Morning Good - Body Dysmorphic Comedy - Episode 121

Episode Date: October 5, 2022

Thanks to Paddy Defino for coming back on the show and also to James Donlon for joining us for the very first time. Check out Paddy on previous episodes and check out both of these very funny comics at their links down below for more info from them.James is on Instagram @jamesdonlon_, and he'll be hosting a weekly call-in radio show on Sundays on Radio Free Brooklyn Paddy is on Instagram as well @paddy_is_funky, so give him a follow if you haven't already and check out some of his hilarious writing at pink-brains.com.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good? I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. We're here with James Donnellan. Donlon? Donlon. I fucked it out. It's okay. Fucking stupid idiot.

Okay, we'll record. I thought you said it correctly. Yeah, so you've been calling him. the wrong name this whole time. I've been calling them Jimmy Doyles. Yeah. Jimmy Doyle. I prefer Doyles. I like Jimmy Doys. Jimmy Doys. I feel like sometimes comics just like, first of all, nobody

could tell us apart. Do you remember that? You guys, there's like a three month period when everyone was like, oh, I always confuse you guys. People confuse me for other people all the time. Just because like, you know, big white guy, like I know. But like, I don't have a fucking conference about it. Like, it's just my life. That's just what my life. That's just what my life is like.

That's my experience. Black dudes mix me up with like every other white comic. Like I get mixed up with TJ Francis on like a daily basis. Really? You don't even a mustache. Well, it's by, yeah, I don't know. People just think he shaved it or something. And I'm not even just black dudes.

A lot of black dudes mixing stuff. But I'm also here with Patrick Defino. Hey. You said his name, right? Hi. But yeah, no, people, him I get a lot. And like, also like just homeless people on McDougal Street will mix us up. He's like, good to see you.

DJ. And I'm like, yeah, I'm not TJ. Just take the goodwill from the homeless stuff. Just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to argue with this homeless guy about what my name is. That's fine. Because we mix black people up all the time. I'm like Dave Chappelle again. It was just on. Yeah. Yeah, I, uh, yeah, I'm like careful about it now because I've mixed up. But now I'm like scared to call any black guy, any black guy's name because I'm like, it might be a different black guy.

Yeah. Just sir. Sir. Sir. Yes. Yeah. just like a little bow like yes sir yes sir i bow to them yes my mom and like all like the older people of my life are always like when we go to the grocery store they always call like non-white people who work at the grocery store like sir and like my mom never does that she's like thanks sir i'm like what do you do it i'm favorite for the grocery store guy like it is funny when like parents take it upon themselves to like make themselves you know appear better to the world right like you know how like they're used to there's like really not toll booth operators

anymore in a lot of New York, but there used to be toll booth operators, like, everywhere. I remember I told my dad, I was like, yeah, I saw something that, like, you're supposed to say, like, seven words to a toll booth operator, because, like, they get, they just want to die. Yeah, yeah. Like, that's all they want to do in there. You shouldn't kill yourself today. Sir. Sir.

So my dad, like, we'll pull up to the thing. He'll be like, hey, how's it going? Good to, how you doing today? sir, I hope you have a great rest of your... I was like, Dad, you just said 14 words. It's 14 words, though, because it's 70s like... Sure, have a good day. I hope you...

Yeah. Just like frozen. Do you have change for a $10 bill? What's that? That's a job. I think Arshafier may work in a toll booth. I might be mixing that up with somebody else. But like that, I can see that,

but not being a bad comic job. But I don't know, I feel you have to see that. I feel like randomly I'd panic. Like, every job I've had, the first day I sit down. and they're like, yeah, so you're just going to sit here for eight hours. And it's like, fuck. Like, I'll carry like a Xanax or a Klonop in my thing. And it'd be like, it never happens.

But I'm like, if shit hits the fan, I just take this and I'll sit. Because like, I don't know why the idea of being constricted somewhere freaks me out. Yeah. Like I had these horrible panic attacks one time. And I went to Disney World with my girlfriend. And that's sad that I like literally like, I was going through like a really bad like OCD anxiety thing. And I literally had to take Xanax at Disney World. because, like, the rides there, you get stuck on them.

And I don't know, I was just in a period of my life where I was like, like, now, now I'm through all that. I can fly without any Xanax or anything. Gorsh, are you okay there? Yeah. Like, ugh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Because I remember, dude, I'm picturing you. Dude, like, getting fire from the toll booth job and, like, getting fired for your podcast. Yeah. Well, it's like, I'm also like, I'm not opposed to having a different job every fucking three months. Like, I don't. It is a, that's a fun lifestyle. I've gotten through, like, three years of New York City doing that. It's like, I've gotten, like, not to be fucking cocky, but I've gotten into clubs doing that.

Like, it's like, I made the progress I need to make over this course of time. Right, right. I'm sure a lot of stress is involved. And I thought I was going to be homeless like 90 times. But I got to where I needed to be, and I paid the bills with that. Yeah, you're like the Charles Bikowski of comedy. Yeah, yeah. Just fucking switch jobs and yeah.

But, um, I'm. That was funny, too, because we get on, I remember me and my girlfriend, we get on, what is it, the carousel of progress. Basically, like, it starts at, like, the nightmare. What an exciting. It's, like, from the original world's fair. It's like an old ride about, like, the future of technology. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Is that the way, is that the one in the big ball? No. That is one in Epcot, though. Okay. Yeah. But you sit and, like, basically, it's like you go through, like, the 1940s family, the 1960s family, the 1960s family, the 19th. you know what I mean to like the future family where they got like VR goggles and like you know just stuff that we don't have now and it's like the year is blah blah blah but we sit down on the ride there like just a warning you cannot get up from this ride for 45 minutes and I was like I was like we got to go we got to go I can't do this and then I took X X and then we went on like a small world ride and I remember just being sticked out like I was just like I was probably the worse than having a panic attack because like I remember through that day I was just not just not talking. Like I was just thinking about, I was just floating on a cloud, just walking through

like not even having fun. I don't think Xanax is fun unless you combine it with alcohol. I think that's just how that works. It's almost like you're watching yourself go through things, right? Yeah, just me on Splash Mountain, just like, just soaking wet. Yeah, just no emotion to my face. I went to Universal on edibles and that was like a night. Like, it's not as fun. It's like a meant to be a fun experience already. It's already kind of like numbing you down. So like already numbing yourself down, it's like, all right, this is like a little much. I think the thing, look, I don't do MDMA anymore, but I think that's the theme park drug you know.

Oh, dude. That's a good idea. Because you're on a roller coaster just vibrating. Like, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I knew some people that, I knew some dude who, uh, I had a family friend who did mushrooms and he went to Universal Studios and he rode the Hulk and then he went to Blue Man Group and like, that sounds kind of sick. That does sound good. Yeah. Just a lot of colors of people. Yeah.

Green guys, blue guys. Yeah. I feel like if you like see Blue Man Group on mushrooms, you're like, the future is pipes. The future. I think they're sending us a message that the future is pipes.

You just go home. You're like, we need more paint drums in the house and less talking. They've been like successful for years though. They're like a staple in Universal. Like you can go see the time. I don't know if it's the same Blue Men. Because it's like, isn't there a blue man group here?

And there's no way they can be two places at once. But also I don't underestimate the power of the Blue Man group. You know it would be funny as if, like, in the future, they're, like, losing funding and they have to become the blue chew men. They're just playing with, like, rock-hard dicks. Yeah, the dude, bang their dicks on like the fucking... Yeah, dung-d-c-cuh-dun-gid-dun-gung. Dude, that's where we need the video right there. Yeah, I do this whole time, I'm like, goddammit.

We've had six jokes already. The blue chew men! Boom, boom. Yeah, just the tubes just banging their cocky. on. They're handing out coupons to the crowd. Yeah. They,

yeah, but it's like I went to, they had the coolest fucking shit there. They had, you know how there's like cartoons where it's like one image, like they're moving cartoons where it's like one picture is like a man like this. The next picture is arms moved slightly.

Like how they used to do cartoons where you spin a picture. Right. They had that but statues. They had a statue that moved slightly. So they'd spin the statue and it looked like the statue was moving. Like the same concept of cartoon moves.

Yeah. You're going there soon, right? Yeah, I'm going to Universal soon. I'm going to... Fuck yes. You're about to have the time of your life. Veloccoaster, dude. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I go every year with my college friends for Halloween Horror Nights, so we meet up and we go to that. Yeah. Do you do Halloween Hornets? Universal and then Halloween Hornets? You just do Halloween Hornets?

We just do Halloween Hornets, usually. Dude, we used to get so fucked up. My childhood was just getting like fucking wasted and going to it. Dude, last time, not last time, but one of the times on this podcast, we talked about how, like, there was like a 18-year-old girl or whatever and you were like 13. Oh yeah, we were like 13.

And we were like, these girls were like drunk, but they were like 18 and we were just hang. No, I think we were 14. They were like 18 or 19 from like California. And we're just like, they're like, hey, can you guys steal beer for us? And we're like,

hell yeah. And at first without you're using it, but like we'd text them after like later. And they were like, they asked them to steal beer. Younger people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just hilarious.

Yeah. That's funny. Probably get less in trouble. It's like a good plan there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like the Florida hustle. Just like use a smaller kid to get something. Bro, I want to know the legal consequences

for buying kids booze because I want to keep doing it for the rest of my life. Yeah. Well, they got to... I honestly, it's probably better to drink early because then, like,

everybody I know who drinks late is now, like, someone who is having a very difficult time adjusting to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that too, but then two of my friends that start drinking with earlier

with are dead now. So I'm like, I don't know if there's... I always want to say a one-to-one. I'm like, it's better if you start. So I think, like, the best move is like, uh, You have to drink in high school if you're going to do it.

Like, it's starting drinking 18s, a disaster. Because then you get fucked up and you're, like, in a college town. You, like, pass out. I don't know if, like... You don't want to be the guy who, like, just got to college and starts drinking. You want to, like, have a little bit of experience over your belt. Because then everyone is, like, fucking with you a little bit or, like, you're getting into, like... I don't know.

I think there's zero correlation, though, between your... Everybody's like, if you start earlier, you're more likely to get addicted. I'm like, I don't know if that's true at all. Yeah. Because, like, I know people that start drinking in college and they drink just as much more than me. So I'm like, I don't know if there's a direct correlation. I think you have to be a pussy. If you're a pussy, you never get too fucked up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was like a little bit of a pussy when I was drinking in high school. So I was like, like, I only puked once from drinking in high school. And then like I puked again once like a year ago. Yeah. Your body dysmorphia. It looks so ugly on that stage. There's nothing like more embarrassing than being like 47.

Like puking from. like an IPA. Who am I? Rebel IPA? The shit tastes like sidewalk chocolate. That's also a hilarious idea of like you're crushing on stage and then you're like everybody's loving you go, wait, did you say I was fat?

I'm not fat. I'm not. I'm just like freaking out. You guys think I'm ugly, don't you? You think I'm ugly. I'm not ugly. But are you laughing the way I look or what I'm saying? My shirt's big.

My shirt's big. But it's just like you've done great You've so far And you tanked the show Dude Body dysmorphic Comic Yeah

That's the move That's your character That's like That's you double down You have a mental breakdown Yeah That is like a thing I think with some of the like

That I feel no sympathy for that I'm sorry I just for dude It's like Yeah I know Chris Farley had this thing Where they're like He was laughing about being fat

But deep down We knew he was sad It's like Of course he was Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Everyone's sad with how they look.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, even the most fit people, the reason they're so fit is because they look at themselves and they're like, you're gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever see those guys that are just so built that they look like dinosaurs or whatever? Dude, I know a guy like that.

There's a lot, so many roids and stuff like that. And I'm like, you look ridiculous. That's like, that's the worst form about, like, I would rather be a little chubby and, like, wow, I got to hit the gym. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like, that's normal. That's baseline.

Yeah. I think, yeah, I don't know if there's a giant difference between some guy who's doing, like, crazy hormones. treatment versus a fat dude. Yeah. Maybe there's obviously if you're like morbidly obese, then it becomes gross. I think the best body for a man

is really, really skinny, frail legs and like big round gut. That's like the ideal. Alan's the ideal man. Dude, we were laughing. Two toothpicks and an olive. That's kind of the book I'm looking for. Dude, me and Tommy laugh all the time because Alan is like the pair. Like he's like

the headline pair guy. Oh yeah. And he's just shaped just like a pair. how's it going you want to come to the comedy show I'm a pair oh he's the pair his beard is kind of grisly too yeah that's a great

somebody just paint him like fucking green he should just be on it dude I was thinking for Halloween to go as the stand the guy on it because you do look like the guy on the logo everyone says I look like the guy in the stand thing

is that they're dead I think it's like a dead comedian it may be but I'll just put the letters like behind my head I think that's a comic who died of heroin or something like that. Oh, dude, perfect. Dude, I have a few props with it. Good excuse to let us. I don't know.

He was a heroin addict than like, I don't know something. I don't know if he quit or what. I think he quit and then he started doing comedy. If you go as a stand, I'll go as Kramer at the Laugh Factory. Yeah, that's a good one. Dude, Halloween costumes used to be,

I'm so, listen, you should be able to let fly on Halloween. There's always that thing. They're like, I can't believe this part. And I'm like, funny. Yeah. Like,

dude, I saw one is this dude. This is over the top, but hilarious. He's dressed as Jared,

and he has, like, a stuffed child just sucking his dick. And he's just walking around down, just like, it's like,

it's like, it's so over the top. It's like, it's like, pig tails. And just like, where you can't, it's not actually sucking

his dick, but you see like the back of a head. Right. Just right down there. And I'm like, that is somebody who lets it rip on Halloween.

That is letting it rip there. That's a guy with job security. Dude, if you go that hard, though, it's probably fine. If you're allowed to be super slutty, you should be allowed to be super edgy. Dude, well, people forget like a lot. Dude, Jeff Ross dressed is a, what's his name a while ago? Hitler.

Derek Chauvin. Yeah, yeah. That's a tough one. But you could do it and then still make fun of Derek, you know what I mean? Like, if it was Derek Chauvin, but you showed he was getting like butt raped in prison somehow, that would be, you know. Yeah, that is a intricate Halloween costume. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. No, that's a good one, though. We should work. Hey, what are you? What are you supposed to be? Oh, guys, come over. Oh, yeah. It's a group guy.

Sorry, you're going to want to sit down for this one. Yeah. But, no, I think you guys ever had like a good adult Halloween costume? I don't think that exists. I was Alex Jones. Oh, that's a good one. I was Greta Thurnberg. Okay.

All right. So you're like a pro. I never dress up. I love, dude. I think last year I was an island boy. Really? Yeah. Did you have a twin?

No, I just one. Oh, you're just one island boy? Yeah. Loan? Yeah, also on the topic of the N-word, they say it. Yeah. Oh, and they're not allowed to? They're not, they're white.

Okay, I don't know. Yeah, but they're from Miami, I think, or I think they're from Jupiter or something. I think a good one would be, like, Hunter Biden's, like, IT guy. Oh, yeah. And just, like, the guy who has to handle, like, the laptop business. Yeah, he's just, like, iced out and shit. Oh, yeah. A nerd, you know, like an iced out nerd.

This year, there's some fucking good, I bet you there's some good ones. Yeah. Like, there's, oh, the best one I saw is Mrs. Dout fire with a noose around her neck. I'm like, that is so funny. Like, like, I, that's a, it's like, I love, it's like, look, yes, that's wildly inappropriate and way over the top. But some guy shows up with Jared getting his six to open his down.

All of a sudden, laugh. You're going to be like, just so, like, it's fucking funny. Like, it's funny. You should never walk. The fact you're walking down the street like that, you hopped on the bus, you know what I mean, New York City. You went through like a turnstile or something like that. That's fucking.

wild. Yeah, did you have to swipe twice? Babe, I look good. You look, you can't let your kid on that. She's just stressed up as a $5 foot long. She's like, I hate you. We're getting, we're breaking up after this. No, but let's just make it through the night. I swear. I swear this is going to play

better than you play better. I love the idea of a couple breaking up over their Halloween costume. So inappropriate. Yeah, there's some fucking nuts ones. I, uh, trying to think other ones. Yeah, what else happened? See, this is what I think. Those wildly creative.

Somebody who just goes as a clan member, I'm like, look, it's just, you know what I mean? It's like, be more creative. You're just harboring some ideas at this point. Right. You just wanted to make, like, a cool cut. You just, like, wanted to do some, like, sewing. Yeah, you just had a sheet and a party hat. And you're like, you know what?

Let me cut some. Sometimes I'm like, I didn't know. I'm like, it was like 1995. I think you knew better than to do be dressing like that, you know? It was like Neil Patrick Harris. They had a Halloween party where the cake was literally Amy Winehouse. is dead corpse. Like, I was like, yeah.

People forgot. Spooky. People lost this holiday, man. I don't know what happened to us. I'm not saying we need to go that ham. But like, let's meet in the middle somewhere. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Let me be like Betty White or something. He's dead. You know what I mean? Like something like that. Yeah, I think there's a happy medium you could find. Dude, there's going to be a lot of like queen of England's. Like a dude dressed up as the queen of England. Yeah, yeah.

I could see that. But what else has happened this year? Yeah. We should all figure out what our costume is on the pod. Okay. based on something that happened this year. Yeah, it's got to be something relevant. Something that, like, honestly,

is, like, gonna be, you're gonna look back on this and be like, I fucking nailed it with this year. Everyone was pissed off. No one thought it was funny. One guy got the Island Boy thing, because that's how on top of it was, Island Boy. I was, like, the week it came out. So, like, nobody got it.

And then two dudes were like, oh, shit, yeah. And that was worth it for me. I was like, I had to explain Island Boy. I had, like, a tinfoil. my mouth is a girl. I'm like, the island boy. You don't know the island boy? Let me put up the video real quick. Yeah. Dude, also the go-to is grapes. If you can't think of anything, you'd just be grapes. You just tape a bunch of balloons. A bunch of purple balloons. Everyone knows your grapes. Everyone loves your grapes. You can't sit down for two and a half hours.

What? I don't know. You've gone as grapes? I've never done it, but I've had ants. Many an aunt and many an uncle go as grapes. Really? Like the aunt goes as like purple grapes. Because like back in the day there was like four costumes. Yeah. Everyone was Dracula with the stupid fucking widows. A ghost. Frankenstein. Yeah.

Or the only thing girls could be like a cat. Yeah. Or like Richard Nixon. And like that was it. Yeah. Yeah. Now it got a lot. I mean, when I was a kid, it was like, what's the scariest costume we can have?

Did it scream? There was so many scream. The scream with the blood mass. Yeah. That was horrifying. You always knew how good of a parent somebody was with, or how bad of a parent they were with how how bloody their kid was. Like they'd have some kid who has like his guts hanging out as part of the costume.

You're like your mom's probably. Your mom is just having like a fantasy right now. Yeah, yeah. Your mom's getting hammered right now. Yeah. And bobbing for apples even though it's a children's game. But you have like that fucking Jason mask and you're stabbing yourself with like the knife that goes inside the handle. That kid has the most shaving cream in his backpack too.

Yeah. He's ready to light up a suburb. Yeah. Did you guys ever go like bombing? Was that what it's called bombing? No. Like going around and pranking like a neighborhood? Like throwing toilet paper and trees and stuff.

Oh, I would TP people. And then we would, yeah, we'd TP, I don't think I ever egged anybody. No, eggs were a little rude, I think. Yeah. My house got egged. Like when I was in high school, my house got egged. Oh, the Doyle house?

The old old Doyle egging incident. What did you do? I don't remember. Like, there was just kids going on. They egg like everyone on the block. They just got eggs. Yeah. But I never, I never like,

did any, like, pranks or anything. We just broke into old buildings in my neighborhood. Yeah, we would do that all the time. That's fun. That's fun. Like, there was an old golf course that had like a clubhouse and we like stole wine from it. We like drank one. Oh, that's a good time. That's a good story. Yeah, yeah, that's a fun. I, well, my original Halloween things, I used to like do haunted houses at our house. So my parents would let me like scare the neighbors and stuff. One time we did it all the way through. So you went through my garage and through my backyard. And my brother

wanted to be the guy from the grudge. So he just like painted himself with like house paint. And my mom was freaking out. She's like, you're going to die. Highly flammable. He's just like high as shit. Just like, so in character. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, oh, my God. He's fucking climbing the wall. He bit your dad. That's like actually what the grudge was. Some guy who fell in a vat of house fate. Well, I think my dad has this thing where he really wanted, like there was one time we,

I remember one time we were supposed to do this big haunted house because they used to think I was so excited about. And my dad felt so bad because we couldn't do it one year. And he literally was like, okay, you know what I'll let you do? You could take the chainsaw, take the chain off, and then just be like a scary clown. So I was just going around the neighborhood with like a real chainsaw with like the the guard taken off or the the chain taken off. Just like terrifying like small children. And I remember my mom being like, we can't be doing this Carson.

She's like, this is not okay. Let's just let him cut open animal. Yeah. But I was like, my mom was concerned about it, which makes sense. Like at the time she's like, he's into these whole, because when you were a kid, you're like, bloody guts is cool.

But also, you could do that and then still be into that forever, and then you'd be Jeffrey Dahmer. You know what I mean? So I get my mom being like, is this kid fucking normal? She's like, I don't know if he's supposed to be doing this. Yeah, luckily, like no one in our house ever had like a fixation for guts. Yeah.

Well, now it's so disturbing to me. I was watching a blade last night. Even that kind of got me a little. Yeah. Have you seen Blade? No. Yeah, I just got high

and watched Blade with Wesley Snipes and I was into it But I was like I never watch horror movies It's not a horror movie But I never watched like stuff like that When I'm high

And you realize how much scarier stuff gets Yeah Because I was like The first scene There's like a warehouse rave And then starts raining blood On them And like some guy got like

drawn in there By like some slutty vampire chick It's like Come on. I'm sure I'm at the potty ass And then he's like Wait what's going on here And uh

That's not who I'd punch Yeah Yeah And then I like I started getting nervous for it. It was so high, I was like, you gotta get out of there, man. Don't trust that,

that sick goth cleavage. Yeah, dude, that sick vampire-esque dude, goss know how to get you with the cleavage, dude. Yeah. That's the only thing they can do because the face is very rarely attractive.

Everything else is hunkered down, dude. They got those pants buckling you down. Everything's hunkered down. Yeah, they have the long sleeves just to cover up the cuts on the arm. Yeah, they clear up their sadness. Spikes on their neck, you know what I mean?

Like a real down and dirty girl. Like you could like... Dude, it is funny you say that though, because like I gave up on like weed for a while, but I was just doing Molly. Like, you know that. I was doing Molly like all the time. And like my serotonin was like so depleted. I would like cry like once a week. It wasn't like really sad.

It was just like I was just emotional. It was almost like I was like lactating or something. It was like a high estrogen flowing through my blood. But anyway, like I would put... Once a month. Also, I think I remember clearly telling you you shouldn't do Molly at all. And I was like, you know, yeah, I'm good. I'm not doing it.

And then I would come on like two weeks. Then I'd come back like two weeks later, be like, do I just did Molly? But like, I would watch movies and I would just cry. Yeah. And like it was that where I was like, oh, I think I like there's this part of my life or brain that's missing. I need to restore. It's the part that's supposed to be like, hey, you don't need to cry. I was just hypersensitive to like every, like I couldn't watch.

I started watching Breaking Bad again. There was like a scene like early on where they like put the guy in the bathtub or whatever or like choked and I like couldn't watch it. I was like I watched this when I was like 14 years old. Yeah. It was like jerking off like to something else at the same time. Yeah. This is background noise. Yeah.

This episode's kind of boring. I'm just going to go watch for it. I was just some guy getting choked in a bathtub. You can walk down here. No, I'm jerking to the porn. Oh yeah. This seems. Yeah.

This reminds me. It reminds me of that lady getting railed out by that horse. I'll just throw that on, I think. But yeah, it's like now I'm... I remember one time, well, I had like a... This is back when that, on that breakdown. So the, these guests have heard,

or the listeners have heard this. But I did a bunch of cocaine one time and I didn't sleep for days because I was like taking Adderall for exam week. You know, had a psychotic. It was almost a psychotic break. I had a meltdown. Either way.

That's when I did the small world stuff. But I remember the day before that, I was walking by because it was college exams. And I saw somebody graduating and I started crying. I was like, they fucking made it. It was like a girl with her family taking pictures. Now I was like, they're

so proud of it. It's a long haul, but at the end, it's worth it. I'm like, what the mean? You know, she got like a degree of nail polish. Yeah, it's Florida State University. You don't need to be that proud of it. Exactly. Yeah. I got a B-minus in fruit.

In the class salad. The class fruit. Yeah, we are. What a... Yeah, you're an engineer, right? I'm an enginer. Enginer.

What do you do for work? I work in radio. Holy shit. What do you do? I do, like, promotion work in radio. So I put on, like, events in, like, New York, and I do, like, broadcast and shit. That's nice. That's fucking awesome.

Yeah, he's about to start a broadcast up, actually. Yeah, I'm going to start... I have a show coming. Like, I'm going to do a weekly show on Radio Free Brooklyn. And it's really nice. Yeah, it's like a call-in show. So it'd be, like, Sunday nights at 8. It would be nice.

Fuck yeah. Yeah, I'm excited. I like working on radio. It's fun. I did that in college. I worked from my college radio station. I was a general manager. Where did you go to school?

University of North Florida, Jacksonville. Oh, hell. Are you from Florida? Yeah. Well, I grew up on Long Island and then I moved to Florida. So I lived in Florida for a while, but I moved here after I graduated. Nice. Yeah.

Yeah. Where are you from in Florida? I'm from Orlando. Orlando. Okay. Yeah. Which is, it's so funny to watch some of these videos because like, yes, people died. It sucks.

People's lives were ruined. People's house were ruined. but I was like, dude, if I had my fucking canoe and a bunch of beers, that would be the day right there. I love canoeing. Yeah. And like my favorite thing is just like one of the best days of my life. We have two days similar.

I mean, I used to just during COVID, I would just get, take a canoe, fill it with booze, get a bunch of pot, go out with friends and just, you just go around the lake. We have like canals in our lake. So like it, you're literally going through like people's backyards and these like cool channels. That's nice. Yeah. And, but yeah, no, I remember when we did that, took some Xanax and like, just got,

nothing in the world matters. You're just getting messed up on a canoe. And you can do a minimal burden of value. You could also just get some dip and some fishing rods. It'd also be fun. Yeah. You know. Hurricanes were like such a relief.

It's like you didn't get snow days. But like once a year in October, you get to go home for a week. It'd be random. It's like, oh, it's amazing. Yeah. Especially when you're like not old enough where you don't own the property.

Yeah. Like it's a really fun. You're like, oh, my God. Oh, this is a swimming pool in my kitchen. Isn't that awesome? Your mom's like, we're going to lose everything. Yeah.

And you're like, where's grandma? Just like your social security cards floating through the thing. We're going to hide and go see you in the dark because the power's out. Where's grandma? It's fun. Like the candles. Like I remember like you're my mom trying to like make it fun. Like oh yeah, well like candles, we'll play board games.

Like in reality, it's probably a nightmare. Like all the food is melting. Like what are we going to eat if the power doesn't come back? We lived in a red roof in for like I remember a month, I think or something like that. Really? Because our house got, yeah, our power was just out for so. long. We're like, yeah, well, I mean, we probably need to. I think our water may have been out, too. And then, like, one of our neighbors brought up, like, a background generator finally. And we got

the house. There was Hurricane Charlie, I think, which was like the bigger one. Right. That's like 2018, right? No way before that. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. That was one that like really messed up the Gulf Coast, right? Like Punta Gorda got messed up really. Yeah, yeah. Probably something. But, uh, yeah, it was always fun. And I'm like, dude, I'm like, I look, I mean, a couple days ago is like the streets were flooded. And I was like, dude, that looks, I would love to just go, like you can go downtown and like go down a street on a boat. Yeah. My buddy lived on a golf course and it was always flood and then we could like go out on boats and like go explore.

Like you're on a boat. Like you can just get places you couldn't normally get. And you can bring stuff on the boat. Oh, dude, having like a boat, I didn't ever had one but like renting a kayak or canoe in Florida. It's amazing. You could like go to like a sand key and like just hang out for the day. There's something about buoyancy. Oh, just floating.

Just with your boys and some salt water really just like floating. Yeah. Feeling your way. I also like, there's two ways I could do it because I could do that. Like my parents, they live on a golf course. That got flooded. And I was like, that looks so much fun

and just go on there with a canoe and just go through. But I was also like, I also like... Hide some bodies. Yeah, I also like the idea of getting like a, like a boat and then like a machine gun turn and like a megaphone and just like owning the city. It's just like going around.

This is my street now. Wait, my property. My buddies in the back, just like shooting at people's like, yeah. Dude, I remember before my junior problem. He's like, what is the Bain speech? He's just like, whatever it goes. He's like, you guys have 10 days before the bomb goes off or something like that.

I forgot what he says, but he's like, do you feel in control? Yeah, he's like, the shitty is, belongs to the people now. He's just got two Nerf guns. Yeah. You're like in a Mad Max outfit. Yeah. Yeah. Just flexing like. Water world is mine.

It becomes like that you can loot a public so you just go up on your pirate boat. People are ready to go. They're ready to loot and plunders. and rape and they're ready to do whatever they can. They're going to go to the margarita. That's horrible. Imagine getting raped by someone who's climbing out of a kayak. Into a margarita bill?

We found grandma. Hold still. Just throw in the paddle. Oh, no. My grandma got my grandma got a raked at a margarita. It'll turn a hurricane. The good news is she was wearing a life vest. At least that.

Yep, sure. Life best and a condom. She always comes to stay. When I was in high school, right before prom, we decided to go kayaking. It was like me and two of my friends and like both of them launched. This is like as we're launching. And like as we're launching, there's like all these ducks and there's just this crazy lady who's just like throwing bread out to the ducks.

So there's like 50 ducks and then this lady. And then it's me like kind of struggling to get in this kayak because it wasn't like an easy launch. It was one that we're like the whole thing is in the water so you gotta like kind of climb and I'm like

fuck this is not gonna go so sure enough I take a step in the whole thing tips over and I just fall in the water and I pop out and my friends are laughing

and the lady with the ducks is just like you're scaring away the ducks and she just starts blowing a whistle so like everyone there's like 50 people around

just looking at me trying to like pull this water log like fall a kayak, which is like 700 pounds when you fill it with water. And she's just like blowing a whistle and there's ducks like flying around. Attack my children. We just turned around and went back home.

Dude, that's a sick move to have animals on your side. Like, there's this homeless guy at Greenwich Village and he has his dog with like a, uh, is it clear, it has a muzzle. So you're like, this thing fucks people up. And I've heard, I've heard people say he will take the muzzle off and be like, get them. Get him. Get him. And just like sick him on people.

Oh my God. If you're a homeless guy, that's a move. get that and then like a broom like shaved into a spear and then you can have every half smoke cigarette on the ground yeah yeah no one's fucking with you at that point this is my dirty laundry i'm gonna wear this jacket dude it's it's funny like in like the lower east side in the on like a saturday morning or like a friday morning you just see like little bags of like whatever drugs like there's like just a little bit left and it's just people who like lost dude i found multiple bags of full cocaine like a full grain of cocaine like a full grain of

And I'm like, look, I could pick this up, test it, sell it. I'm like, I don't know, because I don't do Coke anymore. And I'm like, it's just, it almost seems just like not worth it to do like a bag. Yeah. Even if you test it, you're like, I don't know, man. Yeah, I see your hesitation. So it's not fentanyl, but I don't know what it is. Yeah, well, yeah, I have a testing kit where you test, but it's like, it's knowing,

because you really have to have like three tests. By the way, his testing kit is just Pippino. Yeah. Oh, that's the good shit. Oh, yeah. that is funny. You know there's the advertisements for fentanyl that literally,

not the advertisements, come get your fentanyl. But, by the way, I always think, like, I've joked about this a lot, but I'm like, it has to be so fucking sick

if you like doing fentanyl now. We're like, dude, it's in fucking everything. Yeah. You're like, I guarantee you, nine times out of 10,

this is going to be fentanyl. Yeah. But there's, one of the advertisements is like, watch other people do the fentanyl for, like, that's, the city has,

like, these warnings where it's like New York City's department of, like, safety. It's like, and it says like, you know, Jonathan from the Bronx. Because they always wanted them to relate to you. So it's like some guy with gauges and tattoos. It's like white guy.

We're on like a white feeder. And it's like, uh, make sure when you're doing cocaine or any other drugs, make sure you watch other people do it first to make sure it's safe. Which is, that's so funny. That's like the protection against fentanyl. It's like, all right. Make sure you take out your gauges first. You don't want to lose them.

Thomas died, but Janine is still alive. So maybe he's just a puss. What does that mean? Janine's a bitch. Yeah. Do the cocaine. New York, it's like a public statement.

Like that's New York state's like public policy is like, watch other people do your drugs first. So then they die. You know you're good. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Dude, I,

um, my favorite is we're in high school one time and we're going to see infected mushroom who's like, uh, cool, like psychedelic trans. Yeah. Like,

they're the best Israeli side trans band of the late 2000s. So pretty big. Yeah. I like it. I remember I went to go see them. that was like their description. They're like one of the top Israeli trans psychedelic

EDM bands of this, not even like, ever like, of the third quarter of this fiscal year. But we're going, I think I took a bunch of like Molly or something. And then my buddy was just like doing these lines.

And I was like, yeah, be careful, you might overdose on cocaine. He's like, what? I go, I go, you might overdose.

He goes, you can overdose on cocaine. And we're like, yeah, dude. But he was just like, fuck, I got to be careful, I guess. Yeah. Right. People can be weird about their drugs, though.

I feel like I've had experiences where I've been like, oh, you should be careful. They're like, I got it. I got it. And I'm like, carrying you home later. I'm like, you didn't have it. My favorite is, I know. So I think you should test everything. Like, you genuinely have to test everything.

And I love the people that are like, no, I know the guy. I'm like, that doesn't mean anything ever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Trust me, I know the guy who has face tattoos and has a knife in his boot. I know the guy. I met him under the bridge.

Yeah. He had this sticker on the subway that I called. Yeah. It's like I trust him. Yeah, I'm thinking about doing acid in a few weeks. But it's the same thing. It's like I don't know anyone around here. And I don't know how to like I know acid. Like what's the like I don't know what the worst that could happen.

It's pretty safe. So you can get 2.5i, which if you take five tabs, you'll have a seizure, which one of my friends had. But you're not going to take like five tab. No. So if you take a little bit 2.5i, you'll just be up for, you'll be tripping for, probably like 24 hours. So that's... I mean, it's not ideal,

but you're probably not going to go to the hospital. What's called, like, test drugs? Like, sometimes you can accidentally get like... So they're called research chemicals? Research chemicals. Which I hate, because they used to call them designer drugs, which sounds way more sense. That's cooler.

Yeah, like in the 90s. It's like what a rap I would call it. Yeah. Do motherfuckett. Like, it's okay to do gay things if you're on designer. Yeah. It's not gay if it's on designer. Yeah.

Come on. You're good. They, um, there's also a weird, like, legal assets. Like, this thing called LAD, which apparently is very similar to acid, you could buy it online. Like, there's all kinds of shit like that. But most of the time, so if it tastes bitter, then it's 2.5i or DOB or one of those other things. But if

it, real acid, you taste like absolutely nothing on the paper. Yeah. Interesting. I mean, I think the best way to buy it, dude, is honestly, you go to a Grateful Dead concert, and then there's just a guy in a truck, and you don't know his name and he gives it to you, and then you do it. Yeah, it's the best time ever. That's the time I did it, and that worked great for me. So that's

like, that's what my recommendation would be. I don't know why I just think this is the funniest thing. I probably talked about this before, but I knew this one guy and one of his friends died, and he was calm and goes, yeah, dude, I know some guy just died.

He had barrels of GHB at his house, and I had to take them. And now I just have barrels of GHB. And I'm like, yo, that's wild. You're driving out. First of all, there's no way you get pulled over by a cop.

He's like, what's that? You're like, water. Like, there's zero percent chance cops can be like, is that barrels of GHB in the back of your fucking drug? That's like, you know how there's like Donkey Kong

and then there's funky con. Yeah, that's what funky cops got in his barrel. Hold on, I'm sorry. And then you're fine, and you're good. The cops, like, fucked up for $20. Yeah, it takes like, I've never done. That is one thing I would still probably do. But everybody's like, oh, it's a date rape job.

I'm like, you do, if I could be so fucked up that I wouldn't care that somebody's fucking my hat, that's a good high. Yeah. In theory, if you're in a safe environment, it's like. It is the best high. To be that, like, but they, I think it you only take, like, the smallest amount of it. But also, like, I wouldn't even know how you test, you know what I mean?

It's like a liquid. So I probably would never end up doing it. But they called it. So it is used like as a date rape drug. Yeah. But you can't like that's not fair. Like you should be able like if you're not using it to date rape it should be called like a hangout. Yeah.

Yeah. Because alcohol is also a dude. Yeah. You could date rape someone with like a dog. Dude, the caveman used to use a giant club. Yeah. So now it's baseball bad.

Yeah. It's a date rape. So we have to take all the Sammy Sosa's home runs right now. Is he a date rapist? Yeah. It's just because he used a date rape. The caveman who, fucked everyone. He corked his club.

It's not even real numbers. Was it the whole joke in like year one? He's like, give her a little bang on the back of the head. Yeah. What a horrible society. Oh, the good old days. They, uh, what was I saying? GHB. I don't know where I was going with that. But yeah, that's crazy. You just have

barrels of fucking, yeah, of a drug. And then you have to like figure out how to get rid of. That seems like more of a burden than like a cool thing. Like now I got to figure out who's going to do. I sell gallons of... Because that's also hard because if you're... But also ketamine people say as a day of rape drug

because people use it for that too. Yeah. But that's tough because it's like you're selling a drug that like you're like, don't rape anybody with this. And they're like, okay, wink. It's like no, don't with don't.

I need to get rid of this. Do not use this for evil. You're not going to use this for its intended purpose. That's like saying please drink responsibly. Like a beer commercial. But it is different though because a lot of people do GHB just for fun.

That's true. Yeah. Tom Segura used to do it all the time and he like overdosed. Really? Yeah, he almost died. Yeah. But he had literally like, I think he said it was like a water bottle cap of GH, like not even enough to like do anything.

And like, yeah, that's why that's why I probably would never do it because it's like you can't. It seems very hard to dose like a liquid. I don't think I've done ever a liquid drug. I mean, I've taken acid, but I took like a tab of it. Yeah. I never want to do that. What's that one that you smoke and then it makes you like, you like freak out for a second?

Salvia? Salvia. Yeah, yeah. You can like grow it yourself. Yeah. Yeah, it's legal in like a lot of places. That was funny when like I think I talked

I might have said this on your podcast before but like when Miley Cyrus They like caught her smoking weed And put like she was like no it was salvia It's illegal yeah Like salvia like you like like see demons Right You're like drooling like what the fuck

Like people were just hitting Salvia and just jumping out of like their fourth story window It's like that's so much worse than weed Dude I remember when I was a kid the way out of context There was something called the KGB not like the Russian thing, but you text this KGB number, and they should give you information. So it was before you have like smartphones, really.

So you text a question to KGB, like, what's the capital, whatever? And would they charge you? No, I know, it was free. Oh, okay. It was like KGB. That sounds familiar, actually. Like, I feel like I've heard of that. Yeah, yeah.

You'd ask it. And as a child, instead of going to adults for information, I'd just text KGB, and I'd be like, is Salvia safe? And then this guy would, like, respond. It's like, salvia is legal and blah, blah, blah, used it in whatever cultures. And yes, it's totally safe if you use it in there. But it's just dudes answering.

I think for the most part. I got all my drug information from that. I was like, because as a kid, I never understood. I was like, okay, what's real information? What's fake information? And, yeah, a lot of it's like, like, very few psychedelic drugs are, or psychedelic is weird because people always assume psychedelic means hallucinogenic. That's not the same.

Psychedelics is a specific category of hallucinogenic drugs. Oh, really? So, yeah, so it's hallucinogenic drugs that give you, how psychedelics work is they mimic, they bind to your serotonin receptors and they mimic serotonin. and so your brain overreacts, things are more serotonin. Like there's a euphoric feeling that has to come with it. Because there's like probably things you can see shit, but it's horrible. Yeah, so like Salvia's not

psychedelic, it's hallucinogenic, but it's not. There's like a difference. There's three types of lucidgenics. There's psychedelics, which are like mushrooms, acid, DMT, a lot of stuff like that where you do it, colors, patterns, stuff like that. And then at the higher levels you hallucinate. And then there's delirence,

which are like, I've done that before. So like, if you take a bunch of Advil PM, there's things called Dephahydromine in it. a lot of over-the-counter stuff. And you have these weird, like, I didn't get to the point where I was hallucinating. I would just get kind of, like, weird and high. And what people do is they'll think they had a whole conversation with somebody, and then they're not there at all.

So, like, people will, like, think that they put all these clothes on, and then they were not there anymore. And then there's ketamine, which is not psychedelic, as a disassociative. So it's not like, you're really seeing colors and stuff like that, but it's like you have an out-of-body experience. You know what's funny? Is Michael's done, like, enough drugs where he's almost a doctor. Yeah. He's like almost got an MD.

He could like do a prescription. Yeah. Yeah. Really unhelpful thing to have information on. Like it's not. No, it is. Honestly, it is for anyone who's like cool. Yeah. Because like everyone needs a guy who's like who knows how to, who knows what drugs are. Because you want to do drugs.

You're right. I don't know if you know this about life, but you want to do drugs. That's why we're here. That's why we're here. They put us here. Dude, life is the hardest drug. Hell yeah. I'm Crystal.

now, dude. Life is a fucking... Right every day, bro. You need to have that friend who's been like, this is honestly not what you think it is. This is this. This is whatever.

Yeah, that's a good thing. Yeah. I had some older kids like that they would tell me stuff like that. They'd be like, yeah, no, this is this. And you're like, oh, interesting. Okay. Yeah.

So you are, you are a value. Yeah, yeah. Like a wise. Yeah. Like a wise owl. Like a shaman dude. Like a sharing sort of way. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel very warmth and like a fatherly presence from you. Yeah, plus that way you can turn your head is like crazy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude. Do it again. I gotta say every time we're together, it's a hoot.

Ah, there we go. All right, I'm gonna go. So you, real quick, you grew up in Long Island. Yeah, I lived on Long Island. I've heard a lot of people say there's a similarness between Long Island, Florida. Yeah, there's like boat, redneck sort of white trash people on the water. That's like similar vibe. like poor people, but they can, you know, get it together.

But I lived down Long Island until I was 10 and then I moved to Florida until like right after college. Yeah, but like there is definitely a similarity. Wait, I was very confused. You moved to O'Tila after college. Yeah, you were 10 and then you graduated college. Yeah, they graduate college at the age of 10. I feel like the both areas, Long Island and Florida, they know how to have fun with what they have.

Yeah. What they have is not a lot, but they're like, I know how to, I'm going to turn this thing up as far as I can. Yeah, I think like a poorer neighbor, not even it's necessarily poorer, but like those like towns that have like less community funding and like the events that they do actually have end up being like more of a turnout. Like people are more community.

Well, I'll say this. On the topic of Halloween, rich neighborhoods suck, at least in Florida where I grew up, suck at Halloween. Yeah. Yeah. I would agree. I would agree. I was like, I don't want to go to fucking hang out with this random guy. Could you imagine ringing on a doorbell and they give you an Ethereum? Cryptocurrency. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Just give me a Snickers. I'm eight. It's an NFT and it basically means like, oh, yeah. Here's an NFT of a Hershey bar. This will be worth two Hershey bars. I'm going to shoot you with a gun. Yeah.

That's like, ever got like a savings bond when you're a kid? Yeah. And what it really is is like in 18 years, your parents can then cash it in and keep the money. But when you're a child, you get to have the illusion that eventually you're going to have $200 from your uncle Gordon or whatever. Yeah. That's funny. But I remember like the first day Because my parents like gained more more money

And like we moved up and up And the first neighborhood we were like Did Halloween. I remember there was like every The so and so's had a party. The next day we had was slightly nicer And Halloween was fucking sick there It was like I don't know

It was just like you know The whole neighborhood Bobbing for Apple's kids going around And then the last neighborhood My parents moved in before they like moved into a condo It was like Howling just sucked There was like

Not the same amount of like just people and people didn't decorate the same amount because like if you're a poor person like I feel like I don't know it's a lot of them like we'll go all out they'll have like we're gonna have some graveyards in our front yard you know it'll be like a real dead body yeah yeah

also I feel like the houses are closer together because they're all like trailers yeah so it's like you can really hit a lot there was like a trailer park in my hometown that everyone went to because it was so much fun and in one of the houses there was this highly autistic guy who memorized every

single birthday of anyone who came to the house. Oh shit. So everyone would come by and they'd be like, hey, how's it going? He'd be like, March 13. If you were just like, no. You just like that was his thing. You know how like autistic people all have like one thing? I know, I know an autistic person that can do that with birthdays.

Really? It's like a relative. And they were like, they know, like, I think they might even know the time I was born and like shit like that. And I've never like really met them until. I was like, oh, it's very impressive. Yeah. But, yeah, no, the poor, yeah, they fucking crush it on Halloween. And it's like, my favorite thing somebody did is one year, this guy in one of my neighborhoods, he would sit in, he had a dummy in a chair the whole October.

So from October 1st to October 31st, there's a dummy in a chair with like a pumpkin mask. And then on Halloween, he got inside the same costume, which is scare the fuck out of kids. That's awesome. Planting the seed. Yeah. That's planting. That's a guy who, like, it was a calendar. funny when there was a house that, like, there's a guy

sitting there and you just see some of the kids like in the street, like, I don't know. I don't know about this house. The parents are like, come on go. And they're like, I don't know about this guy. Well, it's also funny because, like, on Halloween, pedophiles are supposed to turn their lights off. But like, what if you're just out of town that week?

Right now your neighbors are just like, oh, I guess Michael was a petophile the whole time. No, I was in Cleveland. I was in Cleveland. It's going to be a hard to Jehovah's Witness. You don't sell it. So it's like, they're like, oh, no decorations. I see what it is.

to have to explain to their children. Yeah. Your loving family. That's, I didn't know that. Why, like, who, what pedophile is like, yeah, you know what? Time to do my due diligence. No temptation for me tonight. Yeah.

Yeah, one of the cops are like, the font lights or, you know, your day, you have to go through their house like a candle and, like, I don't know how that all works. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They have to wear, like, feeding pajamas and like a big droopy, like, and why you do that? Scrooge. Every Halloween, that's the judge is, like, Curse they put on pedophiles.

You're only allowed to hand out paydays or, like, Keith fart, like the shittiest candy. That's got to be fucking nuts because, like, imagine your thing. And you're like, fucking gets in Halloween. You look outside your window. You're like, there's so many. Like, that's just got to be. This is like spring break. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're mine. That's what, like, beach weekend is for them. They're like, oh, my God. And they're all dressed up in fun outfits. There's so many little princesses. Yeah, yeah. God damn. It's got to drive them fucking nuts.

I'm glad you have empathy for the peters. I mean, I mean, don't. It's a bad thing, obviously, but it's like... I have a little empathy for pen of files. I sure do, yeah. Dude, I was watching, like, clips of to catch a predator the other night. And first of all, there's this one guy whose name is like John who they catch him. And first of all, he's just naked when they walk in.

And they walk in, they're like, oh, I, what do you? You don't have any clothes on? I figure what they say. But it's just... Oh, I've seen this guy. Yeah. And then he's like, oh, he's like, no, I wasn't doing it. And they're like, all right, dude.

So they end up, like, kicking him out and letting him go. 24 hours later, they catch him again doing it with the same screen name. And he's like walking out of a McDonald's and they're like, John, oh, what are you doing here? He's like, I was just getting food. And they're like, John, we have all the chats. He's like, oh, it's just getting food. It's like, dude, you fucking idiot. But they're like, they are.

Yeah, I do think they need to build a better program where it's like, if you, you should be able to tell therapist, I want to have sex with children and have them be like, you haven't done it yet? Here we go. Here are the next steps. They just shoot you in the dick. I trusted you. You should have trusted me, motherfucker. I'm a doctor.

This is a prescription to shoot off your business. Even as somebody who's not a pet about, if I could take something, they would lower my sex person. Yeah, dude, even as somebody who's not a friend of him. What a conspicuous thing to say? Well, as a non-pedophile myself. I'm a non-Pee.

But, like, it's like, if you could take something that, like, would lower your sex, you know what I mean? Yeah. Or if you, if you could lower it for, like, a couple hours, you know what I mean? Right. I think you should be allowed to fuck animals if you can't fuck kids. But animals are almost always underage. Well, not if you count dog ears. Yeah, yeah.

That's true. If there's dog ears, there's got to be, like, raccoon years. It's also good. I mean, this is all good for the robot stuff, too, like the robots. sex dolls getting better. It's like, there's just always going to be, well the robots should be I've said this before, the robot should be the ones teaching your kids math.

So all those roles that the adults do have, actually I guess I probably fuck the kid up if his role model is just like a, every kid's just going to come out with no social. He has no empathy all the children. Hello father. Three times three is nine. Dude, we were cracking up the other night about the idea of like Stephen Hawking

doing like a black room for comedy. Am I in a black hole or is this Tarlem? But then like... But then like also he's got this button that says sorry but it's right next to the button that says hamburger. Yeah, like he's like Alonzo Hamburger Jones.

Do you know that comic? No. So he's on like Def Jam in the 90s and he would go out... No, no. His name was Alonzo Hamburger Jones. He'd come out in a cowboy hat and like a nice cowboy... I think I've heard this guy. Yeah.

And he would go, he'd be like, look at this fat bitch in the front row. Hamburger! And then he would, like, walk around and be, like, just make fun of the audience. And then we were just laughing if, like, Stephen Hawking was at, like, a black club. And that was, like, his whole game. Hamburger. Hamburger.

I'm sorry. My button right next to hamburger. I mean, sorry, hamburger. Look at this big bitch in the front row hamburger. Also, he could probably let it rip in a lot of ways because nobody's going to be, like, get mad at them. He could always be like, like, what are they going to do break his legs? Yeah. he's just he's just probably such a dick because he wanted to die

yeah yeah yeah he just wanted to cheat it on his wife or something like he was a swinger is what I heard so it might have been like consensual yeah I'd hope it'd be consensual well not consensual but like she was aware of it like instead of cheating like an awareness honestly if he like yeah could you imagine yelling him like this is so unfair Stephen he's like you're gonna tell me unfair bitch hamburger hamburger yeah if you get raped by Steve take my shit bag off the back of my wheelchair Or, I'm leaving you for Samantha hamburger.

If you get raped by Stephen Hawking, he earned it. He won. He gets that victory, dude. Oh, my God. That's very challenging. I have no idea how he would even begin to do that. No. G.H.

Beg. I have a glass of watching. I have one right here. It's in the exhaust. How many hours would it take him to get out of this chip? You know what I mean? It's like, I don't think there's anything that lasts that long. No.

but he cheated on his wife or I guess there were swingers or maybe he cheated you know who knows maybe there's some things he took to the grave you know I would like to imagine he has secrets and he knows secrets about the universe that he never told us I could see God giving him just a huge cock just because like that's how that works

he's like making up for it in some ways and yeah yeah was he always in like that no no he used to like be like walking and then he like like over time he actually used to be Bruce Jenner yeah he actually transitioned to being in a wheelchair

But that would really, I'd be, yeah, that sucks to have the legs and then lose them. But what if we're like, man, it's such an inspiring story. But low-key, he, like, did something horrible as a child and God's like punishing him. That's like why. I don't know. Maybe. Okay. Just trying to fill air time.

Fuck you guys. I thought that was a good one. He died, right? Yeah, he's dead. Thank God. Thank God. Stop telling me shit about space. Yeah.

Let me fucking relax. Well, if he ever had something good, he never had anything. good to say. Yeah. Like, I don't mind like, every once in a, like, Neil deGrasse Tyson's also, like, a buffoon at times listening to him. But every once in a while, he says something that makes you, like, enjoy the marvel of the universe, you know?

Yeah, I have kind of an issue with his his... He'll be, like, tweet, like, I'm home. No, he's, like, tweet at 3 a.m. like, I'm like, I'm a horny. Like, he, like, that's my... Like, I don't know, he's just, like, weird on Twitter sometimes. Yeah, he did, like... But the woman, I did watch her videos, and I know you're not supposed to do this,

but I was like, she's pretty crazy. Which doesn't mean, just because somebody's crazy as I mean you can't get raped but I mean she's talking about being on fire and having like hallucinations and stuff like that and I'm like yeah you know maybe she also is crazy I don't know yeah

but I know also Me and Neil were on the moon Yeah ma'am where were you During the assault Well we were living inside shoes That's where you can live Like my hair was blue

And we eat green Eminemps Yeah Mr. DeGrasseman can you confirm that you guys were in the shoes She's like I don't know What this is you talk about? I can confirm the green M&Ms I don't know anything about a shoe

Yeah. It's more of a clock. I raped her. It was in my apartment. He's just like, she's out of, I was accurate. I stand for science.

Science and science. We were not in outer space. You could not technically be in outer space. I assaulted her in my apartment. In space, no one, it's not a technically assault. Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. The rules are different, it's international waters. That's what I thought about there. There's a comic who you said that the comic. He's a Carnival Cruise comic who got trouble, obviously, he got trouble for saying the N-word on stage.

Oh, yeah. But I would love for him just be like, you can't, the rules are different we're in the middle of the ocean, you're saying I can't see the N-word in the middle, where can I say? What if the flag of the cruise ship is flying under like an African country? Because they do that to like go out of, you know, yeah.

I've heard that's the thing in Africa where like the N-word, the apartheids stuff, apparently they legally solved it so they have the reparations so they're like, that's a thing where you can say the N-word in South Africa. Because they paid up. Yeah, we just haven't put enough money down on the table to be able to. Dude, that's, I remember we got, we offered nothing. He said that. He's like,

there should be like a tax you pay where you're allowed to say the N-word doesn't wake. Oh my God. Boy, would I be broke. He's like, it could be like 30 grand a year. But it all goes into like black schools and stuff. Yeah, because in theory, people would be like, it's racist. Be like, no, I mean, this is.

I don't know. Because still, you could just be a racist person be like, no, I need to get these words out. I don't give a fuck where the money is going to. Yeah, it's also like, just because you pay money, it's not like super cool. Yeah, yeah. It's not like, people are going to be like,

that's a tax paying citizen. Yeah, yeah. But in some ways, actions. actions speak louder. You're still an asshole, though. You're still a dude. Yeah, thanks for the new library at the college, man. It's just a weird reason.

It's just yelling at a speech. I want you to know. Action speak louder than N words, though. That's true. Emberg. Title. No, definitely no title. I mean the word itself.

I'm not calling the group of people. That's a tough thing because somebody had a joke like that. He's like, they took all the N words out of Huckleberry Finn, now it's all just white people. But I don't mean, I meant the word itself, not calling them that. Yeah, right. Look, we got you. There's one thing I got, it's your back.

That is funny, the people that like won't say the, like, they'll say the N word and not say the N word, but then still be using it in a way, they'd be like, there's a lot of N words here. Well, that's worse. That's worse than you soft aying it and saying a rap song. Like, that is the worst. You're still saying the word.

Yeah. I mean, as that Louis Big goes, everybody knows, yeah. Yeah, it's just one of those things. It's like, now it's, it used to be, like, a funny thing to say when you were, like, a kid in high school. Because it was, like, what, it was just you being stupid. And then now it's turned into this, like, ooh, like, it's almost like, I don't know, it's become like, half of TMZ. Somebody said the end word. Yeah, it's like a nerdy thing to do.

Like, it's not even funny or anything anymore. Yeah, unless you can nail it. Unless you can nail it. Look, I'm not one of those guys. But some people, no. I think there are some white comics that can still say it in a funny enough way that you're like, all right. I mean, I think it's fine. I'm not the judge.

I'm not the N-word, please, but. Right. Yeah. I wish you were, though. Hold on. Hold it there, ma'am. Hold it there, ma'am. I heard you, I heard you rapping in your car.

Put your hands in the air. What are you a citation for soft A? Yeah. Which is a minimum fine of $150. You're going to serve 10 to live for some bullshit. I'm still doing a black voice. The defendant pleads. Oh, hell now.

We thought the police would be a good idea. We thought it would be fun. It's also funny because that's the worst people to the black community is the police. And they're now judging who can say the N-word. Yeah, and it's a white guy who's the N-word police. Because people always talk about it. There's always the free speech arguments.

Like the hate speech should... It's like if hate speech becomes outlaw, which not going to happen, obviously. people are going to be able to say what they want. I don't think that's the thing that's going to happen. But that would be funny. The police would be the one who are the most racist people being like, hey, did you say a racist word? You just shot a black guy today. And now you're like,

hey, did you? Yeah, I don't know if, well, the thing is, like, hate speech is, like, kind of important. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's like, because it's like, you should be able to say, I hate Christianity. You know what I mean? So it's, like, in the same way, you should be able to shit on things. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't support

obviously people being racist, but it's like you I think the worst thing that happens now now that we're getting into this is like I know very racist people that will say stuff behind closed doors and now nobody's going to correct them because they don't say it out loud in conversation yeah it's like you're more likely I think to do something dude I remember when I was in college I was a fucking dumbass now be like yeah why don't they make it all lives matter and then some black guy like explained it to me I was like oh shit that makes sense I was like I had no idea any of this stuff right and then now I said the wrong thing and you really like broke it down because in my mind I understood the

aspects. I was like, look, I was like, I support the Black Lives Matter movement, but I was like, I feel like if we're just like fuck the police all together, then you'd have more traction on it. And then he just explained to me a bunch of it. And then I was like, oh, shit, now I know that. But that's only from me saying something stupid. It's like, those people that say racism, behind those closed doors, they're literally

just going to think that forever now because nobody's going to correct them in conference. They're just like, having somebody afraid to say the wrong thing does not stop them from thinking the wrong things. Yeah, totally dexterous. And they double down on the opinion. We're like, oh, well, now I'm going to stick to what I thought before. Yeah, now I can't say. Yeah, yeah, it's like, all, I don't know. Yeah, I think so, too.

I think there's like, like, people will face the repercussions for the things that they say naturally. So, like, trying to get out in front of them and, like, be like, no, these are the things you can't say. It's like, no, just let them speak freely. Like, we, they will be, like, we, they will be correct them. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, nobody's just going to be like, oh, there's so. Yeah. Then there's, yeah, there's also that mindset where the people, I mean, I don't do.

Like, I still, if I, I, for the most part, I will, like, I don't know, like, if I say somebody, here's somebody to say something I think is dumb. I will say I think that's stupid because of this. Like, I'm not just... Either way, now it's getting political, now it's getting lame. We're also at an hour, so what do you guys want to promote? Well, on that note,

I want to promote the N-word usage. On the bus. I like to do this thing on the bus where I... It's my form of reparations where I just sit in the back every single time. I think that ought to do it.

I think I... I think I made everything... I do it back every day. I'll basically Rosa Parks. Wow. You're brave. Call me

Rosatia Parks. And I'll promote it. Yeah, Radio Free Brooklyn Sundays at 8 p.m. That'll be fun. Dude, absolutely. Yeah, you should call on too. Dude, I would love to call in, yeah.

Absolutely. Peace.