Moore Style - Sexual Profiles, Communication, and Long-Term Satisfaction with Dr. Tara

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

Opening up about sex is easy for some people and difficult for others, but it is important for all of us to talk about. Today I am interviewing one of the most influential sex + relationship experts online, Dr. Tara, who brings her fun & energetic attitude to this conversation around sex. Join us as she shares how we can use sexual profiles as an easy way to talk about sex, the importance of sexual communication, building sexual confidence, and the basis of sexual mindfulness.  If you want to improve your sex life, this is the episode to tune into. Make sure to implement some of Dr. Tara’s teachings, take her quiz, and then let us know what you thought of the episode over on Instagram.  In this week’s episode, we discuss: [02:00] About Dr. Tara  [03:32] How Dr. Tara became a sex and relationship coach [08:59] Talking to a new partner about sexual preferences  [10:46] What is a sexual profile? [17:46] Putting your sexual preferences on a dating app [20:31] Sexual communication  [23:06] Sexual confidence and masturbation [26:18] “Celebs Go Dating” show [28:47] What predicts long-term sexual satisfaction? [31:30] What people are most interested in learning from Dr. Tara [32:19] Dr. Tara’s favorite date   Connect with Dr. Tara: Website Instagram Podcast TikTok Sexual Profile Quiz Celebs Go Dating Sexual Meditation

Hi, everyone. I'm your host, Celeste Moore, and you are listening to the Down and Dirty podcast, aka the Double D's of dating. This is a podcast for navigating the ins and outs of modern midlife dating. Here, we will discuss the challenges that men and women face in today's dating world. Like many industries, this one is forever changing, and I believe this platform will help those who need or want it. Today, it is the best time to take control of your desired outcome, whether it is a marriage, significant other, life partner, or just to gain the confidence in dating once again. Every other week, we will dive in and talk about different viewpoints that seem to be challenges in today's dating arena. So let's get into today's episode.

I want to welcome everybody to another episode of the Down and Dirty podcast. As always, I'm your host, Celeste Moore. I want to say just a big thank you to everyone who continues to tune in and listen to these episodes. I truly hope that you're able to bring what it is that you've learned today and back into your relationships. Please don't forget to leave a review and a five star rating that always helps the show. But I'm so so excited to hear from my guest today about the most alluring topic, which is sex. Who doesn't love to talk about sex? I know all of you love to hear about sex. So welcome, Dr. Tara. Thank you for being on today's show. Hi, beautiful. Thank you for having me. You have such a beautiful energy. Thank you. I obviously love yours. Let

me just introduce you a little bit more just so people can know more about your background. I would love to introduce her. She is a tenured professor who wrote a textbook on sexual communication. She's also a sex and relationship coach and the number one sex educator on TikTok with over two million followers. That's huge. And she's also featured on KTLA News, Cosmo, Women's Health, Refinery29, and many, many more. Again, thank you for coming on the show. And I can't wait to talk about sex. Oh, yeah. My favorite topic to talk about. Seriously. I think everybody, like I've done this just over a year and everybody has just tuned in to the sex topics to the sex episodes and I'm like okay well I guess we need to talk more about sex

um exactly like what's your favorite sushi and what's your favorite type of orgasm I love that that's awesome I love that you bring such a good fun energy to it because you know there's a lot of seriousness around it but there's so much fun and I think there's such a taboo still to this day which is so bizarre to me that yeah it's such an uncomfortable topic yeah I would say like sometimes when I go to dinner parties and I start talking about sex that there's always you know a few people looking very uncomfortable you're like it's not that big of a deal it's fun this is like a pleasure we all do it your parents did it that's why you're here Yeah, exactly. So I'm just a little curious, what took you down the path of becoming a sex

coach and relationship coach? Yeah, that's such a good question because I always want to talk a little bit about where I come from. Yeah. I'm originally from Bangkok, Thailand. Have you been to Thailand? Not yet. I'm excited to go. Yeah. So I'm originally from Bangkok, Thailand. I grew up in a very very sexually conservative environment I went to an all-girls catholic school you know taught by none and yeah at my school your skirt has to cover your knees or else you get hit on the wrist so immediately as a female you would learn about all these things you know the I would say the values of like what it's like to be a quote-unquote good woman right a modest woman from a very young age so I had a lot of this like anxiety about the way I look how I'm perceived

as well as my interest in sexuality in my teenage years I've had a lot of anxiety about all of these things I just thought it was normal which I do think it's a pretty universal experience now that I've talked to a lot of people from around the world but yeah fast forward to high school and I went to Finland for high school and you know that was the very first time I saw naked people in groups because what they do in Finland is they get naked and they go into saunas together and it's a very very common thing there and no one cared about other people's naked bodies no one like stared at other people and there's people of different ages and they just kind of accept it like it's not an a weird thing right so that was my first time being exposed to like

nudity and acceptance for nudity as well as body neutrality right which is now we know different from like body positivity like it's just no one cared they were just like this is normal and then fast forward to my more recent years light bulb moments I would say the reason why I'm in this field is triggered by a few things the first thing was my academic and professional experience so in graduate school I studied relationships but particularly communication I studied relational and sexual communication and I remember reading a paper that said the number one issue that everybody has at some point in their lives is a sex issue just at some point in your life right so I was like wow if that's such a big problem why isn't it solved but like many problems in

the world it's hard to solve so I just figured I want to be a part of the solution to such a big problem so that was my like first trigger I love that thank you my second trigger was my personal experience I was married when I was younger and in that marriage I was very I would say I didn't speak up I would say I wasn't very communicative I wasn't being myself and a lot of times I would be very anxious and feeling like I'm missing something. You know, like seemingly happy on the outside, but feeling very empty on the inside. And I had to really work on myself to finally realize that I wasn't in the right marriage, that there's nothing wrong with me or him that we weren't compatible from the first place but I just couldn't accept it at first I

think many people are stuck in marriages that are not necessarily good for them so at that point I had you know gone through all of that experiences many nights of crying to the point where and you know what, this is not the life I want to live. So I made the choice to leave and pursue everything that I've ever wanted independently. And you know, fast forward to now I am married, but we're in a monogamous marriage. And I every single day I talk about how important it is to live with your true desires. And I just love it. So thank you for having me here. That's such a beautiful story. And I love that, you know, I love everybody's story. I think that's so great to see where you've come from, where you're at now, and you're living your true authentic self. And that's, I think, so huge and such a profound thing for people to understand that it's okay to be who you are just and it's okay to voice who you are. Yeah, I think that, like I said, I don't understand where sexual, I guess, shaming or uncomfortability comes from. I know a lot of it's religion, and I know a lot of that comes from childhood, but you get to the point where sex is happening, it's okay.

how do you how do you get to the point where it's okay to talk to let's say just a new partner you know when's the right time to say you know what I like xyz or maybe I don't even know are you willing to explore xyz you know it's such a yeah oh my gosh you know I'm a fan of let's be honest from the beginning. So if you're dating someone and you're about to have sex for the first time, I think that's the perfect time to start talking about what you like when it comes to the sexual repertoire and in a sexy session. What do you prefer? Do you like to have the person go down on you? Do you want them to finger you? Do you want them to do dirty talk? Or do you find dirty talk a little icky? You know, I think it's a great fun topic to talk about. I know that there's

a lot of anxiety attached to it. But I think that's the main thing that I want to change in people. I want people to start seeing sex as fun and playful. And it's okay to make mistakes too. and not like this anxiety ridden thing yeah no I love that and I think you really showcase that on your social media accounts I was just like this is so genius because you really give these fun light-hearted facts and things that we've probably all done or felt or some awkward moment and you're just like it's okay whatever you know like move on or if you if you're curious exactly yes so Exactly. You know, I and I think what I'm really interested in, too, is you have this you have a sexual profile. Right. So could you explain to everyone listening here what Dr. Tara's sexual profile is? yes i'm so excited to talk about this because this derives from my years of professional experience

and also being a quantitative research professor i like measuring things right so this questionnaire that i created really helped measure who you are as a sexual being and dr tara's sexual profile look at four different aspects of someone's sexuality so we can kind of talk through it And you can tell me maybe a little bit about you, right? Like where you stand in this scale. I like it. Yeah? Okay, I'm down.

Are you excited? Yeah, definitely. Go for it. Okay, the very first factor is are you more dynamic or more stable and consistent? So a stable and consistent lover, and there's never anything wrong with any of these dynamics. like all of them are right it's just the right person right got it so a consistent lover loves going back to like what they feel comfortable in where they can really be their sexual self like you know you have a favorite position you always go back to that you have a favorite way

to come you love having sex in the one place and you feel most comfortable in yourself a dynamic lover loves change they love trying different things new things new settings new context and they just love changing around and it doesn't mean that they can't have sex the same way it's just that they really like exploring different things are you leaning towards consistent or are you leaning towards dynamic i'm i'm pretty dead in the middle tell us more so when I was younger I think like very very young and I think I was more stable or what was the word yeah is it stable consistent or dynamic consistent because I was very inexperienced and as I had a couple more lovers who were very dynamic and open to things taught me a lot

and so I love to be more on the dynamic side but then there's some certain ways where I really enjoy to orgasm is is more on you know the other spectrum so I don't know yeah so yeah I like to try new things that's for sure yeah yeah so maybe you are a little bit consistent more towards dynamic now and people change all the time too right different phases of life uh-huh I love that the second aspect is are you more traditional or more tinky if you're more traditional it means you enjoy conventional sex, like whatever that's conventional to you. Maybe it's missionary, docky, maybe it's a little bit of oral sex, but that's pretty much it. If you're kinky, it means you're into non-traditional things, things that are perhaps seemingly unconventional

for some people, but you just tend to enjoy trying these different things. What are you leaning towards traditional or kinky well when i personally hear kinky i think of like really kink fetishes like you know uh bdsm like you know all sorts of stuff which you know i've tried little bits and pieces of things which i'm like okay with i'm not completely traditional because i definitely have like i i love to do like you know toys and and i am actually bisexual so i enjoy different you know fun partners and yeah you know so there's things that aren't traditional about me but I'm definitely not a full-on kinky either right yeah I think the term kinky probably scare out some people sometimes yeah too especially in like the mainstream culture because they would

think like oh my god you have to have like a certain finish you have to like love wearing diapers and being brushed by a naked woman or like you know yeah right or like wear a pig mask while getting fisted like yeah that's definitely not me right exactly but but everything's on a spectrum right like leaning kinky could mean like 65% kinky right so I would say like for someone like me I know I'm leaning kinky because I'm like definitely not traditional but I'm also not like you know pick my ass and fit me in the ass girl so I feel you I feel I feel what you're saying the third aspect is are you more towards monogamous or flexible monogamous means sex is only and only for two people in a committed long-term relationship definitely not

flexible means that you're open to play with others yeah I'm definitely not monogamous flexible yeah okay so you're a flexible lover so so far we know that you're more dynamic a little kinky and more flexible the fourth aspect is are you to ask for your sexual expression are you more gentle or animalistic gentle lovers love soft touches love getting caressed whispered in the ears soft massages animalistic lovers tend to you know go with harder grab or maybe fighting maybe loud moaning so this is just the way you express yourself like authentically are you more gentle or more animalistic well I think kind of in the middle because sometimes I like soft touches and sometimes it's too soft for me and sometimes if I'm like really excited then I'm like okay

let's like you know have a little roughness but yeah I mean I'm not full I'm like I don't like to be bit or anything like that but like sometimes the hair pull you know it just depends on the mood so I'm kind of yeah yeah yeah there you go so that's your sexual profile I love our leaning dynamic leaning kinky definitely flexible and then leaning animalistic I love that so you can take this on your first date so this is doctor yes exactly I have exactly I have this quiz on my website and honestly I just think it's such an easy way to start a conversation about sex like hey let's take this quiz it takes five minutes and then let's talk about our findings it's just an easy way to start talking about sex you know I think I was having this conversation the other

day and I was like when I get these questions too that I answer about once a month and someone sent me a question and it was like when do I talk about my sexual preferences is it when we decide to be that we're actually gonna just date each other and then we talk about this and I'm like you don't talk about it too soon because you don't want to scare someone away like it's just about sex so it's very like touchy you know on when to approach it and like you said if you're gonna have sex yeah I think the best time yeah I honestly think it it would be fun just for people to take in general and then put their profile on like tinder that'd be so awesome I really I really want them to buy this from me yes like come on you can put on your acronyms

right dkfa like that's me dkfa and then people can yeah i can see if they're i feel like it says a lot because for example i would not be able to date someone long term who is traditional same who is only traditional like i can't do it and there's nothing wrong with that person i can't do it because we wouldn't be compatible and i think it's so important right to talk about that? That's huge. You know, cause I'm also struggling with like, cause I'm on dating apps for research, but I'm also cause I'm single. But are you single and mingling? Yeah. Starting to starting to. Yeah. So it should be on my TV show. Oh yeah. Okay. I'd love to, but it's like straight or it's like gay or maybe there's even buy on there. And I hate to put buy on there because

immediately you get all these guys right it's okay for a woman to be bi that's like it's just a sexual thing and if I'm into that that's fine but I'm looking for you know a fun hopefully long-term relationship so that would be so great for okay everybody listening you tinder or whoever you want to sell this to this is like a gold mine so yeah I love it I know I'm really proud of it And I also think it's, you know, I look back to my previous relationships, right? Where there were quite a few relationships I was in that lacked sexual compatibility. But back then, I didn't have the language to talk about it. And now that I do, I really want to help people who feel like me before.

Like, I don't have the language to start talking about why I feel like we're not compatible. Yeah, no, that's huge. So when you talk about sexual communication, you know, that's like you said, what would you say are interpersonal predictors of sexual communication and satisfaction? Yes. So when we talk about sexual communication, we talk about two aspects, micro communication and macro communication. The micro communication is the communication right before sex, during sex, after sex. So things like giving feedback, communicating pleasure and displeasure, things like dirty talk, pillow talk, as well as aftercare, right? That's the micro, like the communication that happens in sex. Okay.

There's that, right, that we have to all learn and know how to do. And also hopefully our partners are great at receiving feedback too. So there's that. But there's also a really challenging other type of sexual communication that's the macro communication. This is where you and your partner or someone you're dating talk about sex. So this is in a non-sexual context. Maybe it's over coffee, over dinner, but you're talking about sex and your preferences and your desires and where you see your sexual self going. so that's a whole different conversation that's a lot of people find very challenging also so to

me there are certain factors of a person that predicts like oh this person will find this kind of communication easier in research we found people who grow up in an open-minded environment are better at these communication things right like but but um to give you guys hope i did not grow up in an open-minded environment I grew up in a very sexually conservative environment and here I am still talking about all these things so you can totally grow and change and improve but yeah we found that people that are extroverted find it easier to talk about sex people who parents did not shame them for their sexual exploration when they were in you know whatever teenage years tend to find it less anxious to talk about sex so there's like a couple of profiles

like a couple of types of people who find talking about sex easier now for the rest of us that maybe who are not blessed with all these positive things that had happened regarding our sexuality and still have to overcome all these things I want you to know that it is very much possible and there are many different ways that research found to help people build up their sexual confidence to talk about sex. The very first thing is self-knowledge. And Celeste, I bet you know exactly how to have an orgasm for yourself, right? Oh, yes. Yeah, exactly. And you can tell in your face that you're confident about that. A lot of people don't have that. So I would say self-knowledge is extremely important in building your overall confidence if you don't even know yourself you

can't give yourself an orgasm you don't know how to touch your own body i think you know let's start there yeah because if you don't have that there's no foundation for you to build on that's a huge a huge huge thing that i think a lot of people talk about too and you know one time i was a really good friend of mine i hope she's not really listening i won't name names but she says she never masturbates or has never masturbated wow and married a couple kids and i'm like what it's so foreign to me i mean i started when i was really young and so i just i i think it's i don't know if it's more sexual people or i i don't know where that comes from but i thought everybody for sure everybody has masturbated but that's not the case oh my gosh I would say I share the same shock as

you but because I've done sex coaching now for quite a few years I learned that it's actually pretty common oh my god yeah a lot of women have never masturbated and many of them were now in their you know first second marriage third marriage had a couple of kids yeah yeah missing out big time right like the thing that saved me all these years so I enjoy it it's like it helps me now to the point where I'm like it helps me relax it helps me like sometimes sleep it's like something that is come over age definitely so yeah it's very very healthy tea it is it's like a cup of tea like oh my god it just relaxes you like and it depends too it's very dynamic like it depends too because sometimes if I do it midday it actually gives me energy

true yeah right like my like afternoon quick masturbation yes can give me energy but if it's like before sleep then it helps you relax I feel like it's very dynamic it's the best also pain medication there's research that shows orgasm help you know minimize your pain receptors so like the pain that you have may feel like less painful and that can come from orgasms by yourself or with a partner right right i've heard that too what you get a lot of oxytocin released or something yeah so yes masturbate if you're not having sex on i think you should do both i mean that's just my opinion but yes sex life yes for sure well that's that's very interesting so when you you just said it's like a cup of tea so i know that you're in london right

now filming a tv show is this something you can talk about yes they just did a press release i think two weeks ago so i can definitely talk about it yes so tell us about it yes so it's a tv show in the uk and it's called celebs go dating and this is season 12 so they've already had 11 season okay and I'm joining them as a new host of this show they already have amazing hosts Tom Anna and Paul and so I'm joining them as another host our dating agent and the premise is we are at the celebrity dating agency and we matchmake people particularly celebrities with single people so celebrities come see us and we match make them with people who are single that match their preferences oh that sounds so exciting I love that yeah it's been so much fun this is

I think the third week of filming and it's just been like an amazing experience okay well we're gonna have to tune in and see probably the first 11 episodes first yes it will well it will come out it will come out in august and it's a brand new season and it will be like every day it will be live every day at 9 p.m from monday through friday for like a month in the states can we see it i think so they have previous seasons on hulu so if you guys want to check out the show it's possible let's go dating and it's on hulu i hope it's better than patty stanger's matchmaking where she screams and yells at everybody no what no we don't scream at anybody oh no you know we do school some of them um but but it's really we just want to help you find your person we want

to help you find love yes who doesn't love that that's amazing well i'm so excited for you that's such an honor thank you yeah and i'm really excited to watch it you're like filming's one thing but to actually watch it's probably even more fun right exactly I think I just have a couple more questions I don't want to keep you too long I like I said I appreciate you coming on what would you say predicts long-term sexual satisfaction okay I think the number one factor is sexual communication okay in order to be sexually satisfied in a long-term relationship you're gonna have to be able to communicate about what you like and wouldn't dislike like period so sexual communication is the number one predictor

but there's also other things about you that you can develop in order to help yourself have a more satisfying sex life in the long run the first thing is sexual mindfulness and sexual mindfulness means the ability to stay present without judgment and experience all the pleasures than your body in order to improve your own sexual mindfulness you have to practice mindfulness from the first place do you have a favorite mindfulness practice in general yoga or yeah I mean I meditation I do meditation I do you look like you work out I do I do work out and that's just for like actually it's used to be for body now it's for mental my mental state yeah I would say working out is a huge mindfulness practice yes working out is definitely has helped me taking moments

to just kind of write in a journal here and there and then yeah meditation is not as consistent as I'd like it to be but it's that does seem to help for sure yeah so all those things that are mindfulness practices. So I have a sexual meditation that I do on YouTube. Sexual meditation is like a regular meditation practice, but it focuses on sexual thoughts, feelings, and sensations. And research have found this to be highly beneficial for improving your sexual mindfulness. so definitely give it a try another factor that affects someone's long-term sexual satisfaction is their sexual self-esteem is how you see yourself sexually do you see yourself positively negatively do you find your sexual self-worth to be high you feel like you deserve pleasure and you

should get pleasure, you're like, oh, I don't need it all the time, right? So sexual self-esteem is highly important. Okay. I like that. I think that's very important. And that makes sense too, that all ties into sexual satisfaction. Yeah. I would say, what do you find that people are most interested in learning from you you think there's one topic oh different age group different age group wants to learn different things I think younger people want to learn the different ways to initiate sex okay how to talk about sex and how to become more charismatic which I think should work for everybody even if you've been in a relationship for a long time true but people who have been in a long-term relationship are usually interested in ways to spice things up

but also something that's realistic and easy to do what was one of your favorite dates and what was it oh i like that question a lot let's see one of my favorite dates was actually the first time that my now husband took me to a botanical garden and we just spent you know four or five hours you know without technology with just us holding hands walking around you know kissing in different places and just be with each other and I just thought that was you know a very beautiful experience that's the one of my favorite date of all time and we still do them oh i love that it's so beautiful and you know it's just like the connection like you said checking out with without a phone and technology and just being with each other well thank you for sharing that

and i know listeners here are dying to find out more information and maybe read your book follow you on tiktok can you give us a little bit more information where people can find out more information you can find everything about me and all the links to my social media on my website lovebites.co l-u-v-b-i-t-e-s.co lovebites.co awesome well everybody check her out follow her on instagram and tiktok and download her quiz because i think that's huge especially when you're in the dating world and you yeah and again thank you for being on today's show while you're filming in the UK like you know boss lady here oh yeah thank you so much for having me definitely

thanks for tuning in to today's episode come and hang out with me on instagram at celeste more image let me know your thoughts on today's episode because i always love hearing from you all you can find all the links and resources in the show notes of the episode on my website, celestemore.com. Okay, that's all for now. I'll see you in the next episode. See you next time, friends.