Morning Good - Acknowledge The Kings - Episode 317

Episode Date: June 1, 2026

James Donlon joins the show from the road in Central Florida for today's episode. He and Michael talk about getting scabies, chimping out, and being a core member of the bed podcast universe.Thanks to James for coming back on the show. You can find him on previous episodes or check him out on Instagram @jamesdonlon_. He and friend of the show Paddy Defino co-host News From Bed on YouTube every Sunday as well as Late Night Live in St. Petersburg, Florida.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you Dirty Mike and the Boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the earth. Thanks. Oh, you all right. Welcome to Morning. Yeah. Bout. Bout. Bown, bough, bough-da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

You're listening to Dirty Talk with Mike. Michael Good and James Donnell. James coming at you live from the center of the Sunshine State. Wait, is that not? Sorry, that looks like Drusky as Erica Kirk. Yeah, that's just a woman. That's just a some... It's just a fat lady.

Yeah, that's just like what women in America look like now. Man. She looks like, she looks like Drusky, and I'm not saying this for any harsh reason, because she looks like a man in a wig. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's kind of stuff going on like Steve will do. It's doing blackface. I mean, I always like...

Well, he'll do it. He'll do anything. Steve will do blackface. I mean, I don't know, dude. Imagine, yeah, that's the fear a little bit. Sometimes guys marry a woman and it's like, you have no idea what this one's going to end up like at 56. Yeah.

And then you divorce them and then you leave them. And then... And you look worse than she does, but you're like, I'm not going to marry some fucking hag. It is crazy how fucking, like, I mean, I'm so superficial. Like, I'm just a superficial. Like, with, like, okay, don't the wrong. like have sex with ugly women

but I'm not like like if I'm like oh no this is a like you have to be hotter than me yeah yeah yeah oh yeah I wonder what their standards are

like when they look at us because so many of us are ugly as men yeah yeah like I'm not attracted to men so I don't know what they're looking for yeah I'm not attracted to but I don't know dude I always had this feeling with

the rating scale where it's like women like one out of 10 like women started zero and then they can only go up from zero. So it's like, oh, she's beautiful. She's tall. She's got great legs, big tits or whatever. But guys start at five because guys have so many detriments that we need like the handicap of five. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he's six foot tall, but he's thousands of dollars in credit card debt. Yeah, yeah. But he has a car, but his dad is racist or whatever. You know what I mean? Like women, it's just all up from there because guys are so

optimistic. We'll just be like, she could do anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Women have to be more concerned about being trapped in a basement. Well, I'm like the ugly chick, I think, for women because I'm like not, like, I don't think women are like, I'm not going to date this guy. He's like, no money. And he like, I don't know, I think there's so many things that it's like one of those like where, too, my closet doors aren't screwed on. And I'm not going to do anything about it.

I'm not going to. I'm not going to. Sometimes they like that. I had a scabies scare this week where I might. I definitely don't know. now still have it, but I think that's why my mom put us in a hotel. I think like, like I hooked up with somebody that they're like, oh, I have scabies, and I did all the cream and the treatment and stuff.

Was she a pirate? Yes. What is a scabies scare? I don't even really know what scabies is. It's terrible. They're bugs that go into your skin and lay eggs. Yeah. Oh, wow.

But I thought I had it a year ago, and so I told like five women I gave them scabies. And then I went to a dermatologist, so I didn't have scabies. I was like, okay. But these are just your friends now. Yeah, yeah. Some dudes hanging out on your leg, dude. Yeah, you're fine, yeah. But...

But why did you think you get scabies? Was there movement? Were there eggs cracking? No, it's not like... It's not like that. It's not like you sit down. You're like, ah, I just cracked the eggs.

They're all crawling into my skin. No, well, like, the first time I thought I just had itchy. I have contact dermatitis, so it's new. I never had skin issues at all, and I just get red itchy dots. And it's like, because I'm allergic to something that I can't figure it out. I mean, I think it's fucking bad times

is what I'm fucking allergic, too. Oh, wow. But, uh... Dude, fucking... I'm allergic to vomiting, dude, it's only crushed it. Damn, that's why you're always

getting scabies after your sets. Yeah, dude, they're like, yeah. Every time, dude, that's the only thing. The doctor's like, the only thing to cure this is crushing on stage. Yeah. He writes you a prescription for Kill Tony. Yeah.

Have you heard of Tony Hinchcliff in Austin, Texas? Yes, I've actually already done it. You know that joke about the clown? Yeah, yeah. He's like, I am Tony Hinchcliff. What is it, Papa? What is it? Yeah.

Pagliacci. Pagliacci. The politicians don't know. The guy goes in the doctor. I'm very depressed. And then the doctor is like, uh, uh, you know,

have you tried the medicine or whatever? And he's like, yes, I've tried everything. And then he's like, uh, do you think you might be gay? And he says,

no. Try that. Tried the head. Got scabes. Got scabes. It's ex with multiple men. And, um,

not gay. Uh, he's like, at least get the come out of your ass before you sit on my couch. And then... The doctor's couch, famously.

Yeah. He puts the paper on the couch and you sit on the doctor couch. Yeah. He's like, I don't want to get your... Your mom should have done that.

She should have put paper on the couch versus a man. And then he goes, no, I'm just depressed. He goes, what I'm going to do is I'm going to tell you, you got to go see this clown.

He was a clown or comedian? Clown. It was a old joke. Yeah. And he's the great Pagliacci. Yeah. And then he goes, I am.

Pagliacci. So, you know, you listen podcast. You think it's much of guys having fun, but we're dark spirits. Yeah, dude. Tears of a clown, man. Yeah. Tears of a fucking clown. It's just people don't understand. They don't know what it's like in my sick, fucked up minds. I was on Tumblr, dude. Dude, it's just dark thoughts, dude. You know, like some people, they're like, my comedic heroes, like, Louis C.K. Me? The Joker. The Joker. Yeah, yeah. Joaquin edition. Wakene. That flavor a Joker. I have a car to hand out to people and goes,

I'm retarded. I like the Joker that gets raped in prison. That was unneeded in that movie. That was the worst. It made the first one worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I liked the first one.

I was like, this is a cool take. I thought the movie theater was gonna get shot up, which added a vibe to it. Sure. There was every time I got moved, a guy walked in with a guitar case,

and they didn't even search it. I'm like, fucking gun would fit right in there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think I took Xanax halfway through the Joker because I, the plot was fine.

I wasn't that nervous, But there's just a guy because they were like, we're going to have cops in every movie theater. There's a guy just in a suit stand. You're like, that's the cop. Yeah, obviously. They were so scared about that happening.

Yeah. And then I went to see the movie alone and it was just a bunch of other single guys with backpacks. Everyone just brought their backpack to see the Joker and we all sat alone with one seat in between all of us. Everybody, you're like, I can't shoot another guy. It's all people who were planning on shooting up the theater.

I could have taken out a couple in cells. That would be nice, you know? It's just a fucking wild west shootout of guys. They were all planning on shooting up. the movie. They all run to the front and all start doing some big speech. Yeah, they're all talking over each other.

They all have different motives. Like, why are you doing this? He's like, oh, I'm doing this because Trump's president. He's like, oh, I was doing this just because nobody would suck my dick. Yeah, I'm doing this for Jody Foster. Oh, okay. Well, look, our wires are little cross, but seems like we have the same motive. You guys run to shoot a different movie theater. Trolls, too.

They're not going nowhere. They can't run. They're all chained to the chairs. Yeah. Didn't you leave Patty in a theater once because he thought there was a shooter? This is so funny. We're really high. So from his point of view, it's worse than it actually is. So what happened was we were really high watching this Adam Driver movie.

And I always think a place is going to get shot up. So I see a guy in his backpack and he's opening this, he's like pulling out this thing that looks kind of like a gun. And I was like, wait, wait, wait, one second. and then I walk past the guy and then I leave and then I come back and I'm like oh yeah sorry I thought like I had a gun and then he's like so you just left me here

in the movie theater no you were scoping it out yeah yeah yeah you were doing recon yes I was like yeah but in his mind for sure I just thought that this is crazy that this is a $40

my mom gets Marriott deal so she pretended to check into the hotel and then just gave us the keys and this is nice yeah do you think you're a good shout up here I don't think so I don't I mean I think around here there is some parts

like this is like nice winter part we go all that way it gets a little bit yeah Florida has some little scabies patches that you gotta watch out for

where the bugs live the bugs live yeah you can't be scratching well now I can't say it was gonna say I was just say I was just say eating those rough neighborhood

but I don't want to call black people bugs but you can call black people bugs there's some lady bugs in there oh you're trying to pick some up some beautiful black queens yeah

you've seen that video right yeah oh yeah that I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about. There's this favorite video I've ever seen. There's this white guy acting very black. I don't feel comfortable saying Wigger.

Like, it's technically okay. Sure, I wouldn't go it. Yeah, yeah. I don't go down that road. Yeah. I'll say it as a word, like the word Wigger, but I don't know. I saw Norman say it on Shayshay, and I'm like, okay, so I guess this is okay. I don't know what the rules are.

Maybe they took him out back of Club Shaysay and beat him up after. You never know. No, you was funny. We're still going to release the episode shoot. Good shit, but we got to be cheper for saying. But I don't know. I don't know. It just feels weird saying. But anyways, this guy was like this white guy, and he was, like, talking about Joe Rogan saying the N-word.

He's just, like, white guy with the beard. He goes, so Joe Rogan has a compilation come out where he's saying to N-word. And let's just dig up and see what some of his friends are doing. This is Tom Seguera, huh? This is Tom Segura's Comedy Central half hour. And he says the N-word on it. And he's like, hmm, then this is Tom Segarra on a podcast with Ms. Pat. And then he's like, yeah, no, I just.

don't say the N-word. And he's like, so you say the N-word on your comedy center half hour, but you won't say it when you're sitting there with a beautiful black queen.

Really? Oh, really? Oh, yeah. That's awesome. Just a white guy. I say, I love, a beautiful black queen. I love white guys

that think they're black. It's amazing. Dude, and they always are in the car and they're always recording themselves. Like, there's a guy, he calls himself a pink dude.

Have you heard this guy? No. He's like, he's like, all these women, like, they think like, oh, I'm getting dogged out

by like black man, I'm going to get me a pink dude. And he goes, honey, I used to dog out women for fun back in the day. And it's like, dude, like, calling you have a pink dude. He's like, you don't want to be white. You want to be all color. He's like, I am a personal color. The color is pink.

Yeah. Well, those dudes are always kind of pink. Like, right guys had black archa. And some of them get me. Some of them I'm like, dude, I like this guy. Like, there's one guy, he's, uh, I don't know, he's just talking about. I mean, he says the N-word, but there's just something it feels comfortable when he says it. He just has like a, he's from Florida.

He like was like a bodyguard for like all these rappers. And he just like, see, I don't know. But like some of them like, yeah, or like Chet Hanks. I'm like, I like Chet Hanks. I'm like, I like Chet Hanks. How can you not like Chet Hanks? He's incredible. He's great.

I feel very kindred spirit to Chet Hanks. Harlow, I don't know why I don't like him. I don't know what it is. There's something about me that doesn't like him. He's like performing it. He's not accurately doing something. He just like, like, you know, you ever see, a hot ones the guy Sean Evans he's like oh they're saying have you seen a hot wigger

no yeah there's nothing that's less hot than a snapback a LeBron jersey from the cavaliers but I don't know they're like Sean Evans from hot ones the guy you know the Sean yeah he like is in love with Kiki Palmer the actress and so they do all these things where they're like they're flirting and stuff and you're like oh he actually is like attracted to this woman yeah but like Jack Harlow it gives this impression that you're like he thinks that will like him more if he's attracted to black women. Right.

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. That kind of does. So this is actually a question I want to ask you. So you got to be gay. What's your, you build a man you're going to have sex with. Thank you for asking me.

I've been waiting my whole life for someone to ask me this. I want to dominate. Okay. I want like older little balding gray. Got the money. He's got like thick rim glasses. He's a little apprehensive. Right.

But he'll put the card down at the end of dinner. I'm just chomping, chompa, chomping. And then he just gets to get back there and do what he wants to do. Because I'm thinking I'm getting like a, you know, like I want like a guy that takes care of me. Yeah, yeah, that's a good point. You're on older. I guess a date is different than like, because you ever,

I have this, I'm going to see a handsome guy. I'm like, I just want to be friends of that guy. Sure. I want that guy like in my squad and I'm like, we're cute boys. Even though he'll make you uglier by being around. You're only making him more attractive by staying next to him. But I have a theory on this.

I think, I think like groups of women, you go, oh, they say like, they bring their ugly friends out, but then you go, oh, that's a group of ugly women. Like, versus, I think that theory doesn't work. I think you see a group of people and you go like, oh, that's, I think girls see like, oh, that's a group of hot guys. That's a group of hot guys. That's a group of hot women.

Like, I think it goes a little differently. Like zebras when they all stand next to each other. They fade into one big blob so you can't attack one. They see just hot. Yeah, they just see hot. There's hotness over there. Interesting. I don't agree.

This is mine. I think I'm going to have, there's a specific Instagram guy I follow who, if I was to have sex with a man, I think it would be this guy because he keeps posing these pictures of his ass and I think it's a woman. Right. It's voluptuous.

Dude, this dude's got like a fucking crazy ass that I'm like, I think I could fuck this guy in the ass and think I was having sex of the woman.

Yeah. It's like, he's this small, like maybe Hispanic, maybe a Filipino guy and I'm telling you, I gotta show you out. You're like,

that is a woman's ass. Yeah. It just confuses. Maybe you got the BBL. Dude, probably. This guy has a gay, like a butt of like,

like a porn star. It's crazy. That's crazy. And then like, and you won't, I'll think it's a woman with short hair because he won't post his face sometimes in the picture.

I just scroll through and I'm like, yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. Because you post them upside down. So where you're scrolling, you get the asteros. And he's like,

gotcha. You're gay. No. Gay Spanish guys are awesome, dude. They are. They are. Yeah.

Talk about, I mean, they just, they go all night. Miami is a city built by gay Spanish, Matt. That's the culture there. You like Miami? You ever been there?

I got to do Miami. I've only done there. Like, I've only done stand-up there. I mean, I got to go to space. I got to get like a fucking shirt that goes down to my belly button. Sure. Like a deepest v-neck. I really want to like... Club space is the club that's open 24 hours.

Yes. You got to go there apparently like 4am. Like, I like doing the things. I'll get diamond earrings. Like, I'll do it. Like, I want to do... Like, that sounds so... I don't know.

I like culture vulturing when you're just in a city, kind of like that. Like that idea of like really going in into like, I mean, dude, chin strap beard. I mean, I've already done all this before, but I want to do it in Miami because I think, yeah. Do the braids again? I'll do some corn rows, yeah. That could be a move. But maybe I'll do just two. Like that's kind of like, that's the guy who's actually like a cornhawk, like a Mohawk cornrow.

Yes, yeah. Dude. And then shaved on the sides. Just totally bald and just two. Two. Maybe the ones to go like this kind of like to wrap around. Yeah. Yeah, this is going to be a good trip.

Miami. I'm going to do this. Yeah, you got to plan it out. Meet your big butt Filipino guy. Bring him down there. Get your earrings. Just be a yeah. You just got to accessoryize if you're going to Miami. Oh, well, speaking of white guys, I think black. Here's that one guy who's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like super black, but he keeps banging his trans woman. Keeps, that's really funny. That sounds like, no, no, no. That's really funny. It's like, it keeps banging that it. It sounds like he's like, I got to stop. I got to stop. My friends keep talking to me.

I can't. No, he's like really exclusive. He does no jumper a lot, which is like a funny. That world is funny. I think half it's fake fights because there always be like this guy and this guy fought on the pot. And then like Adam's like, whoa. And you're like... They're bad actors.

Yeah, you feel like it's not accurate. Yeah. I never stepped a toe into the Adam 22 world. It feels like different. I'd rather watch clavicular than ever go into like Adam 22 world. Yeah, I don't know. I think he's cool in the sense that he's just banging porn stars and stuff

but I think yeah it is I don't think he's a cuck I think she's a hot wife like I think he's like milking the thing because it gets more money sure it's very funny

like three black guys who banged his wife he's banged 900 women in front of his wife and you're like I think he's winning but yeah I don't know yeah clavicular

I definitely love that was crazy got mocked by that judge I know. I like that. Yeah, yeah. That the judge was sexy. Sexy with the name.

I think they probably did that on purpose. They had to. It's so funny. Most handsome judge ever. Most of the time it's like a fat guy. We need someone who'll respect. Yeah, yeah. Respect anyone who is ugly.

No, that's totally. Yeah, that's... I watch a couple of these like looks maxing guys that are not clivocke. He's like the king of it, but there's this... I forget he does... It's like looks IQ is something. Like, and that's his YouTube page. And he just watches YouTube videos and he has like these

standards and he watched one of those Jubilee videos where it was like a hundred people try to pick from themselves who's the most attractive person and he's like we need 30 people to leave right away and he's just looking at the people that leave and he'll be like this girl's hotter than this girl why is this girl staying and then it's all their conversations and it's

girls like well I think it's more about confidence and he's like no it's about attractiveness like you're ugly you need to get out of there like that's not what this competition is about it's about who's more attractive it's so funny dude yeah that those are oh I got to check those it chud the builder he was not a He was a race maxer.

He was maxing out the racism. That was like a shooting star. He burned and burned out real quick. Well, I didn't realize this whole video of years. It's so funny. He's being a restaurant, yelling at the Yanor and you're like, you guys don't respect to free speech. It's like, no, you're just, yes.

I mean, go outside the restaurant and do that. And then just like literally instigating black guys. I was like, come in me in my car. He's like, it's self-defense. Like, no, you just picked a fight with somebody like brought them to your car. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And what did he, you know, he shot a guy because a guy came after him. It's like, dude, this is like so lame. Whatever you're going for is like so lame. But so in his head, he is like Thomas Jefferson. Like he thinks he's like, he's like defending free speech. It's so wild, dude. I mean, that's just so odd to me like the N-word thing where it's like, I remember, I forget where it was. It was like a news show where this older black guy was like, if you want to say it, just say it. We will deal with the consequences. Like we don't care if you say it. But people.

some people do. Right. You want to say it and feel good about it. It's like the guys who are like, oh, if you want equal rights with women and men, I should be able to beat up a woman.

And it's like, well, you will face repercussions if you beat up a man. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, and that's the thing, too,

is like, I'm very much like, I have weird opinions on the inward. Like, I think it's one of those things like, I don't think it ever has been funny when I've said it. So it's like the juice

is not worth a squeeze. Yeah. Oh, that's good. I think also like, is that a new phrase you've been testing out? No, I actually think Joe Rogan said that in his defense of saying the N-word.

I think that's great. No, that's really a great way to say. It's not worth it. Like, my big thing was in college, you know, jackbox games, like, where you write on your phone and it's an answer for like a game and it goes up on the TV

and everyone votes for what's the funniest answer? I just always put it hard or N-word. Yeah, it's funny. And everyone would laugh. And there were black people there. And to those black people, I apologize, but it was funnier because you were there and I knew, and my name is like James,

hard-or-n-word. And it doesn't even make sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, that's really the only time I've ever, like, done something where I was like, okay, that was, that was maybe a step too far. Oh, there's a, there's a full video of me hammered at a wedding, like, years ago, where... A wedding? Doing a best minute.

Yeah, yeah. Yo, where my ends at? Yo, what's up? How you doing, Mr. Anderson? You do good. Oh, she a bad bitch. She a bad bitch, not I mean? You got the snap back on and then the Michael George.

Jersey. Now y'all don't get where on from. I can say this shit. You know what I've been through. This is your best man. It was like a post-wedding thing where I'm just getting hammered and like I have black friends down here that like want me to say it. So like a video of me just like I have like a shitty and grin

and like, ah? And they're like say it with your chest. It's like oh it's such an uncomfortable video. But I think like I genuinely like as I don't think there's anything morally wrong with like if you're trying to be funny using it. But it is like a fucking X, Y, X, Y, it's like, it has to be so funny for it to actually worth the thing.

Because it's like, you know, it's like, if I say the N-word, the reason I don't is because it's like, oh, that's just going to upset people and not do anything. Now, I do go back and forth with the idea of, like, maybe if it was, like, in high school, people would just off day all the time with Chinese kids say, and I'm like, I think there was something to people, it did have less ability to hurt people's

feelings, but I'm not going to be the one that, I'm not going to be like, I'm going to keep saying until it's desensitized. And then the Chud, the Builder thing, it's like, well, it's weird, this is your thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you can have a feeling about it, but it can't be your core thing that you're after.

It's a little much. And it's also totally different because he's using it in the context of negativity. Like, he's not trying to... It's like, yelling at this, like, woman and her kids. It's like, why are you calling kids, like, a racial slur? They don't even understand, like, the ramifications.

And then, like, I love the, like, the conservatives. They think they got a good one by, like, the term chimping out. They're like, oh, we, this is great. We're going to use it. And you're like, you're literally, like, just live streaming,

calling it and you're like, look at him chipping out back there. I'm like, you just called him the N-word and harassed him. You're a stranger. Yeah, you are chimping out. Like you are, that is chimpanzee behavior to just harass a random person. That's the same as like a chimpanzee like poking somebody. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I think of chimping out? I think of Harambe and he protected that child. And whenever I see someone protected child, I'm going, this guy's chimping out. Yeah. Like a guy in court defending a child who was molested. Like look at this brave man chimping out in court. Protecting his.

It's so fucking funny. Yeah. Well, man, I do have to confront you on behalf of my podcast audience and I think it's been enough time in here that like you've been doing a lot of podcast in beds. And that's just kind of like you're dipping your toes into like the bed sphere. And as it as probably the vice president of the bed podcast universe, I think there's like a visa process you typically have to go through in a certain capacity. And we talk about you every episode in.

from bed. And there was, you know, you've been doing these bed episodes and we're watching them and we're just sitting there and we're going no, you're not going to acknowledge the kings? Because you're in the queen size, you know? But we're sitting over here in the... Oh, please. And you're sitting over here and we're in the king's size

and we're just curious. Okay, fine. Okay. You want me to apologize. We want you to kiss the ring. Oh, that's what the liberals want. I mean, come on. What game are we playing? there.

This is your Bill Mark? Yeah. I mean, come on. I mean, the woke mind virus. They won't even let you get in a bed for Clubranda.

I still love that he like wouldn't do a podcast of Steve-o because he couldn't blow pot smoke in his face. Like Steve was like sober and he's like,

I mean, oh please, I can't even smoke a join around. You're like, yeah, he's sober and trying very hard to be sober. He did one in with a

pregnant woman and he was smoking weed in a way. He was just hot, hot boxing a pregnant woman. I don't remember who it was. It's like, she's pregnant. Stop smoking for 10 seconds, Bill. Like, it's ridiculous. I bet she doesn't even do it off. He just like,

he thinks it's so cool to smoke weed still. Yeah, because he's like a 90s liberal guy. He's like, oh, religion, get a life. It's like, we are past that. There's wars and stuff. Yeah, I'm a bit of an outlaw. You guys remember when I had takes about George Bush? Yeah. People were born after George Bush who were watching this show now.

they're not. He's so bitter on club random. He's like, that's why they'll never give me an Emmy. Did you see... That was so funny, who was with him? It was the guy from Oh, God, it's the bald guy from the chipmunk's David Cross is like, he's like, that's what you think. You think? They won't give you an Emmy.

Yeah, yeah. Why would your show get an Emmy? It's on at like midnight on HBO once a week. Yeah, it's terrible. Yeah. But I'm kind of bill marring you right now. Like, they'll never acknowledge me on morning. Yeah, yeah. I'm the only guest on this week's episode. I love it, dude.

You guys, your takedowns. You did one where, like, me saying, I don't pander to the feed community. And then you, like, had one of the take your bite. Yeah. Did you guys do a whole kill Tony one of me? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, you're like the third chair of the podcast. Well, you know, we have a sound effect button.

That's your intro. I'm like, if you guys had a podcast and then somebody's wife died and then you guys, like, still mentioned her on every episode. You guys are like, you guys like, well, we can't forget. Michael. Yeah, yeah. I love it. It's very funny. I like being made fun of.

It's like very endearing. And I think like it's, it's always fun in like eye opening. Because like there's things I don't know. Like people do impress me, they're like, yeah, I was out of makeup again.

Like, yeah, I just fucking out of my decked out. And I'm like, that's funny because I do say, I guess I do talk about getting my dick suck too much, but it's fun. It's interesting.

No, it's interesting. Oh, no, no, I was saying it's interesting to hear who I am. No, but getting your dick sucked is very interesting.

You're like, oh, that's where I pee and now that's where you eat. I guess, man. I mean, I spent three hours of the zoo the other day just trying to write something that didn't relate to come. Right. Did you get anything? No.

Because all the gorillas were just jerking off. It follows me everywhere I go. You're like going through a breakup and you can't stop seeing things that remind you of her. Though I can't smell. Just every animal. The giraffe. Yeah, just giraffe just staring at me. Yeah, we had a bad zoo day.

I went with Ben Hur. which great guy, very funny comedian. And so, this is how funny podcast. I go, I don't want Ben to think that I didn't have a good time with him at the zoo. Ben, he had a good time. He's been talking about it since I got here. I had a good time.

It was just the fact that, like, sometimes you go to the zoo and the animals are just hiding. Like, you just have that. So, like, the panda, which I was excited. Spasone is fucking free, dude. It's totally free. Where were you? We were right outside D.C.

So we went to the Smithsonian, and it was like, the pandas were just chilling. the elephants are like way too far away. Like I want to a little fear with it. Like one time my dad took me to a roadside zoo and it was just a chain link fence and a full lion who's roaring at you. You know, like he could break out,

but the feeling, you can feel the roar in your chest. Like, this is good. I mean, you got to go to a place that treats their animals like absolute garbage. Yeah, the fear. You pay for the fear? Yes.

You want to, you want to know they put them on like sedatives, but these animals are gaining a tolerance. So they're going to be, you know, they're like, oh, everything's fine. The door is unlocked a little bit, but yeah, that's what you want. I mean, I struggle with this morally because I really want to go to Myrtle Beach Safari because I just want to hug a chimpanzee because you could just go there and hug the chimpanzee, but that's like the weird, you know, one with, from Tiger King that they're

Right. That's in Myrtle Beach? Yeah, yeah. Really? But I'm like, is my $20, I know you're not supposed to contribute to bad things. I'm like, is my $20 really going to ruin? I get to hug a chimpanzee. I get that forever.

Yeah. look at that money is now keeping that chimpanzee in that cage but uh where's he gonna go i got a hug yeah he can't go home his friends all moved away or died or you know like yeah they died a chimp related death which is not good mike manacusi has a great joke about that he's like uh everybody's like zoos are inhumane he's like you know this is really inhumane the fucking wild he's like because it is like dude you're a chimp bro you're just getting fucking raped and hunted yeah yeah it's ridiculous just for like no reason you're just like standing on a pile of sticks that like a chip man's easted on like the day before and then they just like attack you

and you're like and they go for the hands the face and the genitals yeah because they're the instruments of rape yeah that's like a chimp's biggest fear it's like being raped isn't that crazy we're not that different we're not that different yeah actually i weirdly have like no fear of being raped i don't know you're a man it's just true yeah yeah yeah yeah it is uh uh yeah i don't know it is something that i just don't really like um but i'm I mean, I've been a scenario. I said, like, I've been, you know, like a three-simple-the-guy's wife. And you're like, yeah, they could easily just drug me and just totally just...

Sure. In that case, I'm like, are they going to, like, drain my bank account? That's what I'm worried about. Yeah. Just don't go for the Capital One, please. Yeah. Yeah, that's not good. Yeah, there's a video of me out there.

They were just like, can we take a video of this? I was like... No, my God. Yeah, there's a video that's just wife-blown me. And... Is your face in it? Probably. Oh, no.

I think I've seen that on Twitter. Yeah, yeah. I just don't care. I'm like, whatever. I'm like, wow, this guy's chimping out. Yeah. You're getting very deepish. Dude, I don't know, man.

That is crazy. Yeah, it is really funny, too, because, like, I think it looks so normal and I talk about things on stage. You're like, what the fuck is you? Right. You've a fucking wild life. But I like it. Like, it's not like a, uh,

I don't know. It's not one of these things where I'm like, I think there's some aspects. Like before I've like, when standup was going bad, I did hook up with people, maybe sometimes for validity. I would be like, oh, okay, well, I want to feel good. I didn't think about it that. But like, but like you put it into context, I'm sure I was doing some of that. But now I'm like, no, like, what do you call it? I'm the happiest I've ever been.

But I'm also about to be monogamous for three months. What does that mean? You're going to be with one lady for three months? Yeah, there's a girl from Ireland who's coming and she's only going to be there for a certain period of time So we're gonna Yeah, I'm gonna just date a girl for three months And then she goes back Yeah, I mean we have like a distant connection

Not distant, but like we you know We call all the time and stuff like that So it is like a yeah I mean I'm kind of like I mean you know put the penis away for a little bit Sure I'm gonna I'm gonna tuck it in and tape it Right that's experimenting for you

Yeah yeah You're like I'm gonna try just having a relationship For three months I have like I just have crazy relationship whiplash where it's like the second somebody's like telling me what to do I'm like you don't control me

yeah you don't fucking that's what you do man you go through the fire and you just got to find a balance I think that the like with my I got engaged since my last morning good appearance

but like my fiance respects my resistance to her even though like sometimes she'll be very upset with me like I was indignantly like much fatter just because she'd

be like, it'd be okay. I mean, what if we had a salad? And I'm like, I'm eating some potatoes and cheese again. Yeah. That's what we're doing? Oh, that was, dude, I got so fat my relationship because literally, I was like, what are she going to stop blowing me? And then we broke up. Yeah, there you go. But no, she literally was like, it's just like, if I'm being honest, it's like a little unattractive when your gut is like, and I'm like, I'm like, I'm a man. I'm going to keep being a man. And I'm like, it's kind of disrespectful to your partner to just totally let yourself go. Yeah. I apologize to her later. I was like, yeah, that was wrong immediately, like, just completely not care about how I looked. Yeah. I

I think it's like a, it's like a roller coaster. It's like a graph. Like you'll be like, oh, well, what is she going to do? Leave me? And then you start feeling she might. And you go, actually, I should probably take care of myself more. Yeah, yeah. It's just like a respectful lead.

Like, not all the time. It's like, I talked to some Jack guy one of my friends and he works out two hours a day. That would literally be a waste of my time. Like, I don't think I could do that and be a like professional comedian. Like it just at least at this level. Like, if you're like famous or then you can be like, okay, I have two hours all day. But I'm like, I'm trying to, I'm working fucking two jobs right now. Yeah.

Look at Kumail. jacked because he's already got money. He's fine. You can spend time getting injections in your ass and just working out all day. And he has a fake chin. I will not believe that he doesn't have fake chin. Oh yeah. He showed him a picture of you. Yeah, yeah. He kind of has your chin, doesn't he? No, no. So he's got, I do love my chin. I have a fantastic chin, but I think a good chin normally goes like this and this. Like it's a right angle almost. Yeah. They have this new octagon where it goes out. And then I'm like, nobody's chin goes out. Yeah. here. Like Zach Efron has a weird thing. It's like a botched version of what Kumail got.

Right. Yeah. It's like they have it here and then they get like an implant like midway through the chin almost. So yeah, it is octagonal. Yeah. Well, you know, is that no. Matt Rife is at no plastic surgery. You? Matt Rife. When you see those old, uh, wild and out videos where he looks completely different, he looks like a little skinny dork with bad teeth and it's just crazy. Yeah, yeah. But he really has not. But he really has not. I love women. They're like, I don't think Matt Rice. I'm like, shut up. He's beautiful. Like, I do think that's like, how much money, he spent so much money being attractive for you. Yeah, yeah, he is a hot guy.

Yeah, come on. He looks good. Yeah, but I think my thing is like, when I, I'm weird with this when like, there's some guys I just don't get why women think are hot. It's like, for example, like, Pete Davis's not, I just don't get it. I don't get why I wouldn't think that guy's hot.

Right. Other guys, you're like, oh, yeah, Brad Pitt. You're like, that makes perfect sense. He should be having sex with every single woman on the planet. and it would be like a premonautous thing. I'd be like... He should be allowed to hit his kids on that private plane.

Yes. Is that thing he did? Yeah, I think so. That's why they got divorced because he was like chimping out on a plane with his kids and his... The balls it takes to fight an African kid who's probably been through so much...

He might be a child soldier. And you're like, I'm going to hit this ski. He might have moves you don't even know about. Dude, totally. Fight Club was 25 years ago. You don't got all those moves up here still. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

careful. Yeah, that guy literally, like, yeah, he, uh, has bet there's some shit. I would like to go to Africa. Okay. Not contribute to anything, but just check it out. I don't think there's much you could do. No, there's not. Yeah, I was trying to figure out, it's very funny because you're like, oh, if you just send

money, uh, the warlords or whatever can just like take that and like not do it. And I'm like, could I just like mail like a guy like a slice of pizza or something? I'm like, could I just mail like one guy in Africa? Yeah, probably. Would that be helpful? I don't know. Yeah. Probably canned goods to be better, but yeah, I don't know.

I watch this guy's small-brained American. He's like a YouTube guy and he travels the world. And he like went, he tried to do like the path of like civilization, like where the humans first evolved into homo sapiens and up through like, you know, the Middle East. And it's always funny because he's always doing shit. And then a war happens halfway through the vlog. So like Iran started and he was like, yeah, we have to like go around Iran, I guess. And then he has like an older one where he's like, yeah, I was trying to ride my motorcycle,

but I got stopped because Ukraine's being invaded. But it was interesting because he was in Africa and he was talking about how expensive it is in Africa because every single thing, there's not a good social structure and things built up to where like he would exit a town, he would have to bribe a police officer to let him through and then enter the next town,

bribe that police officer. And he's just like, it's just great. Like this is the problem. It's not that like the people are violent. It's like the systems are just not congruent. How would you not own a machete if like that is going on? Yeah. You need one.

Yeah, no, it's... And you have tigers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking crazy. Well, this was like, like, Liberia's crazy. You know about general butt naked and all that? I've heard. Yeah.

So he's his African guy and he's like, I used to go into battle and then I would eat the hearts out of the people I kill and I fight butt naked. And he would basically just like, he would kill people, eat their hearts out, like do all this crazy stuff. But then he became like, he did a kind of a Russell Brand situation where he's randomly like, I found God.

And yeah, it's weird. it's such a weird thing because I do believe in forgiving people because I'm like I've never been a child African soldier. I don't it's sure. We love judging people with having like no idea what they've been. Like it's very funny. Yeah. To be like. But I don't believe in podcasts. Like I don't believe that you can like if Russell Brand wants to go be a Christian, that's fine. But why do you have to like rinse your whole like reputation like on the internet like repeatedly like in front of Megan Kelly and shit? Well, because I mean, dude, if you're out there raping people. You gotta clean that up. I mean, I think you should just go away in a way. You're not gonna influence the jury. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're not all gonna catch the pod on Megan Kelly. Yeah. Yeah. Did you see that club? It was like, it was like Megan Kelly being like, I mean, if he did this, I'm done with him. If he raped this girl, I'm done with him. And then he goes on the show and like, like, I totally didn't do it. No, he's like, no, I did rape her.

And Megan Kelly's like, well, like, what do you mean by like? Like, she completely, like, backed all. He just fully admits to the thing that she said she would. he admits he raped a woman. Yeah. Because no he had sex a 16 year old, which...

Well, yeah, okay, I guess that's what I mean. It's like statutory. Yeah. Sorry, Russell. Yeah, which is not cool.

I'll say that it's not cool. Well, it's cool. It's not legal. It's not illegal in the UK. Yeah, it's really funny because we all act like, everybody acts like they really care about pedophilia. And then,

like, we've never once gone to war to stop it and, like, every country does it. We've actually teamed up with them so much. many times. Like, you know, like in Afghanistan,

they literally would be like a thing where they would warn platoons. They'd be like, okay, so you guys these guys have like, you know, uh, concubines? Yeah, they're like, this is like, a pretty boy Thursdays where these, they just bring

out little boys and burkas and like, I don't think like, like, like they would have to like just fight with these people who are like literally they have like, because they're, it's so crazy how it works because it's like, they think that like they're very anti-gay sex

but they think having sex no no this is what it is it's apparently it's such an odd thing I think they think that like women are so low that it's like more respectable to fuck a little boy or it's like so insane

interesting it's so fucked up George Bush thank you for attacking them cut that shit the fuck out dude that's weird it is so absurd dude it's like I made a joke about it one time. It would be so funny of all these Syrian refugees

came here and they had like child wives and it was like a problem and that happened. People were like, people were like, people like wife. They're like, she's fucking like 10, dude.

No. And they're like, come on. Dude, come on. It's like, no. It's like, came all this way. We let's noddy, naughty.

We need to some finger wagging at these fucking. Maybe we'd go to war to stop pedophilia if we could find a way to like run a car on a child. Like if cars could use children for gasoline. Because we'll go to war for oil. But we're not going to stuff. If you're raping all these children, we're going to go in there.

Like, if Iran had, like, a well of children that they used to, like, run their vehicles and their trains. Yeah. Me at, like, the DNC. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If we could find a way to transfer. Cars, no, you're good. Cars run on child innocence. That would be the thing.

Exactly. Yeah. If we could harness the innocent of a child, the innocence of a child and run vehicles on them. We would stop pedophilia. Yeah. Yeah, it'd be funny when we're trying to figure it out. We're like, no, look how long his hair is. He was definitely molested.

He can't, come on. There's no innocence there. Yeah, yeah, this guy, come on. You wear a Green Day shirt. Yeah, no, thank you. No, thank you. You're annoying. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a... When did you lose your innocence? When did I go to Boy Scout camp? I think it would. I'm kidding. I was never really innocent. Like, I think I learned about sex and I was like three.

Oh, And I was like always hump and shit. I was always like, really? Yeah. That's interesting. But I used to think sex is when you peed into woman's vagina. Right.

I think we all thought wild shit. And then my favorite is like, dude, by one of my friends, he was talking about how is, I was talking about sex. And I was like, how do you get somebody pregnant? He's like,

well, obviously you pee in the vagina. He's like, how does you think sperm gets in there? And I was like, I'm an idiot. And then there was a rumor that if you pee in a woman's vagina, it kills her.

Right. Which I've seen videos of. this not. Bonnie Blue. I think I saw that the other day. I was like, I was just scrolling through Bonnie Blue stuff and I was like,

oh, okay, that guy's peeing inside her vagina. Interesting. I saw, I think it was the other one. I saw, I found a new porn. I saw a woman snort come.

Oh, interesting. Kind of liked it. I kind of liked it. I was like, I didn't know you could do that. She just loved it. Yeah, she's like,

woo, and spat it out. I was like, that is, that's talent. Yeah, I was like, that's fascinating.

Okay. Like, there used to be girls who would be like, I can put my whole fist in my hand, or I can tie a cherry stem. You go to the bar and snort my cum. That's how we're going to really get this movement. Is this a Coca-cote with cum? God damn it.

Yeah, she had a lace, you're a fent and you're going to come. Tell Marilyn Monroe. Someone's shit in her mouth. That's the only antidote to ODing on snorting cum. I'm so happy to be here with you. This has been one of my favorite podcasts. I love, I love. My dad, I was talking to the car.

He's like, he has some of my friends are because they really want to know, like, what the ins and outs are of, like, a struggling comedian. I'm like, no, I think we're going to talk about snorting come. I think it's the most. You know, I don't know. Like, I think this is funny. Like, I think it's so funny that I'm like, I'm not going to, I'm trying to do other things.

So, like, my friend. I'm writing a novel. No. The cum snorter. The cum snorter. The cum snorter. Cumb snortar chronicles I try to

I try to pitch it as like a children like a young adult like you know like the lightning thief I'm like no you got to understand he doesn't realize he has these powers that he's like the best cum snorter his dad was the ultimate cum snortarer but he died

yeah he's an orphan and he doesn't have a connection so he goes to this camp where all these kids can manipulate cum I'm a cum bender and he's turning into knives this guy can turn into come

the finale of the movie you know what's your superpower pshk ew everyone starts snorting the kid Oh no It was the worst day

Camp Jiz You ever go to sleepway camp Yeah I never got to go to one I went to a bunch I went to the first time I ever saw weed Was a Boy Scout camp

Really? Yeah those kids are bad There was a kid He did PCP on Boy Scout troop It was like That's crazy Yeah, there was a lot of kids that like It looks good on a resume to become an Eagle Scout

So a lot of kids were like Maybe some of them sucked at school or whatever And then they I mean some of them were just Obviously like full nerds Sure They just like we're doing that They loved knots Yeah exactly

Yeah yeah And then some of them were like No I just This would be a good way to get in college So there's there's some badass motherfuckers My Boy Scout troop Damn Yeah

That's interesting I think they're all still They're all still alive Yeah That's good That's good Yeah Well they have survival skills

That's true If they ever get in a precarious situation and they can make a fire. Yeah, they got the fentanyl badge, which is they could eye it. I never did Boy Scouts. One time my uncle was supposed to pick me up from the school bus stop

and he fell asleep. So they took me back to the school and it was the Girl Scouts were there and they just put me with the Girl Scouts and I was just making craft with the Girl Scouts so I was a Girl Scout for one day. Yeah. They were like, what's the difference?

He's a child. Dude, I remember being furious. I was a... So he did a couple of sleepway camps one of them, dude, like, I think my brother's counselor ended up being like a child molester. He's got out unscathed, but the kids didn't.

Yeah, yeah, the other one. Oh, your brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. God. Yeah, no, yeah. But the counselor got out unscathed. Thank God, he's fine. People don't look at the other side of it, you know. Tony Hinchcliffe makes these jokes and nobody's like, yeah, how does Derek Shobin's family feel? Nobody's once as, they have, that's

their brothers. He's probably got like a woke niece that's just really going through it. Imagine being Derek Shobin's. Noven's niece. That is the worst. I don't know if he has kids, but that would be the worst. Some comedian had a joke about, like, he was looking at this guy at the story. He's like, I know you from somewhere. Like, where do I know you? And the guy's like, no, you don't know me. And the guy's like, no, I know you from somewhere. And then he's like, he's like, no, where do I know. And the guy gets all mad. And he goes, O.J. Simpson killed my son. Because he was the Ron Goldman's dad who was

famously like on TV for the trial. Like, you don't know me. I was on TV because my son was murdered by OJ. God, yeah. I mean, I don't think they showed the Chauvin family at the trial. And you'd all say, hey, show me a guy who hasn't killed an instant black man on camera. And I'll show of you, I don't know. Something else. Yeah, I'll show you something else. Yeah, that's, oh, there's something with that.

Oh, yeah, I met, what's his name's brother or son. Who was the guy who got OJ off? There's a couple of them. Are you talking about the black guy? Yeah. What's his name? Oh, God. I used to know this case back and

front. What's his fucking name? Oh, God. Al, not Al. No. It's not Al Sharpton. Not Al Sharpton. Oh, God. Johnny Cochran. Yeah, yeah. I met Johnny Cochran's like, because my day job is canvassing for a charter school. Oh, wow. And yeah, and I was like, there was like,

Cochran. He was like spelled just like Johnny Cochran. I was like, okay, and he goes, yep, that's my uncle or or something like that. You're like, oh, okay. I don't think that's a good guy. I was like, oh, thank you so much for Sunday over the trip. these two was like, yeah, I don't know. I think he definitely murdered a woman and a guy. You know, hey.

I love theories about the O.J. What are the theories? They think it was like his son because his son had like knife crimes. O.J. like, I think, thought, always said that there was some killer out there. So that's why he left L.A. There's like a famous headline. Like O.J. says he'll never return to L.A. Yeah. Because he doesn't want to sit at a restaurant and be sitting next to the killer. Yeah.

And there's just a mirror next to him. I loved that trial. It was so fascinating. Because they won by making it about the police being racist. Yeah, yeah. And it just became like, well, are the police racist? And it's like, well, did he kill these people? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, they kept the jury there for like a year and a half. And they were just in a hotel and they couldn't leave. And, like, you know, jury duty is miserable. Oh, yeah. And you get paid like $25 a day. It just ruins your life. Well, did you watch the Derek Show. And trial?

That one got really funny because they're just coming up with these crazy explanations. I remember the defense of Derek. Yeah, I mean, ridiculous. Dude, he's like, he's like, see, the exhaust pipe of a car, there's a car here. I mean, look, anybody. You're like, dude, what is going on? It's insane, dude. Yeah, it was pretty cut and dry.

Yeah. They were never going to. They couldn't. If Derek Chauvin got off for that, that would have been way worse. What about we take a neutral stance that makes everybody happy? I forgive you, O.J. Simpson. I forgive you, Derek Chauvin. I'm on neutral.

I always wanted to meet O. When he died, I was like, I just wanted a picture with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because he's out there and he's so weird. He's just such a strange person because he stole his baseball cards. That was the crazy. Yeah. He's, well, like a signed football in his helmet.

He stole it back at gunpoint and then he went to jail. Yeah. And I believe, I might be wrong. Rachel Wolfson's mom is the one that put him in jail. Interesting. You know that comedian? She's from Jackass. Yeah, yeah.

The other guy just started following me, uh, Zach Holmes. I like the guy a lot. Is he? Oh, he's from Jackass? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you're talking about him. There was no. That was just me throwing a thing.

No, I mean, you're just name dropping because you're been on Kiltone and you think you're better than me. Yeah. You keep telling me, oh, you're opening for me, so I get to pick the bed first. Oh, you're opening for me. So make sure you open the door. I had to take his shoes off. He's like, make sure you untie him. Yeah.

I mean, it's like, I'm giving you this great opportunity. Right. To drive nine hours with you to North Georgia. Are we going to stop at a Buckees? Yeah. And you're going to soak these things in. You're going to have kids one day. And you're going to say, I open.

for God. While you're kneeling on an innocent black man. I open for that guy. You go through your own show and trial. You're looking at the camera. You're like, I snort come. I snort come. The whole podcast is just collapsing

it on itself at the end. It's a real multiverse of things. Yeah. Yeah, there might be a universe where you're opening for me right now. I'd be sure, like, I would open for any of my friends. I would for any of my friends. It's such a funny

thing. It is funny. Yeah, like, I've had it where I open for a friend. They're like, you should be the one head. I'm like, that's not how this works. It's like somebody gets a gig because of a thing. Right. Obviously, at some level of works, I went like, but it's like, dude, you had like fucking like I watched Aziz Ansari. I watched Kevin Hart open for

Azizun Sorry. Like, you know what I mean? It's like, it's like just somebody got the gig and yeah. Yeah, you know, it's just how it pans out. Like when when Patty opened for Kevin Farley, Chris Farley's brother, he buried him because he wasn't prepared and Patty was very... Barry buried Chris Farley?

Kevin Farley? He buried him in the crowd. Yeah, it was we dragged him off. We unburied him. We do this once every couple months just to remember how silly Chris was. There's still some fat on him. It's very interesting.

You're so fucking bad. No, he buried Kevin Farley and then the next he had to do another show and Kevin was like I'm going to go first. Yeah, that's pretty sick. And it was like, yeah, dude. I mean, he couldn't follow Patty. And Patty was only supposed to

do 20 minutes. So Kevin did 10, Patty did 20, and the show was 30 minutes long. It was like crazy. Yeah. Patty's so fucking funny. Yeah. Stop doing stand-up. Didn't he try it again like a month ago? No. No. I also get like, I'm just happy he's not out of comedy.

You know what I mean? Because I'm like, do whatever you want to do. We do late night lives still. We do the late night talk show. Yeah. Like there's no like you have to do this or that or stand-up's really the most brutal of it all. So it's like, why not do you just not making you happy? like, why the fuck would you do it? Everyone loves them too, which I resent deeply, you know? Really?

Well, I met you through Patty and, like, I meet everyone through Patty because everyone loves Patty. No, I don't resent Patty. Everybody loves James, too. Oh, thanks, man. We're making a stick out about you. Everybody loves James.

I'm just a little black kid in Brooklyn. That's everybody. Oh. Oh, wow. I'm James. Yeah. I live with my parents live across the street.

Oh, that's pretty much. Oh, there you go. I'm James. This is my friend Stephen Hawking. Ray Romano just somehow becomes crippled by just his voice. So I was staying.

Oh no. It finally happened. I just saw the ground. The aneurysism we were waiting. He gets back up and he talks completely normal. Yeah. That was fucking wacky. It's fucking 45 years of talking like that.

Yeah. Nobody noticed. He did a late. career special. That was pretty good. Do you ever see that? I think it was at the comedy store. I didn't watch it, but I pretty is very funny and very talented. Um, yeah, no, I, uh, yeah, I also like, yeah, I think I'm, I'm fine making fun of things can me. I don't know. If you do something like funny, like, I would make fun of somebody's act if I could do it in a way that wasn't just shit. Like, if you could like do an impersonation of somebody that, but I'm trying to like talk less,

because like, especially with this like whole Tony Hinchcliffe thing now, everybody's like, so what did you think of the job? Like, I don't want to comment on anything, anybody, but he does on joke wise. You're like, and I hate, I hate the way I get harpooned back in because I just see Chelsea Handler on a podcast and I'm like,

I got, I got to, you gotta be a little careful, just not careful, but you don't want to be like rude about something because it's hard to, it's easy,

it's, if you can do an impression of someone or make fun of like a, like a particular quirk of them, that's like something funny because you're like mocking. Yeah,

I made fun of Tony Hitchcl of a thousand times. But like these like long tirades I go on on my podcast about Tony Hinch's I mean, We don't need that. Well, it's also a thing too where I'm like, dude, that just gives people so much ammo.

It's like, you could go to so many of my jokes and be like, this is a fucking bad joke and it's not funny and it's just offensive. And there's this whole industry on YouTube now where there's just

dozens and dozens of guys who just make it. It's like, I will make fun of Tony Hinchcliff for calling himself the hungriest wolf. That is so lame. I will not.

I will not, I don't care if he goes, you can't do mad as his queer guarded. That is funny to me. That's hilarious. It's so funny to me. Yeah.

But yeah, like Brendan Schaub videos like who cares about Brendan Chob like enough you built in your whole channel is mocking comedians and it's just like Burt Kreischer went on a podcast this week it's like

I never understood why anyone was ever mad at Burt Kreischer he's great I've always like 20 he's my new best friend dude he's your best friend he's my best friend I don't know we don't have to get into that I just think there's like this

this machine now where it's like there's these guys and what they do is they talk shit about comedians and talk shit about their podcast and it's like you know it's like guys go make something. Yeah, well, and don't get them wrong. I will do it too. Like, but if I do it, I'll try to do it

be an impression. Like, I'll do an impression of like, there's always that female comedians thing. It's like, uh, I'm single. Wow. Like, that's like, they're like little things like that that I'll like make fun of. But like, I think like, uh, I don't know,

to like, you know what I mean? I'm like, I'm making for that because I think something might be funny in that. I'm not like, yeah, you know who fucking sucks. I mean, I do that. Actually off camera. I will be like, that person got past the comedy cellar. What the fuck?

Yeah. But, yeah, I don't know. But also, like, I'm sure there's things in my act that they're like, that's been done without. Like, you don't know what's hack until somebody tells you. So it's like, you could literally be doing something and then you just never catch somebody else doing that on stage. And then somebody else goes like, yeah. Early on in open mics in New York, me and my buddy Aditya made a list of hack jokes we saw at the open mics.

Yeah. So, like, one time we were talking about how many comedians had a joke about how Jesus was black because he didn't have a dad. and like other stuff. But it would be like Jesus was actually black. Like, okay. Like, why are you all doing the same? And we just built this long list of just like,

okay, it seems like 11 guys have this joke, so we'll just not do those. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's a good thing to learn. Yeah. Yeah, like, I remember, I think the seller thing I saw was with, it was like when Pang Dang got passed there, I'm like, Pang, dang, the guy who canceled my hero.

My hero. My hero? My leash. You're his squire now. Yeah, because it's like there's like jokes that everybody does. I think are bad and I'm like, that's just not funny, but I'm also like, what am I supposed to fucking, like,

sit there and fucking... It's stand-up. Yeah. It's actually supposed to be you come to a nightclub and you laugh and you're not like, well, actually, someone did a similar premise in 2003. It's like, when you're there in person and laughing, if it's working, it's... If you're stealing someone's act like Carlos Mencia, that's different.

Yeah. But it wasn't, you know, it's... He's seeing a guy in the back of the room and then the next show, he's doing that joke. That's crazy. Well, I think everybody, dude, like, I've seen Louie do a joke that I go, okay, well, I've seen that done some. But that doesn't mean his, like, it's different. Okay, I do think there are some people that are an hour of hack where you go like,

okay, you're doing very easy stuff. This is like not. That's like whatever. But that's different than like me nitpicking one person. It's like, because I'm sure there's something in my acting who are like, oh, yeah, that's a lot of people done that. I just don't know. But I want people to tell me that. Like, I don't be like, you know, this, but it's hard.

I've watched my friends do a joke that I've heard a thousand times and I've never told them once. Yeah. I'm not going to go to a podcast and be like, oh, so it's a business. But it is a thing where I'm like, I should. I should tell people like, hey, somebody else has this joke. Because it's very helpful to learn. But you can just, the wires crossed and you just don't know that. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I get that. And you want people to tell you, especially if you're doing like a joke that's been done a million times. And it's just not working. Well, it's just not good. Yeah, yeah. You keep saying the same thing over and over again.

Like, the premise might be there. But you're not actually getting to any sort of unique angle on it. Right. No, yeah. Yeah. I start with that where I'm like, but some jokes I like, like the baby if you're not joke, I put it away because I was like, it's just not working. And then I literally, that, when I did kill Tony,

that was my first time of that joke about like five months. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you pull something out in the moment and it works. Yeah. What are the odds you moved to Austin now? I mean, if he was like, you'd be a regular on the show, I'd do it. But like outside that, no.

Because I'm like, you'd just be starting from scratch in a different scene again. Yeah, and it's like I visit there and people are super cool and put me up. But I'm like, people don't understand visiting a city is the nicest other comedians will be to you. Sure. Versus like, actually when you live there, Oh, yeah. Tell me about it, dude. I moved to Tampa.

Like, when I would visit for Thanksgiving, like shows, shows, shows. And everyone's been very, like, Bob is always great and guys always hook it up and Kenny always puts me on shows. But it's just funny when you come to town, everyone's like, oh, you're from New York. Like, you know anything. I'm like, I live worse than all of you. My life is horrible. But, you know. Maybe somebody's alive, be like, you know, I could get you into the comedy cellar, right? I'll get you in there. I'll get you in there. And then you get off stage. You're a fucking idiot. I don't, I'm not in there, dude. Bye.

You know, just leave it. Unfollow on Instagram in front of them. I might actually do that just because of how hilarious. That's so funny. That's so funny. Just be like, and blocked and you'll never hear from here. Disappear into a bush. I purposely did my worst jokes on your show. This is a life lesson.

Oh, yeah. And when you come to town, you know, like, not you, but like a comic comes to any town. Like, I've been on, like, the road and do certain things. And it's like, this is great. This is also the only comedy show in this small town in Pennsylvania, the tonight. Yes. But that's why I love doing these gigs. They're very appreciative.

They're like, I've had somewhere like I thought the set didn't go well. And people are like, thank you for bringing. It's like footloose. They're like, thank you for bringing comedy. They're all wearing like dress, sun dresses. Yeah, yeah. The men are wearing suits and they're separated by gender. We haven't laughed in this town in 19 years.

Ever since the mayor shot his son and then killed himself. We just thought humor wasn't possible. Yeah. Ever since Jerry Seinfeld drunk drove and killed the mayor's son, he won't let stand up in this town no more. And then you started talking about snorting jizz and we're like, you know what? Maybe we let it happen. Maybe we ain't so different after.

Yeah. I think, I hate this. This is a great time. We do got to wrap it up. Oh, can I promote this? Okay, this is going to come out today. I'm fucking begging you. I'm not begging you because it's going bad.

Tickets are actually doing well. But June 5th, this Friday, Orlando, Florida, 8 and 10 p.m., Alex's underground comedy show. Please come see me. Please don't be too fucked up. I will drink with you after the show I know it's gonna be an issue You're talking to people You could text this too

It's gonna be too many messages I'm just every single person I've been like please don't get too fucked out Clip this and just put it on your Instagram story Yeah please Do you have that problem? People come to your shows And your buds are too fucked up

Yes, it's been a problem for my whole entire life Interesting I don't have that problem Yeah My friends just come up and try to tell me How to do comedy and I go I don't respect anything you've ever done yeah i just i yeah i have a lot of party animals i'm almost like i almost want to tell all my sober friends to go to the 10 o'clock because like how it's on a friday i'm like how drunk can they get by

it but i'd be surprised uh that's hilarious but i love you for being yourself but just please just don't heckle and uh yeah are you gonna come over to st p Tampa while you're down uh i was supposed to but then we're doing these gigs uh i probably will at some point um yeah you can stroll onto a show i know i just How long are you here? I'm here for like, yeah, mid-June. You know what, this is my problem, too. I've done it so much where I do so much shit in St. Pete that I don't get to hang out in Orlando.

And so, like, I'm just trying to do a lot of Orlando. But I'll go to St. Pete. Like, if I am trying to get outstage as much as possible, so I will definitely go to St. Pete. But please, Orlando, Friday. The 8's doing well. The 10's doing decent. But we got to sell it the fuck out. Invite your fucking friends, your enemies.

That weird guy at work keeps sexually harassing you. I'll fight him after the show unless he's bigger than me. Or if he just seems scrappy, then I'll just let him keep harassing you, I guess. I'm just supporting you by pointing at them. What do you have coming up? I mean, fucking listen to it news from bed.

News from bed. I listen to it literally. It's fucking hilarious. I only listen to morning good when Joe Gorman's on. Which has been a lot more frequent lately. No, I don't know, dude. I got shows I'm in Tampa. Go listen to News for Bed.

We also got late night live if you live in Tampa. If you're in Orlando, we do a late-night talk show with a live band, and it's a different show every time. And it's a bunch of audience participation. It's a fun, crazy kind of night. And follow James on Instagram. What's your Instagram? James Donlin underscore. Perfect. All right. Well, thank you. Thank you.