Moore Style - Taking Control of Our Sexual Wellness with Emily Duncan

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

Sexual wellness is not something that most of us have grown up talking about and even as adults, we often carry shame around our sexual lives. Sexologist Emily Duncan is here to break the stigma and spark conversations all around our sexual health! Join us as we dive into discussing STIs with a partner, the benefits of self-pleasure, and how to start talking about kinks. This conversation inspires us to start communicating about sexual wellness and speak up about what we like and don’t like.  I learned so much throughout this episode and I know there will be many juicy and practical takeaways for you too. And as Emily reminds us in this episode, when it comes to sex, make sure to try everything twice - because you never know if you’ll enjoy it more the second time around! In this week’s episode, we discuss: [02:02] About Emily Duncan [03:36] What led Emily down the path of sexology?  [07:23] When should you discuss STIs with a partner? [10:00] How often should you get tested for STIs? [13:09] Destigmatizing STIs  [15:05] Pelvic pain [18:35] Anal sex and trying everything twice [20:44] Sexual exploration and communication [24:23] Practicing mindfulness [26:15] The benefits of self-pleasure [31:24] The importance of communicating your sexual needs [34:33] The benefits of working with a sexologist  [36:10] Building arousal [39:40] How to talk to partners about kinks [44:32] Emily’s favorite date   Connect with Emily: Website  Instagram Podcast Episode with Celeste  Yes, No, Maybe Kink List

Welcome to the down and dirty podcast, the ultimate guide to modern midlife dating. I'm your host Celeste Moore and I'm here to help you navigate the challenges of today's dating world. Think of me as your female version of hitch but better with over 16 years of experience as a certified image consultant and dating coach. I've got the inside scoop on what women want. In this podcast, we're diving deep into the world of healthy masculinity and modern dating. It's a fast changing industry. And here you'll find personal stories, expert insights

and candid conversations that will empower you to take control of your dating life. There's never been a better time to achieve your desired outcome, whether it's marriage, finding a significant other, securing a life partner or simply regaining your dating confidence. We're here with you twice a week to explore the viewpoints and challenges in today's dating arena that resonate with every man seeking dating success and love. So let's dive into today's episode. We've got an exciting discussion lined up for you. Get ready for the double D's of dating where dating dilemmas turn into dating triumph. i want to welcome you to another episode of the down and dirty podcast

as always i'm your host celeste moore thanks again for everybody that continues to jump on and listen to the show i really really appreciate it and all you new listeners welcome welcome it absolutely means the world to me i'm so grateful for everybody that continues to jump on and all my amazing guests I get to interview because they are the experts and I get to learn so much from them. If you feel so inclined to, please leave a good review, a great review, glowing review, and a five-star rating. That really helps the show move it to the forefront so that people can learn and find the content easier. Anyways, but before I jump into today's episode, I'm super, super excited to introduce to you my beautiful guest today. Her name is

Emily Duncan. Emily goes by the pronouns she and her, and she is the founding sexologist of Emily Duncan Sexology, an online sex therapy practice to help individuals and partners all over the world cultivate sexual wellness. She's also the host of the podcast, That's Orgasmic, discussing all things sex, sexuality, and sexual health. Emily, thank you so much for coming on the show today. I really, really am excited to talk to you about all your amazing knowledge that you have. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. It's obviously been a bit of an ordeal to get us to this point with technical issues, but we're finally getting there. Yes, I really appreciate it. Yes, we've had a few technical issues today and we're going to try this one

last time. And I honestly think third time's a charm. So I'm really, really excited. I was on Emily's show about a month ago, and I really love when we cross pollinate in the podcast world and we're able to be a really good fit for each other's show. And so I really was so grateful that Emily decided to come on the show today and talk to everybody about sexual health and wellness. And And just so you know, my downloads on my podcast are the most downloads are on sex. And so it's perfect, a perfect, perfect fit for you to be here today. So can I just first start off with kind of what led you down the path of sexology and sex therapy?

Yeah, so what got me on this path was chlamydia. I contracted it for the first time at 18 and I realized just how much I didn't know about sexual health and that if I didn't know this nobody around me knew this. At school we're often taught if you can get any sex ed these are what STIs are don't get them not what to do when you do contract them and this was from my boyfriend at the time I assume because that's when symptoms started after I became sexually active with him and about four months in got tested came back positive for chlamydia and obviously at 18 that's terrifying you're like oh my god like what is this and the hardest part was then my conversations with him so I obviously let him know what was

going on but then I didn't have any more conversations I just left it there I just assumed that he would go and get tested treated and that it's you know that's that we don't need to talk about it anymore which is so not the case because then I then contracted it three months later again I think I would have contracted it straight away but then just lived with it for three months and then that turned into pelvic inflammatory disease and I had to have surgery to check everything out because I was still experiencing pelvic pain and it turned into this big ordeal and the more I learned the more I realized I didn't know and I was like if I don't know this no one does and not anyone at least my age and then I found this whole world of sex

ologists, sex therapists, people living with STIs like herpes because I just you know went on this deep dive and yeah changed my uni degree from criminology to psych because I was like I need to be a part of this I want to be a part of this conversation every time I talked about sex to anybody they were so excited to talk about it and they they wanted to tell me their own stories about STIs or um just honestly sex in general and I just found that yeah the more I was talking about it the more everyone wanted to talk about it and it was a really welcomed conversation so I was like let's let's make a whole career out of this and then yeah by 22 I became a clinical sexologist and now I'm doing my master's of counseling just to keep keep going so I just

can't stop studying but yeah 23 now so a lot of people say that like oh my god you're so young to be doing this but I found my passion very early which was lucky yeah I would say that's a blessing right because I think so many people just kind of like oh this makes money or whatever and so they just kind of go down a path that they're never passionate about and your sexual you know kind of incident or thing that kind of made you kind of look at your sexual health and wellness led you down this path so I think it's a beautiful thing I mean you know it's silver lining right is that a big thing yeah absolutely absolutely and so many people make comments to me like oh I wish you know I just like was so passionate about something like you are with this and I was like

it was honestly like so many people contract STIs but not many actually then go and do a whole career path change and find this passion of sex like it just I just got lucky that you know I managed to turn something like chlamydia into let's make this my whole identity and become a sexologist I love that though chlamydia to sexologist say you know yes and so you're really educating people on having those conversations and communicating better so that you don't have this happened for them and so when are you having these discussions when are you teaching your clients or just teaching in general like on your podcast like when should people have be having these discussions with a new partner let's say so I recommend to have it as early as possible

it's going to be different depending on who you're dating when sex is coming up when you're even being sexually active with them and what that looks like and whether you're somebody who lives with an STI or who doesn't because certain STIs like HSV which is herpes or HIV people are living with it's not something that you can you know treat and it disappears from your body so I recommend that if sex comes up as a conversation before you've even had sex try and put it in there you know say I really you know I care about my sexual health or I want to you know I care about you know your sexual health i want to prioritize that this was the last time i had an sdi test when was yours or how do you like to have safer sex i always like to use the word safer sex instead

of safe because there's no completely safe sex because even if you use a condom there's still skin on skin contact on other areas which could pass something like herpes so just a little side but it's good to know yeah so recommend trying to bring it up that way it's ideally best practice to try and have this conversation before the first time you have sex however that's not always realistic so just trying to do it as soon as possible or let's say you've been dating for a few weeks now you're being sexually active just you know be like oh you know I'm going to go get my routine SDI test I'll let you know the results when was your last SDI test or something like that I think it's still important to have that conversation because some people will just

go get tested, have a negative result, which is great, but then not ask their partner to just assume that because they tested negative that therefore their partner is going to test negative. And sometimes that's not always the case. Some people will show up. It takes a little bit longer for it to show up. So chlamydia and gonorrhea can take up to two weeks to come back positive on the STI test.

HIV and other STIs up to three months. So it's important to, I guess, have that conversation still because say you get tested in the first week and you have chlamydia but it hasn't actually had time to come up yet and then you may just make the assumption that you and your partner are both safe or not safe but, you know, don't have an STI but that might not always be the case. No, that's good to know.

How often should you get tested or what do you recommend? So I generally recommend either after each new sexual partner but if that's a lot of new sexual partners and it's then within these two two like week time frames or whatever doing it every three months if you're with somebody a bit more long term either every six or twelve months yeah no okay that's good to know because like you said some things come up later so like maybe you were tested and everything was negative but like two weeks later I don't know I'm just saying something came up positive so and I think you had mentioned that not all STIs present themselves and you could be carrying is that correct? Yes so sometimes it

won't come up on the test results straight away but then also a lot of the time will be asymptomatic so I know my experience of chlamydia the first time I was symptomatic the next two times I wasn't symptomatic. 80% of people won't have symptoms and then with other STIs like herpes for instance 90% of people don't have symptoms um or if they do they think it's just like an ingrown hair or something so it's easily you know mistaken um wow so yeah so 90% of people won't ever have symptoms so it's only that 10% who are actually I guess coming back with a positive result but the thing with herpes is that if you go to the doctor I'm fairly certain it's the same in America I think it's generally around the world at the moment if you go to the doctor and you say I want to get

tested for everything they won't test you for herpes because you actually need to have a lesion present for them to swab otherwise the results can be inaccurate because in the blood test all they can see is if you have hsv1 or hsv2 present but not where it is on the body and you can get and hsv1 is typically cold sores on your mouth or presented you know around that area or like nose or something but you can also get that on your genitals and HSV2 which is typically genital herpes you can also get on your mouth so when they do the blood tests all they can say is you've got it in your body but they don't know where and because there's so much shame and stigma around herpes doctors think it's best practice just to not tell you because it's not

actually apart from and not to minimize people's experience of symptoms because some people do experience extremely painful symptoms but they find that the psychological burden of it is worse than the actual symptoms themselves so they just do they don't ever like test people for it so we've got 90% of people who don't have symptoms and then they're not actually testing for it so it's honestly safe to assume that nearly everybody has herpes in some form whether it's on their mouth presenting somewhere else on their body like nose and then people on their forehead cheeks or genitals. Wow. There's so much information to learn. And I'm so happy that you're sharing this with everybody because I know that I'm learning. So I'm sure you guys are too. And I appreciate

that. Yeah. I think the more education we have around these topics and like you said, destigmatizing, you know, the whole STI kind of community, you know, or like we're all going to be exposed to it at some point, just protecting yourself as best as possible and communicating with your partners is what i'm hearing is like number one yeah absolutely it's so important and i think just taking like the shame out of it because most of us are going to contract an at some point or know somebody who has there's no avoiding it really at this point in time like sure we can put methods in place but we know that people you know don't like to use contraceptives of like barrier methods like condoms dental dams people we've seen it again and again in it like

surveys and things that people just don't love them or they're not reaching for them so at this point in time it's safe to assume that either yourself or somebody you know is going to contract one and that's just going to be a normal part of our lives so I think it's yeah important that we talk about it and take that shame because if you know most people are going to contract one like it's people under 25 one in two people so 50 of people in 25 are going to contract one like we don't want that to be something that they're internalizing and feeling poorly about yeah because it's so easy to do right because it is such a i don't know it's been not okay or it's been considered ugly or oh you're dirty or whatever whatever the the stories are behind it

no people just it's it's life if you're sexually active it's very common to happen so yeah communicate and protect yourself because we don't want to have to wear you a very close call for you right it could have been um an issue for fertility for you and some other yeah absolutely yeah so like depending on the SDI you can have scarring and thing that things that happen so that can affect your fertility and then also pain so for me it was having pelvic pain and even with other just STIs something that can happen is if you have that you contract the STI and then you start to associate your genitals as something bad or that you know you're dirty or something wrong and then sometimes we find that people will then start to experience pain during sex because they might not

be able to subconsciously relax as much so everything tightens up a bit or you just have these it's like this just this almost like a disconnect would also connect in a different way to your genitals and then that can sometimes be you know one of the reasons why you will experience pain I feel like that was the case for me because I had surgery and there was no scarring and then it was kind of like once I knew that the pain kind of went away and it was like I probably should have been referred on to a sex therapist or sexologist first to see if you know am I feeling negatively about this experience or is there ways that I can psychologically work with this pain first so that I could have avoided the surgery I think it was just an assumption that because

there was this biological thing wrong first that it's going to stay biological which wasn't the case yeah I'm glad you make that distinction because there are people out there who some of the pain is is through experience and through mental and our body remembers that oh I've got to like that's gonna hurt so I'm gonna tense up and sex shouldn't hurt and I think that before you had mentioned something just stop in that moment if it hurts yeah yeah absolutely so many people just because like especially for vulva owners of women we're told the first time's gonna hurt so expect pain so then we're also anticipating pain the first time we have sex which means we're going to be more tense and more likely to experience pain and we're nervous and feeling

all these things and then if that keeps happening you're like oh this is my mom was told this would happen or I've heard so many stories where women will go to doctors and they just say have a glass of wine just relax use some more lube and it doesn't work like that so I think we're already told to expect pain so then if you are experiencing pain please stop like I remember my way to be on it I was like if you've got paid stop with so many of us just push through or we think oh maybe it will get better or it's just easier for me to put up with this pain than to maybe have this awkward discussion of like you know asking somebody to stop or ruining the mood but like you don't want to make that association because it's so easy to do and once you start doing it the more that you

have sex that's painful the more your brain is going to remember it the more your brain is going to expect it even if you're feeling so horny and turned on and ready to go your body can still then remember as soon as something goes to enter like your vagina for instance oh tense up that's not going we're not doing this and then you can experience pain uh yeah that's a whole nother thing right that's when yeah absolutely i don't like to have sex i get turned on but off like but sex for me is not fun so yes thank you for for sharing that because yeah that does happen with people that have experienced that before even like i know this is like anal sex right if you've ever tried anal and some people love it and some people like oh my god no because

of the way that they experienced that first the first time right so i'm so grateful that you talk about ass player you know proper ways to enjoy or try yeah absolutely and I find that with everyone to be honest especially like the first time they will engage in something like ass play it burns or it's painful it hurts and it's one of those areas obviously we're so in our heads already like it's gonna be dirty or like oh what happens if you know I get shit on something or you know whatever like yeah it can already be quite a like just in your head you already had a lot so I always yeah recommend that you're in you know when you're trying something new to try it yourself first if you can because you'll probably notice a difference let's say if you're using a

butt plug you'll be able to get it in like 10 times faster by yourself than if you have your partner trying to put it in for you because you can feel it you can relax into it you know exactly what's happening whereas when you have a partner even if you have all the trust in the world and you've done this multiple times they still might you know push it a certain way where maybe they go a little bit to the right where you need a bit to the left and because obviously they're not in your body they can't feel that it just makes it that little bit harder that little bit more tense not being able to fully you know relax and it's like obviously a protective mechanism from our bodies but yeah that's why I always recommend you know we said on the last podcast

try everything twice we were talking you know yes a lot of people say try everything once but I was like no try everything twice especially with sex because sometimes it just doesn't you can't relax or you're in your head or it doesn't feel that good but didn't feel bad and then the next time you try it feels so much better because you're more in it you know what to expect it's not just this new foreign experience it's getting rid of you know some of those other factors and you're able to enjoy it more yeah I love that yeah getting to know your own body is right what's going to lead me into the next question about masturbation I think it's so important for well even self-pleasure just getting to know your own body is so important like you said because any

even if you trust that person implicitly and you have the surroundings and everything's great but maybe you're still learning things about yourself or you want to explore things and isn't it better to try it yourself first and then guide a partner to being like this is what I like it's so much more enjoyable yeah it is and you can just relax more you know what to expect you're able to do it in a safe environment first where you can you know set it up to exactly how you like which you might be able to do with a partner anyway but like you know you can put you're in like let's say your own space the lighting's how you like it you're wearing something that's comfortable or nothing at all you're able to turn yourself on the way you like

first and then go into exploring it and then it takes out that factor of having to I guess communicate of like oh like this a bit more or this way or you know stop like you can just do that yourself and then you know when you go into it okay before maybe you even start doing it with a partner this is how I like it these are my boundaries is it you know and then they've got some idea because sometimes that's half the issue when people are having sex with somebody even like for the first time it's that like how can I communicate this in a way that they feel like is it going to ruin the mood or they don't feel because some people get they want to go silent during sex like even like they don't want to dirty talk which is one thing but they don't even want

to talk at all so if you could have that conversation beforehand can take some of that pressure off because some people feel like if there's all this talking or directing that it's gonna you know take away from that mood because people think that sex should just be this natural easy like primal thing that you should just want it and that it should just flow and happen a certain way or follow a certain sexual script and it's so not the case sex is like so awkward it definitely is especially that first time I mean you're so into each other and so turned on it's just like there can be fumbling or hitting each other or doing this or doing this wrong or like totally messing the whole bar on that yeah it's so awkward and it's just like yeah as you

said like fumbling around even just the moving of like oh do this position that who's gonna be more dominant who's gonna be more submissive who's calling that like you know obviously it's a conversation between two but who's calling like the shots of what's moving around then it's just so many pressures especially i feel like in heterosexual sex where it's like peter and like um evolve a peter penis and volus um like i find especially so many penis owners they're like oh like am i gonna be able to get an erection am i ever gonna you know maintain the erection when will i orgasm can i control this and then that just adds to the awkwardness because they're all up here you're all in your head or like it's the first time seeing each other naked and it's one

thing even to just take somebody in as they are naked let alone be like what do they think what do you know how's my body look in this position or that position or like even certain things like doggy oh my god they can see my ass right now like there's just certain things that you know get people in their heads oh my god yes we need to try and shut it down because I promise you nobody's like in there thinking of all those things like with each other and it's like if you can just be present like try to do some type of mindfulness I mean maybe if you're just like rushing into something and it's you know sexually crazed and you're just like excited but but there's some point in that like you know connection that you can just take a minute and just kind of

breathe and just be like you know what just let me be present let me enjoy the the senses of pleasure and the things that don't feel good i'm gonna say something and know that that's your in every right you have to say that and be okay yeah absolutely and i think one tip i have was like i guess some mindfulness you don't even necessarily have to be someone who practices practices it from day to day definitely easier if you do i always recommend like any tools you get given when it comes to sex trying to practice them outside of the bedroom so it's easier during because like something like mindfulness if you're only ever trying to do that in the bedroom but not out of the bedroom you've never learned that skill you're gonna be in your head trying to even just do the mindfulness in

the bedroom but one tip I have is to like almost like breathe in through your mouth or whatever but then as you're breathing out channel that breath almost to that area that's being pleasure and often if you just keep coming back like don't have orgasm to be the goal or don't even set any goals just focus on that feeling of pleasure and it will keep you so much more connected to your body to like the sex that you're having the partner or partners like I find that it's just it's a great way to keep coming back out of your head and you'll find you'll do that for three seconds and you'll go back to your head but bringing it back just the same way and that can just be an easy way because then you don't necessarily even focus you on your breath it's

just trying to focus on that area that's being pleasured yeah i like that thank you it's a great little uh nugget there guys yes okay so let me just go back to masturbation for a second what are the benefits of masturbating or so many benefits yeah so many benefits from reducing stress releasing like you know the happy feel good chemicals like oxytocin dopamine serotonin you can you know feel amazing for some people it can help you sleep so some people like to masturbate before bed because I think it releases prolactin which helps you sleep yeah and then for other people it recharges you which is me I do it and then I'm like yes let's go let's go get the day or your little afternoon boost and yeah there's a lot of benefits but then also you know

you can learn about your body understand your body more I feel like they're probably probably the main benefits that it has. I know. I heard this one time that it's supposed to build your immune system every time you orgasm. Honestly, probably. There's that many studies out there on really niche topics. But then I've also heard that there's things like some people when they, not that it's masturbation itself, but ejaculate, get sick, get the flu, really random. It's like, don't know there's not enough research out there it's super super rare but like our body these are just they do so many things that like you know and each body is obviously different so like it's hard for obviously research to cover all of that yeah yeah yeah that's true

but you know have sex self-pleasure masturbate anything that you want to try try yourself first then you can get a partner then you can kind of go in not that you're not going to explore with that partner potentially and try new things but have a baseline I think that's so important so that that is it's almost like you have a little bit of sexual confidence going into that new relationship or new partnership yeah and you're always going to have yourself you might not always have that partner and let's say that they're the one that leads all the self the the exploration in the partnership and sure that might give you some skills or you learn new things and work out what you're like but if that's I always just encourage that you do it yourself so that you

take that throughout you through your whole life and especially if you find yourself single for five years or something when you weren't expecting it then you know how to explore yourself and keep it fun and keep it exciting and pleasure yourself but then I think it's also important to touch on those who have like never masturbated and have shame about it because obviously there's a lot of people out there that have never typically women and yeah obviously society doesn't teach us how to do it or talks about it and there's a lot of actors so you know it's people hold a lot of shame there and one I guess of the reasons that I was I guess have hypothesized myself when it comes to penis owners vulva owners why it's typically that we see people with penises you

know masturbating at a younger age being confident in it and talking about it like jerking off or wanking just seems like such a normal thing for guys to do like I feel like if anything of a like a person was like oh I don't masturbate you'd be like what why like are you are you doing like no not November like what's going on but yeah one of my reasons was that I feel like because penises are there you can see when they get erect you can't miss them like they look down they see it and obviously if you've got this thing in front of you that all the time becomes hard you're gonna touch it and you're like oh that feels good let me touch it some more oh my god it's had an orgasm let me do that again whereas for a vulva it's you know it's tucked away a lot

of women have never even looked at their vulva before and we don't know when we're getting aroused we're not aware of the like signs to look out for across our whole body so we're not necessarily um you know looking to masturbate or if we do once or twice like oh like it was all right but for some vulva owners it can take like 20 minutes to become fully aroused or 40 minutes even like that's the higher end of it so if it's say you're somebody who takes 20 minutes to come like fully fully aroused like vulva is swollen able to experience maximum pleasure a lot of women don't actually spend the time to sit with themselves for that long and explore so you know if you do it for five minutes you say I don't really feel anything like of course you're not

gonna really feel anything if you're somebody who's like that and I think that's why education is super important because a lot of people aren't even aware of that yeah I think that's really important I think I've just learned this in the last like you know 10 years or something that you know most women it's like 15 to 20 minutes for full arousal or even you know orgasm where you know you can touch a penis depending on the age and that high sex drive can literally you cannot even touch in it ejaculate so you know that's obviously an extreme but yeah it's really important to know that it's okay and that's normal and men out there i hope the people that are listening to the show, at least know that by now. And if you don't, have patience. I really

say love the vulva, love the clit. And a clit is so highly sensitive. And it could be too sensitive too. So be very careful with pressure and touch. And when you're getting to know somebody, I mean, I'm sure you speak about this. Everybody has different pressures that they like. They have different ways of you know oral sex that they like and all of these things whether they like a finger and all of these things and just be aware that everybody is different and getting to know that person can take time yeah absolutely and just yeah having that patience as you said like sometimes like the click can be super sensitive sometimes overstimulation happens where it then feels like it goes now like it was too much too soon so building it up but also just

having that conversation with your partner or partners to make sure that you can pleasure them in the best way that you can asking them what do you like or at the end of a sexual experience all right what did you like this time and because it's going to be different each time you have sex like let's say you have sex in the morning you might want different things or you know feel more aroused or whatever in the morning compared to night like you've come home from a stressful day at work and you're just feeling differently in your body like this it's two different experiences or I always recommend doing either six or twelve month check-ins with your partner so that you are showing up and pleasuring each other in the way that they want to be pleasured because

often you just get in the motions you start to follow the same sexual script do the same thing you worked out okay this is how they like it this is how I like it let's just keep doing the same things to get each other off but that changes and things happen like kids menopause hormone changes you might come off contraceptives change contraceptives you start a new job you have just different lifestyle factors maybe you started going to the gym or you stopped going to the gym like so many things affect our sexuality um so I always recommend having these check-ins just to don't assume like so you're not just assuming all the time that this is how my partner you know wants to have sex because then if you know some I see this happens it's like you keep doing the same

way you started doing it less and less and less but nobody's speaking up about it no one's having these check-ins and then all of a sudden you're at a crisis point and some one partner doesn't want to have sex anymore and then you feel like your relationship's at this crisis yeah and you should see some somebody like Emily too if you're having these discussions and you're you know you're feeling like you guys are butting heads or you're feeling like you can't speak to them in a way that they're receiving because I'm imagining that's something that you deal with where maybe that three months check-in and he wants to be like you're just no fun anymore you don't do this anymore I mean nobody's going to receive any information or energy that way or like hear you

so just know that if if you need someone to be that you know person to help you talk through those things there's nothing wrong with that that's actually the beautiful thing about your profession yeah absolutely and i find that especially when it comes to certain sexual acts or kinks or things that people one partner might not have a great understanding of having somebody be able to explain that and work out too if that's something they even want to engage in or sometimes like a communication can just suck so having somebody that's able to help facilitate that conversation and actually work out what's going on here like one partner might be like oh like you know not wanting to have sex as much but there's actually something going on like I have

clients that come to me that have been with their partners for years and they've never had an orgasm with them and then kind of tried here and there to point them on like what they like but they just you know they're a bit of a people pleaser they just go in the motions it's easier to just you know do it and then they get to this crisis point and it's like well if you had of you know come to somebody like a sexologist or sex therapist whatever at the start to help facilitate that conversation so that we can build the communication and be like all right well how are you pleasuring each other is that even what you want like what do you like do you even know what you're like do you need to go do some solo play first to work that out or here's some tools to be able to find

that together because often there's a there's more going on than somebody just not wanting to have sex anymore even things of desire like there's two different types of desire responsive and spontaneous most people don't even know that they just assume that everyone should just let the sap of their fingers be horny or it'd be like hunger where you have this this feeling and you need to satisfy it. But like, we could go our whole lives without having sex and we would be fine. We might hate our lives, but we will be fine. I like that you said that two forms of desire because, yeah, I think typically male men in general have that very instantaneously, you know, they can look at her or look at something or actually have an image that they have in their

head, right, that they've fantasized about and they can get aroused. Where women, there's a different type of arousal you know we have to almost like take our time and you know marinate with the with like the sexual talk and the undressing and like you know there's a whole process and it can be really really fun but it's just not always instant and that's okay yeah absolutely and I do think some of this does come down to like you know penis is getting erect and they can see that and have that association because sometimes like a penis will be erect but you're not actually horny but they're like oh I must be horny like there's just that assumption and they just go into the motions and just do it but like they've done all these studies where they

get men and women to look at like pictures that they're flicking through that are like sexual in some way and they find the same like a very similar response in the genitals of and I think also in the brain of like being aroused to that image but we're often not told how to like tap into ourselves and how to, you know, see that arousal build. Even a fact, I literally learned this at a sexology conference like last weekend. I was like, oh my God, how did I not know this? But the clitoris, which a lot of people, if you haven't Googled the proper anatomy of a clitoris, please do so because so many people think it's just a little button and it's not. But I found out on the weekend, which kind of felt like a no brainer, but the clitoris and the

penis are made up of the same tissue and they both can become erect. And like penises will have like five erections typically during the night clitorises do the same we will have about five erections of our clitoris throughout the night and wake up with like an erect clitoris which is like that morning wood for like penises and I was like oh my god how has no one told me this like I just I don't know why like it makes sense but I was just like it was just a fact that I was like oh my gosh like our bodies are very much the same parts just organized in different ways but we've been socialized differently and obviously we have different hormones and things which like impacts it but um yeah it's just funny the more research the more similarities there are

across with our genitals yeah i have not heard that fact but that's really interesting but yeah have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and you're just like like for no reason you're just like horny you're like what is going on yeah was i having a wet dream i mean it was like i having a drink that you're like I don't think so makes so much yeah yeah absolutely or maybe your partner just starts spitting you in the middle of the night like I feel like everyone's had that experience so you start spitting you in the middle of the night and then all of a sudden it just turns into sex to have it yeah I really appreciate all that information because yeah I think just bottom line is the education in your sexual health your sexual wellness knowing that all of this is

okay and like you said I think you just briefly briefly touched about like kinks but like having you to basically have those discussions if you're not quite comfortable but just this really quick but do you recommend is there any other like tool or activity that you could recommend to if you do have a kink talking to a new partner about it in a way that's not so you know um blunt if you will yeah absolutely so I recommend especially for people just to get engaged like if you've got a new person that you're dating and you don't know how kinky they are or you don't necessarily feel comfortable starting a conversation yourself about what they're interested in using something like a yes no maybe list where I've got one on my website where you can like download it for free

go through and it's like yes like absolutely this is something I'm interested in already do or want to do maybe like oh you know if the context was right or you know I'll try it twice and see and then our hard barriers are absolutely not and then I added another section which I found other yes no maybe lists didn't have which was giving or receiving because there might be something you want to give but you don't want to receive and that's also just as important so going through that with a partner like have a date night or like sit down for a bottle of wine or something like oh I found this you know I was listening to this podcast or I found this list or whatever let's go through it and talk about it and you'll find you can either you know do it separately

come together and read the results or go through together because you'll probably find that it'll lead to conversations like there'll be one on there let's say threesome that's probably going to lead to a whole conversation about relationship structures and non-monogamy and getting a sense of where they sit with that so as you go through it's going to be it'll probably take a while take probably the whole day there'll be a lot of conversations or getting like a deck of cards there's so many different relationship decks sex ones out there like the one by bush i have i can't remember what it's called but by the vibrator brand bush they have a deck of cards and a lot of sex toy companies do now oh nice and that can be a way to you know spark conversation

about what do you like what do you not like what do you want out of sex how do you prioritize it and then expanding that to the relationship because they often include relationship questions as well which can be a good way especially early on to set the parameters of what you want the relationship to look like I feel like a lot of people sometimes miss that step or don't go into as much depth they just kind of oh I like you I like how you're making me feel and they are the same let's keep going okay now we're dating and other big conversations like monogamy or just how you really want that relationship to look or what I love you even means to me and to you I missed um and then it's something that happens later on and then you're like oh my god like

you're you're a lot deeper and a lot more emotions and feelings and it can yeah just obviously make the conversations maybe a little bit more difficult in a way it might make it easier but yeah it just depends yeah I'm so glad you brought that up that's like so huge and I don't know when anybody has told us really how to be in relationship other than like our parents right and most of our parents didn't have like uh the ideal like perfect relationship so I did okay but nobody says oh maybe you should have these conversations right away before you get into a relationship that deep of like you know these are my boundaries this is what I expect this is what I do this is what I like I'm open to this you know that's great I mean and you said it in

a way that you can do it really playful and take a date and kind of like make it in a way that's not so like I don't know interviewing questions or anything like where it's just too awkward so yeah that's great yeah and it takes the pressure of one person feeling like they're the one that's you know having to ask all these questions it's like oh here's just this deck of cards or whatever music and it facilitates that conversation for you so it kind of takes it off feeling like it is that interview or that you know there's this one person who might be more curious or sexually experienced or whatever because sometimes that dynamic can play out where it's like this one person who's a bit more reserved with sex or doesn't even think to have these conversations

and the other that feels like they're having to navigate this whole thing and it's all on them Whereas if you put it on something else, it can, I guess, take away that dynamic. Yeah, I love that. Well, I am so excited that you decided to jump on here and let everybody hear about all these amazing intricacies of sex and sexual health. I do have one last question because I think I've taken so much of your time today. I appreciate it. What was one of your favorite dates and what was it?

Oh, one of my favorite dates. let me think about this for a second I'm trying to like flick through them all and work out like what was my my favorite date does it have to be first date or just like oh it can be any it can be any any partner just something that resonated with you that you enjoyed and basically it's just to give a little bit of insight on you but a little bit of people like to hear different things and how to date whether it resonates with them or not so I just kind of like that question yeah so when that comes to mind which really fitting with a conversation today was I remember it was like the fall would have been a couple weeks in we're still like dating going on dates

and we went on a little road trip only like an hour down the road but just like a little day trip to like this really nice coastal town but on that road trip we were sitting in the car because sometimes that can be like I want to talk about it because awkward silence this feels so awkward when you start dating you're not comfortable in silence we did a yes no maybe list but also we were like an online quiz so we were just like going through and it's literally for the hour drive there and the hour drive back filled in the whole car drive and we learned so much about each other and what we wanted out of sex relationships and then we also had this amazing date in the middle where we went and looked at waterfalls and went out for lunch and you know all these other

things but yeah that was probably the best one because it was very much like I got to incorporate the best of both worlds with my sexology and loving to talk about sex and then also enjoying the date I love that I thank you for sharing it sounds like a perfect date I mean like yeah it's the car rides because sometimes like you said it can be awkward but it can also be like the best place because you can't run away from conversation and so it's like all right we're getting down to it yeah absolutely and also when you're having discussions about something like sex I find in a car there's other things to look at you don't have to look at each other and sometimes that can be something that's really daunting for people when they're having these discussions is

sitting across from somebody having that they need to fidget or be doing something so I find a car someone's driving you don't have to look or make eye contact and it can help you feel a bit more relaxed in it yeah that's great well thank you for sharing that so everybody listening here if they want to discover more Emily where can they find you and learn more things about you and what you offer so at my website www.emilydunkinsexology.com so you can find my podcast there the yes or maybe list I've even got like journaling prompts things on there you can also book sessions there anyone around the world can book them and then you can also find my podcast that's orgasmic on all streaming platforms i have an instagram page that's orgasmic where i share the podcast share

a bit about my personal life as well and share just information about sex relationships and sexual health i love it thank you so much i really appreciate taking the time today for everybody here listening so don't forget to go check out her information everybody and have a wonderful. Hey, thank you. If you enjoyed today's episode and want to support podcasts like ours, then please hit that subscribe button, leave a five star rating and or invite others to listen. Your support is what helps us grow and continue to bring you valuable content. Thanks for hanging out with us

on today's episode. Let's stay connected. You can find me on Instagram at Celeste more image and I'd love to hear your thoughts on today's discussion. For all the links, resources and additional information mentioned in this episode, check out the show notes on my website, Celeste more.com. That's all for now. But stay tuned for our next episode where we'll dive into more exciting topics. Until then, see you next time, friends.