Morning Good - Call Me Jizz Henson - Episode 77

Episode Date: May 5, 2022

Thanks Paddy and Jason for coming back on the show for Wednesday episode. These are going to be coming more often, so for the time being, expect to get two episodes a week - one on Sunday, one on Wednesday.Make sure to follow Paddy on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and Twitter @paddydefino, and go see Jason at Half Full Brewery in Stamford, CT on May 20th.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are. What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. Okay, so we're starting again. God damn it with Jason David and Patty DeFito. Hi. Hello. It's also not Jason. Oh, is Jason?

D-comedy. I don't care. After we just lost the best. If someone has, yeah, it's, uh, yeah, my spirit's broken. Yeah, dude. What do you want, what do you want to talk about, Mike? Should we try to? To recreate it.

I went to the Holy Land experience of my family. Holy Land, dude. More like, uh, glory, holy land. Oh, you guys got me. Yeah, instead of Splash Mountain. Yeah, what about, what about Gash Mountain, dude? Oh, that's pretty him. He has pretty much.

That was it. That was it. We just called me gay for a little bit. Do we really just revile. eyes the podcast. Yeah. What if all podcasts were like that where they did it once then they listen back

and they're like, let's just fucking cut out all the fed. Yeah. Let's just punch this up real quick. Make it seem like the most unnatural conversation. Oh, yeah. I mean,

that would be natural, the Holy Land. But what I was talking about is me promoting my podcast. I'm putting these stickers, by way, Patty DeFino's here and Jason D.

Comedy's here. And yeah, I'm putting on the back of bathroom stalls. I'm finding whatever degenerate people wherever they would find this thing. Right. Which I'm trying to think.

What's another spot you guys think would be good for that? Like any place where they're giving them methadone? Yes. Wherever they hand out suboxin. So like sort of on the underside of like pharmacy counters. Yeah, what about underneath the crust of like a dollar slice of pizza? Okay, yes. The only problem with the methadone thing is if my fans are addicted to heroin,

they're probably going to die soon like a lot of my friends. So I'm going to lose listeners very fast. That's true. Like on his deathbed, you're like, okay, but if you could just go ahead and subscribe. stay subscribed make sure to rate and review change your pin before your mom

find it you know is it by the way is it true I've heard that if you go to like an ATM and you type your pin number in backwards

like the cops show up because it's like a way to like but how fast are they going to show up is the thing? In New York City they're not going to show up some like social worker with like half of a fucking big chug

fucking soft drink will show up and like I just don't know. I don't know how much time I'm gonna like buy just like, oh, yep, I don't know,

just for some reason it's just not let me into the ATM. Yeah. What are you up to? Also, one of my pins is one number and my other one

of my pinch my credit card is the number backwards. So I could totally mix those up and the Fox shows up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I totally didn't think about it the other way. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I haven't had to call the police. The only time I've had to call the police

in New York was this dude was just high on meth. And he's like, hey man, my heart's gonna explode. Can you please call the police? Oh, wow. He's just standing there. There's a weird thing Why the police? Why not an ambulance? I think he wanted, no, it was an ambulance. Okay. So he called 911.

Yes. Right. And then they just sent a cop who then killed him. So you just remember. Is he bothering you from this door? He just fucking spiked the narcan off his forehead. I don't know how to use this thing. You figure. They just hands up the narcan. He's like, are you giving me more drugs?

Yeah. Pudgeon this is meth. Smoking or something. I don't know. I grew up in Queens. Dude, it fucking, um,

but there's this weird thing that I've noticed everybody on Crystal Meth. So first off, not wearing shoes a lot of the times. And the ground is hot to them. Every time I see somebody on meth, they're kind of like dancing on,

like not trying, like the floor is lava. But it's like, it's like, okay, it's how, like living in Florida, you probably experience this in Georgia too.

You ever like walk across hot cement? Brutal. Yeah, right? But it's like, it's like they're doing that, but just that's what the ground. is today. They just can't stop moving. Or do you think they're also playing the floor is lava?

I think they're playing the floor's lava. Playing the floor's lava is just super fun when you're on meth. They're also playing getting a job as lava. Am I, right? Fucking piece is a shrapish. They should be like me. I went to private school. I figured it all out.

Do you see a lot of specifically, like, guys on meth? I think I can spot the difference between meth and crack. What's the difference? Meth is way more. So the way I noticed this is there's this guy. Meth heads, like, hold attention the way Michael does when you're having a conversation with him and he's on Adderall and just fucking stares blankly in your head. Michael

can just spot that fucking thousand yard stair from a mile away. I kind of can. It's also like, I saw this dude one time, and he had a jar full of gummy worms, and he was funneling, he didn't have teeth because he's in crystal meth, and he was just funneling them down his throat. Disgusting.

And then I looked up, apparently people on meth, the sugar is very like, the sensations of eating sugar around crystal meth are very positive. Yeah. And I was like, okay, that's probably a meth guy. That's funny because the sensation of eating sugar when not on crystal meth are also very good.

You ever had ice cream? Pretty tight. Ice cream on meth, though? That's true. It's perfect snack for people with no teeth, bro. They just kind of like... Ice cream like...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're perfect. But, what was it? Yeah, this guy, there's this guy seeing him constantly. He's just wearing Tim's, boxers, nothing else, and just bleeding hardcore.

Like, hard... It's from a different part every time. Like, his arm one time, his leg one time. also I think meth gives you the you peel at your skin more yeah I think crack you're just you're out to have a good time

you're just partying yeah yeah you're just having you're just chilling you're just doing coke but more efficiently yeah it's kind of it's like for the coke guys who didn't quite make it for the coke yeah for the coke guy in a hurry yeah don't have time to chop up a line just fucking shove it in this glass tube and light that baby up yeah I would be interested to know what it's like because like cocaine I like dude I'm like, I have such allergies all the time that, like, every time I do Coke, like,

are you sure you not Jewish? I don't want to have. I couldn't possibly. My shy is doing. I catch every time. No, I like, I, I'm pretty sure it just gets trapped in my nose. Right. And then, like, they're like, do you feel it?

Like, when someone has to ask you, do you feel it? You just know it didn't work. Yeah, yeah. It's like, no, because I'm not telling you about this insane water slide idea. I'm not telling you my movie idea. Yeah. Do you snort water afterwards? No.

That helps you. Oh, really? Oh, she, big time. Yeah. It just, like, runs it all down. Interesting. But also, it'll get in through your nose because it sucks in through the blood vessels, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you'll get it that way. One of my favorites, my friends, one of my buddy is very preppy, like, wore Sparry's colored shirt, not a huge druggie guy at all. I mean, he's sober now. But he got drunk and, like, smoked crack with a homeless guy. The same way somebody would, like, bang a girl they're not attracted to. Like, the next morning, we're like, we had a crazy. nice. He's like, did I made out with this chick, bro?

And this guy's like, I smoked crack with a homeless guy. And we're like, God damn. His name was Kooky Pete. I didn't hear the beginning of that. I thought you said he had sex with a homeless guy. Like the way we had, you like hook up with a girl you're not attracted to.

He's like, yeah, bone out there banging the homeless again. I shared a cigarette with a homeless guy one time. And I like, the next day I was like, what am I do? Like, because like, I gave I didn't have a cigarette. And for some reason, I'm like, I need to give this guy a cigarette. Yeah.

So I, like, gave him half a mine and he took, like, a drag, and he's like, you want something? Like, ah. You can't. Yeah. But I already fucking look both ways. I don't need to fucking do that. You know what? I'm going to go ahead and I'm just going to go up buy a whole new $20 pack of cigarettes.

Yeah, literally. Like, if it's the last one, you know? It, uh, yeah, my favorite is there's this new homeless guy in Greenwich Village. I'm not positive he's homeless. So I thought he was homeless at first. He's new to the scene. New to the scene. Open mic homeless guy.

Yes. I heard he's from Dallas, though, so they have a good scene down there. Oh, yeah, they do, dude. No, but he's this homeless guy, and it's so funny because he looks so homeless, full beard, he's digging through trash, but he has the voice identical of like a rich gay Jewish man. And I'm like, it can't be. He's like, hello, how are you doing today, nice young man? No way. Have you been watching Jeopardy?

It's been great recently. See, that's the most terrifying homeless guy, because that guy has, he's burned bridges with everyone in his life. Yeah, yeah. No one's bailing him out. That's true. Yeah, yeah. He has for like twice the amount of money. Is that the same homeless guy that threw a slushy at Allen?

No, that sounds hilarious. Did you hear about that? He's like, yeah, I was barking. I was talking to these guys. And then this gay guy comes up to me. And he's like, hey, do you have any money? And I'm like, no, I don't. And he throws a fucking blue slushy at me.

I was sitting there like, Jesus fucking Christ, dude. What the fuck? I'm trying to wash it off. Can't wash a slushy off. Allen Fitzgerald just starts scooping it up. Just me. Just fucking spoon. You're wasted it.

Have you seen that the gay homeless guy who like, he does like a furious hot boy walk around? Like he does like a hips out strut and just like yells at anyone when it gets in his face? No. I can't imitate the walk, but he like

he does like a like sweeping walk down the street and screams of people. Oh my God. That is awesome. And he does it for hours. He just walks around one block and just keeps doing it.

I saw a homeless guy the other day who was like just taking a shit in the middle of the sidewalk. But it was like exceptionally funny because like he must not have remembered that he did this, but he pulled his pants down. And he was like, and you could like see that he was taking a shit. But he pulled his pants down around his ankles and he had another bear of pants. Underneath.

He's shattered nose. You could just see it like like with a baby like it like files up. And he totally like something must have to happen. He's like looking at the deli worker. He's like, you're going to have to clean that shit up. He just walks away with this. Because all it takes...

Who shit in my pants? All it takes is one step and you're like, oh, no. Today was the day I decided to wear two pants. These are my only other pants. That's why I wear them around everywhere. Oh, man, what a fucking horrible realization that must be. It was weird because it wasn't like cold.

It's just got to be the thing where it's like I got to, put all my belongings on me. Yeah, of course, yeah. Yeah. You got to move. He's moving from one side to the other, yeah. Yeah. I saw one guy one time.

He, he's standing up, and I think he must have shit in his pants or something, too, because I'm looking at him, like, face to face. By the way, Michael's, like, the Joan of Arc of Homeless down in McDoooolew. Dude. He's on a first name basis with everybody. He's got, like, long dramas, yeah?

Bring me your weary, your fucking hooked on coat. To them, like, barking is, like, the last stage before homeless. So they're, like, trying to get him used to be used to. in the street. Oh, you like yelling in the street too. Yeah.

Wow, dude. This is so funny because I'm genuinely like, I am not better than anybody here. I'm like, I'm begging people for money. You do feel like the scum of the earth.

When you're barking, if a homeless guy yells something crazy at a couple, I'm like that couple, they're never going to buy tickets for me. If I'm the second guy to yell at them in two seconds, it's over.

Well, I've started to battle in the sense that like, I'll be selling tickets and then this homeless woman walked up, you know, the short one.

Oh, the tiny one? Yeah, yeah. She wasn't shine to light in my eye She said she was gonna The one who like mutters? Yeah Yeah

She got a wig now Which step up Looks good Yeah dude looks good Blonde wig doesn't quite match But I don't mind When your act doesn't work And you gotta incorporate props

That's exactly it But she like Something's different about you Yeah I'm selling a tugas I'm walking people to door She goes Hey can you guys buy a ticket for me too

So I can go to the show And I'm like You don't have shoes on I'm sorry but we have like And then I had to be like Please I'm working on the sale can you please fuck off

she goes like she does like this kind of barking noise you also stink dude it's like one of those things you're ugly

I don't like you sorry about that guys you want to come to the comedy show Michael just like fighting with homeless people like there is like girlfriend on the street

you always do this every time dude people underestimate how much a bad stink can just ruin everyone's time but it's also like

Like the gross eye Saw this guy We're walking face to face We made some eye contact While he was doing this He was standing up Uh Somehow shoot his pants

And he's taking newspaper And cleaning the shit From behind his balls Like just He's just looking to me straight We make direct eye contact And he has just like a scoop of shit And I'm like

Oh my I'm like please don't feel that at me Is that for me? Yeah Do you ever see a homeless guy With a huge piece? Like a huge wiener Yeah

Oh dude I'm pretty sure All of them have been Yeah I think that's why they fucked their way into homelessness. People are like, that's a liability in my office. That's a tripping hazard. Literally, this dude needs OSHA certification just to fucking walk around.

I was just walking. There's a guy just like leaning back on the side wall just like sleeping and he had pants on, but just the helmet was just peeking out there his waistband. He was like, I mean, it was massive. He was clearly just like, I mean, I got to give him a little look. It looked like the green shell and Mario Car. Exactly. Same dimensions

And color They could be like I don't know if there's Does this seem that there's more of them now Or do you think it's the same amount? I think statistically there are I mean like I don't think the pandemic was Certainly

Housing a lot of people Oh no My first I saw three wheelchair guys Roll up to one corner Like three different areas to go Guess this is the wheelchair homeless guy Convention The guy rolls off I thought that was funny

Wait they said that to each other? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, dude, that's awesome. They got bits. They got bits, bro. Yeah, was that one dude. You know the dude who's tatted up?

Great guy. Really nice guy, very cool guy. Is a guy that's tatted up with tits? No. Okay. What was that? Dude, there is this one guy who's like, I've fallen on hard times. They took my job away.

Meanwhile, it's like a guy who's got tattoos all over his face. And he's got big tits and like a beard. And I'm like, dude, I know you've fallen on hard times, but it looks more like, hard time, like, you've created these hard times. Like, it's a tough one, dude, to throw the tits on. I get the tattoos, it's like whatever. Wait, so it was like an operation?

Yeah. Oh, it wasn't like, like, I've gotten so fat. No, he's like, uh... That'd be hilarious. He's only transitioning. Someone's transitioning, they're like, get really fat, get like man tits, and then it'll be given me for more to work with. They're like... Yeah, yeah. Pat is just like, I'd like to give you money, I'm just so fucking...

It's enraged and horny. Nice and fat tits. Here's a dollar. fucking stick it between those fucking smush them together. Let me put a fucking there. They looked like they got fused together in the back of a like a bodega too, not like a professional. It doesn't look professional at all. Like safety scissors and fucking. Oh, how about this dude?

Because like I didn't realize you're such a big EDM guy. Yeah. I kind of like, he's going to name all these bands and I'm going to sound stupid. I call the bands. I tell you know it's bad. I don't know any of them. All I know is like you suggested the idea of just ripping ketamine and going. Because like I used to be.

like a kind of a molly guy but the molly like molly you can do once in a like if you do too much molly it's very bad for your brain yeah you just start to forget letters of the alphabet like your life just becomes what the fuck is that squiggly thing it's a z your life just becomes like a rat maze

where you never find the cheese like so I took your and I let me just say catamine is no better for sure uh oh that look on your face what is this no we're we're good we're good but uh no I just had a night where I did a bunch of ketamine and, uh,

did you really just take my advice and start doing ketamine? I did. I mean, that was a genuine advice. I was like, I would do ketamine over doing molly. And then you're like, I think I'm going to do ketamine all the time because Michael recommended it.

I don't do it all the time, but like, it is one of those things. When you're at one of these shows, I don't know if you ever go and like, see it's like, you know how there's like a coat check. There's almost like a brain check too.

Yeah. You just have to like check your brain at the door. I'm just going to be like a fucking ghost of a person. Oh yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. You just want to hear sounds and shit.

Yeah, and your body just kind of moves naturally. Sorry, I touched your leg when I said moves naturally. So wait, you got to the concert. You took Molly first? Yeah, it took like a little bit of Molly. I love that you're like, you're like, he's like, yeah, you know, I, this is that conversation where I was like, you know, I only would really do ketamine if I went to one of these concerts.

I don't do my- don't ever, like, you know, the biggest fucking drug advocates. Actually, you know, cocaine isn't that bad for you. As long as you test it, make sure that there's no, you can actually use it. I, I, I really don't think anything's that bad for you. But I told him, I was. like, yeah, I wouldn't really do Molly anymore. You know, maybe consider ketamine.

And he goes, I took your advice. I took a bunch of Molly and then I did ketamine at the concert. What I genuinely meant why, I would do ketamine. I'm not saying if I was you, I would do it. I would say, but what you suggested was what I did, which is called flipping the horse. Yeah, horse flipping. Which I thought was something that you only did when you played a game of chess and you didn't have enough pieces.

No, horse flipping, yeah. But, no, it was a good time, dude. It was like, it was probably, like, every time I go to one of those shows, I'm like, this is the, this is the, this is the, this is the, reason we exist. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just be dumb asses and, like, kind of dance with cool lights.

Yeah, exactly. Like, just totally fucking not present in any way at all. Have you ever texted your parents you love them on Molly? I did that one time.

No. I was out of the EDM culture. I love me so much. It was one of those, it was one of those bass drops but it's like, and we're here.

You know, like, there's two idioms. There's the EDM. It's like, everybody move. We'll get the fuck up. And then there's the where it's like,

and we were there in the lights together. Everyone saw. They bring it up it's like, yeah. Dad, I love you.

Yeah, they always bring in like that chick and you're like, Is this an angel talking? Yeah. Love my life.

Dude, it is so great though. Can you talk real quick, Jason? That's very concerning. God damn, dude. Wait.

Wait, this is concerning. Give me a second. Yell? Hello. Not picking up that. At EDM concerts. It's where we were. EDM, dude.

What? You doing fistful of ketamine or something? Did you? K-hole, did you? I didn't K-hole, but I, dude, I got very close. Because, like, there was a point where I was like, oh, I got a pee. And I, like, spun around. And I, like, I almost fucking just ate shit.

Like, just, yeah. It's also the nice thing about an EDM show is that if that happens, no it around, he's like, what is going on with you? Yeah. What's up with this guy? You know what's really cool? It's like, there's so many people I've just done drugs with who are like, yeah, here, you should do this. And I'm like, oh, is this good?

They're like, yeah, I'm a nurse. I'm like, you know, so you'll, they're like, yeah, I can revive you if shit goes down. That is kind of comforting. I stole this from, I've been writing fake prescription pads for years, which is very honest. Yeah. Dude, I went to one edam concert and there's a dude in fetal position on the ground. I'm like, this guy's done a fuck town of drugs. And I'm like, hey, what's going on, man?

And he goes, oh, I'm blind. I was like, what? He goes, yeah, I just got to get in a fetal position and cover my ears because it's really loud at stuff. So this is how I like, do it. Hey, man, maybe never come to one of these ever. This does not seem like an ideal environment for a blind guy. Yeah.

I'm deaf. I'm just going to go to a shooting range and just take a walk. That's what I want to do. I wonder if he's like, yeah, that's because your other senses hike up, right? Yeah, yeah, so it's probably so loud. EDM is just like, ah! Did he have head, like, earbuds? No, he's just covering his ears in it

And I was like, I thought he was like on a ton of drugs He's like, where am I? What is this place? This isn't CBS? Where is my, I had a dog He got very scared. Dude, I've never been at a concert and been like, this is too loud. Like I've never had that happen.

We used to go to these concert called Excision. You know Excision? Yeah, I've seen Existion. You seen him fucking sick. Dude, we would go. and but sometimes because he'd have like whatever water sounds

your face vibrates which is very cool if you're on MDMA or bath salts but yeah he uh we won't want to and people put in ear plugs

I'm like you fucking get out of here it's like we're all on serious drugs and you're worried about your use and you're here for the music yeah get the fuck out of here

can you go you fucking loser is your hearing worse has your hearing got worse absolutely it totally destroyed my hearing yeah it's like

But do you like that? As all three of us scream on this podcast. I like looked, but the first time I like talked to this, it was like redlining. I was like, oh shit, I got it.

Oh yeah. Well, I mean, we got fucking Jay's in here wears helmets. So clearly. I was just wearing him around. Like,

do him to keep me safe. It's a dangerous city. I used to play drums in a band. So like that destroyed my hearing. Because like I had no idea you should put like hearing protection in. Yeah, if you're drummer. And I'd be like,

I got to hear the baseline. Like, so then everything just turns up. And then you play. louder and it just becomes this like constant cycle of like everyone getting louder and dude it just really like my ears would ring for like two days after I'm like oh this is irreparable damage that I'm doing oh yeah sound of metal sound a metal yeah no to move about that exact thing wait no I've seen it about the metal drummer going off Ozzie's in it right

who Ozzy Osbourne yeah it's so funny he's like yeah you know no this guy is fucking fucking it's not this he was doing heroin oh yeah the last thing they should be like could Ozzy hear well? He's not in the movie, but that is fun. Yeah, yeah, too. I've used to interview with them, but they're like, have you had alcohol today?

He's like, you know, my guy, Louis, I had a few beers. It's like he takes so long to form the fucking sentence. But the one thing I will say, though, he fucking did a video. This is how sad things are. I'm like, you know, it would be crazy. What if Ozzie had Twitter?

And he does, and it's so fucking lame. He's on there. He's like, Maine, Sharon, we stand with the Ukraine. Oh, my dude, okay. Dude, that's a good, Oz. Jesus Christ, dude. I was like, you guys don't know where the, like, she, I'm sure she's like,

tell him this or so he, tell me. He's like, he has no idea. That's what, is, you see these people in, you're like, in, like, in 2006, you're like, oh, Ozzie is doing great considering what he's been through, but now it's 16 years later. Yeah, yeah, he's not. He has not been on TV that much. You see him, you're like, oh, oh, oh, I got bad.

You're going to see Marilyn Manson now, and you're like, oh, oh, no. Dude, put Aussie in a room with Joe Biden and then just have him Oh my God. Interact. Can voice? Do you see the video of Joe trying to turn around to shake hands with nobody?

Yeah, that's awesome, though. That's so cool, dude. Like, the thing is, like, I'm, it almost, because, like, I wanted Trump to win because I'm like, we need humor in this world. Yeah. And I, like, when Biden won, I was pissed. And then he has not ceased to impress.

Like, I'm, I fucking love that guy because he doesn't know what the fuck he said. He just kind of, like, He is like, I said, like, he's, he's got like one foot in, like, the spiritual realm. Like, some of him, he sees dead ancestors, like, floating around him. And then, like, his wife comes into France. Like, he's talking to his dead son. Like, dude, he's like, he does not know what's going on.

He's transcending reality. And that's, like, really a beautiful thing to see, you know? You know, Diane Feinstein? Do you see the story about her? The senator from California is, like, 90 years old, and she just just has dementia. But it's still, like, so people, like, go to talk to her. about serious stuff and she's just like, and who are you again?

It's like five times during the conversation. It's so funny too, because this is what happened with politics, right? It was really serious and people had nuanced perspective. This is interesting. Then it started becoming, fuck you,

you're on that side, fuck you're on that side. And now they're basically just throwing shit at each other and it's hilarious. Like, it's got to the point, it's fun again. Yes, it is.

Like, that last presidential debate was hilarious. Oh, my God. It's finally fun again. Yeah. Because it's gone full circle. It's like, yeah, it's like, crazy. It's like crazy when people are like, can you believe, like, what's happening toward...

It's like, would you rather than be like, and then the tax reform and then, like, boo. Dude, it's... Like, you want to sit through that shit? I saw the best thing. I've seen the Gary Johnson video. He said it to me. You saw it, right? No. He said a libertarian convention and they're debating whether you should have driver's license or not.

And he's like, you know, I think there should be some sort of comp... Boo! He just gets booed for saying that he driver's license. There's the guy's like, listen, what's next? Does the government going to tell me I can't put toast in my toaster? If I put a toaster license? You're like, this is awesome. Yeah.

That does kind of wreck. Dude. But now I'm like, fucking nerd, Gary Johnson wanting driver's license. No. Everything. No rules. Yeah. I agree.

Let's just fucking, because dude, what's the worst that's going to happen? Stupid people will die. Strong people will live. Cool guys, aka us, they'll let us live. We'll laugh about it. Yeah. They'll let us. We need, like, mediocre podcasters from New York, so you guys.

I do. You know what I like to think about is that your listeners are guys who just like, they get like political content from Rogan, but then that ends and they're like, it's not enough. And they just have to keep going down the well. Like, I'll listen to these guys talking about EDM festivals for a little while. But he's going to say something about Biden and that's going to set them off. That's what we're going to get to the real stuff. Yeah, dude, it is funny.

Like every time I come on this podcast, I don't know if this is like my fourth or fifth time. Only one of them has been put out, by the way. Oh, really? No, I don't know. No, it's three of them have. Yeah, I know. But, like, every time, like, we hit kind of, like, the 40-minute mark or whatever, like, we just get so political. Oh, every time.

Every time, yeah. But it's also, we've had a conversation now for three hours. We've recorded 20 minutes. The recorder is cut out twice. By the way, Michael can't figure out how to make a Zoom recorder work. But he's like, here's what you got to do with the libertarian part. Me, I can't make electric thing. Stay plug in.

Yours is blinking for some reason. That's because I'm screaming. Oh, okay, sweet. Yeah, I don't get a fuck about that. They can listen to. What concerts have you been to? I love transitions. I'm like, in my head, I'm like, God damn it.

If we lose traction, it's gonna fucking suck. And instead I go, so what about you now, Jason? You are getting better, though, dude. Because there was, like, early on in your podcast, I remember, like, we'd be talking about something. And then we would just switch topics, like, so insane. By the end of the thing, there was, like, nothing to talk about. We basically like open

Encyclopedias to like random pages And just like fucking rip on that It's just like fucking miscarriage That was my favorite is I've you said nurses do TikToks now Which is so funny They're like there's a TikTok Dude what year is this

I don't know why I'm just discovering this now It's like here's you They twerk on there sometimes And they're wearing masks for some When can he's not clapping for them There's this one where this nurse gets on And she's like She's like

What's the hardest thing It's like it must be hard dealing with miscarriages. He's playing some, like, fun song, and she goes, I just head nods. I'm like, that's a TikTok. I'm like, what? Nick Tilelli had a joke about this

where he's like nurses are heroes, but like he's from Long Island. It's like, those are just girls who, like, couldn't get through salon school. So, like, you know, it's the demo for TikTok. Yeah. I'm not a big, I'm not a big concert guy, though, for the most part.

Really? Did you see your helmet to it? I saw him wear a helmet on a bicycle. one time and I'm always going to call him lame for it. Just forever now. I went to visit my parents in Florida recently. Just bullying me. Jason, what do you guys eat fucking hummus?

Would you guys eat fucking Jew stuff? Whatever Jews eat, you know. I did go to Passover Seder. Oh, nice. Are you like still Catholic? Not really. I mean, like if I'm home, I'll go to Mass. Okay, there's a whole part of this podcast that got cut out

where we talked about banging Jesus in the end. You think he's still Catholic? I don't know, man. He seemed to me, he got a little tight when we're talking about that. He's not upset. I almost laughed.

He was like, all right, well, I thought he was a pretty cool guy anyway. That's pretty good ideas. You're going to be sorry. He just died for all of our sins, but, uh,

no, yeah, totally, let's talk about that. Yeah, Judas kissing Jesus. Really funny, guys. Yeah. Good luck explaining that to him. No, I think I'm like a, like, a bell curve Catholic

in the sense that, like, when I was really young, I was, like, very devout. And then, like, as I got older and I was like, why am I wearing a t-shirt of a, like a baby riddled by abortion in my public high school? Oh, you were one of those guys? Yeah, like my parents had me wear that shit and like protest.

Wait, where are you from? What? Yeah, in public school too. Yeah. Upstate New York, uh, Saugerties. I feel like upstate New York has got like a lot of like low-key, like, it's a very liberal town. Like everyone hated it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I remember like, I did it like when, because I would just do it because I'm like, oh, this is what our church does. I don't, you don't know what abortion is. is, especially when you're a kid. You're like, yeah, I'm glad I'm alive. Like, I don't want other people to die.

You don't realize how fucking cool it is. Exactly. You don't, until you nut and a lady and you're like, you got to fucking, like, kill that thing, you don't realize how, you know. But anyway, I wore like a shirt and it was just like pro life, whatever. And this was in fifth grade. And like, our art teacher who was like very liberal, very progressive, which is like, like me and my sister like to think it's a private school and this is casual Friday

like a weird t-shirt just got like a dead baby on me like our art teacher who was like me and my sister like would have art in the same day and dude she would like spill paint on us and stuff and like smear it in over like the messages about like acting like this an accident yeah acting like it was a total mistake and it was like so and like we were kids we were like what the fuck like that was like weird yeah my art teacher just like rubbed paint on my chest for like a for like 30 seconds yeah and I cried And then, like, luckily she said, like, I remember I went back to my class and I was, like, upset about it. And they're like, she wants to talk to you because she wanted me to, like, not tell anyone about it.

So she, like, tried to bribe me with a muffin. It was like, of course it works. Because, like, it was a muffin. The way, she's like, now on video say that you think abortion should be legal and popular. The way you're telling, it sounds like your art teacher molested you, but you've just, like, concocted this whole other thing that happened. Dude, I might have, dude. I've never been able to color between the lines. She rub pain all over my shirt.

On my shirt, she rubbed pain. On my shirt, on my tints. That would suck, too, if you got molested, but you keep getting candy so that you should get diabetes. You get so fat, they're like, I don't even want to molest you. The parents are like, I don't even...

You're gross now. The parents are like, I don't even know what happens. We feed you vegetables every day. I don't know where he's getting you from. You go for a jog, tubby. Yeah. Yeah, now she just gives me apples. I don't know.

Protein shakes. She's like, smoothies. You'd have a kale planet. I don't want to suck your pussy. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. So, anyway, the bell curve thing.

I was like pretty Catholic. You're going to when you're older again? Yeah, I think because then I got away with it because I went to school for like science and shit. And I was like, oh, there's no reason that we're on this planet at all. Yeah, you watch one Bill Nye episode. I know. You're like, yo, fucking Bill Maher is smart as hell. You just watch religiousists.

Yeah, exactly. And then like, but as I get older, I'm like, you know, it's probably not Catholicism is not the answer. but like, there's got to be, newest version. Yeah, there's something. Like, there's some kind of thing. Like, it's just, everything is too weird

for their not to, like, what are the odds that, like, human life, or whatever life just evolves to this thing where now, like, we have just stupid shit going on,

ever, like, there is, like, a sense of, I think for there to be a sense of humor, there has to be some kind of, like, higher power or something. Have you read the writings of Mary Baker, Eddie?

Because I feel like, we're not getting to say, Mary Poppins. And I was like, yeah. Pretty much the same. It's like, it's like,

but if one of the kids broke his leg, she'd be like, just fucking go to bed and pray about it. Mary popping that cherry. Oh, Mary, popping that pussy, dude. Oh, my latest poppy pussy like this.

I just want to sing the old. I don't want to do fucking YouTube, but dad's podcast. Your dad listens to the pod? Yeah, yeah. Every episode? I explicitly told my parents if I'm on a podcast,

just don't listen to it. Well, I told them not to for years. I was like, don't listen to the podcast. And now that I've gotten so much success. Now that you've honed the art. Yeah, they're like, his parents could be like, Michael, what the fuck are you doing?

And you're like, just listen, all right? Just listen. You just, you ask them to listen because you literally need the listeners. Yeah, you get one more listener out of it. I feel like, do your parents have like good sense of humor? Like, do they enjoy, like? Yeah, my mom. His dad is personal friend is.

One of my favorite is, there was one friend that texted me, like, Venmoed me for like coming on my mouth and face. And she's like, you think this is funny? You think this is funny to me? I'm going to read this out loud. $5 for coming and nutting in my mouth. You think that's... She always pulls that.

You think this, you think coming on face is just funny? Now it is. You said it's so serious. That's so funny. My dad would be like, Michael, you know, it's not funny.

But like, if you try not to smart, stop. Do they like stand up? Do they like watching it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit like the, uh, yeah, you know who I love that,

George Lopez. Yeah. Dan it Dan it Dan Dan Blah My mom loves

Jim Gaffigan Like she wishes I was Jim Gaffigan's great You can probably be Jim Gavgan Do you get I can't do Steer hard

Into the Catholic thing I know I can't be clean though Dude it's so hard I find nothing funny about like

Clean comedy Oh I disagree I love Na Bargazzi No I mean I love like comics who can do it

Oh but yeah I don't personally Find it But like for me Like my sense of humor Like when I'm writing It's like I steer so far away from it

And it's, it takes so much skill. Do you have the same thing? I'm just not skilled enough. Do you say this, too, where you start in one place? You're like, I'm going to write jokes about the grocery store. And the next thing you know, my grandma's getting, like, murdered. Yeah, you got 20 new minutes on 9-11. Yeah, it's just so unintentional.

It's like, I try so hard to, like, I'm never out like, let me go out there and just do it. I'm never like that. I'm like, let me just do what I want. And then it ends up something about one of my friends dying. I mean, I'm also talking about what's going around in my life. So it's like, yeah. Your life isn't very, uh, is it very clean. You'd be.

Yeah. They'd be weird if you just see Michael in like a bow tie and like a college shirt just be like, anyway, so you guys hear about this new free weather

putting in? Yeah, escalators, what? Stairs and move. What's the point of a stairmaster? What's next? What's next? Just an elevator? Oh, we already have those.

Life is great, fellas. You guys are fucking push. These are just stab. Trying to rip the boat. I hate this. Do you want to know what art is? I'll show you a lot. That's, dude,

honestly, those guys are always just clinging to the edge, I feel like. If you're like a really bundled up clean comic, like, well, that happened with Jim Gaffigan. He started going, he like went off on Twitter. I feel like he's a little bit less clean now. I haven't watched his most reason special.

I don't think that if you're a clean comic, there's always this like, oh, if you're a nice guy, dude, Cosby, rapist. Does Jerry Seinfeld Strike? He was a nice guy. No, he's a fucking asshole from everything I've heard, yeah. Yeah, I've heard that it's like the opposite. Like, the people who are dirty or on stage

are usually nicer in person. Oh, 100%. Yeah. But I think really the biggest thing is like, because we all kind of do, like bar club, bar shows nightclub kind of things. And it's like, people who go to those shows kind of want you to say wild shit. Like, like, sometimes.

Like, I think, they really do not. Which is insane. And I'm yelling cow pussy at a group of people. The best is like the shop, because there will be people like, there's a guy eating a cheesecake in the front row the other night. And I'm just like, cow pussy. And he's like, well, where do you think cheesecake comes from? Sir. But is a, well, I feel like that is one of the things.

There's any sort of environment can sort of sculpt you. like too far one direction or the other. And just being at like the back of nightclubs and bars does do that. For sure. Get too just gross. Yeah, for sure. And like Gaffigan used to be dirty. And then like I feel like you start to kind of like people start to understand who you are.

And you're like, oh, I can kind of like go where I want with my career now. Like I don't feel like I, like, I like bound to this act that I've like used my whole life. Like it would be nice. I don't know. Do you guys ever feel like you want to get to the point where like even like even before you release like an album or anything? where you're like, I just want to like almost ditch everything and like start over. Like just kind of like maybe like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you could just have like a fresh start. Bring out some puppets there. And then bang the puppets in the mouth. Yeah, that'll be an act. That is a fresh start for sure. That'd be new. Just like honestly, I'm just feeling something a little different tonight.

Build a reputation is a clean comic. Sell out clubs around the country. Then randomly in the middle of like Wichita, Kansas at like a laugh like a laughful hut. Just fuck a puppet. Just put a puppet. Full penetration. I would love that. to be like a thing in like a movie.

You know, there's every scene about comedy, like they find their voice. They're always like, you know what? No. I'm not going to do that anymore. Call me Jiz Henson. Yeah.

Oh, man. That's the title. Jiz Henson is definitely the title of this fucking episode. Dude, his son used to live like in my hometown. Like, uh...

Oh, really? Yeah, he had like this kind of like an estate there. By the way, this don't know, the creator of Sesame Street. And the Muppets, more importantly,

dude, big Muppet guy over here. So, why is there not more overlap between Sesame Street and the Muppet? Because they're all Muppets, aren't they? They look exactly the same. Yeah. I thought one was copying either. I didn't know they were about, but they're like separate universes. Yeah, they're separate universes.

It's kind of like, uh, it's kind of a Marvel D.C. situation. Yeah, I think they kind of held out for that moment, like, where they could have, like, their Captain America civil war thing. There are a few movies where, like, they cross over. And then you start to realize that, like, almost all of them have the same. same voice. Oh, yeah.

They're like, how's it going? Yeah, but they do like. Yeah, they're all Frank Us. Yeah, they're all Frank Oz, but they do things where it's like really funny where they run into each other and they're like, ah, and they're like, ah, and they're like, oh, yeah, this is just one guy. This is a, this is a one 80-year-old autistic man. He's an extended conversation with himself.

He used to be out of his fucking mind. Oh, my God. Dude, somebody told me a story. Who the fuck was it? Somebody told me a story where they, uh, slept in Jim Hens's house. house. Dude, that's the one thing I hate about New York. You have a conversation with a thousand people, and you're like, who that was, it was either a homeless guy or it was like my best friend.

Yeah. But somebody, I had a conversation about how they slept. Your homeless best friend. Yeah. They slept in Jim Henson's house. And then, or it was like, maybe like his guest house or like a family house. And he had to like walk through just a room full of puppets. And he says it was the creepiest thing.

Oh, yeah. All the failed puppets. The creepy thing for me is Angelina's parents house, her dad's house. The room I sleep in is full of dolls just staring. at you. Oh my God. Dude, how do you cultivate that? No disrespect to Ange or her parents, but how do you

like start collecting puppets and just being like, this is normal? This is normal thing people do. Or do you hit like a threshold where you're like, I can't go. No, no, those were like American girl dolls. Those are dolls. So age is the creep. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, well, there's just American girl dolls just staring at you. And I would have to like drug myself to go to sleep everything. I'd take like some Xanax, drink.

You were like, this is why. And Angie's like, you also do that every other night. You're like, no matter where we are. My grandma does that with roosters. Like, uh, like, uh, like, Like, she eats them and drinks with porcelain roosters. Like porcelain roosters. My girlfriend's mom does the same thing. With roosters?

I wonder what it is about rooster. I think they're about to snap and kill their husbands. I think so. It seems like it's a step in that natural progression, right? Yeah, for sure. I mean, this same grandma once chased her ex-husband out of the house with a butcher knife. That's so type. Yeah, he was.

That's such an Italian fight. They're not Italian, but they're not Italian, but they are something. Are you not Italian? No, I. Defino? Defino. The thing is, I'm. like more Irish than I am Italian.

The name just translates it. But that was on the side of my family where it's like, there's like Polish and what all the, all the white that just like can't cook for shit. Just cabbage people here. Yeah, just like, I don't know. I think Eastern European food is dope, I think. It's just all like fucking

potatoes and cheese and shit. Let me tell you what, it did not correlate into the household of my girlfriend. No. They can't cook. Would they more of like shooting weird porn on like a mattress in the floor? Yeah, what kind of Poland are we talking about? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. They're kind of like...

It's just the hating Jews and not the good cheesy food. It's just like really not understanding what good culture is. Do you have like an uncle, I picture with like a glass eyeball or something? It tells you about his time in the war. No, this particular side of my family, it's just three women who are, so I have like three aunts. The Italian side of my family.

They all share an eyeball like the sisters from Hercules. Yeah, they can all see each other what's going on. What a throwback That's a great movie Now the Italians of my family Has way more mental illness So it's like so much more fun

You know Like people forget They're like oh it sucks Like because everyone's depressed And like bipolar And wants to kill themselves But it's like yeah But the fucking get together

Are out of this world Supranos is the best show of all time There you go It's so much fun dude Depressed Italians Yeah I keep seeing what's his name from that Stevie Van Zee van Zand

Is that name? Yeah From the history band He, he, what's the East Street band? Is that, that Bruce Springsteen's band? I, I hate Bruce Springsteen. I hate him so bad, damn much. Pretty un-American.

Pretty, I only like, I like, you don't like born or run? Nah, I don't like any of his music. Well, he also not like pussy? Yeah. You, I mean, you're like pissing ladies on the lips. Why would you just say? Everybody knows where you're going with that word. Because I don't need to, dude.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, also, he has his nails painted and stuff, so. Yeah, true. He's dressed like a gay pirate, but he always came around Greenwich Village with the... As opposed to all those straight pirates. I'm just picturing him with just an open silk shirt and it's just making me laugh. Yeah, that's what do you look like, but we still had a mask on. We know who the fuck you look.

That's my favorite part where certain celebrities wear masks. It's like, all right. You shouldn't, you should have worn the fluorescent purple bandana if you don't want to know who you are. We know who you are. It's pretty obvious. You know what I was thinking about the other day? Because like, like, people like old pirate, like, the old pirate lore is like that there used to be like, mermaids and they would like fuck the mermaids

because like they didn't have dude you know there was just like a gay pirate who just covered himself in seaweed and he's just like I'm a lady I can only give blow jobs he does smell like fish close enough

they just like they knew but they just needed like a little they just needed an alibi oh yeah I banged a mermaid you mean that guy who dresses I banged a mermaid Just because he's shade, doesn't mean. Yeah.

And he tucked it back. There's also no way. Dude, they're trapped on a shit. There's no way. Also, how do you see there's a show about that? Our flag means death. It's about like how blackbeards just banging, dude. I mean, how are they not?

They were out there. I think they obviously raped women, too. I mean, it was like, oh, yeah. And there's a part of pirating. Which is the weird part because it's kind of like, everybody's like, oh, you shouldn't dress like that because those people were historically bad. But pirate outfits, those are murderous evil people.

Also, how much pirating was. There were privateers, but I feel like the fucking Robert, the Treasure Island shit wasn't real. There wasn't that much. He was so practical. You can't do anything fun with this guy. Bring up UFOs. He's like, it's just, you know, it's government testing.

Like, come on. Live with me a little bit, Jason. They were pirates. I'm not saying there were none. I'm just asking how many were there. 17. How many guys were there who just like were poor criminals, but they could just afford a boat and a crew?

Like, come on. Yeah, yeah, you're putting some funds together, I guess. But they were, like, was Columbus and them, where they considered? pirates? I mean, they stole land. Yeah. But that's just cool. It's cool. But there were, I feel like weren't there, because I just, I know that Blackbeard

was a guy, but like weren't there, weren't like French people, just, I just watched Master and Commander. Have you seen that movie? No. That movie rules. But they're just like talking about how like, the French government was just like hire a ship and just go fuck up British ships. Just like, just fuck up civilians and like steal oil and shit. So how much a piracy was just that? I mean, that's just

you're watching the show, tell me. They're killing, what are they're killing French people? They're killing English people. All right. Yeah, I mean, it's all about that. There's one guy named Steed who's actually a true guy. Name Steve? Steve, the pirate.

Steve. Are you watching Dodgeball? I'm watching this historical pirate show. Watching fucking Dodgeball. Steve. It's actually really good and pretty funny. Sometimes they get off pirating stuff a little bit, but mostly I like the pirate stuff. Here's my parent.

Aaron. Loving the pirate part of Dodgeball so much. Re-watching the best scenes from Do you look, he's so brave, man. There's just like one scene where you can see a train in the background, and Michael's like, yeah, I really love that scene, too, for some reason. So there's a guy named Steed, who I guess was, like, a wealthy landowner, and then he left and then made friends to Blackbeard.

So he, like, wanted to live the pirate life. So he, like, left his whole family. He was down for the outlaw life. 100%, yeah, which is kind of, dude, leaving everything just being with your boys on the boat. That kind of rules, right? Yeah. That is cool, probably for like 20 days. Yeah, I feel like it's like going to

Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know a lot of people going to that, and I'm like, it's going to be rough. How long is it? It's like two months. It's a month. It's a whole month.

But also, they're not performing. They're just going to like hang? No, they're going to do a play. And it's funny because, like, this is, uh, I think it's like Ryan, it's Ryan O'Toole. What? Ryan's going to do a play at Edinburgh?

He's doing it. It's so funny because, like, he's into, he's into Shakespeare and stuff. Yeah, he's like a very... Fucking Juliet, you dumb bitch! Jesus Christ, Hamlet! Yeah, but, no, it's like, so it's like him, like Joey D. Philippus, who's on with me one time.

I don't know who that is. Oh, yeah, Joe, okay, yeah. The names are funny. Rhino tool, Joey D. Philippus. You'll never see that on a pamphlet for a playbill, ever. No, it's always like, uh, like Jaspur. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something.

But anyway, yeah, they're going for a month, and they're, uh, Like, it's funny because, like, they're, like, one of the girls I know who's in it, like, there's, like, three kissing part. Like, she has, like, she kisses, like, three people in the play. Oh, shit. And they're doing that play every night for a month. I'm like, that's 90 kisses.

Oh, you're doing. Like, that's, I fucking, I haven't even. He does a reactor. He just incorporates, like, a boob grab. He's like, this is what would have. I'm just. I know comics who are going to Edinburgh, or, like, who say they are, but, like, if you're not doing spots,

then you're just like, I don't want to, to fucking watch 30 straight days of that No. From what I've heard. Their ideas, they're like, I'm gonna try to get in. I'm sure there's like some open mic style thing where you can book yourself. I think you can book yourself. Supposedly. Just book a room. Supposedly New Yorkers are a hot commodity there because we're the best.

But I think, so they go and, uh... What if you show up and you're like, wait, so you're from New York, but no one has heard of you. So, yeah. It's also funny because like you're doing a play or whatever for 30 days and they have this venue booked every night.

and it's like, it's not guaranteed that people are going to show up every night. So, like, some nights you might be doing a play for, like, three people. Oh, yeah. Which is, like, way more embarrassing than doing stand-up. Because you can't even, like, break away and be like, this stupid, right? Yeah, this is crazy. What are you guys? Where do you work?

Glad you got out of here to see. Yeah, you just have to still pretend it's Hamlet. Yeah. No, the funny thing is, like, I'm saying all this, but I'm just, like, super jealous. I didn't get asked to be. Yeah, no one asked me to go to It's just like friends of mine I'm like, yeah, no, that's cool

I'll just be in New York stealing your spot Still not getting booked Yeah, totally Just like yeah, 900 comics left New York And I still am not getting booked Like, I don't know, we're just gonna cancel the show I'll bring 20 friends It's not worth it

Yeah, yeah No, I think it would be fun I wanted to try to I was just accidentally pooped on a microphone I was trying to get a microphone part I felt it coming And I was like, no, it was fine. It went from green to brown.

I wanted to go for like a week because I thought it would be fun to like go out. And apparently it's like easy to get on shows. But like then I did my taxes. Oh yeah. I fucked up so bad. Did you lose money? Dude, last year I must not have paid my state taxes somehow.

And now I owe like $1,800 to the state. And I have a full-time job that I'm paying like taxes. New York's crazy. You have to pay like state. city. You have to build it. I always end up New York. It's so crazy. Yeah, it's horrible. So now I'm not going anywhere. Also, I got money back.

I'm in grad school and I got tax credits from the federal government, so I'm getting a refund from the federal government. But then New York was like, yeah. No, you actually, it's like counting my student loans as like income that I owe money on and I don't get tax credits for going to grad school. Man. I hate it, dude. I don't know why

we have to pay so much. And like, I don't know, all those fat cats out there. All the big on Wall Street. That was the funny part. Okay, I'll say that's one part about the new Batman. I thought it was funny that, like, the whole angle is like, they're like, look at all these corrupt police officers, getting extra money. And I was like, okay, well, there's also police officers that like killing it. Like, there's more that Batman could be doing. I'm sure there's like kids in a basement somewhere and he's like, yeah, we're going to get the corruption in the city.

You know what I mean? I don't care if fucking, like, it's shitty. Like, but it was weird in that way. It was like, I don't understand there's a police officer who's like killing people in a basement or like killing innocent black people. But the police officers in that, they're like, oh, they made money off of a. drug deal. I was like, I don't care. Why is he fighting them? I don't think people calculate the outfall of trying to, like, rewrite corruption. Yeah, yeah. It's like, there is a version of corruption that makes the world a better place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, you saw the movie, right? Yeah. I just thought it was funny that, like, two hours into the movie, they're like, the big twist is John Titoro, the mob boss is a bad guy. Yeah. Yeah, it's like,

Why do you think, fucking, yeah. Well, they established it too fast. Like, they were like, they were like, Salvador Moroni killed your parents. He's like, oh, no. It's like, actually, Carmine Falcone and killed your parents. It's like, all right, that was a five-minute difference when you're finding that information.

I will, I fucking, you're such a fucking loser that we're still talking about Batman. Oh, you want to talk about your taxes? That was exciting for everybody. He just managed to bring it back to Batman. Batman is like one of those movies that like, they do such a good job, like, comparatively. It's such a dumb plot, but they do such a good job at it. Exactly. They make, they take some.

that inherently should be a stupid fucking thing. A guy dressed as a fucking bat. And they turn it into like this dark, twisted kind of like, with like really good actors and like great cinematography. Do you think? Do you think? It's like there's no reason they should be doing that. Yeah, yes.

There's no reason. But they just keep doing it. Yeah, yeah. Do you think if you gave Christopher Nolan a screenplay and it's about a man who eats spaghetti through his anus, he could make it a good movie? Oh, for sure, dude. But it already sounds like you do that. But it does it back in time, so it's just him shitting.

Oh, I thought he was shitty, though. He eats the spree. It's like the beginning of memento. You just see it gets... I wasn't always like this. Spaghetti ass. Spike Christopher Nolan. Did you guys see Tenet?

Yeah, I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I watched it four times. Because Inception, you watch it the second time. You're like, oh, it's a dream and a dream or whatever. And then there's a lot of room to, like, kind of play with. But Tenet, it's like, no, you took a lot of liberties here. I didn't say it.

Like, you pretended science was involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, like, towards the end of the world is collapsed. Like, it was like, yeah. The tenant is spelled the same way backwards and forth. And that's all I know about the movie. Yeah, it's one of those words. What is it?

A palindrome. Yeah. Yeah. Never saw it. I like Inception. Ception's type. Fucking, you know what I was a prestige the other night. Good movie.

Dude. That was really good. Magic. Yeah. Magic, bro. That's so. funny that like that was such a magic used to sell out theaters. Oh yeah.

It still does, dude. In like Vegas, but like, dude, I feel, yeah, I feel like clubs around the country, a funny magician does, like, way better than like a really good headliner, like, who isn't famous. Yeah, dude. Take your kids to it, he's going to be like, yeah, get over here. Dude, a joke. It's kind of like he's going to watch you.

And he made a fingering motion. I don't know why. A joke is really just an even gayer magic. It's like, I'm not going to fucking stab anyone, but I'm going to use my word. You didn't see that coming, did you? Just for 45 minutes? The deflection of my setup and punchline.

Also, what thing I liked about, what's it called? It's like, the bad of people that keep dying in the movie, it's like, they're doing the magic trick, and, like, the guy's wife dies, and he's like, all right, I guess I have to start doing magic in America, because my wife drowned doing magic here. And it's like... Yeah.

Also, what the fuck? When... Don't talk about your taxes again, I swear to God. I almost killed myself from you. you guys were doing that. When they asked Christian Bale, he's like, what kind of knot did you tie? And he's like, I don't remember.

Like, that's not the craziest thing in the world. It's like, you know, this happens all the time. You lose the details over a while. It's like, oh, what knot did I tie after that very specific argument about a knot before a woman died? For whatever reason, I can't put my finger on. Do you know how, like, in, like, magic shows they always have, like that? They always have, like, a...

Oh, gosh. you know how they have like a like a hot babe who like assists with the tricks for sure wouldn't it be great if like comedy we could just have like a hot chick like on stage a holiday around just the gayest guy possible just like in abs just like just stretching behind yeah just bending over a dancing around the mic stamp you're not even gay you're just like look at that look at how good of shape this guy yeah yeah yeah believe this fucking guy it's fucking sick right yeah that would be this guy was doing crunches backstage five minutes ago Never stops.

That's a body that won't quit. Just straight guys obsessed in like a straight guy way with gay dudes' bodies. That's because I like went and watched UFC with my friend like a couple weeks ago. And so much of it is just guys being like, man, look at those shoulders. It's got great shoulders that guy. It's almost more a hetero thing to like adore the male body than a gay thing. I don't know about that. It's more a guy thing than a lady thing.

Like ladies would be like, that guy's a nice bod, but guys would be like, that guy's abs are like so crisp and they're symmetrical. How does he get those fucking pier machines? Looks like a cobblown stone street on his stomach over there. Those are my friends, by the way. You blue collar work. My friends who sell hot dogs. What the fuck else? How much fucking time have we done?

That's how you just take air out of them. No, I'm about to wrap it up in a couple minutes. What do you guys want to promote? I just have an Instagram. Patty is funky. Uh, yeah, that's it. Uh, next, uh, half full brewery show in Stanford, Connecticut on May 20th. I don't know who's going to be on it, but we usually get good people.

Uh, and then I'm on a bunch of fucking, uh, bar shows. I don't know. Yeah. Bar shows. The bar shows. The bar shows got to come out. We do shows in a bar, right in the back of the bar. We do shows.

What do we talk about penises? I got nothing left. I was, I don't know. How much, what do you think? What do you think? I was trying to do Aussie again Oh dude you hit it so good The first thing

I can do Kanye pretty well too Do you think you do Ozzie so well Because of your character The mentally disabled British man They used to do Oh yeah What's up with everything Preparing for years

I had a I had a this I used to do characters a lot When I was in middle school But they weren't well thought I was just a retarded British guy for a while And I'd be like All right has everyone's day going

And then like I would just take shit in the locker room And throw it all over the place and be like, found me sook. And I would just do that all lunch. That's good. And you know what? I'm so mad that I can't find a way to bring that to life.

Dude, just doing on stage now. It's like, yeah, it's like being a white comic who tries to use the N word on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just have to carefully craft,

like an entire act around. Yeah, squeezing that in. I think my time has passed for that. For the, I don't think they're... No, you could do it, dude. Yeah, you can just call it the,

like, the deaf British guy. Yeah. That's funny. The funny thing about comedy is you can do anything. You really can. There will be repercussions. There will be repercussions, but you can do anything. I love that's my favorite. That's my favorite, I was like, I wonder when Louis did his N-word bit in comparison to Kramer. And my favorite was finding out he did it afterwards.

Because if you did it before, you're like, oh, Kramer's an idiot. He's trying to mimic something. But it's funny that Louis saw the Kramer bit as like, I'll make this work. I have a feeling though Kramer didn't have like it well written out. Yeah, the problem with Kramer's thing is it came out in a furious rage. Yeah, he was pointing at someone when he's And he kept being like, they always do this. You notice when that beep just wants to shut up

on your front board. This is, Michael will be like, it'll be like 2 a.m. And Michael will be like, should I try this like new bit? I'm like, there's one table of people all talking to each other. So you do whatever you want, Michael.

All right, well, that was the episode. Sweet.