Morning Good - A Beautiful Cartoonish Gift - Episode 212

Episode Date: March 10, 2024

Paddy Defino and Alex Tomaselli join the show for today's episode. They talk about Michael's artistic peak as a child, the world's largest penis, and saying the C-word in public.Big thanks to Alex for joining the show for the first time. Check him out at the links down below for more funny stuff. Shoutout to Paddy for coming on again and check him out of course on previous episodesAlex is on Instagram @sillyselli and hosts the Yes Offense podcast. Paddy is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts News From Bed on YouTube.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, yeah. Welcome to morning. Yeah. We're here with Alex Tomaselli. Yeah. Yeah.

And Patrick Defino. Vigina. Vigina. Vigina. Vigina. Vigina. The jane. Thomas.

I don't know if we can make an episode Dumber than our last, but we came to the conclusion that I'm going to legally change my middle name to fart. Oh, really? But we're off to a good start by just starting by saying Well, you don't have a middle name. Yes.

So you're going to legally... Michael fart. Good. Farts would be the... Fart is dumber than farts. I think it should be Michael. Pussy smells good. See, farts,

the thing is farts, they would have to... Ooh, you do... You put it fuchs, but it's fucks. You know what I should do? I should commit an atrocious crime after I changed my middle name to fart. So just in the court of law, they're like, this jury accuses you of killing 45 innocent lives. Michael Farts good.

What do you have to say, Mr. Michael Fart Good? The defendant pleads. Who's your suggestion of? That freaked me out. I assume you'll commit a southern cry. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You are a Florida man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you won't, you'll be tried as a Florida man as well. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's how that works. Yeah, I think, I don't know. I also think when you go down south, like, there's, I don't know, I don't know if there's more or less laws. It's where the consent laws, those are always the states where they're the craziest. There's always just like, you can fuck a 15-year-old in this state, but then they're

also the states that are like, everybody's super into, like, taking down the pedophiles. I'm like, maybe change some legislation. You can't fuck a 15-year-old in your state. Or if you take a puff of weed, they feed you to an anaconda. They don't really fuck around with like schedule one drug. Oh, yeah. Well, that was the funny says I was like down in Florida during COVID. And it was like the George Floyd protest.

And I was with this like kind of redneck family. And they were smoking, they were smoking weed, which is completely illegal in Florida. I mean, it's decriminalized. But they're like, maybe if these black people would just follow the law, they'd stop getting in trouble. I'm like, you're literally hitting a one hitter right now. Like, what do you? Yeah. Would you buy that weed for?

Yeah. It's almost a worse crime buying and smoking weed than selling it, I think. Was it? I think because you're the one doing the, the whole thing about weed is they don't want people to do it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. We just want that, you don't want the kids to do it. That's the big thing is you don't want the kids doing weed.

But I think if anybody should be doing weed, some of fucking kids. Yeah, dude. That's the funest time to do. Actually, I don't know. I kind of, I wish I cared less. The problem is I did mushrooms and I freaked out and told them myself. And then I started smoking weed after that. And then I would get paranoid.

I only got weed without paranoia like twice in my life. And then now every single time I've smoked weed for the last 15 years, I still get like paranoid. Yeah. I smoke so much weed that if I get paranoid now, I'm like, fuck yeah. Oh, really? I'll have extreme paranoid thought and then be like, wait a minute, I'm really stoned again. And then I just go about my night. Yeah, I'm just like I know what it is.

Even when I start gripping, like there's that moment of anxiety where you're like, you're like losing track and you're like no, no, no, no. There's that little voice that's like, just hold on, this is fake. It's gonna go away. Because there's those moments with like full panic attacks where your heart's just like throbbing. You're like, just this will pass. It makes me like sympathize with Shaggy.

Oh, like he was always a little on edge. Yeah, yeah. And like not only that, like he was obviously high and on edge, but then like Scooby kept eating all of his food in front of him in like a hilarious way. I would be very upset with that like as a guy who has the monkeys.

Yeah, yeah. Just seeing my dog house like a 16 foot high sub. Yeah. And also like the scariest thing. I mean, being high and looking for ghosts is like the scariest thing. That is the scariest thing I could ever imagine. But it sounds so fucking dude.

I kind of want to get high and look for ghosts. Dude. I just looking for ghosts is scary. Yeah. You just, everything's a ghost when you're stoned. Oh yeah. And like that's the weird thing about this is so you were out of town on a bachelor party.

And I have to do like weird things. exercises where I have to give myself lots of anxiety to learn how to deal with anxiety. So you weren't here and one of our rooms is abandoned. So I just turned the lights off and put my head in a corner like the Blair Witch Project. It just sat like that for like 10 minutes. That's, God. That's psycho behavior. If somebody would walk in, I would look like a zero killer, but I'm like, no, I'm just doing

my anxiety exercises. That anxiety exercise is wild. Yeah, but it's like you have to do things that provoke. And it helped, like, after like 10 minutes. Where did you find that? Was that like online? Did you have to go to WWWW? I'm a retard.

Well, it's like what you do is, like, the things that, like, what scared me was just being alone in the house. Sometimes, you know how sometimes being alone in the apartment? Yeah. So it's like, you do the things that promote, like, because my, like, anxiety, OCD, like, fear is like, what if somebody breaks in and, like, kills me? It's like the scariest scenario, or the, because, you know, we have, like, almost people coming and, they'll randomly just scream by sometimes.

I mean, we have a pretty minimal amount here. Yeah, yeah. There's that one cracket who is, have you seen the guy yet? He's got dreads. He's, like, Hispanic guy. he's in that barbershop. I have no idea what he's doing there. There's no way he works there. No, I mean, you can't even do anything with dreads, right? You know, I don't think you go to a barber shop. No, no, no, but he's just, I always see him just like, he's on full, like, funk mode. You know what I mean?

Like, he's just so high on crack. It's always like, bount, bown, bough. Like, you know there's like a 70-song playing. And he's like, ooh, ah, just hitting different nose, too. He's like, yeah, baby. He's just hitting, like, a thing. And it's not even a fear of, like, would he get into the apartment. It's, like, a fear of, it's, like, a fear. of what he would do if he was in the apartment. Yes, yes, and your brain starts going crazy. And so in my mind, I was like, well, I'll go to, like, one of the closer rooms because I'm not going to go to your room. And I was like, that is the spookiest room.

And, like, in my mind, like, this is maybe an irrational fear, but there's always the fear that somebody's hiding inside the house. You know what I mean? You're like, what if when I was gone, they went in there. So it's like, there's a closet in there. I'm not going to check the closet. I'm just going on the other side of the room, put my head in the corner, turn the lights off and just turn my back to the closet.

Jesus Christ. Is that intense? That is intense. oddly intense. But it's better than like the, Patty, I had to do an anxiety test where I had to go to your bed

and masturbate it. Because my biggest fear is getting caught masturbating. But it wasn't like, it's crazy. It really brought, because I did a lot of drinking this weekend. So my anxiety just,

like, rose a bunch. So I was like, in order to keep drinking this week. Because I drank, I went on a date Thursday, Friday. What was his name?

What was his shoe size? I'm not sure if you've tuned in, but it's not the guy. We don't. Oh, yeah. This is not. That's not this podcast. Oh, yeah.

You're not gay. And this podcast. I mean, we have such a good thing going and you just ruin the momentum with extreme home of that. That's what you should name the podcast. I just asked a home. A good thing. How'd your date go?

What was this date with a woman and how to, did you score? We're not, we're not getting into that. No, I didn't. But if we did, I would have said yes. No, I did not. I did not. But anyway, like Friday came around. I was really hung up.

about a lot of anxiety, but I was like, I want to drink tonight. And so I was like, I'll do these extreme anxiety exercises. And I felt a lot better. That's good, dude. Yeah, and then it was really nice. You never heard of a stress ball? Yeah, it might be a little more. Yeah, there's always a guy with a stress ball that, I don't know, it's, I had stress

ball for a little bit to do chin exercises. Did I tell you about these? I don't think so. So I was trying to do, when I got out of the break, I was trying to look as sexy as I could, but I was trying to get fucking bulk. so I'm like, all right, I want to be bulky, but I want to have a good chin. So I was looking for like stress balls because there's an exercise where you just do this and then you just get like a sick jaw lie.

But then somebody came up to beat with her like, it's actually bullshit. I already looked into it. And I was like, I'm glad that other people are as worried about their jaws as I am. Yeah, I like putting a stress ball right in my mouth. Yeah, yeah. Squeeze it tight put in your mouth and it blows up. You're like, hoot. Dude, I like biting shit.

Yes, dude. Poly pocket clothes. Have you ever? wait a second I actually have because my sister had one dude they're like rubbery a little pair of jeans

rubber jeans do you put you put a poly pocket pair of jeans on your finger and then you chew against all of this yeah yeah dude I I hated those chicks

in high school that would chew their like hoodie um string oh yeah I would yeah I would basically you wish you were the string

you're the string yeah yeah yeah I mean me too but I was also like dude she's yeah I chew I still to this day plastic bottle cap

I just chew them. No. Yeah. Disgusting, dude. You have like a thousand habits. I just haven't braked. I click my lips. I click my jaws.

I click my fingers. But I do the, I tense my jaw when I'm laying in and like a bed sometimes. Getting sucked off by a guy. Damn, God be back. The Bible's going to be mad at me. Nobody tell the Bible. Dude, that would be a fun.

That would be a fun, what's it called? Prank show is going to the Catholic. boost and just like you just say the most crazy shit. Like just tell them, just be like, yeah, no, I had sex with 19 goats this weekend. Yeah. Or just like, well, yes, like that, but they would know you're doing a bit.

You'd have to like really sell them on the like your sins. Yeah, and then try to convince him that fucking goats is good. Like I actually read verse 45 of Leviticus. If you look really, really closely, it says goat fucking. If you look really, really closely, it looks like a goat. Like, I don't want to fuck.

Or you just like say all that shit and then at the end, you're like, by the way, my name is blah, blah, blah. You just, like, put your friend's name in there. Yeah, yeah. Well, what is it like, it's so weird because your therapist has to legally tell people if you committed a crime. Yeah. Or if you're putting somebody in danger. I don't know if you... No, not a crime if you're putting

someone in danger. Okay, so, but I wonder where the line is... Or yourself. I don't know if it's about to commit a crime or you committed a crime in the past. Not in the past. I used to tell my therapist all about my weed... I mean, I got arrested, but I used to tell them about my crimes. Okay, well, I was fine. Okay, but I, that's

different than you... I thought you're... just open up about you, rape somebody. Oh, no. Oh, no. Just so casual. That'd be so funny.

We don't know the guy. He's like, just that one thing never clicked with him. He's like, wait, that's wrong? But, um, no, it's like, uh, like, I think a lot of it is if you're about to commit a crime, but I think some of it, like, I don't know if, like, I haven't watched

enough of the Sopranos to know, because does he say he's killed people? And she's like... No, he alludes a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she knows what he's talking about, but he's... It's a fucking...

business. Let's just say the Gabagool didn't make it to the sink. It went right to crash. Let's just say I touched the guy with the sharp object and the marinara sauce came out of his neck. I went extra dally. That was interesting. Tony Soprano got

toothpaste in his mouth that day. Got a little to the Caitlin Jenner. I can only do like angry Tony Sopranos. Please do it. Be angry about me going on a date with a man. You want to fuck.

What do you have some fucking man? What do you have some kind of fagulio? What you do on your own time? What you do on your own time? They say about Funuk. Faggajou, they do. Every slur in Italian is just a different type of pasta. Yeah.

Jesus fucking Christ, Michael. Yeah, what's next? You're slurping fettuccini on underneath the brain? She was fucking telling me you were taking another guy. Wait, I, I lost. I'm really bad at this. I had. I had it for a second.

This is really frustrated. If he was going to do this, you should have done it on his own. You're telling me. In private. You took a guy's fucking Alfredo sauce and you slurped it down. Tone.

He's turned it into Al Pacino. Yeah, I could just see like Christopher being like, Tone, he's fucking gay. God damn. Sorry, that's how I hold the mic on stage. You're good. If you're going to marry a man, who's going to cook the sauce at the end of the day?

That's like, that's like, do you want the moon, Alice or whatever? It's a wonderful life. I haven't watched The Sopranos in a while Yeah, I've always seen a couple of hours My ex used to watch it I'd just tune in and be like, this is fucking awesome But it's the best

I can't watch TV shows Because I go to sleep at night and uh Oh, you go to sleep at night? You're the guy You're the minority of people Who are to sleep at night? You're just like, fuck me, yeah My podcast

Give you a great platform Probably going to inspire Thousands But yeah, that's fine, sorry No, no, no Don't don't apologize. I'm going to try to work an erection throughout this entire podcast. Do you could just be beating up under there?

Honestly, I will say this. If a guest manages to jerk off on my podcast, I won't even. If you manage without me knowing. Without you. Like, you know, when you scroll over a video and it shows like stills from the video, I want to be like, boom, bump, boom. That'd be cool having a penis that big, wouldn't it? You know, the guy who does, he's his life.

He apparently... One thing. Push. Push. All right, we're good. The man... It's just pairing away. I literally... I'm literally... I'm like, wait a second.

Is everything? Right there. I felt like I was getting something forced into my mouth. Well, that's what you sign up for when you do this fucking podcast. So anyways... The man... With a big penis. A guy in, like, South America.

He has the biggest penis ever. John something. John something. Yeah. His penis is so big you forget his last name. You know, I'm going to guess it's Juan something. Yeah, yeah. He, apparently they did x-rays on him and everything, and they're like, oh, your penis.

X, X, X, X, right. Yeah. Your penis is actually like 9 to 10 inches, but with all the callus and everything is why it's so big. So we could remove the callus for you and you'd have a more comfortable life. And he literally was like, nah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm this.

And he can't fuck. anything. He's just wears it as like a badgerna. He's a novelty. Yeah. He has to like wrap it up. Too big to fuck. That's like someone's so cool. Yeah, it's like snake in a toilet. It's bad. The way that, because they don't

show it in the clips I saw, they just showed him like wrapping it and you're like, that's insane. Yeah, he has to mummify his penis. He does. Awesome. Just to go around. I don't, I don't, I really decided there, but he's like, you don't want boobs that too big, you want a penis. I was like, no,

that is a beautiful, cartoonish gift I want a Halloween themed penis Yeah Yeah I want to be hanging him hanging

In an haunted house From his dick Swiveling around Oh god dude Like a fucking X-Men villain He just like comes down He's like He's like hello

You're like oh my god I also like the idea of his dick It's like wrapped like a mummy But he also like has it in like a sarcophagus So like he like opens it up When women come over He's like are you ready for this There's like a little glow to it

He's got a little jewel right on the hole or a coin it's like yeah it's like a guy who shows off his pediguana he's like check it out and they're just like he's got a special lighting he's a little heat lift there's a little archaeologist he goes

a little bit he goes be safe you can't touch it yet yeah you can't touch it yet he might shed don't touch it it may grow is it 32 degrees it needs to be exactly 32 degrees in this room yeah I like that a biodome

I always like when people have these theories about stuff like that. They're like, yeah, the Constitution it's done in this glass thing. If you would open the glass, it's airtight, it would just blow up. All these things are like, we just turn to dust. It's like, would it? I feel like the real reason they don't like want to open up the Constitution is because it says things like about white people. It's like, don't let white

people get out of control. You can't go near it. It'll explode. Yeah, it's really dangerous. It'll catch on fire for some reason. I think it's like a it's in a glass container and you can flip the pages with like a device

almost like you ever been to a fucking jukebox machine like Johnny Rockets it's kind of like that so you're like oh that's interesting okay yeah yeah oh that's cool yeah so it's

I thought it was like one big document I this could have been the Constitution this could be the Declaration this is like it's all it's all bullshit I just like saying that because I know my dad listens

this podcast and he's gonna get really mad you know you see National Treasure oh yeah I left that movie as a kid with my parents they're like, do you like it? Can you put your stomach

is just, you're... How is the most exposed, dude? Dude, dude! You focus on yourself, Mike. I went to whole podcast. I'm not even going to read the comments on your podcast. National treasure. Natural treasure left it with my parents.

They were like, do you like the movie? I did not because the bad guy didn't die. Oh, yeah, yeah. Who was the bad guy? Sean Bean. Okay, it wasn't Angelina Jolie Dad was his dad in the movie? Who? What's his name?

John... Angelina Jolet. Don Voight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, I believe he was. Yeah. He is his, that is her dad. Yeah.

I love it. I love every time now I see like a brick wall with like a loose brick in it, I always think of Nash. I'm like, behind this, it's going to be a pair of panties. They're from a hooker with Benjamin Franklin. You know they found like skeletal remains in his basement or whatever? Unidentified. Yeah, bro.

He's a motherfucking body. Yeah. He's a motherfiguan. No, no, no. Ben Franklin. But they will with him. Yeah, they definitely will with him. He's an octopus.

us. His last name is Cage. I'm a hundred percent certain Ben Franklin just some mouthy hooker. He just beat the shit out of her and was like, well, uh,

which is part of the Constitution. Yeah. Saving the country. Hold this kite in the thunderstorm. I'll be right back. He just takes. Where are these bifocals and ride a bicycle? It's just blacked out.

I can't see anything. Go down the hill, bitch. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. I think he was like, That's why I've said this before, but I fucking love that, like, you look at the age differences. And, like, we've looked this up.

Like, they were all just really fucked up. And that's why they had, like, any momentum to, like, make shit happen. And he was just the drunk old guy hanging out with, like, the younger dudes. Like, he was, like, way older than all the founding fathers. So he was just, like, that guy who, like, still wanted to hang. He's, like, that guy at the bar. Yeah. It's with the younger crowd, but he's, like, too old to still be going out.

Yeah. And he, like, he would, like, get fucked up at bars. And they'd have to pay people. to like, they had hire people to go in with bars to him because he kept getting fucked up and talking about how they're going to get independence. Like he'd be at the bar and he'd be like, all right, I shouldn't be saying this guys. We're gonna succeed from fucking Britain. And then they're like, oh, we got drag him out. Imagine we're going to drive him. He's like, we're doing it. He's that guy. Yeah. Like, no, no, he's, have a good one, Ben. He's like, we're dead. Yeah. And you're going to go. You're not, you're fucking dead. They're going to throw you in tar and feathered you. It would be so funny if he knew everything that was happening, but no one believed them. He was like, there's going to be a mountain with our faces on it. They're going to find hookers in my basement and no one's going to notice because women have no rights still now.

We're going to be delivering meat on bicycles to people. This is called blue shoes. They're going to get your dick hard. And I don't really need that because I have every, I think they're called something. I don't know. It was a kite, your dick hurts. That's what he would do. He would put a kite.

He had a butt plug attached to a kite, and when it would electrocute it, it would just get his dick hard. Yeah, and he would wear a wig. I wonder which way he blew with the wind, if you know what I'm kidding to say. I think he's a bisexual? I think, frankly, I think he's just gay. He's like, put me on the $100, man. He was known for just fucking... I like that we're not even letting him lift his shit out.

We're like, absolutely not. He was a pussy hound. I just slipped up there. Yeah, well, the tights, I mean, all of them were dressed very gay with their tides. It is very funny to be like, I should pull my stockings down when I fuck this bitch. You'd think back then they would have dressed to like more convenient for how shitty things were. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah.

Just like potato sacks with our holes. It'd be shorts all the time if I lived in the South. Everyone back then was like, oh, we have tights and then we have pants. No air conditioning, dude. People were just sweating like. It doesn't make sense. time, yeah, yeah. That's still instilled in us to this day.

Like, do you guys wear shorts in the summer? You know what it is really weird? I typically don't. See, he's weird. He won't, he won't let, you won't let it. But that's just because I have, like, I have to wear stockings. I don't want to wear shorts and stocking. How did you feel when I was calling stockings gay earlier?

Um, I tuned out. Franklinie. I tuned out. Yeah. No, stockings are pretty gay. Not going to lie. Yeah, I had to wear them once for a play and, yeah, did not like it. Yeah, the stockings were the gay part of that sentence.

Who's Robin Hood? Yeah, even better. Which, oh, that's fun. Who were you? The Sheriff of Nottingham. Oh, nice. I like, I like, I'm so bad at acting, but, like, we'd have to take, like, theater classes, like, kids. And sometimes you just hit a part, and you just picture a whole career.

Just because I nail, like, I nailed, like, three lines as a male man and, like, a school play. And I'm like, okay. We all know if I put my mind to this. I could be Robert De Niro. I was posed ad in Kung Fu Panda Live action. I think I got a future Well, I was talking to this I was talking to somebody about this

And it was like It's so funny when you're like a kid Like you think everything you make Like artistically you think is like genius Like I remember we're in Europe And you know those cheese wheels I made a bunch of action figures out of those I did like all the Batman characters

I had like a Robin one Because it's like wax So you could form the wax In a little different things I made all these wax like little action figures And I put them by the way And my mom was like wow We could probably like enter these

In like a museum or something like that And I was just like, fuck yes. I was picturing my life with like an airplane, like all this shit. And then because we left- A giant top hat made out of Swiss cheese. And then I fucking do it. I like, I put him on the windowsill and the sun made them like melt completely. And I was just like, no!

In my, I guess you hear my dad talking to my mom. He's like, why did you tell him he would enter a museum? Now he's going to be super depressed about this. But that's like when you're a kid, it's weird. the value, like, parents were trying to do good things, but, like, my parents always tell me that my action figures, like, they don't want me breaking my toys. So, like, your toys have, like, feelings. And then your toy gets, like, run over by a car, and you're like,

no! And then your grandma dies. You're like, well, I mean, I've seen Batman die. All my daddy parents have been ripped apart. Like, this is, like, not even saying. Oh, what did we leave Grandma out in the sun to? It's a weird, like, concept of, uh... I don't want to make you sad, but I think making Batman characters

out of cheese may have been the peak of your life well it was the wax it was the wax but I don't know if creatively you've hit that stride I don't think so either you know that's an incredible feat it was really

ingenuative dude I had like I did like all of them I was going like in depth I'm like doing like the ventriloquist they're like that's scarface that guy yeah yeah the guy with yeah

you know what's up that was the nerdy shit You know your Batman character's dog. Yeah, dude, I had like man bat. He was like the guy who's like half man half man. It's just Batman backwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's always one of those. We're sure there's like a man spider somewhere. There is. Oh, right. There's a Spider-Man who's got six arms and he's hairy. Oh, yeah. He looks like a tarantula. He was like, no, I'm not Spider-Man.

I'm a man spider. Yeah, yeah. Are you a Batman Beyond guy? Yeah, I like it. I don't know. know, I try to watch it. It's very funny. I'm still on my girlfriend's like HBO Max. What is that like plant-based Batman? No. Vegan Batman. I'm still, I still, my girlfriend's like HBO Max. And she has like one for her and like one for her brother.

And I always go on her brothers because I'm like, dude, if she just like knows I'm watching like Batman and like I know, I know it's like, I was like this is just a bad look for me. I don't know. It's like I don't want, you know, I don't know. You want to look cool. Batman rules. You don't want, I don't know. He does, but she's like going to be like, oh yeah. She's fucking. he's nine seasons deep into Batman Beyond. She's like, good thing I left that fucking guy. I've realized no matter how much a girl tells you she loves you, if she's like is having a bad day and you're watching cartoons, she will shit on you for that. Oh, for sure.

Yeah, yeah. That an ex who, like, was so cool with me watching cartoons. I remember any time she had a bad day. And I was, though, she'd be like, oh, you're watching a kid show again? That's cool. And you argue with you, you're like, no, it's actually, it deals with adult-like themes. My whole thing would be like, it actually holds up pretty well. people die. So I don't

really give a shit what you have to say when you watch that show about the teacher who rapes kids. That was a legit argument. Oh yeah. Well, they love watching the serious things. Then I'm like, yeah, there's a dichotomy behind balancing a personal life and also being a spider and being a student at the

high school. And I'm like, this is real. Yeah, be like, you try watching the Solomon Grundy episode of Justice League and not getting a little choked up when he dies, the one when he dies. Yeah. Pat, Patty's so out. Oh, sorry, Patty. Sorry.

No, I do, I feel for you guys in this regard, when I was watching the Mario movie, I wanted, like... I still haven't watched all of it. I wanted people to watch it. I was like, hey, do you want to see the Mario movie? And so many people were like, I don't really like cartoons. Dude, my... I had, yes. It's not a cartoon.

It's an art piece. It's a live action depiction of a cartoon. These are real Italian live. It's also the thing of, like, fuck. I dated a different girl who also, she really... hated all cartoons. But I hated him. She says, and she's like, that's, I'm an adult, I don't watch cartoons. Like, how does that

happen? Were you, like, raped by a cartoon? I asked her. I was like, what the fuck's wrong with you? Like, you don't, even, you, nothing you grew up with, you've ever been, like, oh, they're making a new thing of that. I might check it out if I, like, if it looks good. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, that's like, Spiderverse. Like, I was like, I'm going

to see that. That shit looks sick, and it was. The first one was way better than the second one. Especially we guys had, banana, nah, nah, nah, nah. That post Maloneone's song. Oh, yeah. Oh, is that in Spider-R-R-R-R-A?

That song just like, yeah, that's a great one. I'm like getting teard. There's one post-Malone line I always think of, and he's just like, God damn they're right behind me. Oh, I'm paranoid. I don't know.

But it's just that one like, God damn the rep behind me. I was not saying, he has a, yeah. What's you say? Sometimes we like I got no friends. Yeah. Can't trust a soul like I'm snowed. Snowden.

That's so good. You suck, dude. No, he rules. Do you think he randomly looks at the mirror, like all the tattoos on his face? He's like, does anybody, like, that's got to be a thing when you look at you have cornrows and a grill and, like, tattoos in your face and you're like, who would want to be friends with? Like, this guy has, you don't think maybe randomly? Yeah.

No, definitely. Yeah, yeah. There's got to be moments of clarity. If you're 100% every day being like, these face tattoos are sick, like, I think tattoo people lie a lot. They're always just like, I don't get any of my tattoos. I'm like, yeah, because you sound stupid. If you're like, this was stupid.

I got a fucking, what is this? A two can? my arm? What the fuck is that? It would especially be stupid if one day all of a sudden he gets like a burst of energy and he looks in the mirror and it says always tired on his face. Fuck!

No, I agree. Like, if it... I actually prefer the people though who are like, yeah, this was when I was like 13. Doesn't really mean shit to me anymore and it's like, yeah, I get it. But I'm also, I'm like deeply terrified of commitment. It's like a tattoo is like that's such a scary, like the idea that I can't ever get it

off. Every girl I've dated who has tattoos, I've like come or done something weird to their tattoos. So they mean nothing. Rick, you've come on their tattoos. Yeah. It's just a picture of their fucking grandmother. It's their dad. It's like shit on their back sometimes too.

I had a girl who had... It says don't come on this. You shit on their back? No, no. And they have, like, I'm saying... I'll say this. I think that's something that hasn't been done. People shoot each other's mouths. They shoot on dicks. They shouldn't pussy. They have to share each other's backs out there. Just a tattoo that says the dump zone.

Oh, you mean for a tattoo for it? No, no. I just don't think people are shooting on backs. I bet you there's someone out there who likes the feeling of it just dripping down. Probably, but you also want the, like, the glory of watching it happen. Yeah, but that's what the mirror on the, dude, people are... Yeah, that's where you get those cool glasses where you can see behind you with, like, mirrors, and you're like, yeah.

This guy's shitting on my back. So glad I got these glasses. Jesus. I don't know, the idea of somebody trying to be. all sexual shitting and then walking away and slipping on the shit is so funny. They got like a, they got like either like a tarp or like a like like newspaper down. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, they don't talk about, they don't talk about the moment after you do that where you have to get the doggy bag and just like pick it up and off the back and like, yeah. That's what you, I don't know what you guys do after you come on somebody. I shit right on their back. Right after I come on somebody like there's a moment of like cool and then it's like, all right, hold on. I'll get you, you know, something to wipe yourself off with. Yeah. Because you're disgusting right now.

Yeah. I'm not touching you. You pig. I go like this. I'll get you something to wipe off and I leave the room and then I come back in with nothing and I just lick it off of them. And then I go, let me give something to wipe that off. And then I get a towel. Oh, gross.

I like over visualized that. Because I was just thinking about this. It's got to be so funny when you're, because you're, because you're, you're, you're, you're shitting on somebody. Because, like, I wonder if, like, it comes out a different form. Because you don't know what your shit's going to try. You don't know if it was going to be diarrhea. There's got to be a time where you're like, oh, logs.

Ew. That's not what I wanted. I wanted pebbles. Like, you have no idea until you do it. Dude, yeah, that's so vanilla. If you're... Oh, yeah, you're basic. Yeah, I knew sorority girl.

What shit fucking pebbles instead of logs? Or, yeah, it's like, I told you to not eat McDonald's because I can tell. Is that shamrock shake? I smell. You can tell how spray your shit gets after you eat McDonald's, you nest, you bitch. I was just picturing family members of my listeners in this podcast. I was throwing up in their car. This has also been a topic on my podcast last week.

Joe Gorman was on my podcast and he kept being like, would you let someone shit on you? And I was like, no. But then he got to like Sidney Sweeney. And I was like, well, if it's, you know, if that's like her thing. But what if he's always a scenario. Yeah, of course. is it depends. Is she going, I can shit on you and then you can fuck me?

Or is she going, I just really want to shit on a guy? She's like, no, no, that was good. She's really nice about it. She's like, I mean, it would just be one. And she's like really convincing and like, both those I could do. Unless you shit on me. Then I'm like, that's a little, you know, I have a little bit of pride. Very small bit.

So the first two with Sydney Swaney, it's like, I couldn't even, like, I wouldn't even care. I think. Like, I wouldn't, first of all, I wouldn't tell people. But even if people found out, I'd be like. But what if her Achilles heel is she takes like dinosaur-sized dumps? There's like twigs in it. There's a footprint in it for some reason. Or it's like you ever seen Nightmare in Elm Street when Johnny Depp gets sucked into the bed?

It's like that spray. Oh, yeah. It's like a neck cut. Yeah. No, but to be honest, I would let her have an abortion on my bed. Yeah, dude, I wouldn't care. Like, I could do it. I've seen so.

She's been like in the news a lot late. and every time I see her. But I like it. I like hers. I'm not. Taylor Swift, I was like, get it out of here,

I want to see your, your bony ass. But Sidney's, but Sidney's, it's like, yeah, dude, she's got it.

I'm a fan. Somebody brought it, so I think Nick Mollins said it. She has that kind of, like, dumb look in her face. It's kind of hot. You know what I mean?

It's that kind of like, and I describe the face shape. I love him. Yeah, she's also got that dumb look in her big tits. I like that. I like that.

fan. But I don't know, like, if I were in a bedroom with Sidney Sweeney, like, only terrible things could happen to her that, like, I wouldn't do anything out of my realm of, you know, comfort. See, everybody, everybody thinks there's this thing where it's like, and this is maybe just my personal cocky does this. I'm pretty insane. Like, there are moments of my life that I'm like, I mean, Swinney at a bar, I'm pretty fucking charming. Like, which is just completely like. That's just standing in a dark room facing the corner. Just completely insane thoughts. But in my mind, I'm like, I feel like the best

sex guy might not be like a celebrity. Like there might be celebrities that are just bad at sex and they're like still celebrities and they just like might not, you know what I mean? I think like experience is helpful, but I don't think it's always just like, because everybody seems to like a different thing. And Cindy Sweeney, like some people have fetishes for banging dudes that like aren't

you see a lot of hot chicks, the ugly guys and are like, no, he's just like, I'm into that. Yeah, the only thing is like, even if Sidney's fetish was like me, exactly. Yeah. There's probably 6,000 guys who would

make the effort to get in her like periphery before I do yeah so it's like even if that's exactly what she wants

like the odds that it's me are very low yeah well I bet you there are a lot of celebrities that do want like women for the most

are attracted to powerful men but I think there is like people aren't everything people I always say people fuck goats people fuck all guys you love the goats today

it's just it's just the truth that people are fucking wild. So it's like there's every different type of person out there. Once again, don't fuck goats.

I don't think you should do that. I've heard they have a good pussy though. Who says this? The goats? Yeah. It promise it won't hurt. Okay, if it's talking,

it's good saying anything. But it's like I feel like there has to be a thing where like somebody like Sidney she probably like wants, not her, but there's probably celebrities that are really hot and want to fuck regular guys but their PR agents.

It's like you got to. fucking date Travis Keltz. Like, you gotta date this. Yeah. Like, I guarantee you there's like a, like, a hardworking man. I bet you Taylor Swift, like, I get that she's into Travis Kalsi, but I bet you she would get off to like, just some dad in Ohio. Oh, yeah. Works in like an auto shop. Who has no idea who she is? Yeah, he's like, and he's like, I don't even give a fuck. What, what? Yeah. Music sucks. Her music sucks. Yeah. Yeah, it's terrible. Well, I don't think so, but I'm saying the auto, like, some guy like that, he's like, you make music that my daughter's like, and she's like weirdly attracted to that now.

There's all kinds of things that people like. Yeah, there's a lot of shit that could happen. I say shoot your shot either way, dude. I don't even mean like gold tour would be like... I'm going to DM Sydney Sweeney. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take, if the, if the stars align, do it, dude. Yeah. I've gotten with chicks

I've, I'm like shocked. I've been like, oh, wow, that was, I didn't think that girl would ever talk about it. Yeah. You know who I think is hotter than Sidney Sweeney is fat Selena Gomez. Really? Yeah, dude. You think so? Yeah, I want to get up at her dog pound. Slap those. I have got.

kind of had a weird urge to want a fat. I think I've told you this, I'm like, I kind of want a fat girl to be mean to me. I don't know why I'm just feeling that recently. They're out there, dude. Yeah, just like a mean, kind of like... Well, just cut in line of anyone at a pop-on-ins. And you will have that fantasy.

But just like, you know, you know, like the cookie monster wearing, like, kind of like white girl who's like, like, where, like the kind of greasyish hair? Yeah, Doritos. Yeah, yeah. Way overly confident. Yeah, long nails. She's like, what the fuck?

You think you can fucking play me? Yeah. She had a bloodline. She banged one black guy once. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we have sex and she's like, man. Shit, you're not even blow my back out. And you're like, yo, we don't say that in our culture.

Yeah, yeah. She's like, for real, that's how you gonna fuck me? Oh, my God, you got nothing, boy. I wanted to make it. At least you eat pussy. Somebody who sounded like, oh, yeah, that's, yeah, her being like at least cheap. I wanted her to sound like a white woman sounding like a, because there is a diff, you know what I mean?

There's a slag. Yeah. If you're a white woman that you get fat enough, you do talk. like a black person for some reason. I don't know where the correlation is there. Because you start paying black,

dude. I guess. Yeah. You adapt the personality. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen that trend of like, there's these like hot, fat white chicks that are like,

black man, we fucking love you. We love you. It's like, we'll protect you at all costs. We ain't never going to fuck a white boy again. And like, you'd expect people to, like,

comment, like, this girl's fucking crazy. And every comment's black dude's like hearty. Yeah. Yo, answer my DM, bitch. Yeah, yeah. It's hilarious, dude.

Hey, anything to keep them away from the skinny white wear. What is funny, like, it just feels so nice when somebody's sticking up for you. Like, it's like, there was some girl posted some, uh, I want to, you were going to say something first. I completely, I'm, I have no memory of what that's all. I am so sorry. I don't, it wasn't good, whatever it was. I know, I'm just so self-absorbed.

I do. I don't know. Okay. It wasn't important. Some girls share, like, some girls, like, hot chicks in my high school, I'm sharing, like, suicide. Like, watch out for your male friends. It's like, they're more likely to commit suicide.

I was like, yeah, we are. I was like, we're so delicate. Please, please watch over me. I know a few. My feelings get hot. It feels nice to kind of be coddled a little bit. There's a few girl comedians, if you hang out, the cool ones, you hang out with them enough. They're like, yeah, dude, like, I get why you guys fucking hate women.

You're the best. Shout out, I don't want to throw them under the bus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, because the other women will come after them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They know who you are. Yeah, that's a thing. men hate women, I think women hate women.

I used to do a bit about it, and I'm going to start doing it eventually again. Some men do hate women, for sure. Dude, of course. That goes without saying, like, we can kill them, and we do. Um, no, but um, women hate, you guys just let it, sit and that. I'm okay with it.

I'm okay with it. I don't mind sit in a, I'm just busted. I don't mind sitting at a I'm just busted. You're not. Um, no, dude. Women, women do this facade of being like, oh, Yeah, we root for each other, but it's like, have you ever hung out with a girl not with any other women? And if you are like, hey, check out that chick.

She's cute. They'll be like, eh, her hair's this, her shoes are this, her top isn't this. They talk about things you don't even notice and you're, and don't matter to you. Like, it's supposed to deter you from wanting to fuck. And you're just like, why do you? They all do that. I'm sorry, you all, every time you see like a really hot girl and you tell other girls, they're like, that's, that's, that's the one.

Don't you. Yeah, that, yeah. She looks awesome. Her tits are huge. Sidney's hot. I don't even know. Girls like Sydney Sweeney, though. They like...

No, they don't, dude. I know, I believe... They know why they know exactly why we like her. I mean, she is beautiful, but there's, you know... Yeah, beautiful. It's got some cans, dude. She's got the tits of a generation, dude. Yeah, she does.

There was like Pam Anderson, Kate Upton, and then it's this chick. you think about it. Yeah, but the thing too is like, I think she's got big naturals. Yeah. I think Pam Anderson has like just balloon tits, which at the time was like... But that's what I mean. That's just what it was. Yeah, the time. You're right. And now those are out there. And then it was... And it was... And it was... I will say this. The, the Pam Anderson thing was really funny. Because she, like, went on this, like, huge thing recently. She's like, everybody thinks I'm just like a dumb slut. And I'm like... Yeah, it's like, do you want us to think you're a scientist? Yeah. And I don't know. Maybe it is sexy.

But I also don't look at the rock and I go, I bet you the rock is a genius. It's attractive people, you don't. His name is The Rock. We do need sluts still, though. We need them. I have said this multiple. It's not an insult.

I feel passionately that they're incredible people. I don't look down on like, first off, sluts and porn stars. Well, you do look down on them when they're suckers. But it's like, have you ever seen a porn star in real life? It's fucking the most crazy thing.

You're literally like, what the fuck? You're like, that's crazy. You're like that person looks like they're like a, it's like when you see like a famous comedian for the first time. You're like, oh my God. It's fucking wild. Yeah. No, you're, you know. You got to see them live.

Yeah. And you're less hard with the comedian. Yeah. You once again, I think I bulldozed you. Oh, no. I didn't have anything. Oh, okay. I must.

I think I look like I have something to say a lot. It's just because those shades too. I'm like thinking about like work, which is gay. Oh, are you working right now? I'm technically, well, I technically clocked out. But I have like a lot to do this week. Yeah, yeah. It's no fun.

I went on a bachelor party this weekend. I got fucked. Dirty Myrtle baby. Oh, Myrtle Beach. Yeah. Oh, that's hell yeah. That's real bachelor party shit. Did you drink?

I took a sip of, uh, yeah. My buddy bought a bottle of tequila from the year 1592 or something. Yeah. Maybe that was the brand. Yeah. But either way, it was a $150. bottle of tequila and he's like you should try so i took like a sip and dude it was like giving jim lehy a little sip of the liquor yeah you got i was like randy fire up the grill

we're having cheeseburgers today did you end up drinking no no that makes you feel good i was a little nervous for you i mean it's weird that i'm nervous for you because i have no idea what you're drinking habits are because i barely knew you drinking yeah yeah but it's like when somebody like i i you're like oh what could happen i know dude but what i did it ended up doing was about 60 poppers. Oh, nice. So, that was fun. I've also heard you weren't that bad of a drunk.

I was a great drunk. I was about not a drunk either. I just heard you, it's not bad that you quit drinking. I don't drink often. I just heard you weren't that bad. Yeah, I was... I was just, like, one of those drunks that... I support you either way. I just want you. I appreciate it. I don't drink often, so...

I was just, I would never appear drunk. Like, I was always cool with... I was always, like, a good time. It was just like, I wanted to kill myself. Oh, yeah. And that's like... Don't do it, dude. Yeah.

Dude, you'll know I'm drunk if you see me and I do not want to kill myself. And I'm like, I'll be like, Mike, you're like... I'm just like, I'm like, I'm so much louder than I am regular, so... You'll hear me. You'll know I'm drunk if there's a diarrhea in my pants and pop out of my shirt. That's how it's a sure side of you start. And a fat girl on my penis. Hell yeah, dude.

All three. But my first... You watched me a kick a dog in the face. That's how you know. I used to get drunk with these chicks I worked with who were just my friends. And I would just berate them drunk at the bar. And it would make so many gay guys try to buy me drinks because they thought I was gay. Because I would be chilling with like three hot chicks and being like, you stupid bitch, get me another trick.

Yeah, that's literally how gay guy. They're like, you fucking whore. And that's a guy, where's my fuzzy navel? In my regular voice, I'd be like, but I'm slurring. So I'm like, you fucking stupid bitch. Get me a drink. And then some guy would come up and be like, hello. And I'd be like, I'm not gay, dude.

I don't know. I've never called a woman a bitch. I've like, if a woman's been like, sorry I'm being a bitch, I've been like, it's fine. That's as much as, that's like, I don't do it any. I do it to these girls as a bit. It was more of a bitch. I wouldn't do it sincerely. Like, unless it's a fight.

women, me too. Me too. Oh, me too. I don't do it anymore. To their faces. I will never stop. Because the thing is we don't really, we haven't found genderless.

I'll call guys cunts. No, you gotta call women. Like a ponytail. You gotta call women like assholes or say you're being a piece of shit right now to their, if you're like arguing in a public setting and you don't want to get them. But it feels so good when you call somebody a cunt

because they're like, you can't do that. I go, yes, I can. Yes, you feel's great. In the eye of everyone around you, you've built, because of how you can't, use gendered language when insulting women for some reason now. It's like you'll lose the public's

thing. See, and I used to be kind of weird like this. I think before I was in a relationship, I was very like, I was trying to be less sexist, but I was kind of being more sexist. Like I was like, men are disrespecting women and all this kind of stuff. And then I hung out with my ex's friends. They're like, we're going to get some fucking dick tonight

guns. And I'm like, okay. These are mature enough people to like, if I to treat them differently, then I would treat a man is kind of weird. It's like, in certain Anyways, yes. It's like I'm not going to punch women in the face. It's like, it's like there are certain things that differently. But as far as like general insults, I feel like insults are pretty easy. Like I'm like, you can take me being mean to you because you're an adult.

So like if you're being a fucking idiot, I'm going to be like you're being a cunt. What are your thoughts on this? Because I sent Michael a picture the other day and I said, hey, have you seen these shoes? It was a picture of my shoes on the floor. And it's kind of zoomed out. But I didn't tell them at the very bottom of the picture is just the tip of my penis. like sticking into the bottom of the picture. And it's a very funny gag.

But I wonder, is that like an acceptable gag to send to a girl? No, not to a girl. These are the ways that I think... But it's not... It's just the tip. No, I know, I know. So there are different things and that's it.

Like, that is something I would say is off limits to a... Because of that. But could you see how, like, that's different than, like, a non-sexual conversation? You know what I mean? It's like sexually you should treat men different than women because it's like...

Of course. There's different dynamics. But I think as far as insult, it's like, everybody, everybody's a, here an adult, so I should be able to insult you and stuff like that

in that way. Yeah, but you can't hit that. Okay, yes, to clarify, if you're talking straight insults,

fighting, yes, but if you're just in an argument with someone and you go, I think you're a cunt, everyone around you's going to go, uh,

fuck. Like, they go on and everything goes downhill for beer. Yeah, I like that feeling like you're crazy

and you're like, I am crazy. Yeah. You turn of old Jack Nicholton. It's like, you can handle the truth. Yeah, yeah.

No, dude, You can definitely, like, you can insult people and be rude and win the argument, too. It's just with women. That's also a terrible argument technique. Like, you're never going to win. I know. With women, though, if you're going to start insulting them, you cannot start being like bitch, cunt, horror.

It just doesn't. Because then it's, yeah, they, society's being gay lately. Anyway. Even if you're right is what I'm saying. You can't even do that stuff. Yeah, yeah. But it's just in my mind, I see people. I genuinely see, like, as far as like, what's it called?

I see it's like, oh, this is equal. Yeah, no, I'm with you. So it's like, I'm not going to be like, oh, well, if I said cunt, it would hurt her feelings more. Oh, no, no. Yeah. I even go as far when people are, like, arguing and they start fighting. I'm like, if you start hitting people, I don't care what you say. If someone's getting, you know, is punching the other person and they start hitting.

Oh, you're saying like a racial slur. Yeah, I'm like, you're already hitting. It is, but I'm already like, yo, they're hating each other. It's like, it doesn't matter. They're committing bodily harm. That's worse than end words. So, but I don't, I don't, you know, I'm not a judge. I don't know. We're not financial advisors.

A guy who's been beat up by 10 samurai swords. I've never once said the word jab. Yeah. Are they Chinese? No. Also, I said samurai swords. I hate when you notice halfway through the joke, you fucked up the joke in your life. Yeah. It's, I'm almost certain it's Japan. And I'm almost

certain, yeah, I think they spread out all over too. There's black samurai, dude. I don't know why that's just cooler. Like in my mind, I'm like, this is... I know it's an anomaly. It's an anomaly. I know exactly why it's cooler. It's just so fucking. And just the title, Black Samarize, fucking badass, dude.

Yeah. That was one thing with all these Marvel movies. They're like, all right, we need more representation of black people. So they're like, what about Black Panther? Yeah. Black Adam. It's like, don't like just stick the word black. You know, it's crazy about that, too.

I don't know where those people grew up, but I grew up watching a lot of black stuff. Hell, yeah, brother. I really did. Straight up, dog. Yeah. But like for real, dude, I watched like growing up, I watched Blade. I watched any brother. You know what I mean?

Like, um, static shock. Like, I actually watched that last night. It's so good. It holds up. It holds up tremendously. Superhero. Static shock. We might be the blackest white guys.

Yeah. A lot of people say about me. A lot of people say. No, but everybody in my parents' country club, they say I'm the black. Is it racist that I believe that if the Hulk was like when he got angry, here turned black instead of green, he'd be scarier. No, he's...

What shade of black? Yeah, like, midnight. Yeah, that would be scarier. Yeah. What, or... I don't know how to answer this. Okay, because... What's scarier, for real, though?

One time I did Google the blackest guy. I think I told you that I was like, I just, I'm just curious what the blackest guy looks like. And I'm like, now I know. It's pretty black. Yeah. It's pretty black. And I'll be honest, it's like, it's a...

I don't know if, scary is the word, but you are caught off guard where you're like, whoa. It's like the same thing when you see a super pale person. Yeah, you're like, whoa. Well, I was going to say, do you think that would... Like a pale a pale Hulk also scary. Yeah, or Red Hulk, because Red Hulk's real, and he looks terrifying. But picture like a

like a shoe polish colored Hulk with just big, juicy red lips. Your lips? Patty's lips. So basically, you're asking, because this is true. Everybody says people in blackface looks scary. Yeah. Dark black face because it's cartoonishly a different

color that's not realistic. So that might be scary because it doesn't look like a... It's the uncanny valley. Like blackface, you're like, oh, I know it's not your actual. Unless it's done, like, Robert Downey Jr. You're not like, oh, that's scary. That actually looks like a black person. When it is like the dark shoe polish color, you're like, oh, that looks... That's offensive because it's

like creepy almost, because it's like that's what people don't look like. Or like, what about the science of Hulk? Like, what if Mark Ruffalo's just like in his home in blackface? And he's like, do with the makeup? And then he like messes it up. And he's like, God damn it. and he's like, and then he grows into

a black face Hulk? Like, does the makeup stay? I was just in the makeup stay? Yeah. I don't think, well, it's weird. The thing that doesn't make sense is his pants. They never... You know why.

Yeah, yeah. It's like, his pants would be ripped off completely. Yeah. Like, what pants stretched to like 10 feet wide? Yeah, if we're doing on what the Hulk would really be like, he would just grab people and just fuck them to death. Yeah, yeah. Just grab that general and just fuck his face off.

in one stroke. That's it. I'd love to get like a mouth fucked by the hole. A tattoo of like my penis size to scale on Mark Ruffalo and have like a doctor sign it and then

have him grow to Hulk and then take a picture of him be like this is a doctor. That's so much of work. I write this down. I lost you somewhere here. So I get my penis to scale like the size of my penis exactly tattooed onto Mark Ruffalo's chest. And then when he goes

Hulk, I take a picture. I'm like, this is a certified doctor. By Dr. Bruce Banner. Dr. Bruce Banner, dude. It doesn't lie. But it's been stretched down. Yeah, it's been stretching. To scale.

What for, though? Like, send to women, like, this could happen. And you just be like, this is how big my penis. Could get? Don't make me hang. Yeah. Maybe that's how he gets a boner, too. He's got to get angry. Yeah, I think there was like an old...

I think it was like a... There was some sketch like that where he would get big, but his dick would say the same size. It's just so frustrated. I think it's a college humor or something like that.

That's what's classic. Oh, my arm is like a sleep. Fell asleep. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, I like that you're wearing a blanket now. You've brought your podcast into my podcast. It just slowly becomes a bed at some point. I feel at home this way.

We do want to make a news from bed, morning, good crossover episode and hype it up. Like, it's like the TV event of the century. Like, it's like, It's like a lot of people said it couldn't be done. And then there's a guy on like a chalkboard, like a scientist. He's like, it's not retarded enough. We can't do it.

There's like SWAT teams trying to bust through our door. We can't let this happen. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the premiere of a lifetime, the morning good, but whatever the fuck your irrigation. Morning good from bed. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, morning good for bed. They do kind of work in that way because like you get morning wood in bed. Yeah. We'd have to be erect. Yeah. Yeah. And I like the idea of me just like, we do like shots back before me yelling at you. I don't know what we'll be yelling at, but just something just like, it's not ready.

We can't just do this. You go too far this time. What if we can't get back? Your madness. This is madness. Oh yeah. We were going to have like, uh, was it you or Alan just like cleaning off his glasses like dramatically in the bathroom, like looking in the mirror because he'd be like the surprise

gas or something like that. Just like writing like a note to his dad be like, if I don't make it back. it back on the other side. Please put all of my Tom Brady jerseys in a safe place. Have Alan just talking to an Asian woman like that be like if I don't see you again, just know I love you

and she's like twing twang twang twing or whatever it goes. That was so racist. That was the most racist Asian voices in my whole entire life. Also, if she was Japanese, she would be like

it'd be like gutteral. I mean, I went really like ping pong on that. Just know I've enjoyed the time we've spent together. She's like wiping jizzle. That's good. You guys can keep that. I like it.

If I see that, that it's really funny. It is really good. Because you don't see that she has jizzed her face first. You see her wiping away. That's great. If you see her back view, it looks like she's wiping tears away.

You see it just come on. Dude, Alan buttoning up a shirt. That's like two shots, dude. That's not even. That'll take 10 seconds. Yeah. And then, oh my God,

I love that. And then we just have the most mediocre episode where I'm like, Are the mics plugged in? Okay, do we get that? Okay, hold the microphone differently. You know, I said this on another episode. Pull your shirt now.

Alan, what did you have for lunch today? Oh, a water buffalo. How'd you get started in stand-up? What's it like to bomb? Did I tell you the thing with Al that happened, we're like, when I stayed at your place, so for people that don't know, I was, there were seven people in this house

at the same time. Yeah, it was crazy. When I was like, I hate saying homeless, I jokingly say homeless, but I was, didn't have a home. And Alan would come out and eat food. And I would start, to decide what food was unhealthy

based on what I sell Alan eating. I would just see him eat like Chinese food? I was like, I guess that must be horrendous for you. Yeah, he's kind of like an infomercial, like a live infomercial. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. His diet's, I've seen him eat a few times, and I'm like, that's bad.

Dude, his life is crazy. What he does is he takes a... By the way, for reference, look up Alan Fitzgerald on Instagram. Just, if you haven't, he's been on before, but the idea, like, his process is so funny because it's like, he takes this thing called trazidone. It's like a sleep medicine.

And he goes, yeah, it takes five hours to kick in. I was like, why don't you take it five hours earlier? So he takes it like midnight. And then falls to sleep at like 7 a.m. And then sleeps to like 4 p.m. And I'm like, hey, do I podcast at 6? He's like, yeah, I don't know. My brain doesn't really start cooking until 8 p.m.

Mornings are tough. Yeah, so I just can't get him on the podcast unless it's like... Yeah, he's a tough one to nail down. That's bad. But he's too. He literally is like a prize. Like, it's like he should be like that where it's like, we got Alan. Like, you're like,

like, in my mind, when I've had on my podcast, I'm like, we've, like, it's like when you catch a Pokemon. You're like, we,

this is a lot of work. We should, like, encase him in carbonite, except for, like, his mouth. So, like, then we can just move him around

on wheels and, like, he doesn't have to move or exert any energy. Like, and we just have, like, a tube going into his stomach that we put halal in it.

Equified halalal. Wait, he used a lot of halal. Oh, yeah. Fuck, I've been eating halal too. Well, I don't know, man.

I mean, for me, it's chicken and rice. Is that bad for you? No, chicken and rice is good for you. Yeah, it's good. Isn't the kind of chicken is bad? If that's not good for you, nothing is. You should just start cooking it, dude. It doesn't take that long.

Yeah. I'll teach you one day. It takes, like, if you get a whole package, if you do the whole package in once, it's like an hour. Are you going to make fun of the gay community while you do? Because if so, I don't want to be funny. I'm bad at playing serious, I think. I think I'm bad at doing the serious thing.

I don't look at quite a nail whatever. I like it. It's sexy. tell me if you guys think this is kind of funny when we were driving to Myrtle Beach we were like listened to a lot of music and stuff and like podcasts or whatever and then on the way home like it was a long trip

so like towards the end of the trip we were playing all kinds of stuff and I put on Bill Cosby because like I really truly feel that like the sound of Bill Cosby's voice like makes you think like oh I got to stay awake that is very funny that is really funny yeah what did you guys like you were telling me I was talking

you have this. I love how when you go to places like Myrtle Beach and everybody's really fucked up, I've had this experience in Key West, New Smyrna Beach, Daytona, all these places you go, every worker at a restaurant knows what you're going through because it's like they deal. It's almost like you are like passing by on a conveyor belt of dumbasses. And they're like, oh, I know what this is. So like did you guys do it? Like you said you went golfing a bunch. Did you go to the beach, I assume. Did not go to the beach. What? Yeah, I love the beach. You know why? Because every second we weren't golfing. This was like incredible for us because like we got

good weather, but every second we weren't golfing, it was like pouring rain. Oh, that sucks. So we were mostly just like drinking and going to bars and stuff and hopping around. That can be fun, too. There's something really feels good about like, I don't know, I really like rainy day bars. I kind of fucking

love that. Yeah. I like rainy days. Yeah, it's really good. I feel like the rain pauses everything. Like when everyone sees that it's raining, everyone kind of takes a second. They're like, all right. Like, I don't know.

Have we been working too hard? Yeah. I know what you mean. I just, any day it rains and I have shit to do, I'm like, fuck. But I know what you mean exactly. Like, you can play video games that day. Yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, it's raining.

It's like, whatever. It's shitty out. Yeah, what am I? Yeah. It's shitty out for everyone. Exactly. And you might as well take, yeah. I take advantage of those days.

I play more video games. I watch more TV. Plus, it's nice to know that, like, animals in the safari are, like, enjoying it because they like the rain. It also knows, yeah, the next sunny day will be really good. Yeah, all the home on that day. This is a good war.

Yeah, yeah. That's what God's, that's the reason he's ready just to watch the dirty boys. Yeah. I like the dirty boys. I remember, uh, I really liked, uh, I had this one rainy day.

You know, I've you seen a movie, uh, I think it's a Tarantino one. Is Sin City Tarantino? He guest directed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember I took an Adderall one day and just like curled up in bed and like, and like, laid back down and started watching Sin City.

And, uh, I don't know why. There's something so comfortable about it raining outside. You're watching a black and white thing. and then the Adderall starts to kick in, you're starting to wake. Yeah. And I just had like, my old apartment,

which I got to start doing here, I can shit and watch TV at the same time, which is fucking awesome. I remember just like shitting my brains out, like, Adderall diarrhea while just watching like, Bruce Wilson who had to be like, I'm going in it, you're like,

this is the life. Yeah, yeah, literally. I don't know why there's something like poetic about that. I mean, really not, but I was like, I was like, that was nice. Because there's something about while you're waiting for the Adderall and kick it.

It feels great because you're like, I don't need to be productive now because it hasn't kicked in, that shit kicks in, I'm about to fucking get shit. I'm not going to watch the shit out of this. Yeah. I'm not going to miss a frame. That's such a good movie, so star-studded cast.

Great. It's the best comic book movie, in my opinion, because it is exactly there's like two or three differences, but it's... Watchman's pretty similar to. Yeah, but I mean like the way they did everything in the movie, if you read the comic

while watching it, you're like, holy shit. They like, caught the shots are so similar to like the the panels like when Marv jumps down the stairs and it shows like it's just so many things in that movie when Colin Farrell goes through the windshield

that's all in the comic. If you ever see me reading a comic book or watching in a movie just intervene. I'm not saying I'm not saying I did that. I'm saying when I read well I saw the movie and then read the comic I was like yo this is so similar like two like you know the scene when the girl

I just picture like an autistic guy looking at the comic book looking at it and then like they say one line that's different and he's like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah the major difference Jessica Alba in the comic is naked just runs ahead first into the TV like not even or like not even moving just like a bowl of cereal in his lap

and he's like yeah he flips it yeah it was so funny too because I was like, I think we got to wrap up this podcast. I'm so glad we got that in there. You're about to say something?

You're about to try to top that? No. I was going to say he'd freak out when he saw that Jessica Alba isn't naked in the movie because she's naked in the comics. Oh, that would piss me off. Yeah, and it pisses me off. Yeah. We got to wrap it up.

What do you guys want to promote? Oh, yeah. News from bed. That's it. Perfect. I have a podcast called Yes offense It's very similar to this one

They were both on it It was a good part That was a really good episode BeLas or whatever I don't know if you remember That was one of the best I almost wanted to swapcast Because like you're so comfortable

On somebody else's versus your own Yeah It's like I was great Yeah I hope I Ours I felt was better But that's because I wasn't It's because of me Not because of you guys

That's all I want to say Yeah I feel like I was I got a little A little too stoned today and that's just... No, you're great.

I'm in my own head then. I apologize. Yeah, I don't know. Fuck it. What are you? Hi? Yeah. Check out, yes, offense.

When's this come out? Just thinking about all the voices you did in this podcast, how it's going to ruin your career. This will be out Sunday. Okay. Yeah. Just shot in the dark, but Midtown,

Grizzly Pear. Don't shoot at something dark. No. Especially if it's the Hulk. I'm doing a show Midtown, Grizzly Pear. Monday, March 11th. Zach Amico's headlining,

Rami Rosner's featuring. Oh, Romney Rules. Yeah, Romney Rules. A bunch of... I've never seen Zach, but I've heard he's incredible... He's the band.

He's great. I do you not see him. You always make fun... No, he's a great guy. I think he's in this frame. You always always do this. It's very funny. It is very funny.

I defend him. You defended his not fat. Like, you... When everybody calls him fat, you're immediately like, and he's a great... We all know he's a great guy, but you don't have to insult.

I will tell me. He's fat. Okay. Anyways, anything else? And that's really, yeah, check out my Instagram at Silly Sully. Thanks. Perfect.

Thank you. Good.