Morning Good - Bonobo Life - Episode 307

Episode Date: March 15, 2026

Alan Fitzgerald and Jake Strom join the show for today's episode. They talk about diner people, hating on famous comics, and Michael's Kill Tony debut.Thanks for Alan and Jake for coming back on the show. You can find them on previous episodes and hit their links down below for more.Alan is on Instagram now at @afitzcomedy. Jake is on Instagram as well @jakestromlol.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. We're going. We're here with Alan Fitzgerald and Jake Strom. Ew. Nice to meet you. It's still a foot away from your face.

Yeah? With the camera? No, the mic. that's fine dude I almost fucking shot myself in the face in Austin I forgot to mention this in the last episode

I showed up to my buddy I mean it's pretty bad there but you have reason to live that cycle yeah of every comedian in Austin they also they do get offended you're like

would you ever move to Austin I'm like no never in my life and they're like you hate us you think this I'm like no I've lived in New York for seven years

yeah I'm not gonna I'm not budging yeah no but my buddy we show up but he's got a fucking I guess in a poker game as leverage

he got one of those old Delinger guns like the little prostitute ones are like that big and I showed it with their house and they got weed and shoot at the table and I'm sorry I've never heard that called a prostitute gun before yeah I don't know what else to describe it as is where they have a little is that the first place you saw

it a hooker like hey does it actually shoot bullets was little little round ones right yeah yeah so I was like in my mind I'm like this is some like gay, Texas, like, you assume this is a light. We love guns, yeah. Yeah, I'm like, every gas station has to have a gun lighter.

So I'm just pointing this thing at myself, pulling the trigger. Russian roulette, basically. Yeah, just trying to fucking light the thing. And my buddy goes, oh, that's a gun. I was like, what the fuck, dude? So you actually nearly did fucking die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There also was a shooting that I missed because I was out of town that one night.

Oh, yeah, and it was on, like, the big street, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think it was, like, further down, but the guy running the gigs was like, hey man I initially was booked to do a show like 30 minutes outside of Boston

or Austin I was gonna do a spot that night but then he's like I got a way better one in Greenville, Texas which is like

four and a half hours away and I'm like yeah sure I'll think the better one we show up we show

yeah killer and all day we're jogger we're like thank God we didn't do the gig

right outside Austin and the next day we saw it got shot up we're like oh shit yeah

yeah yeah wait did the show got shot up no no no no

just near someone was shooting Yeah, just a random street, but it's also like, dude, I don't think, uh, I'm gonna turn to a sub little bit. Dude, there's a shooting in Providence recently, and there's a shooting also in Corver recently where my dad retired. Oh, yeah, they're kind of going all over the place. Strap up, dude, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but... Get that little gun.

Yeah, I just show up and I'm like, peon, pew, phew! I'm defending myself. Yeah. I want a gun now. I really do. I mean, it's your best opportunity to be a hero in life, isn't it? Yeah, just get a gun. Because there are so many shootings, like, oh, about time, you know? I waited five days. I got it. Do you think if you pull the gun, though, the cops are not going to think you're the shooter? I mean, I think it's worth it to die a hero.

I do. Just tell the person next to you're like, hey, I'm on your side and then you shoot the guy. I'm saving you. Just tell everyone in case I get out. There might be a mix up later on. Especially if you miss the shooter and just shoot like seven innocent people. Yeah. Just because you don't know what you're doing.

You're like, oh. That has to happen. You're trying to shoot the shooter. Like, how many? Just adding to the shooter. body count. Yeah. I shot six teenagers.

Yeah. There's another shooter. We got a couple of assists. It looks like. Yeah. Thank you. He's like, thank you.

Appreciate it. Yeah, yeah. You're known as the mastermind of it. Just because you can't aim a gun. Well, that was like that Dan Bills area thing was hilarious

where it was like the Vegas shooting. Yeah, he's asking for cops for guns. Yeah. He's like, I need a gun. I just saw someone get their head blown off. Yeah, let me give this guy a gun. Fuck out of here.

fucking gay ass beard. Go shape a group. He's like, no, I'm not going to get the captain goes, do you know who that is? That's Dan. He says that in the body cam? No, no, no, that would be hilarious. Do you know that?

Dude, he was in fucking Zero Dark 30. Yeah, that guy gets tons of pussy. He was in that one war movie. Yeah, he kind of, that's kind of what he does, right? He just gets pussy. Yeah, that's how he blew up. Yeah, he just gets pussy. He was the first guy on Instagram to be like, I get bitches.

Yeah, I get pussy. You guys don't. And now he hates the Jews. I think that's the end of. That seems to be the always end cycle of the grift. Yeah, yeah. You end up going, hey, it's their fault. Dude, if you're, yeah, that is kind of a good move.

If people would start getting bored of you. Yeah. You're like, I, uh, you need to blame somebody. People usually go Illuminati and then that usually leads to, you know, I mean, we know where that's going on. You know, the little hats. Illuminati's in the same neighborhood as Jews. Yeah, they're right there.

Yeah, they're in South Williamsburg. There. They live in the Jew neighborhood. Also, if you start calling stuff the Jew neighborhood, you're going down a bad, path. Yeah. Even when you live here in the Jew neighborhood, you shouldn't call it that.

No, no, no. Well, the thing is, though, because I'm trying to figure out what would be the right name because Gaborhood makes sense. Because it rhymes, what will be the Jewish version of that? Jewberhood.

Neighborhood? Neighborhood. The neighbor Jude. I'll get red and it's really funny because it's all Hasees. My landlord is a high seed. And I'll just, like, look around and I'm like, you guys probably know him.

Like, I like, there's part of me, that just wants to give my check to one of them and be like, you guys... You get this in the film, right? Like, they're an owl. Yeah, yeah. Go on.

Go on Jebediah. Yeah, he just runs out the door with it. Yeah. Thank you for this opportunity. Rolls it up, puts it in his mouth. It just fucking runs out. Is Jebediah you think a good name guest for them?

Or are they going to pull that bullshit? They go, hey, man, my name's Steve. Yeah, no, Steve's too boring. They go a little crazy. So, Jebidio... They go a little spice, like Jebidon Probably Kaim. That might be Amish, maybe.

Isn't Kaim like a super Jewish name? I could believe that. Kiam? Because Jebedai is more like Amish. Yeah, I was going to say that. That's probably. But they're always using biblical names. Derivative, another Jewish name.

Derivative? Yeah. Just looking up with the dictionary. Derivative. Yes. Percentage point, another good Jewish name. Yeah. Carry the one.

Yeah, it's a... Hostel takeover. It's a middle name. Yeah. It's a, Wait, you're in Bushwick, right? Do you have Hasid's over there? Hell, I got Puerto Ricans and the trans people.

That's all I got. Okay, we moved them that way. By trans people, I just mean white people who don't mind if you think they're trans. Right. Yeah. Well, because it's funny because, like, Lower East Side used to be, like, the edgy area.

Right. And then that moved to Williamsburg, and then Williamsburg moved to Bushwick. Bushwick is kind of like Williamsburg used to be. Mm-hmm. Because it's not really hipster here anymore. It's, like, kind of, like, rich. Yeah, it's either pretend Manhattan

or Jewishville? Yeah, you're going to have to be like, I think probably like a year, it'll be like the hipsters will just be further. They're in fucking Ozone Park. We already have too many of them in Bushwick. We can't handle another move like that.

I can't, I can't. It's a lot. It's a lot. Yeah. You know, I mean, listen, here's the thing. There's good and there's bad, right? Because like, there's the bad that's just talking to those people.

But there's the good, too, which is getting a crape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Having good coffee. 97 coffee shops, yeah. Exactly. You never have to worry about a bad cup of coffee in a hipster neighborhood. It just doesn't exist.

That's $30 sandwich. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, there's nothing more. That's New York City, though. Yeah. You go to New York. I mean, how many times can you order, like, a $28 turkey club at a diner before you're just like, I can't do this thing?

I don't get diners because I've never gotten a good deal there. It's fucking insanely expensive. New York's all diners in New York are stupid. It's a waste. It's only for when it's late. and half of them don't even stay open late anymore. They don't. Because that was the only food open, you go to the diner.

That's a Greek thing, right? Greeks are diner people? Yeah, it's always Greek diner. I've always heard Greek diner, yeah. Yeah, diner people, I don't know. Diner people. Somebody were... Using that as a slur.

These aren't complex individuals. These are diner people. It's funny to just do that. I saw a lot, somebody was calling black people basketball. People are like when the... I don't know. That's pretty funny. It's like somehow not, like, it's definitely racist, but it's in a kind of a funny way that doesn't seem as severe.

It's like also a compliment. Like they took over a whole sport. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so where you say diner people, that puts you on the road to just calling black people basketball people, but it usually takes months and months. You just went back to right to it. Wait, if Greeks are diner people.

What are the basketball guys? Just putting things together in your head. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying. I think Barack Obama is my favorite basketball person. You know, unlike most of them, he was more than just basketball. Sure, he took a three-pointer every now and then, but man had responsibilities. He did other stuff, yeah. He wore a suit.

He used to hop out again, dude. I haven't seen Obama say anything. No, it's cool. After that podcast, you did with Bruce Springsteen, I said, enough's enough. Yeah, Bruce got the DUI right when that dropped. who are you hanging out with? Good for him for doing something interesting. I've never liked Bruce Springsteen.

He's always been a fake, like, hey, I'm a blue collar. The DIY made him be like, all right, maybe you are. Let me tell you something. You young ones don't know. I think we've argued about this before because you like him, right? Yes. I won't defend everything he's ever done, but I can't sit here and not mention born to run. I can't do it.

It's a classic. Great album. Yeah. I just, I watched a documentary about it. much of him just going, we need to get health care. We got a blood fight for health care in this country. You've seen too much of that so you can't enjoy his music? No, it's not that. My thing is this, I've never

loved his music, and then we watched a documentary about his band, and it was nothing like a Kiss documentary, a Molly Crew documentary. It was all about him. Dude, it was just like, it was like, at one point, we had 10 band members on stage. It was crazy. Oh, that's your crazy, you fucking pussy? He never really had, like, an arc where he's doing

too many drugs or anything, like, yeah. Yeah, he did, but he headed it at like 67 and that's just sad. Yeah, that is sad. Like, if you're 22 and you get pulled over on perks or something, it's, you know. Yeah, it's what 22 year old is due.

Yeah, when you're 67, it's like, okay, bud. Yeah, Bruce. Yeah. Bruce, why are you leaving the house? Yeah. Stay in. Stay in with the acoustic guitar,

write another song. Yeah, come on. Call up Stevie. Yeah, call up Steve. Yeah, say hi to Stevie. They don't talk anymore. Really? Yeah, I think Stevie got a little too big

for his britches after the sopranas. I could see him. I can see that. I've seen him in the village walking around. He just looks like a pirate. Yeah, I saw him walking out of the Mineta parking garage. Yeah. And I was like, whoa,

I didn't blow up his spot. Yeah, I think he has his toenails all painted and stuff. Definitely. He's freaky like that. Yeah, but that's always a little interesting. Like, my roommate was watching the movie, and I'm like, what was he crying about? He's like, I don't know, man.

He just cries every time he writes a song. Like, it's just him crying. He might be the only gay Italian, but he isn't gay. Oh, that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, Springsteen is the... Yeah, I was thinking. Springs.

Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, I don't think that guy wrote any songs. I think if he did, Bruce would have slapped him. Like, what fuck do you think you're doing here? Like, don't even try that.

Don't even think about it. If I could tell you're thinking about a song, I'm gonna beat the fuck out of you. And this band, okay, whoever wrote Born to Run

writes all the songs because that's how it works. Yeah. Like, I've seen that family guy where it's like Ringo Star writes a song and they're like,

oh, great, Ringo, we're gonna put it on the fridge with the rest of the one. Yeah, yeah. We're gonna put it on the fruit. Yeah. I like, also, though, I don't know.

I don't know if I'm getting older or something, but I just, I hate on a lot of things. And then I'm like, it's not like genuine. It's just like, I don't know. Sometimes you just like get bored. If I'm not into it, yeah, I'm probably gonna hate it. Yeah, and I'm just like looking for things to shit on. I'm sure if I met Bruce Springsteen, he'd be cool or whatever.

I also, I don't like a lot of these documentaries that are like about people that are still alive. I'm glad they're doing a Michael Jackson one. And they're completely leaving out. fucking kids part. Yeah. Yeah, they're doing the whole movie. See, that seems like such an important part.

Yeah, that's what I was known for. And also he turns white. Like, I don't know how long the movie's going to be. Like, when are they going to cut it off? I hope we see bubbles, dude. I love the fucking chip. Yeah. So if it's not going to have any of that stuff in it,

I mean, is it just, because if it's just going to have Michael Jackson the musical genius, then it's going to be overwhelmingly positive, right? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah. It's kind of weird.

It's very weird. I knew him as a pedophile before a musician. Damn. Like when I was a kid, I was very scared of Michael Jackson. I didn't know he was fucking people. I was scared because of thriller. That music video was scary. I don't think it's as scary is just the way he looked towards the end. Yeah, I was like, what's up with this? Yeah, I remember mom's like, he's a very weird man. I saw pictures of him and I had like little nightmares. I was like, hold on my mom like is Michael Jackson. And then I found out he was fucking molesting kids, I believe. That'll add to it. Yeah. I'll never understand.

the people who watched that documentary where like just people who were molested by Michael Jackson. Yeah, it's like, I don't want to hear that. Yeah, yeah. Wait, how does that help? How are you going to function better after watching that? He was already dead too. It's not like... Yeah. It was a switch flip because I remember like when we were,

I was a Boy Scout camp when we found out that Michael Jackson was molested. Or no, dead. Dead. And all the leaders started crying. Yeah, that's our guy. But, like, we were spreading out of rumors. I think we literally went around singing ding, dong, Michael Jackson's dead. Like, he was the wicked witch.

Like, he's Queen Elizabeth. We were 13-year-old boy, so that was our enemy. Okay, yeah. It was him. I think you were a little told for him at that point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would be like, all right, get out of here, Grant. That's what he said to you.

Ew, are those pubs? Fucking gross, dude. That's nasty. Yeah, because he fucking, like, and I remember, we were, we were like, I would literally tell people, I'd be like, dude, he got food poisoning

from eating a little boy's penis. And that was like how... And then my family would eat... Wait, what? That's like a pizza gay type conspiracy. Dude, we were having at 13. Yeah,

we already got food poisoning for having a little kid's penis his mouth. And then we, I thought... I think for a week, I thought that's how we died. Wouldn't it be great, by the way,

if that's how it worked? Yeah, like a pedophiles just died from food poisoning every time they did it. Well, if you're a 12-year-boy listen this podcast, put some poison on your penis.

Yes. It's a good... It's a good thing. And that's the new way. You might kill like nine girls your age. You're cool. Yeah, if you're crushing it. Yeah.

But you might take out some, uh, yeah, I've said, can I have a son and, you know, I don't know how you get it to not go in the penis, but just go out the penis. Just inject it. Inject it into my son's penis.

Sit down, champ, I'm going to tie your shoes. Son, I'm protecting you. My wife's like, why are you putting a rat trap in your son's ass? asshole. I'm like, this is...

Stop asking questions. It's guy stuff. Lady. Yeah. He's getting in the kitchen. Yeah, you'll make me later. Well, then it's like, it was somebody too because he died and then like a week later I went to Europe and then found out he was like a well-respected. Because we had

MTV was like the only channel we had there. So it was like great shows. It was just Brett and Michael was fucking a bunch of horrors. And then they'd be like, and then everybody's tune changed dramatically. They're like king of pop. He was the best. You're like, whoa. Whoa. Yeah. Like you could probably find like a TMZ calling like Michael Jackson a pedophile and then within like nine months calling him the king of pop yeah yeah

Well you know here's the thing people are more than one thing sometimes yeah He was the king of pop and in other ways I guess you could call him the king of pop Popping kids assholes yeah, that's where I was going Just didn't have the courage to verbalize it like I read the craziest I read an article once it was like Bubbles the Chimpanzee tried to kill himself when he found out Michael Jackson was getting

in trouble for child pedophilia and I'm like there's no way that chimpanzee is processing that information and you can't find anywhere on how he

tried to kill him He's just peeling a banana and putting it to his head Yeah I'm gonna fucking do it Yeah I'm gonna fucking do it Yeah I don't know I don't know

Yeah like I don't even know Shut up It's wild But there's no way he like understands that pedophilia is bad. Like you can explain that to a monkey. You're like, it's cool if adults do it, kids can kind of do it to each other,

but then you cross over, then it's bad. You just upset that he wasn't getting any action. Yeah, probably. He's like, what the hell? He was fucking cute as fuck, grabbing his crotch for months. Yeah.

Also, I mean, if a chimp wanted to kill himself, I think he would be easier because of how strong he is. Yeah, you just rip his own face off. There's no stopping a chimp if he wants to murder himself. Yeah. Yeah, I just, I... He's all talk, bubbles.

Yeah, yeah, he was going for attention. He's out of the limelight a little bit. Shut up. Yeah, it really angers me that I can't, I researched, I think I spent a whole day trying to figure out how Bubbles try to kill himself. Yeah, but how, did you like try to tie a rope? Like, that's not. Yeah, maybe like a vine and you just kind of jumped off.

I don't know, dude. Try to tarz and his way out. I mean, he could just jump off the fucking Ferris wheel. It's not hard. He can kill himself any way he wants. That is true. You can climb that hard. You kind of jump off the side of your enclosure.

Yeah. Like, no, it would be easy for that chimp to kill himself if you wanted to. He didn't. You know why? Because he wasn't that guilty. Yeah. He didn't care. He didn't care.

It wasn't him. He was a witness. Yeah, he lives in a guest house. Whatever fucking happens or some sort of pen, you know. Whatever happens happens. He doesn't fucking know. He probably had a nice house. Oh, yeah.

Well, that'd be... Better than us, yes. I'm just mad he didn't testify in the whole child brother bubbles. Ooh! Yeah. Three people's faces were ripped off today in our court. over the hill in Massachusetts. We have a chimp translator here.

He says I never saw Michael touch any of them boys. He was getting pussy straight up. The chimp translator is now attacking people. You can only be around these creatures for so long before you take their head. Oh, no. This start of boys being molested. Somehow it's gotten worse, Jim. Back to you. It's also funny, too, because Michael Jackson

looks like his face is ripped off by Japan. Yeah, already. Yeah. He looks like. He looks exactly. surgically repaired. He looks like the disappointment after you've been told, no, we tried our best. You're like, fuck. God damn it.

That's what you're saying, but your face isn't moving whatsoever. I have to be like this for the rest of my life. Am I white or black? You're 10. You're just somebody nobody wants to look at. It's not a specific race anymore. You're 25% styrofoam now. Remember when Oprah had the victim on?

They're like, could you please tell us exactly, go through every excruciating moment when that chimpanzee ripped your life away from you? Can you please go into full detail? I'm looking in the eye. Can you please go into full detail of the worst thing that ever happened to you? Bleeding out of my front line.

Can you please? You said it used to drive, because you lived in a cadetia. The chip would drive around. The chip would drive around. What do you mean? I guess the chimp knew how to drive the truck. That's what they said.

They were asking for it. That's what I'm saying. The chimp was like, they were treating it like, kid. How much funny would be if the Chimp got a drunk

driving accident and killed a fan? It was on the verge of that. You know, it's funny you can do that with orangutans and they're almost

like a many person. Nice. Like they'll go, hey, you get to drive a golf cart around and they'll do it and they'll come back and they don't know.

They're like, I guess I kind of went to work. I guess I did what they did all day and then they high five and you hang out and they're friendly. So they're just like chimpanzee's get a big head.

Yeah, orangutans. I wrote a whole paragraph on this today or actually I was like drunk a week ago I'm like, why don't we integrate orangutans into society? Because they're more peaceful. Chimps blew their shot. They're done.

They could all been friends of Michael Jackson. And they were showboating, too. They were had Michael Jackson. Chimpanzees would be good for the draft, though. Like, in case this war keeps going on? Oh, that's a good idea. Some chimpanzees instead of people. And they're so stupid.

Could you imagine if there was like an alien giving you bananas and then you decided to rip its face off? It's like, that's the dumbest shit you can do. You're getting everything you've ever wanted. Yeah. I would ask for more than bananas for such loyalty, but I know what you're saying. bananas mean a lot to chimpanzees.

It's kind of their whole economy is based on. Yeah. Well, they looked at the bonobos are like our closest relative. And they're way different. Oh, yeah. They just fuck all day. Yeah, they look like chimps, like a little different. But like they're like the woman's the head.

Like it's all women run shit. But the dudes are just like chilling and out. Like they're all like stay at home dads. Stay at home dads. Yeah. Maybe that's how we fix everything. Yeah, because it's like we're closer to them and they figured it out. like, I guess...

I thought we were closer to chimps. Chimps and Bonobos look almost identical. So what's... They always say chimps have 98% of our DNA or something. Yeah, I think... And Bonobos is like 98.1. It's probably like, yeah, a little closer because like... But they look like...

The only difference is like Bonobos have darker faces and like smaller faces, but like it's... If at first glance, you, like, it'll be hard to tell the difference. But they, um... Dude, it's crazy. It's like your, your relationship with your mom. It's like if your mom is a powerful... Basically, okay. You'll the my closer.

Sorry. No, no, continue. Continue, I think I've had this all thing figured out to continue. Yeah, so basically, if your mom's the shit and you're a bonobo, then you're going to be the shit. And basically, not a lot of fighting. You get a lot of pussy. Nice. But you don't get much done, right?

If you're a dude, no, no. See, bonobos are Democrats, chimpanzees, Republicans. I think I have people to figure out. That seems, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is, they have a Kamala president. They're worshipping the women. Yeah. Well, I don't know about that.

They're going to girl boss. No, no, yeah. Well, I think there's the, yeah, if the chips are territorial, that kind of makes sense, too. Because the chimps are like, they're like, this is our area. I think they try to get more land where all Bonobos are, like, kind of traveling around. They're like the hippies kind of moving. Hey, man. Hey, man, let's just eat berries and fuck, man.

We don't need to rip anyone's face off to have a good time. We're just hanging out, man. Yeah, that's a like... But obos are gay all the time, too. They don't really know how to do it, but they'll just rub their dicks together until they come or something. Like it's a crude thing they do But they there's homosexuality within their Yeah freaky

I know Chimpanzees like fuck that gay shit We have nothing to do with it Yeah yeah They're just raping and ripping Ripping Manas Faces off Traditional American family

Eat our babies Faces off I wonder it's because it's such a common thing It's really funny to like think about like It's probably like I picture chimps like almost like a very OCD person. They're like, it's fucking annoying me

that guys got a face on his face. Like, it's got to be such a thing where they're like, what's under that? Yeah, I gotta figure it out. Who is that guy really? Yeah.

They're just like Scooby dude. Yeah, they think it's in disguise. Aha! Oh, ripped the guy's face off again. There's got to be another chimp under there, right? Oh, he's red. Yeah.

Oh, geez. Shit. Yeah. We probably also look airy because like the way we walk on like both of our legs. He probably like, that guy fucking is such a cunt. Why isn't he's a lot.

all four. Yeah, yeah. He thinks he's better than us. Thinks he's the shit. Mike, I don't know how to tell you this, but I think we've got to move on. I mean, if people want to hear us talk about, you know, chimpanzees that much, they turn on the Joe Rogan. That's true. Yeah, yeah.

I've covered chimpanzees and aliens. Well, I've also entered the J.R. Yeah, the Rogan sphere. I'm a big Austin guy now. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah. Never mind, excuse me. You're just doing what you got to do.

Yeah, this is all my fucking. Yeah, I suck the tech. Get in. Got it. We always made that joke. Wouldn't it be great if it was that easy to impress Joe, Joe, I hear you're into chimpanzees. And he's just like, what did you say? Yeah.

I've been waiting for this for so long. You want to do my podcast? Yeah. Did you know the bonobos are closer to us than chickens? What? What's coming? Even better, he just goes, what's a bonobo when you're just like, oh, fuck you. Yeah, he doesn't even know.

You're already jerking them off. Well, that was the, the, the fucking, um, we always. said this debate on the podcast, would you suck Joe Rogan's dick to do his podcast? But you have to do... But it gets worse. He clicks play three minutes after right after he finishes. Like, you have to wipe

the come off your mouth and then he goes, go. And he just got to be sitting there stared at him. I think the no would be to suck in Joe's death. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think he's... Because I did kill Tony and my first advice after the show was like, hey, don't be a suck up. Yeah. And I'll, that's good

advice and then my buddy's like would you suck Tony Hinchclose dick to become regular? I was like no my first advice not to be a suck up he's like that's not sucking up that's just like doing what you have to get ahead. I'm like that's a leet's sucking a man's penis. That's a second definition. It's at least sucking. Yeah. It's at least sucking.

Probably some sucking up too. Hand stuff is not making a move in this business. Absolutely. Yeah. You gotta get down and dirty. I don't ever want to I'll take it in the ass before I suck a dick. That's just me. I will. Close your eyes and Yeah, exactly. Here's the thing. If you're

blowing someone, you're blowing you. You're looking then. Yeah, if they're fucking you in the ass, that's happening back there. That's a different me. I can read a book and apply for jobs on a smartphone while getting fucked in the ass. It's not my whole day. That's a good boy. You could both eat it. You could shave while doing it?

I wouldn't, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to say, it doesn't look like you're shaving much. No. If I were to shave, it would be best to do it in a specific way where I wasn't getting fucked in the ass just because I have so much. But yes, you For a close shave. Yeah, it could be good.

Right. You could also jerk off and pretend a woman is fucking you. Yeah, it's a woman's dick in your ass. It's a strap on, yeah. Yeah, I'm getting pegged. I'm Tom Seismore. I or Michael Good that few times. You've never been pegged, Dan?

Yeah, twice. Twice? Didn't like it. Get the heck out. She must have been super hot, though, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Both times. It's funny, too, to get fucked in the ass a couple times and find out you don't like it.

You're like, well, that was all for nothing. Yeah. It's kind of like a lottery ticket. Hey, look at this way. The third time, though, that means you like it. Yeah. That's true. If you're doing it three times?

That means third time is definitely the trunk. Yeah, it means you like it. Yeah. Well, because I heard people say, they're like, no, you're just not going in and off. And I'm like, it hurts. I don't like it. Yeah. I'm assuming there's like a button further back, but I'm like, I don't.

I like a tongue in my ass in the tip of a finger and not even a knuckle. Yeah, the furtherness is. No. Yeah. It, uh, I don't like kissing. after. I've had that happen and you're like, this should be given that I don't want to do this. But oh yeah, I got to describe my fucking week

dude now that I'm in the Joe Rogan universe, man. Okay. Everything's changed. I mean, they have no idea I did kill Tony. Not yet, but they will. Reddit. It was such a funny day because I'm talking to my mom and I had to borrow 300 bucks for my mom because I was fucking broke as shit.

Yeah, I don't know. It was my last day to get out. Oh, to get out. Yeah, I was like, can I borrow 300. her bucks. She's like, your dad can't find out. Also, like, you know, maybe it wasn't going to need to go to Austin if you have no money. Wow. You're right. I'm fucking... I borrowed money for my sister before, like, 30 bucks.

And then she's five years younger, and she lectures me on it. And I'm like, yeah, this is just... So, I'm, like, crawling under a fence, just like, fuck my life. I'm like, maybe I'll do Kill Tony and things will go well. I'm like, come on, don't think like that. The classic thought everyone in Austin has ever had... They probably

have it every month. Every second. Yeah, they're like, nah, dude, I'll just go on this. And then it was just so funny, too, because I'm like, I'm joking around all day. I'm like, yeah, but two, kill Tony. It's going to be life changing. It's going to change my life. And then four people got pulled, and I was like,

all right, I'm not getting pulled. So I got a little bit of a vodka soda, took a couple of sips, and they call your name. You're in like a bar next door. And they're like, Michael Good's going to be on Kill Tony. It's funny, too, because in your mind, you're like, dude, I'm going to fucking have all these roast jokes. And I'm going to go in a man.

It's going to go in me. It's kind of like a war, like a flashbang just went off. Yeah, you're just like, yeah, yeah, because everybody in your mind, you're like, you know. That's what I imagine up until you go out. Yeah, you're just like, what's going on? You're like giggling. I hear stevos in the panel. He's like, I'm sober now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up. Yeah. And then did it, went well. It was kind of funny because fucking, they're like asking me questions. They're like asking my parents. I mean, everything came out. I was like, I had to borrow $300 for my mom.

Nice. My dad can't find out. I've sold footpicks to my podcast listeners. Everything is just like diarrhea. Let's go. And you look like a fuck. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Al. I'm taking views away from you. I'm sorry. Get them piggy's out. Well, then I'm fucking, you go up there and I look like a, I look so gay because I'm like, you look like you're like a child that just want a beauty pageant. You're just like, thank you. At one point where he says I can do Madison Square guard and I put my fist to

in the air. I'm like, God, why don't I fucking do that? The Tiger starts playing. Yeah, but it's fucking funny too because my fucking, you're asking if your parents are supportive and I'm like, no, I got a huge argument with my dad over Christmas. I went crazy on my dad. I was like, he's like you're 29 now, do you still feel his confidence in comedy?

I'm like, we're never having this conversation. I never ask you for money. I want to make more money than you you by the time of you're, I don't believe, but I just like said shit. You gotta say, you got to say it. How old are you? I'm 29. All right, I'm 39. You're wrong in everything you said to him. Yeah, I'm sure.

I'm sure. I'm sure. It was insane. But then a month later, I had to borrow money from him. After saying, I never borrow money from you. I said to the show that one of the pediless is like, hey, man, your dad's wrong. You're going to make it. I'm like, yeah.

And I was like, no, actually, he's like a super nice guy. He's like, no, fuck your dad. And the crowd's like, yeah. He's so going to watch that and go, what the fuck? Oh, yeah. He gave him reasonable advice. But watch that podcast for fucking years. Yeah, yeah.

He's like, you never deserve a goal. ticket or anything. Now he is watching it's really funny. He's just like asking me about stuff. He's like, who's his red band guy? And then it's fucking,

uh, it totally like, uh, and then he's, you know, he said I could do MSG and I'm like, this is fucking sick. I'm so excited.

And then afterwards I call him, I'm like, hey mom, like, I'm really sorry. Dad's gonna find out. And like, I wasn't kidding.

I was like, he's gonna find out about $300. I hope it's not like a big deal. And I had to tell him the whole thing. And then my dad just completely switched the next week. And he's like, guys, hard work pays off.

You've got to follow your dreams. And I'm like, you can't now. Yeah, no. You were a haters. The information changed. Here's what it is. For years, he's like, you can't even beade your whole life. But it's definitely a funny thing, too, because I'm like, how many times have I made fun

to Tony Inchcle? Right. A hundred. Yeah. On the one podcast, like, I remember we were doing something with Epstein and him being on Kill Tony. You guys knew him? No.

Not Epstein. Okay. But the podcast ended up getting like the audio didn't work or anything. So maybe that was a sign. Yeah, I mean, I did write an apology to him. That's hilarious. I've written apology to Tony Hinchcliffe. No.

Making fun of them? Yeah, it's very genuine. All right. I wrote this today. Dear Anthony Hinchcliffe. Anthony. I'm very thankful for the opportunity you gave me. So I'm going to take this time to apologize for jokes I made in the past.

now that you have given me a big opportunity, I have changed my mind on the past jokes, and they now seem unfunny and disrespectful to the Death Squad comedy family. Very true. Very true. Very sincere. I forgot they're called Dead Squad.

I mean, they're taking over. I hope B-Shires is with Red Band and the rest of the family. Yeah, pass it on. In the past, I've made jokes. I've made fun of the flames on your tour posters, which I now realize are badass. Yeah, they are sick. That was a bad take.

The gun, I was wrong. You were wrong. The gun and microphones also cool. Yeah, it's very sick. I now think it's cool that you refer to yourself as the hungriest wolf. Hopefully one day we could be the stuffed wolves with big bellies full of success and Terry Black's barbecue. Isn't Austin the best? Yes.

I certainly think so. Comedy capital, baby. Hopefully we can one day put this Put Put the past behind us And sit together on large thrones Two Dark Princes of Evil Comedy Raining Power

Over the podcast world Yes Perfect Couldn't have said it any better Yep So I assume there's gonna be some crossover listeners So you now know They'll pass it on

Yeah he'll pass it on He'll hear this Yeah, yeah. But no, it is funny too because you're like, what if I said? I realize none of it's in vitriol. I've never walked on the street. I'm like, hey, fuck that guy. But I am like, this is funny. The whole thing is funny. Right. Who have you, though? I mean, other than Hassan Minaj, what comedian have you ever said that guy deserves to die? I've definitely said it about Hisan Minaj, unless I have a big opportunity, in which case, I will say, you did not cut me at the airport after making years of comments about how it's hard for you at the airport as a brown guy. You cut you at the airport? I don't know if he caught me, but I didn't see him just cruise right through the line.

I remember him. But a liar. He's always been lying in his jokes. He got called out for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I was going to do with the Austin thing. I was going to be like, dude, I was on the ground during that shooting. I was saving innocent children.

Yeah, it says here you did Greenville that night. It was five hours away. Greenville, Schmeenville. Also, says here you bombed. Hey, how do they get that? How do they fucking get that? They have the set tapes. just security footage

the worst angle just the crowd just going like this the whole time as you can see Michael Good was not able to save people's lives

because he was bombing shithole six hours south of where this actually happened trying quote unquote new stuff that you've all heard before that was new there was a clip of me doing it

fucking three years ago oh what a constant and we went back and looked at All sets available. All sets are the exact same jokes. Not even some variation. He hasn't been to an open mic in three years.

The same eight minutes. He's supposed to do 12 minutes here. He leaves four minutes early. Didn't even get the line. Ran offstage. Thank God the host was getting a drink. High five. His friend said, I'm killing this shit.

And then left. Liar, Michael Good. We were joking about it. So like the mothership, there's like a, you know, you do like a three minute mic or whatever. It's cool because there's like in front of the whole crowd. But it's lined with like, what do you call them, like curtains? Yeah. Like, you know, like decorative curtains.

Yeah. We're saying, how funny if some guy just ate shit and tried to escape in the wall? It's like, he's bombing. He's like, there's got to be a scene somewhere. See, a guy's still saying bye. He's missing. Yeah, yeah. He's like, I got to get out of here now.

No one's on stage. Nobody's laughing. Gotta get out of here, man. But, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I'm trying to think of who I have actually been like, fuck that guy. For me, it's a son monage. Nice. I've definitely said it about Judd Apatow.

Okay. Judd Apatow has deserved it. He's not making any good movies anymore, so. Well, he did make bros, which I watched through us, crash on my buddy's couch. I'm like, whenever anybody's like, he's like, nobody watches me because it's gay. I'm like, I'm going to watch the whole thing. Yeah. And just wasn't funny.

Really? Yeah. Just sassy, snarky, yeah. That's the gay type of humor. But some gay, I mean, there's a lot of funny gay dude. You know Oscar Hayden? Yeah, hilarious. Yeah.

But, yeah, I don't know. I think, you know, I'll be honest, I didn't finish the movie. It was too gay. But I'm sad. Maybe there was jokes. Don't blame you. I heard that they went for being too gay, too. I heard there's tons of gay sex in it.

Yeah, that wasn't why I turned it off. I turned off because it wasn't funny. I thought you were all man for a second there. Yeah. I thought we had something in common. I was going to ask you to come to the gym with me, but I'm not going to... I'm not doing that anymore.

I could sit through... No wonder Tony Hitchcliff liked you so much. Unbelievable. Huge cock. I do feel like a giant hypocrite because I did not make fun of him at all. But also like, in that moment, you're just like... I love you, please.

Yeah. Save me. Have you ever worked in an office? No. Please save me. me. Save me. Save me.

I hate an net. I can't stand her. Who's a net? Just some bitch I work with. Wait, what do you do now? I thought you were just chilling. I am just chilling. Using an example.

I know you're working in offices. No, I've worked in an office in like three years. What? What are you doing then? I was working remote for my cousin's construction company and then we lost a deal. So now I have like no income. So I sold my camera. I sold some footpicks.

Did draw the line though. This guy's like, I want you to send a video with your face in it. And I was like, you know what? No. No. Three million people are going to find out that I've sold Fitpix. That's different than the look on my face when I'm like. Yeah.

It's about there. Yeah. That's a lot of trust too. Yeah. Like you're saying, like, you're telling a guy like, hey, you know, my life's in your hands now. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, man.

People could find out the thing I'm already saying publicly. But it's just different when you're like, because it's other guys, like, yeah, send some footpicks and then take a selfie. I'm like, I'm sitting on the couch. Yeah, I mean, imagine if you would, if you will, imagine if you would just heard George Floyd was shot. Okay. You'd be like, who's that? Like some black guy, you'd be like, all right, fine. And you'd move on with your day.

Seeing it makes it real. Just saying. I'm just saying. That is a great example. Yeah, that's very true. It makes it so different when it's just like me. like, oh yeah, we didn't want to see it. Holy shit.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's what guy's like, take pictures of you next time me eat a salad. I'll pay you. I'm like, this is fine. Yeah, okay, that's fine. Yeah. This is, that's, but I was just today as we go. I was like, you know what?

No. Yeah, get out of here. Yeah, I'm a celebrity now. Everybody's below me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, this is a transition. You start ordering around. Yeah. Yeah. We already got a fucking. lion statue outside of my room.

I found that in the hallway. This is a hilarious thing just to have out there. King Joffrey over here. Yeah. Tell ladies, you're in the lions, then. They're running away.

Now kick her in the pussy for money. Do it. Do it. It's the Uber driver. The money will be there. I killed it on Kill Tony. You know what that means, you fucking prostitute, bitch?

Me trying to explain to my landlord what Kill Tony is. I don't have the money this week. I'm going to be at Madison Square Garden. Yeah. How does that get me more? You'll see it, buddy. You'll see it. I promise, yeah.

Don't you work? You people know about show business, right? Yeah. Okay, shut up. Shut up. By the way, the air conditioner's broke. Maybe you could stop worshiping Moses for two minutes and fucking fix it. How about that?

I'll kill you. all right, I'll give you pictures of my feet. Yeah, fine. All right, I'll put my face in it. Yeah, I'll put the fucking face pick. Me and Patty were joking around last night of all the different scenarios of Kill Tony and MSG, just like, I bomb

and then he's like, Red Band, kill his parents. They're at B24, B25. Yeah, off with their heads. Now play a fart noise. Now dunk them into the hoop. Windmill their heads into the hoop. Patty was joking about, like, there's like a green room for the other comics, but we're just in like cages, like, on the back of, like, a trailer.

Like, we're carnival people. Send out the next one. I believe this one has a tight five, he says. David Lucas has a blow dart gun. He's in tribal. He's chained up like Jabba the Hut. He has one of the wheelchair comics, like, live. Come see Jabba the Hut.

You call him Fat. He calls you gay. It's brilliant. It's brilliant. People come all over the country to see this. He rips a vape and calls you gay. You're fat. You are gay.

And then it's done. Gold. I won't be participating in jokes like this anymore. No, okay. So, yeah. Because you're in the sphere. I'm in the sphere, dude. He's thinking about me.

You're on his mind. Not only do you have to not telling jokes like that. You have to call Tony and tell him right now that we're doing it. so you can stay on his good stuff. Right away. You need to call him that, dude, two guys are ripping him. What do you want me to do?

I can kill him. I can fucking kill him, dude. What do you want for me? Where do you want the body's buried? Guys, if I see distracted, I apologize, but gaming god is 69 just followed me on Instagram, so this seems promising.

Yes. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Get some new way in there. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, I'm got that to look forward to him. Yeah, that's a great thing. I still get excited, and then I'm like,

I'll see like an only fan's, like, fake profile with like zero posts. I'm like, maybe she just got started. Possibly she's interested. Yeah. You always have that, like, retarded friend who's always following them. You're like, how did you fall for?

Yeah. Yeah, the worst is when you see their name, you know you've been duped. Yeah, there's no way she's following that guy. God damn it. Yeah, that guy's a fucking idiot. I probably like, when I was a kid,

I would like sex with this woman in Japan. Nice. was like 40. I think it was legitimate. Electronic massage. Yeah. Yeah, she would be like, I'd be like, send up a picture. What was I virtually molested?

I don't know the word for that. Yeah. Yeah, but maybe I just looked like a grown Asian man and a 14-year-old boy. That's true. That was true. I didn't say my age on my pro. I don't think I ever said, like, hey, I'm 13. White people is dog ears, too.

Yeah. Yeah, if you're half-white, kind of makes sense with your eyes. Yeah, but, I look kind of Asian. And if you're tall, it's just half white. That's how they look. Yeah, yeah.

It's perfect. Yep. She thought that was a 40-year-old Asian man. Highly possible. You know what's weird to me? I'm very into Asian chicks. I'm not into Asian milfs, though. I'm into Mifs, but I'm not in Asian Mills.

No, yeah, they have to be, yeah, young. Yeah, I don't know why. Like, it's like, like, 23 to, like. Their faces don't age that well. I'll tell you why. Because Asians age so gracefully, if you're looking at a Milt, you know subconscious.

that's a grandmother. Yeah. That's a good point. She's actually, for sure, 409 years old. If an Asian woman looks 50, she's 90. It's not even personal at that point.

You know, it just doesn't work as well downstairs anymore. Yeah. The plumbing's all. Yeah. Well, I think it's neat too, like when I see like a...

Someone put a nice coat of paint on the house, but the plumbing is fuck. Yeah. Painting over the outlet. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think it's neat too. I see like an old woman.

I'm like, it's hot that you're old and wrinkily. like I'm into that look. But if she's Asian, I'm like, now you just look like, I don't know. There's a fine line with old. Yeah, I don't know. It just goes, like, I went crazy. I think my field range is like 50 to infinity right now.

I ran away just bored this week. I'm like, let me, let's check out. Yeah, yeah. They're lonely. Yeah. It goes to infinity. Yeah, it just goes up. They're like, we don't know how long people are going to live in a couple years.

So we're not going to change. AI, yeah. Yeah, fuck it. I think Max I would do is probably like 70. because then I think they don't know where they were going. Then you're taking a... Yeah, then it starts to get a little fuzzy. Yeah. All of a sudden, you're getting her social security checks and shit.

I've been there. No, Agnes is dead. I'm her husband. Give me money. I'm not going to pay. Well, that was the fucking thing, too, is like, I've had a week. I'm done with old people because I did those gigs in Greenville and all old people. So I was just, this old lesbians just yelling at me. I'm like I am...

Old crowds are either the best or the worst, grown. Old plus lesbian, although, I mean... Yeah, it's next level. That's next level. She was like a racist lesbian. Wow. It was very interesting. But that is a creature.

Austin, Texas is the only place you're going to find that. Right, yeah. I've never even heard of that. Yeah, it was wild. She had a denim, Winnie the Pooh shirt. Let's go. She was a cop. It always has to be a cartoon character.

You know what? She's only racist because someone did something to her. No lesbian chooses racism. It doesn't happen. Right. Yeah, yeah, that's a good point. It just doesn't. Yeah.

It's not brought down either because they hate their father. Exactly. That's a good point. They're going to do the opposite of what their father does. Yeah, she probably had like an MSNBC, like fucking dad. Liberal dad, yeah. That's sick. If that's the case.

Honey, you can marry whoever you want. I'm glad she's racist. Yeah, yeah. And then the next couple nights later, I'm like running a show for Mikey. And he, uh... Mikey. Old Man Hustle, Mikey? Oh, that's what I thought you meant, but okay, cool.

Yeah, yeah, he's great. Oh, he's the man. But I'm seeing these old people and they're like, uh, excuse me, can you, um, like, it's too, it's way too cold in here. Can you turn the heat up and it's like a thousand degrees? So I'm like, yeah, yeah, he's like, I need to actually talk to the manager myself and do it. And I was like, I don't even, I just run the comedy shows. Like I don't do anything.

Right. Then they can't figure, I was like, uh, it's like 30 minutes in. I'm like, hey, like 30 minutes into seating them. I was like, hey, do you guys want to pay for tickets? And the guy goes, relax. man. And I'm like, no, no, dude, I'm totally relaxed. You should have to pay for tickets. Then they can't figure out the online thing.

So I have to give them, I'm holding an old lady's credit card. I'm like, this is why people fucking steal from you all the time. I can't, I can't. You could take down their number like that. Easily. I was like, I can't do this. The amount of comedy shows where I've done that. You just steal old ladies. I could. I could be the scummiest person on earth.

I need a marker and some receipt paper. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You don't have to write or read the numbers. Hilarious. You just trade something. Thank you. I'll keep that in mind. Yeah.

And then the old lady starts asking me, she's like, can I get a Coke? I need a Diet Coke. I was like, I don't work here. She's like, I just need a Coke. Fuck off. Yeah, go to the bar. Yeah, I'm like, you know. And then like the woman who's performing on stages and old lady, these are her friends she brought out. She's like, can my friend get a Coke?

And I'm like, I'm about to tell you that you're next on the show. And she's like, nobody's going to be here by the time I go up. I'm like, you're next. And she's like, yeah, but my friend wants her. Coke. And I'm like, I'm not doing this right now. Get her Coke then. No, no. I'm not you. I'm saying, tell that woman. Like, you're trying to Coke.

Yeah. Like, this is so easy. Yeah, but I will say this. It changes when it's an old black lady because I'm like, hey, you've kind of seen. Like, I haven't done anything to you. Right. You know, it's not my fault, but somebody did. Somebody did, yeah. I'm like, you bet bet through things. I'm like, I'm not going to get super. But I just have exhausted with old people. Okay,

well, you didn't mention that. You should have said, you're like, yeah, I'm getting a mountain dew for someone that I wouldn't know. I said, hey, I'm getting a Sprite remix for someone that you would have known what you were talking about. Be more specific. Dude, I haven't had Sprite

so long. It's funny that it's just 10 year old kids and black people. Yeah, the full demographic of Sprite. Yeah, Sprite rips. It's because they were the ones to be like, yeah, we got different flavors.

Yeah, it's very. Fuck you. Funny commercials, too. Yeah. Back in the, Grant Hill, they would just be like, hi, Sprite's good. And they would give them a

bag of money? He's like, I don't even turn the cameras off. Just like, here's your bag of money. Literally, that was the commercial. Big bag with a dollar sign. Here you go. That's kind of what LeBron's doing,

but he's just taking money because he'll be in the Sprite commercial and then Draft Kings right after. Absolutely. He's just taking the Lakers money right now. He's not actually earning anything. He's just taking it. Yeah, it's like,

that is a cool black guy, I think, to do that. I only accept money in a brown bag with a giant dollar sign on it. In stacks. You know there's so much in here. You know, I don't even have to put the number on it.

I also accept money in necklace form. But other than that. Any other way. Any other way? No, thank you. Cannot do. Yeah. Yeah, some people,

I've had people just not accept money in weird ways. Not like that. I'm not offering a bag of money. That would be a very funny thing to do in the bank? Yeah. Would you get shot at the bank if you walked in there with a robber's bag? Like a bag that just has money signs on it? I'm here to make a deposit.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm not robbing this bank. This is where I do my checking and say. I got the one down the street Coming here to just, yeah, with Druss and I'm gonna, you know, your competition, it's got nothing to do with you.

Yeah. I'm helping you guys out. I haven't put on the mask yet. What are you fucking assholes? It's up here, it's a beanie. Yeah. It clearly has holes. Fuckwell's Fargo.

We don't like them. Yeah. But, uh, yeah, nothing's set in as far as, I think I almost had a threason the other night. Nice. Yeah, it was related to this. Mike, he was just like, this guy's going to MSG.

And we're like, ooh. Kill Tony Pussy. Nice. And then they also didn't pay the bartender. And I was like, Dad's fucked up, dude. But I got her phone number. So I'm going to get to the bottom of this. And then I just tried to do a three-sum. I was like, maybe at the end of the threesome, I could be like,

you also owe some money back there. Yeah, I don't have any money to give them. Hey, you can still be the hero at the end of your story. Yeah. Just do the fun part first. Yeah. I was like, all right, I'm going to make a group chat with the girls and keep saying, y'all, we should all hang out.

Hey, let's group. Yeah. Then the next night at 1130, I just didn't see a message on Instagram. And I call him three hours later. I'm like, hey, I know I'm late for the threesome. What's going on? What's up? That's like an in the moment kind of thing, though.

I don't think you could be like... You got to be on top of it. Remember when we were all vibing? We both have boyfriends now. I'm like, fuck. Fuck you. Don't bring them. Yeah, everybody eventually gets boyfriends, it seems.

Yeah. Which makes sense. It's very funny that it's like a single guy. I'm like, why did you have... We could have had sex a couple times. Then you could have went off. I would have went soft because I would have. him in my head because you're very pretty

and then you could have gotten a boyfriend. Then you got the boyfriend. And I brag with my friends. I was so sick, dude. I totally laid pipe. My roommate, he hears me go soft sometimes. He's like... Yeah, I hear you go soft sometimes

and I don't even live here. This is true. Someone will just tell me, hey, you know, Mike Goodwin's soft inside this 25-year-old the other night. I'm like, why are you telling me that? He's getting a call in the middle of the night. Yeah, it's Mr. Good is Soft. Mr. Good is Soft.

sir. So, why is he telling people? Why do I... He made sure I tell you. Not only, when I go soft, not to not tell people because it's embarrassing, but also it just does nothing to help anybody ever. No, never.

Well, my thing is, he finds out because I'll sometimes have girls be mean to me to make me go soft, so I like being told my dick small. So he's just hearing of one, like, yell at me. I've heard all this too. Yeah. I know so much about my... Michael Good Psyche.

I know things about Michael's good psyche. I think I know things about you that you don't know because you haven't put them together yet because you're just so in this debauchery. What is it over here? Not now. He's like, you're going to kill yourself in a week. No, this is, I don't know what it is,

but I know it's serious. We'll put it that way. I got freaked out there. I'm like, is something falling apart? We'll put it that way. Just leaves. We'll just put it. Yeah.

Turns in the dust. Yeah. See you guys later. He's having fun, grinning. We know there's darkness behind him, doing those threesome. That's really him wanting two mothers. He's on to me now.

Fuck, dude. People are realized it's fake happiness. Am I out of the way to camera again? I tend to fidget. No, you're golden, dude. But other than that, I don't like Austin. The downtown is fun. Other than the getting fame part,

nothing else. Yeah, I mean, it's, you know what? I think it's a fun city if you got money. Yeah. And you can be one of those. heck cowboys that like, you know, dresses like a cowboy even though you work on Facebook. So corny.

Yeah. They should don't. You know what? The shooting deserves. Yeah. I'm glad that. Yeah. Fuck you.

Oh, you got a gun. You're a cowboy. It looks like you're not a cowboy. Here's a robot. Yeah. It's called a gun. Want to do a trade big guy?

Yeah. Yeah. You want a Velo? Yeah. Let me try a Velo. You can have a smooth then. Get that nine milligram. Now, the darker ones are coffee.

The lighter ones are regular smooth. So it's up to you. Ooh, I'm going to go coffee. Oh, good decision. It's a good decision. But what was it? Yeah, I think people were saying the shooting, the guy had like a law shirt on or something.

Classic. Oh, yeah, I saw that they're like, nice try, CIA. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, really? I mean, let's be honest. I mean, I've said this before, I'll say it again.

It's easy to convince people the Muslims did it. How do I put this gently? Are you guys wrestling fans? Yeah. All right. Islam is the ECW of religions if you know what I'm saying. I don't know if they're not saying

you're agreed I wonder if they. ECW is the more extreme championship wrestling. The wrestling where you throw people through tables on fire and shit. Okay. So it's fine. Suicide bombings, 9-11.

They're like, hey, X games. Yeah, exactly. They're very extreme. Yeah. So that's how you could tell. It would have been a car crash explosion who was actually how long. Oh, I have no idea.

I just, you know, I find that it's an easy way to explain Muslims to people who are wrestling fans. He's like, I'm just talking about how we discriminated against someone. I have no idea what happened that night. I'm, yeah, I, yes. I haven't read the news once, so I'm just guessing. Just saying this in the back of a cop car. Yeah.

More ECW. Yeah, if you know what I'm saying. Sir, you just shut up a mosque. Yeah, yeah. Have you guys ever seen ECW? Shut up, sir. We were joking about That night I was joking about

I would never actually We're joking about going on Kill Tony that night Because the shooting was on Saturday And this is on Monday We're like just going on the show And being like, tonight's Kill Tony What was two nights ago? Kill everybody on 6th Street?

Huh? Nah? Fuck you. Fuck you how hard I've worked to get up here. Okay, my name was pulled out of a bucket I had nothing to do with it. Do comedy three months. just trying it out.

Yeah. It was a dare. I lost fantasy football. That was a funny grounding technique. I was like, let me not hold the microphone stand. I was just staring at Steveo's Wiener tattoo on his face. That was one guy I was bummed. I didn't get to me because he like,

I think he's like a sex addict so he doesn't like go out after shows. He says he does new meeting greets because he's just going to get a bunch of pussy. Yeah, goes back, whatever. And my dad would have been cool to me. I mean, maybe he's being honest or maybe he's bragging. I can't really tell. I can't go outside. I'd love to, just so much pussy.

Do you know how dangerous that is for me? I can be getting so much pussy. Yeah, I mean, I have to sit around here surrounded with jars of my own piss, but just because I can't go outside because some woman will hop on my dick right away. To be fair, he's probably doing sex the jackass way. She's like, why do you have a slingshot and roller blaze?

You're going to shoot into my pussy. He's like, this is too dangerous for sex. I need this. Jack Hammer. It helps me stay calm. Yeah. Yeah, I think they're, I'm happy BAM's in the new one. They're like, this will be the last one. He's finally good now, yeah.

Yeah, he was in the, dude, he was in the third one. You could see him in the back of his, like a prank. Oh, really? Yeah, because they, like, halfway through, they cut him out. Let me guess, was the prank at a CVS or some other drugstore? He's behind the counter rummaging through everything. Bam? He's not supposed to be. Bam! Oxicon.

This is Colanipid and Oxycontin. Steele. Oh, fuck. He's just slurring the words. This is Bammer chair robbing a CBS. Because I can't get my fix any other way. Take one. He's talking about how he almost got AIDS.

He was like hanging out with some prostitute like under a bridge doing like hard drugs. Like what? Yeah, I think something happened where he was like, uh, he's like, yeah, I probably shouldn't fuck this girl without a condom. Yeah, I should probably stop. Uh, every time you think to yourself, I probably shouldn't fuck this girl without a condom. You never have a condom. Yeah. Get out.

Yeah. You're like, oh, this could be fixed so easily if I just had, damn it. Damn it. Yeah, I made that mistake. I had that whole herpes scare for a month. Wow. Yeah. That's scary.

Yeah, now I'm like, dude, somebody shows me their tests. I'm like, I don't believe it. I don't believe it. I don't believe it. You're a liar. What's it? Ooh. Someone showed it the test, then almost give you herpes?

They didn't have herpes, but, you know, I got injured, I got a bump in my dick, thought it was HSV-2. I've talked about this for months. But I will say this, you can have a test that's negative, and it takes like a month for the test to, like, be, like, accurate. So somebody could just test, be like, yeah, I'm negative, but they just raw-dog the guy after the test. A day after, yeah. Yeah. And that's when you're more likely to be herping up, so. Of course.

Is that the name of the podcast now, by the way? Herping up with Michael Goet. Welcome, back. everybody. Well, the worst is like... This show is brought to by some bitch. I won't even say her name.

She owes me money. She gets me the money, then I'll say her name. That was the thing, too. It's like, so for like a week, I took Valtrax, and the website was called,

it was like a, like the blue chew of herpes medication. It's called Herp Alert. Yeah, and I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, walking into the store. Can I get the,

Herp Alert? What is that? Herp alert. This guy's got herpes. Yeah. That's the sound. I was just wondering why they called the blue chew of herpes medication. Oh, what do you mean?

You just said that it's the blue chew of herpes medication? Yeah, because you just kind of text them and you're like, I think I sent a picture of my dick. And then they're like, which I just have saved on my laptop. I'm like, let me not send this in emails. Yeah. Sir, next time, just call us. But I got the one, but everybody's got the fucking one.

Really? Yeah, that's the-percent of people have the one. Yeah, if you've ever asked for a vape, you probably got the one, yeah. Yeah, everybody's got the one. Oh. So you're saying that my last girlfriend overreacted. Yes, yes. Everybody's got the one, dude.

Yeah. Now I don't feel bad about hitting her. Well, I don't even tell me about one because if 70% people have it and then you could just guess I have one. Yeah. So what's the point? Did they really want to play this game? Yeah. Oh, you're afraid I might have herpes, huh?

Well, well. I think like 16% people up, too. So you got to tell you got two. But one, everybody's already got it. 16% is two? Yeah. Damn, that's pretty big too, man. That's a big drop off, yeah.

That's a big drop off, but 16% of people having herpes? Yeah, I for sure, that's one and a half people per 10, plus something else. Well, it's a fucking, what do you call it? Like, it's like,

if you wear a condoms and take the medication, you're like, not going to get it. So, yeah. Unless you have, like, unless you cut the area around your penis. For fun.

For fun. If you're bored one day and you're doing that. To be honest, this is the only spot that comes. The big circle. You have to actually touch this part. Everything else is fine.

But we got to wrap up, dude. Dave, we're coming on. Thank fucking Christ. I was here looking at my phone the whole time. I'm like, what is this dickhead doing? Three, six hours or something? Jesus, fucking cry. Like, I got nothing better to do.

Tony kill him. Kill him. Off with his head. Off with his head. Damn. You didn't got killed by a gay, motherfucker. This is his friend. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, what do you want to promote? Promote. I'm just here to say hi to you. Oh, thank you, Mike. All right. Well, Alan Fitzgerald comes to say hi for me. Fuxity USA on everything. Yeah.

He's like embarrassed. He's like, don't have your people come to mind. Don't worry about it. I just want to come hang out. All right. Jake Stram, L.O.L. Follow me. All right.

Thank you. Woo.