Morning Good - A Tale of Two Broken Penises - Episode 68

Episode Date: March 20, 2022

Thanks to Joe and Joey for coming on the show and sharing about their traumatic injuries. Check them both out for any upcoming shows in NYC or grab tickets to Joey's upcoming tour for one-man-show, Potty Training. You can find Joe Mahoney @mahoneycomedy and Joey on Instagram @thejoeyrinaldi as well as the show he hosts @badtripstorytellingshow. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. All right, and we are here with Joe Mahoney. Yeah. And Joey Rinaldi. What's up, bro? And you guys are wondering how you picked each other. So I had Joey as a guest, and then I went through who liked Joey's Instagram

most recent Instagram post and you were one of the people on there so I was like all right they probably know each other all right like I've never seen you guys in the same room so I'm just kind of guessing

you guys know each other That's a sad way to choose someone someone's gotta like this guy Alright There you go That is ridiculous Because I feel like I've never seen you two in the same room

But I feel like I've been Too many same rooms It's always outside And there's fucking McDougals Yeah yeah It's always like a brief two second Where we're like Man we got to get into

another comedy club And we're like How are you working on further your career. I have a question. Since you are like this psychopath freak who stands in front of comedy clubs all night, all day long, do you feel like you have a better understanding of like most of the people that we hang out with? Because people get to see you when they're not trying to see you. So you get to see them

in like your natural, you get to see them like the natural habitat before they even get to the comedy club. Oh yeah, yeah. A lot of people talk to themselves. You'd be surprised, even bigger name comics will just be like, yeah, take it to the street. Got to go there. Got to go there. Wow. And I'm like, wow. You're fucking psychopath. That's the thing I want to know about. Tell me, like, what, like, some crazy shit you've seen that no one else would know about

except for you? Um, I mean... That one guy smoked crack, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's common. What guy? Some guy asked me for a light. This was like a month ago.

And he's like, hey, man, can I get a light? And I thought he meant, like, for a cigarette. I'm like, yeah, sure. And then he just uses my lighter smoke crack for like five minutes in front of me. Was it a comic? No, no, no. Yeah, his name was Dave Chappelle. No, I was about this being like, yeah, Amy Schumer just slid up crack in front of me.

Classic shoes. I did meet her though. There was like paparazzi across the street and she's like, oh yeah, that's the same paparazzi that took pictures in me. And I was like, yeah, nobody cares. I didn't say that, but. I'm embarrassed to admit that, like, her movie,

I feel pretty. I'll go on record. That's, like, my favorite movie. She's a good, like, I think, like, her later stuff, not as good. But, like, her early stand-up is, like, actually pretty good. Wow.

Isn't she going to host the Oscars or some shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She can do that? I guess. She can do that? Why would they stop her? I don't know. I never think of Amy Schumer as like,

welcome to the movies. I'm Amy Schumer. I don't know. Yeah, I guess she wasn't in a lot of, but they, but they feel like they want comedians normally hosting it.

But then they don't, oh, she'll probably get fucked because she, dude, she's gonna be in trouble because her old jokes, like they always go through

people's old shit when they're hosting the Oscars. And she has about, like, her old stand-ups, like pretty. She's gonna steal the whole monologue,

you know? Yeah. I'm Kevin Hart. That's just started to finish that. I think he said something about a dollhouse. Was that what he got in trouble for? Like if my son built a dollhouse, I would beat him inside of it or something.

Yeah, I don't know. Something like that. I mean, I'm into anyone beating anybody in a dollhouse for not homophobic reason. I don't know how you beat somebody in a dollhouse. He's a guy. He's a rich guy. He's a rich guy. His scientist's working on.

He's probably going to be tiny too. Yeah. That's funny. You see comics not going over their bits just being like, all right, take one step left, one step. We can do this. Let's motivate. You gotta get there.

Yeah, simple tasks. The only people I've seen going over notes, this wasn't in New York, this is in L.A. I saw Jimmy Carr with just, like, stapled pages of jokes

and he was just going through him. I saw Gathkin do that, too. Yeah. Just like, like a booklet of jokes and I'm like, maybe that's why he's so famous because he treats it like

it like a school. Right. But that's not why I got into comedy. I got into comedy, I got into comedy, $3. tequila shots for a discount. I don't know.

I'm sorry. Did you have three before saying that? You look like you had trouble saying that. You're like, $3.00. I was trying to think, like, the worst, like, promo that, like, you know, like, at comedy club you go there and, like, you're just trying to get a beer. And, like, what are then is like, well, actually, the comedians have a discount on it. I'm like, I don't fucking.

It's always weird. It's like you get 70% off of, like, I'm making some weird. I know. It's, like, I can do a word problem. Your second beer is free after you get the first one. I was like, okay. Well, now that motivates me to drink two beers instead of. Yeah, the whole thing's kooky.

Are you sober? Probably not for long. There you go. So you're sober right now? Yeah, it's the winter. You know what I mean? I go through phases. I hibernate.

You know what I mean? That's honest. The hard part is those people that will make it public. They're like, I'm sober. That's got to be so challenging because I have some friends that were like publicly sober. Yeah. And then they drink again. Right.

It's not like they're like, oh, man, I screwed up and off the way. They're like, no, I'm just drinking again now forever. I'm closeted sober, I think. Yeah. I don't like, who wants to talk. Who wants to go out there and be like, yeah. I felt a change. Because last time I saw you, it was like Halloween weekend, I think.

You were, like, doing every shot possible. You were drinking. You were drinking and driving. I mean, come on. You were, no, but you were like, I got my girl at home. I got my side bitch on my phone. What are we doing? I guess I really am breaking up my girl.

And I think you said you're single now. It's kind of still fresh. I could cut this out. No, I don't get off. I would not have brought this up if you didn't walk. I wouldn't open a book, baby. You open the door being like, I'm newly single. Let's fuck bitches.

I'm like, let's talk about it. Yeah, yeah. No, for sure. It's really easy to cut, by the way. If you want me to cut this out, it's not... I knew this is going to come out. Why don't you talk about me getting chlamydia? I don't understand if this is confidence in your relationship

or non-confidence in my podcast. He's like, nobody's going to fucking listen to it. I'll save my whole life on here. Well, you came in and I was going to share it, but no, I'm kidding. I heard you ran away from home. What happened? I ran away from home? Yeah, Nick Tilley, your roommate says, like, you're not home anymore. There's an Asian kid sitting in your bed now.

So anytime you can get out of a basement. to live in a nicer place. You usually like to take it. But now she realizes that I'd rather live in a mice infested basement than be with her. And it's like kind of falling apart. Well, what's going on with that? So how long are you guys dating? I don't know.

But I had, but I had, I subletted my apartment out to this like, uh, this like, I don't know. I thought it was like this like nerdy, like Asian kids. I was like, he'll be fine. And he paid me right away and everything. And then he just like wrecked the place. Like had a rice co-coker. Just throwing stars and all the walls. Dude.

Yeah. Unbelievable. He did co. He was like a Coke fiend. He actually crawled into my roommate's bed naked. Yep, Nick told me this. While he was taking a shit. Like in the 10 minutes, my room was taking a shit.

That's so funny because in this time, Asian stereotypes are harmful, but harmful to the people around the Asian, not the Asian. In a way, you guys, like, had a good, you're like, he'll probably be. Yeah, you're like, he probably won't be like an idiot. It hurt me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Certainotypes hurt me.

Yeah, yeah, that was the opposite of what happens. Yeah. I should have on the gay black guy. He seemed like he had it all together, but I was like, maybe they'll be, I don't know. homophobic because he wasn't as reliable he wasn't cool yeah maybe yeah honestly

he wasn't as cool with what he was just putting you in the hot stuff with paying like he was like sketchy with paying and the Asian kid was like I'll pay it right now I was like all right you win yeah and but yeah he climbed into my roommate's bed naked and peed in it and I was like what do you have to be

what kind of drugs are to be on to climb into someone else's bed and pee in it like yeah there is that whole like thing where like if you get too drunk you literally like we'll think like you're at Walmart, but you're actually in your mom's panty draws. You know what's weird though? He goes, he sounds like a specific incident.

Not like a vague thing. I thought I was in a wall. You know when you get drunk and you. This is your intervention right now. Yeah, you open your mom's panty drawer. You're thinking getting a bunch of nachers from Taco Bell. And then you just started eating your mom's nail clippings.

What are you going to do? This is, once again, it sounds very specific and not fake. It does not sound like something like that. Doesn't every mom leave their nail clippings in their underwear drawer? In your underwear drawer? Her underwear drawer?

Either one. Either one. Like when she's, she's like almost 50 years old now, so she has so many nail clippings on. Is this an Italian thing? You have mice. What? You have mice. Wait, is an Italian thing?

Yeah. You guys have Italian, right? Yeah. I don't know. Actually, Mahoney's, I thought Mahoney's Irish. It is, but it's just one of my grandpas. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah.

My last name is Swiss, but I have like no Swiss and me. No, your last name is good. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, I was one of that. It's good. It's good. It's good.

Good. That's good. Okay. So anyway, they were the gold Nazis. No. I have no Nazi. It's Swiss, but they speak German. Well, I missed you. And I'm glad to say you. You look good, Joe. That's the point I was trying to make. You don't look like a disaster. Last time I saw you, I was worried.

The bar is really high here. Yeah. It looked great for not being a piece of shit. Nice. Oh, okay. Did I look bad? I was a piece of shit that weekend, too. What? I feel like we were both pieces of shit that weekend. That's the funniest is when people are sober after a, there's always that thing where you're like, dude, I got fucking wasted with you.

last night and everybody's like, yeah, that was my rock bottom. I think packed my producers wouldn't tell me about that. We're like, you'll see people out. And the last time you saw them, you got so much fun with them. Yeah, fun. But to them, it ended up being like, they destroyed their life. And they relapsed because they're like, you were a lot more fun when you were drunk. Yeah, of course, who isn't? Yeah. Some people are bad drunks, though. I'm not, though.

No, you're a great. You're a good drunk. You're fucking, I don't think you need to drink, but you know, it always on the same speed. But, uh, yeah. Well, that happened me. I always might be going out with with. Sorry, my way. You're like the only friend that goes out. Like comics don't go out anymore.

Don't go out. Yeah, yeah. Like none do. It has to be in a comedy, you know, setting. Yeah. I noticed that a lot. Yeah. That's the last place I want to drink is a comedy setting.

Yeah, because you don't want to be fucked up in front of like work people. Yeah. Yeah. Or high. I hate like I smoked and went to a comedy club the other night. And it was so like awkward trying to like fucking network a little bit. I was just high as shit. Oh, yeah.

I can't even riff fast. It was just a disaster. I don't know. In my head, I'm sure. nobody. I don't know how I used to like all day smoke. I can't like I can't even process that anymore. Yeah. Did you do you do all day smoke weed?

Dude I'm I would try to get off of these for a while. The five hour energy. You're back on. I'm back on. Let's go. Let's get loose. Why don't you do Celsius? That's fucking hardcore. Is it? I heard that's good. Isn't like the healthy one or not? Well, it's got no calories but it's so much fucking caffeine. I think it's 200 milligrams. So it's like the equivalency to like two is two and a half cups of coffee. Nice. Dude, you get high. If you go like a couple months with that and you drink caffeine, It's like, you're like back on, I might as well do OxyCon again.

Fucking feels great. You know what? I appreciate the openness. Yeah. Thank you for not trying to sugarcoat. Or I'm not going to OxyCon because this is just as good. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're on OxyConnor?

No, no, I did it like years ago. No big deal. Yeah. But you're doing it now? I'm from Long Island, bro. Wait, wait, wait. No, I love Oxicon. No, I don't do it now.

I don't do it now. I don't do it. I don't do it. I don't do it. He's from Long Island. Yeah. One. You know, I love OxyCon.

Because I know the opioid crisis is fucked up. But, like, that would be weird. Why would that have to do with you doing it, though? You're like, because this is a national event, I can't do it. I don't want to be a statistic, Michael. You're not a follower. But I know. That's why it's so good.

I mean, I got the Pfizer vaccine, which is just funding that company. Exactly. They make XNX and everything. But you didn't pay. Did you pay for the Pfizer vaccine? No, but they got paid for it, though. Every time. Like, it's like they got re-

You're funding terrorism, like what they used to say. Like, all drugs. You're flying. funding that. Yeah. But if you do any drugs, that's my favorite. I think I've talked about this before.

It's like, if you bought cocaine, you funded somebody who has a machete in, like, Mexico and has, like, kids in his basement. It's like, your money somewhere down the line

has led to, like, horrible. Same thing with Pfizer, yeah. Yeah, but it's pedophiles. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, but fentanyl...

Hey, look, fentanyls and everything, so I look, OxyCon, probably the safest you can do right now. Well, I mean, it has fentanyl in it, though,

that's what my buddy died. It is fentanyl. Yeah. That's what you got to do. But it's diluted with other fentanyl. You got to do fentanyl because you know there's no. It's a low dose. I mean, if there is fentanyl in the fentanyl, at least you know how much you're doing.

You're like, I'm already dosing. Dose everything as fentanyl. You take two grains of everything. You just get to take a little baby. Whatever doctors give, I guess that amount. Just like a, maybe minus that by 30. You feel like a rubber bottle with just fentanyl. That'd be great.

Which is the hardest drug you've done, Joey. Oh, that's a great question. Comedy, man. you're hooked brother I'm a storyteller I feel like 2 CB maybe Oh that's interesting That was 2CB

It's like apparently it's a CBD? It's a research chemical But I'm tired to call them research chemicals They used to call them designer drugs Which sounds so much cooler It's like we're doing fucking designer I'll tell you the story

I'll tell you the story It's a great story I have a friend who's like just a mess of a person Like he's not a person That gets blackout drunk And fucking like falls off a bad balcony and he has a concussion. You should go to the hospital.

He goes, nah, the Giants are playing tomorrow. Let's fucking drink all day and let's stay up all night and get drunk so you'll be blackout drunk for the Giants football game to watch my base.

With a concussion. Yeah, let's do that instead. Wow. He's like one of those guys. So he's visiting me in New York City and it's this crazy night. And like the whole night he's like,

at midnight we have girls to meet. But then off we till midnight. So let's get blackout drunk until then. And sure enough. It sounds like a mistake. And by the way, there was girls to meet at midnight. There were two hot girls

we hung out with. But before that he was like, can you give me some drugs? I don't know where to get drugs. So I'm like, let me go to the grizzly pair. I'm sure somebody's there. And in this, I don't know if I, should I say his name? I don't say his name. Well, a guy who goes by the name Gary was at the pair that night.

And he fucking was like, yeah, do you like Molly? I'm like, yeah, he goes, do like acid? I'm like, yeah, sure. He goes, well, do you like them together? I'm like, maybe. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what two CB is. It's like half Molly, half acid.

So it's not, it's supposed to mimic. So there are two research chemicals that mimic Molly and At. So, like together. So it's safe. And not necessarily. But it's like it's supposed to. It's like the ecstasy of, well, it's like ecstasy. But with, with, what did you say, acid in Molly?

Like, like, you know, LLST? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's supposed to mimic the effects of both of those together. So it's not like, it's not like there is MDMA or LSD in it. Candy flipping, they call it. Yes. Yes. It's a category of drugs called the two C thing.

I quote efficient, yeah. Yeah. Right. There's 25I, which is like a fake acid than 2CB. It's like a whole two family. Wow. Wow. There's like, wow, every drug has its little cousins and brothers, you know what I'm opium.

But anyways, the experience, let's hear this. So next thing I know, because we just, like, let's get a beat, like, after we take this drug, let's get a one beer at the grizzly pair, watch some basketball on TV. And then, what time is this? We're probably there like a 1030 maybe, maybe like 9 p.m. You're not sleeping that night. If you're taking, like, any sort of hallucin drug. Yeah, no, no. It's like 9.m.

It's like 9.30 p.m. And then, like, I took my phone. It's like 11 p.m. I'm like, dude, we're in the grizzly pair right now. Like, I thought I was, like, in a nightclub disco. Me and Michael were, like, my friend Mike and I, we were, like, dancing to, like, the great music. There was girls at the pair that we were just, like, dancing with.

I'm like, this is the best nightclub ever. But it's just the diviest dive. Why don't we come here all the time? And then, like, Gary comes back and touches me. He goes, you do come here all the time, Joe. And then we met up with these girls. And, dude, it was crazy. because they were like not like as fuck

as we were fucking like I was I was spinning so much game talking these girls and then like we ditch the girls and then it ended up being like 5 a.m. and we ended up like buy some waterfront with some like rich loaded Indian dude with the thickest Indian accent

I don't do coke but just feeding my friend so much cocaine all night wow so he went really hard yeah I don't even know how we like met up with all these people it was like I don't I barely remember the night all I remember is like I was so wired and just like I can do this for the rest of my life. That's kind of, that's a perfect ending.

Like, ending on a waterfront at like 5 a.m. as the sun's rising with some Indian guy doing cocaine. Like, I can't think it was cool. It was just a good time all around. Yeah. He was definitely saying a lot of racist things of the Indian guy. He was like, he was very like, just a bad thing. I love he just did the worst accent.

He's like, I don't like black people. You're like, how racist was it? I think that was a Sam Hyde joke. I don't really watch Sam Hyde at all. He's like some card to network. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But apparently he had some joke. He's like, yeah, I don't know.

I met the most racist Asian guy the other day. He's like, I don't like black people. Which is a funny joke. That's hilarious. It's more racist. It's a, I don't have to exploit that. No, I love it. That's good.

That's good. Yeah. Damn. Never again. You didn't go back to it. You sound like getting a great time. Yeah, dude. Like, I got a hot girl's number.

I made friends like a billion, billionaire Indian dude. They're saying a billion Indian guys. That's the thing with drugs like that, like, Molly. You just make friends with dudes and, like, start businesses. And, well, that's like, Coke, too, I guess. And then, like, it's like, it's like, Like, and then you're like, you can't even, like, have sex on it.

Like, my penis doesn't work. Well, that's also, yeah, I'm also in the boat where I have a girlfriend. So I go out and I just rack up dude friends. Yeah, dude, I got fucking six guys numbers. We're going to hang out every fucking week. Yeah, you know, I got somebody. It was like, Billy, parentheses, Arkansas. Right.

Like, I think he said, Billy, Arkansas, Kansas or something like that. Okay. I had, like, two names. Right. Because I put Arkansas in the parentheses and Kansas is my last name or something. Wow. Arkansas is from Arkansas. Yeah, it was something like that, yeah.

See, yeah, you would never meet that guy. sober or drinking even. No, no. Well, imagine me trying to make guy friends sober at the fucking store. We're all the fuck are you. We're all gay guys at the end, like when we're happy. You know what I mean?

Oh, 100%. Dude, I'm so gay. My happy place, I was talking about this. Like, when I go to bed every night, I picture myself with my boys on like inflatable tubes floating down a river drinking beers. That's like my happy place. That's how you fall asleep every night.

Yeah, I think about my guy friends. Most people are like, dude, it'll be like models. They're like a beach like, not just my guy friends shooting the shit on like a river. Hell yeah. You would sad. That's so much. better than my happy place. Like, like, the thing that comes down, if I'm stressed out, if I'm having a bad

day, if I'm having like an anger management attack. Yeah. I'm like, calm down. You're in like a, like, a casino sports book room on the couch. There's like 10 TVs and you're just watching basketball games all night. Like, like, I... Just alone? I mean,

like, that's all that picture. And like, I'm just like, think... I don't, I don't even gamble. I just like being... I just like being in the sports book room. Really? I love it. It's just relaxing or something? Yeah, everyone's yelling and... There's 10 TVs, There's tons of games going on.

I kind of get that. There's certain places that are, like, relaxing to me. Like, I like, I like liquor stores. Not because the liquor, but, like, there's some liquor stores. They have, like, really nice wood floors. And I'm like, I kind of want to sit in that room. Right. Just lay down on it.

I'll sit in a liquor store. I like airports. I like airports. I like airport bars are my favorite thing. Yeah, it's good time. I was just saying this. I went to Miami this weekend and the airport there and then and the airport back. But both times I was in the airport.

I was just like sitting at the board. I should just come to airports just at the bar. Oh, it's so much fucking fun. But it's so nice. Like, I don't need a flight to go to the airport. Yeah. Dude, I would 100%. I mean, you probably get flagged as like a terrorist.

If you just keep going to the airport just to like get drug at the bar. Yeah. Is it cheaper? No, it's way more expensive. It's way more. It's so much. The bottles are cheaper, but the bar is more. Okay.

What are you talking about the bottle? Like the duty, the duty. Yeah. But the bar is not duty free. Yeah, no. The bar is still a ripoff. Yeah. Yeah.

But is, I like that feeling you're like watching the news. You're like, I'm going. You feel productive because you're waiting on the airplane. Right. Like, you're like, I'm waiting on something. Like, I've already got all the shit I got to get done. Just love yourself. I want to do TSA.

I took a bus to get here. Yeah. To wear a suit. You know what I mean? Just dress up. Oh, no. I dress like this when I go to the airport. I dress like a bum.

Yeah. But it is not like, because you're actually not going anywhere. Like, like you're not going to a business trip. Yeah. Yeah, I was watching like the fucking, I'm not even into snowboarding,

but I was just in an airport bar with like a beer recently. Just like watching snowboarding. I'm like, this is fucking awesome. Yeah, that's cool. also I think the most fucked up I've been is like I don't know I went I think the most fucked up I've been I got back for my brother's batch of party I've already told this story a million times but I remember I was still drunk the next day at like 8 a.m. And I remember I got so fucked up and I got a drink when I got to the airport that I went to the wrong gate like four times like the wrong airline even.

I kept going there and I was like can you please just give it back to New York City. And they're like you're jet blue. This is United. And I was like okay. And then like I went back in the same line and went through and I was like, can you please? just giving back to New York City. She's like, no, this is JetBlue. You're still at your night.

I just talk to you like four times. But it's kind of fun to be like, trying to get like a cab. Yeah. But it's also, it's so funny to be fucked up. I'm surprised I didn't hop in an Uber and try to route my address while I was still a Key West.

But fucking, there's something fun about being really fucked up when you're not supposed to be. Right. Like at a place where everybody else is sober. You're like, look these fucking idiots. Yeah.

You guys are fucking sober. I'm shitfaced. Right. And those are the most boring places always. Yeah. Well, Well, that's why I love getting fucked up before going to, like, school. Hold the mic closer.

You ever said that to me. I talk so loud. People are like, can you please put the mic further away? I'm not sure you're probably picking up. You piece of shit. But, no, I'll yell right to you, Mike. But like, I used to love, this goes back to the OxyConn talk. So the summer before I started high school, I had this traumatic injury.

And so, and my mom wouldn't let me pick. What was it? I broke my penis. Whoa, let's unpack this. What? You know this thing. No, I don't. I don't know this thing.

I literally do a one. Yeah, you know, broken penis. I never heard of a broken penis. I do a one man show about it. Really? I feel weird. This is why I wanted to come into your podcast. Wait, you had a penis problem.

Not to, but you had a penis problem recently, too. Yeah, I had a rash that went away, then it came back. So, it's nice. I was actually praying for you. I was warning. I was just a church.

God, please help Michael is dick rash. That was my happy place. His penis is okay. It's fun. Yeah. My boy's penis is okay. Yeah. Because I hadn't seen a while.

And the first thing you said was, dude, my penis is not working. And I was like, dude. Oh, wait, that was what was not working. Glad you went right to that. Oh, that was performance anxiety. I had a rash shepherd outside that. Yeah, I think that was the rash. Oh, I got tons of penis problems.

It's a sensitive area. Yeah, who hasn't? Yeah. But you broke your penis? I broke mine, too. We can get that. You guys both broke your penises? Yeah, at one point.

Sprained. I sprained. What, though? I don't even know this was a thing. Reverse cow girl. First time I did reverse cowgirl ever. Sprined and then it was like peeing through glass. Was she hot at least?

I thought I had chlamydia before her head. But she had her ugly. My first girlfriend, so, you know, not bad for her first. So, Michael, here's the thing. I will tell you the broken penis story, but first I want to tell this story. Okay. I'm not going to forget about it because it's wild. I know that both you guys broke.

That's actually why I brought both you guys down. I heard both you had broken penises. My mom wouldn't let me like take like the purgousets and oxycodone that they would give me. She's like, you're a strong man. You don't need painkillers. I'm like, okay. But she also left them in my room.

So she trusted me and I never touched the painkiller. That's the one time you should take painkillers because one is your penis. And then two, you can't really fuck on painkillers anyway. Anyway, I was also 14. Very pro-oxy on this. I was also 14. I was really 14 when this happened. So just stick with me.

Okay. So then high school starts. And my penis is better. I'm not injured anymore. And I meet all these degenerates who are like, yeah, man, pain killers are cool. I'm like, wait, if you think painkillers are cool, I have like a summer's worth of pain killers I haven't touched

So I have like five unused bottles You guys want to fucking like go to town Yeah And I made so many friends in high school By just giving my friends drugs You didn't sell it? I didn't sell it I was desperate for friends

Yeah I get that I used to give away drugs in high school too Yeah, you're 14 Yeah yeah yeah yeah My mom like made me lunch every day So I didn't eat like food money Yeah Wow

So anyways I would take drugs to school And it was amazing You were doing oxies Yeah. At 14. That's why I said to you, I love oxies. Oh, no.

I also did Aussies at 40. I'm not just saying this to thin. Can you play the tape back? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 14. I was 25. I was like a pussy now. Play the tape back. I literally opened the podcasting.

I love oxies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys just want to do some fucking on. No, my first time I took them. I remember I was at, uh, my grandparents, they live in Marco Island in Florida, which is just like the most, like, laid back old person community in Florida. Yeah. And it's in like Naples.

And I remember we were staying, their friend rented a condo to us. and it was like old ladies. So there was just fucking, like, so many oxies. And I remember I took, like, three of them, which, like, you're not at 14. And I watched workaholics, and I just fell asleep. And I didn't get to experience, like, the oxy hot. Right. Then you wake up with your legs feeling like their clouds, because that's the best feelings.

When you fall asleep on oxies, then you just wake up and you're like, my legs, they barely work. I never really got a high. The only thing I've gotten high off as far as opiates, like, is liquid hydrocodone. Because I've taken hydrocodone before, and then I fell asleep. Because later on that year, I got my wisdom teeth. Is that what Trump says cures COVID or something? No, that's hydrochloroquine. Which also, I was in somebody's house recently, and I will look through your pills.

I'm not going to steal any. I'm just like, what is going on this person's life? I will look through your fucking shit. If I'm fucking peed. I'll just, like, feel them out. Yeah, I'm like, what's going on this guy's life? Yeah. I thought somebody who had ripped off label on a bottle, and I looked on the bottle, and I looked up

the pill and it was hydrochloroquine. Wow. So I'm like, it's interesting. He likes Trump. Yeah, yeah. You know his political back there. Is that a drug? What is hydrocholical?

So apparently it's actually very, I'm not to get into politics, but apparently, I talk to somebody from Zimbabwe, they use it for malaria. It's like a not dangerous drug at all. It's like a very well-respected drug, but Trump was like,

this is the best drug. Everybody's like, fuck, we can't take it now. But it was like apparently a very effective COVID treatment for everybody who's said, they've taken it, yeah.

But anyway. Oh, good, good to know. Yeah. So your friends either, Trump's supporter or has COVID or both. Or Rogan, maybe. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if I'm being honest,

it was like a female. He said the N-word. so does everybody dude have you said video Robert De Niro saying it in a dirty grandpa

he's in like five years ago really yeah yeah that's the thing he was acting he was acting right yeah yeah it wasn't bad grandpa and like they walked up

yeah yeah it's a prank show Johnny Knoxville I'm gonna say the N word yeah yeah yeah

yeah stage yeah so what happened what's all right yeah yeah did them at a senior home. Yes. That was a topic.

And that's the only time you did them. So, Oxy's yes. And then I took, I think I took one randomly. And then a hydrocodone, like four months from that, I got my wisdom teeth pulled out. And I just took a, my mom would give it to me and I'd save him up. And I just took like five at once. But then I just fell asleep again. I didn't get high. And then, but then in college, I had liquid hydrocodone and I like drank it. And I got really itchy and high. What is it? What is it liquid? How do you liquefy it? Yeah. It's like a liquid. It's like, there's cough syrup. It's not coating. It's liquid hydrocodone.

It's liquid hydrocodone. So, like, hydrocodone is like oxycodone, but it's just hydrogen molecules and sedoxid or some sort of science. Is that like that purple drink I heard so much about? Because I made purple drink once in high school. Like scyzerp? Yeah, yeah. Cizirp is more people would use codeine.

Yeah, I had liquid coating before. And promethazine or something? Yeah, yeah. I think those are similar. So is this, does this count as purple drink? My friend and I... You're white, it just doesn't count. It just doesn't matter what.

My friend and I, we had, like, like, like, I'm not robert, doesn't make that strong cough syrup like Robitocin. We had liquid coating and we mixed those two together. We crushed up some perks, put that in there. And then we took us some sprite and just put the Sprite in there. That's like a lot of drugs. Because like regular cough medicine has DXM

in it, which gets you high. Yeah. I was going to get to that actually. I never done that. I've done that. Robo tripping. Yeah. You call me RoboCups. I robo trip, bro. That's what's up. That's what's up. What's that? What's that? Is it similar to like painkillers or is it No, it's similar to like... But your trip, right?

You kind of... It's similar to ketamine a little bit. I mean, they're categorized as a similar thing. They're disassociatives. So it's like... It feels kind of like the mental state of Molly, but less emotional. Like, you know that euphoria feeling on Molly? Yeah.

You have that. I also, I had double vision. I got... I took so much golf medicine. I've had double vision. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that shit's weird.

I tried playing like video games. I was playing like Halo and I'm like just shooting at like everything. I'm like, what the fuck is going on why this? You don't care because you're so high. Yeah, yeah. But you get really itchy on that. Yeah, like, I kind of like that. Really?

I like weird parts of drugs. I like snorting. I like the drip. You like the drip? Yeah. It's like, get in there, you know? I like snorting too. Like, people would like eat oxies.

I'm like, what? Get it in there. Fucking blow it, yeah. That's why I don't like edibles either. I don't like, I don't want to wait. Yeah. I also one time I smoked mucinex in a black and mild one time. That's like really bad.

Yeah. Why mucinics? Smoking freaks me out. Like smoking. Because you get a pill. Oh, yeah. Because you get high off mucininx. by taking a bunch of it.

This was 14. Like, I don't really do much. Oh, yeah, everything I've been saying about drugs, I'm talking about from like, besides the,

the TCB story, everything else has been from like age 13 to 16. Yeah, this get us canceled more than... No, no, no, no, I'm saying,

like, if, like, society was like, correct? I don't know. Correct? Was which a drug addicts Joe over here?

No, I haven't touched Robotusson, codine, Pergis. I'll be honest. I'm tired of, I always try to justify

things I still kind of do drugs. I'm jealous. I had a hard situation. I had trouble sleeping. And then I had like probably January of this year. I would take like Ambien. And then the next night I'd take Zana's because I just couldn't sleep at all. Because I was one of my friends dad.

Wait, Ambien. That's the hardest drug I've ever taken. Yeah. Ambien. Wow. I've done. I appreciate you're sorry. I heard it by the way. Yeah.

I was like someone going to say it. Oh, what? You said his friend died. You like said it quick, whatever. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We talked about this on the bottom. Yeah, it's fine.

No, it's different friend. Yeah, dude, it's From Oxy's It's kind of getting annoying Like, it's one of those points Where I'm like It's fucking blows And I've gone through horrible shit

I fucking cried a bunch But then at some point I'm like this is kind of annoying It's something like Yeah, get it together Dude friends are inconvenience man For friends is inconvenient to Like I had to come all the way down here

To your pot inconvenience And then I die You're like I gotta go just fucking funeral Yeah I'm not to like we're at a fake eulogy About their wedding or a funeral Michael good He was so good

That it is his name If somebody says that at my funeral, I swear to God. Kill that person. I didn't mean to catch you out. What were you saying, though, something about? Oh, Ambien's the... After you've heard all the drugs I've tried. Ambien is the strongest drug.

If you stay awake, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, my friend, I'll never forget this. My friend, we were like 14 or 15 years old, and he comes over at my house. It's like 10 p.m. It's like almost like, it's late at night to be for like a 14, 15-year-old.

It's 10 p.m. at night. And he's like, dude, you have a crazy night? I'm like, yeah, sure. Like, I just got like the brand new NBA 2K. Like, let's play 2K all night because I love video games. He doesn't take sleeping pills. And he's like, he's like, no, no. What we're going to do is, uh, I've got us two giant Red Bulls.

And here is Ambien. So you're purposely trying to stay up on it. We're both going to take two of these and chug Red Bull. And I just remember telling him like, I don't like Red Bull that much. He goes, dude, we're trying to get high. Just do it. Right. And I was like, well, I, okay, sure.

Like, I just started smoking weed like a month earlier. I'm like, well, weed's cool. So this... Ambience to way different things. And that was the first time I have it blacked out. I'll walk you through what I remember. I remember we tried playing video games and everything was like rainbow.

Like the TV was rainbow. Like it was like the TV was rainbow and there was like three of everyone. Like I was seeing triple or quadruple. And on top of all that, I remember like my brother tried coming down to this who's older than us. And it was the first time my brother like ever like yelled at me.

He was like, you look like a crackhead right now. the fuck you do? I'm like, having a great dog. So I remember that. And then this is what I remember. I remember hallucinating. Right. You do. You can have full on hallucinations from it. And I remember scary hallucinations. I remember that I would see like all these like dead skeletons trying to kill me. Now that's a hallucination. And I would tell my friend, I'd be like, yo, Kevin, I know that you're the only person

in this room. Like I understand that we're in my basement. It's just you and me hanging out. But you also- You're on ambit. There's no way it sounded like they. but like, God, I know you're my only friend of me. Right. Yeah,

but I was like, but you have to understand something. There's like a thousand skeletons trying to kill me and I don't feel it so I know,

I know like I'm alive. I know like they're not killing me but it's happening. Was it fun? Yeah, it was so much fun. It was hard to tell sometimes with you. Mahoney's just like making a list right now.

He's like, what's fun to do? I'm very bored in my life. And then I woke up because I used to, because my sister had a car and I used to sometimes go and smoke weed in her car.

I woke up in my sister's car with all of her weed all of her like paraphernalia all over my lap It's like 5 a.m. And I remember like the next day She was like where's all my weed? I'm like I My friend was like Joey smoked all that on Ambien

Oh Jesus And then he said like I was putting like Ambien In the fucking bowl I don't know Oh my God that's very dangerous I don't remember any of this You're probably like inside a dream Like you're probably like dreaming

While you're awake right Is that what is? Yeah so I've I've taken him before Not Fallen asleep And I literally like I was like lucid dreaming, but I wasn't in control. I was like, I was like a worm, and I'm like totally awake.

That's like the worst nightmare. You're not in control, but you know you're dreaming. But I was this worm and I was like in the ground. Wow. It was very weird. And I stood up and I got out of bed and I remember I looked at this chair and it literally looked like a fucking crap person. But like not like, you're kind of somewhat aware. And it's a weird like haze. And then a couple months

ago, I was like, I think it was like a month ago I took it to go to sleep. And I stayed up and I was hanging on my girlfriend. I stood up and I'm like, I'm going into Jeff Ross's house. Like I would get up and like talk to her and then I'd go into my dream and like I'm successful in my career. Jeff Ross family. He's just so fun. I'm not even like a big Jeff Ross favorite but he's like, yeah, Michael you're great comedian. He's like come check out this vase

over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was his base like? It was nice. I remember just being like enough, but it was like it was like, it was like, hey, I'm going into this like weird hallucination thing. Wow. That's cool as hell. Yeah, that's ambient. So yeah, I will not touch that stuff. That stuff is because the shit out of me. For me, for me, for me, for me, it was like, I've literally only used it for like actually, I have like severe sleep problems.

So it's like, I've only used it for that. Because like, it's It's one of those things that's like, everybody's like, you shouldn't take drugs to go to sleep. I'm like, dude, if you go 48 hours without sleeping, like take drugs to go. You know what I mean? At that point, it's like you got to fucking sleep. Those are real hallucinations, though. You know, I never, I didn't, you know, shrooms and the tree bench wiggled. Yeah.

It's not like a real thing, you know. I mean, if you take enough. Yeah, I guess if you do enough. What? No, I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. That's why it was even lamer. I could tell that there's no wind, but it's still windy. That's, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. are all natural, though, right? I feel like that's not...

Yeah, but so is gasoline. Yeah, and everything's natural, right? Yeah, yeah. Is gasoline all natural? Yeah, yeah. I used to say this argument with Coke because people are Coke's natural. I'm like, no, Coke, you got to put gasoline in it.

And my dad's like, gasoline comes from the ground. Oh, my God damn it. Everything's in the world. Isn't that what natural means? You have to have a gas on Coke? They use gasoline to, like, create Coke somewhere in the process, yeah. Is that why Richard probably got burnt alive

because there was gasoline on his crack? Maybe, something. I don't know. Wasn't processed? Yeah, I don't know. He's trying to make his own? Yeah, maybe. Have you guys ever lucid dreams?

Are you lucid dreamers? Yeah, I would do a phase with like a dream journal and I would like do reality checks every night. And I got to a point where I was like, we're lucid dreaming a lot. But then like, I think like high school started, I started playing more sports. I started dating girls. I was like, I don't care about dreamers. Yeah, it's only to fuck people. I had a friend that did that and he was like a super virgin.

Yeah, I was just like, oh, that's his way around it. That's a metaverse too. I guarantee you Mark Zuckerberg just wants to cheat on his wife. So he built up this whole universe. He's like, it's cool. You can start a community. Just be him gangbanging. Just like...

Yeah. Which is like, dude, you're like a billionaire. Is him in like five black guys and then banging like a woman. But like he's like, he's like, he's not black, but he wants to be like cool. He wants to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's wearing Tim's. We all want to be black guys fucking white chicks. Like Mark Zuckerberg's Metaverse character, just Mr. T.

Yeah. Yeah. It's not catching on. I don't know. I have a friend who's super into it. He's like, dude, it's going to be a huge. I don't think so at all. Everybody's like every single time they try VR doesn't fucking work.

I'm stupid. So you need the Oculus to get in there? No. You can do it on like a laptop. You don't have to like actually go in. You're just like playing the Sims. Yeah. Yeah.

That's lame as hell. Yeah. Nobody's like, everybody's like, dude, everybody's going to be. No. No. Like it's not going to catch on. Maybe it's a beta version now. You know, like fucking.

It'll eventually be your inside the place, right? Yeah, but it's like every time they've tried VR goggles, they fucking blow. Like everybody, the same thing. Yeah. I play them. Everybody's like, this is going to change everything. And you put it on. you're like, this is cool for an hour.

It was like some dumb garage or like garage band game. Yeah, yeah. But not even garage band. It was just like doing this. I've played a cool zombie game before. Like there are cool games. It's cool shooting games. But after a while, it's like it's annoying to have something on your face.

Yeah. Your brain still feels weird. You need a lot of space. Like at some point you're looking at a screen. So your brain processes that. It's like, yeah, some people will get trapped in the metaverse. But like that person would you get trapped in video games. There's not like.

We're in a simulation right now. Yeah. I also don't like the feeling of being isolated in something. Yeah. Like, Like we said, wearing the helmet feels very caustrophobic. Yeah.

Having like my steps be limited. You only have a lot of to take like, what, five steps or something? Yeah. So it's like not like, yeah. You just got to make it that real. You guys are thinking too small.

You know, wearing one right now, baby. No. I like all those like billionaires think that we're in a simulation, right? I would believe it totally. That's probably why there are pieces of shit, though.

They're like, ah, it's not real. It's a video game. That is a great mind trick to put on yourself to be a nihilist. Yeah. I'm not going to make a bunch of money

and kill people? Yeah. It's like nihilist and like super god freaks are almost in similar like positions. I agree. You're broken penis. We got off the topic. Let's see about the broken.

I want. Don't pretend like you don't care about it because you made a one-man show about it. Are there songs to go along with it? Do you have a catheter? His penis is broken. His penis is broken. I take a token.

I got nothing. I hope that's not the play because that is, I'd rather break my penis than here. song you just tried. I can't sing. I can't rhyme. I'm really I was trying to come on your fucking podcast like a month ago to promote my one-man show. I know when I left town. I so I'm my friend who died. So I oh that's cool. Well, your friend also me had a broken penis that he had wrote a show about. So who's doing more? Your friend dying or your friend made a show? I should

have gone to your show. You should have I should have left the funeral. You're right. Well, you know, give us a taste. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just tell us for it. I'm sorry. My friend has a play about a broken penis. You guys get it. You guys know. And Can I tell you about it? I'd love to tell you about you, you son of a bitch. Yes, sorry, let's hear about it. So I debuted it last week in Brooklyn.

It was great. It was a great turnout. I killed, actually. So fuck you, Joe Mahoney. He's such a fucking, you know, grubber. So the show is this. When I was 14 years old,

I was like basically doing parkour with my friends. I tried to do porcourt with my friends. Landed like on a folding chair. Like hit my taint really hard. It made my bladder stop working. and basically made my penis like dormant for a while

and I had to dormant. Yeah. Wow. So I had to urinate through a catheter. But the thing is, you guys know me. I'm like a horn dog.

I'm a party animal. I'm a weirdo. So like, they were like, Joey, you have to lay in bed and do nothing and just have,

and just like get better. Right. And I was like, nah, I'm going to smoke weed. I'm going to like try to bang girls and like still like be fun. And like I make,

so the whole show is about like, me, trying to be like Ferris Bieler from Ferris Bieler's Day Off, but with the broken penis. Huh. You know what on Ferris Bler's Day Off? He's, like, having that crazy day, but everyone thinks he's dying. So everybody thinks you're in the hospital bed? For me?

For me, I was, like, the reverse of Ferris Bieler's Day Off. Like, everybody thought I was having a crazy life, but in reality I was dying. How long have you been masturbating up to that point? Like, probably like a year. Oof, that's a rough time. And then one of the jokes in it is, like, I talk about how we masturbate with the catheter. Did you? Yeah.

And you went inside? Oh, went inside of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We just blew a load in the catheter? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, well, actually, I wish I could blow a load in the catheter, but the thing is that your semen tube and your P tube with different tubes.

So the catheter was plugging to my P tube. Oh, but it still came out the sides? So when I, yes, when I just, it came out the sides. And so I have a joke where I tell my doctor. that I jerk off and my doctor's like, you should have told me this. How come you never told me this for? I'm like, well, I thought you knew

because every time you went to check on the cat that your things would get stuck on it. You give me hope for my comedy because I make the audience uncomfortable. You're making me uncomfortable. And I'm a disgusting human being. Well, I have like jokes and like stories. I'm sure it's better crafted than that, yeah.

Yeah, no, I'm giving you guys just the ugly. Yeah, yeah. Right. But I squirted out the south. But like it's also kind of like, I don't, it's kind of lame too because like, the people,

people who like to go to one man shows and like storytelling shows, they like like a sweet, endearing, like, arc shirt. So, like, the arc that people, like, eat up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, us stand-up comedians will think this is lame as fuck, but people love it. Is that, like, I talk about how, like, before my injury, my mom, like, was always, like, mad at me because, like, I was this asshole who was sneaking out all the time.

And because I was finally, like, not able to sneak out my house anymore because I was, of the penis breaking. I had, like, stayed in my house. And it made me my mom, like, very close. and become best friends. And that was kind of like an arc and the thing. Wow. And so sweet.

It's really, it's a really sweet show. And then the, it's like, is like, is you jerking off like the grand finale, like closer? It kind of is because my mom walks in on me jerking off.

And the joke is that like, I scream because I'm horrified. And then my mom screamed because she's happy. She's like, hooray. I'm like, why are you happy? She's like,

because if you can jerk off at the cathode, you probably can give me grandkids too. Ah, there we go. That's like a big joke. because that's a callbacker's early in the show. My mom's like, I'm like, Mom, I think I could die. She goes, die.

You may not be able to make me a grandma. Like, that's what you, like, and that's a huge joke I tell about, like, the difference between what I care about and what she cares about. Yeah. And now that we're older, now I care about the same thing. I'm like, I care about not having kids. So, like, I kind of am pissed out like it didn't work. Right.

So it's all a dumb joke. Are you still, like, doing it? So yeah, so I did By the name of it Promoted by the party training Okay So it's called potty training For obvious reasons

I'm trying to learn how to pee again And uh Learning to pee again You know learning to walk again by food parties Yeah exactly No learning to fly Well there's two songs too They have learning to walk again

It's a different song But anyways So I uh I uh just did it in Brooklyn As like a debut Just so like Basically You can't go to an open mic

Make into a one-man show So I basically performed at this theater in Brooklyn as like my one-man show open mic because I was like I got to have a lot of check out to work out Yeah, you'd be like I jerked off in a catheter. That'd be like your opening line Yeah, yeah So I worked it out and it did well. It's a 50-minute show and like 38 to 42 minutes of it I loved There's like eight minutes I got a fucking fix. So now I got this coming up. It's like your magnets opus, huh? I'm doing I'm doing a one-man show. I'm doing a potty training in Pottsown, Pennsylvania soon. I'm doing it in Stanford, Connecticut, Connecticut. I'm doing it in Philly. I'm doing it in... That title is a little catfishy. It's like, bye.

I'm doing, um, I'm doing it in, uh, in Jersey City soon. And then in July, I'm doing three dates in New York City at the 59th and 59 theater. And then I, uh, go to Kansas City for two weeks. The theater in Kansas City is going to give me a two, a two week run. And then I'm going to Edinburgh to the Fringe Festival. Oh, fuck yeah. All right. Dude, fucking Congrats, man. Tell the world. Your story. Yeah, we'd be getting shit done. Yeah, for real.

Yeah, I'll beat the grisly pair every night for the rest of my life. Well, climates close. I'll be, uh, my basement. Yeah, I feel like my penis broke. I feel like I got to talk about it. Yeah, people got to know. I mean, I was very curious about it.

Now I know. On to Joe's penis. Killer story. I love how like that, yeah. My story is not, it's not a giant spit. Yeah, no, I'd reverse cowgirl. I spring here. And she was a sex, you said?

I don't even know if I jerked off. What? And she was a six, you said? For a, for, she was fine. She had a nice butt. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Love a nice girl.

Hence the, yeah. And then I was afraid to do that position for a long time. But we're back. Did you have like flashbacks that would have a girl tried it again? You're like, no, I can't. Not after the accident. I got a curvature. You know what I mean?

I got a sloper. And I got a finger up my ass. Ooh. Same night? From the doctor. From the doctor. Oh. Which I was weird.

It was weird to me. That seems completely unrelated. Yeah. Yeah. Now it's what I'm saying. But now I know I like that too. He's like, your penis is broken. This is the only way to get you off now. You're like, what does that happen?

Yeah, that was my new position for a while. I didn't figure by your dog. I never forget this. I hooked up with the girl. You'll love this. I hooked up with a girl. She did cowgirl. Painful.

Like, so uncomfortable. So I was like, you want to reverse cowgirl? How much does she weigh? I was trying to word that. She was like, she was like, thin as fuck. She was like 100-something pounds. So anyways, she, you were talking about 100-something pounds? That could be really heavy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a hundred pound range. She's a little person. She's a little person. I mean, I weigh 190, so I can't just it. So you look great. You don't look 190. So anyway, you both look great. So anyways. You look like shit. She's doing cowgirl. Yeah, I know. It's gross.

So she's doing Cal Girl and it's awful. Let's try a reverse Cowgirl. And it was incredible. And I think this lady has an upside-down vagina. Wow. Wow. God works in mysterious ways. That can be a thing, huh? I don't think she was an actual thing

It's not no I'm pretty sure she's an upside down vagina I don't think so Like the shape is I don't know they were like a top and bottom Yeah All I know is that like reverse cowgirl Clits on the bottom like you know what

Reverse cowgirl hurts with every girl I've ever done it with Except this one girl I think she just Oh I see that's kind of It is a weird position Like it is kind of it doesn't add up Because your dick is not going the right way

Yeah every time Every time I'm like these porn stars are cool. They get to being all these hot girls. I try a point star precision. I'm like, nope, that sounds, I don't want to do it. They come all the way out and like really for show. It's kind of like, you can smack into the ass cheek.

You've done that. That's why I'll watch the porn. I like the porn where the dude has like a, like the girls just pulls some guy off the street and he's got like an average dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, I can't pay anything. I don't know how I like that. I've been trying to do that. They do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They berate the guy and call him pussy? Yeah, I like it. I don't know. It's fun to watch.

I like girls being mean on porn. I've been trying to do a bit about how male porn stars matter. Like, you care. Like, you know what I mean? And the audience sometimes is real with it. And sometimes they're just like, fucking... And I'm like, and then I call them like faggot. I get like mad.

Because I'm like, now I feel gay. Only in Jersey, I would say that on stage. Or on my podcast. Yeah. Well, you... I have a bit now where I'm like... I watch porn for the female porn stars. But if you look at my porn history

from like the beginning of time till now, there's like pretty much... male porn stars are in all my videos. So it just seems like I'm a big fan. Exactly. There's only six guys that really giant away. Yeah, yeah. I know. So it just seems like I'm a big fan of these five guys. You trust them.

Yeah. He'll bring up the best in this chick. I don't know. Who? Like, even if you don't like the girl, I'm like, he'll bring out the best in her. Yeah. That's good. But also, like, why?

Also, if you watch multiple videos of the same girl in a row, aren't you just changing the guy? That's a great point. Right? It's a great point. Oh, the setting during the school now. The guy does matter though, because I watched porn

where the dudes are really fat and I'm not gay, but you're like, all right, this kind of takes me out of it. He's not doing the job. I want a bald, like guy.

There's also a lot like, point of people. I'm saying, like, other shit that doesn't matter. There's a lot of points. Guys with, like, creepy hairstyles now,

but I'm like, oh, this hairstyle is taking me out of it. A lot of them have the, the, uh, the proud boys haircut. Yeah. Yeah. Like, they got, like,

a lot on top. and they got like maybe like a man bun on the... I can't do that. I can... By the way... Because of his political leanings. You're like, you know, I bet you this guy probably. No man buns.

Yeah. Yeah, I need a bald jack guy. Right? Bulls guys get it done. Let's go back to the basics. Bald jack guy. Yeah. I don't know why.

It's like that's not even a person to me. That's not. Shave that shit off. You think that can work out. Who's that one guy? I know you're talking. This is one bald fat guy. Jay Mack?

Maybe. Yeah. that's like a nickname for him. J-Mack is his nickname. They call him J-Mack. Wow, you know him way more than me. Johnny Sins. Johnny Sins is the man.

Johnny Sins is like the... But I can't watch Johnny Sins anymore because I feel like he's like a parody of it. Yeah, he's a one chick too, right? It's like his girlfriend. I'm like, they're a girlfriend. This is lame. What are you talking about?

Is this amateur or pro? What do you mean? No, he's with that. There's one, he's like one chick and a lot of them. Are we talking about the Sins Life videos? I don't know. I know too much about point, I guess. Hey, I watch lots of it.

It sounds weird, but after my friend died, instead of like reverting to drugs and alcohol, I just jerked off so much to distract myself from my own thoughts, which is the saddest thing to do because you're like crying. You'll sound like, there's like a come down too. Yeah, you're like, oh, you're like, oh, you're watching. Do you ever watch porn, you're like, why? I don't even want to watch porn right now, but I feel like I need to distract my... Or I'll just waste hours, like, on one session, and I'm like, what am I doing? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, two hours.

It's so funny. That's why I hate when you bring up sex on, like, a comedy show, people get weirded out. I'm like, I watch a guy. I watched a gang bang before breakfast. Before I ate food. What can we talk about? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, and they all did too.

Did you jerk off to gangbangs, Michael? Sometimes, yeah. I don't know. I like people working as a team. Nice. Motivating. Yeah, like, we went to field day in school. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What about, like, I have white friends that say they can't watch a black guy because they're supposed to be. But it's like, I don't care about being, like, I'm the guy on the corner and that's my girlfriend or something, you know? You like the cuck life. I'll watch cuck boy. I like the girl being mean about it. She's like, ah, you ain't fucking a place.

It's just fascinating to me. Like, why is he doing this to himself? Yeah, right? It kind of is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had, especially there's like a buildup. Sometimes they start sucking the dick down. I'm like, easy.

Dude, there's so much. There's so much cuck porn that turns into the dude blowing the other dude. Yeah, it's so frustrating. I'm like, that's cool that that's a community. It's like they're trying to make dudes gay. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, that's not what. Yeah, I like seeing the girls are trans before.

The cuck sucks the guy's dick. Yeah, sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then my guy kind of ruins the whole thing. Yeah. How is that humiliate? The other guy is getting a... You know what I mean?

Yeah, you're just a... You're gay. You're bi-you're bi-huh. Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Yeah. Sounds like three bisexual people having a great time. Yeah, I thought it was more like a...

You're like a masochist, right? That's the one. Yeah. What's a masochist? Feel pain. Yeah. Yeah, it's like you want to feel pain. Yeah.

I met a guy, actually, at a mic once or something. A black dude... It wasn't really big, but he said... What is that? He said he had... They didn't see you flex your muscles. It looks like you're talking about his wiener. Because you're like, we're talking about porn for like 20 minutes.

I'm like, I'm like, not that big, not that big. Yeah, but he used to, he used to, he used to,

a guy would pay him to fuck his, uh, girl. And I was like, I was like, why, why? And like,

he said he would just cry. He would cry in the corner and like he, I guess he liked feeling jealous. Like he liked feeling jealous. It makes sense because you have that rush of like, jealousy mixed with an orgasm. So it's like, I like,

I like, I like, I like, I'm trying to be like I'm not gonna say I won't watch because that's totally way different situation It's like the same way you watch Incest porn but you don't have fuck your own family

Always thought if I could do that The themes though you're like Oh this is I get why this theme is attractive I don't know It takes me out of it I can't do it I come home like a loving family So when I watch that shit I get like

Yeah it sounds like your family is loving Your mom's concerned about having grandkids Yeah I don't know I'm like the why I don't understand Why I don't understand why insets point exists And like why like I know immediately because the first thing you're told is you're not supposed to fuck people you're related

to so it becomes the first taboo. That's like the first thing you're told about sex like you can't fuck somebody you're related to. I can never find incest porn. It's always step. Yeah. Have you ever like trying to search for the real thing? I do it. Well, I don't want to actually watch people fuck with their family members, but the step is just a dumb because they're all actors anyways. So the step is just a dumb thing

I know. It's kind of lame. It's like clean. It's like clean comedy. Well, porn hub to get PC. They started like I totally get them whipping off like rape porn and taking all that. I appreciate. I get that. 100%. But the problem is like, then they,

everything they have to put a step in front of. And I'm like, it's, it's kind of, like, why? It almost be a hotter porno if the dad died

and the mom was fucking the son. I don't want the dad and mom to be fucking the same mom. I want to be like, your dad died 45 years ago. Right. It's like the mom fucking the son. Because I know they're not related.

Right. It's like, I know these are actors. So it's not like you're actually like, but the step thing doesn't make it hot. Do they think society would crumble and we'd all start fucking our moms? Yeah,

like, No, nobody would. Yeah, I don't get it, yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. The guy poured up was like, we're all just a thread away from fucking your family. You might be. Word away. Yeah, just one word away.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, it's interesting. Yeah. I've always wondered that, though. I'm like, why we need the step? Yeah. Good. Because it also, like, it's a different thing.

You know, it's funny. You, it's funny. The only step one I can, it's more relatable. The only step point I can really enjoy is if it's like interracial step point, if it's like a black guy, fucking like an Asian girl, like a white girl. Because I'm like, even though they're calling you, each other like brother-sister, I'm like, you're like, I know they're not related.

They're not related. You're like, I know for sure. I know for sure. There's no chance that they're related. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe we're just white trash and we're like, why are they related? Race plays, that's a hard one too, because I'll watch the porn where they're like humiliating to the guy.

Yeah. I like, P.O.B. where they're like, you fucking pussy. Then I actually clicked one. I started getting called the N-word. And I was like, this is clearly not made for me. I was like, because I didn't know. But I'm like, that's either four black guys who have made this joke before or white guys that think they're black and they're just jerking off that they're like yeah i am the n word you're like only black guys can call me the n word yeah that means i'm their friend but that's crazy because like that

that argument's so tough because i'm like all right you shouldn't say the n word but you are an actress yeah and you're making black guys come so i'm not you know in a way you're doing a good thing this is really weird i had a black friend that that he was trying to get a white girl to call him the n word in bed and she wouldn't and she was like and he was like come on just do it And it's like, that sucks that, like, even when you want someone to say it, it's always the people that you don't want to say it. Yes, they say it. And it's like, no, you should be able to point at someone. Like, no, say it right now.

And then I think he kept pushing her. And eventually she was just like, yeah, eat that watermelon. And you fucking. And she went like too far. He said something else. He's like, I don't need like, she's like, Obama was the worst fucking president. He's like, that's not even when I was trying to get it. She puts a hood on.

Yeah. Statistics. She's like 14% of the crime race. He's like, whoa, whoa. Yeah, quit stealing. Yeah. Way out. Anyway.

you always just smile in the corner he's like I don't know what I want to hop in on this because you're holding back yeah I'm holding back no I'm just thinking about every time a girl has like wanted like me to say something

foul shit to her and I'm always like I'm gonna cross the line like you don't want to you don't want to give me full permission to say some terrible stuff because I'll just say some like heinous thing

I don't know let me think of an example like I don't even know I have to be in the moment. It has to be in the human moment. But I'll probably tell a girl, like, go fucking, let me punch your teeth out. So you can give me a granny-style,

teethless blowjob, you dumb old whore? You're fucking, I don't know. Yeah, it's just like weird. What was that? I am. That's just weird. Are you thinking,

I hope you're thinking that on the spot. Okay, okay, I'm hoping that wasn't something you actually have said to somebody. But imagine telling somebody that, let me punch your teeth out so I can fuck you like your grandma. Yeah, that's pretty. too freaky? I think it's like, you're fat or something. They're just like, yeah.

Because they like, oh, like the, like, slide or something. But yeah, you can just keep it to that. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like once you mention weight, that's like an issue. Yeah, it's a bad move. Wait. Pulling on it. Yeah, yeah. Well, uh, don't do that. I've done that.

What? Little tugs. Yeah. In a loving way or like a humiliating way? No, not humiliating. No. Yeah. Take this out. What are we talking about?

Yeah, yeah. It's so deep. It's so deep. because I'm trying to get better at podcasting. And the two subjects, I swear to God, I mentally disabled people and porn come up almost every episode. And I'm trying not to steer the boat

in a certain, I'm not going to be like, so old are you'll crane. Dude, I've been trying to write clean bits too, and it's fucking impossible. Like, it's just not where my mind goes. I'm the same boat, dude. And I can't tell if it's funny or just corny. Like, I can tell if a dirty joke's funny,

but like, I can't tell if clean, you're like, is this corny? Yeah, but regular people want that shit. And it's hard because it's like, I have a trouble finding. my comedic voice because I think I'm a very sweet guy like I have wholesomeness but I like it's fun to say the bad it's fine I know

I'm never gonna grow out of like that's funny to say the thing you're not supposed to say yeah we're both similar that way I feel like off stage we're both sweethearts but honestly with taro you're a nice guy you're a fucking long island garbage except for that fat thing I just said yeah yeah um

no I hear you ever like think you're a nice guy and then sometimes on stage you're just mean as shit to the crowd and you're like what's wrong with me is that just me I guess I do that. I get mean to the crowd sometimes. I'm your leg just touching, by the way. I know they didn't see it, but I thought it was pretty gay.

Yeah, I'm a nice guy. But yeah, no, that's, I don't know, I've never really snapped. Sometimes I caught myself the other night doing like the, I don't do Jesselnik style jokes, but I caught myself being like slowly, and like doing it and kind of a way, and I was like, ah, this isn't. It felt rough.

Kine backs leaking in. Yeah, hey, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I caught myself in the Joe Rogan, N-word compilation of it. Yeah, you got yourself doing it. Just saying it once in different positions. You know the audience to say? Ted, come on.

Yeah. I was like, that's not me. Is that popping out, by the way? Oh. All right, well, that's the episode. Well, I'm Jordan Aldi. It's going to be over the ring in the back. Yeah, we're going to buy you up.

Check out potty trading. More dates are coming. I'm making a post on an Instagram soon about it. Check it out. I got to show tonight in a bar and in a basement. When is this is this coming out? This week or next week. I probably got a show that night in a bar in a basement.

And your Instagram? Or you're going to be Mahoney comedy. All right, perfect. Bye.