Morbid - Episode 364: Terrifying Home Invasions- Listener Tale Edition

Episode Date: September 14, 2022

Listener Tales is themed this week and the theme is…. You guessed it! Home Invasions!! What, did the title give it away? You guys shared some gnarly tales about the home invasions you���ve experienced, we’ve got old men staring at you while you sleep, the ex of your nightmares showing up at your house in the middle of the night and so many more! Enjoy, and if you have a listener tale please send it to [e-mail] with Listener Tale somewhere in the subject line :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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You're weird, Oath. I'm Ash. And I'm Alaina. And this is morbid. I think that Ash was trying to sound vaguely like I sounded a few days ago. No, I was inspired by the Natalie. I can't do it or I'll start coughing forever. I will never stop. I'll start coughing forever. I will never stop. I'll start coughing into oblivion.

Yeah, I will cough myself into like another dimension. Like into that, into like a black hole with the sound. Oh, God. Maybe that's what it is. Like people just cough themselves into a land that we think is a black hole and really the sounds that we're listening to that you're not even supposed to be

fucking listening to. Let me tell you, that's a cursed footage. Are just people wheezing? I think it could be. I really think, just sick people wheezing all together. Oh, oh, oh. I think that's what happened. That actually hurts.

Hold on. Well, I'm almost back to normal voice. I'm getting there. I wish you had said normal, because I was going to be like, girl, never. Never been normal. Never have, never will voice. I'm getting there. I wish you had said normal because I was gonna be like, girl, never. Never have been normal. Never have never will be. Totally fine with it. But no, I think my voice is almost there. Now, it's reached that sultry point,

and then it's gonna dip back off when we come normal again, and Sean's gonna go, aw. I know I'm just kidding. I'm totally kidding. Oh, girl. No, he actually said last night I missed your voice. Like, he was like. I know I'm just kidding. I'm totally kidding. Oh, girl. No, he actually said last night I missed your voice. Like, he was like, I don't know. That is so cute.

I don't know this woman anymore. I'd like you back. True. What the fuck? You've never said that to me. And I was like, I'm trying. This is why I'm downing T. Like, it's going out of style.

Yeah, let's get that Lisa Kudra voice back and let's better than ever. I still think that's the funniest, weirdest thing to come out of this podcast. I think the funniest, weirdest thing to come out of this podcast is when somebody told me I wasn't using my real voice. That's pretty funny. That was my favorite.

I just never in my, and I don't just, at the time that we started this like 32 years of life, had I ever been told that my voice sounds like Lisa Kudra. No. And then as soon as I started this podcast, we got message after message. And I'm like, I still feel like I could see it, I guess,

if like I had a lot of wax in my ear and the head cold. Okay. But other than that, sorry, I was playing with something. I don't really see it. Yeah, I don't know. You probably didn't even hear that, because these mics are good. They block out the background, do I say?

You just blow up your own spot. I mean, what the fuck else is new? Your own fidgety little spot. It's called adhata. Adhata. Adhata is what it, that's the medical term for it. Sorry, ma'am, you are experiencing symptoms of... Oh, duh.

Yeah, you know we all are. Yeah, we're all there. Okay. Yeah, I think we're doing a listener tale episode, but this is a very special one. This is a themed one. Themes. This is home invasions.

Home invasions. Dwelling invasions. Nobody's ever said it in such a sultry tone before. Like, 911, what's your emergency? I'm experiencing a HOME INVASIONS. It's very Mario-Rose. It is. I love it.

I think they've just broken into our home. I think we've just busted everyone's ear drums with that. Look at that wave. Look at that. Is it a wave or a laugh? What do you think? Well, that's a wave.

Oh. But a file could be either, I think, gonna write that with exactly. But also in other news, we got, we went to the PO box today to Po Box, the Po Box. And we got some like very beautiful things. Yeah, we just have some very thoughtful things. We're gonna share to the Instagram so that these businesses can get the recognition that they deserve. I mean, they should already are, but just blow them up even further.

And just like, you guys like really like, you're just like, you're the shit. You guys are kind. My God, you made a little cry. Yeah, honestly, one of the things made me tear up. No joke. No joke. Straight up.

And what's even better, or I guess what's even nicer about this, is I saw some really foul things that somebody said about me recently. And like, really foul. Like, you're gonna catch these motherfucking hands. Yeah, like, really foul, like, you know, like, really foul. And it was like kind of a bummer. And then this, we went to the PO box and it was like, I was like, oh, fuck that person. Like I was like, fuck that.

Like these are the real ones right here. They are. And like you guys are fucking amazing and I just wanted to let you know that literally you changed my complete mood. You really did everything. You literally... I witnessed the change. It was like a load that was on your shoulders.

That just completely lifted. Yeah, so I just want to thank you guys for being so rad and being awesome. You guys, I know I think you too because I'm always in a good mood, but you make my... I'm actually not always in a good mood because I'm a second lion, I have to. I'm so sad. I was like, wow. I'm like, I'm in a good mood, but you make my, I'm actually not always in a good mood. I'm a second lion, a half, I don't even know what I'm saying. I was like, wow, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm always in a good mood, so. I was like, I'd call you out, but I'm just gonna sit here.

You know that I'll always call myself, and it just came out of my mouth, I don't know, but I was in a good mood today, but that maybe in an even gooder mood. Even gooder, as one of my kids would say. And yeah, you guys are awesome. And we just wanted to let you know that you change our moods. Constantly.

Even when I'm always in a good mood. Even though Ash is literally never in a foul mood ever. Perpetual bitch. She's always happy, no matter what, you make it better. But you guys just, you're so thoughtful. You're the bee's me's. And I just like wanna just hug every one of you even though I fucking hate hugs.

So like- She doesn't even love us. I know I say that all the time, but like, I'm serious. I just wanted to thank you guys. You guys are fucking awesome. No, and some of you, the candles that you craft. Oh my gosh, just the shit you guys make. Yeah, like the bracelet.

I want you to make, I want you to be millionaires. Like you make the coolest shit. Like, I love it. And we're gonna put it all on blast so that hopefully you get customers that you didn't even know about. Yeah. Because your shit is awesome

because they're super talented. You really are. And just like so thoughtful. Yeah, it's just really nice. So I just wanted is awesome you guys are super talented. You really are. I'm just like so thoughtful Yeah, it's just really nice. So I just wanted to tell you guys Thank you and you guys fucking rock. Yay every single one of you you rock my socks off and with that With what I know Would you like me to pause so you can break down? Alright, we're back.

She's back. She's good. Guzzled some water. I'm good. Would you like me to read the first one while you recoup? I'm sure. Okay. Let me get it up here.

They like, I don't have a friend of me. That's what he said. Uh, listener tales, the time that I shared a beer with a home invader. I'm going to say hello, L. Here is a put-a- I shared a beer with a home invader. Amazing. LOL. Here is a put a foot of a pretty good home invader story. Hope you like it. My daughter will flip if this gets red.

Stay weird ladies and give yourself some breaks every now and then listeners can deal. And how do you guys know? That's from Chris and she says, say it. And I know that I can say she because she gave me her pronouns. Thank you for doing so. Thank you for that. You guys really are the tits. She's like, I saw it. We say it every time we read the list in our tales,

it's like you guys just know when we need a little boost. Yeah. Or when we just need like a, hey, you're doing great. Like you know, like you just sort of like, you guys just know. Everybody deserves that every now and again.

It's really nice. I do. You guys are doing great. You guys are doing great. No, you're gonna do great things, who are you? All right, hey ladies, I'm Chris, she heard. You can use my name. The time has come. Oh, every time I say, sorry, I'm already interrupting your whole tale.

It's just who I am as a person. No, but I had to pause because Elena coughed again. So sorry for the comeback, but I'm sorry. Sorry. No, every time I say, the time has come. It reminds me of Harry at the spa. Yeah, I think it's like, actually Alice in Wonderland. Yeah, I think it is.

Anyways, the time has come to talk of many things. To me, nope, for me, to sit my middle-aged saggy-ass cheeks down and write you my listening to tell you. But before I begin the obligatory, you guys are fucking awesome, rant. Bad asses isn't a strong enough word to describe you. Oh my god, jeez. What you have done to turn this thing you both love into an international success, oh man, I'm getting all goofy.

While being philanthropic is amazing. I'm a sucker for strong, powerful woman doing the right thing in the world. And you ladies are fucking great example. Oh my god. Chef's kiss. Mwah. Oh my god. Chef's kiss. Oh my god, this shut up, Chris. Oh, Chris.

Alina's girls are so lucky to grow up with you two as role models. Oh my god. While I'm at it, enjoy those babies while you can. Pretty soon, I know, they're growing up. They will be all grown up and too old to run and jump into your arms

at the bus stop after school hugs and kisses crying now one second. Chris! No, whenever the girls come home from school, they immediately run to Alaina, and then they immediately run to me, and I can't handle when that's over. Oh my God, it'll...

I can't even put my brain there. No, I can't even think about it. Now goodbye. That's so sweet though Chris. Thank you. Thank you for all the love. And I feel like you're a philanthropic, badass, international woman. Hell yeah.

Woman of mystery. Ooh. Okay, let's start the tale. My daughter and I discovered you last year and your podcast has brought us closer together in the past. Yes. We talk about you all the time. We buy your recommended books and read them together and we bond in a way I didn't think

we could after she became too cool for me a couple years ago. Oh, thank us for what we pre-ordered. That's right, babe. A little bit called the butcher in the ring. Available at goashchininger.com slash the butcher in the ring. Or you can take one of the nine copies that I ordered to my home. That is amazing. I love that.

Thank you so much. You've been my team just recently dedicated a weekend to you guys and traveled up to the hopefully its Jerome Arizona for a ghost hunting tour and a spooky night of graveyard walks. We spent the entire road trip trying to figure out the diet love past case. Oh hell yeah. Side note. A highly recommended car game for you and your team. We were doing physics and using equations to calculate blast distance, super fun. Yes. Oh yeah. I'm a nerdy PhD biomechanical engineer and did forensic biomechanics for six years. And another side note, when you ladies have had

to explain the biomechanics you do an awesome job, and I've totally used pig skin to solve the case. Oh, and that was the sidetrack of all sidetracks. So, so deserved and so appreciated. See, we knew that you were a bad ass woman, and then you just said, hello, I'm a badass woman. Hello, I'm just a PhD biomechanical engineer. And I play fucking physics games in the car.

Well, you said that I could play that game. I was like, Chris, I love you so much. I can't play that game. With that being said, I'm an engineer and I can't spell or punctuate. I feel like you're doing a great job so far. And you know what, you don't need to. Yeah, you don't need to.

So bear or bear or bear with me. Just take one deep breath and read. I won't take too deep of a breath or I'll start coughing again. Please don't. Please don't. It's annoying everybody. Okay, the tail or the tail, I don't give a fuck. I love you.

I literally love you. And the way home from our morbid weekend, my daughter asked if I had anything I could submit as a listener tale. I laughed and I said no. And then we started listening to a tale about a home intruder. And I remember one time I woke up to someone who I didn't know watching me sleep in my own apartment. Yeah, that was creepy.

So here's that story. You're one of my favorite people that's ever existed. I just want you to know the stress. Oh man, you are because the way you started this next year. Oh my God. Way back in the way you started this next year. Oh, my God. Way back in the day of the Razor flip phone. Oh, yeah. I had a knockoff Razor.

I think it was like a, I think it was literally a track phone. It's like a phaser. It's actually probably is. Probably was. I was yelling naive, broke, and a brawless 19 year old hippie chick with the keys to my first apartment in Richmond, Virginia. Oh, yeah. I don't know why I said Virginia like that. Virginia.

Virginia. Let's explain Richmond. Richmond was the murder capital of Virginia for years. It was not safe. It was very segregated and unfortunately still very racist. A lot of work has gone into getting this city into the 21st century, and it's looking up. A huge help to the BLM movement.

Love to hear it. That's awesome. All right. Back to my first department. Remember your first department, the freedom you finally wanted? Well, with freedom comes great responsibility. And my irresponsible 19 year old perky ass.

Learned that lesson quickly. I wish my ass was still as perky. Same. I don't think I've ever had a perky ass to be honest. Or the other thing. First off, someone should warn a girl against living with three other girls. Yeah, they definitely should.

Two of which had very serious boyfriends who pretty much lived with us and had very loud sex all the time. I don't understand that. That's a disorder. Loud sex. We've said that before, like, it's weird. If you do that intentionally,

that's a disorder. Well, you live near people, like, so they will hear you, what's going on? Call a doctor. That's a disorder. Well, you live near people, like, so they will hear you. Like, what's going on? Call a doctor. Something's happening there. Book a therapy session. Yeah, because something strange is a foot.

You don't need to do that. It's so real weird. Loud sex has got to be on the top list of my pet peeves. Yeah. Yeah, same. I would rather hear fingers in a chalkboard, same. I hate, hate, hate gross noises. Hi, Favillena.

And this was just the worst. It's like a mouth noise times a thousand. Whoa, it really is, yeah. Anyways, while they were doing the hanky, panky, I would always sit on the sofa and the living room on a portable DVD player on my headphones until I fell asleep. So I hardly ever slept in my bedroom.

Stage set. My roommates kind of sucked and had loud sex. I don't sleep in my room. We were irresponsible, we were were young and we were dumb. This sounds like so much fun. It also just sounds like so many, like, 19-year-old experiences. The house was a super old town home in the heart of the city.

The front door was the original 100-year-old door and in order to lock it from the inside, you needed a skeleton key. Wow. So at night, when you were locking up, you just couldn't go lock the door. You needed to find a key in the house and lock it from the inside. That's hilarious. Honestly. That's like pretty safe It is pretty safe except when you need to go out I suppose

Like if there's like a fire. Yeah, I feel like you just always have to have a new pocket. Yep And in a house of four women two men and endless parties the key was rarely found So one night after a party had died down and everybody went into their rooms to have sex Because I really lived with two of the most horny women in the world. I went to grab my DVD, play her headphones, packed myself a sandwich, himium reference because I didn't tell my mother. Oh, that's like a nin moment, isn't it?

How I met your mother reference because I didn't tell my kids this part. And hopped in season two of Gilmore Girls. Oh, hell yeah. Baby Rory. Before Rory was a bitch. Yeah, I love it. Without thinking twice about the front door, I slowly drift off to Dreamland on the sofa. Thank you, Bloss Sandwich, for the f- for the fuzziest dope dreams.

I love a good sandwich. This is amazing. 4 AM rolls around and for some reason I wake up. I don't remember hearing a distinct noise. I just know that I slowly opened my eyes and directly in front of me was a wrinkled face of an older man that I'd never seen. Hunched over looking into my eyes

with his hands in his pocket. That is probably one of the last things I would want to see upon opening my eyes. One might argue the last thing. Yeah. What in the actual fuck? Now, you have brought up the subject before on your show. What would you do if you woke up to somebody watching you sleep?

And I'm here to tell you, I did not a single thing I thought I would have done in that scenario. I feel like that is across the board. Weirdly, somebody actually recently told Elena that it's very similar to this and said the exact same thing. And they said they never knew what they would do, obviously. No. They always thought like, oh, I would do this.

And then when it happened to them, they froze. So it's like, you never do what you think you're going to do. I also just feel like it's not even up to you in that moment. Like it's your body. Your fight or flight. You know, fight flight or freeze. That's it. OK.

So man looking into my eyes, I ninja roll onto the floor, stand my little 4'11'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1'1 Like he's like, yes, actually. She says, what the fuck am I gonna help him find? The man, hand still in his pockets, just looked at me, confused as fuck by this little girl in front of him. Took a step back and studded, saying, I'm picking up, sorry, I think I'm in the wrong house. Oh yeah. Okay, let me show you out.

He looked at a beer on the table. I offered it to him. He took one hand out of his pocket, grabbed the beer and walked out. What the fuck? Did I just avoid death by being hospitable to a murder? Sure did. Sure did. Oh, two a murder. What was in his pocket? What was he doing in my house? I ran back upstairs, found the stupid key, locked the door, ate another sandwich, or four. And curled up in the fetal position, watching Gilmore Girls until one of my roommates woke up.

Wow. I must explain who I am as a person. I feel like we already know, Chris. Oh, you're a person that I love and cherish. Truly, you are. I, uh, let me do a, uh, am I right? No. I don't know. I must explain who I am as a person in order for you to fully understand that behavior.

I'm a peacemaker, same. A people pleaser, same. Wow. And a feather on roughler. I think I made that one up. I think we have a lot in common. You do. Other than the whole physics and PhD thing. I have one goal in life to be a person who brings joy to others no matter what. I love you. I get that that can be taken too far. Like in

this example, when the person you are trying to please is a home intruder, but that's what I live for. Just to know that I maybe made somebody's day a little better by coming into contact with my smile or gesture. That's why I wave at people. It's true, Ash waves at everybody. I love waving at people. I think about this guy a lot actually. I think about my response and why I was that way. I'm a believer in everyone, everyone, even if you cross me.

My subconscious woke up and went, he needs help, not he's gonna kill me. Wow. What if he was just a homeless with dementia? That's what I was wondering. What if he just needed a meal? What if he hadn't come into my home and went to somebody else's who could have killed him?

Maybe he was meant to come upon me that morning. Maybe I even, or excuse me, maybe I showed him kindness and he needed that. Maybe I changed his life. Or maybe he went away and murdered my neighbor. Those, anyway. Anyway, PSA, lock your fucking door and don't eat too many sandwiches. Peace, love, and happiness, my weirdos.

Really cool. Wow. Two additional PSAs that I can't resist the opportunity to shout out if given a platform. Absolutely. One, foster kiddos. My husband and I have fostered and adopted from the U.S. foster system for several years now. I just wanted to let people know that foster parents are always needed. If you ever listen to Elena and Ash talk about these poor kiddos with severe childhood

trauma and you think to yourself, I want to help, you can. Please contact your local foster agencies. You don't even have to commit to fostering. There are so many options and ways to help. Favorite agency? Arizona Friends of Foster Care. And Chris was so nice to give us a link that we will definitely include in the show notes. And number two, foster dogos.

I'm also a doggo foster mom and the same goes for them. Foster parents are always needed. It's hard to give them back, but boy oh boy, do they melt your heart while you provide them a safe space to grow and learn? Ash, we even named one of our foster parents. Oh my God, I love that. Alina yours is coming, this one just had an ash vibe. I'm literally obsessed. Oh my God, I love that. Alaina yours is coming. This one just had an ash vibe. I literally obsessed. Oh my god

I love it and Chris also gave us um I Did you just see me doing that? Chris gave us a link. I have a separate mouse to like the desktop and then my laptop has its own mouse And I was just trying to use my laptop mouse, but I was using the raw one and I was getting really confused Pictures me and my DFFs at 19, I'm very scary, right? Me and my family this year, me and my daughter on our morbid weekend, we've got a love you guys. Your black lab is ash because I don't know if you know this,

but that's my favorite dog. Okay, wait, you were adorable. Your family is beautiful. Your daughter has gorgeous hair, both of them. I literally love you guys and that dog is beautiful because his name is Ash or her name is Ash. I'm obsessed with all of you. I love. You're all lovely. Alina, do you really think you're going to be able to read a tailor? Do you want me to just read a... I'm going to give it a try. Okay. I'll give it a try. All right. Capricorn's never give up. I have that thing. You know that thing,

guys. You know that thing. You know that thing. Exactly, there you go. Bring some Lauren Hill in here. But no, I have that thing where it forces air out of your throat, you know when you're at the end of the day during a cold, and it's like, you have, like your body has no autonomy against this cough coming out. It's just like, it's coming.

That's what keeps happening. I totally get that. But you know, time. All right, well, try to read a listener tale. Let's see, which one should I read? The time I was almost kidnapped in Fuck Town, Indiana. Let's go. Okay, let's go for that one.

Yeah. All right, it says, let's see. It's your old. Oh no. That's the most embarrassing thing. What just happened? I'm upset. I was gonna say you have some entertainment. I was gonna say you were holding your palms, and I'm holding in burps, but then as I went to say it, I kind of swallowed my burp, it really hurt.

All right, I've taken the selfie calm down and what I was saying is I was, I thought Elena was holding it off, but at the same time, I was holding in a burp, but then when I went to say that, the burp kind of like lodged itself further down into my chest and it really hurt. We're having a lot of situations happening all at once.

It's also 8.46 pm, so we've had like a full day of recordings. Recordings? That's why my voice is just done-skied. That's why the cough keeps coming, but we're gonna work through this. off keeps coming, but we're going to work through this. What makes a person a murderer? Are they born to kill? Or are they made to kill? I'm Candice DeLong, and on my podcast, Killer Psychie Daily, which you can find exclusively on Amazon Music, I share a quick 10-minute rundown every weekday on the motivations and

behaviors of the criminal masterminds you read about in the news. I have decades of experience as a psychiatric nurse, FBI agent, and a criminal profiler. On Killer Psychie Daily, I'll give you my expert perspective on cases like the mysterious New York City drugings. Breaking down Lori Valow, a.k.a. Mommy Doom stays motives and what drove Caitlin Armstrong to murder? I'll also bring on expert guests who add even more insight into these criminal minds. I promise you won't regret adding these 10 minutes to your morning routine.

Hey, Prime members, listen to the Amazon Music exclusive podcast Killer Psychie Daily in the Amazon Music app. Download the app today. Killer Psychie Daily in the Amazon Music app. Download the app today. What if you were trafficked into a cult over shot nine times or fell in love with a vampire or went into a minor surgery and woke up one week later, paralyzed? What would you do? I'm Whit Missildine, the creator of this is actually happening, a podcast from Wondry that brings you extraordinary true stories of life-changing events, told by the people who lived them. From a young man that dooms his entire future with one choice, to a woman who survived

a notorious serial killer, you'll hear their first-person account of how they overcame remarkable circumstances. Each episode is an exploration of the human spirit and personal discovery. These haunting accounts sound like Hollywood movies, but I assure you this is actually happening. Follow this is actually happening wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Add Free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app.

I'm wondering what you're going to do. So, this one is called the time I almost was kidnapped in FUKTOWN, Indiana. Yay! This is hello to my favorite people on planet Earth. I've attached a PDF for your creepy reading pleasures. Hope you guys will read this because I would love nothing more than to get to rub it into my husband's face and tell him how lame he is and how cool I am. Do you do it?

Do you? Yeah. Let's see. Hello, my name is Jordan. Yes, use my name, please. Okay, Jordan. And yes, I'm in love with y'all, but if I start talking about my undying love for you, this won't ever turn into a listener tale.

But I must first say first, Elena, I cried ugly tears when you lost Bailey. And Ash, I cannot wait to hear all about your wedding. Oh, thanks. Thank you for that. So anyways, let me set the scene. OK. 14-year-old Jordan living her best life is forced to go to Bumble-Fuck Indiana for a week

during the summer to visit my grandparents. Yes, I loved them so much, but I was not thrilled to be in Tiny Town, USA, with nothing to do but go to church or McDonald's or stare at my annoying little brother. Oh, McDonald's. With boredom setting in on day three of nothingness, my brother and I decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood and just do a annoying teenager shit.

Okay. Act like we were so cool on skateboard and pretending to do tricks like we were Tony Hawk. Ah. I was terrible and my brother at least had balance. So in my grandparents' neighborhood there were these shit creepy alleys backing up to everybody's home. We were running around the alley behind her street and decided it was time to go back to her million-year-old house and watch a movie before bed.

We were sleeping on couches downstairs since my parents were in one room and my grandparents were in the other. Around 2 a.m. I got that weird feeling that someone was watching me. The couch I was sleeping on was in front of the sitting room facing the porch and main street, and my brother in the back sitting room by the kitchen and back door leading into the alley. I decided to lay down on my cinder block of a fucking couch and try to sleep. Almost immediately after getting comfy, I hear footsteps behind me.

No, thank you. Coming from the room my brother was in right next to me. I assumed my brother had woken up and was just trying to scare me. I was facing into the back of the couch so I couldn't see behind me. They got louder and closer, so I yelled, go the fuck to sleep, Zach, leave me alone.

The fuck? Leave me alone. The fuck? There it is. The footsteps stopped. Thinking my teenage older brother superiority made him go back to bed. I was trying to get comfy again. Then the steps got louder and closer again. I was so annoyed I threw the blanket off me, spun around

and stood up. Who was there? Not my fucking brother. There was a man standing about three inches from my face wearing all black, a ski mask, and gloves. Nope. I couldn't even make a noise. I remember studying him for a second and trying to figure out what the fuck was I gonna do if he touched me. I had never shit my pants so hard in my life. As I started to open my mouth to try and scream, he ran away. Jumping over the

coffee table and through the room my brother was in and through the back to the alley. What the fuck? What the fuck? Now 14-year-old Jordan was already 5'9 and about 150 pounds. Same sister. And this little shit stain was maybe 5'6 and 120 pounds soaking wet. I guess he realized I wasn't going gonna be some easy target to take back to his Indiana dungeon. This little fucker had the audacity to think he could take me,

but didn't realize how tall I was, and I guess that scared him. Good. I ran upstairs, leaving my brother, because fuck him. That dude wanted me obviously, since he passed right by my sleeping brother and came straight to me. I banged on my parent's door and my grandparents came out after hearing the commotion.

After catching my breath, I was finally able to tell them what happened. And my dad and grandfather both grabbed a shotgun and went running into the alley while my mom called the police and my grandfather got my brother from downstairs. Side note, my brother slept through this whole ordeal. That has some serious ash energy. It does. But you know what? I see kids like siblings.

Mm-hmm. We'll sleep through that shit because it's not their problem. Yeah, your doctor told me that. My doctor told us that I at least went there six, but you guys were older, so I don't think that excuse stands. I don't know. If it's not your responsibility, is that a younger brother? No, younger than the older brother.

Oh, older brother? Yeah. Okay, well, yeah. So excuse me, doesn't stand. He's just a heavy sleeper. You know, the police got there and told us the gate to the alley was open, but the back door didn't look like it was tampered with. And my grandmother said, oh, well, we don't lock the doors. Bitch, what?

That was what she wrote, not me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bitch, what? God rest her soul. But what in the actual Indiana fuck is wrong with her? We didn't think to lock the door. You didn't think to lock the doors with your grandchildren in the house? My parents didn't think to check. I was almost on a fucking milk carton and my grandma acted like it was no big deal. She's like, of course he came in. Of course there's no tail. Of course.

The police stayed outside all night and talked long with my brother, and I asked if anybody talked to us that day, then it dawned on me. A weird 20-something kept trying to talk to me when we were going to McDonald's, and he definitely watched us go into my grandmother's house. Ooh. The police told my mom, not in a rude or creepy way, they thought this guy was probably enamored by me since I was blonde, tall, young, and was already rocking double-deed titties. I'm scurrying.

I am rewaking. Scurrying. They assume the same thing I did that because I was so much taller than him. He bitched out like the pussy he was and ran first. That's fucking iconic. Why are you guys so great? I love you guys. Needless to say, I didn't sleep that night,

and we left at 7 a.m. the next morning, and I was terrified that homey was gonna follow us back to Georgia and try to get me again. I don't blame you. That would have traumatized me. Of course it would have. Ever since then, I've been overly aware of my surroundings and lived by the motto, fuck around and find out.

That's a Linus motto. That is my motto. Thanks for reading my one experience in Indiana and while I'll never go back. I have tons of weird ghost stories too. If you want to hear them, let me know. We want to hear them. We want them.

I love you guys and keep this shit weird. Now take it away, Ash. Not so good. Whoa, bye. But that's the way that you go to Indiana and you decide to try to visit your grandparents and you're like, oh, yay, McDonald's, that'll be fun.

And then you run into this creepy guy and maybe he likes you because you're your double deities and you're just like, oh, my God, that'll be fun. And then you run into this creepy guy and maybe he likes you because you're your double deities. And you're just like, oh my god, that's a lot. Oh my gosh, on the knee breaks into your house because grandma doesn't lock her doors because she doesn't care that we're gonna be sleeping on the couch and we're gonna die. God rest her soul, but what the rest?

Her soul. That's amazing, Jordan. That was a lot. And terrifying. And I love the terrifying. My next one, are you jelly? I'm next one. Are you jelly? I'm very jelly. Are you jelly fish?

It's listener tails. BASTINADESTION! BASTIN! And it says, Hello! If you guys are actually reading this, we are. Thank you! Attached as a double space putt of a for your reading pleasure, please enjoy.

Let me pull this. Oh. Listener tails, the time that I woke up to a man watching me sleep and ended up on the front page of the Boston Herald. Wow, that's a loaded caption. Like that's a loaded caption on this picture that's not here. Hold on, I zoomed in too much, I'm literally so long to do it. I can't. I can't. Hello, my two-finger weirdos. Thank you for being you and allowing all of us listeners into your lives. I started listening to you guys when you were on the episode of the Coffee Convose podcast and I've been hooked ever since. That was, um, uh, Kale and Lindsay's

podcast. That was so much fun. That was fun. They're two fun gals. Listening to you guys makes it feel like I'm hanging out with my besties and I am so excited every time a new episode is released. Thank you! We didn't plan lot. We didn't. We do that so often. It's like really embarrassing. A lot. I don't even want to be like you. I don't want to be like you. I just want to be mean to you. I don't want to be like that's a song. I don't want to be like, yeah, that is a song. What is that song? I don't know. I don't want to be like, yeah, I was gonna keep doing it over there.

I don't want to know just getting somebody is sitting there being like, it's fucking this. I'm gonna be like, please, please, please, please tweet at me. My name is Emily. Feel free to use it as many times as you want during this story. Okay, Emily. Emily. Emily wrote, as we see, as we will see at the end, the Boston Harold ran not one, but two articles about this incident. So there's no point in trying to hide my identity, which is Emily. Emily. Oh, no, my goodness. Trigger warning for attempted rape. Oh, to my knowledge, nobody in the situation was raped, but it was clear that that was the intent. That's horrific. That's horrific, and I'm so happy that nobody was.

I'm going to include links to both articles as well as the horrendous picture they used as the front page. You're welcome for the laugh in the advance. We would never laugh at you, Emily. Now, for a little backstory, and to set the scene, it was June of 2010. I was going to pharmacy school in Boston. That's bad ass. Seriously. I shared an apartment with five other classmates. I'd note when we signed the lease

The landlord told us that only four people could be on it since more than four unrelated people living together is considered a brothel and illegal. Oh my god No idea how true that is, but thought it was fun to share. That is true. I had friends that that happened to. That's amazing So technically we had a brothel when we lived in Quincy. Oh yeah. But does that count if it's like dudes? I don't know. Or is it like sexist? I don't know.

It's probably sexist. I hope not. I hope it was considered a brothel. That would be like a hop and brothel. Well, there was no scale. Did you just hear me? I said you had a hop and brothel. A hop and brothel.

There was a lot of you. There was two gals. Yeah hop and brawl. There was a lot of you. There was two gals. Yeah. Yeah. So that's a lot of peeps. Yeah. That was a big ol' brawp. It was a real big brawp.

Brawp. So we lived in a classic Boston brownstone on Wigglesworth Street. I didn't even know that fucking existed. You know, the kind with the fire escapes on the back. Those god always make me so nervous, though, because intruders. But the brown stones are beautiful.

Absolutely. Like goals. Yeah. We had the upper two floors and the bottom two floors were our neighbors. Now, because it was summer, all five of my other roommates had gone back to their homes. I decided to stay and work in Boston

and had my then boyfriend, a.k.a. current ex-husband. Wow. Wow. Living with me at the time, I'm sorry, Emily. This.a. current ex-husband. Wow. Wow. Living with me at the time, I'm sorry Emily. This is probably the only time that I could say I was truly grateful for him. Anyways.

That was a sick burn. That was a sick burn. I loved it. Fuck you, Emily's ex. We were getting ready to go to bed for the night. We had a room on the bottom floor, meaning that there was an entire upper floor that was not being used.

We had turned all up, we had turned off all the lights and I was starting to fall asleep when I thought I heard a noise. You did. You definitely did. You heard one. I didn't think much of it at the time because a lot was Boston and I'm living around a bunch of other college kids. That's true. A few minutes later, right as I was falling asleep, something told me to open my eyes. And that is when I saw a guy about my age just standing there and watching me so. I hate this so much. I can't handle this. Naturally, I screamed like I have never screamed before. See, we have like three totally different reactions already. I know this is happening. That is crazy.

The intruder must have assumed that I was home alone because girl, he was surprised with my then boyfriend got up and started chasing him out. While he's chasing the intruder down the stairs, I'm frantically calling 911. When they get to the end of the stairs, then boyfriend starts punching the intruder in the base. At some point, the intruder is able to open the front door and run. As he's running out, the downstairs neighbors come to see what's happening and they get a better look at the intruder than I did. It turns out that this guy was not working alone.

And it was not the first house on the first street that they had attempted to break into that night. That's so fucked. I hate this. They tried breaking into at least two other apartments before mine, both of which were college aged females. Oh. Home alone.

Both of these guys were drunk or high on something. One of them was the look out while the other guy was the one who actually broke out. Oh my god. That's so fucked. And that's the thing I was going to say. She said, they must have been watching, they must have both been watching my apartment from the back and waiting for me to turn all my lights off. Oh. The fact, like the thought of like just the casual act of you turning your lights off But the fucking nefarious scary ass mother fuckers outside watching you You hate it like I hate it though. It's like the butcher in the rent. It's the fucking dueling store There you go. I hate it nice bug. I liked it. Elena gave me her illness right there. Sorry. I was down with the sickness

No After they thought I was asleep the intruder climbed the fire escape of the back of the building. The noise I thought I heard. He was trying to open the window in the bedroom that I knew that he knew I was in. It was locked, thank you. So he made his way up to the top floor where one of my roommates who had left for the summer

left her bedroom windows unlocked. Oh my God. The way I would have slept that, but no, I'm just kidding. I was, at least I'll do it. I'll do it. It was do it. I'll do it. It was obvious that he was not there to rob us as nothing in the apartment was taken or even touched. He was there to rape me.

Oh my God. Just like he had tried and failed to rape the two women before me. Wow. So sorry that you had, like, have to have that thought in your mind. Oh, that even got a good effect. That could have happened.

Because that's such a violation even that. Yeah, it's a violation of your safety and your privacy and everything. He did not realize that there of your safety and your privacy and everything. He did not realize that there was anybody else in the apartment with me. At the time, I didn't realize that was the motive, but looking back, it's so obvious. Because they had attempted to break into other appointments,

apartments before mine, the police were already close by. First, they caught the lookout guy in the backyard. While the police had him in custody, his phone rang. My God. It was the intruder calling him, fuck this guy. The lookout guy hands his phone to the police officer. Oh my God. The officer asked him where he was to which he replied

that he was on the roof of the stop and shop nearby. He then added, oh, that was fucked what we did. And it hung up. Because these idiots were inebriated, the police were able to apprehend them very quickly. Wow. That's so crazy. I was in such a state of panic that when the officers asked me

to come outside and identify the suspects, it didn't even occur to me that I was still in my pajamas, wearing a tank top with no bra. Oh my god. They should have thought to say something to you, like, hey, you want to grab a sweatshirt? You want to grab a sweatshirt, girlfriend? That's why we need a lady there sometimes.

So here I am outside with a million people and several guys lined up with headlight shining on them, trying to figure out which guy wanted to ring me. Oh my god. All while barely wearing any clothes. That's horrific. Myself, my then boyfriend and our downstairs neighbors were all able to pick out the intruder right away.

Both guys were charged with breaking and entering that night with an attempt to commit a felony. I was asked to be in court, but I could not imagine having to look at this guy again, so I decided not to attend. I don't blame you at all. No. I wrote my victim impact statement, which was read during the hearing. At the end of the hearing, they were ordered, get ready to be in range.

Oh, no. To apologize to the both of us, perform 25 hours of community service each, and take part in a substance abuse program that was at least a year long. That's it. You read that correctly. All they got was this slap on the wrist. What? I'm convinced this is because they both came from very prominent and wealthy families who could not bear the thought of having this on their son's record. Fuck that. How about not bearing the thought that your son might be a rapist? Yeah. And like standing on the thought of having this on their son's record. Fuck that. How about not bearing the thought that your son might be a rapist?

Yeah. And like standing on the side of the girl and making sure that the right charges are brought against him. That's fucking hot. In 25 hours of community service a day. And like a year of a program or a year. Why? And to apologize, you think I want anything

to do with these partners? Ever to speak to me? Like I cease and desist that. Now we get to the part about the Boston Herald. A few weeks go by and I'm trying to get back to life as normally as I can. This is not an easy thing to do. Because if I thought I was an anxious person before this,

you best believe that was nothing compared to how anxious I'd become. One day I'm in the shower and the doorbell rings. There's no reason for our doorbell to ring ever. Then boyfriend goes down to open the door and tells me it's a reporter from the Boston Herald who wants to interview us. I'm thinking to myself, what the fuck?

I'm naked in the shower. They want an interview right now. No warning, nothing. So I get out and I get dressed as quickly as I can. I'm not thinking about what I'm putting on because they wouldn't think about taking my picture, right? What? They take our picture. I'm wearing on because they wouldn't think about taking my picture, right? Right. What?

They take our picture. I'm wearing an old T-shirt and shorts and I'm pretty sure I didn't even brush my hair. Oh my God. This picture was on the front page of the herald. I've attached the articles to the email and as you can imagine, I was mortified when I saw this picture. By the way, a quick Google search says that I can buy that photo for $500 from Getty Images.

I would pay that much just for them to delete it. Oh my God, I would do that. I swear if we could get them to delete it for you, we would. Literally. So this is the story of how my ex has been potentially saved my life after we woke up to a man watching me sleep and then ended up featured on the front page of the heralds. And this is my PSA2 Always. Lock your doors and windows and to always keep your curtains and blinds shut and to never let natural light in because you never know who may be out there

watching you through your windows for shares. For dead people, am I right? Thank you for reading this and I hope you keep it weird, but not so weird that, take it away Ash, which is me. Not so weird that you didn't even keep it at that weird. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't keep it so weird that you break in a fucking people's houses because I will punch you

and so we'll have a little ex boyfriend husband, sorry. Oh, so you know what? You look great in that picture, Emily. Oh shit, I didn't even look, hold on. Let me see. Oh, but I can tell that you're like, are you fucking kidding me? Your face is literally screaming,

are you fucking kidding me? That's iconic. That's so funny. Wow. Oh, I forgot that you were coughing. I'm like, what are you sick or something? I can't, I put a cough drop in my mouth for that one so that I wouldn't have that many coughs.

Oh, seemed to help a little bit. It did. That was my suggestion. It was. It was an ash suggestion. TM. TM. So Emily, I'm glad that you're okay. I know. You look great.

You have great extra honey too. You do have to brush it. Yeah. Just let it go. In fact, you shouldn't brush it after you get out of the shower. There you go. Hair stylist right there. Yeah.

So this next one is entitled, I saved dust with a dinosaur encyclopedia. So there we go. Alrighty. And this comes to us from Tessiah McFrontbomb. It truly does. It does, it always has, and it always will. And I see what you did there with my name Tessiah front, McFrontbomb.

I see that you added an extra S in the parenthesis so it could be S. H, S, H, S, H, S. When I was little, my little brother couldn't pronounce, as, as, as, as, when I was little, my little brother couldn't pronounce, well, yeah, I was little too. My little brother couldn't pronounce my name, so he would just call me Asli. I love that.

And it stuck for a while, and it makes me angry. And we still, we still say, as, nah, no, no, we never say that. We never say that, because this work environment is so incredibly toxic. It is, so I call you an asshole all the time. You asshole. I never do, you sunshine.

Oh! You are. So it says,. I never do. You sunshine. Oh! You are. So it says, Call me a little sunshine. Little sunshine. Is that what it is? Yeah. Call me a little sunshine.

Yeah. Why are you so confused by that? I don't know. I'm so confused. You're like, you're just, you like just phased out into space for a minute. You were like, call me a little sunshine. It was, I had a vision.

It was because everything okay. So, uh-uh. Wow. Okay I had a vision, because everything okay. So, ah ah, wow. Okay, so, so here's my submission for a listener tale. And it's about the time I goddamn smashed a creepy stalker bicycle man's fingers. Sorry for the length. Don't be.

You never have to be Mr. McFront mom. I've grown up in America, but when I was young my family and I would return to Thailand during my summer breaks from school. However, I would attend school while I was young, my family and I would return to Thailand during my summer breaks from school. However, I would attend school while I was in Thailand, so like, I never got a break from school. Fuck that.

This is aggressive liation, but it's cool. My family and I are from a very small rural village in a small province in Necon, so on. I'm so sorry if I said that wrong, I know I did. Just about two or so hours away from Bangkok. Everyone knows everyone and knows everything about everyone. I'm somewhat of a freak over there because I wear lighter colored contacts, I have very long hair and a fairly light skin since I'm from Washington and I get sunlight for like three days a year.

It's mostly the long hair that is striking because school aged girls have to have their hair cut into a bob because I don't know constitutional monarchy and lice Your hilarious you sound also super cool. You do I was around 12 or 13 around this time and my then best friend joined me in Thailand for our summer break She also drew a lot of attention because she was tallest balls for our age and white, blonde, and has rosacea, so super pink cheeks like a doll. Aw, well cutie. We were a shocking duo for my sheltered village. It was like we were human zoos anytime we left the house, no exaggeration. My family and I live on a sort of compound in the entrance of a village. Our land has my uncle's house, which doubles as a mechanic shop, as well as a restaurant

run by my aunt. Oh cool! Our house, which is just a house, and my grandparents tree bungalow. That sounds amazing. That sounds like a movie. There's a small bamboo forest in my backyard as well, and the gate is locked late at night, depending on when my uncle finishes his cars. One morning, I came outside for breakfast and noticed a man that I had never met before, chatting with my dad, as he was unsuccessfully trying to start a dirt bike. Again, we all know each other in the village, so like, whom star you, sir, and why are you in my yard? He was sooo...berskinny, and his skin looked like a brown pleather couch.

And first, I thought he was missing a lot of teeth until I noticed that a number of them were just actually completely dark brown. Oh, he was older than my dad, probably around mid-50s, and I noticed that he was speaking to my dad in a way that a peasant would speak to a king. Think your majesty, your lordship type of vibes. Very odd. All right, he's like roleplaying. It is customary in Thai culture that elders be greeted, no matter how many brown teeth they have. I stopped to greet him. That's like a wonderful part of your culture.

No matter what. Yeah, I stopped to greet him before heading off to breakfast and my dad introduced him briefly. I assumed that he was my uncle's customer and was waiting for his car. He greeted me back and started asking my dad weird things, like, is my hair real? How beautiful I am. Am I staying long? How did I learn Thai, etc? My dad, I literally am. You know, it just happened. My dad answered him and continued

on about his dirt pike, so I said goodbye and left. Shortly after I walked away, creepy bicycle man, as we will now call him, hopped onto a rickety old, old, rusted red bicycle and headed out of our yard. I remembered watching him leave and thinking, got damn, someone get that man some WD40, because the horrendous creaking and squeaking coming from that bike made me want to propel myself into the sun like a gassy jetback. The days went on like this, and I began noticing CBM almost everywhere. Could be bike man. If my friend and I were going to grab lunch somewhere, he'd be there.

Sometimes he would be, he would help my great aunt out at the Erkseudnys. Sometimes we would help my great aunt out at the local preschool, and often when I came outside, I could hear that godforsaken bicycle either leaving or coming. He did not have a child at the preschool, I could hear that God forsaken bicycle either leaving or coming. He did not have a child at the preschool I learned nor did he have a child attending the school that I did, which I spotted him around on numerous occasions just bumming around. What the fuck? I'm really stressed out for you.

I do not like it. Again, small village. I figured I was just noticing him more now because I'd seen him. He started speaking to me more and asking, always just small talk about how my day was going, when I was leaving for the him. He started speaking to me more and asking, always just small talk about how my day was going, when I was leaving for the States. He started showing up even more, and eventually got to the point where when I woke up for school like early as fuck, like our rooster crowing the second the sun's ass crack showed up early, he would be out on the streets riding on his bike or was already in our yard. What the hell?

Apparently he was finding odd jobs around our houses to do, helping my grandpa with gardening, helping with dishes, helping with mechanics, et cetera. Which is like great, but like, why are you being creepy about it? What the fuck is he up to? I finally asked my mom just who the hell he was because I started to get a bit weirded out. Turns out I had never met him before

because he had just gotten out of rehab. But his mom was a friend of my grandma's. Actually, side note, my grandma is a badass motherfucker who is tatted and raises fighting cocks, which I wholeheartedly do not support. It bruised and sells her own moonshine, and this guy's mom was a moonshine, buddy, I guess. I have a question. What? What is moonshine? It's like intense, like like very like distilled fucking.

I know that. Yeah. Like what is it just like alcohol? It's moonshine. It's its own brand. I think it's just his own thing. I have always thought that moonshine was like some kind of wild ass vodka.

Which like maybe it is. I know. No, to be honest, I don't really know. I just know it's like moonshine. Yeah, I know it's like wild. I think actually Caleb likes or like has tried moonshine. Caleb let us know. Caleb right in.

Caleb right in. So anyhow, everyone was trying to give him a cell, so your grandma sounds fucking hilarious. She truly does, I love that she's tattered. Anyhow, everyone was trying to give him a second chance at life now that he was off whatever he was on and couldn't get a job anywhere. My friend and I told my mom that he had been showing up everywhere, but my parents chocked

it up to, well yeah, you two are so interesting to the people around here. He's probably harmless and curious. Again, sounds conceded and ridiculous, but there were times where we would go into town to grocery shop and people would ask to take pictures with us for no other reason than to tell people that they saw someone who looks like we do. My mom said that people used to ask to take pictures of me in Hawaii because they called me a Howley, which means white girl. Oh really?

Oh, that's funny. I didn't know that. Things are very different now. Lots of development and tourism, but at the time this was just what we dealt with. Fast forward to a week or so more of this. One night, my friend and I were sitting in my bedroom just hanging out. She was on her Game Boy playing Harvest Moon, Friends of Mineral Town, because we some agricultural and harmonious ass bitches.

I'm obsessed with you. Were you playing Harvest Moon Aquarian? That's amazing. And I was studying a dinosaur in Cyclopedia. Canvas. Yes, we heard a very strange sound. It was a sort of sliding or shuffling noise and then a thunk.

Sliding, shuffling, then thunk. Sliding, then thunk. We both stopped moving and listened. I turned and looked at the window where the noises were coming from and realized that the sliding was from two pleather, couch, skinny fucking skeleton fingers popping up, pushing my window open ever so

slightly and the thunk was the person falling back down I'm leaving I gotta go the houses there are raised even if it's single level due to the crazy floods we have so this window is technically the first floor but it's about 10 feet off the ground or whatever I don't know I-11, the shit is high up, okay? I'm not an architect. I love you. This dude was fucking jumping up to my window over and over and over. My friend fucking abandons me and just runs right out of my bedroom. I walk over with my dinosaur encyclopedia, which I attached a pick-up now, because I couldn't, how could I not keep it just based on the subject matter alone? No truth. No lies detected. And the next time his fingers popped up, I slammed it down on them.

Good. Hell yeah. That's what you do. I heard him yelp and fall back down in sure shit when I looked out the window. His gangliaths was running away. I ran out of my room and ran into my grandpa. And when I told him, he ran right out the front door and his underwear, which was a utility, with a utility belt and shotgun.

I need pictures. I'm obsessed with your family and you. I love all of you. The dude was already on his loud-ass bicycle from scratchy scratchy hell and rolling out of our yard, but my grandpa shot at him, missed, and then threw a small axe as well. Just for good measure. It says, I love him, rest in peace, but I love that he truly thought

he could just tomahawk this bitch from the front door. Listen, Grandpa's can do anything. Elements are out. For the win. The next day, my family went to his poor mother's house to confront them about what happened, and he had left the village. He packed up and left the night before leaving his mom

just heartbroken and confused. But he probably knew that intense bodily harm was imminent, just based on my family's reputation. He knew that axe was gonna get him one way or the other. Yeah, don't fuck with your family. That's a whole different story, but like, we live on a compound. Just think Godfather thoughts.

Mm. You know what? I'll just mention it. My father, my grandpa, has shot gun blasted some dude out of our bungalow that was creeping up in the middle of the night when I was around four years old, and the neighbors were remember that sort of thing. Of course they will. I'm so... Can we just like hang out? Like you're just fucking hilarious. It doesn't do anything. Holy shit. It gives me Caleb vibes. You really do give me Caleb vibes. Well, you really do give me Caleb vibes. Anyway, years later, I spotted him once in the city.

He made eye contact with me and disappeared into the crowd. Oh no. But I didn't chase him or anything. What would I even say? What up smashy fingers? You back again? I don't know. Thanks for reading my bullshit.

Anyways, YouTube brightened up my days. You just brightened up our day. You brightened the shit out of this day. I am so happy that the little morbids are all okay and I will always and forever keep it weird. But not so weird that you keep an old ass bike that squeaks louder than the hat, fuck, I can't read it cause it's all one day.

But not so weird that you keep an old ass bike that squeaks louder than the Hashtling and Slasher and try to like, glib, climb to children's windows like just buy a new fucking bike, fuck you, say, off of whatever you were on. PS also attached as a photo of my dog Azula in a cool hat because I don't know.

I just wanna share with you. I feel like that's all right. Also, the dinosaur on Psychopedia. Wait, you've neglected to mention how, of course, you said how cute your dog is, but you did not say that your dog was wearing a hat that says big foot is real, and he tried to eat my ass because you didn't share that part.

Also, we have this blanket. We literally have this blanket. We literally do. We are supposed to be best friends. I know it. You are Caleb on another plane. Like I just feel wild. Wow.

That is great. All right, so next up we have Mr. Jim, the cray cray Appalachian cryptid. Wow, I'm in. Hello, resubmitting as a putt of foot. Sorry, I didn't do that before. Thank you. Don't be sorry. You wrote thank you.

I wasn't being like, yeah, thanks, asshole. I love you. I love you. I love you. like, yeah, thanks, asshole. Um, I love you. Hello, lady. I love you. I love you. My name is Kristen. Hi, Kristen. Hello.

I'm a new listener as of March of 2022 and I fell in love from the very first episode I heard which was the O-Seth witch trial. Oh man, that was a good one to start with. That'll do it. You had me hooked, literally lollying in the car on the way to work. Now has to get fucked, bitch. Is now something I say allowed to know on at least five times a day. I love that.

Yeah, a lot of you were like really pissed off that I did not name my cat, Titi. Oh. He's like, he's like kind of gray, but like not completely. I'm gonna be honest, I did not know that people were mad about that. I'm now mad about that. I've joined the ranks of the angered masses. I couldn't have Franklin Loxon titty. You could.

I could. You should. But I have Franklin Loxon, Remi. It's true. It's you. Remi titty similar. It's no titty, but it'll work. It's no titty.

He doesn't have any titties, because it's true. So, yeah. And I spent the last few months binge listening to all the episodes. With the most recent Listener Tales episode, I figured it was time to send you my spooky story. I've submitted this before, however, I was dumb, and I didn't realize that you would prefer

a double space puttiful, and I should let you know that you can use my name. I have changed the names of everybody else in the stories so that you can use both of those, too. I had a cart where it said both of them. They just said we could add those. You just added it. Upon realizing the error of my ways, I have corrected them and resubmitted. And away we go. You did not have to do that by the way. That was really nice of you. But you're phenomenal. Love you, Kristen. It was 2008. I was 14, theme of this story,

theme of the listener tales. Yes. And I was asked to babysit my three younger cousins, age four, eight, and one, and an extremely rural mountain, mountainous part of Pennsylvania. My aunt and uncle had a wedding to go to over an hour away and wouldn't be back until very late. Their house was situated on a steep mountain side. Their back deck had a 15-foot drop onto a rocky hill below, leading down into a river. Ooh, love it.

Beautiful, but dangerous. Dangerous. Their closest neighbors were about a half a mile away. The closest main road was a mile away, and at night, there were no lights to be seen anywhere around them. Basically, it was in the middle of nowhere, and you would have to know where you were going to get there.

No one just accidentally wound up there. My aunt and uncle left us with some pizza and their cell phone number next to their landline. I was only 14 and a poor bitch didn't even have a cell phone. Even if we did, I wouldn't get reception there anyway. And then they headed out. The baby was already asleep. The four-year-old wasn't feeling well and was quietly watching TV in the living room as he slept on and off. And the eight-year-old was playing a tar hero with me up on the loft. Amazing. That's like taking me back to my babysitting days. I sign of the times. Amazing. That's like taking me back to my babysitting days. I sign of the times.

Truly. The loft over, oh, that made me miss the Harry Styles concert so badly. I just had like an actual sign of the times, this is the way you just looked at me bewildered. Absolutely bewildered. That's me. You never heard like, just stop your crying, it's a sign of the thing. Oh yeah, yeah, I have. Can't get it. I'm not saying. La la la la. This description of the story. Oh yeah, yeah, I have. Can't get it. La-la-la-la. This description of the driveway is an important detail to the story I promise. The road that led to their house ran straight

into their forked driveway. It was a dead end road. The house was as far as you could possibly go. Go to the left driveway. There's a large open car port, and that's where my aunt and uncle and anyone who ever visited parked. The right driveway led down a very short but very steep hill to a large level

doubt area and ended against the garage door that opened to the basement of the house. It was never used as a garage but served as my uncle's men cave and where he spent most of his time. Right beside the garage door a normal door with a window so you could see right in. But this driveway was exclusively used by the kids as a play area because it was the only flat, quote unquote, yard-like area on the property, and being on a mountain side, there isn't much room to safely play otherwise. No cars ever drove down there, ever. There were too many toys and bikes in the way, and friends and family knew this.

It was about 10pm pitch black outside, no moon to illuminate the area either. I really didn't know that I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one.

I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one.

I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. I was going to be able to get a new one. that absolutely blind you. Oh, that's terrifying. Immediately I got a vision of Emmett's fucking Jeep from Twilight. I love that that's where you went. I immediately thought of House of Wax.

Oh, the truck that pulls up. There you go. That explains us as humans perfectly. Yeah, it does. Not only that, the truck was going down the right driveway, the kids' play area. This was not my aunt and uncle. This was not anyone they knew.

Oh, I hate this. Panic and dread filled my body and mine too. I was a small teenage girl alone in an isolated house on a mountain at night with three children in my care. Oh, no. In a terrified voice, I asked my cousin, who is that? Jake? Do you know whose truck that is? And he looked panicked. No, I've never seen that truck before. Oh my god, I can't even imagine being 14 and having this beat my experience. I quickly ushered him downstairs, still unsure what to do, but the two little ones were sleeping down there and I wanted to make sure that they were safe. Look at you, you 14 year old. Good for you, man. Go, go, go. I checked on the baby in my aunt Nuckel's bedroom and he was totally fine.

I turned my attention to the four-year-old and told more like shouted at him and a scared, squawking bird. Oh my god. To go upstairs and lock himself into the bathroom. I don't know why that was the direction I gave him. I was just panicking and that seemed like the safest place. And I think you did the right thing. I think so. He just sleepily got off the couch and did us he was told zero fucks given, even even though I probably looked and sounded very panicked. He was just so sick and sleepy. He just listened to me. I grabbed the phone to call 911

and then I started to hear the metal, oh my God, I'm like, actually, panicking too. This is horror movie shit. It is. I started to hear the metal garage door being shaken violently. No. More panic fills me. I hear them try the door beside it,

the metal door knob jiggling. No one was actually knocking. It's not like they were checking to see if my uncle was down there. Plus, they could clearly see the basement was dark and would know that nobody was down there. They were definitely breaking it. What the fuck? The door leading to the basement steps was right next to the phone, so I could clearly hear all of this ruckus going on. I quickly turned the little lock on the door knob, just in case they did make it into the basement,

like that actually, like that would have actually done anything aside from just giving us an additional minute or so of being alive. Oh my God. Still a good thought. My heart was practically jumping out of my chest. I'm talking to 911 to the 911 dispatcher as my eight year old cousin clings to my arm.

The operator is calm and trying to call me, but I knew in my heart it would be at least 30 minutes until a police officer could get up there. Assuming they didn't get totally lost on this mountain side in the pitch dark. I just kept thinking, where fucked? We're dead. This is how we die.

The operator asked for the number. My aunt and uncle left me so she could have another dispatcher call them and let them know the situation. I turned around to grab the paper with the number my aunt and uncle left me so she could have another dispatcher call them and let them know the situation. I turned around to grab the paper with the number on it and do my- oh my god, huh? And do my absolute- oh my god. I see a man peering in the large glass sliding door. Oh my god, I'm shitting myself right now.

A huge burly, what had to have been a six-four man with long, scraggly red hair and a big red- Oh my God. She beard. And what made it worse, he was grinning at me. Grining in a way that still scares me to this day, I'm literally holding onto the collar of my sweatshirt, like shook right now. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Meanwhile, I had to have looked like a terrified deer in the headlights. I was shaking so hard I could barely hold the phone. Oh my god. There was a second man behind him. Oh my god. I couldn't see as well.

I have no idea what he looked like, but he was equally as tall, but a bit linkier than the larger man standing at the sliding glass door. I screamed, oh god, they're here. Oh my God. And before the 911 operator can say anything, my eight year old cousin goes, Mr. Jim?

Oh my God. His voice was very confused. It wasn't like my cousin was happy or even relieved to see him. He just happened to know this man's name. I asked, you know who that is. But before my cousin could answer, I turned my attention to the man on the door at the door.

I'm on the phone with the police, I shouted. My fear had turned into rage. Oh yeah. Mr. Jim stared at me hard for a moment. I browse furrowed, like he was deciding what he wanted to do next, but then just backed away into the darkness like an asshole. What? No, oops, sorry, he didn't mean to scare you, I was just looking for Casey, my uncle.

He didn't even try to excuse himself. He didn't even try to excuse himself. Didn't even try to apologize. He just backed into the darkness like an actual villain or some kind of fucking cryptid. What the fuck? He did resemble Bigfoot in a way so maybe he is. Maybe that's the Pennsylvania Appalachian Bigfoot and he has an associate and a truck. Oh my god. Oh my god. But seems like an eternity later I saw the truck lights back out of the driveway and then backed on the road until they disappeared.

I'm like, what did this man want? I was scared shitless and so was my cousin. He had only met that guy a few times, just an acquaintance of his dad. It was obvious that he was not a familiar friend, otherwise he'd have known better than to go down the wrong driveway. The 911 operator asked for a description of the man and told me that they'd gotten in touch with my aunt and uncle and they were on their way home. She stayed on the phone with me until a police officer showed up a bit later to make sure that the men were gone and they stayed with us until my

aunt and uncle got home so that they could ask them some questions. One of the questions was probably why do you have a 14 year old watching three small children on a mountain night? As the mom of a nine and three year old now I could could never, but it was 2008, and I was a cheap babysitter. So, Yolo, I guess, we were saying Yolo in 2008, right? I think so. Sure. Yeah.

Also, I think I only got like $20, which I definitely should have gotten more after having the literal shit scared out of me. Seriously. You really should have. The responsibility you had that night. That's a lot of responsibility After the cops left my uncle was furious and muttered something like I'm gonna go fuck him up

My aunt was fuming that at my uncle and told him to tell Jim never to come back around again Now that I'm an adult I know that my uncle had a drug problem So now I can only assume that Mr. Jim was coming by to look for drugs or maybe to rob the place for drug money Oh, jeez. Cool. The heck knows. What I don't want to know is what he would have done if I wasn't already on the phone with 9-1-1. Why was he fucking grinning at us? Yes, that's what I want to know. I know, exactly.

Was I going to be the drug money? Was he going to throw me off the mountain? I don't know. And also, oh, yeah. I'm also grateful now thinking about it that he didn't try the sliding last door because I don't even think it was locked. Oh, my god. And I'm not Kevin from home alone.

So there were no booby traps to help us out of that situation. Oh, that's all I would be thinking of too. I'd be like, man, why am I not Kevin? Truly. I don't know how I ever got to sleep that night, but I did. And I was not asked to babysit ever again. Nor did I ever go back to that mountainside house again because shortly after this incident, my aunt divorced my uncle and moved out of there.

So that's the story of Mr. Jim, the crazy mountain man, who I'll just pretend as a scary Appalachian cryptid, I guess. He basically is. Yeah, I mean essentially. Thank you both for taking the time to read my story and I hope it makes sense and I didn't ramble too much. I proofread it like five times. You did great.

And thank you for all the time and effort that you put into the podcast. Well, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, thank you so much. Please do this forever and ever. And don't forget to keep it weird, but not so weird that you try to rob a house in the middle of the pitch black night on a mountainside in Ugrinson or Sterlie

that had a terrified teenage girl in her baby cousins. That's what kills me. It's like he could see you. Was he grinning? Terrified. Holding a child who is also terrified. And he's lollling. And he's sitting there grinning at you?

Like, why? What the fuck was that intention? Like, there was no... And the fact that he was like shaking the metal door and like trying to... Yeah. I'm like, he was... Something bad was gonna happen to me.

100% because he was shaking not only the door, but the fucking garage door too. That's terrifying. That's so fucked up. I'm also so sorry that you had that experience. All of you that you've had these experiences. Because the amount of responsibility you had that night at 14 years old.

Seriously. And you handled it like a fucking champ. You really did. I think back to the times that I was like a similar age baby sitting like many, many children. And I'm like, why did people trust us to do this? I know. I know. They was always, I don't know. Because now having nieces, I feel you are such a great mom

and such a great model. I want to be a mom like you, mom. Oh, thank you. I went to say man, but then I started to say mom again. So I was like, mom. Mom? But you would never hire a 14 year old to babysit? No, I definitely wouldn't.

But I mean, very but I mean very different times Very different times like they said like 2008 versus now very different. Yeah, definitely a different situation All right, this one isn't tight old What does it I think it's crazy Crazy ass home invasion just right to the point all right Well, I was like just a room like computer. I just like punted my computer across the room. Did you think it was so cute? Any time I see anything that's so cute, I'm like, I just want to punt that across

the room. And that's like a scientific thing. Yeah, I saw that once on Instagram. I think I was talking with it with a Debbie's husband Pat. Actually, we both share that similar Pat Pat. We both share that similar thing where we wanna like punch things that are really cute. Same, I want me to. It's like you have to destroy it because your brain just can't even handle it.

Yeah, and our significant others do not understand that scientific fact. I think Drew understands that. I often say that I want to throw your youngest across the room just because she's so cute. Because she's so cute. Like I'm not mad at her. No, you're like, I literally love you so much.

I just wanna like scream. Literally. Yeah, and oh, and quick little, I literally love you so much. I just want to like scream. Literally. Yeah. And oh, and quick little like correction from a long time ago. We had mentioned thinking of Pat. We had mentioned the story of during the Boston Marathon bombing. So Pat and Debbie were like right in the middle

of that whole man hunt thing, where they were living at the time in Watertown. And in the middle of the night, they heard a noise in them and their neighbor, like, who was, like, another tenant in the building, met in the basement, and we said that Pat had a glass of tepid water, that he was, like, he came as a weapon. But we were wrong. We were wrong, and I knew it, too. When it came out, I was like, that, I don't think that was right, but I wasn't sure.

I'm also pretty sure I told the story, like third hand, so that's probably what that was. But I should have, like, I should have known, because it was the neighbor who brought the tepid glass of water as the weapon in Pat brought like a golf clubber a bat. Oh, so like a normal thing, right? Yeah. But the neighbor literally brought a glass of tepid water and Pat was like, what are you going to do with that? What's going to happen? Do you think they were like drinking water?

It's not even hot, it's not cold, it's literally just room temperature water. Like not gonna do anything. I mean, if you threw that on his face, it would like buy you a second. For a second, it certainly would. But I had to correct that because he was like, damn it, it wasn't me with the tepid water.

He's like, I'm not that person. I did not do that. Not that guy. But back to the listener too. Back to it. Hi ladies, I'm Marley. I I did not do that. Not that guy. But back to the listener tale. Back to it. Hi, ladies. I'm Marley. I've just started listening to the podcast for about a week.

And you have kept me entertained through my long overnight shifts. Hearing the other listener tales and you guys saying, having someone attack you at home is a scary thing, has made me want to share a story about a crazy-ass home invasion. My family experienced 10 years ago. You can use my name. I've shortened everyone else's and sorry if this story is too long

but there are many layers to it. We live in lovely Mesa, Arizona and our neighborhood is really quiet and nothing ever happened. That's how it always begins. Exactly. I was 19 and living with my mom and my older sister, V.

My older sister, S, was up north in Flagstaff, finishing her final year at NAU. And it was just me, my mom and me at the house with my sister, V, spending the night at her boyfriend's house. It was about, sorry, it was about 2 a.m. And being 19, able to run on only a few hours of sleep, I was up watching Netflix with all my lights on. Suddenly all the lights go out.

I was like, what the fuck? I quickly realized that our power was out. I figured that our AC had tripped our circuit breaker and it happened before. I got up and woke my mom telling her the power was out. Concerned, we went to the front door to check the breaker. Our breaker was on the side of the house around the corner from the front door. As we stepped outside, a man stepped out from around the corner by the breaker. We immediately stopped and my mom asked, who are you? Oh my God. He stepped forward and said, we are going back into the house. No, the fuck you're not. My mom said, no way, and told me to get the phone and call 911. When the man said, no, you're not. Let's all go back inside.

My mom was like, you're not going in my house. Who are you? I went back inside and got my phone from my room, calling 911 as I walked back to the front door. As I was telling the operator that there was a stranger outside of our house, I saw a commotion at the door. Suddenly the man pushed his way through the door, despite me trying to stop him and locked

it behind him. Somehow I ended up on the floor and he grabbed me by my upper arms and dragged me to one of the bedrooms. Oh my god. Now if you're wondering what happened to my mom, I'll tell you, when he pushed past her, she tried to stop him. So what he did was pull out a taser gun and tased her. Oh my god. But she didn't go down and kept fighting him and yelling for help. So he tased her a second time until she finally fell. She fell and hit a chair so hard she broke her arm and had to have surgery to repair it.

Ugh. Hear me. Hearing me yelling in the house, my mom got up and tried to get me but was locked out. She grabbed a broom that was outside and broke a window trying to get back inside, cutting her hand in the process. Around this time one of our neighbors ran up to help and the cops also show up.

As you can imagine I was freaking the fuck out. I didn't know who this guy was or what he wanted. After he dragged me to the bedroom, he leaned against the door and looked and locked it. I wanted to get as far away as possible from him and went to the other corner of the room on the bed. At that point, I found that I was still on my phone, I still had my phone in my hand and that 911 was still on the line. As I was telling 911 my address and the description of the stranger, he pulled out a gun and pointed it at his own head. What? He then said, Marley, give me your sister's number.

pointed it at his own head. What? He then said, Marley, give me your sister's number. After asking him what, he repeated, give me your sister's number. Seeing that this guy had a gun

and somehow knew us, I tried to give her a number, but I told him the wrong one. After seeing that it was wrong, the wrong one, he told me to give him my phone. I said, no, it was my connection to the outside

and the operators were still talking to me. He then said, if I give you a knife to feel safe, will you give me your phone? What? He then pulled out a big army knife and traded it for my phone. After he got the number and gave me my phone back, I asked if I could leave. He said sure and stepped from the door and I got the fuck out of there with knife in hand. What? As I got to the front door, I could see and hear the police outside. I put the knife down and walked out the door. I couldn't see much of their light pointed at me, with their lights pointed at me, but they

told me to have my hands up and walk towards them. Now my dumbass, now realizing I could have been shot for this, heard our Jack Russell barking at the door, thinking I couldn't leave her there with a crazy person in the house, I turned around and grabbed the dog. When I reached the police, they took me to one side of the street and asked me questions. They were also asking my mom questions as she was being looked over by paramedics. The cops checked the registration of the car in front of our house.

They asked my mom if she knew anyone named M Abbott. In shock, she said, that's my oldest daughter's old boyfriend. They dated seven years ago in high school and he had broken up with her. What? As I was sitting there with my dog, my phone rang. My sister S was calling from Flagstaff. She immediately demanded to know where I was and if I was safe. When I said what I was, when I said I was, she told me to give the phone to the police so they could confirm it. Hearing the police talk to her, I heard them say the guy's name, Mabit. It clicked for me then who it was. She told the police that he'd sent her a picture of me in the room and then called her. What? He told her that it didn't have to happen this way if

she had only responded to his messages. Like, dude, you broke up with me. What? He told her that it didn't have to happen this way if she had only responded to his messages. Like, dude, you broke up with me, what the fuck? Fuck this guy. Before she could respond, he hung up, then killed himself in the bedroom before the police could come in. Oh, holy shit. Oh, my God.

Even though it didn't turn out so well for him, I can't help to be grateful on how that night ended. We were lucky to only come out with my mom only having a broken arm, and me with a slight hip pain from hitting a corner wall. I'm sorry. I think about what could have happened if I hadn't been awake at that time, or what if my sister V had been home? We found out later that he had a bullet proof vest on and zip ties in his car. What the fuck he had been trying to contact my sister for months and had even gone to Flagstaff looking for her. What was this person was on well?

Yeah. So there's the story of my crazy ass home invasion. My mom still lives at that house but that room has been turned into her eBay room. What's an eBay room? She has an eBay room. I love that. And if that room. Hope you guys found it interesting and can't wait to listen a more episode. I love that. And if you're at room, hope you guys found it interesting and can't wait to listen to more episodes. Oh my goodness. Yes, here's another thing to prove that that night sucked for everyone.

I believe you. My sister V, who is at her boyfriend's house, a drunk driver hit and told us her parked car. She had left her phone at home so she had no idea that anything had happened at home. So she pulls up in the morning thinking that she has to tell our mom that her car is totalled. Oh she's like, I have to tell her this bad thing. She sees police and crime tape outside of our house. Then they stop her and explain that her film. And then she

stops them and says her family lives there. The officer says something happened to her, your mother and sister. They pause and then said, they're fine, they're at the hospital. What the fuck? What the fuck? Hey, something happened, but uh... They're fine, don't worry. I love that it's like crime scene tape cops and they're like, hey, something happened to your mom and your sister.

Like, thank you, sir. They're good, they're not just at the hospital. Like, my goodness. My goodness. Wow, that was quite a tale. That was bananas. Quite a tale, Marley, that was quite a tale. That was bananas quite a tale. Marley. That was quite a tale It sounded like a movie it reminded me of that movie fear it does remind me of Mark Walberg and young Reese Withers. Yes, that's a great movie. It's really scary though. It's terrifying

You guys did it again guys. You're always doing it. I don't know why I said guys so many times guys you doing it again Guys you guys are doing it again guys. You're always doing it. I don't know why I said guys so many times. Guys, you're doing it again. Guys, you guys are doing it again guys guys. Guys guys, wow. Thank you for what a guy. Quite a guy, quite a guy. Oh my, but yeah, keep sending in these tails and we'll keep reading them.

Yes, and in the meantime, we hope you keep listening. We hope you keep it weird. But that's where the You Don't Lock Your Door is. You don't lock your windows and you end up sending us a story about your home invasion because I don't want you to have to do that. But yeah, don't do that. Bye. Hey, Prime Members! You can listen to Morvid, Early, and Add Free on Amazon Music. Download

the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen Add Free with Wondery Plus and Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.