Morbid - Listener Tales 58

Episode Date: November 18, 2022

LISTENER TALES!!!!! We have quite the lineup, per usual! There's a mother from beyond who led a firefighter to save her baby, some haunted socks, a ghostly fan of Bach (with sound effects) and a serial killer connection that will leave you with your jaw on the fucking floor. ! If you have a listener tale you'd like to send it please sent it to [e-mail] with "Listener Tale" somewhere in the subject line :) Cowritten by Alaina Urquhart, Ash Kelley & Dave White (Since 10/2022)Produced & Edited by Mikie Sirois (Since 2023)Research by Dave White (Since 10/2022), Alaina Urquhart & Ash KelleyListener Correspondence & Collaboration by Debra LallyListener Tale Video Edited by Aidan McElman (Since 6/2025) Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, weirdos. I'm Ash. And I'm Elena. And this is a mini morbid. It's so tiny. It's the smallest. It's very little. Mini, mini, mini, mini, mini, mini, mini, mini, mini, mini, mini, mini. Mini morbid, mini, mini, mini. Maybe morbid, mini. Probably not, though, because it's Elena's mini and, like you know, how she does it. You know how I do. And like you know. And like you know. Ooh, did I sound like a Kardashian?

Oh. Oh. I'll see myself out. Yes, today is a mini morbid. So we don't have any business because it's a mini morbid. So we just cut to the chase here. One, two, three, go. All right.

So tonight's mini morbid is a tale of survival. Oh, she lives. I love tales of survival. Oh, he lives. We have room for all. Now, this was on an I survived episode, but I did not watch the I survived episode because. fucking credited. Exactly.

I'm not going to credit it because I did not watch it, so I didn't get any of this information from that episode. So before you go type in on your keyboard, yell on me for me. I got my information from a ton of articles and also some interviews with the woman in question. Oh. Just saying.

So I'm going to start off with talking about a 911 call. Oh, I'm stressed. So here's how the 911 call went. Does it start with? Hello, 911. What's your emergency? No, it starts with, um, welcome to Wendy's. What can we do for you?

I had like a four for four. That's what you could do for me. So the caller begins. We have an intruder in the house next door. The intruder was in the bedroom with a hammer. The woman who lives there thinks she may have strangled him. He was down when she left. Think she may have strangled him?

Oh, yeah. She's not sure. Oh, yeah. So the 911 operator says, can you put her on the phone? The caller says, she's bleeding. 911 says, does she need an ambulance? The caller says, no, she's a nurse. She says, call an ambulance for the guy.

He may be dead. Bad bitch alert. And the 911 dispatcher says, what did she use on him? She strangled him. What else did she do? And the caller says, she put a chokehold on him. 911 says, I've got help on the way. stay on the line and the caller says she has a hammer here.

911 says, don't touch it. Don't touch it. Just leave it there. So the caller says she hit him in the head several times. That's the hammer he had with him. She struck him and she strangled him and she thinks he's dead. Super casual way to start your night. This call came from Portland, Oregon on September 6, 2006. So let's take ourselves to Portland, Oregon on September 6, 2006. All right. Tell me what was going down. We're going to go there. So 51-year-old Susan Kuhnhausen

was returning home from her job as a nurse in the ER room of Providence Hospital. Okay. So she's an ER nurse. Not a bitch. Yeah, she's already like this badass bitch because you can't just be any regular bitch working at an ER. No, you're a badass bitch.

You're a badass bitch. A BAB. So she's on her way home. Long shift. She's tired. She's a little pampering. so she stops at the perfect look hair salon to get her hair did. Hell yeah, girl.

Get your blowout. That's right. And while she's there, the stylist said that Susan told her she needed, she was thinking about getting a new hair color because she was going through kind of a tough divorce. Oh, girl. Yeah. Which that's what you do. As like somebody who has had every hair color under the sun, yes, amen, sis.

Amen. Now that we know that Susan is an ER nurse, she's going through a tough divorce. Let's kind of go back really quickly to her childhood so we can kind of bring you up to speed of where she is. Paint the pick of Sue. Let's just paint this picture. So Susan's childhood was definitely not abusive or anything like that by all accounts. But it wasn't super calm. And it wasn't one where you would really learn what a happy, healthy marriage was.

Retweet Susan. Bringing my childhood trauma into every episode. Yes. You're welcome. Brought to you by me. Brought to you by me. by neglect I'm out

oh that was wicked funny just kidding are you though because I'm not just to be clear mom are you listening we don't have the same mom just so you know Elena's mom is great she is she's my grandma

we're not sisters Ash's mom not so great 10 out of 10 don't recommend okay Woo! So, Susan's father was an Air Force cook, and her mom was a stay-at-home mom. They separated when she was in second grade.

Okay. So pretty early on. Now, life was not, like, bad when she was a child. It was just, like, kind of chaotic and not stable. Because, again, they're a military family, so they're moving a lot. Not that I'm not saying military families are chaotic and unstable. That's not what I'm saying. But this particular one.

This particular one just happened to be. When she was a child, they moved, they moved from Colorado to Arizona, Arizona to California, California to Nevada. Like, they were just everywhere. So they, you know, they're constantly, you know, shuffling through different schools and new friends and having to start over a lot. And then they're going between their parents as well. So it was just a lot of movement.

Yeah. And she said, Susan herself said, quote, my parents loved me, but they couldn't teach me to have a successful marriage any more than they could teach me how to fly. I love that, which I love. So when she got out of high school, that's when she became a licensed practical nurse,

and then she quickly became a registered nurse. She moved to Oregon in the early 80s, and later went to Portland. She began in Coosbe. Ooh. Coosbe? Coosbe. I think it's Coosbe

Somebody from Oregon will let me know So she started out in Coosbe Later went to Portland It was in 1988 That her romantic life took a turn Her mother And her friend This is so 80s I feel

I'm excited Paid for a personal ad for Susan I feel like my romance has gotten to that point We're like I'm waiting for you to put out a personal ad I'm going to pay for a personal ad Actually don't I feel like that's not safe Absolutely not. Don't do that.

They took one out in the Willamette Week paper. I was like, is that supposed to mean something to me? It's a certain week. No. And what it said was, quote, someone different. SWF, which is single white female. Yeah. 33.

Overweight, but not over life. Which I'm like, yes, Susan. Same. Overweight, but not over life. Susan's the best. Seek. SM single male. Yoker.

Who wants more out of a relationship than just quote slender. Yes. Go, Susan. The baddest bitch. I just love her already. Did she write that? No.

Her family did. But I'm sure they like consulted her. They better. I imagine if they were like overweight but not over life. Because like bitch what? Well, and Susan was known to have like a great sense. She has a great sense of humor because she's still alive guys. I keep saying was like she's not here.

But Susan. a great sense of humor. She's very like vivacious, very outgoing. I want to watch this episode of I survived. Yeah, she's a bad ass. And one of the replies they got was from a guy named Mike. Mike, what's up? It said, quote, my name is Mike. I'm a 39-year-old D-WM. D-WM. Which I meant to look that up and see what that meant. Dude with money. That's what I would hope for. He wasn't. Oh, so. Dick without money. Yes. That's probably exactly what that meant. Thank you.

I'm going to Google it right now. I enjoy things in nature from wandering in the ape caves at Mount St. Helens to walking on the beach at sunset. Wow. So it's like I like long walks on the beach. Divorced white male. Divorced white male. All right. We see.

We see. All right. Well, this divorced white male named Mike who likes long walks on the beach. This dick without money. This was Mike Kuhnhausen. Okay. Later, she becomes Susan Kuhnhausen. So, spoiler alert, they get married.

Murd. Now, she first spoke to him by phone on January 30th, 1988. So Mike grew up in Portland. He was adopted as a newborn in 1948. And he told Susan that he had seen combat in Vietnam, but she says she doesn't think that was true. because the records in the military actually show that he was a switchboard operator. Why do people lie about things?

So he was already bullshitting. Like, shut up. Just tell the truth. Just don't lie about it, man. You were in the military. Be proud of that. Right. That's enough to be proud of.

Exactly. Shut up with your lies. Just shut up, Mike. Ugh. Jesus. So they talked on the phone a ton and Susan said he had a nice voice. I was impressed he wanted to talk about the deeper things. Okay.

Because, you know, that's rare. It sure fucking is. So for their first date, it was in February 1988. They met at the Crystal Springs Rhododendron Garden, and it was next to Reed College, and they fed ducks and fed squirrels unsalted peanuts. That's really pure. Isn't it so wholesome? It's the purest.

So pure. Unfortunately. It wasn't so bad from then. So within a year, they went to Reno, Nevada, and got hitched. But almost immediately. after things just turned. Oh, come on. Wasn't romantic feeding ducks anymore.

It was like him burping and like guzzling Diet Coke and chain smoking and being all up on her business. And she was like, now I see why you were a DWM. Exactly, a dick without money. And a divorce white male. So Susan herself says

it wasn't very long after we got married that there was no more hiking, no more getting out. Oh. So she was like, yeah, that shit sucks. That must suck when you, like, you marry. somebody and they turn into a completely different person. It's like he pretended to be one person and then... Because you're locked into that shit.

I mean, I'm going to trick someone into marry me someday, but... There you go. Fellows, you know that. I love hiking. I love it. Let's go. So within a few years of the wedding, Mike got a new job. A good one?

It was as a janitorial supervisor for their Oregon entertainment. Okay. Which was the parent company of Fantasy Adult Video. Okay. I mean, a paycheck. Soon it became pretty clear that Mike was not exactly forthcoming in the beginning with how like just a much of a bummer he can be. Oh.

Because she said, she said, quote, his life philosophy was, life is a shit sandwich and every day you take another bite until you die. Life is a shit. to which I say Ha-ha Don't live like that guys

If at all possible Like that's a real bummer way to live I can't stop laughing So he just sucked Like he just was like Everything sucks Can you imagine saying that to someone that you've loved What like in wow

Like hearing your husband say that You'd be like oh this is going to be a long life A very long shit eating life Wow I thought that That was so funny. You did. Ash is literally crying right now.

Yeah, no, that would be really sad if somebody was serious. Yeah, like, she's like, that's a bummer. So Mike quickly became, like, a real pain in the ass. He was constantly hounding Susan about her plans when she went out. Oh, bye. Yeah, and it wasn't like, like, hey, where are you going? What was it like? It was like obsessive, like, controlling kind of thing.

Yeah, Mike, I'm going out. See you never. Bye, Mike. you're divorced again. He also monitored her spending very closely and complained even when she made the most minor purchases, which is no good. I'd be like, I have a job and I make money too. She's a fucking ER nurse.

She makes her money. I spend the money I make. Thank you and good night. She earns her money. So it wasn't like, there was just no teamwork. It seems like it was just kind of like judgment and like controlling behavior. And he kind of wasn't like, you know, he's just being a dick. shitty. How long were they married for?

Well, 17 years into their marriage. What's the actual fuck? Susan finally had enough. That marriage sounds like a shit sandwich. It really does. And so she's, and she even said if she tried to kiss him, he'd burp. Ew, what a fucking loser? So he was

just like being gross and disgusting and yeah, like Are we going to get yelled up by frat boys now? Oh, probably. So he's, and she said, quote, I cared about him, but I didn't want to live with him anymore. I wanted to be happy again. Oh, Sue. Yeah, she didn't want to keep

taking bites of this shit sandwich until they both died. Imagine if you went to kiss John, he burped. I'd be like, go. I would be like, what? Light yourself on fire. Is wrong with you? Yeah, I'd be pissed. Like, that's so gross. That's why I'm single. So, in September of 2005,

she finally was like, listen, you got to move out. Yeah, we got to separate. I got out of here. So he moved into his father's home, but one important thing is Susan never changed the locks or the alarm code. Oh gosh, girl. I'm not victim shaming, but like change your locks.

I know. But you would never think that, I mean, by all accounts, he didn't seem like he was violent. Mostly. So it's like, I don't think you would think like my ex-husband is going to do something terrible if I don't change the locks, you know? Like that's a, I think we only think that way because we're like, so in. Oh, yeah. Like, I would totally think.

that, but I think like normal people would probably not even... Yeah, no. That wouldn't even register. No, definitely wouldn't. And their alarm code was 12.10, which was their anniversary. Wow, that's horrifyingly sad. So the night of her attack, Susan spent about an hour at the hair salon, the perfect

look hair salon. Okay. Then she left. She felt real good. She felt real pampered. I bet she did. You know. And she drove to her blue one-story Cape House in the Montevilla neighborhood of southeast Portland. She got home at approximately 637 p.m. She went into the mudroom at the back of the

house and she found a note by the microwave from Mike. Okay. And it said quote, Sue haven't been sleeping, had to get away, went to the beach. And he added that he would see her on Friday or Saturday and he wrote love me. Wait, why? Because they were in the process of separating, but it was like, So they were still seeing each other sometimes? Yeah, I think it was like they were just in the process. Okay. So she unlocked the door to the kitchen. And at this point, she was still wearing her blue ER scrubs because she was just coming home from work in the hair salon.

And she hears the beeping of her security alarm. So she disarmed it, walked into the house, and then went back outside and, like, looked through the mail. Like, just was not even... Just got home things. Yeah, like things. you're not even the, and again, she disarmed the alarm, like everything was normal. Yeah. Suddenly,

she walks back into the house with her mail, places it down, and suddenly from behind the bedroom door, the figure of a man appears. Goodbye. And immediately attacks her. Oh, my God. Which to me is the scariest thing I could ever imagine.

Walking into my house and a man just walks out of a room. Oh, my God, oh my God. Yeah, like I'm like bone chills right now. So later it was determined that this man, who was a complete stranger to Susan, was 59-year-old Ed Haffey. Okay. He stood 5 foot 9 inches, weighed 190 pounds. And when he attacked Susan, he was wearing dockers, a blue striped shirt, and a tan baseball hat that was pulled way down low, like, over his eyes.

He was a big dude. Yeah. Not tall-wise, but like beef-wise. Yeah, he was beefy. And he had long, straggly, like, grayish hair that made. matched an equally long, unkempt gray beard. Oh, I'm scared. So he was a scary looking guy.

Yeah. And his hair was in a ponytail tucked like into the cap that day. And he also wore red, uh, yellow rubber gloves on his hands. What, like kitchen sink gloves? Yeah. And one of his hands held a red and black claw hammer. A fucking claw hammer. Yep.

Now, as, remember the other day I told you I was going to claw hammer you if you didn't sit down? That's true. You did. Wow. Yeah. keeping on theme this week. I'm pulling it right around. Now, as soon as she saw him, she screamed,

who are you, what do you want? And she screamed it as loudly as she could, but he didn't answer. He just kept advancing on her. Oh, my God. Now, Susan, who was five feet, four inches, again, like we said, was an emergency room nurse for nearly 30 years.

She'd been a nurse. So she had seen some shit. As most anyone who is a nurse, and particularly one who works in an ER of a hospital knows, it isn't a passive job by any stretch of the imagination. Even the tiniest, most unassuming nurses can probably kick your ass six ways to Sunday. Oh, easily. And Susan, throughout all her time at that job, I mean, she had had to disarm injured men, women, anything.

I mean, she's cracked people's chests open to perform heart massages. she administered IVs to patients that are thrashing and fighting back through her. You know, like, Oh my God, that sounds like she's dealt with people going through drug withdrawal. She's dealt with it all. So it's like she has dealt with craziness and just chaos. And so she and all the other nurses at this particular hospital also trained regularly in self-defense. Hell yeah.

So they knew how to slip out of headlocks because that shit's going to happen. and all that good stuff. So before Susan could even comprehend what was happening, this dude was swinging the claw hammer wildly at her. Oh my God. And he was running forward. Yeah. So he managed to quickly connect the claw hammer.

No. Into her head and face. Oh my God, no. But somehow, probably because she is literally superwoman, she was able to start fighting him off after getting hit in the head and face with a claw hammer. With a claw hammer. So the first blow that he landed on her was in her left temple, which like just gives me a headache. I know we all both just instantly started rubbing our temples.

We do. We were like, oh. Yeah. And this, now this is such that what she does next is such an amazingly impressive move to me because it's something that a lot of us probably would not immediately assume to do in this situation. When he came at her, she crowded him. Okay. So she went closer to him. She ran. towards him. Right. Because she said she knew that the swings of the claw hammer would have less force if she was close to him. Oh. Like if she stayed far away, he had more momentum to hit her with.

But if she was crowding him, he would have to like kind of like pick at her. Right. You know? And it's like, wow, what a smart ass lady. Yeah. That's so against your natural instinct of like running the fuck the other way. I would just be like I really hope heaven's real. I would just be running.

But she was clear-headed enough, even after getting slammed in the head with a claw hammer to do this. Oh, my God. It just blows my mind. So she also ends up biting him. Yes. And this was intentional and not just a desperate attempt to keep him at bay. She said, quote, if I died, I wanted it to be known that I fought to live. Hell yeah.

And I was like, Susan. Bad bitch. Yes, Susan. Now, once she bit him, they both fell to the floor and she immediately tried to disarm him. She tried to get that claw hammer. So they're literally fighting over the claw hammer And he got her up against a wall And then he said quote

You're strong Yeah I am Get out of my house And she was like for some reason That just made me so angry Because I was like he's here to kill me Like she was like he's not trying to rob me He's not trying to rape me

He's here to kill me Like that's it just made all of a sudden And he was like She was like I just all of a sudden was like I don't know who this dude is But I know what his intention is Like he wants to kill me. It's kill or be killed.

Yeah. So he was struggle busing with her because even with a claw hammer to the head and face, she was not even a little like back and down or weekend. So she managed to wrestle the hammer from him. Yes. And she swung it three times, maybe four she said, into his skull. Hell yeah. With the claw end.

Because you have to. And he snatched the hammer back. So she grabbed his throat. and she just fucking squeezed his throat and screamed, who sent you here? And she said he wouldn't answer. And then his face started turning red than purple, then darker purple with a blue tinge.

And she said that's when she freaked out and let go. Yeah. And she said then she tried to run because she was like, holy shit. Like, I got to get out of here. Because honestly, even in this situation, it's like, killing someone is a big deal. Yeah, you don't want to kill.

And she's sitting there squeezing his throat, watching him die. And she was like, fuck. And she's a nurse, right. Yeah, like her purpose in life is to save lives. You know what I mean? And she's sitting there having to. Yeah. So she tries to run out of there.

And she's in, he ended up catching her as she ran from her bedroom into the hallway. Oh my God. Come on, dude. He was hit two that many times. Yeah. Like in the head, too. What is in the air? I know.

What is happening? A lot of a drone. drinking a lot of adrenaline. So he spun her around again and he punched her in the face. Oh, get out of here. You rude man. You rude man.

I just lost all things to call him. Get out of here. You rude, man. That's what I would say if I was attacked. So that's good. Yeah, there you go. No, I wouldn't. So he punches her, he splits her lip.

He punches her again. That's when she falls to the floor. Oh, no, get up. And she said, quote, he was standing over me with the hammer. No. I looked at the floor and I thought, I'm going to die today. No.

Can you even fathom that? Can't. That you're laying on the floor, looking up at this scraggly-ass dude, in a fucking baseball, a tan baseball cap. What's that? And he's wearing yellow rubber,

fucking dishwasher gloves. Why is he wearing dishwasher gloves? And he's sitting there with a claw hammer in his hand and you're sitting there going like, not only am I going to die today, but this is how I'm going to die today? I can't even wrap my brain around that. No, I want to, no.

No, I just couldn't do it. And so she says to this day, she has no idea how she did it. What she do? But she managed to pull him to the floor too. Yes. And she said, quote, I got to get the hammer. She told herself. So she said, she immediately started biting this motherfucker again.

Good. And she said, this time she bit him because she wanted to tie herself to him so that if he did kill her, they would be able to catch him through her bite marks. Oh my God. She was fucking Ted Bundying that shit. She was like, I watched the Ted Bundy trial. I know what dental records can do. But Ted did it. I'm going to bite the fuck out of this

do. Exactly. She did it with intent. But she was like, I know that this can be a fucking smoking gun, so I'm going to do this. Wow. So she ended up binding his arm, his flank, and his thigh. And oh, that's not enough for you? Is that enough for you? I already read your notes. I hope it's not enough for you. I just saw your notes. because she also bit through his zipper and bit his dick. I'm screaming.

Like, she was like, I'm literally going to bite your penis off. She bit the dick's dick. Like, she bit right through his zipper. Oh, I thought you were going to say right through his dick. I mean, I wish she did. Oh, geez. But that is like legendary. Next level.

Legend. Level shit. She's a power ranger. She's, I don't know what she is. She's a mythical creature of sorts. She is so much to behold. So if this isn't enough to send her in the Hall of Fame of the most badass survivor in the galaxy. It is.

But then she ratcheted it up a notch. What'd she do? As of biting through his zipper and making sure she was leaving her teeth everywhere. In the midst of all this chaos wasn't legendary enough. While chewing on him, she tried to rifle through his pockets to find an ID that she could toss under a bed or a chair or somewhere. So she said, She said in case police found it later, they could figure out who he was. Wow.

Like this, she's thinking. How does your brain do that in the, in the crazy moment? Like, you know, when you get in like an argument with someone and then later on you think about it and you're like, oh, fuck, I wish I had said that. I wish I had said that. I wish I had done this. She did everything she wished she could have done. Like she did everything that none of us would even fathom. Like later on, as a ghost, I'd be like, fuck, I wish I'd been sick off.

Yeah. But she did. Wow. Yeah. She's everything. Everything. She said, quote, I was like a downed power line snapping on the pavement. Wow.

Which also I'm like, what a metaphor? Also, poetry, Susan. Susan, what don't you do? I bet she even rocked her new haircut. She did. What did Susan not do? She probably didn't even judge it. You know what she didn't do?

Die. Yeah. You know what she did do? Survive. Cooties never die. No way. They don't. So moments after this, she manages to climb on.

top of him and hammer the shit out of his face. Pins him to the ground and she places him into a chokehold and yells in his face. Tell me who sent you and I will call a fucking ambulance for you. Yes. So now she has him totally powerless and she's like, oh, you want help? Do you want me to call a fucking ambulance? Then you tell me who sent you because not only is she like, I need to survive. she's like, what motherfucker sent you? I'll kill them to. I will bite their dick too.

I'll bite their dick off too. Tell me who sent you on my bed. Are you kidding me? And she said he didn't say anything and just growled in her face. Ew. Which I would have then killed him. That would have set my ass off.

I would like, today's today you die. So as he's trying to throw her off of him. And she just strengthens her chokeholds until he stops moving. Yes. once he stops moving. And the last thing he did was growl. Like you're an idiot.

Yeah, it's like, was it worth it? Shut up with your growl. And so she drops his ass. She grabs the hammer, which is another small move that is like smart. Because they always come back to life. Yeah. Have you seen Scream? Yeah.

You've watched Scream. You know. So, and then she goes to the neighbor's house and that's when she calls 911, which is the call we were talking about in the beginning. Yes. So she was brought to the hospital where she works. Okay. Wow. Then they were all clapping when she arrived. And they were just like, holy shit, Susan. But like we just saw you two hours ago. Like holy damn. And she was admitted to the emergency room. And while she was in there, she immediately started thinking if her estranged husband had something to do with this. Oh my God. She immediately was like, oh, fuck. So remember, she had kicked him out. She had asked for a divorce. And the locks and alarms had not been changed since he had left that house. Oh, no. Now the day after.

of the attack, her friend Helen Ballone went with her back to her house to get some belongings. I would not want to go back there. And she's just like, yeah, like I'm going to do it. Like, she's so, she's so strong. I would call my best friend and be like,

listen, Krem, I need A, B, and C. You're going to go get it. Love you so much. Love you so much. Shout out to my best friend. And once they were there, her friend Helen said, hey, there's a backpack in your basement that doesn't belong.

What? Now, police hadn't even seen the backpack when they'd gone in there because I guess the basement was kind of like cluttered like a normal basement. Yeah. And I think they just didn't think of it. So inside the space, this backpack, which was not hers, was a container of Hershey Syrup. Okay. Which not real sure where that was going. $200 in cash, diabetes pills.

Maybe because of the Hershey syrup. Yeah, there you go. A daybook and a paste up. made out to Haffey, the attacker. Okay. Now, there was a very damning entry in the day book, and it was on Monday, September 4th, 2006. It said, call Mike. And in a manila envelope in the backpack was a piece of paper with Mike's new cell phone number on it.

Shut. So already they're like, so Ed Haffey knows Mike, and something's going on here. So Ed Haffey, our attacker, who is now dead. Had diabetes. He, I think he did. From drinking her syrup. He had lived in a trailer on Northeast Killingsworth Street in Portland. That's ironic.

Right? That is a little creepy. And people who knew him said told police that he had been raised in an upper middle class home and was an avid tennis player his whole life before he just went down the tube. Before he decided to be a fucking hitman? Yeah, because he also had a gnarly rap sheet. Court records showed that he, 15 years earlier on February 28, 1991, had arranged the murder of his ex-girlfriend, 39-year-old Georgia Lee Dutton. Did he succeed?

Her decomposed body was later found along the Umpgwa River in Rosenberg. He ended up pleading guilty to conspiracy to commit aggravated murder on March 14, 1994. and he spent nine years in Eastern Oregon Correctional Institution. That's it? And was released on November 3rd, 2003. For planning to murder something, he got nine years. It's amazing how little people get punished for, like arranging murders. Like, it's crazy.

That's insane. Oh, yeah. And after he got out on November 3rd, 2003, he moved to Portland and he needed a job. So you get out of prison and he needed a job. Well, in July 2004, a guy named Mike Kuhnhausen hired him. And he hired him to clean floors at Fantasy Adult Video. So he was already a violent guy. He was already evil as fuck.

And he was also desperate for cash and addicted to crack as well. So he was the perfect guy to do what Mike needed him to do. Now, during his autopsy, because remember he's dead. It became known that he had a near lethal dose of cocaine in his system when he attacked. So that's why he was so fucking strong. So that's why he was so like just coming back and coming back. And also adrenaline, I'm sure it was like a total mix of everything. A lethal amount of cocaine?

Yeah. So he was like near lethal dose. So he was just like. That's a lot of cocaine. Really going for it. And records from that day show that Mike drove to the coast that day of the attack. Uh-huh. He checked into the Lincoln's.

city in with a credit card that afternoon and he returned to Portland that same night, spent $339 on a torus 357 Magnum Revolver at the Silver Lining Pond Shop on Northeast Sandy Boulevard the next day.

He bought a gun the next day? Yes. You'll see why. They're now building a case to connect Mike with the murder for hire plot. So on September 8th, two days after the attack, the news media started circulating the story everywhere. It was everywhere.

Right. And police had already located the backpack full of evidence linking him to the crime. Right. So Mike on September 8th leaves a suicide note at his father's house. And he says, quote, all I ever wanted was to be loved and every time I had it, I fucked it up. Yeah, you did. It's like, I'm sorry. You hired a hitman to kill your wife. You call this fucking it up. Have you read any marriage books? This is like the most epic fuck up. Chapter one, don't hire a hitman to kill your wife. Well, and then he immediately ran.

He went on the run. Oh, I hope he doesn't get to tell us off. So police put out a bulletin for him, obviously. They're like, yo, this dude's out. Right. At 10 a.m. on September 13th, a Clackamas County Sheriff's deputy caught up with Mike. Oh, thank God.

I'm so, so happy. They caught up with him in the private. parking garage of Kaiser Sunnyside Medical Center. And Mike claimed that he was going to be checking himself in for psychiatric help. Yeah, okay, buddy. And he said, quote, I have nothing to live for anymore. So they put him in an involuntary psychic holds. And 11 hours later, he was put under arrest for a conspiracy to commit murder.

Right. Now, it was later learned that Mike had tried to hire three other people to do this. And they all turned him down before he got. to Haffee. Now, once he was arrested, it was clear that he had a motive for doing this. Now, Mike had lost his job weeks earlier. Oh. He had no place to live.

Susan was divorcing him. Susan named her brother as beneficiary on her life insurance policy. Uh-huh. And Mike knew that. Well, feel free to do that for me. Right? But, but Susan and Mike had paid off their house, and it was worth like three. hundred thousand dollars and if susan died that house went to him oh so he tried to say he didn't know

halfie at all to the police and the police were like yeah we already have employment records dumbass like we know that you hired him and worked with him but take another bite of your shitty sandwich like take another bite of your shit sandwich and he'd go into jail so they were like yeah we know that you hired him and you know him and all that could stop lying and that's when he changed his story and was like okay so i know him just because i know the guy doesn't mean i did anything thing. Yeah, but we saw in his and they were like, call Mike. No, you did.

Like, just say it. Make our lives a little bit easier. Like, do we have to do this game with you? So aside from all the evidence they already had, there was also no sign of forced entry at Susan's home. Right. So obviously somebody knew the thing. Exactly. And security record showed that someone had disabled the alarm while Susan was at work.

Yep. And Mike tried to cover this by saying he did it while dropping off the note about going to the beach. But they were like, no. because it would rearm. And this was all confirmed because on September 18th, a former cellmate of Haffey's, the attacker, contacted the police out of nowhere and was like, that dude, Haffey, asked me to join a job,

which was a burglary or an insurance scam. And he said, he and Haffey had met a guy at Southeast 82nd Street and Division Street. That guy was Mike Kuhnhausen. No. Because he was like, oh, I saw him on the news. I definitely met with that guy. Oh, my God.

And he said, the man told him, Mike told him that he would pay him $5,000 if he helped Haffee kill his wife. Wow. And this inmate guy was like, and I said no, because like one, no and two, $5,000. He's like, that's all you're going to give me? That's all you're going to give me? Give me for killing someone? How much the hitman normally get?

Is there a going rate? I would think more than $5,000. I would. Google it, but I'm like, I don't look that on my Google search. Yeah, I'm not going to Google that. I'm willing to bet that people need more than $5,000 to kill people if you're professional him in. Yeah. So on November 17th, another witness told police that he'd driven Haffey, the attacker, to meet a bald man in the parking lot of an Applebee's near Interstate 205. Days after that, this person saw the man's picture on the news and was like, oh shit, that's, that's,

That was Mike Coonhausen. So all these witnesses are being like, oh yeah, that was the dude that was trying to do with you. Wow, he was sloppy as fuck about this. And now Susan filed for divorce the day after Mike was arrested, which like, good for you, Susan. She is bad bitching all over the damn place. And she is not even like laying down. She's not even taking a deep breath. Like she just went through hell.

And she's already being like, nope, got to file for divorce. Got to do this. Like, she's on it. They say a woman who changes her hair. is about to change her life. That's Susan. Go, go Susan. So when she got the chance to finally face Mike at the trial,

what did she say? Which must have been unbelievable. She brought a microphone and dropped it when she was down. 100%. She said, quote, you were willing for me to share your small, miserable life until death we did part. The sooner the better, as it turns out. And at the end of the statement, she said, quote,

I am damaged by what you have done to me. I am damaged, but I am not destroyed. Yes. And I'm just like, ugh. I got a little goosebumps. Now, Michael, Mike pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit murder, like we said, and was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Oh, my fucking, right? That's it.

Right? That's insane. That's really insane to me. So then 10 years from now, what she's going to be, like, retired and freaking out? And it's like, he is evil, man. So what happens? So you were sentenced to 10 years in prison. after the sentencing, Susan sued him for $1 million.

Yeah, she did. Because she said she wanted to make sure he didn't have enough money to hire another hitman to finish the job. Oh my God, amazing. Yeah, she's just, I can't. And then she went into the witness protection program. So Mike was set to be released September 14th, 2014. Now, Susan's life changed while he was in jail, obviously, but it didn't necessarily change for the better at first. I'm sure she said, paranoid.

Yeah, she said she was. she felt like, quote, a broken plate glued back together. She said she sat in restaurants where she could, it's only way if she could see the door. She switched all her driving routes. I mean, she circled, she would circle around before going home to make sure nobody was following her. And at the time she said, quote, I'm doing a life sentence for picking a bad husband. Yeah. And that's the thing.

It's like, even though he's in jail, how do I know he's not hiring somebody from jail to do this again? Because people do that all the time. So by 2014, when he was set to come out, she had moved to a new Portland home. And it was like out of the way. She was very secretive. And she said she surrounded her house with gravel. So she would hear footsteps if anybody approached. Yeah.

And she said she went to a shooting range constantly. Yeah. She learned how to shoot. She was like, I'm going to fucking protect myself. Have you seen the Halloween remake? No. She must have been like Jamie Lee Curtis. There you go.

And she said, quote, if he came here, he was not going to get close enough to hurt me. She was. When he comes out of prison. Oh my God. And his name is Michael. Whoa. Get the fuck out of here.

That's weird. Luckily, Susan didn't have to really worry because on Friday the 13th of June in 2014, Mike died in prison of natural causes. Yes. Ninety-two days before he was supposed to walk out of prison free. Wow. Yep. So 92 days before he was supposed to go free and probably,

probably terrorize her for the rest of her life. Oh, absolutely. He just up and dies. Good, good night. Which is like, thank goodness. Susan finally, she said, quote, I don't mourn his passing. Duh.

Instead, I mourn the life he could have had. If only he could have opened his heart to those of us who cared about him. And she said that she was sad that he died in prison, quote, so far away from any of us who had ever loved him. Wow. So she even still had it in her soul to be like, he fucked up, he's a fucked up person,

but it's sad that he couldn't understand that people did love him. I will never be that grown. Like, I'll never be that grown. I don't think Susan, Susans do not grow on trees, everybody. Like, that is just, there are not many Susan's around. No.

But she does say that right now, she says that she is, quote, rich in all things that count. And she says that she celebrates, she said, quote, I celebrate every one of my bonus days. In fact, every one of my bonus breaths I celebrate. Oh my God. Like, are you kidding me? Susan, you're beautiful. Well, she is a wonderful. She continued working as a nurse until December 2014, so the year that he died and was supposed to come out. And she's known as a hero now. Duh. But she actually had a ton

of trouble with that and she still does because of the fact that she had to kill a man to survive. Yeah, that will stay with you, I'm sure. This just shows what kind of human she is because she was meant to be a nurse, obviously, because she clearly has so much empathy and so much respect for human life, and yet she was forced into a position where she had

to end a life that normally she would be breaking her own back to save at all costs. So that must have really, for somebody who's just done that their whole life, and that's their calling, and everything, it's like, that must really fight with you. So she, and another quote from her is she said, quote, if you can't run and you can't hide, you have to fight.

You don't know that you won't survive. Wow. So she's literally like, don't fucking give up ever. And she says that each year on the day of her attack, she celebrates. Hell yeah. Because she celebrates that she was brave enough to take a chance on her own life. Wow. What does she do?

Susan. What does she do? I don't know exactly. She didn't reveal what, because this was in an interview that I saw. with her and they asked her like what do you do on that day and she was like I celebrate because she's like I took a chance on my own life she said and she said she tries not to think of it

as like she took a life yeah she says I chose to live that's what she did that is a trip just as a lasting thing that's like this one little statistic like really I was like whoa nearly one in four homicides

in Oregon involve intimate partners one out of four yeah isn't that crazy so that is the crazy survival story of Susan Kuhnhausen bananas yeah like she is

bananas let's all just worship her everybody can we have a round of applause yeah well if you want to write us an email about Susan you can do that at Mormon podcast at email.com. If you want to follow us on Twitter to see pictures of Susan. A morbid podcast. If you want to join our Facebook group and talk about Susan. Morbid, colon, a true crime podcast. If you would like to donate in Susan's living memory to our Patreon, you can do so at patreon.

Patreon.com slash morbid podcast. And if you'd like to check out our website and maybe think about Susan while you're doing so, you can do so at. Morbid Podcast. We hope you keep listening. And we hope you keep it weird. As weird as weird as Susan. Keep it Susan. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Good night. Susan. Bye.