Morning Good - Addicted to the Game - Episode 256

Episode Date: February 9, 2025

Tom Zappia and Brandon Barrera join the show for today's episode. They talk about friends who quit stand-up, BlueChew abuse, and finding out Leprechauns and Santa Claus are fake.Thanks to Brandon for coming back on the show and to Tom for joining for the first time. You can find Brandon on previous episodes of the show, and hit the links down below for more from both of them.Brandon is on Instagram @brandonobarrera and is hosting a new podcast/vlog/variety show on YouTube so follow him @brandonobarrera. Tom is on Instagram as well @tomzappia.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. All right, I'm here with Brandon Barrera. What's up? And Tom Zampia. Hello. And, yeah, I actually did it. My favorite was we cut a whole episode with you because my,

X at the time didn't want me talking about banging a trans woman. And Dan brought it up every like two minutes. So, what's up? Yeah, car and dog? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we had to like, cut around it so many times that we had to throw out the episode. My producer's just like, yeah, this is impossible.

And I barely knew you at the time. Yeah, he just kept doing it. He was like, yeah, like that one time you banged the trans chick. And it just kept going and going and going. And I'm like just sitting there like, yeah, sure. And then Mike's like, well, what you don't know is my ex hates that I banged a trans chick. She doesn't hate that.

She doesn't, she doesn't like me talking about sex without her before her. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, you've done so much crazy stuff. It's just like, what? But I get it. It's the girlfriend request, not like a, you know. No, no, it was stupid.

I should have put my foot down and been like, I am going to daily. I'm going to get a tattoo that says, I bang the trans chick right off by just. Well, this is a good podcast story. Yeah, yeah, it wasn't a trans thing, I don't think. I think it was just taking me talking about getting pussy outside of her. But I also caught another one with you. I never told you about this. You and me and Kimbeck did one in the car.

And I just didn't like the way the episode came out. So I lied to you and said the audio guy scrapped. But I just, you guys were great. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, in Miami. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you guys were great. I just didn't like the way I performed on the podcast. So I was just, I totally lied. That was like at an open mic or something in Miami.

We went to, uh, it was like the black box. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were doing the mic or you just there to meet us to do the podcast. That's right. Took an hour out of your day. And I just listened to. back, I was like, I didn't like this one. That's what I described it.

Yeah, Kinnbeck had just moved to Miami at that point, and we were doing an open mic down there, and then you came down and met us to go to the pod. Yeah, it was years ago. Does he live back in Florida? Yeah, he's back in Miami, yeah. He's in Naples, not Miami. Oh, yeah, I don't know why you live in Naples,

brother. He lives with the manager of Off the Hook. Yeah. It's a guy? Dennis, yeah, yeah. We just say his at DM Comics. Oh, he's at Off the Hook. Yeah, but I remember him saying

Off the hook loves Kimback Oh, where? Yeah. Yeah, have you been there? Rightfully said. Yeah, with Kinback. It's a fun spot. It's an interesting,

the weekends we did it were interesting because they brought in two headliners for us to feature for who were like, just those guys that like, they turn comedy into a career somehow and you're like, what the fuck am I doing?

Was one of those like old Italian guys who wears like a vest? One of them was... Old people love that shit. One of those in Jersey where I started. One of them was like an older black dude who didn't, who, like, he refused to perform on Saturdays. He had the whole weekend,

and he was like, I don't work Saturdays, so I want to do it Thursday, Friday. And then the Saturday guy came in, and it was like some guy. He was a Hasidic Jewish black guy. Dude, it was so weird, like, I don't know, he was a nice guy. Then this, the last night we were there with some guy.

That's also peak podcasting, making fun of somebody, be like, well, he was nice guy. He was a nice guy. I mean, yeah, he didn't do anything wrong to us. Yeah, yeah. But then we had the guy the next night who was, like, filling in for him. And I remember going up to him because I was like younger and I was like oh like I've never featured for anybody this is pretty cool so I wanted to get some advice so I was like hey man like it's cool like your headlining like that's dope like how did you get here like whatever just asked some questions and he

goes listen man I'm on my way out you know he's like being honest he's like comedy's over for me if I'm completely honest he goes I suck it stand up I have 45 minutes of dog shit material that I've been working with the last 20 years the only reason I get booked is because my last 15 minutes is fucking phenomenal but I can't because I can't take it to TV because I use music that I don't have copyright too. He can't get in the TV because he what? I love for 20 years he hasn't found a way around that problem. He's like, this is just the problem.

Wait, why can't he do TV? Because he has, he does a part of his act is like 15 minutes where he uses like songs from like famous celebrities that he can't get copyright to. Also that 45 minutes, 15 minutes good is probably the case for like 60% of comics. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's like, dude, I just got my real estate license. I fucking love it.

He's like, I'm engaged. Good guy. Marrying a girl. Oh, at least he's on the way out good. He's not like I'm going to off myself. Everybody who's on the way out of stand-up is like, having a good time. Oh, I love talking to my friends that quit. My favorite was one guy. I wanted to say it politely to him. Not TJ, but this guy, we want to say it politely to

so like, yeah, you know, I know you stop doing stand-up. And he's like, thanks for saying stop doing stand-up instead of quitting. Because, you know, it's not like I really at my head. I was like, I mean, you quit. I mean, you quit. He quit because he didn't like doing it but I'm like, that's still quitting. That's quitting. That's quitting. That's quitting. He didn't have a career, so it's not like you're quitting, really. You're just not doing it anymore. But that's what, I mean, if I quit, jerking off, that means I stopped jerking off. That doesn't mean I like... Quitting

mean stop. That doesn't mean I failed it jerking off. They're interchangeable. Yeah, yeah. Also, if you stop doing stand-up, I get to say whatever the fuck I want. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, what are you going to stop me? Yeah, what do you do? You're going to come in and start doing it again? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to come on the pot if you want to talk straight to me. Yeah, exactly. You know a bunch of guys who quit. I'm in a group chat full of probably 15 people that have quit. I didn't even know

that was a thing. Now you just have a regular group chat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anybody who I think I, who I think I knew. at some point or started with whatever quit? I don't even talk to them anymore. Yeah, I shun them. It's like an Amish village. I just like never,

I won't make eye contact with them. It is, but it is funny though, like, obviously, like our friends are always going to be our friends. But when they do stop doing stand-up, it is, I find it harder to keep up with them. Oh, totally.

And it's on them. I have all the time in the world to keep up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they don't, like, I call TJ their day for the first time for like two months. Yeah, yeah, was he like? He sounds amazing.

He's doing great. He seemed really happy. It's all positive. He got like an ear infection, so he took like a month off. And he was like, oh, I just don't like that. He's like, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I forgot about that. He's like, I just don't, didn't. But for me, it's like, I take a week off and I'm like, I think it was deeper than he didn't like it.

I think it was just, like, a multitude of things that just, like, played into a fact of it was. Well, I think he was happy or not doing it. Yeah, he was happy or not doing it. Yeah. That's the thing. I'm happy you're doing it, but if I don't do it for like a week or whatever and I'm like not missing out on like paid gigs or something,

I'm just like, yeah. It's different when you're like selling tickets or like you're on a TV show or something. If you're just like hustling around, it's like, and you take a week off, it's like,

well, I mean, for me, I'm like a real comic, so I get like withdrawals. I start, I start getting sick. I start getting sick.

I'm so addicted to the game, bro, dude. I'm kidding. You are. I'm just, I'm just, you are addicted. I used to get the anxiety about not performing and then, I don't know,

The more work you get, the more you're like, oh, okay, like, everything's fine. Well, yeah, I feel like I don't, I'm not going to get anything if I'm not around or being seen. So, like, if I don't do it for, like, five days, I'd be like, I could just stop right now and know whatever, no. That's always the case. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You post stories and make it look like you're still doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always, like, when I first started comedy, I wouldn't get booked.

I was like, oh, I'll just get out of the scene I'm in and just go travel around and go do other scenes. Yeah, yeah. Like I go to Nashville a lot. I would love... Yeah, that's the kind of the way to do. I would do that. When I moved here, I'd go back to Florida to do shit. But it's funny, too, I wonder how many, there's so many people from this podcast that have been on this podcast that don't do stand-up anymore. I'm like, they should ask me to wipe that shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, wipe that shit clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, they're not, like, they're episodes from them like, you know, two or three years. How long you've been doing this? Fucking too long. Really? I've been just like four years.

But I love it. It's like, I can listen to the difference so much. I'm like, oh, I listen to the first episode. And it's clearly me, like, a joke I thought about all day. I'm like, wait till I fucking rip this on the pod. And I'm like, this is so inorganic. Versus like, like, I don't know. Now occasionally I'll like, I don't know, like I'll browse around on Twitter for like a little bit to be like,

all right, if we run out of things to talk about this, what we'll talk about. But for the most part, I mean, I mean, my prep for this is I was listening to some trap music and I took a caffeine pill. And I was just getting hyped up on the cast. This is the Florida sentence I've ever heard. Listen to some trap music. No, we don't claim that. We don't do that. Brandon tries to be like the night, like the classier of Florida, but he's still a fucking party boy.

Last year of Florida, I think South Florida and Central Florida are just two different places. They're both trash. They're both trash. Central is known to be trashier. Oh, I think it is. Yeah. South Florida people are fucking just scumbags. Yeah, we're scumbags.

It's so funny too, because I came from like a nice family. They just couldn't, like... tame you. They could not. I'm fucking out of control. No one else is crazy. Are you your dad or brother wild? What's up?

Is your dad or brother wild? Not real. I think they were when they were younger, but like, they're pretty... That's the thing. It could be when you're younger and you're growing up because my dad is a fucking Squaresville. And everyone... calls me that too, because I kind of am, and I'm just like, it's probably just a product of what you're from.

I'm also like, like, my dad is like, like, I think, I don't know if it was you. I think people talk about, like, doing drugs with their parents or, like, like, do, like, their dad getting them a stripper or some shit. I'm like, my dad has never seen in-person marijuana in his life. What? No. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I feel like I could, I don't know, I wonder how much, because my dad stopped listening to podcast because he said it's disgusting. But I would. Yeah. Yeah. If the bar for it is yours. Yeah, he's like, I'm out of us. Yeah, of course. No, but it's like, I wonder, I wonder how much I could say.

Like, there are certain things. The only thing I feel weird about is, like, saying things about my parents. So I'm like, but I'm, my dad has seen marijuana. But I've never, like, done drugs my dad. My dad's very, like, I didn't edible with my mom once, but, uh. Yeah, that's just like, my parents are just like, they don't do. They were like, you know, don't drink a lot, don't drink, don't draw, don't do it. Like, they just like, super old school boomers.

Yeah, mine used to. They used it. It was so funny. There was a couple years. after college, would they be like, okay, you're gonna have another one? No? And now they're just like, he's fucking doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know. My dad, he saw me perform recently when I was down to Miami, and then after the show, he's like, yo, lean in to me a little bit more. You know what I mean? Like, fucking get my ass. I was like, all right, yeah. Because I have been meaning to, like, talk more about him on stage because, like, you just been a piece of shit my whole life.

Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? So it's like, I mean, he left when we were young, and then now he's, like, still, like, getting into fights with my sister. it's like, it's eating into me a little bit more. Kind of let me have me. Like, you can paint me out to be a fucking villain. Oh, that's awesome, dude.

All right, yeah, all right, sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I make my mom look out to be fucking retarded sometimes. Yeah, if you're going to paint your mom like that, like, fucking make me look. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I talk about my parents a lot. They never see, they never even seen me live. Oh, really? I think my dad made like a fucking fake Instagram. Like, they watch my show on, like, YouTube and stuff, but they'll never like.

Well, it's also funny because you show is you with Bornstar. Yeah. Yeah. My son's killing it. Yeah. Well, like, that's my pod, but like my personal. I'll post stand up on my personal. I have a bunch of videos on there.

And he'll definitely watch it. Or he'll watch, like, Instagram reels now. But, like, they're never like, I'm going to come to a show tonight. Or, like, I want. But, like, I also think they know I don't really want it. Because I just get in my head when anybody, any family's there. Yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah.

But I want to start inviting every single person I know to shows. Yeah, it's just so I get that out of my fucking head. It's the best. I want to do the opposite. No, no. I don't like people at shows, but I want to be so exposed to it. Yeah, you get used to it. Because that's what happened

fucking last night. So, like, in New York Comedy Club, the Booker will watch if you asked them to. And I was like, you know what? You know,

maybe I can move up further at the club by having them watch. And I had a fucking horrendous set. But did you do all new? Dude, I got a clip of it.

I got to show you this. It is bad, bro. I'm rewatching it. They did not like it. What's up? Did you do all new? I did a mix.

But it was like, dude, it was, I'm glad I did it because I'm like, I'm done fucking. I'm trying to care less on stage.

So it's like I the only way you get better is making yourself more uncomfortable, I think. Of course. What did, what did the booker say? Oh, they said you changed the order of like the way you, they didn't say anything, they didn't say anything about the jokes. But it was just like one of those two were like, they fucking just didn't like me. And then there's that moment where you go, he's watching and I'm, you know, that like, that moment you're like, I'm bombing and the stakes are high.

But I was eventually, I just stopped caring. But I was like, it was just, it was good growth. It's like, you know, I would like to invite more people to shows because I think like, You got to kind of show the whole world your asshole, I think it's stand-up. The point where you got to be like, yeah, fucking this is dumb that I'm obsessing about this. Yeah, that's true, I guess. You got to be J.J. Lieberman, and you got to just post how horny you are. You got to go.

It's like, it's like, that's like, that's like, like, that's like, that's like, that's like, in case of emergency, press fucking glass. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's a man with no shame. No, he has no shame. He has no reason to have shame. I mean, he was already doing some crazy shit on stage anyway.

It was only matter of time. Yeah. He's like, wasn't he like a poker guy too and like a minor league baseball player? Unless it's all lies. I don't know. Sounds about right. I've only talked to him a handful of times. I don't know if he drinks or not. I can't figure out like I drinks.

No, he says he, or he rarely, I think he said. It's so funny, because you just assume somebody who's that, like, wild would be, like, a huge drunk. I thought he was, like, a cocaine when I first met him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He has that personality. Oh, and the fact that he's like, oh, I, uh, I invite the escorts over to, like, give me their breast milk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, the sad part is looking at JJ.

I'm like, that is me one day. I'm like, there's no path where that's not me. I'm like, this is me now? That's me then. I'm like, there's no fucking way. You're going to shave your head or go bald. Yeah, I'm like, I'm going to go bald. I'm going to be that horny.

And you know the science behind this, right? No. When you bald, balding is your body releasing testosterone. So he's so horny. That's why he's bald. His hair's like, I can't take it. Yes, that's what happened. Really?

Yeah. So that's why, like, a huge problem with the stuff that makes you go, what's it called? The stuff that makes your hair, All the hair loss stuff is really bad for your dick. And so you're either balding or you've got a hard dick. There's no... It doesn't, like, always effective... Let's cut this, please, because I'm in both worlds.

So balding people are just the horniest people around. Yes, that's why every sex offender is bald. And that's why Johnny Sins is, like, the best porn stuff. Yes, because he's bald. He's Lex Luthor, dude. Dude, that's wild. Yeah, can you guys hold of mice closer? I was always told that your dick not working for taking hair pills,

is a case-by-case basis. Yeah, yeah, it's not everybody, but I assume that related. I don't think it's, I mean, I don't think it's affected me like that much. Also, like, I've been often for a while. It's not even possible to have a broken dick anymore with all of the technology. Oh, with freaking blue chew and those byager and stuff?

Yeah, I have taken truckloads of blue choo at this point. It is insane. It is like, I'll go. For what? Fucking, it's, it's like, well, first off, I'm weaning off. I'm weaning off. There's a couple people I don't take bluechews with.

I always say people. sound bisexual because I always I'm so used to doing it using like non-gender language sure but now it just sounds like I bang dudes all the time because I'm like my sexual partners my my buddy Ramon and I no problem no problems to be in Ramon

no but it's like some people I don't take it for it because like we're just comfortable we've hooked up enough but it's at the first time you want to fucking you want to fuck good so like for me you take them and it's like bro I could have just unlimited dick for fucking two hours yeah and so you do that in the first date you wow them and then the second date

dick half one or you tell them you go look I took a dick pill off my head and they go don't worry about it and you're like all right well now I'm not gonna worry about it but what I realized with the blue true I took a half a one once you get super stiff but then you you still come yeah but then you just stay hard yeah I'm gonna fucking and then you go around terrifying but fucking after you come is the worst yeah that sounds terrifying it's like your dick is so sensitive and like I've never taken one does it work that quickly like you're hard now like 30 30 minutes you got to time it perfectly but it's also funny too because One of those things, too, we're like...

You don't just get hard, by the way. You get, like, the feeling of, like, being horny and the first bit of, like, touch. Get you... Oh, really? Yeah, that's what gets you hard. Yeah, I think it's a total lie that you got to go to the hospital

for, like, taking too much boner pills, because I've taken so much boner pills. No, it's not about taking too much. It's taking... It's like, taking... It's like having a fucking rock-hard boner for over, like, five hours. Like, maybe you should go to the doctor.

Right, but it's like, how much do you have to take? Because I've definitely taken... Why don't we try it? We're talking dangerous levels. Bring them out. My producers... Bring them out.

My producer's like, dude, he's like... Well, how much time you take you in one sitting? Who's thinking about taking more than maybe two pills and... Dude, I took a half because it's like, dude, we're still... I've taken, like, two and a half. At once. All right. Yeah, yeah, because you're, like, really drunk and you're like...

So maybe it's... So maybe it's three. I get hornyer. Yeah, but it's like... Me too. Yeah. So maybe it's three. Maybe three.

Maybe I was right at that cusp. Are you having dick problems? No, I just... I just... It's mental problems. Yeah, I'm the same. I have, I have...

You guys get stage fright? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Sometimes it just won't work, and I'm like, then, like, it is nothing I could, like, it can't really do anything. The only thing I could think of doing

would be, like, Papa Blue Chew, but I don't, I never have them, but, like, I get, yeah, my dick just, I got a, I got a, I got a, I got a, way, I got a,

actually my ex got me this just because I always have weird pills in here. It's a big wallet. You got, you got some hot sauce packets? I got blue shoes. Wait, what's, Flutcher milligram dosage. Oh, these are the strong guys.

This is it. Actually, that's at 30. I'm weaning down. I'm going down. You doing, what, to Lidafil? To dilapil? Or is it the other one,

the Viagra one? I have both for, like, different occasions. So, like, if I'm like, I might have sex sometime in the next couple days, I'll take the Cialis one. And then if I'm like,

I'm for sure bang it's midnight and I'll take the... But it's like, it's like, if I'm, okay, so like... Oh, you add them to your diet, so like, in case you have sex. So more of like, If I was going to meet a girl Friday and Saturday, a different girl Saturday,

then I will take the Seattle. So it works both nights. Yeah, because it's 36 hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're just, what I found with the Seattle is maybe I'm just a horny guy, is that I was just quarter-chubbed for 36 hours, which I didn't like either. I could be quarter-chub for life, dude. Really?

Always just half a boner. It's a perfect, perfect spot to be in. Not if you wear like these kinds of pants. Dude, if I got a quarter-chub going, I try to get the roommates to see it, man. I'm just like, oops, this is what it is. Quarter chob? I'm kidding. But that's why MLB players

they had to crack down on them because they were using like shit like this to kind of like get their fucking testosterone up. It's also good for your like your blood flow. So like people take blue chew and go to the gym. Yeah. It's just crazy. Yeah.

I think we should put in vaccines. I think everybody should be done there. Pressing where the third arm down low. That's insane. Yeah, yeah. Well, my thing is the competition's taking it. It's like being in the league and not taking steroids. You know what I mean?

It's like everybody's doing it. Yeah. I mean, non-blue chew dicks are. going to be obsolete in the future. Yeah, you're never hitting a home run. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're competing with the blue chute man. Yeah. Try it out. That is a weird point. You ever said blue pill men? No, what's up? It's like these old dudes, it'll bang chicks. It's not fucking born up. Old dudes? Yeah, just like,

category? Yeah, well, yeah, well, I think the name of it's the blue pill men. Because like, it's like, you're in that category. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be like a young Yeah, it's all just young dudes, but it's just funny because it's like, the idea old dudes and a young guy who it gets in his head. You ever see, anytime I see a, like, a, whatever, a porn come up, and it's, like, a super old dude, I'm just like, ooh. Yeah, but sometimes I'm like, this is fucking wild. It's so weird.

I'm just, I'm still infatuated by the fact that you take this, like, with a regular, like, diet. Like, you got your, like, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, pills set out, and it's all. No, so, like, I deleted the dating apps for all of January. Dry January. Until, okay, like, the last four days, I was like, whatever. We're almost done.

So, I, like, barely took it in January. Like, I would say I took it, like, twice in January. Oh, okay, it's not that bad. Yeah, yeah. But, um... It never gives you a headache? It does give me a headache.

Yeah, I'd rather have a headache. I get sign effects. I go blinded and I. You're ringing. He's like, I'm severely depressed. I'm losing teeth, but boy, do I not want to soft dick. That's funny.

Um, no, I don't know. It's my favorite activity is having sex, so I'm like, I don't know, but it's like, I'm working my way off. I mean, my therapist talk about it. And, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna get off the blue. You know, That'll be by 2020.

What year is it? You talk to your therapist about this? You go to therapy? Yeah, dude. You're not piggy as a therapy guy. Yeah, yeah, I know. She's cool. What, what do you mean?

You tell her about it. You're so fucking out there. Yeah, you're so doing a therapy guy. What's the point of a therapist? You don't tell them about your life. Good for you. I mean, I wouldn't be able to divulge that kind of information to it. I couldn't tell them what I did, what I ate for breakfast.

Dude, I told her I've been doing it. Dominators. I'm telling her such specific stuff. Well, the whole rule is she can't say anything, right? She's like, yeah, this is fucking great. I love this. Yeah, she's like, lean in, get wild. Really?

She's like your dad at comedy shows. Is she like topless while you do it? No, no, no, no. They should have topless therapists. Wait, um, but they, there's no way these therapists and they don't go home and tell their spouse or her friends ever. Oh, I'm sure that this guy's fucking weird. Yeah.

But, um, it's got to be fun job to, like, tell your friends. Like, if I had a friend who was a therapist. Is she laughing with you? Like, are you making her laugh? Or is she like, that's interesting. No, she's cool as fuck. What is like an older woman? Yeah, she's like 45.

She also puts shit into context. So you're like, you know, yeah, it's weird that this girl peed on me. She's like, I haven't married for 50 years or fine. Like, she's not like, she's not immediately like, she doesn't say I've been married. But like, when you have like an older woman therapist, they put shit into context that you're like, oh, okay, this is not a big deal. None of the, you know what I mean? It's like, and she will tell me like sometimes. She's like, yeah, well, if you have no money, then you should not be on the dating apps.

Like, she's like, for January, I'm like, yeah, I don't really have money to go on date. She's like, yeah, then you should not be going on dates. You're like, I also have no money to pay you. And she goes, yeah, you should get off this. Just hangs up. Get off this webcam right down. Is it Zoom or in person? Zoom.

Zoom or I could probably pull off. I just walk around the neighborhood talking about all my business. You've never met her in person. No, no, no. You're not allowed to. She might not have legs. Isn't it crazy? Relations, yeah.

Like, for my job and you work with people and you've never met them in person? Oh, also. I hate to fucking keep. I hate to be the microphone guy. But I think this might be not good because it might. Sorry, everyone. Yeah, it's fine, yeah. Wait, is she hot?

Yeah, of course, yeah I want to have sex with her, yeah. Really? Yeah, of course, yeah. Yeah, of course, I want to have sex with her. Yeah, I would never have the opportunity. You think you're getting to get you to vibe? Why, she's married?

I mean, there's just no way. So first of it's, like, very illegal for therapists to fuck their patients. Yeah, but like they do. A lot of things are illegal, Mikey G, you're from Central Florida. I don't think she, we just have a weird motherly son relationship, but we're not related. Really? That's my favorite kind of porn.

Do your folks go to therapy? No. Do they know you're in therapy? Yeah. Wild. Yeah, yeah. They know, yeah, and they're like... That's wild.

Yeah, it's like... What is it? That's... I don't think that's wild. It's just a... I don't know. I feel like if you're in therapy, one of your both your parents

might be in therapy. Is that weird? Is that weird, does that? My parents are both pretty fucking... It might be the most emotionally and mentally stable people I know. Yeah? Yeah, they got their shit fucking...

And I'm, like, pretty good. I think I have, like, adjustments. But, like, I think... I'm, like, like a pretty overall happy guy. I think I have an anxiousness that I like work on, but like... I'm not anti-therapy. I'm just like, is after like a few sessions, what is it? What is it?

Is it like, are you feel accomplished every time you're done talking with it? Dude, it's 180 completely. Really? I feel 100% times better. This is like a better help ad. I'll like clip this. Yeah, right? You feel like your...

You should get sponsored. You should get sponsored. You feel like you're opening up as a person? Well, it's like I'll say shit and then she'll explain this shit. Like, basically she'll be like, for example, when I was like, part of the time in the breakup. I was like, I don't know. Like, you know, maybe I should get out of my ex, all the stuff. And she's like, well, just think about this.

She's like, I remember the conversation. I have notes on the conversation. She had you were very, like, not happy in the relationship. So she brings up shit like that where you're like, oh, shit, I didn't realize. She's talked to me for years. So she knows me. And she notices things about me. She notices patterns of behavior.

And so she'll be like, yeah, no, you actually weren't happier in the relationship. These are all these notes where you were like anxious, depressed, all this shit when when you're in the relationship. So actually, you overall seem better now than you were then. How'd you find her? You gotta sift through me. You got some fucking stupid ones. I had this one bitch.

She kept me going like, she'd be like, I'll be like, yeah, I got a mustache. That's kind of funny and weird. She's like, why do you think mustaches are weird? And I'm like, oh, you're just fucking stupid. You're just asking questions. That'd be my fear, too, if they, like, don't have a sense of humor. Like, comments is it like they talk about that therapist

who a bunch of comics go to? And it's like, if they can't take, like, you ever have a conversation with someone who's, like, not a comic? And they're like, you're clearly being sarcastic or doing a joke. And they're just like, what do you mean? It's just like, how do you not get that? I'm joking right now. It's like when you're listening to a Rogan episode.

Yeah, no, that's what it's... Oh, so how long have you been going to her for a while? For years, yeah. But the mustache girl is somebody to do it. It's like, that's what you say, you keep asking questions. That's like a dating tactic. Right. You know what I mean?

The conversation goes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it has no, you have no reason to ask that question. Yeah, yeah. And also, I have fucking OCD, so my therapist can, like, explain what's an OCD thought and what's a rational thought. So she's like, this is you being irrational. This is you being rational.

This is actually something to worry about. she's older, she puts shit into context where she's just like, you're fucking 28, go out there, get some fucking pussy, dude. She said it like that? No, no, no, no, no. I'm like, I got to say that. It's paraphrasing. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, but she's just like, yeah, have fun. But then, you know, then she's like, all right, well, you know, you've been late on a couple payments, so you maybe go on less dates and pay me. She's funny. Is she expensive? Yeah, my parents pay for therapy, though. Oh, your parents' favorite? Yeah, I am.

But they're like, you need to find somebody in network, so it's not, because it's $140 a week. That's a lot. Yeah, but I don't go every week. So it's like, initially, if you're going through something bad, you go like every week, but then it's like, I see your way less now. What, once a month? Yeah, probably, I am.

Yeah. But I'm telling you, bro, it's fucking 180. And it's like, I don't know. It's weird because people will go to the doctors like for other shit, but then they won't go for their fucking brain. And I'm like, dude, if you're fucking unhappy, you got to, and people try the antidepressant shit too fast, bro. People are, like, depressed and they just take anti-depressants.

Oh, fuck all that shit. I've never been on medication. I mean, yeah, I'm terrified of antidepressing. I never will if I can. control it. I didn't come from medication family. I came from fucking, bro, my dad was anti, but my mom put me on Adderall fucking young. Really?

Oh, nothing like that. You do my... You think that has something to do with the OCD? Oh, yeah, totally. Because, like, I thought God, like, they're like, we'll raise them religious. They're like, we'll raise him religious and we'll put him on medication so that he works hard in school and is well-rounded, but I was really just masturbating my room. Like,

why does God hate me? Like, it was like, It was just so way fucking day Because I just hated I thought God hated me Because it's like if you combine Like I think religious guilt Which they didn't give me But it just came along with it

It's like they were like Oh we never told you that like jerking off Was gonna send you to hell I'm like yeah but fucking You're saying this is what we believe This book and then this book says this So like if do facto Factor

If so yeah yeah So if so fact there I'm your boss You work for the bank Bank works for me Yeah I know that movie by heart. It's my favorite.

It's my number one comedy of all times. Oh, it's so good. Are they religious, though? The big works for me. But so, were they religious, though? Or were they just, like, did it like... My dad's really religious, but he's not like... He's, like, a cool guy who loves Jesus.

That's my dad. Yeah, he was never like, you're gonna go to hell. You're never telling me anything's a sin. He didn't like when I said God's name in the vein, which I think is fucking gay. Because, because, like, there's no way God is up there, like, are you guys saying bad things about? Like, the idea that he's, like, letting... I think there's probably a higher power.

You think God has thick skin. Yeah, I'd fucking hope so. He's got bigger fish to fry, then look out for the taking his name into it. I would fucking hope the guy who, like, sat back while, like, the Holocaust happened. Would it be mad that I fucking said some shit? That's my defense anytime anyone brings God up. Yeah. Yeah, my dad's like that, too.

He used to beg me to go to church, though, and I'll just be like, Dad, you know I'm never going to go to church. My mom used to be big on church. We would go. I had to go every week until I quit, like, me and my mom got out, and then I got out. Dude, yeah, the whole pedophile thing. My mom's turned off. She's like, I love God, I love Jesus, but like, I can't go to church. They're all liars, as she says.

Dang. You saw, like, that's so crazy. This happened over Christmas break. This year? Yeah. Oh, that happened to my mom, but like, when I was in, like, high school. And then I was, that was my out. I was like, I'm not, because I was out from the get-go.

I didn't want to go. I was a little religious when I was younger. But then, yeah, the Catholic church stealing money and the Pito stuff, like, got my mom fully out. Because she was related, like, Irish Catholic, like, a hundred. siblings, like, legit. And my dad was always hardcore. We go to church, blah, blah, blah.

But he doesn't do, like, he's not like, he just goes to church. Like, I guess it makes him feel better. But he's not like, you're going to hell, you're doing this, you're doing that. But, like, I'll fuck with him all the time. I'll tell him I'm an atheist and he'll get really annoyed. It's just so funny. But, um... Yeah.

My parents definitely know I'm, like, ennostic. But it's funny, too, because it's like... I wonder if my dad's in real estate. It'd be really funny if this is all just a scam for him to show face more. Like, he's just looking at business at church. But no, I think he like, it's so funny too, because I've said this, I was talking about this before. It's like, religion's so fucking fascinating to me. Like, I love the stories.

It's all interesting to me. But then church is just so fucking boring. So drawn out. You're like, how do you take this? Probably one of the best books ever written in the Bible. It's fucking up there. It's a good fucking stuff. This guy's reading chapter one through five.

Yeah. The stories are, we used to act out, not all of them, because like, there's a lot of rape. But we used to act out, like, the stories of weird kids. Like, we were like, so, like, we went through the, full Bible. I mean, I'm sure my dad cut a couple passages, but we went through, start to finish the Bible when we were like, growing up. In school? No, we do homeschool on Sunday. So, like, a lot of times

instead of going to church, my dad, if we're like, you know, we're like, oh, we're not going to get there in time. My dad would just, like, sit us down and read the Bible and talk to us about it. Oh, you guys were legit. Yeah, yeah. My dad gives a fuck. Like, you, like, really, like, cares. You just made me go to church, and then once we left, it was like, all right. Yeah, our church is hilarious because we go to this Catholic Church in Florida.

And one of the dudes is Irish. One of the dudes is like Haitian and then the other dude's like Indian so like you have no you can't hear what the fuck is at like literally like it's like one guy's like yeah shashashash shish the other guy's like it's like it's so much

everybody get up Jesus birthday everybody yeah we had this guy get up for Jesus that's so yeah because we had this guy father Matt and he was full

Indian like accent can't understand a word You know this guy's name is not Matt. Yeah, it's not bad. And it's just like, yeah, you'd have like an Indian or a black, because it's just, you know, you never know that you don't realize that different nationalities or different religions when you're young. Like India, like, there's tons of Catholics in India and Christians. Oh, I know.

But everyone just thinks it's all Hindus. And same with Muslim. There's a bunch of Christians in Muslim countries. Oh, for sure. Or in Arab countries. But, like, you just assume that they're Catholic. And then, meanwhile, I'm like, not to be racist, but, like, everyone in here is kind of Catholic, white people.

And I got to listen to this Indian guy who could barely speak English. I got to listen to this Indian guy. guy. Well, I don't got it, but... You get to hear his funny voice. No, yeah, yeah. It is one of those things, too, where it's like, yeah, it's like, every time I've gone, we're like,

we're like, I have a little trouble hearing what's, yeah, I don't know, but like, it's so funny, too, because, like, priest will just rip with jokes. They just have, like, a minor joke, they'll fucking just, boom, they'll, like, because people are just high... I don't know if people think if they laugh, they'll get into heaven, or if they're just, like, so tense that, like, any jokes. Yeah, yeah.

It's just like a, it's just not that environment. So when something like comes out ironic, people are like, oh, that's, that's meant to be funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we should laugh. Well, yeah, once I got privy to more of the pedophile stuff and then like that stuff, I just like got so anti-religious. But it's also like, I'm like anti-like, I shun you if you're religious, but like I just have no interest. I'm not like a freaking, whatever they call them. Tom's like going to me around your family, I'll murder them.

Yeah, but it's just like, enough of God and the, like, it's just like, ugh. Yeah, I just don't, I also don't like that. I can like, I don't like how if you criticize the book then you're like criticizing the people that's not true at all. It's like I have one of my best friends is like a hardcore Christian and he probably thinks I'm going to go to hell

but he's one of my good friends. I love the guy but I think the, I don't agree with the book and it's the same thing with like Islam and Judaism. It's like I think the books are silly but that's just based off what I've heard about the books. I don't know. It's also, you know, your job to sell me on it. So yeah, true. Go for it. I just don't think I've ever like fully believed in

like anything. Me too. Like Santa was probably my biggest belief. Or I did for a minute. I believed in God for a minute, but then I kind of fell off. I was never, I was never like diehard believer in anything. Santa, biggest thing, and then once that was done, I was like, well, everything else is a lie now.

That's kind of where they fuck you, because once you find out Santa isn't real, that's almost like... What's the difference between Santa and God, basically? Yeah, you turn into Alex Jones. You're like, they've been lying to us the whole thought. Like, I think everything's a lot. It was... Well, it's just so tough to prove. Like, once you get a, whatever, a big enough brain, you can realize that Santa can't deliver gifts to the whole world, but

God being, having some role... in creating something you never you can't ever know until you die i wasn't like existential like that i was more so just like i just don't care enough me too like it's it's fine it's fun like the churches i would go to my mom were fun we'd go to those christian rock churches oh they got like some of the like there's a band that we had in one of our churches they were called spur 58 i mean they were like the red hot jelly peppers to me oh that's all yeah yeah yeah they'd all them on tour a couple times tampo orlando oh that's awesome yeah that is yeah maybe i went to a boring ass church them. Really? Yeah.

Well, I think the thing, too, with it is like, it's funny, we were talking about Santa, because in my mind, God is Santa. Like, when I think of God, it's the same energy. Like, it's a different guy, but it's this warm kind of, like, bearded, like, force that is Santa Claus to me. Because, like, I realize, like, I don't know, it's just kind of

the same thing. They are both old white guys of beard. I feel like God would wear a red hat with a puffy ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I did believe in Santa way too long. I believed in Santa Santa, too. People were, like, do my friends are liars. I got, like, legitimate fights over San. You don't know, the truth. I never had friends that, like, ruined it from me.

I don't even know what it was. I think it was just, like, one year my mom was like, listen, I need you to help me rap gifts, because you're getting older, your sisters, you know, still believe in Santa. Oh, and she just assumed you didn't know? Well, my mom was just like, listen, I need you to help me, like, this is, like, okay.

It's on the gig's up. It's me. Help me rap tips now. Yeah, that makes sense. I was on the cusp one year, and then my mom, like, wrote me a letter. Well, Santa wrote me a letter. And I'm like, I go to my mom,

I'm like, you know I know what your handwriting is, right? You screwing me here? And I got... Santa's like, this year I want you to wrap the press. Yeah, and then I found gifts in her, like, here in her closet the next year. So she assumed that I know. I think the Easter bunny was what went first for me. Like, that was like the first thing where my mom was like, I got you the Jamir Nelson

Orlando Magic Jersey. Okay. And I was like, oh, okay. So there's no Easter bunny. Yeah. She was like, yeah, but Santa Claus fully real. I was like, oh. That's how I was with leprechauns.

My parents let me take a day off school because we used to, so we, We used to do this thing where I thought everybody did this, but I guess it's just an Irish tradition where you try to catch. Did you guys ever try to catch the Lepircon? Of course. Yeah, yeah. Some people, I guess that's like not common.

I thought everybody did that and say that. My mom's like, my mom's family is like pretty Irish. So like we would do that where like I'd set up lepricon traps every year. And then I think one year I got fucking pissed because I was like, I fucking never could catch this guy. And then she's just like. I remember I walked home from school one day because my birthday and my birthday is on St.

Patrick's day. So I was already jacked up and everyone was like, be nice to me or whatever else. I remember walking home and I just manifested in my. head that I saw a leprechaun on the walk home. And I remember going home and telling my mom, like, Mom, I just saw a lepercon in the, down the block, blah, blah, blah. And I was so fucking happy. And then I was like, wait a second. Like a year later, I was like, wait a second. I never saw it. I just made it up. Really? Yeah. And I was just like, just because I wanted to be that true. It's like Santa Claus.

It's like, you know, when you're like, hope that like you hear footsteps on the roof one night or some bullshit. Yeah, you convince yourself. Yeah, you convince yourself. And it's just like, no, never. Yeah, I like, I remember my mom told me the leopricons weren't real. And like, I cried so much that, like, she let me take the day off school. Because I was just like, if I'm ready to get the pot of gold, then what the fuck am I going to do in my life? I'm like, I'm not going to get any money. I'm like, I fucking suck.

I suck at school. I'm not going to get a job. My woodshot is catching this leprecha. This is the only thing I'm good at is leprechaun hunting. This is good. I'm calling to let you know that Michael's not coming in today on the count that he's retarded. Yeah, I wonder what they told the school. They're like, I don't know.

He is freaking out about the lepercon thing. He's going to be a mess. You don't want to deal this shit. you're like over there in the corner like tell them what you told them. Just what is that fucking dark night line where he's like I want you to lie to them? He's like, just like you lied to me.

Tell them everything's going to be okay. Tell them, ruin everybody's day. My dad always says, the way my dad told me Santa Claus wasn't real is the most beautiful way. Really? You remember it? Oh yeah. We were hanging. He's 17. Yeah.

It was last month. Yeah. He's like, we're not paying for therapy, and Santa Claus isn't fucking real. This is insane. But I was hanging, because I think Scary Movie 4 ruined it. Like, my friends, like, I saw my parents. My parents told me Santa Claus isn't real.

I was like, I don't know about that. And then Scary Movie 4, the president, they're making fun of, like, 9-11. Yeah. So, like, Leslie Nielsen's playing the president, and he's, like, reading to kids. And he's like, oh, my God, there's an alien invasion, and he starts freaking out.

He's, like, in this school. Like, you know how George Bush was reading to the kids? he does that, but it's Leslie Nielsen instead of George Bush. He's, like, freaking out about the information about the aliens instead of just like, like, replace 9-11 with aliens. So, like, it's the alien invasion. And he's just like, oh my God, so we were telling me is that all these kids' parents are going to die?

All this stuff. He's like, and you're telling it. And, and that Santa Claus, obviously Santa Claus isn't real. And the kids start screaming. And I was like, wait, what? I was like, Santa Claus isn't fucking real? And then I came to my dad. I was like, we're hanging Christmas lights. It's like, hey, is Santa not real? He goes, well, St. Nicholas

was a man who believed, in the spirit of giving. And Christmas and Santa Claus is about the spirit of giving. So the spirit of Santa Claus is very much real. But that's all that really matters, basically.

He's like, sorry to break it to you, kid. An old man will not be climbing down our chimney. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he just emphasizes Christmas spirit so hard that I was like, huh. That's what real, it's like, really, what's real is down here in your hearts.

Yeah, I think I'm going to go kiss a guy now. Yeah, yeah. That's funny. That's pretty good. That's pretty good, though. Yeah, I always thought about his fake coming out to my parents, but I don't think they believe it because I get so much fucking pussy. Son, what are you talking about?

You got peed on by somebody the other night. I also like, I wish my dad was, like, proud of me for getting pussy. It's very fun. I don't know if he just, it was like a Christian man. Of course he's not. He's like, my son was how Christian he was. Yeah. Whatever episode I was listening to earlier, you were saying how.

You were just like, I just don't think my dad's proud of me at all. Yeah, I don't think it at all, yeah, yeah. I don't know. My dad might not be proud of me, but it's just like, it doesn't matter. Yeah, really does not matter. It does not affect anything. Nothing matters except for black lives. Amen, brother.

Amen. Amen. I mean, it is Black History Month. Oh, it is. Good call. Yeah. It is Black History Month. February. Byroning by Monk Fuch Dems this month.

Okay, there we go. There we go. Yeah, I was going to see how many, I think, Have I been racist? I don't think, I don't think I have been. That's pretty good. You know, it's only been 30 days. Yeah, it was been three days.

There were 30-something days, yeah. I had the funniest, there was a time I thought I was racist because, like, I mean, everybody has racist moments, obviously. It's not like a... I'm kidding me, Michael? Never have I ever had a racist moment. This is one of my favorite stuff because, you know, okay, you did two minutes ago. Not that, that's not a joke, though.

No, of course. Always a joke. I know, I know. The, uh, everybody's scared by the poop. Push-Eisty masks. The ski mask are scary. I refuse. Look, the bad guys in SpongeBob wear them.

Ski masks, you associate them. Those are fish. Okay. This is like me defending. There's anchovies. You're talking about the ski masks that go over your head? It goes all the way over and nothing. The eyes and mouth are clear?

Or holes? So like the ones where, I think these aren't technically the push-icey ones, but like there's a hole where the mouth is and there's a hole where the eyes are and that's it. Yeah. I have one of those. It's good for the snow. Yeah. Yeah, but it's like also scary.

Yeah. And it's not, and you don't need to wear it when it's like 50 degrees. reason. So I thought I was racist because every time I saw one of those I got intimidated and I was like oh maybe this makes me a racist but then I was walking by and there was two guys in a car who had them on and I freaked out and got nervous and then I realized the masks were

actually just pulled over the car seats so there wasn't even a person in the car and the masks were just scared of the masks. So objectively I'm just scared of the masks. Were they pulling it over? I want to just be in the HOV lane or something like that. But also I am racist but the masks aren't why I'm racist.

That's pretty good. Yeah. It's nice. I think in my heart I'm not I think I don't know I'm doing what I can If you were racist you would know Truly but there's like We need a thousand more words Because everybody has like levels of racism

Where like you know you may get nervous The stereotype racism Would a half of them are true So it's like how can you call us on it? Yeah Just not for white It's for white Italian guys People are people hate Italians too

You know there's stereotypes for Italians We're loud We beat our wives It's not lies It's across the board It's just Every single person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it's like fucking, what's the, I mean, like, when I see teenagers, that's where, I think that's where inner city teenagers just, yeah, that don't get anybody. But, oh, dude, yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm not going to say, because it's not really racist, but. I told you, we'll cut stuff from this podcast. No, I'm not getting asked any of it caught shit. No, but you see, like, six, like, and then maybe, like, a certain age, like, 16, 17. I love, wait, can I pause you for a second?

I love where this is going, because this podcast has gone exactly down this road so many times. Right, where it starts with, like, talking about, talking about, porn. No, no, no, there's this exact moment where you go, it's, it's very funny. It's like tension, I can feel it in my shoulders, because whenever there's, you're not going to say what you think I'm saying. Okay, okay.

No, because here's the thing. I'm the guy who's always just like, I don't know my girl. It's obviously different when you're a girl and, or she'll say like, you know, watch it, like, block me from this way or go over here, whatever. I'm always like, not that my head's in the clouds, but I'm like, I'm always giving people the benefit of the doubt. I never, like, think anything's about to happen.

Like, if something happens, then I have to make that decision to, to like do something, but like, I'm never, like, not walking that way because I see a whatever, like, I'm literally never. And she's like, you're a freaking idiot. Like, you need to, like, not, you need to make better decisions. Yeah, yeah, so not racist. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, or it's just like, you know, what am I going to do?

If something happens, it happens. But, like, anytime you see, like, whatever, maybe something on the train or whatever, it's just like, I see crazy white people all the time. Like, I see crazy. Like, it's not like, unless you're literally like, I cannot stand that those got, like, you know, it's like, how can you, you know, just trying to be safe. Totally, totally. Especially now with all the shit that's happening.

It's like, somebody pushed me on the track. I'm going to be pissed no matter who it was. Right. But I think the thing with, like, getting robbed is like, I know a guy who's like this old Italian guy in New York and he's super racist. And he's like, never be too safe. Never be too careful. And I'm like, this is actually, it would be a better life if you were just not anxious and not scared of every race and got robbed once. Then because, like, I would rather get robbed and be wrong about one person than just be racist.

You know what I mean? It's like, it would almost be more beneficial to be like, okay. I got robbed one time versus being like every time I see somebody who's like a hood black dude or like a hood Hispanic, then I get nervous. Well, it's the thing. Plus, it's different if you had an experience. If you've been robbed and then you see that situation or person, like type of person again. Comes from trauma. Yeah.

People can't really call you on and be like, well, I have been robbed. Like, it's not like I'm just like being racist right now. Yeah. And it's like if anything, I'm just anti-schizophrenic people because they are terrifying. Oh, yeah. That little girl who always walks in front of the pair, she scares the hell out of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's that?

She'll just be, like, screaming at herself, like, into a wall, like, super schizzo. But then she'll, like, turn normal and ask you for, like, a dollar, like, kind of nicely. Oh, is she, like, a tiny little, like, black hair? Yeah, like... She's homeless. Yeah, it looks like she just crawled out of the sore. She's always crying. Always crying.

Yeah. I see her on the street, always crying. Always crying. This guy freaks me the fuck out. But she's always... She doesn't have a house just did it to crack. I think that'd make me crying. I don't know.

She freaks me out. It just sucks if they're like Skitsa because it's like, yeah, they're like screaming at themselves for nothing right now, but it's like they're mentally ill. New York will just show you how to not to have empathy for people. I have zero. I have zero. Really?

It's tough. I walk by people like that, but yeah. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? I'm just like, I'm not doing. I'm not doing great either. I always just say I'm not doing great either, man. Yeah, I will say I am broke as fuck. I've said that phrase so many times. I said that all the time and I said I literally you will rarely, if ever,

find me with cash or change on me ever. So, like, I could be like, it's the one where it's like, can you buy me something? Because it's like, I can use my car? It's like, obviously, no, I'm not going to buy it. But like, I literally never have. I have no money. And I got to subscribe to Pillow Princess's only fan. So it's like, I don't have any. You know, what am I going to do? I'm just kidding.

But it's like, yeah, it's tough, dude. Sometimes it's only you'll get me if they have, they have like a dog with them or something. Some of these people, yeah, they're nuts. When the guys are, like, chilling out, like, hanging out outside of the train station, I remember I had like a box of pizza. I was like, here, take the pizza, man. You know, but some people, I remember I was in Philly,

and I'd waited an hour in line for a Philly cheese steak at Angelo's. Great spot. And then I got Philly cheese steaks and a whole pie. And then I left the place, couldn't finish it with my buddies. And then we went over to this fucking homeless guy. And I go to give him the pizza and he looks at me and he goes, ah, sorry, I'm gluten free. I go.

You don't get to be gluten free. Is that real? I think someone has a joke like that. That's amazing. That's real. That is actually happening. How can you get gluten-free as a homeless person? Dude, wild. I've had people...

That means you can't drink beer, which is impossible. Yeah. There's no way a homeless guy doesn't drink beer. That's why. I've had homeless people tell me like, oh, five bucks. Like, what am I going to do with five bucks? And I'm like, dude... That's insane.

I heard somebody saying that story once where they gave... Somebody gave him like a 20 and he's like, you got any more? Like, can I get some more? I'm like, a 20? There used to be a guy who would lay in the middle of the street and say he was going to kill himself unless people gave money. Some of them were just nuts. Yeah.

I bought a homeless guy at four loco once. My thing is... That's a guy. just lighting a mortar. He died, by the way. Half the people that will ask you, like, if they're standing outside a bodega or whatever, they don't even look at the shovel. It's like, how do I know

you, like, actually need this? Like, I'm not doing great right now. Like, you know what I mean? Bro, one time I bought it. You see a guy with, like, fresh clothes on? I'm like, why are you at? Like, are you broke or? You saw me come out of the comedy shop. You know I have no money. Yeah, like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had one where I was walking really hung over one time and this girl in and was like, can't buy me

something? Like, can you buy me something? And I look at her, she's like, completely fine. I'm like, oh, I'm just on a date now. I was like, I just bought this woman's food. She's, like, definitely not homeless. I was like, girls could definitely get it way easier. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's like, um, I mean, you know what? I will say this, you're fat homeless though? It's harder for me to give you money. Bad homeless? Because you're, what, you're, you're healthy? Yeah, I've seen somebody. Well, yeah, you're not healthy, but like, you're not healthy, but, like, you're not.

Some guy was holding a sign saying, I'm starving. And you're like, no, okay, come on. Yeah, come on. But it's like you're, uh, I think I've seen that guy at the Eltrichel stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, no, I do feel bad, but it's like, if you were to, like, literally be, like, as empathetic as people say you are, is it would be going insane. You'd be having a meltdown because it's so sad in the city. Oh, it's really sad. But the funniest thing I saw is I was walking up to the train. I was walking off the train.

So I was leaving the turnstile, and the turnstile is covered in shit. Both turnstiles covered in shit. So I'm like, this is such a good prank, though, as a homeless guy. Like, because you got to understand, like, the threshold of fun, it's like, you know, you're not fucking. You know what I mean? Fucking... I don't know. It's like,

whoopee cushions aren't going to do it for you. You live under a bridge. You gotta fucking... You gotta up it. You gotta rub your shit on the... Because there was no way, like, I was coming out of... So I was fine.

So I could go out of the exit. But if you were going in, there's no... You had to crawl under the turnstile covered in shit. There's no... I'm gonna walk to... Dude,

Well, how'd you get on the train? I wouldn't. I'd take the bus. It takes way less than that for me to exit a station and tire. I also love the idea of people just like going to that turnstion style and just like being like their day is ruined and mics just in a corner like, hey.

Pretty good idea. Yeah, that'd be entertaining for the homeless person. Yeah. But yeah, I'm just like, I'm sick of the guys who are just like screaming like, even just, this stop right here that I just got off to come here and he's just like, you walk up the steps and he's like does a fucking snot rocket into the thing and he's just yelling at himself. He's got his buddy right there and they get the security guy or whatever the MTA guy who stands at the exit door now to make sure people don't jump the turnstile. And he's just like screaming and yelling.

I'm just like, oh, I fucking hate you, all of you. It is a real. side of in intimidation, though, to show you that, like, oh, yeah, you can't act so crazy that people are scared of you. Yeah, well, because no one, if you're actually crazy, like, we're not, no one's going to engage, you're just going to leave you alone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'll walk the opposite way. I wish there was, like, a cloaking device where, like, when somebody tried to fight me, I could just look homeless, like, immediately, but it's like, whenever somebody's trying to fight me, I'm already, like, you know what I mean? I'm, like, in a position. It's like, I'm too dressed up to, like,

just randomly pretend I'm homeless. Yeah, that's what's, yeah, people say, try to act like you're crazy if someone's like whatever and it's just like, you know. Yeah, I want to learn like, I don't know, my brother does fighting I want to learn like maybe... Like MMA? Yeah, I want like a month.

I don't need to be the best. I just need to know how to fight a little better than I do now. I'm using a wrestling because I did wrestling for years. Like, a lot of fights end up with the ground. I have been on street fights where I use wrestling, but it's like, I can't throw a punch for shit. Yeah, I always, I say like, I'll freaking drop somebody if I have to, but like, I don't know if I actually can.

When you say it, I believe you. Yeah, you're like, yeah, you're like, if I have a half. After you sound so good too. I don't want to use these powers for people. I don't want anything to happen to you. I will for two hits. I hit them to hit the floor.

Like I will protect you. But if it actually comes down to it, I'll be terrified. We also have a girlfriend. It's like, you know, I got to like be able to put, like, if you can't even have a second date with these women. So it really doesn't matter if they get attacked, you know. That's a good way to think about it. Yeah, I'm just kidding. I've got...

You're like, well, I don't know if we're going to go to Blaze Pizza next. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I don't know. Have you saved my contact yet? Because that's gonna depend on whether I defend you. Let me open up your hands, prove it to me that I'm the only one you're talking about. Tell me your hinge messages. No, do, I've been on edge so many times where, like, I could see myself getting in a situation

weighing over my head. That's why my girls always, because I'm a little hot-headed, too, and my girl always just be like, don't, are you insane? Like, don't even engage, don't do anything. Like, I, I've had stare-downs. My ex-thought I was a fucking coward. I've had stared downs with mental patients on the train because I want to defend a stranger. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And my girl's like, why do you, who, why do you give a fuck about them? You should be protecting me. I'm like, I'll protect all of you. protect this whole train. Damn, that's awesome. That's a good mentality. But then the guy probably pulls out of gun and kills me.

This guy could be stabbing everybody else on the train. I'm like, well, as long as you didn't touch me. Yeah, I see. I was coming home one night late from my show in Hoboken and the path,

which is not even bad compared to them, to these trains. And it's literally me, a couple and a psycho guy who has, the guys that always get me the most scared

when you go on, their hoods all the way up and their heads tucked under so you can't, they don't have their head out. You know what I'm talking about? And he was one of those guys. and he would like, anytime someone made a noise,

he would poke his head out and scream, shut the fuck up. And I was already furious the first time he did it. It wasn't for me, because it was the couple. They were chatting. So we get to, we're like almost back in the city. This couple's chatting. He screams it again, gets up,

goes and sits next to them, looks over at them, like, to intimidate them, whatever. And they're just like, this, like, nerdy-looking, scared white couple, whatever. And they kind of just, like, get up and awkwardly walk away. I was so furious. I was like, there's a good chance if he touched you guys. I would have gotten a fight with that guy.

Dang. And I probably would have. got my, I would, maybe would have got stand. He definitely had like a shank or something. Yeah. But I was just so angry because he was just like screaming for nobody. And he's fully mental. Like I shouldn't get like that, but like I couldn't help myself. And then I just had intense stare down with him as we all got off. You're a tough guy, dude. Good for you. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I didn't do anything. I didn't know. I know. I know. But I, my mindset is this. I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm like, oh, geez, I really, really,

really, really hope. Okay. So, like, if he punches that woman, I will step in. Like, I really hope. I don't want to. No, yeah. I don't, I'm, dude, I'll see couples fighting all the time. And I'm like, please, please don't hit her. And I'm like, okay, she's provoking him enough that if he does hit her, she doesn't deserve it, but also like, oh, dude, that's the worst. Because I'm like, I'm like, if she's provoking him and then I'm like, by, like, hitting him or something like that.

Then I'm like, okay, well, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, I, if I, I, I'm not, like, defending a helpless person. Like, you should never hit a woman. But also me getting in the way of a woman who's hitting a man who's then going to get hit by it. I'm like, I don't, I don't, there's no reason for me to defend you because you were jumping towards violent. You know what I mean? It's like, what are you going to do? Yeah, if you're like, if you see a girl get hit, but she was provoking him, it's like, what do you do here? Yeah, I see it all the time where like women are like, I mean, I've never seen a woman get really hit.

But I'm like, I've seen women like just hitting a guy a bunch. And I'm like, dude, this is like so like, you're literally saying punch me in the face. So it's like, I don't, it's not like a helpless person. Like, if it's a woman who's like, please help and then she's getting hit, then obviously I'd have a hobby. Well, yeah. I'm like, yeah. I've always never seen the man actually strike, but I'm just kind of sitting there for a second.

I'm like, fuck, I don't want to. I don't want to. John Kennedy and I run on the L train once, headed back to Manhattan from Brooklyn, like super late. And there was a guy on the train who was like sitting across from us. Me and John were laughing watching a comedy, like, real. Yeah.

We were just laughing. And it was like a really funny reel. And then the guy looks at us, he goes, what's so fucking funny? And me and John just go, oh, nothing. And he's like, oh, really? Get up.

And we're like, huh? And then as soon as, like he said, get up, this big fucking black guy, my guardian angel, just fucking tackled this dude. Really? Sort of wailing on him. Did they know each other? No, they did not know each other. Legend. And then he just, like, saw what was going to happen.

And he saw me and Johnny. And for those who don't know, Johnny, obviously, you don't, like, small white kid. It's, like, tinier than me. He's a cute kid. And then me, you know, we don't really, we don't have, like, that tough look. We're gonna get her asses kick. This guy's a psychopath. This guy stepped in, beat the shit out of this guy.

And then the train got off. Like, it got, like, it's one of those moments where, like, the train was going from, like, Bedford to, like, Manhattan. And you're like, dude, just, like, fucking hurry up and get to the stops. We can open the door and get the fuck out. As soon as the door opened at Third Avenue

or First Avenue, we all got off the train. Like, everybody in the car and the black guy was still wailing on him. He's like, go, go! Oh, my gosh. I love that guy. What an act of valor, because he didn't even know you guys. He runs off the train.

as the doors are closing, guy puts his arm out to, like, chase him out, like the crazy guy puts his arm out, like, so the doors reopened. He comes out, we're like, oh, my God, he got out! Oh, shit. Then the black guy knocks him out again and throws him on the train and the door's closed and it left.

And we were like, wow. Wait, it's like, isn't there a scene in, like, some space movie where, like, they, like, push somebody into a thing and they're, like, go flying out? Gravity? Sorry, that was a real, Elon Musk-looking thing. We're interstellar. I don't know.

It's probably. It's one of, I think there's one of it. like that where it's like the bad guy, they like kick him into something and then he's like in a black hole or so what the fuck is it? I don't know or it's like, I feel like I'm thinking of something. I had a really good one that where this, I was talking to Nikolk, like a week ago on the train. And I was like, yeah, the thing about stand up and this home city goes, you're thinking me stand up.

Are you serious? Yes, Marty. Did you burst out laughing? I would have died. I would have lost it. You got me so good. I don't know that's exactly what I said, but I was saying basically something like that. You didn't get me a stand-up.

That's amazing. You got me so good. Did she laugh with you or she was a mental? She just grinned and walked away. I mean, I just died. It was so good. Her job's like, yeah, yeah. You can get me to take fame.

That's the greatest thing ever. Like that joke never gets old. It's just doing somebody's voice in a stupid voice. That's great. The fact of there was a woman. It was so funny, dude. He called you a fucking loser. Yeah.

You see that, though? See, that's the thing that's going back to me. I would like to think I'm gonna be that big black guy who's gonna beat the fuck out of that guy. But then when it comes down to it, I'll probably just bitch out like a little bitch. But I want to think that I'll be like that guy. Yeah, yeah. Also, what do you think he was going to do? He said, get up, like he was going to try to swing on you?

He wanted to beat up. Yeah, no, he's a cracked out black guy. White guy? See, I'm so less afraid of the guy. Leather jacket. He's drunk. He's drunk. That's the kicker.

If you could tell they're on drugs or drunk and you can get a clean hit on them, you're going to fuck him up, probably. The thing is, though, you get a clean in on him. It's like, I'm not carrying a weapon. What if he has a knife? Then it's over. Fight's over. Well, you run away. No, you're still running away.

You're going to get stabbed. It's like, also like, it's not even like just a knife. I haven't been thinking about carrying something. Wait, what's that? I've been thinking about carrying something. I'm a guy. Yeah, yeah. No, no.

I mean, like, when I used to bark, I got like a blades pull on me twice. What? Yeah, yeah. Crackus my home was? Uh, well, like, the first time was I was selling tickets. I was like, stand-up comedy show and this dude grabs all the tickets. It goes, free tickets. to get the fuck out of here.

Pulls that night and he goes, get the fuck out of here. How about I slice your fucking face open? Oh my? And then his friend just grabbed and was like, yeah, let's not fucking do this. And that guy, by the way,

outside of the pair, almost every single night. Can you give me his name and the address? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just forgot it. He was just like some hood dude. Well, those guys who walk back and forth like super late on like Saturdays.

Because they're trying to sell drugs. Yeah, they're selling drugs. Yeah. Cocaine, cocaine, cocaine. Yeah. They always do. And I'm like, I'm okay. And they're like, you're gay.

That's good. It's good that he had a rational friend, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the other time was a homeless guy, he was just in a daze, and he pulled, like, a wooden umbrella handle into, like, a shiv. Like, basically, like, he tried to put me in an imaginary jail.

Like, he just, like, blocked the key. Like, no jail. And I, like, kind of pushed him away, and then he pulled out the shiv. But he was, like, in a mental days. Like, he was kind of thinking while he had it, and I walked away because I was like, what the fuck. And then later I saw the pizza guy from Ben's walk outside in an apron,

and they were circling each other in the streets. Like, he had a knife. and I had like the shank and it was like the coolest thing because they were like walking in a circle as if it was like the end of Lion King when like Scar and Mufasser

are just like you know just kind of tail like that's so weird I can probably have so many weapons behind the counter events oh yeah dude you got to be prepared in a location like that

that's so funny the idea of like you just being on a corner and be like freak comedy show and then he goes oh that reminds me he pulls out a gun and just puts it on your fucking head

yeah I want to kill you that reminds me I'm gonna murder you right now McDougal my favorite is there's this one dude he's like this he's blinded one eye

and he sounded like Cleveland Jr. Like, we're actually, he's really nice to me. I see him all the time. He's like excited to see me. Because I kind of made friends of some of these guys

because like you're just out there for hours. You've always said this. Yeah, you just talked to homeless guys all day. And I'm just one guy. I was like, comedy show goes, fuck you,

comedy faggot! And I just die laughing. And then he comes to me later. I was like, hey man, can I have some money? I was like, you just call me a comedy bag. He's like,

I'm sorry, man. And then it was reminded me. Comedy. Did you have? actually you just called me a comedy fact not even a, you just called me a fag. He's like, oh shit, that was you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's hysterical. Oh shit, Mike, I didn't even see you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, my eyes fucked up. I got one blonde eye. But it was just so funny too because then it reminded me

of like the sour patch commercial where it's like, first they're sour and then there's sweet because he's like, I'm sorry, man. It's a campaign for that. It's funny being a comic because like that's how comics like I feel like that's how like we process things

but I feel like regular people that happens to them and their whole day is just fucking ruined. Oh yeah, that's hilarious. It's so funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was the funniest thing that happened to me that week.

And I was like, perfect. I have something new to talk about on my podcast. Yeah. That happened to me in L.A. during the pandemic, I went to go get like a box of cereal. I was walking back home and the homeless guy. Same thing.

Yeah. Fruit loops. And I was like, hell yeah, man. He goes, fuck you faggot. Yeah. I was like,

that's the funniest thing I've ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because, yeah, it's just like, what do you get a, yeah. Not threatening just like, yeah. No, it's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. you're gonna do?

Yeah, I was just, I was always so, too, I was like, great, I have something new to talk about the podcast as we're just like, yeah, I would just, I don't know, I never like, uh, I said, I don't really plan much for this. Sometimes I just will occasionally, but I used to aggressively just pick, right, I got to watch a five hour documentary

about the JFK assassination, so have something new to talk about. Oh, yeah. You're starting to get like real views though, like thousands. Yeah, and some of them. Are you kidding me? That's pretty cool. Yeah, yeah. I saw some episode it has 22,000. Yeah, yeah. There's like ones, but then it'll drop off to like one episode as like 300. That's just how podcasting goes.

You're making money? Trigger words. No, no, no, no. I can't monetize any of this. Really? No, I'm just kidding. I probably can, like, start. I'm like, it shows where my goals are.

I'm, like, almost at my goal to start monetizing. And I'll probably set up a Patreon. Let's say May I'll set up a Patreon. I mean, in theory, I could set up like a weird gay foot Patreon because it's like... That's your audience. Not all of them. Is that way you wear no socks? No, it's never intentional.

It's never intentional, but then I look at, like, the thumbnail. Like, it looks like I'm really flawed. But I just get comfortable on my own couch, so I put my feet up here, and I don't like where it's... You have a lot of foot fetish guys that follow you. Yeah. Doesn't Dan Schneider follow the pop? Dan Schneider, friend of the show. Right.

Yep. Nickelodeon's finest. You're kidding me. No, Dan Schneider, yeah. What? Yeah. You're lying. I can't. I'm so bad at mine.

I thought you were in another bit. I was not in another bit. I was like, that's pretty cool. I mean, aside for what he did to those kids, but like Schneider's bakery? But, come on. Apparently, yeah. Wait, remember, size break? Like, ding, ding,

and you go, mm. Good. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, look. And you're drinking, Josh. What a great time.

Yeah. It's like, yeah. I mean, the guy produced, he's an artist. He's an artist. He's batting with a hot bat. He's a failed actor. But it's so far too,

because like... He was a failed actors getting to some crazy show. He's 101. Well, you got to have, like, an eye for hot teenagers if you're going to cast, like, if you're going to make a show like that.

Because you've got to put yourself because the people that are watching it are kids, right? basically you gotta have prepubescent people fall in love with actors to enjoy any high school drama or comedy. That was half of Drake and Josh, like, Drake's new girlfriend's so fucking hot. And she was. Oh yeah. Yeah. So like it was always a certified smoke. Undisputable. So or what they could do is they should have the casting agents be kids. I mean, this is solve the problem. I mean, you still have if you're gonna have the kids work like 40 hour work weeks on set, why not

just have the kids be casting agents? Right. Yeah. And all that, dude, all that and original all that and Amanda show, those shows were just hilarious. Dude, I, like, genuinely, anybody. I had such a crush on Amanda Binds, dude, for decades. She had a run where she looked good, yeah. Bring in the dancing lapses. Yeah. Did you hear, she had the funniest? I loved the Amanda show, where I'd rush home from school to watch it. You see the video

where she's like, yeah, we'd love to do the podcast, but, like, you know, we had to stop doing it because we can't get the guests we want, like the weekend or something. She's like, just some crazy, she liked that. Oh. I don't know if she did the weekend, but she's so funny to be like... Wait, she was doing a podcast? Yeah, she's like, yeah, we just can't get the guess she wants. We're not going to do. She's like, because nobody wants to do fucking Amanda Binesbach. I just try to

get a face tattoo now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's kind of, she's She's completely off. I wonder where she is. She went back to like fashion school like 10 years ago or something. Jeez. Okay. There was a guy last night. There was a comic who was a Disney star or he was in a some Lindsay Lohan. He played

like a boyfriend. John Rudnicki. Yeah, yeah. Recently. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he's been around. He was on SNL. Yeah. Oh, okay. He was a one and done on us on. I saw him last night. Yeah, I saw him. Oh, yeah. He was at the New York Comedy Club, yeah. He's really nice. Yeah, super nice.

Great comic. He, uh, did he start and stand-up? Yeah, I don't know his story. No, he did great. He did great. And then I completely bombed. But, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, did he do the new joke?

He popped in on it? I think, no, I think he was doing a set on the show before. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but he cried. Yeah, he was great. Yeah. We are at, we're over a fucking hour now. What do you guys want to promote?

Uh, what do I? Oh, I got a new, I got a new show. YouTube coming out, YouTube show coming out with Cori Oskine. The Eclipse is very funny. Your chest hair ripped off or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what was it?

Yeah, we saw that, yeah. Yeah, we're doing this new thing where we wanted to do something different than Justapod. So we're doing, like, a studio pod half. And then, like, we're also coming up with, like, fun things to do with, like, our guests that we've never done in New York. So we go out into the city and go vlog it and go do it and then we come back to the studio and recap it. It's such a good idea because, like, this is a dying art form. And it's good to do something different. Well, it's not that it's a dying art form.

It's just, like, no one knows. knows us, so it's harder for us to, it's harder for us to start here. Yeah. Keep it going. Because we've had, Corey and I, collectively. I don't actually believe that. I'm kidding. But it's just harder.

It's just a harder. It's a harder hill to climb. And I think you've got to put out something that's eye-catching if you want to start somewhere. Definitely. Yeah. And we've both had podcasts that have failed multiple times. So, you know, for whatever reason.

And I think. But you didn't quit. You just stopped doing it. Well, well, one, let's just call how I see it. TJ stopped doing stand-up. So that was one. That was our, that was a good idea. And then the second one I had just finished doing because Ari Sheffir started a whole travel.

The whole premise of my show was Ari Shapirs. Oh, I started doing it first, which I'm happy about that for my sanity. But, like, I just couldn't keep going, knowing that there's a comedy. You ever run into them just big? Just so you know. Just so you. And people were like, oh, you're not the one who invented traveling. Arish Rio that invented traveling.

I'm like, yeah, but like I'm on shows with the guy. We can't both be the traveling podcast guys. Yeah. So I was like, I'd rather just fuck it. Yeah. Plus, I couldn't get guests. People, like, who were, like, going to get me views. Oh, yeah.

They were, like, oh, I can't do it because they're doing Ari's pod. Yeah, that's a good point. So it's just like, that's just a, I'm wasting money on a producer. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, anyway. So I'm plugging that show whenever it comes in. Yeah. All right.

Thank you, man. Yeah, I'm excited to watch it. Oh, I was kidding. I'm subscribed to your YouTube. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely subscribe to YouTube. What's your YouTube channel? Just my name, Brandon O. Barrera.

No, I don't actually think this is dying our form. I just love a different type of podcast. Like, it's cool. Like, you do something different. Totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you want to promote? Please follow me on Instagram at Tom Zappia.

I'm going to bring my... I have a podcast called Keep a Basement with my buddy who's not a comedian. But I'm going to bring back my podcast too, which is comedians pitch me their conspiracy theories. So I hope to think that's a little different than the regular podcast. But that's called Youhoo on my YouTube as well.

Tom Zapia. He's sick fuck. That was fucking squeak. I thought you're letting that a balloon. To his mouth. Yeah, you're nasty as well. Oh, I just want to say to the guests, sorry about the fucking inconsistencies.

We have had camera issues, so I'm recording on my phone right now because my camera's having all kinds of problems. It's taken fucking forever to upload. So we're going to figure it out. I'm working very hard, and sorry for the delays, but it should be back to Consistent

every Sunday. Thank you. Okay. Bye.