A Beautiful Cartoonish Gift - Episode 212
00:00Thanks for the F-Shack.I love dirty Mike and the boys.Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys?How you know who we are?What's this?They called the podcast?Morning, good, good.Oh, I love it.
00:18Hey, welcome to the air.Thanks.Oh, yeah.Welcome to morning.Yeah.We're here with Alex Tomaselli.Yeah.Yeah.
00:27And Patrick Defino.Vigina.Vigina.Vigina.Vigina.Vigina.The jane.Thomas.
00:33I don't know if we can make an episodeDumber than our last, but we cameto the conclusion that I'm going to legally change my middle nameto fart.Oh, really?But we're off to a good start by just starting by sayingWell, you don't have a middle name.Yes.
00:45So you're going to legally...Michael fart.Good.Farts would be the...Fart is dumber than farts.I think it should be Michael.Pussy smells good.See, farts,
00:58the thing is farts, they would have to...Ooh, you do...You put it fuchs, but it's fucks.You know what I should do?I should commit an atrocious crime after I changed my middle name to fart.So just in the court of law, they're like,this jury accuses you of killing 45 innocent lives.Michael Farts good.
01:16What do you have to say, Mr. Michael Fart Good?The defendant pleads.Who's your suggestion of?That freaked me out.I assume you'll commit a southern cry.Yeah, of course.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.You are a Florida man.
01:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.So you won't, you'll be tried as a Florida man as well.Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's how that works.Yeah, I think, I don't know.I also think when you go down south, like, there's, I don't know, I don't know if there'smore or less laws.It's where the consent laws, those are always the states where they're the craziest.There's always just like, you can fuck a 15-year-old in this state, but then they're
01:53also the states that are like, everybody's super into, like, taking down the pedophiles.I'm like, maybe change some legislation.You can't fuck a 15-year-old in your state.Or if you take a puff of weed, they feed you to an anaconda.They don't really fuck around with like schedule one drug.Oh, yeah.Well, that was the funny says I was like down in Florida during COVID.And it was like the George Floyd protest.
02:14And I was with this like kind of redneck family.And they were smoking, they were smoking weed, which is completely illegal in Florida.I mean, it's decriminalized.But they're like, maybe if these black people would just follow the law, they'd stop getting in trouble.I'm like, you're literally hitting a one hitter right now.Like, what do you?Yeah.Would you buy that weed for?
02:28Yeah.It's almost a worse crime buying and smoking weed than selling it, I think.Was it?I think because you're the one doing the, the whole thing about weed is they don't want people to do it, right?Yeah, yeah, yeah.So.We just want that, you don't want the kids to do it.That's the big thing is you don't want the kids doing weed.
02:47But I think if anybody should be doing weed, some of fucking kids.Yeah, dude.That's the funest time to do.Actually, I don't know.I kind of, I wish I cared less.The problem is I did mushrooms and I freaked out and told them myself.And then I started smoking weed after that.And then I would get paranoid.
03:02I only got weed without paranoia like twice in my life.And then now every single time I've smoked weed for the last 15 years, I still get like paranoid.Yeah.I smoke so much weed that if I get paranoid now, I'm like, fuck yeah.Oh, really?I'll have extreme paranoid thought and then be like, wait a minute, I'm really stoned again.And then I just go about my night.Yeah, I'm just like I know what it is.
03:27Even when I start gripping, like there's that moment of anxiety where you're like,you're like losing track and you're likeno, no, no, no. There's that little voicethat's like, just hold on, this is fake. It's gonna go away.Because there's those moments with like full panicattacks where your heart's just like throbbing.You're like, just this will pass.It makes me like sympathize with Shaggy.
03:46Oh, like he was always a little on edge.Yeah, yeah.And like not only that, like he was obviously highand on edge, but then like Scoobykept eating all of his food in front of himin like a hilarious way.I would be very upset with thatlike as a guy who has the monkeys.
04:03Yeah, yeah.Just seeing my dog house like a 16 foot high sub.Yeah.And also like the scariest thing.I mean, being high and looking for ghostsis like the scariest thing.That is the scariest thing I could ever imagine.But it sounds so fucking dude.
04:16I kind of want to get high and look for ghosts.Dude.I just looking for ghosts is scary.Yeah.You just, everything's a ghost when you're stoned.Oh yeah.And like that's the weird thing about this is so you were out of townon a bachelor party.
04:28And I have to do like weird things.exercises where I have to give myself lots of anxiety to learn how to deal with anxiety.So you weren't here and one of our rooms is abandoned.So I just turned the lights off and put my head in a corner like the Blair Witch Project.It just sat like that for like 10 minutes.That's, God.That's psycho behavior.If somebody would walk in, I would look like a zero killer, but I'm like, no, I'm just doing
04:47my anxiety exercises.That anxiety exercise is wild.Yeah, but it's like you have to do things that provoke.And it helped, like, after like 10 minutes.Where did you find that?Was that like online?Did you have to go to WWWW?I'm a retard.
05:03Well, it's like what you do is, like, the things that, like, what scared me was just beingalone in the house.Sometimes, you know how sometimes being alone in the apartment?Yeah.So it's like, you do the things that promote, like, because my, like, anxiety, OCD, like,fear is like, what if somebody breaks in and, like, kills me?It's like the scariest scenario, or the, because, you know, we have, like, almost peoplecoming and, they'll randomly just scream by sometimes.
05:22I mean, we have a pretty minimal amount here.Yeah, yeah.There's that one cracket who is, have you seen the guy yet?He's got dreads.He's, like, Hispanic guy.he's in that barbershop. I have no idea what he's doing there. There's no way he works there.No, I mean, you can't even do anything with dreads, right? You know, I don't think you go to a barber shop.No, no, no, but he's just, I always see him just like, he's on full, like, funk mode. You know what I mean?
05:44Like, he's just so high on crack. It's always like, bount, bown, bough. Like, you know there's like a 70-song playing.And he's like, ooh, ah, just hitting different nose, too. He's like, yeah, baby. He's just hitting, like, a thing.And it's not even a fear of, like, would he get into the apartment. It's, like, a fear of, it's, like, a fear.of what he would do if he was in the apartment.Yes, yes, and your brain starts going crazy.And so in my mind, I was like, well, I'll goto, like, one of the closer rooms because I'm not going to go to your room.And I was like, that is the spookiest room.
06:09And, like, in my mind, like,this is maybe an irrational fear, but there's always the fearthat somebody's hiding inside the house.You know what I mean? You're like, what if when I was gone, they went in there.So it's like, there's a closet in there. I'm not going to check the closet.I'm just going on the other side of the room, put my headin the corner, turn the lights off and just turn my backto the closet.
06:24Jesus Christ.Is that intense?That is intense.oddly intense.But it's better than like the,Patty,I had to do an anxiety testwhere I had to go to your bed
06:32and masturbate it.Because my biggest fearis getting caught masturbating.But it wasn't like,it's crazy.It really brought,because I did a lot of drinking this weekend.So my anxiety just,
06:43like,rose a bunch.So I was like,in order to keep drinking this week.Because I drank,I went on a date Thursday,Friday.What was his name?
06:52What was his shoe size?I'm not sure if you've tuned in,but it's not the guy.We don't.Oh, yeah.This is not.That's not this podcast.Oh, yeah.
07:00You're not gay.And this podcast.I mean, we have such a good thing going and you just ruin the momentum with extremehome of that.That's what you should name the podcast.I just asked a home.A good thing.How'd your date go?
07:12What was this date with a woman and how to, did you score?We're not, we're not getting into that.No, I didn't.But if we did, I would have said yes.No, I did not.I did not.But anyway, like Friday came around.I was really hung up.
07:26about a lot of anxiety, but I was like, I want to drink tonight.And so I was like, I'll do these extreme anxiety exercises.And I felt a lot better.That's good, dude.Yeah, and then it was really nice.You never heard of a stress ball?Yeah, it might be a little more.Yeah, there's always a guy with a stress ball that, I don't know, it's, I had stress
07:46ball for a little bit to do chin exercises.Did I tell you about these?I don't think so.So I was trying to do, when I got out of the break, I was trying to look as sexy as I could,but I was trying to get fucking bulk.so I'm like, all right, I want to be bulky, but I want to have a good chin.So I was looking for like stress balls because there's an exercise where you just do thisand then you just get like a sick jaw lie.
08:04But then somebody came up to beat with her like, it's actually bullshit.I already looked into it.And I was like, I'm glad that other people are as worried about their jaws as I am.Yeah, I like putting a stress ball right in my mouth.Yeah, yeah.Squeeze it tight put in your mouth and it blows up.You're like, hoot.Dude, I like biting shit.
08:21Yes, dude.Poly pocket clothes.Have you ever?wait a secondI actually havebecause my sister had onedude they're like rubberya little pair of jeans
08:29rubber jeansdo you put you put a poly pocketpair of jeans on your fingerand then you chewagainst all of thisyeahyeah dude II hated those chicks
08:37in high schoolthat would chew theirlike hoodieumstringoh yeah I wouldyeah I would basicallyyou wish you were the string
08:44you're the stringyeah yeah yeahI mean me toobut I was also likedude she'syeah I chewI still to this dayplastic bottle cap
08:53I just chew them.No.Yeah.Disgusting, dude.You have like a thousand habits.I just haven't braked.I click my lips.I click my jaws.
09:01I click my fingers.But I do the,I tense my jaw when I'm laying in and like a bed sometimes.Getting sucked off by a guy.Damn, God be back.The Bible's going to be mad at me.Nobody tell the Bible.Dude, that would be a fun.
09:20That would be a fun, what's it called?Prank show is going to the Catholic.boost and just like you justsay the most crazy shit. Like just tellthem, just be like, yeah, no, I had sex with 19goats this weekend. Yeah.Or just like, well,yes, like that, but they would know you're doing a bit.
09:36You'd have to like really sell themon the like your sins.Yeah, and then try to convince him that fucking goatsis good. Like I actually readverse 45 of Leviticus. If you look really,really closely, it says goat fucking. If you look really,really closely, it looks like a goat.Like, I don't want to fuck.
09:51Or you just like say all that shit and thenat the end, you're like, by the way, my nameis blah, blah, blah. You just, like, put your friend'sname in there. Yeah, yeah. Well, what is it like,it's so weird because your therapist has to legallytell people if you committed a crime.Yeah. Or if you're putting somebody in danger.I don't know if you... No, not a crime if you're putting
10:07someone in danger. Okay, so, butI wonder where the line is... Or yourself. I don't know if it'sabout to commit a crime or you committed a crime in the past.Not in the past. I used to tell mytherapist all about myweed... I mean, I got arrested, butI used to tell them about my crimes.Okay, well, I was fine. Okay, but I, that's
10:23different than you...I thought you're...just open up about you,rape somebody.Oh, no.Oh, no.Just so casual.That'd be so funny.
10:29We don't know the guy.He's like, just that one thingnever clicked with him.He's like, wait, that's wrong?But, um, no, it's like,uh, like, I think a lot of it is if you're aboutto commit a crime, but I think some of it, like,I don't know if, like, I haven't watched
10:41enough of the Sopranos to know, because does he sayhe's killed people?And she's like...No, he alludes a lot.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Because she knows what he's talking about,but he's...It's a fucking...
10:51business. Let's just say the Gabagool didn'tmake it to the sink. It went right to crash.Let's just say I touchedthe guy with the sharp objectand the marinara sauce came out of his neck.I went extra dally.That was interesting.Tony Soprano got
11:07toothpaste in his mouth that day.Got a little tothe Caitlin Jenner.I can only do like angryTony Sopranos. Please do it.Be angry about megoing on a date with a man.You want to fuck.
11:23What do you have some fucking man?What do you have some kind of fagulio?What you do on your own time?What you do on your own time?They say about Funuk.Faggajou, they do.Every slur in Italian is just a different type of pasta.Yeah.
11:39Jesus fucking Christ, Michael.Yeah, what's next?You're slurping fettuccini on underneath the brain?She was fucking telling me you were taking another guy.Wait, I, I lost.I'm really bad at this.I had.I had it for a second.
11:54This is really frustrated.If he was going to do this,you should have done it on his own.You're telling me.In private.You took a guy's fucking Alfredo sauceand you slurped it down.Tone.
12:04He's turned it into Al Pacino.Yeah, I could just see like Christopher being like,Tone, he's fucking gay.God damn.Sorry, that's how I hold the mic on stage.You're good.If you're going to marry a man,who's going to cook the sauce at the end of the day?
12:16That's like,that's like, do you want the moon, Alice or whatever?It's a wonderful life.I haven't watched The Sopranos in a whileYeah, I've always seen a couple of hoursMy ex used to watch itI'd just tune in and be like, this is fucking awesomeBut it's the best
12:29I can't watch TV showsBecause I go to sleep at night and uhOh, you go to sleep at night?You're the guyYou're the minority of peopleWho are to sleep at night?You're just like, fuck me, yeahMy podcast
12:44Give you a great platformProbably going to inspireThousandsBut yeah, that's fine, sorryNo, no, noDon't don't apologize.I'm going to try to work an erection throughout this entire podcast.Do you could just be beating up under there?
12:59Honestly, I will say this.If a guest manages to jerk off on my podcast, I won't even.If you manage without me knowing.Without you.Like, you know, when you scroll over a video and it shows like stills from the video,I want to be like, boom, bump, boom.That'd be cool having a penis that big, wouldn't it?You know, the guy who does, he's his life.
13:28He apparently...One thing. Push. Push.All right, we're good.The man...It's just pairing away.I literally...I'm literally...I'm like, wait a second.
13:37Is everything?Right there.I felt like I was getting something forced into my mouth.Well, that's what you sign up for when you do this fucking podcast.So anyways...The man...With a big penis.A guy in, like, South America.
13:47He has the biggest penis ever.John something.John something.Yeah.His penis is so big you forget his last name.You know, I'm going to guess it's Juan something.Yeah, yeah.He, apparently they did x-rays on him and everything, and they're like, oh, your penis.
14:03X, X, X, X, right.Yeah.Your penis is actually like 9 to 10 inches, but with all the callus and everything is why it's so big.So we could remove the callus for you and you'd have a more comfortable life.And he literally was like, nah.Yeah.Yeah.I'm this.
14:19And he can't fuck.anything. He's just wears it as likea badgerna. He's a novelty. Yeah.He has to like wrap it up. Too bigto fuck. That's like someone's so cool.Yeah, it's like snake in a toilet.It's bad.The way that, because they don't
14:33show it in the clips I saw,they just showed him like wrapping itand you're like, that's insane. Yeah, he hasto mummify his penis.He does. Awesome. Just to go around.I don't, I don't, I really decidedthere, but he's like, you don't want boobsthat too big, you want a penis. I was like, no,
14:49that is a beautiful,cartoonish giftI want aHalloween themed penisYeahYeahI want to behanging him hanging
14:58In an haunted houseFrom his dickSwiveling aroundOh god dudeLike a fucking X-Men villainHe just like comes downHe's likeHe's like hello
15:05You're like oh my godI also like the idea of his dickIt's like wrapped like a mummyBut he also like has it in like a sarcophagusSo like he like opens it upWhen women come overHe's like are you ready for thisThere's like a little glow to it
15:17He's got a little jewel right on the holeor a coinit's like yeah it's like a guy who shows off hispediguana he's like check it out and they're just likehe's got a special lightinghe's a little heat liftthere's a little archaeologisthe goes
15:32a little bit he goesbe safe you can't touch it yetyeah you can't touch it yethe might shed don't touch it it may growis it 32 degrees it needs to be exactly32 degrees in this roomyeah I like thata biodome
15:48I always like when people have these theoriesabout stuff like that. They're like, yeah, the Constitutionit's done in this glass thing. If you would open the glass,it's airtight, it would just blow up.All these things are like, we just turn to dust.It's like, would it? I feel like the real reasonthey don't like want to open up the Constitution is because it saysthings like about white people. It's like, don't let white
16:07people get out of control.You can't go near it.It'll explode.Yeah, it's really dangerous. It'll catch on firefor some reason. I think it's like ait's in a glass containerand you can flip the pageswith like a device
16:22almost like you ever been to a fuckingjukebox machinelike Johnny Rocketsit's kind of like thatso you're like oh that's interestingokay yeahyeah oh that's coolyeah so it's
16:31I thought it was like one big documentI this could have been the Constitutionthis could be theDeclarationthis is like it's allit's all bullshitI just like saying thatbecause I know my dad listens
16:42this podcastand he's gonna get really madyou know you see National Treasureoh yeahI left that movie as a kidwith my parentsthey're like, do you like it?Can you put your stomach
16:50is just, you're...How is the most exposed, dude?Dude, dude!You focus on yourself, Mike.I went to whole podcast.I'm not even going to read the comments on your podcast.National treasure.Natural treasure left it with my parents.
17:04They were like, do you like the movie?I did not because the bad guy didn't die.Oh, yeah, yeah. Who was the bad guy?Sean Bean.Okay, it wasn't Angelina Jolie Dadwas his dad in the movie?Who?What's his name?
17:16John...Angelina Jolet.Don Voight.Yeah, yeah, yeah.Yes, I believe he was.Yeah.He is his, that is her dad.Yeah.
17:22I love it.I love every time now I see like a brick wall with like a loose brick in it, I alwaysthink of Nash.I'm like, behind this, it's going to be a pair of panties.They're from a hooker with Benjamin Franklin.You know they found like skeletal remains in his basement or whatever?Unidentified.Yeah, bro.
17:39He's a motherfucking body.Yeah.He's a motherfiguan.No, no, no.Ben Franklin.But they will with him.Yeah, they definitely will with him.He's an octopus.
17:47us.His last name is Cage.I'm a hundred percent certainBen Franklin justsome mouthy hooker.He just beat the shit out of her and was like,well,uh,
17:58which is part of the Constitution.Yeah.Saving the country.Hold this kite in the thunderstorm.I'll be right back.He just takes.Where are these bifocals and ride a bicycle?It's just blacked out.
18:11I can't see anything.Go down the hill,bitch.Hell yeah, dude.Yeah.I think he was like,That's why I've said this before, but I fucking love that, like, you look at the age differences.And, like, we've looked this up.
18:22Like, they were all just really fucked up.And that's why they had, like, any momentum to, like, make shit happen.And he was just the drunk old guy hanging out with, like, the younger dudes.Like, he was, like, way older than all the founding fathers.So he was just, like, that guy who, like, still wanted to hang.He's, like, that guy at the bar.Yeah.It's with the younger crowd, but he's, like, too old to still be going out.
18:41Yeah.And he, like, he would, like, get fucked up at bars.And they'd have to pay people.to like, they had hire people to go in with bars to him because he kept getting fucked up and talking about how they're going to get independence. Like he'd be at the bar and he'd be like, all right, I shouldn't be saying this guys. We're gonna succeed from fucking Britain. And then they're like, oh, we got drag him out.Imagine we're going to drive him. He's like, we're doing it. He's that guy. Yeah. Like, no, no, he's, have a good one, Ben. He's like, we're dead. Yeah. And you're going to go. You're not, you're fucking dead. They're going to throw you in tar and feathered you.It would be so funny if he knew everything that was happening, but no one believed them.He was like, there's going to be a mountain with our faces on it.They're going to find hookers in my basement and no one's going to notice because women have no rights still now.
19:29We're going to be delivering meat on bicycles to people.This is called blue shoes.They're going to get your dick hard.And I don't really need that because I have every, I think they're called something.I don't know.It was a kite, your dick hurts.That's what he would do.He would put a kite.
19:47He had a butt plug attached to a kite, and when it would electrocute it, it would just get his dick hard.Yeah, and he would wear a wig.I wonder which way he blew with the wind, if you know what I'm kidding to say.I think he's a bisexual?I think, frankly, I think he's just gay.He's like, put me on the $100, man.He was known for just fucking...I like that we're not even letting him lift his shit out.
20:12We're like, absolutely not.He was a pussy hound.I just slipped up there.Yeah, well, the tights, I mean, all of them were dressed very gay with their tides.It is very funny to be like, I should pull my stockings down when I fuck this bitch.You'd think back then they would have dressed to like more convenient for how shitty things were.You know what I mean?Oh, yeah.
20:34Just like potato sacks with our holes.It'd be shorts all the time if I lived in the South.Everyone back then was like, oh, we have tights and then we have pants.No air conditioning, dude.People were just sweating like.It doesn't make sense.time, yeah, yeah.That's still instilled in us to this day.
20:49Like, do you guys wear shorts in the summer?You know what it is really weird?I typically don't.See, he's weird.He won't, he won't let, you won't let it.But that's just because I have, like, I have to wear stockings.I don't want to wear shorts and stocking.How did you feel when I was calling stockings gay earlier?
21:03Um, I tuned out.Franklinie.I tuned out.Yeah.No, stockings are pretty gay.Not going to lie.Yeah, I had to wear them once for a play and, yeah, did not like it.Yeah, the stockings were the gay part of that sentence.
21:19Who's Robin Hood?Yeah, even better.Which, oh, that's fun.Who were you?The Sheriff of Nottingham.Oh, nice.I like, I like, I'm so bad at acting, but, like, we'd have to take, like, theater classes, like, kids.And sometimes you just hit a part, and you just picture a whole career.
21:33Just because I nail, like, I nailed, like, three lines as a male man and, like, a school play.And I'm like, okay.We all know if I put my mind to this.I could be Robert De Niro.I was posed ad in Kung Fu Panda Live action.I think I got a futureWell, I was talking to thisI was talking to somebody about this
21:50And it was likeIt's so funny when you're like a kidLike you think everything you makeLike artistically you think is like geniusLike I remember we're in EuropeAnd you know those cheese wheelsI made a bunch of action figures out of thoseI did like all the Batman characters
22:03I had like a Robin oneBecause it's like waxSo you could form the waxIn a little different thingsI made all these wax like little action figuresAnd I put them by the wayAnd my mom was like wowWe could probably like enter these
22:12In like a museum or something like thatAnd I was just like, fuck yes.I was picturing my life with like an airplane, like all this shit.And then because we left-A giant top hat made out of Swiss cheese.And then I fucking do it.I like, I put him on the windowsill and the sun made them like melt completely.And I was just like, no!
22:34In my, I guess you hear my dad talking to my mom.He's like, why did you tell him he would enter a museum?Now he's going to be super depressed about this.But that's like when you're a kid, it's weird.the value, like, parents were trying to do good things,but, like, my parents always tell me that my action figures,like, they don't want me breaking my toys. So, like, your toys have,like, feelings. And then your toy gets, like, run over by a car, and you're like,
22:53no!And then your grandma dies. You're like, well, I mean, I've seen Batman die.All my daddy parents have been ripped apart.Like, this is, like, not even saying.Oh, what did we leave Grandma out in the sun to?It's a weird, like, concept of, uh...I don't want to make you sad, but I thinkmaking Batman characters
23:11out of cheesemay have been the peak of your lifewell it was the waxit was the wax but I don't knowif creatively you've hit that strideI don't think so eitheryou know that's an incredible featit was really
23:24ingenuative dude I had likeI did like all of themI was going like in depthI'm like doing like the ventriloquistthey're like that's scarfacethat guyyeah yeahthe guy with yeah
23:34you know what's upthat was the nerdyshitYou know your Batman character's dog.Yeah, dude, I had like man bat.He was like the guy who's like half man half man.It's just Batman backwards.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:49There's always one of those.We're sure there's like a man spider somewhere.There is.Oh, right.There's a Spider-Man who's got six arms and he's hairy.Oh, yeah.He looks like a tarantula.He was like, no, I'm not Spider-Man.
24:01I'm a man spider.Yeah, yeah.Are you a Batman Beyond guy?Yeah, I like it.I don't know.know, I try to watch it. It's very funny. I'm still on my girlfriend's like HBO Max.What is that like plant-based Batman? No.Vegan Batman. I'm still, I still, my girlfriend's like HBO Max. And she has like one for her and like one for her brother.
24:23And I always go on her brothers because I'm like, dude, if she just like knows I'm watching like Batman and like I know, I know it's like, I was like this is just a bad look for me. I don't know. It's like I don't want, you know, I don't know. You want to look cool.Batman rules. You don't want, I don't know. He does, but she's like going to be like, oh yeah. She's fucking.he's nine seasons deep into Batman Beyond.She's like, good thing I left that fucking guy.I've realized no matter how much a girl tells you she loves you,if she's like is having a bad day and you're watching cartoons,she will shit on you for that.Oh, for sure.
24:54Yeah, yeah.That an ex who, like, was so cool with me watching cartoons.I remember any time she had a bad day.And I was, though, she'd be like, oh, you're watching a kid show again?That's cool.And you argue with you, you're like, no, it's actually, it deals with adult-like themes.My whole thing would be like, it actually holds up pretty well.people die. So I don't
25:10really give a shit what youhave to say when you watch thatshow about the teacher who rapes kids.That was a legit argument.Oh yeah. Well, they love watching the seriousthings. Then I'm like, yeah, there's a dichotomy behindbalancing a personal life and also beinga spider and being a student at the
25:26high school. And I'm like, this is real.Yeah, be like, you try watching the SolomonGrundy episode of Justice League and notgetting a little choked up when he dies,the one when he dies. Yeah.Pat, Patty's so out.Oh, sorry, Patty.Sorry.
25:39No, I do, I feel for you guys in this regard, when I was watching the Mario movie, I wanted, like...I still haven't watched all of it.I wanted people to watch it.I was like, hey, do you want to see the Mario movie?And so many people were like, I don't really like cartoons.Dude, my...I had, yes.It's not a cartoon.
25:54It's an art piece.It's a live action depiction of a cartoon.These are real Italian live.It's also the thing of, like, fuck.I dated a different girl who also, she really...hated all cartoons.But I hated him. She says, and she's like, that's,I'm an adult, I don't watch cartoons. Like, how does that
26:14happen? Were you, like, raped by acartoon? I asked her. I was like, what the fuck's wrong with you?Like, you don't, even, you,nothing you grew up with, you've ever been, like, oh, they'remaking a new thing of that. I might check itout if I, like, if it looksgood. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like,that's like, Spiderverse. Like, I was like, I'm going
26:30to see that. That shit looks sick, and it was.The first one was way better than the second one.Especially we guys had,banana, nah, nah, nah, nah. That post Maloneone'ssong.Oh,yeah.Oh, is that in Spider-R-R-R-R-A?
26:42That song just like,yeah, that's a great one.I'm like getting teard.There's one post-Malone line I always think of,and he's just like,God damn they're right behind me.Oh, I'm paranoid.I don't know.
26:55But it's just that one like,God damn the rep behind me.I was not saying, he has a, yeah.What's you say?Sometimes we like I got no friends.Yeah.Can't trust a soul like I'm snowed.Snowden.
27:07That's so good.You suck, dude.No, he rules.Do you think he randomly looks at the mirror, like all the tattoos on his face?He's like, does anybody, like, that's got to be a thing when you look at you havecornrows and a grill and, like, tattoos in your face and you're like, who would want to be friends with?Like, this guy has, you don't think maybe randomly?Yeah.
27:22No, definitely.Yeah, yeah.There's got to be moments of clarity.If you're 100% every day being like, these face tattoos are sick, like, I thinktattoo people lie a lot.They're always just like, I don't get any of my tattoos.I'm like, yeah, because you sound stupid.If you're like, this was stupid.
27:35I got a fucking, what is this?A two can?my arm? What the fuck is that? It would especiallybe stupid if one day all of a suddenhe gets like a burst of energyand he looks in the mirror and it says alwaystired on his face.Fuck!
27:47No, I agree. Like, if it...I actually prefer the people thoughwho are like, yeah, this was when I was like13. Doesn't really mean shit to meanymore and it's like, yeah, I get it.But I'm also, I'm like deeplyterrified of commitment. It's like a tattoo is like that's sucha scary, like the idea that I can't ever get it
28:03off. Every girl I'vedated who has tattoos, I'velike come or done something weird to their tattoos.So they mean nothing.Rick, you've come on their tattoos.Yeah. It's just a picture of their fucking grandmother.It's their dad.It's like shit on their back sometimes too.
28:19I had a girl who had...It says don't come on this.You shit on their back?No, no. And they have, like, I'm saying...I'll say this. I think that's something that hasn't been done.People shoot each other's mouths. They shoot on dicks.They shouldn't pussy. They have to share each other's backs out there.Just a tattoo that says the dump zone.
28:35Oh, you mean for a tattoo for it?No, no.I just don't think people are shooting on backs.I bet you there's someone out there who likes the feeling of it just dripping down.Probably, but you also want the, like, the glory of watching it happen.Yeah, but that's what the mirror on the, dude, people are...Yeah, that's where you get those cool glasses where you can see behind you with, like, mirrors,and you're like, yeah.
28:56This guy's shitting on my back.So glad I got these glasses.Jesus.I don't know, the idea of somebody trying to be.all sexual shitting and then walking away and slipping on the shit is so funny.They got like a, they got like either like a tarp or like a like like newspaper down.Yeah.Yeah.
29:16Well, they don't talk about,they don't talk about the moment after you do that where you have to get the doggy bag and just like pick it up and off the back and like, yeah.That's what you, I don't know what you guys do after you come on somebody.I shit right on their back.Right after I come on somebody like there's a moment of like cool and then it's like, all right, hold on.I'll get you, you know, something to wipe yourself off with.Yeah.Because you're disgusting right now.
29:40Yeah.I'm not touching you.You pig.I go like this.I'll get you something to wipe off and I leave the room and then I come back in with nothing and I just lick it off of them.And then I go, let me give something to wipe that off.And then I get a towel.Oh, gross.
29:59I like over visualized that.Because I was just thinking about this.It's got to be so funny when you're, because you're, because you're, you're, you're,you're shitting on somebody.Because, like, I wonder if, like, it comes out a different form.Because you don't know what your shit's going to try.You don't know if it was going to be diarrhea.There's got to be a time where you're like, oh, logs.
30:14Ew.That's not what I wanted.I wanted pebbles.Like, you have no idea until you do it.Dude, yeah, that's so vanilla.If you're...Oh, yeah, you're basic.Yeah, I knew sorority girl.
30:24What shit fucking pebbles instead of logs?Or, yeah, it's like, I told you to not eat McDonald's because I can tell.Is that shamrock shake?I smell.You can tell how spray your shit gets after you eat McDonald's, you nest, you bitch.I was just picturing family members of my listeners in this podcast.I was throwing up in their car.This has also been a topic on my podcast last week.
30:48Joe Gorman was on my podcast and he kept being like, would you let someone shit on you?And I was like, no.But then he got to like Sidney Sweeney.And I was like, well, if it's, you know, if that's like her thing.But what if he's always a scenario.Yeah, of course.is it depends.Is she going, I can shit on you and then you can fuck me?
31:07Or is she going, I just really want to shit on a guy?She's like, no, no, that was good.She's really nice about it.She's like, I mean, it would just be one.And she's like really convincing and like, both those I could do.Unless you shit on me.Then I'm like, that's a little, you know, I have a little bit of pride.Very small bit.
31:21So the first two with Sydney Swaney, it's like, I couldn't even, like, I wouldn't even care.I think.Like, I wouldn't, first of all, I wouldn't tell people.But even if people found out, I'd be like.But what if her Achilles heel is she takes like dinosaur-sized dumps?There's like twigs in it.There's a footprint in it for some reason.Or it's like you ever seen Nightmare in Elm Street when Johnny Depp gets sucked into the bed?
31:47It's like that spray.Oh, yeah.It's like a neck cut.Yeah.No, but to be honest, I would let her have an abortion on my bed.Yeah, dude, I wouldn't care.Like, I could do it.I've seen so.
32:00She's been like in the news a lot late.and every time I see her.But I like it.I like hers.I'm not.Taylor Swift,I was like,get it out of here,
32:09I want to see your,your bony ass.But Sidney's,but Sidney's,it's like,yeah,dude,she's got it.
32:19I'm a fan.Somebody brought it,so I think Nick Mollins said it.She has that kind of,like,dumb look in her face.It's kind of hot.You know what I mean?
32:23It's that kind of like,and I describe the face shape.I love him.Yeah,she's also got that dumb lookin her big tits.I like that.I like that.
32:32fan. But I don't know, like, if I were in a bedroom with Sidney Sweeney, like, only terriblethings could happen to her that, like, I wouldn't do anything out of my realm of, you know,comfort.See, everybody, everybody thinks there's this thing where it's like, and this is maybe justmy personal cocky does this. I'm pretty insane. Like, there are moments of my life thatI'm like, I mean, Swinney at a bar, I'm pretty fucking charming. Like, which is just completelylike. That's just standing in a dark room facing the corner. Just completely insane thoughts. But in mymind, I'm like, I feel like the best
33:04sex guy might not be like a celebrity.Like there might be celebrities that are just bad at sexand they're like still celebrities and they just likemight not, you know what I mean? I think like experienceis helpful, but I don't think it's alwaysjust like, because everybody seems to like a different thing.And Cindy Sweeney, like some people have fetishesfor banging dudes that like aren't
33:20you see a lot of hot chicks, the ugly guys and are like, no,he's just like, I'm into that. Yeah, the onlything is like, even if Sidney'sfetish was likeme, exactly.Yeah. There's probably6,000 guyswho would
33:34make the effortto get in herlike peripherybefore I doyeahso it's likeeven if that'sexactly what she wants
33:43like the oddsthat it's meare very lowyeah wellI bet you there are a lotof celebritiesthat do wantlike women for the most
33:51are attractedto powerful menbut I think there islike people aren't everythingpeople I always saypeople fuck goatspeople fuck all guysyou love the goats today
33:59it's justit's just the truththat people are fucking wild.So it's likethere's every differenttype of person out there.Once again,don't fuck goats.
34:06I don't think you should do that.I've heard they have a good pussythough.Who says this?The goats?Yeah.It promise it won't hurt.Okay, if it's talking,
34:18it's good saying anything.But it's like I feel like there has to be a thingwhere like somebody like Sidneyshe probably like wants,not her,but there's probably celebrities that are really hotand want to fuck regular guysbut their PR agents.
34:30It's like you got to.fucking date Travis Keltz. Like, you gotta date this. Yeah. Like, I guarantee you there's likea, like, a hardworking man. I bet you Taylor Swift, like, I get that she's into Travis Kalsi,but I bet you she would get off to like, just some dad in Ohio. Oh, yeah. Works in like anauto shop. Who has no idea who she is? Yeah, he's like, and he's like, I don't evengive a fuck. What, what? Yeah. Music sucks. Her music sucks. Yeah. Yeah, it's terrible.Well, I don't think so, but I'm saying the auto, like, some guy like that, he's like,you make music that my daughter's like, and she's like weirdly attracted to that now.
34:58There's all kinds of things that people like. Yeah, there's a lot ofshit that could happen. I say shootyour shot either way, dude. I don't evenmean like gold tour would be like... I'm going to DMSydney Sweeney. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Take, if the, if the stars align,do it, dude. Yeah.I've gotten with chicks
35:15I've, I'm like shocked.I've been like, oh, wow, that was, I didn't think thatgirl would ever talk about it. Yeah. You know who I thinkis hotter than Sidney Sweeney is fatSelena Gomez. Really?Yeah, dude. You think so?Yeah, I want to get up at her dog pound.Slap those. I have got.
35:31kind of had a weird urge to want a fat.I think I've told you this, I'm like,I kind of want a fat girl to be mean to me.I don't know why I'm just feeling that recently.They're out there, dude.Yeah, just like a mean, kind of like...Well, just cut in line of anyone at a pop-on-ins.And you will have that fantasy.
35:46But just like, you know, you know, like the cookie monster wearing,like, kind of like white girl who's like, like,where, like the kind of greasyish hair?Yeah, Doritos.Yeah, yeah.Way overly confident.Yeah, long nails.She's like, what the fuck?
35:58You think you can fucking play me?Yeah.She had a bloodline.She banged one black guy once.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.And then we have sex and she's like, man.Shit, you're not even blow my back out.And you're like, yo, we don't say that in our culture.
36:12Yeah, yeah.She's like, for real, that's how you gonna fuck me?Oh, my God, you got nothing, boy.I wanted to make it.At least you eat pussy.Somebody who sounded like, oh, yeah, that's, yeah, her being like at least cheap.I wanted her to sound like a white woman sounding like a,because there is a diff, you know what I mean?
36:27There's a slag.Yeah.If you're a white woman that you get fat enough, you do talk.like a black personfor some reason.I don't know where thecorrelation is there.Because you start paying black,
36:36dude.I guess.Yeah.You adapt the personality.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Have you seen that trend of like,there's these like hot,fat white chicks that are like,
36:44black man,we fucking love you.We love you.It's like,we'll protect you at all costs.We ain't never going to fuck a white boy again.And like,you'd expect people to, like,
36:53comment, like,this girl's fucking crazy.And every comment's black dude's like hearty.Yeah.Yo,answer my DM, bitch.Yeah, yeah.It's hilarious, dude.
37:03Hey, anything to keep them away from the skinny white wear.What is funny, like, it just feels so nice when somebody's sticking up for you.Like, it's like, there was some girl posted some, uh, I want to, you were going to say somethingfirst.I completely, I'm, I have no memory of what that's all.I am so sorry.I don't, it wasn't good, whatever it was.I know, I'm just so self-absorbed.
37:21I do.I don't know.Okay.It wasn't important.Some girls share, like, some girls, like, hot chicks in my high school,I'm sharing, like, suicide.Like, watch out for your male friends.It's like, they're more likely to commit suicide.
37:30I was like, yeah, we are.I was like, we're so delicate.Please, please watch over me.I know a few.My feelings get hot.It feels nice to kind of be coddled a little bit.There's a few girl comedians, if you hang out, the cool ones, you hang out with them enough.They're like, yeah, dude, like, I get why you guys fucking hate women.
37:49You're the best.Shout out, I don't want to throw them under the bus.Yeah, yeah, yeah.No, because the other women will come after them.Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.They know who you are.Yeah, that's a thing.men hate women, I think women hate women.
38:02I used to do a bit about it, and I'mgoing to start doing it eventually again. Some men do hatewomen, for sure. Dude, of course.That goes without saying, like, we can kill them, andwe do.Um, no, butum, womenhate, you guys just let it, sit and that. I'm okay with it.
38:18I'm okay with it. I don't mindsit in a, I'm just busted. I don't mind sitting at aI'm just busted. You're not.Um, no, dude.Women, womendo this facade of being like, oh,Yeah, we root for each other, but it's like, have you ever hung out with a girl not with any other women?And if you are like, hey, check out that chick.
38:38She's cute.They'll be like, eh, her hair's this, her shoes are this, her top isn't this.They talk about things you don't even notice and you're, and don't matter to you.Like, it's supposed to deter you from wanting to fuck.And you're just like, why do you?They all do that.I'm sorry, you all, every time you see like a really hot girl and you tell other girls, they're like,that's, that's, that's the one.
39:00Don't you.Yeah, that, yeah.She looks awesome.Her tits are huge.Sidney's hot.I don't even know.Girls like Sydney Sweeney, though.They like...
39:11No, they don't, dude.I know, I believe...They know why they know exactly why we like her.I mean, she is beautiful, but there's, you know...Yeah, beautiful.It's got some cans, dude.She's got the tits of a generation, dude.Yeah, she does.
39:26There was like Pam Anderson, Kate Upton, and then it's this chick.you think about it. Yeah, but the thing too is like, I think she's got big naturals. Yeah.I think Pam Anderson has like just balloon tits, which at the time was like...But that's what I mean. That's just what it was. Yeah, the time. You're right. And now those are out there. And then it was...And it was... And it was...I will say this. The, the Pam Anderson thing was really funny. Because she, like, went on this, like, huge thing recently. She's like, everybody thinks I'm just like a dumb slut. And I'm like...Yeah, it's like, do you want us to think you're a scientist?Yeah. And I don't know. Maybe it is sexy.
40:00But I also don't look at the rock and I go,I bet you the rock is a genius.It's attractive people, you don't.His name is The Rock.We do need sluts still, though.We need them.I have said this multiple.It's not an insult.
40:13I feel passionately that they're incredible people.I don't look down on like,first off,sluts and porn stars.Well, you do look down on themwhen they're suckers.But it's like, have you ever seen a porn star in real life?It's fucking the most crazy thing.
40:25You're literally like, what the fuck?You're like, that's crazy.You're like that person looks like they're like a, it's like when you see like a famous comedian for the first time.You're like, oh my God.It's fucking wild.Yeah.No, you're, you know.You got to see them live.
40:38Yeah.And you're less hard with the comedian.Yeah.You once again, I think I bulldozed you.Oh, no.I didn't have anything.Oh, okay.I must.
40:47I think I look like I have something to say a lot.It's just because those shades too.I'm like thinking about like work, which is gay.Oh, are you working right now?I'm technically, well, I technically clocked out.But I have like a lot to do this week.Yeah, yeah.It's no fun.
41:03I went on a bachelor party this weekend.I got fucked.Dirty Myrtle baby.Oh, Myrtle Beach.Yeah.Oh, that's hell yeah.That's real bachelor party shit.Did you drink?
41:12I took a sip of, uh, yeah.My buddy bought a bottle of tequila from the year 1592 or something.Yeah.Maybe that was the brand.Yeah.But either way, it was a $150.bottle of tequila and he's like you should try so i took like a sip and dude it was like givingjim lehy a little sip of the liquor yeah you got i was like randy fire up the grill
41:40we're having cheeseburgers today did you end up drinking no no that makes you feel good i was a littlenervous for you i mean it's weird that i'm nervous for you because i have no idea what you'redrinking habits are because i barely knew you drinking yeah yeah but it's like when somebody likei i you're like oh what could happen i know dude but what i did itended up doing was about 60poppers. Oh, nice.So, that was fun.I've also heard you weren't that bad of a drunk.
42:06I was a great drunk. I was aboutnot a drunk either. I just heard you,it's not bad that you quit drinking.I don't drink often. I just heard you weren't thatbad. Yeah, I was...I was just, like, one of those drunks that...I support you either way. I just want you.I appreciate it. I don't drink often, so...
42:23I was just, I would never appeardrunk. Like, I was always cool with...I was always, like, a good time.It was just like, I wanted to kill myself.Oh, yeah.And that's like...Don't do it, dude.Yeah.
42:33Dude, you'll know I'm drunk if you see me and I do not want to kill myself.And I'm like, I'll be like, Mike, you're like...I'm just like, I'm like, I'm so much louder than I am regular, so...You'll hear me.You'll know I'm drunk if there's a diarrhea in my pants and pop out of my shirt.That's how it's a sure side of you start.And a fat girl on my penis.Hell yeah, dude.
42:56All three.But my first...You watched me a kick a dog in the face.That's how you know.I used to get drunk with these chicks I worked with who were just my friends.And I would just berate them drunk at the bar.And it would make so many gay guys try to buy me drinks because they thought I was gay.Because I would be chilling with like three hot chicks and being like, you stupid bitch, get me another trick.
43:20Yeah, that's literally how gay guy.They're like, you fucking whore.And that's a guy, where's my fuzzy navel?In my regular voice, I'd be like, but I'm slurring.So I'm like, you fucking stupid bitch.Get me a drink.And then some guy would come up and be like, hello.And I'd be like, I'm not gay, dude.
43:38I don't know.I've never called a woman a bitch.I've like, if a woman's been like, sorry I'm being a bitch, I've been like, it's fine.That's as much as, that's like, I don't do it any.I do it to these girls as a bit.It was more of a bitch.I wouldn't do it sincerely.Like, unless it's a fight.
43:55women, me too.Me too.Oh, me too.I don't do it anymore.To their faces.I will never stop.Because the thing is we don't really,we haven't found genderless.
44:04I'll call guys cunts.No, you gotta call women.Like a ponytail.You gotta call women like assholesor say you're being a piece of shit right nowto their, if you're like arguingin a public setting and you don't want to get them.But it feels so good when you call somebody a cunt
44:16because they're like, you can't do that.I go, yes, I can.Yes, you feel's great.In the eye of everyone around you,you've built, because of how you can't,use gendered language wheninsulting women for some reason now. It's likeyou'll lose the public's
44:32thing. See, and I used to be kind of weirdlike this. I think before I was in a relationship, I wasvery like, I was trying to beless sexist, but I was kind of being more sexist.Like I was like, menare disrespecting women and all this kind of stuff.And then I hung out with my ex's friends.They're like, we're going to get some fucking dick tonight
44:47guns. And I'm like, okay.These are mature enough people to like, if Ito treat them differently, then I wouldtreat a man is kind of weird. It's like, in certainAnyways, yes. It's like I'm not going to punch women in the face.It's like, it's like there are certain things that differently.But as far as like general insults, I feel like insults are pretty easy.Like I'm like, you can take me being mean to you because you're an adult.
45:06So like if you're being a fucking idiot, I'm going to be like you're being a cunt.What are your thoughts on this?Because I sent Michael a picture the other day and I said, hey, have you seen these shoes?It was a picture of my shoes on the floor.And it's kind of zoomed out.But I didn't tell them at the very bottom of the picture is just the tip of my penis.like sticking into the bottom of the picture.And it's a very funny gag.
45:29But I wonder, is that like an acceptable gagto send to a girl?No, not to a girl.These are the ways that I think...But it's not...It's just the tip.No, I know, I know.So there are different things and that's it.
45:41Like, that is something I would sayis off limits to a...Because of that.But could you see how, like,that's different than, like, a non-sexual conversation?You know what I mean?It's like sexually you should treat mendifferent than women because it's like...
45:52Of course.There's different dynamics.But I think as far as insult,it's like, everybody,everybody's a,here an adult,so I should be able to insult youand stuff like that
45:59in that way.Yeah,but you can't hit that.Okay,yes,to clarify,if you're talkingstraight insults,
46:05fighting,yes,but if you're just inan argument with someoneand you go,I think you're a cunt,everyone around you's going to go,uh,
46:13fuck.Like,they go onand everything goes downhillfor beer.Yeah,I like that feelinglike you're crazy
46:19and you're like,I am crazy.Yeah.You turn of old Jack Nicholton.It's like,you can handle the truth.Yeah,yeah.
46:24No,dude,You can definitely, like, you can insult people and be rude and win the argument, too.It's just with women.That's also a terrible argument technique.Like, you're never going to win.I know.With women, though, if you're going to start insulting them, you cannot start being like bitch, cunt, horror.
46:40It just doesn't.Because then it's, yeah, they, society's being gay lately.Anyway.Even if you're right is what I'm saying.You can't even do that stuff.Yeah, yeah.But it's just in my mind, I see people.I genuinely see, like, as far as like, what's it called?
46:53I see it's like, oh, this is equal.Yeah, no, I'm with you.So it's like, I'm not going to be like, oh, well, if I said cunt, it would hurt her feelings more.Oh, no, no.Yeah.I even go as far when people are, like, arguing and they start fighting.I'm like, if you start hitting people, I don't care what you say.If someone's getting, you know, is punching the other person and they start hitting.
47:10Oh, you're saying like a racial slur.Yeah, I'm like, you're already hitting.It is, but I'm already like, yo, they're hating each other.It's like, it doesn't matter.They're committing bodily harm.That's worse than end words.So, but I don't, I don't, you know, I'm not a judge.I don't know. We're not financial advisors.
47:26A guy who's been beat up by 10 samuraiswords. I've neveronce said the word jab. Yeah.Are they Chinese?No. Also, I said samurai swords. I hatewhen you notice halfway through the joke, you fucked upthe joke in your life. Yeah. It's, I'm almostcertain it's Japan. And I'm almost
47:42certain, yeah, I think they spreadout all over too. There's black samurai, dude.I don't know why that's just cooler.Like in my mind, I'm like, this is... I knowit's an anomaly. It's an anomaly.I know exactly why it's cooler.It's just so fucking.And just the title, Black Samarize, fucking badass, dude.
47:57Yeah.That was one thing with all these Marvel movies.They're like, all right, we need more representation of black people.So they're like, what about Black Panther?Yeah.Black Adam.It's like, don't like just stick the word black.You know, it's crazy about that, too.
48:13I don't know where those people grew up, but I grew up watching a lot of black stuff.Hell, yeah, brother.I really did.Straight up, dog.Yeah.But like for real, dude, I watched like growing up, I watched Blade.I watched any brother.You know what I mean?
48:28Like, um, static shock.Like, I actually watched that last night.It's so good.It holds up.It holds up tremendously.Superhero.Static shock.We might be the blackest white guys.
48:40Yeah.A lot of people say about me.A lot of people say.No, but everybody in my parents' country club, they say I'm the black.Is it racist that I believe that if the Hulk was like when he got angry,here turned black instead of green,he'd be scarier.No, he's...
48:59What shade of black?Yeah, like, midnight.Yeah, that would be scarier.Yeah.What, or...I don't know how to answer this.Okay, because...What's scarier, for real, though?
49:12One time I did Google the blackest guy.I think I told you that I was like,I just, I'm just curious what the blackest guy looks like.And I'm like, now I know.It's pretty black.Yeah.It's pretty black.And I'll be honest, it's like, it's a...
49:22I don't know if,scary is the word, but you are caught off guardwhere you're like, whoa. It's like the same thing when you see a superpale person. Yeah, you're like, whoa.Well, I was going to say, do you think that would... Like a palea pale Hulk also scary. Yeah, orRed Hulk, because Red Hulk's real, and he looksterrifying. But picture like a
49:37like a shoe polish coloredHulk with just big, juicyred lips. Your lips?Patty's lips.So basically, you're asking, becausethis is true. Everybody says people inblackface looks scary. Yeah. Dark black facebecause it's cartoonishly a different
49:53color that's not realistic. So that might be scarybecause it doesn't look like a... It's theuncanny valley. Like blackface, you're like, oh, I know it'snot your actual. Unless it's done, like, RobertDowney Jr. You're not like, oh, that's scary. That actually lookslike a black person. When it is likethe dark shoe polish color, you're like,oh, that looks... That's offensive because it's
50:09like creepy almost, becauseit's like that's what people don't look like. Or like, what aboutthe science of Hulk? Like, what ifMark Ruffalo's just like in his homein blackface? And he'slike, do with the makeup? And then he likemesses it up. And he's like, God damn it.and he's like, and then he grows into
50:25a black face Hulk?Like, does the makeup stay?I was just in the makeup stay?Yeah.I don't think, well, it's weird.The thing that doesn't make sense is his pants.They never...You know why.
50:36Yeah, yeah.It's like, his pants would be ripped off completely.Yeah.Like, what pants stretched to like 10 feet wide?Yeah, if we're doing on what the Hulk would really be like,he would just grab people and just fuck them to death.Yeah, yeah.Just grab that general and just fuck his face off.
50:53in one stroke.That's it.I'd love to get like amouth fucked by the hole.A tattoo of like my penissize to scaleon Mark Ruffalo and have like adoctor sign it and then
51:06have him grow to Hulk and then take a pictureof him be like this is a doctor.That's so much of work. I write this down.I lost you somewhere here.So I get my penis to scalelike the size of my penis exactlytattooed onto Mark Ruffalo'schest. And then when he goes
51:23Hulk, I take a picture.I'm like, this is a certifieddoctor.By Dr. Bruce Banner. Dr. BruceBanner, dude.It doesn't lie.But it's been stretched down. Yeah, it's been stretching.To scale.
51:39What for, though?Like, send to women, like, this could happen.And you just be like, this is how big my penis.Could get? Don't make me hang.Yeah.Maybe that's how he gets a boner, too.He's got to get angry.Yeah, I think there was like an old...
51:56I think it was like a...There was some sketch like thatwhere he would get big,but his dick would saythe same size.It's just so frustrated.I think it's a college humoror something like that.
52:04That's what's classic.Oh, my arm is like a sleep.Fell asleep.Oh, yeah.Yeah, well, I like that you're wearing a blanket now.You've brought your podcast into my podcast.It just slowly becomes a bed at some point.I feel at home this way.
52:16We do want to make a news from bed,morning, good crossover episode and hype it up.Like, it's like the TV event of the century.Like, it's like,It's like a lot of people said it couldn't be done.And then there's a guy on like a chalkboard, like a scientist.He's like, it's not retarded enough.We can't do it.
52:30There's like SWAT teams trying to bust through our door.We can't let this happen.Yeah.Yeah.It's like the premiere of a lifetime, the morning good, but whatever the fuck yourirrigation.Morning good from bed.Yeah, yeah.
52:45Yeah, morning good for bed.They do kind of work in that way because like you get morning wood in bed.Yeah.We'd have to be erect.Yeah.Yeah.And I like the idea of me just like, we do like shots back before me yelling at you.I don't know what we'll be yelling at, but just something just like, it's not ready.
53:00We can't just do this.You go too far this time.What if we can't get back?Your madness.This is madness.Oh yeah.We were going to have like, uh, was it you or Alan just like cleaning off his glasses likedramatically in the bathroom, like looking in the mirror because he'd be like the surprise
53:17gas or something like that.Just like writing like a note to his dad be like, if I don't make it back.it back on the other side.Please put all of my Tom Bradyjerseys in a safe place.Have Alan just talking to an Asianwoman like that be like if I don't seeyou again, just know I love you
53:34and she's like twing twang twang twingor whatever it goes.That was so racist.That was the most racistAsian voices in mywhole entire life.Also, if she was Japanese,she would be like
53:47it'd be like gutteral.I mean, I went really likeping pong on that.Just know I've enjoyed the time we've spent together.She's like wiping jizzle.That's good.You guys can keep that.I like it.
54:01If I see that,that it's really funny.It is really good.Because you don't see that she has jizzed her face first.You see her wiping away.That's great.If you see her back view,it looks like she's wiping tears away.
54:10You see it just come on.Dude, Alan buttoning up a shirt.That's like two shots, dude.That's not even.That'll take 10 seconds.Yeah.And then,oh my God,
54:18I love that.And then we just have the most mediocre episodewhere I'm like,Are the mics plugged in?Okay, do we get that?Okay, hold the microphone differently.You know, I said this on another episode.Pull your shirt now.
54:28Alan, what did you have for lunch today?Oh, a water buffalo.How'd you get started in stand-up?What's it like to bomb?Did I tell you the thing with Al that happened,we're like, when I stayed at your place,so for people that don't know,I was, there were seven people in this house
54:42at the same time.Yeah, it was crazy.When I was like, I hate saying homeless,I jokingly say homeless,but I was, didn't have a home.And Alan would come out and eat food.And I would start,to decide what food was unhealthy
54:54based on what I sell Alan eating.I would just see him eat like Chinese food?I was like, I guess that must be horrendous for you.Yeah, he's kind of like an infomercial,like a live infomercial.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.His diet's, I've seen him eat a few times,and I'm like, that's bad.
55:09Dude, his life is crazy.What he does is he takes a...By the way, for reference,look up Alan Fitzgerald on Instagram.Just, if you haven't, he's been on before,but the idea, like, his process is so funnybecause it's like, he takes this thing calledtrazidone. It's like a sleep medicine.
55:23And he goes, yeah, it takes five hours to kick in.I was like, why don't you take it five hours earlier?So he takes it like midnight.And then falls to sleep at like 7 a.m.And then sleeps to like 4 p.m.And I'm like, hey, do I podcast at 6?He's like, yeah, I don't know.My brain doesn't really start cooking until 8 p.m.
55:39Mornings are tough.Yeah, so I just can't get him on the podcast unless it's like...Yeah, he's a tough one to nail down.That's bad.But he's too. He literally is like a prize.Like, it's like he should be like that where it's like,we got Alan.Like, you're like,
55:53like, in my mind,when I've had on my podcast,I'm like,we've,like,it's like when you catch a Pokemon.You're like,we,
55:57this is a lot of work.We should,like,encase him in carbonite,except for,like, his mouth.So, like,then we can just move him around
56:05on wheels and,like,he doesn't have to moveor exert any energy.Like,and we just have,like, a tube going into his stomachthat we put halal in it.
56:15Equified halalal.Wait,he used a lot of halal.Oh, yeah.Fuck,I've been eating halal too.Well,I don't know, man.
56:23I mean, for me, it's chicken and rice.Is that bad for you?No, chicken and rice is good for you.Yeah, it's good.Isn't the kind of chicken is bad?If that's not good for you, nothing is.You should just start cooking it, dude.It doesn't take that long.
56:31Yeah.I'll teach you one day.It takes, like, if you get a whole package,if you do the whole package in once, it's like an hour.Are you going to make fun of the gay community while you do?Because if so, I don't want to be funny.I'm bad at playing serious, I think.I think I'm bad at doing the serious thing.
56:45I don't look at quite a nail whatever.I like it.It's sexy.tell me if you guys think this is kind of funnywhen we were driving to Myrtle Beachwe were like listened to a lot of music and stuffand like podcasts or whateverand then on the way home like it was a long trip
57:00so like towards the end of the trip we were playing all kinds of stuffand I put on Bill Cosbybecause like I really truly feel that likethe sound of Bill Cosby's voice likemakes you think like oh I got to stay awakethat is very funnythat is really funny yeah what did you guys likeyou were telling me I was talking
57:18you have this. I love how when you go to places like Myrtle Beach and everybody's really fucked up,I've had this experience in Key West, New Smyrna Beach, Daytona, all these places you go, everyworker at a restaurant knows what you're going through because it's like they deal. It's almost likeyou are like passing by on a conveyor belt of dumbasses. And they're like, oh, I know what this is.So like did you guys do it? Like you said you went golfing a bunch. Did you go to the beach, I assume.Did not go to the beach. What? Yeah, I love the beach. You know why? Because every second weweren't golfing. This was like incrediblefor us because like we got
57:52good weather, but every second we weren'tgolfing, it was like pouring rain. Oh, thatsucks. So we weremostly just like drinking and going to barsand stuff and hopping around.That can be fun, too. There's something really feelsgood about like, I don't know, I really likerainy day bars. I kind of fucking
58:08love that. Yeah. I likerainy days. Yeah, it's really good.I feel like the rainpauses everything. Like wheneveryone sees that it's raining, everyonekind of takes a second.They're like, all right.Like, I don't know.
58:22Have we been working too hard?Yeah.I know what you mean.I just, any day it rains and I have shit to do, I'm like, fuck.But I know what you mean exactly.Like, you can play video games that day.Yeah, yeah.You're like, oh, it's raining.
58:32It's like, whatever.It's shitty out.Yeah, what am I?Yeah.It's shitty out for everyone.Exactly.And you might as well take, yeah.I take advantage of those days.
58:40I play more video games.I watch more TV.Plus, it's nice to know that, like,animals in the safari are, like, enjoying it because they like the rain.It also knows, yeah,the next sunny day will be really good.Yeah, all the home on that day.This is a good war.
58:52Yeah, yeah.That's what God's,that's the reason he's readyjust to watch the dirty boys.Yeah.I like the dirty boys.I remember, uh, I really liked,uh, I had this one rainy day.
59:01You know, I've you seen a movie, uh,I think it's a Tarantino one.Is Sin City Tarantino?He guest directed it.Yeah, yeah, yeah.I remember I took an Adderall one day and just likecurled up in bed and like,and like, laid back down and started watching Sin City.
59:14And, uh, I don't know why.There's something so comfortable about it raining outside.You're watching a black and white thing.and then the Adderall starts to kick in,you're starting to wake.Yeah.And I just had like,my old apartment,
59:23which I got to start doing here,I can shit and watch TV at the same time,which is fucking awesome.I remember just like shitting my brains out,like, Adderall diarrhea while just watching like,Bruce Wilson who had to be like,I'm going in it,you're like,
59:35this is the life.Yeah,yeah, literally.I don't know why there's something like poetic about that.I mean, really not,but I was like,I was like, that was nice.Because there's something about while you're waiting for the Adderall and kick it.
59:45It feels great because you're like,I don't need to be productive nowbecause it hasn't kicked in,that shit kicks in, I'm about to fuckingget shit. I'm not going to watch the shit out of this.Yeah. I'm not going to miss a frame.That's such a goodmovie, so star-studded cast.
59:59Great. It's the bestcomic book movie, in myopinion, because it is exactlythere's like two or three differences,but it's... Watchman's pretty similar to.Yeah, but I mean likethe way they did everythingin the movie, if you read the comic
01:00:14while watching it, you're like, holy shit.They like, caught the shots areso similar tolike the the panelslike when Marv jumpsdown the stairs and it shows likeit's just so many things in that movie whenColin Farrell goes through the windshield
01:00:30that's all in the comic. If you ever see mereading a comic book or watching in a movie justintervene. I'm not sayingI'm not saying I did that. I'm sayingwhen I read well I saw the movieand then read the comic I was like yo this isso similar like twolike you know the scene when the girl
01:00:46I just picture like an autistic guy looking at the comic booklooking at it and then like they sayone line that's different and he's likeyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah
01:00:59yeah the majordifferenceJessica Alba in the comicis nakedjust runs ahead first into the TVlike not evenor like not even movingjust like a bowl of cereal in his lap
01:01:12and he's likeyeahhe flips ityeahit was so funny toobecause I was like, I think we got to wrap up this podcast.I'm so glad we got that in there.You're about to say something?
01:01:22You're about to try to top that?No.I was going to say he'd freak out when he saw that Jessica Alba isn't naked in the moviebecause she's naked in the comics.Oh, that would piss me off.Yeah, and it pisses me off.Yeah.We got to wrap it up.
01:01:40What do you guys want to promote?Oh, yeah.News from bed.That's it.Perfect.I have a podcast calledYes offenseIt's very similar to this one
01:01:52They were both on itIt was a good partThat was a really good episodeBeLas or whateverI don't know if you rememberThat was one of the bestI almost wanted to swapcastBecause like you're so comfortable
01:02:00On somebody else's versus your ownYeahIt's like I was greatYeah I hope IOurs I felt was betterBut that's because I wasn'tIt's because of meNot because of you guys
01:02:12That's all I want to sayYeahI feel like I wasI got a littleA littletoo stoned todayand that's just...No, you're great.
01:02:19I'm in my own head then.I apologize.Yeah, I don't know.Fuck it.What are you?Hi?Yeah.Check out, yes, offense.
01:02:26When's this come out?Just thinking about all the voicesyou did in this podcast,how it's going to ruin your career.This will be out Sunday.Okay.Yeah.Just shot in the dark, but Midtown,
01:02:37Grizzly Pear.Don't shoot at something dark.No.Especially if it's the Hulk.I'm doing a show Midtown,Grizzly Pear.Monday, March 11th.Zach Amico's headlining,
01:02:46Rami Rosner's featuring.Oh,Romney Rules.Yeah, Romney Rules.A bunch of...I've never seen Zach,but I've heard he's incredible...He's the band.
01:02:53He's great.I do you not see him.You always make fun...No, he's a great guy.I think he's in this frame.You always always do this.It's very funny.It is very funny.
01:03:02I defend him.You defended his not fat.Like, you...When everybody calls him fat,you're immediately like,and he's a great...We all know he's a great guy,but you don't have to insult.
01:03:11I will tell me.He's fat.Okay.Anyways, anything else?And that's really, yeah,check out my Instagram at Silly Sully.Thanks.Perfect.
01:03:22Thank you.Good.
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