Morning Good - Bomb With Confidence - Episode 99

Episode Date: July 20, 2022

Thanks to James and Chris for coming back on the show together. Check them out in NYC next time you're in town and make sure to give them both a follow for more.. You can find James Pontillo on Instagram @pontillojames and Chris Kinback @chriskinbackAs always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. That would be a bad episode. By the way, we're starting here. We're with... You would always be talking over each other. Yeah, I get a business idea. Yeah, right.

Well, I mean, I've done the podcast on Adderall, and it was just me and Joe Centera, and I was just kind of like, staring at him and like studying him. That Joe Not famous? Yes. Yeah. What are you all about? Yeah, he's a fucking goof.

By the way, we're here with Chris Kimback. Hey. And James Ponton. I don't know why I, it's almost like I was mad. I wasn't pulled first. You'll be me for the whole podcast. I'll be you for the whole podcast. How about that?

All right. Let's do it. Can you hold a little closer to those cute lips? Yeah, right here. There we go. Yeah. It looks like you've held a microphone before James. Yeah, come on.

What is it? First time in show biz. Yeah, man. I also, I panic right before starting the episode because I'll forget people's names. Like, I'll be looking at you. I'll be like, we're here with Julio. Oh, what's this guy's name? Oh, yeah, Chris Kimback. That's his fucking damn. Dude, that's like when you're hosting a show and you're going to bring up the comic and it's like a good friend of yours

and you're like, I have... What is your name? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you. He's the guy with the abortion jokes. That's who he is. Yeah, bring him up. Yeah, and you think they're like good... And the person's like, dude, we've known each other for five years. You don't know my name? You're like, that's not what it is. That would be funny to be faking it for years. You're like, I genuinely don't know this guy's name. It's way too late. we know each other's families.

I used to look up, mix up, you and Leland Long. Really? Yeah. Well, we're both gay. Both Asian. Both Asian women. Well, the great part is my listeners have no idea who you are. So they might think you're a gay Asian, man.

A gay Asian. A gay Asian. Yeah, now you can rip into both those communities just because they think you are. That's perfect. So as a gay Asian man. Yeah. My thoughts on this. Yeah, I was telling him, I had like the worst bomb my life last night.

Where? L.O.L. really i heard that place sucks i'm not getting into it but dude it was literally like one of worst bomb what do you how do you define worst bomb is no one laughed at all you just no one laughed at all and uh just a typical set for michael yeah or you just felt bad on stage dude it was no one laughing and then like flailing bombing because you know you can bomb with confidence sometimes you're like done it many times yeah you're like whatever this is just uh you guys don't get it yeah i'm genius yeah and it was one of those really those

where I'm flailing and then you're trying to get people to get you out of it. I'm like, this guy's from Florida he knows what I'm talking about. You rape women, right? He's just like, nope. When you're bombing, that's who you find out who you're true allies are. And it's nobody in the room. People jump ship real quick. Oh, yeah. No. Like, I've seen comics

bombing and I like leave the room. Like, they'll be friends of mine. I'm like, I don't know this. Well, it is, it is uncomfortable to watch somebody just like, fucking. I tell you about my bomb at LOL, right? That was probably one of my worst bombs ever. It was when I, like, first got to Boston. And Dom Leonel.

First got to Boston? I mean, first got to New York from Boston. Well, I'm fucking already pretty dumb. You thought your brain was fucked, dude. You're going to have to carry this podcast. But anyway, I go to do it. And it was like a guest spot. I didn't know I was getting up.

And Dom was like, dude, you want to get up? I was like, yeah. So he brings me up. He gives me like the best intro ever. He goes, this guy is killing it all over the city. He's incredible, good friend of mine. I go up and bomb. Same of your silence for five minutes.

Was it a hot course? crowd? No. I mean, you have to do crowd work there. Yeah, they want crowd work.

Like, it's like you, it's chaotic. There's, there's wages walking around, not like they're almost trying to fuck up the show.

Yeah. Like they're talking really loud. Sounds like nobody's L-O-Ling. Yeah. That's the irony. L-O-No-L. Laughing. Not laughing silently.

They were laughing in their heads. Definitely. And then Dom gets up on state, gets up after me and is like, I don't fucking know that guy. He goes, I was lying about that. I don't know that guy.

He goes, but the rest of the show is going to be dope. I know that. But that guy's like, and he gets up and just starts killing. While, like, lighten me up, it's fucking crushing. And I got no laughs the entire time. And the crowd was just, like, waiting for somebody they liked to get up to him. That's the thing. Like, I bet the person after you probably was like, fine.

Oh, well, there was a guy before me that just murdered with crowd. Who was it? Just fucking, I don't want to say name. I just don't want to do it. You can't say name. You just said a name unless it's somebody bombed. We just said, like, we just had six names. We don't.

He mentions every comic in the city. You beep it out. But it was some guy, you guys probably like, he's mostly, I don't know. But it was just like moving and grooving and fucking breaking them in all over. Are you used to the room? That could also be able to not used to the room. Yeah, but it also shows you you're like, oh, okay, sometimes it's like, I don't know,

you got to have, it's not just having, like, jokes you like, it's like you got to fucking know how to, like, maneuver. Yeah. So every super. But it's like, I can also, like, certain parts, like, I know how to bomb it to pair and get out of it. Right. I've done this room a thousand times.

So I literally know how it. But you realize, you're like, oh, it's a completely different room. That's the thing I feel about the pair. It's like, every other set is a bomb almost. So I'm like, I'm like, I'm not faze by. But when I bomb somewhere else, I'm like, oh, this isn't how it's supposed to go. This isn't how it's supposed to go. I'm like, oh, this is not good.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And it was one of those hot, like, your mouth's getting dry. And I have this act out where I fuck an imaginary goat. And there's just nobody laughing. Which is crazy that they wouldn't laugh at that. I mean, again, it's not high-brow humor, but I was like, I was like, this is your toilet. I like how you call it an imaginary goat as if, like. I would plug it.

I think they'd give you some credit for that. Do you commit to the bit, even when it's bombing? Of course. I'm like, I'm going to keep fucking this goat until you guys start laughing. Is that the animal fucking bit? Yeah, yeah. No, it's a different one. Yeah, that's what about my grandma, actually.

But then I was literally like, I was like, I'm going to keep fucking this goat until you guys are laughing. And I was like, and nobody's laughing. And I'm like, all right, well, you guys just letting this goat get fucked and still just giving me nothing. You're like, up, the goat's dead. It is. Just taking it further. Hope you guys are happy. That's the thing, dude.

It's once you have that stench on you, nobody wants to be the person. Even if they do think it's funny, they're like, everybody else hates this guy. I'm going to, I also have to hate this guy. It's so group mentality. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's what it helps to have comics in the back because when you're bombing and the comics can like laughing. No, there were comics laughing, but I knew for sure they were laughing at how bad it was going.

You just know because we all hate each other comics. I think we all love seeing each other fail. Oh, yeah. My theory. I was bombing the other day at V-Spot. That's a place where people bomb. Yeah, it's a nice bomb spot. And one of the comics was laughing.

Eddie Liles was laughing so much. Oh, Big Eddie? Oh, he's always laughing with like, you're eating shit. He has such a distinct laugh. Yeah, yeah. And his laugh was then get a laugh from people. As I would bomb, he would laugh at the fact I was bombing and then they would laugh at him. Oh, yeah.

So it was just like everybody was laughing at me. Yeah, but not with you out of your jokes. You should have kept it going and just said the N-word. Yeah. It kept it moving. You guys like me, right? They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, now, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's what it was.

You guys just don't like black. I don't know why I didn't. That would have saved a lot of time. You guys should have been up front about that. Yeah. That was somebody, because I had this one joke where, like, I asked guys something in the audience, and I did it one time.

And I was, so before I get on stage, I saw all short hairs, but that was all men. And then I get there, it's all lesbians. And I was like, and I literally point the way, it was like a canned crowdwork thing where I'm like, how do you feel? And I was like, oh shit there's no dudes

I had no idea how do you feel about traditional marriage isn't procreation the best yeah that's tough and when it's dark in the room too that's the thing when you reach out I feel like that I mean I've the pair is so dark

that's so dark oh really I'm the aunt but I like being able to see people no I don't like being able because if they're not laughing you can't see their disappointed faces so it's kind of like I don't know I think also like the pair I can perform I'm at hung over because it's so dark in there. I think I can barely, I don't know, it's weird.

But I think it's just also being comfortable in one room. That's why I need to like. I thought you quit drinking. No. Never. I do less now. Michael's a degenerate. T.J. Francis?

Maybe. Did he quit drinking? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. He's handsome. He does have like that energy of a person that does have an alcoholic. Yeah. Yeah, they can't drink.

Like a troubled. Yeah. He's got like a troubled cop look, like a detective look. Oh, yeah, for sure. He drank all his. Like he goes into schools and, like, he goes into schools and, like, he goes. tells kids like what drinking used to be like but then he goes home and secretly drinks

yeah yeah those are they used to have drug prevention in elementary school behind the scenes come talk to us about drugs every day we had one but what were the stories you hear any fun oh yeah it's all just like I did a lot of drugs and I got this shitty job as like what do you call when you're in the air on those buildings window washer yeah no

Spider-Man yeah I don't know when it's like the things hanging I can see schools going that far like have like a drug addict Spider-Man. He's like, you saw me in the movies, look at me now. Basically, one of the guys was like, I used to do drugs a lot

and I couldn't get a good job and then I got this bad job and then I fell off a ladder. And then I was really injured, so you shouldn't do drugs. I'm like, you could just got a job at McDonald's and that would not happen.

So he did drugs because of the injury? No, he did drugs and he couldn't get a good... That would also be funny if some of those kids' parents same job. He's like, I'm a fucking loser. I'm a fucking window watching. My dad's a window watching.

He's like, I used to do heroin. And then I got this back injury. Now I'm on to opioids and opioids are way better. Just pulled that whole thing. Yeah. I don't think that class worked on anyone. I think if you were going to do drugs, you were going to... Anytime you tell kids

to do something, they're going to make jokes about it and then do the opposite. Oh, for sure. You have a teacher tell kids why drugs are awesome. And it's never a cool person teaching it. It's like a loser. It's like, I want to do whatever he's not doing. Yeah. If he's saying be sober, I'm going to do all the drugs. Yeah. This guy's a fucking lawyer.

Our health teacher, remember, in middle school, told us he's never had to drop alcohol or smoke pot. I was just like, you don't believe you. Like, some, I don't believe anyone that you can't never drink. Some people do. Like, there's a lot of comedians that never, like Dane Cook's never. Never tried it.

No. Chris Dillian, but he fucks kids. Yeah, yeah, it's a different venom. That's not as bad as drinking alcohol. Those are, uh, no, of course not. He's staying clean. There's a question that's never been proven.

Give a guy a break. I've tried to, I've tried to quit so many times. Fucking kids is very hard. Yeah, no, they're so. Oh, God damn it. Oh, I'm making a new rule on the podcast, by the way. No, talk about fucking. No, no, no. I bring up people with Down syndrome and pedophiles too much.

Yeah. So a new rule, I don't have the crayons with me now. If I bring up people with Down syndrome, I have to take a bite out of a crayon and donate $4 to the Special Olympics. I haven't figured out the pedophile one now. Yeah, yeah, pedophile. I'm sure there's anti-petophile things. You have to get fucked. A tall man just has to come out of it. I'm sure you could donate to not to the church.

Do not make a donation to the Catholic Church. Please don't. That's what you should do. Make a donation to the Catholic Church. So you know you know your control. contributing to pedophilia every time you make a pedophile. Oh, that's almost even better. You have to...

And then what do I do for the down syndrome thing? I just have to... You said there's frown all the time. Just be nicer. No, no, but I'm doing something bad for... If people with down syndrome, do they smile all the time, or they frown all the time? They smile. They smile.

Okay, so you have to smile all the time. Yeah. But that doesn't make sense, though, because the pedophile thing is you have to contribute to the negative thing so that you stop. Yeah. So I don't know what the equivalency would be. You'll figure it out. Yeah.

Yeah, but anyways, you were saying you do something all the time and you would not have sex with kids or something else. Oh, no, I've tried to quit drinking so many times. It's just, it's too tough. It's like my 10th time trying. I respect your honesty because most people are like, yeah, no, I actually decided not to quit drinking, but you are just like, I can't. I can't. I physically cannot stop. I think that's called the having a problem. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. You drink a lot when you drink? Yeah, a couple times a week. Yeah. It's too hard to be. Do you drink, right? A little bit, but it's never been like a problem. I don't like need it. I think, it's not really a problem. It's just I hate being hungover. That's the only problem.

Dude, I heard the UK came out with a hangover pill. Really? Like, it apparently is like actually... It actually works. Because a lot of them don't work. I use the liquid IVs if you ever use those. Yeah, they're not great. They're like 200 bucks, aren't they?

No, like 12 bucks for the case. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're thinking of actual IVs. You're like hooked up to... Yeah, yeah. It's power. It's electrolyte powder. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you used those? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're fine. It helps, but it doesn't like... But it doesn't like... doesn't get rid of the hangover. No, no, not at all. And I think that, like...

No amount of water or hydration will totally get rid of it. That's the most annoying shit. It's just hydration. I'm like, no, because I'm peeing and it's clear. But I feel like complete... It's like withdrawal, isn't it? It's like you get addicted to it and then it's a withdrawal. But it doesn't make sense because I was a kid, I just never got...

I don't understand why as an adult you get hangovers as a kid you don't. I'm sure there's science behind it. You become more gay? Yeah, that's what it is. I think I was way more gay. You think you were gay or as a kid? Let me try to think about that. How gay were you?

What was your gayest year? My gayest year, probably 2012 was pretty good for me. That was a gay year. We thought the world was ending. Yeah, yeah. I'll give it a shot. Yeah, yeah.

And you're like, oops. There was the world ending, like, for sure. We knew it. I would be a little gay. Do you think there was anybody on 2012 who just pulled some fuck shit? Well, that would be the worst. The world's ending.

And you try something. And you realize you are gay, but the world's ending. You're like, well, shit. I could have been doing this the whole time. Yeah. This is fantastic. This is the best thing I have.

Yeah. You can never buy into the world ending stuff because it's happened like four times in our lifetime It's never happened. I thought 2012 was legit Because I remember like I don't know what it was I was listening to a song

And there was I was just It was like randomly on my phone And the beginning the song was like an eagle screeching And I didn't know that For second I was I didn't know the song was playing Like somebody else's phone And I was like this is fucking it This is happening

How did you think it was gonna end? What was supposed to happen? A meteor or something or? Yeah I thought it was like alien But the best part is I was with my best friends I was like 10 of my like I think I was like in seventh grade I was like this is a way to go out yeah I was like dude we're all gonna fucking die

and uh we're gonna be cool what was that movie where the world I had a good set I'm like that's it the end yeah yeah yeah yeah you know the movie that just came out that I just saw where the world world ends

there's like a media I think there's a media geostorm no it's just in or maybe I just saw it maybe it's been out for a while but I just saw it are you talking about John Cusack I don't know they're all 2012 that came out like so much 2012. The world doesn't even really end. I mean, it ends, but like, there's still people alive.

They don't repopulate. Fuck am I thinking about it. It's so funny, whenever they say repopulate, they mean fuck. Like, we go repopulate. I think it's a different kind of fucking, though, because I think fucking is like, this person is dragged repopulate and you're like, you're like, you got to keep fucking other people. Do you think during repopulation that gay dudes have to fuck women? Yeah, come on.

It's a team effort. Yeah, you got to chip in at least. And it's not that. It can't be that painful for them, right? It's like it's painful. It just burns. They're like, ah,

I think it's suck it up for a minute. Fuck, like, well, I was talking about this Eliza. There's a lot of dudes that fuck women and we're saying like,

the last episode we're talking about we're like, I bet you it's like when you wake up with like an ugly girl for them when they wake up with a chick. They're like,

ew, I fucking. I can't believe I did that. Yeah. But still, you can tough it out and do it. You know, it's not the end of the world.

Yeah, yeah. You can fucking ugly chick. Yeah, we should tell them. We should, Who do you know that's gay? Let's send some text. I got a... Wait, how many... Let me see real quick.

I don't know one. I do know a lot of gay people, but I don't think I have any cell phone numbers for any gay people. No. Yeah. I'm seeing if Dan Frank's in here. Just go all up and say,

hey, okay, will you fuck this chick for us? Bro, that's bad. I have no gay contacts. For our end of the world, hypothetical, will you... I normally categorize it by race, and I put parentheses,

gay. Yeah. I have a lot of weird words Super gay There's one Probably gay Soon to be You update people

I'm going to be gay I got this one Because like I'm in a relationship now So I'll get dudes numbers at bars Why? Wait, She's making guy friends Oh yeah

You know what I mean? This guy's Adam parentheses Kansas Johnson That's a cool name right there Oh his name is Johnson Yeah Yeah My buddy

My buddy will do that all the time And then it ends up turning It ends up turning That the other person was gay Like he'll be like Oh I met this cool dude and then the dude ends up being like gotten the guy's number. I think you're playing with fire with that.

Maybe I'm also, I don't pick up on like any signals with women or men. People trying to fuck me. Like my girlfriend's like not like look through my DMs, but like she's seen my DMs. She's like, that girl's trying to fuck you. I'm like, really? I was like, fuck it.

Rebecca from accounting? It is kind of flattering sometimes when you have a girlfriend and she thinks like other girls are trying. Like you know they're not, but it's like just a fact that she thinks it. It's like, that's pretty cool. like a waitress will come up and like just take your order and she'll be like that girl was trying to fuck you. It's like she wasn't but I'm

She comes up naked. I'm glad This is how the style of the restaurant. Yeah, I'm glad you think that. Yeah. But there's a lot more work that goes into it than just for sure. Yeah. Than just a waiter taking your order and be like, oh, now I can definitely fuck this girl. Oh, yeah. Also like girls are weird

because like some girls just call everybody babe. And that's also a weird thing to do. But like some girls call everybody. You're like, oh, yeah. There are a girl. But I feel like a woman who does that. has an angle. What do you think so? I think if a girl calls a guy babe or stuff like that, there's definitely something going on. She's trying to get extra tips.

She knows she's playing into your. Well, not even. I wasn't even talking about a waitress, just in general. Like, girls who are like that, there's definitely something going on. Yeah. The overly friendly girl. Yeah, she's after something. Probably after my money.

That's what I always think. That is always that massager. Yeah. That is always funny. After my Uber eats money. Like, I would hear girls are like, yeah, I just want to use me for sex. And they're like, anyways, I'm flirting with this guy, so I get free weed. Well, you're just using him for...

It's all transactional. Yeah, all life is... Life is transactional. But, yeah, it is tough picking up on signals. Especially when you have a girlfriend, you just turn off that part of your brain. Oh, 100%. Yeah, you're like... They know I have girlfriends. They wouldn't try to fuck me. That'd be crazy. Doesn't that make you more attractive to women when they know you're taken?

100%? Why is it? Because they know you're taken? They know if somebody can deal with it. It's because their brains are broken. Yeah, they're like, oh. Yeah, because you're getting validation. You've already been valid. You've been like pre-validate. It's almost like pre-check. And it's like... the most unattractive thing in a person, not even a guy.

What is? Meeness. Yeah. Just the most unattractive quality. Right. So when you don't have that? No, I agree.

Yeah. Yeah, it is one of those things. But I don't pick up a signals at all. Dude, I remember in high school, he texts me all the time and be like, yo, what kind of porn do you watch? And I'd be like,

straight. Pussy. But I didn't know he was gay. So I'm like, bro, I watch this. He's like, how do you jerk off? I'm like, dude, easy, bro. I spit my hand.

I rub it like this. And I looked through these messages. And I just clearly was sending him materials to jerk off. I had no idea until I was like 24 and I was like, oh, shit. That's crazy. Yeah. You got really, you got really into the weeds too. Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, yeah. Okay, what I do is I do this. You know, sometimes I'll do this. If you need a demonstration, I can send you a video. I'm just sending videos of me jerking off. And he's like, I'm like, that guy's gay? What? Never saw that coming.

Yeah. You never know, man. I told you I was at the sauna around here and saw a guy. Which sauna? At the gym. New York Sports Club in a story. If you want to see guys, if you want to see James,

taking notes right now. Oh, yeah. Some dude on dude action. I was just sitting in there hanging out at the, at the sauna as one goes. By the way, I'm gonna stand.

My brain feels like it's moving slow, so I'm gonna, we're not recording videos. I'm just gonna fucking stay. I'll put a nicotine in this. Well, my stories are very long and drawn out. So I can,

so everybody can take a break right now if they want. No, it's all right. I love this. I'll just do squats while you're, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Skip ahead like three minutes here. And we'll get to that. That's about how long it takes. But, I mean, to get to the end of it, a dude, there's two other guys in there with me. And I just have my headphones in and my eyes closed.

I open my eyes and one dude's blowing the other guy in the sauna right next to me. Right next to it. Like as close as we are to each other. It's a very small sauna. Standing? One guy was standing. The guy blown him was sitting. And the guy walked over to him and just put his dick in his mouth.

He's like, I'm not going to get your knees. You can sit. Yeah. You know, that's kind of easy. they communicated it. It was crazy how they communicated. It's called like gay sauna. Kim Back's like,

how do they know? Because nobody was a friend of mine. There was no words exchanged. A friend of mine built a sauna in his backyard. And like, I go in it and we're sitting in the steam room and like a half hour in, I'm just like,

man, this is gay as fuck. It took me a half hour to be like, something's not. We're just sweating next to each other. Yeah. We're just extinguishing fluids.

I would also love it. There was just already gay dudes in there. Like he built it. You're like, who how do they fucking get in? here. I mean, the steam room is just gay in general. Straight people do it. I've been in it, but it's a gay thing. Oh, yeah. I do it. Like, I'll steam up my own shower.

My girlfriend gets pissed by. I'll steam the shower and close the door. And then a guy blows you. Yeah, I'll get out of here. I have allergies. But yeah, there is so much sexual tension in there, which is tough because I like just going into the sauna. How is there sexual tension? Because you are, you're just like sweating every. I mean, if you want there to be. I don't really feel it. The heat. Everybody has their clothes out. Like, you just wear like a

towel in there, so you're like kind of already but it's all dudes. Yeah, and some people like that, Michael. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, dudes are great. Yeah, but no, I... You see a dude on stage, they're the best. I've seen a guy named James on stage. I like that a lot. That's when you get really hard. Yeah. No, I think I've been hit on by men

way more than women. I don't know why from gay men. You know what? What do you think of this? You're like, you're like a gentle. You have a very gentle. Yes. You think that's why gay men like me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They could just, they feel like they could just Well, gay men fuck a lot. You have a very teddy bear.

Yeah, I think gay men just shoot their shot more. They're just like, yeah, why not? Well, there's not as many of them also. So it's like you kind of have to be aggressive. Well, they also, they know. Like, I remember I was driving for Uber and this dude didn't, I didn't even tell him I was straight. And he's like, dude, I would totally fuck you if you weren't straight. And this is like two minutes into the Uber drive.

And I'm like, thanks, bro. Yeah. I'm like, oh, it's just funny. They know immediately. They're like. Also, I think there's a sense of pride. A gay person can turn a straight person. Oh, a thousand percent.

You can turn them. It's like a sense of pride. But it's like zero shot that a dude turns a lesbian. Like I don't think that's... No, I disagree. I don't know about zero, but it's not... Not the same odds. None of us, I don't think, could do it.

Maybe. We're all handsome. I can see Kim back doing it. I could be very feminine at times. If they want, like, an in-between feminine. But it also seems rapier. Yeah. You know why? That's awesome.

Why? Because they don't? Because they're so against it? Yeah. So you're like, I'm trying to have sex with somebody that on board. from the beginning does not want to have sex with my type of people. Yeah, yeah. But then I don't know.

Okay, wait, let's say you changed it. Let's say there was like a girl who's like, I don't want to fuck white dudes. Yeah. Is that the same creepiness to try to bang her? No. No, because you got to fuck the racism out of her. She's only, she probably hasn't experienced you. You could be like, yeah, you don't like other white guys, but you haven't experienced me.

So then is the gay guy fucking the homophobia out of you when you say you don't want to fuck? Like, you don't know what I mean? Yeah, maybe. you know, if you try it and if a gay guy can convince you to fuck him and you do and you're like, oh, maybe I was into this all along, who know? Yeah, that's got to be a sad if you're not, though.

And then you're just like, man, that's, I really... Oh, yeah, I really did that for no reason. Yeah, I was right all along. I should have listened to my instincts. I also have a bad habit of just saying I'm really gay a lot. Like, I'll be like, oh, man, like, I'll text you sometimes or I must be like, hey, I'm a big fag.

Yeah. That's half of your text messages to be. But it's great. And nobody says no, nobody's like, no, you're not. Yeah. My favorite was you on your birthday. You kept saying that. And you were also like, you did the funniest thing because you're like, hey, man, let's get shots.

And we bought like, well, it was buy one, get one free. So we'd get like eight shots and they, they lined them all up and then you just walked away. Like, did I? Walked away. Do you want any of these? You're like, no. They were trying to get everybody drunk. They were community shots.

Yeah. What a guy. I'll throw this in-pout job. Your own birthday. Do you do low- I do lower lip, yeah. What is that? I don't know.

Yeah, it's like a dip, but it's like cleaner. It's a little less trashy. I think that a regular dip. The listeners are like, are they still talking about gay stuff? Yeah. Dude, we did like 23 minutes is just talking about gay stuff.

And we end it with, yeah, just put it in the top of your mouth. I'm putting in the bottom. I used to be a production assistant. There was like an art director, a gay actor who's like being, he was like being super aggressive. Like, I didn't like it.

It was very uncomfortable. Some of those gay folks are a bit much. Oh, yeah. I've got an after show that you just put his hand under my shirt and I was like, whoa, this is like, that was like next level. I was like, you're inside my clothes right now. Yeah, he was like fat and ugly.

I'm like, if I was gay, he could be better than you. Fat gay, ugly, damn. But I guess if you just take enough chances, like if you're him, if you just take enough shots, eventually some guy is going to be like, all right, whatever. Well, that's just sexuality in general. He just keep shooting your shot, as they say. Yeah, as long as you don't get arrested, it's like, yeah. Well, that's, yeah, that's the problem.

But also, we've reached a part of society where there's a step before getting arrested, which is getting canceled. Yeah, yeah. Reasonably so, like, obviously, if you're sex- yeah, you come back when you get canned. Pretty much everyone's come back. Who, is there anyone who hasn't? And that only affects famous people.

Like, you can't cancel a dude who works at fucking Appleby's, you know? You know what? You can, like, stay away from him? Yeah, you're not going to cancel him. He didn't even come out of his train. He didn't even come out of his transphobic. He's like, I don't want my son to identify as a woman. Everyone's like, he's can't.

I'm like, what does he cancel from what? The TV guide in it? Yeah, yeah, that's a good boy, yeah. Yeah, why do those people say anything. It's like say it in your own home. It is always like the D-list celebrities that make like police. It's also funny to feel like this is where I need my voice to be hurt.

Like it's like I get it if it's like an actual issue but it's funny to be like my son being trans. Like nobody cares whether you're this or that. Chances are it's not going to affect you so don't worry about it. Yeah, or just don't bring it up. Yeah, they were making this big deal with the Buzz Lightyear movie because they didn't have Tim Allen. Because Tim Allen's very conservative and they didn't have him back to do the voice

and everyone's like that's why it didn't do well in theirs. I'm like no, it's because it's fucking 2020. too. Who cares about Buzz Lightyear? I'll be honest, I was psyched about it. I didn't see if it, I was like, I heard they have gay sex in the lesbian sex, right? There is a gay kiss. I know that. Yeah, but it's like a lesbian kiss. But are they toys or are they real astronauts? I think they're real astronauts.

Really? So what's the story with Buzz then? So I think Buzz Lightier, I heard, and by the way, this is based on a real person. Yes, this is just us thinking we know. None of us know the plot to the movie. No. So I'm guessing from what I heard is Buzz Lightyer, his co-pilot is lesbian, and she has like a lesbian kiss

to somebody. But does it even count if you're not even on the earth? Yeah. What are the sexuality rules? How much case you think happens in an airplane? Not airplane, but like a... A spaceship? Yeah, yeah. A lot. Yeah. You know that you're just float while you do it. You know the guy that wrote that

into the story was like, oh, we can be progressive in, I can watch these two chicks kiss? Yeah, that's the best angle that like you're like, fucking, ah, yeah, it's But, I mean, come on. Let's not have dudes kissed. That'd be gross. Have these fucking sexy cartoon chicks.

And he's like, I am a ally now. Yeah, bang me, please. Yeah. Sexy cartoon chicks. Dude, I think cartoons are hot. I'm tired of saying them not. There's no law against thinking cartoons are hot. As long as you're not child cartoons.

Rugrats were really sexy. No, that's illegal. Child cartoon. I'm pretty sure child cartoon pornography is child pornography. What about, no. All right. If the Rugrats were all fucking each other? Yeah.

think that would be, dude, by the way, look how it comes up again. Every fucking podcast, this comes up. But anyways, yeah, yeah, that would be... I think cartoon pedophile porn is fine. I think... Have you jacked off to Angelica Pickles? You could get arrested? That sounds crazy. No, because it's not...

What kind of country is? It's not intended to be pornography. I think you'd have to, like, create, like, sexual images of them, and then you're doing that. Is that so... What about when they're a animal? What if they're, like, puppy dog? What if it's, like,

pop patrol fucking each other? Technically, those are animals. That doesn't make it... What about, like, remember Arthur? Wait, dude, oh my God. We might have... Pedophilia is legal if it's Beastie Out. Yeah, exactly.

He's legal in some states. So, pedophilia is legal. Yeah, yeah. You just have to make the kids... Just shade your dogs, make it look like a... But overalls on it. Or dress your kid up in, like, a puppy costume or something. I don't think...

Remember the PBS show, Arthur? Yeah. Yeah, they probably fucked him in... Fram Sine. What was Arthur? He was an Hardvark. I did you remember that theme song fucking ripping. It's a simple message and it comes from Yeah, believe in yourself.

At no point are they like, why are a bunch of animals just living in this community? They don't have to explain. Why, the rest of it was humans? No, it was all animals. They had houses and they went to school. What if there was just one scene where they just showed like a human on a leash? Why, but like you just didn't know that was the world? Why do they have to go to school

though? There were animals. Like, what are they fucking career training? What is that? What the rabbit gonna do. New animals. I think it was, by the way, can I get, this isn't doing shit? Can I get another Zin pouch? Yeah, dude, get crazy. There's only two left. Oh, no. What kind of pants you got there? We're gonna run out of Zinn. Kimback is wearing

some fucking fire. These are snakeskin, yeah, feel them. Dude, you take risks and, like, you with confidence. Like, you, you could pull, you pull off an earring. Yeah. You could pull off, uh, he's got like, what is it? Snake skin joggers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are those shoes? Boat? No, those aren't boat shoes. These are, uh, uh, uh, slippers. I've had these

I've had these for a while but yeah you can basically do anything you know nobody gives a shit that's what you realize in New York like no matter what you would They're talking about fucking back to fucking these kids

No yeah you can take as many risks in New York as you want Because nobody cares And everybody's gonna be It's fucking insane Everybody's gonna be weirder than you I kind of it is exciting though

Because you can just walk down the street And you're like I'm gonna see somebody doing something cool New York City has people that just wear garbage. Yeah, yeah. Just walk around wearing garbage. Yeah, I'll always look better than the people on McDougal Street, no matter what. It's so crazy because the block around the corner from McDougal Street is so quiet.

Classy. It's classy. It's so quiet. It is wild, dude. It's just a jungle. I kind of go on McDougal Street, welcome to the jungle. It's insane. You see the gays push out the homeless.

You think so? Dude, pride. I don't know what it was on McDougal Street. I didn't see a single homeless guy. And I'm like, this is where you'd make your money. Yeah, yeah. And I'm telling you. There's just so many crack dealers on McDougal.

Like everywhere you turn. Oh, for sure. It almost feels like, I know like back in the day, they had certain areas where you could do whatever, where there was like no rules. I know in Boston they had almost like a red light district. Yeah, where the cops are like here. We're just going to funnel all the shitty stuff here. Do whatever you want here. We're not going to police it.

And McDougal feels like that. Like they just don't want anything to do with anything there. But it's just McDougal. nowhere else around that. Dude, people walk around. They're like, you want Coke, you want Molly? Like, they just say that. They set up table.

Like, with a comedy shop, there's nothing going on really on that street. There's a little bit. A little spillover, but all the actions are like Google. There's Johnny hangs out there, so Johnny's the guy that built a barricade for the listeners. They know the homeless now.

And then there's the, have you met this guy? He has the voice of a gay Jewish man, but he's homeless? No, I don't know. He sounds very nice. He's like, oh my goodness, I love Jeopardy. He does like the hip thing. No, where does he hang out?

He'll hang out by the comedy shop. It is crazy how, like, some of the homeless, you can't tell our homeless. That guy you could tell he's homeless, but his voice, you're just like, what the fuck? Like, they kind of just, like, walk amongst us, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like, like, how dare they? There's, like, a good-looking homeless where you're like, dude, you look, there's that one guy. Well, there's, like, well-dressed home.

Like, you have nicer shoes than me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll have new shit every day. And you won't know they're looking for money until, like, your three minutes in the conversation. I mean, the homeless people that'll, like, tell you a long story, like a 20-minute story. And then just, like, anyway, can I get two bucks or something? Yeah, if you're like... Based on the story, I will.

If you're, like, empathetic and, like, talk to people on the street, you're fucked because people will, will suck you into all these different things. Oh, I'm the worst, bro. But I'm so, now I'm just so fucking... You gotta be lazy. That I'm just like, I'm not talking to... There's no reason why anybody would need to talk to me on the street. But I've also learned so much from them, though.

Really? Yeah, just like, you're just like, oh, just like, what it's... I don't know, I'm always interested. Like, I don't want to talk to, like, very successful, people because a lot of them are very boring. Yeah. Like a lot of people are like, oh, I made my money by investing in. You got to save your money.

Yeah. And I'm like, you're fucking boring as shit. I'd rather be homeless. You talked to, well, you talk to homeless people. They got stories, man. How'd you end up here? You're the equivalent of the five people you hang out with the most. So you're going to be homeless very soon, Michael.

Oh, yeah. If you keep hob-knobbing with these with these. Dude, I hate that whole concept. It's like, tell me who your friends are. I'll tell you who you are. That's a stupid thing because it's like, I don't know. My friends are dead. Am I dead?

That would be a plot twist If I've been dead the whole time Michael Good's dead podcast The Zipauch is kicking it now I'm like buzzed I'm like am I dead Have your friends die What happened? The listeners are tired of hearing it

They're gonna kill two suicides and overdose The listener is sick of hearing There's more than one You made it sound like everyone you've ever been friends with is dead Yeah I just three people That would scare me a little bit Yeah but it is weird because I drove one of the friends to a...

I drove... The first friend to the second friend funeral, and then he died. And then the other one was at the other funeral and then he is weird.

And you dug one of them up, drove him to the other... Yeah, yeah, yeah. How far apart did they die? Like, each one were like eight months. Actually, one was eight months and the other one was a year. So it was like in three years

just like fucking... And then I know... Honestly, since COVID, I know probably about like nine people have died. Really? Yeah, I'm friends with three, but I know like nine. Yeah.

Have you been to a psychic to try to... communicate with them. You don't believe in that. I know what chick that is, though. Yeah. Her boyfriend died and then she, like, is like now a psychic. And I'm like, ah, that's just not what. I think when somebody dies, you think you're communicating with them because you're like, oh, this is them, but that's just your memories of them. Yeah, yeah. The psychic could kind of finagle it. I had a psychic come here one time. Andre had her on the podcast? No, just a fucking one. I could still see him. Like, yeah, I'm like, yeah, I'm so into that. Yeah. I can't do it. That's a

great Andre impression. Yeah, no, totally. Yeah. I believe in spirits. He's been over. But yeah, she came here. I thought she was really good. What was she here for? To do a psychic reading. Andre got one and he's like,

dude, you got to try this and like see if it's real. She was like, she was like, she was like, was talking and she was saying stuff that like only my grandmother would know.

And I thought that was pretty cool. I don't know. Do you think she still has Alzheimer's in the after? No. She has no idea what the fuck's going on. No. But yeah. God's,

she's just like a burden to God. He's like, she's not know. What the fuck? Yeah. Or she does have her memory now, but then she didn't have it then. So, like, what is she remembering, you know? Oh, yeah.

Wait, what if all the memories come back? She's like, I was acting like a fucking idiot that those last couple years. She was in my pants and screaming. I heard you guys talking about me. Yeah, you guys were dicks. I was in the room. That is the funniest thing with you all over. You can just talk about them.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're not. Yeah, they're not all here. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I believed in it for like maybe a week after that. I was, like, really into it. And then it just kind of, like, goes away.

And I'm like, yeah, maybe, maybe you can. could kind of explain everything she said because you can kind of she kind of like talks you into like saying shit. Of course I bet you. People are the same kind of. Right. Right. I bet you she pulled some shit where she was like

you didn't tell her about your grandma right? No. But also if everybody's grandma's dead. You probably figured out your age. You probably have a dead grandma. Right, right. Everybody are around 20 to 35 has a dead grandma. And also if they're accurate, why would they have to ask you anything? Yeah. Like, why would they have to get any

information? You remember the South Park episode with John Edwards crossing over? When they have the psychic battle. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he wins the biggest douche in the universe. Yeah, I want to believe it. It's almost like believing in heaven. Yeah, if you want it, you'll believe.

To believe in it than not. You'll believe anything if you want to believe it. I don't think my grandma, like, I don't know, she was like a sweet woman, but like, we just didn't really have much of a relationship. I remember her bring me to the video store. Like, she cared about me, but it wasn't like, I was like, by the time I started. She left you there? Yeah.

Well, it was like, by the time I became cognitive, she became not cognitive. So, like, she got Alzheimer's when I was, like, seven. So once I became a real person, because, like, you're not a real person when your child. Right. You're 12, probably 10. You have actual thoughts. Develop an identity, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And then once that happened, she started disappearing mentally. So it was like, we, there's no way she wanted to communicate with me, it seems like. Right. And I never met my grandma on that side, but. Yeah. But, yeah, I was big into, like, signs and shit, like, looking for signs and stuff for a while. you kind of like lose it. Yeah.

But it's like if you're looking for shit, you can definitely find stuff like all the time. Be like, oh, that's a sign or that's like a song comes on. You're like, oh, that's crazy. That song came on. Yeah, well, I did that where I text to one of my friends is like, hey, I miss Sean, our friend of dad. My buddy's like, dude, that's crazy.

I was just driving by his grave. But I'm like, also he drives by his grave every day. Right, right. I don't know if that's... Right. Could be coincidence or... Depends how you look at it. Yeah, yeah.

You know? Yeah. Yeah, I always worry. I don't know, I don't believe in ghosts, but in the middle of the night, I'll think, I believe in them. Yeah,

like, I'll see, like, a shadow. The worst is, like, taking edibles because,

like, I'll take a fucking edible. Yeah, then your mind is just fucked. Dude, and then I'm like, oh my God, my friends are haunting me,

and it's literally just like a blanket that's in the corner of the room, but I'm like, it looks enough like a person. Imagine your friend was a blanket. Michael, it's me. The funny thing is one of my friends did say,

he's joking around where a kid's like, he's like, well, I'm going to come back and haunt the fuck out of you. And that guy's dead now and I'm like, I feel like he's going to come back and haunt the fuck out of this. That's crazy.

Yeah. Do you know any dead people? Yeah, I've got some dead folks in my family. Never met a dead person. No, I mean, you don't usually meet him, but. I've never been haunted by one. Actually, I have. I've gone to a seance.

Open caski. That's meeting a dead person in a way. Yeah, kind of. Give them a pound. Yeah. Yeah, no, I've never, I've never been haunted. If that's what you mean, no. Yeah, I don't think I've been haunted.

No, and I, I, I, every ghost story could be explained, I believe. Yeah, I saw ghost as a kid and I don't believe them because I'm like, my imagination was crazy. Where would you say? So I've seen like four probably. Like what happened, exactly. So the first one I was at my cousin's house and I saw this like black figure walking towards me and I thought it was my dad

and I was laying in bed and it was walking this way and then it just walked over me and went into the wall behind me. What do you think it was now looking back on it? Probably just like I do. If it's dark enough, you can have hallucinations. That's, yeah, I've had hallucinations a bunch of. Yeah. And then one was this woman. I probably had like, what's it called, when you're paralyzed in your sleep.

What's that called? Sleep paralysis. Yeah, it's all this like woman. I get that a lot and then a dick always ends up in my mouth. I can't get rid of it. You can get rid of it. First incapacitate me. Then you can do it.

Then it's not gay. You think our dicks tastes like anything? Probably. Yeah. Ghost dicks. Ghost dicks definitely tastes like something. Yeah. They're probably salty because like you think about sweat.

Ooh. It's just the sweatiest. What if dicks just tastes exactly like vagina? What it tastes like lollipops? Yeah, this whole time we've had like stinky dicks and the girls just don't complain about it. I guarantee you because my girlfriend's been like your balls smell horrible. Yeah, that's sweat. But it's like anything like I'm sure like I didn't make guacamole every day.

I'm sure like anything that's like covered, it might not just be your day. You know, it might just be like, I don't know, any area that's like covered and sweaty is going to be like your armpits. Sweat doesn't smell until it touches clothing. Apparently it interacts with like the fibers and that's what makes things smell. Wow. Who know? Wait, so what was your second ghost story? So we have like a haunted lakehouse

In Florida That's how you bought it It was a haunted No it was like It was like it was rented out to like It was like basically a lake house that was rented out It was like a beach house Yeah

And there was this gang in Chicago Called the Mob Barker gang And what happened was my great grandfather He was like He got a call from like some like fake names She's like I'm Sandy so and so And me and my two sons want to go Stay here for the weekend

So they stayed there for the weekend And then the cops came And there was one of the longest FBI shootouts at that house. When was this a long time ago? In 1938 or something or 32. Wow. It wasn't 34.

It was either 32 or 38. Somewhere in that range. But yeah. And when I was a kid, like I went as an adult and like you'd all stay in the same room and you just hear footsteps walking up down the stairs like all night. And they're like just us three staying here. And then me and my buddy were there and I shined a light one time. And I saw, I was with my friend.

We saw like two legs and like a pinstripe suit. And we thought it was our other friend. And we walked up. And then he ended up being like outside. the whole time. So I guess I just saw you saw it? You both saw it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the only one is an adult and we just got drunk and did like

a Ouija board. It didn't work. Yeah, that's a Ouija board. Yeah. Yeah, they're for ages nine and up. Ghosts are like, we're not playing this stupid game with you guys. Yeah. It also is like, that's insulting to ghosts. It'd be such an annoying thing to communicate because they have to communicate by like, okay, A, C,

you know, they have to like one by one do each letter. And it's probably like, it's like T-9 texting, where you have to type three times to text something. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's pretty gay. Yeah. I think it's a gay ghost.

That would be like if a gay person type. How many times do you think we've said gay in the last 40 minutes? It's a lot. It's a gay tracker. Can we change it to Mexican? I mean, the art on the pockets is you with an erection. That's true. That's true.

Yeah, it does tap into my gay instincts. Yeah. That's a sweet erection. How did you decide how big to make that erection? So what I did is I took a picture. I looked up guy with bone. Yeah. I had to go through a lot of, I sampled a lot.

I don't know that this is the one. Yeah. But it's actually a cut out of a costume. There was a costume where it's a pair of sweatpants with an erection. That's sweet. So I took that. I didn't want to copyright it. So I had somebody draw that and then paste my face on.

Brilliant. Yeah, man. But out there, my, so out there, if his podcast ever blew up when I changed the cover our back, because I'm trying to apply for jobs, now it's just a cup of coffee. Yeah. Which is so funny because I was talking about how lame it is. And one of my friends has a podcast. It should be a cup of coffee with an erection.

Well, it's because I was applying for. jobs, but my buddy was hilarious because he goes, I was like, yeah, I changed the cover art to just like some dumb shit, just like a cup of coffee. I forgot his podcast is a cup of coffee. That's a cover. What podcast is that? A cup of jokes. Actually, very funny. Jake Rika, listen to it, check it out.

And Joe Sensabella, funny podcast. I won't, but thank you for telling me. But, yeah, no, so out there, if this podcast ever blew up and I went back to the original cover, which I'm going to, somebody's going to be like, that's my fucking, that's me, boner, dude. I recognize that boner. It's also, I don't know. That is kind of a funny, I should just be that for,

I should be my cover art for Halloween, wouldn't you? Yeah, that'd be great. Just walk around with a boner all day. What's the best costume you guys have seen on Halloween? That I've seen or that I've worn. Worn and then seen. My buddy went as a bloody tampon one year in college. And that was just so disturbing.

But it got good reactions. People loved it. Yeah, yeah. But I was like that. There's Charlie Sheen one year. That's pretty fun. Yeah. But that's also got to be hard because, like,

I feel like it doesn't immediately give it away. I mean, I had the hair, the wig, I had the bowling shirt, the cargo shorts. Oh, okay, so you were like two and a half men, Charlie Sheen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk about somebody who fell off the fucking map, dude. Charlie Sheen? I haven't heard about anything from him.

You had a breakdown, didn't they? Yeah, but, like, I normally, I wish she was more in the public. Was he ever a comic now, right? No, no. I wish she was more in the public eye, though. You know what I mean? I hate when people go crazy and then you just don't hear from them. Yeah, like Britney Spears, you always hear about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's she up to? Well, she's supposed to dudes. Oh, really? Is she? I believe so, yeah. That's crazy. She's old as fuck.

How old is she? She's like fucking 90? No. Let's guess before you look it up. Let's guess. I'd say 42. I'm going to say 42. It's a pretty good guess.

I would take the under on that. I think she's still super young. She's younger than you would think. I'd say 40. She's like shockingly young for how long she's been around. Damn. What?

50? 40. Wow. She's young as shit. Yeah. I didn't, because she, I guess she made it as a child. Yeah, because she was 18 in the late 90s.

16 when she came out with that, with that Hit Me Baby one more time. I did it again. Which was so crazy, dude. Those were the good old days where you could, where like that was sexy. I wasn't even old enough to jack off. Right, but for us it was appropriate because we were 12 years old.

If I was old enough to jack off during Britney Spears come up, I would have been fucking doing it all the time. Oh, way. I would have been, forget about it. But like she was the hot, she was like the hot chick and she was 16. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember somebody lied to me, somebody I was friends with, and they told me they fucked Jamie Lynn Spears when we were like... Wasn't she pregnant too? Yeah, but we were like 10 and I was so mad. I was like, why did he get to fuck Jamie? Lucky. The story was so somebody was like, yeah, she was just like filming something in Ocala, Florida. It was just like, by the lakehouse. I was told by somebody that they fucked somebody at her at the lakehouse.

They're like, yeah, no, she just banged me. Or no, no, what I was told is that she took him and put him between her legs and just like grinded her vagina on it. Wait, is that a true story? No, no, no, no, no. She did not. But that's like the perfect person to make up having sex with. Yeah, yeah, you're like, yeah. She's not up to anything like significant right now.

No, she's Jamie Lynn Spears. Her and Brittany like hate each other apparently. Why? I don't know. I bet you Jamie probably thinks the dad's cool. And then Brittany's like, my dad's a piece of shit or something like that. Yeah. They're off to rails.

They're like biological system. Thank God we didn't get successful that young, you know. Yeah, that would drive me fucking crazy. I'll get the littlest bit of like success in comedy and I'll start to be like, fuck everybody. I don't know my family. I want to blow up when I'm like 60. I'm like an old guy.

That's kind of the move. Ron White. Is that when he, who's Ron White? So old, dude. He blew up when he was like, Lewis Black was pretty old, right? Yeah,

but he also, Lewis Black started when he was like 45. Stand up? Yeah. It's crazy. He was like one of the few people that like Carlin like liked. Carlin like was this weird. Well,

how old was Carlin when he blew up? He wasn't like super young. No, probably 30s. All right. That late 30s? There's always like one of those guys who always looked old, Carlin.

Yeah, like Steve Martin's had white hair. hair forever. Yeah. Those stories are so bad though for people in comedy or people doing anything. Because it's like, oh, this guy didn't get successful until he was 80 years old. It looks like I'm in good shape. I'm only 70s.

Yeah, it's like I still got it. It's like no. I mean, you could get rid of 75% of comics and we'd be fine. Oh, yeah. Well, that's the most annoying thing you hear about back of the day. Like hearing older comics talk and they're like, yeah, there was like 20 of us doing it. I'm like, oh, that's fucking so. Yeah, because that wasn't like a big thing bad. Like chasing your dreams. wasn't like a thing back then. It was like either you are.

Either you are showbiz or you're not. Like you know your first, first time. It's like, okay, this guy's good. But also, I feel like standup was funnier back then.

Like, a lot of the clips I watch are older clips. Yeah, but I also don't know if you're saturated with it now. Yeah, there's so much. Every time you go on Instagram, it's just different comics.

Dude, it's so much. I wonder what it's like to see, to have like a non. Yeah, you feel like you have to do it because everyone else is doing it. Yeah.

People know it, bro. People bring up comics. I didn't think people knew about. They're like, oh, yeah, I watched, like, Theo Vons do thing. And I'm like, how does this guy know who you don't realize how big these people are to, like, just random people. Theo's great. No, he is.

But I'm saying, like, you, like, you forget that he's that big. Yeah, like, household names. But people don't get into, like, household names until we've known him for, like, 10 years, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I watched Theo Vaughn's, like, half hour special on Comedy Central. Right. This guy's great. Right.

And I didn't hear about him for, like, now people are like, oh, this new guy's really good. He's, like, he's been really good for, like, 15 years. And then people here, and then like non-comics hear about him. Yeah. And then there's always just that random guy you see next Netflix special. You're like, who the fuck is this guy? Like, I don't know who he is, but he has like a, it's crazy. I saw Mark Norman at the stand last night.

And he got like a big ovation when he went up on stage. And I was like, oh, it's good to know that like the average person knows. Oh, yeah. He's a big draw. Mark Norman. Yeah. Dude, when I, I like to say when I used to, when I used to bark, I stopped barking like a week ago. I was like, back in the days.

Why, isn't it a barker? Yeah, but it was just like, you. is tearing my soul apart. You're just out there on the street corner for hours, and people are so mean to you. Especially when you're like you, dude, and you're interacting with everything. And you're taking everything personal

when someone's like, fuck you. Oh, yeah, I would respond to every single word. I don't get any of your comedy shot. Yeah, you don't want to go to my comedy show. How about you die? It's an emotional roller coaster for Michael Good out there. Meanwhile, I just have headphones in and I'm like, yeah, if you want to go to this.

People are like, fuck you, you ball piece of shit. Yeah, I can't hear anything. I'm like, this is beautiful. But it does suck the life out of you. Just being around that energy. It's just like. Has anyone gotten fired from parking? So toxic.

Yeah, of course. I should have been like 100 times. Dude, you are the worst part of it. I just keep showing up. I think you're such a good joke writer. They're like, yeah, we're going to keep his guy. And you're such a funny comic. They're like, yeah, we're going to keep his guy.

Oh, yeah, my talent is the only thing keeping me around. But it's funny because I have middle age guys. They're like, hey, man, do you know where Shane Gillis is performing tonight? I'm like, you're 50. Right here. He's inside right now. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that.

I'll be like, we get a lot of drop in sometimes. So you never know who's going to stop in. I used to be hype. There's a comic name Kyle Gillis and Shannon Harris was in the lineup. So I was like, yeah, you know, Shannon Harris, Kyle Gillis. Kind of like almost merging the names. Yeah, yeah, really. I've heard of that. Yeah, nobody knows the difference.

I've heard of both of those names before. Yeah, maybe it's the same person going under two things. But yeah, it is tough because like the sellers right there and people are like, oh, we can maybe see David Tell, Louis C.K. and Chris Rock. Or we can see Ben Frank. Yeah, or we kick up. And we have to be like, oh, it's almost. as good as that.

It's like, no, it's a whole different sport we're playing. It is funny, though, when people go to the cellar and the pair at the same night, and occasionally people be like, dude, the cellar sucked compared to this. I'm like, really? What happened? Sometimes people like the grungy, dinginess of the, of, because it feels like, it's like, okay, this is like, anything goes at this place. We're at the cellar, people have, like, careers.

The cellar's not dimly lit, is it? I've never been in there. It's a little too well. I wouldn't want to go there until I'm working there. I hate, like, hanging out at places or not. Oh, yeah. The stand's different. because it's like so laxed with that.

But like I don't want to put my phone in a bag and be sat in the front row. I've gone to shows at the cellar. They're really, uh, really good. But it is like, it's kind of too well lit in there, I think. It's not as, it's not nearly as dingy, but then you come into the pair. You should go up to the owners and tell them. Yeah.

If you want to get a good comedy club. While you're at, book all of us. Well, I used to, uh, I used to, the way I would bark, I would say like, oh, they have glass cups, we have plastic cups, but the quality of the comedy is the same. I say, we're a trashier venue. but it's more fun. It's a year to write that. That's a great.

Thinking of the best slogan for the pair. It's not for everybody. It's only for the rebels. I'll always like, I like when Alan or you are in the lineup because I'm like, because there would be a bunch of broie guys

and I'm like, you want to hear some fucked up jokes. Came back to you know, came back. You'll not forget this guy. Alan Fitzgerald, Psychopath. Dude,

the toughest thing. Oh my God, Alan Fitzgerald's a fucking hurricane up there. He's great. The pair is like his spot. Oh, yeah. It didn't take a lot for him to get comfortable there. The pair was a person.

It'd be Alan Fitzgerald. He almost should be like, yeah, the face of the pair. The face just should be his outline. Oh, dude. Like the NBA logo. Like, my brother really likes dark comedy. I'm like, I wish I could just send you Alan. Because I was like, there's nobody else that I can really like send you that's like, because there aren't really like, I feel like dark comics.

Like, I don't know, they either made it or they don't hear about it. Like, you know what I mean? There's not like. You got to be great, I think. Yeah. Yeah. But it's also not, though, because a lot of people like it. It's just, I think the industry thinks it's more niche than it is.

Because you go to shows. They're kind of kept on the outside. You can't market them. Like, most places are like, like, you can't have Alan on, like, a regular show. So it's going to, like, it's going to change the whole. It's going to be either really great or it's going to ruin the entire show. Oh, yeah. And also, he was, he was just, because I was going to show them one time it was Adrian and I,

Polucci, then Alan, then me. And I was like, all right, I just do a softer version of what both these people do. You guys are going to be so bored by the time. I get up, yeah. But it is. But it is great because it's like, okay, you realize, like people. are taking big swings when they're doing offensive, like, dark stuff.

It's like, okay, this guy doesn't care about, like, his career or anything. He's just going, he's just doing what he wants to do. People will love it. Yeah, he's great. That's murder. Right. Yeah, but it's like, they love him at the pair.

Like, Kenny and Gabe love him. Oh, yeah. But it's also, like, you will see him murder and then, like, people you wouldn't think, like, the show. Like, I've had lesbians come up to him, and you're like, I mean, just by just take him. I'm a lesbian.

Yeah. They're open with that. But then they're like, we love that Allen guy. Yeah, people you wouldn't expect like it because it's different. And people, I mean, everybody has that. He's just saying what everybody's kind of thinking. I mean, I always say this, dude. It's like people watch gangbangs on their phone and they walk outside the house.

Like they didn't just watch a gangbang on their phone. And they're like, we all have that darkness inside of it. It just brings it out. And people that don't like it are basically just in denial. It's like, even if you don't like, you have to admit it's really good, like writing and really good. And like a lot has gone into it. You have to appreciate that fact about it. So it's like you can not like it, but it's like, it's really good.

It's not like a Barry Ribs type where you're just going up and just, yeah, I'm named after. I like that. Yeah, it's not shit. Where you're just going up and it's like you're just trying to be offensive. I don't think Alan does that. I think Alan has to try to not be offensive. Right. In his mind, he's probably like, all right, can't say this today.

Right. But yeah, it is. And you really can't get that at like other places, you know? Like, that's what makes like the amateur places. is good to go to because you go on a night like that. And it's like, you can't get this anywhere. I don't know. But you can.

There's guys that stand. Yeah, I guess you're right. They can do it. But they also have their career to look at and stuff. Although I think that's less and less now. Now everybody has their own. Kim Bagg says the most fucked up things.

Then he's like, yeah, man, I'm nervous about going on your podcast. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I'm like, you're at this. You're just saying the wrong thing. Yeah.

But that's also like, joke. Like, you could always be like, yeah, that was a joke. But if you say something dumb on a podcast. People are like, legal. But then they get to know the real you. It's like,

yeah. We're about to wrap up, though. Do you guys have anything you want to promote? No. Promote this podcast everywhere.

I want everyone to go good. Podcast at Chris Kinbeck's house. That's a new name. That's a new name. It's a traveling podcast. It really is. I'll do it all the time

to those places if it's easier for them. That's the beauty of it. People think you need like the whole setup and everything. It's like, dude, you just got to do the podcast. Keep doing it the way you're doing it. Is that the truth of podcast?

It's just. insistencies, everything? I think you just do it. And then eventually, by the time people are listening, it's like, okay, I've already done 100 episodes. And now I have people's attention. I haven't done my podcast and it's like March, it still gets listens. Oh, really?

It's funny. It's funny. It'll still get like 10 to 15 a week, which is crazy. For one that hasn't been recorded in five months. The people want you, James. That's what they're begging for you to come back. I just can't get like, because they're not doing it Grove anymore and then too much content's so expensive.

Yeah. I just don't have like a, I don't have a, I just know what I just love how you've name dropping. You know, you're like, you're like, This. I have a big name draw. Who do you hate? Can you say that?

I hate pretty much everyone in comedy except you too. I was talking about you ever watch somebody that's really good and you want to hate them? I had that. Oh, yeah. And you're like, this guy isn't that. You watch you're like, no,

he's good. He deserves everything he has. Yeah. But I hate him. Yeah. He can still reserve it. Because you don't care if somebody's failing. You don't give a fuck.

Like nobody's like, fuck that open mic or who like. Yeah. He spit on me. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing worse than a successful person that you hate. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You guys want to plug anything? Or you said... The pair, almost every night, I'll be there. All right. On the street, baby. I'll be there at 6th today. I'll be there at midnight. We'll reverse scheduling. Mention the Michael Good podcast, and you get a free ticket. You get $5 added to your ticket. You got a pair.

Also, if you have any trips to sleep, because I haven't slept in days. Why don't you just sleep? Because I live above a bar and I'm mentally. talked about this. Amazon has good, like, just type in like sleep aid Amazon. It's all like, it's all like over the counter shit that you can use. It doesn't work. I take three.

You can meditate to sleep. It's the only thing I have to try it. I'm going to try that. All right. You have such a beautiful brain, Mike.