Moore Style - The Power of Effective Communication with Coach Reg

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

Communication is one of the most important parts of any relationship which is why today we are exploring all things effective communication and emotional intelligence with Coach Reg of RUCoached!    As a relationship coach and author with a gift for helping others, Coach Reg fills us in on the importance of active listening and validating each other in conversation, aligning core values in relationships, and why we need to extend grace to one another as we are creating new habits.  This episode is packed full of powerful questions and reframes that can help improve the way you communicate in every area of life. If you’re looking for a conversation that will support you in building thriving relationships, tune in!  In this week’s episode, we discuss: [01:25] About Coach Reg [02:21] Coach Reg’s journey of becoming a coach [05:26] Validating each other in conversations [08:18] Using active listening while getting to know someone [14:04] Agreeing to disagree - respecting people's choices [19:06] Reframing your questions in a powerful way [26:03] Letting go in relationships [28:38] Emotional Intelligence in relationships [35:12] Inviting someone to share their feelings after a conversation  [39:42] Extending grace as we create new habits [41:35] Being open to acknowledging our blind spots [44:46] The difference between opinions and observations [46:53] About Coach Reg’s book “Love, Relationships, And, Sometimes, Just Letting Go” [51:53] The difference between therapy, counseling, and coaching [53:52] Being curious vs critical   Connect with Coach Reg: Linktree Website Book

Hi, everyone. I'm your host, Celeste Moore, and you are listening to the Down and Dirty podcast, aka the Double D's of dating. This is a podcast for navigating the ins and outs of modern midlife dating. Here, we will discuss the challenges that men and women face in today's dating world. Like many industries, this one is forever changing, and I believe this platform will help those who need or want it. Today, it is the best time to take control of your desired outcome, whether it is a marriage, significant other, life partner, or just to gain the confidence in dating once again. Every other week, we will dive in and talk about different viewpoints that seem to be challenges in today's dating arena. So let's get into today's episode.

Welcome everybody to another episode of the Down and Dirty podcast. As always, I'm your host Celeste Moore. And please don't forget to give the show a five-star rating and a glowing review so that the show is able to reach more people, which in turn helps more people. Before I dive into today's episode, I would love to introduce you to my guest today. His name is Reginald D. Smith, aka Coach Reg. He is a relationship expert, author, and speaker who is uniquely qualified to address matters of the heart. As the founder of Are You Coached?

Coach Reg, he works with clients by teaching them how to create new habits while working through relationship challenges using emotional intelligence. So Coach Reg's clients are primarily high-achieving professional men and women who desire quality connections that honor and support their core goals in both personal and professional relationships. Now, I would just want to say thank you so much for being here today, Coach Reg, if that's what you prefer to be called. That's perfect with fun, Celeste, and thank you so very much for having me. It is an absolute pleasure to be here with you and your audience today. Yes. Nice. Well, to start kind of getting into the why and the how of, you know, a little bit about more of your story and how your life led down the path to

coaching. Certainly. So, well, yeah, it's, I have been, I didn't know, right. That even though I've had some relationship challenges myself, I've experienced two divorces and, you know, I learned from those. And what I realized is that in my own life, we can have experiences, but rarely do we take time to learn from them. And so I took the time to learn through that, learn about them, learn about myself, the choices I made, why, you know, did the work to kind of uncover and discover thought processes and choices. And so that, although my relationships, my marriages were not successful or didn't succeed, I've always had an affinity and a heart for others because I want people to win in their relationships, no matter the type, be it a, again, romantic, not romantic

or, and even professional. And so people for years had shared with me that you have a gift, a way of hearing, way to share it, offering in your own words to demonstrate that you captured what they said, and then to give them something that they can use and kind of benefit from in their lives. And so I heard it, didn't do anything with it right away. And around 2016, I launched Are You coach to become a premier coaching platform for, again, as you said, achieving individuals who desire more significant, substantive, quality relationships that honor and support their core values. But more than that, more than that, I've also kind of honed in even more in using the components of emotional intelligence to help people build foundationally better relationships

and really to support those relationships that they care most about. Yeah, that's really amazing. I mean, you say there's a couple of points that I want to take from that. The first is, You said, and we can, it's not supposed to be a debate, but I just, you know, when you say you didn't have two successful marriages, in my opinion, you did because you really learned from those relationships, right? Yes. I know it wasn't successful in the sense that you're happily married, right? But when people define success, I think it's such a gray area, right? Because I think success is the fact that you learn something from that. You took, like you said, you learn and you like self-reflected self-awareness.

You started looking in maybe what you were doing in the relationship that wasn't working, you know, so on and so forth. Exactly. Exactly. And you're right. And I probably I guess I could say that better. Right. So although the marriages did not last, there was benefit and value because of lessons learned. Right. So, yeah, and you're right, because people view it differently and words are important that we use them in the success or failure. And I wouldn't say that it was a total failure because to your point, many lessons were learned. And as a result, it led me to what I do now. And now I'm able to help so many more people as a result of my own experiences. So, yeah, absolutely right. Success in that regard. Absolutely. Yeah. And I love that because you are an expert in this field. I really feel that there's certain things that you have to go through in your own personal life, right? Absolutely. To just really understand your client. And I know that from what your clients have said, that you just have this gift. Yes.

And I think that's just added to your gift that you can really connect with them. That's really special. I'm appreciative of it too, Celeste, because what I've also come to understand is that I listen differently. What I mean is like, it's like a third ear, so to speak. It's not just to what's said, but it's what isn't said. But more than that, how we, how people hear, because oftentimes we'll have conversations with people and they will nod as if they understand. And they'll say, yeah, I get it.

But we have, we don't take the next step to validate that what we said was actually heard because we don't ask the hearer or the listener to repeat in their own words what they heard us say. And so although they nod knowingly, the reality is we don't know for certain that they heard us. They heard the words, but it doesn't mean that it means the same to them. For example, let's take a word like consistency. Your definition of consistency and mine may be similar, but they may not be the same. Consistency to you may mean if you do something twice a week. Consistency to someone else may mean I did it seven days a week.

You both are using the same word, but how you view it and your interpretation of that word differs. And so although we hear the word, we think, oh, I get it. But do we really? And that's why that additional question. So please tell me what you heard in your own words, right? What you heard me say. That way I know you got it versus taking for granted.

And so something I talk about in my book, Love Relationships and Sometimes Just Letting ago, is like when your car breaks down, right? You know, people know about AAA. Call AAA. They'll go anywhere to get your car, right? Jump your car, pick you up, whatever. Toe it. Well, in relationships, I contend that we shouldn't call AAA. And what is AAA in relationships? Do not attack, do not accuse, do not assume. If you do any of those things, a person that hear it is automatically and more likely to move into a defensive posture where I have to defend, justify, or explain. Whereas if we learn to ask questions,

make it in lieu of making statements that sound like an attack, that feel like an accusation, that feel like an assumption, or is heard like an assumption, we can chart our way forward more successfully conversationally versus why did you do that? What were you thinking?

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that doesn't get too far in relationships. No, no, that's not so much. There's some trigger that gets like, you know, released at that moment, whether you want it to be there or not. Absolutely, absolutely. So true, so true. Yeah, well, I love that. And I really love the fact, because I just did an episode, a solo episode, and I really talk about the foundation of a healthy relationship. whatever relationship we're in you have to have these core okay loving relationships at this point love you know core values core beliefs and life goals and you say this and you explain how

important that is in in a successful relationship could you go on a little bit further what you what you think about those certainly certainly it it's it's really to say that in relationships right we talked about not just having the relationships but actually learning from our experiences so when we meet new people it's in meeting meeting someone or dating or getting to know in my opinion it's okay to ask questions not tell me what happened in your last relationship no that's not the question you want to ask in my you know i don't recommend it what i would ask someone to consider is when you're meeting someone new and getting to know them ask them what have they learned about their experiences in their relationship? What have they learned about

themselves? A couple of things you'll learn. You'll learn A, if they're open to sharing. You'll learn B, if they've actually learned from their experiences, kind of done the homework or done the work to kind of delve into the choices they made and why. And you'll also learn if there's something that they're sharing aligns with where you are. See, the thing is when we meet people, it's not to say that I am, oh, we're going to be together. No, I don't even know if I like you, sir. You don't know if you're like me, man. I mean, it's just because we may like how someone appears to us. We still don't know what their heart is like, their character is like, their thought process is like. And so these are all things that we would hope to be aligned on

to even determine if we should continue beyond this point of just getting to know, because it's okay to say, hey, listen, you know what? You said you liked to rob banks. Really not my thing. I think we should pass, right? Wish you all the best. But I think it's important to really just ask the questions and to allow what we hear to inform our response and or next question. That's so important because I get this asked all the time. What do you teach your clients on, you know, when you go on a first date or a second date

and you're getting to know someone, what are some of the things you should talk about? I was like, oh, wow, there's so many different questions you can ask. But I love how you pose the questions because it really is non-threatening. It's non-interview, right? It is allowing them to have the space to talk about themselves in a way that feels natural and good. Absolutely. And that's so important because you can feel, oh, there's a couple of women that I will not say names, but just people in my life that I know who go on. they're literally interviewing because they don't want to mess around they don't have enough time

and i said do you know why you're not getting to the second date because these men feel if feel attacked or they feel like oh my god like slow down lady you're too aggressive you need to just calm down come into the space of asking the right questions and breathe right because it's understandable see both parties in the date and the experience and let me just say this I love love right so I don't coach your choices I coach relationships so you love who you love right so no matter who you who's on the date if both people have some trepidation both people have like I'm not sure because there's so many unknowns so the idea is just to say hey you know what this person seemed to appeal to me I seem to appeal to them otherwise neither of us would be

so let's just look at this thing it's kind of disaggregated just a bit say okay let's look at the basics here. Okay. I'm here because I wanted to be. This person's here because they wanted to be. That's a good start. Let's have a conversation. What's your day, right? What did you do that was exciting today, right? Or what do you do that's exciting? What excites you in life, right? Do you love what you do or did you go to school like so many others and hate it and say, well, this is how I eat, so I got to keep doing it. You know, it's just questions and let the answer again and for your response or next question. It should not be scripted. If it sounds like an interrogation, people are going to shut down because they're like, you know what, if this is what this is

going to be, I don't think I want to participate. But if you talk to me and you ask me questions and you listen to my response and allow that again to inform your next question and or comment, the conversation can flow easily. It takes practice though. It takes practice. Yeah. And I think you said a couple things, right? You didn't say just ask questions, but make sure that you're actively listening. Because people might, like you said in the very beginning, nod their head and say yes, yes. And then, you know, that's not really what they heard or that's not really what's going on here. So listen to the person. And when you're actively listening and you can ask the next question, like you said, and it should be a flow, right? Absolutely. Much like we're doing right now. We're having a conversation and enjoying. So it's, you get to learn things, right. That you wouldn't have otherwise known and maybe share some things that are of interest to you. Right. You know, it may be a thing of, it may be asking questions around, are you a risk taker? You know, do you enjoy, are you adventurous? yourself you know there are people who enjoy bungee jumping i'm not one all right but the person she may be and i'm like that's good i will live vicariously that is not anything i'm going to ever do i mean but and it's okay and that's the other thing too that's the other point when we hear

things that someone shares that differs or doesn't align with us or what we desire they're not wrong they're not bad it's just different and we can risk we can disagree agree to disagree but we can also say hey you know what i respect what you're saying doesn't work for me but hey i'm excited for you we don't have to just because it doesn't agree with us or does it's not something that we would choose it doesn't make the person who chooses it like they're a leper something's wrong with them no they're just their choice is just different the key is we have a choice and this is where this is the bigger point we have the opportunity to respect the choice even if it's not what we would make respect that someone else gets to make it and they're not wrong for making it

that's all that's a really great point because i think so many people really live through kind of their ways their beliefs is is kind of the right way and and you hear this when people start to date or even new friendships and you know these are my beliefs so they're right well no everybody has their own beliefs and that's okay but it's like when you find that your beliefs are similar and you're you both are open to listening to other beliefs because look we're not always given every piece of information absolutely 100 so i think when you can come from that viewpoint and so much so many more opportunities like you said can happen or be just so much more can happen for you yes i think what's really good it's two points i want to make number one

let's look at core values if you think about relationships in your own life and anyone who's listening to this think about relationships that you value and that the person you're in relationship with you you guys have history you got years and you've been um and it's a real friendship it's a real relationship it's a real romantic relationship right likely one of the reasons that that is the case and you you've maintained a good relationship and a good friendship for so long is because your values are more aligned than they're not you think about persons that you don't agree with you don't get along with if you don't share much time with it can be professionally it can be personally it can be persons that you meet on a date and

there's some things that you learn that just are not aligned with you and it's okay just understand that that's an indicator. I'm not saying it's the reason. I'm not saying it's a 100% solution, but it's an indicator that if you're in a relationship with someone and it's continuing to flourish, it is likely because your values, your beliefs are more aligned than they're not. Now, here's why this is important in terms of agreement and getting and learning to and getting to know someone. Paying attention to what you're learning, meaning if we're conversing about whatsoever and you share with me, well, I had this challenge with X and it could have been professionally, it could have been personally, and I listened to how you handled that challenge.

I'm like, wow, that's pretty cool. Probably would have done something very similar. I'm thinking to myself, I may have done that very similarly, right? Now, that's exciting. Let me tell you why this should be exciting. Because what that says is, let's try to understand where we are aligned as best we can and talk about those things. Don't just listen in silence, like, not knowingly, but don't say, you know, I agree. And if I had a similar challenge, i would have probably done yeah that was that was pretty good or i hadn't thought of that whatever the the the statement is the point is this if you when we get that part established and we continue with that as an indicator of this if we should continue as we face whatsoever

we're more likely to be able to discuss it versus up in arms about my opinion your opinion my view, your view. It's like, let me ask you how you feel about this. And I'd like to share how I feel. See, man, this is going to go on Celeste because my brain is working. Let's do this. I want to hear it. So I developed a coaching model. It's called Decide, right? And the first D is for define and discuss whatever the thing is. C is for communicate. I is for introduce or initiate. D is for design, which is the centerpiece of the model, which buys you agreement and accountability. And E is for execute.

And in every phase of the model, you have to execute, right? So when you learn to decide, right, you can become more successful, learn how to identify, participate, and strengthen the relationships that matter most. Become more focused, purposeful, and evolved because you have been coached. So that's the are you coached breakdown. Like what is are you coached, right? focused purposefully evolving then you get into identifying participating and strengthening but how do you do that that sounds great but how do i do you learn to decide and once you learn to

decide using emotional intelligence it'll help you strengthen the relationships that matter most because you have been coached but here's the point i want to make to you or better yet introduce when we have conversations instead of continually having the same conversation over and over again and which leads to frustration because you're like, I thought we talked about this. Oh, we talked. I can't tell you how many of my clients say, oh, we talked about it. Oh, my God. Here we go.

What you can look forward to is another conversation and some more frustration. I promise you. But the way to mitigate frustration and to mitigate continued conversations is you first have to get by it. I used the example a few moments ago about saying to someone, we need to talk. Most people don't respond well to someone saying to them, we need to talk. But if you were to say something like, hey, listen, you know, I've been thinking about something and I'd like to get your thoughts on it and I'd like to share mine. Are you open to that? That's better.

You see? And so if you say that, now the person feels included and you've lessened the possibilities of feeling attacked, accused, or assumptions flowing out there, right? And so when you listen now, it's like, OK, let me understand what it is you want to share. Let me confirm that I understood what you wanted to share. And now let's see where we can find a place for us to agree. Because how you feel about what we share. Oh, yeah, I can do that. And it could be something as simple as taking the trash out on a consistent basis.

Or again, it goes back to values, right? Say you're a person who's very prompt, but you've met someone or in relationship with someone who that's not their strong suit. You know, they show up eventually, but when they get there, there's really no apology or acknowledgement of their tardiness, right? So the agreement says this, okay, or could be, if you're a person who is punctual and you're in relationship with someone or considering someone who isn't, but you like them as a person, but you realize, hey, they're flawed like me.

Mine may not have been revealed yet, but I have them. They haven't pointed them out. I'm not going to tell them. They got to figure it out on their own. But this one right here is something that bothers me and I need to say something. But how do I say it? hey, I have some thoughts about something I want to share with you and I'd like to get yours and I'd like to share mine. Oh yeah, what's going on? Hey, listen, you know how a couple of times we've

been out, it's been great. And I've noticed that you have been late each time and you didn't share that you will be late. You didn't text me. You kind of got here, which I appreciate, but I would also appreciate if you'd let me know. So if going forward, are you willing, this is the question are you willing to let me know when you're going to be late when you know you're going to be late not on the way when you anticipate that i could be late just let me know because it lets me it feels that way it'll feel like you respect me and my time and our time together are you willing to do that oh yeah i can do that well thanks because see you may be the first person to introduce accountability to this person this is why not to make assumptions because

of how we do things doesn't mean that everyone else does. So don't assume and don't tell them they're wrong for not doing what you think they should. Ask a question, give them an opportunity to respond and to also learn if what they are saying aligns with what you desire. And if it doesn't, if it does, great. And if it doesn't, that's the information you need to know. Why? Because the whole point of this exercise is to make an informed decision to continue or not. it's really well put and super important because when you like you said in that that the whole description of it you said the one key word is because you didn't feel respected right and at the end of the day that whole thing was based on the lack of a respect that that person

felt from the other person who was late. So can you, or is it possible in that conversation when you're talking to them and saying, you know, I have some things to share and I would love your feedback. Are you able to say at that point, you know, the reason why this is bothering me, I feel like that I'm not being respected when you show up late, or should you just say, you know, kind of like call them out on kind of what bothered you the the lateness great question great question no i think i think both can happen and i'll tell you why see because you're not just saying hey you were late you're not bringing attention to the action you're also explaining why and see this is the the reason the why is important celeste in my opinion is because i don't have to agree with

it but because it matters to you i will be mindful see this is something else that i think is one of the worst questions the worst questions you could ever ask but yet we all have done it i'll raise my hands both of them because i've learned better but it was one of the worst questions you could ever ask in my life and that is this how would you feel if i did that to you ever heard that one before oh yeah yeah i've done it myself of course and so here's a challenge with the questions less because it misplaces the focus see you want the attention to be on how you felt about it but when you ask a question how would you feel and how you that thing that you're asking about doesn't impact them they don't care they don't regard it as

highly as you they'd be like every no big deal sure that's what you're supposed to say so how do you fix it you don't say that number one and what you could say okay is listen do you care about me of course i care about you you're kidding me these are leading questions okay you care about me of course i do you you care about us yeah okay where you going with this ah just this last question last question do you care about what matters to me i do why would you ask me okay I kind of thought so. Please don't do that because that bothers me. That offends me. That hurts me. See, I want the attention to be where it needs to be. And that's on me, the person who was offended, not the offender. When you ask the offender how they feel about something,

they may not feel about it as you do. So we have to learn to ask better questions. This is the work I do with my clients. It's amazing. How we interact was successful. And we wonder how is it because it's about results it's not about i told him how i felt but what did it buy you if nothing changed yeah and that's so important because like you said earlier it's like you have the same questions your clients we had this conversation we had this conversation and it's like yeah i mean a little bit about me i've had this conversation with my 16 year old you know over and over i'm like did you hear me but apparently it's not registering with her because I'm not asking the right questions

or maybe I'm not phrasing it right. And I love that you work with every relationship, right? Because relationships are the key to happiness, to communicating, to validation, all the million other words out there. But yeah, that's the most important thing in life, our relationships. Yeah, they are.

We all need them. We all need each other, you know? And so how we connect. And so there's levels to it. So the title of my book is Love Relationships and Sometimes Just Letting Go. I understand the book was written around romantic relationships, but I want to kind of go to the title, The Letting Go, Sometimes Just Letting Go. It's okay to let go.

It doesn't mean you fail. It simply may mean that you chose you and you loved you more than the anguish that came with the relationship. sometimes relationships run their courses and it's okay it's that thing of i feel especially this is something i see with my clients as well particularly those who are high achievers they're used to achieving everything works i do 110 all the time in this relationship i'm going to make this thing work i don't care come hell or high water we are going to last well here's the problem with that you can't control outcomes in that

you can participate and you hope that the person you're participating with feels strongly as you and they want to work and do whatsoever to make it work but they may not or you may come to a point where you choose not it's okay the benefit is the honesty that you're willing to have with yourself to say you know what i've looked at this i've evaluated this and i realized that maybe it just appears and i'm not talking about theory and i feel this i'm giving you receipts because these are examples that we both participated in that we have struggled that's another point i just want to drop that one in there too when you share with your person regardless of the type of relationship seek to use examples

that they participated in and please don't use theory or i feel this i feel that your feelings are fine but that's not the time to introduce them introduce it in a fashion of something that they participated in that they can say yeah i remember what you were saying and see now because they participated in the experience it's real to them also and which you'll also learn if it isn't real that also shows you how much or little they care for you it's the nuance this is the eq part of it folks understand you get your eq right people most people hear about love languages oh i got my love language i know my i know the five that's wonderful that is wonderful it's it's so superfluous it's so superficial it's so surface if you out the way it's like economics right you

know you have macro economics you have micro economics right micro economics is emotional intelligence macroeconomics or macro and relationships is the love languages see and so micro emotional microeconomics is emotional intelligence and relation you know parallels relations and relationships and macroeconomics would be the love languages of relationships because if you get the eq right you want to know automatically you're going to probably be able to tell it be a person i know what your love language is without them having to tell you because the components of EQ, self-awareness, self-management, relationship management, and social awareness. The social awareness part is with how you learn about your person because

you're reading a room, you're observing and paying attention to how they make decisions, how they feel about things, how things impact them, how they affect them, things they get joy out of, right? You could probably tell them, I think I got an idea. Don't tell them, say, I think I know what do I win if I guess it there's ways to make it fun you know what I mean there's ways to make it fun so yeah I know I said a lot so I'll try to be quiet because it's so I I love it I know that you're passionate about it and I really enjoy learning from other mentors and coaches and experts because you know that's how we learn is by listening 100 so you know and And I know, you know, I've talked about EQ a little bit with a few other people, but not so intensely.

How do you coach your clients or how do you teach them on the principles of EQ? So how to build that so that they are maybe successful in their next relationship? Absolutely. First of all, it goes to the very first one, and that's self-awareness, right? Because that's really where it all begins. understanding that when if because here's the thing take an example like uh someone who says they struggle with temper they have a tent they're kind of hot-headed and they know this right and that's great that you know but just because you know it may not be something that

you understand or know how to yet manage because that's a restraint proposition that is a resistance proposition when this happens we have a choice this notion of this is just how i am is trashed if anybody tells you well this is just how i am and this is how i've been they have very low eq it's an indicator you don't want to accuse them okay right but it's an indicator of low eq someone who's open to listening to say okay and you could say to a person potentially hey listen can i ask you a question if there was something observed about you or something observed that you do um that could potentially be holding you back from what it is you want to accomplish would you want me to tell you who's gonna say no if they trust you and believe you have their

best interests they're gonna say of course but if they think that they know everything and they don't value your opinion and perspective, they'll be like, no, I'm good. So it's listening to what people tell us, not what we want to hear. That's the difference. And we all do it because all of us at some point have been blinded by our own ambition

because we feel like I've been so clear. I don't know how else to say this. What other words could I possibly use? How about these? What did you hear? Ask a question. See, it's not about how well you explain something. It's more about how well it was received, if at all.

So how do I coach people? I ask them to think. I encourage them to ask questions and resist making statements. When you see something that you don't understand, try not to say what you need to do or what you should do. Say, can I ask you a question? I noticed this. I'm not sure what I'm saying.

What made you choose that? and don't say it sarcastically or facetiously you say it with intention like i really earnestly want to understand because i care it's different what are you trying to say i'm not trying to say anything so when a person becomes defensive you now know you got it right because you know you didn't say anything to incite them you don't it's clearly they heard something different than you intended which is again the opportunity to ask the question what did you hear take your daughter you said I had this conversation with her and it's like all right she's still not doing what you asked her to do or expect her to do okay daughter what did you hear mommy say um

okay yeah that's not what I said yeah this is what I'm saying and this is what I need you to do not when you get around to it I need you to do it now right yeah and so when we validate what we what is heard, we mitigate our own frustration. And when we don't, it becomes self-imposed frustration because we had an opportunity that we didn't exercise. Yeah, that's such a great way because I think in every person's relationship, they've come to or have come in contact or in some way, whether it was a colleague, a relationship, a family member, where you just can't it's almost like they're so stubborn or they just are shut down right and I guess that would be the best explanation for people to understand but it really truly is the way that

they're receiving the information exactly exactly and we it's the first we're all human it's understandable when we feel something is so simple what are you missing and that's the question that you may have to ask what are you missing because I'm not sure what else how else to share this with you because my goal is for you to understand my goal is not to make you feel less than my goal is to have you feel valued viewed seen cared about all the things that matter you know so let's let me share this i want to share this with you as well and your audience this is it we all have experiences we're having an experience right now in this conversation, right? And when we're done, if we don't ask, hey, how did you feel

about that? How did you feel about that? We can very easily take for granted that we both had a good experience because we didn't talk about it. And we assume that we had a good experience when I could have very easily said something that bruised you, that damaged you, and you didn't say anything i'm unaware so i'm more likely to do it again you're more likely to feel the same way you did when i bruised you here's the problem that's when the resentment clock starts and you don't even know it because you're thinking about your feelings you know them i don't because you haven't shared them i can't fix what i don't know is broken you're harboring something against me i don't even know and i'm wondering why you're drifting and you're like because you did because

think about this in your relationship have you ever heard a man and a woman i'm sure you've heard this before a man and a woman have an experience could have happened three weeks ago the man he says oh we're good we're back together we're doing whatever the woman mentions it and says hey i i don't know why you said that what you said to me what you said to me he's like huh we still talking about this exactly you think here's where that comes from because yes they had the experience the man in that example may have moved on because he didn't say anything wrong with it but he didn't ask her how she felt about it so her question really isn't about the thing her question is you hurt my feelings and you didn't even ask me about it you took for granted and i was cool

because we continue but what you don't know is that that bruise is still there think about it I could hurt you I could I could I could brush you and and and bruise you like bump you right and I could say I'm sorry I mean I you know how you can walk and you look in the way and you turn around and bump someone it's not intentional and the person knows it's not intentional but it still hurts and just because you say i apologize doesn't make it stop hurting immediately it takes the time it takes to not hurt it but how about you acknowledge that you hurt me or did you that you asked me if you did hear me this is not just men to women this is women to men this is humans this is no matter the relationship we could do better asking questions how did you feel about

the experience did i bruise you did i hurt you unknowingly this is an opportunity to share we can create a safe space for us to have conversations if i view it if i value you in a relationship i want to create a safe space for you to share with me the things that hurt your heart and i want to be able to share the things that hurt mine with you because i want you to care for those things and i hope that you recognize that i want to care for the things that matter to you but if we're not willing to have that conversation if we're willing if we're not if we don't understand and this is my god dog this is a thing i believe earnestly people want to they simply don't know how and that's why what we do is so important in the space of relationships particularly

around emotional intelligence because it gives you the blueprint it teaches you you asked me a question earlier how do you get people how do you coach people this is how we use real examples that they're faced with and they say okay how did you handle it tell me what you did what made you choose that? Did you get the outcome that you hoped for? Would you like to learn? Would you like to hear of a way that may help you get a different outcome? Yes. Got you. I'm not going to tell you what to do. My goal is to prepare you so that you can think and remember to ask questions and experiences instead of attacking, accusing, or assuming because you're frustrated and create agreements in the process so that you both grow you both benefit and the relationship

continues to flourish yeah that was just really really well said and i truly truly believe in the processes and the tools that you've created because yes it gives them that blueprint that does they're able to walk away from a session with you or from multiple sessions and be like okay i got this because you did say earlier it takes practice 100 and there's grace that comes with that see because understand the way that we've been interacting we have habits around that it takes 21 days to build a new habit 21 consistent days not get to 19 i'm not going to do 20 and say i'm good at 21 no you got to start over right because the subconscious kind of works that way see that's where our dreams come from subconscious you know the conscious mind is always on when we

go to sleep, our subconscious mind goes to work. So those habits that we create, it takes time. And so just like we have runtime with bad habits, we also need runtime to develop new habits along with grace. If I care about you, I'm not going to be like, I just told you this. I thought you said. When you bring it back to the agreement, this is why the agreement is so forward celeste okay instead of reminding the person of the offense consider reminding them of the agreement because the agreement says buy it the agreement says i participated the agreement says yeah i did say i was going to do that yeah you did sir yeah you did man yeah you did or i did right and instead of saying why do i have to keep saying this to you hey babe what did we agree

to did we did we agree maybe i misunderstood but did we agree that we weren't going to do or that we would do right that's all it takes time it takes time yeah it takes time it takes patience it takes grace because we are all flawed and fallible and we're going to get it wrong yeah and if we really care about our person how could you not why would you not extend that grace that's beautifully said because i think we forget about that part i know i do when i'm frustrated I do. I am flawed. I am human. I am learning constantly, but I am wanting to better myself. I'm wanting to, you know, because how can I coach and how can I help other people if I'm not able to be coached? Right? 100% all of us coaches need coaches right and and because we have blind spots we have well intentions we have good intentions but we have blind spots things that we don't see we don't

realize how others are receiving us and we think we're good and when someone brings it to our attention hey you know how you said x y and z and you're like what's the problem with that well it's not so much as a problem i just don't know if what you intended is what was heard Well, why do you say that? Well, I'll give you a fun instance. I'll give you a fun instance. I got to, I got to, this is, this is, I don't know why this example just popped in, but, and I hate to use it. Let me just say, I hate to use it.

But I'm going to, because it's the only one I can think of to illustrate the point. So let's take, let's take a person who's dating, right? And, and that person who's dating, say they were once married and they have children, but they would rather not be in relationship with someone who does have children even though they have children they're just that they but whatever their reasons are they would rather not because they their feeling could be well yeah i get to know the person and i get to know their children the relationship doesn't work out here's another relationship that's collateral damage with young people right they may have it in their own life feels that way about their own children

and they're like i'd rather not do that so let me not even consider someone who has children for that reason not because kids are bad but now you understand that right that makes sense let's explain to that perfect sense but if you just say i don't want to date someone who has kids and you put a period you know why you don't want to date people that has kids but to the person who's hearing is like, how does that work? But when you explain it, now it's like, oh, and so again, the blind spot is thinking that you're clear when someone points out that you're not, although you intended to be. But when they explain to you the gap in your explanation, you're like, oh, I see what you're saying. Now I also understand the need to be clear,

to provide clarity and explanation because it can sound offensive. It could sound like, how do you not want to date someone who has what you have? That's how it could be heard. Very true. You see? And so that's why that additional explanation is valuable. Does that example make sense? Oh, it makes perfect sense. Yeah. And I understand it's the juicy bits within that statement right because it can be construed in so many different ways and that's the assumption part right but i mean how can you not make an assumption when it's not clarified so exactly

because you can only you you only have that sound bite you only have that information and see this is something else you got me going celeste i'm thinking about some stuff i love it so there is opinions and observations they both begin with o but they do not mean the same thing okay so my opinion and if you think about a soundbite right you think about clickbait you see this thing and you say wow and people have opinions about what they see and you can hear a portion of it and that portion is not the full context but that's all you heard and now your opinion is formed on what you heard. In my opinion, that's a little less than smart.

It's a little limiting, okay? Your opinion is not about your opinion being invalid. It's the fact that you don't have all the information to have an informed opinion. What is a hypothesis? You remember that from science class? I do. It's the, you know, I don't know the technical term.

No, it's an educated guess. Educated guess, there you go. which means there's information that you have to make said yes right i think this is why because of these reasons but if i see something that i don't understand and i have an opinion now we're teetering on ignorance because ignorance simply means unlearned it doesn't mean you're stupid it just means you're unlearned right and so my observation If I choose to delve a little deeper and understand more clearly, for me, my own edification, now my opinion is informed. Again, they both begin with I, but don't mean the same thing.

See what I did there? Come to me. No, but you're right. And I love that you use clickbait, right? Because that's just a piece of. And you're right. a lot of times we don't get the full picture, the full explanation. And that's why it is so important. Yeah. I love your analogies. I love your stories. I love your examples as you call

them. Yeah. I love them. And I think that helps explain better, right? You're a master at explaining and ways of asking the right questions. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yeah. In your book is tell me a little bit about, is it, do you have all the tools that you use with coaching or is it something, is it more about your life or is it a little bit of both? Great question. No, it's really not about my life. It comes through work that I've done with clients. It comes through the coaching model I've created. So the content, so what we did was, so let me, let me give you, let me share with you how this came to be. Okay. So during the pandemic, I had a weekly show for about a year called Sip and Chill with Coach Reg. And the sip was a play on shelter in place and chill with

Coach Reg, right? So we just did sip and chill. It was adult. It was, I'll say grown and sexy from the vantage point of we're going to talk about relationships. You can ask me questions. We're going to answer much like we're conversing now. So we did that for about a year. And at that time, I didn't know because each week I would prepare for the show, much like you do your podcast, you prepare, right? And for every episode. And so I would prepare. And my goal in having this because I had not done that before was to deliver content or offer content that would support people in their relationship journeys, whatever, wherever they were. And so in the course of doing so, people would say to me, man, you have some great content. You really should consider writing a

book. And I was like, yeah, I'm not, I wasn't in that space. But at the end of Sippin Show, when I chose to discontinue the show or to end the show, I then started looking at curating the content and said, man, maybe there is something here. And I learned that there was. And so we pulled about 11. I wanted to have 10 chapters. We pulled 11 show topics that we had done and converted them to transcript or to words or to, you know, from video to, to print, if you will. And that's how we got there. And because I was coaching around emotional intelligence, because I was teaching, you know, coaching people through the questions and like, maybe this is how you could get considered this. It's always a question coaches. One thing about coaching is

that. We don't provide answers. We ask you questions so you can come to your home because you have to live with it. It's not what I think about what you should. Well, tell me what you think about this. What do you think about it? And why do you think that? Because your thought could be a limiting belief because you don't have all the information. You may not have asked all the questions or asked enough questions to get more information so that you could make a more informed decision. So it just came from using those weekly topics that were baked, that had EQ baked in. Again, I created a coaching model. And so I wanted to have the content, have the model to help people understand how to work through the content. And then we did something

at the end of the chapter called the RU coached approach. So what we would do is we would give a story example, a scenario to illustrate what you just read in the preceding chapter. And then after that we had commonly asked questions about all of what you just read so it was a way to kind of reinforce what you're learning using examples that most people can relate to because you can see yourself in the text because it's not what i think it's like god did that well and i'm gonna tell you one of the biggest blessings and the gratitude and gratefulness for this work is when people call and reach out and say, you have no idea how often I reference them. I'm like, man, that is so odd because it's not about me. It's so easy because it's not about me. It's landing

the way I wanted to. I wanted to help people. That's why I got into the space. It's not about, oh, look at me. This is what I think. No, sir. No, ma'am. I want you to think. Not necessarily what I think. As long as you're thinking, you got a shot at winning. That's all. Okay. I'm sorry. I get a little passionate, and you'll probably see that too. That's amazing. This is the amazing part. Fashion. Absolutely.

Yeah. Absolutely love this work because I love to see people benefit from doing their own work to get to their better outcomes. Right? Yeah. And it's cool when people say, I didn't call AAA. I asked a question. I was like, look at you. I don't know.

That's awesome. And your references. Absolutely. So, yeah, it's great. It's great. I think it's the best. Yeah. It's the best when you see your client's success and the new ways of building these healthy relationships or for me, building confidence that something that they didn't have and now they just shining and like, you know, being amazing. And I just,

that's what we do. That's what we're here for. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Oh my gosh. Well, I'm so excited. I didn't get to read the whole book. So I really wanted you to kind of tell everybody how it came about and what it is to you? Because every book that everybody has written is very personal. It's a personal journey. Yes, yes, yes. And I gave them, so to be clear, when people read the book, they will see it. They will learn a little bit about me because I share a little bit about me and how I came to this space and why I do what I do. So there are parts and portions of it that are about me, but it is also intended to introduce people who are unfamiliar with coaching to coaching and how it as it pertains to relationships something else i

think is important to know celeste is that when in the mental health genre and i'm not going to cover all but i'll just use three that people tend to be familiar with because they kind of conflate and lump it all together okay and that's therapy counseling and coaching they are not the same therapy the way that i explain it to folks is real simple therapy helps you understand the genesis of who you are how you got there your triggers your trauma bonds whatever those things are that help shape you the way you are today and maybe how you work through the things that you're trying to figure out depending on the type of trauma that was introduced in your life counseling tends to think of still in the therapy realm can be therapist but it's more crisis think

about people in relationships oh we haven't go see somebody it's crisis because we feel like the end is near. So it's crisis. Coaching, not therapy, in a Genesis perspective or crisis perspective, coaching helps people move from where they are to where they say they want to be. So if you liken it to, in English terms, past, present, future. Crisis, present, coaching, future. Therapy, past. That make sense? Yeah, that's great. And I love that you used, you know coaching is getting unstuck and being able to move you know i just use that word because i think we get to so many places in our lives whether it's our career yes children i mean you know whatever it is these life things that happen to us it's so easy to get complacent and when

that's not working right if you're not growing you're dying and that's why it really is like oh no you're just complacent you're just in the same position yeah do you see it though do they see and the question becomes like what do you want see we can ask we can be curious that's another thing about you know coaching and and really we can be curious with people not not critical right but curious see if i'm curious i'm like hey what do you want what what's important to you and and why i would love to know see because if i know what it is and why i can support you because i care about you but if i don't ask you what is important to you what matters to you and seek to understand why then it's just another thing okay they said they like blue skies over rain okay

it's empty people feel valued when people ask questions because they get to respond versus being lectured to and told what i think you should do and you'll hear people to move themselves away from it say yeah you're right mm-hmm that makes sense mm-hmm you're right god man you're so right and they don't do anything after that but continue doing the same thing that they agreed they were doing i'm sorry i'm laughing because that's my daughter's but it's gotten so good she's like mom yep yep yep okay it's it's so i think i'm failing with the communication but i'm constantly learning but I'm sorry though I didn't mean to laugh at your honest you know no it's I don't say because because honestly here's the thing all of us in some capacity you know again no matter

the relationship have dealt with that because there's somebody who's telling us what they think they know that we need to do and we're like and because we don't know but what did I say a few moments ago it's not that we don't want to communicate we don't know how and so that person who's just listening like this not your daughter let me be clear but this person who was listening like yeah you're right yeah you're right they they're when you don't ask a question when you you you relinquish your power you give up your power in that moment because you're like wait a minute you're telling me what you think i should do and why i need to do it can you help me understand why you're saying this to me and why is it so important to you i want to understand

that because what will happen is with that personal here's like oh wow because I just want this for you okay I get that you want it for me and I appreciate that you want it for me but here's the deal you can't control the outcome it's my choice I appreciate your care I absolutely do I thank you that I'm grateful that you love me but here's the reality if I'm going to do the thing that you're saying even if I agree with the thing that you're saying it still has to be when I'm ready to, if at all. And I'm asking you to respect that versus talking to me as if I can't think for myself. I can't process information for myself. I don't know how to think critically. That's another problem too, Celeste. So many people do not know how to think critically. It's like, what is

critical thinking? It's like a flow chart. If this happens, then I'll do this. If this happens, then I'll do that. It is not a 100% proposition or solution. It is a way to get into something and say, let me think this through. I have to count the cost. I have to see if it's basically a cost-benefit analysis. When I do this, at the end of this thing, what am I left with? And if what I'm left with doesn't serve me, guess what we're not doing? That thing. But if at the end of this thing, the outcome serves me, that's the path I'm on. You don't know that at the beginning at hello. You don't know that until you get in it. The key is with critical thinking is once you get in the flow of it, how do you show up? Do you shrink or do you lean in? And they are

not the same. So powerful. Really, really is to hear. And you explain it in such a way that I think everyone here can really understand. And like you said, a lot of us have been in these positions, right? At some point in our life. I don't think you said one thing that someone can understand today. So thank you for that. And I'm sure everybody else is like going, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I, I hear you, you know, cause some people just, I've met people in my life, which super successful people that are not self-aware, they don't feel like they have to be mindful or they don't have that's that's not me okay it's hard to be inhuman but i understand maybe you don't know how instead of saying that's not me right didn't you say that earlier absolutely

absolutely and that's so important because objectivity is not criticism it's a point of view that you can't have because you're subjective the person who says that's not me that's a narrow view because the person who's saying i noticed something that they're coming from their perspective is objective they're speaking to what they notice not necessarily what she did or intended see that's the thing we've heard this before we speak to the act not the actor we don't tear down the actor we tear down the act we speak to the act that disappointed us and if you keep it there and if the person's like well you said i did this are you calling me this it's like i was talking with someone once before they said it was a mother-daughter over

years they've had a lot of damage and I'll be quick I'm sorry this is the last last okay that they had a challenge and and the comment was you think I'm me no one said you were me but because of the things that you're saying to me your interpretation of what you're hearing is the word me you think I'm me no I'm giving you examples of things that have transpired your takeaway is me but that's not what I said and we can remind people of what was said versus speaking to what they're hearing then that conversation will continue to go sideways because both people are just speaking to things that someone is saying and not necessarily what happened so there's this this there's so much here celeste and obviously we can't unpack it in an hour but

yeah right right yeah yeah sorry well i think you uh know i appreciate that and i really agree with you so you guys all have to go get his book buy his book or check him out i'm gonna ask you one last question. And this is, I ask all my guests, what was one of your favorite dates and what was it? Oh, wow. Favorite date. I've been so busy. I've been so busy. Okay. Wow. Favorite date, favorite date. Oh, you know what? I would say my favorite date. it off god celeste can i get a rain check i'm sorry i threw you off didn't i man may i please have a rain check sure yes we will i will get back to you on that one and everybody hold him to this absolutely you've been a pleasure where can anybody find out more

about you or purchase your book absolutely in fact if i could celeste i will share with you I will share with you my Linktree. Okay. And that has all of my contact, how you can book a discovery call. You can see our coaching offers. You can see where to get the book. You can see some things we've done in media. You can learn a little bit about Coach Raj.

Yeah. And how would you prefer I share my Linktree with you? Don't worry. I've got all your information. I just wanted everybody to hear like Instagram website just really quick so they can Google you. And it's all there. If you Google, are you coached? You'll see it.

But if you go to Linktree, Linktree, are you coached? You got me. Perfect. All right. amazing. Don't forget to go get his book because honestly, I want to read all these stories. So but you've been so great. And I know everybody here has learned so much. I know I have. And I hope you have a wonderful day. Thanks. I wish the same for you. Thank you.