Morning Good - Apple Store Monster - Episode 253

Episode Date: January 19, 2025

Peter Wong and Andrew Manning join the show for today's episode. They talk about stolen fat valor, sex party dress codes, and getting into arguments with strangers at the gym.Thanks to Peter and Andrew for joining the show for the first time. Fore even more check out their links down below.Peter is on Instagram @peterwongcomedy and has a new special out on YouTube called Don't Move, which we love. Definitely check that out and give him a like and subscribe. Andrew is on Instagram as well @andrewmanthing, so follow him for dates and more.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. Sweet. We're here with Peter Wong and Andrew Manning. And you were talking about how muscular I look, and it makes me feel good. Yeah. I said that really weird. Nice and organic.

You were saying how handsome I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm kind of, I'll be honest. Because you lost weight. Yeah, because you used to be fat. I was a fat, dude. It's fine. Yeah, I used to be more.

You were more madder. Yeah. Well, the funny part is I try to claim it so much now. I was like kind of fat. And I'm like, dude, I was a big fatty so I can make fun of them. Like, I have all this like stolen fat valor because I was kind of fat for a couple years that I'm like, no, I had somebody who grew up like, like, well, obese. I could speak.

You were obese. No, I wasn't. Oh, okay. But I'm saying, I take way too much credit for it. So now whatever weight comes up, I'm like, they got no excuse. Even though I was like 10 pounds overweight. I was that way. I think that's what something all three of us have in common. You were heavy at one point? I was

like 2.10. Okay. How's how old are you? Five, ten. Okay. I was heavier than you, but I'm two inches taller, so it's a little bit different. Yeah. But I think the ratio is probably pretty similar. I was for sure obese.

What defines obese? It's your height to weight. It's a very crude system. So you can be obese and you might be obese right now just because you're like muscular. Yeah. And you're not extremely tall. Right, right. So like you might just be categorized as obese if you did the online thing.

Yeah. It's very funny when clinical terms are also incredibly insulting. It sounds so, obese sounds so bad. It's like the most insulting thing you can. can say. Yeah. Well, it's like,

it's like, whatever becomes the thing. It's like, now it sounds so much worse because you're like, instead of saying like, that guy's kind of fat, you're like,

you're medically fat. Like your science has decided that you're fucking fat. Instead of like, I kind of feel like you're fat. It's like scientifically you're a fatty. Right. Yeah,

we did an equation and you're obese. Yeah, yeah. There is really no sensitive medical way to tell someone that they are that. Yeah, yeah.

And I have no, like, it's so weird too because I'm like attracted to BBW. is. So, like, I'm kind of like, there's a weird... Is this true? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not just saying this. Thank you for your

service. Yeah, of course, I'll take them off anybody's hands. Does that mean big, beautiful or big black? Big beautiful. I'm also into black chicks. Okay. But I like everything. I like old ladies. I like, uh, I don't want to say young ladies. I mean, probably 21's young. That must be hard for you because as a person who's into obese ladies, they typically

die young. Of course. So if you're into old women and fat women, you're never going to find your true queen. Yeah, that is true. Well, you'll find them, but they won't last long. Right, they come with a machine. But guess what's around the other corner? What?

Another chick on a rascal scooter. There's more and more. Nice. Okay, so wait. Do you just say morgue? Huh? When he said, what's around the corner? More, more.

Oh, I thought you're saying morgue. Like, that's the only place he'll find those women. So, wait. So you like big girls? Yeah. And black girls? Like, separate, like just any black girl? Separate, but he,

cool. Big and. No, no. I'm like, I think I just kind of like a little, I've like, I've always said this like, people like,

when they... There's anything that's like weird. Dude, honestly, yeah, yeah, a little bit. I'm like, ooh, like, dude, there's a one. Have you seen a deaf chick

that's really hot? I have, I have. Oh my God. Have I seen any or... There's like a smoking hot deaf chick on Instagram. Is she a comic? No, no, no.

Okay. What about Marilyn Matlin? Madeline? Mary Madlin? Are you trying to say her name how she says it? She's famous. She's Mary Matlin? Mary Magdalene?

No, Mary Magdalene? You say Mary Magdalene? I don't know. Who is this lady? Deaf. Oh, she's just a deaf. Yeah, I'm not like, I don't think I'm into it. I don't know, it's like.

Deaf people sound off in the comments. Yeah. Do you think they, what, do you think they, like, because you can put captions on. Transcribe it or something? transcribe any podcasts where deaf people were just that has to be a thing there's no other reason for the captions no I think the captions help no you put the

yeah they read the they watch the podcast with the captions on okay right yeah yeah yeah I'm just wondering if they just read the text and only and not the yeah yeah or do you think they they like like you're deaf guy and you want to watch Joe Rogan are you you're probably watching you're not looking through the notes you're watching the whole video with the captions not like a movie do like a really fucking boring movie Yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's interesting to think about it. I just thought they were, they just like, I thought a couple things they were just like, we're just not going to do that. Like, I just thought, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think they, like, read song lyrics, too? Do you think they're like, oh, that's interesting

because to them it's almost just, uh, poetry and song lyrics can kind of just be the same thing. Yeah, so they probably, like, look at song lyrics, like, they do dance, like, I know that's, uh, it's the way we're talking about, they. Yeah. But, like, they can feel the vibration of the ground when the music's on and stuff. And they'll use that to, like, dance and stuff.

Shit. Oh, that's awesome, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I have not considered, like, what you were saying, that deaf people, excuse me. Deaf people can get into podcasts at all. I have never thought about that as a potential listener base. I wonder if there's any exclusively targeted at Deaf people podcasts. Yeah, it's probably just, like, slower, because you read, it's got to be kind of annoying, I feel like reading thing.

I'm a really slow reader. I mean, they could read lips, too. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just fat, stupid. I guess sign language podcast, like that would be, you know, video podcast, right? Yeah. But then it's just, we fully defeated the concept of a podcast. I would like to see, like that, sign language podcast,

and it's very political, like, you know. The problem with the liberals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not CNN translated into a. ASL, like, it is just two people who do sign language on camera and have discourse. Dude, that's purely it. That would be sick if Alex Jones had, like, a sign language interpreter next to him. You've seen the Waka Flaka one, right?

Yes. And he thinks... She's, like, dancing. Yeah, yeah. He thought she was doing, like, gang signs or something. Like, he didn't know that she was... He talks about it later on podcast. He thought she was just dancing that way.

He had no idea that that was the... Yeah. Oh, he didn't know he had his own, like, someone to translate. Well, that's cool. Part of it is like the sign language of interpreters that do those concerts, they're not just not, they're not just like a school teacher just doing it. They're like also like in it and they're like animated. And I think people feed into like that energy. It's actually what makes them kind of real interesting to watch.

I've watched deaf people stop each other, like interrupt each other. And it's so much more rude because they literally, they have. have to like go hold your hands. They literally do that. It's so intense. Just curl their fingers around the other person's fingers. Yeah, just slowly. Shut up.

Yeah, because how do you, yeah, or you, I guess, to be fair, you could just close your eyes. You just couldn't see what they're saying. You could just be like, shut the fuck up. I'm not listening. That's the version of la la la la la la. Yeah. Man, that is so silly.

The comedy ones are incredible. Have you seen that what they used to do to Caroline's. There's videos like Bill Burr and, Louis CK. Yeah. And Louis just blow job, blow job, blow job,

yeah. He's just like this. Yeah. There's a hair on the mic. And it's bothering me. He puts it in his mouth. But the point I was saying about, no,

I like all types of, like I'm like, I don't know, I like all types of women. I think the only one. Oh, so you, you like skinny women too. Yeah.

But also, but you don't like big, BBWs more. I don't know. Like, this is tough. Yeah,

I think if you were to like put it down. If the woman is like, I'd kind of rather go a little thick than a little than a little too skinny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's, what, what, what draws you to them?

Gravity. I think it just like, I'm like, I think because I'm like maybe a little bit like I'm a, I'm a, I sub and dom. I fucking, every time I say that, I'm like, yeah, I sound so, I'm like, I'm a, uh, just being open about your stuff. Yeah, I'm going to, um,

a kink required dress code thing this Saturday and I have no idea what I'm doing and so you might be the perfect person to talk to about that. Is this a sex party or just a a swaree? Have you heard of Bound?

No. So it's, I guess, I don't know what the main thing is if it's a DJ music thing with the sex room on the side or if it's a sex room with the DJ thing on the side. Probably the,

probably the sex room's the main thing. Right. But the dress code is you have to wear kink. Dress coat is so funny. Be like, yeah, for the mouth fucking party. Sir, sir, you're, no. This is a black ball gag event. By the way, there's so many sounds in your apartment.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's fucking fire. There's a beeping that nobody has told me where it's coming from. Oh, so there's a beeping. I heard it, I heard the beeping and I was like expecting you to be like, oh, got to fucking turn that out. Like, I thought the podcast had just ended. I can't hear it. Where do you hear from?

It was over with in three seconds. Oh, okay. And it was like a few minutes ago. Yeah, yeah. Listeners, if you hear a beep, let me know when it was. It's a fun little Easter egg for the podcast. That's so unpleasant for the listener. It's so unpleasant.

I listened to a few minutes of your pod like last night just to reacquaint myself with like how this goes. And I didn't hear a single background noise. Oh, okay. And then today it sounds like somebody's... I thought he said, I didn't hear a single joke. I don't know. I was prepared. really funny. It's so funny because just like the way

podcast you go, I'm like, I'm like, revving myself up. I'm like, all right, what am I going to fire back with? It's like, I can hear a single background noise, and that includes laughter. Right, yeah. I wish there was something to distract from the pot itself. Yeah, yeah.

Dude, my favorite is I listen to Pitbulls podcast one time. And each other is going to say pit bulls. Yeah, that would be more soothing than like, that's how you know you live in a loud apartment is when you put on, like, headphones and you're like, And it's just like barking dogs. Yeah, something just completely said.

Oh, not pit bull. No, pit bull, yes. Okay. Hopefully future governor of Florida. I was just saying. Oh, just dogs. Okay. Yeah, about his loud ass apartment.

And like that's his soothing white noise. Oh, his like junkyard dogs. Weird things do soothe me. I fell asleep to the largest atomic bombs dropped. There was a whole document. Oh, yeah. And it was weirdly just like kind of like,

you just watch the mushroom. That might be the most American thing. It's just like, oh, here, shame. Yep, that was us. It's mostly the tests. It's so dystopian to say something like that. Oh, totally, yeah, yeah. How were your dreams that night?

I bet Rosie. It was just kind of like, they were sweet. They weren't, it was not like, it wasn't including the actual. It was mostly the tests, because most the tests are bigger than the actual, like. Oh. Is that true? Yeah. The tests.

Why the tests bigger? Because we've had more tests because technologies just come so much further. The only nuclear bombs used for realsies were like 80 years ago. Oh. So every time we. tests since then. They're just better and better. Where are they tested? I mean, I was falling asleep to it, so where are they, like, testing them? They have tested them, I think, in kind of deserted areas of like Nevada.

Okay. They also, I mean, in Russia, they have plenty of areas that are just already wasteland adjacent. Yeah, Russia's massive. They build the biggest bombs, as far as we know. They've had the biggest test. They're bigger than us. They are much bigger than us. Oh. Hey, can, before this, can I ask you about the... Pit bull?

No. We have so many... What do you call it? Tangents? Yeah, tangents that are... Someone told me that they're like, I like conversations with you because you say nine things, and I get nine options of things I want to talk about. You're like, that's kind of fucking boring.

I'm gonna do this. Like right now, you've just added your ADD to the portfolio top. He was trying to ask me something. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, let me say another thing. And for me, it's so infuriating. It's so the opposite. So for Bound. Okay.

So have you done one of those? like a sex party? No, no. Yeah, no. Like, I've heard it. Like, I'm trying to like act like I'm cool.

Like, no, I've heard of them. I've always been busy when I, I've been invited. No, but is it like, I mean,

this is really fucking weird. Who gives a fuck? Suck my balls, who are listening? I got, I have things you could, I've never worn it, but I have a thing you could have.

Okay. Yeah. Like a shirt? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. It's like a shirt. It is something. thing you wear.

All right. So what's an example of one thing you've got? Like a collar. A collar. And it's a slave collar? A slave collar, yes. Okay.

It says Toby. I'll take a look at it. You said, it says Toby? That's hilarious. I like that. I like for something for that to stop people in there and going, what the fuck?

Yeah. No, this fucking, this chick, I don't know, she likes to dominate me. She got a collar that says, I like to say it's not part of my thing too. I'm like,

she likes to dominate me. I don't know what fuck. I was like, oh, she's not going to real. Yeah, like, yeah, yeah. No, she got to call us this good boy, and that it didn't have a thing to hook a leash on. So I was just like, they sent us a second once. There's just two.

I've never used it. But, I mean, I look fucking insane. No, I love the customer service department of this place. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm so sorry about that. Yeah, we'll get you to a new one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd think they would actually be really mean if they wanted to be what you wanted.

If you want a replacement, tell us you're a fucking piece of garbage. Yeah, you would like that. You would like to be walked around like a dog. little slime. Five out of five stars. They wouldn't give me my refund back. Wouldn't give me a refund.

In fact, told me to send this back. They were like, you pay for shipping. Oh, that's a beautiful experience. Because Dick's last resort, you know what Dick's last resort is, right? Is that a restaurant where they're mean to you? Yeah, yeah. But it's like fun and playful. They should have, there's got to be a strip club like that where they're specifically

like a dominant strip club where they're just kind of mean to you. Yeah. Or am I just coming up with great ideas. I think you just came up with a great idea and even if they've already done it, you can do it again. You know, that'd be like being like, man, I wish a restaurant served great food. It's like, people open those all the time.

You can do it. Thanks, man. Yeah, yeah. What about like a Dix last resort where they, because they can't do like race stuff. I don't think. They used to. Oh, really? Apparently they used to.

Oh, wow. How did they do it? We're going to seat you over here. Yeah. I mean, probably accents and stuff like that. I'm guessing. I don't know why I've heard they, I mean, I, it's got to be a, that must take so much out of courage and bravery and respect for me. I'm just kidding.

But that must take so much like easy ammunition for, from the waiters and, and you can feel like this gym, gymnas, verbal gymnastics of getting away from what's the most obvious thing that, like, if I sit down there and they say anything other than the obvious. Right. I almost feel bad. You know what I mean? What do you mean? Playing with a handicap. Yeah, yeah. They have to come up.

Look at this jerk. Yeah. I'm like trying right now. And I'm like, you're, uh, you're locked down. There's nothing. It's like, yeah, wore your greatest fucking sweatshirt to come out to dinner, huh? Your pants are short. Like, what do you say?

You're Chinese, right? Yes. Outside of that, there's nothing that really stands out about you. I mean, that's the worst thing. Well, same with me When I used to be a big fat piece of shit Like I'm just like normal looking like guy Same with all three of us just

No, I would say you actually are on the like muscular side of normal Now, now Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That's insane breakup pain and stuff like that But, oh, when did you have a breakup again? So long ago, I should be over it It's a year and a half Hey, as long as it's still doing stuff for you

That's positive, I guess Dude, I was in the gym Because she got a new boyfriend And I'm not even gonna pretend I'm like I was not in the gym just like, yeah, I was like all day the other day. Yeah, yeah. But I think it was necessary for like the stand-up.

I don't know, like I kind of fucked around for like a year and a half. Not really, but like. Is she, was she a comic? No, no, no, no. How'd you know she got a boyfriend? Because my friend pulled me in a terrible way. What's the terrible way? Well, I was having a great night and I was in such a good mood.

There's no good way to tell somebody that. Yeah. I just had a weird feeling too a couple weeks ago. I was like, why don't I feel like my ex-girlfriend has a boyfriend? Oh, that's very, like, that's a very, like, that's a good night. a bizarre thing to have happened in the back of your mind. Yeah. Just spidey senses.

I don't know, dude. I was just driving down the road in Florida. I was like, why are I feeling? Shannon and what happened was, I had like a great night of show, so it was like the perfect time to tell me. And I was like, why did you tell me when I was having a good night?

And I was like, well, actually, that was ideally the best time to tell me. But he was kind of drunk at a bar. He goes, oh, dude, I mean, I hate to tell you, I'm just, just been weighing on me. Her new boyfriend, really nice guy, I really like him. Oh, fuck. He's like, I wanted to hate him.

And I was like, wait, what? What? I was like, I didn't know this guy existed. And I sat down to this table. It was so funny. I just sat down to the closest chair. I mean, because I was fucking dizzy. It was like a lot of information all at once.

Yeah. Because we were together for seven years. And I sit at a table where a big black guy is having dinner with his wife. And I guess I just sat at their table and, like, just soaked the info. I wasn't, like, three drinks. I sat down. And the guy's like, dude, you're sitting in my table. And then I was like, I'm not trying to be a dick.

And he misheard me. he thought he said, I have a bigger dick. And he's like, you think you got a bigger dick? I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I was like, I just found out my ex-girlfriend. I was a new boyfriend. I'm dealing with a lot of information right now. He goes, what we're going to do is we take a couple deep breaths.

And I'm going to give you a big hug. He came to be like a console you and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we did like, he goes, that's not deep enough. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Oh, what a cool dude. And then he just, like, left the restaurant with his wife.

And then you remember that you were a waiter at Dick's last resort. Yeah. Just to hear you big. So brutal, okay. Yeah, yeah, but it was like one of those things that I was just like, holy fuck. It was just like a lot. And then my buddy's just like... The one who told you?

Yeah, I was like, just give me a fucking second to like think about this a little bit. And then like 40 minutes later, I'm at the bar and he's like, are you still on that? And I was like, what the fuck, dude? Who's this buddy of yours? Who's this guy? No, we'll talk about it. sensitive guy. Yeah.

You're still on that, bro? Yeah, I was like, dude. Yeah, but... Jesus. It's also hard, too, because it's like, I've been out for like a year and a half, and I haven't wanted to get back together because I, like, right now,

I just want to be single into my life and, like... But I'm not going to lie, like, that door... What's it? Held you? 28. Okay, cool. Same age. Yeah, and I'm like, and I'm like, don't...

Like, I'm not going to lie and pretend, like, in my mind, that door hasn't been, like, half open half. Because in my mind, I'm like, oh, right now I'm doing my thing. but you know, maybe. Oh, like, oh, I might be back with her one day, kind of a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that, like, totally closed the door, which is good because it was a bad way to think about thing.

Like, you should not just be like, because we'd hooked up before, like, I mean, a while ago, but like, and it was like, it was just, yeah, it was this sort of like halfway thing that I was, and I was like, part of me was like, I don't want to, like, this isn't the only reason I'm not back with her, but it's like, I don't, she, like, the whole stand-up thing was really tough for the relationship, and I was kind of like, oh, you don't put somebody back in the position that, you know what I mean like I don't know I just kind of thought yeah if you bring her back what changed

from that time she said a lot of things and I said a lot of things we're like oh this would be different but I'm like if she's I mean I genuinely talked to my therapist the other day and she's like oh if this is like she's like she probably is happier in a relationship and I'm like it is like the sad truth that like I'm happier not in a relationship right now she's happier in one I can't provide a relationship

dude brutal yeah yeah yeah wow you guys got any riffs on that I'm just kidding no but no it's some Sorry for your pain, buddy. Yeah, it's okay. It's been a hard, but it's like, it was funny because I tell my brother about it,

and he was just like, dude, you've just been out there getting pussy because I have zero sympathy for you right now, which is fair. Grass is always greener, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah, it sneaks up on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did a little breakup-y thing two months ago, and I had the thought experiment of, even though I initiated it, I was at a bar near, like, we live near each other, and I was at a bar near us, had a thought experiment of, just like her coming into the bar with some guy

and I would fucking, it would kill me. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I think you just, you never want them to move on. Which is so funny. You're like, you're like, no, when it's time for me, then, you know, you're just fucking insane. It's so psychotic to be like, yeah, you know,

I know he could have back a couple, six months. But, you know, now it's, you know, yeah, it's really greedy. But it's also like, yeah, it's very, funny too because then I'm like just thinking about the things about me. I'm like, I love to see that guy try to shoot a bottle rocket out of his ass. Like all these things that are like, but

apparently he's a nice guy which is good and I'm like, yeah, he's got the same. I'm not going to get into, there's other details, but yeah, everything should be fine. Would you rather the new boyfriend be a nice guy or like a kind of an asshole nice guy? No, I'm genuinely like, I genuinely really care about it and I want her to have like a good

life. Yeah, I understand that, but now answer like you're not on a podcast. I want him to be less funny than me Oh, of course. A nice guy, kind of a different kind of guy. And not as good at bed. Correct, correct. But he's there for her emotionally.

Kind of like a, like I want her to have a gay boyfriend basically. That's funny. How about that? How about he's a closeted homosexual? And, um... But in some way, she's also happy. Yes. Yeah.

This isn't like killing her inside where she's just like, he won't touch me. She's fun. They go out and dance and they, like, you know, read together. And, you know, he makes her hot cocoa. And she's just, like, oblivious to his obvious homosexuality. He's like a sweet, safe choice. Yeah.

That's what you want for your ex. Yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah. That is ultimately not fulfilling. Yeah. Right. Ten years down the line, going, I'm stuck kind of thing. That's the ideal.

Or maybe in a way that they just never realize. is unfulfilling. Do you know what I mean? No, no, no. It's got to be unfulfilling exactly when I, when I'm ready for a relationship. There's just, yeah. Yeah.

Have you seen the notebook? A while ago, yeah. There's like this large gap of time, and then the two destined to love each other people end up back together at like the right time. It's like, I was picturing you being that guy, just standing there in the fucking rain. And I'm like, yeah, I've been ready.

And now you're ready. ready too. Let's fucking do this. I built you a house. Get in here. But that's not how timelines work. No. No, no, no. But I think it's good for me to have that close. Like, it is good. It was just like growing pains. I was talking to my therapist. I'm 95% sure somebody told me to shut the fuck up on the phone my therapist the other day. I was walking by and I was

talking to my therapist on the phone. Oh, boy. About all this. And I heard somebody in a basement yell, shut the fuck up. And I'm like, either he was yelling at me or somebody else. I'm like, that is so funny. They just hear a guy and be like, you fucking pussy. Yeah. Well, it is invasive to loudly do therapy

In the public But, these walls are so thin These? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you can't do it in here Is what you're saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Oh, so you only do therapy telephone, telephone therapy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's just better the schedule. And I also, I don't know if my therapist lives in New York. I mean, you're supposed to technically be in the same state, but I don't know what she's up to you. Oh, you mean that by law? Yeah, by law. Some people told me their therapist, like, won't let that. they'll travel outside to a different city. They're like, we can't do therapy if you're in a different city, which is fucking...

Oh, that's so lame. Yeah, yeah. Really? I've had no problems. Either of I, but apparently it's a thing. Because I know, like, I try to have my therapist from Florida and FaceTime are up here initially. And there's just like nights across state lines. I don't know.

What? Interesting. I think... I did therapy at an airport once. No, no, no. I don't think it's a weird law that, like, nobody really cares about. Oh, yeah. But, like, you're not supposed to practice, like, medicine outside.

of, right? Is that a thing? Yeah. Yeah. Let me try to harken back to my days at medical school. Yes, I do believe that is against the rules. I think you can answer calls, but I don't think you're supposed

to do paid work, because it's like, if you're on an airplane, the fucking, it's not like the doctor could be like, look, there's nothing I can do about this person dying. True, true, yeah. He's like, once we land in my home state, I will put this person through CPR. but right now they're just going to have to tough it out.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is probably all nonsense, but... I was thinking this guy who probably was screaming at somebody to shut up in his own basement, I think in public is it okay place to talk on the phone. You know, regardless of kind of what you're talking about, as long as you're not, like, screaming. I'm pretty loud.

You're pretty loud. I just think I'm a loud, but I don't think it's intentional, by thinking I'm a loud person, yeah. Okay. Yeah, but I would worry about other people. people just hearing my stuff. Yeah, I'm up pretty open, but I don't know. I feel like I just, on the internet, I talk about how I have a good boy

caller, and I'm kind of like, yeah, I don't know. I'm like, I'm like, yeah. I don't know. So what if my neighbors hear me complaining to my therapist? But you know what's so weird? This is a good point. I'll do it out there, but I'm nervous about my roommates hearing it. Yes.

That is kind of makes no sense. I feel like I've just, with my roommate, I don't know why I feel like I'm just annoying him. So there's a weird thing with that. I'm not really worried about him hearing about my, my, like, therapy. I'm more worried about, like, oh, he has to sit through my therapy. Versus where I'm walking around, I'm thinking like, oh, this is only a brief

second that somebody's hearing about my issue versus like if somebody had to stand there and let's know my shit. So there's just a bunch of people with a piece of your therapy? Yes. They can come together. And they're like, we're taking them down. Yeah. Put the whole story together. What'd you hear? Yeah. Yeah.

It's just this large game of telephone across 60 people on the sidewalk. Are you guys good with telling feelings to people? Friends and stuff? I'm like too good at it where I like, I feel like I tell it. I think I told you about this the other night. Yeah, you did, yeah. I'm just talking about. Yeah.

Like wide open. Wide open. Wide open. Yeah. I don't know about wide open. I think it's sometimes difficult to like recognize when I am feeling something sometimes and then put it into words to people. So it's like sometimes.

You're like a delayed. Yeah. I'll realize I had been feeling a certain way and it's kind of like the frog boiling scenario where you're like, you know, I didn't realize I was irritable because it slowly kind of happened throughout the day for a multitude of reasons. Women hate that. Who? Women hate that shit, don't they? I, they don't seem to love it. They don't seem to love it at all. And then they're like, are you okay? You seem off. And you're like, I'm fine. I'm me. I'm normal. And they're like, holy shit. And then a couple of days, then you have to go and, yeah, to.

Then you tell them. It's like, I was having a bad day. Yeah. And I didn't know it. That kind of happened to me today at the gym. I think I was definitely like, general the therapy helped, but I think I'm like a little bit, you know,

mentally shook by all this. Yeah. And I was the gym and this guy, I mean, give real opinions on this. So I put the weights on the bench press, and then I went to throw my clothes in a locker. It was gone for two minutes. And there was a guy cleaning my weights off the thing,

putting his new weights on. I was like, oh, I was actually, I just went to the locker room, throw something in there, and he goes, that's not how things work, man. And I was just like, I was like, I get that I should have left a thing there, but he just goes, that's not how how things work. And I was like, no, no, dude, I literally, if I went to grab water, would you have came and done the same thing? He's like,

well, you didn't. I was like, yeah, but I didn't even lock my locker. Like, I just threw my clothes in a locker and the locker is like right next to the bench, like, it's like right there. Okay. And that it's like... First of all, is this dude bigger than you? No, way smaller. That's what I was getting from your responses. I was like...

There's no way he's speaking to a fucking six-foot-six-like Viking-looking dude. No, no, no. Skinny, Brooklyn-y kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, guy. So he did nothing wrong in taking off the weights and starting his set. I think you were agree with that. Yeah. I think where he came off wrong is saying, that's not how it works.

It's such a smarmy way to talk. Well, because, like, if I did that, like, oh, sorry to me. Yes. Oh, I thought you were doing... Okay. No, so yeah. What happens is you, if you do it, it's a misunderstanding. And you go, oh, no worries. And then you just let the original guy get back the bench.

Yes, yes. That's all. But to say it's not how it works is you're just kind of being a smart ass about it. And you're... It now challenges you. So not... Like, if you... Like, there's a way for him to say it.

And then you can surrender with it. and now your ego doesn't get into play. But for him to say, that's not how it works here, there's a new level of, there's a new game. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh, so if I just let him do it, I'm a fucking bitch. Totally, yeah.

So now you've got to have the unbelievably unnecessary fucking discourse about this whole thing. Yeah, it got, it's so minor, yeah. No, exactly. That's exactly how it went down. It was like, he's like, that's not how things work. And I was like, what if I would have gone to get water?

And it's like, this is what I totally believe. I should have left something there. Yeah. And, but there's no, I was not gone for more than two minutes. He made no mistake by saying nobody's here, let me put new weights on. He made no mistake if he, like, I should have, like, I don't know, but it's like, at that point, if I walked up to the thing and started doing, and there's nobody around. Yeah. First of I normally wait, like, I normally ask him, like, hey, was somebody on this?

There's like a look around kind of thing, too. Yeah, yeah. And then if he came back, I would have been like, oh, sorry, I didn't see you here or something like that or can I work in with you or like something like that. or I would be like, sorry I didn't see your stuff there, but to just be like, this is now mine. You are gone, this is mine. You know what it is? It's the same thing with the fucking girlfriend.

It's the same feeling. I was gone for two minutes. Now somebody else takes my thing. And they're like, this is mine now. And I'm like, hey, whoa, whoa, a year and a half. So how did this resolve? Well, what happened was another bench, a acidic Jewish guy walked up and goes,

that this one's open over here. Wow. I love that. No conflict over here. I love the third party that has no skin in it, but just is willing to take time out to resolve this conflict. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's seeing his fucking unnecessary.

Totally, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm very pleased by that. Yeah, and I remember I said I was like, dude, I'm not trying to be a dick, but, like, I was gone for two minutes, and I should have put my thing there. And then, um, whatever, it gets even funny. So, like, we both work out next to each other.

Can I interrupt you for a sec? Yeah, for sure. what who had heavier weights you were the guy me and I made sure of it like I literally was like dude I've never I didn't by way I didn't go to the gym for 10 years and something just happened to me in the last year where I'm not like insane I do like a 45 minute workout I'm not like doing like crazy shit but like I was like I was it made me I put more weight on today because I was like fuck that guy he was right next year I was like I'm absolutely the the worst parts of my brain like if I were a person who would indulge in like all of the dark, mean things I fantasize about doing

to get back at somebody who slighted me in public, what I would do is pull up my bench right next to his and just fucking stack the heaviest weights I could and do whatever exercise he was doing. Just more than him. I was here for legs today, but fuck it, this guy's doing triceps, so am I. I'm going to look at the side of his head the entire time he does this. Well, he's doing it. I watched somebody be, I'm sorry.

No, continue, dude. I was at the library today in the, there's this reading room that's huge, and it is just a silent, massive workspace, and nobody fucking makes any noise. It's beautiful. This lady comes in and scrapes the fuck out of this wooden chair on, like, tile floors. It makes this god-awful grinding, screeching sound. So loud. everybody around looks up. Someone goes, Jesus Christ.

One guy puts his hands over his ears, which I thought was a little too much, but it... Are you good at sound effects? No, that's why I didn't do it. Otherwise, but just imagine... Can you try anyways? You please.

That's... Scooby-Dee. That's actually better than I thought it would be. Yeah, the chairs sound... It was like tool time. And then this older lady across from this new, like, young middle-aged lady

goes like, could you try to keep it down? And this other younger lady is smirking and then grabs another chair and unnecessarily starts banging it up and down. Loud as fuck. Staring at this lady the whole time,

the elderly lady got up and just walked away and found a new seat. And I, oh man, the things that I would have loved to have happened to that fucking lady who made all that noise. Was she just ignorant? Or was she being a bitch?

She seemed... maybe mentally ill. There's a lot of people that come into the library just to hang out who don't have anywhere else to be. She seemed like easily mentally ill.

Could have been like a homeless person who like looks normal. You know those kinds where you're like, oh, I'll sit next to this person. They're normal and then they start like,

you know, chewing on a Snickers bar wrapper or something. You don't realize to you're like halfway into a conversation and you're like, fuck,

I'm talking to this person when they're out of it. Yeah. So I think she was... But she wasn't actually pulling out a chair to sit on it to do something. She, like a child, like, looked at this lady,

took this heavy wooden chair and started banging it up and down in a library. Just to make a point, like, I'm not, I don't give a fuck. Do you want to sass me again? I don't give a fuck. At that point, once you see that, you're like, oh, I'm out. I'm out of whatever this. I don't need to do this. That's the right thing to do.

But then there's all these fantasies about like, I'm going to pull my workout bench up to this fucking. Yeah. Well, my favorite thing that happened is it went full, I go on another machine, and he's just getting yelled at by this jacked Dominican guy. What is? The same guy. He did the same thing. He walked up to some guy's thing, and there was a bag there, and he, like, ignored the bag.

Oh, so this guy's a fucking asshole. Yeah, and it felt so good. I kept walking by the conversation, and I was like, what are they fucking? Is he, do you the same fucking thing? And he goes, yeah, my bag was here, man. You don't fuck it. He goes, and he started telling that guy, he goes, that's not how we do it in this gym. So I was like, yes, suck my fucking cock.

Did you go up and kind of Stand behind him like in between? Like when your mom scolds your Slee Blaine? In between this I forgot I was a total bitch So me and him were racking up We were putting We had to

After we did the bench press thing Where we hadn't talked after our fight We went to put You guys were giving each other The silent treatment Yeah oh we were kind of just like And then I was like Hey man

I wasn't trying to be a dick I should have put something down there To prove that it was my spot Yeah I was like this gym gets kind of crowded You know It gets a little possessive about stuff and we shook we shook hands

but then I saw him do the other guy and I was like you fucking cock sucker then you go back and renege your apology you know what you are a fucking dick yeah I would like to rescind my adult apology and turn into a child right now please strike that reasonable moment

of my life from the record and turns out I was wrong and it was so funny to see the guy they ended up like they figured it out where he's shaking hands of the guy and I was like wow but I could see it I was like I was like, I could see you're fucking, I could see the way this guy's talking to you, and he's not, it's not a real handshake.

It's a fucking kiss the tip of my penis. Like, I could just tell. I was like, you know when you see like a real handshake between two guys? I think me and him had a real handshake. But this was, I could see the fear in his eyes when he was shaking hands with this big Dominican guy. I was like, you fucking bitch. Oh, that's great. Yeah.

Yeah. I was earnestly not on your side for this. The whole. Because two minutes is so long. Like, really? Two minutes is so long to leave a machine at the gym. But I'm now imagining maybe you were exaggerating and meaning like two minutes to just mean like however long

it takes you to walk from here to the door and back. Two minutes is long. Two minutes is so long. Like if I walked away from here and you looked at the spot and counted to 120, it's like... Okay. You're like... Someone can sit here.

This seat's open. It would take for me. Literally the locker was right where the door is. Right. That distance threw it in, walked back. It's not the fact that like, for me it's more of the fact of like if somebody said oh i was using that i normally would be like oh sorry i didn't like because there's no way he was there for longer than a certain amount

he was not there enough time because when i came back the weights were completely cleaned off and his new weights were on so it's like that means he within 30 seconds yeah yeah yeah you you giving that info about the dominican guy it's clear that he's just he doesn't respect any of the stuff so that's clear then yes that's what you're turn the tide for me on this. And now I'm pro-Michael. So why didn't you say that? Why didn't earlier you tell the first?

I was like willing to let the conversation go. And if it came to me about what I think about this, I was going to offer what I thought. But if it didn't, I would just be like, let's just see how this story goes. Maybe I, you know, because I, I deal with people at the gym. My gym also gets crowded and shit. And like the territorial possessive kind of fucking. in people taking up space really irks me. And so that doesn't seem like what you did.

No, and I'm also like, you know, I have no issue with him taking the weights off, putting his on. But normally, like, I was in the wrong. I should have left something there. But normally when somebody was like using something, and they say, oh, I was just on that, I wasn't like, fuck you, I was just on it.

I was like, oh, I just went to drop something. I didn't just say bathroom. I said I went to just throw something in my locker real quick. normally you would go can I work in with you or you say like oh okay I didn't realize this was empty you don't just say that's not how they're yeah absolutely

yeah my gym everyone's feeling nice it's been nice every time if I'm we're checking hey was this review on this there's a lot of that I don't really go I'm like was anybody using this is anybody using this it's very good

one time in Astoria there's a place called Matrix Fitness which is pretty good fucking sick name I go to Blink in Astoria. Yeah. Mine is more expensive and better. Anyways. I save money and deal with scumbags.

Yeah, doesn't it? There is something about spending less, and then you do deal. You see why? Yeah, you see the value of the more. Oh, yeah. Well, it's like people with the Blink will bring, like, so many weights to, like, in one area. Because it's like, and it's a contagious culture, because you go like, oh, well, if everybody's doing it, you're like, somebody's going to take these weights

if I don't, like, I'm not going to get the workout. Yeah. But is it true, like the more expensive the gym, the more gay sex is happening in the No, I've heard before we get to that. That's a great topic. Okay. What happened at your gym? You were going to say there was there was one time where things weren't so nice. Yeah, that was

there was one time where there's like a kid on the the, you know, the assisted squat rack machine, like where it's like the things. And then he had the bench there whatever. And then I guess

there's an older guy who came and he goes he saw the kid like finishing up his last thing and he goes, he's about to go start moving the weights and the kid's like no no, I'm not done yet, I'm holding this machine for my friend.

And then the older guy goes, oh yeah, you do that for each other? That's interesting. That is such a good old person insults. And then he walks away. And then the kid goes, what the fuck, man? What do you? And then he's all like stewing.

And then the guy's already gone. And then I can see him walking to people around going, what's the fucking? What's his deal? Just people go, well. That's so good. People not invested enough to really give him much. The kid just fucking losing it.

Oh, that's so perfect. It's like using negative space and comedy. It's like you didn't see. It's a judo threat. Yeah, yeah. You didn't say too much, but you said a lot. Yeah, just such a awesome. Oh, you and your friend do that for each other.

That is interesting, the things you guys do for each other. The squat machine where you work out your glutes. Yeah, that's cool. You have to stay here because you're holding this. I'm going to go talk to everybody else. They're going to get my story first. You have to stay here, though. So enjoy that.

That's so good, yeah. I'm like, weirdly, dude, I'm still, like, I don't want to admit it, but I still am intimidated by old guys. And, like, I'm like, I was one of those kids, like, I would always stand up to, like, teachers and stuff like that at there being, like, something I thought was stupid. I was like, no, I'm like, you're, like, a lot of them, like, our principal, I remember in middle school was a loser. And I would, like, I would very much just be like, this guy sucks and he's a dick. Like, I was not like, I was not a coward. So interesting to speak to someone who had such a different outlook than I did as a kid.

Yeah, I was like, these guys are fucking old. I was so. I didn't know that adults, like, I didn't know what a loser adult was or looked like or what that meant. Yeah. So I just respected kind of adults. I think that was just like instilled in me. What adults say were, like, is correct, period. Right.

That's just the way. And it wasn't like, it should be correct. It was factually, oh, what they say, they know more. So this must be true, you know. Yeah. So I'm like that. Yeah. I was so different.

I remember, like, because in middle school, it's very insightful. Yeah, well, our principal, I was very smart as a kid in those ways that I was like, oh, no, this guy fucking sucks. He's a piece of shit. You were a nightmare student, huh? 100%. Middle school, yeah.

I knew, I went to a private middle school, so I was the dumbest kid there. So I was like, all right, well, I can't be the smartest. It was actually really discouraging. Trinity Preparatory School. Where's that? Florida. Okay, in Florida. Did you say preparatory?

Yeah, yeah. Is that what, is that? Prep school. Oh, okay. prepares you for, I assume, college. Yeah, life, maybe? Yeah, life, life, yeah. And, like, I remember, because I wasn't the smartest kid, I was like, okay, because I went to

I'm sorry, it's not preparatory? I'm with you on this. It is, right? He was just saying how he was the dumbest in the school. Proceeded to mispronounce his school. Okay. I'm sorry. Yeah, I went to Trinity predatory school.

What do you not get about this? I just needed, not just to be a freaking language. know how to say the word. So it's preparatory is not preparatory? It's definitely not preparatory. I thought that was something I wasn't. I was like, just in case it's something I'm wrong about, I need to know this forever. Oh my God. Good. Now it's on the internet forever. Now I'm correct and you're not. Yeah, so I was a fucking dumbass. Sorry, please go on. Yeah.

But I think because of, like, I was in private school my whole life until high school, I was like, oh, I'll never be the smartest kid. So I was always just like, like, I was the funny kid or the screw up. Like I, you know, it was like a problem, troublemaker anyways. I remember the principal, like, he would do shit where like he would, we would like laugh in this guy's face. Like he literally, like, one time, it was so good because I was like, God damn, this guy must have been so depressed. Oh, no, he was a piece of shit. He bopped up a bunch of kids' moms. Oh.

Yeah, the guy's a piece of shit. And this guy's a loser? That's not bad, isn't it? No, no, he's a loser because he took out his energy on like, no, no, because they're like married wives. Oh. He was a loser because he took his energy. He tried to intimidate fucking kids.

Like, I knew what he was doing. You guys have such good game, dude. Like, it's crazy. Oh, yeah, that's why it's really funny when, like, these insults online, like, we have a, you can be a fucking loser and, like, bang a woman who was, like, married to a successful guy. Dude. Yeah.

And, yeah. She comes and fucks the principal. Yeah, yeah. It's like insane. Like, that just shows how little I know about... Cheating on a home wrecking? That's, I think, a good thing. No, it's just...

I have so much trouble wooing, just a single girl who's... Who's looking for a guy. Yes, exactly. Yeah. And there's this fucking guy as a principal. Yeah. And when she...

Oh, in middle school principal. Middle school principal. Middle school principal where the kids are calling him a fucking pussy and whatever. And he's fucking these married women ruining houses. It's insane. That is a piece of shit, actually. Like, that guy sucks bad. Yeah, yeah.

So kids would laugh in his face, though. So that's kind of cool. That's like karma. I would, because I knew this is my thing. I was like, I know what you are. I was very smart in these ways. I was like, I know you're a real weak human being because you're trying to intimidate middle schoolers.

Like, there's something about that. I go, you were, I could tell when people are like, I had a phone call. They're trying to power trip on. Yes, I had a phone call. Remind me about the painter phone call. I'll bring that up in a second. Painter phone call.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. But it's like, I knew I was like, I know what you're doing right now. You are trying to make yourself feel more powerful by being, trying to intimidate middle schoolers. Like, I remember he took me out of class one time

because I turned all the backgrounds and the computers of like a fat, hairy guy and a speedo. And he's like, you think this is funny? You think this is funny? I was like, this is funny. You hit like a whole computer lab? I had like six. Nothing big. It was like six computers.

But he's like, he pulled me out of guys, like, you think this is funny? Like, I was, I was telling me like, this is, I was like, it's what it is. But I didn't have those balls. I did then, but my thing is now, it's like, my intimidation with old men now is the intimidation of he could kick my ass. I'm not scared to say certain things, but I'm scared to bring a fight to a certain level because I think all old guys are strong for some reason. Why does it go there? Why would they, why do you go from? Because when I was a kid, I was like, oh, these old people.

Why are you getting into so many fights with old guys? then. When I was a kid, I think there was a thing fighting over the fucking baby powder and the laboring and shit. Like,

well, I think when I was a kid, I had this thing where I was like, okay, well, like, they can't fight me because I'm a kid, so I can talk all the shit I want. And now that I'm an adult, I'm like, oh,

especially at comedy shows, like there's a little bit of hesitation when you're an old guy talking shit to me. I mean, I still say some stuff, but I have a little bit of like, oh, this guy might storm the stage. That's the same fucking confidence

that, like, women get when they go, oh, man, they can be very upset. They're not going to get hit. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. And so they could just go any territory that they could dream of, any fathomable place.

Yeah. That has been the product of a lot of World Star Hip Hop videos. Women who are like, I'm totally not going to get hit for saying this. Then it's just like, you know, there's like a Russian watermark across the middle of the video. And some lady like, Oh, slotha, blah, and then the guy's just like, Bha! Just walks away.

Which is, which I want to say is wrong. Sure. Mornigu's not taking a full stance on the hitting a woman. No, I think violence is wrong. No, I do believe violence is wrong, yeah. No, I mean, like, let's just say, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, worked at a retail for a while. And, you know, sometimes like male, male customers that kind of, they could be bigger than you or whatever, but you tell them something they don't like.

And if, and generally they're, they're pretty, not necessarily understanding, they might be upset. They might tell you they're upset or whatever. But at the end of the day, you know, they leave and whatever. And then the worst one's, you know, they leave. And then the worst one's, ever where it's like a problem or like it'll be like just um small women that just they'll tell them something and then they get upset and they stand there and they won't move and then they'll just you know it's like well you know you'll get security like go ahead go get it like they just want to they just know you're not touching them yeah yeah dang what kind of retail was it uh this was at the apple store okay yeah yeah oh my god those are the worst women my mom was a apple store monster

my mom would go to the Apple store and my next door neighbor who was like me and my siblings age ended up getting a job at the Apple store when he was in his late teens and she was just she's, my mom's a nice lady so she wouldn't go there and be abusive. Yeah.

But she would go there to specifically ask for my neighbor and just waste his time. Like I can't figure out where my photos are and he would be like swipe the home screen like oh but like

it's always a time consuming did she come with like a notebook full of things as she wrote down she would write notes my mom was a note taker still is yeah uh yeah so your mother must be a sweet lady she's very sweet but damn does she not know how to use a fucking iPhone

but that would be one of my least favorites yeah people coming in well because it's so funny because iPhone's like I'm terrible technology but iPhones are like built for retard Like it's built What are you saying about my mom, dog? I'm saying here's the intellectually challenged

Here's your mom's IQ No Well it's like it's like it's like there's so I'm so bad at technology But it just you kind of just It makes sense I don't know But I guess like if I was from a different era

It would be way trickier to figure it out To be you know what I'm gonna take that back I got a new iPhone There's buttons on the side I don't understand what they do No my mom absolutely And I've told her this before

Because we you know would argue about these things, I would be like, you realize this phone, you know, just being mean when I shouldn't have to my mom. Like, this phone is the most friendly to people who don't know how to use technology device on the planet.

And you don't have a fucking clue how this works. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm with you. I'm with you on this, her being a nightmare with the phone. My whole childhood is like, my mom asking me how to do, like,

simple things on the phone. And I so know how to do it. And I just, like, just screaming her face. and just thinking back on like how little it really would have taken to just do it. Or if I do do it, I give her the most like passive aggressive, shoving back in her hand kind of a thing. You know what I think I would be? I would be, if I ever worked for you, I think I would be your worst employee.

Why? Because I'm one of those people that's really slow and asks a lot of questions. And whenever somebody says the hardest, thing I ever heard is, you know, figure it out from a boss. Oh, well, that's a bad boss. That is true, too, yeah. If you ask me stuff, like, I would, I would try to break it down to you as good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I prefer a person asking me questions on how to do things, then they just assume that they do, and then do it all wrong. And then when providing feedback to that person, they go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then just go. You know, like, you know that when you, they clearly didn't just listen to anything you said, and they'll continue to be that person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's way worse. This is what I'll do.

I'll listen to it and you'll explain it and I'll go, I'll be honest, can you repeat that? I zoned out for a second. Oh, that's no problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's always way preferred. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Because I know, I've realized over time, I'm like, there's no way for me to figure this out. Like, I've had those Zoom calls where they're like, can you do this? And then it's the worst when you can't, when you're like, do you're just kind of like, with your screen on the mouse,

and you're like, uh, yeah. I've been fired. I'm so incompetent, dude. I'm one of the least competent people. I've been fired from so many jobs. Just in every skill? Dude, every trade? Yeah.

Yeah. You just need to find your thing. I mean, I think that's why I... Could it be comedy? I'm praying, dude. I'm praying. I've had a couple people tell me they're like, dude, this fucking comedy shit better fucking work out because you...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know what else... I can run bound events. I'll tell... I can run dress coats for the bound events. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, when you said what the bound makes way more sense as like a BDSM king party, when I first heard you, my hearing's not great, I thought you said it was Mound.

And I was like, that is the perfect but also most disgusting name for an orgy. That's a mound of people. Yeah, it just put this vision in my head of like 40 people just like in a lump of just writhing limbs and lube. You don't kind of freaked me out. I've always wanted to go to an orgy, but everybody has HSV-1 for the most part. 80% of people. That's like a visa, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. What was that? Swine flu?

No, no, no. Everybody's had it. So, like, for some reason, I've had a fear that if I go to a thing, they'll be like, oh, you have HSV1, you can't come in. But like 80% of people have it. Wait, oh, so you have it. Yeah, HV1. Okay. No, it's funny, because you said it like, I'm not going to go because so many people have it. That's what I thought. Right. And you go. Oh, yeah, you don't want to get HSV1. That'd be a nightmare. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. I have. I have. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. those things. And they don't let me in because I have fucking HSV-1. They can be some bullshit like that. When everyone has it. No, I do generalize

a lot. I definitely add like a couple percentages to the percent of people that have it. That's the worst thing I've ever I mean, everybody has, you don't have, you never got a cold sore before? I think I am in the lucky minority that I don't have any issues

with that. In the seventh grade I got a cold source, so now forever I have HSV-1. Okay. You got HSV1 in seventh grade? Yeah. Through sexual activity? I don't know, maybe.

No, what do you mean? I don't know maybe? You don't know what you did? You can get it so easy. You can get that from like tactile exchanges, maybe. Really? Yeah, so like a kid goes down the slide,

their fucking face presses against it. They're face presses against it. I mean, I was, don't get it wrong, I was fucking, uh-huh. You were smooching? I was smooching. I was smooching. So fucking Occam's razor.

Why don't we just go to that? Yeah, you definitely got it from smooching. Instead of this thing. I don't, I'm really weird about stolen valor like that. I'm like, I don't want to say that I got it from that. I don't know that I got it from that. I don't think it's just, it's also, it's not valor. Yeah, I don't know, yeah.

Let's do a quick thing here. You smooched a lot from a young age, have HSV-1. I didn't smooch ever for a while. H-Sv-2. I don't have it. Yeah, yeah, yes. Went straight. I have boiled up.

Well, it's like the thing is there's no reason in telling people you have HSV-1 because there's a 100- no, I stand by this. I will die on this hill. Because is the hill of a mound that you get on your face from a cold source? Yeah, I've had a cold source in seventh grade, so. Oh, yeah. So I don't know what this means or how it works just to complain. You might have it. I poke.

Right. And that's why I wanted to say, like, I'm joking. Shut the fuck. I'm scared. I think we should smooth this over with a kiss. Well, it's like. If 80% adults have it, that's like roughly the number, 80%. 80, yeah.

So then anybody you're going on date on, there's an eight, there's more likely a chance that they have it. 80%. 80%. Let's look it up. I want to be really, really clear. It's probably not 80%. 80%. Look at what percentage of adults have HSV-1.

If it's like 12, I'm going to fucking kill us. Sure, I haven't gotten late that much. But if 80's the number, I should have HSV-1. Yeah, it's like most people. It might be 60, but. More than half adults. What is it? This is very funny.

50 to 80% of adults have it. Holy shit. Which is funny because you just opted to use the highest possible. But you guys have both for sure made out with somebody who has HSV-1. I just didn't catch it. Or maybe we haven't. And we're asymptomatic. I think you're out there just giving kisses all day.

You're just smooching the bodega guy. Well, I mean, 80's a crazy transmissible rate considering you're, Every person you kiss, they've kissed their people. Yeah. It's like nearly impossible to not catch it if it's 80. Totally. You know? So my thing is they should let me in the mound.

Or pound, whatever it's called. Is it called pound? That would be even better. I've never tried to. I'm just worried about the discussion a little bit. I don't know. The pound is also a great name because it's sex but also dog stuff. Yeah, yeah.

So you get the college. Also, have you ever been tested for it? Uh, no. Yeah, exactly. I'm sitting there with two herpes of men. How would you, if I went to, uh, like, get a full STD screen? You have to ask specifically

that can't get blood tested for HSV and what happens is it's very scary because when you first click on the test it says HSV 1 and 2 and you go what? It says positive

and then you click on it and says you have HSV 1 you don't have HSV2 Oh 2 is bad? That's genital herpes right? No. You could have it wherever usually if you have HSV2

it shows in the genitals So it's like that's just the location of the herpes So okay Yeah and that one shows So that's cold sores on your genitals. Yes. Or is it more?

Or like blisters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blisters? And that is like, yeah, yeah. But that is like, that is like you have to take medication for that. Or like, I have not had a cold source. Is it take medication for it because you'll die or because it'll? No, because it'll, like to reduce the symptoms and transmission.

Oh, okay. Yeah. I have a friend who fucked three women and got it. In his life? Yeah. Oh, that sucks. It's unfair, yeah. It's a bumer.

Yeah, but, uh, yeah, it's like, so like, so like, the second one is a big deal, and that's the one. People say herpes, they mean the second one. Because most people, like, as in, you're interacting with the first one. It's like, it doesn't make sense to tell people because most... Yeah. You should actually tell people if you don't have it. Yeah, yeah, it would make more sense.

Yeah. Hey, just before we kiss, I'm HSV-1 negative. Yeah. And then they freak out anyway because it sounds scary. Yeah. Well, and also, it's like, I couldn't give it to anybody unless I have a cold sore, and I haven't had a cold source since seventh grade. So it's like... Oh, okay. Yeah. It's all right.

if you wear a condom, you won't transmit general herpes, right? You can't, apparently, unless it's, like, up here or something. There's, like, some weird thing where, like, you could, but, like, I mean, I'm not going to just, like, everybody's like, you can still get herpes with a condom. It's, like, there's, I don't know. Like, I don't think it's, like, I don't understand it. So I don't know why I'm talking, like, I have this confidence with it. But I think it's one of those things that you have to, like, it's very unlikely you get it with a condom. They're like, well, condoms are only whatever percent affected.

and you're like, yeah, but like... It's pretty high. You take that, yeah. Yeah. It's like, condoms are like 50 to 99% effect. Right, right, right, right. Just some insane range. Yeah, 50% to 80% is a crazy range.

Yeah. It's a coin toss or eight out of 10? Or really likely. Right. Yeah. Wait, so what, I got to hear more about this. What is bringing you to bound? Oh, yeah.

So, um, uh, uh, comic buddy. I won't say who, but he's, uh, had a terrible breakup recently and has been finding himself and all sorts of stuff. And then he met some girl. Finding all sorts of stuff inside of him. Met some girl. And she's like, hey, why don't you come to bound this thing? I'm giving a lot of info.

But, you know, once you come and, you know, I'm going to be part of this thing. And he's like, all right. And he found that it's like so different and kind of weird. you know, he invited me and another buddy and that's something I've never done and so I was like, sure, if it's with him,

I'll go and it sounds fun and different and so I'll try what else would I ever do something like this? So yeah, now this is the week of and... Are you nervous? Very nervous. I'm so nervous.

So do you... So you have to go in some sort of kink Garb. I'm picturing... And I hear people get turned away. For not being kinky enough. Not being kink of it or not looking gay enough. Okay. Well, that's...

Actually, I don't know about the second one, but definitely the kink one. I don't know how you would work on that. Like, just... Would you just come with, like, fucking stuff dripping off your face? And you're like, sorry. Here's my ID. Limp when you walk up there. No, but, like, when you show up, you have to be traveling through public spaces to get there.

So, like, I imagine there's maybe some sort of, like, jacket? No, just, like, somewhere you can, you get in, and then there's, like, a vestibule or something where you get to disrobe and then present. Yes. Because you can't just walk through the streets wearing, like, assless chaps and, like, you know, just a, like, leather harness. It's funny because of all the time, all the considerations I've made, that didn't come up. Like, all I thought was, yeah, it's too cold to go out. That's what I was saying. On the train with, like, just a ball gagging is the funniest.

On your phone. Yeah. I've seen trouble getting into the train. Yeah. They say, oh, we're going to stopping in for delays. And they got out the ball. I got out. Oh.

He has to take it out. He's just like, he's going to Myrtle Whitehouse? This was fucking bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. Takes it out to complain. I've got stuff picked out.

Yeah. I've got like a mesh shirt that, oh, it's literally the last thing open. I just put this on it dry. And I have leather shorts coming in. And which by the way, the model for this is so much. That's so funny. What's the, you said you have shorts coming in?

What kind of shorts? Leather shorts. Okay. That are this high. And someone recommended I should get like a little fanny bag. A little like hold stuff. And then I'm going to wear it just. black Adidas.

So I'm thinking you're going to get turned away for not being kinky enough, unless I'm, I have a different idea of what this thing is. I don't think you need like a dildo in your ass. That's what I'm picturing. I don't think you need the harness and all that, but you do need, from what I spoke with someone who seems to have done these things. And he's like, yeah, I would just show up in boxer shorts and be shirtless. And that's it.

Which you have to wear something to get there. It's chilly. But that's the straightest. I'm worried about you catching cold. I'm worried about you catching cold and HSV-1. I'm planning on just driving there

as close as possible and then we're sprinting. I'm sorry, just the idea of you run into an X. That's the worst place possible. You're briskly walking to unmarked building. Jessica?

You look well. That's so funny because it's like the like, I really respect your like, like you're doing this with your body. Like very open-mindedness. Because like I'm a fucking weirdo. So like to me, it's like to somebody that's like a no-brainer.

I'm like, yeah, of course I would go to like a fucking orgy. I'm like almost no-brainer. But for you being like the way you're going about, you're like, it's not my typical crowd. Look, we're going to see what happened. Like most people I feel like are like, maybe I'm wrong, but most people are like, yeah, I'm going to go to a fucking orgy.

Or they're like, this is obviously I'd go to an orgy. But to kind of be like, let me see what this orgy's about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I see what you're saying. It's a good friend. Yeah, yeah. I see what you're saying is that people going to that are drawn to like the sex aspect and going,

whoa, I got to see that or whatever. To me, the sex thing is interesting. And I'm certainly going to look, see it and whatever. But there's also like a music area. I think I'll, like, yeah, for some reason it's not. I'm not crazy about like, well, let's see all the sex. I'm just curious. Yeah.

But I am, I am an adventurous person as far as like, I like doing offbeat things. Yeah, for sure. And people are like, I think that's so cool because so many people are so the other way. They're like, I would never go see.

Even if you're not participating in the fucking, I'm like, if somebody's like, dude, there's like, and I'm, I'm straight, but if somebody's like,

there's two guys butt fucking right outside, I'll be like, let me, yeah, you're going to go spread the curtains a little. little bit. Yeah. You guys butt fucking,

like I'm always curious. I don't like, that sounds like a good story. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. I think it's a great story. Yeah.

I think, why not? I think it's also like, yeah, maybe this isn't your thing, but it's also just nice to be invited to something. Yeah.

Yeah. That's nice. Even it's just like, look, this isn't my thing, but I was asked. And it's like, all right,

hang out with the people want to hang out with you. I'm picturing you just looking at your calendar and that's the only thing you were invited to that month. You're like, well, I got to do something. I just got to be like, right, right, right. I got to fill Saturday. So I guess there's not a football game on or something my friends are going to. A very big part of why I'm

doing is like when other, what other time will I be able to get to do this with someone I know? Because I would never do this by myself. That's too scary. So this is a way in. And I think there's some excitement too, like, wearing, I'm going to put on eyeliner

as well, which I was an emo kid, but I missed out. Really? I was too late. Yeah. So I didn't get to do that. I would just wear the clothes. And I was like, this is kind of like engaging that part that I missed out on. And also challenging the part of my brain that's like, I grew up in Queens, you know, like, it's gay, whatever. And now I get to wear the gayest thing I've ever worn and be like, all right, this is do it, you know. I showed my friends from Queens and that. And they're like, what the fuck are you doing?

It's so, they think it's so weird. Yeah. That's so interesting as somebody who grew up outside of New York City to hear, because everybody has this idea of New York City as being like this liberal mecca in a good or bad way. Yeah. But then you meet New Yorkers and you're like, you guys are townies. Yeah.

They're not, people who are New Yorkers are like some of the most ignorant people. I've ever met in my life. Like, I used to work with this lady Teresa who was just dumber than fucking shit. She was this fat fucking Italian lady. Sounds hot. She, you would have,

she could take her teeth out, buddy. She came into work one day without them because she had a mouth infection that was so bad. It swelled her face up till she couldn't fit her teeth in. Jesus V-1. Damn it.

Yeah, she was talking about how they need to like round up all the homeless people and put them in a camp. She's... Yeah, and it's like, that's New York. Yeah, that is wild. It's the same location that, like, it's really funny, too, because, like...

It's really just Williamsburg, Bushwick, like, the gentrify area has become the very liberal areas. And I don't know how that became the stock representation of the New York way of thinking. But you go to the very ethnic parts of New York. York?

Ignorant people. Well, you know what I think it is, too? I think it's when you have people on top of people, it creates more friction than it does acceptance. So I think that in places where, like, one of the most racist guy I know is from New York, he's his old Italian guy. And it's because he's like, you're on

top of other people. You're like, like, it's so much harder to, like, accept somebody when you're crammed, like, in a corner with them. So I think it's like, you're probably, like, crammed in a corner with, like, a bunch of like gay guys and you're like, yes. Versus like I think maybe in other like cities where it's more spread out, maybe even like LA you're kind of like, oh, it's a gay guy's on that side of the street versus like

I had this thing. I guess I was always trying to figure out, but you know, but that like there's the ignorant racism that's really bad. It's like you've never met a black person and you're afraid of them and you hate them. And then there's, then you go level up from that and then you go accepting and you cease because you have them. And then there's one more where they're your customers and they're your people you work with

and you see all their patterns and things. It's driving you fucking crazy. And you go, this fucking black guy that comes in like this with his attitude and doesn't respect me and shit. Yeah, yeah. That's the New York level. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is on the top. Informed racism is what you're saying. Informed racism. It's not an event racism. The what? Elevated racism. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, well, it's also, yeah, no,

that makes sense. And there just needs to be, the word racism is what you're saying. is so silly because it's such a umbrella term for so many. It's like they need to... But we are, we're over an hour, so... Yeah, I've had a...

Just when we were heating up... Just when we were heating up. Oh, we want to talk about race and... Yeah. ...how people are different. Man, I wish we had another hour. It's good to end the race talk after the... A hot thing was said, and then we don't have time to explain ourselves.

Exactly. I would love to... I could do this for fucking ever, but it's like... Same. I just, I got, I gotta do things after this. It's the only one of you're checking it off. I was not having, I was having fun. Yeah. I was having fun too.

Yeah. Great time. What was the thing? What's the thing you have to do after? I got to send this file to somebody. Then I have to write for an hour and then I was going to go hanging out of the comedy village and try to get in there. So there's an eight o'clock show there.

So I have to leave it exactly 7.30. Oh, yeah. Okay. Thanks for testing me, though. Nothing, not true obligations. No, no, no, no. You asked me to remind you about the pain. phone call, but now that we

run out of time, I wanted to wait until we were done. Tune in next time. Yeah, yeah. A little cliffhanger. Paint telephone story. Did you already

promote your Instagram or anything? Oh, everything is Andrew Man thing. Oh. That's, check me out. At Peter Wong Comedy. I have a special on YouTube. So type in Peter Wong

on YouTube. I'll come up and that's it. Yeah, very fucking funny. Watch his stand-up. Very fucking funny. Watch the stand-up. Thanks, Michael. And thank you for listening.

Bye. Thank you.