More Life with Carl Radke - Summer House’s KJ Dillard on His BPD Diagnosis and The Friends Who Saved Him

Episode Date: June 2, 2026

KJ Dillard sits down with his friend and Summer House castmate Carl for one of the deepest conversations on More Life. He opens up about the mental health crisis that followed last summer, being hospitalized, getting diagnosed with BPD, and how recovery gave him a whole new way to live. KJ also gets real about growing up too fast, losing the brother he never got to meet to addiction, the pressure of navigating reality TV as a Black man, and finding purpose on the other side of rock bottom. KJ Dillard is a professional skateboarder, model, musician, and cast member on Summer House. Originally from Kansas City, he's built a career across skateboarding, fashion, music, and reality TV - all while openly sharing his journey with mental health and recovery to help others feel less alone. About The Release Foundation: The Release Foundation is a nonprofit organization dedicated to expanding access to life-saving addiction and mental health treatment for individuals and families in need. Through treatment scholarships, community partnerships, education, and advocacy, the Release Foundation works to remove financial barriers to care and create pathways to lasting recovery. Founded by leaders with lived experience, the Release Foundation is committed to breaking the stigma surrounding substance use and mental health challenges while ensuring that hope and healing are accessible to all. No matter where you or a loved one is on the recovery journey, help is available. Learn more or support our mission at ReleaseRecoveryFoundation.org Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor, free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Hey guys, I'm Carl Rideke. Welcome to More Life. Today's episode is KJ Dillard. He's a friend of mine. He's a pro-scapeboarder. He's a model. You might also recognize him on Summer House. He's also a musician and an artist. Can't wait to dive in today. We're coming live from Soft Bar here in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. KJ. Dillard, welcome to More Life. Good to see you. Thanks for having me. When you walked in today, I was like, look at this jersey. Look at the jersey. Hey, great mind. Sing. You got to rep the family. Have to. I love it.

So this is your uncle's. Yes, Rod Martin. Rod Martin. So this is my great uncle. This is his Raiders jersey. I love it. And he just passed away a few weeks ago. So, you know.

I actually forgot that. I'm sorry. Shout out to your uncle. Appreciate the condolences to you. Thank you. Really cool that you're reping the jersey, though. Have to. He was a linebacker, right?

Yes. I actually remember playing. Super Bowl champion. Incredible. Well, you have quite the family. I do want to just mention, obviously, when I first met you. This is something we talked about, that kid. in a kitchen moment. I'll never forget it. I walk in the house and someone whispers to me. I'm not going to say his name. Hey, his dad

played for the pirates. And I'll never forget. I was like, who? Because I'm a huge pirates fan. Yeah. And not knowing a lot about you or your story, but I was just like blown away by like the fact that your father had played for the pirates at one point. And I remember vividly going to Three Rivers Stadium. That's fate, bro. I mean, it was fate. But like, I mean, how did that feel in that moment just where I'm like, yo, I know who your pops is? I mean, I've always told my friends that my dad played pro baseball, but having someone that experienced that and watch my dad actually play is just a whole. Had you ever met anybody before that had seen? No, I've never had anyone that literally saw him. Well, because I'm 10 years older than you. And yeah, that makes sense because your dad's career was in like the late 90s.

And I'll never forget, though, because I went, it was when I want to say fifth or sixth grade, one of my friends had tickets to a game. we went and I'll never forget in right field like there's like signs it was owl's army which is just trippy it's trippy insane and I had to rep the jersey yeah you know I'm a huge pirate fan but you know I just I thought that was like instant connection I was like wow for sure now I know we can get into some of the stuff with your dad which I can relate to having many ups and downs with my father I just thought it was really special to like have this instant bond or just like your family and who you are. I just love that. Yeah, it was a wild upbringing. That's all I have to say. Jump scare. Yeah. So we're going to get into this. So as you know, this podcast is called More Life.

And it's a saying that I'm waiting for the day this is going to happen to you actually, like a KJ quotable from Summer House. But More Life is a thing that I would say, but it's obviously a mantra that I like to embody. I'm wondering, do you have a mantra or a daily thing that you shout to Dara or do you say out loud or do you text people? I always say work hard, play hard. I also say, give me that orange chicken. That's one that I've been seeing people quote.

Give me that orange chicken. Yeah, because me and Mia just did this P.F. Chang's ad. And then I saw a comment that said, give me the orange chicken because at the house, we had Chinese food. And I remember there's a quick clip that was just like, give me that orange chicken. Get this man, a Panda Express deal.

Yeah, Panda Express, orange chicken. Hell yeah. Orange chicken deal. I'll take it. I mean, that just brought me back. I love Panda Express. So good. So, okay, we're hard, play hard.

So you are a true summer house guy. Yes. Because that's like, that is for sure our kind of mantra within the summer house. But yeah, I think having like a daily motto or something is important. I mean, keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Yeah.

Release. Community. We love that. Shout out to that. Shout out to release. Which I also saw you last week. Thank you for supporting. No, thank you, bro.

I mean, it was surreal to get to stand up there. And as I even said in my remarks, just. I was uncomfortable with some of the praise, let's say, and the acknowledgement, even though I understand. But it was just more importantly to look out in the room, see Kyle, see you, Bobby, Ben, Caitlin, any, like, family, friends, people really close to me, but also have been really important to my journey.

Yeah. And it was a reminder, I think, of, like, how powerful this community that we're a part of is. It means it so much to me that we can come together. But, dude, when they had those scholarship winners up on stage, that hit home. It's hard. And it's like you see the impact of the money that's raised.

Yes. And the individuals. And I had family come up to me at the end, be like I'm my daughter or father, sister, whoever, have been supported by release. And they're now sober and got help. No, thank you, bro, because I'm a scholarship. I'm glad you're doing well. And we're going to get into this a little bit. For sure.

But I want to just talk about before anything is something that really shocked me, which is I never thought a million years when walked into the summer house that a guy 10 years younger than me would have an impact on me. me the way you did. I mean, you've been such a mature voice, such a guiding light for me. And I never, ever expected that. Yeah, man, I had to grow up early. Everyone knows I have two younger sisters. I talk about them a lot. Real big brother, yes. And I have an older half-sister. I never met. I had an older half-brother who passed away that I spoke about on the show. Sorry, pretty much, man. Thank you. And I know me and you relate on that. We do. And maybe we can talk about a little bit. I mean, I think talking about siblings who, who are no longer with us is not easy, especially in public, especially on a show.

So I applaud you for opening that up because I think, you know, Mia also was opening about her parents, which I'm lured in, like hook, line, and sinker when someone goes to that level. And for you to open up about your brother, I know it helps people. And I'm curious, have you gotten some outpouring? Have people reached out about it? 100%. On Instagram, the messages are so real and, like, people can relate to it. And I'm very appreciative for the fans and just the support.

And the thing that blew me away always was like, it's the difficult stuff that people respond more to. It's the darkness and the sadness and the family history that people really relate to. But is it hard for you to read some of these messages? No, it makes me want to just be able to share my life more and my struggles and my story. Because if it can help somebody else, that's all that matters to me. that's the most fulfilling thing in the world to me. And reading these messages, I'm like, wow, I'm not the only one that's going through something like this.

Yeah, it makes people feel less alone. And the one thing I take a lot of pride in the Summer House is that we can give people maybe something to escape from or maybe something to relate to or something to like aspire. And I didn't clock that until many years later into the show, even until my brother had passed when you get messages from people who watch. They have a sibling that's still alive. I try to respond or I try to offer. And I think, as silly as it sounds, a guy like you on a reality show, you never think you'd be in that position to like...

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Follow Chasing Life with Dr. Sanjay Gupta on Apple, Spotify, IHeard podcasts, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. And then like with your brother, like, does it give you any healing to talk about some of that publicly? For sure. No, yeah, definitely. I think talking about it helps. Me and my brother never met. So that's the thing that hurts is like, I know he's up in heaven watching me and he's proud of me. Yes. But the thing that really just hurts is knowing that we never had a chance to meet. And I always knew about him from the time I was like, I was like seven. Yeah. And so I remember vividly just like being in the car with my dad and him leaving like a video game in the car. me always wanting to meet him and my dad was just like, you'll meet him at some point, but it never happened. Never happened. Yeah, but I would always get his hand-me-down stuff, like clothes or games or movies or

whatever it was. And it just sucks that, yeah, we never got a chance to meet before he passed away. And it was because of substances that he passed away. And so that's why with me, I'd never touch drugs. Like, I mean, I tried weed when I was younger, but no, pills. or anything like that because he overdosed from Oxy. And so I was just like, this is not for me. And I don't want an accident to ever happen or for my mom to ever have to deal with that.

I'm sorry for your loss, man. Thank you. I appreciate your honesty on it and opening up because it's going to help people talking more at length. And I do applaud you when you open up on the show. But I always feel like in those moments, it's never enough space. Even with me and her parents, I'm like, I want more space for you to talk about it. Conversation at the dinner table about being black in the summer house and in the Hamptons. I wanted more space for that.

And, you know, with your brother and everything you went through, I can't even imagine, just like that dynamic that you're in, but also how it's informed how you live your life. You know, when my brother was using and drinking early age, I was opposite of my brother. I was like, I'm never going to drink. I'm never going to do Coke. You know, here I am.

So it was interesting. I tried to do the opposite, but I was running from kind of what the truth was and I was saying, oh, my brother's this bad, I'm not this bad. When you learned of your brother's struggle, Did it make you look at your own self a little bit differently? Or did you kind of think, oh, I'm not quite like him? I was so young. You were young.

I was 10 years old when that happened. So all I knew was my brother's gun and I'm never going to ever get to meet him. Is there things that you do over the years to maybe honor him or things that might help the grief of it all? Because I've tried to do different things. Like I'll bring my brother's baseball glove. I threw out a first pitch last weekend, his gloves with me. So I try to find little things to kind of honor because it makes me feel more connected. I'm curious, do you do anything to try and honor him?

A few years back, I met one of his high school friends. That's kind of cool. And it was funny because my cousin was like, they were like a thing, like one of his high school friends and my cousin. And we were out. And then she realized that I was his brother. And then I remember we were just like at the club. And for like hours, she was just telling me stories about my brother. That's crazy.

And it was so cool. just listening to like how he was and how kind and caring and considerate he was of others. And it reminded me just a lot of myself. And so I just try to like remember that or, you know, I could look at photos of him. Hold on to the good stuff. The good stuff. Does he look like you at all? Yeah.

Like a light skin version because he's mixed. Okay. Yeah. So, but he does like we have the same smile. It's wild, man. It's wild. It's wild. Does any of that give you excitement for future for you of being a father?

having children. Yeah, I would love to have children one day just so I can be the father that my dad wasn't and learn from his mistakes and not repeat those. And I think the big part of your personality you talked about it, you had to grow up fast. And I think when you're presented with difficult family environment, your dad doing what he was doing and kind of leaving you and your mom to your own devices, you had to step up and mature quickly. Do you feel like you lost your childhood a little bit because of that? For sure, because I was always in work mode. I used skateboarding as my exit tool out of Kansas City. And I sometimes didn't appreciate skateboarding because I looked at it as work. I'm like, I need to get to this level. I need to be successful. And so it was just work, work, work, work,

and I was always so hard on myself. And to this day, I'm the same way. And so now I'm learning as an adult to give myself grace and to be present and not think so much into the future. Because looking too deep into the future and then not being present, you look back on those experiences and you wish you would have been right where you were. I feel like a lot of the work you put in over the last seven, eight months is getting closer to that. Oh, 100%. But I think, yeah, it's hard. I can't relate to some of that what you grow up with, but having to step up and kind be the man of the house and be kind of the voice of reason. And honestly, it's powerful because it shows on this season of Summerhouse in big, big ways.

And it's really profound, honestly. I don't think you meet a lot of young men like you doing that. But of course, it makes me sad because of what you had to go through to be like that. Like, you were so important on this last summer to me, to our group, I really felt like you were a light of shining light that we needed. And to think of what the reason you are that way is because of some of that pain and that difficulty in your youth, that it's sometimes hard to reconcile that, you know? It was tough.

Like not only just having to be the man of the house, but also being a black man and having to be the man of the house. Because my mom, my grandma, my grandpa, everyone around me was just like you have to be two times better. Or else you're not going to be successful. Like at a job interview, you have to be more qualified than a white boy. And so it was always just like so much pressure. And unfortunately that's the way of the world. But it made me work so hard. And I think now my goals are just like so high compared to like what other people's goals are because it's just like I'm programmed to be that way.

Sure. And it's excellence. But at the same time, the downside is I'm never satisfied. You've been certainly risen to the occasion and had to deal with stuff that I can't ever really imagine. But I'm curious, like, here you are about to come on to Summer House as the first black man we've had. I definitely sat with it because there'd be other black people telling me you're representing us. Make sure you have a good summer and don't do anything. No pressure.

Yeah, no pressure, but you're representing us. And I'm like, all right. And so I took that in and it's an honor. but at the same time, I'm like, don't fuck up. And also when we're out, yeah, you can't operate the same way your other castmates are operating. Yeah. If you bring a girl back, you have to be extra cautious and make sure like everything's okay, even though that's like what men should be doing to begin with.

But as a black man, even more so. Because if you get caught up, the consequences are going to be two times worse. And so it's tough, man. But it makes me like a better person. Yeah. But at the same time, it's like no one should have to be thinking a trillion things in their mind before they make a decision. Yeah. You know, we've been so blessed with Sierra.

We've had Gabby. We've had some other friends over the years. But I mean, it was really important, I think, to have you open up the way you did at the dinner table. You know, forget what one point in the summer you and Mia and Sierra had talked about. We've had these conversations with Sierra before, but coming from you as black man, I think was really powerful because I think, not that we weren't listening to Sierra at all,

like we were, but I think having your perspective almost like brought it back up and we needed that. And I'm so proud of you for opening up about that. Appreciate it. Because you shed light on things that as a white guy, we have no fucking idea. And I also wanna make sure I give you the space and support that you deserve.

Did you feel like you were pretty welcomed and supported overall? Yeah. Or what are things we could maybe do differently for this next summer that might help? Because listen, when we were out at night, there was a spotlight on us. But I was always a little nervous for you because I'd see some of the girls be like, oh, here's the new cute guy. And it's like, we've got to be like we've got to protect this man. Yes.

Because he's so important to us. But I forget when we're in the Hamptons, which is a predominantly white community, even though parts of South Hampton do have a lot of black history. I mean, you're kind of a fish out of water. And we've got to protect it. I'm curious just like how all that was for you. What do you hope for this summer? What are ways we as your friend can show up for you? I mean, I think you guys have done the best job as white people.

You could say it. As white people, too. As you white guys. To make me, Sierra and Mia feel included and safe. This summer, I think. Just, yeah, continuing to be how you guys have been. I think it was cool for you to shed light on your sisters. Yes.

And what that meant. Because you and Sierra and Mia have like this brother's sister bond, which holy shit, let's just talk about it for a second. Mia's sister and your mom were roommates. Yes. Back in the day. Yeah. There's a photo floating around of KJ,

little baby KJ with Mia's sister. Wild. Because I had no idea who Mia was until she came into the house. But think about the beauty, like the universe is always meant for this. And I think for you to shed light on your sisters, how you look out for them and protect them. But also what it means,

your sisterhood with me and Sierra. It was so important. And I'm just proud of you. And I hope we keep having more of these conversations. And I think the more we do, the better off, hopefully. We will learn and better support you and show up for you. Yeah, thank you. And I think a lot of people, I've seen comments where it's like, it's not always about race.

Stop bringing race into everything. But it is, unfortunately, because of how the past has been. It has to be included. I mean, we need to keep having these conversations. Yes. 1,000%. Because not only with black people, other race. to deal with the same things, you know?

And the more we talk about it, it's like getting perspective. And I think that's very important to move forward in just an equality in general. Yeah. Is there anything, I think, looking back on the season while it's airing, you know, have you had any kind of revelations just seeing some of this conversation unfold? I didn't realize the importance of it until after it aired. And I remember I went to L.A. when that episode aired and I was with Mia and we were at this threads event and everyone was just like it's all over threads how important that conversation was you guys are making history and I'm like what history? History. I'm just speaking my reality but if that's making history then let's continue to make it you know and I'm seeing like the black community reach out to me and be like thank you. Like you're representing us and black men too

in like a very specific and like good way. Yeah. Well, I think, I mean, there's that pressure of being a black man on a reality show. I mean, I have a lot of friends that have been a part of the Martha's Vineyard Summerhouse. I mean, I've heard from them personally. Like, it was a struggle because of like that added layer. Like, I can't overreact because I'm the angry black man or some of these topics that we as white guys have no fucking clue about. And I'm like, holy shit.

Like you're almost limiting and you have to like censor yourself. Oh, yeah. when I came into the house, bro, my closet and what I was wearing in the beginning of the season is totally different than how it is now. Because what I wear now is how I've always been. But coming into this season, I was like, I got to fit this mold and I can't intimidate anyone. But I've been wearing grills. I've been wearing clothes that I like. The stuff I was wearing in the beginning of the season was not me.

It was more like a dumb down. Yes, it was like the token black guy. You know what I mean? I don't think I picked up on it. I have noticed though. I've always said, even over the last six months, I'm like, your style has been outstanding. But if you do play back, you were definitely way more conservative, like just conservative in your own way. Because I didn't want to intimidate anyone.

I was like, this is my first season. I want people to get to know me and not judge me off rip. And now it's like people are getting to know who K. is. So I'm like, I'm going to be myself. I'm a, I'm a pop your grills, dye your hair. Dye my hair. I've been dying my hair. That's the thing. I think people think this is new, but I've been dyeing my hair. Since I've known KJ, this guy's had 15 different colors. He's had spots. He's had cool. I send him designs on Instagram, like little shapeups in the side. Yeah. But no, I think it's important for you to really be yourself. And I think the more you are,

the audience and the people in your community are going to continue to embrace them. that. But I can understand why you would do that at the beginning. Yeah, even now, people are like, take those grills out. Like, you have beautiful teeth. Why are you wearing those? I mean, you have a great smile. And I appreciate that, but the grills are, it's an accessory. Yeah, it's fun. You know, it's fun. Like, it's a part of hip hop history. And I love hip hop. I'm a huge music. And you have jewelry. You wear earrings and shit. So it's just like, whatever. Like, I'm going to wear what I want. And whoever's saying that about you is just jealous. jealous or they're uncomfortable.

Or they have their own insecurities that you're shining a mirror into. Yes. This episode is brought to you by L'Oreal Group. Beauty is a powerful force that moves us. That's why L'Oreal Group has built a business that is inclusive at its heart with 100% of its brands, championing diversity. With 25,000 professional opportunities for people under 30 worldwide and 54% of leading positions held by women,

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They feel seen by it, like it belongs to them. So when your brand shows up on Spotify, that's who you're talking. talking to, and you're right next to artists like me, Lizzo. So, are you ready to talk to fans? Spotify advertising. You're among fans. What did it mean to have Mia and Sierra in the house? It was my safe space. I mean, watching you three in certain moments was some of my favorite parts of this past summer, watching it back. Thank you. I mean, I know there was not a lot of fun stuff to watch, but there was something really profound in the three of you, really showing up for each other. And now, since, showing up for each other. I feel so safe around them.

It truly feels like family. I feel that way with you too. Appreciate you, man. I don't feel that way around a lot of people, but you all were there for me in the fall that no one has been there for me ever before. With the series of events that took place, I needed a community. And you all showed up as community.

It was bigger than the show. It was way bigger than the show. And I think sometimes in these worlds, it can feel like it's only because of the show. And I think what I'm proud of with our group and Summer House in general is it's bigger than our friendship and our family is bigger than the show, which is why all this is so fucking crazy. I know, man. And I love that you got that support because I think I've felt like that at times where like, is this just a show thing or like what's really real? And I'm glad you saw that. I definitely saw it, man.

I'll never forget that ever. Like that was a true moment that I'll look back on when I'm 90 years old and be like, wow, that was a lot. that was a life-changing moment for me because I didn't know what was going to happen after that. Yeah. Well, can we talk a little bit about it? Yeah. You know, so I think, you know,

if we finished filming, you had kind of gone through some personal stuff. I don't know if you want to talk about just kind of what you encountered or what you discovered. Like you got a diagnosis. And I know a lot of our listeners, addiction, mental health. But this topic of mental health,

I think, is something really important. I'm just curious if you can talk through a little bit what kind of transpired in the fall. Yeah, for sure. And how you kind of navigated that. Mental health does not discriminate. It does not matter what you look like, how much money you have, where you're from. It can affect anybody.

And I had a great summer. But once summer ended, I started to feel alone because it was like coming from this high back down to reality. Because, yeah, in the summer, we film every week. We have something to look forward to. We're around our friends all the time. But then after everyone goes back to their lives and it's not as you know like the structure is gone The structure's gone I joked with Lindsay over the years it's like being cat it's like coming back down from a lunar space mission yes like you're out of the world And then all of a sudden you get dropped back into reality and you're like what how do I do shit and for so long

Like we talked about I felt like work was my purpose and so it was slow for me It wasn't like how it is now post-show. Yeah. Pre-show, nothing was really going on for me. Modeling was slow. I'd taken a break during the summer to focus on the show. Financially, I was in a terrible place. Me and Dara were struggling because I was taking out what I was going through, like, out on her.

And I wasn't even aware of it. Yeah. And I also was not in therapy. and I was only on one medication for my anxiety and depression, but I didn't realize that I had another diagnosis. And so I ended up going to the hospital for self-harm. I cut myself. I don't mind sharing that. And I appreciate your honesty. I'm just glad you're, I love you, man. Thank you. Makes me emotional thinking about it because just thinking what you were going through and how dark and tough that must have been. But through the dark, there's light because I hadn't done that since I

was in high school. I've always dealt with cutting. And yeah, I was at that moment where I was just like, oh, I need help. Sierra Mia came over. Derrick called them. And they all took me to the hospital. And I was just like, yep, everything that I just worked hard for and earned is done. And I remember as soon as I got to the hospital, they stitched me up. And they were like, do you want to stay? And I was like, yes. But I didn't want to because I had trauma from when I was a kid and I had to go to a behavioral institute on my birthday, actually. Fuck, happy birthday.

And my mom was bawling her eyes out because she knew it was the best thing for me. And that changed my life because after that, I stopped acting out. And I was more, I don't know, I did better after that. But long story short, yeah, it was the same sort of ordeal when I went into the hospital this time around because my mom was on the phone. Like, KJ has so much trauma from like what we went through when he was a kid. I don't know if this would be good for him to go back. And Mia, Sierra, we're just like, nope.

He's got to go. He's got to go. He's got to go. And I'm just like, mom, let me do this. So it was having, you know, having that rock bottom. It was my rock bottom. And in the hospital, no fresh air. We didn't get to go outside.

Every day I was doing therapy. I was just walking up and down the hallway for entertainment. I was writing a lot. I actually wrote some music in there. Curious, just like when you opened up about your diagnosis, did you feel it all like you now understood yourself maybe better? Yeah, I remember sitting in the office at the hospital. with the doctors and they were like, you have BPD, and I was like, it makes sense now.

Because I'm a very emotional person. I feel things very deeply. And I know that's not anxiety, depression, OCD, those are separate. But BPD, usually people who have it, they think sometimes things are the end of the world. Like when Dara broke up with me because she had to, because I was just in the worst place ever in me, it told me that she was. He told Dara to do that. And it wasn't until I got out that Mia told me that. Sure. I was just like, damn.

Because Dara, I think, was going to like hang on. Hang on for dear life. Yeah. But that wouldn't have been good for either of us. You needed the time. I needed the time because after the hospital, I went to recovery at release. And that's when we broke up. Which was probably important for you to take the time or really lean in on your recovery.

Yes. Take the program seriously. Mm-hmm. whenever you're in that early stage entering or trying to foster a romantic relationship is really challenging and probably ill-a-bys. Yeah. Looking back, if me and Dara were dating when I was in recovery, it would have been a mess. I would have been focused on saving the relationship rather than focusing on my health. Yeah.

And recovery changed my life because in there I learned how to take care of my brain and give myself grace and not run away from my issues and face reality. where in the past, I would just run from everything or distract myself. Like, Summerhouse was a distraction for me. And it changed my life, but it was a distraction for me because I was like, oh, well, I'm putting all my emotions into friendships and to work. And then when I didn't have that anymore, it was like, what do I do now? And I wasn't working like how I am now. And I just had nothing.

I had nothing. Like I was homeless for a little bit. I was staying at Sierra's and. And Maras, like, it was, it was a mess. You were in a rough spot. And I don't think when I had learned kind of after the fact, I remember Sierra called me. She's like, she was in tears. And I was crying, listening to her because she was, you know, really sad about you going to the hospital and just everything you'd been dealing with.

And I was like, fuck, like, I had no idea some of the things. And you had told me then also just, you know, finances were tight. You'd just gotten out of the summer, which was fun, but it's a lot. figuring out where you're living you and dare were dating and pretty you know moving pretty fast it seemed and like all the pressure of that and it almost honestly makes sense the breakdown you had yeah so i hope you can give yourself some grace because in a weird way i never wish a rock bottom on anybody but in a weird way i'm kind of glad you had it oh me too i wouldn't have been able to handle everything i'm going through now if i didn't go through what i went well look at you now like you're

thriving and you just seem so much more balanced and centered and happy and and KJ. Yes. And that's like the best thing to watch is someone who cares and has seen you. I mean, I did go to the hospital. I visited you. I actually, I felt weird bringing a copy of my book. I read that in, I think, two days. Like, it's like, I don't know, it would be like if Tony Robbins shows up to like something,

he's got his like self-help book that Tony Robbins, it's like, but I just thought, you know what? That book changed my life too. I wanted you to know that. I also have been really down bad. I had a rock bottom too. And honestly, man, I almost didn't make it out of that. And I just thought I can bring him a little something of encouragement or just some little

light of sliver of like where I've been and where you could go. But I also wasn't allowed to bring anything in the hospital, which was a trip. I'm not going to lie. I showed up and I was like, I had to go through security, a metal detector, check all my shit. Because I'm like, wait, that's the level of hospital we're in. Yeah. You know, we really got to be careful. But the only thing I could bring in was a book.

Yeah, I remember specifically. being in my room and I had nothing else to do and I was just like let me open this book and then I was just like whoa carl's been through so much I'm shit I never expected my book to help a friend like that no it helped me man but to be able to extend that to you and just watch you know slowly from that moment you know working the steps then I visited you up in Westchester at the release program and even just sitting outside of that campfire you could just see you were in the right place I knew you were in the right spot release is an incredible community they have great service and counseling and support.

But I knew like this was something that was going to be helpful for once you got out, like set you up with the tools in the program to like live your life. And it did, man. I think released so much. Not only was I able to like go through that program, like didn't have to pay a dime because of the scholarship. You helped contribute to that. When I ran the marathon.

Well, you contributed to your own. Like I'm over here thinking it's going to somebody else and it's going back to me. Going to you, which is so powerful and a big part of the running journey you've been on, my running journey. So release recovery, who I support and a big part of the community. The money that we've raised through a lot of these marathons, some of these fundraisers is scholarships. And you were one of the guys who actually got some of the recipient. But what's so interesting about it is more often the people that need it the most can't afford it. And dude, when I was down bad in 2019, I needed rehab.

I was told by some people that you know personally, executives like, yo, I couldn't have afford it. And that's what's so powerful to be able to use your platform now, use mine, to try and and help others. But you talking about your story so openly is helping raise more money for release. So it's just beautiful that you were able to take advantage of that. And I'm so proud of you for getting the help you needed, man. Because it's not easy. You know how hard is for people to say, like, I'm ready. I want to get help. Yeah. And it takes a lot of strength and resilience. No, thank. You know, you describe yourself as a professional skateboarder, model. Yeah. But who is the KJ before you walked into that summer house? Or how would you describe for the people

listening today. I was modeling, making music, but I didn't know what was next for me. I was in a place of like, I put out all these projects, I've done all these campaigns, I've done all these things in skateboarding, what do I do now? And I remember my mom was just like, hey, Jay, what are you going to do with your life? I'm like, mom's love that question. I'm like, you're really going to put all this pressure on me. I'm 27 years old. And I remember. Before Summer House, I didn't know what I was going to do. I was just modeling and seeing where that was going to take me. And then the opportunity came.

I was like, yeah, I'll do this. And then here we are now. Here we are. And I'm like, whoa. What are things that you do now in your recovery that might be interesting for people who are listening or watching that are kind of your non-negotiables? Like waking up in the morning therapy or meditation? Like, what are things that you do to help keep you level set and keep your head on straight? I'm going to say skateboarding for you.

Skateboarding. I haven't skated in like a week. I mean, I'm like, I need to do that more than once a week. Yeah. Which is kind of funny that feels long for you. It does feel long because I'm used to skating all the time. But yeah, skateboarding, taking my medication every day, praying, talking to God. You're very active also just outside of skateboarding.

I mean, I think you're running still a little bit. You're working out. Yeah, I need to get back into running. The first cast member on Summer House to have to have. a 12-pack, not alcohol. Because you're in good shape. But what are non-negotiables for your mental health? Are the things that you really need to support yourself that?

Boundaries in my relationship, making sure the respect is there on both ends. And me and Dara's relationship is thriving. You can tell. I'm glad we broke up for a little bit and just like worked on ourselves and kind of just like went our own separate ways. I didn't think we were going to get back together, to be honest. I didn't think so either. I'm very thankful for her and she did go through a lot.

And at the time when I was in recovery, I thought she was my enemy. I was like, she broke up with me. Like, no, like, she's your biggest supporter. No, but I didn't realize the entire time she wanted to get back together. But I was so unaware because we really weren't talking. And I was just like in defensive mode. And I was just like, this is a villain. Like, this is an actual villain.

Well, the people that in that early stages, it's like the people that love you the most are probably going to be the toughest on you. But then it can build like, I mean, I'm not going to lie. When I first was like trying to get sober, I was afraid. Like Kyle was like, I don't know, man, because he knew I needed to get help. Yeah. But it was actual love and support. But the way I looked at it, I'm like, for sure. Something that I wanted to ask you that just came to my mind.

Watching this season back, did you notice any moments of your BPD kind of. End of summer, those last few episodes. I started to shut down. Yeah. I was sleeping more. Dude, you took the craziest nap. You slept through like a whole day. Yeah, dude.

I don't remember that. Yeah, I was sleeping a lot. I remember that last day. You were just like probably feeling what overwhelmed? I was sad, bro. That was definite depression. I just didn't want it to end because growing up, my dad made me false promises all the time. So I looked forward to things.

And then when they didn't pan out or like if I wanted, was going through like a high. Like, I loved it so much because that's the BPD, you know what I mean? And that's what happened when it was all ending. I was shutting down. And then he was like, where do I go from there? Yeah, that last day was rough, man. I remember I was just looking out the window.

I was crying. And I was just sad because it's like, oh, man, I don't know if I'm going to get this experience ever again. And then I'll say, what am I facing? What am I about to face? Back in my real life. Yes. At that point, some.

comfortable shit. Yeah. I'm so proud of you, man. Thank you, bro. Just everything you've done and everything. Vice versa. I'm proud of you, too, bro. That's what makes this so enjoyable is because I get to root for you.

You root for me. But the amount of support you provided, even me, still blows me way. Seriously. Like, I never thought a million years a younger guy could show up for an older friend like you have. And then as a result, also being able to show up for you. Thank you. It's an honor and be able to call you a friend.

Appreciate that, man. And you've been a huge light. Want to kind of get into the reunion a little bit. We were talking about it before we started rolling today. Have you recovered? Yeah, I'm recovered now. Those first few weeks after I was not. Dude.

Well, I remember talking to you and Dara, we saw each other before at your birthday party, which, happy birthday again. Nice little gathering. But I remember talking to Dara. It was like, it was before the reunion. And I'm like kind of giving my OG wisdom, which is like, put it all out. Yeah. Say everything you want to say.

Yeah. This is our chance to really clear the air. But my biggest advice to you and Darrow was take a vacation right after. Get out of New York. So you guys did that, which I'm proud of. Yeah, it was much needed. I'm glad we didn't stay in the city. I mean, I know we're getting asked a lot about this.

And Andy asked me on Watch What Happens Live. Give your perspective on the experience. Can you maybe highlight how that was for you? I mean, it was your first one. Yeah. I mean, I came into it like it was game day. I remember pulling up in the SUV. Like the walk-in music.

Yeah, the walk-in. Like I had my headphones in. You know, like your bag, like your suit. Yeah. I remember seeing you walk in. I was like, oh, that's good. And I felt like there was a show going on next door. Wendy Williams reports.

Oh, really? Next door to us. There was a line for Wendy Williams. I thought that was for us. Same, dude. I was just like, what the fuck? It was nuts. I was like, no way there's a line here for it, but it wasn't for us.

But yeah, it felt like game day. And then going in, I was super nervous because I knew I was about to share my story. And I didn't know when or how. that was going to get brought up. I think you did a great job. Thank you. I meant that. I know there was a lot of emotion.

I was feeling it. You were feeling it. Jesse, our couch was feeling it. We had an interesting positioning. Yeah, we did. But I think the way you handled some of that was actually really admirable. Thank you, bro. And I'm really proud of you for that.

But did you get any closure, do you think? Yes and no. I just feel like West was just very, I don't know. He didn't show much emotion. Literally was going to say that. I'm blown away by, I didn't feel it. No. From both of them.

And I was sitting next to them. I didn't feel what I think you should feel as a result of a girl you've said you would do anything to protect. He did not protect her. You know, and then just seeing Kyle, who I just feel bad for, seeing Sierra, who I know has been hurt. But then people that I thought I knew. And some of just how you echoed, I think, your conversations about West to West, I thought was really powerful. And I actually give you a lot of grace and credit for even often. offering some of that. Thank you. Because I know you're hurt. I am, man. And, you know, I know I read his

message on Watch What Happens Live. And a lot of people were like, KJ's doing this for Cloud. I'm like, no, I really did not read that. And I was scared inside because I didn't know what it was going to say. Yeah. And then when it was brought up, I was just like, all right, let me see what it says real quick. And then I skimmed it. And then reading that was some closure for me. But I don't know when I'm ever going to talk to West again if I talk to him again. And that's honestly okay. I think people can respect that versus maybe, I don't know, sometimes in this world, people, they play games, they manipulate for story or for attention or whatever. But you can tell you're really, this is someone you were trying to have a friendship with. And there's rules you have for your friendships and how you,

and I think it's fucking badass to watch. Yeah. And I know people make mistakes. I'm someone that gives grace. trust me. I've made plenty of mistakes and people have given me grace. But it just seems like he's not learning from his mistakes. I keep seeing stuff and hearing stuff. And I'm just like, bro, what is going on? Like, are you actually sorry? And it reminds me, like I said at the reunion, so much of my father where my dad has apologized to me and said, I'm going to do this. I'm going to be better. And then it's just continues to repeat these cycles and it's just like what is going on i would think that that would you you've brought this up a few times just being let down yeah promises from mail yes you know you said something that made me cry at the dinner table from two weeks episode was you found

bros and men that you can kind of like feel comfortable with and like can you shed light on just some of that like yeah my mom did her best to raise me as a single mom to be both mom and dad but there's obvious things that she couldn't do. And I would always have just male figures pop in and out, whether that's like the youth pastor at my church, my mom's friends' husbands, my friends' dads, whatever. And it would just be in and out. You know, I'd get close to somebody,

and then it would just be like I wouldn't see them. You can't trust anyone. Yeah, I can't trust anyone. So male presence for me has been so wishy-washy my entire life that I don't trust it. And like my friends that I do have, I trust because I've been friends with them for years. Sure. And so during the summer when I found that friend group where it was like, damn, like everyone respects one another.

We're here for one another. We're not going to break each other's trust. I really believed it. And that's why it hurt me so much when West did what he did because I'm like, bro, you lied straight to all of our faces. Yeah. And the way you operate is, you know, you hold your friends. To a higher standard. If you are your friend, it's like this is.

And I know he has his own life and he can do whatever he wants, but it's just like, dude, it's just disappointing. If I could just say, you got the best situation. You got the girl that he fucked it up with. And you guys are great now. I know. So I'm thankful that West did introduce me. He did introduce you to Dera. Yeah, I am thankful for that.

I'm curious, and this is something I've experienced being in relationship on TV. It's exciting That maybe is overwhelming But then you have the audience rooting for you guys Or cheering you on Like can you talk to me about the response That you and Dara Just navigating being on a

In relationship publicly And how that's kind of been over the last It's good, bad and ugly A lot of people are supportive And I'm thankful for them But then a lot of people are hating And you're gonna get that Yeah

But if you can weigh Try to obviously stay true To just what's best for you guys But try not let that audience Inform or show shape. I'll give you a great example. It literally is happening right now. Lindsay and I. Yeah. Lindsay and I have a friendship that's been developing a little bit over these last few months, and I'm embracing and I love it. I miss that friendship with her. But there's also the chatter.

Even my mom. Are you guys what's going on? You guys are going to get back? No, that ship sailed, but I appreciate people thinking that. It's just, no, it didn't work out for the reason. It didn't work out. But I almost have people rooting for it to be a thing again. And I'm like, no, I don't. But you can like, it has been. It has been here. photos of you too though it's amazing i'm just like damn in a world i wish this could be but that's what's so interesting it almost like you hear it and it kind of informs more of your energy and yeah i also had to just take a pause i'm like we were engaged it didn't work out there's a lot of history here it's just better being friends yeah yeah so i'm wondering if any of like the pressure or maybe people

just rooting for does that how did it's new for you it is new but we do a good job at not letting that tear us apart. It affects us individually, of course, but the relationship, we both know what we want and what we've gone through together, and it was gnarly. And it's honestly some love story shit that we're not going to let outside influence affect that. I think you showcase as a younger couple, some of the communications you guys had over the season two were really profound, I think, for a young couple. I mean, I would, most men would be really reaction. and childish and probably manipulative. And the girl might be more of whatever it is.

But you two have had difficult stuff. I mean, kind of the whole Ben and Bailey in the bedroom. But the way you guys navigated that, like, are you guys always like that in private? Yeah, I mean, we have our issues. Don't like get me wrong, but... But it seems like you guys have really good communications.

It's because I have to, sometimes for myself, I don't know about Dara, but for me, I have to just think about, like, all right, if I were to react this way, how would this affect the relationship? Because what I went through in the past before recovery, I was like very reactive. Like I'd get upset or I'd take things so personally that like it would be an issue. You know what I'm saying?

Where now I'm like, oh, maybe Derr's just having a bad day and her wanting alone time has nothing to do with the relationship or if she's going through a problem that has nothing to do with me, it doesn't mean she doesn't like me or she's upset at me it's just her going through her own thing so now i'm able to break that down where before i wasn't where i'd be like oh she's upset about something she hates me it's your fault it's my fault's ending yes and then darrell would be like what's going on you know i'm saying teach me your ways man because i feel like this too bro hey i'm telling you recovery i learned so much bro it gave you a playbook to live your life it did give me a playbook and i don't want to ever be in the hospital again for anything you know and that scared the shit out of me i was just

like i never want to do this again and that hold on to that feeling yeah i don't want to feel like this again yeah and that feeling is what i had i can't live like this anymore yeah and the further along you get it's just hold on to that feeling because you you don't ever want to go like that and trust me we were all scared too and i'm just so glad you're you're dude you're fucking killing it right now thank you bro it's like you deserve you just reserve all of these blessings and God's got your back. The universe has your back. I know God's got me and it's sometimes I feel bad for like this past week and I got to fly on a private jet and be on a yacht. And I was just like, why me? Like there's people struggling and

why am I able to do this? But then Dara's like, you just went through some crazy shit. Like don't ever feel that way. Use it more than anybody. And I appreciate that man. But that feeling you have, I get it. I'm not worthy. These blessings are not for me. You're going to continue to face that because I think as someone as dynamic and powerful as who you are and your story, you're going to continue to get some of these really cool things that I know you're going to be like, how the fuck am I here?

I want to talk about a few more things before we get wrapped up. Music and skateboarding. I'm curious, like, what does music do for you? Or what's that journey been like? Man, music's got me through some super low times. And what is it in the music? Is it the writing? Is it the performing?

It's everything. I mean, my favorite artists, their lyrics have gotten me through tough times. Can you shout out any artists? Tyler, the creator, Ferrell. We talked about Tyler this summer a lot. Honestly, I'm going to give Tyler his flowers right now because he's very relatable. Grew up, black skateboarder. He's from California, but he grew up in a part where it was like predominantly white, I think.

And was just always into like different shit. And he is a very creative person and he got made fun up for that. And he liked what he liked and he knew himself from a very young age, just like myself. And to see where he's gotten and just kind of the roadblocks he's had to endure like through his journey and seeing how successful he is now and how impactful he is. People who used to talk shit on Tyler are now his fans. And they're like, oh, yeah, Tyler is dope. Like his LV collection that he just designed is super sick. And it's just like, he's been doing this shit though.

But y'all never like. Yeah, now you know. Yeah, now you know. And it's just he's my blueprint. The music has been kind of an escape, but also like a healing process. It has been healing for sure, man. What's next on the music front? I know you put out a new.

Yeah. I mean, I put out a few singles this past month. I'm putting out more. I have a lot of big stuff. I have something coming at the end of the month. Hell yeah. I have some stuff for the summer that I want Kyle to spend. Hell yeah.

Yeah. Some catchy stuff that I think you'll like. I mean, I love music. I'm not a good, I can't rap, but I know a good tune. You and I have a ear, bro. So if you like it, I know it's a hit. This guy was putting on, like, we put on some 70. I know some 70s soul.

You and I were like going back and forth between like an old 70s, like an Isley brothers or an Ohio players. Yeah, even in soft bar, you play that shit. The Gap band. We were getting into it. No, I'll be here sometimes. And I'm like, damn, I know Carl's be. this like bro you have a ear for music and like it's nice to be able to have conversations with

music heads that actually know their history and like no good music because some people think they know good music and they don't they don't well music for me i mean probably similar like not performing it but listening or breaking down different eras or songs or kind of genres it's healing for me like music connects me to my brother music connects me to myself i also listen to artists in the lyrics that they write, I mean, I love Nas. And I'll go running through Queens, and I like hear Nas,

and he's very visual with his rapping. He is. I can, like, visually see what he's doing and his raps while running through Queens. It's wild, dude. So a lot of artists have inspired me in my own journey, and that's why I just love talking

about your musical stuff. So I'm excited for... Yeah, the new stuff. Keep saying, man. There's a hit in there, bro. Keep rapping. Yeah, thank you. But I'm curious about the skateboarding, too.

Like, I'm so... I love skateboarding. The tricks... and things I've seen you do. Like, you're unbelievable. You know, is skateboarding an escape too for you? Now, now that there's no pressure on it. I feel like I'm skating the best I've ever skated right now.

Because when there was pressure on it, even a few years back, I remember I was like trying to get back into like the skateboarding thing. And like I picked up a few sponsors. Shout out to Nimbus skateboards, SML wheels. I do have sponsors for people that are asking me if I have sponsors. because there's some people online there like who's this sponsors like who's he's pro for actually so you got boards wheels and trucks just boards and wheels boards and wheels but my sponsor nimbus skateboards they asked to turn me pro and i denied it like they wanted to put my name on like a

skateboard and everything that's what turning pro is in skateboarding sure and i just didn't feel ready until i had a video part come out and so technically i'm pro because i've been paid to like do skateboarding ads and stuff like that. So I do want to set the record straight. I am a professional skateboarder. And one other part of your skateboarding journey, you went viral. Yes. For basically creating a trick that didn't exist. Yes. Like I took a variation of one trick and then I did something out that's never before done. I was like, let me try this one foot it and see if I can do the like the full trick one foot. And then I did it. And I remember I uploaded it. And I was just like, we'll see what happens. And then the barracks picked it up. Street League picked it.

up. I remember the news showing up in my house. Fox News, K.C. It was a whole thing in Kansas City for a minute. And I was on the newspaper, like on the front of the newspaper. Yeah, that was like a huge step in my career because from there, I was just like, oh, what's next? And then I went to LA. And then I did the LA thing. It's almost like you had a one hit wonder. It was a one hit wonder for me. Yes. And then like you're young 19. So yeah, that's a lot of pressure. And I remember. And I remember, I told my mom, I was like, give me a year trying the skateboarding thing because I had dropped out of school. I was going to be a firefighter, which is wild. Shout out to the firefighters. We love our firefighters. Yeah, we love them. Thank you for your service.

And yeah, I dropped out of school, did the skate thing and then started modeling after that. We do got to come to an end. I love you, man. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you. Thank you. Fucking love seeing this. Your journey, even for me, is inspiring. And I think that don't lose sight of bad age gap. You never know who's going to be inspiring or helping you. And you've helped me so much. I don't know what I would have done last in a Not you. No, thank you, brother. That's a lot to me.

I say this at the end of every pod. What is giving you more life right now? God, family, friends. Love it. Nice and simple. Yes. It's so profound. And really, really important shit.

Thank you for being here, KJ. Thanks for having me, Carr. I love you, bro. Love you too, man. Is there anywhere? You want to plug anything? How can people reach you? And you do respond to some messages if people do reach out?

I do respond on Instagram. So, yeah, reach out to me on Instagram. Shout out to my mom, Shelly. She's been here at softbar She's all the photos Apparently she's a huge fan She's a huge fan of you We love our moms

Yeah I got to talk to on the phone Yeah Which was really special You can tell a lot of your amazing qualities Come from your mother And just how she raised you And thank you And shout out to release recovery

For really truly Forming me into who I am today And that's just an amazing story That you need to keep telling Share loudly my friend Keep going Work hard, play hard What was your other saying?

Give me that orange chicken. Give me that orange chicken. Jay J. Dellerid, thank for being here, man. Yes, sir. Love you, bro. Yep. Thank you guys. This is, I just love this guy.

I hope you guys enjoy this. But check us out again here at Softbar. Coming to you live in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Thanks for being here. More Life is produced by Annie Siegel, and executive produced by Adam Reynolds of Denham Pictures. This episode was directed by Annie Siegel, edited by Mikey Ortiz,

and recorded at Soft Bar Studios in Brooklyn, New York. More Life is a professional. production of Sony Music Entertainment. From Sony, our executive producers are Chris Skinner.