work on myself. And this was one of those insights that dropped in that sort of around just the whole idea of, I don't have to do anything to earn anyone's love, right? I mean, that's not really how we're raised most of us. Most of us are raised on the concept that you do have to prove yourself worthy.

And that could be, you know, not even just in terms of dating and love life, just in terms of, you know, we all have to work really hard. We have to be really busy. We have to sort of out busy each other and prove you can find yourself in conversations where you're like, oh, yeah, you think you have it bad. Well, listen to how bad I have it. And somehow our society is set up that kind of makes us feel like we are more valued or worthwhile if we are like killing ourselves, right?

If we're working so hard and we're super stressed out that that somehow reflects our value. And I was living that life very deeply unconsciously. And when I became more conscious and aware of that, I realized, wait a minute, I have to be super busy to be a valuable person, to be loved by others. and like I don't want to be like this is not good for me it's not healthy it's not fun my my kids know I'm stressed out like nobody's winning when you're just overly busy and stressed out all the time right so I realized that about myself with that stuff first and then I realized

oh it's the same with dating I don't have to prove myself worthy I just have to show up as myself because I don't actually want to attract anyone who isn't going to want to be with the authentic me. So if I'm showing up with a mask or putting on airs in any way, I might attract the person, but that's probably not going to be a very good fit for me. I want someone who is going to love me for me. Exactly. I mean, you nailed it. Like, you know, I mean, I'm sure this is something that you coach and teach your clients on really tapping into who that authentic self is, right? I think I know for myself, I'm constantly learning more and more about myself. I'm constantly growing. I love that. But there is an essence of like the makeup of me, right?

And being okay with that. I think that's another really big thing is like, well, like you said, this whole Cinderella mentality. This is how we are raised. This is how we're supposed to be as women, you know, dote on the man or just kind of like, be better and sexier and cuter and more attractive and all of these things but maybe that's not who you are because at the end of the day that's not who we are and it's gonna come out and it's gonna show and he's gonna be like well wait I thought you were this person and I'm not kind of cool with this person and then stuff just wasted time unraveling so absolutely yeah I really really really stress how important that is because there is someone there's not just one person for you yeah I don't I don't I don't

believe there's just oh one soulmate or you know I've had some really amazing relationships in my life and I've been very grateful but they're all different and hopefully the next one will be even better and even different but yeah there's multiple people out there for you yeah my Girlfriends and I talk about that a lot, but, you know, it's all about sort of leveling up, I think, too. You know, every relationship teaches you so much about yourself. And if you can look at it that way, then suddenly you realize that, oh, you know, obviously there's always heartache and heartbreak when things end and that can be difficult. But then what did you learn from that? I mean, I know when I first got divorced, I met a guy, I fell really hard.

We had a great thing and it was, I was like ready to, okay, this is, this is why I got divorced was that I was supposed to meet this person. And I, you know, I created some stories in my head around it. And then when it ended, it was very painful. Yes. However, fast forward a few years later, I'm so grateful that I had that experience because honestly, it was the, it was a lot of it was the pain of that loss that drove me to really dig deeper on this relational psychology stuff, to figure it out, to, to gather all this

information. And I would have never written this book if it wasn't for that breakup. Wow. And I can tell you, this book has been the most fulfilling experience of my life. I mean, this book next to like birthing my kids, birthing this book was like, it's number three, you know? So I wouldn't trade it for the world at this point. I love that. I do. No, I was going to say, and I really do feel that as I continue in relationship after relationship, actually, I was in a relationship when I was writing the book that ended when I was writing

the book. And I feel like even that was sort of kismet or whatever you'd say because, you know, fate, because I was like, wow, the relationship I'm describing that I want for my readers and my book is not the relationship I'm in. And, you know, I loved him and we had a great relationship and we're actually still great friends. And so there was, it was good, but it was like, okay, this taught me a lot and he treated me amazing. And I learned so many things and it's time to level up again. And so what I really love about that concept is especially, you know, whether or not you believe it, you can still believe in a soulmate. And I think that's great. A lot of

people do. But if you can get your mind off of the track of looking for your soulmate when you're dating, that I think is very important and very powerful. And I have a whole chapter on my book about sort of journey versus destination, because if you're going out on dates and you're kind of doing this, like, are you the one? No. Okay. Are you the one? No. Okay. You know, it is not a good vibe and you're probably not going to really, you know, get an authentic connection with anyone doing it that way. And it's just going to lead to you spinning and spinning and feeling like sort of more down. Whereas if you can go on dates and show up and think, what do you have to teach me? Like, what is the lesson going to be here? And almost just like, I'm going to be along for

the ride on this one and just see. And it can be simple things. Like I tell my clients, like, think about if you had a bad date, you know, we'll come in sometimes and say, oh, I had a terrible date. Okay, well, tell me one good thing that happened on this date. Like, just find one. Did you find a new restaurant you like? Did you drive a different route and realize there's less traffic? Just find something and hold on to that. Again, combating that negativity bias in our brain, we have to focus on positive things to try to fight against that. And then the other thing I always say is go out on these dates and just think, I'm here to learn about myself you know what do I want to learn what do I like what didn't I like

that that guy did what did I like use it as a little bit of a self-awareness strategy and right there you show up much more relaxed on a date when you do that because you're not showing up sort of with this leaning in energy of are you the one you're just like leaning back like what I wonder you know you have curiosity and wonder two words I love curiosity and wonder like I wonder what I'm gonna learn from this guy I wonder what this guy has to teach me and just approaching it from that it's really a much more empowered place to date from and you just have much more confidence and you actually can start to have fun I have a lot of clients when they start my eight-week program they're like dating sucks it is not fun you cannot convince me it's fun and then you know

usually about halfway through they'll start being like wow this is kind of fun I am actually I admit I'm kind of starting to have fun and when you have fun by the way you're super magnetic and then more guys start asking you out exactly I want someone once you've got like what is that energy and that fun vibe going on over there. Yeah, I love that because I just tell my clients on the first couple of dates, go have fun. Go pick something that you maybe haven't done that you want to do. So at least they're taking an original experience and like, let's try this out and forget about like if nothing else is great, you got to go do this. You got to go do it with someone and and I also love the fact that you know you are coaching your clients on

you know looking at the fear perspective you know we're so it's so ingrained in us that if we're not succeeding then we're failing right this whole notion of it's not a failure you are actually taking something from that like you said you've learned this you know from your heartache of a relationship while you're writing this book and it and that's so that's so important for people to know it didn't work out but what did you learn that you really want in your next relationship or what what you definitely don't want or you know so right absolutely there's no failures yeah it's all just learning experiences right yeah yeah absolutely and I do think I mean The big premise of my book and my whole approach to dating is when we change on the inside,

what shows up in our external reality changes. And a lot of people talk about that law of attraction stuff, and it sounds like magic, but interestingly, it's really not magic. I mean, there's actually a lot of neuroscience that explains it. There's a part of our brain called the reticular activating system, and that's the part of our brain that's responsible for seeing patterns. For instance, if you decide you're going to buy a Tesla, then everywhere you look, you suddenly see Teslas and you think, were they always there before? Or did I just see them now? And so that's your reticular

activating system. The same amount of Teslas were there, I promise you, but you just didn't see them. Or I remember when I first got pregnant, I was like, there always been so many pregnant people in the world. My brain just wasn't, wasn't cued to tap into that. And so unfortunately what happens for us is our reticular activating system is cued when it comes to romance and dating to tune into the patterns that our psychology have adopted as love. And it's called schema in psychology. So this, the love schemas that we have, and a lot of times those are built on early childhood stuff. Unfortunately, I know a lot of people don't want to hear that, but it's true. And so let's say one of your early caretakers was sort of hot and cold or emotionally unavailable.

Your schema, your psychological schema for love is hot and cold, emotionally unavailable. And so guess what? When you go out and start dating, guess what your reticular activating system is looking for. Hot and cold, emotionally unavailable guys. So that is what you're going to see. And that is why a lot of people have that experience of like, I keep dating the same guy in a different body, right? Like, how am I the one who continually meets these guys that are constantly broken, can't keep a job? Or how am I the one who keeps dating these guys with serious mental health issues or whatever. You know, there's, there's like patterns that we tend to continually date, even though it's a completely different person until we go back and we figure

out the pattern and we bring what is unconscious to the consciousness and we clear it out. And the clearing it out to me is the really important part. I know a lot of people are out there talking about bringing unconscious conscious. If it were just as easy as that, I think people would be doing a lot better than we are. Yeah. So the problem is, is that when we have these psychological schema that we've had our whole lives, 40, 50 plus years, it's really hard to let go of that. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel comfortable. If we had a chaotic caretaker growing up, we might date chaotic guys because that feels safe. And that feels like a familiar blanket that you're putting on, right? So you have to figure out how to release that schema, that subconscious pattern

of this unhealthy thing equals love. And that is where the EFT tapping can come in. And I am a practitioner. I do it with my clients. But what I love about EFT is it's actually a self-help tool. So anybody, any of your listeners right now can go and Google it and learn it. And it's really easy to learn. I have an instructional video on my YouTube page. There's tons of videos on YouTube about this. And in my book, every chapter, I end with a tapping script, which walks you through exactly what to say while you tap along on these very specific, these nine acupressure points in your body. And what that does is it sends a calming signal to your brain. And it's like pouring water on an emotional fire. It just kind of puts it out.

So if you have this neural pathway that chaos is love and you tap on it, not just one time, usually you have to do a couple of different, you have to get sort of all the different aspects of the problem. So if the problem, if you imagine it like a tabletop, what are the legs holding it up? you want to tap on one leg at a time, if you will. And so when you do this tapping, though, eventually that neural pathway will actually collapse in the brain and a new one will be sprouted. And just as flipping the Cinderella script on its head and thinking about yourself as the top of the script, it can also have this similar effect where all of a sudden chaotic men are not only not attractive to you, but they really can turn you on.

Oh, wow. And that's when you know you've done the good work because you're like, yeah, no, I can't even. And then what's cool is you start seeing new guys. And there's a story I tell in my book about this that I love to tell. And it was a woman who lived in a high-rise apartment building for eight years. and she was dating emotionally unavailable guys that did not treat her well most of that time and she did a lot of work on herself

and she did do EFT tapping, she did Reiki, she did lots of different things, but she did the work, she did the hard work of bringing the unconscious conscious. And then one day she gets in the elevator with this guy and she's like, oh, I'm pretty handsome and I've seen pictures. Objectively speaking, he was a very handsome guy,

which is important to the story. Okay. He asked her out. And they go out and they totally hit it off. And he is kind and loving and open hearted and intellectual and all the things that she wanted. And he treats her amazing. And a couple months into their dating, he says to her, you know, for eight years, I've been seeing you in our building and we've ridden on the elevator together more times than I can count. You just never noticed me until that day.

that's crazy right wow yeah so I always love to share that story to give women out there hope that if you're feeling like there's no good guys out there you're just your brain is just not seeing them they're out there they're out there they're a single they're your age they live in your town I guarantee you another story I love is my mentor who I do EFT tapping with him and his current wife who are deeply in love they have like the marriage that I emulate having and they lived on a little tiny island on the west coast of I believe it's about 758 people wow and they were divorced for a few years each divorce on this island each they both were into EFT tapping and they did not meet each other for a while. And she kept thinking to herself,

I'm never going to meet a guy. I live on this tiny island. I'm the only single mom on this island, I'm pretty sure. And sure enough, he was there. They just didn't see each other until they did. And then they met. So your brain is going to try to tell you and people around you, unfortunately, friends and family are going to tell you, oh, God, you have a better chance of getting kidnapped after 40 than find a single guy. Remember that? I heard that. Yes. Yeah. It's from Harry Met Sally. Right. So it's like there's all this. Oh, God, how could you ever trust? Oh, there's so many creeps out there. There's so many of those. There's so many that. You know what? There's so many good guys out there. There really are. And you know,

probably because you're working with them and you're making them even better, actually. So we're a good combo exactly i trust me i already sent my single guy friend i was like you gotta listen to this podcast um yeah and it's i think what you're doing is so great and so needed and you know i know men have a lot of the same fears that women have about never finding anyone not finding any you know anybody who's like psychologically stable you know kind and all that kind of stuff and the thing is is it's just a lot of it is just that those that old programming or that current programming you're getting from friends or family who are well meaning they just have a lot of their own fear stuff they're projecting onto you it's really

hard not to absorb it but you gotta let that you know let that go let that be theirs you know you can tap to clear anxiety if your mom has just given you a speech about how the clock is ticking and what are you doing or whatever. And just, you know, go back to sort of your inner, and this is the goddess, right? Go back to your inner goddess, that empowerment inside of you that knows, no, I am worthy of love. It is on its way. It's coming. And every time I date someone, it is just getting better and better for me because I'm learning my own self more. I'm becoming more of my own confident, empowered goddess every day. Yes. And you will attract a new guy. You will. Yeah. You know, and I think that's, I think what's so important though, is, you know,

how we discussed being your authentic self, you know, putting yourself out there and being positive that I think there's that component right if the EFT tapping because I think that's so huge because we do go we do date what's familiar and and usually a parent or a guardian whoever took care of us and only because it's familiar doesn't mean that that's what we what's good for us or what we need or what's going to make this healthy relationship it. So can you tell me a little bit more in depth about, first of all, just for people out there that maybe don't know what EFT tapping is, can you just describe it a little bit in more layman's terms or in more detail? Absolutely. So the EFT stands for emotional freedom technique,

and it was created by, well, it's kind of a longer story of how it was created, but originally by a psychologist, who was pairing the use of acupressure from, he was just learning Chinese medicine, with more traditional talk therapy. And he came up with a lot of sort of complicated, like you tap this point if you have this issue and things like that. And then a man later came along in the 90s who was training under him. And he was a mechanical engineer. His name is Gary Craig. And he thought to himself, I wonder if we just tap the same points in the same order every time, if it'll be just as effective. And sure enough, he found that it was. And so what they have discovered is that very quickly, when you tap on these acupressure points, you can extinguish

really significant anxieties, phobias, stressors. In fact, the original guy who was playing around with the Chinese medicine, he had a client tapping under her eye, the under eye point, which is in Chinese medicine, the stomach meridian end point. And it was because she said she was scared in her stomach and she had a fear of sort of bodies of water. She never would go swimming or anything like that. And she was tapping under her eye point talking about it and then 15 minutes or so I think she stood up and she said Dr. Callahan I'm gonna go stick my feet in your pool and he was like what like this is someone who was terrified to even go near a pool before so he knew he was on to something wow yeah and so then when they

you know they kept playing around they kept finding all of these you know sort of miraculous turn around like I said this guy came along sort of simplified the process so now it is taught by tapping the same nine points in the same order and you just tap with your fingertips two to three times on each point and you generally you say something that is designed to make you feel the emotion that you're trying to clear. Okay. And so with EFT, there's an echo back process. So the practitioner will say something, you echo it back. And it's much more sort of practitioner-led or guided than traditional therapy. So it is different in that way. But we as practitioners come up with what we're saying based on what you're telling us. Yes, of course. And so it's really interesting

when you do it, if you tap on a fear, like a quick example I can give is just you're nervous about a first date. So you can start by tapping on the side of your hand and just say, even though I'm nervous about this first date and I feel butterflies in my stomach, I accept that I have this nervousness. So the first point is always the side of the hand and you say it three times and you're pairing the problem with some kind of statement of acceptance. Okay. And the reason you're doing that is because when we try to muscle our way out of feeling what we're already feeling,

our brain goes into fight or flight. Like our brain goes into danger, like a danger warning. Warning, you know, like we don't like this. We don't like being forced into anything. Your brain thinks that there's something unsafe about force. so it doesn't work well and that's why when you know that's why willpower is really hard to maintain our brain is like i don't like this this doesn't feel right you're trying to force me into something so when you tap and you say that statement of understanding and acceptance

you're basically telling your brain okay chill yes you're anxious and we're gonna let you feel anxious. We're going to allow the anxiety. You want to feel the emotion you're feeling while you're tapping because that's how you clear it. If you tap on just a thought where you're not really in body, you're not really in your body, you're just in your brain, it's not actually going to work. Well, sometimes people say it didn't work, but that's why. So you've got to feel it to heal it, right? That old say? Yeah. Literally with EFT, you do. So three times on the side of your hand, you'd say, even though I'm having this nervous feeling in my stomach, and I do use a lot of reference points to the body to again keep you in your body

I accept that I have this nervousness say that three times and then you move to the inside the eyebrow where the bridge of the nose and eyebrow meet and you just say this nervous feeling in my stomach and then you move outside the eye and just tap on the side of your eyes there and say this nervousness in my stomach then you go under the eye on the bony ridge this nervousness in my stomach. You go under the nose where the upper lip and nose meet. I say this nervousness in my stomach. You go to the chin crease, tap there, repeat this nervousness in my stomach. The next point is called the collarbone, but it's not really the bone. So you go to the hollow of your neck, you go down about an inch over two, and there's a little dents there below the bone.

So that's the next point, this nervousness in my stomach. Then you go under the arm. For women, It's along where your bra strap is. For men, just a couple inches below your armpit, on your ribcage. This nervousness in my stomach. And then to the top of your head, your crown point. In Chinese medicine, it's called the crown. Or yogis would know it as the crown chakra. This nervousness in my stomach.

And when you get to this point, you stop and you take a deep breath. And then you tune in and you notice. And it's very rare that people don't drop. multiple, we sort of usually use a scale one to 10 to start how nervous. Most people will drop multiple points. Once in a while, you might only drop one, but honestly, that's pretty rare. And a lot of times that's because maybe there's some more laden stuff. You know, there's some deeper stuff going on. Most people will drop at least two to three points from one round. Some people will drop as many as five. Wow. That's significant. Yeah. It's really great. And when you clear out

the feelings that aren't serving you, guess what? There's room to have all these great things come in. You know, I always say my issue with like a gratitude journal, for instance, is you're kind of like trying to force or muscle your way into gratitude by writing three things you're grateful for every day, but you might not really feel it. Like you can do the intellectual exercise of writing it, but if you don't feel it, what's the point? Whereas if you can clear out what is preventing you from feeling grateful. Resentment, bitterness, anger, any of those things. If you can clear those things with tapping, guess what? Gratitude naturally bubbles up. I mean, when we're not feeling those yucky things anymore, we feel grateful. You know, when we're not feeling

scared of intimacy anymore, we feel excited about love. So to me, the key is really clearing all of these blocks and old programs. Because love, gratitude, joy, these are our natural states that, you know, little kids have that, right? They have that in abundance. And it's not until things start to happen that that gets buried. So, you know, it's time to open the closet, start digging, tap on one thing at a time. And then, you know, the magic is already in there. geez I might be there for days I've been tapping for years okay it's sort of yeah actually probably longer one story I tell in the book because it just did kind of blow me away is Louise Hay for those who know who's sort of the goddess of self-help she was sort of the founder of it

back in the 60s and 70s I think when she started her work and she has done so much she healed herself of, you know, cancer through positive meditation and all this. I mean, her stories are unbelievable. And she was 79 years old when she learned tapping with Nick Ortner from The Tapping Solution. And I remember watching the video and she was like, Nick, I love this so much. This is going to help me with all my issues. And I went, oh, shit. Louise Hay, the goddess of self-help, issues at 79 i'm doomed oh my god that's so funny right you're like that then i thought wait a minute no louise hay has issues at 79 that means i need to drop my expectation that my issues are ever going to go away and instead i need to look at it as a journey

not a destination there is no destination fully healed there is no destination full self love there is only the journey and getting there and in fact I think a lot of our deepest healing is going to come from our most intimate love relationships so that is right yeah I wanted to touch on that because you know I've really struggled with when I coach my clients like when is it okay to really start dating leaving and I know that it comes when you start to learn and you start to deal and you start to kind of you're in this mind frame but I was always like okay, well, you got to wait till you're mostly healed. And I'm like, well, I know I've heard by multiple people, doctors and therapists, how some of the deepest healing can come from a new

relationship. So when do you know that it's okay to say, I'm ready to date again, even though I'm still having some of these issues? Well, it's a really good question. And it's obviously somewhat of an individualized issue. Right. I would say that instead of being able to say, okay, this is when you're ready, because I don't know that anyone's ever ready, ready, right? I think the more important thing is what are the guidelines? And I think the guidelines are, do you have the capacity to be emotionally available to another person. And if you don't, you need to do more work on yourself before you can start to date. That's a good one. Yeah. And if you do, but maybe not a ton or whatever, then I think the next really important guideline is, can you be up front

and in integrity with where you are in the process of dating. And so what I mean by that is really communicating very clearly what's going on with you and where you are and just being able to say to someone, hey, this is where I am. I there is still work to be done. And I really like you. And if you're OK with that, then let's let's work. You know, let's do this. And if you're not, I understand. I think that the problem comes when people try to pretend they're more healed than they are when they try to or when they just don't communicate very well about it. and they try to be, you know, or they just try to sort of seem like they have their shit together. One of the chapters of my book is like, you can start dating or you can find love before you have your shit together, I think is what it's called. And it's, you know, it's about that. It's about like nobody is perfect. And in fact, what we often fall in love with is the other person's

imperfection because that makes us feel safe. It makes us feel comfortable. If you feel like you're dating this perfect person, you're going to put them on a pedestal and you're going to feel like you have to be this, you know, perfect, you know, doll of a person or whatever, you know, this sort of fake phony person to earn their love. But if you can show someone your imperfections and they can show you theirs, that is where true intimacy and deep love can occur. And so I think that as long as you're committed to continually working on yourself and you're committed to continually communicating well in the relationship and communicating what's going on with you, then I think that that's okay. And then maybe even in that process, you might come to the

natural conclusion, actually, I'm not ready to date right now. It's great points. Yeah. I think you really called it because yes it is very personal but like I think really communicating being honest with yourself and then being honest with if you happen to meet someone that you really want to get to know more but you're kind of oh you know this is where I'm at if you respect that and you're open to that great so yeah you made some really great points thank you for that you're welcome I think the one thing I do want to say is there's one other question that I really was fascinated with in within your book I mean there's a lot but for show purpose time wise but talking about I coach my clients on how to be high value men and how to attract their miss

Mrs. Reich, how are you coaching women to crown themselves as the queen and attract the king? All right. So it starts with clearing out the fears of not being enough. Because if you are showing up, trying to prove your worth to them, you are not a queen. A queen doesn't have to prove her worth. Right. And kings actually aren't looking for a woman that they feel is insecure or doesn't have good boundaries or doesn't respect herself. You know, like really good guys, the women they're attracted to are the ones that do come across as very self-assured, very confident, having really good boundaries. So that's the number one thing. And I think that the way to get there is to clear, you know, your insecurities around that, which the

tapping is great for. And I think that it's so important if you clear the fear of the scarcity of men, because then you're also willing to have good boundaries. Because if you feel like, oh gosh, I'm never going to meet another guy like this. And he shows up an hour late for a date and you think, well, he's good in all these other ways. So I'm not going to be mad or upset, or I'm not even going to address it. Right. That's not a good boundary. Like a high value woman wouldn't do that. A high value woman would probably not even wait around for an hour. Right. So sure. But you if you have fear that, oh, my God, I have to do whatever it takes to keep this guy, then, of course, you're not going to be able to be comfortable and confident in your boundaries.

So that's one thing. And then I think the other big piece that I coach women on, which is a little bit controversial in a way, is to be more in their feminine energy in heterosexual relationships. And what I mean by that is feminine energy is all about like flow, receptivity, kind of just going with it. It is about, it's creative energy. It's not about doing action producing go go go that's masculine energy so feminine is sort of the yin to the for those who are familiar with that and what happens in life is we as a society value the masculine energy obviously right i mean that's what uh when you show up and you're go go go at work you get promotions and you get paid more and when you are go go go as a parent you know you

your kids have better opportunities and things tend to work out better. So in most of our lives as women, we have to embody masculine energy a lot. And the problem is, is that we then take that a lot of times into our intimate relationships or into the bedroom or places where it does not actually serve us anymore. And so what happens is, is men, it comes across as controlling because I mean, a lot of times we as women are, especially type A women, we're used to being in control of everything. And so we just start doing that controlling masculine energy thing in our relationships too. But what happens is, and you may have heard this, I know I've heard this from my clients saying it about their exes and relationships, is men will say,

I feel like you don't need me. I feel like there's no place for me. There's no space for me in your life. And what that is about is that you are occupying all of the masculine energy and space and they really don't have any room to be in their masculine. All good men, all kings want to be your hero. And if a guy doesn't want to be your hero and he doesn't want to treat you like an absolute queen, then he is not a guy for you. And people argue with me, but I swear at least 90% of men are like, are good men. And most men, there's so many good men out there that if you're not dating one, get rid of them because there's a lot of good men out there. You heard it from a queen here. And so when you're able to be in your feminine energy, when you're in your

intimate relationships and you can be relaxed and you can just receive and you can let him step up and be the man that he is dying to be for you. It is so much better for women because it feels so much more like energy, not producing quite, but like almost energetically healing because we can finally let go of the rain, finally relax. We don't have to have all the balls in the air when you're in your cherished intimate relationship

with a good guy and he feels good and you feel good. So it is just like a win-win all around. Yes. And I want to just throw out the quick caveat of because sometimes women get really upset when they hear me talk about this and they're like, what? You know, that's anti-feminist. And listen, I was a women's studies major in college. I am a big feminist. It's not that at all, because I'm not talking about being a doormat. I'm not talking about just doing whatever it is your man wants, because that's actually masculine energy in nature, too, because you're doing like if you're I'm cooking for you. I'm cleaning for you. I'm doing exactly what you want in the bedroom. I'm doing, you know, all that. That's still masculine energy. Feminine energy is really going with the flow. It is leaning back. It is relaxing. It is being open to whatever he wants to bring to you and having boundaries, of course, to say, no, not quite that. Maybe that. Could you do this instead? you know, I love flowers. I, I really love, you know, these flowers versus these flowers,

but I love flowers. Thank you so much for bringing me flowers, you know, or in the bedroom being a little directive, like that doesn't feel so good. This feels amazing. You know, guys want to know that stuff. And when you can just be relaxed and receive and let, let him play around and let him do whatever it is he wants to do, but just maintain your boundaries. That's a queen. I mean, that's if you think about what a queen would do you know that is what a queen would do she would let her man treat her let her man open the doors for her let her man buy her you know dinner on a date or whatever you know and and just be grateful and the receptivity of that but not be argumentative like no no no let me pay for it that's that you dropping into your masculine again and it will

turn off guys because like I said, they want to be your hero. Yes. Yes. No, you said it right on point. There is an energy. There's the dance that has to happen. You can't have two masculine energies. It turns into competition, two feminine, you know, nothing gets done. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Because men are in their feminine energy sometimes and they need to be, right? Yeah. But yeah, exactly. You just want to have it balanced. And I really do feel like with heterosexual relationships, The balance generally goes, not always, of course, but generally when women are more in their feminine in that relational context and men are more in their masculine, it tends to work out better. Yeah. Well, thank you for clarifying.

And yeah, you're saying that we still have a voice. It's just, you know, coming into the relationship, this is what works best. And, you know, you get a king and a queen. So I love it. Yeah. Okay. So one other question is, and this is just for my audience. What was one of your favorite dates? Ooh, what was one of my favorite dates? Oh, he will be so happy if he listens to this podcast. I had a date with my ex-boyfriend. Our first date, he took me to Topgolf. And I really loved that

because I have been on like a nauseam amount of coffee and meat for a drink date. And I actually heard you talking about this. And I was like, well, it's so true. And I loved that he looked at my profile. He saw that I liked Gall. He said, hey, you know, would you be up for doing this with me? And so he shows something that he knew that he suspected I would like that would be fun. And it was, and it was a little looser. It wasn't just sitting there intently having this conversation, you know, it was like, we're getting up and taking turns golfing. And then we're sitting down and having a bite and chatting a little bit and back and forth, you know, and it allowed for like a little playful, flirty, like touch, like, Oh, here, let me show you how to

sway the golf club. Right. So, and luckily I wanted that on that date, but so, you know, it was really fun. It was a very fun date that made me want to have more dates for sure. I love that. Yeah. Well, thank you for sharing that. I think that's always a good sign when, you know, some type of activity is taking place because yeah, the coffee and drink dates can get stale. Yeah. Yeah. And, and you might already talk, I bet you already talk about this to your clients, but I would say I love it when a guy picks the date. Oh yeah, for sure. Maybe gives me like a choice between A or B is nice too. But I, again, I think as women, we are in our masculine, like we are making all these decisions all day long for our families and, you know,

our jobs. And we are just like, so I don't want to make another single decision at all. and so when a guy will say to me like okay I'll find something for us to do and then he comes back and he says okay I thought about this or this and I love that I love that so highly recommend that yes yes all you guys listening which I know you are pick the date I know I've talked about this before and I will continue to talk about it from another wonderful amazing human single woman queen of a woman, pick the date. So where can everyone listening here by your book find you to possibly, you know, start EFT tapping with you? I can be found at learntodatelikeagoddess.com. And I actually am offering a special bonus for our listeners that anyone can go to my website

and download if they want the downloadable copy of my book for free oh wow yeah thank you that's just a special thing i'm doing for podcast listeners right now and of course if you want to have the paperback you can go to amazon it can be found there i am allison jane allison with two l's and jane with a y allison jane goddess makers where you can find me on instagram and tiktok And I have lots of tips on there. I have little EFT tutorials on those two platforms as well. Awesome. Well, thank you again, everyone here today.

Don't forget to rate today's show with five stars. Leave a glowing review. It really does help me out as I continue to grow the show. And also don't forget to go to my website for some great freebies and leave me your email and I will send you the newest guide, How to Attract a High Value Woman. So Allison, thank you again for being on today's show. I really learned so much about this and I can't wait to read some more of your book.

I already started, like I'm already on. I don't know what page I'm on, but I skimmed everything and then I started reading because I'm like, oh, this is so good. So read her book. It's so great. Thanks again and have a wonderful day. Thank you.

You too. This was a lot of fun. Thanks for tuning in to today's episode. Come and hang out with me on Instagram at Celeste Moore image. Let me know your thoughts on today's episode because I always love hearing from you all. You can find all the links and resources in the show notes of the episode on my website, Celeste more.com. Okay, that's all for now. I'll see you in the next episode. See you next time, friends. Thank you.