Morning Good - Camp Smoke Rock - Episode 54

Episode Date: December 5, 2021

Thanks to Brandon for joining the show, and TJ for coming back on. Makes sure to follow both of them for upcoming shows and sketches.You can find TJ on Instagram @teejfrancis and Brandon @barbra_88. Brandon also hosts Pure Fruit Comedy with former guest, Adam Christopher. So click on the link for tickets and more info.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. Go, and we are recording. There we go, boys. Nice. Nice. Oh, fuck, that's angled wrong. Are we recording?

All right. All right, we're back. New haircut guy. Fucking trying to record. Yeah, so what did you ask for when you got that haircut? What'd you say? You get the little boy? Were you just like...

Hey, let me get the little boy with the little flip in the front. You just like, make me sexy. That's what I said, yeah, yeah. I had this... Sir, it's impossible. We come up to do that. Why is he, why is he friends? We change your face.

Why is he Asian? No, okay. I've never got my hair cut by an Asian guy, ever in my life. Yeah, they don't do haircuts. No, they do, but they're... They're gay, they're gaugans. I had one in college. Oh, yeah, yeah, they're gaughey.

In Tallahassee, we had one. Yeah. It was Trent. You said we had one. We didn't go to the same guy. You didn't go to Trent? I know, you didn't go to the Gajian in Tallahassee?

No. Dude, you're missing it. Where would you go to Tallahassee barbershop? I would go to, like, the salon. Well, I'd always go to a girl salon because I'm like, make me look like somebody that you would, like, a straight woman is like my, you know what I mean. That's my gauge. Like, what they find attractive is what I would think is good.

Yeah. Yeah. So that's where you got that one? No, no. This was like some like Middle Eastern guys. How long do you let it go? I let it go for a while. Yeah, yeah.

We were just talking about I'm going. It's a new thing I'm going to do. How long are you going? For till fucking God tells me to not. God tells you to stop. TJ's just letting himself go. Yeah. I'm just going to let myself go.

Except I'm going to get ripped. But yeah. You're going to get ripped? Oh, yeah. Oh, you're fucking now. Watch me, boys. I don't know how I feel about ripped comics. Um.

Yeah, you kind of got to look like just regular, I feel like. A regular body is nice. He is gay. It's completely different. Yeah. Every rule is different for gay people. Like, you could pose shirtless Instagram pictures of you're gay. Everybody's like, yeah, he's gay, he's doing, you know what I mean?

He's trying to get some dick, yeah. But like when a straight guy does. Why can't you get pussy with the shirtless pick? You do. You do. You do. We don't. Yeah.

Because we don't do that. But some people do, some girls love that stuff. No way. No, they do. They do. They do. They do. It's like guilty pleasures for them.

They act like on the service. They're like, oh, no, I would never hook up with that guy. But then you see that guy walk out of their room. I live with two girls in college. I know what it's all about. It's about abs. Do you know, girls talk so much shit. They'll be like, oh, that guy would never.

And then literally that guy will be in your house. And they'll bang him. That is funny that, like, girls could do the equivalent of that, which is just, like, post their ass and we're like, fuck yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're doing that. Yeah, but that's the thing. It's like, yeah, you post a shirtless pick.

Like, it's not for the guys. Well, I kind of, all the, every pick I post on Instagram is for the boys. Yeah, but you're not, you're not posting a shirtless pick and like,

you're not, you're not really thinking about, like, the scrutiny, you know you're going to get scrutinized by guys. Well, there's the trick.

There's a, the trick is you get a group of your guy friends at the beach and you grab some beers so it looks like you're doing something else. I know a lot of guys

don't do that. They're like, yeah, man, it's just a, it would be really funny if you posted a shirtless picture. Dude. Yeah,

You should do it. With that new haircut? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think you would distract from my tummy. Like you flexing? I hate the word tummy. It sounds weird.

I feel like I'm getting molested when I say it. Childish word. Yeah. Childish words for a childish word. Why is my hair cut childish? It just looks like you went to kid cuts. Yeah. You're like sitting in a fire truck seat.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then the hairs got in the lollipop. And they're like, no, you have to keep with the lollipop. I'm like still.

Keep lollip. No, but it's like you. that's not a style. That's just like a, yeah, just give me a trim. Yeah, like you said, get, like, you pointed out the picture, you're like number two. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, I see last summer.

Actually, to be honest, I filmed the sketch to somebody, and I was trying to get my hair to look exactly how it wasn't that. So I showed the person, because we have to do reshoots of it. So I showed the guy pictures of the sketch. And I'm like, can I look like this, like how I looked before? But he didn't do it at all. Yeah, because I feel like if they look at that picture, it's like, they're like, yeah, yeah, I got you.

But they don't really know. No. You're just showing them like, hey, this is what I used to look like. They're like, that's great. Put on weight. Yeah. Why are you fat? That guy's funny, though, because he keeps telling me, he told me I'm handsome, like probably

10 times. Both times I've gone. It's like, you're so handsome. Really? Yeah, that's kind of weird. It'd be super funny to test this theory to see if, like, barbers look at that picture and, like, they actually try and get you to look how you used to. Oh, yeah.

And I'm in there with, like, a black guy. Yeah. I used to look like this. And then, like, give you black face instead of... Yeah. He's just taking out shoe polish. He's putting it out your face. Michael, you look different.

I got a haircut. That's what Evan. Yeah. That's what Justin Trudeau was doing. They put a charcoal mask on. He just don't take it off. Yeah, he's like, never take this off ever until I want to come back. That's great.

Yeah, it was, I don't know, those places are, I like the places that, like, at least try to be cool over the top. They're like, we're a barbershop, but we also give you a beer while you get your haircut. Somebody, somebody was talking about that. Like they don't want the person being hammered while they cut your hair. Oh yeah, that's a mess. Yeah, yeah. Because, I mean, how would you not have a beer here? I don't know.

I'm one of those people that's like if it's, I'm not saying if it's there, I drink. But like, if you're in an environment where everybody's drinking, it's so easy to just be like, yeah, come on. It's just one. Yeah. I'm in, like, a type of haircut guy to, like, get the haircut done first thing in the morning. That's what I did today. I'm not like a big day haircut. Yeah, no, no, that's a mess.

Dude, uh, haircuts, like, like, trust me, it's so long. I start sweating in that. chair. Do you guys feel that? No. I get so like, I think that's a fat thing. Yeah. So you don't get, you don't sweat, Michael, dude. Not in the chair when I'm getting my haircut. I do. I start sweating a lot. It's like, so, I don't know.

I thought that, I thought that would be relatable. You think everybody's just looking at you, dude? Like, it's your time. No, I just thought people would be like, oh, dude, I sweat too. And I'd be like, let's talk about it for the next five minutes. Do you ever get a haircut and you see a guy next to get a haircut? And he just got a way better haircut than you. It's kind of annoying because you're like, we had the same hair walking in and then you gave this guy way better. It's different for me because they make me take my glasses off. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, so I can't see. The whole time, I'm like this, and, like, I literally become Ray Charles. Yeah. Except, you know, I'm not good at the piano. Yeah, yeah. That's the only difference. That's the only difference. Doing heroin and everything.

No, I'm sitting there like this, and the guy's like, he's like in the mirror, like, so what do you think about this? And I'm like, yeah, man, I'm sure it looks great. Yeah, yeah, there's a. sure you're doing a great job. Yeah. Yeah, that's a tough part to you. I don't know. I, uh...

Yeah. True. I felt that. Hard stop. How long do you usually go before you get a haircut? Really long time. Like, if you're keeping it that style, though. Yeah, yeah.

Like every two weeks? No. No, no, no, no. His hair was long. Yeah, my hair was long, yeah. I saw him last night. I saw you last night. Can't have that.

Somebody else? Did you guys see the, did you guys see the Demi Lovato documentary? It was the greatest thing I've ever seen on television. I think I was telling you about it. Can Brock? Can't Rock. in an undocumented. I saw Camp Rock.

Yeah, I've seen Cam Brock. I saw her before her heroin days. Yeah. I like to remember the good old Emmy days. Yeah. I like her after the heroin more.

I don't know. Really? Because she just said that calling aliens aliens is offensive. Yeah. Dude, I'll call them whatever the fuck they want to be called. Like, I'm on their side.

Whatever, when they come, I will bow down to them. If they want to be called anything, I'll call them anything. You should take that view with trans people. And I should... I do.

I do call the way. But only in fear they'll take over. Just like aliens. That's the only reason. I don't respect them at all. I'm very scared that they're going to take over at Broba. I just want Demi Lovato to shut up. I want her to go back to doing heroin.

I don't even care. That's what she's shut up. I don't even care. Like, I don't care at all about, like, what she's saying. Like, I'm not, like, angered by it. I'm just like, can you just shut up? See, my thing is, I love it. The documentary, if you watch it, is the greatest thing.

I'm just going to, I'm going to recap it. is it, yeah. So the documentary starts, and it's definitely... With a needle. She gets dropped off at Sleepaway Campo. It's not Camp Rock. With her guitar. Little St. James Island.

Is that what happened at Camp Rock? Did something... Did she have an incident in Camp Rock? Is Little St. James. Yeah. Really? No, but it would be funny if it was. I don't think so.

It's Parish Island. It's Paris Island. Disney show just with, you know, chilling out there. You think kids getting molested is funny? It's a joke to you. All right. I just get it. No, dude.

I'm bled. I know, I know. Real Demi Lovato documentary takes place at Camp Rock. And the Jonas Brothers. Um. Did they sing out. They rock song, everything. Yeah.

So they, uh, I gotta stop heroin. Camp Smoke Rock more like. Yeah. Yeah. Now we're talking. Yeah. Okay.

So, I didn't mean to cut off your riff, by the way, too. dude. This podcast just fucking speak your mind. Say what you want about trans people, dude. We're right here what you said.

I have no opinions. Really? I support them. You don't have me. Top five things you love their life. Top five things you love about them. Starting now.

David Letterman, top ten. Go ahead. Boobes. They have great boobs. Literally the best. Literally the best hits in the world are on trans women. That is a factual. You can't cheap out on being a trans woman. No, no, no.

That's funny that there's, like, different levels. No, you can't cheap out. Being trends is expensive. Yeah. It's like golf. Yeah, Tjian. That's what I was thinking. Yeah.

I was like, you remind me a lot of golf. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, buying a new club. Buying a new club is like getting a new body partner. It's just as expensive. Got the new Tittalist. That's what they call it.

You definitely. That's a golf reference. That's a golf reference, folks. Yeah, come on. Oh, I wouldn't get it. Ping. Penis sing. The trans is just taken over.

We can't even have golf. anymore. All right. What's this, what's this Demi Lovato documentary? All right. All right.

So the documentary, you, it's one of the funniest because it starts out with her like, she's like, I've always been curious about aliens.

She's like, I actually saw a UFO in Joshua Tree. And then she's doing a podcast with Keshe and she's like, actually, I think I may have been abducted.

I don't know if it was a dream. She's like, I think I may have been abducted. And then she goes to this woman who is basically, raped by aliens like 24 times and then her mouth she's like smiling the whole time she's like that's so cool she's listening to the story and she's like actually i had cysts on my ovary when i was a kid

to maybe the same thing happened to me and so she's like the woman it's so funny because the woman who's like basically she's just like european woman she's like yes i've had the 24 babies with the aliens they come into my house and they've had sex with me or they're like impregnated her while she's asleep. And she pulls out all these paintings. And they're like, they're like,

she's like, these are all my baby children with the aliens, their hybrids. And they're like, imagine just a painting of an alien, but with like hair drawn on it. That's the funniest thing

about like Michael Good hair? No, like, it's like Michael Sarah. Literally one of them has like curly hair. The other one's a girl. It just has like, just imagine like a nice drawing of an alien

but then the hair just like, you know when you scribble hair as a kid? Like woman's hair, you just draw straight lines. It's just like that. And Debbie thought I was looking at the picture. She's like, like, oh my God.

She's like, that's crazy. She's, like, looking at them and they try not out to offend her. She goes, oh, my God, they're adorable. She probably thinks they are, right? She probably, like, legitimately is like, this is real. The woman is just completely insane. I have to. Both.

Well, I mean, he's not a woman. But in the documentary, she's not a binary. But in the documentary, she's a woman. You're a really fucked up. Yeah, she is. You're going to get canceled. You're going to get canceled. Yeah.

This apartment building is going to stage a walkout. Michael could stop. She's my podcast. Well, no, the documentary is the very beginning. They're like, back then, Demi Lovato was a she. So, so that's why I'm calling her she. Because this part of the documentary,

she's a she, she's not a day yet. So they call her a woman. They say, Demi Lovato, this. So it's, yeah. And I think she should get rid of this documentary. Yeah, honestly. They should get rid of the documentary. You should work at Netflix.

That's great. Dude, because, like, why would you put out a documentary as something that you aren't? aren't anymore. Yeah. Like if I... Imagine like a documentary right now about Bruce Jenner.

Right. It wouldn't work. It sounds disgusting. I want to throw up just thinking about it. Yeah. That's... He didn't exist. Yeah.

No. He was always Caitlin. Technically. I was always Kately. I was always. Who's Bruce? Keep from Mexicans away. I love her just being like super conservative.

I was always Kaylan. I always wanted to murder someone in my G-Wagon. Wait, doesn't she not like believe in gay marriage? She's like, no way those queers aren't getting married. None on my watch. I'm a woman. I fuck dudes. I've never been a dude ever.

I don't think she... I don't think she bangs dudes, though. Oh, yeah, she's a lesbian, yeah, yeah, yeah. But she doesn't believe in gay marriage? No, she doesn't, actually. She, like, I just want to fuck these bitches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I am...

All right, I kind of respect the shit out of it. He's like, I have a woman, right? I just want to fuck bitches still. Yeah. He's like, make no mistake. I'm fucking these bitches That makes sense He got rid of the dick, right?

She got rid of the dick? I don't know Very vague about it She's like very vague guy But she was so annoying too Because like did you see her get roasted At the roast battle Or at whatever

Yeah yeah She was such a douche about it She gets on there And she's like I'm brave enough to be You know, ridiculed In front of these people And apparently she told all the comedians

Like nine things they can't joke about She's like if anybody jokes about me Hitting that woman Then I'm walking right off the stage And I'm not doing this Oh she said that Yeah yeah I mean that makes sense

why would you want? Yeah, but it's a roast. Don't be a fucking pussy. But like with her, she probably feels so bad. I don't know. That's why I would have loved it for the day as had Norm McDonald on it because he totally would have brought it.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You did it. You said a million things. I watched Jeff Ross. I watched Jeff Ross work out those jokes. They were fucking great. They're great.

He was like, what do you say? It was the Alec Baldwin Rose. He was like, Alec Baldwin was nominated for his, for his role in the Departed, which is what Caitlin Jenner has named her penis. Oh, yeah.

Alex Baldwin was also nominated for an Oscar in the movie The Cooler, which is where Caitlin Jenner keeps. That's great. That's pretty funny. It's good stuff there, Jeff. Hey, Jeff, if you're watching this, I was fire. Jeff, you got her good. But Dave Chappelle, no.

No, bad. Bad, never. What do you think of the special? Honestly. I watched it and... I thought it was horrible. Same. You saw the commercial for the sequel, right?

It's just him beating up a trans woman. You got to listen to the jokes. No, I thought it was like, I thought my thing is like, I think you can make way more offensive jokes that are fun. But a lot of it wasn't jokes. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. It was weird. It was very Ninnett just for Dave Chappelle.

Yeah. I think that's just what he's becoming, though. Yeah, yeah, he's becoming. I didn't like it that much. He doesn't need to do jokes the whole time. Yeah, but it's like. Yeah, I know, but it's like he's gone past that. Bro.

He's past it, bro. He's beyond stand-up now. I don't think it's... But that's why I like somebody like Louis so much better because he's still just hilarious. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And it's just jokes.

Yeah, yeah, it's true. I think Dave Chappelle, like, focus more on his podcast, like me. He should do what I'm doing. This is how you get ahead. What? First off, he needs... That's not what I do. That's what you said.

First off, he needs a nice... He needs a nice haircut, first off. Yeah. Yeah, he does. I never see Dave Chappelle's hair once. He needs to go into the Middle East or Mavours. I'll get the number two. Yeah.

Dave, you already have haircut. Your face is black. every black cat they're just like what you mean you already have hair cut yeah I don't know I don't really care yeah I don't really care I don't think he was that

like for asking geez I think if he made more jokes in it I don't know I'm not gonna critique especially I don't really care I think he could he is one of the greatest stand comedians of all the time so if he wanted to make just jokes for an hour he could yeah and I just would like to have seen that

yes I agree with that terrific take thank you 10 out of that thank you I appreciate that Did you go to college, T.J.? I did. Where'd you go? William and Mary.

That's a good school, right? I hated it. Yeah. What'd you hate about it? Just the people. Yeah? Yeah. I played baseball. I wouldn't have gone to end with it.

I got a 2.3 in college. Oh, shit. Yeah. You know what that means? I'm not going to say it. That word we can't say anymore. He's retarded. Whoa!

That was pretty fucked up, dude. I wasn't going to say that, dude. Cut. I'm not going to go to the ads. No, I don't, yeah, I'm retarded. Yeah. Pretty, uh, pretty, pretty not smart guy. How do you get a 2.3?

Honestly, that's a, that's a D. I hope you were drinking the whole time. Oh, yeah, that I was drinking a lot. Uh, I did go through a religious face, but I was drinking a lot. Oh, yeah, yeah, did you say, did you say the baseball team was like very much like, it was cool to be religious? I like a lot of the kids in the, the baseball team I got along with well, but like the cooler kids, they were religious.

So there was a time, like, early on in college where I was like, oh, I want to hang out with the senior baseball guys who are good and cool, I'll do that. And then I started going to Bible study. Pussy. Dude, come on. Don't disrespect God. Even God's like, you fucking bitch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why are you so into me? No, I didn't. No, yeah. But then, but then they were, because they were like, yeah, you can't drink, you can't have, you know, sex, you can't curse.

Wait, the cool guys in the baseball team were saying all this stuff? No, that was like the rules of what we were doing. Oh, okay. And, yeah. And then eventually one day I was just like, wait, I like having fun.

Yeah, yeah. My girlfriend had a group at her high school called the God Squad, which is hilarious. They were like religious jocks just going around. Like, hey, heard you had sex before marriage, you fucking loser. Holy shit. Dude, but it was funny, before baseball, before the games, we used to, like, have a prayer group.

And then there were a few kids who were like, this is retarded. Let's not do this. So they had a nature group. Like, we had a prayer group before the game, and they had, like, a nature group. They were making fun of that. Like, they were being, like, thank, let's just, you know, talk to the grass.

Hopefully we have a good game if the grass allows us to, like, shit. Like that's making fun of it. Dude, you played for this team? Yeah. That is insane. I would have quit. I did. I would have been like, you guys are all fucking nuts.

No, I, I mean, just in case anybody, but I loved everybody on the baseball team. Even the, I just, at one point, I was like, I'm not. I don't really like. Even the trans players? We didn't have any. I told the coach. Wow, that's pretty fucked up team. I told the coach, but the coach was like, it's not in God.

God's plan. It's not God's plan. Everybody was created in God's very own image and likeness, except for those people. So, yeah. We, uh, yeah, I was really... You guys went to the same school, right? For college, yeah, yeah, yeah. For high school, I went to Catholic school.

Yeah, and we were sluts. So are we in high school. I wanted to be a slut. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was a virgin till prom. Really? Yeah, no one wanted to hook up with me. I don't know what was. Well, you had Axe body spray.

I also had big time acne. Did you? Yeah, I was bad acting. Dude, your face looks, you don't have any holes in it. You know how, like, people have, like, permanent acne? My mom would have beat my ass if I touched. Do you take acutin? Oh, if you had holes in your face?

Well, no, no, no. She was like, growing up, she was like, do not touch those. Pock marks? Aren't they called Pockmarks? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, you can get some craters. Pocene marks? BOSC.

I went on, dude, dude, dude, you did take acutateeat. Yeah, I did. Did you have fucking chapped ass lips? Dude, I looked, it looked like somebody came on me, and I was like, I'm going to leave this. I'm gonna leave this It's actually It's pretty sick Dude the acutane

When you take acutane The out Like the end of it You look great But while you're on acutane It sucks You look like an alien You look like disgusting

You look like a fetus My lips still get chapped A lot because of the acutane Yesterday must have been brutal No it's at the beginning of like The changing of weather Like I need a lot of chapstick Birtsby's

Well the problem with chapsing is you start putting it on And then your lips get like a dick You know that's the thing where your lips get addicted to it And they get more chapped if you don't have it. That's what I think about, like, this is a dumb thought. I told that to somebody one time they were like, you're an idiot.

Why would that be a thing? I'm like, no, I heard that once in health class. Yeah, more you use chapsic more. That's what I think about a lot of shit. The more lubricant you put in your... Like shampoo. I feel like if we just never use shampoo, we wouldn't need it. I don't know, because then I see those, like, homeless people.

I'm like, they need shampoo. Pretty bad. That's a good rebuttal. Everyone's argument for no shampoo is that, like, your hair needs to generate natural oils. I'm like, I look like a grease ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah, if you don't. I don't use any.

Yeah. I can go like a week without using shampoo. Yeah. Which is fine. I also never shower. Really? I'm kidding. Do you imagine if I came on here to talk about why?

I barely wash my hands. I barely wash my hands after taking a shit, but like not anything else really. Dude, people don't. I do. I wash my hands. I wash my hands. Pretty much everything. When I touch the pear, like doors.

Oh, gross. I wash my hands. Yeah. Well, urine is sterile. So you can pee on your hands and knock anybody sick from like, like, it actually is clean. Yeah. And in your mouth. It's not the piss.

I don't want your pee on my hands. It's the doorknop that I don't want to touch. Yeah. And when I touch, I open the door first, then wash my hands because I don't want to touch it. I don't want your pee on my hands

and I don't want my own pee on my hands. Yeah, I could be on your hands. Come on, dude. Yo, I used to pee on my hands. Swear to God. For what? Is that like a baseball thing?

It is a baseball thing? It is. It is hardens your hands. No, it does. I swear to God. No, it does. You are the weirdest fucking tea. That's not a thing.

No, I swear to God. Jorge Posada used to do it because he didn't wear batting gloves. I think one of these older boys was like, God wants me to pee on your hand. Paulet Pasada had a fetish, okay? Dude, no. Your coach is like, it only helps

somebody else's peace on your hand. I used to pee on my hands on purpose in the shower. I would just go, like, hold it there and piss. Get one hand, switch it over. Stop. Get the other. What is, what?

The only thing I can This is going to be a clip. The only thing I can relate that to is I had a buddy who I played hockey with who peed his equipment every time. Well, that seems like a problem. Like, he didn't mean to do that. He peed on the ice.

He peed his equipment on the ice. Because it would relax his muscles, I think. I think it's like a muscle relax. Yeah, no, I was just trying to harden up my hands. So I would get blisters. It hardens up your hands. At least that's what I was told. Because it's just caked in urine?

I don't know, dude. It's fucking disgusting. Yeah, what do you mean? No, the only thing I know that urine is beneficial for is when you pee on a jellyfish sting. Yes, and fires. You can pee on fires? That's a call back to another podcast I did.

Who the fuck would have gotten there? Who's following? Who's listening to both? Yeah, if you're following T.J. Ferrantz is on podcast. Eli Hava will get it and Jason David. They're not listening to this either. They're like at home watching this clip going,

Ah, T. Oh yeah, pissing on fires. Dude, that was great. Wait, so in the shower, you pee on your hands and you wouldn't dry it off? Yeah, I don't still do this. Okay, I don't care. The fact you did it is what I'm questioning you for.

Oh, yeah, I did it for a good, like, probably three years. they don't brag about not doing it anymore that's like being like I used to jerk this guy off behind a movie theater every day in my life and then be like so I wouldn't get beat up I don't do it anymore I used to drink up I wouldn't get up

now you guys are starting to get it okay so you pee in your hands and it gets dry or you do what you're in the shower and you just like you just let it drip off wait wait wait you like a leaky faucet so you don't even do it you don't even you don't even piss fully into your hand you like you grab a cup full you taste it

make sure it's okay and then you just piss now you're no no no you're joking out but no but the original part I did joke in my head I'm not even like ashamed of that for three years you should be for three years you peed in your own hands yes once in a while

once in a while are you like in the shower like I kind of miss that feeling like for no reason just in case somebody invites me to go play ball if I start playing a lot of golf I'll probably reintroduce it you get the blisters so you get the best script on your hands

is that what happens Do we can you Do you have the ability to look anything up right now? Because I kind of want to prove to you that people do this. Yes, there's a phone right there. Whoever's phone that is, we'll look it up. No, no, I believe you. Just look up men peeing in men's hands for balls.

I look at all the time. Yeah. Google just comes back with what kind of porn are you looking for about? No, we do it on Michael Goods thing. He's like, is this TJ? Yeah. Yeah, no, it's a thing. It hardened your hands.

So when you swing a lot, you fucking get a lot of blisters. That's why I have a lot of shit on my hands. Like, this isn't that bad. but it used to be like, dude, you used to just like pick these things all the time. Oh, callous. Yeah. Calis. And it helps with calis.

That's why I did it. Why do we get... Okay, I thought you're saying it leaves... I thought you're saying it was like a grip thing. No. I thought dry... I thought you just had layers of dry piss on your hands. They were just helping you like catch the ball, a grip the bat better.

No, no, no, no. I thought would work better for that. It helps with calluses. That's why people would do it. And I didn't wear batting gloves. So, why didn't you wear batting gloves? I thought it looked cooler and I was right. Really?

Mm-hmm. I think gloves look sick. Some people do. Some people, I'm like, that guy's fucking old school. I can see your coach's being just a nut job.

He's like, smear shit in your eyes. It'll make you see better. Everyone showing up with pink eyes. Come in your ear holes. It'll make you, you'll be able to hear better. Ever showed up with pink eye and gout?

Yeah. God told us to do all of that. Sick, dude. We used to do it. Dude, in the showers, we used to shower. I told Jason David this once,

and he loved it. We used to, the showers were like, it was like a square, basically with one side, open so we're all just facing each other. Shower time was the best. Oh, yeah.

Just looking at each other's penises, pissing on each of his hands. It was great. I'd be like, Mike, get me. You'd pee on you? No, he didn't bathe on hands. But it was fun, shower time. I like how you're laughing. Like, this is bringing back so many memories.

I love, dude. Oh, my God, I miss these guys. There was a wrestling team by us that hazed so hard, they tied some kid up and peed on him or something like that. And they had a lot of callous. Yeah, that's what it was. No, that is too much. Yeah, yeah.

There was like a weird, I don't know. that's a weird level of hazing Hazing isn't bad I like hazing Some shit is weird though Like I knew a dude who had to eat a burger With like dip Like a full can of dip on the burger

Like that's disgusting You're gonna die That's disgusting No stuff that's like detrimental Or like it risks your life That's not fun hazing to me Like people Like the burger thing is crazy

That's crazy But like something that's cool hazing Is like acceptable Get a drop to the middle of woods With like a compass But like for example Somebody was like So like that

You know the show Ed and Eddie? Yeah. You know the show Ed and Eddie? Yeah. My friend, he was like the plank pledge or whatever. So he had to carry like that plank from Ed and Eddie. Like a made up one throughout like any time he was on campus. The actual movie quality one?

Yeah. It was the actual cartoon. Yeah. It was an NFT. Yeah. He had to hold it. No, it was just like he had to hold a plank of wood. And if he got caught on campus without it, he would have to suck a guy's dick or something.

Yeah. Yeah. Traditional stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder when it, when do you think the. cutoff is where you can start talking about what you did is. I guess if your fraternity chapter gets kicked off campus.

Yeah, then you could just say whatever. Were you both in Frats? Yeah, at the same school, yeah. Oh, same fratts? His was a lot more successful than mine. Oh, nice. But, yeah. Wait, where did you graduate?

No. Pike? Yeah. That's what's up. What year did you graduate? 2018. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. What did you, where were you in?

I was in Sig, which they sucked when I started. Now they're like top dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. which I saw that coming. That's why I was like It was only a matter of time Like those houses were on the come up Yeah but it was one of those where I was like

It was so funny because our first year They're like you guys are gonna see the new house And then like we never saw the new house Yeah yeah yeah The only cool thing about frats Are that you have a chef There's a million There's a million cool things

You do lots of drugs What are you talking about? I hate the idea of frats You don't like the idea of a big party Where there's a lot of hot girls there I like the idea of going to it But not being in one And be like this is ours

I don't like that now You don't have to be that guy. Yeah. Okay, but when in my head I think of a frat guy, I think of the dude who's like, I fucking rep this until I die. Yeah, because you saw a movie. Some people do. Do you see black people in movies? And you're like, this is what it is for all of them. No, I...

We don't like being judged the same way. Okay, we've been mistreated by society. The same argument could be made for somebody who, like, misses high school a lot. You know what I mean? Like, whoever was the man in high school? See, I didn't care about ice school. I was fucking cool. I was always playing hockey anyway, so I was gone on all. All my friends didn't even go to my school. I was really worried about the school shooters because I'm like, I'm

popular as shit. I am number one on the list. Yes. That wasn't even a thing really back then. Yeah, it was. School shootings? Not really. It's always been a thing. It's the 90s. No, but it's been kicking up. They've been doing real good recently. Yeah, yeah, but there still was stuff going on here and there. Yeah, I guess we didn't really worry about it as much. We were more worried about like an outside person coming in and doing it. Yeah. I don't know. I never once thought about a school shooter in high school, I don't think. Really? I think we had, we had, you know, you didn't have drills. I went to all boy school.

We had like a bomb threat at us. It was so funny. This guy, like, messaged some kid at our high he goes, I'm going to bomb your school. He goes, okay, lull. And they're like, God, it's like, we had to leave campus. My uncle, my uncle married. Or no, he didn't marry. He was dating this lady who had a son who went to middle school with me. At the time, he was like, so what do you think about Richie? And I was, oh, Richie's cool. Nice guy, whatever. And then, like, a few months later, Richie put in a bomb threat to Best Buy. Oh, my God. That's a weirdly specific place to do it. He put in a bomb thread to Best Buy, and I saw my Uncle Joe, and I'm like, what do you think of Richie? What do we think of Richie now?

Why Best Buy? Dude, I don't know. The kid went fucking crazy. That's weirdly specific, yeah. I mean, that's probably the most amount of, like, valuables in the story. I remember seeing the story on the news. Not like a... What's up?

I remember seeing the story on the news, and I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. Richie. Richie, come on, man. Best Buy. Do sharper image, if anything. Dude, sharper image. I like a sharper image went from, like, the best of the best. in like technology to now being sold at Walgreens.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Stuff at Walgreens. Dude, yeah, that used to be the shit like the airport. Yeah. Sharper Image stores,

those are the best. Yeah. The chairs were the best. That's why Sharper Image stayed in service because, like, dads would go and they'd be like, just sit in the fucking chair. I used to get the razor scooters from there.

Oh, those were cool. Yeah. Not the electric ones, the ones you just, the original, like, push. Did you ever do tricks on those? No, I would hit my shin and it was over. Dude, you hurt.

So fucking bad. You would hit your shin and it with a scooter. it's a different kind of hurt. Yeah. That shit sucks. I saw a scooter gang the other day. There was like fucking 10 of them on McDougar. Not, sorry, not 10, probably like 30 on McDougal just coming down.

Electric? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They don't really have those here. That's not. Like birds and limes. They're not a thing.

No, but people get their own. They'll have their own electric scooter. Like David Hazute. You understand? Yeah. You understand. He was where the last year I saw before COVID. He was doing like a mic with like gloves on and a mask.

David Azoot? I probably did like the last month. mics of before COVID. I was probably the last one doing comedy. I was definitely one of the first people in America to do comedy after COVID. Because in Florida it opened up and I probably, I think it was like May 10th was my first show.

I did comedy. My first spot ever at Zanies in Nashville was the night COVID like hit. That's when everything changed. Yeah. Yeah. I really did the show afterwards like was feeling good because I was like oh my God, it was so great. And then hopped on a Greyhound bus to go

to Chicago for St. Paddy's Day. My mom called me. She goes, you better put on that mask I gave you. Oh, shit. I did the whole next week. That sounds like a superhero thing. She's like, put on the mask. Put on the mask. Except I'm in a Greyhound bus next to a homeless guy. I went out that week. I was so far. I did a bunch of ketamine on, I think it was St. Patrick's Day. And I remember

I had a conversation with Dan? He goes, yo, anybody going out this weekend is responsible for thousands of lives. And I was like, yeah, totally, bro. And I just went out. Was he serious? He was, dude, he was so serious at the beginning of COVID. Really? No way. Yeah, yeah. I want to kick his ass now. Yeah, yeah. He was like, dude,

whoever goes out this weekend, they're responsible for doubt. And I remember, I like, like, my dog died at the beginning of the day. I had ketamine and we went to like a St. Patrick's Day thing. Oh, you were reckless. You were about to pee on your hands and have a day. Dude. That's a good ass day. Yeah. That's a good day.

You can't get worse now. I was quarantining my brain from reality. It was a great time. It was just piss on my hands every time I get drunk. time I get nervous, I just pee on myself What's he doing? Just let him Let him do it. He's doing this thing. It was so funny because I was like, okay, I guess this is serious now.

It took one day for it would be like, I guess this is serious. When the NBA was canceled, I was like, oh, it's pretty serious. Yeah, that's what most people were like, it's a big deal. I literally was in Chicago for the next four days. They shut down this Chicago St. Paddy's Day parade. So we could do that. The river was green. I think the river was green.

But they didn't do the parade. And then all the bars didn't know what to do is they're like, we're staying open. So we all went out and partied like while the world was shutting down. And then I went back to L.A. And that day, all the grocery stores were, like, flooded with people. Everything was Taga. The only thing left on the shelves was filet

filet mignon. Filet Madonna. Filet Madonna. Flee mignon medallions. Rapped in bacon. That was it. And then hot dogs. So we just made hot dogs. Flee mignon. Where were you living in the time? In L.A. Oh, okay. Yeah. We made, like, Coney Island dogs. A lot of

Coney Island. We ate hot dogs. What's a Coney Island pizza. It's like onions, chili. That's not pretty good. Yeah, onions and chili on a dog. My favorite thing is, do you buy, like, a board game? I bought, like, a board game. I'm like, this will get me through a cook. Because I thought it was going to be like a weekend thing. And I was like, yeah. Yeah, we bought like a couple board games.

Like, we should be fine. And then eventually we're like, we got to go to fucking Florida where it's way better. Yeah. My mom sent us sorry and monopoly. Yeah, yeah. And it was like, but it was so funny the adjustment going from New York, where it was like real strict. And then went down to Florida where nobody gave a fuck. It really was like that? Like, nobody cared.

Yeah, no one gave a shit. No. They stopped for like a month Yeah, there was a month Lockdown and then everything opened And I remember it was one of those two With like the first week bars open I was like yeah I'm not gonna go to bars

The first week they opened And my buddy's like you wanna go to a bar I'm like yeah, fuck yeah Let's fucking do it dude I was waiting for sure Well I came back to Chicago and had COVID Like before you could even get the test Like you had to be Tom Hanks

Yeah remember that part of it? They were like oh you want the test Be Tom Hanks Yeah you got to be Tom Hanks Show me your license Is you Tom Hanks Are you Woody and Toy Story Oh, then no.

Are you in big? No? All right. Yeah. No, yeah. So I just had to like die. I was like dying for like two weeks. And then I was fine.

And then I also, oh, I lived in a studio apartment with two buddies. Yeah, that's horrific. But that was the best because it was like you couldn't go anywhere. So it was like, oh, I just had my friends all time. Oh, at least you have, yeah, living, I love my girlfriend. But that gets tough. Like the relationship with COVID because you're like, I'm just hanging out with this same person. But then when my girlfriend's roommate's friends was there and he just had like a fat, I don't

do coke anymore, but he just had like a bag of Coke. And he's just blowing down lines during COVID. And he's like, this is a party. And I'm like, you're the only one doing coke. I mean, that looks fun. But. And I remember we got like fucking a racquetball. And we played like three rounds.

Then we're like, this is horrible. Like you try one thing to entertain yourself. And you're like, this is going to be. I bought so much fucking alcohol, though, because I got alcohol. Oh my God. I gained so much weight. Yeah. Because it was just going.

I was waking up buying white claws. And then I bought a PS4 because I had more money than I have ever had in my entire life at one time because of unemployment. Yeah. played MLB the show, thought I was on the Cubs for at least. I'd wake up, play like for an hour. The whole story for the day,

be like, dude, I got traded, bro. I'm on the fucking Mets now. I'm on the fucking Mets now, bro. I got to fucking bring the National League back. Pissed on your hands. Keep those hands nice and clean. Yeah, dude, I was peeing on my hands a lot. You get a lot of cows playing it. So it was like our,

it was two weeks into COVID that I was like, we got to go to fucking Florida. And then me and my and my, my girlfriend got a fucking hotel on the beach so fucking cheap. We're literally just on Daytona beach. There's nobody at the beach. So we're on abandoned beach and we just got fucking hammered all day, watch Tiger King.

That was a huge thing. Oh my God. I remember throwing up all in the ocean and just I was like, I threw up so hard in the waves. That's just coming back. Dude, that's not as bad as real quick. I would get back to this, but I fucking meet my girlfriend at an anniversary to the other night and we had Italian food. And I got kind of drunk and I threw up

but I was so hunched over that it went in my nose. I had a meatball, like chewed up meatball lodged in my nose because I was so hunched over I had to snore water to go back down each end.

Ew! Oh, you went up? You went upwards? I did, because some of it went out the front and I had to go to have out. I was like choking on a meatball in my nose. I was just like,

that's fucking gross. It's a great time. Italians are just losing their mind. Like, these ghosts. How cool do you? You mock our culture. But then after, because like the whole thing is we're coming from New York and my brother and his fiancee were like, yo, you guys got a quarantine if you're coming from New York City.

So we're like, okay, we'll go to the beach for like five days and then come. And then I stayed with them. And it was like somewhat like, I don't know, there's probably two more weeks of like stay at home order where like you'd just get drunk with like the people you knew. And then I remember we went to my buddy south. That was the best. The first time you saw friends and you're like, I mean, for you were there to hold on. But for me, I was like, holy shit. this is awesome.

And then the bar is open and we just started going out with concert. That was great. Dude, I went to his trip club like peak COVID. I think it was like June 2020. And one of my friends, like won an MMA fight and he had two black eyes. Friends do I know that have MMA friends.

Just people. Yeah. It has a lot of them. Yeah. It's a breeding ground. Yeah. And he's shout out Daniel Wyatt. Hell yeah.

My, my butt. But I haven't. in lunch. I'm so out of it today. This is a tough episode. I'll be honest, but I'm going to get through it. My buddy had like two black eyes, and he's just throwing money at strip. But it's just the funniest thing to see somebody like emotionless face, two black eyes, just throwing money at strippers. And this was when they would be topless, but they'd have masks on. So it's such a weird like... They did have masks on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny. Yeah, they were doing drive-through strip clubs for a while where like you literally just drive-toe your car. It was contact with... How fucking horny do you have to be to do that? Yeah, it was like you'd go by like a drive-thru. I would so do it because you're like, this is the only time we're going to get to do this. But you have porn, like, it's essentially just looking at porn.

No, in Portland, that's what they're doing. You drove, you drove through a drive-through, and these girls just took their boobs out. We're like, bye. Like, have fun, see you. That's crazy. Yeah. That's funny, though. Like, I would do it just for the experience, because that's hilarious.

You can listen to whatever song you want. You just, like, on the window, like, hands up. Just licking it like a dog. Just like, ah. Yeah. But it was, um, yeah. Yeah, that was a good time. I remember that day was nuts because we went out,

we have this lake in the middle of our, we have a, what's it called? Island at the middle of our lake. It's called Dog Island, where we just gets fucked up on. And I remember my buddy had this like Xanax and he's like, bro,

takes him to Zanax. He's like, what are you going to make me take it and drive? And then I was like, all right, I guess that's fair. And then we just blacked out of this strip up peak COVID. And then it was like,

I think I fell asleep in the Uber. It was a disaster. Yeah. Well, I mean, it was fun in the beginning, just getting fucked up all the time. Yeah, but then you're...

Because there was nothing to do. Yeah, it was a good feeling because you're like, literally there's no other thing for me today right now. Like even responsible people would be like, well, you could do this. Can you? Yeah. Can you do that? So you might as well just drink. Yeah.

Do whatever. Oh, yeah. We would get the, uh, every night we'd get the, uh, the big Carlo Rossi jugs of wine. I don't have you ever seen. Oh, yeah, yeah. $10. The giant. Yeah.

We just have wine night every night. But it's so it's the annoying thing I was talking about. The more you drink, the better your hangovers are. Oh, yeah. annoying fucking thing because your body knows. Yeah, it's so annoying because I started cutting down on drinking and my hangover's got like a million times worse. And I'm like, it's almost worth it for me to drink every single night just to not be hungover. Just because you're just drunk the entire time.

No, no, no. I'm saying like, not even that. Like, I think that like, I'm saying like if you drink like 10 beers every single night, just at night, the next morning you'll feel better than if you drink six beers twice a week. I don't know, man. Like, I think you're right to an extent. I get pretty fucking hungover nowadays. Still. No matter what...

Yeah, like, with no matter what I drank. I don't know what it was. The beginning of COVID, I just don't remember having hangovers. But I guess I was probably just struck the whole time. Also, didn't have to, like, get up early and shit. Yeah, I was probably sleep until, like, noon. Yeah, so you probably got what you needed.

There's kind of like a couple... You were drinking responsibly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, just drinking... Like, and I mean that, like, you're just, like, having water. Like, you wasn't like, I got to get fucked up, and then this Monday, I got to go to work. you were just like fucking whatever.

Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah, it is a weird thing too because like there's always a year, like a whole year I'll remember like three moments from it. You really, you don't remember like there's kind of flew by.

Yeah, well, we just been fucking two years. It's already been two years. That's wild. I'm like, we're still in it. That's my favorite shit. People were like, you know what? We got to just like hang on a little longer. I'm like, what's gonna...

It's over. I mean, there's nothing more. Yeah, yeah. This is life now. I don't, I don't like that. That gives me goosebumps. Just hearing this is, But what is different now than it was?

To me, I live a... The only thing I see a difference is is when you go places like vaccine card. That's it. That's a good point. I don't wear masks. Yeah, I haven't worn it one or not. But I think it's just... I only wear I'm in Uber's.

Yes. But I think it's also just like the looming idea is still there. And that just makes me feel uncomfortable. There's that loomingness where it's like, oh, it's still here. Here's it like... I'm not worried about getting sick, but just the idea that everything could shut down. I don't think about it at all. Like, who it's still relevant to is for people who still think about it.

Like my roommate cares so much about it And that's all like You know talks about kind of I don't think about it And therefore it doesn't really exist to me I tried to explain it as my mom She wants to kill me But did I explain what does she not believe in it

No no no no I tried to explain to her like I just I'm taking that stance I believe in COVID but I believe in it I want to start taking the stance Of course I believe in it I'm just saying like I don't care anymore Yeah of course And she doesn't understand why I don't care

Oh yeah and you're like Because it's never gonna end And I'm like I did what they want I got the vaccine Yes Got it. Am I going to get the booster? I don't know.

It's a lot of shots in one year for me. I haven't had that many shots in a year. I think people who still are, it's like, oh, it affects me. It's like they want it to still affect them. Yeah. They want to be like, it's still here. And it's like, no, but you could go do whatever the fuck you want. Well, a lot of people peaked during COVID.

You don't know what I mean? Like their life was like the shit. Yeah. Like, people that are anti-social, that was the best year in the world. It gave them all something to do, too, because you got to argue. You got to be like, no, this is real. and this is bad. Nothing feels better than telling somebody your fucking opinions. You're just like, yeah, fucking take that. I think this.

And I'm full of it too. Like, I love telling people how I feel about shit. I can't. I just, I don't care enough to keep the conversation going. I wish I didn't care. About COVID, no. But some shit, I'm like, no. I'm a, I'm going to say it. Yeah, if I want to get people fired up. Yeah. I do like taking the opposite stance on everything. Dude, I'll go back home and I'll argue with my conservative friends about something. And I'll come here and argue with my liberal friends about something. I'm like, why don't people fall exactly on the political

spectrum where I am. But I also like I also like I do the same thing but I feel like that is kind of just how I feel about things. Like it's not me just being like, wait, what do you think? Oh no, I think the opposite. It's me literally being like there's a middle ground to everything. You are dumb. Yeah, yeah. But I think if you like literally just take COVID

as oh it's like just live your life. Just live your life. Yeah. It doesn't affect. Yeah, it is crazy to see the people with mental health though because there's certain people who are like, wow, you were a normal guy at the beginning of this. It's awesome. Name them. me. I definitely had some crazy drop-offs, but, you know, we're here now, we're having a good time.

The homeless people, I don't know. I don't know if they've gotten more intense, or I just don't remember. I got another blade pulled on me last week. Really? Wait, that... No, same guy, you haven't talked about on the podcast. So this guy, this guy, homeless guy, comes up to me,

and he puts me in an imaginary jail cell. He, like, he locks me up, he goes, he goes, you're in jail. I'm taking the key. He throws the key. I swear to God. You're like, do I get a vote? Do I get a phone goal?

He goes, he's like, yep, you're a jail. And I was like, fuck. And then I was like, fuck. But I start to walk. And then he touches me. I go, don't fucking touch me, man. And then he pulls out, he has like a umbrella, like a wooden umbrella handle, like shaved into a fucking shiv. So it's like a shank.

And so it's like a giant thing. He didn't like directly pull it on me, but he's like pulling it out of his pocket after locking me in jail. And I was like, all right. I'm just going to fuck. I'm going to walk away. So are you still arrested? Yeah. Is it on your record?

I'm on the run. Is it on your record or are you still on the run? I'm still all the road. But then the pizza guy at Benz comes out with a pocket knife and they're like circling in the streets. Like about to literally like the guy's like swinging around his thing like trying to scare off the other guy. And they're literally about to knife fighting the streets.

And then the police took the homeless guy somewhere. Apparently they were like outside the pair just looking at his shank. They're like, what the fuck is this? That's a very productive day that he made that. Like I didn't do that much today. That's his whole day. He's making a sweet shank. He woke up and was like, I'm going to put a guy in jail today.

And then they, I'm going to clean these streets up. I'm going to clean these streets up. All these dudes selling comedy tickets. He used to be a cop. Well, the day before he was in the Vietnam War. Dude, I don't think you realize that was Derek Chauvin. Yeah.

And he's like, ha ha ha ha ha. You got arrested by Derek Chauvin. Yo, there has to be somebody that, like, this year got pulled over and got a ticket by Derek Chauvin. They were like, lodging TV, like, is that the fucking asshole? Oh, yeah.

Derek Chauvin's. I relate to the George guy because he gave me a ticket and I was only doing five miles and now and over. Derek Chauvin, Derek Chauvin's out there still just parading the streets because he just misses the game. He misses it so bad. He's like, stop. Yeah. He's literally, he's really waving people down from behind like, pull over, pull over. Super Bowl.

Like, what, dude? He's like, I just miss this. He goes, fuck, I miss this. They go, what? He goes, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter anymore. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, I used to do this all the time. Can I just say it?

And the guy goes, sure, man. He goes, license. There definitely has. He's in jail, though, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. He got life. Yeah.

For sure. There has to be somebody that got a speeding ticket. It was just so, so fucking happy to see him on the news. Like, ha ha ha. That guy is. It's been funny if it was a super conservative guy too. He's like, I kind of, I get that guy's point. I guess the question is, like, if your cop gets arrested and goes to jail while your speeding ticket is, like, being processed.

And you only get the ticket. Yo, there's got to be somebody who's like, you're fighting it. You're like, okay, we have Andrew, whatever, Palmer. and you're going against Derek Chauvin for the crime of like, because that's how it works. You battle the cop before your ticket. They don't show up. They toss it out.

You just pay court fees. Got a lot of free people walking. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. A lot of people showed up to their court all happy. Like, here we go. Yeah, there we go. Oh, is he coming?

No. Oh, he's not here? Oh, he's not here? Why? What did he do? Hope he's okay. They say with such glee, and they're like, who is your arresting officer? And they're like, Mr. Derek Chauvin. Yeah.

One guy's just completely reckless at driving. They're like, Mr. Francis. You were driving at 150 miles an hour. However, Officer Chauvin isn't here. So tossed out. Like, yeah. That's fucking. But, um, they were, like, looking at the cops.

I don't even know where we go over there. They were looking at the guy shank, just like, what the fuck is this? But then the guy came out to be there. He's like, hey, man, how's it going? He goes, he goes, he goes, Darren? And I go, no, that's not my fucking name, dude. And I was like, you literally pulled a knife on. a shank on me like two days ago and he doesn't

remember me. Yeah, but you shouldn't be doing that. These people are crazy. I know. People are insane and you're trying to be like, dude, come on, you know that's not my fucking name. You're gonna talk to me like that about a Ben's pizza area. Dude, you put me in jail. You don't remember my fucking name? Yeah. Yeah, it's very

true. You should just be like, no, no, no, I'm selling it. And you shouldn't have the same interaction with the same homeless man twice. Yeah. But you shouldn't interact with the same homeless person twice. what do you mean like you like why talk to the same home

with person twice I've never talked to the same well because they'll constantly talk to you yeah yeah oh you guys are standing on the same street corner all the time that guy's such a dick I've been trying to sell people comedy show tickets and he goes

I'm actually starving comedians so you guys should give them money just straight to me and you're like what do you think I was doing now help me bark yeah wait who's that guy that comes out there

with the golf club and milk cartons oh that's tiger hood yeah yeah that guy's cool as shit yeah Tiger hood is very nice yeah he is

yeah this other guy that It's so funny because the guy I'm talking about. Wait, is Tiger Hood cracked out of his mind? No, he just loves golf. And banging chicks. And banging Perkins waitresses. Now he does like way worse.

Banging Waffle House waitresses. How do you know? I mean, there's not much lower down than a Perkins waitress. Tiger Woods was banging Perkins waitresses when he got caught? Was he? Yeah, yeah. You know how he got caught? It was on the documentary. It's the grossest thing ever that a journalist did.

Do you know? No. Tiger Woods got... Oh, didn't he like take a condom out of like... Tiger Woods got caught. Because there was journalists that, like, had a suspicion that he was cheating on his wife and they wanted a story and just, like, to ruin someone's life. Which is, I don't know, whatever. But anyway, they were in a car out of Perkins, outside of a Perkins.

And the girl was on her period. Tiger likes period sex. And she threw her tampon out. And they went up and picked the tampon up and went to Tiger and were like, look what we have. And that's how they ran the story. And he didn't. Which, first of all, it's like, that doesn't prove anything. That's just a bloody tampon.

Yeah. Tiger's going to be like, oh, fuck. Like how much period sex is he avid? Dude, how confused it would be? If somebody gave up to you the bloody tampon, it was like, yeah. So you're like, who the fuck are you? What is that?

I love how like Tiger knew. Yeah. He was like, oh no. It'd be funny if he was like, let me give you more information. I also have a really bad sex addiction with prostitutes. Yeah. Whoa, whoa, tell us more. Yeah.

No, yeah, that's really how he got caught. Because then they were like, we're going to run the story. And Tiger, yeah, they ran it. Yeah. I mean, it happens. But the other guy, the homeless guy I'm talking about He fucking, it was so funny He saw him the other day talking to this guy

For like 30, 45 minutes Wait, which guy? The Shanker? Yeah, yeah. And this other guy's like, okay, they're like giggling and laughing They're like talking stuff And then the guy goes out The guy he was talking to

Just like some regular ass guy Because he goes, hey man, you got the Coke I was like, what do you talk about? I talked to your buddy over there, the Coke dealer He says that you're the guy he buys from like Dude, that's just a crazy homeless guy He doesn't sell cocaine You've been talking to him for 45 minutes

How can you not pick up on that? Yeah, well, he is somewhat clean cut I mean, he's fat, so you don't think he's, like, starving. He's a dude with, like, the... Curlier hair. Kind of Troy Palomalu. I don't know who that is. He's a...

He has, like, long curly hair. He's like a... Yeah. Not... He's like a kind of, like, Puerto Rican-looking guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. He's the guy who got pepper sprayed.

Did you see that? No. Oh, yeah, I saw him get pepper sprayed by a bouncer. For what am I... That kind of... We all kind of caught, like, some... Like, they pepper sprayed him right in front of us. So we all kind of were, like, coughing and sneezing.

What was he do? I mean, he'll like it. He was trying to fight a bouncer. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You're right. He does kind of look clean cut where you're like, oh, you're just having a bad day, dude. Yeah.

But no, he's having a lot of them in a row. Yeah. My favorite is I saw a bouncer at Cafe Waugh. This homeless guy was in a wheelchair. I see the bouncer take the homeless guy, dump him out of the wheelchair and toss the wheelchair 10 feet. And then I was like, this is really fucked up. But I see the guy walk up and go get his wheelchair. I was like, oh.

Was it the guy in the fedora? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But it's so funny. He looks so much like Jordan Peel. Yeah. And I'm like, is this Jordan Peel's next character? They should just do that every night then.

What if it is? Oh, just dump him out of the chair. Dump him out of the chair. Throw the chair. Because, like, for what, you think this guy's a huge piece of shit, and then you realize the other guy's a piece of shit. You're like, oh, it was such a misdirection. Yeah, they cancel each other out.

I do have to end here, though, now. Why? He's got to go on his run. Yeah, no, I got a job interview. Then I got to go on run. Where does the job interview? What's the name of the company? It's a temp agency, and I can't say the name of the company.

Why not? because I can't do this shit. I keep getting in trouble for doing... What's the name of the company? I'm not attaching their name to this. I'm not attaching the name. What do you want to promote? He's getting the job of Duncan Do you want to promote.

Family Portraits with Jason David. T.J. Francis on Instagram. Oh, oh. Pure Fruit Comedy. Monthly show on Tuesdays at the Comedy Shop in Greenwich Village. Me and Adam Christopher. All right. There we go.