Morning Good - Albanian Superheroes - Episode 4

Episode Date: November 7, 2020

You can find our guests Artan and Eli on Instagram at @artan_x and @eli_haba, respectivelyFind Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax

Yeah, it's going to be called Morning Good. Shut the fuck up. That's a great idea. Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike in the boys? Really? How you know?

That sounds fucking awful. Yeah, I'm really excited about it. I think I'm going to call it Morning Good. Fuck that. That's terrible. Welcome to Morning. I thought you were, like, getting our text to speech. Right.

Because I just saw it out. I'm just transcribing everything. Yeah. I hate doing introductions on podcasts because I like it just being like a conversation. You know what I mean? It's weird when you're like, oh, and here we go. Yeah. We're with Arden X cancer survivor.

Hey, what's up? Eli descendant of Holocaust survivor. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. And then I suffer from ADDs. Oh, you know. We all have our trauma.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you feel like trauma from Holocaust, like, passes down. Do you feel like scared? I mean, do I get like street cred for it in a way? Can I get?

No, I mean, do you like get scared? Oh, like PTSD from the Holocaust? No. Do you think it's like, what is it called when you get it from your parents or? Hereditary. Yeah. Yeah. Probably not.

All right. Yeah. I always was curious about that. What would that be? He just like flinches when he's around ovens. Yeah. Something like that. I start crying every time I hear a train.

Yeah. Dude, then how would you live in New York? Just every fucking train. Every subway I get on, I'm like, not again. Dude, that's the worst is I try eating on the subway. You can't eat or drink on the subway anymore because, like, you have to have your mask on the whole time. It is a tough situation. Have you guys seen anyone get a ticket for not wearing a mask on the train?

Not one time. Yeah. But I've seen half the people on the train not wear masks. I take the bus in and out of the city every day. And like, they're supposed to do it where they're like 50% capacity. And they just, they've. fill it up almost every single time. You don't like that?

No. Yeah, Eli just put his arm around me. I don't like that. I don't want to say anything about it on the podcast, but he's not stopping. He's fingering Arden now. But it's getting pretty bad. Can we pause?

Arden can talk so well with four of my fingers in his mouth. In his mouth. Did you guys have any, I'm sure you did? Did you guys have any, like, teachers that fuck students at your high school? Oh, my high school was huge for that. Every year there was some teachers fucking teachers, teachers, fucking students, guidance counselors.

My high school was the school for that. You went there to do that. We had, I, uh, the kid's not getting laid. You're like, he's a pussy. We're going to send him here and he's going to bang all the teachers. Madison High School. How are you?

My name the teacher. Yeah, I'll name mine. I fucking got to remember. Yeah, I really don't care about the ones because there was one at our school. No, you keep going with here. I forget what I was saying. Well, because you had that bit recently about like your football coach fucking people's moms.

And I followed you at a mic like a couple weeks ago. And I was like, oh shit, I just remember this. There was a teacher at my high school that he was like he had a reputation for fucking students. Like he used to be the track and field coach. And then he wasn't allowed to coach any sports anymore. And that's such a funny way. Like they're like,

everyone was like, yeah, because he's fucking the fucking the kids. Stop coaching. That's your punishment. Like there was a rumor that one of them was my sister. And one time he gave me an A on a paper I never submitted. Maybe that's true.

Yeah. Is she doing all right? My older sister? Yeah. Yeah, she's great. Okay. She's dating. She's dating that coach.

Yeah. She only dates guys that are like 25 years older than her. Yeah. Yeah. So she's good. I'll openly out this guy because I have a joke about it. His name is Coach Wolf. And he banged a bunch of kids' moms.

And it's so funny because I just followed him on Facebook. And he just posts pictures of Wolf. and inspirational quilts. He's like when the going gets tough and I still want to comment is like, is this your thought process behind fucking kids' moms? You're like, when it gets hard,

when dad's getting the way of you fucking their wives. How many consecutive Halloween did he show up with like sheep's wool on? And he's like, once again, wolf and sheep's clothing. Yeah, something like that. I could see it.

You know, those teachers are so funny because I went in one time with my buddy. And he'd always try to intimidate us but we're like, this guy's a fucking bitch. And one time he fucking, he called us into our office. And I told my buddy,

Like whatever he do, don't imagine a gnome just butt fucking him. Wow, we're in there. My buddy's like, oh, fuck you. I'm going to think about it. And then we go in and then we have a stray face. And all of a sudden my buddy starts laughing his ass off. So now I'm picturing the gnome fucking him. And we're just laughing in this grown man's face.

He's like, you think this is funny? You think this is fucking funny. He's like, you guys come back. We literally laughed ourselves out of his office. And then my favorite thing we do is this thing called ghost fucking. So like you'd find somebody in the cafeteria. And then you would have your reflection. You know how you could see your reflection in a window.

Uh-huh. So your reflection would look like a ghost. by them and you would like make it look like you're fucking them it's very funny if you see it in oh is it like your reflections are fucking your reflections fucking them so like somebody's like eating oh i think i know you mean yeah someone on the other side of the window yeah and it looks like your ghost is like fucking their mouth while they're eating spaghettios or something ghosts probably you think they just bang people they if i was a ghost i would go to like some you just rape people all the time it's not rape well i think it is got a real yeah but what it's like the

Invisibility thing. People would obviously be perverts if they were invisible. So your excuse for raping is that you're a ghost? I never said I was raping. You would use a Ouija board to get consent. Right. Like signed in and you're like, we're good.

What's up? I write it in like the fog on the mirror. Like do you consent? Want a thing? Call me later. We had one guy though. He was like suspected or like he was like messaging a student or something like that. And then the police took the phone and started messaging as the

student to catch the guy. And he, this is my middle school. And he, his police mugshot, he was a, uh, like a swim coach. And his police mug shot, he had a goggles tan on. So it was like, I thought he was going to say he had goggles on. He didn't actually hook up with anybody, but he just like fucking tried to message people. And then we had one guy at my, how horny was he that he didn't detect like the 14 year old girl who was texting was a police officer, 35 year old cop.

Yeah. It's so funny too. because like I saw the thing was like 80 text messages. I was like, this police was really having fun with it. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

That's got, it's so funny too because I think he showed up to a parking lot and just the cops just showed up at that parking lot. That's got to be the worst feeling, man. Yeah. I've been arrested and I've been like, I've been caught for stuff,

you know, and it's a terrible feeling when you get like be fucking caught. Like it's like, it's like a shameful feeling. Yeah. Would you get arrested for? I've never mainly shoplifting. I've been arrested like four times.

Yeah. But like, I've never. never been arrested for trying to have sex with a kid. It's good you never get got. It's going to never get caught. Exactly. But like that would,

by the way, we don't support having sex with children on this podcast. No, for our sponsors, we have to say that. You have to say that you do support it? No, no,

no, we don't. Anyways, where is it? Brought to you by Mambla. Yeah. No, that would just be the worst feeling.

Yeah. You're getting caught about to have sex with a kid. Yeah. Such a shameful. Yeah, I bet you had some weird cover up. He's like, dude, this is not what it looks like at all. We're just getting a private swim lessons.

Yeah. The best is like the, I'm my favorite, there's one catch of predator. One, the dude just shows up totally naked. And then the guy's like, okay, put some fucking pants on before we have this conversation. And then the other one, I saw one where this guy shows up with like two 24 packs of like lime arenas. And he's like, I was just here to drink these myself. It's like, you were just going to get shit faced while some like 15 year old just like watches you get drunk. Right.

Yeah. That show was awesome. I think teachers are like, okay, it's a very, it's a very noble profession because they don't make a lot of money. And like when they actually care about just like education, it's like you're hanging out with people that they don't, I mean, I didn't give a shit about my education. So I didn't want to be there. I didn't fucking care. I didn't like most of my teachers. I definitely didn't respect them.

And so that's your job. That's your every single day. And then it's just every year it restarts, right? Just a new class of kids that don't give a shit about you. And you're there, like, trying to enrich their lives and educate them. And that's such, like, a noble thing. But it's also so fucking weird if you're like, that's my calling is I want to make $42,000 a year and hang out with kids all day. Yeah.

We had a teacher when I was in high school. I was probably in, like, ninth grade or something. And I was talking. He was an English teacher, which is, like, if of the teachers, that's like the lowest, right? Yeah. Because it's, why is it? Why is a language you speak? It's like, you're not like a math teacher or his teacher.

It's like reading and like... I understand, but it just seems like the most accessible... That's not English. No, but it just, it seems like the most... Also, the dumbest teachers I ever had were English teachers. But anyway, so this guy, he was the English teacher, and he was just like, he was a big dude in his late 30s. He was like, a big Ted, just completely bald. And he was like, fucking massive.

And he was an English teacher, and he was the coach of like the JV girls basketball team. Oh, boy. Yeah, and I was talking to him about it one time. And he's like, look, I like, I like teaching English, but coaching girls basketball is my passion. And I was like, that's not, you can't fucking say that to me, man. He's got a passion for smashing. Right. That's weird.

That's crazy. Yeah, that is creepy. We had one guy who, he was like a girl's volleyball coach and he got like, that should be illegal. Yeah. I mean, he got a, he got a video of like a girl twerking. And he like didn't quite get fired because they were like, okay, we don't know if he asked for it or not. And then my buddy saw him at a girls basketball. Yeah, but he has it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's three terabytes of it on his home computer. He's like, whoa, the A cloud downloaded it onto everything I own. So yeah, it's also on my computer and my phone and my wife's Mac. But my buddy said he saw him at a girls volleyball game just like sweating. Like he went to shake his hand and he was like, hey, man, what's going on? Like, yeah, he was like just excited or nervous or something. Just like duct tape all around his crotch to keep his bono down.

we had I used to run a bit about this but we had a we had a band teacher when I was in high school and he was like so fucking weird with girls and this dude was like again it was in his 30s or 40s yeah and like he was teaching bands so it was like everyone from like ninth grade to 12th grade right and he like everyone one time it was 100% true it was like when juicy couture was popular there was a girl wearing those sweatpants and he walked past her and he just screamed that but is juicy. I don't know like Mr. Fitsky. Oh yeah, yeah. You told me everybody thought he was just like the man.

Yeah. Like Loki, he was just the creepiest fucking guy. He fucking like this girl leaned forward in his class and was like the bit. But like she was wearing a thong and it rode up and this guy was like 40 and walked behind this 15 year old girl and hooked her thong and yanked it back in front of a class full of students and just yelled snap daddy and just let it go. Yeah. And all that would like happen in movies in the 80s like those high school.

Right. comedies. What if that's why he began to teach you. He saw the movies. Like, dude, this is sick. That's my dream.

Creepy as fuck. And everybody thinks you're, yeah. You almost got to feel bad for them. Because, like, that was accepted for so long. And then people are like, no, that's weird.

I'm not going to tolerate it anymore. Which is good. We're going to find out that's going on with us in comedy. We're like, oh, we're so PC. And then we're going to look back. We're like, oh, we were basically just verbal child molesters. Verbal child molesters.

No, yeah. It's not going to be like that. Hopefully not. But I got to be real quick. You guys find something to talk about. I swear to God, if there's dead air on this podcast, I'm going to beat the living shit out of a random guy because you guys are both stronger than me.

All right. I actually have a topic because you texted us. Was it that poem that you wanted to read? No, it's not a poem. Yeah, yeah. Thank God my mic's on. So Michael Good texted us to like go at each other. Sure.

About he said Arden have some good Jew talk. Yeah. Like talk shit about Jews and you to talk about me. He didn't know what I was, but I'm Albanian. And I decided to not do that, but just bring this book. I brought a book called Rescue in Albania. Yeah. And there's an Albanian flag and Israeli flag on the cover of it.

Yeah, it's a real book. Did you print that earlier today? I didn't print it to convince me that like Albanians and Jews are friends? No, not friends. It's an obvious alpha-beta relationship. Oh, that we, I wouldn't call them friends. I would call one a hero and the other one, the woman in distress. Wow, okay.

Yeah. Well, can I guess who is who? Read the rest of the title. 100% of Jews. Okay, so the title of this is rescue in Albania. Sounds like a movie. 100% of Jews in Albania rescued from Holocaust. Yeah.

So, like, I was joking, by the way. I didn't actually. Yeah. Well, that's the direction we're going. Arden brought some literature. literature. Yeah, I brought a book and there's a... Wait, that's hilarious.

Yeah. So... Is this a manual of some kind? It's printed like it's like an auto manual. I don't know what an auto manual is. Like for a car? No. But I'm just saying like, look, it's all about how we...

How we helped you. Chapter 3 is Jewish refugees. I like that. That's a good name for a chapter. So it's just like a... Chapter 6 was the Germans. So you're... You're welcome.

Is this a gift for me? No. Oh, okay. But it's just me letting you know. Is this your dad? This is framed in your house? letting you know. And at the end of the book, they asked the Albanians why they helped the Jews and they just said it because we were bored. 41. World War II ended four years after that, right?

You don't read the whole book. No, I didn't. Did you read the whole book? We helped you. You're probably one of these people. No, most of my ancestors were murdered. Yeah, but the ones that weren't saved by Arden's great-grandfather. 100%. Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah, I don't want to do an Ancestry.com thing. I think I'm going to find out it was bad. stuff I was tied to. Yeah. But everyone like is at some point in their lineage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah. Like everyone's ancestors have done something terrible. Yeah. Well, I mean, people had sex with 13 year olds for like years. Because that's when they became women. Yeah. In fact that. Well, in your religion technically. Yeah. Twelve, actually. Wait, I thought Bar Mitz was 13. Bar Mitz was 13. Bat Mitz was 12. What's the difference between...

Wait, what? Really? Yeah. Well, bars for a boy. So it's like, that's a boy becomes a man at 13 and a bat mitzvah is 12. That's when a girl becomes a woman. Is there a big celebration for that? Because women mature younger.

Not all women reach, like, peak sexual maturity at 16 years old. Some of them actually achieve peak sexual maturity younger than that. That's a great argument. You know, writing this down for defense? Jews... And like, Jews do mature because I live in a Jewish neighbor and I see them like, just like an eight-year-old girl walking a carriage with a baby in it. And there's no adults around. They're walking down the street.

So they're taught how to be like parents pretty quickly. Yeah, they're groomed to be like brood sows from a pretty young. But they also get married when they're like fucking 15, 16. Yeah, that's pretty wild. Which I thought was like illegal in this country. No, if you, if both people are the same age, I think you can. And then even if the parents consent to something, I know Lisa Ann.

Because my logic is that like a marriage. Where was that going? Lisa Ann had this thing where she was in Las Vegas and she agreed to have sex with a 16 or 17 year old guy. If their parents agreed to it because that's the law, because she thought it would be funny. Yeah. But did he, did the 16 year old reach out?

She couldn't find anybody. She posted an ad about it. She's like, I'm trying to have sex to the 16 year old or something. How old was she at the time? Or like 40 something. How long ago was this? Art is like, I can pretend to be 16. It's like a couple years ago.

I saw her like talking about it on a podcast. She's like, yeah, nobody fucking signed up for it. I thought it would be funny to like have somebody's parents. But what is, I mean,

I guess it would matter like what the age of consent in Las Vegas or Nevada is. Yeah, I don't know. It's still creepy, but it's also, it's so weird.

I'm so sexist when it comes to this like guys hooking up with older girls or girls. Like I don't know how to describe it other than like some sexism that I haven't figured out how to describe

because it's like I do think it's a different thing. Like, for example, I was on Snapchat and there was a story. Like they have news articles on Snapchat now. And one of them was about this TikTok trend of like these young girls bragging about like getting money on Venmo showing their balance like plus 200 plus 500 from sugar daddies.

Right. And it drives me fucking crazy. Yeah, because it's so crazy. I hate it. But it's like I don't know if I hate. They're showing off. And then I hate the guys, those 40 year old dudes who are just sending money. Well, okay.

So there's two things there. Because like my bank accounts, bro. It sucks. I can't even compete with these kids. You could probably find somebody. You'd have to be a little bit more explicit with what you do. What do you mean? But you wouldn't just be able to like dance on there.

But if you were willing to do anything on video for money, you could probably get people to send you some money. If like really like an old lady? Probably a man. I don't want to do it sending me money. I think it's money. It doesn't matter at that point. You're not fucking the person.

It's money. Yeah. Though dude, I, there is, okay. I don't know if I told you. I definitely didn't tell you this. There's this guy. All right. So I go to AA meetings, right?

And I go to, like, they're all remote now. Yeah. And there's this dude that he's in like another country. And he's older gay man. And he just like started talking to me, like through Zoom messaging me, whatever. And I'm like, yeah, whatever. And he's like, oh, yeah, whatever. And he's like, oh, great share.

I love your stuff. And I was like, oh, thank you. Great share. And then he was like, uh, it's like, uh, pretty much like when a guy will say to a girl comic good set. Great share. Yeah, great share. I love that. And then so he's like, hey, what's at me? And that's like very, very common in AA, which is like, let's connect.

Why is WhatsApp common in A? Not WhatsApp. He's in another country. That's why he said that. But it's not at all weird for like one member of A.A. to be like, hey, give me your number. So I think of WhatsApp, I think it's a whole community. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, that's why I was a little bit like this is a weirdly specific. Yeah. Only fans me.

Yeah. But so whatever he says that, and then we start talking. And, uh, really. You're anonymous with this one, by the way, you lie. Well, I haven't said his name. Okay, there you guys. But he's, you know, he's whatever. He's some, like, older gay man. Yeah.

And he's living overseas. And, uh, he's like talking to me or whatever. And he at one point, and I know why he's talking to me because we're not talking about like, like, recovery or alcohol. Yeah. I'm like, he's just talking about me. He's like, so what do you do? You know, like, I see you. Like, you must be an actor or something.

I see you in those meetings. And I'm like, no, I'm not, man. And, uh, so he, he, at one point, he just, like, slips it into conference. conversation real quick. He's like, yeah, well, when you came out of the closet, like, you were probably this age, blah, blah. And I was like, ah, I got to stop you there. I'm not gay. And he was like, oh, whatever. I'm sorry. Blah, blah, blah. And he starts talking to me and, and I don't know how, but we just start talking about like a girl that I had sex with recently. And he's just asking me all these questions. And so I'm giving him all these details. And he just like gets way overboard with it. And he's like, jerking off. Yeah. Yeah. And then he starts like messaging me about it. all the time and he's just like, yeah, did you ever see that girl again? And these are, I go read one of the messages that this dude sent me.

It's hell yeah. Fucking crazy. Where's WhatsApp? Like, the text ends. He's like, would you ever jerk off to a girl, but into my anus? At one point, he's like, all right, you could stop telling the story I already came.

He like, I was like, tell him about this. He's like, wait, I was like, no, no, no, no. Wait, what? I'm in my recovery period. now. He's like, thank you so much. I've been having very inappropriate thoughts about you. But that's my present. So thank you. And I'm like, ugh, God. And you keep texting him after that. Well, I had to shut it down recently. I'm just trying to find this one message. He's like, I'm going to relapse. If you don't sex me back, Eli, you're my sponsor. Um, is they talking about like, hey, I hope the sex got better with that girl. And I was like, nah, it's the same. It's still pretty good. And he goes, I want to see, I want to see what you look like when you come.

I want to see you sweat. Yeah. So I feel like if you find a guy like that, you could probably send him some videos and make like quite a bit of money. Yeah. You should ask Arden like jokingly sends you like Arden, we should have an ab off as a joke and then just send that guy pictures of Arden's body. Yeah.

For money though. Say it's yours. Yeah, you have to get money out of it. Yeah, you guys can split a half and a half. Totally. What are you saying? Well, just to go back to like that TikTok. thing about like those girls like well it's not tic talk it's just sugar baby sugar daddy's that whole

like they're posting bragging about like their venmo balance money from these guys but it's like you have two things there it's like one thing would be i think people would be supportive of those girls because they're like fucking good for them you know what i mean like taking money from these schmuck guys who are like super creepy but at least they're getting paid for it you know like fucking they're not having sex with them they're just like shaking their ass who knows what they're actually sending but they are getting getting paid for it. So good for them. That's empowering. But the other side of that is like, is it really empowering? Is it really empowering? I don't, I don't know. Like I get money because

I'm nice to this guy. It's really sad. Yeah, but you're giving so the sexual favors. I don't know that's really necessarily. Just because you get money. The guy also, I mean, people like to think that sex work is empowering now. And that is an offshoot of sex work. I could see that. Even if it's mainly emotional. But the problem is. Yes. That's definitely weird. But it also like, it encourages that kind of behavior in guys. Yeah, which is kind of an issue. Oh, I can just objectify you and I can give you money and I can get what I want from you. Yeah.

And it's like that I think is. Well, I'm all for like full prostitution being legal like. Yeah, I don't give a shit. Because I think it cuts down sex trafficking probably because it's like and then people that are like, let's say you're like, I don't know why. Whenever I think of somebody going to a prostitute, I mean, I have friends that have got a prostitutes obviously. I don't know if I can judge.

But when I think of a prostitute guy, I think of a guy with like his business tie kind of down. And he's just having sex with like some random prostitute on the street that he doesn't how old she is or like how she got there. But if you have like a brothel, it's like you have an organized system of like making sure these people are clean and making sure they're not children and make sure they're not like abducted. Because it's usually a lady running the brothel, right?

Yeah. Sometimes not. I want to go to a brothel, but I want them to be Eastern European and young. And that's all to look scared. That's what I'm paying for. That's every brothel. Exactly. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know. Also, I hate to randomly steer the top. off because I don't really care what we talk about, but I just want to talk about a little bit. I'm kind of pissed because I asked a wizard to be on my podcast and he said no. The one in Washington's court party? No, a different guy. Maybe it's a different guy.

I don't know. I was like, kind of a dick move. And he had his own podcast. Where did you find him? At first I thought it was like a wizard code thing. I just Googled New York City Wizard. Somebody told me there's wizards. Well, he's like a wizard like in the KKK.

No, he's like a grand wizard. No, he's like somebody that just, I don't know if he maybe. Is that why their hats are poiny? Oh, shit. I never thought about that. Me neither. I thought that's why you said. Didn't they say they allow Jews in the KKK?

Really? Yeah, after like a bunch of like bombing synagogues. Like, okay, well, now it's cool. Yeah, you guys are, we know who the real enemy is. Yeah, like, our numbers are slacking. Well, I always thought the KKK was like they hated black people, but they really hated Jews because they thought like Jews were like controlling black people and getting them to like cause mischief or whatever they think is wrong with black people.

Yeah, I thought they hated black people, but I know they hated Jews. Yeah. Because, like, they think that my understanding was they always thought, like, black people were inferior to white people. But they thought that Jews were, like, evil and, like, up to no good and, like, kind of pulling the strings. That makes sense. They think that that that doesn't make sense, but I'm saying. No, that's in line with a lot of stuff I've read. Yeah.

No, no, no. I mean, like, their logic is that Jews are superior to other races because they're white, but they're the evil versions they're manipulating. I don't know if they think they're, like, superior to other races or, like, they think that, like, Jews are, they're, like, pure evil. So like they're just always trying to like pull. That's why they control the media and that's why they control the weather. And they're just always trying to like get people. I think it's probably so funny. I bet you a clan person

like literally sees people as like mythical creatures. Like they see chews. That's what it sounds like they call themselves wizards and dragons. Yeah. That's so funny. These guys believe in all of that bullshit. That's so funny. But like in their mind like when they daily walk like they're like probably scared in a way. They're like, oh my God, there's a Jew over there. I saw an orc at

the grocery store today. Yeah. It was just a black guy. That's how they see it. Yeah. Exactly. that's hilarious oh man that's yeah they're just walking around constantly hallucinating no wonder they're so if you were lived in a world that was populated by like mythical creatures from lord of the rings like dwarves like real dwarves with axes and fucking armies of orcs and like legions of elves like you would very much be like no I'm only comfortable with human people like myself yeah yeah if your brain was that to story well it's crazy people don't realize how young they got it so I was bored and I looked on the clan's website because I was writing a joke about them

not great internet search history to have on your laptop. Well, I looked up, they have like, no, you should go on Chris Ryder and Chris Baysmore's podcast. What? Their podcast is called I Can Explain That.

And like you, I did it the other week for the first time. I know Chris Ryder. Is Chris Baysmore also black? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And so they do it at their house and much like you,

whatever. And so I sat, I went to their house and I go to do their podcast and I sit down and like, welcome to I can explain that pot. There's like their intro. Welcome to I can explain that podcast, the podcast where we go through your internet search history and you have to explain that. I did not know

that's what we're done today. Yeah, but keep going. No, that's hilarious. But they have summer camps for like the clan, for like kids. And then they also had their own podcast, which is kind of hilarious. Oh, they probably have more viewers than me. Definitely. Yeah, yeah. People being curious what they're talking about. And people really agreeing with what they're talking about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I bet they have a pretty big base. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Yeah. But it's just so funny to think about like how that even goes. Like, do they just talk about? Have you not listen to it. No, I was just like, I feel weird listening to it even. I'm like, that's surprised. It's like you, like people, you can get in trouble for like consuming certain ideologies. But it's like, I just think it's crazy. It's not going to change my opinion. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm Jewish. They're not going to like me no matter what. They're going to be talking

about me a little bit. I'm sure. I just want to hear like how blatant is it. Like, are they just talking about random shit? Like, are they just talking about football like a normal podcast? Let's check it out. I would love that. Yeah. We're about to commentate it. The commentated the clan podcast. Welcome to the clan cast where we love hate or something like that. I don't know. How do they start it? I feel like it's going to be their like they're the clan.

Welcome to KKK network. The only podcast aligned with white ideals. And who caught that Browns game last night? Come on. Do they have sponsors? Infinite CBD. Yeah. Like clock.

Roman. It's sad that that's all. It sponsors everybody. Yeah. Every podcast, I feel weird when I listen to them. You know, because you feel like they're talking to you. Like, hey, you, you, dick not working motherfucker. Fucking Edy having.

It's either your hair is falling out or your dick doesn't work. The only reason you're listening to this podcast is because your dick don't work. Yeah. Otherwise, you can be fucking right now. What is this? It's the new Roman ads. Have you heard them? No.

Yeah, we should get paid for that. Hey, I have a question. I was thinking about this the other day. You think when you die that you could like, if you could get buried or cremated, do you think you could do like half and half? Oh my God. Wait, this is called White Resistance News.

Why don't people do that? Wake up a married. What if when you die, you're like, I only want my feet to be cremated. Yeah. And buried the rest of the men. Wait, wait a second. Sorry, I just got to look at this.

It says white pride radio. Oh. Freedom rings. The Rust Bills. Klansman hate crime report is that like hate crimes against white people that they're trying to like to say is like a big thing or just like fictional there's just a category says children that's probably not good. Cross examine should be called burning cross examine.

I like how self where they're like alt right TV. But this is also a horrible website. Is your just computer or doesn't load stuff? My computer show anti-racism that won't know. Well, I don't even load because there's no pictures on this website. like a grayish background and a red header. Yeah, I don't know. What if there were pictures on the website,

but only Michael Good could see them because they're pictures of us. This is hilarious. It's so annoying. That'd be interesting if they were like so technologically advanced. Like only somebody like Michael Good could see the truth. Yeah, but there's no way they have somewhere like that and they don't have anybody like in China. Because isn't China like where's number one in tech?

My dad will tell you it's Israel. Oh, there you go. You've got some articles up now. Okay, we got country music opening it. Jesus. Like, the FBI or NSA or... Sorry for the listeners of this taking too long. I think this is the wizard guys' podcast.

What if it's that wizard I try to have on my podcast? He's like, no, thank you. I'm alone. All right. I'm just not going to get into it. That's just going to be. That's what I'm going to read about that later tonight. Yeah, yeah, I don't want to sit through us just going through.

Yeah, that's something you want to have to hold up and ready to go. Yeah. Well, how about Ardinge pulls up his fucking internet history? He has all downloads of it. I have a boring internet history. Because I don't go on crazy shit like you do. My thing is like... I go incognito mode.

Yeah, so that's, when I was on that podcast, people afterwards were like... Because, I mean, I guess I had like an interesting internet search history or whatever. And people were like, you want when you watch porn on your phone or like go to these websites, you don't do it. private browsing. It's my phone. Yeah, I'm the same way. I also want to look back because sometimes I want to find a porn video I was watching. So I'll go back. Yes. I try to find it. Yeah. That's the worst when you try to find one from like when you were like fucking 16 and you're like this is on here somewhere.

I know. I remember hundreds of pages. And she's still just as beautiful as she was 10 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever seen the worst is I've gone through porn videos and then you have like a POV of the woman like talking about why she quit porn and you're like, oh, I thought she was enjoying it this whole time. I've seen that before. She's like, but those are like professional porn stars, right? Yeah, yeah. Because I watch pretty much exclusively amateur porn. That's a risky road.

Why? Why is that? I mean, you don't know the scenarios. I don't know. I assume it's fine. What, like,

like, is there snuff films? Or if it's their age or like whether it's consensual. I think it's harder to tell, but I watch a lot of amateur too, but I mean, I'm not like, how do I word this?

I'm not worried that she's going to be like too young because that's not what I'm looking at, for you know what i'm not looking for like amateur porn like searching like amateur teen or young girlfriend young young young amateur young young yeah you know i'm just like amateur girlfriend is that the name of a long young young young young young young young young young young young sweet tight teen milf yeah yeah i think we've honestly covered 50 minutes of pedophilia on this fucking podcast already. I'm trying to figure out this new, this pedophile joke that I told you about it.

Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to say it now, but I've been having pedophiles on the brain. I hooked up with this girl last night. And, uh, after,

after we had sex, she's asking me what I do. I was like, I do stand up and she said, oh, you're a comic. That's so cool. And I was like,

yeah. And she's like, what do you talk about on stage? Which is like, that's such a weird question when somebody asks you like, I'm like, I don't have like, I'm not like political, you know, so I don't have like, oh, I talk about these things.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever I think is funny I'll talk about. Yeah. And she was like, what are you talking about lately? And I was like, I'm trying to figure out this thing about pedophiles. And then she got like so upset because apparently she works with like small special needs children. What does that have to do with pedophiles? I don't know.

She's like very sensitive about it, I guess. It was very uncomfortable. I'm impressed that you had sex little girl without telling her that you were a comedian. Yeah. You just had sex? We just had sex. I was heading home last night after the, after the show, because I was going to do the seven got canceled. And I was like got somebody with Graham and Ryder.

And this- You got a lot for a gram-with-Gram and writer? What? So the second show, there were a lot of people in the crowd? No, we were all on the first show, but it didn't happen. I think it was like four people for the nine. Jake was on it, though. They looked like fun.

But like, I was about to leave there and just got like a message on Bumble. And this girl was like, hey, I live in the town over. from you when are you going to be home there you go yeah so i'm gonna hate this guy man you hate how much he gets every day he's like yeah i was at sex last night yeah i'm not i thought like the pandemic would be weird and i wouldn't really be getting laid that much i think i took like a period of time where i wasn't yeah and i've been yeah i've been having a lot of sex when i was back home my friends were getting laid like so much because they were just like everybody's bored right all day so well like over like i was seeing like one

person. We were like, hanging out. Because I lived alone. She lived alone. She had a car. But yeah, I've been surprised how willing people are to to mash, mash their bits together lately. Yeah. Yeah, well, that's what I've heard to people talking about that because, like, I mean, I've never been single. I haven't been single in like four years. I haven't been single four years. I woke up. Well, I have my mom and now I have my girlfriend. I was just dating a different baby as I was growing up. No, but I never like, yeah, I never like, what's it called? I was never single during the pandemic, but a lot of people told me they're like, it's so weird because you go on these dates and you're like all wearing masks and you're like so far apart. And the next thing you know, that has not been my experience. Really? My experience has been like most of the people are like, they just show up and they're, I mean, I've gotten out with a few people who are like, yeah, I've gone out with a lot of people who are like, yeah, we'll like show up under the pretense of being. I mean, I've gone out with. We're like, yeah, we'll like show up under the pretense of being. careful, but like I'm here because I want to have sex.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this one guy told me, he said the girls wearing a mask and stuff, and then he like didn't ask him to wear a condom. So he's just like, raw talk somebody, but like they're wearing masks beforehand. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, nice. Eli just put his hand on Arden's leg. Yeah, he's just likes

making me uncomfortable. Upper five. Upper five. It's upper five. He makes the way. I'd make fun of the way Arden talks. It is kind of funny. I always had Arden and Jake on. And that would have been a nightmare because you guys are both so monotone. Jake would be like, yes,

you wouldn't be able to tell who is that. We're at all right about, yeah, yeah, all horns. Finish each other's sentences. I've been having that weird, like,

do I project when I do stand up? I don't know if I have a good voice. I think you do. Yeah. I got to listen to my shit. That's the most painful thing in the world. Listen to your set. Even if I hate the sound of my own voice.

Yeah. Even sets where you murder. Yeah. You sound like a fucking loser. Yeah. Yeah, I used to... Every podcast I've been on, every set I've done. I always hate listening to them.

I never listen to podcasts a month, but like even sets. I'm like trying to like edit, share, figure stuff out. But it's such a hurdle to get over. Yeah. Well, sometimes it'll only pick up my voice, but not the audiences. So like... You gotta keep the thing in a... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

In a good way. But it's always, it sounds worse. It sounds better in the room. Like, you think you did. It sounds like you're doing better in the room. that it does on your phone. Yeah, exactly. But I don't know which one of those is real.

Is the room real? I think in the room is real. That's what I'm going to tell myself, too. Because it picks up ambient noise, not as well, you know? Yeah. You guys believe in aliens? No, I used to. What happened?

I think you just get bored of it. Like, you're like, I'm never going to know. So why? And I want to be surprised if it's real. By the way, this is what I go to when I run out of things to talk about. I'd rather be like, holy shit, there's aliens than I knew it. I knew they were aliens. It's just like a total dick about it.

You guys are all fucking idiots. I also, it always freaks me out when people talk about aliens coming on Earth. And they're like, there's so much more advanced. Like we're going to get invaded. Well, if they came here, they would be so much more. They're not going to get here. Exactly. Yeah, that's true.

They were like, actually, we were trying to go to our moon. That could have fucked it up. That could happen. Three million years ago, now we're here. Also, we live for. They could accidentally come here. It's like it would be so, they'd be coming from so far away that have to have a certain technology.

Unbelievably far away for them to get here and be alive. You're right, you're right. But my whole thing is like we always think they're going to be way more advanced. Because we're pretty fucking advanced. Like if we found them, they'd probably look at us and be like, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. I would love for them to see like the lowest sect of our society and think it's advanced.

They see like a homeless guy jerking off into a trash can. They're like, look at their technology. They can do whatever they want. Yeah. You remember in the scary movie, whichever one it was, when they pee out their fingers. Oh, yeah, yeah. They say hi by, like, kicking each other in the balls. Those movies were fucking good.

I guess we're not that different after all he pees out of his finger. That was Leslie Nielsen, right? One, two, three, four are great. People only say one and two are good. No, all of them. All of fucking all four of the other. What's three? Three is the one with Simon Rex with like the ring.

Yeah, I love Simon Rex. Dirt Nasty used to be my jam. Yeah, dirt nasties. What was the nasties that wanted? be was the album. But that was another song. It was 1980. Yeah, but that's not off that album. No, nasty. Dude, I love that I found another Durnasty fan. I fucking loved

Dertie. Dude, he's the best. You know, my favorite is he is so funny. He was a bunch of old Kesha songs. Like, he's like in her music videos and stuff. Well, she's in one of his Miami Nights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great song. Yeah, I love, yeah. I fucking love that whole album. I like the animal lover. Have you read that one? I don't

think so. He's like, I'm an animal lover. My dog knows. Every single night, I fuck his asshole. He just songs are just like so dumb. But my thing is like, I think we're recording such a dumb podcast. But it's so funny that somebody in the studio, they're like, we need another take of that. Like he just went through. He's like, I fuck my dog's asshole.

But it's also, the music is pretty well produced. Like, it's actually like some pretty good beats on there. And like, it's all silly and it's hypersexual. But like, yeah. Are you thinking of fuck me on famous? Fuck me on famous is good. I think my favorite one of his is maybe like Canal Street. Oh, yeah.

Or the one about, I have the album. now on my phone actually. I like the group that he was in. Three loco. Oh yeah, that was fun. With Andy Monarch is my favorite person. It's nasty as I want to do. This came on 2010.

Yeah. And then milk, milk lemonade is good. That's what's too short. Right? It's good. What's the one that had Warren G on there? I think that's milk milk lemonade,

wasn't it? It might have. Yeah, I know Too Short is in that. And then Warren G does the... Two Short is on, yeah. It's not my girl, but I'm in a mouth. I can't dance.

That was the first one I ever heard of his. I'm too Jewish. Yeah. Somebody put that on. Yeah. Because I was working at a bar and somebody put that on for me. And I was like, this guy's fucking awesome. He used to be, he has a podcast now.

It's actually kind of. He's hilarious. He's great. I've ever seen his, I, before I ever heard his music, I mean, I saw him in, in scary movie three whenever that came out. So it was pretty young. That was my first introduction to him.

I never saw him on MTV when he had whatever show he had. Dude, he likes his interviews with like Tupac. Yeah. That's hilarious. He's been around for a while. Yeah, Yeah, but he's like the perfect level of celebrity where it's like he's probably making enough money to like live good. That's how you want to be every once in a while.

And anyone who recognizes you, like if they're, if they're aware of you enough to recognize you and they don't like work in entertainment, they're just a random person on the street, they're going to be so amped to see you. Oh yeah. But 99% of the people are not going to have any idea who you are. And he's probably got like a couple million dollars. Yeah, doing great. Yeah. It's not like an obnoxious. That's awesome.

But like when I first really found out about him was like right before that album came out. was like 2009, 2010 or something. I found like a series of YouTube videos he made where he's like, he has one called Palatial regalia. Oh yeah. And he's just using those two words all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

So fucking fun. It's so dumb, but it's so funny. He had a funny thing making fun of the Matthew McConaughey video. You know, Matthew McConaughey video was like, so basically we're so alone, but so we're together in this virus. It's like the most ridiculous. But dirt nasty made fun of it.

It's so funny. That's not as bad is the responsibility one is pretty bad. What the black and white things with all the Responsibility. Fuck you. No, you don't. What does that? Also, what does that mean you take responsibility? Like, is that? Because that's like, you're kind of saying it's your fault.

Yeah. You know the scapegoats for racism? Yeah, you're like, oh wait. So slavery. All right, we got one guy we can blame it on. You guys want to take responsibility? Okay, great. Can I not feel bad about anything anymore?

You know what you did that? I haven't seen that. No, I thought you guys were talking about the BP oil spill. We're sorry for doing it. We take. responsibility for that. No, it's,

dude, I keep getting so many, I gave money to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. Like, I just don't, I was like, let me like, I got all this unemployment money.

Let me just fucking, I don't do the right. What are you donating to? Their campaign, I guess. Yeah, but why now? They're fucking,

they don't need advertising. I did it like over a month ago. I gave him like 15 bucks. I was like, here you go. First off, I gave them $15. I'm going to match your donations for Trump,

though. Yeah, but I don't, I don't, I don't. That makes no sense to me Because even if you love them I want to vote for them

Why would you give them money? I don't know That's weird Yeah, it just felt like It was like, Well, you give me money I'm fucking

Yeah I gave Barton, I sent Arden money And then I told them to send it back to me Yeah, I didn't get that For the cash app thing For the cash app thing

When Ryan was like Everyone sign up If you send me I don't know why I didn't get $15 back Yeah And then I was like

I didn't even think about it I just downloaded it And I sent my 5 to Arden And I was like, Hey, Send that back to me And he did and so I have $20 and I was talking to him about it.

He's like, did that work? And I was like, yeah, as soon as you send it, you get the 15. So he sent it back and I have 20. And I was like, why? Did you just send it to Ryan? And then he didn't send the five back? And he's like, yeah. Yeah.

I gave Ryan five. I got 15 and then he keeps. So you still, you're up 10. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine with it. I don't know how Ryan found out, found out how to make money like that. It's cool. I mean, if you get 20 people to do it, you make 100 bucks.

Good for him. He knows how to make money. I think he likes Google's how to make money. He probably writes Google articles and how to make money. He should. Yeah. Gets paid for that too. Selling co-hangers?

That's the first time I ever met him. By the way, he was on episode. Yeah, he walks up to fucking, uh, this open mic. He's like, I'm selling fucking coat hangers. You want one? I'm like, no. And he's like, I found these an alleyway. And then I see him go to like a, uh, just like a Chinese laundromat place.

And he's like, you guys want fucking co-hangers? Oh, my. I remember that day. I do remember that day. We were at J.R's pizza. The J-Rs, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Juniors. He steals those signs. I want to buy, I literally want to buy one of them. The one that says like no smoking and it's written in Chinese. He's got a gang of those though. He is like, if you've seen his Instagram,

he has a whole bunch of those. Yeah. Those are sick. Those are amazing. Yeah. My brother did. My brother used to live on the Upper East Side for like 10 years and he would just steal like road signs whenever they were like lying around.

And he has a whole like wall of them now. Oh yeah. Those are always cool. Yeah. There's so much bigger than you think you think they are. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're all the way up there.

Right. And you're like five, what? I'm like, you know, I was a 510, 511, you know? You're not 511. I'm like somewhere around there. How are you, I'm 6-2? No, you're not. I'm 6-2.

You are not 6-2. Yeah, yeah. I told you you. 5-10, 5-11. Yeah, I could believe that. Yeah. I'm trying to say that you're small. Short.

People love to think I'm insecure about my height. He's fucking half this city. Why would he? I know. That's fine. That's why I make fun of them. physically about me. I'm fine with.

People try so hard to get something on me. Yeah, but you're like scrawny. Yeah. I'm not. Yeah, exactly. And people can't respond to you saying. Pretty good shape.

Yeah. No, yeah, you'd fuck smoke too much. Yeah. So. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

I like, I never got addicted to cigarettes. I literally smoked them just to be cool and then just like never got addicted to. I've never got addicted to it. I've never seen you smoke. Yeah, I smoked like kind of on and off. Like I, when I worked in restaurants, I smoked more.

And then like, I would literally do it just so I get a smoke break. And then also like when I first started comedy, I do it like outside of open mic sometimes. And then if I'm drunk, I'll have a cigarette here and there. I love it before I go on stage. Have you ever bonged tobacco? Bonged tobacco? I did. I smoked out of this like pipe.

I was in, in Vietnam. And they have this like, they have this pipe. It's like a big piece of wood. Sure was an opium. I'm pretty sure it wasn't opium. But it's like, yeah, it's a bong. It's just they're all made out of just like a fucking piece of wood they find and then like a metal screen like from a sink or some shit. And they'll just load it up with no, there's no water in it.

Well, then it's not a bong. Yeah, right. It just looks like a bong, but it's essentially a big pipe. But it's like on an angle and everything. And they'll load that up with tobacco and they just like rip the whole fucking bowl of just tobacco. And it's like so harsh. Dang. It makes you pretty light.

And I tried it one time. And it was like, since it's, fucking really intense. I would bong a cigarette right now to bored him. We got like 10 more minutes, but I don't know. That might be a whole thing. Yeah, I have cigarettes. What you want to do is that what we're going to do?

Yeah, I mean, I'm probably not going to smoke out of your bong if you use it to smoke pot, but I'll watch you smoke. You know what, let's end. You guys talk about something for a second. Let's just do that. Let's see how lightheaded I get. All right. Could I tell you something? Yeah, of course.

I'm not going to say I cried last night, but I was very close to crying because I was on GoFund me. And I was just reading these fucking like whatever you call them. What do you call when a person posts on co-fund me? Or bio? Yeah, like they're a call for whatever. Yeah, yeah, call for help. Yeah. And I was reading one and it was like this lady got a like stage stage 10 cancer.

Yeah. Like she's going to die soon. That really like touches. She has a child. It's nothing to do with me. Yeah. And she's talking about like she has a kid. And it's like a long.

I had cancer too. But you know, they operated and I'm fine. She's like, yeah, I have blood cancer. All of my blood is cancer. You should go to my doctor. He was great. Is it your balls, miss?

Are your balls the problem? So I'm reading it and it's like it's so sad and it was well written. You know? Like the GoFundMe, it was like a nice essay. And I'm thinking like it's a tearjerker, but there's someone out there with the same disease that doesn't have like the writing skills. And that's the saddest thing. Like I don't want to give her money.

Because it's so well written, like I have a son and I won't be able to see him go to high school. But there's some lady. You could just like become a copywriter and, you know, make a little bit of money doing that. There's some lady who just found out she got cancer and her, she doesn't have like the ability. She's like, I just, I'm going to die in a week. Give me money. Yeah. And we look, no.

I don't want to give that lady. I have not eloquent enough to live. Wait, quick question. Do you know what your ball? Do you mind if I talk about that? Yeah. Can we see it? No.

It looks like a normal thing. No, but what's like, what's it made out of though? What? What's it made out of? Iron. You know who told me? Very rusty iron. I don't know what the fuck it's made out of.

Silicon. Yeah, I guess. I didn't really ask questions. That's all that surgical shit is made of a silicon. Silicon. One of fake tits are made of silicon, but they're also made of saline sometimes. Well, that's just water in a bag, right? Yeah, yeah.

It's like that woman I had on the last one, like the blackface woman with like the huge boobs. Yeah, it was like judge giant saline tits. They'll also do them sometimes they'll, they do my sister had cancer and so she had a mastectamine and they'll, they have an operation is more expensive where they'll do liposuction on one part of your body

and they'll take that fat and then make that fat into a tit. Can they deal that with a dick? Maybe. I think you don't have the length of it though. They'd have to like, but they say like for penis enlargement, they have like, there's penis that's inside of you and then you can pull it out. In your ass. You ever go,

It's not like in your butthole. Like take it out. There was a whole dick in your ass. Would you go under the knife with a surgeon who that's how he explained what he was going to do? Take your dick out of your ass and put it on to the end up. You don't understand. It's like you have more dick inside of you. And I'm going to bring it out.

Are you going to blow me? Is that what your plan is here? No. You know, you guys know Peter Wong, right? Yeah. He's very funny. He asked me because he heard me do my cancer set. And then like a week later I saw him and he was like, did you get like a new perspective on life?

after going through something like that, surviving cancer. And it's like it was something that happened, but it lasts like two days. You know? You know like when you get motivated? If you became like just like after that, you're like, I'm going to live every single day to the fullest.

That's what you say to yourself. Like, you know, I'm going to really go at life. I'm going to write things down. You came out of it just pretty much the exact same person. But everyone would. Right. Because that's what people say.

I want somebody who wants to live like, their life, like they're dying, but like in a fun way. Like everybody's like, I'm gonna spend more time my family know. I want some guy who's like buying giraffes and like skydiving on meth. Why would you hang out with your family more? Yeah. Like I'm gonna waste out. Maybe you become a total asshole. You're like, dude, I

was fucking nice to people. That was boring and shit. I'm gonna go be a dick. I'm gonna just punch people in the nuts. Right. And then just, that's, yeah. That's the more realistic route. Yeah. Like, fuck this. I'm not being nice for anyone. I'll never use a condom again. Hardin's like I've never was one of the first place. But, whatever.

But wait, no, but is that a person who thinks he's going to die? Like, he's like, I'm going to die. So fuck it. I'll just do whatever I want. Or is it a person who's like, I thought I was going to die. Yeah. That's the TV show is you have a guy in the first few episodes who's like, he thinks he's going to die. So he's just like a horrible person.

Yeah. And he's like, fucking, I'm going to spend all my money on whatever and like take money from loan sharks, whatever. And then he finds out he's going to live. Yeah. And then he's like, I've got to pay all this fucking money back because I have another 40 years on my clock. Yeah. But that's like people who live in shitty like environments.

They're like, they're like, fuck this. I could die any day living in this shitty neighborhood. So I'm going to do crazy shit. Like the six, right? What is that? What's the six? Is it Toronto? I don't know.

Drake talks about it. Oh, I don't know if I just had a Drake lyric. But, you know, people that are hardcore like Drake. Like Drake. Like Drake. Yeah. so hard-core. That was interesting to think

because he did black face but he's black so it's like a weird thing. People get mad at Rob Schneider because he's Filipino but he did Asian face and Chuck and Larry. It's like how much can you

over exaggerate your own thing to wear it's offensive? I watched that movie during the quarantine as like an Orthodox Jew and like I did like the whole I'd like the black outfit and the white shirt and then like the jacket

that's cut in such a weird way it's so tight. And no coronavirus mask. No coronavirus mask and then like bucktoothed and like my eyes are out like this. Well that would be Asian. What are you taking?

Well, Orthodox Asian. That's not a thing, though. That's like saying, like, what if I did black face and then dressed up as a priest? People would be like, well, I guess you could be a black priest, obviously. But I'm saying, like, if I did blackface and then I dressed up as like in a geisha. Yeah. Like, I dress up as an orthodox, but I'm also transgendered. That's the Japanese thing, right?

That's Japanese. Yeah. Yeah. You know a movie I watched during the quarantine? That's like insane. Like, even if you're the most anti-PC person, you watch this movie like, holy shit. The first Ace Ventura. What was wrong with that?

It's the most transphobic shit ever. Yeah. Like, it's beyond, like, they're puking at the end. It's like a bunch of men who see the balls. They're, like, throwing up, like, what a monster. The best part of that is a fucker. They pretty much all had sex with her. No, no, Jim Carrey kissed her, and there's, like, a montage of him, like,

Listerine down his mouth, taking a shower, like he got raped. Like, he didn't even fuck. I don't think he fucked. My favorite part of that is how, like, I mean, she's hot. She's hot, yeah. She's really hot. And then it's like, he's like, yeah, she's actually a dude, but it never crosses his mind that she could be post-op. And so he's just ripping all her clothes off like in front of all these guys.

And then she doesn't have a dick. Yeah. Rips her pants off and just her underwear. Turns out of her. Doesn't have a dick. And everyone's like, what are you doing, Ace? Yeah. And then he's like, hang on.

And he turns her around. And her whole trans disguise is that it's just tucked under her legs. Yeah. Well, you know how like drag queens do it? I didn't realize they just, they don't just tuck it. They like stick their balls in and then they like. In what? You know, you put your balls in yourself?

You could do that. You shouldn't, you should be the one that knows the most about testicles. One taken out and a new one putting in. You have to go to a doctor. I do. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, no, you can, right now, look, I'll take my testicles. And then pull it back out.

No, you push. Yeah, I don't like it. I did it when I was a good. It doesn't feel good. Yeah. It always feels like to me like they're going to get stuck. I don't want to have to go to the doctor because, like, Why balls are stuck in my pelvis?

And he's like, he did it again. And I'm like, yeah, I do. I do like the thing. My favorite thing to do, though, is to take the head of my penis and put it back inside my penis and then watch it come back out. I used to do that when I was a little kid. I was like, I could make my whole dick disappear. I can just like pull the skin around it and then push it up. And then it's like this long.

It's the funnest thing. Yeah. And it's like, you don't have a dick. I used to do that. I used to pull the skin over it. And then let your uncle fuck you between your legs. And then I used to stretch my balls over like my. Oh yeah.

side over my dick. And then it's just flat. Yeah. I just have a flat thing like I'm a Ken doll. Yeah. I haven't done that forever. Yeah. Then there's goading.

What's my favorite? Goating's between the legs and he bent over. And you moon people. Some guy fell on my apartment stoop, passed out this homeless guy, but he fell asleep in goading position. So his testicles were smush. So you just pulled his pants down and goaded him for yourself, right? No, no.

He literally, like, I walked to a doorstep and I saw this dude's asshole because he's laying down or like curled up in like a fetal position. And next to his asshole is just his testicles, like, side. by side, smushed between his legs. And I was like nudging him. I was like, hey man, you might want to like wake up. And then he just wouldn't wake up. So he like went upstairs and made like a hot pot of water and just started like trickling it onto his balls. No, no, no, no. I shaved his testicles.

He's like, thank you. Holy shit. What a good day. Yeah, I don't have crabs anymore. My favorite thing. I like my favorite thing. I saw this one homeless guy. And I saw him leaned up against a wall kind of bent over. And I saw this like liquid coming down. I thought he was basically like diaring so much that it was like piss out of his ass. But what the guy had done is in order to like avoid indecent exposure, he tried tucking his dick between his legs to pee out the backside and faced us forward. So it was like basically looked like he was manginaing. I was like this is more disturbing.

I like that the homeless guy is like I don't want to get caught for indecent exposure. Yeah. So he was just tucking his dick and then peeing out the back, which looks so much more offensive. Like he's peeing against a wall but facing away from the wall and his dick was peeing against, you know what I mean? Like he was putting his dick between his legs and peeing backwards. I feel like I would get it all over my pants. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. But I mean, he's homeless. So it's... Yeah, it doesn't really matter. I've tried doing that. Like, standing with the toilet behind me and, like, putting my dick between my legs and still trying to pee in the toilet.

Why don't you like to do things like normal people? What do you mean? Do you know how... That's what you do. You don't get cancer hard. And okay? I do that, like, once or twice. What about how you do it?

Seven times. Yeah, but the way you do is fucking stupid. I jerk off like a regular person. How does Arden? Does he do it backwards? No, I do it normal. Why did you have your hand up here? There's nothing normal about this.

Tell them. No, you go. No, no, it's you're amazed by it. Arden jerks off on his knees. No, no, no, I don't get on. Into his toilet. I don't get on both knees. You can do one knee.

It's a protest police brutality while you're jerking off into the toilet. Yeah. Arden only jerked self into his toilet bowl. I know the idea that. That is kind of, it's very weird. Thank you. It's not weird.

It's, you guys are coming on yourselves, going to bed. I'm not coming on myself. And getting jerk off before your body hair. No, I jerk off before I go to bed. And I take the boxers I wore that day.

And I jerk off onto those boxers. And then I just ball them off. I throw them in with the dirty laundry and I wash him later. Sometimes I'll do that too. If your boxers are around, I'll do that. That's what you always ask me to sleep over. Boxers aren't around, then what else am I supposed to do?

Yeah. But you do it like a knee? You get on a knee and do it? I don't do the whole session on a knee. Yeah, this is it. He gets weirder. When I get to it, then I'll just... What's a national a hand place?

Yeah. Yeah, everything changed once Tebow. He told me that he will jerk off standing up in his room, and when he's about to come, he runs to the bathroom. I said run to be funny. He's just running. Go go get out of the way. He's like, roommates.

Like, move, move, move. Because I try to be funny. So I thought running would be the funny thing to say. I just go. I just walk. I've, one time I was trying to suck my own dick. And then this is like middle school. So it was okay.

And then. Oh, Eli, that's okay. And I tried to suck. Oh, yeah, whatever. I've done that too. Yeah. Yeah, you're a fucking disgusting pervert. Okay.

Harding. Anyway, so I had my balls in my own mouth. Yeah. I was trying to do it. And then like, but then I was, I went and I was like, I'm just going to try to jerk off because I was like just curious. I was like, you know, 15 or whatever or 14 or it doesn't matter. But then my dad walked in when I was jerking off, but I was just in the middle of the

floor in my room. Like it wasn't in a chair or anything. But I was like, thank God if he would have came in two minutes before, he would have walked in on me trying to suck my own dick. But should have been unexplainable. I mean, it's self-explanet. Like he's like, that's what, yeah, but you know. That'd be an awesome way to see her son.

I one time I fell asleep. Yeah. Well, it would just be like, I don't know, because you're like, ah, you're becoming a man. because he's definitely also tried that at some point. Yeah, everybody. Like he was 13 at some point, right? Yeah. I one time I was smoking weed and it was probably like 14 and I got real stoned.

And then I went to jerk off and I just fell asleep like before I came. Like it's never happened to you. Like I'll jerk off right before I go to bed. And if I'm really tired, I'll wake up at some point and I'll be like, I don't know if I finished or not. Like I have no idea. And I have like kind of feel. makeup, it's gay porn. You're like, oh, I didn't start watching this.

Yeah, what? That's so crazy. Yeah. But so I fell asleep and I just woke up like some amount of time later and just my, my dick and balls out of my pants. I was completely closed. It was just my dick and balls out. And I woke up and I was like, oh, man.

And I was like real like just zonked because it was like stoned tired. You know, like just wake up after you, after you smoked reading. That's an aggressive thing to wake up to you like porn, though? There was no porn. Oh, okay. Yeah, I was young. So it was just like, I was probably like 14 and just had my dick and balls out. And I wake up and I go downstairs to like get some water or something.

And my dad's home. And I guess he came home from work while I was asleep. And we're just talking for a bit and making conversation. And eventually he was like, hey, how come your, your dick and balls are out while you're just sleeping upstairs? But also my dad's from Israel. So like he doesn't have the same terminology for everything. So he's like, how come your bowl bowl was out? And I was like, oh, what?

And he's like, your bowl bowl was out when you were just sleeping on your bed. Why? And I'm like, first off, fucked up because like, he knows why. He's like, what are you jerking off, you know? Yeah, why you're making this weird?

Yeah. Obviously, I do that. And he's like, how come I was out? And so I had to like, lie and be like, oh,

I was like trying to take my clothes off to fall asleep. But my big talk got in the way. Yeah. I hate those things where you look worse if you lie about it. Like one time I went to give us to my brother at UGA because he went there and I was like 14 or 15. And I went out drinking. with him and his college friends because I had a fake ID when I was like pretty young. And then

I was sharing a bed with my dad that night and I peed the bed I was sharing with him. And I remember he's like, were you drinking last night? And I was like, no. So he's like, oh, so you just peed the bed sober at age 15. And I was like, yep. That's always whether get grounded or I'm a serial killer. Yeah. That's awesome. I love that. I have a buddy of mine. It's not really a buddy of mine. He's not a good guy. I don't like him that much. But he told me a story of when he was at college, she like got wasted drunk and, uh, went home with some girl. She's, he went home to her dorm. So he's in her dormitory, her bed.

And he wakes up and he just like drunk diarrhea shit all over the bed. And the bed's just like filled with shit. Like it's such as like cups and cups of shit just everywhere. And he wakes up and he's like, he's like freshman in college. He's 18 years old. I don't know what I'm going to do. And so he just is like, okay, I got an idea. Just ate all of it.

No. he woke up and then he just start screaming and he's like oh what's wrong with you that's so gross and he just blamed it on her oh god and then she's because it's everywhere so it's all over her underwear too and then she's like oh my god

did I shit the bed and he's like you're disgusting and then he left and told everyone that she oh my god what is that's really fuck that person she probably had like a totally clean asshole and she's like how did I shit and then just it wiped itself but somehow it's on the walls it's such a fucked up story Yeah.

Yeah, that's like the meanest story I've ever heard. Yeah, it's really terrible. Yeah. I wonder what she's up to. Well, he told me that she left the school after that. Yeah, I would leave the fucking country. Yeah, I don't make you good stay in the school. That's terrible.

Well, actually, I know some guy who looked up with a girl and she shat all over his bathroom. And then she, like, she, like, it went on, like, a date function. And then she, like, she passed out. She was, like, throwing up and, like, obviously he didn't fuck her because he's not a rapist. But he, he, he shat, like, she shat all over the place. and then he like did this weird thing where like he like I don't know if he cleaned up afterwards but like she fell asleep like by the toilet and the next morning she's like is it muddy or something and he had to complain to her

he's like no you shat all over this bathroom she just like never talked to again I think if I went home with a girl if I liked a girl even like a little bit you let her shit on your chest like an adult absolutely like a man pee in my mouth and shit on my chest Cleveland steamer is the chest I don't know okay I mean I don't know either bro I mean I'm just picking up things, right? Right, totally? No, I thought Cleveland steamer was when you're under the sheets and fart or shit. That's a Dutch oven.

Yeah, that's Dutch oven. Yeah, that's everybody. That's what gives him the PTSD. Yeah. Isn't that what the joke is? It's like a Holocaust joke. Dutch oven? Isn't it like the whole?

I don't think so. Did you gas somebody in the thing? No. I think where I think it comes from is a Dutch oven is something you use to like make bread. And so it's like it's a big ceramic pot that's oven safe. Okay. And so you'll like put it in there, heat it up to like 500 degrees. Yeah, somebody told me it was like a Holocaust thing.

I was so confused. I don't think so. You put the dough in there and you put the lid on. And so the first like 20 minutes it cooks, it's cooking with all the steam and the gas is in there. And then you uncover it. Yeah, that makes way more sense. It's meant to keep the gas in. Yeah.

No, yeah. I think a Cleveland steamer is when you shit on their chest and you move back and forth, you have to make train noises or else it doesn't count, I guess. Who does that, though? I don't know. I mean, I get people to get chat on and stuff. I mean, it makes sense. but I'm like the weird extra noise things.

Then there's always the fun ones where it's like, there's one, it's like an Alaskan, uh, or Jamaican bobsled is when you like, you do doggy with a girl and then you ride her down this, which you couldn't physically do, but like you put her knees, hold her arms like a sled and then just ride her down.

It's like nobody does these things. And that's how she dies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then you're explaining and you're like, well, I saw this on her reproduction area and I thought it would be fucking funny.

But that's what I'm saying. True. I've fucking been there. Yeah. So many of them just don't make any sense. You get angry pirates when you come in their eye and you kick their knees, they like jump. All these are just abusing women. That's all just hurting people.

Or tricking them. My favorite I've ever heard of is the Houdini. Oh, yeah. It's like the rapist thing. Yeah. You just have somebody. Literally the rapist thing ever. There's another name for that, right?

What is the Patrice bit? Yeah, it's called Friday afternoon, huh? No. Isn't that a Patrice spit? I don't know. Where your friend comes in and then you go out the window, hey, bitch. Yeah, that's called the Houdini. But maybe it came from his joke about that.

Yeah. Yeah, that is rape. But the one thing I don't know is rape. it's super rapy, but if you have a twin and you switch off in a day, because technically the person does consent to having sex,

but they just think you're a different, but tech, you know, that's a weird, it's still like creepy as fucking up. Would you have a problem if that happened to you? No,

but I'm a, like, my standards are different. Like, if I found out that happened to somebody, it's still a very creepy and like disgusting thing to do.

Yeah. But I'm like, I don't know if that's technically. It's rape for sure. Yeah. Yeah. But what if the guy says, will you have sex with me?

Will you have sex with, even though you think I have, Would you have sex with somebody who looks like me? And she's like, yeah, why are you wording it like that? And you're like, just so I have your consent that you would want to have sex with this physical appearance? Yeah. And she's like, yes, why do you keep saying it like that? And he's like, okay, I'm going to go to the bathroom for 20 minutes.

Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what a great place to end. Yeah. Okay, so where can they find you guys? What's your address? 727 32nd Street, Union City, New Jersey.

Yeah, you can find me there. Yeah. You can find us there? Instagram handles or whatever. Eli underscore Haba. Arden X. Just spell it. Yeah, my phone number is 973-997, 68-48.

Yeah, go on Eli's Instagram and look at his followers and then search my name. Yeah. You'll find an in-memorium video, tribute video, to when Arden died. Hell yeah. All right. That's been it, guys. Thank you very much. Thank you.