Morning Good - Appropriating White Trash Culture - Episode 83

Episode Date: May 25, 2022

Thanks to Dan and Ryan for coming back on the show. These are always the best episodes.Dan Carney is on Instagram and Twitter @danmancarney. Ryan O'Toole is on IG as well @itsryanotoole and livestreams for Amazon and reviews products that you may want or need, so check that out as well as his new podcast The Ryan O'Toole Podcast.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good? I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. And we are here with Ryan O'Toole. Can we? Can we? I had Joe Centeron, and the whole time he was just looking at Instagram butts. He's a sicko. every time I'm on the Instagram

Discover page and I see like this beautiful girl on the beach pop up where it grabs my eyes I click on it he likes the picture and then I click on the Brod's profile and he's following it

he's the only one for horniness about what a sick of I haven't even spoken yet on the thing you're giving me Oh okay yeah there we go

now we're going with Dan I was like dude I haven't said anything you're critiquing on how far the microphone should be from my mouth yeah yeah I'm sorry it's okay

keep talking about butts butts buts, Instagram, booties. Yeah. I have to like, it's so funny with being with my girlfriend because I don't have to scroll through it like super fast. I'm like, I don't even notice that.

See, I just lay in bed in my underwear. Just staring asses. Absolutely. Just not even, no expression on my face. Not even getting a bono dude. Yeah, I'm not even, I'm not hard. I'm just looking at it for like a while. And then like I'll be still looking at it.

I'll start thinking about something else. And then I'll come back to it. it. And then, yeah, that takes about most of my night. Would it somebody, because you can see so many Instagram butts and you're still like, oh, not, like, yeah, it doesn't. It's never not like, I'm never like, I've had enough of this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, but, uh, yeah, Instagram really, do you think girls are the same with the abs? I feel like they don't. With the, I don't know what girls are in. No, women on programmed like dudes like that. They're not going to, like, see it, they're not going to, like, they'll be obsessed with a dude for other things. They're not going to, like, just see dudes.

Like money. Because think about how many, exactly. But think about how many, different like broads on Instagram you can look at if you just sit in there like a hundred in a matter of no time where it's like girls I don't think

women I don't think a why in that way to just look at hot dudes all day. Everyone, the ones I talk to are women they're adult. I talk to girls. Everyone's superficial like guys Except for us we're real. Yeah, well three of us are reals. Yeah. Real yes. And but like

I don't have like a ton of followers but when I had like 2000 then I got like 10,000. and more like girls would hit me up. Oh, of course. Like on Instagram. Of course.

And it's like, really? Like girls, girls that like, I was like friends with and like the message was like, yeah, they saw the message. And then they were like, oh, hey, what's up? Sorry, I just saw this. Yeah. Or like, hey, like stuff like that. I'm like, oh, okay.

You just care about the followers. That's all you care. This girl sending me. I was on the news a couple years ago in Boston just screaming about the Patriots, right? That's awesome. I was all drunk and retarded. And it was this video and it got like 200,000 views. from this radio station in Boston.

You said, drunk, I like that you were drunk and they thought you were like a special show. They're like the Patriots of a lot. I was shit-faced at the parade and they were fucking broads just messaging me that they liked how I, like, sending me ridiculous pictures and everything.

I was like from one, I was in 11 seconds of this video, maybe, 15 seconds of this video. Did you get any gush from it? No, I should have, though. One really got away that I'm not too happy about. She's not the one, but she is one that got away. He was A1. Yeah.

She was. Hot. Black chick with like an afro. You know when black chicks have like afros? No. Yeah. So fucking hot, dude. Really?

No. Good for you. Yeah. No, no, no. I get what you're saying. A lot of people would say you're a lucky man. No, no, no. It's a sexy look.

Ryan walking behind Dr. Jay, he's like, he turns around. He's like, oh. Sorry, Julius. Sorry, Julius. Dr. Irving. Dude, I, I, uh, I don't know. you guys, but I hate this city.

I'm done with it. I'm officially, I'm pretty over. It's so good for comedy, but the thing I hate is I hate people talk about New York, and then they'll justify it with the lamest things. Like, I was talking to Graham Cooper about it. He's like, where else in the world can you get food delivered to you after 4 a.m? I'm like, literally anywhere. Those are the weakest people.

Yeah. Those are like, they might as well be carpets, you know, like that we walk on all day. I love how I said who it is. You're still. I don't, I mean, it's, I have nothing against him, but that's a horrible thing. People have the same. I will say this. there was one time, me and my friend were in New Orleans

and we were trying to get Taco Bell post 2 a.m. and we're trying to get it delivered. And my friend was literally trying to sign up to be an Uber driver. So he could like, go get it. But yeah, dude, this city's gross. The air like it makes you sick. You've been sick for like a month. I've been sick for like a couple months. It's just like it never ends. Yeah, yeah. You can't do anything about it. The scaffolding,

the homeless people. Dude, I almost got a guy spit in my face the other day, I was with my girlfriend, I just had to keep walking. I was like, I look like such a fucking badge to her. Because I'm like, what am I going to just fight a homeless guy? Did you get checked for hepatitis and all that shit? No, I probably have. It's probably why I'm sick. You probably should. Yeah, well, how old is recent, right?

Because I'm barking and interacting with homeless people, I'm just constantly catching diseases from- Yeah, I mean, like, dude, just being- This place is disgusting. I was telling him, like, I was, uh, I used to live uptown on the west side of whenever I would go, like, uh, like above one-tenth. And, like, when you, like, you take, like, several trains to get to, like, the Lower East Side or East Village

like where we do comedy or Brooklyn or just to go out. And I was up there the other day and I went, you know, back down to the East Village. And you see all the filth of like the entire city. So you're taking multiple trains. You're walking past multiple stations. You're seeing all these people and you're like, God damn, no, like we're, it's so gross.

It doesn't discriminate where it's like you're in like the nicest area in the Upper East Side. It doesn't matter. There's going to be a pile of trash that's going to be three blocks. You know who love it? People from cities that blow. Yeah. Oh, yeah. This is so much better.

I love New York. Don't get me wrong. I love New York. But it's like, like we were talking before this. Like, there's like New York hype beast attitudes like the gayest shit in the world where it's like people will justify like you said. Get in food at three in the morning or like everything that this is. I don't know. I want to call it.

I'm not saying. No, I'm not saying. No way. Of course not. How else could you get a falafo? Of course not. But it's like a lot of people think like New York's the best just because there's a lot of great. shit here, which, again, there's nowhere else I'd rather

live the New York City. Without a fucking dumb. I have a thousand. I think the problem is me and Dan are moving from Paradise. Yes. And we're like Florida is so fucking nice, dude. Oh, it's amazing. It's so nice. If you could have... But there's like good for your health. Yes. Sure, sure. People are just like happier and more oblivious there.

Laid back. And laid back. And there's this sense that you could kind of just do whatever. And no one's going to judge you for it. Yeah, but see, like we talked about this when we were in L.A. like a month or two ago. It's also great. It's great. It's great. But at that same time, I kind of like being in this, like, nonsense. You know what I mean?

Like, I kind of like being in, like, this, like, nonstop thing where California was, like, too slow. Like, is Florida slow the way Los Angeles is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's way slow. People talk slow. When you go, yeah. Well, when you go from, like, here to there, like, if you were to move there, it would be a real adjustment period. Yeah, you know.

The same thing. My thing is I love when people talk about New Yorkers in such a positive way when they're fucking at people who are so rude and it's so funny people are like people like yeah but once you get to know me i'm pretty cool i'm like why would i want to get to know you if you're fucking ass what i need you and here's the thing it's like the the the annoying part of my new york is like yeah like people were rude they're unhappy i remember like i like there was one time i got back from l.a and like i felt like you know i was like oh i saw the side i felt like i was like and maybe in a better mood and i remember someone was like what are you so happy about

they were just they're upset and like there's this attitude of like well if you can't fucking take it then go. It's like, look, that's not cool. Yeah. Like, it's not cool to be like, well, if you fucking can't handle, like, this is, this is the shit, this is the real shit. This is the, no, no, it's not. Like, yes, like a lot of, there's a lot of people,

a lot of shit goes down here, it is, can be tougher to, like, and sometimes to live here than other places, but it's like, fucking, who care? You didn't build it. You didn't make it. You're just subjected to it, so you're putting that on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is such a thing. I don't give a fuck. Oh, oh, oh,

I'm a pussy because I want to sit next to a palm tree. You know what I mean? Like, like, like, I hate that there's this Jordan Peterson clip of him. He's like, life isn't drinking a margarita on the beach.

It's like, fuck you, Jordan Peterson. You're from Canada. Yeah. So you're addicted to Kalanapen. So you put your brain in the same place as being a margarine on this. Hey,

what if it is? I know plenty of people in Florida who just drink margaritas on the beach. It's awesome. And they're fucking stoked. Yeah, yeah. They're not checking themselves into rehab because of Kalanapin. No.

One of my buddies just did that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Yeah, it does get out of hand a little bit down there sometimes. But that's how hard the chilling goes in Florida. You chill too hard that you go to rehab. Yeah.

That sounds pretty good every once in a while, you know? Yeah, yeah. That's why I like it. Like I said, I spent three months in the last, like, three of the last, like, nine months in Los Angeles. And I feel like it's good for me to get a few. After living in this shit, I think you do need to go from one extreme to the other. You know what I mean? You need to travel.

You can't just tell you. You need to get out of the city is what you need to do. You need to, like, for your own health, you need to get out of your fucking... I think we should build a bunker underneath the city. That's the thing you should do. I was the park with Graham the other day who loves the city. But we're walking around... Where is he from?

He's from Colorado, I think Georgia and London. So he's from cool places. Yeah, I guess he's had been a one. He spent a lot of his life in London. Okay. But with the funny part is we're just looking around New York. He's like, isn't his... beautiful the city? I was like, no.

Well, Central Park is. Central Park is? I don't think it's that pretty. It's trapped. It doesn't feel like a park. It feels like in my mind I'm in like a simulation because I'm like, oh, this is nice grass here, but I know surrounded around the grass is buildings. Well, it's supposed to get you out of that. But it's in the center of it. Yeah, but it's in Florida surrounded by

alligators and meth? No, surrounded by water beaches. So you feel open compared to being surrounded by buildings. So I think if I go on, I like, I like parks that are on the river because that makes me feel more like I'm on the edge of like instead of feeling like I'm inside of the building. You get claustrophobic. Yes. See, I love Central.

I love, well, you picked a great neighborhood to live in if you don't like being claustrophobic. I mean, I guess there's no neighborhood in the city that's not claustrophobic. I go to Stuytown once a day in the park. And the problem is, I keep getting nervous that they're going to tell me to leave. Because like, the guy walked in to the other day, goes, hey, how's it going? I was like, what's going on over there? It's like

some kind of weird commune or something over there. It is weird. I know what you mean, because when you're in there and you're walking around, you're like, do they know that I don't live here? And the guy comes up and goes, hey, man, I hate to tell you and he goes, but you see that grass area that doesn't open until May 1st. So May 1st come back, it'll be open for it. I'm sorry it's not open right now

and I was like, I don't fit in, you don't fit into the city like there's something, is that a cult or something like that? It does feel cultish. It's weird over there. It's also very nice. Super, it doesn't fit it. You talk about something that doesn't fit into the city. Other than the buildings looking like the projects, that's, that's their game. Yeah. Is they want people to, they'd be like, hey, don't look at us. We got to, we don't. Totally. I didn't even, I'm not even gonna lie, dude.

I've lived here for fucking three years, three and a half years or whatever. I never knew what that thing was until a couple months ago and I hang over there all the time. Oh, it's great. You ever go in one of the apartments

of some of the apartments? No, I've heard the very nice though. Yeah, it is, it does feel, but... They have their own shit. They have their own, like, grocery store. Yeah. I used to work for them. The grocery store?

Basketball courts and shit in there too, right? Yeah, yeah, they have basketball courts. They have all kinds of residents. They have like an old person community. I feel like... What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is...

Seriously, could someone check in on them? Dude, yeah. They're gonna be... That's fucked up. They don't deserve... I don't know who they... Can I steal that bud light out of the fridge? Yeah, yeah, go right ahead.

I love the conversation. It's too early to be drinking, and then it just starts drinking. I try to get him to go drinking last night. He wouldn't do it. I wish there was more. I wish we could all crack one right now. I'm fucking fighting this sinus infection,

which I've had for like five weeks. Dude, it's bad. I... I just want to be putting a medically... I'm more. I'm like, was there something in the vaccine now? I... Legitimally, dude, like,

I don't know what it. Also, there was a reporter. It was like, The vaccine protects you from COVID for four months, but the new one might be eight months. I'm like, well, then what are I to get it for? Yeah, yeah. I got vaccinated and now forever I can go into a place when it only gave me protection for four months. And since then, I've been sick like 10 fucking times.

Maybe we have long COVID. I don't know, man. Last like nine years. The whole thing's retarded. The whole thing's fucked up. The whole thing's like, like honestly, if I could go back, I don't think I would get vaccinated. I don't think I would either. Because I don't understand the point of it.

Your life would have, you would have had to go somewhere else. Yeah, you could get a fake. I know plenty of people who had and were distributing. Dude, you could take a picture of it. You could have a picture of someone else's. It doesn't even matter. Yeah, everybody's like, if they catch you, they'll throw you. Granted, I don't think the vaccine, like, is, I got it like over a year ago now.

I don't think it's going to kill me or anything, so I don't think it, like, did anything. But, like, dude, I was sick for, like, two days each time. So it's like, I'm not, like, it wasn't worth that at all. Yeah, I mean. What's it? The thing is, I don't know. understand that. I'm watching the other day on the news. They're talking about how fucking Kamala Harris has COVID. And they go, well, she's vaccinated and double boosted. And she has COVID.

I was like, then what's the point of getting all these shots? I do think people that are have comorbidities. Comorbidities. I think they, when they get vaccinated. Totally. It's less bad. Totally. Which I understand. But it's like, bro. I see I see shit on the train the other day saying if you kids under five years old, they have low do low dose moderna fucking what is a fucking three-year-old you know what I mean? You know, I wish I could abort the vaccine I was gonna say, let's go.

Speaking of kids, baby, speaking of kids. I wish I could abort it, but they're fucking turning down Roewey Wade. I'm gonna get in line of Planned Parenthood. I'm like, just suck it out of me. Also, is it just me there's every year, every year the same thing happened. There's crazy.

Roe v. Wade is going to be overturned, a bunch of people get mad about it and nothing ends up happening. I think this has happened last year. What's the thing they're going to throw at us for like a little distraction now? going to give us, hey, aliens might be here. They might. They might. I feel like that one

hasn't caught on in the way they've wanted it to because it's, there's been like four or five legitimate news sources reporting, like, extraterrestrial stuff, and it just hasn't picked up the way they thought it would. There was literally a rock that crashed into like a river. They literally said was, they go, oh yeah,

this thing that crashed was from a different solar system. Yeah. I was like, all right, well, that's pretty crazy. I mean, I guess all asteroids are like that. So, so kind of cool. Yeah, just like the way you brought up there, there was a walk. That was a walk. It was from space. Can we go back to the conversation?

And then they found it. Can we go back to the conversation we were having about 10 minutes before we started to record him? We were telling me about his college fucking dorm room. Because this house, this fucking house. Oh, it wasn't a dorm room? It was an apartment.

Dude, so this is how it would work. My apartment? Because the apartment we're in right now feels like, I feel like I'm in an adult's home right now. I mean, there's a washer machine, a dryer machine, a bedroom windows, the sun. You know what I mean? My goal without Ange is, I don't even want to

visualize what I know it's not him. I mean, he's been, he told me he was doing every drug in the book by 14 or 15, so I just, I need a... You know, you ever see that, what's that, uh, the movie The Suicide Squad with the guy who's like an alligator? Oh, kill her driving into it. Just fucking living. Through college, what happened was

my girlfriend would want me to sleep with her. So we... You would date in her in college, too? Oh, how long have you been dating her? Five-ish years. Oh, then he would already been dead. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, dude, it would have been disgusted.

I literally, my college, my apartment, I'd sleep at her apartment, and then my apartment, I'd just pre-game that. The only reason I would jerk off in my bed, I'd pre-game. Dude, I would just have piles of clothes on my bed. I'd do laundry and just be piled grass everywhere. Would you sleep in the bed when there was just piles of clothes on the trunk? I would sleep on so much shit. Did you have furniture?

I don't remember you like having much furniture. Not a lot. It was like you and this one other guy I just, I just imagine it was like shooting, injecting itself with steroids in the other room.

Probably. Like every time I was there. And then yeah, you guys, you were like squatting there. Yeah, I basically watched it. It was bad.

But the setup with your girlfriend's apartment was in college was great. And then when I was also seeing her roommate. Yeah, you were. And then my other. friend who's producing this is dating. Yep. The other one. So the three of us were at like this one up, this girl's

apartment. Fucking Florida, dude. All, like for like three straight months. And it was, dude, it was the best. Because we in him would do comedy. We would, we would come back. They'd like make us food. We'd drink. We'd play drinking games. We'd smoke. We'd watch a movie. Amazing. It was, we'd wake up with a board a game.

It's up, Michael. How you do? The apartment's clean. The apartment was so clean. Dude, living with girls is the best. Like, living with girls. fights with each other, they'd be like, you left the dishes in there. Oh, I know. It was probably just all the way. And me, Michael and Paxson, like, so, uh, family yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, that was

maybe those, like, three months, if I'm gonna look at, look at the best eras of my life, that's up there. Absolutely. That's, that's, it's a... The witness is also incredible. It was great. It's like, it's like townhouses in a college town. It's at Florida State. Yes. And there's... What city's Florida State in? Tallahasse. Dude, there's a fucking sweet

pool, and the pool just pop off. You. I saw a guy shoot a bottle rocket get out of his ass at the pool and it'd be like chicks and bikinis were like wearing high heels

like high heels and bikinis it was fucking awesome dude just wild beer pong games any time of the day you could go over there and just be people drinking I remember one time

because in my apartment one of the apartments I lived in oh you club was sick that was like 75% women yeah and most of them like sororities

I love going into the fucking thing be like yo what's the ratio here just like I'm like I'm walking for the apartment dude they would like that was like part of like their

They're like, pretty fucking sweet, right? There would be, we'd go to like the pool. I love you to get, you're in the, what's it called? Like, the interview. What's it called? Like, where you're in the leasing office. Oh, yeah. She's a girl pressing her tits against the window.

He's like, me, Barbara. Pretty sweet. I don't know why she's Barbie. Why is she barb? She's a secretary. She's like, fucking awesome. Yeah. But I would go in, like, the pool with there would be sororities holding, like,

events at the pool. It'd be, like, 150, like, hot, like, college girls. And then, like, randomly you'd, like, be walking to class. and they'd be like dudes like throwing kegs into the pool. Yeah. It was anarchy. We would like just get fucked up on the roof

and throw a beer off of it. Oh, I feel like that's a whole, like as someone who didn't go to college, I feel like that's the whole point. Yeah, like if, because I'm like,

when I listen to, I think it's insane to expect like a 17 year old kid to go into college and think about their future legitimately. Especially with a bunch of other 17, 18 year old kids. Yeah. Like how were, like those people are not going to inform,

they're going to inform your decision. but not in a way that's going to be productive to your career. Dude, they literally, they should go around to high schools and they should just show videos of the sick college parties and be like, go. I guarantee those kids work so much hard. Dude, that's what I was motivated. That's a good idea.

My dad took me to a fucking college party when I was like nine. And he was like, I swear to God, they banded me and stuff. I could have drink beer or anything. They're like, because he was like a fraternity at Florida State. And so we went around there. And I just saw like boobs, people drinking. There was like a slip and slide. I just saw boobs.

And I was like, I'm going to study so hard, dad. I'm gonna make you so proud. And that's the only reason I went to college is to get drunk. Is it hard to go to fucking Florida State though? Were you guys there when James Winston screamed fucker right in the pussy and the cafe? You were there for that? That was there, yeah.

That was my football cafeteria. That was my freshman year. That was like the school like union, like it was called like Union Square or something. Were you there when he stole the crab legs and shit too? No, that was a year before. Ah. That was hilarious. James Winston is one of my favorite characters of all time, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those games must have been sick, though. Did you guys get fucking smashed at all those games and stuff? The tailgates are unlike anything you could imagine. The poison I was putting in my body. It's absurd. I've said this a million times of the park guys, but I would wake up. I would drive for Uber Eats or Uber for like an hour just to get the surge money.

Then I would take that money by cocaine. Take an Adderall. We had a four-locke. Do my heart almost get to be loaded. This is what? at nine o'clock, 10 o'clock in the morning. By now it's noon. It's a little better.

Dude, but for some of the noon games, you'd start at like, you'd start like nine or ten for some of them. And wippets, I would just be doing whippets in my apartment. And then I would stay out till fucking, I would go out all night. Yeah. And then I would wonder why I have anxiety. I'd call my parents, I'm like, I don't know what's going on. I'm getting really anxious. Then I'm like, oh, it's crazy.

Dude, I would do, I would do a bunch of dunkeroo's. It's where you, uh, you, uh, you know, what the fuck is at Dunkaroos? I don't talk about the kid snack. you're like, yeah, I was having luncheables, bro. Lunchables. It's crazy. Uncrustables. What's a dunk of rules?

It's where you dunk your head and like, you know, you keep like the fucking beer, like an ice cool or whatever. It's like a lot more water down. So like you dunk your head in the ice water for like 10 seconds, 10, 15 seconds, and you pull it out and then you shot it in a beer. And we just, I do it literally there was one time where I did it five times in a row. Oh, your brain is like, because I was, I remember I was so mad. that like, because the traffic was so fucking bad

getting there. And I just had so much rage and I just had to like get it out of me, dude. And there was like, one of these, this kid was like, can I film you while you? Is it a frat house? Yeah, it's in a frat house. And then we would do them sometimes where like you would pull your head out

and someone would fucking smack you in the face and then you'd shotgun. You could feel anything. No, no, your face was frozen. Yeah. What is the point of doing that? Just, yeah. It's just a point. What's the point of anything? Yeah. Yeah. No, you're right.

right here. What's the point of this? I said, I did, I think... You're the only old I'm a drinking right now. I know. Dude, you got such a good look. Your nipples poking out of your wife. This always, this always pops out, dude. It always pops out. I was at my friend Katie's house the other day, dude. And I was staying over and her fucking roommates like, can you put your nipple away while you're talking to me, dude? It just pops out of it. Listen, wife beat of problems. You know what I mean?

You should act embarrassed back. Oh, I'm sorry. Heaven. I was like, yo, my bad, dude. I want to wear a wife beater. and just be on a roof all summer this summer. It's the best. I don't want, you know, can we just, can we rent a roof? Yeah, dude, totally. I'm just start smoking cigarettes again.

Yeah, I'm going to start smoking cigarettes. Dude, the apartment I'm looking for needs to have a fire escape and I'm going to absolutely yell down on it. I'm going to be very present street life. You know what I mean? Yes. Just hanging clothes outside of the fire. Dude, I say this all the time.

I don't understand how people wear more than a t-shirt during the summer. Like a wife beater when it's 80 degrees, dude, is there's nothing. better. It hits. Dude, there's just nothing better. Yeah, yeah,

it is. It's the most versatile piece of clothing where it's like, it is. You can sleep in it. I don't know if I'd agree with that. Like visually,

it's not versatile. Absolutely it is. What restaurant can you go in looking like this? All the time I go into fucking restaurants and my mother hates it. Yeah, you can't,

I'm not saying you could go into like fucking no boo a fucking petal lougas, but what I'm saying is, I'd barely go to restaurants. You know what I mean? I'm on fucking food stamps. Well,

you're saying it's a, it's a versatile piece of clothing. Dude, you can wear it out, hanging out. Wear it out. You can. You can leave it out with it. Yeah. Dude, you absolutely can.

It just, you absolutely can. You could, you pull it off. But I'm saying, the only thing you wear it with is, like, jeans and gym shorts. Like, you can't wear it with, like. What else am I wearing? I'm not wearing a fucking t-siddle every day. But versatile means you can wear it with different scenarios. It's different things.

We're not fighting the look itself. We're fighting your argument that it's the most versatile piece of clothing. Yeah, I think a white t-shirt, like, that's probably the most versatile. Yeah, without the design. Yeah, yeah, just like nothing. A nice, like, clean, like, white-tie shirt. Yeah, but what I'm saying is, as far as being comfortable and, like, worrying about stuff, you don't sweat as much. Dude, these fucking Haynes, super soft wife beaters, I swear to God, are the best thing in the game.

Like, they're the most comfortable piece of clothing you could wear. They're probably cheap, too, right? Dude, I got fucking ten of the- I would imagine. Yeah, I'm like... Dude, you can get, like, a six-pack for, like, 18 bucks. Yeah, it's a lot of truth. Yeah, yeah. You know, I love what...

I'm never going to stop wearing wife beaters ever. No, I don't blame you. They're just like, I'm like, I know you guys are saying like, yeah, you don't agree with the fact that they're more versatile, but I cannot believe that everyone just doesn't wear them. Because when I put a t-shirt on specifically in the summertime, I'm like, this is so uncomfortable. Dude, I don't know. And like you can check. Look at this. They're stained.

Oh, dude. It looks like skid box. That's fucking disgusting, dude. It is gross. They're permanently black. I know. It's gross. That's fucking nasty.

They're permanent sweats. You need to get new shirts. I only buy new clothes with my girlfriend buys it for me. I, dude, I barely buy. I haven't bought new shoes in 18 months. I haven't bought, like, new shirts. You look so gross down right now.

Dude, because your rob pits are literally brown, dude. Yeah, I don't know. I'm unemployed, man. My life's in the dragon. It's not because you're unemployed. It's because... Actually, I've never given a shit about my appearance. You've had that shirt as long as I've known you.

It's, yeah. That is true, because I was just going to say, I think I've seen you wear that Rolling Stone, because I love it. It's a great shirt. I think I've seen you wear that shirt more than I've seen you wear any shirt. Dude, I wear it back.

For years now, right? Well, I got it at the concert. You can't get anywhere else. Oh. How long have you had that, uh, that shirt? For like three years, my dad took me to a Rolling Stones concert. I was going to say, I feel like before the pandemic, I remember seeing you wear that shirt. Yeah, yeah.

It's, we should have just thrown away all of our clothes before COVID. It's a Michael good classic. Yeah, absolutely. No, you got to keep that. Also, but I think matchings, sometimes being fashionable can be lame. Like, you go, you want to fresh. I know. But some people, like, when you lay your outfit out on your bed.

And you're like, no, not this one. I've never laid my outfit out on a bat. Oh, I used to always, bro. Really? Absolutely. I used to, dude, I remember my junior year high school, I don't think I wore, like, one outfit more than, like, twice. Oh, shit, you really care about. I'm dead serious.

I had so much. I still have, I had so much clothes. And now you wear only the same outfit always. Well, I do have, like, I literally have, like, 50 wife beaters, you know what I mean? Same shirt, yeah. But, that's how it was rolling so shirt. I actually have 10 of these. Yeah.

They're all, they all have skid marks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is easier, though. I will say, like, life is easier. Because I've gotten rid of so much clothes in the last couple months since I'm literally living out of a suitcase. And, like, it is easy to just getting out of the house when you just have, like, all I have is jean.

I have, like, three pairs of pants pretty much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, five shirts, maybe, and then wife beaters. My favorite are my pants in college, dude, I would do this thing. None of my pants would button because I got too fat. I didn't want to buy new pants. So I'm not even getting, look, all my shorts are my pants. They're just undone.

And then occasionally I'd have a bobby pin, like, connecting them so they don't come unzipped. But people, I, dude, I would, dude, I would free ball. I'm not even kidding. And then my pews would just be hanging out of my pants. And people would be like, dude, I can literally see your fucking push. And I'd be like, oh, my bad. Why did you do that, man? I was just drunk all the time.

I don't know. There was just a different time period. Why wouldn't you just put a piano underweight? I wouldn't wear socks. I wouldn't wear underwear. A little argument, I was like, why would I wear a little shorts under my shorts? I did. See, I agree with the socks.

I wouldn't. Why would I? Dude, that's fucking raw, dude. Never socks, never boxes. I didn't do socks in Florida. Like, I would really, really do socks, but I would always wear underwear. Nah, dude, I would just shake my dick, just piss my pants. And then somehow my girlfriend would just keep fucking me for my whole life.

No, but I will say, I will... It's wrong with her. No, I know. Let's shift the conversation. I'm wearing her hat, by the way. No, but I will say, though, we're in... I've done this where I've been out of underwear, like, that all been dirty, and you can just wear a pair of shorts in the winter as underwear.

Wear a pair of shorts as... Oh, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You have fucking diaper on it. I have dry... You got three pairs of shit under your jeans? Blue lemon fucking underwear, dude.

Why you wearing a gym shorts? Because if I get hot today, while I'm performing or doing anything, I can take my jeans off. Dude, please mid-set, just take the jeans off. I will. Absolutely, I will, dude. That's fucking awesome. Dude, I would love that. Have fucking the rip-off pants. Oh, yeah. The NBA?

College basketball? Oh, I was thinking in sync. That's it. I don't watch sports. I just watch Insync. That was my favorite. I barely watched King of Hill, but one episode I watched, they're like really into the like an in sync band.

And like, Hank, like, loves the band. And then he goes to the concert and they rip their pants off and start helping. He's like, oh, no. Such a great show, dude. That show is a classic. It really is. I grew up on that show. It's so good.

So fucking good. I just like, the idea. just having four dudes stand outside drinking beer and like making a show out of it's pretty solid because when you look at it it's like they will live in life in Texas dude yeah exactly selling propane Dale dude like there was just so many let drive in the lawnmower dude you know what I mean like they made a cartoon just look like so

so fucking good Texas look cool that is so cool the coolest that's the coolest Texas has ever looked I would argue like nothing has been cooler that with a Texas than that especially when I've gone to Texas a few times Fuck Texas. I like it, but it's not as cool as King of the Hill, dude. It's not as cool as King of the Hill. No, no, no, no.

Yeah, I've never been there. But my thing also is, like, I think that's one thing that sucks about New York is because you're surrounded by so much cool shit that it makes you depressed. Because, like, you look at, like, a penthouse. Like, if you live in, like, you're content with your life if you live in other states. Maybe you are, maybe you're not. I think there's a thing where you're like, oh, listen, I'm going to be a gym teacher. That's sick.

That's what I'm doing with my life. You're not, like, going around and you're looking at you're like, oh, goddamn, I can be driving the sick car because you see all these rich people in New York this is a great city to be if you're fucking loaded but if you're like not it's a good city to be in to get I guess the motivation to be like if you're like a highly ambitious person

but circling back to Texas is this is this any like does this make sense like Texas because King of the Hill is like oh that's it's very slice of life ask you know like it makes Texas look really cool it's like that's what people do but then when you go there people are very aggressive

about yeah this is Texas this is what we do You know? Yeah. It's, it's... It's same with you, New York. Yes, yes, yes. The Texas Cowboys are New York Hypeas. They're just the same people.

Yes. I agree. Okay, I agree. But that being said, though, when you're in, like... I was in a, dude, my 19th birthday, I spent it in a town called Van Horn, Texas, right? Has a population of about 1,900 people. That's fucking Texas. We're like, those people don't know.

Those people have never left the state. You know what I mean? That is Texas. They never seen a Chinese person ever. No, hell no, dude. That's like, they don't even know if those... They just think it's... special effects in movies, dude, you know what I mean?

They're like, what are they doing? What's this new Robocop movie coming out, dude? But that's Texas, dude, right? I went to a saloon, dude. A fucking saloon. Dude, it was dusty, like, it felt like I was in, like, a dusty, like, a log cabin, but like a dusty wooden building. And people are smoking cigarettes inside, playing pool.

There's a jukebox. I'm like, this is fucking Texas. There's a saloon in Austin where you could, like, mine, like, I went in there, and people, like, mining for, like, silver. Dude, on the computers. Austin like, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's weird. Austin doesn't feel like Texas though. It's not, no, it's not, no.

The dive bars in New York also fucking suck. Ah, I disagree. Not all of them, but there's like a lack of like, there's some great. There's dive bars that try,

there's bars that try to be dive bars in New York. There's a lot of those. That are not trying to be in. Like, that's a true. And those are the places that don't typically have big lines

or anything like that. Like, they're just, you know, there's also the hipster dive bar. where you see a bunch of kids are like, the worst. The worst.

The worst. That's not a dive bar. That's culturally appropriate and white trash culture is what that is. There has to be a guy in a construction and a uniform sitting at the bar.

While he's on the clock. Or I want some like fucking Swedish motherfucker and like a gimp outfit or something. Give you something grungy as fuck. But you can find that in New York, you can find that in New York. You can.

Yes, you can. Oh, I thought you said you can't. No, you can't. Oh, yeah, you can't. You can't. It's there. It's absolutely. All that shit's there.

It's just like... I don't like going to places with a line. I'm never waiting a line. Dude, I'm so with you. I'm so with you. I'm so with you. I will never wait in a line for a bar.

I don't give a fuck. I would go out by a shotgun. The only gun I've ever fired would be to my own fucking head. I'm absolutely with you. I will never. I don't understand why people wait. Because the worst is Collie. Collie.

Collie would do this until I see. Where they purposely make the line list? What's collie? It's his college bar. It was called... Yeah, it was like Coliseum. Coliseum is a Coliseum is a nightclub. I'm talking about like you go to Lorry's side.

Oh, bro. And like, especially in the summer. Salty's the same thing. Dude. You go to Lory's side in the summer and shit and like the line is wrapped around the block to get into these places. And it's like,

what is so good that's going to be doing? You're going to be doing while you're inside the bar. It's just as fun to get like it's going to take you an hour plus to get a drink. Yeah. Dude, we went out with Jack to one of those places where we went. Jack? You know Jack.

Yeah, yeah. And he's wearing shorts. Fucking. In her psycho friend. And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you can't get in with shorts. And he goes, what if I pay you $250? And he paid $250 to go in this place with shorts on. And the line was horrible.

And he goes, yeah, it's a rooftop place. It wasn't a rooftop place. They just had a second floor. And it was like, drinks are just so expensive. You're like, this isn't even that good of a place. No. I ended up stealing, they had triple, they had a bunch of VCRs. Like, you know, they were like, look how cool we are.

We have fucking, like, movies on, like, display. And I just stole, like, three of them. I was like triple X. I went to, I went to catch one time. A place fucking sucks, dude. I got thrown out of that. I only went once and I was with like some friends or like friend of friends, whatever, right? Like I was with one of my friends and he brought me to some like pregame or party or something.

And they're like, oh, we're going to catch. They got a table. I'm like, whatever. I was new to the city. I was like, ah, I'm just along for the ride. You said it sooner. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay, maybe I'll go.

And I go and we get there and like it was a table, but like I didn't get in on any of the bottle service or anything because. You never do. There's always just like one dude hogging in. Yeah. The food's not that fucking good. Also, like, you know, they don't know me. So they're like, they're not going to share with fucking me. And it's like, you know, I don't like exude wealth or like a model or some shit.

So they're not going to hook me up. And so I was like, I just go to go to the bar. Like, I'll have like a beer. So I don't look like fucking awkward. I go is $20 for a Budlight. It's the cheapest option they had. That's what people should fucking be shooting those places up instead of fucking schools. I'm saying.

Why you go to the train? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Take that shit. People go to work. Sox, bro. I went to that place once after like.

And I heard about it all the time. I'm not like a fancy restaurant person. I went in there, that place fucking sucks, dude. I went in there, I got some fish, got some seafood, whatever, dude. Didn't pay for anything. I was like, oh, you know what, I'll fuck it. Place sucks. You didn't pay for a fucking...

It was a day after I fucking got married, dude, and some rich dude was like, oh, I'll buy you guys. It was like, I was with friends of friends. Like, we'll cover your fucking shit or whatever. Dude, I was miserable the entire time, dude. I remember I got... Why are you busy to get a free meal? Because the place sucks, dude.

It's like hanging out in like somewhere you don't want to hang out. All the people that were surrounding me. You could have been like, hey, let's go somewhere else? You want to know why I was miserable? Because I fucking married someone I never wanted to get married to in the first place. It was. It was. It was a rat's a rat guy with a great fit.

It was. It wasn't that great. It wasn't that chicken and seafood. It wasn't that fucking great, dude. You go to the fucking bar upstairs. It's just a bunch of sweaty fucking coke heads, tripping on ecstasy, sweating all over the fucking place. A bunch of dumb brods who don't fucking speak

English, which that's like kind of a cool pop, but not that fucking great. You know what I mean? The place is terrible, dude. It's in the middle of nowhere. That whole part of town, the west side, Chelsea, whatever the fuck you want to call it, fucking tell Putin to just take his fucking anger out on that part of town. It's a fucking hellhole. Everything over there, you go out there, it's nothing but a bunch of warehouses selling

clothes and fucking filet mignon. It's garbage over there. The place sucks, dude. It sucks. You go outside. You go outside. They have an Uber line like it's a fucking, like, at some fancy fucking casino or something.

It's like, dude, we're at a fucking high-end restaurant. Let's slow it the fuck down. We're in New York City at the end of the day. I could fucking put my fucking hand halfway above my head and a cab's going to show up. We don't need the fucking lines. We don't need all this valet bullshit, dude. I hate that.

I hate that fucking hellhole. Hate that hell hole. I used to fuck around with some girl who worked there, like two summers, whenever the fucking pandemic was. I just like, can't wait for everything to open up. Can't wait for everything to open up. I was just like... I like how it all comes back to a girl.

I used to see a girl around there, and, oh, God, she was amazing. Yeah, yeah. She wasn't amazing. And now every time I go there, I think of her. That place is horrible. Because she was there. I was there. I think I realized, like, I didn't hate rich people in Florida.

It's a different kind of rich person. The rich people I met New York have been awful. I met these girls. They came to a comedy show. They're from Canada. Anyone that thinks they have money or wants to be, like, a New York socialite person? The worst people. Jump.

Just jump. The worst. Go. and jump. Horrible. So first, she was a show to the Lanter the other week and then

I was in front of the pair the other day selling tickets and she's like, oh, hey, is this show gonna suck like that other show? And I'm like,

all right, well, you know what? Probably. Yes, but I lied. With that attitude, everything's gonna say. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

How did you please you? This is what they said, ready? She goes, she goes, yeah, well, my friend was just assaulted at the comedy cellar. I was like,

really, what happened? She goes, the door guy assaulted me. I was like, really? She goes, yeah, he verbally assaulted me. Oh my.

And I was like, she goes, now we're getting to. Someone who says that, male or female, especially female, should be allowed to be physically assaulted. Like, what are you fucking saying? He raped me with his attitude.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but that's the problem with those people. It's like, people that, like, want to be rich. Because, like, I know something.

I'm like, people that are actually rich that, like, you don't know it. Those are cool people. You know what I mean? They drive minivans and shit. Exactly. And just sit around

and drink bear and shit. They're also from Canada, so they don't know what's happening. they're gonna get knifed. They're gonna have no idea what's going on. But it's, this is, it gets worse than that, right? This is what she said. She goes, she goes, I'm gonna call the police on him.

And I thought she was kidding. And I was like, yeah, it would be funny. She goes, why is that funny? I go, you're gonna call the- She was like 20. Yeah, yeah, I was like, you're gonna call the police on the bouncer because he was mean to you. She goes, he verbally assaulted to me.

The things he said to me were nasty. Well, we went to college, the bouncers would literally beat the fuck out of people. Hell yeah. Throw them in the middle of the street for cars to run. I'm not either. Yes, yeah. I had a Cokehead friend who was a bouncer And I saw him do a Coke in bathroom

I swear to God, I see him go While he's working Yeah, all the time Oh yeah, they all would do And he would go, he would go, he'd go, Dude, I want to fuck somebody up He's like, I want to fucking kick this shit out of somebody. They would beat the shit of people

And toss their bloody bodies in the street Yes, yes Well, yeah, that's assault That's attempted murder That's aggravated That's how it was before cell phones I would say the next day He'd be like,

I shouldn't have been acting like an idiot Like there's no way he was like fuck that. Exactly. That's how it was before cell phones and shit were around. There were cell phones, but it wasn't like no one had been like, uh, caught. Like, every now and then people

get fucking, I'm saying it like the 1970s, 1980s, 1980s, 1990s. You could, a bouncer could just beat the shit out of someone and it just shoot someone in the head on the street. Yeah. Well, also, the funny part is, I don't, I don't need that back in my life. I'm not saying we need, no, I'm not saying.

That's not what I'm saying. You used to take your head out on somebody's in the middle of the street. The mob would tell you to go in you. They don't even let you slap people. They don't even let you slap people. You can't even get in a fight anymore without it being like analyze If you slap someone you might as well have like shot up Exactly

Why stop there? But I think that's the best way of correcting everything Like as someone who's gotten my ass kicked Way more than I've given out any ass weapons in my life dude I've learned all of my lessons by talking too much shit Or doing way too much dumb shit And then I get my ass kicked and I'm like Oh now I see where I fucked up

Yeah but the problem is drunk people because they don't remember Like they're gonna get their ass getting their ass getting their back I've probably won that fight like they don't understand Well, everyone is the star of their own Solar System. Yes, yes. It's like everything revolves around me. I'm sorry, it's very funny

because you're wearing like a prima don'tada hat right now. Everybody thinks they're special. Everyone thinks they're special. She'll put a I'm special. And everyone thinks they're a star, but they don't know what it means to be a star. Okay? That's the problem.

No one knows what it's like to actually be the shit. I am it. Okay? When you think of it, I'm that fucking thing. That's fucking great. I am thinking about how bad of a scenario.

What a dumb idea to have college students be the bouncers at a college bar. They had some non-college bouncer. Occasionally. Like seven-foot-tall dudes. You're in Florida. Who is it? Kodak Black's cousin? No, literally.

Yes. Of course. T-Pain's niece got shot in broad daylight. She got stabbed at CVS. Yes, at CVS. Why is that funny? Should she die? Yes.

Yeah, she died. She'd hear a piece of shit. You know what's fucked up? You know what the fucked up part is? When that happened, I literally had a fantasy that I saved her. And then I became friends with T-Pain. That's so cool, dear Connie, you saved my niece. I fantasize you.

You're the coolest guy ever in the world. That you were friends with T-A. That I saved his niece. And then I became friends. He reached out to me. because he heard. And I declined to be interviewed. I declined to be interviewed.

I just did it at the goodness of my heart. And then the teammate was like, no, I need to know who saved her. And you found out in my name. They contacted me. Did she go to school there? No. No, but he's from Tallahassee.

That's a T. Yeah, yeah. That's, yeah. No, I do have those fake snares of certain celebrities like Gucci. I always picture random interviews like Michael Goods, he's real as a get.

I don't know why I always have this like random scenarios in my head or my like, Gucci-Mean co-signs. There's no reason Gucci-Mane and I will ever be friends, but there's nobody I'd rather. You don't know that, because you do comedy and it's like, I always told myself,

I wrote down in a thing when I was, I was all fucked up in Spain a couple years ago, and I wrote down, I was like goals in comedy, and one of the goals I wrote was being an NBA young boy video. Yeah, I would be pretty sad. You know, just because I was like,

that's like attainable. You know what I mean? Where it's like, I'm a comedian, he's a rapa. He does some pretty funny shit, and he's out of control. I'm like, I think that could happen. Yeah. Yeah.

That's not like unrealistic. Like, you could be friends with Gucci. I think me and two chains could have a nice conversation. Yes, with that hat on. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially, can I wear this out? Well, 100%.

It's going to hurt your neck. It will hurt my neck. I'll wear it out like one night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please do it. Well, I think you can shine a light on it. It can like disco ball probably. If I wear this out, like with the right fit.

Yeah, someone's having a seizure. Oh my God. Dude, wear like a, what's called, like a track suit, but one made out of fur. I can see that, like a fur tracksuit. Like a velvet. You still have, don't you still have my fucking Valoura fucking Trach suit? I got to get that back to you.

I've never had the confidence to wear a track suit. But now it's like, oh, the best. Dude, I wore it for that sketch. The best. I've never felt better. They look so close. There's a guy who stopped me on the street. He was drinking out of a brown paper bag.

And he goes, hey, man, I used to have that same fucking track suit. He's like, man, that's the tracksuit. He's like, safe to pussy for the rest of us. Yeah, that's awesome. And I feel that felt great. Bro, it's true. You know what I love? You ever see those people in New York?

Did you have a hot girlfriend? No. Oh, damn. I do like seeing guys that look like a bleak garbage with like really hot girlfriends. Yeah. Which is funny. I was thinking about this. I was like, you know, all these girls, everyone, the cool thing now is to be into like

these pale, skinny, sickly looking guys. I have been that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the longest time. But here's the thing is I'm actually pale. I'm actually sick. And I'm actually sickly looking. I look like I could sell math or I'm, you know, whatever.

I'm the opposite of what is in right now. A fat tan guy. My time happened, dude. High school was great. But you're like a, you're like a, uh, uh, one of the, like a boyfriend who's like, a child also. Yeah, that's in. That's in.

Peter Griffin. Yeah, you still, you still, you still, there's still a market for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm just like, I'm sickly and pale looking. Why, like, where's my comeuppance? Yeah. Well, it should be your time. I think about like, uh, like, like, you know, the pictures of like a Florida

man does this shit. It's like a pale, sickly looking guy on math. It's like, that's what on paper you're into. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you put your money where you're Yeah, you want the fake version of that. Take the guy who attacks someone with a squirrel. Hate that guy. Yeah, that is what they

That is the look at all the NYU kids look like that. Like they're just these thin. Cross like that cross. Yeah, it's like machine gun gallery. I have the opposite. My favorites I love when people are like, dude, you look so old for 25. I'm like, yeah, it's because I was in the sun. I was at the surface.

I don't know. Stop doing that. It's been some stolen valid, dude. That's why we need to fucking bring back. I, I, I, yeah, I, I don't know why it doesn't bother me. People do that. I think it's kind of funny to say, dude, I was watching Stolen Valour

22 videos. They're so funny. There's still new stolen Valor videos coming out. I was like, because I just haven't watched those videos in four or five years. You know what I mean? And they came back, I was fucking rolling like it was the first time I ever saw it. Oh, it's so. Well, also like, the funny part is like, the people that weren't in the service and get so mad about it.

Oh, I know. I know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody. And I'm like, all right, well, here's a scenario. It doesn't matter. Well, they're all, like, definitely, like, kind of retarded in a way. You know what I mean? Where it's like, they have something wrong with them if they got to do that, you know? But, dude, it was so fucking, dude, stolen valid videos.

I think that's one of, like, the best YouTube subjects, you know? Oh, yeah, they're great. And there's always, like, there is, like, somebody who actually had service. He's like, look at this dumb son of a bitch. Like, he knows what the guy is back to do. They're catching guys that, like, fucking in the pocket lot of, like, a target in a mall, dude. And then, like, they just quiz them all the way down. Like, these dudes, like,

know, like, 85% of, like, what these patches and shit means. They slip up once and they just get fucking annihilated, dude. It's so good. It's so fucking good. Yeah, I feel like that's something that you don't... That'll be an interesting thing to see in person, like a stolen valor. Dude, I had something happened to me

along these lines. Did you switch his shit off? Pretty recently. What's up? Oh, that's how you switched his mic off. I plugged it every side. I just turned it off. And he's just talking about. Yeah, cool shit. I was at a show. I did a show. in Atlantic City the other week. And I had this...

My dad, obviously, was using the Army. You guys know that. Mine, too. All right. I heard his dad could kick your dad. Ryan. Tell him, I said thanks. But I had this joke about, you know,

ex-Ivant military ID. And all, like, family members of military members, they get one. It's called, like, a dependence ID. And I can use mine to get military discounts. Yeah. And, like, so, like... So, like, it's...

It's, that's, which is not stolen about. It's the thing you could just do. Yeah. You know, so, like, I've done it, like, before a good amount of times. I'm like, does everybody say thank you for service? Yes. They don't understand it. Yeah.

So, like, then I, you know, I have to correct them and everything. Like, and so I have a joke about that, right? Yeah. And so, like, halfway through the setup of this joke, I kind of go, like, has anyone here ever been thanked for their service before? And this guy, this guy was going well. This guy goes, yes, I have. And he's like, and it's because I actually served.

No, exactly. And I was like. oh, well, thank you for your service, whatever. And, you know, I was kind of like, all right, dude, just fucking, and he, like, he starts, he keeps going. He's like, I actually served and you didn't. You're saying that you accept, like, you know, that you're taking credit for something you didn't do.

Yeah. And I was like, no, that's, that's not what I'm saying. You didn't let me finish the joke. Yeah, yeah. And so it kind of goes on. And then, uh, he gets kicked out of the show. They kick him out like fucking immediately

It's a way to treat our veterans And dude I just Yeah that's how I would talk to I was like this is fucking I was like I just got a veteran kicked out Yeah I just kicked that guy out He has one leg

And he's like hobbling out of the comedy club And I'm like hey thanks for coming to Atlantic City comedy club Hey guys glad we got that asshole out of there The audience is just clapping You're like yeah Fuck that guy It's okay

We'll send him I was like I will send him a signed copy of American sniper From the guy signed by the guy who killed Chris Kyle. And I was just like, you know, like this fucking guy got so mad at me. But he said his dad served in Vietnam. No, and he didn't.

Now, he served apparently, but it's like, if his dad served in Vietnam, what did he serve in the fucking, like, I guess the Gulf War or some shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should have never even been there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who I could have served that, right? Dude, I saw my favorite what I ever saw is, I was with, you know, Christoph Jean?

Yeah. We were doing a show, and he was making fun of the town's local, militia because they had a poster for the militia on the wall. Is this Florida? Yeah, yeah. And this guy stands up, he goes, have you ever killed a man before? And he goes, uh, no, I have not. And he goes, he goes, have you?

He goes, yes, I have. And then we're just like, okay, that's weird, man. He starts getting into it. And then, uh, he starts, like, joker out. He's like, well, I didn't think you'd be so sensitive if you've murdered somebody before. Because Christop does not give a fuck. He's like a dirty guy, but he's so funny how much he did not care.

But, and then the guy goes, I'm a very sensitive man. And then the guy just comes up and just like puts his hand out to shake his hand on stage, shakes it, the guy just walks out of the show. Well, yeah, what a fucking, I mean, the fact that there's militias. Yeah, yeah, it's such a funny idea. What are militias even do?

It's supposed to like, so we can protect ourselves against the government in case of like, you know, shit goes down. But it's like, we were having this conversation yesterday. It's like, what's the, even the point of like the Second Amendment anymore? It's like, it was to, like so we can defend ourselves against government, whatever, like, you know, have like a chance, but it's like

the government has like a ship that they could take if like a meteor strikes Earth. You know what I mean? Like the technology and weaponry is so advanced. Yeah. What kind of chance do we have? No, I agree, but I think the point is that like in certain countries like North Korea, nobody has guns. We're not in North Korea. No, no, I know.

I know, but what are we talking about here? The point I'm saying, though, is I think it causes some sense of hesitation. They're like, all right, this is going to be a huge war. Instead of like, I think it's easier for the government to do whatever they want if nobody has guns. that they do have guns are like, all right, that's a pain in the ass to deal with. So it does create some sort of balance

if every single person has an arm. And also the difference is... I guess, so. Yeah, I don't want to get into a gun debate on the fucking podcast. Man, let's talk about abortion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

We barely even talked about Rovers, Dwayne Wade, dude. I don't know. How often do you think he gets that? Probably all the time. Yeah. Right? Especially now. Wade's trending.

I bet if you click Wade on Twitter, there'd be at least one highlight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially with... Now that Roe v. Wade is trending. Yeah. He was when Dwayne Wade hit that game winning positor.

Especially, especially now that there's the NBA playoffs going on. That's true. I think... Dude, I don't... I just... I've been asking people. I'm like thinking,

I'm like, I don't understand why everyone's so fired up about abortion on either side. I get it. I get it. I don't understand why you don't understand. Because, like... Why don't you think it's a big...

Okay. I'm not saying I don't think it's a big... Obviously, it's a big deal. People don't shut the... You don't get why people were going to work up about it. That means you all think it's a big deal. Because the people that are getting worked up about it are people that aren't even getting pussy or getting dick. You know what I mean? It's like,

dude, I'm seeing fucking 17 year old kids post online about abortion and shit like that. It's probably never even got their dick sucked before. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? It's like there's like, what do you do? That's the age where you're fired up about. Yeah, yeah. I was fired up. I know, but it's just like. Dude, college, my Facebook in college, staunch Bernie bro. Hardcore Bernie. Hardcore Bernie. I don't think I ever put anything like that out there. Very anti- like Trump.

Yeah, I would get in group chats. Bensi Devo's just going against her. And like, you know, it was great. Who's Betsy Devo's? I don't know.

It's a school lady or something. It also, I knew at the time. I don't give a shit now. Because you never really care. Am I? No, you don't care.

No. I care about Bernie. You never really. Sure, but like you never really cared. Like, I look back at it. It's like, dude, I legitimately cared about the 2003 ALCS

Red Sox. He's like, I legitimately had problems with Kareem Garcia and Alex and, well, Roger Clemens, you know what I mean? Like, I had those, like, I can't. So it's like, I, people say shit about, like, oh, I was your Roeby's way. Yeah, well, I care more about sports

than half these fucking idiots care about abortion. Well, this is what I think it is. It feels so good. I do. To protest something and be mad about something because you feel like you're being productive when you're really just being angry. Like, it's very easy to say like,

oh, man, fuck this, because you feel like you're doing something positive. Now, my thing is, listen, I'm for abortion, but also, I think, it's just mirror every year, do people have to say Roe U. Wade is going to get overturned, and there's a whole argument about it, and nothing fucking happens. It seems like every year, maybe I'm crazy, but every year I feel like this conversation comes from like, yeah, this person's going to overturn, Trump's going to overturn, Trump's going to overturn, this person's going to, and it never happens. Now it'd be a great time to start buying up Planned Parenthood. Stop, yeah, well, not even the stocks, just the actual real estate, because like they're, I'm invest in abortions. Yeah, they're going to be out of business. They're going to be a foal lease sign and every plant in the city.

That'll be a taco bell. It's so gross. We'll be serving fucking crudraps and dreams. They're using the clips. The medical clips to like, dude. Here's your taco. Sorry, sorry that abortion's out, but guess what's back? The Mexican pizza.

Oh, fuck, dude. The Mexican pizza is coming back, and that is a sign of light in this dark. Never had it. It's fantastic. Wait, what is it back now? It's the item at Taco Bell. I'm going to look up when they're back. Is it an actual pizza?

It's a fucking Mexican pizza. It's a tiny thing. Mexican pizza Taco Bell. I could go for some Taco Bell. Dude, I can always go for some fucking Taco Bell. I'm living across the street from one right now. Dude, a Taco Bell in the middle of the day, arguably better than late night. When you fully just say, hey, I'm going to commit and have this.

Dude, I get the thing that has Cheetos in and now. Have you had the Cheetos? May 19th. Does it fuck you? Does it fuck you up? They never at least date for it. Like it's a parent, Jordan. It's great.

This can be a big week. Teddrich Lamar's album comes out. Do they have a... Kendrick Lamar's album. They said 30 seconds to Mars. Oh, yeah. I was like, 36 of Mars album coming out.

Doesn't it fuck you up? America's back, baby. Doesn't it fuck you up when you eat it though? What, Mexican pizza? Taco Bell. When you eat Taco Bell, like, three in the afternoon. Like, say you had it right now. It's like 2.30.

It would be, it would, it would put, I don't really have diarrhea. It would be a bad, bad decision. For your body, right? For my body and my day. But it's your body, your choice. My body, my choice. Not for long, though.

Yeah. We got to eat as much talk about it. As we can. As you can. Look, that's great. Yeah. We should,

we should, what could we do to solve this? Solve Roe v. Wade? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe not protest in Washington Square Park because that doesn't do shit. That's my favorite. That's the dumbest place.

The three of us, we put, let's think about this. The three of us, we put our minds together. We can impregnate people. Okay. Is there one, is there like a queen bee that we could impregnate

that like, like, like, help overturn. They can help, not, help, like, not overturn Roevyweight.

Who would it be? At Kamala is probably the most powerful woman. I was just going to say, she's the biggest woman right now. But think about who's like the most relevant. I like politician deepfakes, though. I like politician,

it feels naughtier to look at like a politician. It's either vagina. So I'll look up like, we gotta get a guy pregnant. You know what we have to do is we have to convince Joe Biden that he's pregnant. Or at least that he can get pregnant and he knows how to speak. Because we got to say, if they say men can get, isn't they like a pregnant dude of O-G-N-G-N-You-K-N? Well, okay, I'm talking about a... Traditional.

No. What's the word? cisgender. cisgender. Just gender. Getting pregnant. I think there have been dudes who have been fucked by hundreds of men and not got it pregnant

Not by us That's true We got some strong sperm Yeah yeah That's one thing I think about people fucking animals I guarantee you that there's some Enough people did it You could get an animal pregnant

Like it seems that there be something close enough to humans No, I don't think you can't I don't think enough people Fucked Chimpanzees I don't think it's happened We don't have the numbers The science is not there You don't have enough data

There's not enough data I don't know Tata. It's so funny how much I think about people fucking animals because I have a bit about it. So like every day, and I talk about the people think I fuck animals this podcast because how much I talk. It is like a daily conversation on this podcast. I mean, it was a pretty sharp left turn.

We got to fuck chimps. That's, okay, so we get a chip pregnant. Yes. Can we abort it? Is a chimp protected under the Constitution? You know what it is funny? It is funny because the people who are very against abortion would be mad about a chimpanzee.

fancy getting pregnant because they would be like this goes against what God wants. You don't need that would be Yeah But then but like a fucking orangutan is not protected again You know with any of our laws Yeah you can't you can't fucking animal without getting in trouble for it What are you talking about it's not a federally illegal

You know they have There's like brothels where you could Pay it like tens of thousands of dollars Yeah, fuck orangutangs and shit Where are they? I don't want to plan out by your office Thailand Yeah no it's another country

Indonesia. It is disgusting. All I'm saying, though, is I don't want to plan my bachelor party myself. Do you think the ragasags are going to do it? Like, do you think you'd be like, all right, no, turn over. I bet you they don't know what's going on. They have, like, a preferred position. That's also a wild risk. Like, who's brave enough?

It's a little courageous to fuck a rancetans. They can rip your dick off. So people go, they run. Yeah, but they're probably all drunk up and shit. They do the running of the bulls. I hope someone gets mauled. The fucking hook of the racquetting. I hope someone

Are you going to the fucking of the orangutans this year? I hope someone gets mauled at that Well, I'm sure, I'm sure that happens. I mean, dead. I want you're dead. I want someone dead. One arm in orangutanang is as strong as three grown men.

Which why those hand jobs are so fierce. The payoff is extreme. Dude, so good. So good. So high. I don't know. I don't know if they, do you think they jazz them up too? They put, like, lipstick and a dress on it?

They, I guarantee, they're definitely drugged up because, like you said, they're three or four times stronger than, like, a grown dude. But my thing is, how do you know the tolerance? After a while, these orangutans have to build tolerance to Xanax. And then at some point. Because they're not around long, dude. Hookers don't live longer than 26 years. You think of fucking orangutan. I love a guy panicking over killing an orangutan hooker.

He's like, she's in my trunk. We got to get rid of the evidence. We should be a taxi driver, but instead of him trying to say Jody. It's an orangutan. It's an orangutan. You want to live like this? Don't you want out? Don't you want something better?

Don't you have a family. I'm going to save you. No, you don't have to do that. You don't have to do that. That's what you want to do? That's what you want to do? I love that idea of like in India. There's a guy who falls in love.

He's like, I'm going to get you out of fear. I'm going to get you a better life. That's what I'm saying. It's a taxi driver. Yeah, just. And it's just that music. He's driving the cab. And there's an orangutan.

in like the best village. Smoking a cigarette on the corner. You're beautiful. You could have done some. Some pimps goes over and grabs it by the air. Hey, baby, I love you. You know, I will, you know where I'd be without you? We did the, yeah.

We was Jody Foster living in a taxi drive. Sorry, I love the idea of an orangutan with like breast implants. It's either the village or like Lurie Sot. Yeah. It's one of those two. I don't know why I love the idea of a ratae with like huge implants. They already got some titties. Yeah, yeah.

They need to perk them up, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, something like a push-up brawl. It is no way. They dress like a hooker. It's in high heels. It's objectively funny. Like an orangutan with like stilettos walking. Guy, I like the guy.

He's had like a nice dinner with him. Like it's an escort. Like the scene where he takes her to that cafe and she's like putting like jelly toast and just like pouring sugar on it. The bit of just the oranguts. things just like smashing shit. Eat and shoving it in those fucking throat, dude. Throwing shit at other customers.

You're a smart girl. You'll live your life like this. I love orangutans. I love orangutans, dude. I love taxi driver. Me too. That's a great movie. That movie, I was telling you, I was always like, oh, the filth and the dirt.

Yeah, that's sea. I just resonate with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what we're living in. Squalah, dude. I'm more of an orang to have. I went to the zoo this week, actually. Yeah. I went to see the snow monkeys.

There's like fucking... What zoo do you go to? Bronx Zoo? It's horrible. They get treated less good, but it's cheaper. So it's kind of your... They get treated less good, but it's cheap. It's just the truth.

It was funny because I was looking at the penguins, and part of me felt guilty, but then I was like, wait, penguins are so stupid. Like, if they're not intelligent, because they're birds. I don't know. These just things I lie to myself, but I'm like, why am I paying for a zoo? Friends are some of the most evolved creatures on. same conversation to your girlfriend, like, you know, but they're less of challenging because, you know, the birds.

We're fine, right? We're not bad people. And they're just like bashing the penguins. Get me out of you. Like orangutans like fucking up a penguin. Yeah. It's fun. Yeah, that is a tough argument. Because also in the wild it's not like a lot better because like they're getting mauled by tigers and shit. So like they do have a longer. That's more natural though.

Yeah, but natural doesn't mean better. I mean like, you know what I mean? Like naturally humans murder together. We can't we should, we shouldn't be facilitating like, you know, the food. shame. I agree. But they should at least lie to us. I think some zoos are like, oh, well, we also donate to

preserve the, you know, I don't know. I don't know. One thing I do, I do agree with the monkey jungle, and it's in the middle of Florida, or it's outside Miami. So what they do is, you're in like a cage maze, and it's a giant monkey sanctuary, and the humans are on the cages, and the monkeys are on the outside. Really? Yes, they log. It's not like a small cage. It's not even funny. They lock in the smallest cages.

It's having a raged. Yeah, yeah. Is it nuts? Dude, it was fucking awesome. Did it feel like you were in, like, a jungle? Yeah, yeah. So how it was like... Damn, I, I want to go, dude. Very cool.

So the one thing is I'm not as cool with, so the gorilla and the orangutan enclosure didn't look ideal. But they're not tiny. Like, they're not that small. True, but they're bigger creatures. They have, you know... And they're, like, wandering around.

I'm a person. I love wandering. Like, there's no way we're not related to those fucking animals. We are related. Like, scientific. I know, but when people say that we're not, like, we...

Who's saying we're not? Isn't that like what Jesus? Isn't that all of the shit? Oh, Jesus was like, we're not related to her. Love thy neighbor. We're not related to those fucking orangut. Don't these fucking religious retards not think we came from animals?

Don't they think God created people and shit like that? Yeah, yeah, they do. Well, they're retarded because like... That would be a funny thing. God's like, I'm gonna make people and then something looks really similar to them, but furrier. It would be a very odd plan. Some variety.

And they behave like us too. You see monkeys like crack their knuckles and like do like a lot of shit like just like... Oh yeah. There's a rantanans. They're addicted to cigarettes. Yeah, exactly. That's just because it's fucking awesome. That's a cool fucking orangutan.

Oh, yeah. Dude, somebody, like, dubbed it in with, like, hood rap music playing. She's like, bitch, motherfucker. You're just smoking a sick. It looks awesome. Zoom out as we're in stilettos. Yeah. She's at the corner on a west fourth.

They, um, but the monkey jungle. So you go in this maze and they have these chains and then they have a cup at the bottom of the chain and you put, like, raisins in it. And then the monkey pulls the chain up and grabs the rate. It's the most, like, exhilarating thing in the world. Dude. Fuck New York. Yeah.

Move there. Let's go to the monkey jungle. Welcome to the monkey jungle. We got cool. exhibits. What are we going to do there, though? What am I going to do in Florida? No, learn from the apes. We're going there for one reason.

You know? Singular goal. We come back. We forgot the language. We probably survived better out of here, to be honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've already done an hour, though. Is there something you guys want to promote? I'm going to be working on the script for the taxi driver

too with that range in? No, I mean, no. Nothing at all. Not taking it out of them. Watch my shit on Amazon every Friday. Oh, that is awesome. Live at fucking 10 a.m. I'm doing that.

And then there's something else. Ryan O'Toole podcast. And then I'm going to be in a commercial or some shit. So there's that. You can just follow me. Yeah, follow me at it's Ryan O'Toole. ITS. Ryan O'Toole.

Dan Man Carney Peace