Morning Good - 100 EPISODES, BABY!

Episode Date: July 24, 2022

Thank YOU listeners for sticking with us all the way to 100 episodes. We're gonna keep the show coming with the same fun energy so keep listening and keep laughing. Thanks also to Jake and Paddy for coming back on the show. Make sure to check to check them out to keep up with everything they have going on.Jake is on IG @jake_timothy and Paddy is as well @paddy_is_funky. He also would like you to check out his new blog at pink-brains.com. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. What's it? You have gay sex with your dad? What? You have gay sex with your father? No, I have gay sex with your dad. Okay, now you've got it.

All right. All right, we're here with Patty DeFien. know? I look right at Jake. No, I'm not. Should we pretend to be each other? For your own, Jake, Torrard. Dude, I met a guy last day with a voice deeper than yours.

He was, like, heckling a bunch. Is my voice of that deep? Yes. Do you not realize how deeper voice? But you know how your voice sounds different to you. Yeah. In your head, are you just like, in my head?

In my head, it sounds like, go, do, do, no, no. Yeah, is it deep? I think it's deeper in your own head. Yeah, it is. dude, when I hear my voice, I'm like, I'm a fucking retard. Yeah, yeah. Because it's just like...

It's fun, though. You sound like a Simpsons character. Oh, that's... Dude, I can do a lot of this. I can do Mr. Burns. Simpson, he... Like, that's pretty close, right? I can do Homer, dude.

March. I can do March. Homer? That's more like a sister. How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling? Homer. Do itly, flutily. What's like?

It's funny how people get mad about Apu, but not the guy who's, the character is he's a Mexican guy and a B costume. Oh, yeah, yeah. No one cares about him. No. Wasn't that, wasn't that like a Mexican TV show? Yeah, it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I used to, like, watch that.

Did I even introduce Jake Timothy? Patty DeFino and Jake Timothy are here, by the way. And it's the 100th episode. Oh, dude. Can we cheers? Can we cheers? Yeah, yeah. Oh.

You guys are, you guys are on trims for you. Whoa, dude. Yeah, way to bury the lead, dude. What was I just going to have the whole episode And it'd be like I also I'm convinced I didn't even take enough To feel it

Yeah I'd get so scared Before I take mushrooms Yeah because I take them all the time now And like I just go to like Concerts But I was like I'm not going to a concert I'm not going to have bright lights

Hot women So you're scared because you had to hang out with us You're like it's gonna fucking suck I don't have to podcast To be fair Podcasting is the lamest shit You can do on Shrooms It's also like you have to confront your real emotions.

Yeah, yeah. Which if you're out of concert, you don't have to do that. You just look at things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you have to do that on a podcast? I also, I think so. Yeah, I don't know. Have you listened to this podcast?

There's no confronting of emotions. I come out here every week with like my deepest and darkest truth. I would like to do it. Like, you watch Eastbound it down where he runs this like talk show where he stages like a fun talk show, but then he hits the lights and he's like, you're in the hot seat. and then it gets like very dramatic. That would be a fun thing to do if I had like a light switch

that I could just hit and then have like dramatic music start playing. You should definitely start adding some, you know, little features to your show. Yeah, I told you the crayon thing I'm trying to do,

but I can't even get crayons. That's how dumb I am to eat. There's the lead's plan every time I bring a mentally disabled people. Moving forward, I know, I've said this for like four episodes. I, if I bring them up and the listener catches me on it

or a, then I have to take a bite out of a crayon and donate $4 to the Special Olympics. But if you see, say the ard word? Not the hard word. No, no, no. If I bring up people who are mentally challenged. Wait, why $4?

I don't know. It seems like an odd. That's a pretty retarded amount of money. You should just give $1 for every extra chromosome. Yeah, I guess, yeah. I don't know. And then pedophiles is the other thing. I haven't figured out what we're going to do about them.

But if I bring up them, because those are just the two topics. Every time you bring up pedophiles, you have to blow a kid in the street. Well, that would be the opposite. I actually used something good for that community. Donate $4 to Nambla. What's Nambla? You remember that South Park episode? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, nobody understands, though, because it has to mirror what I'm doing with the Special Olympics thing. That's a good thing for people. Yeah, I thought you just had a cool podcast that was trying to blow kids in the street. No, no. I told you that shirt I saw a shirt that said,

you know the new kids on the block? I saw a shirt with the same font and it said, new kids on my cock. And it was just walking around. That's awful. It's so funny, though. The problem is I have fucking OCD, so I immediately saw it and I was like, oh, it's funny, new

kids on the block T-shirt. And I looked up Google images and then I'm like, fuck, dude, I'm going to be on the list. I freaked out for like hours about it because my brain's fucking stupid, yeah. I saw one that said, it said, it said, Cheech and it pointed up and then it said, and Dong and pointed out.

I love the collaboration of those two worlds because it's like, I love weed and I fucking love my car. Yeah. I love drawing attention. I'm kind of tired of people I don't know They're really

They underrate Overrated things Like they're like Oh what do you like Smoking weed And fucking watching porn I'm like that is what I like And I don't refuse to

Yeah Yeah I love Stewie Griffin I'm not gonna join like The subculture Yeah Of just like I'm a weed guy Yeah but you're also

You're Jake Tim I feel like you You refuse to join any culture Like you wear white t-shirts I'm not I'm shitting on you for it But it's like I feel like you are very like Dude you could be a cult leader

I feel like. That's the most cultural this is a classic American look white t-shirt and jeans. I'm not wearing jeans. What if I find out that's why you're wearing it? You're like, you want to look like a good old boy? You're like, this is what America was good. Classic American. Yeah. We're in a powdered wig. That would be funny if people got like that nostalgic for the old times.

They just dressed like a guy from like the 1950s. Yeah. I don't even see people do that. Yeah, but those are usually like the least racist people. I think those are like the more hipster people. Yeah. The most racist people are wiggers. We all know that. I mean, too and extent. We're all aware of that.

I don't know though. I think they're so... I don't think so. Yeah. I don't know if that's technically... I know also. I've realized that bothers me unless they're like the full extent. Like if you're like riffrapped or Chet Hanks, then it's cool. But anybody outside of that annoys me, like just some like random guy that thinks he's black. You know what I mean? It's like you have to be, you have to go fully into it. Like if you're fully into it, then I'm about it. You have to like say the N word with no remorse or anything. Like you're just like, this belongs to me and my people. That's what Chad did, but the chat made like an

apology video. And he's like, I'm so fucked. Yeah, yeah, because now that would be pretty hard for the way he phrased it. If you say the N-word around a black person, they're like, whoa, and you're like, oh, no, no, I have no remorse. It's okay. No, no, I don't feel bad about it. Dude, to be fair, there are some people that, like, are just grandfather. They're like, that's just what that guy does.

To a certain level. But you have to convince everybody, that you're either stupid enough. They're grand hard art in. Yeah, I mean, that is a thing, dude. Like, you would just have to, like, like, we're too young to get into that. It's just not going to happen. Yeah.

But I feel like if you're at, like, a certain level, like, yeah, people are just like, that's just what he does. Like, fucking Tarantino. Like, he's totally, he's just like, yeah, whatever, that's what I do. That's just what I do. That's what he did. Like, you hear him on podcast, he's like, yeah, I say the N-word in my movies.

That's what it is. Yeah. He's something else. And he writes it into it. He types it's fine, dude. He really makes a point to do it. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah.

To be fair, he brought up a great point about Django, though. He's like, I guarantee you the N-word and the antebellum south would have been said way more than it was. Yeah, but that's one movie. He does it in every movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood doesn't do it in that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I mean, they're all bullshit.

It was the 60s. Yeah, we didn't see the deleted scenes, though. Just Bruce Lee's character. You'll cut big, boom. throwing flying kicks shouting the N-word just a room full of white people oh my God

yeah that that would be funny if you'd deleted scenes of Tarantino it's just him voiceover saying it's just like N-word every scene you're like

Jesus Christ it's not even related it's just like like director's commentary yeah bunch of Fibs in here you see this I saw like a

thing about Django where like Leonardo DiCaprio didn't want to say it he didn't want to say he's like you know how they all, all actors, dude, they're so fucking gay. They're just like, oh, no, I just, it hurts or whatever.

And then, like, Jamie Fox is like, dude, we need you to step it up. And then the next day, he just fucking doesn't even look at Jamie Fox. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ripping hard hours out of him. And Jamie's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He is a white guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I heard that story, too, yeah, because he was like, oh, I don't want to say it.

And then it was like, you don't want to say, you just took the role. Yeah, yeah, he also read the script. Like, if you really cared, you'd be like, I love this script, I just can't be in it. It would have been funny if he was trying to find other, like, ways of saying it. He's like, can I say, like, just creatively saying worse racial slurs? Yeah, I thought you're going to let it fly. I'm not allowed to. I'm on mushrooms, dude.

Yeah, yeah. I'm too in touch with my roots, ironically, you know. What are your, what are your root? Are you Irish? You're Irish. I'm Irish and Italian, mostly Irish, so. See, I feel no connection. to any of mine.

No. Defino's Italian. The second I see anybody getting, I don't know, I'm like, ugh, you know what I mean? Like, it's cool, but it's, even where you're from, I don't know. I weirdly, I'll catch myself

being Florida proud and I'm like, this is stupid to be proud of where you're from. Dude, when I saw you walking up the sidewalk today all Florida proud. To be fair, I was. Boiled my blood. I was wearing a flip-flop and a bathing seat to be fair. With like a smoothie.

Yeah. If you had like a gator-tooth necklace on, I wouldn't have done the pod, dude. I have a puka I think it's a shark tooth But it's I don't know It could be anybody's tooth A puka and a shark tooth

In the same necklissue Oh my god What is it? Wait, oh I thought that's what a puka was No, a pukes shell is just the shells Oh, okay A shark tooth necklace Usually doesn't have the puka shells

Yeah, a shark tooth I keep saying it like that Pooka, pooket, that's how you gotta say You fucking pukes shell necklace, brother That's what I'm fucking wearing today These are my roots These are my fucking roots My puka shell met

I mean, I don't know, it is a good play. I do like Florida. But it is weird to be proud of something that, like, you just haven't been born there. Being Italian and proud is the most embarrassing thing in the world. Oh, for sure. You're not proud of being. No, I'm very ashamed. I'm the same.

I'm, like, almost all Irish and then a little bit Italian. I think Irish is a better one because Irish people, everyone shits on Italian people, but Italian people don't, like, have any sense of, like, self-awareness, really. Dude, there's Irish people shit on themselves. It's borderline retarded with some of town. You're like, you know, we're all making fun of you as a culture, right? And they're like, yeah, it's a joke. And you're like, no, dude, nobody fucking...

You're a walking stereotype. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of it. And it's not even, like, remotely, like, you're like, oh, this guy's kind of like this guy in the movie. It's like, dude, that guy we saw the guy. I'm not going to say who. Dude, we saw a guy last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is his name known? I'm not going to say his name, but... When Eli and Jason were like, oh, yeah, it's this guy. I was like, how do you know? know him. Just hear him screaming from across the river. Just some guy just wearing like fucking wife

beater and just like dress pants with the white beater and then like no no like a tight wife beater. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ryan wears the loosest wifebeater of anyone I've ever met. Dude, and just like gelled hair and just talking like he's like, you his guy is and I'm like,

what is going on here? Really hammered up the voice. Yeah. It was so ridiculous. Well, that's like the most annoying thing too is he might just be from New Jersey. He might not even be Italian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He might just be like from New Jersey and hasn't

showered in like three days. Yeah, that's very possible. That's like they just kind of all blend into one. And I think honestly, New Jersey people give Italian people a bad rep. Yes, my favorite part when Chris Christie got on, he's like, see, these guys in Jersey short, they're not even from Jersey, they're from New York.

I'm like, yeah, you still are garbage. You're all fucking, like, I will admit, there's beautiful parts of New Jersey. I fucking hate Springsteen. I fucking hate Bon Jovi and I fucking hate Who's the other guy? Billy Joel.

No, no, Billy Joel's Long Island. Okay. Well, I hate Long Island too now. Long Island still sucks. Oh, dude, I have a funny story. Yeah, too. But I really hope no one from

my office listens. Well, this is the 100th episode. They're going to hear it. It's kind of a big deal. I cannot tell it. Yeah. Fuck, dude. Don't pull that shit.

Why can't you say it? Well, now, if they listen to this, they're all going to know you have some shit to talk about them. Well, no, it's not about, it's, it really, oh,

shit, dude. I love you being on mushrooms down. Like, it'll be a great episode now you're just second guessing everything you're saying. Oh, they're going to think I'm weird.

Dude, this, like, this could ruin me if they hear this. Did Cheryl from accounting get an abortion? No, can we, like, maybe put this on a, Patreon? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just tell us, and then we'll decide.

Okay. Yeah, you, I, maybe I need you guys. So, I, uh, like, I have, you know how I have this, like, blood clot thing in my leg? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, explain that first. I have a blood clot in my leg. Okay, great, now that you covered that. Oh. So, I've kind of been, uh, like, I haven't really gone into my office for work a whole lot because I'm, like, milking it, you know? But rightfully so. I'm not supposed to be, like, walking around too much. And, uh, but the other day, like, randomly. I went into my office

and two days prior there was a woman in our office who passed away like really sweet woman nice woman I bet she was a cunt real cunt no no no no no

no no this is a hundred episode baby we call dead people cuns we're edgy bro this is so not good anyway she passed away two days prior and I just go into the office

randomly and I'm just like in like a blue shirt pants and everyone is coming in we have like a hybrid thing. So usually it's like two other people. Everyone's coming in wearing totally black. And I realize her like service is that day. And everyone was planning on going from there to the service.

But I was like not, I had no idea because I wasn't paying attention. You think it's like casual Friday. You were in like a fun. You were in a teaching in dog shirt. And so I'm just like, so I just pretended that I knew. And I was like, yeah.

Like I just had. I didn't have any black and like all this. So like I end up spending the whole day at this funeral. And like I don't really know her well because like we started, I started working in this company like at the start of the pandemic. So I've been at home the entire time for two years. I don't really know her. So I'm just sitting at this like Jewish funeral and they're doing a and dude,

my entire office is just bawling their eyes out. And I'm just sitting there like, I can't, like, I thought I was going into work. Like, dude, it's such a bizarre moment. Oh, you got tricked into it. When you don't know you're going to be at a funeral. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was crazy.

Yeah, so that stays in the episode. I'm just kidding. We can take it out of you watch. Does this get worse? Uh, no, that's it. That's totally, that's not bad at all. Really? If they've heard you on, they're going to fire you for earlier things you've said on the podcast,

this is not the one thing they're going to. That's probably true. I think I'm just a little, you know, That's just an interesting, it's like a short story. It's like I read a short story. It's like, I thought it's going to work, but life can end at any moment. Yeah, that was, you did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong.

I mean, I did masturbate on her corpse. Yeah. I mean, there he is. One hundred, baby. I just, uh, I didn't want to like, you know, bring. These shrooms are bad for you, man. They're making you a vaj. This is, we got, no, dude.

They're bringing me close. Yeah. I haven't heard that. Yeah, what year is this? I see badge and chow. And I'm sticking to saying those. I feel like I was 12 years old. Yeah.

What are you a bad guy from stranger thing? What you chow doing? No, you're right. That's not that. I would have, honestly, if I wasn't on trumes, I would have just let it fly. But then afterward, I would have had a moment of reflection where I'm like, you're a piece of shit for at least not trying.

It was awkward that you didn't go to, you didn't know the person's, I had to go to a funeral one time. whose baby passed away. And I had to go to the funeral. That was awkward because I was like, I didn't even know the baby. And this is when I was like seven years old.

And like that was like, you know what I mean? But who really knows a baby? Nobody, nobody. Yeah, I have a bit about it. That's what they're saying at the funeral. They're like, he was so solemn. That's the only the bit I have. It's like, oh, man, he was always kept a close to the vest.

What's different close to the vest? I don't know. That's it. Close to the chest. Close to the vest is when someone's like reserved. Oh, not, I was saying closed to the vest.

I don't know. Close to the vest. Clothes to the vest. Jesus, you guys are fucking, you guys are fucking up the program, okay? On Shrooms,

you're licking the microphone. But that was a fucking weird one too because I'm like, I don't know. Also, I feel like I was like seven at the time. You're trying to make so much more out of we're on Trum's. rooms. We're having a pretty regular

conversation and you're like, dumb, it's because you guys are on drugs. Because you guys are my story. It just sucks because you guys are much shit. Oh, yes. What happened? No, so you were a seven. Yeah, I was, yeah. I don't know. It doesn't matter. No, so you're at a baby's funeral. I thought this was

recent. No, no, no, no. It's like so long ago. But I feel like it's, I don't know, it's weird because then like, I don't remember if I said anything to the family because then it's like, I'm going up and I'm like, do I say, I'm sorry, your baby dad. Like, you know what do you? What do you? What do you do? I don't know.

Did they play taps on a kazoo? Play what? That was a really good joke. Desmo, yeah. I don't know how the song goes, but it's that thing they play when, like, guys in the military die. We're talking about

Burr, Burn, Burn, Amazing Grace? No, Amazing Grace would have been better. On the fucking kazoo? It's called Taps, I believe. Oh, yeah. It's out. It's called Taps.

It's called Taps. It's not. It's such a sing-songy bowling alley name for that song. Or that could be what Tom Hanks plays it big on the piano. Oh, no, it's the chopsticks. Chopsticks. Chopsticks. Oh, boy, dude.

Talk about didn't age well. What? There's this song called chopsticks. Not like it's over like a voice. I want to see if that's the name of it. It's called chopsticks. No, Taps. Oh.

Taps. I also know Taps was, that was the ghost hunting guys, right? No. Am I retarded? Do I have to eat a crayon? Yeah, tap song by, uh... Dude, get ready for this shit, dude. It's just a sad funeral song.

I nailed it, dude. Oh, he's really holding the nose. They're just bringing the little baby coughing through. But it's... Oh, my God. But on a kazoo. Anyway, dude, I was talking somebody. also went to a baby funeral and they said there was a regular size coffin and I'm like that that's

are you guys in a support group together yeah guys who went to be no we didn't lose a baby it was very awkward at the funeral that's why we're that that's the support group but um talking about they had a full size casket for like a baby and I'm like it's gotta be you got the pallbear is when you're lifting you got a war it's gonna like roll around a little bit because it's like if you're a giant coffin in like a little baby inside when they picked it up that it sounded like you just scratched on a pool table that's horrible they got to like weighted down. You bring it up

to them and they're like, oh no, the baby's strapped down. Just duct tape to the center. He's in the coffin just. Do you imagine?

Somebody just like, do you have any more duct tape? Just like ripping with their teeth. Just taping a dead baby to the inside of the coffin. They don't they tie it to the lane. The most impersonal fucking thing. This fucking baby

wants to have a rolling around. Fucking. They tape it to the lid so when you open it, it's just like on the door. Oh, yeah, it's on the other side. You're tap it on the top side so that you open it. You're like, where if the baby goes on the inside of the lid. Oh, shit, it was upside down. I was thinking more like weights, you know, like, you know those workout weights?

Not like on the baby, but like on the clothes maybe. Pitting down its hands, yeah. Oh, my God, just paper weights. I know what you're talking about. It's like an all-state paperweight or something like that. Everyone, it's like open cast and they're like, did he like to work out or something? What is this? Did he have a desk job?

Oh, man. The duct tape thing I can't get over there. Yeah, I've had to go to, yeah, too many funerals. I don't know. That seems expensive, but also, dude, there's got to be something jarring. Oh, I bet you. you they over tries it. They're like, what do you know?

Like, yeah. They're not going to just do it because it's a smaller thing. No. I'd imagine funerals aren't. That's like, sweet. We got a discount because the coffee's tiny. I mean, I would imagine they're not priced out per pound. No.

Yeah. It's a fat person. Funerals like so expensive. Well, because the pallbearers are people you know, though. Yeah. So that's the thing. I wonder, do you think that's an issue where there's people that are too fat when they have the pallbearer?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you need like. Morbally obese. But maybe they're like, guys. They're like, we'll move to next week. He'll lose the weight just by virtue of being not eating. Yeah, guys, we got to hit the gym this week. Greg just thought.

There's no way we can lower Greg into that hole. Those are a funny video. I mean, people dropping. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude, like coffin flops. Yeah, real life. Do you cough, what a great fucking concept for the thing. Did you guys see Nathan Fielders?

Amazing. Dude, his shit. Dude. It's great. So fucking funny. The part where the guy's like, the cop, he's like,

stays like these where I share my fucking, I, uh, what does he say? I curse the Chinese for a venting gunpowder. Dude, that's so genius. We were talking, I saw it some friends.

We were talking about like, it really makes you, it's upsetting because like, you will never be able to make anything close to that funny. Like, to be fair, he's been doing it. for like 15 years, though.

He has. He's got to be like 45 or something. Yeah, because he started on, what's it called? Like, he started 11? No, no. He's like, I gotta make. I was just ready. I got to make weird awkward comedy

for the world to be happy. No, he started on, what's it called, like important things with Demetri Martin, then he was on John. Oh, okay. Important things was like 10 years ago. That was an old-ass show. Was he just like a writer on that?

Or was he like a writer and like an actor. Yeah, he was acting in it. But, yeah, that show is fucking hilarious. I don't know. Yeah, the rehearsal. I'm just going to plug the rehearsal. You know, speaking to Chinese, okay? This is something I was talking about.

Can we do the rest of the podcast in Chinese? I'll try it. All right, you go first. Ping-bao, shing-di-dong-gay-ball. Pee! Is that K-pop? That's Korean, my bad. My best at trying.

Oh, you just leave me. me hanging me? No, no, no, I'm going to try my best to do a Chinese voice. What am I going to say? Like, give me a phrase. I'm not doing an accent. I have to pretend to know a language strictly. This might be the most racist thing I'm going to go to the podcast. Just strictly on what it sounds like to me. Okay. Oh, wait, you want me to give you something to say? No, no, no. Yakutu, who, who, jaja futu, he, he, do kashim, who. You're not Jar Jjar Binks, dude. Come on, dude. That was crazy. All right, try speaking French without knowing French now.

See, that sounded way less offensive than your... I'm starting to think you have animosity towards... On stage the other day, I did... Like, a guy in the audience said something to me in, like, Jamaican, or he said, like, a bumble clot or something like that. And he said something else that I couldn't understand. So I just started shouting, like, Jamaican gibberish at him. And it was, like, getting laughs, and I didn't really understand why.

and then when I got off stage, they were like, you were saying words. You were like saying words in Jamaica. That's awesome. That's fucking nuts. You were totally winging it. You're like, I guess I was just saying shit I'd heard people say on subway or whatever.

Sinsamia. I think that means weed. Or they'll be Spanish for weed. I don't know. That sounds like Italian. Yeah. Inso me. There are times though when I just like yell at a dog and I'm like,

I'm pretty sure they just understood what I meant. Like, wait. Like what? Yeah, I used to call my dog like just a dumb slut when she walked in the house. Just like fun stuff like that. But occasionally I would just get like a glance. And I was like it does kind of feel. It feels like I did hurt its feelings.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, dogs can like grow to resent you. Oh, for sure. Well, it's like my dog, the worst move of the dog pulls is when you try to pet them, but they want food. And they do the head dodge thing. Yeah. Like normally they'll let you pet them all the time. They love it.

But if they want food, they'll specifically be like, no, I don't want to be pet right now. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My dog at home, like upstate, my parents' dog, has never liked to be pet. And, dude, it's like, once you realize you have a dog that doesn't like to be pet, you're like, why did we get a dog? How soon can we kill it?

It's kind of just, like, now she's getting like lumps on her leg. We're like, all right, good, dude. Countdown to the when we can get a real dog. It is kind of just like. This one doesn't work. You do not like your dog. Yeah. I like her.

It's just like having a large cat. Yeah. It is, dude. I mean, I've never had a large cat. If you try to pet the dog, is she like vicious? Is you really not like it to that extent? No, she's, uh, she's fine. She's just like that's not her thing, you know?

It's like, uh, I don't know. It's like if you try to like kiss a woman. They're like, no, who doesn't want to be kissed. But the, you guys know. The difference is the dog. The dog is like, you still. keep going for the dog, though. Like, yeah, you're like, one of these days you'll finally remember you're a fucking dog.

Firmly abusing your dog. Dude, I'm going to stop writing down, because sometimes I think of good ideas on your podcast. Was this a bit? One time? No, no, I mean, like, I just write that. I was going to write it down, but then I'm like, why? I could just listen to your podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was like how condescending you said, you said, you wrote that down. That's what, that's what you call fucking bits. You fucking, I think that was funny. I was telling him before the podcast. He makes me laugh. Oh, he's great. He's a very funny comedian. All right, let's not talk about this anymore.

Yeah, we like you, man. Oh, God. Not on mushrooms. I'm gonna fucking get a poner. It's okay. We forgive you. Dude, I do get horny on mushrooms, though. Really?

Yeah. I don't at all. I get horny when I'm working from home. I jerk off on the clock, like, all the time. Like, if I'm working from home, it's just going to be a part of my schedule. Yeah. You jerk off like onto the face of the clock? On the class, yeah.

Yeah. I was thinking about, like, like, last night, you don't remember how Jeffrey Toobin got in trouble for that? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, didn't Chris Evans just post a picture of his penis by accident and everyone was like, ah, it's fine. So it's, the dick thing's weird. If you send somebody a dick pick,

then it's sexual harassment, if you get your dick picks leaked, or if you post, you could post whatever you want on Twitter, so I could just post my asshole and I would not be sexual harassment. So it's like, you could in a way... I would say it's like, like he just accidentally just showed... No, no, he's a big platform. He got leaked, I'm pretty sure. Chris Evans.

No, he didn't. Really? No, he didn't. Because he posted a... And they had that guy Play Buzz Lugger? He posted a screenshot. He was Buzz Lyslakey.

And he's got a huge... Why does he get a huge cock? It's very unfair, I agree. Who are you talking about? Chris Evans. Oh, God. Now we know Jake has a Mammack. It looked big.

Pull it up right now. Pull it up right now. You have your phone. Can you look up... Dude. Yeah, we know it's already on your phone, dude. One of nine tabs. Like, once a day just Googles gay porn.

And then... He's going, there you go, big guy. Chris Evans, beautiful cop. Posts his own dick online. According to cocktails and cock talk, dude. Can there be a bigger fucking load of flusies in the world than those horrors? Can't trust them.

Yeah. Fake news at cocktails. Now, I do have Boost Mobile, so it's going to take a while for this cocktail. Boosmob was a very homophobic. The one company that didn't do a pride thing. This is it. That's it.

That's a bad angle. It looks like the Batman. Yeah, it is kind of. It's like, oh my God. Imagine if someone asks you to send them a dick pick and you send them a shadow. Just the shadow of your penis. This is somehow

way more threatening. It's not my dick, but you could tell what time it is based on the size of the shadow. It's like you're outside. I live in the darkness. That was one thing I hate about that Batman movie. The way he fucking, it was too overzealous with that stuff. He's like, I am the shadows and all that. Yeah.

Cut that out. Yeah, we get it. You're the Batman. Yeah. Yeah. I watched it. I was like, I don't actually think I like the Batman that much. I like it.

I hate it. I just didn't like it. Like you didn't like the movie that much or the actual? No. When that movie came out and I watched it, I was like excited. And then I was like, I think I just like The Dark Night. Yeah, yeah. I don't think I like any of the other bullshit.

I thought you were calling him the Batman. Like, you're like, that's how you addressed the character. I think you should solve crimes with your face out. Yeah. I don't like the Batman as a concept as much as a... It's also so... You sound like a politician persecuting Batman. When you say it that way, you're like, we need to stop the Batman.

Like, you know, you call Batman if you're like a real person in our reality. But in their reality, they call it. the Batman. Yeah. They do, yeah. Yeah. They should have said, unmasked.

What's up? Solving crimes with your face out. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. With your face out. Yeah. Your face all out and shit.

Yeah. I do like the idea of him wearing the Batman outfit, but it's like a tel-tubby thing. It's like he still has the ears, but just his face. It's just like exposed like that. Oh, did you guys see Blackphode?

That kind of reminds of that. He said he hated it. Wait, wait. Dude, my roommate hated it too, and I yelled at him. Did you like it? Yeah, dude, I liked it. I also like, dude, I saw minions the other day.

I loved it. Well, that's completely different. Yeah, they are. They are very different. The minions looks fun. Minions is good, dude. I don't go to the minions being like, I heard this is terrifying. I hope I get scared.

We'll defend Black phone. Well, first of all, I defend everything Black phone. Yeah, nice, dude. Fuck, I wish I didn't walk over your joke right there. That's so good. Dude, I thought about that for like three minutes. I was like, okay, Boost Mobile, black phone, black phone company.

Black people use Boost Mobile. How the fuck do I fucking get this in here? And then I'm just like, whoa, it's a movie. And you just fucking nail the joke. I was just ignoring everything you're saying. I'm like, all right. He has a black phone company. The commercials would just be two black guys.

They'd be like, where are you at? Boost Mobile. Yeah. Hey, where to booty at? Hey, yo. And you realize they're not even on phones. They're just like right next to each other. Oh, yeah, they're in like a pool, right?

Oh, wait, are you talking about a real commercial? Yeah, yeah. Oh. Yeah, totally, me too. You were just making a racist thing in your head. No, yeah, it was like two black guys, and one of them was in, like, he was on like an inflatable thing, and he's like, yo, where are you at? And the other guy's like, where are you at? And that was like, go back and forth and be like, I don't know, I asked you first, where you at?

And that was Boost Mobile? And that's your phone. Yeah, that's the phone company. Yeah. Which is, I mean, I don't know. You said the service is bad? The services, dude, one time I went in. And I was like, I'm like, I'm not getting any calls.

Like, my SIM card's not working. They're like, got to get a new phone. I was like, this is a new phone. But that's across the board, though, like any phone store people just suck at. Yeah. I feel like Apple is good. It's not a phone store. They're so...

Then what the fuck is Apple? They're plagued to Apple because they know how much they're fucking you over. They're like, hey, how's it going, sir? That's going to be $3 million. Oops, I'm sorry. Is that... Yeah, I don't make the prices. Dude.

Yeah, when I got AirPods. I got AirPods pros because I needed to hear the bass and Ben Shapiro's text. I got AirPod pros and the guy goes, like, I buy him. He's like, just so you know, like, people are tracking women with those. And I was like, okay. Like, first of all, why are you telling me like a man? Yeah. Like, if anything, you should tell women that.

Yeah. Or are you saying just heads up. It's a good way to track them. Well, I was like, okay. And he's like, yeah, people are dropping them in women's purse and they can find. know where they live with the app. Very smart move. By the way, I'm sorry, that is a very intelligent way to... But I'm like, dude, why are...

Are you just telling every guy that comes in here buying these? Like, how to do that? Wait, it was the guy that worked at the store? Yeah. That's wild. Yeah. I was like, dude, stop telling people. I would have never... Yeah, it's like, I would have never thought of that. Oh, my God. I've been using the old methods.

It's been happening, like, people are getting tracked just because of their phone, not because of their AirPods. What is that? Do you know what that is? dude i don't know because my mom tries to tell me about that all the time she's like have you try like are people tracking you through your phone i'm like what are you talking about she's like i saw it on ticot i'm like mom doesn't happen do your mom watches ticcc my mom watches q and on ticot oh that's fucking

which is like that how do they get on there that's very because it's very like i think it's very left-leaning app right yeah it's it's just whatever you you make your uh own home page oh okay i think it's also like depending on what you your demographic. Because if you're like a young person, a young white person, you're going to see like all kind of the same shit. But like she's like a middle age woman and her friends are all middle age

woman, women. And anything vaccine related. Oh, they just believe it. She doesn't have a lot of hot young guys. Her one friend. Her friend is 40 year old woman. Just some weird conspiracy theories about like, she's like,

yeah, you know the Mexicans are putting fentanyl in the vaccines. Exactly. Stuff like that. That is the funniest thing. I've said this before the pocket. It is funny how like a lot of like far conservative people, they've found a way to care about fentanyl because it's coming from Mexico.

Like they just gather like to fentanyl, we've always cared about the opiate crisis. I mean, come on. It's because you know it's coming. But also I heard a lot of it's coming from China, which is I. What's the point of that then? What do you mean? Like, all right, there's fentanyl in the vaccine. Like I'm, I got two.

No, no, no, no. Nobody actually thinks that. I was making that up. Oh, I thought that. you're trying to see how easily people buy into it yeah

yeah yeah you're like what's wrong with yeah yeah no no it is a thing

where fennol is coming from China like I genuinely think they're just trying to fuck us like they are railing yeah

we're kind of just like letting it happen yeah I was talking to you about but I do think it is funny that like white people started the opium wars

where we like pushed opium on them and now they're just doing the same thing to us just fucking us up you don't want to we don't want to go to war with China

no I don't That'd be pretty bad. So serious. You're so, you said that like... Someone has to be the voice of reason. I don't want to go to war with China. You don't want to go to war with China.

I'm not going to war with anybody. You two jenghis cons over here. No, I don't want to go to war with fucking anybody. But, yeah, it is. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like we could fuck China up, dude. But they're with Russia, China and Russia. Oh, dude.

Yeah, that's like... hoots so he can't. Yeah. That's no good. That's like, what do you think that would? Well, that's what freaks me out about that New York City bomb video. You know that video where they're like, okay, so nuclear bomb has landed on New York City. This is what you have to do next.

That's, that's, what was? Isn't like step one, too? It's like, step one, don't ask why. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not. We don't know. Also, who's going to ask you to call the cops? Hey, quit being a little pussy about it.

Just get under the table, pussy. Pussy. You lost your family, quit whining. What are you talking about? You're talking about the one from the 50s or like the new one? Dude, the new one. You haven't seen this? No, no. I've heard. I heard that there's a... It's bizarre. It came out like fucking like two weeks ago. No explanation and just got dropped on like New York City news, whatever.

And it's like literally the city is like, so a nuclear bomb has landed on New York. And this is what you have to do next. It's like, don't go outside. Is there somebody's going to be like, let me check it out out there and see what's happening. I would love nothing. more than for a nuclear bomb. I'm such a psycho.

I also told myself I was like, I could get out. I could do it. Because this is what I would do, dude. Buy a kayak. Just float. Just float out to see. And then you fucking die and you drown.

You have fucking poisoning from the fucking... Not if you float far enough, pussy. So you think you're going to be the one guy who knows and you go on a The slowest vehicle. You're going to slowly be kayaking. No, I have an inflated sense

of confidence. Yeah, I can see that. You think you're going to get a kayak and escape an atomic bomb. Because I am pretty good at kayaking. Yeah, but you're not going to get out of fucking... Ocean? No, I've never done... But I've done pretty...

Gets close. I've done pretty ripply lakes. I think I'm ready for a nuclear bomb to hit the city. There was a wind jet ski go by? Holy shit, dude. In my mind you, I was kind of the same way when heard about it, I was like, there was a part of me that was like, if nuclear bomb lands

in New York, this is, I have no reason not to move back to Florida. Like, I'm finding excuses to like, no, I hate New York City, I love Florida. I guess I'll get on a plane if I have to. Yeah, yeah, leave this city, oh no. I can't, I can't wait to not live here. Oh, this is the worst place on earth, dude. I fucking hated someone. Have you seen the new tent that guys got going outside?

Yeah, sick. It is a cool tent. You do have this street for whatever reason is like, has a lot of tents on it all the time. Dude, it's getting way worse. First and 14th, right? There, dude, it's like, I saw someone, like, when I was walking over today, there was like a stretcher and this lady just bleeding out of the mouth and they're like, you need to get on the stretcher. She's like, I don't know what you shoved in your fucking stupid mouth. I'm like, who are these people? Yeah, dude.

I never seen anyone like them anywhere. Dude, I have not seen somebody as crazy as like, like, like, it's, it's, it's. it gets to a point where it's like I don't know, there's new types of them too. Like there's like a gay man with a wooden stick that he uses as like a Dude, that's just a wizard. It's like that song

The Bob Dylan song. What? A hard rain's gonna fall. It just keeps a naming. It's a gay man with a wooden stick. Dude, there's a new thing. It's teaching the people. That homosexuality. There's a new guy. He's gay with a stick.

And it's a heart. I've seen like 12 of them And they're sick It's fucking sticks Like they know how to like swing them like They're like They train dude Yeah like literally they look like a ninja

But they're like homeless gay dudes Who have these like fucking I saw a ninja He was a gay guy with a stick We'll see who's laughing when the stick wars Come out Do you know what's song I'm talking about? No I don't

But in my mind it started I was like maybe they started they started twirling like a baton Oh, okay. That seems like a gay thing maybe, and then it led to a stick. Oh, it does seem like a gay thing. I don't know. Twerling a baton, it just sounds gay. I don't know.

It almost sounds like an offensive stereotype for gay people. I know, but name one straight man that's ever twirled a baton. JFK. I can't name a single person as ever twirling. All of them. Fuck you're talking. I'm like, oh, liberalism. He's famous baton twirler.

I also, I like that. I like that conspiracy theory. Did you guess that? Alex Jones just comes on what he's like, all men are gay. Just what, like, that's what he thinks is. Do you think,

what do you think it would take Alex Jones for people to stop believing him? For people to stop believing him? Yeah, yeah. Probably for just him to open his mouth. No, no, I mean, the people that already do believe. Like, I think he's right, you know, about certain things.

No, I think he's crossed into a threshold where now he can literally, anything he says is gospel to like something. Yeah, yeah. Because they just want it. They just like, it's like a drug, you know?

Oh, yeah. My favorite was this dude. I know this dude who like, was really, you know that crazy guy. He was on McDougal a lot. I was sort of friends with him. I was friends with him.

I like the guy a lot. Crazy guy. He wasn't a comic. You just hang around while I was barking. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'll tell you after.

But he's a little more connected in the comedy community than you think. Oh, okay. I like the guy. But anyways What's his name? I'm not going to say. I'm not going to say.

It's a fucking camera right there. And you're like, but what fucking happened was this dude's like, yeah, man, Alex Jones, he's doing his last broadcast today. And then he's never going on Info Wars again. And by the way, this was never allowed. I looked on, the next day I was just watching Info Wars. He still, he didn't leave his.

I was like, you were getting a source outside of Info Wars about Info Wars. Yeah. Like he's like, dude, 4chan says that Info Wars. That's not the real Alex Jones. I'm like, what level are you on now? that Info Wars. Dude, what if there's like a disinfra wars? It's like a competing info wars.

Dude, they should do, AOC should do a disinfo words. Oh, yeah. But just her with her tits out. Oh. I mean, I'm not saying it's a bad idea. Did she get arrested recently? Yeah, at the abortion protest. Right.

She got arrested an abortion protest? Dude, that's an Alan Fitzgerald set up if I've ever heard of it. Hey, O.C got arrested at the abortion protest. abortion protest. Yeah, you hear? Yeah. But he would be doing something not in support of it.

Somehow it would be like the most offensive thing. Yeah. He always finds a way. He finds a way. The only thing he doesn't find a way to is the vegetable aisle.

Fat guy. 100, baby. Yeah. Hey, Listen, do once we hit that note about the baby rolling around the casket, I'm like, I don't care where this. Dude, I'm just like,

we hit her quote. My brain doesn't work for the last like 10 minutes. The dumbest thing that I ever got to laugh with on stage was having, I was doing a set at the pair a long time ago, and it was like going fine. This lady got up in the middle and tripped.

And someone in the crowd went like, she fell down. And I was like, what is she, London Bridge? Biggest, great. Biggest laughing. Big of my whole set, biggest fucking pop. Because your mind just went to that like nursery rhyme, right? Yeah, but like sincerely.

Oh my God. Not like this is ironic. You do comedy on shrooms sometimes, right? Yeah, I'll do comedy on shrooms tonight. I took, I took, I took, you're on shrooms right now? You keep saying things in weird ways. Like you're like, I'll do comedy on shrooms tonight.

I'll do it like I was challenged. I just have a spot at 10. Oh, nice. Yeah. Come out. out. Dude, it is funny how like sometimes your brain just

no matter what it will go to the same exact place. Like, like, because one time like my friend was telling me about wordal, the game wordal. He's like, you ever play wordal? And I was like, it just in my head, I was like, no, dude, I don't play any game that rhymes with squirtle. Just like a stupid

fucking joke. Yeah. And then like three weeks later, he asked me the same question. And I said the same thing. And he's like, dude, you said that last time. And I didn't remember that I said it. Yeah. But it's also weird that he asked you the same question. He got a dumb ass. He's like, you play a word-all. He gets a squirrel. He goes,

I'll get him next time. Simulation. He's like, I'll ask him next time, but he'll fucking say. What even is he? I gotta blow my nose quick. Oh, God, dude. You're ruining the 100th episode, dude. Why are you wearing, like, fishermen's pants? Because he's got to cover up his weird legs.

He has to wear those for, like, the rest of his life. You know that, right? Oh, really? Shrooms are good for that. They're good for blood clots. Are they? No. It's something somebody would sell in shrooms.

Yeah, dude, somebody was trying to convince me, Dan was trying to tell me that shrooms are good for your sleep. I'm like, that's fucking nonsense. They keep you awake. Yeah, he's like later on, if you take them that morning, they're good for sleep later. I'm like. Yeah, because you have a problem.

Also, you know you can get shroom. Shroom chocolate is like bodegas now? I like that's where everything's just going. There's a smoke shop that just opened across the street for me and they do cigarettes for 10 bucks and the guy was like, we also, we have THC if you want it and I was like, oh, you know, maybe sometime. He's like, yeah, I feel like mushrooms too.

I got that behind the counter. I was like, you really don't know enough about me. Yeah, I did know that. For me to just tell me all this stuff. There's one over there that just has a sign, not even Delta A, just says we have THC. Yeah, there's nothing illegal by a sign. And then the cops go, they're like, it's Delta A. And then it is legal to sell. Wait, there's nothing

illegal about a sign? What? About a sign? Guys, I got an idea. And work. on the sign. Malcolm X Boulevard. Isn't that from a... Die Hard?

Die Hard. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's like the newer diehard. Yeah. Is it the newer one or is it one of the old hard? It's like three. Fourth or third or fourth.

That's the... Yeah, that is a ridiculous scene. This one Tarantino co-directed. There's that one scene. They had like somebody hop in on a scene. Eli was watching that movie a while ago and he was watching it like on cable. And so that scene is edited to like the sign he's wearing. he's edited to say like,

you guys are noisy or something. And it's all everyone that sees it is like, fuck you like they're screaming out of it. I know what that word. You got burned in hell. I know what that's six-letter one is. Oh, God. What do you think,

I was talking to you about that. What do you think? I'm out. We made it to 100 and that's it. That's it. Who's hair is this on the mic? I don't know. Probably me, dude.

I've had only like four women on the whole podcast, so I don't think it was theirs. Do you find, is your hair like everywhere? I got, Espy cut my hair a couple days ago. Cut it? She cut it. My hair used to be down to here. Oh shit. Until this week.

And now I have like a, like a lady's haircut. It looks, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, it looks less manly now. It looks a little goofy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it looks fine. I was joking about in this group chat the other day. I don't know why I love the idea of going to, I just have such a 15-year-old edge lord's brain, with the idea of going to a barber

and showing him a picture of Derek Chauvin he'd be like, that's the cut I want. Yeah, can you do it in eight minutes and 40s? Oh my God, Jesus Christ. He just tightens the thing around your next? Jesus Christ. That was funny. Fuck, that was fun.

Yeah, that's good, dude. That won't get me fired. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. God forbid they find out I said I didn't know the woman who died. Yeah, that is the topic barely to nobody touched. I feel like it kind of came by like three people hit the note on it and then we're like, yeah, weird. Yeah. You know, it takes like a real master.

Did you do something like that? Dude, I like a week after that happened, I hosted my open mic and I used to be like, I read the names and I would just throw Derek Chauvin in with the other group. People are like, dude, stop. By the fourth time, they're like, oh. Yeah. Yeah. He, yeah, he's not a cool guy.

Oh, no, hey, I'm not. Patty, I don't want to lose listeners, okay? Let's not, you know my favorite. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's pretty smart. There you go. That is the funniest angle that there were certain people that were like,

yeah, but George Floyd was a bad guy. I was like, you still can't murder somebody in the streets. Yeah, George Floyd yelled at a baby once in a time. Yeah, I was like, okay. Let's get to execute people as a person. police officer it's fucking insane people still deserve the right to breathe yeah yeah that's fucking wild um but that haircut will forever i don't know that's just a typical crew cut though i feel like he he didn't make that's been a bad look for all he's like that's just always been there's been zero

people with a crew cut they've just had new positive ideas yeah it's just like a box even even the other side of it like even like kim jungoon has a crew cut basically and that's yeah yeah it's just a bad haircut yeah bad people have have crew kids. Yeah, he's got a box cut. Yeah. I got to say, though, I'd love one of his outfits. Like, if I had one of those pants suits. Oh, dude, they're bad.

Leaders of North Korea wear. Dude, I heard Jason Dave was telling him about this. I saw this. He's a bunch of refrigerator magnets on yourself. That's what it looks like. Have you seen the one? That's what it looks like when he's wearing. Yeah, yeah, he looks fucking ridiculous. Dude, is a fucking octagon. Or no, right, rectangle.

Fuck. Fuck, we got to start over. Honestly, I don't know if this podcast is good at all. Dude, I loved it. I love it. But this is the most fun time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had a great time.

Yeah. Dude, yeah, that, my favorite is, uh, Jason David was talking to this video and I watched it. He has a, he made it, like, a rocket video where it's, like, playing, like, cool music, and it's, like, him putting sunglasses on it, like, watching his rockets go off. That is so awesome. Dude, he is, like, fucking awesome. Like, he's a huge, horrible person, but he's hilarious that you live in, like, the same world.

Like, dictators are, they're just, we would all. There probably isn't a single person in North Korea that feels that way. No, of course not. I mean, he's funny. They're just like, he's a nightmare. We should be able to pick out dictators by their outfits. They all wear the same shit. You notice how, like, they wear the same kind of suits.

They have this like weird. Dictators are usually wearing like a military style. Yeah, all of them. But it's like the guy with a military style things in your country is probably a piece of shit. I don't know. That's what it seems like. Yeah, that's why people are so mad. As a pro-American.

As a patriot. I think, uh, no. Because even, like, presidents that fought in the military, you don't see them, like, wearing their fucking shit. No, never. That's why people were so upset when, uh, I mean, everything Trump did made everyone upset for whatever reason. Yeah. But when he wanted to have, like, military parades. Yeah, yeah.

People were really not cool at that. Because that's, like, what it, you know, why would we do that? That's what dictators do. Yeah, but didn't he also, it's so funny that he dodged. And everybody just overlooks that, like, the, like, the, it's like, all right, I guess just be gay. If you think about his whole presidency, it's his whole thing. Yeah. He keeps getting in trouble

when he's like, all right. What are you going to do about that? I'm the fucking president. That Joe Rogan is still the funniest thing in the world where Joe Rogan's like, yeah, you know, he wanted to come on a podcast and I said no a couple times. And then Trump's like, no, that's not what happened. He wanted me to come on

and I said no. You've been like a whole thing on like, what is it, Rumble or like truth. Yeah. He doesn't like tweet on truth. He writes these like letters and then it like has like the presidential seal. That's what I wanted to say. What is that called?

Truth Social. You can't get on. I tried to get on. I was like, I was like, dude, if it's a wait list. You just can't handle the truth. Yeah, that's what it is. I wanted,

I forgot it was truth social for my, I was just gonna post podcast clubs like, hey, I'll get anybody. I was like, what is the thing I posted Instagram today? Oh yeah, that was great. Yeah, I wanted to say, truth social.

Yeah, there's like a crazy, follow, follow me on. I think it's like, I was like, all right, I'm too late. Twitter. And that's the, you know, the mainstream. I was like, let me hop on truth and throw my... We got to put our fucking whatever

body part in whatever pool was the first one. I like, what are you talking about to? You're fucking true. It's no sense. What did this whole time you've been talking nonsense? Hold on. Let me figure out what I'm trying to say. We got to jump into whatever

it is first. What? Because it'll blow up. Yeah, like TikTok. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I get early adopters today. I shook my fist at TikTok. I was like, I'm not going to do it.

I will never be on TikTok. Now I'm on TikTok's gay and retarded. Yeah. That's what I would say. Yeah. But look at me now. Gay and retarded. I'll never be on TikTok.

No, I can't do it. I'll never. One day, I hope I just can be off the internet. The only reason I have an Instagram is because that's how people book me is exclusively through Instagram. So it's like how else would I... Yeah, yeah. And it's not knowing because the more shows you post you're doing,

the more people book you on other shows. Because like, oh, that guy's still around. I guess is how it works. But I hope I get to a place one day where I can just fucking... I don't have to happen. Yeah, yeah. TikTok is my least favorite too. I'm pretty good about like, I don't really go...

My Instagram feeds just monkey videos and stuff like that and like sheep yelling. It's like very fun. But what? That's funny. Okay. Monkey videos. She's yelling, what?

That's downright hilarious. I was like, what's his angle here? Oh, man. But yeah, no, my fucking Twitter is, it's just so political and I can't get out of it. I wish I could smoke so good, too. You don't have vapid. I was telling fucking Eli yesterday. I was like when I came to your apartment in Hell's Kitchen,

That was the night you and I were like drinking and like watching ancient aliens or whatever. Oh, hell yeah. And you were letting me smoke cigarettes in your apartment. And the next morning, we were both hung over. And I like went to light a cigarette. And you're like, oh, we don't do that here. That was a different guy last day. That is so funny.

That is so not acceptable. Oh, we don't do. It was five hours ago. Like, I'm like sleeping on an ashtray. You want to stink in here. After the whole night. Yeah, it is so nice to smoke a cigarette inside. Oh, that's the best.

It is nice. Yeah, I did that in Spain. Like, I remember it was so funny. That was like a cool angle. Because, like, they, they like smoking so much. Like, it was one of those things with the dudes like, yeah, my friend will be out of town his parents at that and goes, we can smoke cigarettes inside of his house.

And that was like the big, like, selling point. I was like, fuck it. It's going to be a great weekend. We're staying at his place going to smoke some fucking cigs. Yeah. I've never been to an American. kid's house. No matter how fucked up they were. If they

were having, like, party and were doing drugs, they'd never let anyone smoke inside. Oh, no, dude. I've been to parties where people's moms are doing cocaine. I've been to a couple of those. And they're like... Completely different situation. No, no, I know, but they're like, do not smoke a cigarette inside the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wasn't just trying to brag about how cool

the mom's on. Yeah. Have you guys ever smelled cocaine? That stuff smells great. Oh, yeah. You really got in there. That's the fucking stupid. You're disappointed. You're bringing in some hacky jokes. Oh, man. Yeah, no.

The cigarette inside is a real treat. I remember I, like, started smoking a lot of spliffs when I moved to the city. And for some reason, I was like, oh, because it has a weed in it, I could smoke it inside. Oh, no. And just everything in my life smelled like cigarettes for like six months out. You can't get the smell out. No, it's terrible. The room smelled like it.

Luckily, I've moved apartments because, like, I was not doing anything to try to mitigate it at all. I used to have Oseum. I used to, my dad listens to his podcast, but I'd smoke cigarettes in his car and then just spray it with Oseum. That's Michael. Your dad listens to every episode? Every episode. Wow. Even this one?

Yeah, he'll listen to this one. There's a hundred hours of me talking on the internet. He's like, I got to connect with my son. I call him on the, it's so fucked up. He calls me all the time. busy doing shows. And so this is the only way he can connect with me.

My dad called me a while ago and he said he watched the one when we, us three did Fuck City. Oh my God. He watched the whole thing and he was like, he's like, who are you hanging around with?

Dude, that was like, I think I was in the lowest place I've ever been in my life. For that episode? I remember that. I was, I had nothing.

I was like, I wanted to fucking die in that moment. Like, I was like, you guys need to fucking. do something. That was not good at all. That's so crazy.

You were like four days off of drinking. Yeah. I was like really, really depressed at that point. Yeah. Now I'm like seven months off. Good shit, man. Yeah, yeah. It's like.

So much better. Night and day, dude. Feels so much better. Yeah, I don't. I don't know. Every time I try to clean up my life, I'm feeling worse. Like I have a horrible time of sleeping. So I like, I'll mix it up.

I'll occasionally take like NyQuil. I'll occasionally take Kalanippin, Zanax. ambient alcohol. And the last, like, week, I haven't taken any of it. I don't feel any better than I was before when I was, like, drinking to go to something. I'm like, all right.

That is a, that is a cool thing, though. What do you mean? Because, like... You just haven't figured out how to, like... I have a horrible time sleeping, too. I can't ever fall asleep. Yeah. Well, the funny is I took...

You had to, like, work on it, figure it out. No, yeah, yeah. And a lot of it's just draining your body and drinking coffee so early on the day. But the funny is, one time I was like, I'm going to try to sleep without any sleep stuff. and I ended up taking the Kalaniput,

which basically like Xanax, at like three in the morning, and I was still clearly on it the next day at work because I just showed it up in the office, and I'm just blaring juicy Jay in my headphones. And my job, I'm just stamping mail. And I'm just like, I'm geeked up off them balls. So geeked up, I'm like, yo, it's stuff.

Like, I was just like a 19-year-old, you're not like a 17-year-old like soundclout. Like I had that vibe where I'm just like, what's good? Like, I was just like so chill. Dude, I think it's a blessing because it means that you can do drugs for your entire life. Your life just won't get any better. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I don't think, I would say, like, I take Kalanipin probably three times a month to go to sleep. If I'm having worse sleep, then I'll take it. So it's like, but it's like, it's like a cycle. So it's like one night I'll take some melt toned and smoke pot to go to sleep. And then the next night I'll take over the counter like Advil PM. And then the other night out of the week, or probably two nights out of the week, I'll drink and I'll fall asleep that way. So it's like just from one thing to the other. Yeah.

It is tough. It gets exhausting. Yeah, ironically. like I'll fall asleep at fucking work and then I go home to go to bed and I can't fall asleep. Yeah. That was the first serious thing I was going to say. I know.

I heard it come out of your mouth. I was like, he's not even trying, dude. I can't. Dude, I'm trying so hard to connect with you on a human level. But you're on shrooms. My brain's just not letting it happen. Your eyes are also getting smaller when you're on shrooms.

I'm becoming more Chinese. That's a funny. He takes shrooms and the racial jokes don't go away. It is funny. I know obviously you're kidding, but it is funny because a lot of people are like, yeah, shrooms make me feel more connected and stuff. And then were you there the other day

at the pair of this comic comes up? He goes, you took some mushrooms. And like, excuse me an hour later. He's like, what's up, faggot? And I'm like, it's so funny. That's such a funny. I was like, no part of this as, like, I totally get that you're kidding around

and like you're not actually. I think that's like vindication that. calling someone a faggot is universally hilarious through the cosmos. Even in the spirit realm, it's like, yeah, it's not, it's just the correct thing to do.

No, it's funny. It's God. That's so funny. The Buddha's like, it is funny. What do you think he's laughing, dude? Someone called him a phagic. Wow.

You guys are, you guys are fantastic. I had a great time. Is this over? No, we can go along. I don't give a shit. What time is it? We started late.

Almost. You know, it's a special episode. Let's go to late 30. Hey. Let's do it. So what else? I'm already seeping into my sweat, dude. There's no sense, you know.

Yeah, yeah, you were fucking sweat. Yeah, no, this one. How many fucking people have sat on this couch? Oh, so many people sleep on there. I'll jerk off on there at night. The question is how many funny people have sat on this guy? One. I'm looking at them.

Give us numbers. I did. I think I'm for sure going to get ball cancer. So I was... From sitting on this couch? No, no. I was watching porn. I was watching porn.

That was a physical bit, dude. See, that's why you frame the camera. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that, dude. I see what you're doing. Good thing we're just over an hour for the first physical bits. Someone's like watching. They're like, oh.

I don't know what they're doing. I'm so confused. These guys. What are they doing? That is going to give you a picture. I like it. I listen to a podcast. It's being so confused by.

He's like, I can't even see them. What is it? It's just like, it's so bad. By the time we get up, it's still cutting him off in the middle of a sentence.

And he's like, what are they doing? They're just sitting there. Oh. Only took an hour of talking to himself. It's just sitting there. Oh, God. Yeah.

Oh, there was something I wanted to say. Yeah, yeah. I can't remember exactly. Oh, no, no. One of, this is a funny memory I had of, because I knew we were doing mushrooms today. So I was like, what funny things have I done on mushrooms? And this wasn't me doing mushrooms,

but I was out at this music festival one time. And there was like this one fat kid who was like in our friend group. And he was like such a good dancer. I love that. It's like a fat kid, you have, dude, if you can like really dance and be funny as a fat kid, like you'll fuck like cute. Oh for sure.

Yeah. Like almost like good like better girls than like hot guys will fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're like they understand funniness. They're like nice people, whatever. Yeah.

So he was like one of those guys like and he's not dead. He's still alive. But he's like, uh, he's just like dancing. And he kept doing the dance with the whip. You know, you know that one where you like,

you like throw the whip in and then like you like, oh yeah, yeah, like hop. So he just kept like he just kept hammering it at points in the song. And it got to the song. And it got to the song. the point where like all the people around us were like looking toward him because he would like bring it like he would bring it alone we're like oh dude he's about that he's about to fucking hit the whip and then like he would throw it in so he was just like he would put like stank on the end he was just killing it on this whip and like he ended up taking like a bunch of mushrooms and uh we just lost them like we could not find him he just like took him and just like ran away and we're like dude where did he go he's the parking lot by himself

just doing the whip. He's like, you guys like this? Dude, so like we're like looking around. We like walk out to where like the vendors are and stuff. And we just see like him just like

against like a garbage can with a blanket on. Just like crying. We're like, we're like, Tim like, are you all right? And he just goes, it does a slow whip. So fucking funny,

dude. have been horrified. He just says you guys. He's like, I gotta do the whip. Oh, man. Oh, my God. Yeah, you're going to a concert meet. You're going to ZZZ.

I heard the fuck. I was listening to, you know, knife party? No. You don't know a knife party? You'd like them. Yeah, I probably would. You know pendulum? No, dude, I don't know like anyone.

I just go and see them and then I love them. Oh, okay, yeah, because you've been sending me these people, like, I know a lot of you did. So, yeah. It was something I listened to this. set from this DJ artist and they were doing they're doing like EDC but the way that's recorded on the set list is only their audio is recording so it sounds like the saddest thing

because they're like are you guys fucking ready all right clap your hands if you want us to keep going and just nothing so it sounds like an open mic dude sounds horrible I'm like bro you gotta have the audience going like yeah it's only picking up what they're playing

so it sounded fucking awful That's so funny. Nowhere near as bad is, I think I talked about, would I talk to you of this episode? I talked about somewhere on the podcast. We did, we did an episode pretty much about concerts. Was it about, no, this is the funniest thing I heard any radio. This is the funniest thing I've ever heard. So do you know the song Hood N-W-N-W-Zo?

What is the N-W-R-O? Can you pull up, can you pull up your phone real quick? Look at Hood, N-W-N-W-R-D. Hood N-W-A-R-D. That's like M-N-N-M the way he spells his name. What if... Not like inward? That would be a funny rap name for like a white guy.

Like N-word. Like M&M, but E-N. Hood. But I actually have to type it. You're typing it. I'm not. Okay. Just so the listener knows...

But just look up instrumental. This is a giant waste of time. I don't care. It's a hundredth episode. It's not bad. What's the song like that? I mean, she says she wants a boom bun, bono. I keep the pert by the pound.

Instrumental? Yeah, just play. Just play it on the microphone. I'll tell you what happened. They have instruments? No, just kidding. He's so racist. They don't think Blackville own it.

Needlessly racist. Making up a new thing. They're allowed to have the stuff. I like that a racist guy. I just doesn't know. I got to find it on YouTube. Dude, what is, what am I doing? Forget, forget.

No, no, no, no. Look at all. I'm begging. you dude, don't be worried. I'm sweating. Okay. Also, also, I told you my YouTube is signed in. I went into Airbnb like a month ago.

In my YouTube, I forgot I was logged in. Because I'll get drunk and just log in. I'll be like, I'll put my YouTube. Why do you need to log in? Can't you just watch YouTube? Because I like, I have movies that I have on YouTube that I bought on YouTube. So literally, real quick, Pat. Okay, play the-

Real quick. So this is this story. I'll get to this. So somebody, I was in a local radio station Orlando when the Texas shooting happened. You know how radio DJs in between songs will like be like, hey, shout out, real tragedy going on here. This is really sad stuff that happened.

This guy had this instrumental playing while giving a shout out to the Texas school shooting. Wait, just play real quick. He was like, guys, I want to give a shout out to everybody that just died in that horrible shooting in Texas. Very sad stuff. We need to figure something out with his gun violence. Your shouts out ain't well. Yeah.

y'all he literally was like as a nation we need to come together and we need to figure out how to solve this gun problem once and for all and this is just play

it was like for five straight minutes because it was on the loop so it was five minutes and I'm just talking about this is like that is the kind of like I feel like I'm waiting for like a laser tag game to start

yeah the guy's like reading the rules yeah no tripping you're gonna want to trip people no no even running. No pointing the gun at people.

The first time I played laser tag, those were literally the rules. What the fuck are we doing here? It's not even a real gun. One time I was playing a laser tag with my uncle. Oh, should we got to end A-Zap. It's low battery. It will end if we don't end now. Oh, okay.

Well, you'll just have to hear. Oh, can I plug something real quick? Yes. All right. Pink Brains or pink-brains.com. It's a blog that I, There's a cool guide right before. All right, all right. Bigrades.com.

Yeah, come to my show, 6 p.m. Sunday. All right. We're doing here. Peace.