Morning Good - Big Presence - Episode 280

Episode Date: August 10, 2025

Gigi Klein and Tom Zappia join the show for today's episode. They talk about Michael confronting his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend at a wedding in Michigan, his new Irish romance, and why men and women both like a fat sexual partner. Thanks to Gigi and Tom for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes and hit their links down below for more.Gigi is on Instagram @gigicomedy. Tom is on Instagram as well @tomzappia.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. Love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, you know, I'm starting. Feel like it's fucking gross. All right, we're here with Tom Zappia and Gigi Klein. And, yeah, no, like, I took a fucking week off. So I don't know what these weird foot dudes were. doing it's so funny you're so funny i get anxious saying that i'm like these weird weird not too weird guys

i still want you i still like you yeah but it is i also feel weird not telling people that also it looks like i'm pandering to them i just took a shower didn't put my shoes on but uh i'm this is not me pandering i i promise i'm not pantering at all this fucking dude but uh people think it's like yeah i don't know i i don't want to not because people always like should i take my shoes off or like keep them on and i'm always just like do whatever you're going to do because right i don't want to want to have them take their shoes off and they don't know that they're now in some guy's porn. I don't mind.

That is weird. You're always kind of in somebody's porn. I don't know. I always assume. Yeah. Well, you're, okay, your stories are also fucking, you're showing your ass on your story. Whatever sells, baby. Dude, does that translate to ticket sales? Like, two people show up when you? I don't think so, but I think I'm almost positive, no.

Have you seen her stories? Nah, I don't follow it. It's her butt. I'll show you. There's one really. like 6 p.m. 7 p.m. You can usually work for single guys who are looking to go to comedy shows. And also, the bookers see it and they're thrilled about it. Oh, really? That's great. They're not fucking gay about it. They're not

like, this is a comedy establishment. You can't be promoting. They're literally like, keep doing that. Keep doing that. They just want people there. Yeah, so whatever. If you ever see a shirtless picture of me, I want you to take a gun. It's so different. We talk about this. It's so different as a dude. It's like, as gay men and straight, you know, gay men and women have the same rules for sexualizing themselves.

Right. You're throwing a net out there. So it's like, but it's just like, straight dudes are so fucking goofy that like you can't try to be sexy. It's fucking so lame to just be like fucking. It's just to do it.

It's unless you're making fun of it or you're gay, it'll. Yeah, because if you're gay, you're like, I'm trying to launch cocks into my ass. And you're like, all right,

we know what you're doing, that's fine. But if you're straight, it's like, are you trying to be fucking cool right now? And that's the least sexy thing. Like, if I was on a date

with a guy and he was so attractive And then he, like, I go to his Instagram and there's shirtless picks. I don't know that I would go on another date with him. No, it's pretty, it's pretty like, it's gay in a straight way. But like, I wonder if this would change it. If a guy posted shirtless picture, went literally just looking for pussy right now. Like, if he did that, I would kind of love it. Yeah, no girls into that really, right?

Yeah, well, I don't think so. But would that be better than him being like, oh, my God, like, this summer is almost over? Like, you know what I mean? It's something like that. I'm ironic about it. Then it's great. Then it's great. Or like a guy posing with a car.

Oh, I hate that. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. That is insane. I never got into any of those sort of fish thing, cars. Yeah. Money. I did one with a Haitian boy.

I did one with a Haitian boy when I was 17 on my Tinder. A car thing? No, it was me holding a Haitian style. And I literally tried to get pussy with a Haitian boy. If you're doing it ironically where you're making fun of the people who do it, like the car. Oh, I was just like, all right, this is going great. I remember being in Haiti and I'm holding this kid. And I'm like, this will get me so much pussy.

I volunteer in third world countries. Did it get you any pussy? I mean, I banged chicks, but I want, yeah, guess it did. I guess a little Haitian boy got me late. And I gave him one pair of shoes. There you go, you were giving him shoes. Yeah, I am. Building huts for him.

Wait, what? Building huts for him? No, just shoes. Just taking pictures. Just take a picture. I just showed the village. Take a picture of a Haitian boy and leave. Yeah.

Thank you. Doing some volunteer work. No, I'm just here to take pigs. Do you guys want the rest of my water? Actually, you're doing volunteer. work, sorry. That's funny. Yeah, it was so fucking,

I went over for four days. It's like, I, you know, I wish, I hope I did good, but I don't, I don't know. It's like, what are you going to fix a country that keeps getting raped

by hurricanes every two years? It's like, that sucks. I don't know, it's like you want to try to do good, but you're like, in my mind, I just didn't know about self-indulgent virtue signaling back then.

So my mind, I was like, yeah, I'm going to fucking go to Haiti, talk about it all the time, take pictures thrown online, try to get pussy, be a piece of shit. And then you're like, later on you're like whoa that was fucking crazy I did that

how old were you when you did this was like 17 okay that's that's an acceptable age to be like uh unaware oh totally you know what I mean people do it at like 35 yeah yeah that is so true people are fucking dumb asses I had a teacher who went to Africa and came back and then we had a lesson on Africa like a whole Africa unit and he would just play slideshows of pictures of him with African kids and be like see I'm a great guy yeah he's like doing like pound it and like high five. He's like, the plaques love me. Yeah, literally. We had to teach like that. I remember he was a math teacher and he was just like, you guys can't say retarded in my class because my kid has Down syndrome. I adopted him from the Ukraine where they don't accept people with Down syndrome.

And he's just like going through the slides of like him and his Down syndrome son. Do you think retarded is back? I feel like it never left. You know what? I will say this. I'll say like it never left. I was always saying it. I think the first year of morning ago, I don't think I said that much. Oh, it was out for a bit. I think it's back, though. Yeah, I don't think it's like, I don't think anybody cares. I don't know. Yeah.

Sometimes I'll stay on stage and I'll hear like a, like a white girl go like, yeah. That's nice fun. Yeah, I think like, I'm very much like say, I don't know. I don't know. I think I should be allowed to say every word. But obviously I'm biased. It is like, it is really funny.

Like, I will not, like, I'll never argue with somebody who's like, you should be able to say anything. I think so too. But I also get both sides of it. Like, I'm not like, not the retardant. I mean, like, for me, it's like, I get why people are uncomfortable with the word fag. Like, I'm not, like, blown away by it. But I'm like, I think it's funny to call my friends fags.

And I don't think anything is going to make me not think that. You know what I mean? It's like, I've talked about it too. It's same with, like, the videos of people with Down syndrome. Like, you could take me to, like, a re-education camp. Right. In, like, North Korea where they're, like, hitting me in the face with, like, their butts of their guns. And they're, like, drowning, waterboarding me.

and they're going to be like, is it still funny? I'm like, that's still funny. That's what I think. I don't know. It's still funny. You're like, I'm accepting you for who you are. You accept me as to who I am in place. That'd be really funny.

So we're trying to like nicely talk to the fucking North Korean government that way. The Kim Jong-un stuff, it is like, I don't know. That's also something that's really funny to me. I know it's like terrible. But the fact that he like shoots people with rocket launchers is like hilarious. It is like a 12-year-old boy. Yeah, yeah. He's also shaped like a egg.

So it's just like funnier. He's just like this fat pudgy five foot six guy. No, he's cute. He's like a freaking Pokemon. He's like a loboo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's cute. He's like snorlax.

I bet you his fucking ass is adorable. I bet it's smaller than every, the rest of him. I haven't heard of him. Sometimes, like, guys like round men have very unround butts. Yeah, I have a really, I think I have a bad butt. People say I have a good butt. I think. Everyone says I have a gigantic ass.

You got a darn cat. Did you play hockey or anything? I played a little hockey. I played baseball. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I brought my buddy's ass up at his wedding speech a week ago.

This is me shawarning so we don't. Were the best man? No, but I was like, they wanted me to do like a speech. And by the way, I was so fucking stressed, dude. I put together as like a writer's team. Yeah. I submit jokes. I'm doing my buddy's wedding.

Yeah, dude, I remember like doing like fucking Adderall on a Sunday. And I was like, we got to fucking pull this together. And then it ended up being a fucking oak. speech, but it did well because it's like those things are fun. Was it all jokes? You did serious gay crap too? I did serious gay crap too. What was the gayest thing you said? I'm trying to... You know what? I don't even think it was

that gay. I was kind of like talking about how like, I thought the jokes were gayer because they're kind of like dad jokes. Like, you know, just like little things. I like, I brought up how like, you know, I was like, oh, you know, you may just feel like one of your friends. The one thing I brought up though is I did ask him, I was like, I'm just like terrified of marriage. And then I asked him, I was like, are you scared? And he's like,

no, I'm excited. And so I kind of brought up like stuff like that while they have a little bit of scary I know it's like the best thing for people the idea of getting married is like terror it's deeply terrifying to me well yeah it's a big commitment yeah and I just don't I mean I can't commit to fucking anything I don't know I didn't do this podcast last week you know what I'm saying was the wedding fun it was fucking crazy so it was like it was in Michigan it was a world one of emotions but it was a fucking blast so X is there new boyfriend's there I have jokes about them in my best man's speech

Oh no Yeah I was like I'm gonna fucking go for it I was like it'll be funny It wasn't even that crazy I'll tell you what it is in a second So like what happened was I show up to the church And it's crazy like I'm definitely healed for my breakup

But Okay you can laugh for you I believe you I am but that doesn't mean Thinking about it doesn't still give you Like some sort of feeling You know what I'm like So you're with that person for seven years

So like seeing my ex in a church With their boyfriend is going to be cruel Fine What happened was I see, I haven't seen her in, like, a year. And, like, you see, like, the person you thought you were going to marry in a church with the ring bearer, who's, like, a toddler. So it's just such a weird thing for your brain to, like, you're just like, what the fuck? And I was like, dude, this will be a crazy week. And I don't know if I'm going to handle this.

And then immediately we talked to, like, five minutes goes, I'm like, oh, yeah, it's just another. Like, your brain just goes, like, this wasn't meant to necessarily work out. So you're like, okay, sweet, yeah. And then the speech, I'm still nervous. nervous about because like the the bride was like what are you going to say like I can tell her she's like I think they they told me to give a speech with her wedding and then they were like oh fuck like they're like oh what did we yeah and so I think I really like did not go that hard and then but I was just nervous because she's like high strong and I'm like dude I'm gonna do jokes about my

ex or new boyfriend and then I am about to give the speech probably like an hour out and I see her new boyfriend and go up and talk to him and he's like the nicest guy in the world. Oh. And I want to say this. I had a dream about this wedding. I had a dream that the guy put me in a wrestling like arm bar and made me tap and said I sucked at wrestling. The boyfriend? Yeah, but I never met before. So I pictured a way different guy. But, um, that's such a guy dream. Oh yeah. I don't know. It's, it's, it's placed to all my insecurities. And then, and then ready, instead of people being pissed at him, they were like, how do you not know how to get out of an arm bar? Everybody was just disappointed at me. And I was like, fuck. I don't know, man. So, and then, and then, so. And I was like,

So I met him and he's like the sweetest guy in the world and he was so like dude, I don't know if it's I felt kind of like this might not be appropriate for me to be here like super understanding super cool and we made it all hit it off and I was like if you make her happy that's like you know What is your this is your friend group and she's friends with the the groom? Yeah, so as I was breaking up with my ex She became really close I mean there are there were kind of friends but like I introduced My ex to my buddy's girlfriend and then he got engaged to her and then we broke up at like the exact same time line So she's friends with hit with it with it with A little bit of him and his girl. Yeah. And then I've been friends with him.

It's like third grade. But then I'm talking to the guy. And then I was like, dude, I eventually, I have a picture of this guy putting me in a, I was like,

we should take a picture where you're putting me in a headlock. It would just be fucking funny. There's a picture of him just like put me in headlock and I'm like, ah. And then I give the speech

and the jokes about them like popped. It was like very minimal. So like, this is the friend that I made the weight loss bet with that I would lose, you know, whatever weight. Oh, yeah.

And so I just made joke. I was like, I lost a while. I wait recently. It's not because my ex is here. And I'm like, shout out, Angelina. A new boyfriend, Michael, sick name. It was just like a little... That's funny. Yeah, yeah. I was just like a little playful thing. But in my mind, I was like, you just see like all these old people and then you're talking about your buddy's ass and you're like, this is a little bit.

It's a little bit, I don't know. But it was fine. And then it was in Harper Springs, Michigan, which I thought was going to suck. It was fucking beautiful. Yeah. I don't know. I just see a picture of a small town. I'm like, what are you guys even doing? Like, fucking get like three bars. I'm in the exact same. I, yeah. They're like so beautiful, but now I'm just like, how can you just live here? My mom lives in a tiny little town in Vermont, and it's...

Vermont's beautiful. Which one? Stowe. Okay, where's that? It's like right near, yeah, it's near like smuggler's notch. Oh, smuggler's notch. Yeah, what the fuck is that? It's like a big ski hill.

It's a big ski hill. It's a big skiing. I just like can't, I'm like having this thing on my girlfriend. I'm just like, I can't see myself living there in a small town before I'm like 65. Yeah. I'll just lose it. I hope I never have to do it again. Me neither.

I never want to leave New York City. Yeah. Even with a kid. The people do become weird in those towns. Because you're just not around people. They're fucking insane. It's literally like children of the corn people. Like three teeth like, let's go out to Burt's.

There was a pub where my mom lives called Burt's Pub, which is where all the locals go. And it's one of the funniest places. Really? Everyone there, I think collectively, if you have 30 people in that room, they maybe have 33 teeth. Jesus. Wow. It's really fun. Imagine what it's like in the South.

Oh, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is fucking, it's so funny, too, because people want to, like, like, the South isn't all one thing, but some of it exists. Like, there were certain shows I've done down there, and I'm like, everybody in this room,

their brains are diarrhea. I'm like, that's what is. Oh, yeah. And I don't think that's everybody. It's like, I've fucking, dude, I have lots of smart friends from the South, but it's like, just like not all my foot followers are fucking gross perverts.

This is me in the back of my mind being like I have friends in the South listening. I just picture them just like taking their headphones off. Like I don't know why I picture it almost like you know like the detectives when they like they're listening in on something. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. We missed you.

We couldn't keep on the line long enough. That's them hearing me shit on the South. They're like, you fucking lost another one. But no, some people are fucking retarded down there. But it's like anything else. I don't know.

But it's like the, yeah, I don't know the small town thing. It's like you have like four bars. Like you don't need like fucking 30. Like I don't mind the small town as long as you got something going on. But like some you're like, Literally have...

Or have one that's open past midnight. That's my thing. It's like they close at like 11. And then it's like, okay, well, now everyone's just doing cocaine in the basement somewhere. Totally. You know what I mean? It's like there's places in fucking Tennessee has a meth problem. And you know what's really funny though to say Tennessee has a meth problem?

And I'm going to find somebody smoking meth like two blocks away. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Smoking meth right here. I think meth is just a problem. But yeah, no, it's like they have like dry counties where like you can't buy alcohol in certain days, but then there's like meth labs all over, but you're like, fucking... There's dry towns

in Jersey where I'm from. It's just like, well, it's not the whole town is dry. It's like on Sunday you can't buy alcohol or Saturday pass. Fucking Auburn's like that. I went to visit Auburn when I was in college, and they're like, yep, they can't buy alcohol after 12 on Saturday is because technically it's Sunday and you're like, it's Saturday night and a college town, like this is stupid.

Yeah, it's wild. Yeah, that's insane. Yeah, Bergen County is a, all businesses have to be closed on Sunday. Like, not even liquor, like anything. That's super annoying. And I think it's the whole county. Yeah, it's insanely. It's just like, what do you, you know? Wait, it's like, I mean, Walgreens do you

right? I think Walgreens, I think it's like some sort of, it might be, it might be liquor based like bars and liquor stores and stuff, but I think it's other stuff as well. I mean, just imagine, I don't know, just be so annoying as a restaurant being like, I can't fucking be open on this one day. Yeah, not it's insane. Because Sunday's also like a, I don't know, I love

a Sunday drinking, I don't know. I like drinking. I like day drinking. I'm drinking a course life. No. I like day drinking more than night drinking. I do, but I can't do it with comedy anymore as I drink a beer. I'm like, I'm like, yeah, you can't. This is... I don't love it as much as I think people

think I love it when they look at me. Drinking? Yeah. I don't love drinking. You look kind of like you do fucking blow. Everyone says that. Yeah, I look like I do like... And get reeled by stockbrokers. Well, one of those things is true. But yeah, I like drugs that make people more

fun to be around. I don't know that drinking is one of those drugs. It makes you depressed. If you get like two, then it is. If you're having like, 10 drinks, then you're like a liability. Yeah. I'm way better to be around when I'm drunk, though. Really? I don't drink often.

I don't, that's not true. I don't drink a lot often. So like, but if you're with me on a night, which is rare, when I'm getting banged up, because I'm depressing and bitter comic when I'm sober. If I'm drunk, it's way better. I've been told that. Yeah. You're easier to be around when you're drunk.

I like people on Molly. I want to hang out with. I never done Molly. Oh, I disagree. Really? I disagree. Yeah, well, I think it's like a mix. I think you kind of like don't.

You know what? is Molly's so funny because it's often cut with other shit. So like everybody on Molly is having a different experience. Like you go to a rave and some people are like, it's so good to see you. You're so kind and I love you. That people are just like Yeah, their jaws are just going. And like I taught with this. I got

fucking, the biggest out backlash this whole podcast is me shitting on rave culture because I was like you go to some of these raves and they're like it's all about peace, love unity and respect. I've been shitting on rave culture since it was a thing. Remember like you guys are younger than me, but like in high school everyone would go to those like fucking ultra, like that kind of

You remember that stuff? Oh, buddy. Yeah, I've been to EDC. Like, I do that shit. People I know would go that was like, you couldn't pay me to go to that. And I would just shit on it since I'm 16. Yeah,

gay as fuck. It is gay, but then you're like doing Molly and like grind it on like a big booty. You're like, well, yeah, that part's, but it's like the music. I don't like the music either.

Well, I like the music, but then you do a fucking festival. The problem with the festivals is they don't run their set list by each other. It's like, dude, I went to EDC. And it literally was like,

that's an EDC, yeah. you would hear the same song 10 times in the same day. And like, you'd hear one song 10 times and another song because the DJs aren't running their playlist by each other. They're just like, oh, I'm going to do the remix of the new Kelvin Harris song. And then I'm going to do the remix of the new Calvin Harris song. And you're like, yeah.

And then people just are so just like, it's so funny too because they're just like, dude, it's just all about like the loving environment. And then like sometimes you go to these fucking things. You're like, do you know what the water fountain is? And people are like looking at you. Like you has to fuck their mouth. And you're like, all right. You guys are just tweaking on like what you thought was Molly.

but you didn't test it, so you're very high on meth right now. Wait, did go back to, did your ex say anything after the speech? No, they were cool as fuck. I was like, thanks for being good sports. They were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it. That's good. That's the best way to do it. We're not even going to think about it.

No, they were super cool. I was saying about, like, I didn't seem to touch each other once. I was like, I think they were super, like, kind in a way. They were like, hey, let's, you know. That's sweet. That's actually nice. No, I thought it was super fucking, it was super mature and a doll. And I was like, fuck yeah.

Yeah. But I'm also like one of those things that like I think I'm trying too hard to connect with him. Like he's like a, he's like the son of like, it's almost like he's like the, I'm like the stepdad or like the. Oh, right. Yeah. He, I think we, me and him get along, but I think I am like forcing like a friendship in a really weird place. People are like, hey, don't. Yeah.

Don't push you too hard. You already like, you know, got the picture of him in the headlock. You don't have to keep fucking. Right. You don't have to keep fucking doing it. But it's also like, I don't know. I want to show up to shit. Like I don't want to like, because we used to that thing we're like, is she here?

Is he here? Okay, yeah, I'm not fucking covered. Right. Yeah, yeah. Not like I hate you. Like, I don't know. Just like discomfort. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, and this weekend was just all that at once. And then, yeah, I don't know. I took some fucking, I don't know, I took some banger wedding pictures where they're like, I don't know. I took great videos and pictures. And yeah, it was like incredible. Yeah, it was great.

And this was all braided in between my Irish romance. Okay. But the listeners don't know. I met a girl from Ireland. It'd been like, I mean, I hung out with her every single day, basically, for two weeks besides the two days I was at the wedding. Is she still here? No, she left and was really sad and I'm definitely

thinking about it, but you know. And now Michael's gonna move to Ireland. Now I'm drinking course light at 2 p.m. Do you love her? Yeah. Yeah. We did say it. I can't love her off. You guys said I love you in two weeks. You told her you love her? Are you nuts? No, it was not. Oh, wait, but that's kind of fun, that. Two weeks is nothing. It is totally nuts, but I think it was

just one of those where like, we kind of just fucking hit it off really well. Yeah. And also, if she's leaving. Fuck it. Tell her you love her. That's what I thought, too. I was like,

I don't want to not tell her. You would see her again. Like, if she was here, you had to go to Ireland. I'm going to Dublin, yeah. Oh, you're going to go visit? Yeah, yeah. Michael.

Yeah. But is it just for her? You were going to go anyway? For her. But like, you know, I'm obviously in conversation, I'm just like, no, I'm not like going across

the pond just for, I'm, you know, I mean, there's like lots of my family. You're Irish, too, aren't you? I am. Yeah. You always got to be Irish. kind of right. Well, good's not, but my dad's

redhead and my sister's redhead. And, uh, but my last name is German because like we're barely fucking, we're not even German. It's, it's, it's, we have some ancestors from Switzerland. It's like, sometimes the name just passes over. So if like the whole family is one thing and the one guy comes up and fucks, then you just, the last name just carries over. So like

my mom's dad is first generation from Ireland and her mom's first generation from Italy. So like my mom's made a name is like, oh, I think she has an O'Brien somewhere in her middle name. I think her middle name I don't even know my mom had two middle names and I don't have fucking one.

Her name's Aaron and O'Brien. O'Credon was the original name, but they took the O'O off. I don't know when she was born they had the O'O or they took it off. So when was she growing up, whatever O'Credon? Just Creighton. So you would be Michael Creeden?

Yeah, if you had the other way. Yeah, yeah. Because you got to lucky with that last name. So simple. Good. Good. It's a great name. Yeah.

And then, yeah, but I'm like, I'm also too like, like, it was funny I told him like, yeah, no, my grandpa was Irish. goes, yeah, so is everybody's. Yeah, I don't feel like a weird, like, I have no attachment to, like, any of my ancestry. Like, I think it's like, I don't know,

I think maybe it's been forced out of me as a white guy. I feel like when you're just, me, I'm in the same one. You're just like the basic boring white ones because you're like, I mean, I'm like third grandparent, I'm third or fourth generation. Like, I think my great grandparents were born in the other countries. It's kind of, it's like, you know, You're German, you're Irish, you're English, you're Italian.

Like, you're just a white guy. You're not like fucking Hispanic or like something. Half Italian, half Irish. So it's just like everyone is that. Yeah. Do you feel attached to your Jewish heritage? You're heaped out? Yeah.

The Russia Shem, bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Do I feel attached to my, no, but I feel attached to the Jews. Does that make sense? That sounds like the same. You're full. I don't want anyone to hurting them, but also like.

Jewish is like, I feel like inevitably you just feel that because it's like a religion and in ethnicity and kind of like a culture. Yeah. Like, you're full? Or on your mom's side at least? No, full. Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got to feel it. You gotta feel some of that, yeah. That was, I was like, I was like, she was really cool. Sorry to catch up.

It's so funny being like, she never seen a Hasidic person before. And if you walk that way, it's all acidic. Who hasn't? The Irish lady. Oh, yeah. And so I was like, let's go two blocks.

Dude, I drove through. I was like, yeah, literally just, you'll see. I was really driving here at my girlfriend and we're just like looking at the Hasidic Walk around. I'm like, I can't believe this is still like a neighborhood in 2025. It's like there's just like why are there, why is there an homage population in New York? You know what I mean?

Like it's like it's really like. I love the hats though, the big ones. Oh, the furry ones. Yeah, they're cool. But you were saying. Oh, I don't know. I forgot. No.

Yeah. I'm a little retardant. Well, because I think like it's a thing too where it's like with certain people like especially, I think with black and Jewish people especially, it's like I do respect what people have been through like as far. There's like shitty stuff. Yeah. So I'm like, I get why that would be a part of your culture identity.

Right. But I'm like also the special part about being a person is like your person's never been born before. So I think some people get like way too. Yeah. Into their thing. And I'm like,

I get the, like I respect like all this shit where it's like, oh, you've gone through all this and that's part of who you are. But there's also an amazing part of you that's an individual, which is sick too. Yeah. And it's also some people like,

my grandpa was like this where it's like, if someone was Jewish, they could do no wrong. Like it could be like, this person murdered six people, but he's Jewish. Oh, that's my dad with Italians. Yeah, and you're like, okay, like that is crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy. I love it. I just like the funniness of it because I'd like, like, whatever, have a friend or whatever growing up or like, I'd be like, if my dad would be like, where are you going? I'm like, I'm going to Mike's house. He's like, what's his last name? He just wants to see if he's Italian or not.

Oh, really? He would do that all the time, yeah. Yeah. I will say this. This is maybe a hot take. I went on a date with a very Jewish man recently. I don't think I can do that. What do you mean?

like Hasidic? No, well, no. Just very religious. Just very, yeah, very religious. I thought so much, I was so just like, I don't want to talk about the war. And I thought you're really. She's like, hot take fucking Merth, those Palestinian kids. I was like, oh, fuck, are we doing this like every other podcast?

But that is interesting. So, like, he was very religious and also very, like, culture. Like, he was just very Jewish and every, every way. That turned you off? And it was a little bit like, like, like dating a family member, baby? Yeah, and also just like, oh, like, I don't want to date anyone who, like, was raised the same as me. Does that make sense? Is that crazy? No. I get it, but I feel differently, but I get it.

Like, he was talking about everything that, like, like, we were, like, bonding over Shabbat. And it was like, okay, like, this is such a boring conversation. I wonder if he would do that with a non-Jewish girl, though. Yeah. He might have been trying to, like, lower you. Oh, yeah. Every guy on a date is just like, all right, we got a fucking holster of topics. Yeah. And it's like a Pez dispenser.

You're like running fucking low. Yeah. I know what you mean though because you're Jewish culturally, but you're obviously not like religious and he's like a little bit more into it. Yeah. Because I'm like that too like where I didn't want to like if I would go out with someone and they're like super hardcore regardless of what they are but like very like

practicing and talking about it. I'd just be kind of like a little. It's a turn on. It's because you're not that religious. Yeah. Like it's not as important to you. Well I think for me too if somebody is like I could probably date somebody. I don't know if I could date somebody who's like a Christian.

Like I don't know. It's like, to me, I just can sound shady, but it's like, I could probably could, but like somebody that's like devout to something. I'm just like, devout, yeah. You don't know anything. It's like, somebody that's just like so by the books and like doesn't have critical thinking skills. It piss me off. Like, you can be a Christian and have critical thinking. Excuse me a Jew or a Muslim.

I'm in that. Oh, yeah. My girlfriend is Muslim. I mean, she's not like, she's like critical things. Like she's not like practicing like the Torah. I mean the Torah, wow. The Quran and like the, and whatever. and celebrating like her parents

were celebrating like her parents would celebrate the holiday and stuff but she's very like down 11 and stuff yeah 9 11 he's six so dumb no definitely she'd know they did it um but like you know

and like uh she literally is like she like puts up Christmas tree she like doesn't like she doesn't give a fuck yeah yeah well that's yeah that's the thing too is like I think for me it's like if somebody's like oh I like the good parts of this book and I like I throw out some of the bad well I make that makes sense but the people that would just be like

it's fucking you know this or you know what I mean it's like I don't know it's like Ben Shapiro yeah I could not have been Chappearer I don't think I could either I'm trying to think of a super Christian one too

but Mike Pence probably but oh I don't know though because then you bring up like Candace Owens and I'm like oh she's so fucking hot you're in the Kansas Owens I'm so attracted to her I like her she's got

she's good looking she's beautiful and she's so like she's such an Uncle Tom though yeah I don't know like how to respond to that but well just like the

of her you ever see her husband he looks like he looks like Jared Kushner it's just like the whitest most British guy you've ever seen but I think to me I'd go to date Canisotos but like right now I'm thinking about it I'm like damn I'm getting too horny thinking about Canna's I think of her you like

Because you're in everything you just told Girl straight from Ireland that you love her You like black but like you like everything I know from your background Yeah I agree on that Wait you would you say I like black people Yeah he said again no girl but like Girl like for when it comes to girls in sex

Like I know you'll go down any road, I think, from what I can tell. I'm like that too, except for a road that I know too well. Like, I don't think I could ever honestly, yeah, like that date with that guy was very much like, I don't know why I was so turned off, but it was almost like we're too similar. Like it was, I don't want to fuck someone who's like me. Interesting. See, I'm the opposite. I do, sometimes I've gone on dates of people that are like just like me and I do like it a lot. But I also like, like I love this woman's accent. I loved all that. Like, it was incredibly endearing. I made a joke, I will say this,

she did sound like, I made a joke, she says me, like I said to my, and she got paid by miscue, and she goes, he bit me leg. And I'm like,

I told her, I'm like, you have to understand that you sound like a pirate. Right now. They do say that. Bit me leg. And I was just like,

but then I like getting roasted for my accent. She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did she say mate and cheers? And what else do they say?

They say mate instead of like friend. Me mate? Yeah. Or me lad. They just have phrases for everything. They're like, she's like, you lie like a rug. You lie like a rug. Yeah, yeah.

I actually say that sometimes. I dated a guy from Liverpool for months, and I think the only reason was because he had a really charming accent. And, like, every time he talked, I was just like, oh, my God. Really? Yeah. I love. The British accent is like, I think it's parts of Britain. Like, wherever Patty the Batty's from, like, his is so heavy that I can't really understand what he's saying all the time.

It takes me, I'm not into it. Oh, you don't like that. I like that. Well, I mean, that would be guy on guy, but like just like, the more light one, maybe like London where it's like kind of just like a little bit of an accent. Also, I like that you said that you're like, that would be guy and guy. You didn't say like, I'm not attracted to Ben. You're like, technically that would be against the rules.

Technically it's not something. Which, by the way, cool with it, but just important to that. Not in my wheelhouse. No, I mean, I would. I never dated a British girl. I never dated someone with like a super heavy accent, I guess. Because we were talking about that, not even international, but like, you know, you think a heavy, silly accent.

Boston or Australia. I took like Australia girls and I was just like, I can't really like understand what you're saying sometimes. Yeah. Well, yeah. And I think for me, I will say this, I did go on a day with an Italian woman one time. And I was kind of like. Wait, from Italy?

Yes. I seemed like she was lost. Like, she's just like, and then I go to the place. And I'm like, and I'm like, are you okay? And then you're trying to fuck this person. Like, this feels kind of rapy because like, you know what's like, I mean, she was like 46 or It's like, wow. That kind of evened out where I was like, okay, this is not like a...

But like, mentally, you're like this person's struggling to speak my language. There's some vulnerability there that I'm not attracted to. I feel like I'm alone. And then I take the paper and they what there? This what are you think? What funniest accent to make fun of Italian? It's like, I don't know why. Dude, my favorite...

I'm Italian. I'm supposed to be offended. I'm like, when people do the... Oh, I can look at it. And they do that. I'm like, it's the funniest thing of all the time. Oh, yeah. Well, because it's like, well, the funniest when I ever saw was, I saw an Italian

homeless guy in New York one time. I guess, I'm like, I'm a quarter, I have no money. And I'm like, this is just too funny, dude.

I saw what, it's funny too because I'm like, you know, like my mom's, so as in my mom's dad is, was an O creed

and then my mom's mom is putting he on. So like there's like, her mom's straight, like her grandpa's straight from Italy. But somebody posted some video with her like, these Italian guys,

like, yeah, you know, it's like okay to make fun of a, Italian guys now and I was like not cool. And I just go right on and I'm like, I just commented like, I think I was like, sorry, I turned the volume down because these people are normally very loud.

I didn't hear what they said, but what are these noodle slurping marinerer monkey say? I was like, but it's just so funny because it's like, it's just, I don't know, it's like anything else where you're like, yeah, I don't know. It's a funny accent, but I have, like, I have like the most douchebag accent on the planet. I think I talk like a giant douche, but. worse. I've heard worse. It sounds like an accent though. Like what accent would it be?

Just like a Florida beach. I don't know. Like, I guess... I feel like I can only tell an accent if it's like obviously like that region. Like yours isn't... I mean, I guess parts of Florida have more like that southern twang to it, but then you're from like Orlando where I feel like it's more a little like not as country so it doesn't come out as much.

Because people say have a Jersey accent, like a heavy jersey accent. I'm like, but what is a Jersey accent? And I tried not to sound like it. It's not like Brooklyn because you know. Brooklyn where it's like, you know, the R's and the whatever else. I love that accent. I feel like other accents are like a mesh. So yours might be like a mesh of Florida mixed with bro or

whatever. Yeah, no, I think that's what it's because I do say y'all and stuff like that. Okay. But it's like, it's like very, yeah, it's like pretty, I definitely don't think I have a southern accent, but I think it's like, I guess no, no, I guess it's also not a Florida accent. It's like a, like, like, would you say a valley girl accent if you're not

from the valley is an accent? Like you, you just say you have a dialect. You know what I mean? Like a, like a, like a subculture talk. Valley Girl is brutal. Yeah. We just heard a girl in our neighborhood this morning. My girl was like yelling about it. I was like, how old girls talking like that? I'm like, I don't know.

Valley Girl. I think I'm just horny today. I think I'm like now I'm like, Valley Girl is hot. I'm like, I think I just Well, they're also like the stereotypical hot looking like if you have a Valley accent there, it's usually hot, right? Yeah, I'm picturing now an ugly girl that accent. It's not lining up. I'm just not. Yeah, you can't. Toronto too. I mean Toronto. Toronto. Toronto accent? Buddy and a buddy in A.

Yeah. And when I'm around people from Canada, I'll just, I'll find myself doing it. You ever do that? You start to talk like them if you're hanging out. Just start talking like an Irish person. It's fucking insane. I'm starting to sound more New York, which I'm so proud about. There you go.

Yeah. One of my friends had a real bad problem with it, though. He would like coach the Max, where he literally would say, my friend in like the bodega in your like, you can't be doing that. This is insane. Okay. I feel like I've done that with like not knowing. I have like a tick a little bit where like whenever I hear songs, I want to sing along.

But if I'm in like a Indian resident. restaurant and they're playing like, I start singing. And then everyone looks at me like, I'm a fucking asshole. And I'm like, I don't know the song. I don't know the song.

Yeah. I'm just making up what sounds like the Indian song to me. And I'm having a good time. I do that sometimes if I'm trying to like talk to a Spanish person in Spanish. Like they can't speak English and I'm trying to speak a little Spanish to them. And I'll put like a hey, like a little Spanish thing on it.

Because like talking as a white English like in Spanish just basic is like so hard to understand for them. I can do like a little bit like if like like like like very yeah you're not conversational or anything but it's just from working conversational it's just from working with Mexicans for years like that's how you pick it up then the dialects and the in the the slang and stuff yeah yeah well that was the funniest scene there's like uh what was it fucking uh you were seeing strange wilderness this guy goes up to like a Mexican person and he starts speaking like the most broke he's like eh and we are uh here to get the day and it's like he's just

speaking like a South Central Cali Cholo accent to like a Mexican person That's what like comics are and they make fun like the Mexican accent yeah they just

sound like a Cholo Yeah Yeah yeah What do you think the worst Like the most attractive and the least attractive accents are People are gonna think this is weird

Russian's not attractive to me I agree with that actually Yeah it's scary Not Yeah why people think it is I think some people think it really I'm gonna have sexy accents Yeah but to me I'm like

Oh yeah For one, it's like, I'm not, I don't know, I'm like, I don't love, I got an issue with this with porn. Like, it is, like, I don't know, it's like a lot of porn where like, I like both things are like the man being down, the woman being dominant. But sometimes, like, I like the woman being dominant. And it's like, a lot of that, it will be like a Russian lady. And I'm like, it really turns me off to hear it. She's like, you're, what the fuck is it? Yeah, it's a little like, dog.

You don't know the language. Like, you know what I mean? You're speaking, like, in your mind, you're having to do math right now. So you're not, like, you know what I mean? Like, you're trying hard. You're not really, yeah. You're like, get me a good American to peg this man, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's bothered. It really, like, deeply bothers me. But you also can't, like, you can't search that in porn. You can't search, like, American only. You can search the other way you search, like, British or Irish. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I feel, because I feel like everyone thinks, like, the Hispanic, accents are like sexy like Columbia or whatever Brazil or I'm kind of indifferent with I mean I'm indifferent with all accents that's what I was saying I was like not to say that like British or whatever is like turn off but I'm kind of just like it doesn't like I kind of just like no accent is sexier than another one to me I would say except for like Boston and Philly you're probably at the bottom of the list but like international like I can't like even like a like I don't know I'm trying to think other than like Europe and Australia but even like I never heard someone from like really Sweden or like Northern.

Europe talk, but it's probably like nice sounding. The Dutch accent. Dutch, yeah. It's not nice. It's awful. Like, oh, really? She's being confusing. I go to the bar the other night and she's like, oh my God, this Dutch guy is like amazing. Isn't he dreaming? I'm like, fuck yeah. I get that dick girl. I'm just a gay, I'm a gay boy.

You get that shit, girl. Well, girl, I think we said that girls are way more into accents than guys. Like, we don't really care, right? Yeah, yeah, I don't mean. But I think I was attracted to the Irish accent a lot. But I think it's because if you like somebody a lot. Yeah, you just like, what they sound like.

Yeah, yeah. I think also girls are just more like mental. Everything is mental. The way you sound, Matt, oh my God, it matters so much to a girl. Where I think maybe do a guy in hers. Yeah.

Like, I think I'm a not shallow guy. And I think even at that level, I'm so fucking shallow where I'm like, today's smoky. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, if you're not hot,

like, it doesn't mean I won't, I'll fuck people that are definitely not hot. But it's like, in my mind, it's like, wait, back up. That I, don't understand. Because girls will do that. Really good.

Why would you fuck someone who's not hot? Because I fuck my hand and it looks like a squid made out of plastic. Yeah, but you're thinking of someone hot. And you're acting like you can't do the same thing when fucking somebody. That's horrible.

Yeah. That's horrible. Well, not really. Well, to me it's like, I would say this. Like, I have a really weird range of what I think is hot. Like, I think I have. Yeah, he's got the biggest range you ever heard of. Yeah.

It's like I, fat chicks, old ladies. I like think it's all hot. Right. But I don't think that like, it's not for the record. Yeah. But certain things are like, I don't know, it's like I'm not like,

but then if you catch me on like a Friday night, I'm going to be the pickiest motherfucker and be like, no, thank you. Yeah. You see me on Hinge and I'm like, no. Yeah,

absolutely. It's like certain things. Yeah. And it's like if it's a, also if it's like a, if it's in the middle of, like if it's fucking like 2 a.m. I'm out of a bar.

Then I'm like, I'll fuck fucking most. Yeah, because you're influenced. you're drunk, like you have other things going into it. If you're sober on a Wednesday, swiping on the thing, you're going to actually look at the photo. You say that though, but if it's like field and like a woman's just like,

hey, come over to my apartment and fuck me. I'm like, the, I guess it's all more time commitment stuff. I'm like, if it's not going to be time and money, then I will have sex with anything. Base, not anything, but like. Well, definitely the time and money thing because that's only coming from the girls' side. Like, you don't have guys, girls looking at guys,

they don't have to worry about the time and money. We had to worry about that. So we're taking more into account. Yes. That's true. Yeah. So, but like for the last two weeks,

as I said, like I hung out with like one person. I was like, oh, I'm going to spend all the, like, you know what I mean? It's like,

right. Yeah. But it's like if I was just like, bored. Like, I've definitely done like fucking just fuck some girl in the middle of the day

because I have like nothing going on. I'm like, yeah. See, I never done that. But then so as a girl, how do you know if he thinks you're hot or if he's just fucking you?

Because he wants to fuck a body. Brods know if they're hot or not. I know. I don't think they're dumb bitches, man. I just love you saying broad. I don't think they do. I said broad, sorry. No.

Oh, I don't get, I'm just fucking with you. They don't know. Like, well, because, like, let's take Mike, for example, because he likes, once in a while, like a bigger lady who said this. Sure. Yeah. If you're, if you're obviously large lady, you have to know that, whatever, like, generally speaking, you're not attractive to most guys.

And then you find yourself banging out Mike one day. And you have to be like, I wonder if you, actually thinks I'm good looking or is he just looking to like bang me because he's horny. Yeah, that's got really confusing. Yeah, she might not know that in that moment. She probably doesn't. She definitely doesn't. But my thing too is I'm also like, I'm saying

everything is a blanket thing. I'm like, hey look, like, I'm telling, I tell everybody, like, I'm not looking for a relationship. Like, this might just be a one-time thing. Right. Sure. And that's just what it is. So I think it's like, you're getting into that, knowing that. It's like, by the way, same fucking thing with women, though. She might just be like trying to get over her ex and

fuck me for that reason. But it definitely is a thing. She'll never do that with an ugly guy. What are you talking about? Women will fuck the ugliest guys. I don't think women will fuck a guy they think is ugly. Yes, they will. Physically, he might be ugly objectively to the regular person, but there's one component about him as attractive, then she'll do it.

And that's the same way. That's the exact same with, I will not fuck people that I'm absolutely not attracted to. Okay. But what I'm saying? There has to be something about them. Yeah. So what's the thing about the fat chicks? What's the attractive thing about them?

You have a big presence. I'm not even kidding. It's like there's, you have a big presence, there's something kind of like, I'm like, damn. Yeah, damn. Yeah. I'm like, damn. That's great for a faction. You're like, got to.

It's a great slogan for Benham. Damn. She's got so about it. Damn. What was the fucking trap thing? It was like, damn, son, where'd you find this? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that doesn't drop forever.

Dude, I love doing those. This is a certified hood classic. The worst thing about the apps, I remember when I was on the apps, like when I first moved to New York, is the. And then taking them a little. too seriously where you're really only trying to swipe on someone who you think looks attractive in the photo. Yeah. And then you go on a date with one and you're looking at the photos like before the date and you're

like, yeah, she looks alright. She looks kind of good. She looks all right. And then you just get them in person. It's like, it's just something with the photo or the angles is like you, they immediately look a little bit different when you see them in person and you're just like, because you know, within five seconds if you want to, you know, bang them or not or whatever. Yeah.

And it's just like. But that's how shallow we are. But I think most guys are. And then you go back home and you look at the photos again. You're like, why did she look different in person? and then you kind of like slowly realize angles and whatever else. And it's just like because there's nothing worse than showing up in person and they don't exactly look like they're in the photos. When I used to be like, all right, well, I don't want to be rude.

So I guess I'm going to have sexist woman. Yeah. See, you would do that. I would be like my mom just fell down a well and I would leave. Yeah, I would take for a year and a half, I have them to do that. Like three months out of the breakup, I would just do that. And then I was like, oh, this is actually wrong because the person for me, I should not rape myself. If I don't want to fuck somebody, I shouldn't just fucking do it.

This is non-consensual with myself. I think it's better to be like my mom fell down the well. No, totally. And now I do that. But three months out of my break, I just didn't know. I wasn't single for seven years. I'd know I didn't know. And then I'm like, I'll show up on the day and be like, nope.

And then I'll be like, yeah. But I think like, yeah, there's something about the person that's attracted. I'm not going to fuck somebody I'm not attracted to. But I think my range is just all over the place. And then I think like, but it's like on the dating apps. I'm like super fucking. fucking picky now because I'm just like, this is my time and energy and money, so it's like I'm not like

That's the thing with the apps. It's kind of just like, yeah, time and then you got to you gotta take them on a date, you're spending at least whatever, at least getting a drink or whatever. Yeah, it's kind of just like a lot of effort. Yeah, I'm drinking like 17, she's out of like one beer and I'm like this has been fun, right?

But also it's like Hinge is so funny too because like I didn't know this until somebody explains me. The more people you reject the more boost you up. Is that right? Yeah, it's crazy. So, like, if you literally just don't look at it and just fucking do that shit, it'll fucking make you the sexiest man on there. Yeah, it's kind of a...

That's interesting. Yeah. Because I used to be like, I used to go the other way where I'll just swipe a bunch of them, like, I'll go through these later and figure it out. But then they were like, they made all these rules with like, oh, you can only have this many chats open at the same time. That's the fucking worst. What is that? That's so annoying.

It's like, I don't know. Maybe I don't want to decide. Maybe like a month from now I'll get lonely and then go down this list and be like, why did we ever stop talking? What happened? What happened to you? Yeah. Yeah. You know, this is a really fucked up thought.

I wouldn't have women have. Okay. Sometimes you'll see a girl walking with a guy and she's really hot and she'll be in a relationship and you'll be like, you should totally leave him. Like in your mind you're like, I have this thought all the time. And it's so funny to do because like I'm not even going to date you. But at the other one of mine, I'm like, you should leave him. We should have sex like twice.

Yeah. It's so psychotic. Everyone has that thought. Yeah, you're like, it's really just holding you back. I don't know why. Almost every day. Yeah. And you haven't even had a discussion with the person.

You're like, what are you doing? What are you doing? You're in love with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're love with that, bitch. Yeah. Also, this is a crazy thing my sister explained to me.

There's a thing called ex-goggles where you see whoever your ex is with and you see them as super attractive. Like, I thought my ex's new boyfriend looked incredibly handsome. Apparently there's a thing where your brain just... Maybe he is, but like, my sister explained that someone has happened to the ex.

I've never heard of that. That's interesting. So if your ex got with a new girl, your brain would immediately see her as hot. Do you think that's true? I mean, it's happened to me, so I hope that's true. And I hope she's not actually hot.

and that that's all that that was. Yeah. Yeah. It's wild. It's like a brain trick that you just like, you feel threatened. So like you're, yeah, you're like, I like them kind of act like there's a science to this. This is just a theory. No, but I like this theory because it benefits me.

Interesante. Yeah, they're probably a bunch of ugos. So like you as a person, do you, like, he was asking this, like, do you, do you see yourself as an attractive person? This is not, this is how this sounds like one of those fucking male sphere podcast. Do you see yourself? It's like, I think, I think, I think you're. very cute. Thank you.

Like, genuinely. But like, do you like in your, like, do you? I honestly, genuinely, uh, when I wake up in the morning, that's not how I see myself. No. That's so, like, when I was fat as shit, I'd be like, look that fucking handsome ass on the fucking dude.

When people, that's just, you're, you had that personality. Like, yeah, I just, yeah, no, it's never been a. That's so funny. Yeah. I think I told you guys that where I, I think that's why I do stand up. Like, I think if I really thought I was beautiful,

I probably wouldn't be on stage with a microphone. I don't know, because a lot of girl comics, do it and they also think they're beautiful. That's why they do it. Yeah, yeah. But is that real, you think? I don't know. Sometimes. It's really fun. I always say, what is really funny when a woman who, like, nobody thinks is attractive just plays the hot girl

card and you're like, you know, like, like, okay. I'll say this, I feel like I don't see them. What's up? I said there needs to be more of those because I feel like I don't see them. Well, there's like the mini, look, I never thought Minnie, what's her name is? Who? Cameling or whatever? Minim Mouse? The Indie Girl Mears? Yeah.

She had this, like, thing where, like, I remember she had the TV show, the Mindy product. She's like, she's hot. She's, you know, like, this is not fucking hot. Oh, yeah, no. And I'm into India women, but I'm like, this is just not a hot woman. Right. I think you get a big head, too, or you get some followers or whatever.

Even if you're not the hottest chick. You feel. You think, like, yeah, you're popping. Like, I think Amy Schumer thinks she's hot. And you're like, you're not hot. When she started, I think she had, I'm like, literally she looks like Miss Piggy, like, literally. Yeah, no, she died. And I like, and I like, and it's just, I'm just like.

She would play like that. But also her whole act was about, like, oh, it was this guy, this guy, it was just like... Yeah, then she's having, like, John Cena plower out of a movie. We're like, yeah, sure. Well, actually, you know what? I will say this. He does, like, fucking fat chick. He does he?

But, yeah, he has a whole thing about it all. I love... That's my favorite clip ever. He's on Howard... Sturran, and I've seen that clip. Yeah, he's like, yeah, no, I like... I've, you know, recently breached the 200 or 300... 300.

300. Wow. Wow. Yeah. And I just have no interest in. Like him so much more. Totally. That's so cool.

Yeah. Yeah, there's some girl comments who are the only person insulting me when I lost away. She's like, Michael, this is gross. I was a little bit like it. Like, why? I'm always fascinated when a hot chick is with, not fascinated. It's common, actually, like a hot chick's with a fat dude or like an overweight dude. Because it's a masculine attribute a lot of the times.

Like, like, even just being figured. Yeah, throw your fucking weight around, buddy. Like, mm, yeah. Yeah. I like it. Well, I think it's like, it depends. Like, it's like there's a degree to both sides of it where it's like more No, actually, I don't know, sometimes I'll see a morbidly obese chicken, like, kind of hot sometimes.

No, I can't do. Horribly fat men. I like thick. Like, I'm into thick, but, like, to me, and I can see it, there's, like, a little fine line between thick and, like, obese, like, morbidly obese. And I can see the tick, and I'm just like, no. But, like, I want fucking things come out, the nose, little breathing apparatus. Like, are you a scooter? Not kidding.

Their thighs have, like, multiple layers to them. Yeah. No. There's just seven vaginas on her leg. Seven vaginas. I'm going to take my time with each of them because I'm a lover. No, I don't know. It's like, yeah, I think more really obese and gross.

So you see like a really fat woman. You're like, damn. But there's got to be other things that like, I think you were saying you like missing teeth sometimes, right? Yeah. I've heard you say that. Yeah. I like like a man who could pop, I dated a guy, a hockey player who could pop his teeth in

and out. That's every hockey player, yeah. She's kind of talking about a guy with Down syndrome a little bit. She's like he's kind of like fat, kind of like missing teeth. Missing teeth. His eyes are a little weird, like a little off, but beautiful. Well, you're from Toronto? Yeah. They probably have a lot of guys like that, like bigger guys with missing teeth because it's like...

Well, I would... Canada's more like blue collar and like hockey everyone plays. Oh, hockey. I did... I loved hockey players. Hockey players are really fun. They're fun. They're like comics. Hockey players are like exactly like comics except they're... Most of them are idiots, too. Yeah, like that's what I mean. She's about to put down comics, sorry? Except they're hot. No, I was going to say, like, they can play hockey.

Yeah. That's it. Yeah, I think it's like... Yeah, that's like a girlfriend, though, because if you saw a girl pop out a tooth on a date, you would take a hike, wouldn't you? She pulls out all fucking 20. I probably would.

I think maybe that's what I find so sexy about it, is it's so, like, uniquely masculine. Like, to me, like... That's the same of the fatness. It's like, that's a guy who doesn't care that he's gaining... Yeah. It's kind of feminine for a guy...

And it's also like, oh, now I feel smaller? Oh, no. Like, oh, you're huge, and you make me feel tiny? I think that's one cycle. I think there's a part where I feel kind of like a little bitch. Yeah. Like, yeah. Yeah.

What about the girls? The whole, because the whole story about the girls where it's like they like that like sexy model looking soccer player with a six pack. Nope. Which I feel like it isn't as common, but I think it is still a thing. I don't think most girls, I think everyone can recognize they're sexy, but like I see someone like that and I don't want to fuck them. Yeah, I think to some women that looks like a little boy, to some woman that looks like

Abraham Lincoln, they just both probably have different perceptions on what that is. Yeah. It's like objectively, like, like, actually, like, actually, like, Actors are famous athletes or whoever who were like all known to like objectively be like hot like whatever. A Brad Pitt or like a, that's an actor example. And then who's that soccer player? He's like a twink though. He's like a different.

A twink is the, that's the different thing. He just looks like a regular guy to me though. I mean, he's stunning. Oh, yeah, I think that's fucking hot dude. Yeah. But then what about like that soccer player that everyone is like supposed to be gorgeous? Well, she probably wouldn't be in a shalomey. Like a big shalmy.

Oh, I would. He looks ill. Yeah. I'm sure he. But then some girls are into that like kind of like twinky like boy girls. about him is he has like a good personality Timothy Shalame it seems like same with Pete Davidson like they're like Twinkie but like they have good

personality well so everyone wants to shoot on Timothy Shalmay because he dates the Kardashian girl but he's like so cool and like in like yes and like that's like the only bet and negative thing about him and he just I mean she's hot as hell but he's like she seems cool too like yeah what's wrong with her she's whatever she's bad by association because he's just like associated

with that she's in that family but yeah he seems like the man I think I'm me too but then girls are into that like twink like wear super long shorts that are pants like fashion He's still kind of like buy guy. I guess some girls are. Yeah, yeah. What about Pete?

Because Pete's like objectively hideous, isn't he? But he's got like a piece and he's funny. I don't think he's that ugly, to be honest. I think that's the one thing I do not cover it. That's the ugliest look at dude I've seen in my life. Pete is he looks disgusting. I think in most instances once in a while you can catch him looking decent. But I feel like for the most part he's got the big eyes.

He's pale. You know, he's kind of like always looks like he's on drugs. Yeah, kind of like rat. And he's disgusting. He'll never be in the morning good podcast ever. No matter how hard he tries. Are you serious? Has he been trying?

Pete Davidson, we want you on the show. It's not, show me your girlfriend's tits and he fucking, yeah. He's having a kid. He's having a kid. He's having a baby. That's how, I feel so old when I thought so old when I thought of my mom. His chick is some hot British model, I think. Yeah.

But that's like his, you know, 58th. Me and him, man, just fucking shooting come across the pod. There you go. Two, two the same, same guy. But yeah. Yeah, no, I don't know. It's been a weird, it's a weird fucking 24. I mean, she left at like six and.

This morning. You got stayed up all night? Yeah, of course. Telling each other you love each other? Yeah, of course, yeah. Wow. So what was the last word? Atop of the Ferris wheel at Coney Island when the fireworks are going off?

Oh, I should have gotten taken a photo of that. That would have been beautiful. Oh, you should see how retarded we look trying to take photos every two seconds of it. So how did leave? Was she sad, like, come to Dublin? Of course, yeah. We cried all night. Yeah, I'm in love with this woman.

You met her. You're in love with her? You met her 13 days ago? Yeah. But I also explained, like, I'm not a relationship guy. I'm like, it's going to be tough. I'm like, look, you're gonna, maybe in a month from now, you're a clip of me talking about getting my butthole like,

this is just what I am. But like, if you saw her and spent like a month with her, you think you'd like be with her long term? If you lived in the same city? Like that's how legit it was over two weeks? I think I'm just not, I don't know, I'm just not in a relationship thing, but if I was into relationships,

I would date this person, but I'm just not in. You would date them long term? I mean long term, long distance? No, because I don't think that necessarily works. I don't know. I don't know. I have no idea. I have no idea.

No, I just, I can't believe I love you. It's also a thing too where it's like, people don't like, people don't understand where I'm coming from with places. She was like, you do that for seven years.

My brain should just so overtly to it. It's like, it's like, that's true. I'm like coming from a completely different space. Like, I'm with my girl now. You literally would have to put a gun to my head. Seven years is crazy. Do you think you'll ever like re?

For sure. I just have crazy backlash with it. Yeah. In my mind, I'm like, yeah, I mean, seven years is insane. Like, I'm going to marry my girl, but she's already now, by a long stretch my longest term relationship ever.

Seven years. Two and a half years. Before her, I was never with a girl for longer than literally like six months. Five, six months. Well, that's also the thing too where people are like, oh, well, they're like two weeks. You're going to be loved with somebody. I'm like, well, no, I've done it for seven. I was like, I know what this thing is.

Yeah, that's true. And I've seen both. And that's it. You feel it already. Yeah, but I think it's also like there's different. As far as I know, yeah, it seems like the same thing, but just in a different. Like, because also like when you, if you've known somebody for two weeks and you hang out for, I mean, I would say hours and hours. Like that whole time it was like a fucking 50 hours.

It's like how many dates is it? It's like 50. Yeah. It's not 50 dates. I guess it's like 10 days. No, but it's definitely like, yeah. Yeah, you just compressed it all into one. But it's also like it is a different thing than a seven year relationship.

It's like you, there's different emotions and different. Wait, what ages were you in your seven year relationship? 19 to 26. Yeah. Wow. It's a big phase of your life. Yeah. Well, that's why I went fucking, like, wild.

I'm like, I'm making up for fucking lost time. And I think it's too. It's like, I don't know. I don't think like, yeah, I don't know. Just the idea of I don't like obligation. I don't like rules. I'm like, I wouldn't have fucking met this girl if I was in a relationship. You know what I mean?

So that's kind of the thing too where you're like, look, yeah, it's like, everybody's like, oh, relationship's great. But I'm like, and they are. But I'm like, I respect it. Like, I like that I woke up today and whatever the fuck I wanted. It is so nice. It is so nice. Yeah. none of that world.

Damn. Yeah, well, yeah, it sucks for you. I'm just kidding. It does. But if it is... Yeah,

but you have someone to go home to, that's nice too. Yeah, she also says the shit and she doesn't give a fuck. Now, you gotta just microdose relationships

every come up. That's what I'm trying to do. No, I think, that's really what I'm trying to do. I would have been, I would have done that. Yeah, I'm trying to do like

three months on, three months off, three months off. That's very rare for a girl, so that's sick. No girls trying to start to like, oh, that would not be a terrible schedule. It was like, hey, three months.

That's free. Awesome. Yeah. And then I go travel. Come back. Yeah. Well, I think there's a thing, too, that's like, when you're single, I think there's something really special about hanging out.

Somebody because you're like, we both could be literally anywhere in the world, but we're choosing to be here right now. Yeah. Versus when you have a lease and you're like, it's Thursday, Mexican night. Yeah. And fuck. I don't want to be. We're not.

In five years. Yeah. And we haven't fucked in a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, go. I hope my girl doesn't watch this. Love you this. Yeah.

Dude, I hope my leprechaun doesn't watch this. Oh, I don't know. It's just, it is what it is too. It's like, I have to be like so upfront about like, yeah, I can't let. I don't know. You can't, you got to be like just podcasting so hard in that sense where you're like, you're just saying so many things that you're like, yep. Yep.

That's, that's how I felt through that. Yeah, might be on that one, but also no. My bet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, I am, I am, the summer is, as I said, I am concluding my white boy summer. Are you in your hot girl summer? You're in your hot girl summer.

Oh, I definitely had a hot girl summer. That's great. Yeah, I would say it's more of a WB summer, but I think, yeah, it's. I don't like the abbreviation at all. I hate that. Yeah, no, it is, though. No, no, what was last summer, Brad's summer? Then before that, I think, I think, I think, my boy summer was until 2021.

What hell's Brad Summer, man? What was I mean? Brat girl. It's like slutty, big healed. Isn't that the same thing as the, what's the other one you just said? White girl? What was the girl one? Hot girl. Hot girl and brat. Is that not the same thing? Different.

Different. She's just like different. Just like different. Different. So dumb. I'm in my girl language now. Different. Yeah.

You sound like a sassy girl with Down syndrome there. Like he said a family guy with Chris dates that girl. And she's like, shut up, Chris. Have you seen that one? I think so. Dude, Chris dates her girl's down syndrome. It's so funny. She's just, like, so mean to him the whole time.

Family guy's classic. Dude, I was showing her that clip the other day, or yesterday. We went to Coney Island, but the fucking, we were talking about people that are too fat to ride the rides. And my favorite family guy clip is when he's, they're like talking to Peter, like, sir, you're too fat to ride this ride? He goes, how do you know? He goes, well, the rules, you can't look hilarious on this tiny bicycle. And Peter gets out there and he goes, I'm sorry. That's great.

That is great. It's so fucking good. Yeah. Yeah, I will say Coney Island is a lot of fun though I don't know, it was... I love going down there. It's cool as shit.

I've never been. Oh, it's an experience. My grandparents lost a virginity at Coney Island to each other. We're on the boardwalk? Under the boardwalk. Really? Yeah.

That's old school, wow. I know, isn't that really cute? You're going to that boardwalk now. You're doing a lot more than losing your virginia. Oh, yeah, you're getting butt-fucked. Yeah. Have you seen that? That's my favorite.

It's always sunny, too. Not to just talk about hilarious TV shows, but... I've never seen that show. Oh, my God. They're like, the pier is a magical place. They're like, under the board rock is where, like, you have your first kiss. And there's all kinds of love and magic. They go down there and it's just two homeless guys.

And he's like, that's not magical. That's what it was down. That's not love. Because I don't know what that was. That's great. Yeah, those were my grandparents. That's love. Yeah.

Wait, were they both from, where were they from? Brooklyn. Oh, that's cute. Yeah. And then they moved to Canada. So my grandfather was, That's our time. He was the president of Hasbro, Canada.

His toy company? Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah. Do you have like a bunch of old school famous toys and stuff? Dude, that is sick. Yeah. That's insane.

Wait, they did Monopoly, right? Are they bought Monopoly? Yeah, they, yeah. But he wasn't in charge of all of Hasbro, just Hasbro, Canada, and Latin America. So they lived in Montreal. Okay. I was born there. And then I was born in Vermont, raised in Canada.

Yeah. Oh, I didn't know you're born in Vermont. So you do have you... Yeah, I'm dual. Okay, so how hard is that like when you came... Did you have any concerns of getting deported? Not even a little bit. Okay.

Yeah, easy, peasy. You can't vote. Nope. Okay. Which is fine. That's great. I don't do it anyway. I have the best excuse.

I'm like, ah. Oh, my God. Yeah, people are so annoyed with it. It's going to be like... I might commit a felony just so people who shut the fuck up and stuff asking me to me to put... Yeah, seriously. To fucking do shit.

But we're in a... fucking hour. Thank you so much, guys. I had a goddamn blast. Good times. Always a good time here on the Morning Good Podcast. Thank you, dude. I am. Yeah, what do you want to promote? Just follow me. Tom Zapia. Start a know weekly show in Brooklyn. Follow me on

Instagram. Gigi comedy. Also, this is going to be really weird because, like, I think I'm releasing two episodes tomorrow. So I guess I hope you liked the last one. I don't know. Whatever. Thank you. Love you guys. Check out the feet. Oh, it'll be consistent, by the way. No more this fucking every other week shit.