Morning Good - Birthday Shogun - Episode 198

Episode Date: December 3, 2023

Paddy Defino joins the show as today's solo guest. He and Michael talk about overdraft fees, being thankful for friendships, and the YouTube foot-fetish community.Thanks to Paddy for coming back on the show, and to Alan Fitzgerald for making a brief special guest appearance. Check out Paddy on previous episodes of the show and follow him on Instagram @paddy_is_funky. He also hosts News From Bed on YouTube, so make sure to check that out as well.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, by way, shout out to Tim's Bray. Welcome to morning. And we're here with Patty Defino. Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, wait, on, start over. No, no, we're leaving this. We're leaving this.

No, I got a good line. Say that again. we're here with Patty Defino. Thanks for the F-Shack, A-Hole. Yeah, love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Love Dirty Mike and the boys. Time to come in your car. Yeah, come in your car. Dude, that thing is like, I wish there was a longer, I might ask my producer just to play

a longer version, like to make a longer version of my intro. Because I love, it's literally my favorite song in the world. And I think it's because I'm like wildly self-centered. I'm like, this is such a cool intro from my- That's 100% what it is. Yeah, yeah. It's not, listen, I shout out Pax. I love Pax.

I mean, there's better songs in the universe. Not in my universe. In my universe in my head, I'm like, this is the most beautiful song. Oh, my God. It was funny when you were saying that Snoop Dog did like white face. Yeah, he would do white guys connect. It was the best videos ever on the internet. It's so funny because a black guy in white face would look very weird, but they're still

cooler than white guys. Oh, yeah. It's so true. Like a black guy doing white face is still more than any white guy. Like they'd still be popular in school, you know, like. just because they're just so much cooler. Everyone would be like, wow, he doesn't care at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just a white, a black guy, a permanent white face. Well, yeah, I've seen like an albino. That is funny. Have you seen a black albino? Yes. So that just shows you it's not just the color of the skin. Yeah. Where you're from?

Yeah, yeah. I wonder where there was black albinos during like slavery times. That must just confuse the fuck. Yeah. Or if that's how white people exist. It's just like a couple of black albinos, we're like, well, we can't fuck the black guy. Wait, did we just figure out where white people?

Because everybody came from Africa, right? The whole theory, according to the black Israelites that I listened to, the talk on 42nd Street, they tell me that everybody came. No, I think it is actually like a true thing that everybody came from Africa. It is, yeah, 100%. But if there were two albinos, like an albino woman, an albino man, they were kind of exiled from the hut. I mean, like, back in the day, they would be ex-it. Like, people would be like, there's no way they were immediately accepting of this. ghoul amongst us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they'd get sent away. They start having sex,

having albino children. Yeah, yeah. And then, um, I guess like, then they move up north and due to a change in climate, like a more, they meant like, like, you know, times of change. Well, yeah, I guess. Blacks are accepted. Yeah, but I mean like a, like, like the humidity and stuff. Yeah. Like, it's not as hot and loose so the, the dick has to shrink back up into the body a little bit. There we go. How about Joe Rogan talks about that once? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How white people were created.

That makes a lot of, like, like, literally, if somebody explained this to me, I'm like, it is funny, too, like, they literally, it's really funny that, like, people are like, oh, they're stereotypes about black guys, the big dicks. But, like, statistically, if you go to the Congo, the average dick is, like, seven inch. Like, it's literally, like, you look at a chart, Asian dicks are, like, significantly smaller. Yes, yeah. And then white people are, you know, I would say the perfect media. I mean, if I were a woman, you don't want him too big.

It was funny because, like, my grandpa is, like, on his death, but that's not the funny part. But it is for me. And, like, so I saw him and everything during Thanksgiving. And, like, my sisters think that he's racist. Like, they, even though he's, like, helped so many black people in his life. Like, he was, like, a coach and stuff. Yeah. Well, he still can be, though, because I've, I've, you still can be.

And I'm not defending him. Either way, he's done a lot for that community, like more than my sisters have done probably. I don't know for sure, but they think he's racist because he told them when they were young that they are not allowed to date a black guy or marry a black guy, which, which it's a little racist. Sounds free. Yeah, yeah. But here's my argument. Okay. Is if you're a white guy today, you come from a long, long line of white guys who did not let.

black guys fuck their daughters. That's the only way you exist is by not letting black people fuck you. Fuck your family. Wait, but I still understand how this is not racist. Because you're just keeping your bloodline way.

I think it's just raises. I think it's less like a, I don't want them to be black as much as like, oh, I have to be white. But that still seems right. I don't understand your argument. I'm not trying to, look, I'm normally like, let's not hop on a bit.

He's a good guy. But I'm like, that actually, it's it because you were, I think you were talking to me about this earlier and I nodded my head. Yeah, yeah. I didn't understand it. And you disagree. I did. Because it just sounds more, it sounds like you're trying to keep the bloodline pure, which is the thesis. White's we're, white people are like, uh, beanie babies now. Oh, you got to hang on for a while for when the stock comes back up. Yeah. But, uh, but no, he's, he's a little racist for sure. He's not like, there's the problem is there's got to be different distinctions he's not like n-word racist you know right

right right right he's like i got beat up by black kids i'll argue this i think that like there are certain white people who use the n-word and they might just be there might be really stupid but not necessarily as racist as a white guy who doesn't use the n-word because i think there are super racist white people who don't use the n-word yeah but they uh they describe bit of nothing you know what i mean like yeah the negative details equal the end you know mean it's like right right this this this amount of... It's like saying the N-word might actually alleviate all that

eternal stress. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because as for, like, people who use the N-word who aren't racist, two of them are on this podcast. Just kidding. Yeah, yeah, just kidding.

I had a fear of that. I blacked out recently, and I woke up so hungover after my birthday, and I'm like, look, I have no recollection of saying the N-word. I, like, do not say the N-word,

but not that I haven't, but I was like, this amount of shame and drink, Like in my mind, this feeling? Like your body told you. Yes. Yeah.

I'm so hung over. Like, this is how I would feel if I did get drunk and say the N word very publicly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be funny if you woke up with a black eye. Then you would know that you said the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that is, I never really were. I never say the N word unless it's like, uh, you don't have, my viewers are cool.

You could tell them that you. No, I really, I really don't. Length and you wrote it all. on your wall. Yeah. I don't say I write. But I wrote it in lipstick. Yeah.

It's out of love. But, no, I, I like to use it as a, I think my friend, my friend Dave said this. I like to deploy it. I don't like to use it. I like to, like pushing it out to see like a Viking funeral. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, like, if you use it in a calculated spot, it's very funny. If, like, like, like rush hour when Jackie Chan says it is the fun.

Yes. We've got this exact conversation on this exact podcast, but it is like one of those things where it's like, I've learned I can't say it because I've been told it doesn't slap. That's not the exact terminology, but I think there is like, there's something to be said for like knowing, like, if you're gonna like,

like I think there are certain white people who could say it and it hits in a way that you're like, this was funny and like people know. And I'm like, I'm not like, I just, like, I said, like, I've been scolded. So I'm like, look, I'm just not going to. Yeah, yeah.

It definitely doesn't feel good when it doesn't work. Oh, yeah. It feels pretty bad. Yeah, like, it's just going to upset people. But it is one of those things that I'm like, I, like, it is, uh, I got to stop trying to, this is, look at the way I'm talking. This is how you talk, you know, your white guy talking about the Edward. When you come to think about, I look like I'm trying to talk about Israel

Palace, like with that level where it's like, you're like, you're like, you're like, You're like, what it really comes down to? I don't know. The argument's dumb, though, is the people that are like, oh, if you want to say it, then you're racist. I'm like, no, everybody wants to say something they can't say. Yeah, yeah. Like, I've never wanted to say the word veranda.

Because nobody's like, you can't say veranda in Europe. What is veranda? Like my veranda rights? No, no, those are Miranda. Raranda is like a living room. I don't know what it is. Oh, that's like one of the names for the, like, fancy, like a vestibule

kind of like something like that. And also it's like do black people are the coolest people and they use that word in the coolest way? So if like for you to not be like I want to be that cool is like insane. It's like obviously like yeah it's like that is a black person saying

the N word is the coolest thing. And of course you realize I'm white so it would be different but there's that little part of your brain especially when you're a teenager. A black person like allowing a white person to use the N word is the coolest thing. Oh, of course.

Over them using it. Yeah, yeah. because then it's like it's like you know like but when the white guy uses it it's not as cool yeah the coolest is white guy

who gets the pass and is like not for me yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna donate this N word to charity yeah I'm not gonna take it with me

I'm gonna give this to like a poor white kid in Boston I'm gonna give it back to the community yeah yeah yeah I think we were talking about like the N word pass one time and like getting the N word

pass from someone but like not you like saving it for like years later. Yeah, just randomly. We're like, well, actually I was told three years ago I'm allowed to use it. Do you guys know Tyrese from Atlanta? No, okay, well. Oh, he's not your relative?

Yeah. Oh. Sorry. Sorry, my peep. Well, dude, I heard the funniest, uh, because I was trying to, um, I was trying to, what's it called? Like, I was trying to, um, talk to somebody about like, I was talking about stereotyping. I think I was telling you about this.

How, like, stereotyping obviously is like, I think it's wrong. My viewers might feel differently, but I'm like, no, I think it's wrong to, like, judge somebody.

And then a female brought up to me, she's like, what about a scenario where I'm a woman and I'm in a room with a guy alone? I could stereotype that he's probably a rapist. Yeah, probably.

But like, maybe. But like, you got it. So, like, I don't know. You have to make that distinction. Yeah,

you have to, like, have spy kids gear to, like, analyze their entire, like being and everything. Dude, being a woman is, I could never, I could never. No, no, no. I always, like, there's always those moments.

Like, I remember in high school, I was like, women have it so easy. Yeah, yeah. Dude, the attention is kind of, it's a lot. Because I've told you, I've recently started to get an influx of viewership on my podcast, news from bed, check it out. Yeah, yeah. And it is primarily the gay male foot fetish community.

Yeah, by the way, I want to thank you because Soxmeller commented on one of my videos recently. Oh, did he move over? over? Do you make the transition? Wow, dude. Yeah, you're just going to start, you know, a little one of these. Do they like when you wiggle the toes and stuff? Dude, if it gets me the use, I will do my podcast with a blood plug-in. I know. I can't wait until I'm on Twitch and like a bathtub writing men's name all names over my body and I'm Sharpie. You change your whole. Oh, my God, thank you so much. Just chugger 74. Just like writing it. Oh, 500 bits. Oh, that's in the asshole. Sharper in the asshole. We like, my favorite is there's a comic in

Orlando, whatever, he's going to know, he's going to, who is the fuck. He, uh, he started doing like, he's kind of like a nerdy kind of white guy. And he started doing like only fans. And all of us are like, yeah, what is he fucking like, like, yeah, but he's fucking like just like dudes or like, you know, like ugly, ugly chicks. And then we found the leaked only fans picture from just fucking like a babe. Oh, God. Dude, doing only fans as a guy is like trying to be a comic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like pretty embarrassing for a while. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Until you take off. I think you gotta probably do the weird stuff to make money. See, that's where I've always said, like, if I was to ever do any kind of pornography and look, I have thought about it. I have, like, you go through like Tinder, there's a girl that's like, hey, shoot by only fans with me.

I'm like, this is an opportunity to fuck a really hot girl. Do you have any, like, patented moves, like sex moves? Like, nobody. Ooh, can. Like, have you ever put a move on a girl? And then she's like, wow, I've never, never done that one. I have been told this.

I did go down a girl one time. She goes, I think there was another. chef in this kitchen. Wow. Which I think I was telling you that. Yeah, yeah. That doesn't quite make sense. Is your vagina the kitchen?

Like, did, I get what you're saying. Like, somebody taught me how to eat pussy. But like, the way you're saying it is like, there was somebody else eating your pussy and taught me. Also, way to take all the romance out of it. Yeah, yeah. I love the idea of like, like, it's like an Italian guy right before me. He's like, you go to look at the pussy.

Like these, I say, put your tongue in there. I don't know what fucking accent that was. That was close. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, dude, I've had, I had this crazy, uh, little. Oh, I will say this. One time I did read somewhere that women like when you pull on their pussy lips,

which is just not true. I tried that. I was like, immediately the girl's like, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, I fucking had that somewhere. Yeah. Yeah, I think a lot of the stuff they say is like not at all what we're supposed to do. I think each girl is so individually different. Yeah.

Yeah, because some people want you to fucking slap it around down there. I will say this, the slapping a woman's ass and like hitting a woman's ass and like hitting at an angle that doesn't make a clapping noise is like when you fuck up a high five or a handshake with a black guy. It's that same feeling you're trying to look cool when you hit like a...

Like I have that way you try to slap up what's ass and you're like, yeah, who's your daddy? And you're like... Yeah. You're like, also my hand angles like looking very gay-like. Like I'm like slapping like that.

I've never felt like more of a fucking... I feel like harder is better in that case. Really fucking leave a mark, dude. Yeah, yeah. But if you... Brand that bit. Yeah. That's what I said.

What is that a Harold Gumar where New old Patrick Harris Brands hooker and then gets shot. Yeah. Yeah, dude, slap a woman. That's the only place you can really slap a woman and it's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The face is one thing.

But let me delve away from this. But recently I got a call from my mom and she was like, hey, I just got like... No, no, this is still related. I want to relate to these two topics. I want to think about

I want to talk about how eating pussy and your mom, that it reminded you of that. Yeah. She's like, Patty, I've had to put a frozen bag of peas down there. Your dad's got such a hog. She called me and she was like,

hey, I just got, I just like checked your bank account, which I didn't even know my mom had access to. Yeah. But it must have been something that was done years ago and it was like a merge thing. Yeah. And she's like,

and you have negative $800 in your checking account. I was like, What? Dude, I was close to dropping an end there. Just no, there's no context where it's related to black people. But she was like, yeah. That is a question. I knew some guy who would stub his toe and say the N-word.

And I don't think he was racist. I think he was just, but I'm like, it's, I don't know if that's more racist or less racist because there's no black people involved. It's just hate. You just hated that happened. But also, the fact that you're now associating anger and that word. That's dangerous, dude. That's a slippery slide.

Yeah. But speaking of the slippers slide, my mom, because of her pussy. Yeah, yeah. Hey, we don't talk about that. She's like, yeah, you're negative $800. So I looked and apparently my student loans had kicked back in and started charging me money. And I dipped below zero. But I had money in my savings, just not a lot.

And I was getting paid in two days. But in that two days, any time I used my card, it uh it would they would charge an overdraft fee of $35 that's wild so if i went on bargo they would do that shit to me no i have like a very like a local thing so like yeah if i went on the subway for $2.90 they would add $35 every time so there were 15 overcharge fees of $35 oh my dude dude i was like suicidal because i was like i get that dude i i've always like thought like what is the amount of money that i would just be like nope and just fucking kill myself, you know.

I did not think it was going to be as low as $800. That's so low. That's like not, that's like people will spend that on a night out. You know, like that's not, I shouldn't. Dude,

I think I've spent that on dating app. Yeah. Not quite that high, but it's scary because I'm trying to be like budget now. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, okay,

you know. And then I'm like, I am actually more scared of finding out what I've spent money on than being, because if I just like, if my life just falls apart and I become like, really homeless, not like the level now. Like really homeless. Like, oh, then I will just blame God and other things.

I'll be like, I never had a fair shot. Even though I came like a rich family. I'm like, I'm like, I never had to. But if I look through my budget, I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ, dude. It's saddening when you look through the budget, dude. You take a little stroll. Oh, my God. It was like 7 p.m.

And my buddy's like, dude, we should go to the strip club. And I'm really bad at saying no to that. And I was like, dude, no, because I weren't you going to get horny and hang out. with our friends and like it'll be a bad night and he's like dude come on and he's like I'm like okay so I went to this trip it's your birthday dude I went in so far I got like I got a lap dance and then I was like can y'all do two lap dances at the same time and they're like yeah I was like cool which is only $40 which is totally worth it so I'm getting like the most aggressive $10 a cheek dude yeah yeah I'm like like like motorboating butt cheeks like my buddy's just

sitting there I was like this is your idea yeah yeah then I got like a a fourth one and the girl's like kneeing like the bottom of my dickhead like just really like knowing what to do. Yeah, yeah. Oh, like successfully doing it. Not like. Oh, it was like, oh, wow. This like super hot black woman. I was like, this is I'm gonna jizz.

And then we left and then like, and then we went to something where my family showed up, which isn't like I'm just, I can't. You can't go out with. You just burst and at the scenes. Yeah, yeah. I was like, it was the terrible option. Dude, there's nothing worse than being horny around your family. Yeah, because your dad will put his hammer or so you like, you're like,

you're like, stay fucking miles away from me right now. Yeah, yeah. I want to pretend you died. Yeah. I'm going to go take a shit for the third time today. Yeah.

Wink, wink. But then, dude, my friend got like a table, which is that actually was fine with money because another friend just sent me $50, which is such a nice birthday present. Yeah, yeah.

A fuck ton of money. And then I just sent that towards a table. And then they got me like a, what's it called? Like this sign comes out. This is happy birthday with like, sparkler things. I'm like, there's no way this is for me. It was for me. And I love, dude, I am you love a surprise. I'm so self-centered. I'm like, it is about me tonight. I was so fucking

happy, dude. Dude, you were a Taylor Swift moment. Yeah. I want to get you like a sash. I would love it. How many of your shirt crying? Dude, there needs to be like guy stuff for that because it's all like a tiaras and shit. There needs to be like a fucking like commoto that you wear. Oh, dude. That's just like, so. Birthday. Tyson. Yeah. On the back. That's like German or whatever.

Whatever their birthday Shogun. How about that? Oh, dude. I love that. Yeah. Yeah. And a sword that just glistens happy birthday. Oh.

Dude, I love. Yeah. That would be so cool. Yeah, I love, I sent a really gay message to my boys. I was like,

I just, I love you guys. I'm so this Thanksgiving. I'm thankful that I have guy friends that we, been friends for fucking babies. And we're not babies, but you get it. It feels good.

Doesn't it? telling someone, I told you. I was like, hey man. You said the sweetest little message to me. He was like, he's like, hey man. I'm really thankful for a friendship. Yeah, you're just a great all around. It feels good, dude. I love when bros are just like, just showing love to each other.

Oh, yeah. It's the best. Well, that's one thing I just want to thank the whole fucking comedy community because I almost want to cry talking about it. It's like with this situation. Dude, I know. It's like, so many people have reached out and are like, you could stay with me. I'm like, thank you so much.

Yeah, because you're a man of the people, dude. Yeah, thank you. It was funny because I texted you and I don't know if I told you this, but I called Malia and I was like, hey, like, I just wanted to say happy Thanksgiving. You know, I'm very thankful. You're in my life. You're a great friend of mine, whatever. And she just pauses. She goes, wait, I need you to like be 100% honest with me.

I'm like, yeah. And she's like, are you going to kill yourself? He's like, what? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Dude, that would do a nice thing. I sent Grant Moore a text to be like, hey. And he's like, yeah, I'm going to enjoy whatever years you have left. Just everything, I'm just going to kill myself?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess so. No, one of my friends did say, happy Thanksgiving. And I said, this is the gayest shit. Like, yeah, yeah. It is fun to then turn it right around. Yeah, I'd be like, just the fact you even thought of it. The fact that this thought even passed through your brain makes you a total fucking weirdo.

You're obsessed with me You want to sniff my socks What do you want to kiss me on the lips, dude? Why don't you ask? Why don't you throw a birthday party for me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude. It's, uh, I like, I like Thanksgiving for that reason.

Just, you know, reminding people. Yeah. Why, why you're, yeah. But it is, it is a little gay. Oh, yeah, yeah, but I like, like, it's, it's, uh, it's nice. Like, I was, I was so happy my birthday because I had a bunch of friends come out and I had a bunch of sober friends come out, which is cool as hell. That's good.

Just going clubbing. with them and they're like just tearing it up on the dance floor and I'm like this is dude how do you want to plan my relapse into alcohol I don't support it how do we part it's it is a weird thing where it's like uh people that are so it does make me sad for some reason because my mind goes oh I can't drink with that person yeah but it'll be it'll happen to people I'm not even I don't even know just like more successful comics I'm like I really sucks that guy's sober I'm never gonna have the check yeah yeah yeah but I want to I told people I get a thousand YouTube subscribers.

I mean, I don't support you relapse. That's the hard part. But I don't know where the line gets drawn because I've had so many friends go to rehab and then come out. And they're like, no, yeah, I can drink now. I went to rehab for like heroin. It's totally different. Yeah, yeah.

And then I start drinking with them and I'm like, oh, you are a drug addict. Yeah, yeah. But then I go back and forth in my mind with it. I'm like, all right, well, what part am I involved? Because I'm like, I'm not going to get sober just because you're sober. And I don't know how much I'm, like, do you then go like, I can't drink around you, but I can drink a long. It's a weird thing because I'm like,

then there is an argument of I'll drink with you and now I'm responsible. In a way, I can like make sure you don't drive because we're drinking together because you're going to drink no matter what. For sure. So,

but it is a really weird thing where it's like, don't drink with your friends. They're alcoholics. It's like, no, I might be able to, you know, make sure they don't, I'll drive drunk.

Yeah, drink less than them. Yeah, yeah. Responsible thing. Well, here's my argument is I've never, one, well, like you said, I've always been able to go out sober

with people who are drinking. I've never even had like a, ooh, I wish I was a part of that, you know? I've never had that. I never had like a big alcohol abuse issue. It was just like a depression thing. But then like I stopped drinking. And those first like few months I was like so proud of myself. So I felt really good.

Yeah. And then that goes away and you're just depressed again. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I, well, have you, have you done a year yet? Almost two years. Oh, okay. Okay.

Well, then I think it's fine to make the get. Like, yeah. I'll be your psychiatrist, your therapist here. I think that's, I think the problem is the people that are like sobriety didn't work for a year. And then they're like, oh, okay. Because like, I've heard that first year is just like ups and downs to depression and stuff like that. But you know what's funny is I'm just thinking about this because like my YouTube with the foot fetish people? I'm basically like showing my feet to drink again.

Which is the most alcoholic thing. You're like, yeah, no, I'm just going to sell my body for the right to drink alcohol. So I can have a beer. What is it a thousand subscribers? And you'll show your feet and drink? Yeah. Well, a thousand subscribers I'll drink.

I told people on my podcast, if I got 50 likes on an episode, socks off for the rest of the show. But I'm going to withdraw that because I think that might be abused to see my feet. The guy, wait, he doesn't follow me, but the guy you showed me. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Wait, can you describe a little bit of what's going on with his guy? He's got about three teeth in his head. Yeah. So on his, like, YouTube profile. specifically. It's not like somebody else's teeth are in his forehead. Yeah, yeah. He, uh, yeah, he's got three teeth in his mouth.

Just a, if you go to his YouTube profile, there's three videos that are just very close to his face. And then the rest are just like videos of his feet without shoes or socks on as he like goes to the mall or something. It's like, yeah, I'm going to do laundry. And it's just a video, full length video of his bare feet. But I love that because that guy is, he is a fan. of feet. He's a big fuck guy.

A footy. He's also contributing. But he's contributing. Yeah. He's like a net positive guy there. I will say this. Whenever somebody's taking a POV car video, it is always whenever somebody's taking a video in their car, it's always bad. Like, there's no, nobody's sane.

Yeah. I don't know why. It's like you do it on the street actually looks like, oh, maybe you're like an influence or something. Yeah. Inside like a car and you can see the fabrics, specifically non-leather seats. I mean, I don't even own a car or an apartment. Yeah. But the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, setting, because it's like,

you're in this vehicle, like, you're, it feels rushed. The video feels rushed, because you have to do it when you're, like,

driving or whatever. Yeah. And there's usually no one else in the car, so it's kind of, like, lonely. Yeah, it's kind of like someone is just trying to, like,

they need to get something out. And, like, this is their only chance. And they're like, you know, it's like, like, the guys in the submarine,

like, stuck. Like they make like a video. If you see this, just know I loved you so much. Like it's a very desperate act. So yeah, I've never seen. I just think of that Shia LeBuff video where they're like it's like a read through of like some kind of script or something during the pandemic. And it's just a bunch of like really famous actors like in their houses in their offices, whatever. And it's just like shy is just like in the Zoom call. Have you ever seen this? No. And he's just in his car and he's just like clearly listening to music and like jamming out and like like going like he's just like balling out in the car like so high it's so fun and like Morgan Freeman is like in the corner just like

and then we walk to the other side. Yeah. Yeah. And he's just had a drive through. He's like no, no, no, three crunch rap Supreme. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. God, I want to not give a fuck that hard, but it's like, you got to have something first. Yeah. When you hear some of those like Patrice stories. You're like, this is wild. Just him, just a room full of executives. Just like, how but you all get the fuck out of you? I don't give a shit what you think about me. Yeah, yeah. It's so cool. It's unfortunate because that is like what comedy

is, but like we've gotten kind of far from that. Like comedy's kind of just to fuck you to everyone. Yeah, yeah. It's like a, it's like, fuck you. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want. It's like rap. Yeah, that's like some, I hate defining comedy because like sometimes it's like so many different things. But there is, there is an

aspect of it that's like, who and that's why like comedy theory gets so, then now it's not funny because now you're breaking down the thing and you're like, these are the rules of comedy. Yeah, yeah. It's really just all, it's like, it's just something silly. Like, there's some things that I'm like, oh, this is just, like, it's so weird that, like, I was with my cousin's baby and, or she's like a toddler, and she was doing this thing

where she's riding my shoulders and covering my eyes and I was pretending to walk into the wall and hit my head. And she's just, like, dying for like an hour straight. And it's like, there's no explanation for why she thinks me getting hurt is funny. Yeah, unless she's seen jackass. Yeah. I doubt you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude, it's, it is kind of inexplicable. And that's, that's why it's, like, fun to keep, like, always thinking about it. But we don't have to, like, talk about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what did you do for Thanksgiving? Um, I, I played some pickleball, dude. Have you ever played pickleball? Okay, let's go back to the other side. No, no, no. Uh, it's catching on. Like, like, the country cool of my parents are a member of there's, like, a whole pickleball court now. It's, like, big everywhere. My buddy's just like, you got to get into pickleball.

ball. Everybody's telling me I need to get into pickleball. It's the fastest growing sport, dude. Yeah, yeah. But at least until the trans athletes get in there. Oh, man. I wake up every morning and I'm like, you're gonna be sports in my fucking country. I swear to fucking God.

I'm like the least athletic person. I'm like, if I see one of those fuckersball with a fucking tennis racket. Well, dude, that is the funny thing about like, if you don't know, because you're not like a big sports guy, right? No, I know they're fucking shit up. Do you know? As somebody who doesn't like sports, it's, I care.

Like, I actually like it. Yeah. I like the thing I don't. Like it from a comedy perspective. Yeah. I like, because it's like, look. Sports needs a disruptor. Yeah.

Every year it's kind of the same thing where it's like, there's like these storylines. It's like there's always something exciting and there's always something disappointing. And like, it's kind of the same thing over and over. And like if you just put all those announcers on their heels and everything for, for a year. Or put them in their heels. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. That could be fun. But with, like, I wish Leah Thomas, like, really trolled harder where she just,

like, has her weiner hanging out of her fucking bathing. Like, how fucking funny. A little swim cap on it. One nut sack is hanging out of each side of the lady bathing. And then she's just like, I don't know what you guys are fucking talking about.

Yeah, yeah. But it is funny when you're with guys who know sports, because I don't really know, like, football or anything. Not at all.

Like, they're just talking about it. you try to chime in, like, you immediately sound like a girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you're like, running back? Is he running? Yeah, did he score a touchdown? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, wrong sport, honey.

Yeah, yeah. And I like that, dude. But it is kind of a good thing. Like, I was at a bar recently and the second day of my birthday. I did it two days in a row. I was like midnight at the night before birthday. This was what was at a bar. And it was kind of a good move to talk to chicks because I'm kind of like, oh, yeah.

I was like, I don't even watch because they're not watching sports. So you can kind of talk to them while they're, their, their guy. But then the problem is you need to know like real housewives. Yeah.

Like who's the tight end for real housewives? You need to know some stats, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Becky got in four arguments last season. Oh,

which is pretty low for Becky. But it's just so funny too because it'll be like the guy that's good actually trying to hook up with her is just yelling at the TV. I'm like, who,

who what a good distraction for me to wheezele my way in. Yeah. Advantage me. Yeah. Dude, I'm not, I don't know how to talk to chicks.

You were saying you had some bank account move you were talking about before the pod? Oh, but yeah, that was... So I ended up calling up the bank and then they gave me like a couple of those charges back. Oh, but I thought you were saying there's something about your move

talking to girls has to do with the bank account? I thought you were saying something about that. No, I don't think so. No, I don't think so. No, I don't think so. No, my move is just to like... I like to just try to be their friend and then never...

And trick them and trick them with the least vulnerable. You slide in them. there. Do you know what I noticed I really? Because like, I've always been a guy who's had zero kinks. Yeah. I'm just a fucking bread and butter kind of guy. By the way, I used to kind of get annoyed by that. Not like, not like, because I'll be like, I'll be like, oh, this guy. He's like, he's lying. He's got to have something weird. And no, it's a lot of people just don't like anything weird. Yeah. But as somebody that likes something weird, it's like, both of us have advantages. Like, because we're, like, the differences are great because now it's like, I'll hook up a girl and they're like, oh, my God, no guy is into this. I'm like, oh, cool.

I'll do this. Yeah. But then like for you, it's like, now you have advantages with girls that are like, my last boyfriend wanted me to piss on them.

And you're like, we're a weirdo. And you guys are like, yeah, fuck that guy. And then you get that. Like, everybody. It all works out. Everybody wins.

Yeah. But I realized this recently. I had some, like, some, you know, it was churning for a while. Yeah. But I really get turned on.

By wearing ladies underwear. Yes. Yeah, yeah. All right. Podcast is over. I really get turned on if I'm on the subway.

And it's like, packed and there's like people squished against me. That's why. I knew your version of the scene. Everybody who's normal has like one absurd thing. I know, but that's like,

how do I ever pull that one off, dude? You got to be like a millionaire. Yeah, a million. You're just higher a bunch of people. Yeah, yeah. But that takes it away, you know? Yeah,

automatically. So you like the smushness. That's like there was one movie where this one actor, she played like a retarded woman, so she related to horse. This is such a funny movie. We watched it in psychology. Oh, I've heard of this movie.

Yeah, the girl was just like, and they were like, somehow that made her relate to horses. It's just so fucking, dude. If this is real, maybe it's real. I got to find out this movie. They both love sugar cubes, you know out of your head. That's what like Simple Jack was like based off of

because they're making fun of how like absurd this movie is where it's like, it's like they could talk to animals. Basically like the woman, because she had like extreme autism, not like Elon Musk, but there's a level of autism. where you become like basically nonverbal. And she liked being smushed. So her idea, she's like, let's smush your horses.

And then that like worked to calm down the horses. Oh, wow. So they would like just kind of smush them and they would kind of, yeah, yeah. Wow, dude. Imagine if we raced retarded people. I mean, I've thought this for a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a jockey on their shoulders.

We were talking about a gladiator. wars with them at some point. Oh, yeah. Because we're talking about, like, we're talking about somebody else's podcast, like, it's weird to think about that they've been there forever. Like, it's weird to think about their Roman Empire. Like, different things with them in it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like, ancient Egypt, like, you know, Bible, biblical time. Maybe one of the

disciples was a follower because he kind of didn't have anywhere else to go. What if, here's a theory? He's following the candy that Jesus has. Yeah, because they're riddled throughout history. And I hate to use the word riddled because it's so hard for them. Because they're riddled in throughout. history. What if every single retarded person is just a person from the future who tried to use a time machine to go to the past? And it like melted their brain. So somebody time travel the retarded baby into a woman's pussy in the ass? No, like they were all the geniuses of the future.

Right, right. Who went to the past. But the time machine, something with the heat or like radiation in there kind of cook their brain a little bit. And they just arrived. arrive in whatever time they are retarded. That's interesting. And then they have to exist. But then they can't figure out how to get back in the future. Yeah. Or they hate retarded people in the future and just transport them back in time. Just launch them back.

Yeah. Of course I will love my daughter the way she is. Bobby get the time machine. Yeah. We're sending her back. You can have a good career as a retarded person in like medieval times. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because you'd be like the guy who like carries the head from the beheading to like the bin that they all like for sure.

Like they use them for like like slave labor. Right. Well, they're very strong. I told you guys to build a pyramid. Not a giant Mickey Mouse. Sorry. The blocks are so heavy. Oh, I don't want to put them back.

like for work like there's got to be work that like they could just do very efficiently because I think I think they have some skills in the sense that like very strong and then I think they can focus on one because they don't got a lot going on upstairs so they can very much be like okay this is what we're locking in on yes you know like you you take like there's smart people to do manual labor because it's just whatever happened in their life

they're like I do manual labor yeah maybe they're good at it like I know some smart electricians stuff like that but they might be doing their job at a slower pace because they're like, oh shit, my fuck, I got a new baby, you know, my car's broken, but then retarded people blocks. Yeah,

I got to put these bricks right here. Yeah. That's all I got to do. I think a great job would be putting them in like a tub of grapes and having them just mash them. To make wine or whatever they do with that. They got to have giant feet, right? Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, if we're talking foot to cock ratio. Yeah, we can reverse engineer the size of their feet. Bob Lazarus. Yeah, that's got to be really funny for sketchers because they're like, all right, we're going to make a couple of kids shoes with Bobblero. Bobla Tard. Sorry.

We've got to make a couple kids shoes and then we've got to make some just ginormous light-up sketches for these guys. Dude, I love the idea. You know how, like, people with Down syndrome have prescription shoes? Really? Yeah. I love the idea that they're, like, I know what, what's wrong with these people.

Their feet. The shoes. This will fix everything. It's just some tight shoes. Their eyes just slide and play. As you tight in the laces. Prescription shoes are funny. That's just, man, that's just so unfair of God.

He's like, yeah, we'll fuck up their feet too. Like, how is everything? Like, your shoes don't even work? Yeah, I guess what are the odds you have? When you say prescription, it's out, I love the idea of their retarded shoes that you put on and they tie themselves. Like just some sort of like, like wild. Or just a doctor with a notepad writing sketchers. With lights.

The spiny wheels to go in the circle. Yeah. Healy's on the weekend. But the problem is not, I don't think the problem is God. I hate blaming God. Yeah. Big God guy. Well, I also like, I don't know if it is a prop.

Like, they are awesome. I do. They're the best of people. Yeah. It's a solution to the problem. I'm bored. Yeah. Dude, it is so much in my feed.

There was one. Dude's breakdancing. They love breakdancing. Yeah. And they, and I say they because I know three of them from online. Yes. I don't know.

I really have no relationship to the community at all. And I envy those that do. but yeah yeah i wish i had like a little in into that community but um no they're they're they're they're great i i blame like for the fact that they exist is humanity's uh decision right because we're the ones who were like drinking in the dude what or is it just a random it's just like uh like a harry potter spell that's beautiful but on it yeah it's really it's really one of the it's one of the seven wonders of the universe stupid fye that'd be a sick one I mean, Voldemore does look kind of downsy.

Yeah, he does. Yeah, but he's evil, dude. Yeah. You don't only have good downs people. This is true. This is true. They really are the good ones. Yeah.

Yeah. They're, uh, ooh, I just got a boo notification. What's boo? Boo. Boo is a dating app for people who are, uh,

involuntary celibates. Really? It's, it's for people who like can't get late on the regular apps. Oh, God. I got banned on hinge. For what?

And then I like... You were unhinged. I was unhinged, dude. There was a, there was a woman on a ski ball table in one of her pictures and she was kind of like leaning back and like smushing her tits together. And I was like, how many points if I landed in those tits? I got banned permanently, dude. I appealed it and they're like, they just said nothing.

So like hinge I'm out. Tinder, I didn't want to pay. I will say that is a wild first measure to sit. It's funny. It's also a weird line. that's like a comic because it's like I'm used to talking like I do at a show which is a different

I mean I'm not here to scold you yeah yeah but it is a different I mean back back when I was like I think 18 some girl like said she's Brazilian and I was like I love your culture and I said her like a link to like Brazilian fart porn and I was like that's funny

but it was just like because I that was just culture yeah it was just funny to go and then now I'm like all right that's probably sexual harassment you know I'm trying to tone it down a notch but I think it's also hard because some jokes are like,

it is such a weird thing because some women also like, like I, there was one woman I imagine so she had giant tits in her picture and she's like, yes, I got big titties. I'm like, all right,

well, now for me to comment on them. Yeah, yeah, now time for the barrage of comments. And I guess it's also different if you match because that's different than going up to a woman at a bar. Yeah. Because she's already said you're attractive.

So it's like, if in flirting you mentioned a woman's tits, I don't know if that's technically sexual harassment. Because it's not like, she hasn't given you consent to, to harass her, but like she has given you

some level. of consent. You know what I mean? It's a weird thing. We got to stop caring about this. Yes. Because what we're doing is we're handing over power to women. Yes, exactly. Which we've learned doesn't go so well. No. Gave them credit cards. Bad idea. Bad idea. I used that video of Ozzy. He's talking about like, Sharon's like, women, couldn't even own crate college teams 19-70s. He was like, I think we should go back today.

Dude, they're great. Are they both alive still? Yeah, yeah, barely. Two dollars. But it's also like, what's it called? I think the whole thing is I like that the women power thing, okay, people get weird about it. But I think now because of the Me Too movement, it's given, I'm so up front now, which is actually helpful. Now instead of saying I don't want to like hang out for 10 hours to find out if we're fucking, I'm just like, look, I'm only, I'm like, I'm not trying to get Me Too. So if you're about it, let me know clearly.

Yeah. So I'm like, clearly I need it written out. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, yeah. Because I think before it's kind of like, just this weird. Yeah. Before it was like you do it. Then they're like, no, I didn't want to do that.

And then you're like, oh, sorry. Yeah. Now I'm like, well, that's why I feel this cool because it's like, these people are just like, this is what I want. Yeah. I told you about that weird couple though, that like, there's this couple. And they're like, hey, we're coming to New York City soon. I'm like, yeah, I'll bang some guy's wife and whatever.

And then I was like, hey, just heads up like, I'm not gay or bisexual at all. I don't want to do any gay bisexual stuff. They're like, we're just looking for open-minded fun. I was like, interesting. Okay, well, 100% not looking to do gay stuff with your husband. And then she's like, we'll open your mind. And I was like, I'm not, okay, I'm not interested if this is gay sex with your husband. And she goes, like, we're going to open your ass.

I was like, look, probably not interested. She's like, don't be scared. I'm like, now I am more scared than ever. I'm blocking you guys. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Would you ever, would you like have sex with her while he's like in the room? yeah totally

really dude he can have a fucking microscope on my ball sack well I'm banging his wife I don't care as long as he's not touching me I don't give a shit you gotta get this mole checked out yeah yeah as long as he's not touching me oh yeah yeah

I got good and I say that now I'd probably get soft and have to leave sad the weird there's like this weird some guy called in a Bill of Burr's podcast and he said what he likes

is like the guy's like an alpha cuck so he likes guys of smaller dicks to fuck his wife and her be like that's nothing and then he comes in, he's like, this is what you wanted the whole time. Wow.

Which is so funny. Imagine being the guy, you're like, I'm going to bang this guy's wife. And you get there and he's like, you're doing it all wrong. Yeah, she doesn't like that. And then you have to like leave

and like call an Uber. Like you're just like out. You're like waiting. You're like, it says it's five minutes away. It says they're completing a trip nearby. So please, and you're just waiting there.

So just waiting there. I like the idea of like him fucking her. And he's like, oh, this is great. And then all of a sudden you just hear the John Cena music. Yeah, it did. Just. Big cock.

Or you need a real man in here. It's so funny. People are weird, but it's fun. And, yeah, but I, I've started, like, I'm, I'm on my Adam Sandler, uh, towards the end of the movie arc where, like, I woke up yesterday and was like, turning over. You know what I mean? Where it's like, I'm like, I'm like apologizing to people. I'm not doing that because everything's fine. But, like, yeah, I'm doing that thing where I'm just like, you know, I'm living differently.

So I'm, I'm like, I'm still going to have fun and, like, I'll do it. but I'm like, I'm on, by the way, from last week, Jesus Christ. I'm looking at that last week. I was sad.

I was like, I'm doing way fucking better now. Like, I'm really feeling like, uh, things are going to go in a good direction. And I'm like, I'm only going to go on a date

if I'm like really interested in somebody. Like I would hook up with just a hot chick at a bar, but, but which, by the way, also this homelessness thing, Rachel Williams, I was talking about my homelessness situation and like how it's hard

with chicks. I'm not technically homeless. I'm just staying in different places. And I was talking to, uh, Rachel Williams about it. And she's like, you gave your ex the apartment? She's like, that's like the bigger man thing to do.

I was like, oh, I think I just learned my angle. I'm just going to be like, yeah, I'm literally paying rent at an apartment I don't own because I'm a good guy. Yeah, yeah. I'm a hero. Yeah. I'm not homeless. I'm a hero.

You did the sweetest thing I've ever seen when you were. So Michael is staying with me for a little bit. And when you first got here, this was like, I almost wept with sincerity that you, you walked into my room to size it up to put your mattress down. Yeah, yeah. Because you thought we were going to have a nice little slumber party. Yeah, I was like, I'll sleep again. Well, I didn't think I'll be leaving. That is so sweet. I should have done it. That would have been so much fun, dude. Well, we'll consider it. So I leave tomorrow for Vermont. Maybe tonight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like, I thought that would make sense. Well, because I was like, the idea of me being in a living room,

I've been in a living room before and you feel kind of like a little bit like in the way. Like, I didn't want it. But then I realized that you live with all guys. Goblins and Grimlins. And they wake up at like 4 p.m. Yeah, I'll be fine. Everyone lumberes out in the afternoon. And also like, I was worried that Allen's just going to be doing taxes here. He's like, hey, you want to quiet down over there.

You're snoring. I'm trying to get my 401k in order here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because the only thing is like I have to like take calls at like 830. Yeah. So just be funny. Like me on the computer, you're just laying down. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been weird dreams. I told you what I dream to do. My dream last night was so, I think I already. explain it to you, but I want to say to the pod. I had a dream I was opening for Louis C.K. in an arena, which just shows my level of delusion. I'm like, yeah, this is about where I am in my career. But it's like, I'm like, uh, my family comes and my mom gets like wasted and like has like, is like disrupting the whole. That's so like funny that she could disrupt an entire arena. Yeah, yeah. That's like what's happening. She's like drunk, like spilling wine everywhere. And then

getting like, like, I'm arguing with her. I'm like, you got to get your shit together. And she's just like, you're bad stuff. It's like doing stuff she'd never say. Yeah. My family's like, in his dream, so mean to me. And then my dad's like talking over people. And then he's like, what? No, he asked a question.

Like the opener asked a question. Like, yeah, you don't yell it in a fucking arena to answer him. And then he got really mad at me. Wait, are you on stage when you're doing? I'm like talking to Lou. And I'm kind of like walking back and forth. I'm like, uh, I'm like, look. Yeah, this is like, uh, and he's like, yeah.

This is so embarrassing. Yeah, he's like, you're ready to do. You know, I was just doing like 10 or something like that. I'm like, yeah, yeah, perfect. And then I'm like still trying to get my family in order. And then I go to get like, you know, like basically green room backstage, like about to ready to open this arena up because I'm going, about to go on. And then the audience is leaving in droves.

And my sister threw a party and invited everybody in the arena to go to the house party. So everybody's leaving the concert. They're not going to get to see me. Fuck, Louis. Yeah. And then Louis was like, the dream. He goes, yeah, man. He's like, maybe this just like wasn't meant to be.

And I was just like, I were literally crying. I was like, this is my fucking best opportunity I've got. And I fucked it up. But it wasn't your expense or your fault. That's the idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I have had dreams where I do arenas and I'm getting like shoes thrown at me. Like I've had that.

Yeah, that would be tough. The old, who got a shoe throw? Was that Bush going to shoe throwing at him? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Those videos, dude, I love videos of like, I don't know if it was a veteran, but I love the videos of that veteran just scrubs. reaming at George Bush. She's like, my friends are dead because of you. You're like, sir, calm down. It's like, no, don't calm down. Your friends are dead because

they literally are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so awesome to see that too. Because I also like, like, there was this, I don't know, it's really interesting to hear like, uh, everybody has a different perspective, has been the service, but it's really cool hearing people that were in it. Like, uh, yeah, we did some things we don't. Yeah. Like, dude, I read that book about the, uh, the Navy seal who like, I forget what happened, but he got like, he got like fired for like crimes against humanity or something because like they're taking like Al-Qaeda hostages and like there's just creative. They like to get creative.

Yeah, but there was this one hostage that they like needed information. It was like a big deal that they got them and like they were like, oh nice, we're going to like ship them away and like basically torture him to get like info. But like they're all like standing around him and he's like on his knees and stuff. And this guy just walks up to him, takes up to him. takes out his like bayonet knife and just right into the throat and just killed him. And they're all just like, but he was their commander. Yeah.

And then he just like washed off the blade and walked away. And they're all just like standing there like, dude, what the fuck was that? Like you can. Like this guy was just so brainwashed. Like he was like, by the end he was like killing civilians and like women and stuff like that. Yeah. Just just every thing in the book that you're not supposed to do. Yeah.

But, uh, oh, should I tell Ryan? to shut up. We'll give them a couple. I'll give them a couple. Just like, like, you know what? We haven't tried. I know we don't really have like an Islamic terrorist thing going on right now.

But have we tried just giving them 1,200 virgins on Earth? What if we just scooped up? We can go less. Yeah, yeah. We can talk them down. We're like, okay, yeah, sure, maybe there's, what is it?

Is 1,200 or how many is it? I thought it was like 47 or something. That's easy. Yeah. I think we talk them down to one. Yeah, yeah. We're like, look, there's one. right here.

Yeah. Here's the thing. Here's what we get them with. You've been banking your entire life on this religion that guarantees you 70 virgins. Do you even know this a lot? Yeah. Look, look, this is us right here. One right here.

Exactly. Also, 70 over the span of a lifetime. That's like nothing. Yeah. But one virgin per like the next 20 years. Like that's a way better virgin per year ratio. Yeah. Yeah.

You're going to get. We do map this out on a chalkboard. Yeah. We say besides the. the virgin. It's just a picture of the Twin Towers with a big cancel

over it. No. Not this. Everyone's like, oh. That is a funny thing. Because in my mind initially I was like,

okay, well, we try to intimidate. I wonder if they have a good, bad cop with like sex operatives. Like I'm sure there's like prostitutes. Yeah. Who were there,

we didn't kidnap them. But, uh, I think that I'm already taking responsibility. I'm like apologizing for my potential hypothetical joke scenario. But it's like, they, I don't know, I'm assuming these dudes don't get a lot of pussy

because they're like, they're like really religious extremists. So like, do we ever try to have like a big titty woman suck them off and look their butto? No, it's the same thing with, they're essentially school shooters. Yeah. They have the same energy, probably the same like search history. Yeah, yeah. You know, so we got to treat them that same way. But speaking of terrorism, I don't know if you saw Hamas just released like 12 more hostages.

Oh, okay. And they're all like super old women. Yeah, they keep kidnapped old ladies. Hamas, look, this is me saying it. You guys are fucking pussy. How would you kidnap like a grown man? Yeah, yeah, exactly. I've seen Israeli dudes.

They're fucking badass. Take one of those. Especially since like, I understand a young, supple woman. Yeah, but like kidnapping an old lady. An old lady does nothing. But one of the women was, uh, she was 84 years old. She's still alive, 84 years old. I say 84 years young.

Yeah, dude. She was a mother. of 20. Jesus. Yeah. So maybe like a lot of those women were just kept hostage in her massive uterus. That's the cave everyone's talking about. Well, that's, yeah, it is funny.

I was talking to somebody else about this because there is like a level of anti-Semitism that's going on. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's like, it's like, it's not even like the, you know, the racism and stuff and white supremacy that was talked about during like the insurrection and stuff. That was all, like, people on Twitter or whatever. This is, like, news outlets.

Yeah. And, like, like, real media powerhouses being openly anti-supporting. Oh, yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. And it's like, by the way, I've said this. I do not take any side on the Israel about, like zero. And I'm going to go ahead and defend my indifference being good because it's like, look, first off, you don't want me on your side.

I am the boner podcast guy. You do not, any political agenda, I'm going to make whatever you think. That's a good point. way fucking works. That's a very good point. You don't want, people wouldn't want you. So you being like against them actually helps.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I take Christianity side, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I take the actual religion. The correct one. Yeah, yeah. But it's like, it's like,

and also caring about something has caused worst problems. Now you have like anti-Islamic people. You have anti-Christian people. Me, not, I've done nothing to, and what do you think I'm going to fix the fucking problem? Maybe. I don't think so.

Maybe it could. Howdy. We're almost done. Hey. Are you going to be able to sneak through there? Yeah. We measured this perfectly. The moment of truth.

Oh, wait, no, there's a wire on that side. You can't do that. There's a wire right there. Oh, you walk it over it? Okay. Oh, there we go. That was a fucking maneuver. Beautiful.

Marriage between a man and a woman. Now you have to credit him on the podcast. Yeah, Alephins Charles on the podcast. Yelling into the camera. marriage is between a man. I don't know if the mics are going to pick that up. No, but maybe your boy packs can mix in a little camera audio on that. There's enough audio of Alan saying marriage is between a man and woman.

You could show up for life. Go to the archives for that one. But yeah, yeah, it's like there's no possible thing that I am going to do to help this. Yeah. Like there's zero thing. People are like, oh, you could send money. It's like, no, I don't want to be involved. I, yeah, yeah.

It would be pretty fun to be a terrorist, I think. Yeah. I want to believe it's something. It feels good to have like a little thing. Because dude, if you, a hundred percent believe that what you're doing is right, which I've never. I've helped an old lady out.

I'm like, I don't know. What if she's like fucking going to, I don't know. Murder a bunch of people after this. Like I, the littlest thing. I'm like,

I don't know. Yeah, you never know. But like if you're 100% sure what you're doing is right and it's going to benefit you in the afterlife. And then you and your pals just to get in a van. And then like, blow some shit up.

Oh my God. That's the best. You're like, more than a feeling. You're just got to look at everybody. Just looking around. Like, this is it, baby. This is it. Yeah.

Yeah. Living on something. More than a feeling. I put my best. You're like lighting sticks in bombs. Just get ready to just drive it through it to the fucking church or whatever. Oh,

the beer. Fuck it. I put on my best pair of sandals for this. Damn. Yeah, that's pretty sweet. Yeah, that is a, that's got to feel really nice. Yeah, because as I said, there's literally nothing. Like, if I help out an old lady, I'm like, I don't know, what if this was time wasted

that I could have helped a young lady? Yeah, yeah, that's true. More time on earth. Yeah. Have you ever, like, broken up a fight or anything? No. I've tried to. I pull my pants down.

And I was like, I try to stop a fight. I've done that a couple times. And people just beat the shit of themselves while my weaners out. No way. I thought it would be like enough of a distraction to make everybody laugh. Yeah. And then. Well, you just.

you just pull your cock out? Mostly, sometimes I cop it, but I've done full ween out to try to stop a fight. I'm like, this is like a good solution. Is it with people you know or like random?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like out of ball. It's all dudes. I'm not like exposing my cock at a woman. I pictured you on like a subway platform. Hey, guys, settle down. Yeah. Hey!

But it's amazing. Then people just literally beat the shit out of each other when my balls are hanging out. And it's just not even a thought in their head. No. And the sight of a fight, too. Your balls are probably like shriveled up and your penis is retracting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it does not get my big card. Yeah, that's no good. But we're, by the way, we're about at an hour. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, news from... There's just a lot of sound going on in the background, and I'm like, this is just going to get more. I'm sure he can work on editing it out.

Check out News from Bed, the podcast on YouTube. Just News from Bed on YouTube. And Patty is funky on Instagram. Check that. And then, yeah, also this, we're going to record a news from bed right after this. Yeah, yeah. It's also funny too

because it's like I love having it on my podcast. I think you're a great guest but I wish people could understand the background that goes into me how I have the same people all the time. It's like I ask so many people

and it's like my schedule is wild I'm like can you podcast at 2 p.m. And most of our friends have day jobs and it's like I also don't have a place. I'm like yeah, you want to come deep to wherever I'm staying and set up a podcast. So it's like I would love to mix it.

I'm gonna in the future mix it up more with guests. For sure. Not that I don't love having you on but I'm like, you know, I have like no black people in this pot. And it's not intentional. I'm just like, it's like a lot of people don't answer or it's like too far out here. Well, I get the same issue.

I end up getting the same people because they're the ones who are like my friends who want to come out. Yeah, but every single person I ask that like I can't do it. Yeah, there's people that want to do. But it's like you got to find, I got to be able to podcast at like 6 p.m. specifically. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's tough, dude. But you know, you just got to get through it.

Yeah. He's going to keep pushing and then once the feet crowd finds you, dude, then everyone follows, dude. It's like, it's like that up, that picture of Jesus walking through the sand. There's two sets of footsteps or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just a fuck guy's fucking wet dream. Yeah, yeah. That didn't really make sense.

I was, I was looking for where it could go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is, yeah, I want to thank the foot community. I want to thank Soxmeller for listening. I think Soxmellers is his name. Yeah, Soxmellar. I'll send some dude some socks. You want to send me $10?

I don't got a lot going on my life right now. Dude, maybe that's the news from bed themed socks. Yeah, yeah. At the end of every episode, sign them. Oh, dude. Yeah, yeah. 100%.

And yeah, that's a good idea. I'm trying to think of what other communities I could get in there. I don't know. If there's anybody who likes, uh, yeah, maybe like hair. I'll sell some my hair to some weirdos.

Yeah. I'd send some nails. Yeah. a shape facial hair and just shave. Boy, this is really, this is really

not ending strong. I know in my mind. I'm like, I wanted to hit an hour so I get the algorithm. There you go. It's got to be an arrow because it does better.

And I'm really looking at 58. I'm like, all right, you're talking about to defeat people. Yeah. All right. But we hit it. Yeah, we hit it.

Bye. Good night.