Moore Style - The Art of Relational Intelligence with Adam Bandelli

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

Being relationally intelligent is one of the bedrocks of healthy relationships which trickles health and happiness into every aspect of your life. Adam Bandelli is the master of this topic and this week he gives us an in depth look into what relational intelligence is, the skills that make a relationally intelligent person and how to bring these practices into your daily life.  This episode is a life changing listen and I know you can bring all this information into your life and those around you as well!  In this week’s episode, we discuss:  [1:11] Who is Dr Adam Bandelli?  [5:41] Adam’s struggle with mental health  [9:34] What is Relational Intelligence?  [10:13] First Skill of Relational intelligence: Establishing Rapport  [13:18] Second Skill of Relational Intelligence: Understanding Others [16:55] Third Skill of Relational Intelligence: Embracing Individual Differences   [21:00] Fourth Skill of Relational Intelligence: Developing Trust  [24:57] Fifth Skill of Relational Intelligence: Cultivating Influence  [27:11] The Stages of Relational Intelligence in Romantic Relationships [34:37] Can Relational Intelligence restore a relationship [37:38] How does one find out how well developed their Relational Intelligence is [38:59] After learning this information how does one move forward [43:29] Adam’s favorite date Connect with Adam  Website  Instagram   

Hi, everyone. I'm your host, Celeste Moore, and you are listening to the Down and Dirty podcast, aka the Double D's of dating. This is a podcast for navigating the ins and outs of modern midlife dating. Here, we will discuss the challenges that men and women face in today's dating world. Like many industries, this one is forever changing, and I believe this platform will help those who need or want it. Today, it is the best time to take control of your desired outcome, whether it is a marriage, significant other, life partner, or just to gain the confidence in dating once again. Every other week, we will dive in and talk about different viewpoints that seem to be challenges in today's dating arena.

So let's get into today's episode. Welcome everybody. Today's episode 28 with guest speaker, Dr. Adam Bandelli. Let me tell you a little bit about Dr. Bandelli here. He is a visionary founder and managing director of Vandellian Associates. He has 20 years of management and leadership advisory, consulting expertise in firms, service offerings, including board consultations, senior executive selection, leadership development, CEO succession, organizational culture, and transformational change. Adam is the author of the books, Relational Intelligence, Five Essential Skills you need to build life-changing relationships. And the other one is What Every Leader Needs,

the 10 Universal and Disputable Competencies of Leadership Effectiveness, which has received very strong reviews from prominent business leaders. Adam has a PhD and master's degree from USF, University of Southern Florida in Industrial Organizational Psychology and a bachelor's degree, degree concentrating in psychology and business management. You are educated, my man. Um, he, uh, if anybody knows anything and everything about what he talks about in his book, relational intelligence, um, I know there are so many more things that you do, uh, but wanted to let every know, everybody know how accomplished you are so that, you know, why would people want to read your books? Why would they want to come see

you? Let's start at the beginning just a little bit. What was your initial interest in becoming a psychologist? Yeah, that's a great question, Celeste. So I am an athlete first. I know your audience can't see, but I have my shoe wall behind me. So I played basketball in college. I was a point guard. And when I realized freshman year that I wasn't going to the NBA and going to be like Mike, I had to come up with a plan B. I'm a big believer in mentors. And so I met my first mentor my freshman year. I had never heard of this subject called industrial organizational psychology. And so I took the class spring of my freshman year and in walks a professor in a three-piece suit with a Rolex. And I was like, okay, this guy's interesting. Most of my professors

don't dress like that. So as he started teaching that semester, the topics like leadership and teamwork and motivation and goal setting. Those are all things I knew for a decade of my life playing sports. And so I started a habit then that I do now with all my clients and colleagues is I just wrote him a handwritten letter at the end of the semester and said, thank you for the class. If there's any other classes you offer, I'd love to take part in those as well. And about six weeks later, I got a call from one of his graduate assistants and they said, you know, he would like to invite you to the American Psychological Association's annual conference in New York City. So I ran out to Sears, got a suit that was three sizes bigger than me,

printed out my Vista print cards and went. And he was giving a talk on a subject I had never heard before called emotional intelligence. And it was really my first understanding that there are different types of intelligence, not just IQ or raw intellectual horsepower. And so I was fascinated by that. And that led me on a 10-year journey, which ultimately ended in me doing my dissertation on relational intelligence. But it was a lot of the work that he kind of sowed into my life and invested in me that got me down the path where I am today. So crazy that you say that because, you know, as somebody that didn't study psychology in college, you know, I took very basic classes, but I'm thinking the whole time, I swear to God,

before I saw what you do, that EQ was pretty much it when it comes to dating and like, not just dating, but all of our relationships. And I started reading, you know, your book and your articles. And I was like, wow, it really is such a, a part of that. It's such a small portion. And I can't wait for you to start talking about what that, you know, what that entails. I was like, wow, I love the fact that I can continue to learn. And hopefully just like everybody else in the dating world, I mean, it's so important that you constantly have self-growth. So I just, so I also understand a little bit that you've had your own struggles with mental health. Is that something that you are comfortable sharing or is that, how does that relate into

how you created your work? Yeah. Yeah. It's a great question. So it's actually funny. These things started happening in parallel swim lanes when i started my doctoral program um so going to my doctoral program i started doing all the research around what are the skills that help people build life-changing relationships across their lives um at the same time personally um for the first time in my life i started to feel depressive symptoms um didn't have the energy to go to the gym didn't have the excitement or you know things like shaving my head or you know hygiene or eating right you know all the things that were part of my life normally they just started to go away um feelings of despair hopelessness uh so i went to uh one of my

family members to go see a therapist on campus i'd never been to therapy before i thought it was for people who had problems and so i did a couple sessions and then i went home for the summer break and then i came back in the fall and i felt that i had to kind of catch up for the two or three months that i was behind in my mind um started working and pushing myself really hard. But then I started to see really abnormal behaviors on the other end of the scale, you know, sleeping two hours a night, spending excessively, promiscuous, like just drinking a lot of drugs, just things that, you know, someone who's manic would engage in. And that went on for about two and a half months or so. And then right after that, I took an internship halfway across

the country. And within three weeks, I was suicidal. And so my father at the time took me to a psychiatrist. And the psychiatrist basically said to me after like three minutes, no bed side manner that you have bipolar disorder, take these three or four meds and come back in three weeks. And in that moment, this is in my early twenties now. So I'm an arrogant kid. A psychologist getting his PhD can't have a mental health disorder. That's not possible. And so I rejected the diagnosis outright. And that led me down a path for the next seven, eight years where I lived in denial about having a mental health disorder. At the time I had gotten engaged and married. A cocaine addiction started and it destroyed my marriage. At that point, it destroyed

my career, so I thought. So this all happened personally as I was becoming a leadership advisor, learning how to do the craft that I do today, researching and writing and starting relational intelligence. So those two things were happening simultaneously. That's pretty intense. I mean, the fact that you just said that. Well, I've experienced a lot of what you've experienced personally with myself and and and my daughter actually but i what i think is very interesting is the fact that you were like no uh psychologists can't have mental health issues like where did that come from where where was that like instilled in you in school and just for from you personally i think being a man in his 20s men are taught from an early age don't show emotions don't show

weakness. You have to be tough. And so there was never a conversation with my father or with a basketball coach or someone when they told me these things. I just said, men aren't supposed to show that they are having problems or difficulties. And so for me, it was a really strong lesson, Celeste, in humility. I think if humility is not practiced, it'll be taught. And so I had to go. I would not be where I am today with the books and my own firm had I not gone through that. And so I think everything happens for a reason. Um, but for me, it was really a big lesson in humility. I feel like that makes your work so much more meaningful in the sense that you love what you do, you understand what you do, and you really can

bring that to your clients. So that's something, you know, it sucks to have gone through all of those things, like you said, but it has shaped who you are. Uh, and I think that a lot of us go through that. But that's amazing. So I think that I would love people to understand what is relational intelligence. Yeah. Yeah. So we define relational intelligence as the ability to successfully connect with people and build strong, long lasting relationships. And so our framework, the Bandeli relational intelligence model is comprised of five skills that people in their personal professional life of dating life if they want to really build dynamic long-term relationships they have to practice these skills okay um what are these skills well let's just say

what's number one what's number one yeah one by one so the first skill is establishing rapport and this is the ability to use energy to create a positive initial connection with another person so if we look at the dating world this is from the moment you swipe on an app and you start talking to someone, um, it's how you carry yourself. The first impression that you meet, you go on a first date, what type of energy and enthusiasm and excitement do you bring? Um, it covers things like finding common ground with a woman or maintaining eye contact, body language. Are you using your body in a way that shows you're interested in her? Um, so it's a lot of these things around kind of the early connections that you have with people, um, the choice of words that

you use, you know, things, everything in terms of how you're communicating. And I'm a big proponent on, it's not just what you're communicating, it's how you're doing it. And so for men meeting women going on dates, you know, are you asking questions? Are you drawing them into the conversation? Those are some of the things that kind of apply to establishing rapport. You make a really good point because the clients that come to me, you know, coming prepared to the date, for example, asking questions that are not, that are very purposeful though, right? It's like what are you passionate about trying to get those things to learn about that person but you know not surface questions because i don't believe in surface questions you're never going to meet

someone and you're never going to really find out about them right so i love that you um i i mean rapport is huge you know non-verbal verbal communication verbal communication body language you know how are we how are you showing up that's that's pretty much like i think number one with anything if you're going to get a second date you have to bring it on that's right yeah yeah and in the corporate side a lot of the work we do like everyone's been around a leader who walks into the room and you feel inspired and motivated and there's other leaders that you walk into the room with them they suck the energy out of the room so how you show up how you use your energy dictates how strong you lay a foundation with relationships across all areas of

your life that's a good point too um do you feel that though people can be dishonest when it comes So that like, say maybe that's not them all the time, or is this just the initial, like, okay, just put your all in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I think there's a couple of different things people have talked about, you know, just folks who are salespeople and kind of just putting out what you think people want to see in the

dating world. The two underlying key themes of relational intelligence to Celeste are intentionality and authenticity. So at certain point, if you're being manipulative or you're trying to use a woman to fulfill your own needs, they're going to find out, you know, you may get away with it on the first date or second date, but they're going to find that relatively quickly. So relationally intelligent men are authentic and intentional in terms of how they come across, not just equipment, but all areas of their life.

Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Like you said, by the second date, I know that you're full of it. So that's great. So that leads us to skill number two. What is that? Yep. Skill number two is understanding others.

And this is the ability to be intentional about putting in the time and effort needed to get to know someone on a deep level. And so to do that, this is where emotional intelligence EQ comes in because EQ is basically defined at its most like foundational level, the ability to understand your emotions, the emotions of others, and how to manage emotions effectively. So if I'm on a date with you and I'm trying to build a relationship, I better be able to understand how to manage how I'm feeling, to be observant of how you're feeling, and then being able to manage emotions in the moment. But that's just one piece of the puzzle. Great relationally

intelligent men, women, they're strong, active listeners. So they listen to hear, not listen to respond. Most people want to just say their piece. They don't want to actually listen to what another person is communicating. Relationally intelligent people are strong, active listeners. They're also curious and inquisitive. So they just don't ask your point, the surface level questions. they ask questions to really get at the underlying aspects of a person's story or their background or things that interest them um and then the other biggest piece about understanding others is being empathetic and compassionate you know can you put yourself in someone else's shoes um we do this great analogy in a lot of the training we do you know sympathy is walking past a pit and seeing

someone fall in it and saying all that stinks where empathy is actually getting in the pit and helping them out and so people who are empathetic really initiate strong connections with others yeah that's a it's a good point to make um when when you say understanding others too you know how like really being and intent in listening that's also listening to body language so it's one thing to hear a word and maybe repeat it so that person understands that you're actually hearing but if someone is saying uh yeah everything's great yet my body is towards the exit my feet are towards the exit everything is not great my arms are closed off and you know so really understanding is like looking at the whole package looking at body language looking at what

she's saying so on and so forth i think that's also huge and that's why these skills build on each other. If you don't initially build rapport, you can't really start to understand a person. So I would say the dating world, first date, you're doing mostly rapport building. You may do a little understanding others, but once you go on date two, date three, and both of you decide if this is going to be something you want to move forward with, the understanding others piece becomes so important. And that's a skill to your earlier point is something that should be ever evolving. Your partner and you should continuously evolve and grow. So it's a journey that you go on together do you feel that you can meet somebody uh and being a different level relationalized

intelligent wise you know i mean say i've only made it to three but i want that five yeah what do you feel some blind spot yeah there are some blind spots that can prevent people from building strong relationships so lacking self-awareness lacking social astuteness being able to read a room. The biggest one is poor management of emotions. I do a lot of work with men, females, senior executives, and we'll talk about their personal lives and their dating lives and someone who can't manage anger or frustration. And it's more so men than women. They can destroy a relationship quickly. Yeah. Yeah. That's the coping skills, right? Isn't that part of a number two EQ? Yeah. So a great question leading forward. What is

going forward? What is skill three? Yeah. Skill three is what we call embracing individual differences. And this is the ability to be authentic and acknowledge and accept that everyone comes from different backgrounds and experiences. So this is where it's really about, you know, appreciating their story. And a lot of the work that we do, we help companies hire senior executives. And I have one today where we'll spend three hours with a leader to hear their story. You should be able to do that with your partner, but also bring that true self to the table as well. So this is where if you're a manipulator or if you're trying to use people, you'll get found out relatively quickly. But, you know, men or women who can be themselves

and really show like who they are, I think get that stronger connection. I really agree because I feel like in today's society with the internet, with, you know, instagram all the you know social media platforms and you know you could put filters on and then you meet somebody and it's like i have so many hard stories from dating with women who will have the angelic kind of filter pictures and then they show up looking like trolls and so it's just i have i have different rules now with my dating we'll do we'll do a face time to kind of make sure you're who you say you are um so but it's it's it's being authentic is hard for a lot of people. In my own life, I was in a relationship where the woman I was with helped bring that out

of me. For years, I wouldn't talk about mental health or that I had bipolar, even after I accepted it. I wouldn't have 200 shoes behind me because I thought my clients and my friends would think I'm crazy, but I'm a sneakerhead. That's part of my identity. So my last partner, she really helped me bring that out and define what authenticity means for me. And so I think for your clients, the men that you work with, it really is about doing some hard work on yourself to understand what your values are, understand what makes you tick, understand how you show up in those situations, understand what are the hot buttons that get you frustrated or angry. You can't be authentic if you don't really do that work on yourself.

Yeah. I also feel that hopefully they're bringing their authentic self in step one or skill number one and then it kind of grows from there but i much rather you know know someone's authentic self than than not like don't try to be someone that you're not because nobody wants the same right i want your i want your weirdness i want your like fun all the things that make you you that's so much more attractive yeah and the fact that you know who you are is is also the attractive side. So you might not be for me, but you know, I love you anyway. Like I'm really, you know, enjoying who you are. So yeah, there's, I don't know. I want to ask you this about women. I know for men, the fear of rejection is often so strong. And so that will prevent men. She's

going to know this or that about me. Is that similar for women or is it not in terms of the vulnerability of being rejected? I don't think it's as detrimental to the ego. In my experiences, I feel that women can be a little bit more vulnerable or be a little bit more. The women I know are very confident and sharing who they are. I think when you're younger in your twenties,

maybe you're still finding out who you are and are you comfortable sharing? Oh, well, I might like this. I might like this sexually. I might like, you know, is he going to think I'm a freak or, you know, whatever it is, but yeah. So I think as you get older, um, thirties, forties, for sure, you are definitely more comfortable in your skin. Yeah. Yeah. It's such a beautiful thing. I have to say, uh, yeah. So I think if you start teaching men, coaching men,

like even from a corporate, the corporate side, the relational side, any kind of relational side i think it's teaching them how to be comfortable with being authentic with who they are with being vulnerable because you're not going to have a real relationship until you get to those points until you really start to understand yeah that's a great segue to the fourth skill which is developing trust this is the most important skill in relational intelligence without trust relationships don't thrive and we define it as the ability to be vulnerable and risk being exposed to the actions and behaviors of others. And so vulnerability is the key piece here. And as I mentioned, we call it in the book, the mirror test. You really have

to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know the good, bad, and ugly about yourself if you're going to be able to be vulnerable with others. So that's kind of at a foundational level, but then there's the currency of trust. We call them the five Cs. And so in a dating world, in a dating context, the first one is competence. Can your partner believe that you will bring to the table, whatever they need, whether it's emotionally, financially, spiritually, whatever that is, do they believe you have it in that area to support them? Two, commitment. Are you going to honor the commitments you make to them? We're going to go on a date on Friday. We're going to do this with your family. Will you honor the commitments? Consistency, will you show up the

same each day, whether she's in a good mood, a bad mood, does your character stay the same? And then going deeper with character, are you a person of good ethics and integrity and morals? Will you not use things against your partner or gaslight or do things like that? And then the last piece is often the most challenging is courage. Once you start to get into a relationship with a man or a woman, do you have the confidence to tell them what they need to hear and not what they want to hear when you see them starting to engage in behaviors that may be detrimental to them, to you or the relationship? That's tough.

i feel that i feel like trust definitely happens through as a child right with your parents and how they dealt with things coping skills uh and and how you and then as your relationships and and so on and so forth but what if just say you had a relationship didn't do well for whatever reason and you bring in you keep bringing in the same elements to your next relationship you know uh expecting that it's going to be different because it's a different person when in reality it's it's your it's things that you haven't yes it's you and you haven't dealt with these things and yeah you know so to to open up and be trusting with someone has to really you've got to work on yourself and and really i guess trust yourself at some point right

trust yourself before you can trust others or extend trust and a big thing that we talk about and a lot of the work we do in the corporate level is we've been taught from an early age trust must be earned, especially managers or leaders. When we talk about it under relational intelligence, trust must be given, not earned. And the way that that's done is through the concept we call intentional generosity. It's making investments into the relationships with people without the expectation that you're going to get something returned every single time. People who are not relationally intelligent or mostly transactional, I do this for you, you do this for me. If you're developing trust and building with a woman or a man in a romantic

setting, you really want to be giving to the relationship, not just taking. Yeah, that's an excellent point. Because I don't think many people do that, right? I don't. Not in the business world, not in the personal world. That's been a frustrating thing this year, as we've kind of introduced this concept to the business world is that most people are transactional. And, you know, for someone to extend beyond that, and think about the relationship with someone and not just what they're trying to get out of it in the moment is tough for a lot of well also you're not going to keep having the same clients right they're going to eventually see that it's transactional i think when you really get personal with somebody and that's

how you build those relationships and really being honest and true and man relational intelligence is huge i'm so glad you wrote this book this is so great um so after after okay you're you've developed trust, you're ready to go to number five. What is that? Yeah. Number five, we call this cultivating influence. And this is the ability to have a positive and meaningful impact on the development or growth of another person. So in a romantic context, this is really one of the most powerful skills in the framework, because as you move towards a long-term committed relationship, or as you move towards marriage, you should be wanting to bring out the best in your partner or spouse. And so that's helping them achieve their dreams or goals professionally.

that's sometimes putting the needs of theirs over your own when people think the word influence they think you know manipulate control or get someone to do what i want them to do we don't talk about or look at it in that way it's really about can you bring a sense of i want to help you reach your goals or reach your dreams and so each partner is in a healthy relationship should want to do that for their partner yeah it's it's called a coercion if it's the other thing it's like that's right What can I do? Right. This is crazy because I feel that this is something I'm a parent and I feel that this is such a natural element to being a parent. it's almost like, so I feel like for number four would be the stopping point for me, but I, I don't, where can these be interchangeable or is it like, okay, no number one skill,

you have to have that down to go to number two to number three. There is kind of an order to them, but you should always be understanding the person you're with. You should always be investing in being intentionally generous in the relationship. you should always be helping them think through what they want to do with their career as life progresses so there's a lot of back and forth through the skills i mean you have to obviously build rapport before you develop trust but once you get into this and once you start getting into a relationship and you're with someone three months six months a year all these skills start to interact and interchange with each other okay yeah that's awesome um so can you explain you

there's four stages of relational intelligence is that correct yeah i'm not really so i just think in terms of my for dating yeah for the dating world i should say these are adam's perspectives celeste could have a totally different perspective so yeah let's hear adam's perspective yeah so i think there is the honeymoon stage that's the first you know three to six months and this is really where establishing rapport and understanding others becomes important i think for most of your male clients at least in my experiences men like to brag and talk about what they do and how much money they have and all the fancy cars they have. If a man actually asks a woman questions intentionally and genuinely wants to know about her, he'll get a second and

third and fourth date relatively quickly. If it's all just about him, you'll probably get that one date and she'll be ready to walk out the door. Yeah. You know, we love to hear, we, we love successful men as a high value woman. We like a high value man. Right. Um, but I feel that there's just other ways that you can show us that you're successful and a lot of it is being a little bit more quiet about it right i mean find out yeah exactly right right um yeah that's such a great point and i think that uh people dating definitely the men like just ask us questions get to know us but ask us questions that are like oh yeah what do you do even for women don't ask like oh so what do you know like it's very like what about like what are you passionate about what is your what

are some of your like what are some of the best books you're reading right now you know just like start asking questions that that are going to relate to really what you want out of the relationship as well what are your beliefs and your um values right yeah i've done this in my personal life dating as well i have a list of like qualities i'm looking for in a woman and so like i know that I want someone who's going to be emotionally available. I want someone who's going to be intellectually stimulating, like things that I want and I value. So you can start to ask questions around those areas. Now, are they open to new experiences? Do they like to try different things? Again, it goes back to this idea of really getting clear and doing the mirror

test with yourself. Once you start knowing what your values are, you'll have a better idea of what you want in a partner. Yeah, I agree. I think beliefs and values are something that will make a relationship last, but you can have different hobbies. You can have different things, but when it comes to the very, very deep things, yeah, I agree. So what is number two? So once you get through the honeymoon phase, then we go into the reality state phase. And this is where you say, oh shit, what did I get myself into? This is where most relationships will end unless each person really embraces individual differences, shows up authentically and really brings their full self to the relationship.

this is where the people who manipulate or play games usually get found out um this is where people who have been putting on a show or an act get found out so you really have to be authentic and that's what's most important in the reality stage relationships are going to have conflict that is that is part of any healthy relationship how you deal with the conflict how you manage it um is what's really important that's a tough one right just knowing well because we all deal with conflict in different ways, or I, you know, and if you don't know, as an adult, that may be the things that how you dealt with it as a child, like my parents went into silent treatment. And so, you know, if you're not vocal, or if you're not speaking and having that communication,

then you're never going to get through that. Yeah, that's really important. What if there's different communication styles? Is that something that still can be worked on? I think having a conversation about it, communicating about communication. Absolutely. yeah talking about like when i get into an argument i like to go cool down for an hour and my partner likes to hash it out or maybe i want to sleep on it for the night my partner wants to talk it through you have to talk about that so you guys can come up with strategies together in a game plan for when a conflict arises how you're going to handle it together yeah you know that that's mostly how men deal with their conflict though right as they go in their

cave you know what yeah it's not so much that they they're walking away they need they go in their cave, whether it's an hour or a day or whatever. And the woman wants to like, Oh, I need to handle this. I need to hash it out. But if you allow your partner, the man to go and reflect and do what he needs to do. And then when he's ready, 95%, it's going to be okay. You're going to figure it out. So that's, that's feminine and male usually, or masculine. So, so number three, what phase is that? Yeah. So if you get past the reality phase, you go into the adjustment phase. This is where vulnerability becomes a really important thing. This is where developing trust becomes an important thing. This is where you express your doubts, fears, and worries with

your partner. This is where you talk about adversity that you've gone through in your life. This is where you start to practice intentional generosity more. This is where you want to give to the relationship rather than take. And so, and this is the phase, if you're going to be moving towards a long-term committed relationship and marriage, this is where you start to talk about your life together. What are you creating together? Do you want to have kids? Do you want to do this? Do you want to live here? Do you want to live there? So this is where it really is about starting to form that partnership for your future. And I just want to make it clear too that when you are in a committed relationship, whether you're married or not, or however you want to

define it it's really really important that you keep your own individuality i think some people come together and they assume that oh we're together it's we we we we and so many couples do it and they lose their they lose themselves and 10 years down the line they're kicking themselves in the ass because they don't know who they are anymore yeah yeah unfortunately my last relationship was like that i was with a woman for four years we got engaged and she kind of lost herself in the relationship and it kind of just set us down a path where things fall apart. Yeah. And then she's blaming you for this or that, or, you know, it's, yeah, it's, it's a bad cycle. So each individual should be healthy, have their own interests, have their own life,

but come together as a team. And I think that makes the relationship so much stronger. So, so phase four. Yeah. So that's the lasting intimacy phase. This is really going into marriage and kind of really building a life together. And this is where cultivating influence comes in. This is where, you know, do you regularly encourage your partner to advance their career? Do you find time to talk about your future together? Goals that you have as a couple? Do you challenge your partner to remove bad habits or things that could be damaging relationships with you or with others? And do you provide opportunities for them to give you feedback? You know, it's being a lifelong learner. I'm a big proponent of that personally and professionally.

And if we're constantly evolving, I think we're either moving forward or we're moving backward. Do you have someone who is really kind of your cheerleader and champion and wanting to see the best for you? I a hundred percent agree on all of that because yeah, like I said earlier, you constantly have to be learning about things in life and we're never stagnant. We're dying or we're growing. But the, the one question I have, I don't know if you know the answer, but I have, you

you know, some friendships over time where I see a married couple and they grow apart. Yeah. You know, when they got married, she was this way when he got married, he was this way. And maybe they were never truly honest with themselves at that point, or maybe they just didn't know. But I feel like could this still last with all of these steps and phases and, you know, that they go through? Is that something that and I know that's so like, that's such a broad question, but is it. Can relational intelligence restore a relationship? Yeah. Yeah. I think so. I think so. I have one of my very close friends now I've known for 30 years, him and his wife, they moved to a new city. They have a four-year-old and a three-year-old.

They work different schedules. She was, she's a nurse. She works most overnights. He's a professor works during the day. And so they haven't had a time to spend with each other. They haven't had a date night. And so, you know, when couples run into situations like that, you can kind of go different ways. And it's not because the love's not there. It's just life happens. And so I think again, as I mentioned, the intentionality of relational intelligence, carving out that Friday night where you get a babysitter, you get grandma and grandpa to watch the kids. So you can have a date night. So I think yes, 100% couples who may have gotten pulled apart for a variety of different reasons, contextual or individual personality wise. If you start to be intentional about

investing in the relationship again it can be restored 100 okay it's good to know for all those people that are married i do have married clients as well but you know that's mostly getting them you know my friend what do you see as the main thing yeah when you have a married couple that you're working with and kind of lose that spark what have you found the thing to kind of bring them back together and reignite the flames again yeah so i think what happens very naturally you get comfortable, you know, you maybe not everybody, but there are that, that spouse, that person who stops going to the gym, they stop caring about what they stop being sexy, or they stop putting the, the effort into, like you said, date nights, right. It's so important to the

relationship came first before the kids, before your job, before whatever. And so it's just as important. So, you know, I'm finding that, oh, well, can you, can you really get my husband sexy back like how he's dressing like like you know he has dad bod now whatever i mean so get him to also ask me questions what's my love language do those things for me make me feel wanted and desirable and i think when it comes down to it it's wanting to feel desirable still yeah yeah that makes sense you know so it's it's really try to like you know what are those things and get that back you know because it's really easy to get comfortable and and just say okay i'm with you i'm married so i don't have to try anymore that's right it's not true yeah you really

do um especially when you have like children or a dog or you know just different careers and different even friendship groups so that's really really important um so what are some of the skills. So, okay. Just for example, how would I know where I rate and where I need to be in relational intelligence? So there's a couple of different things. I think the first thing, picking up the book and kind of going through it at the end of every, the book is split into two parts. The first part is a chapter on each of the skills. And at the end of each chapter, there's kind of a playbook of three or four things you can do to practice the skills or see if you actually have them already. The second half of the book are the applications

of relational intelligence. So your family relationships, your friendships, your business relationships, and your romantic ones. So that's the first thing, Celeste. The second thing is I would encourage any of your listeners or any of your clients to go to our website, bandeliandassociates.com. That's bandeliandassociates.com.

In January, we will be launching our relational intelligence assessment. So people can actually take their assessment, similar to like the Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram or other tests are out there, where you can at least find out what your relational intelligence is and then decide the strategy, the tools, maybe you work with a life coach and maybe you work

with a therapist and maybe you work with an executive coach. But at least it gives you a baseline understanding of where you stand on each of the five skills today. Oh, that's amazing. Right. You could just like, boom, black and white. Oh, I kind of know that, you know, that's amazing. I love that because yeah. How do I move forward? Right. What are some of the ways what are some of like the tools other than reading the book and taking like a test so moving forward okay uh what can i do now to say i'm not really ready to go to a therapist or whatever um are there things that i can do at home are there things that yeah yeah so it's going to sound very basic but i think it really is life-changing if you practice to consistently

journal oh i've been journaling for almost 10-15 years it's a habit that i start the day with so I'll get up and make a cup of coffee. And I have one of these spiral journals, just one page of the journal with my thoughts, moods, and emotions, how I'm feeling about the day. Am I excited about a sales meeting? Am I excited about a date I'm going on? Am I frustrated with one of my employees? Just capturing how you think and feel on a daily basis starts to create a pattern of you understanding yourself in a better way. And then you can start to get into a deeper level about your values or about the things that make you tick or about what you want in a partner. I think anyone, a man or a woman, especially if in your thirties or early forties, and you've been in some relationships that you ruined and you've been in some relationships that others ruined, really getting clear about what you want is really critical.

That's great. Yeah. I just wake up and do a gratitude journaling, but you know, that's, I think that's even, even more important because like, how am I, how am I feeling? You know, what am I, how, how are things playing out in my life? Yeah. That's a great on top of, you know, grateful. yeah um perfect i think is there anything else that you want to tell listeners here other than where to find you and the things uh and the books that you offer that i missed i think the biggest thing people might say you know why relational intelligence and why now um and i think you know we've come out of the pandemic now where most people were socially isolated like this for two years. And so a lot of people, I see this a lot of my clients on the business side, they lost the art of human face-to-face communication. And so this will be a playbook for how to do that. I think too, you look at kind of where we are as a society and as a country

today, the events of 2020, George Floyd, social justice, people are talking a lot more about authenticity and vulnerability. Mental health is talked about much more. So this gives folks a really kind of good way to build relationships with people in all areas of their life. In my life, a lot of the work we do at my firm, kind of our social cause or philanthropic cause is around mental health awareness. And so if you have someone in your family who has a mental health disorder, or if you do, these skills can be used to really help you build a strong support system. And then I think the last piece, I think, you know, if you are a entrepreneur or business owner, someone that owns a business, we're sitting in the great resignation now where people are leaving

jobs left and right, because they're not getting that investment made from their employers. And they're not getting that sense of that they matter and that they want to help them grow. So if any of your men are kind of leaders in companies, being able to learn relational intelligence and intentionally invest in their employees is a great way to drive engagement, to drive loyalty and commitment, and then ultimately financial profitability. That's so well said. Everybody, like you have, it's like down.

I love it. reach out to him and read his book first and whatever you need to do. But I have learned so much about relational intelligence. And like, like you said, it's not just in the dating world, but it's any, any type of relationship, your family, your spouse, I mean, obviously, uh, you know, work. So, um, I think that's amazing. And I think it's a tool. And like you said, to keep pop to keep learning to keep you know personal growth so yeah yeah um also so where can i know you've said your website a few times can you um your the books just go ahead and i mean i have i have what they're called but go ahead and yeah yeah we'll put in the podcast

notes but yeah the website bandelianassociates.com you can learn about relational intelligence the other things we do around leadership development um you can find me instagram linkedin facebook at Adam Bandelli. And Instagram specifically, we try to put out a lot of content to help people just with any of the struggles or challenges they deal with in their life. We're doing a lot of posts over the next five or six days around how to navigate and get through the holidays with family members you may not see eye to eye with. And so, you know, if people are looking for daily inspiration or a way to kind of just better themselves, the Instagram is the best place to go. That's great content. I did a very small portion of that in my last podcast. So

you'll you'll learn so much more from him because he's a psychologist uh last personal question um what was your favorite date and what was it well that's a really good question in the last year or ever anything that pops into your head so i did a really fun but crazy date it was a first date that was a weekend it turned into a weekend we had talked for like two three weeks and you know done a couple of FaceTimes, but the date started at Dorney Park. So again, you have to be confident in yourself to be in a bathing suit around a man or a woman the whole day. Um, and then we ended up, it was like two and a half hours away from where both of us live. And then we ended up going out and seeing a jazz band that night. We got a hotel and spent the whole weekend. So it was

awesome. It was a really great weekend. Um, there were opportunities for a lot of disasters, you know, if you didn't have a good mesh personality wise, but it was a really kind of cool way to get to know someone, you know, really quickly, all aspects of them in like two or three days. I would say that's brave. That's being courageous right there. All right, Adam. Well, thanks so much for being on today's show. Everybody go read his book, look him up, work on your relational intelligence, and I hope you have really happy holidays and I'd love to talk to you at some other time. So sounds great. Thank you. Thanks very much. Okay. Bye-bye. Thanks for tuning in to today's episode. Come and hang out with me on Instagram at

Celeste Moore Image. Let me know your thoughts on today's episode because I always love hearing from you all. You can find all the links and resources in the show notes of the episode on my website, CelesteMoore.com. Okay, that's all for now. I'll see you in the next episode. See you next time, friends. Thank you.