Morning Good - BlueChew Intervention - Episode 224

Episode Date: June 9, 2024

Paddy Defino and Matt Bowman return for today's episode. They talk about prison friends, the rise and fall of Ron Jeremy, and Matt and Paddy's pride parade hang-ups.Thanks to Paddy and Matt for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes and hit their links down below for more.Paddy is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and make sure to keep up with new episodes of News From Bed on YouTube. Matt is on Instagram as well @mattbowmancomedy and also hosts the podcast Matt Bowman is Bothered.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, yeah. Welcome to morning. Three, two, one. Blastoff. We're here with Patti DeVino. Hey.

And Matt Bowman. Whoa. That was my ex's, like, favorite, or at least favorite thing about it. me podcasting. She's like, you always do just the lamest voice. Like, hey. Guys, it's time to start the show. That was what she didn't like the most about you? That's why we broke up. Oh, yeah.

Nothing that was not the content of any of the podcast. It'd be so funny, too, if I, like, came back to her and it was like, the first thing I was like, welcome to the morning good pot. How's that? Like, I'm just trying a different voice. I'm like, can we... How are you doing today? Welcome to the morning good. Welcome to the morning good.

We got lots of jokes. These are all home runs. Let's start over. No, no, no, no. What are you talking about, dude? We're doing it. It's so funny, too, because I had so much fun doing that that I checked to make sure the mics are plugged in. I was like, well, we want to make sure I didn't lose that gold right there.

Yeah. You can't recreate that. No, no, no. It's lighting in a bottle. Dude, I had the most embarrassing thing happen at work the other day. It's like time a year for my, like, evaluation. And I guess, like, you're supposed to, wait, is that a signal? Yeah.

What did you do? To hold up high on the mic. The listeners can't even. They comment on my video all the time. They're like, hey, should these guys hold the microphone higher? The person should change my middle name to hold the microphone closer. Hold the microphone. Michael good.

Yeah. So what did you said? It was time for your annual prostate exam or something? Yeah, annual like evaluation, which I hadn't done. I haven't done at all. I really hate to cut you up. Has anybody ever told you your facial? hair is kind of Chinese. Yeah.

Okay. I'm sorry. I had to say what was on my mind. Was that your evaluation? Yeah. To tell you, they're like, your facial hairs look a little. Yeah, I got a raise. But they, like, I haven't done it for like three years.

And they're like, it's something you're supposed to do every single year and like tell them to do it. So either way, I'm like way behind. And I reminded my boss. I was like, hey, can we like do my evaluation? And he's like, yeah. And at one point during the day, he came back and walked over to my desk and started talking to me about, like, my performance and stuff. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, just like, whenever we got to do this thing to sit down, he's like, okay, great.

And he walks away. And I realized the entire time I had my fly down. And it was just fucking just wide open. And we're talking. Oh, did you have like, like, it was like you had like the equivalency to pussy lips, but with your boxers. with my like dress shirt, which it's like a blue little like,

and all of your answers just like, yeah, I've really think I've been crushing it recently. Like I'm really on top of it. I'm really put together recently, you know? Literally my third year with my fly is down. I have neo pets pulled up on my computer. So you're pretty good, right? Yeah.

$20,000 rate. Perfect. Yeah. The shirt tuck that thing is so funny because it's like such a weird. It's like almost like you want there to be an optical illusion that your shirt stops it? Like, it's such a weird thing. Yeah. Just belts in general. That's like the one thing that made it over from the pilgrims.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all that belt action. Yeah, yeah. I always thought it was funny about the pilgrims that they're like, what do we put on our hat and they're like a belt? Yeah. It's also weird to think about like, what do we put on our shoes? Belts. Belts. Yeah. Well, it's funny too to think about like your hat, like, I get, that is the equivalency of like a, I don't know, it's like, Like, are they adjusting the size based on that? Is that how it works? Yeah. Well, if they get an idea, they have to loosen it.

Yeah. Because I'm just thinking of like... That's actually where the idea for the electric light bulb came from. Was the guy who got an idea. And it was just... His belt was so tight. The light bulb shot out of his head. Well, it's also got to be like...

I don't know. I'm just picturing like, there had to be somebody that looked fucking so stupid with... Because I ever see a guy with, like, giant pants, but he's got a belt on. He's like, the pants work because I got a belt. And you're like, the pants don't wear. The pants are too fucking big for you. Yeah. It looks like Santa's like sack of toys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to be that guy, dude. Well, for years, dude, I'd wear pants and I'd get fat. And then the buttons would pop off and I would want to keep the pants. So I would just have pants. For like a year, I had like five pairs of pants and no buttons on. Just a belt hanging. No, no, no.

There wouldn't be a belt because it was just, I was just fat. So I thought that they fit. So like I was basically like rocking like skinny jeans basically. Whoa. But I was just bursting out of my clothes. You got to have like a real ass because your ass has to like almost support the pants on. Dude. I think it was just my, I had a reverse ass where my belly was supporting the pants

this way. Oh, damn. Clothes undud. And it was just like, dude, if my shirt came up, my pubs are just hanged. Yeah. Because I'd also free balls. I would just be like, dude, I would just throw pants up. Jesus, dude. Yeah. And I, and I wouldn't, like, it was what I was relationship to? And I just, wouldn't even notice that people were like, dude, you're, you got to, what's going on? Yeah. I just, I don't, I don't like wearing little shorts under my shorts. Doesn't make sense to me. That's like a porn guy set up. You know, and like the woman. goes to the pants in a porn. And there's like, there's like basically like

a little thing, it's like, whof. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, the pants are not even, there's nothing going on under that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just waiting for someone to grab your dick. Yeah.

Dude, I have a fear, like, of that, of like, losing your pants. Well, I've been starting to, just starting, like, recently. I've been just, when I pissed, just like, going through the barn door, just like, not even undoing it,

just like going straight through. That's crazy. No, dude, I like it. Okay. But, because it's efficient. But I do have a fear of zipping your dicko. No, that I'm going to forget to put my penis back in my pants.

And I'm just going to walk out of the bathroom and be like, hey, what's up, guys? Yeah, yeah. I think your cock is out, actually. I feel like I would be that guy. That's something that would happen to me. And then I, my biggest fear is, like, becoming a sex offender by, like, weird thing, like, peeing by a school or something like that because it's like, nobody's going to believe you or anything.

You're always, like, near a school, too. Like, when you're outside, you're always, like, with, you're always, like, with thin earshot of a child. I peed on my way to a date recently because I was in my head, I was like, oh, if I show, she knows I've taken Bluetooth before. And so I was like, okay, well, if I go straight to the bathroom at the date, she's going to think I'm taking a Bluetooth. So I got to pee

before the date. Right. So I'm just like over, and so I'm just peeing on the sidewalk, but then people are walking by and you're like, you're peeing rock hard in front of a school. Normally you try to get really close to the corner, but you actually have to step back because you're like, this is medical. Yeah, sorry guys, yeah.

See if I can make it on the swing set. Well, because what's the lead time for Blue Choo to kick in? Dude, I was, look, I'm taking a step back from Blue Chil. Yeah. As I say, my producer wanted to give me a Blue Choo intervention. He's like, I really, are you okay? It sounds like every episode you're talking about taking some BCs. And, uh, you see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Before Choo. Those were the times. Anything before, uh, what was it, 1970, whenever Vigra was in that. I'm just taking a sabbatical from Blue Choo. Like, I don't know, you're just taking, I'm taking a step back. back. It's actually called Sedata Phil. What? Isn't it called Sadatifil?

Yeah, it's like Sildana Phil. Phil. Your dad can fill me. Hey, I'm here. There we go. All right. We're riffing. But one of them like, so one of them, it's like, like, two hours to kick in, but it lasts like two days. So I fucking doubled. That was like, I'll take one. Just case I have sex tomorrow and then one. And then I know whatever this girl sounds, she's like, I'm really depressed. I don't think we're going to have sex tonight.

But aren't, are you like for two days of that at like a hair pin trigger to It just fucking... Dude, I always say this. It's better to have a gun and not need to use it than that. It's the same with boners. Yeah.

I've taken blue juice a bunch, never had sex. But I go, you know what? That's better than me. You know, I'm the hardest guy

on this train right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And does it... So it just, it helps you get hard. It doesn't... Why, you... Say it like a man.

It helps you get hard, but it doesn't help you come, right? No, it actually does the opposite makes you last longer. What? Because your dick's like kind of numb. Uh-huh.

Yeah, it's just like a mallet. It was just like a boom, boom. Damn, dude. Just really going to town. Is there anything that just makes you, like, come, like, buckets? Yeah, there's a thing. I saw Chey Doreena advertising it. I like how I always, I always...

Is it like a powder? Like, what is it? I think it's like a pill. You just take it, just gives you fat. Whoa. If the diagnosis was to just drink, like, 20 gallons of milk, I'd rather that. Then that take one pill? Yeah, because the one pill, it's like, is it, like, taking something from my...

That's a good point. Yeah, yeah. Where's it getting? You know what it is? You probably need to drink a bunch of water and then the pill converts the water to come. And it just blows up like one of those dinosaurs. It's just a big thing

of gum in your stuff. You're like, no, you have to shit the cum, but it's so much. And then you suck it up with the tip of your penis. Yeah, you're like, all right, baby, I'm about to come. And then you cut it up into like line. you just snort it with the tip of your dick, yeah.

Yeah, then you have to like ramrod it, like an old musket, just like down in your fucking cock. Oh, yeah, you just do it that way, yeah. You funnel it in. You take a straw and you blow cum in your hood dear hood. You know, like when you have a straw and like a glass of water and you like grab the top of it, you pull it out and it falls out. So you have to do and just like, all right, hold it close and then drop it in. Or you drown your dick and gum, like a cup of gum, until it soaks all in like a fucking

like, I don't know what soaks in water, but, like osmosis, it by osmosis, feels, your dick with a sun. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, and you just put a spongy dick and then just squeeze, like, comes out of the side. Yeah, I don't know, who is, like,

I'm really insecure about the size of my loads. Is that something we should now be worried about? Dude, apparently, everybody in porn comments. Like, you ever,

like, you'll see porn comments sometimes where it's just like, oh, she deserves more than that. If she was jerking me off, off. I would give her buckets. And I'm like crazy. You laugh that long

watching pornography. You don't skip to the end sometimes? Occasionally, I guess. But I don't really like the cum shot because it's just like a woman getting come down. Unless it's like a gang band. The moment like, the girl gets some come on her face, then she's fucking another guy. That's fun. Yeah. The moment right after the cum shot is like throw your phone into the wall. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to be looking at that.

Yeah, absolutely. Because she's kind of like realizing like, oh shit, I just did boring. Yeah. Yeah. And the guy's interviewing her. He's like, so, uh, you think you're really. good. There was one girl at a different high school than us, but she, I'm not saying that to save names, but, uh, did you guys go to the same high school? No, no, I'm saying different high school is like me, the high school I went to. Us is, I just, I'm speaking to my listeners, my fellow Winter Park high school graduates. By the way, all of you that are still alive and not in jail, actually

I'm friends of the one guy on jail on Facebook. If you're listening to this, that's actually pretty sick. Yeah, I guess. Shout out Guantama Banks. That's his name. That's his name on Facebook, yeah. It's a great name. I don't know if I should beep that, whatever. No, no. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't even know if he listened. He's probably not the only one. In jail listening? Named Quantano.

Dude, I got another friend in jail who's like, dude, you should figure out there's a jail app you can put your podcast on. I'm like, dude, that might be my demographic. It's just guys in prison. And then you just have to be like Elvis and perform a live podcast.

Dude, that's such a funny idea. If you ever get to do a live prison podcast, you have to bring like just strippers to stand behind us or something. Oh, yeah. Did he have the name Guantanamo Banks before he went to prison? No, that's just his Facebook name. Oh.

Yeah, but it's these six pictures. Every picture of him for the last, like, couple years, just him in prison going like... Oh, hell yet. He's manifesting through his name. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I assume this is... Now I'm worried I'm going to get killed.

It should be fine, right? Oh, dude. Not, dude, I know a guy named... Yeah, I know a guy who's in Riker... Fuck. I had a thing. I was trying to make a thing with Riker gang, but it's stupid. Just start putting it on that jail app, like,

late, like after this episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you can still listen to it because he's on Facebook. Oh, God. Well, no, I meant for the rest of the prisoners. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a good idea. Imagine we put a, we did a jailhouse thing where we just like rat it on everyone. What do you mean? Like everyone that was in prison. Oh, yeah. We just like totally ratted all their secrets. Yeah. But, um, I don't know why. Some people, the jail is their body. body. What the fuck are you talking about? Trans rights, dude.

Yeah. Oh, my bad. My bad. My bad. Seriously, dude. In this month, it's about time we address. Thank God. My favorite thing ever.

Come on. Gay stuff. No, the pride stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like we have similar thoughts on pride, right? I have a problem. I just don't like large groups of people in any context doing anything. I don't like if they're, I really don't.

I fucking hate, which is hilarious living in like one of the most congested cities in the world, but like I hate it. But what about large groups of people dressed as sex slaves? Yeah. That's a little. I just avoid the whole area. I just don't go whenever it's just like the parades today, I'm like, well then I guess I know where I'm not going today.

Like it's just, I have, I do, I don't give a fuck. Everybody do, but like, I don't need your cock in my face. on 6th Avenue. We all need different things. There's Maslow's hierarchy. Mine is your cock in my face. Yours might be a family. Yeah.

But, you know. Ryan Long has a great joke about that where he's like, he's like, I don't think being gay is a choice, but I think being super gay is absolutely a choice. Or he's like, I hope it's not a choice. I hope you don't have to like, you wake up every morning and have to put on an I'm a cum slave shirt. Yeah.

Like, I hope that that's not like built into your DNA. Yeah. Yeah. No, I get it, though, but we've, we've had debates on this before. We did a... I don't even... Not a debate, we should have different... Yeah, yeah. I like...

I understand why people like it. Yeah, yeah. I'm nothing... I'm like the one straight guy who loves flamboy and gay guys. It's just a colorful thing. It's very entertaining. Yeah. Well, I just think it's like, it's not even gay anymore.

Now it's like everything but straight, you know? You say that, but I'm going to go there and for sure try to get some bisexual pussy this year. Yeah. Well, you mean, yeah, straight women. that are masquerading as bisexual? No, I believe in their journey very much. I'm a strong ally. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I imagine if, like, guys had experiences like that in college. Dude, there are some that dude, bro. I used to drive this, I used to drive for Uber and this gay guy. He'd be like, I fucking blew a guy in that fraternity house and that fraternity house. Yeah. I've known if he was being legit, but he's like, oh, yeah, I've sucked guys dixon, your fraternity, too. And I'm like, give me names. He's like, I'll never say names.

And he just drives the car. Yeah. No, no, I was rebranding. Which, like, to me, that's something like is, like, the one of the only other contexts is when, like, the cops are just like, give up your source. And they're like, I'll never tell. Never, because it's fun to be secretive and gay as shit. But there's, like, it's not, like, a common thing for, like, a group of straight guys to be like, like,

because, you know, like, girls will just, like, take pictures where they're, like, kissing each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, what'll be gay pictures, dude. I was in somebody's wedding. We took all these pictures to me, my friend, like, it was, like, a photo booth. We made it look like we were getting caught, like having sex, which is very funny. Yeah, but it's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Girls, they're not funny with the kisses. No, no, no. There's one girl, like, in front of, like, a box, like, a girl's, like, snatch just like, like that would be funny. Well, dude, that's the other, like, I think some of my, like, it's, by the way, this is why it's, sorry, I hate to catch up. That's why it's very fun and I have girls's podcast. I like, it's fun to just let your, and same with, okay, I don't intentionally not have black guys on, but it's fun to just talk about other groups. But it's fun to not. I'm just going to start scooting further and further this way.

It's fun to talk about other groups, just and be as, like, just share all of our ideas and just get them all the way out there instead of just like this kind of like, what are your thoughts on being black? You know, it's kind of fun to just be like, hey, this is what I fully think about it now that I'm not hesitating with any thoughts and say with women. Yeah. They're a great guest too, but. Well, because you were saying, like, her face was just like right next to her box or whatever. I think that like some of the, it just gets the stuff during, just gets out of control

sometimes. Like I remember last year Clyde Mack, who is a fellow New York comedian, shows up to the pair and is just like, dude, you got to see this video. And then he shows me a video that he took 30 seconds before on the corner of West 3rd and 6th Ave, where

a woman got up on the hood of another car and just started eating out another woman. And an entire crowd came around and was like, yeah. And part of me is like that's super cool but the other part of me is just like

I don't think that should be going on and public where you do. You guys are both turning into adult white man. Make a good. You guys are the biggest room. By the way,

I am going to be the sad old guy who's like, I'm still rock and roll and people are like Michael, you're gross. These are the two, you guys are going to become dads and like respectable people.

I'm going to be. Yeah, and like six weeks. I'm gonna be the guy. It's like, free love, baby. I just know every empire, the decline starts with this. Sure. You know?

Of course. This is like the beginning of it. And yeah, we're out. We're gone. Yeah, but what are we gonna stop the, you know? But it's also, empire is also, a sign of a decline. It's also like, it's all good things, though. Because it's always, people are always like, oh, a decline of empire is like, you know, orgies and, like,

people having, you know, chefs become celebrities. I'm like, yeah, but that is a, something that is something that are good things. That is cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's cool. Yeah. Society gets so good that chefs become kings and you eat pussy on cars. Yeah, right. Yeah. It's pretty sick. Yeah, yeah. You guys can also bounce back. This isn't a... No, I just don't like it. I just think about, like, kids. Like, I don't want my kids

seeing that. I know, like, I don't like... It should be illegal in New York City. Yeah, I agree with that. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, there are times where, like, I'll be around the pair, like, in Greenwich Village at like 1 a.m. on a Thursday night and then like a family will walk by. I'm like, what the fuck are you guys doing? Yeah. Like go to what do you get out of here? Like this is not appropriate, dude. Maybe Jewish kids though, because they're kind of like, bro. You can do whatever you want to a Jewish kid and they'll be the same person. That's kind of a good boy. You could literally

take a Jewish kid and put on hours of like pro wrestling and like get him, try to get him to take his yarmulke off. And then put like a lamp under him that like speeds up, like put him on the beach of old and he will look like any one of these guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing is going to make him not a Hasidic Jewish kid. Yeah. And also no bedtimes must be in the fucking Talmud. Because you drive through Williamsburg at like 2 a.m.

Yeah. There's just, it's just a party. Yeah. And then like every single like Hasidic Jewish guy is like walking around. They're always on like a flip phone talking to somebody. And I'm like, who are they talking to? Well, they do. They do hard business, which is sick as hell to.

Yeah. They're just using like a fucking Nokia from. like 2005 and they're just like no you do not get in I can't do it yeah yeah yeah that was fucking Bobby Lee yeah yeah no I was do business with me a me another order of yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it sounds like Korean jesus yeah that's fun yeah they uh I don't know they kind of fit in the city unlike like like a lot of different people well I just it's funny too because they they came here after the Holocaust Yeah, but it feels like they've just always been.

Like, in my mind, it feels like... Oh, yeah. Like, I feel like we've been lied to about history, and the Lakota... It's Lakota, right? Lakota. La Nopa. Yeah, Lanapa. La Napa.

Whatever. Yeah, Lakota is in Ohio. The Sonapa tribe, whatever it is, fucking... So Napa Grill, whatever these native guys were... I feel like that was all a lie, and really the city was just built by his city Jews from, like, medieval times that came over. There's a whole, like, other side to it. Because they just look...

I don't know, it's weird to, like... How does it work? like did the Holocaust happen? Is that what Jews dressed like? And then they came over here. See, this is why it's fun to not have people of other, because it's fun to speculate. For us to just bullshit. Yeah, try to figure it out.

Yeah, it does seem like some of them like snuck onto the Mayflower. Yeah. And, like, kind of got some fashion tips. What they're talking about? I'm pilgrim. That is actually a good, like, I feel like Jews, their highlight reel is like pre-history, like Old Testament shit and then Jesus. Yeah.

And then I feel like you don't really hear about them. until like, what, 1915, like when they're coming over on Ellis, like it goes, David, Jesus, Ellis Island. Like, what was going on with them for that amount of time?

People were probably killing them, that's for sure. Just lurking in the shadows. Yeah, just setting things up, pulling strings. They've been building tunnels for a while. There's an underground world. That's actually how they got over. They didn't even take a ship. They just tunnel all the way,

the Atlantic Ocean, dude. If we looked underground, like, there might be some very interesting, That's a very funny thing. Just digging. Just digging for Jews. Like when, when, it's not a bad way.

You used to be thinking to China. Yeah. I'm thinking to Jerusalem. When James Cameron goes down to the bottom of the Marianas trend, she just sees some guy with the curls just like, oh. It's like on a typewriter. Hello?

Is it payroll already? Do you have an appointment? Dude, the idea of like a city guy. It's so stuffy in here. Can somebody please? At the bottom of the ocean. I also like the idea. of all of them like underwater like looking like like like aquaman like they have like these like

spheres over their head if you took that garb off they're just chiseled yeah they also have gills yeah that's why whenever it floods like they just don't answer the phone they're like just swim it just breathe under the water yeah what this problem yeah what this problem because they don't have electricity. So, like, it's just swim time for them. Yeah, dude, my ex lived in a place that got, like, a place. I mean, she luckily got, like, a huge discount on rent. Yeah.

But her shit got, like, fucked up. Yeah. Built with, like, a base, like, those basements right around here that get fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Our old basement, you said, we had, like, six inches of water. Yeah, yeah. I don't understand some of these, like, first, not even first floor, but, like, basement, bottom floor,

apartments, like, even when it rains. And, like, I'll see, like, like, water like running down the steps. I'm like does that, is that not causing damage? Like, where's that water going? Like, it's got to be going in that building. Usually, like, there's a little drain or something down there. Sure. It's just not prepared for anything. I say

it's all the fucking time. They're always just like, like, it snows here, and it fucks the city up every time. It rains here. It fucks the city up every time. Yeah. It can't it. It's just budget. It's just money. Oh, yeah. If it rains for more than three hours, it's just like, oh, by the way, none of the trains work. Yeah.

Oh, great. Amazing. Amazing. Awesome. To fix, like, the infrastructure in all of New York City, which they would never do. No, of course not. Like, they would never even touch the Bronx or like. It's kind of like we go to a restaurant and the services shitty, but they're like, we're not going to fix that. Like, you're going to keep coming back here. You're not going to boycott McDonald's. We'll be back in a week.

Hundreds of billions of dollars to improve at like 10%. Yeah. It's like, so there's just no, there's no budget. And if they did try to fix it, I would complain that they were trying to fix it. Yeah. I'd be like, oh, so you what, do you're going to try to fucking fix it at? when I'm trying to go to work or what, you know? If they really, like, fixed everything,

it would take, like, 20 years of just, it's sucking to live here. Yeah, you know. If they kicked every, okay. Well, I also complain when they do it, I'm like, are they really doing construction on this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, nothing is noticeable.

Like, when they're doing track repairs, it's like they're doing that to prevent, like, further things, but, like, there's no noticeable difference, you know, it's not going to change. I'll say this. Have you guys ever, it's only happened, like, one time here. but have you ever gotten to drive like on a road that they paved

like the day before? Ooh, it feels nice. It is erotic. Yeah. Because like especially like you're going from like the kunk, kukkum, kukum, kukkum, and then like it just gets quiet in your car and you're like, oh, whoa, this is great. You guys are real dead.

You like, I feel that too, but you guys are real. You're like, yeah. When that road gets freshly paved and you don't feel like. You almost feel like happy for the car. Yeah. You're like, hey man, this is free. you. It's like switching out the bowl of dog food with some pedigree.

Yeah. You deserve it, my guy. You've been through a lot. Yeah. Cars are dogs. I guess so. That's the moral of the story. Yeah.

Somebody say something. I will watch. I watched a fucking, I've been watching Alien versus Predator movies. Isn't there's more than one? There's two. And they are fucking garbage. Okay. So there's Alien versus Predator.

And then there's what? Alien versus Predator Requiem. Okay. Which made by a different game. It feels really weird because Alien vs. Predator. Look, if you're listening, Michael, you got to hold the mic. Thank you.

The only reason I did it because I was not. Yeah, I saw you do earlier. I was like, I'm just going to let him fucking do that. Yeah. Well, that's crazy that you say that because, like, I was actually on the train here and, like, I was in, like, the last car and it was actually, like, oddly super, super full.

And the weirdest thing was is that everybody on the train was just talking about how cool you are. Oh, hell yes. You just fucking got him. Yes. Yes. Suck my fucking dead. That was great, dude.

I was literally showering earlier. I was like, I was going to pull this fucking break at some point of the podcast, but you fucking be, dude, if I can sneak in a fucking second one on them, dude. I was hoping that you were not going to be upset that I did it. Yeah,

so, but listeners, I've just been doing this to everybody. It's the dumbest prank. I fucking love it. It's so much fun. It's not really a prank. It makes them feel good.

Yeah, for a second. For a second. And then they realize, so what you do is like, half a New York conversations are describing a place. So it's like, hey,

do you know that fucking, that place by the brain? there's like an ice cream shop because everybody just is defund. So you find a place somebody you think knows about. And you go, yeah, it was just over there.

And really? Oh, yeah, everybody was just talking about how cool you are. And for a second, you believe it. And then you go, wait,

that's not what was that. That's not. That's not. That's not what was that. But you were actually saying something and I cut you off. I'm sorry. I was talking about it.

Oh, you're probably, Alien versus Predator. Yeah, I mean, it was fucking garbage movie. But like the, it's one of the... If it was just like a, it was like Kevin Spacey

versus like an illegal immigrant. Get it? Yeah, I know. I think I also pulled this prank with you the other day where I was joking like, hey, what if I made a meme? Because everybody's made that meme a thousand times like the face and the...

Oh, with Kevin Space. Yeah, or just pre. Every time somebody gets me to, they do predator and they're like... Yeah. Some innocent man's face on there. He's coming back, though. Well, I've seen...

I've seen videos of him where he's just like, yeah, I want to... to come back and work and a lot of the stuff that was said about me wasn't true and nobody seems to give a shit. And I'm like, I kind of agree with you, but I'm also just like, I actually don't give a shit either. Like, I felt myself feeling bad, but then I'm like, why? I don't. Well, that's the hardest part when somebody gets accused of any sort of crime, especially a sex crime is like you, the second you start defending them. Yeah. It's, it's the win is very low.

Yeah. So the win is like, uh, because I used to do this with fucking. Louis with people. I just argue people all the time. Be like, I didn't think what he did was that bad and the story's blown out of proportion. And then I'm like, there's no win today. I was like, yeah, you're going to turn that person's opinion and be like, no, actually, Louis's an upstanding guy. Like, the person who's arguing with you,

like, they're not changing their mind. Totally. Yeah, and I think that one was like weird too, where it was like, I was like, oh, I heard the story's more complicated than people. I wasn't even like, what do you do is no. I was like, I hear it's more. Well, then I also, yeah, and I was also just like, I, if somebody's just like, hey, I don't like Louis C.K. because of what happened,

I'd be like, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, no, I completely understand that. I'm the same exact way. I had more of an issue with, there were people that, like, now acted like his material was like,

I was like, I was like, I've been doing that joke for always. So I was like, I've said this to people, I was like, if you think what he did is gross, that's totally fair.

Yeah, but it is different when people were like, and then he made jokes on Mount Parkland. Yeah, all right, well, that's... So you haven't watched him for 20 years?

Like, what the fuck are you talking about? But either way, I think with defending people, It's like the fucking like the outcome is not ever really worth. You start like arguing on somebody's behalf. So it really sucks basically if you do get accused of something you didn't do because nobody's going to defend you. Yeah, he should lean into it. Spacey?

Yeah, I'm thinking a... Bring some boys over here. A spin-off. He is a son of an accident. He plays out, what's his name on House of Cards? Frank Underwood. Frank Underwood. He should put some boys into my wood.

FU. By the way, I walked into Michael's room the other day. He was under wood if, you know, you catch one for it for it. Fucked in the ass? Me? Underwood. I have no idea what you're... Did you walk in and I had a boner?

No. Not, dude, you're just fucking gay. Oh, okay, okay, yeah. But he should have a... I'll be honest, I blacked out this weekend. I am kind of like, did I walk out and I was Farming naked or something? Dude, if this entire podcast was Patty cracking

himself up at your expense, I would just sit here and watch it forever. But what he should... Space he should do is do a spinoff show of office space called Office Spacey where he's that boss, that like Cunty kind of like, hey, boss guy, but he's just... You could just suck my

penis. He's just sexually assaulting everyone in the office. Dudes too. Yeah, dudes too. Well, actually, that was... That was his thing. Yeah, that was his thing. Hey, Peter, if you could come by the cubicle and just lick my anus. Yeah, that'd be great.

He's like, he doesn't even do anything, but he keeps saying it. Like you're, it's like when you're, it's the, you have the exact same reaction of when your boss is just like scheduled. It's like a 4.45 meeting. You're like, yeah, I can lick it. But like, do I have to suck your balls too? Yeah, yeah.

And he's like. And they should get that girl from Madman, Christina Hendrix. Oh. She's just got absolute bappers. Wow, dude. Yeah, she does. Those fucking tight dress. I just laughed up.

Fuck, that's disgusting. I just laughed up mucus from my life. Ugh. Damn, dude. Who's turning into an old dad? now. That's a fun thing, though, when you cough up some mucus and you get to swallow it back down. We're not

focusing on this. I always thought that the human body gives you so many things to entertain yourself. One, most is the most entertaining the penis. Yeah. But what comedians said, I was, I think he may have been Cosby. Somebody said

some joke about that. He's like, I was so poor. If I wasn't a boy, I have nothing to play with. Oh, yeah, I'll just play with my navel. Oh, navel. Yeah. evil, maple. Bill Cosby, by the way,

separate the art from the artist, okay? Finally, someone said it. Listen to his albums. He's the best. Himself is fucking phenomenal. I was put on the Fat album movie

because the, our roommate's always like, whatever I said his name. I don't know. I'm not a good telmets in here. Dude, docks him. Yeah.

Straight up. But I was like, he's like, you can put anything you want on the TV. It's like, really? Yeah. And so I was like,

let me find the worst thing I could put on it. So just put on like the 2004 Fat Albert movie. Yeah, man. And it was, Yeah, I tried to do the same thing to him. Really?

He was like, put on anything. I was like, okay, so I put on like the shittiest movie ever, and I just sat there on the couch and I was like, you said anything? And then like, he didn't even react. And after a while, I was like, well, this fucking sucks. Well, this, yeah, this movie actually sucks. And you're not playing along. I'm not doing this because he doesn't even, he just sees like, he's like a dog watching

everything's black and white. Everything's just like scan lines and he just stands. It's funny that you say that because he came over. to my apartment the other day. And Michael was there too. You were invited. Yeah, well, I wasn't invited until it was like too late. I guess that's true.

Wait, no, what happened? I was like, I guess Jake was supposed to tell me. Yeah. He was supposed to invite me. I told him earlier, like, pretty early in the day. Yeah, and he walked out of his room at like 6 o'clock, and I was like in the middle of doing laundry. Yeah. And he's like, but Michael texts me.

I go, hey, where are you? I heard you're invited this thing. And I was like, I was like, Jake, Are you supposed to invite me? It's like, oh, yeah, you're invited. I'm not going to go now. But it's funny because my wife, when Jake, after Jake left, she was just like, did Jake have a good time?

And I was like, yeah, I think he did. And she was like, wow, he really looks like he's not having a good time. A hundred percent. Like every single, and he, yeah, like, he's just like, yeah. My favorites, I walked by his room one time, and he's just drinking coffee, staring at a white wall. And I'm like, I think he's a black coffee too. Yeah, one day, is he here today?

No, I think he's in Florida. What? Oh, okay. For what? I don't want to go into it. Okay, that's fine. Personal stuff. Okay.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The one day I saw him walk out and he did like a, he's like, hey, and did like a move. And I was like, is he going to kill him? Yeah. It's like too much to, you know? That is true. He will get in like 30-second bouts of extreme silliness. Yeah.

Do you know how long he's in Florida? Florida? I think for like a couple more days. Okay, I'm going to try to really have sex in that room then because he, I don't know, he's just, he always listens it. He's got a nice room? Not intentionally, he's just, he's against the wall

so it's like, he's like, no, it's totally fine. I'm like, it doesn't feel totally fine. Yeah, because you know he's just sitting there silently, like staring at the white wall. He's one of those guys that I feel like, just like sharpening like a long sword. Yeah. I just, I feel like

One of those guys, too, were like, I, you ever feel like you're such a retard that when you're around somebody's smart, you feel like you're just bugging him? Yeah. That's not, I feel with him. I'm like, I do like something stupid, like fart on the couch. And I'm like, oh, he probably hates that I fart on the couch. I know he doesn't actually, but in my mind, I'm like, he's such a smart guy. Farts are probably, I'll try to shit outside and box it or something. Smart guys hate farts.

It's just a math equation rolling by his head. It doesn't add up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no. Having a great time did not. I think, dude, I think I was like, I came over from the bars the other day. That's funny because he'll work out so late at night. So I'm just like putting on like kid-cutting music videos.

This is the fucking shit, dude. 2010 me and my buddies smoke weed, drive around to listen to this shit. Well, he's just like shirtless doing like dumbbells here on like a yoga mat. He works out here. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. By the way, that was, I think I told you about this. By the way, I didn't know that you can bomb karaoke.

I bom karaoke. karaoke so fucking bad. It was like, I walk in first off, and I love that everybody's having a good time at karaoke. I thought everybody was just friends. I was like, oh, is this like a work part? They go, no, we're all just strangers coming together to enjoy music until I get on stage.

It is a lot like stand-up. Oh, my God. What songs you go with? I did scars by Poparoach. Okay. But sometimes people get on board. It's like a really emotional song, but I'm like, damn my heart.

But people will be like, oh, okay, he's doing something. I remember this song. Yeah, I try to do songs people will remember, but haven't heard in a while. Yeah. And boy, people will. would look at the stage and then look away. Like people avoided looking at the stage.

Were you trying to like bring him in? Yeah. Oh, totally. I was like, some guy was like sort of singing the song and I got him over and he like awkwardly went up for like a second and song and then went back to his friends. Dude, security comes up. The security comes up.

Just puts his hand on my shoulder with like empathy and then just walks away. I was like, I was like, dude, it felt gross. I've never like, oh my God, especially. And then you're like, I don't think being drunk makes you less embarrassed. Like I felt more embarrassed because like you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, Your perception of reality is a little bit like, does everybody hate me? Yeah, yeah. For sure.

And they did. Did you do a second song? Yeah, yeah, I did. Don't Trust a Ho by 303. Oh, yeah. That's a tough one to say. That is. That 90% of that is falsetto.

Don't trust her. She wants to touch me wow. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah. That one people got back. And then my buddy threw up literally all over himself at the bar, but was trying to act cool, which is so funny because he like, like a baby

where it just kind of like dribbles now. Dude, he washed off like his, he had like someone in his shoes, his shirt and his pants and a little on his face. He washed up, he goes,

yeah, I'm cool, dude. And I was like, no, no, no, you're covered in Bobby goes, I literally, I'm like not even drunk right now.

It's totally fine. Let's just keep hanging out. I was like, dude, you have to go on me. He's like, all right. He's like, fine.

Yeah. Well, even just the smell on that. Yeah, there's no way. Yeah, no, you throw up your, If you throw up outside of your mouth and get some gum, then you're good.

You keep going. You throw up onto your clothes. You're done. You're out of here. Well, I also, like, I don't, I don't know. I think who had a, I think Delia might have had a bit on it or something. But, like, and I'm the exact same way where, like, if I'm out of my home and I throw up in any content, I'm like, oh, I'm done. I am not interested in moving on to another activity.

I am ready to go home. That's good for you. I won't quit. I'll throw gum in my mouth. If I, like, successfully, like, go, like, everything just. one shot, you know, laminar flow for those engineers out there. I don't think it's laminar, but anyway, I, then I'll, like, stay. I'll just, like, get something to drink and wash it down and just, like, stay.

I also haven't, like, thrown up in, like, years. Yeah. The last time I threw up. But you still do drugs. Like, you never done Molly and thrown up? I, like, dry heaved a lot one time, but that was it. That was, like, the worst Molly experience ever. The girl I was with was, like, hallucinating people that, like, weren't there.

Whoa. She was like, yeah, she was like having conversations with people that weren't there and I was just dry heaving. I think we got a bad back.

Dude, the dry heaves are the, because you like feel your stomach like contracting. Yeah. And you're like, oh, dude,

I just realized I threw up on Thursday. Yeah, dude, that were, that artissory chick. I'm throwing. Oh,

that's right. On a Thursday. Dude, I literally just got this artizery chicken. I ate it for breakfast. And then I just like, dude,

I just fucking threw. I knew what it was going on. Well, you ate a rotisserie chicken for breck. I was going to say also, people are common. You've said that, you're strep? You've said that passively,

like, three times in a conversation that I've been a part of, and each time I'm like, that doesn't make any fucking sense at all. I think I had, like, nothing in my fridge besides a rotisserie chicken, and I was like,

I'm just going to eat this in the couch, like a galilee. Yeah, so I woke up yesterday, just started out with lasagna, you know, just as one does, and then I just tied my shoes and went to work.

I mean, It's just kind of how one does. Yeah, it is pretty psychotic. No pants on. Yeah. Just shoots. Well, moral of the story, don't do. My stomach couldn't handle it, dude.

I was like, I just had horrendous diet, like where my legs are hurting diarrhea. Like, I don't know why. I don't know where the nerves, like, from my legs were like, I think my legs could sense the diary was coming. So they were like a clutch. And then I knew it was happening, so I just threw up like a bunch. You get the sweats? Yeah, getting the sweat. And I was worried I had like the flu.

And then my stomach hurt so much that I jerked off to like. distract myself. To neutralize. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I went and did a show and just, like, told them all of this. Because I was like, I was like, I'll be honest. I just threw a portissary chicken jerked off. You guys are the first people I talked to today.

And it worked. Like, for some reason, if I'm like, I feel like, if I'm wildly honest, the people were like, who is this guy? It's kind of fun. Yeah. It'd be like a fantastic set because they're like, this is the, also some people probably didn't even believe it. But they're like, oh, that's funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chicken, jerking off. Like, no, this is actually. Yeah, this is my life. Yeah. The new coffee. Yeah. We're joking about how, like,

Steveo is, like, he's, like, sober and he, like, he's, like, a health, like, he does, like, health things.

He's like, I don't even drink coffee. Because, like, you know, but, like, we were joking around him, you'd be like, no, man,

I don't even drink coffee because it's bad for you. Like, every morning I just staple my balls. To my dog. Like, okay, Steve,

oh, I would love it if he, and RFK were on the same podcast. That would be awesome. I feel like at that point you could like just EQ it enough to where they both sound normal. Yeah, just the exact same. Yeah.

It's like this man is... RFK. He's really devolving. He's like really stressed. It's strange. I don't even know. I got to hear him. Was he?

Okay. I'm an idiot. Well, shirtless pushups can do a backflip. I might vote for him just because he's awesome. So he's Robert Kennedy's son. Yes. Okay, so the guy that got shot in the fucking hotel, that's his dad.

Yeah, yeah. Got it. So his uncle was JFK. Yes. And he says his voice is a vaccine-related injury. It's really funny thinking about, like, just some retarded nurse putting a syringe into his neck. See, that's not where that goes. Wait, so he didn't sound like that?

He didn't sound like that pre, like, 2020? He says he didn't, yeah. There's got to be evidence of that. He sounded like that after he married Cheryl. Yeah. From eating her box. I don't know why why wouldn't he just like

wear a helmet everywhere you know and like body armor oh yeah yeah yeah somebody's gonna assassinate him he's got like a pillow ducted to his chest wait wait what if he had a significantly smaller head

and this is just like a helmet that he's wearing over and he gets shot he goes ha ha ha he just takes it off is Ben Shapiro the entire time he just has like literally like the smallest head known to man

just like a little like like an action but his shoulder shoulders are still the same size. Yeah. Yeah, that is a terrifying thing. Now he's running for president. I like he's fun.

I love him. People, it seems like liberal people really hate him now because he's a person. Who's not liberal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really funny that he's like, they talk more, I don't know, it's funny,

but either way. It was also disgusting. I was realizing this, I think what made me sick too is I was, dude, I was having a weird day. So, like, the Predators, movie, one of the big complaints of this is like it's dark as fuck in the movie and both of them

are black. Like, uh, not ethnic, you know what I'm saying. Um, like alien and predator are black, but it's like, and then the screen's dark. So I have to like watch it in the dark. And I'm just watching all these gooey monster scenes while eating a rotisserie chicken. I think part of that just like disturbed me. That just got into your system. Yeah.

Yeah. It infected you through your eyes. Yes. Yeah, I got in there that way. I, this might not be true, but I thought there was people who like, when they watched media, they would like feel what's going on. It's like a psychological thing.

It's the idea of a guy watching the fucking, yeah. Yeah. Somebody watching the D-Day scene of like, yeah, just like, yeah, somebody watching a sexy movie, just like, oh, yeah. I think, yeah, Jessica,

it's like one of those things that if you have your life is just a living hell. Like that guy and the guy who comes like eternally are just like, favorite guy. Best friend. He gets constant orgasm syndrome.

Yeah. He got struck by lightning apparently. I think he used to put it. That's so, I don't know. What a bad superpower to be. I think it was a lighting,

but he's like, dude, he's fucking like dad's dying and he's like coming while like holding his hand on his like deathbed. Yeah. Or in the hospital.

Does he haven't, he's got to be called like Cumboy or something like that, right? I think at some boy that guy should, now that guy should go to the pride parade. Now that guy would be.

Thank you so much. Yeah. Where's his letter. he would be like for he could be an entire float yeah just put a boat on the street and then then he floats in the come floats in his come that's like what pride is going to be it's going to be a river of cum coming like that they're going to be like okay we got a river of cum ready for fifth avenue and somehow the streets are cleaner afterwards make sure you move your cars before saturday or they're going to be covered in calm I don't know how else to say it dude yeah it

It sucks because that guy, like, I don't know. He, like, people introduce him to his kids. He's just a pervert always, but not intentionally. I would think you'd just kill yourself. Autoerotic expixiation. But then he keeps coming. And then he's worried he's going to drown the people. Like after he dies, he still comes.

Yeah, yeah, he comes. If he dies, he comes always. It's just, it's a closed casket. Does he come just oozing out of the side of the casket? There's a steam coming out. they're calling it ejaculation day yeah it's a nightmare

damn yeah but um where do we go from either way no no no I want to finish talking about these fucking garbage movies but oh yeah that's right yeah so the first one was like entertaining and I was like it felt like a real movie the second one do you ever watch a movie that doesn't feel like a real movie

like it feels like a sci-fi original movie like you watch a side where you're like this isn't it's technically a real movie but it's not really a real movie yeah oh like almost like it's like a fake thing. Or it was like a student film almost? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm watching it. I'm like, dude, I was like, not a single actor in this? Have I seen

anything ever seen this? Which is wild. These are real people. They had a camera and had a call time. Well, dude, if somebody asked you, you want to be an alien versus predator too, you go, that's a real movie. And in mind, you're like, that's technically a movie. Alien is a well-respected movie. Predators will respect a movie. Put them together. I'm a respected. That's

two rights. Don't make it wrong. Yeah. So I would say Biden versus Trump. is a little bit of an alien versus president. I like that, dude. Because Biden is a little bit of a, he's like a, a consciousness sack of,

you know, people choose everything. And then Trump, legal, like, legally speaking, is a predator, right? I think he just,

I think he just fuck somebody and then got, didn't he, wasn't it just hush money? Yeah, wasn't it bussed? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he just fucked Stormy Daniels and then peter to shut up.

Yeah, you can't sexually assault a porn star. Yeah. Yeah, he just doesn't want to. It's like, that doesn't count. That's why Rod Jeremy got away with it for 40 decades. And eventually he grabbed a woman's movie who's not a porn star.

And they're like, you can't do that. 40 decades. Dude, it's crazy. He's like. He's Moses. Yeah. Yeah, he was like raping porn stars like constantly. Yeah, he parted the Red Sea by just laying his dick across.

Yeah. Yeah. The Red Sea, that's just like one of the actresses is on her period. Hello, folks. I'm here. Oh, you're here. Yeah. Thank you.

My brother met him one time. he was I really went to a liquor store this is in high school and then he saw a giant cut out of Ron Jeremy's like what the fuck's like oh he has a liquor brand because he's still here like

oh no he's at the Tijuana Flats which is like a local taco shop and he goes up to me he's like hey man I don't know being an asshole but can I take a picture with you goes you'd be an asshole if you didn't want to take a picture with me

that's awesome that guy's cool in my mind I remember like I was those most jealous day of my life like I was like dude you guys to meet Ron Jeremy that was like the president for me when I've never like seen him in film That's what I was about to ask.

Have you ever seen a porn? Yeah, yeah. It's really disturbing. You're like, that guy should not. It's like Mr. Potatohead with hairy or fucking like a 19 year old.

You're like, do you know what his backstory is? Like, how did he get into porn then? Well, in the 70s, he was like, that was hot. Like a guy,

a really hairy guy. Sure. So he was like a hairy mustache guy. Yeah, he was like, yeah, I'm Jeremy. But also in my head, he's like two inches taller

than Danny DeVito. Like, he's not a big guy. Yeah, but I think it's less of like, Like you see him with a woman, like you see pictures of him in like the 70s doing porn

and you're like, oh, this looks like a, like a swaff guy having sex with like a hot lady. Gotcha. And then, you know, you don't really, when you're like a king male porn star,

you don't really, I guess you probably also don't have any motivation. You know, I think if you're raping women, you're not like, why would I get in shape? You're like, doesn't matter for it.

I'm not getting people to fall in love with me. I could just be like the blob that like takes over a city. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't need like anything. Yeah,

So I think if you're a sex criminal, you just don't stay in shape. Yeah. So, and he still was in porn. He's just fat as shit. And it's, like, really disturbing. Yeah, like, this is kind of gross. That's the thing. If, like, the woman runs away, like, you don't still need to, like, catch her to, like, it still counts as a rape.

You're saying if he catches her and then. And then she gets away. Like, you don't need to be in shape to, like, catch her again, you know? Like, you already got your thing. I think he just goes to whatever the closest woman is and probably just grabs her. Yeah. He probably just stands in front of a lake and just, like, throat.

Yeah, it goes down, glum, pulls out just some, like, sandy blonde. I watched a whole interview with him one time. It was that soft white underbelly guy who does, it was really, it was before he got, like, a trouble and I was like, what a cool guy, and the news came out of here. Is that soft white, is that about, like, the underside of your penis?

What is that about? No, no, no, well, it's like, the underbelly of society is like the dregs, like the derlicks. So soft way underbelly, it's like, the softs. I like that. Yeah, yeah. I like a good brand for like butter. Yeah. Well, you've seen Zoolander. That's the only reason I know that word. I was about to say that seemed like

a reach for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because I've seen Zooladerlite. Because they do the the dare leak campaign. Oh, yeah. It's like the, it's like trashy fashion. It's like der leaked. But yeah, so I think he's saying like the softer side of the rougher people. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It's beautiful. Here's a thing I thought about. Maybe this is a good conversation point. Yeah. Can't wait. Have you ever seen like a baseball ball game on TV where there's like a squirrel who runs on the field and he's just running around. I don't know if it happens in real life. It happens in real life. Sometimes it's a cat. Cat, like just an animal and they're just running around and the crowd is going crazy because it's funny. The guys are chasing it. And eventually like the squirrel or whatever animal gets out,

do you think when that squirrel goes home to its family, it even tells them what happened? Had a crazy day at work today. Or do you think it just doesn't even know? I think they probably have, okay, so like, have you ever been really drunk or really high, you have short-term memory loss? They probably have short-term memory loss. Because they're just blacked out on adrenaline. Yeah, I think that chimps probably remember stuff, but like... We should let one of those out on a baseball field.

Oh, that'd be fun, yeah. I think you have one, what's it called? Like, they say dogs are in two-second intervals. They can remember two seconds before them in two seconds. Wait, when I said there's going to be chimps on a baseball field, were you about to make a Negro league's joke? Yeah, I didn't. Did you feel, I had my spider sense.

I felt them twitch. I was like, wait a way. I thought you set it up for that. I thought, I thought you were teeing it up. And I was like, I was like, I'm not going to fucking bite. Oh, dude. I know how you go. I think I, I think I breathed into the mic.

I think I was like, you just saw like magical dust. Like, catch my. That's so funny. Wait a minute. That you knew that. My eyes turned into like finding Nemo, the shark. I don't have, I didn't have anything that was like witty. witty enough to like justify yeah exactly we tried that yeah well that's what see the way i was thinking

i was like okay patty's gonna make a uh a black ape joke here i was like which way do i was like i was like i was funny my mind did not even go there at first when i first said that i was imagining a chimp in like a Tampa bay raised jersey yeah yeah right with like a glove like kind of on the wrong hand yeah on his foot on the wrong like there's the right i like the guy who's like no that's the wrong hand for the chimp glove. It's going to go on the other side. You see how pissed he is, dude, if it was on his right hand. They make good catchers.

You throw him a ball, they just start peeling it. Dude, my favorite is those stories. Do you ever see like Bon Jovi talks about, like, partying with Michael Jackson's chimp? No, no, but dude, that's got to be wild. Dude, they like got the chip drunk as fucking, like, hung out with it. Which is crazy because chimpanzees will

rip you apart. Like they are like one of the most violent of the like monkey species. I think I have another intuition. I think Michael has a secret belief that if he was in a room with a chimp, they would be able to communicate with it. I totally do. I totally think I'm like the chimp whisper and I could like make them have like a good time.

Oh dude. I don't know what this says about how I, what I think about Michael. But when you, I thought you were going to finish that, I would like if he was alone in a room with a chimp, he would fuck it. Yeah, that's where I thought you were going with it. And I'm like, I mean, maybe. I think you have too much respect for champs. You have to be like, so you think I think,

pick up this twig if it's yes. Just pick it up if it's yes. It's also funny because I have sex with women, but you think in my mind the hierarchy goes chimpanzees and then women. Yeah, dude. Well, it's like a big like polka dot dress. Dude, I literally had a nightmare recently that somebody introduced me with their pet monkeys and they were like attacking.

me. It was so frustrating because I couldn't, I love monkeys so much. I couldn't hurt it. You can't fight back. Yeah, they was just biting the fuck out of me. And I was like, get off of me. You don't want a hurt for a monkey. Yeah. Well, I think they are like people in the sense that like, there are ones that are like violent. But there's like just chimps that like aren't. Sure. But it's like you don't know. It's like, yeah, it could go either way. Yeah. You can usually tell by their names. Yeah. Like this one is Daisy and this one is face ripper. Yeah. Spider cock. And you're like, whoa. Yeah. He likes putting spiders on his cuff. What's my dude? Because the violent chimps always look like violent chimps. Because they're always like missing a clump of hair and they're blind in one eye.

And you're like, there's no way that's the sweet one. It's because they just get in fights. That's not from picking grapes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, that's funny that you said, like I had a, this is, I'm going to, it's a tangent, but you said you had a nightmare. This wasn't a nightmare, but it was an interesting dream where I had a dream that

while I was, I woke up in the dream, like I was sleeping and then woke up in the dream. Lucid? Yeah, kind of. But I, the dream was... And you're like, why don't I have sex

with all those boys in there? No, there's a dream. I would have... That while I was... No, okay. While I was asleep in my dream,

someone had shaved off my mustache, and then no one would admit to doing it. And so, like, I went around through every... Literally, because you know how, like, you pop around in a dream where you're like, now I'm in my apartment,

and now I'm at the pair, and now I'm on the subway. Everybody I talked to be like, dude, did you fucking shave off? off my mustache and they're like, no, dude, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. This is a dream, dude. Yeah, and I was like, what, I was getting so mad.

And then I woke up in real life. And I literally woke up and I was like, all right. Okay, we're good. That is, that's the, that's the nightmare. Yeah, that was, that was, I guess, a nightmare. Dude, I would, do you know, do you know Jamel Sirleaf? Yeah. And do you know Ben Hurwitz?

Yeah, they did your father. Yes, I had a dream about them and they were actually just talking about how cool you were. Spend news from Ben. Oh, suck my dig. You had me too. Dude, I didn't think I was, I don't know if that one technically counts, but it's a pretty,

yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I was thinking about how to get another one, but yeah, yeah, it's so much fun. It would be fun if we could, like,

convince them when they were in a dream, you know? Oh, that's a great prank. Holy shit. Dude. They tried to, I saw like a video

where they tried to do that where like, it was like a school full of people and everyone pretended that this guy, like wasn't there. The kid shot himself in the head. They were just like every time the kid would talk like nobody would address it and he would

like turn to kids and be like hey what's going on and they just like pretend like we did one of my friends as a prank and he started like attacking us but that's crazy that like you're friends with a chimp yeah they go full chimp

yeah that's crazy like how do they like I think the way I would do it is if I was in the school I'd have like the teacher come in as like a mermaid and then be like, okay, it's spaghetti Fridays. And like, everything would just be so weird that you'd be like, this is a dream. Yeah.

I would do it. It would have to be like a fog machine. Yeah. Or you do it like, everything's just a little off. Oh, dude. Where like, if her name's like Mrs. Johnson, she comes in and she's like, hi, I'm Mrs. Jansen. Yeah.

And like, originally you're like, oh, that's fucking weird. And then it's just like, oh, it's Thurps Day. Yeah. I'm like, wait, what? And like, it's just a little bit wrong to the point where you're like, that's also a really fun thing to do. This is such a dad thing. But I like when somebody cares about

something really, like a lot to get a fact about what they love a little bit wrong and just like it short circuits their memory. Oh, it's fantastic. It's so good. Like somebody's just like, yeah, dude, like I fucking love the Beatles. The Beatles are the best. And you're like, oh, dude, I love blueberry

fields. Like, that's such a good song. And they're like, whoa! Yeah, that is one of the best things to do. It'd be also funny they prank a kid and making him think it was like the best day ever. Like they're like, okay, so what we're going to do is he's going to, he's going to think the cheerleader wants to go out with him. He's going to think he's got straight A's.

And then, I don't know. And then we announced the divorce. Yeah. His parents. We have to bring him down first. Exactly. Like a dog you're about to let put down. You like take him to the park the day before and you get ice cream.

And we had a teacher, I had a teacher named Miss Donaldson. And for three months, I kept calling her Miss Nichols. I don't know why. or Nicholson, I kept like getting it wrong. And she was like really obese. And she was like, it's Donaldson. She would like say that. And then one day there was a fire drill.

And she tried to hustle out of the building and tripped on like a something that was like on the, it was like an outlet thing that was like sticking up out of the ground. And she fell and got a blood clot and died. Fucking Miss Nichols. Such a klutz. she did die though how did that relate to this sometimes you gotta just tie up ends oh because like right before

like the fire drill she's on the ground covered in blood you're like Mrs. Nicholson right before she like gave us this long lecture about how cool you were oh it wasn't as good

well I feel like that it did work because I asked a question yeah it's gotta start with like or it kind of has to like I think that worked. Yeah. I liked it. Well, count it.

Yeah. Put that in the score at the end of the episode. That's fun. I think this could catch on. It's a very fun joke. I think this could be something. But it's the best is you have to rip them. We have to get them and be like, do you know, so and so they go, yeah.

Yeah. You also can't do it like one on one. No. Yeah. I've tried to prank someone one on one. It's the most awkward thing. Yeah. Because they're just standing there like, oh, so you're just a dick.

Yeah. So you're an asshole. Yeah. But the second you see everybody laughing, you're like, all right. Yeah. You got me good. But just that other person. I did that with Saran Wrap over the toilet one time.

It was just me and my roommate. Then he pissed on it. And he's like, thanks, dude. And I'm like, didn't really clean it. So I had to, like, clean his piss. That's great. Pranks on me. Damn, dude.

Do you ever? We do the Saran Wrap one. In college, we would do one of the funner pranks that we did. We would, it started. I think it started when my brother visited. He came up. And so, like, in the dorm rooms, like, there was just, like, one light in the middle of the room. And it was, like, those fluorescent lights.

But it, like, kind of came down. It was, like, a whole structure. Okay. Does that make sense? You know how, like, a lot of times they're, like, recessed in there, but it was, like, it was down. So the prank became, like, we would just duct tape shit, like, somebody, like, if you, like, your toothbrush or, like, your Xbox controller. Oh, that's great.

I would just duct tape it to the opposite side of it. So, like, when you walk into the room, you can. can't see it. Yeah. You have to, and it's like, it was like a 12 foot ceiling, so you'd have to,

like, go to the other side and look up specifically to find it. The first time somebody did that to me, I had no, like, I was playing Black Ops too. I could not find my Xbox. I looked for an hour and a half.

That's so annoying. Oh, it's, we're losing the war. Yeah. Where is my controller? What are you want the fucking Russians to win? Yeah. God damn, bro.

But that was a really fun prank. Dude, by the way, I just started playing Black Ups Cold War. because it was like on sale. And I did the campaign mission. And at one point in the campaign, your guys, like, revealed to you that they've,

they're, like, torturing you for information. Like, your team that you've just, like, killed so many people with. Yeah. And they're like, yeah, you used to work for this guy. And we're the CIA. And we're, like, we brainwashed you to do the right thing. And you make a choice in the game. Like, if you want to go with your old team or, like, go fuck those guys.

I'm going to, like, lead him into a trap. So I let him into a trap. turns out the side I joined ended up launching 13 nukes across Europe Oh my God I was like

I'm the bad guy now I just nuked all of Europe Yeah yeah yeah And like out of what Like vengeance for a couple of guys Yeah yeah yeah That is a good thing God damn

Oh before I forget The best prank is the one Rino tool pulled on me Did you see this one? No Dude we're on my phone And in the group chat I was just taking pictures

of there's pictures of all these comics in the pair wall and I jokingly was like this is me and it's like Lenny Bruce getting arrested or it's like Bill Hicks smoking I'm like this is so me telling the truth you know being such an honest you know what it's just joking and then I was like this is Ryan O'Toole and it was like

Whitney Cummings or something like that and then um he just dumb just calling a lady but he like grabs my phone and goes that's not Whitney Cummings bro what the fuck are you talking about that's not Winnie Cummings he grabs my phone for like 30 seconds he's like I don't that's not her and he's like looking and then um

like 20 minutes let's go by. And then I look and I see I posted an Instagram story and like what is this? And it's just this model with like huge tits. It's like, oh dude, I saw that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw that and I was like, yeah, someone got the Michael's phone. I'm not going to be the one

but the hard part is like that's believable with me, which is showing it. Because maybe since I'm gay every like, all right, well it's obviously Michael, somebody hacked Michael's phone. Yeah, because it's like a hot babes Instagram account and she's just got like nuts gungas. Yeah, and it just looks like I'm just like exploding with comfort.

the brain. I'm like, oh, I got to post this. Look at this shit. Look how hot this shit is. Which is just so uncomfortable. But it's such a good prank. It's a good one. It was phenomenal. He's got me so good with that. I was showing him this one. There's one cute girl who like ran an open mic. I was like, is this girl pretty cute? And he goes, let me see that. And he liked her picture at like 3 a.m. For my account. It was like deep down on her shit too. And I was like, God damn it. Oh, dude. I told you, did I tell you about the one that being Adam did to Leo? Yes, that's so good. Do you know this? Do you know this? To Leo C where you planted evidence on? Yeah, no, no.

Classic Frank. By the way, the audience... Shoot that guy. Can I say what happened with him? The audience has never heard. It's public information this point. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Leo C.

He loses his podcast, uh, allegedly. Can I say this? I, you, it's, uh, yeah. I think he is essentially wanted in connection with a shooting on the subway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's essentially what it is. That's all public information. That's that, you can look it up.

It's on the fucking New York... I'm not a narc. Not even the post. Like, it's on the fucking New York Times. like it made legit shit. But he was a comedian in New York and he was like New York through like he's a fucking street guy.

I think back in the day might have done some like gang stuff. I don't know. Yeah. Who knows? He has face tattoos. Literally has red tear drop tattoos. Who knows?

Very street, smart. It'd be funny if they were for like abortions that he paid for. Well the thing is somebody told me that was it you that? Somebody had a funny joke about that. Teardrop tattoos. either if you've been humiliated or if you've, like,

oh, no, it's not me, but somebody does have a joke about that. Yeah, it's like, you're, if you're, if you're, he's humiliated or killed somebody, which is such a... Oh, I think it's Eli. I think Eli has that. Yeah, yeah. But so... Or both if you're John Wayne Gacy, the clown.

Oh! But all that to say, he was a very, like, street forward guy. Like, he really cared about, like, being, like, macho and all of that shit. And so, me and, uh, another comic were at the stand, and Leo had left his phone down open on the table. and then just like went, I think he said he was going to come right back, but then ended up getting stuck in conversations

for like an hour and a half. So Adam took his phone and made his Instagram story. This was like June 1st or June 2nd of two years ago or whatever. So it was just to start a Pride Month. And so he posts just like one story. And he's like, hey, guys, this has been kind of something I wanted to come out and say for a little while. It's been something that's weighing heavy on me,

but I am a bisexual man. And then he posts that. And then like a second. story was just like, I really would appreciate like some love and support during this moment. Like this has been a hard decision for me to like to think about what to do. It is. Because if you said full gay, you'd be like,

no, there's no fucking way. I could almost buy it. It got to the buy it. And it was- You could buy it. Buy it. All right. All right. Imagine he's like, yeah, I'm bisexual. I'm just trying to get on Zach Omeco's podcast. Is that your Leo?

yeah what's up my peep it's your impression because he's only saying the N word in every sentence dude but it was up for like an hour and a half or two like it was up for long enough that a lot of people had to have seen it to the point that one another one of his really good friend

of ours Derek Dresher who was also a New York comic called Adam Derek Drescher's like yeah and I'm bisexual too finally I got the curl I was shooting heroin now I'm shooting D's let's do this baby

But he called Adam and was like, dude, have you seen Leo's Instagram story? And Adam was like, yeah, man, it's fucking crazy, right? And Derek was like, dude, I don't know. I might have to talk to him, man. Like, this is, this is weird. Like, we're hanging out like one-on-one a lot recently. I don't know what's going on. And Adam is just like, yeah, man, it's kind of, it's mad sauce.

Like, it's super weird. That's awesome. Dude, what is up with hood guys and just being so terrified of a game? He's not going to... Oh, dude, it's so funny. It's like, dude, it's like, because in my, in my town, if you acted uncomfortable with sexuality, everybody called you a fag.

Like, if you're one of those guys, you can't go skinny dipping with the boys, what do you some type of fucking homo? Yeah. And in that community, it's so funny because you can't even get, like, remotely close without anybody calling you gay. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, that's what, dude, I think I just saw on Schultz's podcast.

Apparently, there's a guy, there's a guy on TikTok who will just go around two people, but specifically, like, a lot of the funniest ones are like two black dudes just like on the street, and he's just like, He's like, uh, English or Spanish. And then they're like English. And he's like, first one to move is gay. And then it's just like two black dudes just standing.

Just like, like not even blinking. That's so funny, dude. That's the funniest thing in the world. That's so funny, dude. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, it's amazing. They do not like the idea of having like sex with men.

It looks like cops found a whole new light of defense. Yeah. Hey, if you move, you're gay. You move, you're... Freeze! Maybe that's why they like, like, fat women because they're, like, the furthest thing from a gay guy. Because gay guys are always, like, kind of fit.

That is a great point. It's actually homophobia. Yeah. Wow. Another strike against the black community. Jesus. See, this is why there's a black guy here. This is why.

You need to give us a real reason why black guys like fat women. It's funny. Right. Yeah. Fat white women. We should like keep a resident black guy in the house. Like, just build a small.

This sounds like a slave. I feel like we did used to do that. And we'll just, when it's his time, we prod him and then he comes out and reveals his information. I think that's the most racist things. A who now? But also,

I do like the idea that we get all these questions down now. And then next time I have a black comic on. I ask him all of these. I'm like, hey, what's the deal with this? Yeah. Like a slave is too much,

but it would be nice to have like a... He said that is if you have to actually defend that thing. It's too much, but a droid would be nice. Yeah. Like an R2D2 droid. Okay. Tell me if this is too, this is something, anything. I had the thought the other day.

Like, have you ever, have you ever met like a new black guy? Mm-hmm. And like, as you're talking to him, dude, and everything, it's great. And you're like, as you're talking to him, like, I have the thought, I'm like, well, he is really well-spoken.

Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm not trying to be fucking, like, like, like, I would say, say it to about any single person. Like, like, you're like a well put together person. Does that make sense? Like, I don't know. Yeah. Well, I guess I think you... Like, if I, if you said, Matt, you're a well-spoken

guy. Like, that would be nothing. But if I was black, you would be like, that's fucking crazy. Yeah. Am I out, crazy right? Am I out of pocket right now? No, you're not crazy. You're just racist. Okay. Because the way you're saying is it sounds like you're surprised that he's well-spoken. No, like, I'm trying to like get like a genuine

compliment. Yeah. But like, like, I can't say that compliment because it would be perceived as racist. I know what you're saying. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, the way you delivered it. It's like you were blown away by the fact of the black guy was... You ever talk to black guys and you're like, wow, this guy can actually communicate? Dude, like, he's got like words.

It's crazy. But no, like, I meant like, I'm trying to compliment this guy. You feel that for people, like all different types of people, if you know, but like you feel like a black guy, you cannot address it. Yeah. Because you definitely can't. You shouldn't, I don't even know if you should say it to anyone. Because I think it might make people feel like, oh, like I look dumb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I had a similar thing where it's like, man, I'm glad I didn't. I was thinking about like, I was, I'm glad that was not my first time trying that on stage. Because I would have said it exactly like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And people would have fucking murdered me. Yeah. So thank you guys for.

What kind of people you think are murderers? What are you trying to say? The, dude, I had one where like, this is another example. I get where there are certain things you can't say to certain people because of certain things. like, yeah, I, I'll seat shows and I'll see people, if I'm running a show, I'll see people in the front, and I'll tell them, I'll go, oh, it's going to be dark, so don't worry, like, it'll be less intimate here. Like, the lights will be off, they don't be able to see you. Yeah. And I was sitting there on black people one time, and they didn't really want to

go, no, no, no, we'll turn the lights off. Nobody will be able to see you. And it's like, any other person, that would have been totally. And it's like, no part of you not of the racistly. And I was like, we turn the lights out, you guys are invisible. There's just going to be a couple of smiles in the dark. But you also can't get out of that. Like, you can't be like, oh, no, I'm so... I moved completely forward. I sat them.

I was like, yeah. You just got to get out, just a natural dismount and just get the fuck out of it. They won't be able to see you guys. That's what are you wearing a grill, brother. I know what I'm... And just start trying to... Hey, I think there's nothing wrong with having jewelry in your mouth. I made myself sweat with...

Dude, hey, that's the morning good podcast. That's how you know. Yeah, because I, I've always. I also do have no air conditioning that it's just us saying things that make us really uncomfortable for saying. But Patty's pretty fucking comfortable

in his... You talk about being comfortable your sexuality, you're pretty comfortable in your racism. Yeah. Because I don't think you're actually racist, but you are the king of... No, I think I actually, like,

because when you make racist jokes, you have to, like, look yourself in the mirror afterwards. Sure. And I do. And I do not think I'm a racist person. But God, is it fun to be racist? Oh, yeah.

It's just fun. Totally. Because you're like... I think that's why I'm not right, because I get it all. out of me. Yeah. Yeah.

Isn't that what Louis says? He's like, uh, stereotypes are harmful, but the voices are funny. So I don't know how to reconcile those two days. Yeah. Yeah.

But, uh, we're at a, uh, we're at over an hour, way over an hour. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Hour of 45. Are you shitting me?

No, it's hour 12. Oh, okay. I was like, holy fuck. My leg has just gone to sleep. Oh, dude. I got new compression stockings. Hell yeah, dude. This is fun.

doing damage, dude. Yeah, it's actually nice. You sound like my wife. She's wearing compression socks because her ankles are getting big. How are you doing? What do you guys want to promote that? News from bed. Check out news from bed.

Podcast Map Omen is bothered. When is this coming out? Sunday. Oh, okay. Never mind. I was going to say, I'm doing governors this weekend, but other than that, but by the time it comes up. If you get a time machine, what you should do is don't save anybody. Yeah.

Go back and go to governors and come see me. Go to pride. Set a car on. fire. Yeah. Eat a girl's pussy on top of it. Yeah. It'll be pretty sick. But yeah, that's it. I just like seeing how long we can go after the announcement. The next person who talks is gay.

Oh, shit.