Morbid - The Zodiac Killer (Part 1)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, weirdos. I'm Ash. And I'm Elena. And this is morbid. I think that Ash was trying to sound vaguely like I sounded a few days ago. No, I was inspired by the Natalie. I can't do it or I'll start coughing forever. I will never stop. I'll start coughing into oblivion. Yeah, I will cough myself into like another dimension. Oh, my goodness. Into that, into like a black hole with the sound. Oh, God. Maybe that's what it is. People just cough themselves into a land that we think is a black hole in really the sounds that we're listening to that you're not even supposed to be fucking listening to. Let me tell you, that's a cursed footage. Are just people wheezing?

Starting point is 00:00:58 I think it could be. I really think. Just sick people wheezing altogether. I think that's what happens. That actually hurts. Hold on. Well, I'm almost back to normal voice. I'm getting there.

Starting point is 00:01:12 I wish you had said normal because I was going to be like, girl, never. Never been normal. Never have, never will be. Totally fine with it. But no, I think my, like, my voice is almost there. Now, it's reached a point, it's reached that sultry point. And then it's going to dip back off and become normal again. And John's going to go, oh. Oh, I know. I'm just kidding. I'm totally kidding. Oh, girl. No, he actually said last night, I missed your voice. Like, he was like, I don't know. I don't know this woman anymore. I'd like you back. Drew, what the fuck? You've never said that to me. And I was like, I'm trying. This is why I'm. I'm downing tea. Like it's going out of style.

Starting point is 00:01:47 Yeah, let's get that Lisa Kudrow voice back and it's better than ever. I still think that's the funniest, weirdest thing to come out of this podcast. I think the funniest weirdest thing to come out of this podcast is when somebody told me I wasn't using my real voice. That's pretty funny. That was my favorite. I just never in my, at the time that we started this like 32 years of life, had I ever been told that my voice sounds like Lisa Kudrow.

Starting point is 00:02:15 No. And then as soon as I started this podcast, we got message after message. And I'm like, I still personally, like I could see it, I guess, if like I had a lot of wax in my ear and a head cold. Okay. But other than that, sorry, I was playing with something. I don't really see it. Yeah, I don't know. You probably didn't even hear that because these mics are good. They like, probably not. They block out the background noise. You just blew up your own spot. I mean, what the fuck else is new? Your own fidgety little spot. It's called. Adhada. Adhada.

Starting point is 00:02:47 That's the medical term for it. Sorry, ma'am. You are experiencing symptoms of... Adhuda. Yeah. You know, we all are. Yeah, we're all there. Okay.

Starting point is 00:02:58 Yeah, I think we're doing a listener tale episode, but this is a very special one. This is a themed one. Thames. This is home invasions. Home invasions. Dwelling invasions. Nobody's ever said it in such a sultry tone before. like 911, what's your emergency?

Starting point is 00:03:17 I'm experiencing a home invasion. It's very more a rose. It is. David, I think they've just broken into our home. I think we've just busted everyone's eardrums with that. Look at that wave. Is it a wave or a lav? What do you think?

Starting point is 00:03:30 Well, that's a wave. Oh. But a file could be either, I think. Gonna ride that wave. Exactly. But also in other news, we got, we went to the PO box today. It's a po box. The Po box.

Starting point is 00:03:45 And we got some, like, very beautiful things. Yeah, we took some picks. Just very thoughtful things. We're going to share to the Instagram so that these businesses can get the recognition that they deserve. I mean, I'm sure they already are, but just blow them up even further. And just, like, you guys, like, you're just the, like, you're the shit. You guys are kind. My God.

Starting point is 00:04:07 You had me a little cry. Yeah. Honestly, one of the things made me tear up. No joke. Cry. Straight up. Say it. And what's even better, or I guess what's like even like nicer about this is like I saw some like really foul things that somebody said about me recently.

Starting point is 00:04:26 And like really foul. The way that you're going to catch these motherfucking hands. Yeah, like really foul. Like, you know, like really foul. And it was like kind of a bummer. And then this we went to the PO box. And it was like, I was like, oh, fuck that person. And like, I was like, fuck that.

Starting point is 00:04:44 Like, these are the real ones right here. They are. And, like, you guys are fucking amazing. And I just wanted to let you know that literally you changed my complete mood. You really did. You literally. I witnessed the change. It was like, it was like a load that was on your shoulders.

Starting point is 00:05:02 Yeah. Completely, like, lifted. Yeah. So I just want to thank you guys for being so rad and being awesome. You guys, I know I thank you too because I'm always in a good mood. But you make my, I'm actually not a. always in a good mood. That's a fucking lie and a half. I don't even know. Who says that? I was like, I'm always in a good mood. I'm like, I'm always in a good mood. So I was like, I'd call you out,

Starting point is 00:05:23 but I'm just going to sit here. You know that I'll always call myself out. It just came out of my mouth. I don't know, but I was in a good mood today. But that made me in an even gooder mood. Even gooder, as one of my kids would say. Yeah. And yeah, you just, you guys are awesome. And we just wanted to let you know that like, you change our moods. Constantly. Even when I'm always in a good mood. Even though Ash is literally never in a foul mood ever. It's perpetual, bitch. She's always happy no matter what.

Starting point is 00:05:51 You make it better. But you guys just like, you're so thoughtful. You're the bees' knees. And I just like want to just hug every one of you even though I fucking hate hugs. She doesn't even love. I know I say that all the time, but like I'm serious. I just wanted to thank you guys. You guys are fucking awesome.

Starting point is 00:06:07 No. And some of you, the candles that you craft. Oh my gosh. Just the shit you guys make. Yeah, like the bracelet. I want you to make, I want you to be millionaires. Like you make the coolest shit. Like, I love it.

Starting point is 00:06:22 And we're going to, we're going to put it all on blast so that hopefully you got, you know, customers that you didn't even know about. Yeah. Because your shit is awesome. You guys are super talented. You really are. And just like, so thoughtful. Yeah. It's just really nice.

Starting point is 00:06:36 So I just wanted to tell you guys, uh, thank you. And you guys fucking rock. Yay. Every single one of you. You rock my socks off. And with that... With what? I know.

Starting point is 00:06:48 With thoughts. I'm not. She said, Oh, would you like me to pause so you can break down? All right. We're back. She's back.

Starting point is 00:06:58 She's good. Guzzled some water. I'm good. Would you like me to read the first one while you recoup? Um, sure. Okay. Let me get it up here. Like, I don't have in front of me.

Starting point is 00:07:08 That's what he said. Listener. Tales, the time that I shared a beer with a home invader. Amazing. L-O-L. Here is a put-a-fah of a pretty good home invader story. Hope you like it. My daughter will flip if this gets read.

Starting point is 00:07:21 Stay weird ladies and give yourself some breaks every now and then. Listeners can deal. How do you guys know? That's from Chris, and she says, say it. And I know that I can say she because she gave me her pronouns. Thank you for doing so. Thank you for that. You guys really are the tits.

Starting point is 00:07:36 We say it every time we read the listener tales. guys just know when we need a little boost. Yeah. Or when we just need like a, hey, you're doing great. Like, you know, like you just are like, you guys just know. Everybody deserves that every now and again. It's really nice. You guys are doing great. You guys are doing great. No, you're going to do great things. You already are. All right. Hey, ladies, I'm Chris. She heard. And you can use my name. The time has come. Oh, every time I say, sorry, I'm already interrupting your whole tale. It's just who I am as a person. No, but I had to pause because Elena coughed again. So sorry. for the comeback but um sorry sorry sorry no every time i say the time has come it reminds me of harriet the

Starting point is 00:08:16 spy which is i think it's like actually alice in wonderland yeah i think it is anyways the time has come to talk of many things to me no for me to sit my middle-aged saggy ass cheeks down and write you my listener tell hell yeah but before i begin the obligatory you guys are fucking awesome rant bad asses isn't a strong enough word to describe you my god geez what you have done to turn you turn this thing you both love into an international success. Oh man, I'm getting all goofy. While being philanthropic is amazing. I'm a sucker for strong, powerful woman doing the right thing in the world and you ladies are fucking great example. Top notch. Chef's kiss. Muh. Oh, my God. This, shut up, Chris. Oh, Chris. Alina's girls are so lucky to grow up with you too as role models.

Starting point is 00:09:02 Oh, my goodness. While I'm at it, enjoy those babies while you can. Pretty soon. I know. They're growing up. They will be all grown up and too old to run and jump into your arms at the bus stop after school hugs and kisses crying now one second. Chris! No, whenever the girls come home from school, they immediately run to Elena and then they immediately run to me. And I can't handle when that's over. Oh, my God, it'll... I can't even put my brain there. No, I can't even think about it.

Starting point is 00:09:27 No, goodbye. That's so sweet, though, Chris. That was so nice of you. And I feel like you're a philanthropic, badass international woman. Hell yeah. Woman of mystery. Ooh. Okay, let's start the tale. My daughter and I discovered you last year and your podcast has brought us closer together. I love that. We talk about you all the time. We buy your recommended books and read them together and we bond in a way I didn't think we could after she became too cool for me a couple years ago. Oh. And guess what we pre-ordered? That's right, babe. A little book called The Butcher and the Wren, available at goash tiny URL.com slash the butcher in the wren. Or you can take one of the nine copies that I ordered to my home. That is amazing. Thank you so much. my team just recently dedicated a weekend to you guys and traveled up to the, uh, hopefully it's Jerome,

Starting point is 00:10:11 Arizona for a ghost hunting tour and a spooky night of graveyard walks. We spent the entire road trip trying to figure out the Diet Love Pass case. Oh, hell yeah. Side note, a highly recommended car game for you and your team. We were doing physics and using equations to calculate blast distance, super fun math. Yes. Oh yeah. I'm a nerdy PhD biomechanical engineer and did forensic biomechanics for six years. And another side note, when you ladies have had to explain the biomechanics, you do an awesome job. And I've totally used pigskin to solve the case. And that was the sidetrack of all sidetrack. So deserved and so appreciated sidetrack.

Starting point is 00:10:51 We knew that you were a badass woman. And then you just said, hello, I'm a badass woman. Hello, I'm just a PhD biomechanical engineer. And I play fucking physics games in the car. Hell yeah. When you said that I could play that game, I was like, Chris, I love you so much. But I can't play that game. With that being said, I'm an engineer and I can't spell or punctuate.

Starting point is 00:11:09 I feel like you're doing a great job so far. And you know what? You don't need to. Yeah, you don't need to. So bear or bear or beer with me. Just take one deep breath and read. I won't take too deep of a breath or I'll start coughing again. Yeah, please don't. Please don't.

Starting point is 00:11:25 It's annoying everybody. Okay, the tail or the tail. I don't give a fuck. I love you. I literally love you. On the way home from our morbid weekend, my daughter asked if I had anything I could submit as a listener tale. I laughed and I said no. And then we started listening to a tale about a home intruder. And I remember one time I woke up to someone who I didn't know watching me sleep in my own

Starting point is 00:11:43 apartment. Yeah, that was creepy. So here's that story. You're one of my favorite people that's ever existed. I just want you to know this Chris. Oh man, you are because the way you started this next paragraph. Way back in the day of the razor flip phone. Hell yeah. I had a knockoff razor. I think it was like a I think it was literally a track phone. It's like a phaser. It actually probably is. I was young, naive, broke, and a brawless 19-year-old hippie chick with the keys to my first apartment in Richmond, Virginia. Hell yeah. I don't know why I said Virginia like that.

Starting point is 00:12:15 Virginia. Virginia. Let's explain Richmond. Richmond was the murder capital of Virginia for years. It was not safe. It was very segregated and unfortunately still very racist. A lot of work has gone into getting this city into the 21st century and it's looking up. A huge help to the BLM movement.

Starting point is 00:12:30 Love to hear it. That's awesome. All right. back to my first department. Remember your first apartment? The freedom you finally wanted. Well, with freedom comes great responsibility. And my irresponsible 19-year-old perky ass learned that lesson quickly. I wish my ass was still as perky. Same. I don't think I've ever had a perky ass, to be honest, or the other thing. First off, someone should warn a girl against living with three other girls. Yeah, they definitely should. Two of which had very serious boyfriends who pretty much lived with us and had very loud sex all the time.

Starting point is 00:13:01 I don't understand that. That's a disorder. We've said that before. It's weird. If you do that intentionally while you live near people, so they will hear you, what's going on? Call a doctor. Something's happening there. Book a therapy session.

Starting point is 00:13:20 Yeah, because something strange is a foot. You don't need to do that. It's real weird. Loud sex has got to be on the top list of my pet peeves. Yeah. Yeah, same. I would rather hear fingers in a chalkboard. same. I hate, hate, hate, gross noises. Hi-five, Elena. And this was just the worst. It's like a mouth noise times a thousand. It really is. Yeah. Anyways, while they were doing the hanky-panky, I would always sit on the sofa in the living room on a portable DVD player with headphones until I fell asleep. So I hardly ever slept in my bedroom. Stage set. My roommates kind of sucked and had loud sex. I don't sleep in my room. We were irresponsible. We were young and we were dumb. This sounds like so much fun. It also just sounds like so many like 19-year-old experiences. The house was a super.

Starting point is 00:14:00 super old townhome in the heart of the city. The front door was the original 100-year-old door, and in order to lock it from the inside, you needed a skeleton key. Wow. Wow. So at night, when you were locking up, you just couldn't go lock the door. You needed to find a key in the house and lock it from the inside. That's hilarious. Honestly, that's like pretty safe. It is pretty safe, except when you need to go out, I suppose. Like if there's like a fire or something, I feel like you just always have it in your pocket. Yep. And in a house of four women, two men and endless parties, the key was rarely found. So one night after a party had died down and everybody went into their rooms to have sex because I clearly lived for two of the most horny women in the world. I went to grab my DVD player in headphones,

Starting point is 00:14:38 packed myself a sandwich, hymium reference because I didn't tell... How I met your mother. Oh, that's like a n-moment moment, isn't it? How I met your mother reference because I didn't tell my kids this part. And popped in season two of Gilmore Girls. Oh yeah. Hell yeah. Baby Rory, before Rory was a bitch. Yes. I love it. Without thinking twice about the first, front door, I slowly drift off to Dreamland on the sofa. Thank you, Blast Sandwich, for the fuzziest dreams. I love a good sandwich. This is amazing. 4 a.m. rolls around and for some reason I wake up. I don't remember hearing a distinct noise. I just know that I slowly opened my eyes and directly in front of me was a wrinkled face of an older man that I'd never seen, hunched over looking into my eyes with his

Starting point is 00:15:22 hands in his pocket. That is probably one of the last things I would want to see upon opening my eyes. One might argue the last thing. What in the actual fuck? Now, you have brought up the subject before on your show. What would you do if you woke up to somebody watching you sleep? And I'm here to tell you, I did not a single thing I thought I would have done in that scenario. I feel like that is across the board. Weirdly, somebody actually recently told Elena and I a story similar to this and said the exact same thing.

Starting point is 00:15:49 And they said they never knew what they would do, obviously. No. And they always thought, like, oh, I would do this. And then when it happened to them, they froze. So it's like you never do what you think you're going to do. I also just feel like it's not even up to you in that moment. Like it's your body. Your fight or flight.

Starting point is 00:16:07 You know, yeah. Fight, flight or freeze. That's it. Okay. So man looking into my eyes, I ninja roll onto the floor, stand my little 4 foot 11 body up. And with a perky voice and the tone of a fucking Walmart greeter, I say, Hi, how are you today? Can I help you find something?

Starting point is 00:16:23 Oh, my God. That is my favorite reaction to what? waking up to someone hunched over you. Hi, how are you today? Can I help you find something? Like, he's like, yes, actually. She says, what the fuck am I going to help him find? The man, hand still in his pockets, just looked at me, confused as fuck by this little girl in

Starting point is 00:16:38 front of him, took a step back and stuttered saying, uh, I'm picking out, sorry, I think I'm in the wrong house. That's okay. Let me show you out. He looked at a beer on the table. I offered it to him. He took one hand out of his pocket, grabbed the beer, and walked out. What the fuck?

Starting point is 00:16:54 Wow. Did I just avoid death? being hospitable to a murder. Sure did. Sure did. To a murderer. What was in his pocket? What was he doing in my house?

Starting point is 00:17:03 I ran back upstairs, found the stupid key, locked the door, ate another sandwich or four, and curled up in the fetal position watching Gilmore girls until one of my roommates woke up. Wow. I must explain who I am as a person. I feel like we already know, Chris. Oh, you're a person that I love and cherish.

Starting point is 00:17:17 Truly. Is who you are. I, uh, la le de dubu. And, uh, am I right? No. I don't know. I must explain who I am as a person. in order for you to fully understand that behavior. I'm a peacemaker. Same. A people pleaser.

Starting point is 00:17:30 Wow. And a feather on ruffler. I think I made that one up. I think we have a lot in common, Chris, other than the whole physics and PhD thing. I have one goal in life to be a person who brings joy to others no matter what. I love that. I love you. I get that that can be taken too far, like in this example when the person you are trying to please is a home intruder. But that's what I live for. Just to know that I maybe made somebody's day a little better by coming into contact with my smile or gesture. That's why I wave at people. It's true. Ash, waves at everybody. I love waving at people. I think about this guy a lot, actually. I think about my response and why I was that way. I'm a believer in everyone, everyone, even if you cross me. My subconscious woke up and went,

Starting point is 00:18:07 he needs help, not he's going to kill me. Wow. What if he was just a homeless with dementia? That's what I was wondering. What if he just needed a meal? What if he hadn't come into my home and went to somebody else's who could have killed him? Maybe he was meant to come upon me that morning. maybe I even, or excuse me, maybe I showed him kindness and he needed that. Maybe I changed his life. Or maybe he went away and murdered my neighbor. Who knows? Or that.

Starting point is 00:18:29 Anyway, PSA, lock your fucking door and don't eat too many sandwiches. Peace, love and happiness, my weirdos, really quick. Two additional PSAs that I can't resist the opportunity to shout out if given a platform. Absolutely. One, foster kiddos. My husband and I have fostered and adopted from the U.S. foster system for several years now. I just wanted to let people know that fostering. Parents are always needed. If you ever listen to Elena and Ash talk about these poor kiddos with

Starting point is 00:18:54 severe childhood trauma and you think to yourself, I want to help, you can. Please contact your local foster agencies. You don't even have to commit to fostering. There are so many options and ways to help. Favorite agency, Arizona Friends of Foster Care? And Chris was so nice to give us a link that we will definitely include in the show notes. And number two, foster dogs. I'm also a doggo foster mom and the same goes for them. Foster parents are always needed. it's hard to give them back, but boy, oh boy, do they melt your heart while you provide them a safe space to grow and learn? Ash, we even named one of our fosters after you, Ash. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:19:31 I love that. Elena, yours is coming. This one just had an ash vibe. I'm literally obsessed. Oh, my God, I love it. And Chris also gave us, um, did you just see me doing that? Chris gave us a link. I have a separate mouse to like the desktop and then my laptop has its own mouse.

Starting point is 00:19:47 And I was just trying to use my laptop mouse, but I was using the wrong. one and I was getting really confused. Pictures. Me and my BFF set 19. I'm very scary, right? Me and my family this year. Me and my daughter on our morbid weekend. Oh my God, I love you guys. Your black clab is Ash because I don't know if you know this, but that's my favorite dog. Okay, wait, you were adorable. Your family is beautiful. Your daughter has gorgeous hair, both of them. I literally love you guys. And that dog is beautiful because his name is Ash or her name is Ash. I'm obsessed with all you. I love. You're all lovely. Alina, do you really think you're going to be able to read a Taylor? Do you want me to just read this? I'm going to give it a try. Okay. I'll give it a try. All right. Capricorns never give up. I have that thing. You know that thing. You know that thing. You know that thing. You know that thing. You know that thing. At the end of the day during like a cold. And it's like, you have, like, your body has

Starting point is 00:20:50 no autonomy against this cough coming out. It's just like, it's coming. That's what keeps happening. I totally get that. But you know, it's fine. All right. Well, try to read a listener tale. Let's see. Which one should I read? The time I was almost kidnapped in Fucktown, Indiana. Let's go. Okay. Let's go for that one. Yeah. All right, it says, let's see. Oh, no. I'm upset. I'm summoned a demon. I was going to say you were holding coughs and burps. But then as I went to say it, I like kind of swallowed my burp. And it really hurt.

Starting point is 00:21:41 All right, I've taken the time to calm down. And what I was saying is I was, I thought Elena was holding in a cough. But at the same time, I was holding in a burp. But then when I went to say that, the burp kind of like lodged itself further down into my chest, and it really hurt. We're having a lot of situations happening all at once. It's also 8.46 p.m. Yeah, it's late. So we're, you know.

Starting point is 00:22:03 We've had like a full day of recordings. Recordings. That's why my voice is just Dunsky. That's why the cough keeps coming. But we're going to work through this. So this one is called The Time I Almost was kidnapped in Fucktown, Indiana. Yay. It says, hello to my favorite people on planet Earth.

Starting point is 00:22:22 I have attached a PDF for your creepy reading pleasures. Hope you guys will read this because I would love nothing more than to get to rub it into my husband's face and tell him how lame he is and how cool I am. Do it. Hell yeah. Let's see. Hello, my name is Jordan. Yes, use my name, please.

Starting point is 00:22:39 Okay, Jordan. And yes, I'm in love with y'all, but if I start talking about my undying love for you, this won't ever turn into a listener tale. But I must first say first, Elena. I cried ugly tears when you lost Bailey. And Ash, I cannot wait to hear all about your wedding. Oh, thanks. Thank you for that.

Starting point is 00:22:56 So anyways, let me set the scene. Okay. 14-year-old Jordan, living her best life, is forced to go to bump, fuck Indiana for a week during the summer to visit my grandparents. Yes, I loved them so much, but I was not thrilled to be in Tiny Town USA with nothing to do but go to church or McDonald's or stare at my annoying little brother. Oh, McDonald's. With boredom setting in on day three of nothingness, my brother and I decided to go for a walk

Starting point is 00:23:22 around the neighborhood and just do annoying teenager shit. Dingong Dich. Act like we were so cool on skateboards and pretending to do tricks like we were Tony Hawk. I was terrible and my brother at least had balance. So in my grandparents' neighborhood, there were these shit creepy alleys backing up to everybody's home. We were running around the alley behind her street and decided it was time to go back to her million-year-old house

Starting point is 00:23:46 and watch a movie before bed. We were sleeping on couches downstairs since my parents were in one room and my grandparents were in the other. Around 2 a.m., I got that weird feeling that someone was watching me. The couch I was sleeping on was in front of the sitting room facing the porch and Main Street and my brother in the back sitting room by the kitchen and back door leading into the alley.

Starting point is 00:24:07 I decided to lay down on my cinder block of a fucking couch and try to sleep. Almost immediately after getting comfy, I hear footsteps behind me. No, thank you. Coming from the room my brother was in right next to me. I assumed my brother had woken up and was just trying to scare me. I was facing into the back of the couch so I couldn't see behind me. They got louder and closer, so I yelled, go the fuck to sleep, Zach. Leave me alone.

Starting point is 00:24:32 Leave me alone. There it is. The footsteps stopped. Thinking my teenage older brother's superiority made him go back to bed, I was trying to get comfy again. Then the steps got louder and closer again. I was so annoyed, I threw the blanket off me, spun around and stood up. Who was there? Not my fucking brother.

Starting point is 00:24:52 There was a man standing about three inches from my face wearing all black, a ski mask, and gloves. Nope. I couldn't even make annoy. I remember studying him for a second and trying to figure out what the fuck was I going to do if he touched me. I had never shit my pants so hard in my life. As I started to open my mouth to try and scream, he ran away, jumping over the coffee table and through the room my brother was in and threw the back to the alley. What the fuck? What the fuck?

Starting point is 00:25:20 Now, 14-year-old Jordan was already 5'9 and about 150 pounds. Same sister. And this little shit stain was maybe 5'6 and 120 pounds soaking wet. I guess he realized I wasn't going to be some easy target to take back to his Indiana dungeon. This little fucker had the audacity to think he could take me, but didn't realize how tall I was, and I guess that scared him. Good. I ran upstairs, leaving my brother, because fuck him. That dude wanted me, obviously, since he passed right by my sleeping brother and came straight to me.

Starting point is 00:25:52 I banged on my parents' door, and my grandparents came out after hearing the commotion. After catching my breath, I was finally able to tell them what happened, and my dad, and my dad, dad and grandfather both grabbed a shotgun and went running into the alley while my mom called the police and my grandfather got my brother from downstairs. Side note, my brother slept through this whole ordeal. That has some serious ash energy. It does. But you know what? Kids, like siblings, will sleep through that shit because it's not their problem. Yeah, your doctor told me that. My doctor told us at least when they're six, but you guys were older, so I don't think that excuse stance. I don't know. If it's like not your responsibility, is that a younger brother?

Starting point is 00:26:29 No, this is older brother. Oh, older brother? Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah. So, really excuse doesn't stand. He's just a heavy sleeper. You know, the police got there and told us the gate to the alley was open, but the back door didn't look like it was tampered with.

Starting point is 00:26:41 And my grandmother said, oh, well, we don't lock the doors. Bitch what? That was what she wrote, not me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bitch what? God rest her soul, but what in the actual Indiana fuck is wrong with her? We didn't think to lock the door. You didn't think to lock the doors with your grandchildren in the house?

Starting point is 00:26:59 My parents didn't think to check. I was almost on a fucking milk carton and my grandma acted like it was no big deal. She's like, of course he came in. Of course there's no tampering. The police stayed outside all night and talked along with my brother. And I asked if anybody talked to us that day, then it dawned on me. A weird 20-something kept trying to talk to me when we were going to McDonald's. And he definitely watched us go into my grandmother's house.

Starting point is 00:27:23 Ooh. The police told my mom, not in a rude or creepy way, they thought this guy was probably enamored by me since I was blonde, tall, young, and was already rocking double D tini. I'm screaming. I am screaming. I am screaming. They assumed the same thing I did that because I was so much taller than him, he bitched out like the pussy he was and ran for his life.

Starting point is 00:27:46 That's fucking iconic. Why are you guys so great? I love you guys. Needless to say, I didn't sleep that night and we left at 7 a.m. the next morning and I was terrified that homie was going to follow us back to Georgia and try to get me again. I don't blame you. That would have traumatized me. Of course it would have. Ever since then, I've been overly aware of my surroundings and live by the motto, fuck around and find out. That's Elena's motto. That is my motto. Thanks for reading my one experience in Indiana and while I'll

Starting point is 00:28:14 never go back. I have tons of weird ghost stories too. If you want to hear them, let me know. We want to hear them. I love you guys and keep this shit weird. Now take it away, Ash. But that's okay. But that's where that you go to Indiana and you side our time. But that's the way that you go to Indiana and you decide or try to visit your grandparents and you're like, oh, yay, McDonald's, that'll be fun. And then you run into this creepy guy and maybe he likes you because you're a double-d-y-diedies. And you're just like, oh, my God, that's a lot. Oh, my gosh. And then he breaks into your house because grandma doesn't lock her doors because she doesn't care that we're going to be sleeping on the couch and we're going to die.

Starting point is 00:28:41 God rest your soul. But what the fuck? That's amazing, Jordan. That was a lot and terrifying. I love this. Terrifying. My next one. Are you jelly?

Starting point is 00:28:53 I'm very jelly. Are you jelly fish? It's listener tales Boston edition. Boston. And it says, hello. If you guys are actually reading this, we are. Thank you. Attached as a double space put a foe for your reading pleasure.

Starting point is 00:29:08 Please enjoy. Let me pull this up. Listener tales, the time that I woke up to a man watching me sleep and ended up on the front page of the Boston Herald. Wow. That's a loaded caption. It's not a caption. I'm like, that's a loaded caption on this picture. That's not here.

Starting point is 00:29:25 Hold on. I zoomed in too much. I'm literally sold. You can do it. I can't. I can't. Hello, my two favorite weirdos. Thank you for being you and allowing all of us listeners into your lives.

Starting point is 00:29:36 I started listening to you guys when you were on the episode of the coffee combos podcast and I've been hooked ever since. That was Kale and Lindsay's podcast. That was so much fun. That was fun. They're two fun gals. Listening to you guys makes it feel like I'm hanging out with my besties and I am so excited every time a new episode is released. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:29:56 We didn't plan that. We didn't. We do that so often. It's like really embarrassing. A lot. I don't even want to be like you. I don't want to be like you. I don't want to be like you.

Starting point is 00:30:05 I just want to be mean to you. Yeah. Wait, I don't want to be like, that's a song. I don't want to be like you. That is a song. What is that song? What is that song? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:30:17 I don't want to be like you. I was going to keep doing it over and over. I don't want to. I'm just kidding. Somebody is sitting there being like, it's fucking this, idiot. Sorry. Please tweet at me. My name is Emily.

Starting point is 00:30:29 Feel free to use it as many times as you want during the story. Okay, Emily. Emily wrote, as we will see at the end, the Boston Herald ran not one, but two articles about this incident. So there's no point in trying to hide my identity, which is Emily. Emily. Oh, no, my goodness. Trigger warning for attempted rape.

Starting point is 00:30:47 To my knowledge, nobody in this situation was raped, but it is clear that that was the intent. That's horrific. That's horrific. I'm so happy that nobody was. I'm going to include links to both articles as well as the horrendous picture they used as the front page. You're welcome for the laugh in advance. We would never laugh at you, Emily.

Starting point is 00:31:06 Now, for a little backstory and to set the scene, it was June of 2010. I was going to pharmacy school in Boston. That's badass. Seriously. I shared an apartment with five other classmates. Side note, when we signed the lease, the landlord told us that only four people could be on it, since more than four unrelated people living together is considered a brothel and illegal. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:31:24 I have no idea how true that is, but the last one. thought it was fun to share. That is true. I had friends that that happened to. That's amazing. So technically we had a brothel when we lived in Quincy. Oh yeah. But does that count if it's like dudes? I don't know. Or is it like sexist? I don't know. It's probably sexist. I hope not. I hope it was considered a brothel. That would be like a hop and brothel. Well, there was gals. Did you just hear me? I said you had a hop and bropple. A hop and brothel. Because there was a lot of you. There was two gals. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So That's a lot of peeps. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:57 That was a big old brop. It was. A real big broop. Brop. So we lived in a classic Boston Brownstone on Wigglesworth Street. I didn't even know that fucking existed. You know the kind with the fire escapes on the back. Those always make me so nervous, though, because intrud us.

Starting point is 00:32:14 But the brownstones are beautiful. Like goals. Yeah. We have the upper two floors and the bottom two floors were our neighbors. Now, because it was summer, all five of my other roommates had gone back to their homes. I decided to stay and work in Boston and had my then-boyfriend, aka current ex-husband, wamp-w-w-w-w-w-living with me at the time. I'm sorry, Emily.

Starting point is 00:32:35 This is probably the only time that I could say I was truly grateful for him. Anyways. Oh, that was a sick burn. That was a sick burn. I loved it. Fuck you, Emily's ex. We were getting ready to go to bed for the night. We had a room on the bottom floor, meaning that there was an entire upper floor that was not being used.

Starting point is 00:32:49 We had turned off all the lights and I was starting to fall asleep. I thought I heard a noise. You did. You definitely did. You heard one. I didn't think much of it at the time because, hello, it's Boston and I'm living around a bunch of other college kids. That's true. A few minutes later, right as I was falling asleep, something told me to open my eyes. And that is when I saw a guy about my age, just standing there and watching me sleep. I hate this so much. I can't handle this. Naturally, I screamed like I have never screamed before. See, we have like three totally different reactions already. I know, true. That is happening. That is crazy. The intruder must have assumed that I was home alone because,

Starting point is 00:33:32 girl, he was surprised when my then-boyfriend got up and started chasing him out. Good. While he's chasing the intruder down the stairs, I'm frantically calling 911. When they get to the end of the stairs, then-boyfriend starts punching the intruder in the face. At some point, the intruder is able to open the front door and run. As he's running out, the downstairs neighbors come to see what's happening, and they get a better look at the intruder than I did. It turns out that this guy was not working alone. Oh. And it was not the first house on the first street that they had attempted to break into that night.

Starting point is 00:34:03 That's so fucked. I hate this. They tried breaking into at least two other apartments before mine, both of which were college-age females, home alone. Both of these guys were drunk or high on something. One of them was the lookout while the other guy was the one who actually broke in. That's so fucked. And that's the thing I was going to say. She said they must have been watching, they must have both been watching my apartment.

Starting point is 00:34:24 from the back and waiting for me to turn all my lights off. Oh. The fact, like the thought of, like, just the casual act of you turning your lights off, but the fucking nefarious, scary-ass motherfuckers outside watching you do that. Like, I hate it. It's like the butcher and the rent. It's the fucking dueling stories. There you go. I hate it. Nice plug. I liked it. Elena gave me her illness right there. Sorry. I was down with the sickness. No. After they thought I was asleep, the intruder climbed the fire escape of the back of the building. The noise I thought I heard. He was trying to open the window in the bedroom that I knew, that he knew I was in. It was locked, thank you. So he made his way up to the top floor where one of my roommates

Starting point is 00:35:03 who had left for the summer left her bedroom windows unlocked. Oh my God. The way I would have slapped that, but no, I'm just kidding. I would have. Elina said, I'll do it. I'll do it. It was obvious that he was not there to rob us as nothing in the apartment was taken or even touched. He was there to rape me. Oh my God. Just like he had tried and failed to rape the two women before me. Wow. I'm so sorry that you had like have to have that thought in your mind that even could have happened because that's such a violation even that yeah it's a violation of your safety and your privacy and everything he did not realize that there was anybody else in the apartment with me at the time i didn't realize that was the motive but looking back it's so obvious yeah because they had attempted to break into other appointments

Starting point is 00:35:42 apartments before mine the police were already close by first they caught the lookout guy in the backyard while the police had him in custody his phone rang oh my god it was the intruder calling you him. Fuck this guy. The lookout guy hands his phone to the police officers to answer. The officer asked him where he was, to which he replied that he was on the roof of the stop and shop nearby. He then added, oh, that was fucked what we did and hung up. Because these idiots were inebriated, the police were able to apprehend them very quickly. Wow. That's so crazy. I was in such a state of panic that when the officers asked me to come outside and identify the suspects, it didn't even occur to me that I was still in my pajamas wearing a tank top with no bra. Oh my god. They should have

Starting point is 00:36:25 thought to say something to you like hey you want to grab a sweatshirt. You want to grab a sweatshirt. Girlfriend. That's why we need a lady there sometimes. So here I am outside with a million people and several guys lined up with headlights shining on them trying to figure out which guy wanted to read me all while barely wearing any clothes. That's horrific. Myself, my then boyfriend and our downstairs neighbors were all able to pick out the intruder right away. Both guys were charged with breaking and entering that night with an attempt to commit a felony. I was asked to be in court, but I could not imagine having to look at this guy again. So I decided not to attend.

Starting point is 00:36:56 I don't blame you at all. No. I wrote my victim impact statement, which was read during the hearing. At the end of the hearing, they were ordered, get ready to be enraged. To apologize to the both of us, perform 25 hours of community service each, and take part in a substance abuse program that was at least a year long. That's it? You read that correctly. All they got was this slap on the wrist.

Starting point is 00:37:22 What? I'm convinced this is because they both came from very prominent and wealthy families who could not bear the thought of having this on their son's record. Fuck that. How about not bearing the thought that your son might be a rapist? Yeah. And like standing on the side of the girl and making sure that the right charges are brought against him. Fuck that.

Starting point is 00:37:40 In 25 hours of community service a day. And like a year of a program. Are you kidding? and to apologize, you think I want anything to do with this fuckers? You think I want you ever to speak to me? Like, I cease and desist that. Now we get to the part about the Boston Herald. A few weeks go by, and I'm trying to get back to life as normally as I can.

Starting point is 00:37:59 This is not an easy thing to do, because if I thought I was an anxious person before this, you best believe that was nothing compared to how anxious I'd become. One day, I'm in the shower and the doorbell rings. There's no reason for our doorbell to ring ever. Then boyfriend goes down to the open, to open the door, and tells me it's a reporter from the Boston Herald who wants to interview us. I'm thinking to myself, what the fuck? I'm naked in the shower and they want an interview right now.

Starting point is 00:38:24 No warning, nothing. So I get out and I get dressed as quickly as I can. I'm not thinking about what I'm putting on because they wouldn't think about taking my picture, right? Wrong. They take our picture. I'm wearing an old t-shirt and shorts and I'm pretty sure I didn't even brush my hair. Oh my God. This picture was on the front page of the Herald.

Starting point is 00:38:43 I've attached the articles to the email and as you can imagine, I was mortified when I saw this picture. By the way, a quick Google search says that I can buy that photo for $500 from Getty Images. I would pay that much just for them to delete it. Oh, my God, I would do that. I swear, if we could get them to delete it for you, we would. Literally. So this is the story of how my ex-husband potentially saved my life after we woke up to a man

Starting point is 00:39:04 watching me sleep and then ended up featured on the front page of the herald. And this is my PSA to always lock your doors and windows and to always keep your curtains and blind shut and to never let natural light in because you never know who may be out there watching you through your windows fresh air is for dead people am i right thank you for reading this and i hope you keep it weird but not so weird that take it away ash which is me not so weird that you didn't even keep it that weird you didn't do anything wrong don't keep it so weird that you break in a fucking people's houses because i will punch you and so will emily's ex-boyfriend husband sorry oh so you know what you'll look great in that picture emily i didn't even look hold on let me see

Starting point is 00:39:44 Oh, but I can tell that you're like, are you fucking getting me? Your face is literally screaming, are you fucking kidding me? That's iconic. That's so funny. Wow. Oh, I forgot that you were coughing. I'm like, what are you sick or something? I can't.

Starting point is 00:40:01 I put a cough drop in my mouth for that one so that I wouldn't have that many coughs. Aw. Seemed to help a little bit. It did. That was a nice suggestion. It was a nash suggestion. T.M. T.M.

Starting point is 00:40:13 So, Emily. I'm glad that you're okay. I know. You look great. You have great natural hair too. You don't have to brush it. Yeah. Just let it go.

Starting point is 00:40:22 In fact, you shouldn't brush it after you get out of the shower. There you go. Hair stylist right there. Yeah. So this next one is entitled, I saved us with a dinosaur encyclopedia. So there we go. All righty.

Starting point is 00:40:35 And this comes to us from Tessiah McFrontbaum. It truly does. It does. It always has and it always will. And I see what you did there with my name. to sigh a Mick front bum. Okay. I see that you added an extra S in the parenthesis so it could be ass. Huh. Ass huh. When I was little, my little brother couldn't pronounce, well, yeah, I was little too. My little brother couldn't pronounce my name, so he would just call me assly. I love that. And it stuck for a while,

Starting point is 00:41:00 and it makes me angry. And we still, we still say ass. Nah. No, we don't. We never say that. It's because this work environment is so incredibly toxic. It is. So I call you an asshole all the time. You asshole. I never do. You sunshine. You are. So it says, Call me a little sunshine. Little sunshine. Is that what it is? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:18 Call me a little sunshine. Yeah. Why are you so confused by that? I don't know. I'm so confused by a lot of things. You like just phased out into space for a minute. You were like, call me a little sunshine. I had a vision.

Starting point is 00:41:31 Is it because everything okay? I'm so ash. Wow. Okay. So here's my submission for a listener tale. And it's about the time I goddamn smashed a creepy stocker bicycle man's fingers. Sorry for the lengths. You never have to be.

Starting point is 00:41:46 Mr. Mcfront, Mum. I've grown up in America, but when I was young, my family and I would return to Thailand during my summer breaks from school. However, I would attend school while I was in Thailand, so, like, I never got a break from school. Fuck that. This is aggressively Asian, but it's cool.

Starting point is 00:42:01 My family and I are from a very small rural village in a small province in Nakan, Sawan. I'm so sorry if I said that wrong. I know I did. Just about two or so hours away from Bangkok. Everyone, everyone knows everyone and knows everything about everyone. I'm somewhat of a freak over there because I wear lighter colored contacts. I have very long hair and a fairly light skin since I'm from Washington and I get sunlight for like three days a year. It's mostly

Starting point is 00:42:29 the long hair that is striking because school-aged girls have to have their hair cut into a bob because I don't know, constitutional monarchy and lice. You're hilarious. You sound also super cool. You do. I was around 12 or 13 around this time, and my then best friend joined me in Thailand for our summer break. She also drew a lot of attention because she was tall as balls for our age and white, blonde, and has rosacea, so super pink cheeks like a doll. Oh, well, cutie. We were a shocking duo for my sheltered village. It was like we were human zoos anytime we left the house. No exaggeration. My family and I live on a sort of compound in the entrance of a village. Our land has my uncle's house, which doubles as a mechanic shop, as well as a restaurant run by my aunt. Oh, cool.

Starting point is 00:43:14 Our house, which is just a house and my grandparents tree bungalow. That sounds amazing. That sounds like a movie. There's a small bamboo forest in my backyard as well, and the gate is locked late at night depending on when my uncle finishes his cars. One morning, I came outside for breakfast and noticed a man that I had never met before chatting with my dad as he was unsuccessfully trying to start a dirt bike. Again, we all know each other in the village, so like, whom's are you, sir, and why are you in my yard? He was super skinny, and his skin looked like a brown pleather couch. Gross. At first, I thought he was missing a lot of teeth until I noticed that a number of them were just actually completely dark brown.

Starting point is 00:43:55 Oh. He was older than my dad, probably around mid-50s, and I noticed that he was speaking to my dad in a way that a peasant would speak to a king. think your majesty, your lordship type of vibes. Very odd. All right. He's like role playing. It is customary in Thai culture that elders be greeted, no matter how many brown teeth they have. I stopped to greet him. That's like a wonderful part of your culture. No matter what. Yeah. I stopped to greet him before heading off to breakfast and my dad introduced him briefly. I assumed that he was my uncle's customer and was waiting for his car. He greeted me back and started asking my dad weird things. like, is my hair real? How beautiful I am. Am I staying long? How did I learn tie, etc.?

Starting point is 00:44:39 You're like, I literally am. You're like that, you know, it just happened. My dad answered him and continued on about his dirt pike, so I said goodbye and left. Shortly after I walked away, creepy bicycle man, as we will now call him, hopped onto a rickety old, old, rusted red bicycle and headed out of our yard. I remembered watching him leave and thinking, God damn, someone get that man some WD40, because the horrendous creaking and squeaking coming from that bike made me want to propel myself into the sun like a gassy jetback. The days went on like this, and I began noticing CBM almost everywhere.

Starting point is 00:45:15 Creepy bike man. If my friend and I were going to grab lunch somewhere, he'd be there. Sometimes he would help my great aunt out at the, or excuse me, sometimes we would help my great aunt out at the local, preschool and often when I came outside, I could hear that God-forsaken bicycle either leaving or coming. He did not have a child at the preschool, I learned, nor did he have a child attending the school that I did, which I spotted him around on numerous occasions just bumming around. I'm really stressed out for you.

Starting point is 00:45:43 I do not like it. Again, small village, I figured I was just noticing him more now because I had seen him. He started speaking to me more passing, always just small talk about how my day was going, when I was leaving for the States. he started showing up even more and eventually got to the point where when I woke up for school, like early as fuck, like our rooster crowing

Starting point is 00:46:03 the second the son's ass crack showed up early, he would be out on the streets riding on his bike or was already in our yard. What the hell? Apparently he was finding odd jobs around our houses to do, helping my grandpa with gardening, helping with dishes, helping with mechanics, etc.

Starting point is 00:46:19 Which is like great, but like why are you being creepy about it? What the fuck is he up to? I finally asked my mom just who the hell he was because I started to get a bit weirded out. Turns out I had never met him before because he had just gotten out of rehab. But his mom was a friend of my grandma's. Actually, side note, my grandma is a badass motherfucker who is tatted and raises fighting cocks, which I wholeheartedly do not support. And bruised themselves her own moonshine. And this guy's mom was a moonshine buddy, I guess. I have a question. What? What is moonshine? It's like intense, like very like distilled fucking,

Starting point is 00:46:55 I know that. Yeah. But like what kind? Is it just like alcohol? It's moonshine. It's its own brand. I think it's just his own thing. I have always thought that moonshine was like some kind of wild ass vodka, which like maybe it is.

Starting point is 00:47:07 Who knows? To be honest, I don't really know. I just know it's like moonshine. Yeah, I know it's like wild. I think actually Caleb likes or like has tried moonshine. Caleb let us know. Caleb, right in. Caleb right is it.

Starting point is 00:47:19 So anyhow, everyone was trying to give him a sell. Also your grandma sounds fucking hilarious. She truly does. I love that she's tad. Anyhow, everyone was trying to give him a second chance at life now that he was off whatever he was on and couldn't get a job anywhere. My friend and I told my mom that he had been showing up everywhere, but my parents chalked it up to, well, yeah, you two are so interesting to the people around here. He's probably harmless and curious. Again, sounds conceited and ridiculous, but there were times where we would go into town to grocery shop and people would ask to take pictures with us for no other reason than to tell people that they saw someone who looks like we do.

Starting point is 00:47:53 My mom said that people used to ask to take pictures of me in Hawaii because they called me a howlie, which means white girl. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's funny. I didn't know that. Things are very different now. Lots of development and tourism. But at the time, this was just what we dealt with.

Starting point is 00:48:08 Fast forward to a week or so more of this. One night, my friend and I were sitting in my bedroom just hanging out. She was on her Game Boy playing Harvest Moon, Friends of Mineral Town because we some agricultural and harmonious ass bitches. I'm obsessed with you. Were you playing Harvest Moon Aquarian? That's amazing. And I was studying a dinosaur encyclopedia. Cash.

Starting point is 00:48:30 Yes. We heard a very strange sound. It was a sort of sliding or shuffling noise and then a thunk. Sliding, shuffling, then thunk. Sliding, then thunk. We both stopped moving and listened. I turned and looked at the window where the noises were coming from and realized that the sliding was from two plether couch, skinny, fucking skeleton fingers,

Starting point is 00:48:50 popping up, pushing my window open ever so slightly, and the thunk was the person falling back down. I'm leaving. I got to go. I'm out. The houses there are raised, even if it's single level, due to the crazy floods we have. So this window is technically the first floor, but it's about 10 feet off the ground or whatever. I don't know. I'm 4.11.

Starting point is 00:49:10 The shit is high up, okay? I'm not an architect. I love you. This dude was fucking jumping up to my window over and over and over. My friend fucking abandons me and just runs right out of my bedroom. I walk over with my dinosaur encyclopedia, which I attached a pickup now because I couldn't, how could I not keep it just based on the subject matter alone? No truth. No lies detected.

Starting point is 00:49:34 And the next time his fingers popped up, I slammed it down on them. Hell yeah. That's what you do. I heard him yelp and fall back down and sure his shit when I looked out the window, his gangly ass was running away. I ran out of my room and ran into my grandpa. And when I told him, he ran right out the front door in his underwear, which was a utility, with a utility belt and shotgun. I need pictures of that moment. I'm obsessed with your family and you. I love all of you. The dude was already on his loud ass bicycle from scitchy, scratchy hell and rolling out of our yard.

Starting point is 00:50:04 But my grandpa shot at him, missed, and then threw a small axe as well. Just for good measure. It says, I love him. Rest in peace. But I love that he truly thought he could just tomahawk this bitch from the front door. Listen, grampas can do anything. LMFAO for the win. The next day, my family went to his poor, to his poor mother's house to confront them about what happened. And he had left the village. He packed up and left the night before, leaving his mom just heartbroken and confused.

Starting point is 00:50:35 But he probably knew that intense bodily harm was imminent just based on my family's reputation. Yeah, he knew that axe was going to get him one way or the other. Yeah, don't fuck with your family. That's a whole different story. but like we live on a compound. Just think Godfather thoughts. You know what? I'll just mention it.

Starting point is 00:50:51 My father, my grandpa has shotgun blasted some dude out of our bungalow that was creeping up in the middle of the night when I was around four years old. And the neighbors will remember that short sort of thing. Of course they will. So can we just like hang out? Like you're just fucking hilarious. Doesn't it? Holy shit.

Starting point is 00:51:09 It gives me Caleb vibes. You really do give me Caleb vibes. Anyway, years later. I spotted him once in the city. He made eye contact with me and disappeared into the crowd. Oh, no. But I didn't chase him or anything. What would I even say?

Starting point is 00:51:23 What up, smashy fingers? You're back again? I don't know. Thanks for reading my bullshit. Anyways, you too brighten up my days. You just brightened up our day. You brighten the shit out of this day. I am so happy that the little morbids are all okay,

Starting point is 00:51:35 and I will always in forever keep it weird. But not so weird that you keep an old ass bike that squeak is louder than the hat. Fuck, I can't read it because it's all one thing. But not so weird that you keep an old ass bike that squeets like. out of the hashlingings slasher and try to like climb to children's windows like just buy a new fucking bike. Fuck you. Stay off of whatever you were on.

Starting point is 00:51:55 P.S. also attached as a photo of my dog Azula and a cool hat because I don't know. I just want to share with you. I feel like that's all right. Also the dinosaur encyclopedia. Wait, you've, you've neglected to mention how, of course you said how cute your dog is, but you did not say that your dog was wearing a hat that says Bigfoot is real and he tried and he tried. And he tried to eat my ass because you didn't share that part.

Starting point is 00:52:18 Also, we have this blanket. We literally have this blanket. We literally do. From home goods. We are supposed to be best friends. I know it. You are Caleb on another plane. Like, I just feel it.

Starting point is 00:52:29 This is so wild. Wow. That was great. All right. So next up we have Mr. Jim, the Cray, Cray Appalachian crypted. Wow. I'm in. Hello, re-submitting as a put-a-fah.

Starting point is 00:52:45 Sorry I didn't do that before. Thank you. Don't be sorry. You wrote thank you. I wasn't being like, yeah, thanks, asshole. I love you. Hello ladies. I love you.

Starting point is 00:52:54 My name is Kristen. Hi, Kristen. Hello. I'm a new listener as of March of 2022, and I fell in love from the very first episode I heard, which was the Osseh witch trials. Oh, man. That was a good one to start with. That'll do it. You had me hooked, literally lolling in the car on the way to work.

Starting point is 00:53:11 Thou hast to get fucked, bitch. is now something I say out loud to no one at least five times a day. I love that. Yeah, a lot of you were like really pissed off that I did not name my cat, Titty. Oh. He's like, he's like kind of gray, but like not completely. I'm going to be honest, I did not know that people were mad about that. I'm now mad about that.

Starting point is 00:53:31 Yeah. I've joined the ranks of the angered masses. I couldn't have Franklin Lucks and Titty. You could. I could. You should. But I have Franklin Lux and Remy. It's true.

Starting point is 00:53:42 It's cute. Remy, Titty. similar. It's no titty, but it'll work. No titty. He doesn't have any titties because he's a boy. So, yeah. And I've spent the last few months binge listening to all the episodes. With the most recent listener

Starting point is 00:53:54 Tales episode, I figured it was time to send you my spooky story. I've submitted this before. However, I was dumb and I didn't realize that you would prefer a double space put a full, and I should let you know that you can use my name. I have changed the names of everybody else in the story so that you can use both of those too.

Starting point is 00:54:11 I added the part where it said both of. They just said we could add those. He just added it. Upon realizing the error of my ways, I have corrected them and resubmitted and away we go. You did not have to do that, by the way. That was really nice of you. But you're phenomenal. Love you, Kristen. It was 2008. I was 14.

Starting point is 00:54:27 The theme of the story. Theme of the listener tales. Yes. And I was asked to babysit my three younger cousins, age four, eight, and one in an extremely rural mountainous part of Pennsylvania. My aunt and uncle had a wedding to go to over an hour away and wouldn't be back until very late. Their house was

Starting point is 00:54:43 situated on a steep mountain side. Their back deck had a 15-foot drop onto a rocky hill below leading down into a river. Oh, love it. Beautiful, but dangerous. Dangerous. Their closest neighbors were about a half a mile away. The closest main road was a mile away, and at night, there were no lights to be seen anywhere around them. Basically, it was in the middle of nowhere, and you would have to know where you were going to get there. No one just accidentally wound up there. my aunt and uncle left us with some pizza and their cell phone number next to their landline. I was only 14 and a poor bitch didn't even have a cell phone. Even if we did, I wouldn't get reception there anyway.

Starting point is 00:55:18 And then they had it out. The baby was already asleep. The four-year-old wasn't feeling well and was quietly watching TV in the living room as he slept on and off. And the eight-year-old was playing guitar hero with me up on the loft. Amazing. That's like taking me back to my babysitting days. A sign of the times. Truly.

Starting point is 00:55:34 The loft over, oh, that made me miss the Harry Styles concert. badly. I just had like an actual, it's sign of the times. It's a sign. The way you just looked at me bewildered. Absolutely bewildered. That's me. You never heard like, just stop you're crying. It's a sign of the time. Oh, yeah, yeah. I have. Cannot sing. La da da da da. This description of the driveway is an important detail to the story, I promise. The road that led to their house ran straight into their forked driveway. It was a dead end road. The house was as far as you could possibly go. Go to the left driveway, there is a large open carport, and that's where my aunt and uncle and anyone who ever visited parked. The right driveway led down a very short but very steep hill to a large leveled out area

Starting point is 00:56:17 and ended against the garage door that opened to the basement of the house. It was never used as a garage but served as my uncle's man cave and where he spent most of his time. Right beside the garage door, a normal door with a window so you could see right in. But this driveway was exclusively used by the kids as a play area because it was the only flat, quote-unquote, yard-like area on the property, and being on a mountainside, there isn't much room to safely play otherwise. No cars ever drove down there, ever. There were too many toys and bikes in the way, and friends and family knew this. It was about 10 p.m. pitch black outside, no moon to illuminate the area either. My cousin and I were still playing guitar hero when headlights caught the corner of my eye, and not my aunt's

Starting point is 00:56:59 minivan headlights. Huge, bright, dickhead truck. headlights. Oh, no. With those roof lights that you often see on jeeps or other off-road trucks that absolutely blind you. Oh, that's terrifying. Immediately, I got a vision of Emmett's fucking Jeep from Twilight. I love that that's where you went. I immediately thought of House of Wax. Oh, yep. That pulls up. There you go. That explains us as humans perfectly. Yeah, it does. Not only that, the truck was going down the right driveway, the kids play area. This was not my aunt and uncle. This was not anyone they knew. Oh, I hate this.

Starting point is 00:57:36 Panic and dread filled my body and mine too. I was a small teenage girl alone in an isolated house on a mountain at night with three children in my care. Oh, no. In a terrified voice, I asked my cousin, who is that? Jake, do you know whose truck that is? And he looked panicked. No, I've never seen that truck before. He replied, oh my God, I can't even imagine being 14 and having this be my experience.

Starting point is 00:57:59 I quickly ushered him downstairs, still unsure what to do. but the two little ones were sleeping down there and I wanted to make sure that they were safe. Look at you, you 14 year old. I was going to say, good for you, man. Go, go, go. I checked on the baby in my aunt and uncle's bedroom and he was totally fine. I turned my attention to the four-year-old and told, more like shouted at him in a scared, squawking bird. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:58:19 To go upstairs and lock himself into the bathroom. I don't know why that was the direction I gave him. I was just panicking, and that seemed like the safest place. I think you did the right thing. I think so. He just sleepily got off the couch and did as he was told, zero fuck's given, even though I would probably looked and sounded very panicked. He was just so sick and sleepy.

Starting point is 00:58:35 He just listened to me. Oh, I grabbed the phone to call 911, and then I started to hear the metal. Oh, my God. I'm like actually panicking too. This is horror movie shit. It is. I started to hear the metal garage door being shaken violently. No.

Starting point is 00:58:49 More panic fills me. I hear them try the door beside it, the metal door knob jiggling. No one was actually knocking. It's not like they were checking to see if my uncle was down there. Plus, they could clearly see the basement was dark and would know that nobody was down there. They were definitely breaking in. What the fuck? The door leading to the basement steps was

Starting point is 00:59:07 right next to the phone so I could clearly hear all of this ruckus going on. I quickly turned the little lock on the doorknob just in case they did make it into the basement. Like that actually like that would have actually done anything aside from just giving us an additional minute or so of being alive.

Starting point is 00:59:23 But still a good thought. My heart was practically jumping out of my chest. I'm talking to 911 to the 911 dispatcher as my eight-year-old cousin clings to my arm. The operator is calm and trying to call me, but I knew in my heart it would be at least 30 minutes until a police officer could get up there, assuming they didn't get totally lost on this mountain side in the pitch dark. I just kept thinking, we're fucked. We're dead. This is how we die. The operator asked for the number my aunt and uncle left me so she could have

Starting point is 00:59:51 another dispatcher call them and let them know the situation. I turned around to grab the paper with the number on it and to my, oh my God, ha! And to my absolute horror, I see. I see. I see. I see a man peering in the large glass sliding door. Oh my God, I'm shitting myself right now. A huge burly, what had to have been a six-four man with long, scraggly red hair and a big red bushy beard. And what made it worse, he was grinning at me, grinning in a way that still scares me to this day. I need, I'm literally holding on to the color of my sweatshirt, like, shook right now. Literally. Oh, my God. Meanwhile, I have. I have. have, I had to have looked like a terrified deer in the headlights. I was shaking so hard I could

Starting point is 01:00:36 barely hold the phone. Oh my God. There was a second man behind him. I couldn't see as well. I have no idea what he looked like, but he was equally as tall, but a bit lankier than the larger man standing at the sliding glass door. I screamed, oh God, they're here. Oh my God. And before the 911 operator can say anything, my eight-year-old cousin goes, Mr. Jim? Oh, my God. His voice was very confused. It wasn't like my cousin was happy or even relieved to see him. He just happened to know this man's name. I asked, you know who that is? But before my cousin could answer, I turned my attention to the man at the door. I'm on the phone with the police, I shouted. My fear had turned into rage. Hell yeah. Mr. Jim stared at me hard for a moment. Eyebrows furrowed like he was deciding what he wanted to do next, but then just backed away into the darkness like an asshole. What? No, oops, sorry. Didn't mean to scare you. I was just looking for Casey, my uncle. He didn't even try to excuse himself, didn't even try to apologize. He just backed into the darkness like an actual villain or some kind of fucking cryptid. What the fuck?

Starting point is 01:01:40 He did resemble Bigfoot in a way, so maybe he is. Maybe that's the Pennsylvania Appalachian Bigfoot, and he has an associate and a truck. Oh my God. My God. What seemed like an eternity later, I saw the truck lights back out of the driveway and then backed on the road until they disappeared. I'm like, what did this man want? I was scared shitless, and so was my cousin.

Starting point is 01:01:58 He had only met that guy a few times, just an acquaintance. of his dad. It was obvious that he was not a familiar friend. Otherwise, he'd have known better than to go down the wrong driveway. The 911 operator asked for a description of the man and told me that they'd gotten in touch with my aunt and uncle and they were on their way home. She stayed on the phone with me until a police officer showed up a bit later to make sure that the men were gone, and they stayed with us until my aunt and uncle got home so that they could ask them some questions. One of the questions was probably, why do you have a 14-year-old watching three small children on a mountain at night. As the mom of a nine and three year old now, I could never, but it was

Starting point is 01:02:33 2008 and I was a cheap babysitter. So yolo, I guess. We were saying yolo in 2008, right? I think so. Sure. Yeah. Also, I think I only got like $20, which I definitely should have gotten more after having the literal shit scared out of me. Seriously. You really should have. The responsibility you had that night. That's a lot of responsibility. After the cops left, my uncle was furious and muttered something like, I'm going to go fuck him up. My aunt was very. fuming mad at my uncle and told him to tell Jim never to come back around again. Now that I'm an adult, I know that my uncle had a drug problem. So now I can only assume that Mr. Jim was coming by to look for drugs or maybe to rob the place for drug money. Who the heck knows? What I don't want to know

Starting point is 01:03:14 is what he would have done if I wasn't already on the phone with 911. Why was he fucking grinning at us? Yeah, that's what I want to know. I know, exactly. Was I going to be the drug money? Was he going to throw me off the mountain? I don't know. And also, oh yeah, I'm also grateful now thinking about it, that he didn't try the sliding glass door, because I don't even think it was locked. Oh my God. And I'm not Kevin from home alone, so there were no booby traps to help us out of that situation. Oh, that's all I would be thinking of too. I'd be like, man, why am I not Kevin? Truly. I don't know how I ever got to sleep that night, but I did. And I was not asked to babysit ever again, nor did I ever go back to that mountainside house again, because shortly after

Starting point is 01:03:50 this incident, my aunt divorced my uncle and moved out of there. So that's the story of Mr. Jim, the crazy mountain man, who I'll just pretend is a scary Appalachian cryptid, I guess. He basically is. Yeah, I mean, essentially. Thank you both for taking the time to read my story, and I hope it makes sense, and I didn't ramble too much. I proofread it like five times. You did great.

Starting point is 01:04:09 And thank you for all the time and effort that you put into the podcast. Oh, thank you. Yeah, thank you so much. Please do this forever and ever, and don't forget to keep it weird, but not so weird that you try to rob a house in the middle of the pitch black night on a mountain side, and you grinsenter Sterly led a terrified teenage girl and her baby cousins. That's what kills me. Like he could see you.

Starting point is 01:04:27 Was he grinning? Terrified. Holding a child who is also terrified. And he's lolling. And he's sitting there grinning at you? Like, why? What the fuck was that intention? Like, there was no.

Starting point is 01:04:38 And the fact that he was like shaking the metal door and like trying to like, I'm like he was something bad was going to happen. A hundred percent. Because he was shaking not only the door, but the fucking garage door too. That's terrifying. That's so fucked up. I'm also so sorry that you had that experience. All of you that you've had these experience.

Starting point is 01:04:55 Because like the amount of responsibility you had that night at 14 years old. Seriously. And you handle it like a fucking champ. You really did. I just, I think back to the times that I was like a similar age babysitting like many, many children. And I'm like, why did people trust us to do this? I know.

Starting point is 01:05:13 They was always, I don't know. Because like now having nieces, like I feel I, you are like such a great mom and such a great role model. Like I want to be a mama like you, mom. Oh, thank you. I went to say man, but then I started to say, mom again so I was like mom mom but I like you would never hire like a 14 year old to babysit no I definitely wouldn't but I mean very different times very different times like they said like 2008 versus now very different yeah definitely a different situation all right this one is entitled what I see I think it's

Starting point is 01:05:44 crazy crazy ass home invasion just right to the point all right oh wow I just like threw my computer I just like punted my computer across the room Do you think it was so cute? Anytime I see anything that's so cute, I'm like, I just want to punt that across the room. And that's like a scientific thing. Yeah, I saw that once on Instagram. I think I was talking with Debbie's husband, Pat, actually. We both share that similar.

Starting point is 01:06:10 Pat Pat. We both share that a similar thing where we want to like punch things that are really cute. Same. It's like you have to destroy it because your brain just can't even handle it. Yeah, and our significant others do not understand that scientific fact. I think Drew understands that. I often say that I want. to throw your youngest across the room just because she's so cute.

Starting point is 01:06:28 Because she's so cute. Like I'm not mad at her ever. No, you're like, I literally love you so much. I just want to like scream. Literally. Yeah. And, oh, and quick little like correction from a long time ago. Oh.

Starting point is 01:06:37 We had mentioned, thinking of Pat, we had mentioned the story of during the Boston Marathon bombings, how Pat and Debbie were like right in the middle of that whole manhunt thing, where they were living at the time in Watertown. And in the middle of the night they heard a noise and them and their neighbor, like who was like another tenant in the building met in the basement and we said that Pat had a glass of tepid water that he was going like came as a weapon but we were wrong we were wrong and I knew it too when it came out I was like that I don't think that was right but I wasn't sure I'm also pretty sure I told the story like third hand so that's probably what I should have

Starting point is 01:07:15 like I should have known because it was the neighbor who brought the tepid glass of water as the weapon and Pat brought like a golf club or a bat oh so like a normal normal thing you bring. But the neighbor literally brought a glass of tepid water and Pat was like, what are you going to do with that? What's going to happen? Do you think they were like drinking it? It's not even hot. It's not cold. It's literally just right temperature water. Like not going to do anything. I mean, if you threw that on his face, it would like buy you a second. For a second. It certainly would. Yeah. But I had to correct that because he was like, damn it. It wasn't me with the tepid water. He's like, I'm not that person. I did not do that. Not that guy. But back to the

Starting point is 01:07:52 to the listener too. Back to it. Hi ladies. I'm Marley. I'm Marley. I'm Marley. I I've just started listening to the podcast for about a week, and you have kept me entertained through my long overnight shifts. Hearing the other listener tales and you guys saying having someone attack you at home is the scariest thing has made me want to share a story about a crazy-ass home invasion my family experienced 10 years ago. You can use my name. I've shortened everyone else's. And sorry if this story is too long, but there are many layers to it. We live in lovely Mesa, Arizona, and our neighborhood is really quiet and nothing ever happened. That's how it always begins.

Starting point is 01:08:26 Exactly. I was 19 and living with my mom and my older sister V. My older sister S was up north in Flagstaff, finishing her final year at N.A.U. And it was just my mom and me at the house with my sister V, spending the night at her boyfriend's house. It was about, sorry, it was about 2 a.m. And being 19, and able to run on only a few hours of sleep, I was up watching Netflix with all my lights on. Suddenly all the lights go out. I was like, what the fuck?

Starting point is 01:08:54 I quickly realized that our power was out. I figured that our AC had tripped our circuit breaker. It had happened before. I got up and woke my mom telling her the power was out. Concerned, we went to the front door to check the breaker. Our breaker was on the side of the house around the corner from the front door. As we stepped outside, a man stepped out from around the corner by the breaker. We immediately stopped and my mom asked,

Starting point is 01:09:18 Who are you? Oh my God. He stepped forward and said, we are going back in the door. the house. Uh, no the fuck you're not. My mom said, no way and told me to get the phone and call 911. When the man said, no, you're not. Let's all go back inside. My mom was like, you're not going in my house. Who are you? I went back inside and got my phone from my room calling 911 as I walked back to the front door. As I was telling the operator that there was a stranger outside of our house, I saw a commotion at the door. Suddenly the man pushed his way through the door, despite me trying to

Starting point is 01:09:52 stop him and locked it behind him. Oh my God. Somehow, I ended up on the floor and he grabbed me by my upper arms and dragged me to one of the bedrooms. Oh my God. Now, if you're wondering what happened to my mom, I'll tell you. When he pushed past her, she tried to stop him. So what he did was

Starting point is 01:10:08 pull out a taser gun and tased her. Oh my God. But she didn't go down and kept fighting him and yelling for help. So he tased her a second time until she finally fell. She fell and hit a chair so hard, she broke her arm and had to have surgery to repair it. Hearing me yelling in the house, my mom got up and tried to get me, but was locked out.

Starting point is 01:10:31 She grabbed a broom that was outside and broke a window trying to get back inside, cutting her hand in the process. Around this time, one of our neighbors ran up to help and the cops also show up. As you can imagine, I was freaking the fuck out. I didn't know who this guy was or what he wanted. After he dragged me to the bedroom, he leaned against the door and looked and locked and locked it. I wanted to get as far away as possible from him and went to the other corner of the room on the bed. At that point, I found that I was still on my phone. I still had my phone in my hand

Starting point is 01:11:00 and that 911 was still on the line. As I was telling 911 my address in the description of the stranger, he pulled out a gun and pointed it at his own head. What? He then said, Marley, give me your sister's number. After asking him what? He repeated, give me your sister S's number. seeing that this guy had a gun and somehow knew us i tried to give her a number but i told him the wrong one after seeing that it was the wrong one he told me to give him my phone i said no it was my connection to the outside and the operators were still talking to me he then said if i give you a knife to feel safe will you give me your phone what he then pulled out a big army knife and traded it for my phone after he got the number and gave me my phone back i asked if i could leave he said sure

Starting point is 01:11:49 and stepped from the door and I got the fuck out of there with knife and hand. What? As I got to the front door I could see and hear the police outside. I put the knife down

Starting point is 01:11:58 and walked out the door. I couldn't see much of their lights pointed at me, but they told me to have my hands up and walk towards them. Now my dumb ass, now realizing I could have been shot for this, heard our Jack Russell barking at the door, thinking I couldn't leave her there

Starting point is 01:12:15 with a crazy person in the house. I turned around and grabbed the dog. When I reached the police, they took me to one side of the street and asked me questions. They were also asking my mom questions as she was being looked over by paramedics. The cops checked the registration of the car in front of our house. They asked my mom if she knew anyone named M. Abbott. In shock, she said, that's my oldest daughter's old boyfriend. They dated seven years ago in high school and he had broken up with her.

Starting point is 01:12:42 What? As I was sitting there with my dog, my phone rung. My sister S was calling from Flagstead. She immediately demanded to know where I was and if I was safe. When I said what I was, when I said I was, she told me to give the phone to the police so they could confirm it. Hearing the police talked to her, I heard them say the guy's name, M. Abbott. It clicked for me then who it was. She told the police that he'd sent her a picture of me in the room and then called her.

Starting point is 01:13:09 What? He told her that it didn't have to happen this way if she had only responded to his messages. Like, dude, you broke up with me. What the fuck? luck this guy. Before she could respond, he hung up, then killed himself in the bedroom before the police could come in. Holy shit. Even though it didn't turn out so well for him, I can't help to be grateful on how that night ended. We were lucky to only come out with my mom only having a broken arm and me with a slight hip pain from hitting a corner wall. I think about what could have happened

Starting point is 01:13:40 if I hadn't been awake at that time, or what if my sister V had been home? We found out later that he had a bulletproof vest on and zip ties in his car. What the fuck? He had been trying to contact my sister for months and had even gone to Flagstaff looking for her. This person was unwell. Yeah. So there's the story of my crazy-ass home invasion. My mom still lives at that house, but that room has been turned into her eBay room.

Starting point is 01:14:06 What's an eBay room? She has an eBay room. I love that. And it's that room. Hope you guys found it interesting and can't wait to listen to more episodes. Oh my goodness. Yes. here's another thing to prove that that night sucked for everyone. I believe you. My sister V,

Starting point is 01:14:19 who was at her boyfriend's house, a drunk driver hit and totaled her parked car. She had left her phone at home so she had no idea that anything had happened at home. So she pulls up in the morning thinking that she has to tell our mom that her car is totaled. So she's like, I have to tell her this bad thing. She sees police and crime tape outside of our house. Then they stop her and explain that her, then she stops them and says her family lives there. The officer says something happened to her, your mother and sister. They paused and then said, they're fine. They're at the hospital.

Starting point is 01:14:53 What the fuck? They're like, hey, something happened. But they're fine, don't worry. I love that it's like crime scene tape cops. And they're like, hey, something happened to your mom and your sister. Like, thank you, sir. They're good. They're just at the hospital.

Starting point is 01:15:07 Oh, my goodness. My goodness. Wow. That was quite a tale. That was bananas. quite a tale, Marley. That was quite a tale. It sounded like a movie. It reminded me of that movie fear. It does remind me a fear. Mark Wahlberg. And young Reese Withers. Yes, that's a great movie. It's really scary, though. It's terrifying. You guys did it again, guys. You're always doing it. I don't know why I said guys so many times. Guys, you're doing it again. Guys, you guys are doing it again, guys, guys. Guys, guys. Wow. Thank you for, what a guy. Quite a guy. Quite a guy. Oh, my. But yeah. But yeah. Keep sending in these tales, and we'll keep reading them.

Starting point is 01:15:48 Yes, and in the meantime, we hope you keep listening. And we hope you... Keep it weird. But that's where you don't lock your doors, you lock your windows, and you end up sending us a story about your home invasion, because I don't want you to have to do that. Don't do that weird. Don't do that.

Starting point is 01:16:03 Bye.

Morbid - The Zodiac Killer (Part 1)

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.