Morbid - November Bonus Episode Twilight Is Weird

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

In November's BONUS EPISODE, Ash and Alaina deep dive into the cinematic masterpiece/disaster/fever dream known as Twilight. Yes, THAT Twilight. The one where a 100-year-old immortal creature gaslights a teenager into thinking she smells weird. Buckle up weirdos!Check out Why We Love (and Hate) Twilight: The Highs and Lows of the Iconic Vampire Series by Sarah Elizabeth Gallagher.  Cowritten by Alaina Urquhart, Ash Kelley & Dave White (Since 10/2022)Produced & Edited by Mikie Sirois (Since 2023)Research by Dave White (Since 10/2022), Alaina Urquhart & Ash KelleyListener Correspondence & Collaboration by Debra LallyListener Tale Video Edited by Aidan McElman (Since 6/2025) Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Oh, and the full moon turns, but that's when I'll come home. That's such a fucking banger. It is a banger. Should we just start the episode like that? I feel like we should. Hey, weirdos, I'm Ash. And I'm Elena. And this is Twilight Morbid.

Yeah, this is our bonus episode. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Guys, we're going to be talking about Twilight today. Oh my God, re-watching this. Okay, first of all, the, I feel like this all started, like, around Halloween. I came over to record something late night. And I was like, yeah, thanks a lot for making me come over here late night because I was just watching Twilight. And Elena stopped dead in her tracks and she goes, why were you watching Twilight?

And I was like, I just wanted to watch it. And she goes, no. earlier, I was watching Twilight for no fucking reason either. For no reason it just hit me. I was like, I want to watch Twilight and just, I want to watch that camp classic again. Like, why on the same day did the, like, it wasn't in a movie lineup. I was just like searching through movies. Or you know what? I was probably searching for like Halloween movies and it was in there and I was like a Halloween movie. Twilight? Yeah. I was like, you know what I'm going to fucking watch it. Let's put on some Twilight.

And then we were talking about it and on the pod. You guys came through. And you guys said do it. You guys came through in a big way. Yes. A big way. I have, we've been knee-deep in Twilight. I'm really hoping that you guys dig this episode because I'm really hoping that you will allow us to do the rest of the movies and the rest of the books. Here's the thing. It's going to be fun.

Even if you guys don't like this, I'm just going to pretend that you did. We're still going to do it. I think you're going to be down for it. I think you're going to love it. We've been knee-deep in it. I mean, there's so many things to watch on TikTok about it, so many interviews with the cast. And then there's this book.

I had followed this person on TikTok. Her name's Sarah Elizabeth Gallagher. That book is... It's amazing. It's a gold mine. The book is Why We Love and Hate Twilight, the highs and lows of the Twilight saga. I had followed her on TikTok because she organically came up on my feet

and was just talking about something. I think the first thing I saw was her. talking about how like it's real weird that like Stephanie Meyer has like an illustrated guide to Twilight and wrote in that illustrated guide. It's not weird that she has a guide, but it's weird that she wrote that like, and we'll get into it, that all the pigment gets leached out of your skin when you become a vampire and was very clear on the fact that you are white no matter what ethnicity you are. Yeah, I would classify that as big fucking weird. And when that popped up on my feet, I said, I'm interested. I immediately started following. Tell me everything, sister. So,

Right off the bat, she's a great follow. She's very interesting. She's really deep in it. And this book, Why We Love and Hate Twilight. We'll link it in the show notes because it's a really fun. It's a quick read. It's a fun read. It's hilarious.

She goes into, and all the books, the whole series, all the movies. Like, she has some really funny takes in here. Highly recommend it. But also a gold mine for anything you really, if you start wanting to just go down the rabbit hole, because let me tell you. I don't know. I don't even think we got to go all the way down. We went so far.

It's been like a few days that we've spent just in the twilight. In the trenches. Rabbit hole. And I could go for like aeons longer. And if we get, we'll do the other movies and we'll go even deeper. But I can't wait. If you're really interested, definitely check out cast interviews because holy shit. Robert Pattinson in particular.

I was just going to say. Robert Pattinson fucking hates these movies. His interviews are wild. And he hates these. the book. He literally was like, when I first read it, I felt like I was reading, like, Stephanie's diary and I was like, this is really fucking weird. Yeah, he was like, I shouldn't be reading this. I don't think anybody should read this. It's wild. And so that's interesting. And then Stephanie Myers has had and maintained a website throughout the process, even before the books were

published, where it's a treasure trove of interesting things. It's like an archive. It's all archive. There's like fan casting that she wanted for the movie. for the movies, which is very interesting. It's still up there. She wanted Henry Cavill to play Edward really bad. Not for me. She wanted that so bad. I said he was just born, 40.

You can't play a 17-year-old. Even in 2008. I feel like the picture of him as 17. He looks younger. He just isn't what I pictured. He's not what I picture at all. But also, we were just like, transparently. It's embedded in our heads that it's Robert Pattinson.

And not even because transparently for me. I love Robert Pattinson. I think he's wildly handsome and I really like him. I remember watching the movie and when he first came on, I was like disappointed. That's not what I pictured.

And I wasn't disappointed because he's ugly or something or like unattractive. He just wasn't what I pictured in my head. Yeah. And so I was like, I was like, damn, that sucks. Like that's not what I thought.

He became more Edward to me as it went on. Yeah. But like, I remember being like pretty, and actually, John, shout out to John, he went to the first Twilight movie with me because he's a real one. Yeah. And I remember just looking at him and being like, that's not who I thought Edward was.

And he was like, what? He's like, I'm sorry. Why are you upset about this? I feel like we must have had such a different experience reading these for the first time because you read these at 22, which must have been like quite the adventure. I read them. The books came out in 2005. 2005.

So I was just out of high school. Well, I think I read them like when the movie started to come up because it started to them ahead of time. Okay. It started to be like a craze. I read them when I was like 12. So even just like the age that you were when you read them, I mean. Like yeah, it must have been so different for us because. Because I was like 18 or something. I was like 19. I think I was like prime fucking age for these books because I thought they were just next level. Next level. And I mean like props to her. These books, they hooked everybody. Yeah. So like I'm not I'm not out here saying like these are there. They're, I want to reread them because I think it will be a very interesting total reread.

I know. I wish I still had mine. I still have mine. Do you really? Yeah, they're floating around. So, like, I'm definitely going to be rereading them. And, like, props to her for, she told a story. She told a story. She told a story. She told a little too far into explaining. Yeah. The lore. I mean, she told a good story. And she did. She told a good ass story. Where I think she might have dipped into some issues is where she went a little too far into explaining the lore. and the backstories. Sometimes I think you just, you know, you don't need it. Sometimes I don't need it. It's like when you overag a pudding. That's the thing. Sometimes it's like, I think just letting the readers and the fans come up with their own head canons and kind of take things from little bits and pieces you give them is the best way to do it.

Because then it becomes their story. And it's like they can kind of be, but when you're giving them too much, you're putting a little too much of your own personal likes and dislikes into the story. story and that can get hairy as it does here. I mean, we just told you that the harriest it could possibly get. It gets pretty hairy. Yeah. So this, the movie came out in 2008, the first movie. Like I said, the first book, the first book was published in 2005.

According to her website, I'm pretty sure she, like, wrote, like, first of all, she had a dream. That's where this all came from. The dream is very interesting to me. I'm not, I'm not, like, sitting here questioning her reality. But she said what happened was she had a dream. And this dream was she was watching two people in a meadow. Like she just,

the dream was two people that weren't her in this meadow. And they were talking, you know, they were an impossibly beautiful boy and a very average looking girl. Which like, damn. Which I was like, okay. And sure. And they were talking about how in love they were, but how it was going to be hard because he was a vampire and all this shit.

And she just was like, I got to know what's up with these two. That's interesting. And I'm not here to maybe other people dream this way. I never dream where I'm watching a movie in my dream. I'm always part of the dream. I'm not like watching two people have a conversation ever. I'm always part of. I'm in the mix in my dreams. Like I'm always part of what's going on. Like even like because the butcher in the wren, my first book, I had a dream when I was pregnant and I was being chased in the dream by somebody. Like you were the rent. Like I was being chased. And I was like, who the fuck is. that guy. Right. I was actively in the dream. And again, that's just how I dream. I don't know if other people dream and I would be curious to hear you guys. Do you guys ever dream where you're watching other people exist and you're just no part of the dream? Yeah. Because if you, I'm very interested in. I'm sure people probably do because dreams are so fucking weird. Even people like that right in their stories to us about their dreams in general. They're always fucking crazy. But I always, I'm always involved in mine, but maybe it's different. But to this is. This is.

that's how this started. She wanted to know these two people. She wanted to like flesh out this story, which is cool. Very cool. Especially when you get a part of the story in the dream and you're like, well, now I want to know more. Like why can't you be together? What's that about? So she, I think she said that she did all of this, dreamt it, wrote it, edited it, published it in like six months. Which is crazy. Beyond my wildest imagination. Because it's a pretty solid length. It's a thick ass book. And it's, how many pages of it? How many pages is it? Holy shit.

It varies by addition, but the original hardcover had 544 pages and the paperback had 498. Yeah. That's a big old book. That's a big, beefy book. So it's like, that's really, that's wild. I just remember walking around like 6th and 7th grade and everyone in the hallway had one fucking part of that series in their hands. I was always reading that shit.

Yeah, I remember, I vividly remember. tearing through these books. Yeah. Which is funny because I've been trying to get back in, I've been on like such a horror and thriller kick, which I love. I will stay horror thriller forever. Are you about to say something that I was thinking about the other day? I'm interested.

I was so involved in these books that I'm like, I should give some of these kind of books a chance more. Like, you know? Fantasy kind of thing. Yeah, like more fantasy stuff because I love that stuff. It's so funny. I started a thriller the other day and it's not bad by any means, but I was just like, I can't get into this. And it's not the book. Because it's been like a couple times lately that I've

picked up some thrillers and I'm like, I think I need a genre switch. Yeah, sometimes you get trapped in a genre for sure. Like I love, I'll never get sick of horror. No. Like I will say I can read a horror book every day for the rest of my life and I'll be happy. But in like thriller I love to and like I love those, but I do think sometimes you need to like switch it around. Well, this going back to this made me remember how obsessed I was with this series. and wanting to know what happened next and like being very involved in it. And the rules of like vampire world. Yeah, and just liking the lore and liking like this whole like fantasy world that was going on.

And then even when you get into like, and hopefully we can get into it next time more, but like when you get into New Moon and you start to learn like Jacob's tribe, like all those rules. Yeah, when that starts being brought in, which also is like a wild thing that she kind of like found this Quilute tribe. And it's like a little bit of like taking their legends and turning it into what you wanted to. do. But, you know, here we are. But there's a lot. There's a lot to this. One of the things that she like, Stephanie Meyer, like, readily admits is that she was like fully in love with Edward. And Robert Pattinson also picked up on that character. Yeah. We got to link some of the interviews. We do. Because he did an interview with E. The interviewer looked like he wanted his chair to

swallow him. Oh, he, because it was for the Twilight film. Like, Twilight is right behind him. It's like a press junket. And he's asking about it. And Robert Pattinson is like, yeah, it felt when I read the book, I was kind of like, I feel like I'm reading Stephanie's journal. And she like, and he literally says like sexual fantasies about this, this Edward character. This fictional character. And he's like, and he's like, and I thought this woman's mad. Like she's in love with her fictional character. And I was like, oh my God. Yeah, he really, he called them out 2020. If you remember. It was, and this, he's, he's Edward. Like, he's Edward. Like, he's Edward. Long term, babe.

Like, that is... No switch around. It's wild. And he says, he was like, this just felt like... And he even said it felt like she is Bella and she saw herself as Bella. Well, and I think she has kind of admitted to that. Like, pieces of her are Bella. Which, like, makes that you...

You write what you know. You write what you know. It's a very normal thing for an author to do. It's just you do that naturally sometimes. I was going to say you probably do it without even thinking. Because I don't know, like, even when you wrote Butcher in the Red, you didn't set out to make yourself rent. No. You're pretty much rent.

But, like, you're pretty much rent. But, like, you're pretty much rent. like pieces of me are there and then i always say like pieces of what i i aspire to be are rent yeah that makes sense but like with bella i think she said like that it's not her but bell's physical description is literally her and then i think that we read something on her own website actually that said um because one of the frequently asked questions is why is everybody so obsessed with bella which is a very valid question because it's like the way she describes her like she's a very average looking girl Like she's pretty, but, you know, not like remarkable in any big way.

And she moves to forks and men are falling at her feet. Literally, every single man and boy in that place is falling over themselves for her. It's crazy. A boy crashes his car for her. Literally crashes his car. Not really for her, almost at her. But still, he's losing it. He is.

And they all are. But she said that that was basically. basically modeled after an experience that she had in her life where I think she said she went to high school in Scottsdale, Arizona. Yeah. And then I think it was Utah that she moved to for college. Like I think she said, I think it's Utah. And in college, she had this experience where like all these boys became obsessed with her. Yeah. Yeah. And like it was a great experience. And she was saying, like, I think it's like relative to where you're at. Yeah. Like, you know, who falls at your feet. Yeah, like she was like, oh, I just became like a 10.

She said she was humble. She said she became an 8. She became an 8. Excuse me. I said Stephanie. I was like, damn. Be a 10, girl. Be a 10, be a 10 that you feel you are.

Yeah. She's a damn. She's a demon. It was a wild. It was a very like shocking answer to the question because it's just like, why is every boy falling all over themselves for Bella? And she's like, because that's my experience. Then it's like, whoa.

All right. Damn, girl. Here we are, I guess. Damn. Go to the website, please. Please go to the website. We're just going to go through and kind of talk about all the things that we noticed while watching it. Talk about a little bit about the books.

One of the first things I thought of, and I remembered it when I saw it somewhere when I was looking around, I was like, oh my God, I forgot about this. Was that in the book? It doesn't happen in the movie, but in the book, Bella straight up passes out during their first kiss. Yeah, I also forgot that. She just chaos during their first kiss. Peace out. She said that was so sick.

Bye. Can you imagine how fucking embarrassing that would be? Well, and also, it's interesting because as Sarah Gallagher points out in her book and on like TikTok and stuff, in the illustrated guide, which you can get on Amazon. It's like Stephanie Meyer's like official illustrated guide. It's her look at this whole thing. In the illustrated guide, it says that like there's this whole section that says like what are the, What are the vampires like bodily fluids essentially? She says venom, right?

Venom-based fluids. Facts. She doesn't go deeply into what these venom-based fluids are, but they are every fluid in the vampire's body. In their stomach, in their mouth, their saliva is venom-based. Their eyes are lubricated with venom-based fluid, but they don't cry tears. What? They cry to them?

But it's just to allow their eyes to, like, move around. Okay. And then like between their cells is venom-based fluids. It's everything. Just venom everywhere. Not even blood. When they drink blood, they just absorb it into their body. Everything else is venom.

Okay. So their saliva is venom. So they also don't have fangs. Like regular fangs. Their teeth are just sharp. Like the edges are just really sharp. Wait, why don't I remember that? They don't have fangs.

They don't have fangs. I did see one, like a few people say, like when we were looking at TikToks that she didn't write vampire. She wrote Faye. honestly valid because these aren't like traditional vampires. Because she created her own like monster. Yeah. Quote unquote.

Right. Because their teeth are indestructible and just really sharp. What I would fucking give. I know what all of us would give. What I would give for indestructible teeth. But the thing is when Bella and Edward kiss for the first time and when they kiss in the future after that, it has to be closed mouths. Yeah. Because if she opens her mouth, saliva comes in.

That's venom-based. That would turn her into a vampire. Right. Because that's how, like, you give the venom. Like, they have to, like, take it. So when she passes out after that first kiss, it's from a tight-lipped closed-mouth kiss. So is she just really fucking excited? Girlfriend, was she just super nerviosa before?

It's just wild? Yeah. Because you really have to think about that they're just furiously massaged. their mouths together. That's deeply upsetting. It's like a seventh grade. Like that is something to really think about. It's actually not something to like super, super think about. I want you to think about it so hard. I don't, I don't subscribe to that. Another thing off of that is that they're supposedly like made like they're like stone. Yeah. Like porcelain. Yeah. Yeah. I know where you're going. You know where I'm going. I got to hide for this one. I'm going to my sweatshirt. Edward does all the

things if you will notice. He has so many hobbies. He has so many hobbies. He can play a piano. He knows languages. He can be able to read. He can. All of this shit. Like he just thought he's real good. And the way he got so good at that. No. Because at one point, and it's later, it's in one of the later books and one of the later movies,

after they fuck. After they fuck. So it's got to be breaking dawn then. Yeah. When they break the bed. Bella, exactly. Bella is like, hey, how are we ever going to stop fucking though? Like, and then she was like, you know, your family seems so normal. Like, how do they do it? I think, aren't they having that conversation, like, while they're still fucking,

technically. While they're still connected? Yeah. Yeah. And that's how Sarah put it. He basically is like, they, you haven't seen them at night. And he's like, why do you think I'm so good at so many things? Yeah.

And when you really, like, Sarah pointed this out, she was like, just to be clear, that means that they're just fucking all the time. Mm-hmm. And remember, they're made of like stone porcelain. So she literally took two porcelain bowls and just clanks them. It's so upset.

And then points out that, remember, he can read everyone's thoughts. So he can hear what they're thinking during this. Why wouldn't you just leave? I would, like,

go flyabouts the trees. Go fly about the trees. Because one thing about Edward is he is the tree by the tree by the. Truly. He is sitting in trees. He is one with the trees.

He is trees. Fly about the trees. Get out of there. My child. I don't. Don't learn them. I mean, it's cool that you learn skills while everybody was fucking, but like, go to the library and learn them. Just do something else. Like, what the fuck? Get out of there. And it's like your weird siblings, but they're like not your sibling. No, okay. Can we talk about that a little bit? Because it is fucking weird. And that's pretty much like, like the very beginning of the movie. Like Jessica is explaining to, uh, I almost just said Kristen Stewart, to Bella, that Dr. Carlyle like adopted all.

all of these kids and then they all paired up. I'm like, yeah, if someone told me in high school that all these foster brother and sisters just fucked each other in their foster dad's house, I'd be like, I feel like somebody should get called about this. Somebody should call someone. Like that's, they're all just coupled up. He's running a brothel essentially. He essentially is. Hello? And what's crazier is he, like when you go into that illustrated guide. Yeah. There's so, I'm begging you. I need to get that. I will. Go into it. I will. Go into it. Because she describes that, like, first of all, Esme met Carlisle. Esme, the mom, quote unquote, met Carlisle when she was a child.

Oh. And was, like, really sick or something. And he was the doctor that was called to take care of her. And she became infatuated with him. And so later, when he comes and, like, turns her, they get together romantically. That's fucked up. He knew her as a child. Yeah, that's fucked up.

And she was obsessed with him as a child. Remember, this is not me making this up. This is in Stephanie Meyer's illustrated guide in which she willingly handed us the backstories of these family. That is beyond fizzity, fizzity fucked. So there's that. There's always that. There's that. What the hell?

And then there is Rosalie. So there's Edward. So he changed Edward. Edward. Edward was like 17. Okay, wait, can I interrupt you there? Big fucking problem already with that. Because they say, I don't remember if they say it in the books, they probably do. But they say in the movie that Jasper is like the youngest member of the family and that's

why he's so bloodthirsty. That's just simply incorrect because for everybody who forgot, Jasper's a fucking Confederate soldier. Oh, we're going to get into that. Don't worry. And Edward got turned during the Spanish influenza, which was after the Confederate, like war. So that is explained a little bit.

Is it? She's not the youngest. He's the most... He's having trouble still with the whole vegetarian thing. He has been a vegetarian. Yeah, like a vampire vegetarian. Like they only have animal blood. He's been doing that with this family for 50 plus years by the time we see him.

Yeah. And he still just like is having trouble dealing with it. because his whole backstory, which is so fucked up. Before I get to Jasper's backstory, let me get to Edward. So, no, sorry, I interrupted you. Edward is turned and he's, you know, kind of Carlisle sees himself in Edward essentially. Yeah, Carlisle's only supposed to be 23, by the way. He's 23 when he was turned.

That's not true. 23. Shut up. So he kind of sees this, like Edward, he sees like he kind of, they bond really like a lot. Also, I'm sorry. This fucking 23. three-year-old foster dad with a bunch of 17-year-old kids fucking paired off and fucking in his house.

Like, so many authorities would, there would be an FBI raid at this foster home. So many. But go continue, please. He wants to find him like a partner because he's like, I want you to have someone you love. Because I guess the whole idea is that, um, do they like mate for eternity? They mate. Like they have a mate. And also, if you're like a vegetarian vampire essentially, you are more likely to form bombs because you are not like tainted by killing someone.

That's kind of funny. Like there's more humanity. What's also like touched upon in the last episode of True Blood that we covered. Yeah. Which we'll get to that as well. That's just kind of like vampire lore. And so he wants him to find somebody. So he turns Rosalie initially.

For Edward. Because he's like, oh, she's for Edward. I think I remember that. Like digging each other. They just like each other as like brother and sister. Oh my God. You're like unlocking my memories. I hyper fixated on this.

No, I love it. I love your hyper fixations. And he changed like Rosalie's story is that whole like, you know, she was the prettiest girl in all of New York City or whatever. Rosalie's backstory fucking wins. It's pretty great. It's the best. It's horrifying. Like what?

Her vengeance. She gets like paired off with like this wealthy banker's son. Is it Royce? Royce. And he and his friends one night when she's coming home from her friend's house literally assaulted. and rape her and leave her for dead on the street. Yeah. And so she comes back and it's like, because Carlisle saves her. And then she comes back and literally kills them all,

like tortures them all, and then shows up to Royce wearing a wedding dress. Last. And it's in the movie, which we don't see it in the first movie, so I won't go too far into it because I'm trying to stay. I think it's an eclipse. It's iconic. Yeah, we'll get to that.

But so there's that. And then there's Alice and Jasper. Alice was in like an institution because she had, seen visions already and they thought she was crazy. Yep. So she ends up becoming a vampire because one of the people in the institution change her. And then Jasper, let's get, let's get into Jasper. Honey. So also Rosalie's name was originally going to be Carol. Listen, there's nothing wrong with the name Carol. Like that's a beautiful name, but Carol,

Carol. Carol Cullen. I'm Carol. I'm Carol Cullen. And then Jasper was originally Ronald. I don't even hate that. Ronald and Alice is kind of cute. But he's Jasper now. And I'm not past Carol yet. You didn't give me enough time with that. Rosalie's name was going to just be Carol. Okay.

I thought it went from Carol to Rosalie. Like Rosalie, both beautiful names. Very different names. Vastly different. Carol. Like imagine. I don't get it. I don't get it.

I don't know why that's true. fucking love it is. But let's get into fucking Jasper for a moment. Everybody's waiting with baited breath. Everybody take a motherfucker's seat. If you went on the edge of their seat. Jasper's defining quality is that he's a very proud Confederate soldier. And that's not funny.

No, it's just that she did this with her whole chest. And is it one of the things too that you, I don't, where did you? you read I have so much. Okay, go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Go. Go. I know exactly what you're talking about. But they can't change. So for jazz. So she is, Stephanie Myers, Meyer, is very open about the fact that she does not

like research. That becomes abundantly clear. Because also Carlisle's backstory is that he was just chilling around in the sewers of London and 16 something. Yeah. Sewers were not invented or created in London. So there wasn't even, which like, mistakes can be made.

Okay. But wouldn't that be found to, like, copy editing? That's the thing. I'm like, that's a pretty big one. That's hundreds of years. And that was the only egregious, like, okay, shit happens. Like, you missed one thing. People would let it go.

That's fine. But there's a lot of things. But she's very open. She says, I don't like research. I don't like to do a lot of research for it. Because she's creating a fantasy world. And this is her world and she's going to make it, which, like, more power to you. Yeah.

But she, and she says, and this is a quote, the only time I really did any research on vampires was when the character Bella did research on vampires because I was creating my own world. I didn't want to find out just how many rules I was breaking. Get that. Totally get that. Yeah.

But one thing she did do research for is Jasper's name. And for Jasper's name, when she was like, Ronald isn't working for me, she said she searched roll calls for the Confederate Army in Texas. and found Jasper. So that's the one she rooted in reality was that Confederate soldier's name. Yeah. Which is not great.

And before everybody comes to us and like gets really angry at us and says, you know, like, not all Confederate soldiers were racist. Oh, I have an answer for you for that. Go ahead. Go ahead. Because yeah, totally. Absolutely sure. Why not live in that?

But Jasper really fucking wanted to be a Confederate soldier. Jasper sought this experience out. He did. He very much sought this experience. Jasper worked with a travel advisor for a Confederate war. So you're talking about the people that are fighting for the Confederacy that were forced into it. Yes. Like forced into it at a young age, like didn't want to be part of it. Like just happened to live there and had to fight for that side.

Which like, what the fuck? But Jasper literally lied about his age to become a Confederate soldier and said he was so fucking excited about it. He talks about he is the youngest captain in the Texas cavalry all the time. He was rising the rank. Like he was Confederate soldiering to the highest order. And like I think in eclipse he really starts because they have to like fight the army and we'll get there when we cover it. He gets real so into it. And he like heads part of the training.

And it's like you have a Confederate soldier training you. Yep. That's an issue. And what makes here's more. added on to it. So there's that. He talks about it all the time. Like he,

that's his thing. He's very, not in the first movie. You don't hear about it in the first movie and the first, like it's, it comes later.

But just to know his character going forward. Again, he's been drinking animal blood for like 50 plus years, but he's still feral as fuck. And it's because he was like a fucking monster

when he was up, and he like killed a lot of people. And then when he got turned into a vampire, whoever turned him, I think it's like somebody, Maria, maybe. turned out. Oh, yeah.

She used him to like hunt newborn vampires. And after they couldn't use them anymore, he had to kill them. So he was just killing. Reckless. Like killing, killing, killing, killing for like almost the entire time he was alive. Essentially he's a psychopath. So 50 plus years of drinking animal blood, he's still not. It hasn't busted out that killer instinct of him, which makes sense.

But she did this thing where she gives some of the vampire's special ability. only some of them. So some of them don't have them. Alice, she had a special ability when she was a human. She was like kind of psychic. She could see things happening. So it like translated.

Edward, he can read minds. But like Rosalie doesn't have one. Like a few of the other ones don't have one. Yeah. Jasper has one. And it's that he is wildly empathetic. He can literally feel what other people are feeling. And not once.

Does she have him say? And you know what? I think I was on the wrong side. Not what. He can literally feel what someone else is feeling. He's crazy. And he still has not come to the conclusion that maybe it wasn't that sick that he was a Confederate soldier. Yeah.

That's just crazy. They're really just like low-key trying to conform him to like good vampire side. Yeah. But he was born to be a terrible murderer vampire. And it's just weird to like, because I'll like, you got to have him fight for the union. it's the same time period. Like you really wanted to do that. Or you didn't even have to involve that.

You didn't have to be a soldier. Yeah. And also it's like, or have if you want to make him a redeemable character, then have him come, say it with verbalize, I, because also in the illustrated guide, again, go look at it. In the illustrated guide, she says that he has like, because they all have like a million degrees because they've been around for like 100 years. Yeah.

He has degrees in philosophy and history. And not once has he said. out loud. I think I fucked up. I think I was on the wrong side. Imagine having to take a course learning about that time period and still not come to that conclusion. But he doesn't. Yeah. That's the thing. It's like, and you didn't, why didn't you make him a redeemable character of him being like, wow, I was educated and I learned that like I have a lot of making up to do because I was on the wrong side of history. Wouldn't that like kind of poke a hole in her own lore though? Because you were saying when we were talking about it the other day, that part of it is that they don't

change. That's, see, and that's, that's where her lore kind of, like, fucks itself. That's why revealing too much of the lore kind of backed her into a corner a few times, because it's like, the whole thing is they get frozen when they get turned, frozen in their likes and their dislikes, all that. But they can still be educated. Yeah. And you can still, I think, like, form a different opinion from being educated. But frozen in their likes and dislikes. Well, that's the problem. fucking hits here. And it really fucked this whole thing because it's like he can't be educated. Yeah.

Technically he should be able to be educated. Yeah. It doesn't make a lot of sense. A lot of sense. But yeah, it's really, Jasper is a real fucking, a real fucking problem. He really is. And then like Alice is just like, took you to, like, took you long enough for me to like, I've been waiting for you.

And it's like, you were just waiting around for your Confederate soldier, Alice. Yeah. You're supposed to be our pixie girl. It doesn't really... What's going on there? Does a lot. The illustrated guide will really open eyes to a lot of things. I'm so excited to get it.

And that's where we come into the whole, like, pigment being leached out of your skin when you turn into a vampire. Because that's in the illustrated guide. It's part of the whole, like, it's under, like, pallor, I think, is the section, like the pallor. Why would you need that to be a thing? Yeah, that's the thing. And it says, despite your ethnicity, you will become white. That's really, really, really bad. And it's like, part of the whole thing, too, is you become the most beautiful creature.

I'm going to go ahead and need you to leave that silence in. Leave it in. Also, freckles, tattoos, beauty marks, they all disappear. I would be so fucking pissed. Which as soon as I saw freckles disappear, I was like, oh, is it not beautiful? Freckles disappear, rude. And also, all my fucking tattoos did. Do you know how much money I've spent?

I would be curating this. I would be so my head. I would go out and get them again. Well, also, I'm like, come on. Vampires have to have tattoos. Are you kidding me? It's sexy as hell. Like, let's go, girls.

And vampires do have tattoos because James has one. Yeah. On his hip bone. So, there you go. So lore ruined. Lorne ruined. Because I think they, I think they spent so much of their CGI budget on Edward flying. Absolutely.

And like, I think that's actual fact that they couldn't then remove the tattoo because it was like going to take. too much. Yeah. Well, you might be sitting here saying, well, in the movies, Laurent. Yeah. Not the best fucking vampires. Played by Eddie Gathagie.

And he's fucking phenomenal in that. And he is stunning. I mean, stunning. Yeah. I mean, stunning. Like, truly, that man, when he shows up on the scene, you just go, like, he's one of those. So, like, you say, missed. That's a fredge-ass name.

I said that's a French-ass name right there. And that's the thing. So missed opportunity, first of all, because it's like, look at that man. Yeah, you could have done that many times. You could have had a few more vampire diversity. Yeah, it would have been. And Catherine Hardwick, the director, actually wanted a lot more diversity in the cast, but got pushback from Stephanie Meyer because she said, I created this world.

This is how I see my vampires. This is how I've created the lore. This is how I whitewashed them. And finally agreed that. that Laurent could be darker skinned, but only because he's described. Because she also says that if you have like olive skin, then it will, you'll still go white, but you'll be maybe a little darker. I think we just didn't really need to touch on that stuff.

And so I think Laurent is described as having like a little more olive skin. So she agreed to let him be a black man. And of course, yeah. Yeah, it's a, there's too many implications with that. It's a lot. There's too many implications with that. But all I have to say is that Eddie Gaffigee is one of the best parts of that movie. Yep.

I think he's phenomenal. Yep. And I think he is gorgeous. And the second movie, too. He's like a huge part of that one too. Yeah. And he's so good. He's so likable.

I just think missed opportunities abound there. Yeah. But, yeah, so that's all in the illustrated guide. But, like, just going back to, like, the actual movie because we sat down and watched it and went through. Yeah. Should we go through, like, all of our thoughts on the movie? We'll just go through our thoughts. Oh, the book was originally named Forks.

Yeah, that's hilarious. I understand that Forks, like Forks Washington. But like, hold on, I said Washington so dumb. Forks Washington. Oh, Forks Washington. But to name it Forks would have been diabolical. What's the sequel stuff? Spoons.

Spores. Just one third. Once they get Renezma, it's Sporks because it's like a combo of the two. Yikes. Ew. Yeah, it's a wild one. One thing about the movie that was a real moment for me and I still get it, but when it was happening, it used to happen all the time, is the vampires, the eye color. Yeah.

Used to happen all the time that people would be like, oh, you have, you have cullen eyes or like, are you wearing cullen contacts? And I was like, no, that's just my eyes. Apparently, I'm just a vampire. I think you are. I'm Stephanie Myers vampire, apparently. But contact lenses would actually dissolve in their eyes. Because venom. Because venom.

So they just, their eyes get gold? So even if, because like apparently it's like if, if vampire drinks animal blood, then they get golden eyes. Oh, okay. If they've just recently fed and had animal blood, they have golden eyes. If they've just recently fed off human blood and are satiated, they have bright red eyes. Which is why when they meet Laurentias, they're all bright red. And like all the other vampires, they have super red eyes. And so they said like, if they were trying to hide the red eyes, they could do so with.

contacts, but they would dissolve in their eyes. Eventually, like, after a few hours. So they can't. You could get a few hours out of it, but it would dissolve. Okay. So that's interesting. That's in the illustrated guide. That's in the illustrated guide. How did I know? How did you know? But the vibe of the movies are the best.

They're just good. The vibes. It's like, honestly, the color palette. Yeah. You've really, you've really taken me to a place of color palette. See? It's so cozy with, like, the greens and the rain. It's got a blue tint to things. And one thing about these, all of these movies, I'm pretty sure. Soundtrack.

The soundtrack is, especially for the first one and the second one. Slap. Such banger, banger after banger. That, when it first starts, When the full moon turns white, that's when I'll come home. And then when she's like, when they're driving into forks, there's so many movie sploops that we have to talk about. Oh, yeah.

When that big logging truck passes by. Oh my God, and there's no one driving it. No one's driving it. No one's driving the truth. How did that even happen? How did that even occur? They're pulling into four wheeling. I'm like, what? It's an 18 wheeler that no one is driving. I'm like, did you guys like CGI him out of there somehow? Like who's driving that? Please tell me what happened. What's going on? Also, this is the movie where we get the

ha ha ha ha ha. I think that's like right before Bell. Like it's hit by the car, right? Oh, and it's... Or almost. Perfect. When it goes... Doon, do... Doon, do...

I'm like, ah! Like, it just gets you. Oh, I love it so much. There is something with that. Yeah. I also, again... Supermass of black hole. On my hatch alarm, every morning...

Doon, do, do, do, do, do... And then it starts the... Ha ha. And it's a great way to wake up. I've got to get one. I'll tell you, it's a really great way to wake up. But, yeah. Yeah. Soundtracks, like you said, super massive black hole.

I mean, the Spotlight song. Spotlight is on. We're about to get sued by like 15 different bands. No, we love you. Okay. Yeah, we're singing your praises, literally. But it's so good. And there's, I think she did a good job of stylizing it. Yeah.

Because the books are very, like the books have that like, have way more repression, it feels like, weaved within. Yeah. And the movie kind of makes it a little more like, like, they're dressed better. Yeah. And like, for the most part. And it just all feels a little more like I can, I can go along with this. It's so funny watching it now, though, because I remember, like, when I watched it when I was like 12 or 13, I was like, I need to start dressing like Bella and wear headbands of my hair like Bella does.

and I need to be Bella because boys will love me. Yeah. Bella dresses like shit. Bella dresses like shit. I watched it. When we watched it recently, I was like, what the fuck is she wearing in every scene? She's wearing like bowling shirts over. There's a lot.

It's horrible. A couple of her shirts, I was like, okay, I would have probably worn that. There wasn't one shirt that I was okay with. Yeah, there's a couple that I was like, I feel like I would wear that. That's crazy. Her hair? She says she has great hair. Great hair.

Great hair. I remember being like, that's how I pictured Bella's hair. Not in the, I can't remember if it's, I think it's the third movie. Kristen Stewart had just done fucking, um, the rockin. Oh, the rockin. The Jett. Joan Jett. Yeah, she had just done that.

So she had to cut her hair, like obviously in Joan Jett's hairstyle. So she has one of the worst wigs of all time in that movie. There's some egregious wigs. There are some egregious wigs. Yeah, like there's some. No. Rosalie's wigs. Rosalie's wigs she had to wear because they fucked her hair up so bad after the first movie. Which if you look at her hair in the first movie, she has beautiful hair, but it's fried.

Yeah, you can tell. And we'll get to that when we do the other movie. Yeah, we will. But yeah, it's, I thought the outfits, they're very of the time. Yeah. I remember Edward. I loved his outfits. He's great. He looks great. His p coats. Loved his p coats. Honey. Loved it. I especially love, I think we were, when we were, when we were. watching it. There's a scene when Mike is like trying to ask Bella to prom. And Edward is just

standing in the back. One thing I loved is what an absolute dick Edward was. Yeah. It set us all up. We've been here before. We, we, you know, like this is who I am. Okay. And so I love that he's literally laughing in the background like this guy. Because he could also hear Mike's thoughts and Bella's answers too. And her thoughts. So he's sitting, or not her thoughts. He can't hear her thoughts. But he can hear, like, her answers through Mike's thoughts. Yeah. And he's sitting there laughing in the background, and you know he's sitting there being like, I got a fucking pico.

You're going to lose. Like, what you think you're going to prom with her? Get a pico. Like, get a gray picoat, my friend. Poor Mike. Let's go into it. We got to talk about Mike and Jessica. They make Jessica, they do make Jessica the ultimate villain, especially.

Justice for Jessica. Like in this movie, she definitely gets villainized. In New Moon. Oh, yeah. They turn her into, like, a twat. And it's not fair because Bella is a bitch. Like she's a bitch. She's not nice to anyone.

Everyone is being nice to her. People are trying to be, like Jessica is one of the first people to talk to her and welcome her here and like talk. And it's like she's like villain and Bella gives no one the time of day and acts like she's annoyed that anyone's being nice to her. I don't know why they all keep trying. And then the thing with Jessica is it's like Jessica is a teenage girl. Yeah. She immediately befriended Bella, tried to integrate her in. And then she gets jealous that the guy she likes is obsessed with Bella the second she meets her.

That's just normal shit. Yeah, that's just normal teenage shit. I too would be pretty pissed if the guy I was like crushing on was obsessed with the new girl. And I think that she said something like they've all known each other since like kindergarten. Yeah. So it's like that sucks. Yeah. And it's like, and they make her such a villain.

They do. And it's like she's not. She's like. And she even asked Bella at one point if it's okay. that she goes to the dance with Mike. Yeah. And she, what the fuck does she have to do that for? Yeah, she's just being forever.

You don't have to ask her, but she does. Just to make sure there's no, like, weirdness. I'm like, they villainized her. It's not cool. And they also try to make Bella, like, more likable by her being like, oh, you should ask Jessica. Yeah. But it's like, it makes Jessica look like silly.

Well, they make, and I mean, it's how Bella is also written. She's like, that girl. Yeah. I'm not like other girls. Yeah, I'm not going to go to the prom. And it's like, I'm not going to wear leggings under my dress. Oh my God. We're going to get to that.

We're going to get to that. But I think Anna Kendrick is the perfect Jessica. She really is. She killed it. As soon as you see her, you say Jessica. Yeah. Jessica. In the movie.

Yep. And I think Mike is a great cast. Yeah. And I think Mike is super endearing. Yeah. Just kind of like, he's a teenage boy. You can, honestly, the whole friend group, I feel like is very, like, believable. Yeah.

Like Angela. Yeah. Mike. They're all really well done, I think. Like, they're likable. They are. They're super likable. And they're like, I don't know, they're just sweet. They're like throwing Twizzlers at her and shit.

They eat so many Twizzlers in this movie. They eat so many Twizzlers. It's just brought to you by Twizzlers. I will say, it really was. I will say, I don't like that they have everyone like falling all over themselves about Bella. Like that's very unrealistic and also like kind of weird and gross because at one point like while she's sitting at the table, Tyler runs up behind her and is like, my girl and kisses her on the cheek. Yeah.

Is that Tyler or is that area? That's Tyler. And Eric is sitting next to her because he had said something like, like, Bell is my girl. Yeah. And I was like, what's happening? Like what is, and you can tell Jessica, Jessica literally is like, oh my God. I forget what she says. She's like, you're the new shiny toy.

Like, but she's like, oh my God. Yeah, she's like, this is disgusting. You can tell she's like, what the fuck is going on? And also the way he kisses her at lunch. I said inappropriate. Inappropriate. And also they're so mean to, like the boys are so mean to Jessica and Angela. Oh my God.

Eric like shits all over Angela. Yeah. And I'm like, the feature is dead. Don't bring it up again. And then just leaves and she's like, damn. Do you guys just not want to be treated nicely? Like, what the fuck? But this is also where we get the Cullen entrance.

They are 32 year olds walking into this cafeteria. They're all wearing white. And most importantly, Emmett is carrying a bag, a bag, a full of at least a dozen. hard-boiled eggs. And I have never noticed it, but we all got into a discussion the other day when we were talking about the weird sploops in this movie. And Elena was like, the eggs. I was like, the eggs. The eggs. I never saw that before. You'll never unsee it. You'll never unsee it. And fun fact, that was just Kellan Lutz's lunch. He was just as who plays Emmett. Yeah. You know, you just got to eat some eggs. I love a hard-boiled eggs, so I'm not one to... I love a hard-boiled egg. I

could not eat 12 in a setting. I would die. But he's... I can't eat two. He's a big guy. I can eat one and then I'm like, damn. Yeah, honestly. And I like that my one with some soy sauce or some hot sauce, you know, I can't just, I just can't do that to the face. You can't just raw dog eggs. I can't raw dog, a hard oiled egg like that.

As you should not. But, um, and we, their entrances are just wild because it's like Alice gets like, Jasper the Confederate soldier just twirls Alice. Yeah, they just run way into this cafeteria like it's nothing. And he was like, what? And that's when we see Edward for the first time, of course. And this is where I had my initial disappointment. I can't believe you have experienced disappointment in this moment.

I think this was my sexual awakening. And that's, again, I say, it was not because I thought Robert Pattinson was not attractive or ugly or whatever. What did you picture? Do you remember? I think I just pictured, like I'm trying to think of exactly what I pictured in my head. I probably pictured more of, I'm trying to think of, I don't know, I think he was like not, I don't know what I'm trying to think of my head. I'm trying to like picture it. Sometimes it's hard to describe the picture that you have in your head. Well, and I'm trying to think of anybody who fits that picture. I think what I think Hayden Christensen was one of the ones that was going to be cast. Yeah. It was in talks, I think, or like fans wanted him to do. Yeah, yeah. And I was. very much a Hayden Christians and girlie when I was younger. I loved him. Very, very good looking, man.

And I think he's more along the lines of what I pictured, but I don't even think he is the thing I picture. I think he's just a little closer to what I pictured. Okay. I think he, I think I pictured him like very ethereal looking. And I think it's hard for a human being to fit into it. I see what you're saying. Like it's a difficult one to cast, I think. Yeah. I think he looks I think he is like the perfect Robert. Well, and I think he was the perfect Robert. I mean, he was the perfect Robert as well. Like, he really was.

He's like, don't say that. But he totally started fitting it for me. And I think I saw, like, his interviews and shit, I just ended up loving him. Like, I thought he was awesome. So I was very into it then. But we get that weird, like, staring thing that he does. When he walks by, he laughs because he can hear Jessica being like,

oh, yeah. I think she says, like, you know, like, He would just, I guess none of us are good enough for him. Like every girl in school wants to date him, but we're not good enough for him. Yeah. And he laughs when she, when he walks by. I can hear that. Yeah.

And then we go into the biology class where we get one of the cringiest scenes that I have ever seen committed to film. I literally wrote down, I would not survive this interaction with Edward. I would jump out of the science lab window and I would board the next flight to Arizona. I literally said this would send me packing. She walks into science class or biology class. In front of a fan. In front of the fan.

It wafts on over to Edward. And he acts like she smells like hot, garbage liquefied. He does this body roll of revolutions. He ruches. He has a full wretch. He rutches. And then he literally like slides something over to her with his knuckle. Like he won't even touch it with his face.

He's just like, get the fuck away from me. And he's literally like holding his face away from her. But also staring at her. As she's looking straight ahead and she's like, oh my God. He's just like, oh. like staring at her. Like she's like the most putrid thing to ever live. I would not survive this.

And also what the fuck Bella? Because halfway through that class, I would have been like, can I fucking help you? Like how are you not turning to that boy and being like, what the fuck's your problem? Like I confront him.

Yeah. Because it's not like he's like actively trying to get away from her. He is, but he's also staring at her. He's diabolically. He's studying like a monkey. And he's just staring. Like how dare she?

I would literally turn around and just like stick my finger. in my nose and be like what like Bella needed to get a little more assertive with that shit yeah well she's Bella so baby girl coded she is so baby girl coded she is so baby girl it's just baby girl but at the same time he's not safe with her at some point at some point she gets so aggressive that I was like you should leave it took me a minute to like process what you were like she gets really aggressive at the end of the movie we'll get you yeah but that interaction just fucked me up and then when they she like they

They go into, like, the administrative office after. Oh, yeah. And he's like, okay, fine, I guess I'll just endure it. I guess I'll have to endure it. Like, because he wants to switch classes. And he just, like, flies by her. And she had come into the office and then just leaves. Yeah, I don't know what she was going to do.

And she does that, like, lip-sucking thing that she does? She do be... Here's the thing. She do be making some weird faces. Chris and Stewart is a great actress. She's a great actress. What the fuck was she doing in this movie? Lots of faces.

She doesn't do that face all the time. Like, it's her doing the, like... I wish, like sucking in her lip. And I said I wish you could see that. And in fact, you must see that. So I will video it for you right now. Live videoing. All right.

Am I doing it? Yeah, go, go girl. And we'll be posting that. She literally like does this, that weird like, I'm just going to eat my lip. I'm going to eat my lip. I'm not going to eat my lip. And then she just leaves and you're like, I'm not going to eat my lip.

Final decision. I am not going to eat my lip. Okay, wait. So like that happens. Edward doesn't come to school for a few days. In the interim, she goes to the diner with her dad. Pause. Charlie?

Yeah, everybody pause for Zaddy Charlie. Charlie. Worst father? Not of the year, but like, one of the worst dad. Not a good dad. In the book, he's far worse than he is in the movie. In the movie, you at least get the sense that he cares. He's just awkward.

Yeah, he cares and he's awkward, but like later on, he also just lets her leave his home. He sure does. And like he's a police officer. He's like me police officer, in fact. He's the chief. We'll get there. But he's hot, so we'll take it. He is so hot.

Yeah, watching Twilight as an adult is realizing that you're not team Edward or Jacob, you are team Charlie Swan or boss. Totally. And I need to be clear with who Stephanie Meyer wanted to cast as Charlie. You better be. John C. Riley. And here's the third. thing.

Hello. I love John C. Riley. Who doesn't? I think he's hilarious. Imagine if he was cheap swan. If he was cheap swan, we get Billy Burke. And I am for Billy Burke in this movie. Billy Burke is A plus behavior in this movie.

Absolutely. I don't even care what he does. And he looked, there's like a familial resemblance between him and Bella for sure. He looks like the age fits, the familial resemblance. John C. Riley would have been. a wild choice. It would have been, honestly, I would like him to, like, can they remake the movie? I know, can he read some of the lines and, like, dress as Chief Swan and just, like, give us that?

I'm going to need one of the late night hosts to have him on and make him read those lines. I'm going to need that. Like, I'm going to need that. Although his lines are pretty basic. They are. That's true. But in this scene, like, aside from Charlie Swan, just being super hot, there's a catch. bottle. And Kristen Seward, Bella, takes the ketchup bottle. Limp wrist as fuck.

Limpress just blops it on her plate, but nothing comes out. And then the scene is shot from a different angle. And it's just ketchup on the plate. And she just does this like shaky, shaky, and then puts it down. Nothing comes out. Nothing ever comes out of that bottle. And it's not even one of those bottles where like you have to hit the 57 for it to come out or like the 52, whatever it is. It's a squeeze bottle. And she's not squeezing it. She's simply. limp-rissing it. It's the weirdest. She does this with a few other things because later she gets a glass of water.

She pours a glass of water. No, the water might be. I think the water might take the ketchup right on. Pours a full glass of water out of the fridge, puts it back, puts the jug back. Yeah. Stands in front of the sink, takes one sip of water, and then just flips the water over and dumps it all out. But the way she flicks it is so just like, just, whee-blop. And it's one sip.

glass of water, one sip blip right into the sink. Wasteful. I was like, what the fuck was the point of that? Also, and we'll get into it a little bit more, but just because we're talking about weird mannerisms, when Edward sits down at the table the first time we see him, he just places like two fingers on the table. He does this weird, like, finger thing that he's always like, just delicately touching. They're like pageant hands. They're like praying mantis hands. Like he's just like, deed, dee, dee, dee. Yeah. Like, he's just like, he barely. Like, he barely. He's touches surfaces or like things in front of him. It's very creepy. I think they were all just like really uncomfortable filming. Yes. Everybody seems very uncomfortable. Yeah. Anna Kendrick likened it to a

hostage situation. She said they were all trauma bonded because it was like a hostage situation. And Emmett, we're better for it. Kellyn Lutz almost didn't come back for the last two movies, he said, because he was just standing around on set so often. Because he doesn't have a lot to do. That's the thing. He said he was like falling out of love with acting. Oh, man. Yeah. I can't imagine the vibe on the set was like super immaculate. Yeah.

Well, and we get like another scene. Like you were just pointing out the scene at the table. Are you going to talk about the carrot? He has the fingers. And Rosalie just takes a little carrot. And she's just staring at Bella. Like dead eyes. In her white outfit and her white hat.

And she just takes that carrot. She places it within her lips. And then it's almost like a kazoo that she's just like, ooh. She just... It's not a carrot. She looks like she's treating it like a kazoo. And she just places it there but doesn't ever take a bite. And it's because in the illustrating guide...

No. They don't eat food. If they have to eat food, like to blend in. To blend in. They don't digest food. So what happens is they eat that food. It sits in a ball somewhere inside of them. And then they hack it up like a cat packs up in a hairball later.

They will literally regurgitate it. Later. That's not good. That's not hot. That's not hot at all. If my man is having a hairball. And like, I'm sorry, you're, you're making my vampires so that they're just like regurgitating food later. Yeah. I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I don't like it either. Another thing I don't like is when she walks back into biology class and I think it's Mike goes, how you like it in derain, girl? Oh my God. It's the most egregious. It's such a weird line. It's the most egregious greeting. He not only does he scream How you like in Doreen, girl

At her But he also shakes his fucking umbrella on her I'd kill him with that umbrella There's so many lines And there's lines in future movies like Bella where the hell you been, Loka That just send me into orbit. I think honestly

Bella Where the Hell You Been, Loka is such a good line But like it's so good that people forget how good is How good how you liken DeRaine Girl Like that's such a weird fucking line, but I, and I hate it, but I love it. There's so many lines like that near, though. Like, we're going to get to them and I will yell them loud and proud on the call. There's so many.

I will yell them loud and proud. Wait, so then after how you're like in the rain girl, Paula sits down at the table after Edward just left for days because she smelled so fucking futrid. He's sitting there and he acts like everything is A-okay. And he says to her. Hello. He goes, hello. Peter Pattinson is like British, right?

He sure is. So obviously like his accent comes out sometimes. But this isn't even his accent. It's a Swedish accent. Hello. But I'm trying to find exactly how he says it. Oh my God. Because there's another moment where Robert Pattinson slips into like a weird Scottish.

Oh, I wrote it down. Hold on. Oh, wait. Here it is. Oh, he says, so you're worried. So you're worried. So you're worried. And then he just goes right into his regular accent.

Full Scottish. So you're worried. He said, hello. So you're worried. I love the Swedish accent. It's fucking crazy. It's very Swedish, very Norwegian. And then they just like have this cute interaction about like science.

But this is Bella's first moment of he's like, so are you liking the rain? Because they've never met. They don't fucking know each other. You're going to fucking talk to me. about the goddamn weather? And she literally, he says that. He's like, so are you, how are you liking the rain? And she literally goes,

ha ha. Let's out this like shaky, like, ha, breath. And then she goes, you're going to ask me about, just told me this is a loud environment. Your watch is like, calm the fuck down, bishops.

We hit 90 decibels. 30 minutes of this could, we're giving you guys temporary hearing. I'm sorry for that, but it's worth it. Okay. because she says she's like she literally she's on the edge in that moment she's on the edge and then it's like you're going to talk to me about the weather and like what do you want to by that by that she's such a bit she's

she wants him to talk dirty to her like it's like you she's like why are you talking to me about the weather I'm literally on the edge of glory here she says I want to fuck on this your lap table it's so weird the like response I know she was trying to do her like because it's supposed to be that she's like enamored with him right away but it's like you don't need to I don't know it was just the way it came out I was like that's a lot it's wild so um I think there is um a moment when she's talking during like during this part when she talks to her friends where they're like oh are you gonna come to La Push with us yeah yeah and she's like am I supposed to know what that means and it's like maybe you are because that's where like your best friend growing up Jacob lives yeah La Push is like kind of his beach so it's like I don't why wouldn't you know that? And it's like also like she's just so fucking rude. It's the way she says things. Should I know what that means? Yeah.

Yeah, probably. You should. Because like you're friends with Jacob. But we get also around this part, the Apple, the book cover moment. The Apple. And then before that, he had saved her from the crash. Yep. And she meets Carlisle.

Yep. She meets the whole thing. The palest doctor that has ever lived. I loved Carlisle. I was not a Carlisle girl. I was into Carlisle. But I was 12 when this came on, so I was not meant to be a pet. And I just love, he's, I love a, you know, light-haired.

You do. Dead looking, man. Yeah, we'll be talking about that in true blood later. We will be. That's the cover of the book. And Stephanie Meyer said that it's supposed to be the illusion of like the forbidden fruit. The forbidden fruit. And like, it is tied to the Bible with like, you have a choice.

Are you going to take the apple and ruin everything? Are you going to not take the apple? Take the apple. Interesting. But he does, when he does the little, like, presenting. like the, I was like, wow. Also, I would be like, you just kicked that up. So not only did you get germs on my apple,

but you also bruised it. Yeah, you fucking asshole. I'm sorry she didn't say, like, I can't believe you just fucking kicked my apple. God. Not to him. To anyone else, she would. Yeah.

But when they go to La Push and they see Jacob and his friends, and they mentioned that, like, Bella had asked Edward if he wanted to come, but he was like, no. This is where Jessica's a little bit of a bitch, because she's like, Bella asked Edward, but he didn't. and come, and he's not here.

But I think she's also trying to be like, hey, Mike, she invited Edward. Like, she doesn't like you. So please stop, like, lusting after her because I like you. I think it's teenage girl. It is, it is. But then that kid goes, The Collins don't come here.

Yes, because, like, Jacob and his friends come, and that's when he says, The Collins don't come here. Period. And Bell is like, whoa. And then they go on a walk on the beach, and she's like, so what did your friend mean when he said the

the Collins don't come here? And Jacob goes, you caught that, huh? It's like the kid What the fuck do you mean? The kid locked eyes with her and screamed it at her face. Of course I got that. He launched it directly at me.

I had no choice but to cut and catch that. Yeah. Like, damn. Yeah. I love that. I love that. And she's also trying to like flirt with Jacob to get information out of him.

And Bella Swan flirting is the funniest fucking shit you'll ever see in your life. Because she kind of just like leans her head a little bit closer. And like looks up at him. But it's menacing. And she does this weird, like, head shake thing where she's like, I want to know. I love to shake her head a lot.

It's almost like she thinks that the, like, eyelash fluttering is actually, like, head shaking. So she does that. It's a lot. It's something. Later, well, like, because she finds out, like, there's a, you know, the legend, the Quilute tribe has of, like, the hill faces from wolves. And there's these, like, the cold ones. The treaty. All that stuff.

So later she goes on and googs. And she googs about, you know, legends of that tribe. tribe and one of the books that comes up is called Legends of the Slapping Beaver. I just need to point that out. It's not a real book. I looked it up. We tried. We tried to find it.

But my God, I love that they put that in. And then she ends up going dress shopping at one point with Angela and Jessica. They invite her. Like, you're new and we're inviting you into our shopping trip to have a girl's night. That's something like not, that doesn't happen to everyone. No. Like, you've been a new kid. I was a new kid.

I was lucky enough. You were welcome. I was so lucky. I got to say, on my first day at my new high school, I made friends like the first day. And they were like, you want to come hang out tonight? And I was like, fuck yeah, I do. But it's like, that doesn't happen for everyone. I came home and Elena was like, are you?

I was like, do you think Ma would let me go out tonight? Like, I made friends. And Elaine, it goes, what? Are you fucking kidding me? What do you mean you made friends already, you bitch? But yeah, that doesn't happen for everyone. I had a better experience at my second high school than I did at my first. Well, Bella is being integrated into this group very quickly and very nicely.

Elena would say to her, are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me, Bella? Like, God. And she treats them like shit. She bail. They are trying on dresses. She's not even looking at them. She's like in her own thing.

And then she just gets up and bails. Like doesn't even pay attention to them. I was like, why are you trying to be friends with her? I'd be like, fuck this girl. Yeah. She's like, I have to go to like a bookstore. I have to go to a bookstore. And she goes to the bookstore to get the legends book.

And it's also like, could you not have just been like, hey, when we're done trying on, or when you guys are done like, will you come to this bookstore with me? That's how friendship works. No, she just decided to bail on them. Rude. And she's just going to obsess over Edward for the rest of her life. She doesn't need friends. Yeah.

And it really is so toxic when you get into it. And this is really where it becomes like so bad. Ridiculously insane. Because she ends up getting like running into these like drunk guys. She tries to walk down a fucking out. What are you doing walking down an alley? And these drunk guys are gross and disgusting and they like are going to assault her essentially. And Edward shows up in his Volvo.

He is. And like growls at them. I'm sorry. I loved it. This, I would have been the most toxic woman. When he growls at them. Yeah. And then he's like, get in the car.

And he's like, you didn't know what they were. And then he's like, you didn't know what they were thinking. And she's like, you did. I'd be like, save me every night. And they like, they end up going to dinner. And like, but Jessica and Angela are like, hey, where are you been? We had no fucking clue where you were. We've been calling you.

Like, what the fuck? Like, lost you. They're all like, what the fuck? And then even in that moment, they're all like, what the fuck? They're still rooting for her. They're like, oh, yeah, go to dinner. Like, have dinner. Like, it's cool.

Yeah. It's like, damn, you really lucked into these gals and you should hang on to them and treat them better. But she, so she goes to dinner with Edward. Edward. And his song is playing in the background. His song is playing. Robert Pattinson's like, I mean, can you tell the difference?

Exactly. That's it. That's it. And then he says, that's a clip. I mean, can you tell the difference? You can't, thank you. But she, they talk about like, you know, what, like that.

Basically what's going on. Like that he's been stalking her. her essentially. She's literally like, how did you know I was going to be here? And he's like, I was following. And he says, like, I was following in case anything happened to you, which is sweet in theory. But you like think about it as an adult and you're like... That's just stalking her.

Ah. What? Like, I don't want to be followed by you. No. I can take care of myself. But that's the thing about Bella. That's where she's like, baby girl coded, because she doesn't want to have to take care of herself. No. And there's a reason for that, though, that makes sense. Because when you look at her parents, her mom, we didn't even touch on her mom. Her mom's a fucking wreck. sucks. Her mom sucks. Fuck you, Renee. Her mom, the reason she went to Forks is because her mom is together

with a minor league baseball player named Phil, and she's unhappy that she can't travel around with him and that she has to stay with her child. And Bella picked up on that. So Bella's like, do you want me to leave so you can do that? And she's like, that'd be sick. That's it. She's an asshole. Yeah, she sucks. Her mom's like a total like hot mess asshole. She's not like a cute fun like, oh, I'm just like a Lorelei Gilmore kind of like, you know, messy mom. She just sucks. She just sucks. And then also, like, in the book, Charlie is very... Yeah, and in the book, she had to take care of her mom, essentially, like, parentified child.

And then she had to take care of her dad in the book, too. Yeah. Like, she cooks them all his meals and shit. Like, he's just always, like, working or fishing. Yeah. And so, like, she really did, I think she looks at this as, like, cool. Fucking take care of me then. Yeah.

So I think she was, this was, like, learned toxic behavior. Totally. Fortunately. That she was, like, searching for something. Which is also like weird because then like her boyfriend becomes her dad. Yeah, it's very weird. And then also like when Jacob or when like we'll get into it in New Moon, but like Edward leaves and then like Jacob steps in. It gets real weird.

There's also like so much imagery of her being carried around all the time. Yes. And it's like she's always carried me. Really weird. Yeah, it is. Yeah. And in this conversation, he's saying how like he can read minds but he can't read hers. And I was like, oh, so you read the Suki Stackhouse books? Yeah.

Because that's literally Drew Blood. Yeah. Like, that's just true. And the Suki Sackhouse books were out at a time. So, like, maybe that just interested her that they could read minds and maybe one person can block it. Yeah. It's definitely reminiscent of it. There was a few things, too, and I can't think of them now.

But, like, if you go back and listen to our rewatcher episodes for Buffy, I was like, oh, yeah. That's where she got that. She was definitely, I think Stephanie Meyer was definitely like, inspired. She was absorbing a lot of this kind of material, so I'm sure bits and pieces of it just came into her lore. Yeah. But this is one that I was just,

we're watching True Blood right now, so it just stuck out to me. It's like, oh, the one person whose mind you can't read, it's like slipped around. Yep, yeah. Now, and then we get the fucking scene where he pulls her into the, because she figures out he's a vampire. Yeah.

And he pulls her into the fucking woods at school. This is, no other movie has touched me in a moment quite like. this. This, he's so aggressive in this moment. Say it. Out loud. Out loud. I know what you are. And she's standing with her arms in front of her, which is a very awkward stance.

She's essentially doing like the Wednesday out of when the sun goes down and the moon comes up. Bella turns into a teenage gucumok. Turn into a teenage gucumach. In these woods, Bella was a teenage guvoo-wobok. muck. The teenage goo gugook. That is for sure.

Candid. That is for sure. And he's just standing behind her like, Ra! Say it. It's like, oh my God. And she was, vampire. Vampire.

Vampire. It's Tom Lake in the shopping episode. Tom like, come on the show. Oh, wait, you did. That's a rewatcher reference. Go listen to the rewatcher from the beginning, do it. Hey. But yeah, he's so aggressive, though. He grabs her arm and literally

drags her through the forest and up a mountain. Is this when he screams, as if you could outrun me? Oh, we're not there yet, baby. We're not there yet, because first, one thing about me, one thing about me is that I'm always there. I'm always in a place of, as if you can't run me. But first, we have to get to a place of I'm sad and sparkly. So first he has to go up there, rip open his shirt. and show that he just looks a little sweaty. I love it. Like, he just looks a little sweaty.

I love it. And then he says, this is the skin of a killer, Bella. The best. There's so many good lines. This is the skin of a killer, Bella. And then he starts zooming around. He gets the zoomies.

He crouch. He literally hoffs and puffs and, like, hunches over and says, as if you could out run. I told you, he's the tremeiser. He's crouched. And then he just starts crouching in trees, which goes crazy. And she's just looking up at him and he's like, aren't I a hot vampire? And I'm like, no.

I don't even think he's trying to convey that. You're going all nimbly, bimbly from tree to tree. And I need you to get down. But then she becomes very aggressive because she's like, no, I want it. I love it. I think I want to marry you. I love you. And he's like, I've killed people, though.

And I've wanted to kill you from the second I laid eyes on you. And she's like, but I love you. I'm fine with it. And even Edward, or no, Robert Pattinson later was like, something's wrong with her. Because he was like, Edward literally says to her, I wanted to kill you since the moment I met you. And she's like, but I love you. I'd still hit it. She says to him, I don't know if it's in the woods or if it's when they're at dinner.

She says, I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore. Like, what the fuck? Or wait, does he say that actually now that I think about it? He probably says it. He says that. But either way, they've met each other four point five seconds ago. Yeah, it's not. We need to be real about that.

It's not okay. But he's so upfront about how much he wants to kill her. And she's like, it's cool. Yeah. You've let me know. So thank you. Thanks for that. And that's like, all right, I guess we put that on paper.

So there's that. She's a temptress. She is. And this is when they decide that they're going to be together because they lay in the meadow and he's sparkling. And it's real weird. I think her foot's gone in the scene. Her foot is gone. In the CGI, they take her foot out by accident.

It happens. You know, it's sloppy. Yeah. But then they end up going to school the next day. and they show up together, and this is when Spotlight plays. And this is when he says, this is when he says, I'm going to hell anyways. This is what bothers me, because he's like,

since I'm going to hell. And he puts his armor under and, like, pulls her in. And he says this a couple of times, like, the hell comment. I'm like, you're dead. Say that. Well, it's also like, you're dead. And that's, well, and it's also like, that's not part of the, like, it's just a weird, I don't know.

It does, like, since I'm going to hell. I think he has, like, this is like a, he has like a self-haping. self-hatred quality about him because he like hates that he's a monster yeah in his own i'm just like says who who says you're going i think him like what yeah but it's weird but when and then like he explains his origin story to her and he does so well it's pouring rain and he is staying out like out of the cover of the rain just getting fucking soaked and she's just sitting there dry and then a minute later he's bone dry yeah and crouching with his hands again and his fingers walking in front of him It's so strange.

It's very salad fingers, s, of him. It is. It's a lot. And then she goes to, this is when she goes to meet his family, too. And when he's like, you're worried? Like, that's when he gets really Scottish. Yep, yep, yep. But this is when Rosalie breaks the bowl because she's just pissed.

Oh my God, wait before that. Is that when Billy Black, Jacob's dad and Edward pass? They have a stare off. They have a stare off. You can see the crew in Edwards. You can, yeah. In Edwards, all the. Yeah. Well, I think Rosalie also gets kind of a bad rap.

I think she does, she's pissed because if you think about it, think about it. I'm thinking of it bare bones. Okay. Hit me. You are a family for all intents and purposes. Yeah, yeah. For hundreds of years, you've been a family. You've had this plan, like, plan, you have a thing together. There is a literal law among your species that says you cannot let humans know who you are or what you are.

And if you do, then your whole family is going to be in jeopardy. Yeah. And then he meets this girl and five seconds later tells her everything about your species and way of life, breaking every law, endangering your entire family, and then brings her over and is like, treat her nice. Treat her nice. I would have broken a fucking bowl too. I would have been like, you dumb fuck. Are you kidding? She's right.

Yeah. So when you guys stop making googly eyes at each other, we're. all going to have our heads ripped off and be burned. Like, really? Is it worth it, bitch? And she already ate? What the fuck? I was just going to say, that's what really does Rosalie in is they're preparing this beautiful meal for Bella. Yeah. And Edward, it's not even Bella. Bella's like, oh my God, like, you didn't have to do that. Thank you. Yeah, I'll eat. And he's like, shardy ate. Shardy eight. I'm like, you dick. And also, when Rosalie, like,

smashes the bowl, that's why the actress is wearing gloves in that scene, she cut her hand when she was when she had originally smashed it. I do love, I thought the gloves were just fashion. I mean, she's very fashionable. She is. But I get, everyone's like, calm down, Rosalie. No, I get it. Can you talk about it? She's just mad.

The khaki skirt. Oh, my God. So she is apparently described as wearing a long khaki skirt in the scene. And like a blue blouse, which Edward ends up becoming obsessed with. Because color wins. Also, if you want us to cover Midnight Sun, which is Edward's point of view of Twilight. I've never read that. We will happily do that for you.

We will do that. So, because there's a lot in that. Is there? Oh, yeah. I'm actually going to buy it right now as you talk. So maybe we should do that. But he's obsessed with the blue blouse. But the long khaki skirt.

And Stephanie Meyer later said that during her time of writing this and growing up, old khaki skirt was like a staple wardrobe piece. Which is diabolical. I don't remember that time period, but I don't know how old Stephanie Meyer is. Let me look. She's 51. So she's older than I am. So I don't know.

Maybe it was. but I thought thinking of Bella standing there wearing a long khaki skirt is really throwing me, especially with Rosalie standing there looking like a fucking snack. Yeah. In her gloves and everything. And you know she's looking at her being like, you khaki skirt, bitch. Are you fucking kidding me? You're going to endanger our entire family for this khaki skirt wearing bitch.

This khaki skirt blue blouse bitch. With a ponytail? A ponytail? She has a ponytail. Uh-uh. Yeah. It's very she's all that. Yeah. But yeah, I thought she, I was like, you know what, Justice for Rosalie, she's been through a lot.

Yeah. We skipped over to that Edward watches Bella when she sleeps. He does. He does that a lot. We glossed over that. I mean, there's not a lot to say about that. I just wanted to make sure it was in here. Yeah. He watches her well. She said. He's been doing it. We thought that was like top romance. Yeah. When it came out, I mean, at least I did. I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. I hope that happens to me someday. I hope some guy watches me sleep. Now, that's my worst fucking nightmare. Yeah, that's, we talk. We talk. about that shit all the time. Yeah. It's not good. It's bad. Never good. It's the worst. And when they go up to his room and he's like, yeah, she's like, where's your bed? And I was like, all right, Bella, calm down. Like, you're not going to fuck here. And he's like, that one thing about Bella is she stays trying to fuck. She stays. She stays horny, Bella. She's horned up all the time. And she's always trying to fuck him, which is really repressed. With the way he's described when you're like a teenager,

I'm sure I would be like all over that too. Yeah. But, I love it because, like, he got, you know, he's got all these books and, you know, Claire DeLoon is playing. Or, and he's like, you know, like, I'm just listening to Debussy, you know, like, no big deal. And she's like, Claire Dillan is great. And it's supposed to be that, like, see? She's so different. I know that too. Yeah.

And I couldn't help it. I was like, my kids have several books that Claire Dilloon is in. Like Lullabai books. If I played Claire Dalloon right now, I'm pretty sure my youngest would be like, Claire Dalloon. Like, she would know. Great stuff. It gets to them, but they make it like this highly highbrow thing. That was not like other girls.

I'm not like other girls. I'm like, well, you're like my six-year-old. So you're not that, you're not that, like, quirky. Like, sounds like you had the same lullaby book bells. Yeah, sounds like you had that book. So, but yeah, this is when I literally was like, Edward is not safe. Yeah. Because she's like, can we fuck?

Like, you can tell she's just like, so where do we fuck in here? And he was like, how would I just take you outside? He's like, oh, but we go fly. Let's go fly. Hold on tight spider monkey. And this is the spider monkey. Hold on tight spider monkey is diabolical. And the visual of when he jumps from tree to tree. All nimbly bimbley. It's like he's in this weird position and also is just like, oh, looking forward as he flies through the air, it's the least hot thing I can imagine. Yeah. And then he's climbing up the tree but barely touching it and he just looks like how a bear would climb up a tree. Okay, that, I'm not mad at the flying. I'm with you. I'll sign off on that. You're not mad at

the climbing up the tree. I'm not. Damn. I want to climb up the tree. It's the way he looks. He's like, hop, prop, bop, bop. I mean, how do you climb up a tree? I don't climb up trees. So this would not do it for me to begin with. I'd be like, I'm not climbing up a tree. I would want to climb up the tree. But yeah, it's a lot. Yeah. And at one point, Mike tells Bella that he doesn't like this Edward thing. Yeah. And I feel like, I don't give a fuck, Mike. When he goes, He just looks at you like you're something to eat. And I was like, that is quite possibly the worst writing I've ever heard. So heavy-handed.

It's such a clunky line. Yeah. It's so clunky. Like, somebody should have heard that and been like too much. Yeah, like too much. Subtalties, look it up. And that's when they go, they go and play baseball and we get Charlie. So Bell is like, hey, so Edwards outside and he's taking me to play baseball.

and he's like, what the fuck? This is honestly so real. Yeah, and she's like, he wants you to meet him. And he's cleaning his shotgun as he does. And he just flicks it closed. And he's like, cinnamon. And I said, holy shit. Yeah.

I don't know why, but I was like, Charlie. Charlie. It's being like, it's that dad thing too. Because I was like, ooh, okay. But I'm into it. But they go to play baseball. And this is the super massive black hole, the very classic baseball scene where they play during a thundice.

thunderstorm so no one can hear it. It's pretty sick. I'm all so hard. I wonder, is it in the illustrated guide? What happens if a vampire gets struck by lightning? I don't think it's in the illustrator. I didn't see it in the illustrated guide. Update it. Update it. At one point, Rosalie, when Emmett climbs up a tree to get a ball, he says, my monkey man. And I said, oh, Lord. Family's got a big thing for monkeys. I said, what's going on here? Spider, hold on tight, spider monkey. My monkey man. The way Nikki Reid delivers her lines as Rosalie, I think she's pretty, she's really good in the first movie. Because when she says that, that is the gnarliest line to have to deliver.

But I believed it coming out of her mouth. Yeah. When she said it, I was like, yeah, Rosalie did say that. Her and Emmett have a very cute relationship together. Because they are like obsessed with each other. Yeah, but then she does say at one point, I don't know if it's in the movies or if it's in the books, that she would give every, that she would give him up to like, be human again, I think. Oh, yeah, because so now to Rosalie, back to the illustrator.

guide when they go back to her backstory. Rosalie's one dream in life was to get married and have a child. Right. That's all she wanted to do. And like, grow old with this person, have a normal life. And so, like, she was robbed of all that because she can't have a child. Which also doesn't make any sense when you think about how

Bella gets pregnant. Holes poke in the lore all over the place. But I guess when Emmett was turned, it was because he was mauled by a bear. Oh, fuck. I didn't even know that. Yeah. And in Rosalie, finds him and thinks he's like so beautiful and loves him. But it's said in the illustrated guide that when Rosalie was human, she was jealous of only one person and it was her best friend. Vera, I believe her name was.

And it's because Vera was married, had a husband who loved her and a little boy named Henry. Okay. And that was what she wanted. I feel like things are about to get so weird. They're going to get so weird because they always do. Yeah. She said that his face reminded her, like, Henry. I fucking knew you were going to say that. Of like a child. I fucking knew you were going to say that. And so she was in love with him. I hate it. And then Carlisle was like, seems like a good enough reason. No. I'm telling you, you take a peek through that illustrated guide and it will change your life. My, I think you just changed my life in that moment. It'll change your goddamn life. I have been changed. For bad. For bad. I've not been changed. I've not been changed.

for good. But they do love each other. Yeah, they do. So there's that. I also love in the baseball scene when Emmett and Edward like collide. Yeah. And they like roll around and giggle. And if you look closely, Edward flips off. Oh, does he? He also does

that like snap thing like, oh, man. Yeah. But yeah, that's when we meet like Laurent and Victoria. What a fucking disservice. Yeah. We got to talk about. Victoria plays. by, excuse me,

Rochelle Lefebvre, I believe it's pronounced. I have my French guy on pronounced names. Tell me. Lafevre. Rochelle. Listen,

nothing against Bryce Dallas Howard. No, I love Bryce Dallas. She's great. She's not Victoria. She's not Victoria. Rochelle killed it as Victoria. The first two movies, especially in New Moon,

because she like, and, you know, we're going to cover that. She's back with that. She is just. That scene in. New Moon where she's jumping through the trees as they're like doing the search party or like the investigation. I think that was another sexual awakening for me. Like she's amazing. She's so good. And then Bryce Dallas Howard is such a great actress. Like I'm not saying anything against her in that way.

She doesn't have the energy that the first Victoria had that like villainous like something about lioness. That's what it is. It's like a predator. Yeah. Like she had that predatory like. And I don't, it just, she killed it. Like, I thought she was so fucking good. And this is when we kind of meet them all. And this is after they've killed Waylon. Yeah. And she's wearing Waylon's shirt.

Oh, fuck, I didn't even catch that. Good call. Waylon's wearing, like, some, like, it had a shamrock on it, and she's wearing it. That's iconic. I'm obsessed. Which makes it even cooler. And she's got that big, fucking fur jacket. Yep.

I love it. She just looks so fucking cool. And her hair is awesome. They all look cool. And she's really good at that, like, Anna. minimalistic look that she gives. Like she just... Like you said, like,

predated it. She's really predatory. But they, of course, James ends up smelling Bella. Because also... They put her hair down. And he... Edward makes her put her hair down.

It was up in a ponytail. She could have just, like, stuffed it into her jacket. I don't know if it was masking, like, her neck and stuff, like, masking her, like, arteries. And it was just because the wind blew

that it kind of, like, wafted over to him. Yeah, it just seemed like a bad plan all around. But now he's tracking her and he's not. going to stop until he gets her. He's obsessed with the chase. This is just what he does.

He's a tracker. So they have to get her out of there really fast and like you have to tell Charlie something because you have to leave your house because he's not safe. And Bella says, I can't hurt him. Yeah, literally says I can't hurt him. And she looks at Edward and says, what do I tell him? I can't hurt him. And Edward's like, just shrugs and walks away.

I was like, thank you for the help. He like jumps out the window. And so she basically goes with, I hate him. I'm breaking up with him. I'm leaving the state. And Charlie's like, no, you're not leaving the state because you broke up. with your boyfriend. And he says he's like, did he hurt you? Yeah. And he's like, no. And she's like, I hate him. He sucks. And he's like, okay, let's just like, just sleep on. He's like,

fuck, like this is teenage girl shit. Yeah. And he even says sleep on it. And if he still feel the same way, I'll drive you to the airport. Like, that's, let's just talk about it tomorrow. And then she ends up, like, she's literally like, what, so we can just sit around at the diner every day and like do this and like, I'll be. Watch baseball on the flat screen. Yeah, and I'll just be stuck here like mom was. And then like leaves, she is so nasty to him. After saying I can't hurt him. I thought you weren't going to hurt that man. She emissurates him.

She slits his throat. And he's just standing at the doorway, completely dejected. It's like the worst. Yeah. And she ends up saying that she said to him what her mom said when she left him. Yeah. Which I was like, that's so fucked up, Bella. Yeah.

Like you're not a good person. No. That's really bad. On a much smaller scale, she's also like, I'll pull over and like stop at a motel if I'm tired. I'm like, you can't stop at a motel. a minor. 17 years old. Like, you can't just travel the states.

Like, hello? What are you talking about? It doesn't make any... And the fact that Charlie just, like, lets her go eventually, because obviously he's, like, you know, frozen because she heard him so bad. But I'm like, you got to get in your car, Charlie and, like, follow her. I mean, I guess we don't know what he did after she left. It's true because, like, they kind of speed off.

But I don't know. Also, when she's going in her room during the scene to, like, pack her shit, Edward is just creeping by the door. Like, just right there. Like, not even behind the door. right there, like next to the hinge. But while they're driving away, there's this big bang on the car. And they're like, what was that? And he's like, it's just Emmett. For some reason, that made me laugh so hard because he's like, it's just Emmett. I would be so fucking angry in that moment. I would fucking kill him.

I'm being hunted by a, like, deviant vampire who wants to rip open my arteries and you allow your buffoon brother to just pull onto the back of this truck. Any minor inconvenience that happens to me or anything like that. I'm just going to say, it's just Emmett. It's just Emmett. Don't worry about it. Anytime if my kids are like, I think there's a monster out there. It's just Emmett. They're like, don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. It's just Emmett. They end up going to therapy later being like, and then she told me about this man named

Emmett outside my room. We still don't know who we don't know who Emmett is. We watched Twilight. We're not sure if it's Kelly Watts. I don't get it. Why is it Kellan Lutz? Why was Kellan Lutz outside my bedroom? To this day, I can't drive an open bed truck. So it ends up that they have to get away. And, you know, James lures her to her old ballet studio. Like an old phone, or like an old home video of her mom being like, Bella, Bella, where are you? Like, couldn't find her.

Because he tells her he's going to kill her mom if she doesn't show up. So, of course, she shows up. She gets this shit kicked out of her. And she should have died because when he throws her. He cracks her, she cracks her head on that corner. Yeah, he literally eats her into the corner of like a banister. And there's blood. I'm like, you just, your skull is sticking into your brain, right?

now and like Edward can't handle it, Alice can handle it, Carlisle, because like she gets bit by James. Before she gets bit. And when they show up, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper show up as like a trio. And they just slowly fall down. And it's like the Spy Kids movie the way they dissent to the floor. They're just like, wopoosh. Like they just end up. But they can't, none of them can handle the blood, especially like, you know.

Especially not Confederate Jasper. He's all upset. I want to eat her alive. But James has bit her. So now the venom is going to start turning her if Carlisle doesn't... If Edward doesn't do something. Drink, suck out the venom. Yeah, suck out the venom, I think.

That's what it is. And when he does, Bella's eyes go cross-eyed, like, several times. And it is one of the funniest things I have... Because she's dying. She's dying. She's dying, but in the funniest way. Hold on. I got to film that.

I'm filming it. for you guys. That's perfect. And go. That was perfect. That's what she does. It's perfect. Perfect presentation. Oh, and he broke her leg too. So he like, he like crunches her life. Oh, you were also very angry. Rightfully so. Oh yeah. Carlyle. Also, Carlisle's like her femoral artery is severed. She's only got a few minutes. And that was after she's been lying there for a couple of minutes. One, not enough blood. She would have been dead. Femeral artery, you have like two to five. five minutes is like you have a guardian angel you might be a superhero like that's just like you're bleeding out like it's gone and this takes a long time when he says it's severed yeah that would

have been like like that would have been like should have happened to the ketchup bottle literally like I was like you didn't have to go there they also take so fucking long discussing this and I'm like hey yeah well her femoral arteries covered she's dying right now but they do save her and she wakes up in the hospital and you know like Edward's been there. And her oxygen mask is literally upon her eyebrows, in her eyebrows. Like it's just crazy. It's a lot. And when her mom leaves and Edward just walks up to her and it's like, Bella, you need to go to Jacksonville, Florida. Hold on. You need to go with your mom and like before that even. Because we talked about how shitty her mom is. Oh yeah. She wakes up in the hospital, Bella. And she says, what happened? And her mom is like, oh my God. You were at the Cullen's house and

you're so clumsy, you crazy bitch. You tripped and you fell down to. of stairs and through a fucking window. Through a window. And we don't know what the bite on your wrist is all about. No. But I'm sure it wasn't your boyfriend who you were trying to leave the state about. None of us are questioning domestic violence. You're just a clumsy gal. None of us is this. Like no one's questioning. Charlie, you're a fucking police officer. Excuse me again. The police officer. She has a bite scar on her fucking wrist. Like, and she was literally in this massive fight about to leave the state and you just

believed that she tripped and fell through a fucking window. And fell through a window. I don't know, guys. I don't know about that. I think you shouldn't have had a child. I don't think so. I think you're really big bad at this. I don't think they're great at it.

But now Jacksonville. But yeah, that's when Edwards, like, you should just go to Jacksonville. Like, we shouldn't do this anymore. Like, breaking up with her while she's on oxygen. Because he's like, I can't endanger you anymore. And she flips the fuck out. Yeah, she codes. And she's like, we can't be apart.

We can't be. You can't leave me. You can't leave me. We can't leave me. We can't be apart. You can't ever be away from me. And I was like, this is the most toxic shit I've ever seen in my life. She literally says, you can't say stuff like that to me. Ever. And then he said, and she's like, so you're not going to go. Like, you're not going to leave me.

He says, where else am I going to go? Wolf. And I said, Stephanie. I don't think that was the line that you thought it was because if somebody said that to me, I'd be like, so it's lack of options that's keeping me here? You know how people say there's like peaks of romance. This is like the doldrums of romance. That is quite a valley, I would say.

This is, that's hell. That's hell is your beautiful man looking at you and saying, where else am I going to go? I don't have any other option, so I'm here. Fuck. Damn. That'd be a humbling moment. But it's not for Bella, because they go to prom together. And she wears leggings under her dress.

And she's wearing leggings and a cardigan over her dress. Not even just like a cute cardigan either. Like a grandma cardigan. It's, yeah, it's just awful. But what's fun is you, it's like Moniard. Carlo themed. Yeah. And when you get there, there's like a big roulette wheel or like a big wheel.

And standing next to the wheel, if you look back on it, is Victoria. Yep. And a prom dress with an updo. She's like, hey. And you can just see her in the background. You don't notice it until later. Yep. But this is when they dance in the gazebo.

But before that, Jacob shows up at prom. Oh, I forgot that he shows up. Jacob shows up at prom and most diabolical outfit. And he's just wearing like his best, his Sunday's best. He's like untucked white shirt and like two shorts. Just a floppy tie. Exactly. And he is essentially there because he's like, hey, my dad really wants you to break up with your boyfriend.

And he paid me 20 bucks to come and tell you that. Here I am. And she's like at your prom. Yeah. And he's like, all right. Bye. See you later. Like that was it.

Like, okay. And so they dance in a gazebo and she's like, I really want you to turn me because, you know, like, you're going to stay this way forever and I'm going to get old and die. And he's like, I don't know about that. And then he's like, you want me to do it. it. You want me to do it right now? And she like leans back her neck and it looks like he's about to do it. But you're like, he's not going to do it at your prom. That's the thing. This got me when I was 12. There's literal laws about them not showing people who they are. You can't drink at prom and you also can't turn into a vampire up prom. You saw what happens when venom enters your body. You're going to

convulse on the floor for three days. Like it's not going to be pretty. She was ready. So he doesn't. And he's like, maybe we'll talk about it later. And she's like, fine. And then the last thing we see is somebody watching out the window and she turns around and it's fucking Victoria. And she takes the pin that's holding her shin on. And she's got tears rolling down her face because remember her mate was James.

Yeah. And to back up, they mate for life. I forgot to tell you that when James bit Bella, they rip James to pieces and rip his head off and burn his body because that's the only way you can kill a vampire. And you see it. Like it's actually awesome because Alice literally hops

up on him and just twists his head off like pop. Yeah, like a Barbie doll. It's pretty amazing while like Jasper and Emmett are holding his arms. Like it's gnarly. That poor dance studio. But that's, I know you're not going to really come back from that. No. But that's her mate. So like she's, and she has the tears running down her face. And her face looks like you, I remember seeing this and being like, oh, fuck. I said, oh, we're getting the sequel. And she just walks away. It's a great ending. It's so good. I think it's such a fun, campy, fucking weird-ass movie. It's the randomest movie of all time.

How you like it in the rain, girl? How you like it in the rain, girl? Next time it rains, I'm going to come in here and scream that at everyone. I love it. I love it. If you could outrun me. This is the skin of a killer, Bella. Like, you can't.

And then, this is not even talking about new moon. I can't. We touched on it a couple times. But barely. I can't wait. Let us talk about New Moon, everybody. New Moon is reckless. Please allow us.

It is. It's so reckless. You loved this. And if you didn't... You loved this. If you didn't, you did. You love this. I said it.

It's so much fun, though. I love it. I think it's so much fun. I hope you guys enjoyed this really big deep dive that we thought was going to be like 30 minutes and ended up being like four days. It's great. How long is it, Mikey? Like two hours. Two hours I'm going to die.

Oh, my God. I'm obsessed. All right. Well, we have to end this year because Mikey has to edit it. So we, oh, we have to end. I love you guys. We hope you keep listening. And we hope you keep it. Twilight!

Bye. The skin of a killer! Weirdos. Hello? Hello.