Morning Good - Boys By The Tracks - Episode 210

Episode Date: February 25, 2024

James Donlon joins the show for today's episode. He and Michael talk about drunk movie ideas, Bill Clinton's Arkansas days, and how to slide into a comic's DMs. Big thanks to James for coming back on the show. You can find him on previous episodes and check out some of his links for more info. James is on Instagram @jamesdonlon_ and YouTube @jamesdonlon_.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. All right, we're here with Malia Simon. Hey. Hey, you're going to be Malia Simon. James Donnell. I wish I just couldn't introduce people because now we just, we were just having great conversation.

No, it stops the flow of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't care who we are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were just talking about Voltures Kanye's new album. Yeah. I like the mask he has with the, not the Klan one, but the one, the one with the, what's it called, like the Jesus on it? You know what I'm talking about?

No, I don't know what I'm. He's like a full black face mask and then just Jesus on the cross glued to the forehead. It's so fucking sick. He's just sitting there sewing. They're going to love this one. Oh, it's fucking awesome, dude. It's like, that is like, I'm not the first one says, like black guys can make anything look so fucking cool. Yeah, they can.

Yeah. Everybody's time he's video is like a cringe video of like a black guy wearing like a pink Hello Kitty backpack being like ooh. And I was like still looks fucking raw. It's still the coolest shit I've ever seen in my life. He's also manic. So yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're manic, you start wearing like Jesus on your. Oh, for sure.

Yeah. And it's hard too because like you hit like, I think when you're manic you hit good ideas too. Because like I don't have bipolar but I will have like kind of episodes where you're really excited about something. It's fun to be manic. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You think like in my mind, I'm like, yeah, no, I'm going to be the greatest artist of all time. Yeah. Yeah. a little momentum to like sit down and like write a cool screenplay or something. It literally does.

Like all you need is like delusional confidence sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's great. Well, we were talking about how like people got like, they did like a research on how much alcohol people used to drink. And it was like insane. So like the founding father, all those people like they only created this country because they were like they had like drunk confidence to like do.

No. 100%. Yeah. They looked at like the receipts from like the condo in Congress. Oh my God. Which so much like fucked up like 28 year olds like, dude, they're not going to tell us what the fuck to do. Like, nobody's gonna fucking tell me.

I'll fucking fight him. Yeah. They're like, I'll fucking fight that guy. And then like, think about how, like, how fucked up you have to be like, yeah,

we're gonna get in a boat and like go. I feel like, people are kind of just fucking pussy. Like, I'm not, I'm not when he's like, we need to return to being

alpha males and like slaughter Native Americans. Like, I don't think that's a good idea. Yeah. But there is this sort of thing where I feel like, people just don't like,

people like, I don't know. Yeah. What if I get made fun of on Facebook group chats. Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah. Like, I want to go to the wax museum recently, but he's like, I don't know, that sounds like a whole thing. I'm like, dude, let's take edibles and go to the wax.

It is a whole thing. You want to do a whole thing? Yeah, a whole thing is fun. There's a wax museum here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go to the wax museum. Can we take edibles and get, you show the edibles? Yeah.

I don't do it. Mushrooms? Like, whoa, Jim Brown's really here. That's funny about the alcohol thing. I heard that there was a guy who was like, we should be more sympathetic to historical figures that did mass tragedies because it's, it's, it's, it's. statistically proven that like women who drink give birth to less empathizing babies, like their babies have like lower empathy.

And because there was no clean water, every pregnant mother was just on wine and beer. Of course, he's fucking put on the woman. That bitch stayed off the bottle. You're right. I heard the similar thing. Alcohol is influenced so much and it's hurt women. But it does like, like it does create like this level of like courage that like is beneficial in some ways. It's like.

Yeah, I'm going to have this baby. I don't even care. I have a baby. He's going to murder a name of American. I can feel a little Hitler forming in there. Do you think his mom had one of those like a little pub, like a mustache pub, one of the little... She had like a landing strip?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He came out and he's like, I want that on my face again. Yeah, that's like, I don't know, it's why... I don't know, it is because, like, there is... I'll lie to myself about how much I'm drinking. He'd be like, this is far to the fucking writing process. But it is, it is weird, because I do come up with, a lot of great ideas drunk. Not this one. This is

a movie idea I came up with drunk the other night. And I don't think this is a good idea. This is in my notes. You come up with ideas. I don't really know anyone who comes up with ideas drunk. Black guy and George Washington time travel movie. So it's like Bill and Ted. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a satire?

February 17th, 333 a.m. This is like me getting back. I don't know. I don't think it's that good about it. Is it a satire? Well, it was like if George Washington like a black guy created a tie, like a time machine. And so he has to show George, and the only guy,

for some reason, I guess he brings back George Washington. So it's not a great idea. So wait, so what's the thing? So he's to show him what? Well, it's just George Washington just like,

heavens, this is the guy that's going to throw me around? Like, he's like very condescending, but this is also like the guy who brought him back at time. So it's like... So it's like Green Book, but like... Yes, yes.

It's like a race buddy movie, but George Washington and who's the black guy? Let's pick a comic. Craig Robinson could be good. I don't know. Let's pick a comic. Wouldn't it be funny if it's just like...

Wouldn't it be funny if it's just like the most half black guy? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Trevor Noah. Yeah, not even Trevor Noah. Like, who's the most? Well, you know the arc of the movie would be finding out that George Washington owned hit this guy's grandparents

and it's like full circle. And they're crying. And then he shoots Washington in the face. Yeah. But it goes into his teeth and it doesn't kill him so he gets a second chance. Oh, because he's, his wooden teeth.

Oh, that's great. No, I think he just makes him his bitch for the second half of the movie. Yeah, yeah. It's just him pegging Washington with a strap on. I like the idea that he wouldn't fuck up his own teeth. No, that's gay.

It's a wooden thing. Is it straight to, like, rape a guy with a strap on if it's not your penis? No. If it's for power, it's straight. Right? It's for pleasure. It's like, I'm not even going to come.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you couldn't even, it's a smaller penis than yours just to show it. You're like, you couldn't even handle my penis. My straight penis. I'm gonna fuck you with my smaller gay, Peter. I keep it in the closet. It just says gay on the side of it.

Or gay things. Yeah, it's my dildo for what I want to do gay stuff, but don't want to actually be gay. Just kind of between. Oh, okay. In the bathroom? Do you think that more guys want to be pegged than we'll say it? Oh, for sure.

Yeah, for sure. I'm just kidding. I would think so. For sure. Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yep. Pointing directly myself. Yeah.

No, I'm like, because I like women being dominant like that's hot. I mean, I'm like, I like both. Like, if woman likes me, I can see that about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just call me a fucking bitch on my own pocket. No, no, it's like the other way around.

Like, yeah, men that, no, that is a thing. It's like, men that, like, normally are dominant in person like being,

because my, my, the thing I hate the fucking most is when somebody tries to tell me what the fuck to do. But then sexually, it's the hottest. It's like reverse of normally what you like.

Makes so much sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always like the meekest, like, shy guys who are like, I literally want to like chain you to the bed frame. Like because it's such a fantasy to them. It's because they don't, they have no other outlet for it in life. Oh, totally.

So that's the only way. And then you're like, yeah, sure, you can do that. I don't respect you though. That's great. That's right. Yeah, it is very funny. One time I like chatted with it. Yeah, chain me to the bed, pussy.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're in charge. Yeah. but yeah it is funny too because there was like a woman I was like talking to online and she had the funniest thing where she's like she's being like really mean to me sexually because I was like into it and then she like wouldn't drop the roleplay though she's like this isn't a role play it's a dynamic now and I'm like well now there's just a lady being mean to me which is not I don't want just a lady to be mean to yeah that's always dangerous

territories like when it bleeds over into the relationship and then it's yeah no and I do think that is a problem with people it's like because like I like weird sex stuff but like people that, like, can't, they want to make that, like, their life. And they're like, yeah, no, we built a dungeon. It's like, you're not to build a dungeon in your fucking house. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, no, it's just who I am. It's like, no, don't, they'll call it a life. Oh my God. Yeah. Have you ever

seen, like, a couple who totally is into that kind of stuff? And they're just like, they're like, the way they talk to each. They're like, thanks, daddy. Thanks, baby. Like, it literally is so disgusting. Like, why are we part of it? Yeah. I don't want to be part of it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You could be like, hey, my wife sticks a banana in my ass if it comes up over a couple

beers, but don't just like, like, I don't judge you for that. But if now you're like, no, we're a banana ass couple. It's like a new thing in Brooklyn. You're like, shut the fuck up. Like, Patty was saying he's trying to sign up for like a pottery class or something fun. And everything is like in Brooklyn. It's like how to peg your boyfriend

workshop. It's like, why do you need a workshop for that? You just fuck him in the fucking ass. Right. There doesn't have to be a whole thing where you go for that. Like, don't make it your life. You're like, yeah, actually, we're like a polypola blah blah. Yeah, they want to tell people. That's the thing. That's part of it. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's like social capital there. Like they're not gay. So they have to, like, do something that makes them feel like, ooh.

We're really cute, actually. Yeah, yeah. It's like, there's no. And to be fair, I do talk about, like, this in the podcast, but I'm also not, like, going up to, like, stranger. It's like, I'm only doing it because I'm, like, trying to be funny. Yeah. And honest about who I am.

But, um. There was a couple that was in a poly relationship at my job and I was serving them and they were in an argument that she had slept with someone and he didn't know who the person was. Oh, my God. And I was like, that this is the most uncomfortable argument you could be having in public right now. It's also like, yeah, that's always the fight they get into. Yeah.

It was crazy. Like, we opened the relationship and then, like, somebody got hurt because, like, somebody fuck somebody else. Yeah, and they never tell you who. They never tell you which one did what. Really? No, I don't know. Oh, okay.

No, but yeah, these things never work out. I used to know a girl who would, like, date, like, a bunch. She was a woman with, like, five boyfriends. And she was like, well, this one I don't fuck. I only go on dates with this one I don't. I was like, Jesus, you have like. Wait, that's a Steve Harvey bit. Is it?

Yeah, he's like, ladies. You got to get yourself three men. It's like you need a man for fucking. I'm totally nurturing, but it's like, and you need a sissy. That's not what they called homosexuals in the 90s. But he's like, yeah, you get yourself a sissy that you could just like talk to you all the time about all your problems. And they get yourself like something else. Yeah.

But I'm also like not one of those people. It's like, no, I think marriage also fails a lot too. It's like I have no idea. I have nothing against people like trying something new. But like don't bring me in. Like conversation wise, don't be like, like if I ever was going to be a swinger, I'd fucking tell nobody. I'd be like, nah, this is like. Really?

I would tell a lot. I would tell people you want to swing with. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I would tell all my friends. You wouldn't tell your friends? Yeah, your boyfriend's like, I think I would have like, I wouldn't want my kids finding out that I was a switch.

You know, that's like where it gets weird. It's like. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. How are we? They see an upside-down pineapple on your car. Yeah, how was I made? Yeah, we don't fucking know. In this orgy? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, you're not black, so it wasn't Gary. It's 10 person orgy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember like it was yesterday, sweetie. I was crying. Imagine. There's come flowing inside you like a goddamn lava lamp. We didn't know who was what.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a terrifying thing. Yeah. But it's crazy. Would you guys have an orgy? For sure. Yeah, 100%.

Yeah, I'm very much like, anything I bring up, he's like, yeah, fuck me in the ass. In my mind, I don't know why. I picture me just getting hit by a car,

and then I'm like, and then you get to heaven. He's like, well, actually, we don't do orgies here. So you never, you never got to live that opportunity. Yeah.

You would go, though? Like, if you got an invite? Yeah. Yeah, totally. Yeah. But it's like, I would have to like, I think how a lot of them go

is like you got to go with like either single women can go or men with women can go. So the ratio doesn't get all weird. That's fair. That makes sense. Yeah, yeah. Because a lot of it's just dudes like trying to go. You bring five girls in the bouncer doesn't let you in. You're like, I brought all the girls! There's enough holes for everybody.

Yeah, yeah. God! I just got out of that pussy. You got to wait out here with these guys. It would be really funny. It's two straight guys going to an orgy, but one dresses as a woman. Just like you both get in and then he takes. He's like, time to get some pussy. They're like three guys stacked on top

Continental. They would never let us in here. Because we're under 5'2. My fear would be getting to the orgy and the annoying people there. Like I'm like, I'm all in like, yeah, let's have fun, the fucking and sucking. But I keeps trying to hold your hand.

Yeah, or just like somebody just like, dude, somebody trying to talk about. Orgy cuddle. Yeah. You know Brooklyn too? Like you'd be like double teaming some chick and some guy be trying to talk to you about Marxism. You're like, shut the fuck up.

You gay pussy. This is so annoying. Yeah. Don't be gay. Just like put your dick in the same hole as me. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You see the most stupid tattoos at a Brooklyn Orgy, I think.

Oh, for sure. That's why, like, I would go to Manhattan Orgy where it's like, like rich. Oh, that's like an actual dirty orgy. Yeah. Eyes White Shut, basically. Huh? It's like Eyes Wide Shut, the movie. Oh, oh, you mean like a rich Manhattan Orgy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, yeah. It's a bunch of people with masks watching people get naked and fuck. That'd be cool. I would do that. I would do like a really weird, like, fringe cult of society thing. Yeah. If I feel like I'm getting like, like, they'll give me like a three movie deal if I fuck in front of a bunch of guys.

Like, I'll probably do that. Or you can also be like that would be like artsy and like an artsy thing to do. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was actually just going to play. It was called I dress up like a pig and get fucked by Bill Clinton. Yeah. It was actually an island. I think it was a performance art.

Do you think he ever gets like tired? Like imagine being that old and just like having to like go to like some gross child sex party. Like Bill Clinton's just like, ugh. Enough. I'm going to fucking. Uh. Like you. You're tired.

I'm thinking nap. God, the kids are so annoying. After you come. I'm kids after you come. Dude, somebody doing some crazy thing about Bill Clinton.

Top ten wildest things. Imagine the kid after you. Not even close. Yeah, I'm sure. There's a shelf of the episode right now with James. Yeah,

that one's pretty weird. James wasn't worried about it at all, too, put it out. Patty never cares. Yeah, but the James was like, I didn't say anything wrong. I was just, I'm just innocent bystander. Yeah, and I left it up to my producer. He's like, it's a rate.

We'll leave it as a rainy day episode. Like, if one doesn't come out, we'll release that. Oh my God, you really didn't put it out? So is that bad? Yeah. I mean, it's like a mix of things. It's like, what is it? I'll talk about it at some other point. It's just like, it came off very, like, I'm very much like, I was obsessing OCD-wise, so I ran it by my producer. And I asked him all these questions and he's like, dude, if you're asking this much, we'll just talk about it. We'll release it to some other point. Like, it's going to come out.

Yeah, that's how I felt. If you have to think about it, it's probably like, like, if you're like, this is great, I'll just put it out. That's fine. But if you're thinking about it, like, that's, I think we joked about it was like, this is going to come and bite us in the ass one day if you put it out according to plan. Oh yeah, but I'm going to, it's 100% coming out. Yeah.

Yeah. But I also, I like building the momentum behind it because like, it's the third week I've talked about. I'm like, no, the episode is, and I was correcting things from the other week, which is so funny. I'm like, literally, I went on this correction where I go, I actually said I got my dick sucked in Pirates Gaming 3. It was actually kind of Pirates Gaming 4. I just want to get that out there. And now everybody's like, what is he even talking about?

Because I don't know the episode I was talking about. Secrets. Yeah. Patreon exclusive. Yes, but the Bill Clinton thing, I want to get behind not to shut off this conversation. But I apparently, there's some crazy thing when he was like governor. Have you heard about this? Like, he did something when he was governor that apparently like, the bunch of people were, like, found dead by, like, like,

some train tracks and they think it was related. Boys by the tracks. I know a lot about that. Is this? It's real. So his like, there was like, you know the Tom Cruise movie? Stop right there. That was the coolest thing I've ever seen you do. You with the Beanie, look at me very calmly and say, boys by the tracks. Boy, by the track. I know about that. Because I thought you were kidding, just riffing along.

No, that's the book. The book is called Boys by the Tracks. Okay. Yeah. And basically like, you remember the Tom Cruise movie where he was in the plane dropping drugs and going back in between? It was a movie of Tom Cruise that came out like 10 years ago where he'd go to South America, buy a bunch of guns. and then take the drugs back to the FBI and it was like an FBI like drug thing and then I guess like

to protect whatever this real thing was like Bill Clinton had to like let someone off. The guy who did the autopsy used to, Bill Clinton's mom used to work for and the autopsy was butchered and the only way that it would have been like done like that. They butchered the body? Like they just didn't do it right like these kids were not hit by a train. They were

killed and then laid in front of a train track. They were stabbed to death and like suffocated. They had like bags on their heads. And it was like, no, they were hit by a train. They were playing an old game of wear bags and you had to go walk around by a train. It's an old game, yeah. Yeah. But like, Bill Clinton, all the Arkansas shit with him when he was there, it was all like,

he fucked the lady. And then there was like a guy who died. Like all this stuff. I guess where it all started was Arkansas. Yeah. Because that's when he first got caught cheating on his wife. That was the first scandal. Oh, so he's been cheating on Hillary for a while.

Yeah. The first scandal was in Arkansas. I followed him to when he was really funny. My mom was always like, I think Hillary is a strong woman. And I'm like, I don't think she is. Like the amount of times her husband's. just like blatantly, but unless she's also like banging Obama. She's probably

in on it in some way. Yeah, yeah. At this point I mean, what are you going to do? Yeah, yeah. What are you going to do? She was a senator. She was like Secretary of State. Like, I'm not going to divorce my ex-president husband at this point. Yeah, that's got to be hard. Like, I could do better than the president of the United States. You know what? I think it's all business. Yeah. They don't talk.

Were you guys, were you watching the Super Bowl? Did you see how they pushed? Yeah, thank you you guys for showing up to our Super Bowl party, by the way. You know what? I wanted... I'm just kidding. I wanted I wanted to go. Let me tell you. I want to wanted to go, I was not a place I wanted to be. Yeah, I'm totally fucking. So I have one was like, Patty was like, we're going to throw a Super Party, sweet. And then he thought I was going to invite people and I thought he was going

invite people. And then we just realized neither of us really invited people to invite you guys. So we're just like, it's just me, Patty. I know I heard. And Dan watching Super Bowl. Yeah, I heard. We were hoping for the Shane Gillis Budweiser. Did you see, though? They, the camera flashed him for a second. Oh, really? Yeah. That's cool. I do think it is very funny about how apologetic they are. They're like, we stand by transom. I'm so sorry, you guys, that wasn't cool. You guys didn't like this?

What do you guys want us to do? We hate Asian people too. Yeah, we'll do fucking, whatever. They have no backbone. Yeah, and I'm like, I fucking like, I love Shay Gillis. And I support him being the spokesman. But I also support that not hot trans lady being the, uh, the spokesperson person. It's like, it's just so funny to be.

That's not hot trans. She's not. She's not. She looks like Ben Shapiro. Yeah, I've said a million times. But that implies the existence of a hot translator. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, I've had sex with one by accident.

I know. But I'm saying, like, there are also ones that you're like, oh, like, like, especially on the fucking dating apps, like, I'll bet. If I should be smoking hot, you go, let me look in the bio. You're like, oh, here we go. There's a little, like, flag. Yeah, you're like, damn it. If they're too hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.

Yeah. It's either a robot or a cyborg. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, we were going to say, Emily. Oh, no, I was just going to say earlier, like, it's so. it's so interesting and amusing to me like how sexually liberated you are yeah because you're so

because you're like so controlled in a lot of ways like oh yeah I'm like spazzing out about text message I'm like do you think this looks rude about Texas person who's and then I'm like yeah I've been peed on exactly yeah you don't care right you're just like whatever I'll do whatever

basically like well no no I'm straight like I wouldn't have sex if somebody has a penis yeah no I know that yeah I'm fucking straight but you'll do like pretty much you'll do like a lot of shit right like yeah yeah I don't think I because like in my mind I'm like it's a nice thing to do for somebody.

So some of it's how to just the goodness of my heart. Like I'm like... What, to have sex with somebody? Not that, but like... You're like a good guy. Like, literally if a woman's like, I want you to wear a dress while fucking me, I'd be like, it doesn't hurt me. Like, yeah, but yeah, I'll do it.

You're just nice. But aren't you like, wouldn't you like... Yes, there aren't you like not into it, but I would do it. But it's like, at the end of the day, I'm like, yeah, if I could be like, yeah, it doesn't like bother me. Yeah, yeah. Women do that all the time. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. sex in ways they're not into. That's actually true. I was going to say that, yeah. You're just behaving I was a woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

I guess I'll be nice. Yeah, like, I wouldn't do it. Yeah, you can do that, I guess. It doesn't hurt me. I guess I'll wear a mask. I wouldn't do a strap on because I'm like, it's not because the gay aspects of it. It's like genuinely like.

The dominant stuff? No, no, it's like I don't like, like something in my, I've had like a finger in my ass and I'm like that, I don't like a finger, I like a finger playing with my ass, but in my ass hurts. Yeah, I didn't like the finger in my ass. I had that.

It wasn't something I was interested in. Oh, really? Are you sure your uncle just doesn't have big fingers? What? Nothing. Huh? I said, are you sure uncle just doesn't have too big a finger?

Yeah, he only could get it. They just stopped momentum. It's like, what? Nobody heard you. So it looked like we just got really offended, but nobody heard you.

You said guys do or don't like that? I've just heard that they do. I've never done it. I, because I don't want to, but I don't want to smell like shit. Like, I don't, For sure, yeah, dude's asses. I know guys' asses are not clean.

Yeah, and if he is, then you're like, oh, you're now a homosexual. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People have been in here then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm amazed by how not, like, shit, women's asshole sound and smell like, and they're like, if you ever put a finger in a woman's asshole, there's never been poop on it. Never. When we put a finger on my asshole, there's a little bit of poop on it.

Because we stay prepared. Yeah, you deuce your butt hole? Are you about to reveal deep state secret? Are women doing things we don't know about? What, do they're assholes? Yes. Uh, yeah. I mean

shaving it People bleach Wax Speaking of Kanya What else? Wax? If I get bleach On my t-shirt

Oh yeah Yeah I'm gonna feel like an asshole Yeah Yeah He knows I thought about I didn't know

That women have Facebook pages Where they post pictures of guys They're like Who else is fucking this guy Oh I heard about that I heard about that Because Sean

You know Sean Malay Yeah He has a really funny joke About that Where he's like He says like How he like

pretended to be a woman and posted about himself. This guy's so cool or respectful. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I haven't, I'm not in any of that. Maybe I should join those and see. Well, let me know if my face gets put in there. I'm curious. Yeah. Let you know. What does it call? Like I just wouldn't let you know.

Whoa, that's Michael. That's weird. Well, because it's like in my mind, in my, in my mind. In my mind. I wouldn't care. Yeah. Knowing you're like the mozos. It's exposure.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. neurotic. And he's performing at the grisly pair every Wednesday. I, like, worried about that. I didn't get spots for a month. And I was like, did some crazy, like, person, like, put my fucking face? I was like, I love my ex-girlfriend.

I don't think she would do that. I'm like, what if my ex-girlfriend? Just, like, put my face in, like, a Facebook group. It's like, this guy's a piece of shit. No, I wouldn't do that somebody. No, no. Well, it's, like, one of those things where it's, like, I think that, like, there is a good point of that group where you're like, okay, this guy's like a rapist. Here's his face.

Like, you know that. But if there's thousands of people, there's got to be some people that are like, this guy didn't call me back. I think there's that, but I think they started for like, are we dating the same guy? Like,

they started for guys who are like, too handsome. Two teaming, like people. Yeah, yeah. So double teaming. Double timing. Double timing. These guys are double teaming.

Are we fucking the same girl? Are we fucking the same girl? Wait, let me go on the Facebook. Yeah. Yeah, I think it started because there'll be those guys. Great pullouts. I'm sorry.

That's the other fact. Like, but you know how like, yeah, you know how like with Matt Rife it came out that he was like saying he was dating all these girls like, and it was like five, like 15 girls at the same time.

Oh, it's funny. And I think they found it out through the Facebook group. Um, because it's like there's nothing wrong with having a roster, but like you can't be telling people that you're dating them. Oh no, it's fucked up.

And then be dating 15 other girls, like, babe, I never felt this way about any world. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's great. Wait, so one thing also about him, I didn't realize until recently that, like, the fake jaw line is a thing.

Yeah. And I'm noticing it in other people. People have fake jaw lines now. Plastic surgery? Yeah. Wait, let me pull the shit up. His teeth are different, too. What, fillers or like?

Yeah, they look fucking nuts. Whose quote was that? It's... Mine. Okay. Are they cheek fillers or, like, jaw fillers? I think they suck the buckle fat. Yeah, they get liposuction here.

And it makes you look like the... It's a handsome Squidward look. Yeah. Everyone wants to be handsome Squidward. And, you know, all the square had to do with the hip-by-door. Like, I genuinely do not think he has... Oh, sorry. Sorry.

The guy in Saltburn, not the Tandu. Oh, oh. The Tandy looks like he has it. Oh, the guy from you for a go. A lot of... I think... Well... Wait, what's that guy's name?

You know what's sad? It's like Megan Fox got so much work done and she was obviously so beautiful. But now she looks like kind of like a blow-up doll, I think. You see that podcast lady? like Altoff. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that's just what his chin looks like. I don't know.

Some people really have a... I think he might just be handsome. Yeah. You're just like, no one looks like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anybody guys have been... No man could naturally

make me feel this way. He must be trans to make me feel this way. It's just like your roommate. You're like, yeah, I think he got work done. Anybody that's taller than me? Yeah, they got shin extensions. That sounds crazy. I mean, I think like,

there's like certain amounts of plasticity that makes sense. Like, do you know that when people get like old like their eyelids start to like yeah you can get an eyelid that you can literally get anything done you can get oh the the thing that all the women get done is they get a brow lift like you know all the like instagram the instagram face where it's all like it looks like you're like smizing it every second yeah because they get the brow lift so it makes their brows like dude you know who's had a lot of face work done joe biden that guy has had a lot of face

why isn't he hotter he's he's trying to be sexy for the younger generation no dude i mean like a tan ass joe bide with like a macklemore haircut that'd be so sick I'd be sick, dude. Just like, shaved on the side's a little white tuft up here. Fade. A fade. Oh, my God, dude. That's just a good.

It's basically in black face. If you ain't voting for me, you ain't black. Okay, I got the fade and everything, y'all. L-O-L. He's like 25 years. I texted my grandson. I said, L-O-L. What's up, play, boy?

How we living? How we live? Stacking bread. Stacking bread. Y'all, are you keeping your life right? That's all right, son. When he's being all the NFL players. He said, I got a fade too.

He only sniffs black girl's hair now. It smells delicious. Just putting on fucking, what is it? What's the stuff of her ashyness? Coco butter? Yeah. Just like in meetings. I'm a little ashy today.

Sorry, y'all. I've been ashy my whole life. He makes jokes about it. Dude. You know, he has a lot of work done. Like, he looks like a monster right now. Going into his recent election, he looks like, he's so fucking old.

Trump is also so fucking old. Trump is sneaky old. Yeah, because he's old than Biden, right? No, I think so. I think he's a little younger. Let me see. I think two years younger than him. They're both now breaking the record

for being the old. Trump age is 77. Biden age is 81. I never mind. Oh, so I was off. But Baron Trump is, Barron Trump rules. Baron Trump looks like a fucking sociopath.

I know. I love this old dude. Look how evil he looks. Oh, it's fucking awesome. He's going to rape somebody. He's going to? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How old is he?

17. Dude, like, there's a spectrum of Aaron Trump to Kyle Rittenhouse and Patty is right in the middle. Yeah, Paddy goes. Dude, what's Rittenhouse up to? Let me check the gram. Dude, he's probably streaming. He's probably like playing Call of Duty and getting like kill shots and being like, Hey, remember when I did that IRL?

Dude, that's, wait, wait. He had a hot girlfriend for a little bit. If she's 18. If not, I think she's disgusting. I think Kyle Rittenhouse had a very strange. He had like an OJ experience. Like he got out of jail. They gave him like a prank show.

like, not really, but like, OJ had a prank show and he got out of jail. He's just such a little fucking gay bitch. He looks like such a pussy.

Wait. Fucking gross face. I'm just gonna look up his girlfriend real quick just so I don't look like a pet... And they're like, he shot a pedophile so he actually did something good.

Yeah, just shooting a random person be like, turns out he fucked kids. Like, if that is the excusable behavior. Like, you should have been there

with a gun, brother. Oh, who is Skyler? What's her name? Skyler. Bergenson? Skyler Berginson. Let's figure out if I have to cut this

episode once we look up her age. No, you can accidentally, one second, Skyler Bergoon, she's gooning. You know what that is? No, I don't. What's going in again? It's jerking off or something? I don't know. I thought Gooning was like when you get with your boys and you hang on, you're getting real gooning with them.

Oh, this was gooning technically. All right, happy birthday to Skyler. Let's see if there's an age associated with this. Oh, my God. You're freaking out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine. We're not.

We're not worth it. This is my OCD. 97, maybe. Make it up an age. Yeah. Yeah, there is, I don't know, that is the thing, too, with, like, yeah, I think, like, everybody likes to say, like, are conservative women hot or a liberal one hot? There's not, there's hot people everywhere.

Yeah. Probably some hot Tea Party women, some hot Green Party women. Yeah, Sarah Palin. What about you with guys? Do you think you could, like, first of all, have sex with a conservative guy? Does that bother you? No, no. Well, it's more like, just their personality in general.

Yeah, if he's like, I just kind of vote this way, but who cares? versus somebody who's like, today we got to talk about the Constitution. Yeah, like those people, maybe not. But also, those people can be a little scary. But yeah. But if they're like, whatever. Yeah, it's definitely more of a personality than actually who they vote for. Yeah.

Very good. That makes sense. Do you think you could have sex with a neo-Nazi? Yeah, but if she's hot. You think so? Like, do I find out before or after? You find out, okay, so you're on a date with a girl. She's smoking hot.

And you're... Blonde hair, blue eyes. You guys are making out. You know the girls get that hot tattoo like here? They'll say like slut. You know what you know? Oh yeah, yeah. It just is a swastika.

Oh, and she's like, hey, check this up. Well, I'll say, what happens? Crazy girls' trip. To Auschwitz. She fucking got fucked up. Long-lived spring break. Yeah. You don't call her daddy?

She wants to call you furor. Fear, yeah. Well, I say this would be the scenario. So there's two scenarios. So first off. what would be the morally wrong part with fucking a Nazi? I'm curious about this. Giving her pleasure.

Oh, okay. But that's pretty confident myself to assume that I'm gonna... If I fuck a Nazi wrong, that's like what if I fuck her poorly? Oh, don't make her come. Don't make her almost come. Yeah, get coming her hair or something.

Edge a Nazi? Can you edge a Nazi? And are you still complicit with their beliefs if you're edging them? Yeah. Because you're denying them joy. Yeah. But what if they like it? Ugh.

I'm getting horny just thinking. Here's the tough scenario. Let's find something. I generally don't know where I stand on this idea because I'm like maybe I could have sex there and then afterwards be like I don't know. I don't know. I actually learned some of those sex moves from a Jewish man.

You had changed your mind. You would like try to like find the moral way around it. I think most people just do it. Oh yeah. Yeah. No, in my mind I would totally try to like well here's a really fun one. She's like that's fine. I made you use a condom. Yeah. Why should we get sound hot? She's hot.

Yeah. Well then there's also this scenario that like you're doing it missionary and then she flips over and the swastika is a tramp stamp and then you're like I'm already in it. Yeah. Because coming on a swastika is disrespectful towards I'm so trying to justify this hypothetical. It's like a double negative though.

You're like fuck you swastika. Yeah, yeah. What if I draw a cum star of David on the swastika? Right. But then the star of David's been out of come which is disrespectful for the truth. Yeah. You can't win these days. Can't win these days. Everybody's so politically divided. 20 years ago you could fuck a neonatian barrier.

Nobody would. He's got to worry about Twitter. Tucker Carlson coming to your house. Asking questions. Now, it was brave of you to have sex with that, Neo-Nazi, in my opinion. Thank you, Tucker. Yeah.

He is, I mean, I do love how he has the most interesting people on. I mean, having Putin on is fucking pretty cool. Oh, that's insane, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's an interesting choice. I like it, though. I can never sit through a whole thing of his, though, because he had Alex Jones on.

I did, like, 20 minutes, and I'm like, yeah, I don't know. It's like, I think it's cool that he has interesting people on, but I'm like, I just can't listen to it in an interview for that long. Yeah. It's like, you ever listen to, like, try to listen, like, Lex Friedman? Yeah. I'm like, dude, I can't do this. I weekly talk about that nerd.

I fucking hate that guy. I'm like, dude, I don't know. Like, that's why, like, I'll get bored of, like, a Joe Rogan thing. Because even if it's just five guys sitting around, I'm done with this. But, like, if you're really trying to be intellectual, it's like, I can't be stimulated that long. No, yeah. You're edging me intellectually. Where's the laugh?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Also, a lot of things they say are just kind of obvious, you know? Yeah. They love to say something everyone knows. They love to say something obvious. Like, especially those psychologists. Good for us to get out of bed every day.

Yeah, Jordan Peterson just saying like the most basic thing, I think you should brush your teeth every morning. Clean your room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make your bed. My favorite one is with, what's his name had Tucker,

or Tucker had Alex Jones on, and he's like, it's like, a lot of people would say Alex Jones is crazy. Is that as crazy as cutting off a child's penis and calling them a woman?

It's like, it's the funniest sentence. It's like, it's so, fucking funny. What a take. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, dude, the one thing I saw was really funny. I was trying to watch Blazing Saddles the other day. And a lot of things are like, we're going to have like a warning before the

video, just like, we don't support this movie or whatever. But that was the funniest one, because I get them being like, look, this is HBO, you know, this movie might be a little racist, just made a different time period, whatever. But they ended up being like, and the racists are the bad guys in this movie, and the non-racists

are the good guy. And I'm like, who is watching this? Just like, yeah, that guy who just called black guy the inward and whipped him. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, like, not a single person

watching it's like, oh, wow, I never, like, thought of that, 12 years of sleep, not long enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And anybody that thinks

that way, he's not gonna, yeah, they're not enjoying cinema. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, drinking butt light. Yeah, sitting there chilling. It's honestly ruining TV.

It's ruining comedy. Not that I think that comedy should just be like saying the N-word, but like, well, we can stand on different sides of that aisle. It's just like, it's annoying how anxious

everybody, is about, I wish. Yeah, but I, it's for sure going in a different direction. Like, with the whole Shane Gil's hosting it now, I think everybody kind of doesn't care as much. That's so awesome that he's hosting. I can't wait to see that. Oh, yeah, yeah. I hope he shits on it.

That'd be awesome. Oh, there's no way he's not going to. Yeah. I mean, I have no idea what's going to. I always thought it'd be funny if he started like, if he flipped, like, if he flipped, like, if he flipped, it would be the funniest thing. If he, like, randomly just, like, got, like, his ears pierced and, like, and, like, just randomly, like, as a joke, as an ironic.

I think he should make the Asian joke in the long. said in on SNL. Yeah. I fucking, I'm praying for that. That's so hilarious. Yeah. There's a lot of pressure on that too.

Like, you know, like Louis and Chappelle, everyone. Oh, this will come out the day afterwards. This is interesting.

Yeah, we can live react. Yeah. Oh, let's do a reaction. Let's do an unboxing. An unboxing of Shane Gillis's S&L model.

I don't know. It's just compelling. It's just like there's so much pressure on him to do well and everyone's kind of going to be watching. Because this is the first SNL host anyone's really cared about. Oh,

no, take your call. No, I wasn't making fun. I answer every week. Hey, how you doing? Welcome to the show. Hello? Hello?

It's transferring you. I don't care. The government. I answer too, and they never say anything. The problem is now I'm on a list of people that answers the phone. And they're very excited about that. I'm like the slut of the town. Do you always answer?

No, I like never answer. But if it's on the podcast, I'm like, all right, maybe this would be something to do it. But it just interrupted completely. Oh, I kind of have a story. If you're looking for a story. Yes, pretty story. Okay.

I'll try to shorten this because it's not even that good of a story. But it's basically just I did mushrooms and I was in a comedy club. And I, it was like, I just had an insane experience because I was in, I'm not going to mention the comedy club by name. What part of town was it in? What does it rhyme with? But, but it's just like, I was like, imagine, you know, you're on mushrooms. You're like hyper aware of everything and. How many were you want?

You're just overwhelmed. Not even that much. It's funny. I was on seven mushrooms, but not like grams. You're just like no seven caps. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just whole mushrooms. Yeah. No, I was, I was like, I would say creative dosing, like in between a micro and a regular dose. But,

but I was just like in the green room. And this like older black lady comic walks in, who I didn't know. And it's just like me and this other younger black lady comic. And we're both just like on her phone. And the older black lady comic comes. And she's just like, it's my birthday.

And then we kind of, she was like with this guy. You're Martin Luther King? Yeah. She was like with this guy. So me and the other girl just didn't say anything. And then she's like, um, did anybody hear me? It's my birthday. And then we're like, oh, happy birthday.

And she just goes, mm-hmm. And she's like looking in the mirror and she's like, still got these tithes. Or like whatever she said. whatever she said. And I was just like not saying anything. And then she's like, do you know who I am? And then I was like, uh, no. And then she's like, turns to the guy and she's like,

these young comics, they don't even know who I am. Who do they think they are? They don't even know who I am. She's literally going on to this guy. She's like, um, she's like, how long you've been doing comedy? How long? Come on. How long?

And I'm like, I'm like a few years. She's like, you should know who I am. And I still don't know who she was. She was like, you should know other female comics. You should know who I am. That's so weird. I can't imagine. I can't imagine.

I can't imagine. I'm going to start guessing. I'm going to be like, okay. Wanda Sykes. Queen of the Deepone black. First rock. No, on mushrooms, I was like, because you know when like people being egocentric,

it's like unbearable to you? Oh, yeah. I was like, oh my God. Like, this is awful. Like she was also drunk and drunk people look insane Oh drunk people on Shrooms the worst Oh dude they look like they're out of their mind Yeah so I was like

And so I literally I was like really rude to her Kind of on purpose but it came out even ruder than I meant Because she was like She was like it's good to know other female comics Yeah yeah yeah And I was like okay I literally said to her like that And then she goes

Like no one had ever spoken to her like that before And she looks at the other guy And he like basically had to like pull her out of the green room Like I thought she was gonna fight me Oh, really? Yeah. She looked at me like she could have fought me. Yeah. It was terrifying.

It was pretty insane. Yeah. That's weird. Yeah. Sorry. Well, no, it's just that I was, then I had to go do a set on mushrooms after thinking about that. I know, but I totally brought the whole thing upon myself because I was like just, I don't know why I thought that would be a good idea. Do you ever like do mushrooms?

You're like, oh, I have like three hours till this thing. And then you're like totally peaking when you have to go to that thing. I did a micro dose and five hours. later went to a show. I was still weird as shit. Yeah. It doesn't always... It's always different. I took shrooms. I was like, oh, it's a night in. We'll hang out. And then I, like, it was ended up, like, in a cold shower just trying

to get myself out. Like, what the fuck's going on? I didn't think it was going to be like this. Yeah, yeah. You never... You could never plan on anything. No. No, that's the worst when it just tips slightly. And I don't do shrooms often. Even a micro does for me, it'll tip over that amount you meant to do. And you're just like, you just feel it.

You're like, that was too much fucking. Yeah. But do you feel like there's a, is there like a weird pressure where Like, do you ever get, like, other female comics being like, we're female comics, we're, like, stick together? Like, in a way, like, do you feel, like, unity with them? No, I hate that. Because it's, like, it shouldn't be the way it's done anyway. Like, we should be evaluating each other as people anyway.

Like, it feels like they're trying to, like, shortcut to, like, to friendship, but you don't know if you can trust them yet. Like, just like anybody. You know what I mean? Like, they try to do the thing of their, like, oh, we're female. comics, like, they try to, like, relate to you over girl stuff, and it feels like the kind of, like, low-hanging fruit and also, like, a way to make you more comfortable

with them when you don't actually know if you can trust them yet, like, just like anybody. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, I know you're not going to rape me, but you might, like, fucking tell some other girl, I'm fat. Like, I don't know, I don't know what you're going to do, you know? Like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Just blind trust random people. Yeah, but they try to do that. And that, I never trust girls. Actually, the other girl who was in the green room with me was doing that exact thing where she'd be like, oh, my God, I'm so excited to see your site, girly pop. Like, she literally called me, girly pop. And I'm like, you don't know that I say faggot. It makes me so uncomfortable because I want to, I don't want to betray that.

Like, I do kind of feel an obligation to, like, show that I'm on their side. Because I will back them up if, like, a male comics being. weird to them, but not necessarily be friends with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, no, I'm just here. I really don't like you. I just also don't want you to get raped. Yeah, I really don't. They're minimum. I don't want you to get raped. I like you this much. This is you getting raped. I want over right below that is. That's so funny. Oh my God. That's hilarious. That's exactly what it is. Well, I've had like, the only, the only thing I can't really relate to it. The only thing I could like sort of ever one time,

like, I have had those conversations like another white guy is like, man, you just can't fucking, it's, it's harder for white guys out here. I'm like, I'm not going to man. Yeah, because they're kind of profiling you. Like, they think you're going to be the guy who agrees with that. Yeah. Yeah. Right?

Am I right? Yeah. Yeah. I fucking hate. They'll be like, yeah. Oh, man. Uh, maleconics.

Like, yeah, sometimes. But other times they're just trying to find the low hanging through connection. Yeah. You know, like, I like generalizations in comedy because it is generalization.

Like, you are saying like, oh, okay, you know, like, European guys with Puma is doing this. Like,

that is a generalization. But I don't actually believe that every European guy or like Indian guys being horny. It's like, I'll make jokes about any guys being horny. I don't think every single Indian guy is horny. Yeah, a lot though. But it's like in comedy, who is it?

But I get really pissed about like general generalization in like real life conversation. Wait, weren't you at that show and that Indian guy in the crowd? Yes, wait, please tell this. I love this. This is so much fun. How did it go exactly? You're on stage and goes, you're beautiful.

It's just in the middle of your sand. There's no fucking like, you weren't even talking about, like, I forgot what you were talking about. about. Yeah. Yeah. And you made that point

to me out so you're like the one Indian guy in the grass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just like,

it's just like, like, it's so many, too, because you're just like, in the middle of talking. Yeah, and he's like,

you're beautiful. You didn't say that. But it's just somebody to be like, what do you think you're going to fuck her and for all these people? Yeah,

yeah, yeah. I think he asked about, like, wanted to drink. I'm on stage. I'm on stage. What are you? I'm not right now.

That's fucking hilarious. and it was like, I was insulting the woman and then she immediately like changed her mind about it. Like she like interrupted something I said and then I just insulted her and then she used to be like Oh wait, she interrupted you said to say you're hot? No, she did like other thing and she's like you're wrong about that and I just like kind of like I didn't go in

but I was just kind of like shitting on her And then she's talking to her friend I was like why are you still talking? She's like I actually think you're really hot. I was like all right It's just so funny you're like why are you falling for middle school pickup where I'm mean to you and now you like me

That's fucking insane. I yelled at a lady at my job like a girl I work with I was on the phone outside and it was dead. And she kept checking. She's like, when are you going to come back inside? When are you? And she's like, she's got an attitude about everything. And so she came out once and I was like, and she was like, well, how long?

And I said, go back inside. Go back inside. I did that. That was a bad move. And then I went inside and she was like upset. And, you know, the next day I went to work and I apologize to her. And ever since I apologized to her for yelling at her, I swear to God, she thinks I'm hot. Like she just, I catch her like looking at me.

I'm sure she liked it when you, when you nailed to her. Yeah, I'm sure she did because she's mean to everyone. And she like... Everyone likes people being mean to them. Men like it when you're mean to them too. Yeah. They love it. Sometimes.

No, I like it. They like it. I like it all the time. You guys love it. It depends. Okay. What is the context? Like, give an example.

Not like actually crazy mean. Like, not like gaslighting manipulative, like whatever. But like if you like call them, like if they're being, if you're like accurate, if you're mean and accurate. Yeah. Like if you're, if they're being a pussy and you call them a pussy, they like it. That's, yeah. But that's different than like, uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In that way, yes.

Yeah. But, like, not, like, it is, yes. That's why, like, having a girlfriend is because, like, girls sometimes will do that defensively, like, be kind of mean to kind of look unattractive to people. And it's like, I don't want to fuck you. So you're just being mean to a guy who you have nothing over. Oh, yeah. So it's kind of funny just to be mean back. And then it's just like, oh, we're having a weird little conversation now, aren't we?

Yeah, that is funny. Wait, what do you mean? They try to be, you mean, like, when they think someone's hitting on that? Yeah. Well, they're just kind of being dismissive, looking away. like they don't know where the conversation is going and it's like, I don't have to talk to you at all. Oh, yeah.

And I'll just walk away. No, that's not what I mean by mean. I mean like that. Yeah, yeah. But that's a real busting kind of mean. Yeah, that's what I mean. Yes. Yeah.

But then some people like, it's really funny when somebody's bad at nagging and they're just like mean to you for like an app. Yeah. They're like, why are you poor? Yeah. Yeah. This is not longer. It was just a lady being mean. Yeah.

Yeah, it is funny. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's, uh, yeah, I always feel like I have to wrap things around to some sort of end. but now, yeah, we don't have to finish that conversation. Oh, yeah. I forgot how we started, but... We're talking about... Yeah, Lost in the Rift. How was Valentine's Day, by the way? You did... Yeah, Valentine's Day was good.

What did you do for your woman? I got her flowers. This is totally an organic conversation. It wasn't like a back pocket thing that I was like, we're running out of things to talk about when asking about Valentine's Day. What did you do for your woman? That would sound? What did you do for a woman? No, it was nice. I went to a bakery. I got some like little heart cookies that said

Happy Valentine's Day. His girlfriend is so hot. His girlfriend is hot, yeah. I win. I don't even have to do comedy. What am I doing it for? Self-gratification. She did something really funny to me

because I was at that show one time in this, I was at your show and I was trying to get to the bar and this black woman started like yelling at me. And she's like, you're in the fucking way. And I was just like, oh, my bad. And then what's? Kendra.

Kendra just starts laughing at me. She goes, yeah, James doesn't know how to act on black women get mad at him either. Yeah. No, I don't. I had a streak for like a year where every time I talked to an older black lady, she was yelling at me. She was like, they just don't like you.

They don't like me either. They hate me. Yeah, your story is evident of that. Where the woman came into the green room. Oh, yeah. Also, you were probably on shrooms like giggling. Like, if I was drunk and somebody was just giggling, looking at me like, I don't know who you are. Which I picture you being like, who's like bitch?

Oh, I looked like a little shit eater. Yeah, I looked like obnoxious, I think. That's really funny. Yeah. People get really the, when you think you're a little. laughing. But I also get the feeling. Like, do you ever like, but if you walk into a green room and you're like, do you have any idea who I am? Oh, you're insane.

I'm going to fucking laugh at you. Like, sorry. I don't really care actually who you are. This is like fucking hate comedy. There's so much of that. Like, this, it's not common. It's like, it's something else that it's not comedy. Oh, yeah. Well, I've had to start to do that thing where like, now that I'm like single, I'm like trying to look cute.

And this is so funny because I'll look in the mirror and I'm like, ooh, I look too cute to be honest. Like, not like I deserve to be a model, but I'm like, I can't take myself seriously. If I'm wearing like a bomber jacket I'm like, it looks like a fucking asshole. Yeah, that's the thing with comedy. It's like if you're aware of how you look,

it will make you less funny, which sucks. Yeah. Because you can like, because it's like once you start to get your life together a little more and you look a little better and then it's like, yeah, you're like, I want to be funny though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's a stop trying to fuck me. I'm going to be funny. My life's so good. That'd be very funny. Everyone wants to fuck me. I knew I should have looked so hot on stage. It's her bombing. Stupid bomber jacket.

It's just going to be clawing into the bathroom to get to you. I just want to talk. Well, that is the thing too. It's so funny because people always like, people always act like there's a thing where it's like, like, my comedy is so unattractive to women. And so it's really funny that like people think they're like, why don't you like meet chicks at shows? I'm like, that's not how it goes.

I talk about like banging a trans lady and like dead babies. They're not like, hey, what's up? That was so hot when you're like, no, it's not. We're the ones that are. It's not the ones you want to take home. Yeah, it's like, that's not how I can meet women. It's like literally, for me, it's like completely off the table. Like I just like don't even like think about that.

Well, that's good then because then you say whatever you want. Totally. Yeah. And I never want that to be a thing. It's like, I never want to be like, oh, I like would do a different set on stage because there's hot women in the audience. Dude, that's the thing about comedy though, especially when it's like you're not full time yet. Because it's like you get better.

Oh yeah. Sorry. By default. Like, well, you get better the more you say just exactly what you mean and exactly what you feel. and like just get more and more personal about your life and all your weird shit. But then it's like you're putting more eggs in that basket

because now there's more shit about you online that anyone can find. Over 200 hours of me talking like a retard. Or even just do you ever think, like sometimes New York like because I've had people be like, oh, I said you a show before like random ass people in New York. I'm like, oh, it's like New York is not that big. Like there are probably people who see you around

who's seen you do comedy. And they don't say anything. But like... I served a table that came to one of my shows. Really? It's weird. It's weird. The table of my restaurant like two months ago.

We've seen you before. Pianos. I was like, oh my God. Because I like, I really want to keep my life separate. Like, because I like tutor and I'm like, I literally feel like I live a split life because I'm like so serious and academic when I tutor. And then I'm like, I'm like terrified of them find it. Like one of the moms of the kids I tutor.

was like, oh, you do comedy. I'm like, I'm going to kill myself. You put a silencer on a gun and just shoot her in the thing. Don't tell nobody. Piano wires behind the neck. Yeah. I'm going to use the suit to your daughter. I was.

I'm glad you're comfortable enough with me that you can say that. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also, I was like, I don't like that. But what I said, I don't like. But you were, yeah, like, I kind of felt like that when I worked in an office. and I was like, hello, I'm Michael from the office. How are you doing?

You literally feel like you're wearing a costume or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was what was kind of cool about working at the radio station is that I had done a comedy show for them. So then I was just like the comedian they have working at the front desk. So everyone come through like, yo, comedy show guy. But it was like appropriate workplace. People don't know how to act around comedian.

No, no. Because they think that we're just like on all the time. Oh, yeah. So like, yeah, like when my roommate's boyfriend found out I was a comedian, Like he met me and he was like Ha ha ha what's up I was like will you relax I'm in my house right now

Oh my god dude I had it where people leave a comedy show Like this guy from my high school I was so happy because I fucking killed This comedy show Yeah He's like dude you're really funny I was like tell every single person

Went to high school He knows And then we went to a different bar And he's like What's up faggots And I'm like yeah We're out of the showroom Do not like do not just be yelling

They think they can act Insane around comic And they think they know you better Than they do Like there's literally Because I post roast bottle stuff There's people who DM me just roast me. I'm like,

you can't do that to me. One guy was like, you look like you have a growth defect or something. I'm like, I don't know you. You're just a guy being mean to me. Like in my DMs. Do you think, do you think do you get, like, how often do you get horny DMs? A lot now

because of, I had a couple real blow up through roast battle. I don't even have that many. Do you think that could be like negging, like them being like... Yeah, I think probably. Yeah. Yeah. But I... Have you got any just like insanely? I guess you probably can't talk about it because they'll... I could...

What was my phone? I don't know. It's charging? Should I get it? Or is that gonna fuck up our phone? No, we'll be fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you get my phone?

I'm curious about this. I want to actually read some of these. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because I get, like... I think I've gotten, like... You've probably gotten some. Like, every comic gets some. Yeah, yeah.

But men love DMing female comics, though. Because it's like the thing about, like... I do it all the time. Well, you also... You're bad. They think you don't know that you're funny and attractive. They're like, Probably the one person who, like, yeah, especially because you put out a vibe of like that you hate yourself enough, then everyone thinks that you'll fuck them, which is.

Amelia has to turn off her screen time app that keeps her screen time low. Yeah. Breathe out. It's telling you to breathe. Did you breathe before accessing your phone? No, I didn't. I'm holding my breath right now. The more apiece.

I can't not play with this. The more productive. Dead alligator head. Yeah. It's fun. Yeah, it's fun. You got two of them now. You can do a little fight.

All right. Let's see. I don't need to make that noise. So there's this guy. Yeah, they go, all right. They like do little whistles, too. I didn't know that.

Yeah, they crackle. It's the craziest one. I've never heard an alligator noise. You ever see them in the wild? A lot. Florida, a lot.

My dad would always tell me there's no alligators in the lake and then they're like sea alligators in that lake. But they're not as dead. People act like they're like eating people. They don't, the only people they eat are people that are like fighting them.

Like, if they eat your dog and you try to get your dog like, look, your dog gets bid by an alligator. You get the fuck out of here. Yeah, just say goodbye. Yeah, the amount of people that are like, oh, I'm going to save my dog. Wait, so here's a funny one. So this guy's been responding to all my stuff.

He goes, I posted a meme about like something about guys. And he goes, I reply to one story and get turned into a meme. It's not my fault. You're adorable. And then the next thing he says, I posted a selfie. He says, a face only a mother could love. He turned on you immediately. He turned on me so fast.

And then he replies to another. story and goes that could be us at the allergy clinic he's kind of funny for a second I was like shit I but I don't want to reward that and then some people just respond some people are like just really sweet

some people are just sims there are people who sims for female comics like there are a lot of guys like that why are you pointing at me and I've never hooked up with the female comics that's pretty cool yeah me either no it's not comics it's male comics don't it's it's non-comic because they're like

but um wait i'm just trying to look for some crazies uh that's gotta be really insane just random people do i mean i like it i mean obviously i like it like it like it's just attention i i'm not unless they say that i'm gonna stalk you and rape you but

you block people silence this guy goes i said i posted that story said fuck haven't been funny in weeks because i'm actually happy and the guy goes remember women can only pick pick one from the two at a time for parentheses joke

I'm not misogynist they just try to be funny like that one's just cute like they're just trying to be I'm kind of on this guy's side he's kind of risen it up a little bit yeah there's a little bit yeah some of them are cute

yeah um but there are like comments on like some of them just respond oh shit Patty's popping in Patty popping in Patty popping ah how was work

John Shane Oh, he left. Those sunglasses are so fucking cool. Can I wear this for one second on camera just so people can see what they look like? He's the coolest fucking... He just popped in with the monoc head. I know, but people got to see what they look like on me. Ooh, they look like Jaguar.

Did you get those at the RV Festival? What was the thing you were talking about wearing them with? Not the conversation we had. I don't want to bring that up. There was one other thing you were talking about wearing them. Like showing up on a date with those and being like, women trying to use them from my dog. I don't think.

they heard any of that. So showing up, I'm just going to exactly Patty's bit, but into the microphone. Just showing up, you guys just heard the bit. I'm not even going to fucking do it, but yeah, but yeah, yeah. We'll take off. Malia's great at that. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a callback. So guys, imagine showing up on a date with these cool sunglasses. I'm not going to do it. Thank you for

they actually are kind of cool. I'm not going to lie. You feel like T. T.J. Miller. Oh, yeah, yeah. Those look sick. Wait. Wait. You said you had a funny one. Yeah, so, um. This is what a guy who DMs Malia would wear. Oh, then I would give him a chance. That's like a Persian guy with like a really hot, big-titted wife.

This is my wife. Yeah, yeah. Shelling up to the hookah lounge in those shades. You're being such a bad husband and father. She's having the husband. She's eating every day.

In front of her just liking Instagram models. DMing Malia. Why don't you make herself useful? Get that out of my face. Wait, so there's one guy who kept just being like, let me smoke you out. And then I'd be like,

I don't know why I responded to like one thing he said, and then he was like, but you won't let me smoke you out. And then he literally said it so many times. He was like, just come on, just let me smoke you out. When are we smoking? When are we smoking? Like, he just said it so many times. It is funny too, because

like, I don't send creepy DMs, but I've been a horny guy. And it's so funny to think about like, like, thinking like, this guy's a fucking creep, but also understanding slightly the mindset of being like, yeah, well, yeah, that's whatever, who cares? I understand it. I don't think they're being, they're doing anything wrong by doing it. It's hilarious.

And I like it, honestly. People should laugh at me if I were never act like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But it's fun. Yeah. I think also they think like they're just like, oh, if she even responds, that's cool. Like,

especially if they're not in your city and they don't know you, like I think it looks, you look, and you're posting stand-up reels, you look like you're like famous or something. So they're like, oh, you just kind of say whatever. But not quite famous enough where, like, you're not going to see their DM. So, like, they're like,

oh, I can just say whatever and see what happens. Like, yeah. I'll get followers out of it. They probably sent to a group chat. Like, bro, she responded to me. That's cool, honestly. That's cool. That makes me feel famous. I wonder if it's interesting, because you seem like you have a different perspective than a lot of women on stuff, but I wonder if you're just honest about that kind of, because a lot of women would be like,

I fucking hate these DMs are so annoying. No, I mean, I think they're lying. I mean, obviously, if you're getting a threat, that's scary. but yeah oh for sure yeah i definitely don't think they're annoying i think they're fucking that's why i post i'm like oh who's gonna respond to this like yeah it's like it's i mean are any of them cute um yeah they're okay besides james dad besides james dad you got him you finally contacted yeah you won't answer my calls

dude i know a guy is fucking crazy his dad worked he found out his biological father worked like half a mile from his high school his whole like the whole time he was a pre-hiding in plane sight. Oh my God. It's fucking crazy. Just imagine like looking through the fence and just like,

yeah. Yeah, dude. Like watching his baseball games but like from a distance. He's like, I can never get the courage to tell him who I am. Yeah, dude.

My dad was on Long Island the whole time. Really? Never came around. I don't like he left. I didn't know that. Yeah, he was just there. I know like nothing about you.

Yeah. He's still out there. He's 75 years old, or 80 years old. So you have you met him? You don't know your dad. No, I never knew my dad. Yeah, I've never met my dad.

Whoa. What? What's your mom? You're not going to cry, are you? No, he's alive, but he says... Make you guys you're preparing. No, during COVID. He's not going to cry.

It's like the most douchebag thing. You're not going to cry. You're not going to cry, are you? I wouldn't fucking cry. I cheated on you. You're not going to cry, are you? Make sure we're recording if you're going to cry. No, he lived on Long Island, and then I reached out to him in 2020 for the first time.

And then he wrote me a letter back being like, no. Damn. He was like, I don't, it's too late in my life to have a relationship. Yeah. Whoa. And he was living, he was living literally. in the town over. How do you handle that?

I don't know. Well, he's like 80 years old, so I'm like, okay. Give him my number. Don't use your real dick. Use the fake dick that you use for gay stuff. This isn't straight because it's not actually my genitals. This is gay. I know your son.

Yeah, you all FaceTime you in. Meet your son. It's like the scariest way to meet your son. It's getting fucked in the ass. He keeps on FaceTime. So I wish I could have taken to you tomorrow. Oh, okay. Sorry.

I'm in a weird spot in my life. Yeah, so he never, he never even met me as a baby, though. He left before I was even born. Dang. Oh, man, what a dick. Yeah, he never wanted anything to do with me. What's his life? Like, what is...

You keep saying this, I would do, I don't... I didn't even catch up, but I do want to... He said nothing to do with you. I think it's just kids. I don't think there's specifically he's like James Donnellin. I know that. going to be. He has a step family now and he raises those kids.

Okay, never mind. He does know he doesn't want to be with you. Now he's ready. He's ready at 80 years old. I can be a dad now. Yeah. Not with some used up kids. Oh, man.

Wow. He probably just feels like he's probably fucked up. He probably feels like he already fucked it up. Yeah, probably. Yeah. I mean, I can't imagine. And also like the type of guy who like is like 80 and approaching death and like doesn't want to meet his son is like, I actually probably don't want to meet this guy.

Like, yeah. He doesn't even have that curiosity to see what I'm like. Yeah. That's weird. That's very weird. Yeah. Do you think you seen what you look like? Did you send a picture in there?

I sent pictures. I was like, these are pictures of what I look like now. What's your mom? I'm sorry, it'd be very funny if it was she like flexing and like, like doing like, they're all mirror selfies.

In those glasses. I sent him his own pair. Join me. In the swole army. He's like, I know you're just getting good lighting. That's all he says back. You're not ripped. Yeah, no.

So what's your mom like? Single. In her 60s. But, yeah. But do you think, like, I'm just wondering about your personality. Like, do you think you... I was an only child and no dad. So it's just me and my mom in the house.

You think you inherited a lot of your personality traits from your mom? Yeah, yeah. Well, he's not a fucking asshole. Like, he's a really nice guy. I assume my mom's... I know, but I'm just... I know, but you're so interesting. Like, so I'm wondering.

if you're like, your dad was like some kind of fucked up creative genius or something. He drove like a boar's head delivery truck. Well. But how did he drive it? Did he drive it like creatively? Yeah. Was he swerving? No, my mom is not very funny and she said that she's like your dad was very funny.

But he actually was like mean. He would like hurt people's feelings. Because she owned a bar and that's how they're the opposite. You're one of like the few people that's like really good to being funny and nice. Like it's like a niche thing. No, but James has a little mean. I just roasted the shit out of paddy. Yeah, that's true.

But it's like a roast is different. Like you're capable, but I feel like your natural thing is you're very funny, but you don't have, like. Yeah. I didn't let me tell you had to be funny. I mean. No, I just think that was the only thing you ever really said. She was like, you're not really mean, but he seemed to be like funny and like, but hurt people's feelings. I would like piss me long, you know?

So I actually think looking back, I probably would have been like different and worse if he was around, you know? Yeah, interesting. Yeah. Because you turned out fucking great. I'm not, there is a piece of me that feels like, I got to give James a little extra love today after hearing all this. But most of it's I really like you as a guy. Yeah, man, I like you guys too.

Michael, Malia, separately. You guys are great. Together, even better. Why do you say it like you didn't mean it when you said it to me? I don't know. I didn't know how to respond. Well, you didn't say anything nice on me. It's hard to respond to compliments.

No. Because I'd stand. When somebody compliments is said, I'm like really sit in it. Like, I really like the way you did the jokes. You're like, thank you. Thank you. You got any more on that? What do you mean?

Yeah. So tell. Yeah. We could break down every joke and how I thought of it because I'm so smart. You want to come to my bringer? We are, I hate that,

I'm literally having a fucking time my life, but we are at an hour. Yeah, no. We're going to wrap it up. What do you guys want to promote? Well, if my dad's out there and he listens and he wants to second try, you know, we could go again.

Yeah, all right. Promote yourself to your dad. To your dad on a podcast. I like to plug my existence to my father. I originally started benching 320, which is three high for me. I think he left because I wasn't strong enough.

Well, no, I could do like 400 squat now. So come back. He's like, it's not about the squats. What is your curl? No, my legs are so strong. How's your dad? Plug your dad. Can I have him?

You don't want him. He's a psychologist who's in love with himself. Oh, great. Patty knows. Patty's met him and done DMT with him. Yeah, that is so cool. cool yeah i'll plug the instagram lilia simon that's all that's where it's all at and thank you for listening thanks happy valentine's day that was a week ago actually happy uh happy uh happy happy

day after sheing gillis did s and i hate i hate that you know what i suck i like complimenting other comics of the podcast but i hate being a little cocks like a fan yeah i'm like i'm like i'm so gay i'm so much yeah yeah yeah i know you mean peace