Morning Good - Can I See Your AIDS Card, Please?- Episode 69

Episode Date: March 27, 2022

Thanks to Paddy and Alan for coming back on the show. We're gonna be putting out extra long episodes now that Mike is unemployed again, so stay tuned and keep coming back! Follow the guests of this week's episode at their link below.Paddy is on IG @paddy_is_funky and Twitter @paddydefino and Alan Fitzgerald is everywhere @fuckcityusa.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front.

Welcome to morning. It just takes some greasing up the tires. Absolutely. And we are on. We're here with Patty Defino. Hello. And Alan Fitzgerald. Hey there.

Bigai. How you doing? Fuck City USA in the house. Yeah. I'm doing my plugs now. Follow me at Fuck City, USA. Everywhere. Follow me at Fuck City, USA, too, dude.

I don't give a shit. You don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. I don't know. I bought all these stickers from my podcast because I took a bunch of, I've told this a million. The hard part of my recording five days in a row is what I've been doing.

You just say the same shit on every episode. Because like, nothing new has happened in your life. You're like, well, I got fired. But I remember I took, on Monday, I took a bunch of Adderall and drank a bunch of coffee. And I'm like, I'm going to show this job that I really am, right for this. And I immediately got fired five minutes later. So I was just on Adderall, just like on coffee. And then I

like fucking, uh, and then I just made stickers for my podcast. I was like, I'll be 200. I designed these stickers with QR codes. I'm just going to put them all around. Yeah. Did you do that with work equipment? Uh, no, no, that would be great. They're just on their dollar. Yeah. Do that. Yeah, that's the funniest thing. I'm like, I told my boss, I'm like, yeah, this is not going to affect

my performance at all for the next two weeks. Because I have two weeks. I'm like, yeah, it's so hard to care about a job that you're fired from. Oh, yeah. That's a, that's hard to show up. Nevermind care. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, work from home. So they're like, I'm sorry, I couldn't make it in time.

They're like, so your stickers just have your face on them. With the boner. With the boner. And then the QR code, yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty, I mean, if I were to make a sticker, I would probably keep my face off of it. But then again, it's like, you can't just have a disembodied boner out there.

Yeah, yeah. They're not going to know what it is. The people on the streets are going to want to know. Whose face is this. Who's face. Exactly. I like that you record your podcast in like essential. what is dog ears.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm going to release this like a month from now. You're going to record about surface. Yeah, seven days later that comes out. I like that idea, though. That's like what a lot of people do, I think. Yeah. Just like, you just get into a rhythm.

And then you don't, it also forces you to not talk about current events. Yeah, because, I mean, it's going to change immediately. Ukraine will not be a country. That's my favorite thing. Some girl posted that was the president's name. Putin? No, no, the other guy that you, you, it's like Zelansky or something.

Yeah, yeah, that guy. Yeah. Some girl posted, she's like, guess what? Your girlfriend has a crush on Slansky, and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm like, I don't think he's going to be alive for five more days. So I think we're going to be... Also, my girlfriend is a man now. The year is 24.

Yeah, this is irrelevant. My penis has been turned into an origami. Can you hold her on the microphone? I say this, I should always tell comics before the episode, but I always just end up awkwardly telling them, like, five minutes in. No, that's, that's fine. I get into my Andrew Schultz rhythm, you know, and I start talking like a black guy holding the mic at the bottom.

Crowd work. I'm so bad at crowd work. He does talk like a black guy, doesn't he? Oh, 100%. I think that's a New York thing. White guys are allowed to act black in New York. But like, if they grew up in New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you're like an implant, you have to talk from whatever honky tonk town it is. Yeah, yeah. I got to talk like Mark fucking Walberg to these people. What's up guy? By the thing you doing. What the fuck's going on? fella, what's up? But I think, too, is like, I don't mind people.

that think they're black if they actually grew up around black. But the problem is, like, somebody who, I know somebody who randomly changed, and now they just think that. I'm like, no. You know what I mean? You're like, it's like, if you're from there, it's like, I get that. You don't really have an identity besides the people around you. But if you just randomly, you're like, I'm 25 years old. I want to be black.

Yeah, you can't just do that. Why do you make an accent all of a sudden? What's going on here? Dreadlocks. Oh, no. He's painting his face. Oh, no. I don't mind if people, people who think they're black if they're black.

And that's really where I draw the law. Anybody. If they're black, I have no problem with them thinking that they're black. A lot of people do. A lot of people are like, how would you start acting white? Yeah. I don't like, I got to say, though. I don't like.

I'm cool that like, if Asians want to act black, that's cool. But I want them wearing yellow duress for some reason. I don't know why. Asians do dress black. Everyone does. But in New York, though, because it's weird because in Florida, we have Asian rednecks. I was talking about this in the last episode. Really?

Yes. New York has. So orange necks, if you were? Yes. That was good. That was good. There's this one guy I was talking about the last episode, this dude.

Like, we went to a stir fry place. The guy's like, how's it going, folks? How y'all doing? Having a good time. And a fully fat Asian guy. And it's awesome. I'm like, I like people that are anomalies.

I'm like, this is not what you'd expect this guy to talk like. And he had like a real southern act. Like, he almost sounded like somebody doing an offensive, like slave owner accent. Like, he sounded like foghorn, leghorn. And he's just cooking up stir fried. And he's like, yes, how we do folks? Just like tossing like eggs in people's mouths. Does it happen like with immigrants too?

Are they like, oh, a Bessa pro shop? Yeah. But they'll stick to, yeah, yeah. I love Alon's Asian accent. Ugh. It sounds like... It doesn't be trying to poop while saying... It's a Japanese.

It sounds like the sound that... Everyone does the Chinese. Oh, so I do the Japanese to even things out, you know? Yeah, yeah. It sounds like the guy that Jackie Chan is beating. up in every movie. Have you guys listened to Jackie Chan's music? No, is it good?

It's, I've heard it. No, no, no, it is good. I've heard it. It's fucking sick. It's actually really good. It's like surprising. There's no way he wrote it because, you know. Dude, why not? He directs all his own movies. Yeah, but you can't get kicked in the head that much and be able to like, you know. He mostly breaks arms and legs, dude. That's true. You know what's funny? I was just wondering

if there's ever like a racist cast director who's like, you know how you have to have a. stunt double for Asian actors. He just throws some guy that doesn't look like him at all. He's like, you guys, you could be Jackie Chan's stunt double, right? This guy doesn't even look anything like me. Yeah, it's like just a white guy and yellow face. It's like, no, we can't. He's like, I don't know.

I couldn't tell the difference. This is the worst kung fu movie I've ever seen. Jason Chet. He does. That one guy's skateboarding. I think he does do all of his own stunts though. Jackie Chan? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. How old is he now? Oh, he's like 60. I'm pretty sure he also did a porno. Do you guys have your phones? Can you look that up? I think he did a porno.

It was an incest-themed porno. It was an incest porno? I'm like 95% sure it was like a guy fucking his mom. I do have to admit, though, I haven't watched porn in 54 days. Oh, maybe have Alan look it up on your phone. Yeah, I don't need he's going to relapse. Is this going to relapse you? I feel bad now.

No, this is for sure. Jackie Chan incest porn is for sure. You're not going to tip me over the edge. You got a whole new fucking can you imagine that? only one video. The sad thing about this is they could put probably one of

several thousand Asians in here. Oh, and we'd be like, that's him. I would believe. It's clearly Jackie Chan. Yeah, the woman, too. Well, this is cartoon. No, that's definitely not it. Okay, look up Jackie Chan adult film. Maybe look at more realistically. Yeah. But also, like, I could

see him doing some fucking sick tricks. Maybe this is a dream I had. This could totally be inaccurate. Right? Okay, read it. I had to do anything I could to make a living. 31 years ago. That's how a lot of very sad stories Chan said in 2006, a less than glowing

recommendation of 1975's all in the family. Right? I'm not crazy. The Archie bunkerless adult film in which Chan strips down to play the role of Little Tang. Oh. She was probably like, your penis so small. What is that Little Tang?

He's getting like the family shame. Yeah, that's got to be aware. I never watched Asian-themed incest for, but there's got to be a lot of disappointment. It was also 19th. 75. So I mean like, did they even have cameras there? Did they just have someone like They had cameras. That was the

porn boom. I don't know if we're going to be able to find this though. We don't have to watch it. You're clean, buddy. I'm not going to. That's important. We got the quote where he does admit. He's like, look. It's not as good as police story. But I did do a porno once.

Yeah. All right. There's no way I'm not going to watch it. That's got to be so funny. It's got to be somewhere. I don't know. I would have thought it would have popped up because like it's got to be like a highly searched thing. I mean, maybe he's got, you know, a dong that, uh, writes its own stories, but I just don't know. I don't, Asian porn. Have you guys like delved into the- Always blurred out.

I have a problem with the blurring. I have a problem with the blurring, too. Do you have a sinus infection also? That's just, you know-sound stuffed. That's just the Japanese. Yeah. It's so bad right now. Do you have like a sore throat?

Yes. Dude, I think everyone in New York has the same shit. it fucking sucks, dude, he spent like five days. I told Alan today, or yesterday, I was like,

dude, I think I'm starting to get a sore throat and he's like, dude, you're sick all the time. You might have HIV. Dude,

I was thinking. And part of me, part of me was like, I know I haven't fucked a dude in the past week. Three weeks. How long is it before? What's the timetable?

Yeah, well, I mean, there was this phase in college where I used to black out. Wake up covered in glitter. I used to, I used to blackout and then immediately call one of my friends for gay sex.

This is so embarrassing. Just my after blackout routine. I used to blackout come out of the blackout and then fuck dudes all night. I was hungover, ready? It's my only anger over curious. I'm banging five guys. I black out and fuck women and then I come back. It's like when you are hung over so you need to drink a beard to feel less hungover.

He gets fucked into unconsciousness by dudes. And then he wakes up because I just need a little gay sex. feel okay, feel normal. Well, hair of the hair of the scrotum, right? That's the only downside to the male clitoris, which by the way, nobody talks about this.

The G spot. The G spot, but also... The male clitoris is your dung. Is it? Yeah. Yeah, your tip is like supposed to be the clitoris. Interesting. Yeah. But that is funny that like guys have a thing in their ass and women, their thing is

not even in their vagina. Yeah, it's outside their vagina. It's outside. Yeah. So it's like, men just born to come, dude. Born to come. It sounds like a fucking, like a Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. It's a Bruce Springsteen weird owl. Born to.

Maybe we were born to come. Bow, wow, wow. Yeah. Yeah, it is also, yeah, it is weird the male g-spuds and ass, but I've never hit that. Like, I've had my ass, like, licked and, like, fingered slyly, but I've never had in there. Like, I've gotten a prostate exam.

It was those uncomfortable thing. I didn't enjoy it at all. Oh, really? Oh, no, it's awful. Yeah, yeah. Wow. But, man, they're not trying. though. My doctor is super cool.

Yeah, your doctor knows what the fuck they're doing. He's just going like that. He's got to know he can do that at any time. I could have this guy as putty in my hand. I wanted to. I know what I'm doing right there. But back to AIDS, you definitely got it. Dude, I'm not even kidding.

When you said the vaccine gives you HIV, I wasn't immediately dismissing of it. Me too, me too. Because like, as soon as I got the vaccine, First of all, I got COVID three weeks later. Yeah, yeah. Which is apparently what the vaccine is good. It's like, no, you'll get COVID.

It'll just be less bad. You're just probably not going to die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I got sick again, like a month after it. And I, and like now this is like another cold. It's like, dude, I either have the worst immune system in the world. Dude, I'm in the same boat. The last, I've always kind of had a bad, but like honestly, the last, like, year, I've just had the most worst up and down.

It's all of us because we didn't get any cold or any flu or any flu. or anything while we were staying inside. Yeah, that's a great point, yeah. All of us. So we're all... That's why you got to take your mask off and just start kissing homeless people. Licking doorknobs.

Yes, the only way we'll get back. Sharon Needles. This is the only way to be healthy anymore. You know there's a drag queen and her name is Sharon Needles? That's pretty funny. That is amazing. Yeah, yeah.

That's awesome. I always thought a great name for a drag queen would be Rachel Slur. or Jenny's side That's funny The AIDS thing is so funny because I think every day Like I get sick I'm like how much worse can it be than this

Because that that shows how bad My perception is I think that my cold is as bad as AIDS AIDS is different now though AIDS used to be a death sentence It's not true anymore If you get AIDS nowadays You just take some sort of like gay insulin

and every day, and you're good. You're good to go. Pre. At least his prep is like what's up. Yeah. It's a lot of vitamins and such. You actually need AIDS to get into certain clubs in the loweries. Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised. Can I see your AIDS card, please?

I hate to play my AIDS card. Yeah, that's... You know what's funny when you say AIDS card? Did you guys ever play apples to apples? Yes. There is an AIDS card. Really? Yeah, and it's almost guaranteed to win whatever...

Are you not thinking of cards against humanity? No. Apples to apples. Apples to apples. I know there's like a junior edition with like Barney and whatever, but like the regular edition, there's an AIDS card. Really? Literally every single adjective you put AIDS down, you win. It's like to create your own.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is bad. Oddly enough, Anthony Fauci created his own AIDS. I love, by the way, I want to do just a misinformation podcast. I don't care. It's funny. It's funny that people get so bad about it. It's like, I don't know.

Dude, if you're fucking listening. to my thing and you're not, I don't give a shit. I don't think you have any people, you know, devoted to science. Listening to this. No, not at all, yeah. They're like, you know, the guy with the boner on the cover. Yeah, he's probably got all the facts. Yeah, but he's wearing a lab coat. Yeah, he doesn't even tuck it in his waistband.

This guy gives no fucks. Yeah, you got boner out. Yeah, that's the thing. I'm a fucking idiot when it comes to all this stuff, but it is, it is funny because everybody's like, oh, you think so? It's like everybody's going to try to figure this out and say their own thing. But I love the idea. somebody's like don't spread it misinformation i want to purposely spread missouri it sounds fun yeah it's

also like everyone was spreading misinformation from from the tip off yeah so like especially the cdc dude a little cd to me if if you uh yeah yeah i got you catch my drip i got you and i don't i don't know they like the whole time they're like no you don't need a mask and then that you need a mask then then you did and now we don't again yeah except for on the subway they still try to make us wear one. I don't wear one anymore. No, I don't either. I've been Team Kid Rock on masks for a long time. Seriously. But I think with it, too,

is like, I didn't. I was pretty like, yeah, whatever, I just had COVID. But now that I'm actually sick, I'm like, maybe I should throw one back on. I'm like, I'm like, I had COVID a month ago. I'm like, well, this is probably something else. Yeah, like a normal cold. No, this is just a normal flu. Yeah, yeah. Totally fine. But I've, yeah, it's bad. I cough.

Like, I, whatever you're getting, I have that shit. And it is bad. Like, I've had five days where I've just been like so clogged up. And I have body aches too, which is fucking painful because like apparently that's not, I guess some sinus infections you get body aches, some you don't. I like, I like, we're cut from the same cloth where we're both like, let's try to hide this from each other. We'll show up and do a podcast.

So, I can't stop. Spitting in the direction of each other. We're done with this stuff. You got to, you got to sniffle, you're staying out of work. Fuck that. Yeah. We're done. I also work from homes.

There's like no way for me. I mean, I'm fired now. But it's so fucking annoying, dude. I was in Florida for 10 days. Every day I'd wake up at 9 a.m. Work to 6 p.m. Drive across the state, not drop, but drive like two hours to go do shows. Come home.

Maybe go out with some friends drinking. You woke up home over there and just worked my ass off every day. And then I get fired and I'm stuck in New York. I'm like, God damn it. Why couldn't I have been fired two weeks ago? Yeah. Dude, every day was beautiful. I'm outside like the sun's out there.

You see people golfing, kayaking, having just the best time ever. And I'm like, I got to work all this time while doing that. I mean, to be fair, I'm on my laptop and a bathing suit. Just like typing a number. is the slowest pace possible. Looking up Jackie Chan porn. I've jerked off on the clock. I've followed it.

Oh, dude. I used to off the... Can we go off the record for a something? On a recorded podcast? I used to do it at my office, like, once a day. Because the funny... You were an office shooter? I was in office.

I was never a school shooter, but I was an office shooter. Yeah, because the thing is, once you get away with it once, the floodgates are open. It breaks down that barrier. That's the question. They're like, you're allowed to take a 10 minute break. Okay. Does that mean I could...

Give me fine. Yeah. Does that mean I could, you know, maybe in a team's meeting, turn off the audio, put my laptop against the wall, start Googling videos, go back to the team's meeting. Yeah. Little riled up, found the right video. I'll put it to the side for a second. And then I'll take my 10 minute break in an hour and a half.

Yeah. Correct. Does it mean I could slowly enter numbers while maybe browsing a little bit? And then I don't touch my penis. until my 10-minute break, but... Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I don't know. We had no women that worked in our office.

Good. We had a women's bathroom. Oh. So it's like, you might as well write, you know, knuckle children on the door. Wait, what's knuckle children? It's jerking off. No. Firing off some knuckle children.

You might as well write it on it because it's like, what are we going to... We just strictly took shits in there and jerked off. And now I never... Building gooey orphanages. There you go. Snow White would be proud. Not Snow White. What's the other one? I jerked off once at work.

That sounds like it's about to be a story. You just looked in the distance when you said it. I was no one time. I was babysitting. Yeah, never again. I think it should be illegal for men to babysitting. Such a weird thing. No, dude, no, no.

You shouldn't have men babysitting. It's so fucking weird. It sounds sexist, too. Leave that to the ladies, but come on, leave them the ladies. There's like, there's like a one. a hundred chance with a guy like, oh yeah, it's also the weird thing I was thinking about, I was like, well, you may have met like gay men

babies, I'm like, well, there's tons of gay pedophiles. But then I realized, gay pedophiles, I've never seen a pedophile who's been gay. It's almost like a different sexuality in a sense, even though they're attracted to males. I don't understand what you're saying. Pedophile gay guys, same thing to me, but go ahead. But it's like, it's like, you look at like a pedophile

and he's got like a fucking, like a mustache, he's got like this like shaggy. looks kind of like Alan. It looks like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah, yeah, but it's like that is so different than the way a gay man acts. It's just weird that the gay culture is just not adopted at all by pedophiles.

Like, pedophiles are very like, I don't know, they're not very clean-cut guys normally. Yeah, very rarely as a petapal as fabulous. I mean, you know, it's fabulous. I mean, let's be honest. They're not trying to impress adults. Yeah, yeah, that's a good point.

Yeah. Yeah. So it's why, it's why, you know, they can drive a van instead of a Camaro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, as long as they got candy, they're good. Yeah, so they don't put any effort in anything else. It's got to be good candy, though.

They'll present themselves well. They're like, I've got to get a haircut. I'm going to rape that kid later. Yeah, there's no... Do I smell bad? Yeah, there's no... That's actually how the Klondike bar was invented. It's just like, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

Some horrible thing. You'll fuck an old man in a van for a Klondike bar. That's strange. Yeah. It's going to be a weird CEO. Listen, what we did in the past is not important. The point is, we got fine ice cream and chocolate here, all right?

What about your dad raping kids? I don't want to talk about that. I just want to talk about the ice cream. I'm going to talk about the sweet, delicious. For the love of God. Yeah, that is, yeah, that is, I don't know. I don't know why I swear to every episode, I always have to top off everything.

I felt like I was going to say something important. What am I going to say to this clown guy fucking kids bit? This is just a learning curve. What would you do for a Klondack bar? I'd do anything but buy one. You can't buy a Klonach bar. Are they mint flavored? There are mint flavored ones.

Are they ice cream bars? I like the, yeah. I like never had one? I think I may have had one a while ago. They're okay. Yeah. They're fine. Yeah.

The only issue is like, it's one of those we have to like peel it as you go. You can't just rip the whole thing out and start eating it because you'll just be. Well, that's why you got to get on a stick. Get like a fucking magnum dove bar. Those are the best. You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah. Or the hog andaws ones? It sounds like how you get fucked in prison or something. No. Magnum Dove bar? Dropping the Dove bar. Doesn't. It doesn't at all. You're just looking for things.

I'm stretched. I got to throw rape in this joke. That's Patty in prison. Like, oh, guys, I dropped the Magnum Dove Bar. You know what that means? I was like, stop trying to get fucked in the ass. That's got to be one guy who's just like, they're like, it's not fun if you want to get fucked. Apparently rape is like, the idea of prison rape is actually like really rare.

Really? Yeah, they don't like, in most prisons. It's so overblown. Like most guys, they just don't do that. That's so crazy, because I know one person who talked about going, like, it was like, I don't even want to say because the person doesn't live in America anymore. But they apparently went to prison and they got like raped a bunch with like a broomstick and all this horrible stuff. Oh, Jesus. A broomstick. Harry Potter style.

But I guess that's not maybe, maybe that's different because they're like, fuck you, bitch. I'm not gay. I'm going to fuck you with a broom. That's just called chores. Was this a maximum security facility? I don't know what it was. Yeah. All right. Yeah. So yeah, from what I, I, my research is mostly YouTube. Yeah. So I don't, I can't, you know, I can't be, I will say, though, like from the guys who went to prison and goes, yeah, we don't do that as much as people say. It's kind of annoying when people always think we're getting fucked and fucking each other. But it's also funny because, like, they're obviously biased. They're going to be like, that's not happening here. It's like, yeah, who would be saying like, yeah, every fucking day.

I don't know. It's pretty, you know, they admit other things like, yeah, so I'm a Nazi now. I don't want to be, but, you know, office politics, you know? Yeah. What's what we were talking about? We were talking about, like, a Chinese guy on the last episode who went to jail. And I was like, that's got to be hard because you look around, you're like, well, there's none of my people here. So who the fuck do I join? Yeah. It looks like the Shaolin Knights aren't a gang here. Yeah.

Looks like I got to teach the white supremacist's Kempo. It's the only way to make friends. They could be honorary. I don't know. I think that is a thing. I'm not sure of white supremacists. say Asians that much.

I think that's probably their least... Yeah, I think it's their least hate it. They don't love them. I don't even think they know what Asians

are. Yeah. Who are these smart Latinos? That's what they are. Math, Brazilians. Yeah, the Latin

prime ministers. I only know like of one person that went to prison and it was not... I don't know what the deal is with American prisons

compared to other prisons, but it seems like nobody ever comes back from other ones in good shape in American prisons. Like another prisons they're like

oh we'll teach you how to use like a hot glue gun and all this shit but then like these it's like no you have to fight each other with sharp objects every day

yeah it seems like not a fun make license plates for 75 cents an hour yeah speaking of which it's probably not better I mean I think

North Korean is probably the worst probably just guessing just seeing those fucking things with like that I don't know I feel like you get trouble.

They can't afford to feed their citizens never mind they're like their prisons Oh yeah Oh my god yeah That's gotta be a tough balance though Because they have those work camps And they're like we don't want to feed you But we also want to get the work done

So we gotta give you a little bit You guys like weigh protein or something Like they gotta like figure out Some sustenance Yeah yeah That's gotta be a very tough balance To punish them But also be like

You guys are working like shit right now We need to fucking build this corn maze Not corn maze I don't know I'm guessing maybe they're farming Dude I don't even Corn maze is good You could have a whole lot of racist weighs there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could have like, yeah, sorghum rice. Yeah, yeah. They got to make the chapstick somehow. You could have went a whole lot of places. Yeah, but I went to corn maze, yeah. It's good.

Dude, I would be interested to go to North Korea, like, virtually. Like, I don't want to actually, but I want to see what it's all about. Oh, yeah, just send one guy with a fucking camera on his head. Because they say, like, they're like, oh, no, everyone actually enjoys it.

But if they were to, like, experience life outside of North Korea, they would realize that It sucks, but... There's that one girl... You see that girl on Joe Rogan with the big tits? Dude. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry that's... It was just so noticeable.

It was insane. Yeah. Big tits on an Asian. I feel like he put video on that episode. He's like, we're gonna start doing video now. It's just, it's a thing we're doing. Yeah. Asia's with big tits are a little more rare, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But it was... Her stories are fucking nuts where she's like, my world map. I didn't even know what the world looked like. Because, like, Kim Jong-un's world is just like him. Probably just stick figure of him ginormous. That's fucking awesome.

Yeah. He is cool. Like, it's so funny. It looks like a Candyland. The fact that he shoots people to rocket lodgers is hilarious. That's so funny. He's literally playing a video game. His life is Grand Theft Auto.

It's incredibly wasteful. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. But also fucking sick, dude. Dude, there's some crazy thing. I think you have a picture of him. There can't be dust on it or something. Everybody has a picture of him in their house and you can't get any dust on it. You can't get any dust on it?

You can't get any dust on it? No, the inspectors come in. They're like, is there dust on here? and then your dad gets shot in front of you or something. It's so bad. It's funny how bad it. It's so horrific.

You're like, Jesus Christ. Isn't that the mom's job for Christ's sex? Just saying. I'm just saying. Dad always gets the end of a gun. I just imagine that. Everyone had like a picture of Obama in their house. Yeah.

They're just like, oh, is that dust? Our fearless leader. Yeah, here we got dartboards of Obama on. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's so true. Yeah, exactly. Fuck you, you black son of a bitch. Yeah, dude, if you go to like the sound... Mitt Romney was awesome.

Yeah, if you go to the fucking sound, like, there were people that had, like, shooting posters of, like, fucking... There's an Osama bin Laden one. I was like, that's cool. And the next to it's like a Malcolm X one. You're like, all right, not so much. Just keeps getting worse and worse.

Rosa Parks. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, that's funny. That level of racism is where they're like, yeah, Rosa Parks is it. It's like, what? This is innocent old one that wanted to stand off a bus Sammy Sosa

He wasn't even black He just looked kind of black For part of his career That is crazy It's like we always talk about that We're like man World War II That was a horrible thing Like there's still so much horrible shit going on in the world

Yes But we just don't care because they're Is it because they're Did we just start caring when they're white I'm starting to think that's what happened Because Ukraine happened And all of a sudden we're like Of course

It seems like that's We didn't give a shit Until two weeks ago And now we're like, what? Ukrainian aren't white, though. They're like, they're not quite white. But there's like a Nazi thing going on over there. I've heard there are a lot of, like, Ukrainian Nazis.

I keep hearing that, but it's like, you know, let's just give everyone a break. If you're fighting in a war, you have to have at least some Nazis for historical continuity. It's also tough because I'm like, are they Nazis in the sense that they, I don't know. That they're blind? Yeah, no, no. I'm saying, like, do they support Adolf Hitler or are they like, I don't want to, I don't want and wear masks. It's like, what is going on? It's a tough term now because it's you so much.

It is used. If there's somebody who listens to the Legion of Skanks podcast? We call everybody Nazis, so it's very hard to know what that's very true. That's a good point. That's a Michael good point. Ooh, that'll be the new name of the podcast. And you can keep the picture. Oh, yeah. Because

like it seems like people were bombing the shit out of each other in like the Middle East for so long. And we were like, I mean, you got some Palestine people that were like, hey, but now everybody's like a media like Ukraine needs to be And I'm like, I'm not, I don't know anything about what's going on, but it really seems like we didn't care about the Uighur Muslim camps in China. We didn't care about North Korea. We don't care about genocide in Africa.

We don't care about the Indonesian shit that's going. There's like so much going on. We're like, yeah. I think they just, we just wanted a war. Did you hear that one guy who's like part owner of the Gold State Warriors? They've someone brought up the Uyghur Muslim thing to him. And he was just like, let's just be honest. no one cares about the Uyghur Muslims.

Oh my God. And the guy was like, what? I do. He was like, yeah, that's great. Aren't you a good person? I don't know what a Uyghur Muslim is. It's a Chinese Muslim. Oh, okay. I just picture like a white guy with like baggy pants.

No. Yeah. It's a Chinese Muslim. That's not like 100% accurate either. It's just the easiest way to say it. Yeah, yeah. As far as I understand, it's Chinese Muslim. It's a Muslim in China.

That's all. Yeah. Yeah. Like if you moved Osama bin Laden to China, he'd be a Uyghur. Yeah, but he's not Chinese. Yeah, that's just what they call it. Yeah, that's, I don't know. It's a dumb way to put it, but it's, you know, close.

Chinese Muslim. You also wonder, like, what's prop, like, it's like, I, I've never been. It's so hard to say these places I've never been to because I'm like, this is horrible North Korea, but, like, low-key, they could be saying, what if, I bet you, I guarantee you when Russia shows pictures of America, it's the most fucked up shit ever. They're only showing, like, they're still showing. They're showing Detroit. Yes, and they're like, this is what America's,

like, be like, I never want to live there. Russia's awesome. So, like, we kind of have that same thing. What they're showing Detroit. They're like, this is what America's like. I mean, sure, it's still better than here. Pretty bad, though, too. Yeah, footblocker? I like footlocker. People wear shoes in Detroit?

I like how my Russian accent dips into like a finish. I know, shoes. You sound like you're about to start yodeling. Dude, that's the best guy, the guy and like family guy who's like, what is it, the half of, the guys who could almost speak English. It was like, dude, this girl totally made sex on my dick. Dude, I love Family Guy.

We were talking about that. It's still so funny. It's the best. I watched a couple new episodes I couldn't get into it. I'm not the biggest. I will say this. This last season, yes, but like it's like every other season's good. It's like they'll have shitty god-awful seasons and the next one you'll be like, oh, this is on par with every other episode. It's weird. But the thing with Sam Guy, though, is so

fast. So, like, if you don't like the joke at the beginning, it'll change quick. The problem is South Park is if a South Park episode is awesome. It's awesome all the way through. But if it sucks, it sucks all the way through. Because it's the same joke for 30 months. If you're not on board. Because they just keep compounding the same joke

and making it more and more ridiculous. So if you're not on board at the jump. South Park hits harder, but Family Guy hits more. Yeah. But that's on purpose. Yeah, exactly. Like, they're like, you know, so South Park, you know, they get you involved in the actual story.

So it's going to hit harder when they do something crazy. Yeah. Family guy's like Kim Jong-un shooting you with a submachine gun. Yeah. South Park's like Kim Jong-un shooting. you with a rocket long. Or like cutting your toe off for 30 minutes straight. Can you hold up higher on the mic, Alan? Okay. No, there you go. I'm just kidding. No, yeah. It's it. It's not even you. It's every single episode. There's like, if I was a listener, I, if you're, I am so thankful for you for you for still listening to this podcast. Because every episode I listen to it, I'm like,

this is horrible. Do you look at the analytics? Yes. We still got listeners, which I appreciate it. That's good. A lot. But I just, I listen to some episodes and I'm like, I'm so sharp, you know,

but I mean, it's just... What is this, like, episode 40-something? 329. I'm just kidding. He does a lot. He does doing a lot.

No, no, it's like 80. Oh, 80? Yeah, I'm not been doing it for over. Dude, I feel like if you have listeners at 80,

that's solid. Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point. After 50, like, there's, if anyone, like, people are either staying

or they're going, you know? Yeah. My also problem is the people suck. Like don't listen to the most recent shit. That's what's good. Yeah.

When I had a podcast for 20 minutes, I would take off like, I would put only the most recent like 10 episodes up and then start removing the old episodes. Oh, it's such a good idea. Yeah. Because first of all, I was like, one day down the line, people might be like, hey, do we have these? And I can be like, yeah, here's an archive that you can go to and pay for. Obviously, nobody would do that. But it forces people, yeah, to listen to like more recent. Because especially with pod, if the problem is you don't know, like if you don't know what a podcast is, you think it's like this sequential thing.

It's like, no, you should listen to the ones that are currently relevant. Yeah, I'm talking about what's going on my life. You don't want to hear me. Yeah. The funny, I can't listen to podcasts before COVID. It's so annoying. Yeah, man, everything's going. It's like, it's just a different world.

I can't. You're so fucking stupid. Like, everybody was so unintelligent. You're like, you have no idea how much everything's going to fucking change and everything's going to suck. Yeah. Fat old cock. Besides the first four months, I had a beautiful first four months of COVID.

I was in Florida just getting fucked up, kayaking every day, doing shows. Nobody else in the world is doing comedy. And I'm like, all right, I wrote two new jokes today. I'm going to perform them.

I'm the greatest comedian alive right now. Like all of May, nobody was doing comedy, but Florida was completely open. That's awesome. And I see all my friends in New York and apartment, like,

it's cool. We should not like that way. I'm like, you fucking pussy. Dude, I'm in Florida, living life. Rhode Island kind of did that too.

was nice. Oh, yeah. You just let a rip. Yeah. And they're like, yeah, we got four open mics a week now. Everyone's Boston like, you're killing my grandmother. Yeah. You're killing my grandmour.

Yeah. They're like, how about you just butt fuck my grandma in front of me right now? Because that's what you're doing. It is so funny, too, because I remember, like, there was that first, like, month where I'd be put on flyers and I'd tell the, like, you can't put me on flyers for shows because I will get fucking skewered by the New York comedy scene right now. Yeah. And I'm like, yes, a huge part of it is that they're not. doing shows. That is a giant part of it. It's like, I guarantee you if they're like, hey, you could do a spot.

It's just a jealousy because like they would do, dude, they would go on the subway and like hijack a subway like the one subway, like the one. Subway, Mike, I never did one. I'm proud to say I never did one. I did subway station, Mike. That's fine. No, it's not. No, it's fine. We should have all just quit this job completely.

It was the disaster. You know, like, there's a problem with comedy when like you have to share stage time with the people who like between Bedford Ave and first Ave are like flipping around on the Yeah. playing like old hip hop music. It's like, okay, they're much more entertaining than me just telling like three. Yeah, you want to see a nine-year-old do nine backflips in front of you?

And then we're going to be like, uh-da-do. By the way. Yeah, so, COVID. I did no online open mics. And I'm very proud of it. Yeah, I didn't do it. I just like that. Fuck that.

No Zoom mics, yeah. Same. My favorite people do Zoom mics when things were open. I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah. Dude, in Massachusetts, there's still some people doing the Zoom mics. That they should be sure. You're just mentally ill.

They're just mentally ill. Yeah, I don't know what to say. No, I've never, like, I've never masturbated on a, like, a webcam before. So I'm sure as hell not going to tell a joke on a webcam. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you're going to jack off first. Just like any bar. I've done both.

I would do Omega back in the day. What's that? Just me and some 80-year-old guy. Oh, you just rub them out? Well, it would be like, they'd be sexting, and it was just online. It was on Omega with, like, strangers. So they, but most of the time it's just other dudes jerking. It was like chat roulette, basically.

Yeah. But occasionally there would be like probably just a bot with her tits out. And I'd be like, that's a real girl. Meanwhile, my- A real woman. Yeah. But, uh, yeah, that was, uh, yeah, I used to. Omega was fun, dude.

When you're a kid and, like, you're on like a trip and you're like, dude, we're seeing hits. Yeah. My fear is, we had a friend with abs when he was like 10. Oh, that was the key. We were like, yo, yo, yo, you stand on there with abs. And then we'll wait until hot chicks show up and then we'll fucking. But I'm sure who's, who's, just 80 pedophiles, just like fucking...

That's mostly it. No, once they see abs, they're like, oh, he's old enough to work out. Ew. It's disgusting, yeah. I want to see an air belly. Do you remember when, like, kids would have air belly? Yeah, you can't do that thing where you go, like, on someone with ass.

That's probably their fucking slice of pie right there. They probably love thrace periods. Oh, yeah. That's so funny. That sounds like a zombie. Philophon if you do that. You're like farting through a hemorrhoids. Goddamn pedophiles.

They ruin the Cub Scouts. Yeah, that's just not a thing anymore. Which is a huge part of my child, not getting molested, but being in the boys' cats. It's also called the Cub Scouts. Yeah. They're scouting out young men. Yeah, as soon as they canceled the Cub Scouts, dude,

as soon as it happened, ice cream truck sales went up like 300%. Yeah. Mr. Dingling all over the place. The hilarious part of it is like, God damn, I got to coach basketball now. When I was a boy's cats, apparently one of the dads came on, because there was a concern that somebody was molesting somebody, obviously.

But the guy actually wasn't. But the whole concern was he was like, how about you guys go out there camping with your kids? No, I don't trust you with my kid. I don't trust you, the kids. That's why I go on the campouts. You can't complain. He's like, you can't complain that you're worried about your kid getting molested

when you're not going in the woods with him. Yeah, there's a fine line between a pedophile and a good father. Exactly. That was like kind of like one of Louis' bits, like in his new special. he was like, I'm just going to quote a Louis bit. He was like, I'm not saying the best, or he's like, I'm not saying all Scoutmasters are pedophiles. I might be saying the best ones.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because who else wants to fucking hang out with kids? No, it's weird, yeah. Yeah. But if you're a dad, yeah, I did it. And I would not tell girls I was in the Boy Scouts, but I would go do it on weekends. It was fun.

The first time I ever saw weed was in the Boy Scouts. Oh, really? Yeah, which is hilarious because, like, who the fuck's trying to fit in it, Boy Scouts? We're all fucking losers. But, um, Yeah, it was interesting. Like we,

did you do like the box car derby and stuff? No, that was Cubs. So I didn't do Cubs scouts. I like, I did just the Boy Scouts because it was good on a college application to become an Eagle Scout.

Like it looks like you did something. And I literally, everybody's like, you know how to build a fire thing? I literally had somebody else to build a fire for me. And I was like, I did it because like I,

the guy's looking at like 30 kids making fires. And I just had my friend do it. Because he's not going to stare at everybody and watch you do the whole thing. He's like, okay, you made a fire.

Yeah. No, this is the last thing he's concerned with. He's like, I'm never going to be on Survivor. So I think he'll be fine. And he's sitting around like, oh, you made a fire. That's good, Timmy. Yeah. He just gives him all the hot kids fucking.

Just the ones he likes the best. Yeah, you get your fire badge. It was a... No, Jimmy with the freckles. No, he's still working on. The first step to make you fire is you take your shirt on. The weird thing, it all too is I did Boy Scouts in Florida

which is so funny because listen I love Florida for the beach but it is disgusting you go to the woods in Florida just swamps yeah like we're just like behind like a 7-11 deep in some random fucking woods just trash everywhere and we're like isn't this beautiful you're like this is kind of disgusting yeah like the beach of Florida pretty but everything else

like the outdoors in Florida like you go to the woods in Florida is the worst fucking woods in the planet it's just fucking the squirrels in Florida look like they're on meth like skinny like haggard they're I'm amazed we didn't get like knifed by some meth head like living in the woods. It's like wild.

Like this is like every camp out was just fucking mud and like fucking or one got rained out because it rained so much in Florida. It's basically like tropical there. Yeah, there's no forest in Florida. No, there is but it's just swamp.

Like it's just a swamp. Swamp is like different than forest. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Like forest, you know. Yeah. Swamp. Yeah, it's fucking disgusting.

I remember one of a one time it got flooded. So people like the whole camps site got flooded because it's just raining and stuff. And everybody's like tense got like soaked and shit and like people were really, some guy woke up like floating on an air. air mattress, like above in the water.

Dude, nothing is worse camping than like realizing you stayed in a tent and you just hear like the little bit of rain starting. You're like, why the fuck did we do this the first place? I did do the surviving in the woods thing, which is horrible. Because like you have to make a hut out of like

what's called like a mulch and stuff like that. And you realize all of that, everything was just filled with bugs. Like everybody would be like, I made the coolest hut. They come out with like fucking four fucking. caterpillars on them and they're like, this is fucking disgusting, like beetles everywhere. Yeah, I feel like New York, like, I'm from upstate New York, so

everyone was doing boys guys. But that's a beautiful outdoors. It's gorgeous. Yeah. Honestly, you go Georgia above, great. Like, we have a family house in Tennessee. Beautiful in the woods. But Florida woods is just fucking gross. Yeah. Yeah. Florida is the only place like that. Maybe like

Louisiana. Yeah, Louisiana too. It's like a similar, yeah. Dude, Louisiana has the animals too. What do they got? They have like Possa, and it's probably honestly the same thing as Florida, but like... Yeah, you didn't say anything that cool. You got possed raccoons, fucking... Gators? You guys got gators in Florida.

We have tons. I got an argument to people. Because people are like, people think that if you're in the water swimming a gator, we'll just like eat you a lot. It's like it won't. Like, you just can swim in gators, you'll probably be fine. But it's like people also... Like, I know more people who've been bit by sharks than gators. Really? No, not, sorry. I've heard of more people being fed by sharks.

Like our beach we go to is called the Shark Bike Capital in the world. It's called Newsomer on Beach. Wow. But it's still not as often as you think. It's like maybe once a year probably, I would guess. Somebody gets bit by a shark. Dude, gators freak me out. But so do sharks.

Yeah, gators don't freak me out because I just know, I'm like, all right, they're probably not going to go and just bite you. Like, you're a baby. You're fucked. Like, they eat babies 100%. I think happened at like Disney, right? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, that's a bad look for Disney.

Yes, it is. They can't spin that off into any. Thank God they don't have an alligator cartoon. That would be if they had like a Mickey Mouse, but if I'm an alligator. How fucked up would it would be if they made one now? based on a true story Hey, I'm Alan the Alligator They don't even work on the name

They don't even work on the name like we'll call him Al Yeah, I'll be fucking so sick of this company He eats babies get in line for the ride Sick of the Marvel nerds fucking tweeting at us Fuck you Fuck you, I hate this job This is baby eating out Did you go to Disney World?

So we go to Universal thing I've been jerked off in Universal It's like that would my childhood because you get you get a hundred or ninety five dollars. Did she have a King Kong hand on? I'm also glad that you know what Universal owns because that's accurate.

They actually do. You know licensing. I'm a movie guy. Yeah, yeah. But they fucking like. It made my penis feel very small. I like that. It's humiliating.

He said, I'm going to rescue you from this building. She ties your penis up for a bunch of people to fucking worship. Yeah. She puts a little wig, little wig on it. A little blonde wig. That was the most fun shit

Because how it works is that's the only place you could be away from your parents It's like when I was probably like 10 to like 15 They just drop you off there for like 10 hours Yeah It'd be sick because like I remember you get Seasonal Pass was 95 bucks So seasonal pass just meant to the end of that year So if you buy at the beginning of the year

You could go as many times Yes And your parents would be like I don't want to fucking deal with my kid all day I'll drop them off at fucking Universal That's awesome It wasn't that often but I'd probably go like five times in a year. That's great.

And my buddy had him and it was fucking awesome. I remember one time we were like, I got jerked off one time there, which was fucking great. It was like in the Jurassic Park area. And like the music was literally, it was like, dun,

dun, done, and just some girls gave me some shitty 15 year old. I was 15 too, but hand job. Yeah. Actually,

I think it was 14. So, yeah. Yeah, pretty fucking cool. That's another 14 or 25. I can't remember. I wanted to two.

But she was definitely 50. Yeah. But we fucking, I remember what time we went. They don't get any better on. that, huh fellas? Anyways. We went one time and we were like, I think we were like probably all 14, it's like eighth grade

and there was these girls that were like 20 but they were shit faced and they were like, yeah, we should fucking hang out of you guys. They were hot and shit. And we're like, yeah, we're fucking 14. They're like, we don't give it shit, let's fucking hang out. So we're just hanging out like, I don't think we were banging him. We're just like holding hands with them, but like, we were 14 walking out at a theme park with some 20 year old

with like huge tits and we're like, this is awesome. And then they're like, technically you guys are underage, but if we get more alcohol, then we have an excuse to hook up with you guys. And I remember, so we're like, I was like, fuck yeah. Chicks are so cool. Yeah, I know.

At the time, I was like, this is awesome. So I took a fucking t-shirt and I threw it over like a, I stole alcohol like from there. I was one of the only things I saw, I saw like a couple Kynikins. And then they sobered up and just like left us immediately. It was just so funny because we're not going about to fucking. Yeah, that's like being a werewolf and coming back down to human. You're like, what have I done? Yeah, yeah.

Like, probably five hours. We're just going on rides with these chicks taking pictures. Then we're like, this is fucking awesome, dude. Eighth grade is the shit. documenting all of the atrocities. And I remember I texted the girl one time because I was like, I think I don't know if I sexed her later because that must have been weird because I sexed her.

I think the funny person I lied in it and I was like, yeah, we're 15. And she was still like, I think she may have been 18 or 19 because I remember they couldn't buy alcohol because they went to like, hey, mistered like a grown man. He's like, I'm an off-duty cop. And they're like, never mind. He's not going to buy alcohol from here. But one of the girls said she'd give me a blumpkin.

I didn't know what it was. Oh, my God. Oh, really? And I looked it up and I was like, hell yeah. But maybe, listen, maybe she was just fucking with me. I like how you looked it up and you're like, yes. Not like, what? But it's also so funny because looking back at my head, I'm like, maybe she was just

fucking around with her friends. It's like, I'm going to lead on this 15 year old. But now I think about it, I'm like, that's weird. If it's an adult you say you're going to give somebody a blumpkin. Oh, yeah. Have you been on a Veloccoaster? It's like new there. No, I haven't.

Dude. Have you been? It's the, I went this past summer with like all my friends and stuff. Dude, it's like, it's the best roller, coaster I've ever been on in my life. It's fucking incredible. You sound very passionate about it. Dude, I love it. Dude, I was on 150 milligrams of edibles. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. 150 milligrams of Delka 8. That's fucking crazy. My friends took maybe 30 milligrams and were

losing their minds. I'm a super human when it comes to like edibles. And like I'm on that thing. And I, dude, it was the fucking time of my life. And then I did it like more sober. after still awesome. It's one of those things like where like the thing comes back to the station and everyone's like clapping. Oh, hell yeah. Like,

they're just like blown away. And I remember one of my friends who was just so ripped like he was standing in front of me in line and he's heard them clapping. And he just like spun around to me and his eyes were like shut. And he's like, oh, it's a clapper. You know, we'll say this. From my experience, maybe it's different. I think people actually like working universal.

My experience there, they actually look like they're having fun at their job for the most part. As opposed to Disney? Yeah, I don't know. My experience at Disney's feel like they're kind of faking it and some people aren't having fun. But Universal, like, maybe every time I went there, I just seemed like everybody was actually having fun. Well, which one's the more godless corporation? I think Disney. Yeah, yeah.

And Disney is all like, I don't know, it's too fake. Like, the fact that it's all like childy, it's creepy to me. It's like, we're kids all my life. And Disney's like, Universal is like, fuck that shit, dog. We got fucking Spider-Man. Like, it's like slightly above being childish. It's still childish. I follow a girl on Instagram, and all she ever...

There's a woman, I should say. Hold a pedophile talker. She'd be clear. It was a woman. She's like, you know, 35 or something. But all this woman posts are pictures of her at Disneyland. And, like, fucking pictures promoting her only fans. That's a funny answer.

Yeah. And I'm always thinking to myself, if she had Twitter, she could just fucking tweet, I got molested once. somebody would get sex. You ever follow, like, a porn star on Twitter? It's so funny because, like, I'm right. I followed. I didn't follow him, but I was just going through her shit. And I was like, what's going on here?

There's a video that's hot. That's fun. And then there's just like a George Floyd video. It's like, we need to stop this. And I'm like, I get, you want to use your platform, but it's very hard for me to watch this and this at the same time. And then like, the next thing is like another black teenager getting shot. I'm like, listen, I support the message, but not the message is you got what I'm saying. We shouldn't kill people because they're raised.

kill George Floyd. That's not what I was saying. But it's just like, it's like so mixed, it's like braided into like her face getting combed on and stuff. Yeah. I mean, if it's not a plot point of the movie, I don't really care.

Yeah, if she wants to do help, make a George Floyd themed porn. You know what, to be fair, I haven't seen cops in porn in the last year at all. Like, I feel like we kind of realize we're like, yeah, you should probably take this out. Yeah, I can't breathe because that dick is so big.

That'll be the clip I put out the episode. I was nervous about that. I remember, it's so funny because, like, it shows how fucking self-centered I am as a comic. When all that stuff happened, I went to protest, whatever. No, I mean, I hand out water balls. I barely did anything. But my thing was, I was like, I really hope we could still make joke. I was so

concerned. I was like, are we going to be able to joke about a fucked up shit after this? And that's why I was happy. I got back to New York. I was like, okay, everybody still making a joke about it. I mean, well, not everyone, but... Yeah. They haven't made any of my favorite movies since then, too. I love a the cop, like a one-man cop army, like a cop who plays by his own rules. Oh, yeah.

Now, like, yeah, we don't want to play by his own rules. Yeah, follow the rules. Like, that's the whole problem, actually. Is Dolph Lundron doing that? Yeah, yeah, that is a big issue. You watch those movies now, it's just crazy. Yeah, yeah, it's like, yeah, the interrogation scenes, just like drowning a guy. You're like, yeah, you know, maybe less of this.

That was the whole joke in a cop-out. He's like, this is police brutality. They're like, not yet. And they drag him behind a car. It was Sean William Scott, so it was kind of fun, but you're like, wait, this is a weird message for us to be promoting. There's a movie called Out for Justice starring Steven Seagall. He plays a cop, and he doesn't arrest one person in the whole movie for two hours. There's not one scene of him putting a guy in cuffs and putting him in the back of a cruiser.

All he's doing is beating the shit out of people and killing them. That's a whole movie. I noticed people kind of are cool with cops and movies as long as they're not wearing a uniform. Like a detective, all of a sudden, they're like, oh, yeah, he's not a cop. Yeah, detectives are, like, praise, but they're also the weirdos who are, like, sneaking around and, like, just pulling their gun out at every situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Does that mean if a cop, when he was going to shoot a black guy, just put on a suit and tie,

it wouldn't be on CNN? Yeah, I mean, in theory, this is detective. So, it's out. This is detective, Chauvin. He's actually investigating some important matters. He's got a clip on. and a cheap duster. They did make Commissioner Gordon Black this time

and we kind of were a little more comfortable with it. I feel like everybody. Did they? Did you see the new Batman? Yeah, yeah. I liked it. Didn't love it, but I liked it. Is it too long, do you feel like? Because I always think three-hour movies are too long. A little bit. I think my only thing with it is he's very autistically. He doesn't show emotions, but then somebody brought up

the point they're like, well, maybe that's just what he's doing. Maybe this new Batman would be an autistic guy. I'm like, that's fair, but it's also hard for him to like, I like seeing him angry. I don't like the idea of an autistic Batman. No. A Joker could defeat him with a rough towel.

Loud noises. Eye contact and a hot. Yeah, just leaving a Rubik's cube in front of a bomb. I gotta do this. Well, somebody said that about the Riddler. Somebody's here, like, because Riddler's clearly autistic in this. Like, it's like, you know, it's like

that kind of guy. They're like, oh, no, this is like so bad to autistic people that the Riddler. Fucking hate that shit so much. They were doing that with James Bond They were like It's wrong to have Bond villains be so disfigured It casts a bad shadow on people with accidents Like the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah Yeah Like what are seriously Like it just looks cool That's it yeah yeah Like I mean seriously My grandma had a guy with an eye patch At his funeral and I was like

This is so fucking cool I didn't know who he was Like that's badass How did he lose that? Also no one looks like that either It's like all right Half the guy's face is made a diamonds It's unfair

It's unfair to people of diamond faces. What the fuck you're talking about? Dude, if I watch a James Bond movie, there's like a few things that got to happen. One, he's got to fucking a girl, fuck a girl aggressively that's like borderline me too. But just thus proving

that women like to be me too. This is your thing that you guys are saying the movie. Number two, the bad guys all have to be from a different country. Yeah, yeah, that's key. That's the most important part. Because now we're losing our patriotism

in this country. Because we're just fighting amongst ourselves, dude. Captain America's Civil War? You're telling me Captain America can't take down ISIS? I thought you were saying Captain America, so you thought it was going to be a Civil War movie? You're like, all right, let's go fucking South, baby. Robert E. Lee, let's fucking get this.

Marvel Civil War. We know what side Black Panthers on, definitely the Union. The new Marvel Civil War is going to be people who want to wear masks, people who don't. It's going to be Antifa. It's going to be Antifa versus the Proud Boys. I shared something about Proud Boys. I got no likes on it.

I thought it was so funny. So the leader of the Proud Boys, he's like, he's this Latino guy, right? He's got like sunglasses on, like a bulletproof vest. He's smoking a cigarette. And he's wearing like eight years. So like this guy fits perfectly on the G.I. Joe retaliation poster. But nobody fucking liked, which is fair. Nobody liked it.

The head of the Proud Boys is a Latino. Yeah. Yeah. And the head of Black Hives Matter. is pretty white dude. What's his name's Sean? He's technically black, but he looks whiter

than the head of the proud boys. Sean King or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's head of Black Lives Matter? Not Sean Kingston. They're different guys. I know. Sean.

Yo, way to be beautiful. I know Sean King. Wait, please don't. They're going to kill me. I don't know who you guys are talking about. Who's Sean Kingston? I don't know. Sean Kingston.

I don't listen to a lot of reggae. My dad, that song, somebody called 911 one of his favorite song. Shorty fire. turning on that dance floor. Is your dad like a bar mitzvice for DJ? I wish, dude. My dad is, like, he likes, like, old school, like, woodstocky bands.

Like, Bob Dylan. Does he like Acon? I feel like we... He doesn't even know who Acon is. But how does he know who Sean Kingston is? That's the same genre, like a foreign guy who has... It popped on the radio one day. That's also awesome.

This is it. I like that, like, Acon and Sean, where's Sean Kingston from? I think he's from, like... Jamaica, probably. Yeah, yeah. Probably Kingston, Jamaica. I like how the rappers who are from third world countries will come here and rap about having fun.

Like, A-Con is like, I'm in the club with the ladies having a good time. He's from a horrible, like, very tough part of the world. And he's rapping about that. But then somebody who's like from, I don't know, like outside of Atlanta is like singing about the hardships of life. Which, I mean, I agree. It's probably like Gucci, one of my favorite rappers,

raps about being from the streets. But it's just funny that like somebody from like the third world is like, yeah, yeah, let's get the fucking party going. Let's get some lights going on. They have lean here. This is fucking sad. Yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah, different musical needs.

That actually kind of makes sense. Because when everyone's happy around you, you want some emo music playing because maybe you're not happy. Right. Yeah. But, like, if your life is that horrible where you have to eat a dog every now and then to survive, you want to hear some people clubbing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that still is, like, I've been to the third world, like, I didn't see it as much in Haiti, but, like, I remember I was in, like, kind of rougher parts of Costa Rica. And people were still, like, clubing in a sense.

Like, their club is, like, in a tin roof. like dancing, but people are dancing more in third world countries. It seems like than they are here. Yeah. I love how I'm basing this off of two vacations I went on. They're having fun. One of it was a mission trip, but I don't know. I didn't do a lot. A mission? To Haiti. Yeah, I was not. Wow. So you could say you're a missionary, dude. I guess. All right. It's pretty good. I didn't do a lot. I don't know. Everything good I've done is not a lot. You always want to say you did something good. It's hard, dude. It's hard to do good. Do you guys have any time constraints, by the way, because I'm having a great. I don't have to be anywhere. Do you guys have to do you? I don't think so. I don't

I don't know. I'm just getting more and more congestive. Dude, same. I was just going to have to like periodically you know, make a little move over there to the paper towel. Nothing like blowing your nose into a paper towel. Oh, it's beautiful. I'm going to grab some water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you, what's the where have you traveled as far as places? Dude, like nowhere. Really? Literally nowhere. Outside of the country, the only place I've been is Quebec and it was for space camp. Oh, hell yeah. No, it's not.

Did you want to be an ashton? I wanted to be an astronaut. And then I saw how shitty is in the pod. I would freak out immediately. No, I could have done it, dude. I'm really good in tight spaces, dude. Hell yet. Hence, uh, Alan's mom's ass.

Oh, there we go. My mom's dead. His mom's dead. So now has a loose ass, I would guess. Now it's a dusty ass. This way, I've already talked about this. I was thinking about this later. I was in a graveyard recently.

And, all right. I've been mourning, my friend. It's a, I'm going through a lot of shit. But I went there. And I saw, I was so creeped out. I'm like, the fact people go here and have sex with dead bodies is crazy

because I'm scared to just walk around. Somebody bangs the dead body and then goes to sleep fine that night. They're like, yeah, I guess I'm not going to be haunted. Honestly, they go to sleep well. They sleep very well. That's bizarre to me that you have that comfort of, you have to be such an atheist.

There's no way you can be. Yeah, there can't be a god and also some sweet snatch in the bottom of the coffin. There's no way. I like to fuck like school shooters and shit like when they're dead because no one fucked them when they were alive.

So I feel like, all right, well, in death you're getting it every night, big guy. I love the tone shifts in my podcast per episode. I'll have different comics on and we won't talk about

anything like this. And I have you guys on it and I have a blast every time but I always say the most horrific shit and it's fun. It's a great time. Saying horrific stuff is really, really fun.

Because it's so annoying to think fucked up shit and not say it and then somebody says if you're like, I can believe you'll tell you that thing. It's like, are you not thinking weird shit too?

all the time. You don't actually do who fucked up things but it's like you don't what I mean you see somebody walk down the street there's the thought

of like throwing them in a trade you don't actually want to do it everybody has these crazy thoughts also I feel like the more you think about this stuff the less that like you would actually take any action

like I feel like we know the disconnect in comedy where it's like you're suspending your belief of real world and real ideals and you're like

let's just have a fucking party exactly what everything goes and like the people who don't understand that I've never been able, like, I've never got it, like, you know, like, there's some people who

just everything that comes out of everyone's mouth is, like, literal. And they don't get you either. Yeah, they do not. You know, understand what's going on. But the funny thing is, like, I can, like, comedians, we know when to, like, turn it off. Some of us. Yeah, know, like, how to turn it off and be like, oh, this is a

normal person. Let me not say anything about, you know, like... I'm getting worse and worse than that as the years go by. Like, I told, like, I just hang out with comics now, so when I of someone who's in a comedian. That's true. It's like, hey, hey, doing. Oh, sports.

Yeah, sports are good. Yeah. I don't know anything about sports. That shit's so hard for me. But it does get fucking annoying because, like, especially like, I don't know. That's why I was hyped for his last funeral I went to. My friends were fucking cool as shit. So I'm like, oh, we actually had a good time.

We made some jokes here and there. We actually had, like, we're all going through fucking horrible. It was a horrible funeral. But at the end of the day, you're like, oh, man, it's cool that I'm around people that can be real and not fucking be all weird about it because you mentioned. Yeah. The worst thing is when people get fucking. and uncomfortable about porn shit

when you're talking about sex on stage like dude don't we all watch massive amount everybody watches so much fucking fucking yeah you watched a gang bang before you ate a bagel for breakfast

and then you're gonna go out through your day pretending like oh I'm not wrong yeah it's like we all just everybody has to understand that we're all the same it's not like a taboo thing anymore watch like we're just like we don't know but we're the most disgusting people

we have no idea this is normal that's it and loki we're just the scumbags of the earth dude I'm writing erotic literature. Really? Yeah. Is that... Are you supplementing that for the lack of porn? Yeah.

Yeah. No, well, I haven't watched porn. I need to blow my nose. Can you talk louder? I'm going to bathroom. I haven't watched porn in like 54 days or whatever. So I've been reading it. And, dude, I got to say for anyone out there, any one of these listeners,

reading porn is so much better than watching it. sometimes I like ones of like It's still cuckold porn But he's just reading it It's still cuckold Uh No dude I like

I like the incest ones The like uh The like the hot step mom Hot aunt or whatever Every once in a while Like massaging grandma's juicy breasts Because her doctor told her I had to do it

That kind of thing It's fucking It's dude it's good I'm glad to admit it Because porn hub is 97% of that shit And everyone's like So weird that that's on there, right?

No one will ever admit. It's like, yeah, obviously someone's watching it. Dude, I was team incest porn from day watch. Same. Same. So you're, you're big into it too? Big into it, like it's like a, I like, I like, I like, I like it's, I like, I know they're all actors.

So I'm not like, oh, wow, what is this? Yeah. Yeah, that's why it doesn't, like, bother me. I can watch it. Yeah, yeah. You know, but it's not like, it sounds like, I'm able to watch. Yeah. I can tough it out.

Yeah, yeah. I'm able to watch it. Yeah, do you know, I actually, before we even left today, I watched three hours of gay porno. Three hours of just, yeah. Just trying to learn about the culture. No, no, no, I'm a Christian and someone's going to judge him, you know what I'm saying? And by the way, I'm not alone. There were 32 million views on that porno.

So there's a lot of Christians going, hey, you knocked that off. There's a lot of us. Shame on you. Shame on your back. Shame on the side of your face. upper lip. Shame running down your chip. Oh, yeah. That is the funniest thing to be the people that actually care that gay dudes are banging.

It's so funny to me. I'm like, why do you fucking get in the hell? I don't know what, like, I've been complimented by gay guys. Like, yeah. And it's like borderline harassment. It feels very nice. It does, doesn't it? Yeah, it feels really nice.

It's really good. Ladies. Take note. Take note. Ladies would be like, oh, your arm looks nice. It's like, fucking tell me. me about my dick. Yeah.

The only time it weirded me out was one time this guy went under my shirt after a show and like sort of much. This area is the most ticklish area too right between your belly and your leg. And he tickled you? You just kind of like and I was like, and I was like, all right man.

And the guy was like, it was so funny because he was the most bro. You guys like, dude, fucking sick set, bro. Dude, your jokes are fucking lit and shit, bro. And then just like goes in there. I was like, all. That's enough. No, thank you.

Is he from Philly? Nah, I don't know. That's just how all bro. I mean, it's how I kind of talk. But yeah. That's the difference between men and women. All the me-toeing up until penetration is like, oh, that's so nice of you, but no thank you.

I'm glad. I had a guy that offered to suck my dick like a couple weeks ago, and he was like a homeless guy. He's like, kind of suck your dick for gosh. I was like, I'm sorry, no, thank you. And I was like, why? I'm apologizing to him for not letting him play with my penis for cash. I'm like, no, thank you, sir.

Wow, dude, that's... Looks like you're going to have to buy that butterfinger, all right? Yeah. You know what's terrifying, too? So I have this homeless guy who always stares at me. and I'm always like, oh, he's not going to do anything, so I'm not worried about it. And yesterday, he just socked some guy in the face for no reason.

And then I'm like, God damn it, that's actually scary. Because a lot of them are like, this guy's just crazy or whatever. The dude's huge. So, like, he, the other day was just staring at me like this. And I go, hey, what's up? What's all the man? You good? He goes, just rolls his eyes, but stares at me.

And I'm like, I'm at the point where I'm interacting with so many homeless people. I'm like, whatever, he's probably not going to do anything. And then somebody's like, yeah, yesterday he just clocks him for a dude for zero reason. I'm like, God, damn it. Now I have to actually worry. Now I've built a relationship with him too where he's like, oh, that guy's crazy enough to interact with me.

So I'll interact with him. There's that like weird relationship. Call the police on the guy. I was talking to Derek Drescher on the last episode, which will probably come out later on this because I got to edit some things out. But like his views on women. We all know. But what was it saying?

Apparently the bail reform thing is like if you can't, they let you out immediately for shit like that. Like this homeless guy assaulted somebody at Cafe Reggio and then he was out in an hour. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. That's so crazy. I was telling Alan.

Derek's been in prison, dude. So he's like, yeah, no, I'm an ex-con and bail reform is bad. Like, whatever the... Derek's like, I'll fucking hit a homeless guy. Like, dude, that's so valiant of you. But the other night, I was at this pizza place at 3rd in St. Marks, and I was with a couple people. And this homeless guy comes in and starts, like, asking for money table to table. He comes up to our table.

And he's like, excuse me. He's like, I just really want to kill myself. Can you guys give me some money? I know this guy, yep. And then we're like, no, we don't have anything. He pulls a knife out and holds it to his neck. And he's like, I swear to fucking God, I'll do it. Like, whatever.

And we're like, no. But dude, me instinctively, I was like, dude, this guy might just, like, he's got a knife out. Like, he could just stab one of us. Yeah, yeah. But that's so funny that he didn't realize. Why don't you just rob you guys? I don't know. He's like, I've been to kill my.

Because, like, I've seen this guy before, by the way. I don't know if it's the same guy. Is he like an old black dude? Maybe? Yes. Okay. It's not racist because it's just who he was. It's not racist because that's who he happens to be.

He happens to be, yes. Also put a lot of homeless people. Is he a mustache? You know, I don't remember. He has a blade. Maybe he shaved it off with the blade. That's true. But there's this guy who goes around,

granted he feels a lot of time. He goes, can I have $20? I'm going to kill myself if you don't give me $20. And I've seen him do it where he will lay in the street. I've seen that before. Yeah. I think I've seen that guy. It might be the same guy.

Yeah, because I don't know. But this guy, it's funny because I was like, at first I've given him money before, and I've seen him lay in the street and say, and walk to an ATM with somebody while they withdraw $40. This guy's making more per hour than me. Yeah. $40 an hour. Yeah.

And I talk about killing myself on stage. Yeah, I think he's just shameless. Like, that's all it is. That's a courage we need to be good comics. We've got to take that same mindset. I will kill myself if you guys don't laugh at these next shows. Yeah. And people will laugh and some will cry.

Yeah. But, hey, a response is a response. Exactly. That's all you want. And that's the hard part, too, because it's like, part of you're like, oh, maybe I could give this guy money, and he wouldn't kill himself. But you're like, all right, at some point, you're like,

I can't just give everybody. At some point, this guy's just got to kill himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, you're rewarding really shitty behavior. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, yeah, you're using suicide to do that. Yeah, so, I mean, so what if more homeless guys? Like, oh, that's a good one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is just so funny to have a knife and threaten to hurt yourself for cash. It's like, you could so easily just be like, give me the fucking money. you fucking bitch. And then you get the money. Then he gets known for robbing people. He wants to be known for wanting to kill himself all the time.

I mean, it's better than robbing people. That's true. That's true. Yeah. Maybe it's more effective, too. Maybe people are like, no. Yeah. You can't rob me.

I don't know, dude. Maybe I think he should use a better method. That would just stands next to a train and you're about to hop in and be like, I'm going to hop in front of his train. You're going to be late to work. And give me the money. Yeah. I would give him everything I own to not be late.

I just don't take the train anymore. Do you? I fucking city bike everywhere. I got the year pass. Oh, really? Because I was paying per ride, which is kind of annoying.

Because, I mean, I'm literally in the same bubble. I go to Greenwich Village and I come back. That's everything. I am trying to do more tiny cupboard stuff now and I'll hop the turnstile and go to Brooklyn. But like, I'm like, I don't want to pay for the monthly metro because I just don't use it

enough to like. Yeah. And I hate it. I hate fucking going on the train. I always get into some shit with somebody trying to fuck with me. It's been dangerous lately too. Yeah. Ever since this whole, believe it or not, this defund the police thing.

It's not getting started. Let's not get started. I don't know. I don't know. Is that though? Because I lived here before. I don't think there's any like, I honestly think it's a little bit of that. I think it's a little bit.

The pandemic has been wrong. Like murder numbers are like have went up to when people, like it's. But there's always a thing. There's always, it always feels like there's attention and you might have to step into some situation. There also needs to be balanced. So it's like, I'm in Florida and the cops there are way too over the top in the sense that like they'll break up.

high school parties and like yell at some 15 year old kid for like an hour. Yeah. And then arrest him. Even though she's 20, I know it's fucking awesome and you're at Universal. Yeah. But it's like that that'll happen there and like all the time we get in trouble cops and we'd be like fuck the cops because they don't give a, we live in like suburban Florida like a nice neighborhood. Yeah. And every, they had nothing to do. So they'll constantly just be harassing people for the dumbest shit. But there was like a dad who like drove home and they made them like one time I was actually walking home for my house

and this cop goes, get on the ground and face that house. I was like, this is my house. and he goes, get on the ground and face the house. And I was like, what the fuck, dude? This is my fucking house. And I sit there and he was like, yeah, somebody was, you guys ran down the street. And my dad, like, was yelling at this cop. He's like, get off my property. And, like, really, really got in the guy's way.

But then here, it's like, I was at the pair last night. And there's just hammered guy starting shit, said the N-word to a bouncer. It's like, shit-faced, falling on his face, trying to fight people. All this shit, the cops are like, yeah, I don't know. it's like at some point you have to like you know what I mean it's like there's a balance between like doing too much and doing nothing like there's this other guy that guy that blocks the street with the barricade yeah yeah the cops are like gonna stop him from doing that and then like nine kids just pull out their phones and they're like and I'm like all right you're just trying to it's like I do understand it's like those cops my thing is they should have body cams that that should be what it is every single one of them yeah every single cop yeah I mean yeah we stopped doing that we stopped figuring like we stopped doing obvious shit like that Yeah, yeah. We were like, okay, well, never mind the body cam.

Should we have police at all? It's like, all right, let's just focus on the body cams for now. Yeah, yeah, that's a very... God, let's just focus on the body cams. I would love to see just like a social worker talking to like... Sir, can you please move the barricade? Fuck you. I lost my dog!

Yeah, sir. Dude, he... Yes, I get... Pull your pants up and please remove the barricet. Sir, there are toilets indoors. Sir? There's one helmet. this guy, he speaks like nine languages.

The guy knows Arabic, he knows French, he knows Spanish, he knows Hebrew, he knows everything. Why doesn't he have a fucking child? Yeah, that was the scary thing. He went to call it, I don't know, I mean, because I think he's going to get schizophrenia. Ah, still.

That's true. Still, if you have schizophrenia, dude, I'm like... That's how he knows all those languages. All of his personalities are just like from different regions. There's got to be some company, some multinational banking company who's like, we could use that guy, put him in a padded room and fucking just give him a headset. Like, he can have.

help us. Yeah. If anything, that would be great for like annoying people who are calling the bank, just having a schizophrenic

guy losing their mind now. Like, all right, I'll just call back later. The car's gonna be with the people, bring to Mars. Yeah, that is so,

so people just overlook completely, though. It's like, they're like, the homeless problem. It's like, dude, so many of them

have severe schizophrenia. And I don't even think we're close to figure it. Dude, it's almost all mental illness. Like three years ago, it's like, this is such a,

the drugs they use for schizophrenia, Orphrenia or horror. Like, they need to do more research and figure something fucking out because it's like the worst mental illness possible in my mind. I think it's worse you to be.

And it's also like, it's like the medicine you get for it just makes you a fucking zombie. Like my friend would take it and he'd be like, hey man. Yeah, lithium, right? That's like all they give them. Just try to kill their brain basically.

Yeah, and it's like you gotta do some research. And it's like, if it comes up in conversation, I never even think about it. And then you're like, oh no, this is like something. I guarantee you like half the fucking shit that goes on with like people getting just assaulted in public just some schizophrenic guy, just punching somebody in the family.

Oh yeah, mental illness, also, like, drug addiction, that's almost all of it. Yeah, and I think you combine the two, because it's like, if you just have schizophrenia, maybe you won't attack a stranger, but you get drunk and have schizophrenia, you're going to punch your imaginary friends, and that's going to happen to be a woman with walking her dog. And she's going to be Chinese, which is a big no-no. I feel like a lot of these hate crimes have not been talking right out of my ass. I feel like a lot of the Asian hacribs have just been a crazy person, and they've happened to punch somebody who's Chinese. Yeah, they're like, they didn't even realize they were Chinese.

they thought they were like a hobbit or something. Yeah, it's like a lot of it, yeah. It's funny with the whole stop Asian hate. That when they do yell shit, that's very fair. If they yell, like, chink or something, it's like, all right, that's very clearly a hate crime. Yeah, they knew. Yeah, don't make it obvious, dude. No, it's kind of weird being a white guy because, like, it's like, all right, we got to tell people to stop.

Like, it's your job to tell people to stop Asian hate. But it's also your job to pretend it's not mostly black people doing it. Yeah. It is such a hard thing to deal with because, like, It's, you try to have, any time the conversation comes up, I'm not trying to be racist, but it is all black on Asian crime. I had two black comics that they were talking about it, it's like, yeah, no, it's, it's, it's hard. But honestly, like, the whole stop Asian, that lost all, all of the wind, right? There's no wind in the, in those sales anymore.

Yeah, I mean, because, well, you look at the, you know, what's happening to black people, they're being shot in the streets as opposed to, I didn't get into Harvard. Yeah. It's like, oh. The spa thing was that was kind of fucked up. But then apparently that one wasn't like, apparently he just shot up a spa and it just happened to be. I don't know what the story with that was. I heard the guy was like a weird horny guy.

It seemed very similar to the pole shooting where like the guy is into something and then he takes it out and just kills a bunch of random people. Yeah. And if you're shooting up a spa, it's a 98% chance. It's full of Asian. Right. Yeah. I hate to profile, but those Asian spas.

Mostly Asian. I'm not trying to stereotype That's what yeah And it's like now you can be part of a larger conversation To be like hey you know we need to fix this Economic issue in the country so people don't have you know all these things But to just be like stop it's so funny to say stop this hate Because it's like nobody who's attacking Asians is like

No way really I should fucking not They're not on Instagram It's amazing They're on crack It's amazing all yeah Like you were saying oh well we have to stop this economic issue from happening It's like all these people are like oh I got the solution to our problem. We have to just do something impossible.

Yeah, that's a good point. Just no one is allowed to be poor anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's simple. We solved it. Yeah, yeah. No more mental illness, no more drug addiction, just no more poverty. Bang. So, guys, we're doing it. I love how the first 80% of this podcast was jokes, and we get into police reform.

You know what? And hate crimes. That's why I didn't want to get into it because like, like, you know, it's like, I've got an idea. I'm going to figure it out, you know. It's just very, what's the word I'm looking for? Gay? No, most of the time, that's what I'm looking for. But just the idea that, you know, we have things figured out as silly. Yeah, yeah, there's no.

Yeah. I mean, obviously, I mean, there are things like when murder rates, like, go up exponentially and you've decreased the police force, it's like, okay, there's kind of an obvious correlation there. Yeah. And also, like, if it's mostly, it's mostly black people feeling the brunt of this, or mostly people who live in the inner city who feel a brunt of this. Right. Yeah, yeah.

So you feel like you should be able to be like, well, real quick, this is affecting our, you know, our most vulnerable citizens and that's the one we're trying to protect with all this stuff. So maybe I could, no, no, you're right. I'll just shut up. No, I was looking at you. I was like, that's what you think. No, no. I was doing it.

No, no, I'm saying like, that's what you think in your head when everyone keeps looking at you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because that's the hard part. It's like, you literally just clarified all. that within two seconds. Because, like, you can't be like, it's so funny because everybody's like, oh, you're racist, you want to fund the police? It's like, no, we're actually trying to help certain neighborhoods that have an issue.

Sometimes you can't ignore things. And you see just white people have all had amazing lives, like, oh, we just need a ban the police, we'll fix this at all. It's like you've never needed the cops. Yeah, ever, yeah. Ever. Yeah, yeah. Like, like, but now it's happening. Now every NYU student's just getting socked by somebody high on

crap. By the way, I'm pro that, dude. Yes. Oh, absolutely. I will go ahead and see. I fucking. hate you nor fucking retarded you know me and why I thought

the worst you didn't let me in no I'm well it's good that they're having a problem now they might have a sense of humor

and stop fucking bitching at us at a cold shows I I NYU students I hate with a fiery passion

not all of them but just the fucking like they always have like I don't know what the shoes are but like I don't hate

I don't hate the specific thing it just all adds up so you have like those leather shoes that are like nice, but you dress like this weird, nice,

slash poor, everybody kind of looks like Timothy Sholome. Yeah. And I hate them. It's just, like, in New York, so it's expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like what, like, it's like when rich people. And the kids all dress poor because they're trying to be cool. But like, you can look right through them.

You're like, I can tell, I'm not a tough guy at all, but you can't go to that school unless, like, you are filthy, rich and connected. Yeah. Yeah. It just doesn't happen. I took a summer class there, so. Filthy rich. No, but that's not the same.

Yeah, it's like that was way cheap. No, you can't afford to go there for four or five years or whatever. Like, I get their scholarships for like maybe really smart people, but it's like, dude, there's such a rent in New York and all. Yeah. It's like, insane. And like, honestly, I don't know, like college to me was like, let's go into the middle of nowhere or like a small city or something. That's what I did in Tallahassee, Florida. And just get fucked up.

Yes. Like, let's do that. Yeah. Because that's the experience you go for. You go for like meeting people learning your limits. Yes. Finding the deepest, darkest truths about yourself. And dying and a DUI.

That's part of the process. That's college, baby. You always have to say goodbye to one friend. Yeah. One really good friend. And one enemy. Yeah. Yeah. And one anime.

But that's like, that's what it is. Like the whole like, because people, that's like the most annoying thing. It's like people try to pretend you go to college for like, oh, like even the parents are like, oh, they're going to get this. education, it's so good at here. It's like, no, the kid just wants to get fucked up. They just want to go to the coolest place to get fucked up for four years

and have no responsibility, and then just get thrust into the real world. Dude, that's really all right. It's kind of like a softening between going to the real world. It's like, fuck, get fucked, do drugs. That's college. That's college. That's it. I don't know why we put this pretend thing. Oh, they're paying $60,000 a year. And they're getting

and this professor, it's like, no, they're barely going to class. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can't see the board. Now, this is different. I have a tutor in high school went to Yale. Yeah. He had a different experience than us. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking nerd. There are people the people who you know, aren't, I don't know,

aren't as socially whatever. But most of them, my problem with the NYU kids is like, I look at it and I know who you are. You were student council in high school. You were actually probably religious in high school. And now you immediately flipped and now you're like, I'm in college, now I'm edgy and I have all these

thoughts and everything. And I'm going to go protest the Texas abortion bill in Washington Square park where everybody agrees with me. How about you go to fucking Texas, you fucking pussy? You're like, oh, do you think I want to be out here on the sun on a nice day with all my friends? I have to. I'm like, you're just having fun with the sign. Yeah. Capitalism is

bad. Trust me, my dad owns a bank. Yeah. My life has been amazing and I'm somehow still sour. And I will say this. My parents were rich, but there's a difference between rich Florida people. I have a passion about this. Rich Florida people are awesome. They're wearing boat shoes. They're wearing unbuttoned Hawaiian. They're drunk as shit, having a good time. Maybe banging the

nanny. That's a good time. They're not these pretentious northeast. There's the Ivy League vibe. Even NYU's not Ivy League school, but there's that vibe where it's like, I'm better than you. But then I'm, I don't know what it is. You know what I've noticed? No, that's exact what it is. It's the idea that I am better than you like on a level that you can't even reach.

Like people think they can like get rich. Yeah, yeah. They can get on that level. But they'll never be like this blue blood like I went to college here, so I know this. Yes. So there's like, oh, And it's, it's really is just trash. If you're rich and you're Republican, you're usually pretty cool.

You know what? I'm on board. Absolutely. If you're poor and you're liberal, you're also usually pretty cool. Yes, that's true. This is correct. That's, but a lot of the times, if you're poor and you're a Republican, dude, oh, dude, you go in the woods and you, like, crosses on fire.

You spend all your time begging your friends for money for OxyCodon. Like, it's bad, dude. Yeah. this is a kind of we're bringing up kind of good points here. I know some rich Republican people, and it's so funny because, like, they're all, they're a blast. Like, they'll go out to bars and get fucked up. They're not, like, super racist, but, like, it's like,

they'll hang out with anybody. There's very little, like, oh, who are we hanging out with? But then, like, yeah, and then, like, you go to, like, an NYU thing, and I'm just, I'm making totally false metaphorical scenarios, but I'm just guessing that they would be like, I'm guessing this. Yeah, you know those NYU parties we always attend. Socialists aren't supposed to be rich, so they're full of shit right off the bat. Like that was my whole problem with rage against the machine.

It's like, too, but you're not really raging against any machine. You're swimming in money. Oh, didn't they charge like $80 for their fucking tickets? Of course they did, too. And again, I love their music and whatever. And yeah, it's fine. But it's like, it's always a little bullshit if you preach socialism, but you're rich. It's just it's, it's, you can't be helped.

It's a, it's just a, uh, what's the word I'm looking for? Bowls on a parade. You looking for gay again? No, I can always find gay. Even a very inappropriate times. Even a very inappropriate times. It's a contradiction. Yeah, yeah.

It's a huge contradiction. Yeah. What are you giggling about? Just got the word contradiction. Like, is that dick in it? No, just because it's like, it's not the most difficult word. I, yeah, I know. You're like, gay, yeah, gay.

Yeah, yeah, it's always there. What's a word when two things don't add up? Yeah. I'm a little behind today. I've been eating nothing but ramen, recently and I think my brain's a little slow because of it. I'm about to be on that boat. I was buying every single meal out when I had a job and I got fired and I'm

immediately eating like peanut butter nutella sandwich. It's like within one day I'm like yeah, no, I can't afford to be healthy at all. I'm just going to eat garbage all the time. Yeah. But I mean, dude, that's like, that's the lovely thing about New York is you have that ability. Oh, yeah. Just walk to the end of the street, pay some Slavic guy, some dirty coins and he'll give you a slab of meat on bread

that's kind of stale. I was always kind of stale. You know what I abode about though? I haven't seen a lot of dollar stores because this is what I used to do in college. Dollar store was the shit because I'd go to the dollar store and I would literally get like I'd get this dollar store cheese that just wouldn't melt. Like you put in the microwave and it would not melt. But you do that would like a hot potato.

Yeah. That hot dog in like a fucking tortilla and like you put three of those in a hot dog. You got yourself a shitty taco, but it's technically a taco. Yeah. And I would eat that and like, my parents would give me some money. but it just goes straight to alcohol. So, like, I'll get food allowance. That goes to alcohol.

And then the food money, I'm just bending. But it's crazy. I would get through the week with like 50 bucks every week. And now I'm like, that's fucking impossible. Well, New York, it is impossible. No, it's not. It's you just have to eat real shit. Like, I spent $35 on food, and I'm almost done with the week.

Because it's just ramen, hot pockets, and like mac and cheese. And again, and it's shit. There's no vitamins in there whatsoever. Do you like the always sunny thing? Have you heard that where Charlie's like, this is what I would do at $30. I'd get fucking all these like grains. I'd crush them up, get some vitamins, put them in there. Just put vitamins in your fucking macaroni.

Just minerals and fucking, this is a clip bar macaroni sandwich. That sounds like you have to be really high to fucking enjoy that. Do you still smoke? Like cigarettes or weed? Not really. Both you guys are sober, right? I know, right? Yeah.

I do the edibles. Although I'm doing Molly tonight. you know what fucking sweet haven't seen it ruin that many it will ruin like a let's be honest

alcohol is the worst drug it really is it really is so bad it's the best drug but it's the worst drug like does the amount of people just ruin shit with alcohol

so much alcohol and Xanax but also together the best fucking high is taking a little bit of Xanax having like five beers and smoking some pot and you're just sleeping

great you know I once told that's not the best eye I want to I told I told my buddy once I was like you know alcohol and cocaine are so great together.

There's nothing better than that mix. And this guy went to rehab. He's from Taunton, which is just a shithole in Massachusetts. And he was like, yeah, coming from a guy who's never fucking done dope and benzhoes. Yeah, it's like, that is fair. That's probably way fucking better. It's probably amazing.

Oh, my God. I don't like ever want to go back. Like, I could go back to drinking, I think, because I don't think I have like a real problem. I think it's just like my life is better without it. Yeah, it gets in a way of shit. And I'm, like, willing to sacrifice a little bit of joy to have, like, a little joy in some other areas, you know? But, like, blow, like, every time I've done blow, it's, like, kind of fun in the moment.

But the next day, I'm like, dude, this is the worst. The worst feeling in the world. It's the worst. I had a mental breakdown from doing fucking Coke. It's, it's, yeah, I hate that feeling. And also, the problem is, I don't think Coke is, I don't know, it's the, what you got to do if you're doing Coke, buy Coke at the beginning of the night. The worst is when you go out drinking and then people spend three hours. trying to get coke and you don't actually enjoy the party.

So, like, I always have these friends that are still doing Coke and they're like, yeah, I'm like, I might do a Coke and I'm like, no, buy it now. Because you're going to. You're going to leave for an hour to go to some weird guy's apartment that's not fun to hang out with. You're going to do some lines, buy Coke, and you're going to get back here at 4 a.m. It's not going to be, it's like, enjoy your night. Get the Coke at the beginning because you're going to do it. If you're drunk and you do cocaine, you're going to fucking do it.

If you're drunk, you're going to do whatever it is that you've already done in your life and like that you don't want to do anymore. Like, you're going to smoke cigarette. 100% You're gonna smoke weed You're gonna do every single thing Buy a pack of cigarettes Put the Coke bag in the cigarettes

It's like it's all That's where drinking is the worst It's like it's the easiest one Because every place you go to The city itself is 80% places you just walk in to drink Strictly there's so many fucking But that's such a good point

So many bars And that's where all of it starts So like dude I realized Like when I sobered up I was like holy shit The city is like It's like a video game where you can't go in any of the buildings.

It's like, what the fuck is this place worth? You know, it's like I have no interest in 90% of this now. Dude, that's a huge point because I didn't stop, but I cut down drinking dramatically over the last year. And there's nothing to fucking do here besides bars everywhere. It's like, what am I going to go to a park? Yeah, no, the park sucks. It's just, yeah.

It's a park. It's like grass surrounded by cooler bars. That's the worst shit. He's like, if you tried going to Central Park? I'm like, yes, I have. And it fucking sucks. It's not that here. he does. Yeah, I brought a kite and everything.

It's still gay. Yeah, it fucking sucks so bad. I'm talking about. I brought a kite and it's still gay. You fucking kidding me? It has nothing. It doesn't compare to vodka at all. No, no, not even close. Yeah. It's like, that's why this was this would have been a great vodka, the kite of the mine.

Well, here, fucking, when you quit drinking dude, you got to have something else to do. Like, I think it's so much easier, like, we do comedy. So we have something cool we can do. We have a reason to go outside. 100%. And it'd be social. Like, I'll not be drinking and I'll be Oh, I hung out at a bar for four hours. Yeah.

It was just hanging out with people. Also, just knowing at a, you never know if someone's going to ask you to go up or someone's going to be like, hey, we're going to this mic or whatever. Yeah. It's like you're always, you always kind of want to be ready to go up. 100%. Because that beats any drug is just doing comedy. Again, not dope and benzos.

That's true. Yeah. There's almost any drug. Dope and benzos, the comedy of the mind. Yeah. There's certain things that I think I, I think drinking at a bar for me is almost like, I I'm kind of done with it. But one thing I do think is

kind of unbeatable is drinking in like the sun. That's the one thing. But you can't even... Day drinking is the best. Yeah, you can take a man out of Florida, but you can't take the Florida. Absolutely not. Dude, I want to be in a fucking intertube

floating out of river. Day drinking is the best. Towards the end, when I couldn't stop, day drinking was the only fun time for me. Yeah, because at night is just kind of shit. It's like you can't even hang out at a bar, really, because everybody's constantly trying to do something.

There's so much on your brain. Yeah. Also, every bar, like, Brooklyn, it's different because Brooklyn, like, a lot of people go out in Manhattan. Not that many people come from Manhattan until Brooklyn. Right.

So Brooklyn, the bars are more relaxed and it's kind of not. They're like divey or. I like those. There's more space. There's more space. Space is huge.

Even restaurants in New York, it kind of pisses me off a little bit because I can't really relax in a restaurant. It's like you're crammed. You're crammed in there. People are like, isn't this atmosphere so cool? And I'm like,

no, there's people yelling at each other. My knees are touching some other guy's knees. Yeah. It's weird. Yeah. But every bar I've gone to like in in Manhattan, especially on a weekend, like a weekend night, it's just so packs, you're standing,

you're bumping into people, and like, people are enjoying it. I'm like, how? How in the world? Because you're so fucked up. You have to be so hammered and not, like, I started going out, and as I said, like, I'm drinking way less, and I noticed how shitty it is going out because I'm just bumping it. I'm like, dude, I'd not notice these people before, and I think I didn't. I think you're hammered and you just shoulder check people and you don't even think twice

about it. No. And then you got sober and you're like, this is crowded. It smells like fucking garbage. Everybody's annoying as shit. $13 for a cocktail. It's like, I agree with you. I'd rather go to a corner store, get a tall boy in a bag, and sit outside and just fucking

stare at women, dude. Yeah, yeah. And that's it. Just stare at chicks until they notice me. Well, dude, the best was in college, we had a fucking apartment, me, my buddy. And there was a balcony that overlooked a pool. I'm like, that's just ideal. And people go to the pool, you throw beers down at them, you funnel from the day to there.

And you're just sitting there, just getting drunk, watching them. people go in the pool. Look at that idiot over there. You go on the other side. There's, like, traffic. You can see cars. My buddy pissed on a car. It was awesome. He just pissed on a car. I bet you won't piss on that car. Pisses on a car. That's hilarious. That's the most enjoyable thing. Watching a man piss on another person's car.

I think it was just because he had a weird fraternity letters in the back. He's like, fuck Delta side. Who even cares? That's hilarious, though. It's like, that's beautiful compared to like being some crap. I don't know. It's just different. Day drinking, too. You have nothing else going for the day. It's a beautiful. feeling. Like, I can pass out at 5 p.m.

And be fine. Honestly, it might be the best thing for me. I wake up like I wake up around 8 a.m. no problem if I get passed out or 5 p.m. The problem, though, is you day drink and then wake up at like, hungover at like 4 a.m. And you can't. That is horrible. You're just like,

ugh. Yeah. No, it's okay. You just drink a little bit more. But I've never, like... I will still drink. I will pull that move. If I woke up hungover, I'll have two beers and go back to sleep and wake up at noon. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. Dude, like, I would usually

just day drink and then be like, okay, I'm, I'm exhausted, but I just got to fucking drink my way through it and get to the late night so that I can sleep on a normal schedule. Yeah, yeah, that's kind of true. You end up like, like, doubling down, and you just drink through the night to like four in the morning, and you're like, dude, I've been drinking for 14 straight hours. And then you feel like a fucking, I don't know, like a Muppet the next day. You're like, dude, I can't even function. I miss where my body could handle it because I used to do it.

I'm not even kidding. It's insane. I would have these game days in Florida State. Wake up, start drinking at like 11 a.m. Take an Adderall, start doing blow. We had a four-locke one time. Just a keg of a keg of a keg of just drinking that. Dude, that's what they're going to drop on the Ukraine.

Fuck a bomb, dude. Yeah, because people always talk about, they're like, isn't it amazing? Like, this guy ran 100 miles. Isn't it amazing what the human body can do? Oh, but you see some drugs. Yeah, you should fucking see what the human body. Compared to what they tell you in school.

Like, I love to see a video of somebody at a tailgate and be like them describing. It's like, oh, really? This was bad. Look how much of it I did before. It was actually dangerous. Yeah. And then we would do whippets.

And I remember to be like drunk on Coke, on Adderall. Hearts going like, from the fucking four local. And then I would drink and buy more Coke at like midnight. Do it till 4 a.m. And then still stay up to like the sunrises. And then I would be like, kind of tired. Now it's like I have five beers and I'm like, I can't do it. Like my body.

hates it. Yeah, yeah. It's almost like drinking should be only for kids. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like it ruined your life as an adult. The best time to drink is being in high school. Very true. Your body can handle it so well. I never had a hang-up. Like I would have a hangover, but it was like, oh my God, I have a hangover. It would be like a kind of a novelty thing. Yeah. You don't realize what a hangover is until like you get older and your body is, you're like, oh my God, like my muscles are, dude, one time I woke up and I just felt this insane. Oh, the Charlie Horse? insane cramp in my leg and I look and there's just like a softball and it looks like an alien trying to escape like cramp I'm like what the fuck

I've never had that happen before because you're I don't know if it's like you're naturally hydrating your body's just more resilient when you're a kid but like now dude a hangover hits me I think the hydration shit's bullshit because I've done the full water IV things and they don't help my hangover at all really you guys do LSD at all?

I've done it once as well I used to do LSD as a kid all the time now I can't do it It's a three-day hangover. Really? I never heard of a hangover. I've heard mixed things with LSD, so Shrooms never hear a hangover. LSD, I've heard a lot of people say their muscles hurt.

Yeah, it's bad. Because their muscles are tense the whole time they're tripping. And then the next day, their muscles are, like, sore. Soar, just fucking headache, too. Yeah. It's brutal. And you can barely sleep, too, on the, afterwards. Drugs are for kids.

They're for kids. I'm totally fine with... I've done mushrooms a few times since, like, being sober. So I guess I'm not totally sober, but, like, I don't know. You don't have to be. be totally sober. Yeah, I don't consider mushrooms. Like, I've never been like, dude, I gotta get some more mushrooms. Yeah, yeah. Like, I've never felt like that. I like just doing a little once in a while, especially if like everyone else is partying. Yeah. But like doing, like, I don't know, I used to just do them when I was drinking. And I had like a whole. I don't know how you didn't get nauseous. I would throw up. I'd do that one time. I threw it. It's the worst idea I've ever heard. Mushrooms and alcohol. Yeah. It was like complete opposites. Yeah. It was a very unpleasant experience. And then like, now that I'm like, People say acid in drinking, though.

Some people say that works because you don't have the anxiety. Yeah. Acid. Oh, okay. Acid, yeah. Ac is more active. You can go around and shit like that. Yeah, shrooms are like,

it's, I get nauseous because every time I've done shrooms, it feels like, you know, when you're running on a treadmill and you step up, and it feels like the ground's still moving towards you? I get that on shrooms where like everything's kind of, so it's kind of nauseating a little bit. It's like that with alcohol is just like, but. Honestly, it's crazy that alcohol is the one drug that's legal. And again, it's probably the worst one to make legal. Oh, it's so bad for you.

It's so cool. kill so many people, so much, like, dude, how many wives get, like, beaten after smoking a joint? Like, none. Yeah. He's always like that after he hits the bomb. Yeah, I don't know. It's just fucking happened. Dude, it's alcohol, car crashes, beating your wife, getting in fights,

homeless guys attacking people. Like, it's almost all alcohol. Yeah, yeah, it is definitely like the worst. Like, if you made heroin legal... Do you think when a black guy beats his wife, it's called Blunt Trauma? No. I think I'm going to cut that out. I'm just kidding. No, leave it in.

He should. He should know he said it. That should be on record forever. But seriously, if people did heroin all the time, they would just drive slower. I would hope they wouldn't be driving at all. Dude, if they were, they'd drive slow, though. Yeah, they would. It is the worst drug, but sensation-wise, I love it.

But I think absolutely worst. My favorite, Sean Patton had a good bit about this. He's like, people call alcohol or marijuana gateway drug. Alcohol is a gateway drug. I never smoked to join and be like, he goes, I've gotten drunk and done a full, a ton of cocaine. If I smoke a joint, I'm not gonna drink a Red Bull.

I'm like, no, that's gonna be too fucking stimulating. It's like, yeah. Dude, I actually heard that,

that, uh, like alcohol, when it was like first, I gotta use the bathroom. Yeah, when alcohol was like first kind of like, they were experimenting with it and it was coming out.

It used to be like fermented fruit and stuff and they would like drink it and like get a little fucked up. But like the average drink was like around like four percent. It was basically like a cambuch, like a strong cambuch. Well, 4% is a lot? I mean 0.4% or 4%?

uh 4% 4% is like a like a but that was like the strongest of the oh that was like liquor really yeah so like people would treat it differently like the wine and shit would be less yeah and then like it wasn't until like i don't know like 150 maybe 100 years ago like they started like distilling it and stuff and like the human body's like not not prepared for that amount of content that's also like the conversation because like i would do ketamine here and there and it gets a horrible reputation People are ketamine. It's crazy.

You'll go nuts. You'll pass out. You'll do all this stuff. I'm like, no, it's just like alcohol. It's like if you do, if you take something in very small amounts, completely different drug. It's like you do a little bit of ketamine. It's kind of like you're a little drunkable high.

You feel kind of nice. Kind of wavy, kind of heavy. You're like, all this is nice. But then you do too much. And it's like everything just isn't made correctly. So it's like, Bud Lights, perfect. That's how alcohol should be consumed. Slow amounts over time.

Yeah. I even drink, I've drink these things called Budweiser Select 55s. There are 2.5% alcohol. So two of them equal a... What about platinum? Well, those are over... So that's what I do. I'm telling you.

I do these things called Bud Light... Budweiser select 55s. It's the only way I can drink now. They're 2.5% alcohol. So two of them equals one white claw. So you drink 10 of these and you're five beers in. Which is perfect because I'm like, okay, I want to be chugging shit, but I don't want to get too... It's most alcoholic shit, but I'm like, this is...

It works well for... If I'm out on the boat, like, I was in Florida, I'm like, oh, just do this. But it's like, if you could do that with other drugs, it would be so ideal. That's very true. because I think like part of the reason why I like would get so fucked up is not because I like drinking as much. You're just slam in the bag. I had an oral kind of fixation thing. Yes.

I chug. Yeah. I'm just drinking really quickly. And it's like you get fucked up quick. 100%. So, but I also don't love the calories. Like yeah. I don't know.

So the select 55, they're 55 calories. Is that what it is? Maybe. But they are lower calories because it's just water and like a little bit of alcohol. Yeah. They don't taste bad. I mean, they don't taste great. but it's just like, and I was like, dude, this is the shit.

I also, I drink O'Dul's now. Like, I, not Foley, but like, I incorporate them into my drinking schedule, and they're great. Yeah. I like the taste of a beer. And, um, exactly. Yeah. I just, I can't drink the way I used to. So I'm like, oh, this is a great way for me to still hang out with everybody, have a good time.

Have you had any of it? Yeah. I, I, I've had Oduels. I've also had the Heineken Zero. I don't like Hinox zero. Oh, really? Yeah. I haven't had no duels since I was like 18.

My dad gave me one of them. Try it. Try it. they're good. Okay. Like, I love the taste of it. They taste good. And it's like, I don't know.

It's one of those things that you're like, oh, I still like want to feel like I'm, like, half a drinking for me is the mindset. Like, I like being fucked up, but I realized also it's just this culture and environment of us kicking back, having a good time. And I realize half that's just the flavor and the bubbly sensation and me chugging it. It's like, this is all kind of what it was more. Yeah. Now, like, I don't know.

It took me a while to get comfortable with like being around people drinking. And not doing it. And not even that. Not because I just. felt like I wasn't on the same page as them. It was like an insecurity of my own, you know? But like now what I do is I get like a bang energy. Yeah, yeah.

It kind of like hypes you up a little bit, you know? And then I'll just drink whatever after that. Like a seltzer's, I don't give a shit. Like, but like it was that, it's that moment where you're like, oh, I'm not like, like, they think I'm not as cool as I am when I'm drink. Yeah. Dude, I would tell people I'd be like, I'm sorry I'm like a bummer to hang out with. They're like, dude, you're the same person.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I haven't noticed any different. I mean, I haven't noticed any different. Yeah, they're like, if anything, you're more, like, coherent. You're more, like, in touch with everything. Like, you're still funny. Like, because that was my biggest thing is I was like, dude, I'm not going to be funny. I'm not going to be funny.

I'm not going to be funny. I'm not going to be hard because I built my whole personality off of being a drunk person for years. Yeah. We had, like, a brief conversation. Yeah, and then you're like, who the fuck am I without this? Because it's very scary thing. You're like, I'm going to be as funny. I'm not to be this and be that.

It's, like, a huge concern. It is. Yeah, it's like, well, I think like they said the same thing about like David Tell when he went sober because like his whole almost not his whole act, but like a big part of his appeal was like fucking crazy drunk guy. Yeah. He had, he had the show that. Insomniac where he would go around and get fucked up. Dude, my therapist in college, she was like, oh, I saw David Tell a couple years ago. She goes, this is like, it's probably five years ago.

I'm sure he got drunk or sober like while ago. But she's like, I saw David Tell years ago. We just hammered on stage, slurring his words is the saddest thing I've ever seen. Yeah. And it's so funny to hear her say that and then see him sober now. And I'm like, oh, wow. It's just an absolute machine gun up there. Just like, yeah.

So like, I don't know. But apparently, I don't know where I heard this was a Sun podcast where they're like, some people don't have the ability. Like, they're only funny when they're drunk or whatever. Yeah. And I was like, fuck. Because that's like when all my, you have all your confidence. 100%.

Yeah. And you kind of just have to like rebuild that confidence in the world where you're like, oh, I'm not drinking. but I'm still like who I am. If anything, I can think of stuff quicker, you know? Yeah, yeah. But it's just that initial instinct where like if you're sober, you're like, maybe I should say, maybe I shouldn't. And the moment you're drunk, you're like, yeah, fuck this.

I'll say all the things. And you just be yourself. And that's all. Well, this is the thing I realized. You do more jokes that when you're drunk, you might make more jokes, but you also make more bad jokes. Yeah. Because you're like, oh, I fired off. I said, and then you kind of sober up.

You're like, oh, I said some, especially now that I'll do some podcast after drinking. and I listen to, I'm like, oh, yeah, I said a bunch of shit that wasn't funny. Yeah. It's like I didn't have the confidence to say some things, but some of the things weren't as... Yes. I mean, the truth is you got to just learn how to be funny, not caring, sober. Yes, yeah. Yeah, by the way, in case you're wondering how he does so well, has such a nice apartment,

even though he doesn't have a job. He saves thousands of dollars on toilet paper. It's the worst shit I've ever wiped my ass with it. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I got it for the bodega. It's like thin. It's the worst paper in the world. It's like dollar store.

It's like not even dollar store toilet paper. It's really. It's rest of it. It's recycled dollar store toilet paper. You can put it over your eyes and still see perfectly. It's so thin. It doesn't even, yeah. Yeah, they're glasses.

The CDC doesn't even count it as a mask if you made one. Yeah, it's fucking trash. Yeah, it's fucking horrible. It's just horrendous. But I'm the same way. I came from a Scots family, the Scots toilet paper. And it's like, dude, I always wondered why I got so many hemorrhoids growing up. It's because you're running like a saw blade up and down your ass.

You cannot. dude, you choose something else to save money on. Yeah, yeah. Like something else. You, it seems like you got raped. I did. I did. By your own hand.

I did. Alan is standing for the rest of the time. Your head, his hand is gripping the edge of the couch as he's telling me this information. He's like, this is just, that hurts so bad. I got raped by your budget. That's what I got raped by. Yeah.

It's bad. It's been a talk in his house before me. Yeah. But, dude, I feel you, dude. because it's like once your asshole has gone through the gauntlet, shitty toilet paper, it comes out stronger on the other side. You know what it is?

And then you save, because, dude, you can run those things for like 12 years. Yeah. And there's still toilet paper on there. So I get it. It's like countries where, like,

most people don't wear shoes because it's so poor. Their feet are tough as fuck. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's like playing baseball with a milk carton. Yeah, you've adjusted.

I was talking to him. He said you've only been to Canada. Have you been to any four countries? I've been to Ireland and England. What's that like? You know, a lot like here. Really? Yeah, yeah.

They're cooler about drinking. I've heard this. I don't know. I went when I was like 12. Okay. I want to go like now. But like I went when I was 12 when I was a kid. But I still got to have a Guinness.

Oh, nice. Like yeah, they don't give a fuck there. I've also heard they have the most Sean will tell me. He's a comic who's Irish. He said that they have the most alcoholics but also the most non-drinkers. There's no in between.

So it's like they have the most people that are sober now And the most people that are still severe problems It's less people that like just casually drink He said it was basically like he went there and it was like Or he's from there And he said if people say they don't want a beer You don't even ask there's not that weird thing It's like why are you drinking bro?

It's like you're a darned beer It's like it's like okay I know I know yeah yeah There's darkness behind those eyes Yeah I still get that every now and then So yeah I don't want to drink Come on dude

It's like what am I fucking 8 fucking 15 It's like I'm not a pussy I'm tougher than you I'm crazier than you That's the problem is like You're like, oh, what do you have a beer? It's like, no, I will. Yeah.

That's the thing. It's like, I'll drink it off the ground. I'll lap it up off the ground. It's like, I want a beer. That's what you should do. Just grab the guy. I don't want to picture a guy wearing a tie. Just grab and be like, I'll do fucking Coke off your mom's asshole.

It's like, you don't know the monster that I was. Yeah. And the monster your mother was, too. Fucking cunt was all about it. Yeah. I get that a little bit from like friends who drink now because they're like, dude, like, it's fun. Because, like, it sucks when you're good at drinking, and you're, like, good.

The worst skill to have. I was a great drinker. I was a great drinker. I was never violent. I almost never, like, I didn't cry. Like, I was almost never even, like, mad. No, I was just loving and, like, joyous. Yeah.

And always, like, cracking jokes. It always worked, right. It always, every time. The alcohol always did its job. Like, people would say, like, Patty is a great person to be drunk with. People would never say Patty is a great person. Yeah. That's a tough world to live in.

It's hard to stop. It's like, it's like, like, am I taking away my gift to the earth? Yeah, I know, right?

Yeah. No, I was a really good drinker, man. I was fun. I barely ever, like, I,

like, I never hurt anyone. I never stole anything. I did actually once, getting a pretty bad car crash. I got one DUI. Yeah. That was bad.

That was really dumb of me. But, um, other than that, you know, I was pretty careful after that. Like, it was, I was a good, solid drunk. Yeah. I eventually had to quit because I was coughing up blood and shit.

Oh, God. Yeah. That's not good, yeah. Yeah. Also, with comedy, like, did you ever go on stage drunk? Were you better? Were you worse? What was that?

I think, you know, you're better. When you're sober, you're so much better. Yeah, yeah. Like, I noticed, like, I... You know, you don't have, like, you... Like, here's thing, when you're drunk every now and then you have this Herculean set. That just doesn't even make sense. Yeah.

And so it just more. because the audience realizes you're drunk, too. They get it, yeah. They get it. But when it's bad, like, my thing is, I went on stage, like, I think it was after three beers, like, a month ago. And I honestly couldn't tell if I was doing well. It's your sense, I was trying to concentrate. I'm like, are they laughing?

There's a weird sense of, like, you don't know what's going on. It's like, if you're bombing, I think you probably have no idea if you're drunk. When you get really, really drunk sometimes you, you, like, don't care and the audience can tell. So they're like, ah, this guy's fucking cool. Yeah, yeah, that's a good point. Well, yeah, but. But if you don't care and. And it's, comedy is such a weird balance of caring and not caring.

Because you have to care enough to work hard on jokes and care about doing well. But you also have to not care enough to take risks and be fun and be exciting. Yeah. So it's like that weird balance because it's like some people just don't care. Some people suck and don't care. That's the problem. You don't care, but also you maybe care a little bit. Yeah.

Yeah. The people who suck and don't care, by the way, they're the ones who make it. The ones that make it? Yeah, because they're so confident they can be not, they can be a comedian, just not be funny for 10 minutes and just not my. it. Yeah, yeah. They always have hot girlfriends.

Do you ever notice that? Yeah. Why have a hot girl? What's not? I'm starting to piece things to get. Am I that guy? Do I suck at comedy? Yeah.

Or do I just not care? Well, that's the thing, too, is the crazy thing that people to me that will reach out to bookers aggressively. I'm like, I would never, like, maybe if somebody runs a show, I understand being like, hey, yeah, be great and you get on. But these people are like, some people are so bad at comedy and they will harass bookers. Yeah.

And I'll talk to the bookers to be like, yeah, so and so. It's always the same names that pop up. It's always somebody that fucking sucks. And they're always like, oh, so-and-so, yeah, I got to throw them up because he fucking asked me a thousand times. Everybody just knows that that person's annoying. Yeah. God, damn. I think that'll be like a brief, it's a brief moment where they'll, you know, have.

They'll harass their way into Comedy Central. Come on. Yeah, it's never going to, like, the good comics are always going to rise to the top in the end. And like, I'm not sure about that. Yeah, I don't know. You know what the problem is, like, because, like, I don't know. I'm an open micer still. so, like, there's so many bad comics,

but there's also a lot of good comics. Yeah. And the good comics usually recognize who's good, but the bad comics think everyone is good, or sometimes they think the bad comics are better than the good comics because they're closer to what they are. Yeah. So there's this other economy.

They can wrap their head around it more. There's a side, like, economy of just bad comics who are on shows with each other, and they get their friends and family and stuff to come to shows, and or just people who don't know comedy at all, and they keep like exponentially thinking that they're like they're doing something good in this community and that they're supposed to do comedy and it just keeps solidifying this like idea that they're on the right path and stuff and like that just keeps going at the same time and then also if like good

comics aren't getting booked because they're not asking for anything they're not like whatever like they start to seem as like a worse comic right every is but obviously this guy on shows is any good it's like yeah he is he just doesn't harass people yeah he also takes chance is at mics. Like he's trying he's not doing the same set every time he or her like but him also also I mean you know a lot of people who aren't like who aren't like really really funny or really good a comedy they don't have like a creative mindset. So that means all their skills are real world skills. True. Like sending the emails sending the right emails talking to this guy doing all that. The business side of it. They can wrap their head around much easier than the actual crafting an act, writing a joke. Right. They spend they also spend more time with that. So like they're going to spend. I'm going to spend. I'm going to spend. hours trying to get on a good show. Like you have people that will be like, I hang out to every single comedy club hang on the shows. Just like, what are you getting on stage of writing? They're like, never.

I'm like, all right, well, that kind of makes sense. But I, we're like, we're at two hours now, so I was going to wrap it up soon. Anything you guys want to promote? Yeah, I'd like to promote Sharman right now. I just talked about how great they are. No, not really.

I mean, we're doing a podcast together for a little bit. Fuck City, USA. Are you guys still ? Yeah. It's fucking hilarious. I'd love to be on it. I know I keep,

I've been on four times. Absolutely, yeah. One of my favorite podcasts. We kind of cycle through like four guests. Hell yeah. Dude. You're definitely in the mix. Yeah.

Yeah. Why have someone on like, you know, if they might not like, yeah, like you have people on all the time they're bad. Yeah,

you ever take a risk and you're like, oh, goddamn, why do I think this person? Yeah. They say people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Luckily we've had like, it's like you, , Nico Pav. And then like Tommy. And those are like the three main. Tommy.

Tommy Holder. I don't know. He's our roommate. Super funny guy. He is a funny guy. Clinically insane, probably. Absolutely insane. You know how many times?

Is he a Botte guy? No, no, he's a Connecticut guy. Yeah. He's not the gray hair guy. There's a very funny gray hair guy. No, that's Jonathan Tilsson. That's my boy Tilsson. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Clausegay, but he's the nicest guy. Dude, the only times I wanted to do this to Tommy, just record him yelling at the video game he's playing and just put it out loud. He's just like a candid. Fuck you! But he's just like in head. There's not a bone in his body that's not built for comedy. Or something not even that crazy, but he's just screaming at it like it's fucking halo.

He's another guy, dude. He's a funny guy. He's a funny guy, but he doesn't get on any shit because he's a fucking lunatic. He takes everything personally. He also does comedy like once a month. Yeah, that's hard to do. And he destroys what he does. When he goes on, he does like so well every time, no matter how bad the room is.

but he'll also, one set of every three sets, lose his mind on someone in the audience who is, like, so connected. He just, like, he called Espy a stupid bitch. Like, Sby, like, walked out. He's like, where are you going, you stupid bitch? I was just kidding. He's like, I was joking.

Relax. Like, that's, like, you gotta not say that to everyone. No. Like, so he'll just, like, take shots. He's, like, a genuine comic. Like, he, there's nothing, no filter at all. all on him. But double-ed sword, though. Exactly. Yeah.

But we love him. Yeah, we do love him. We do love him. So we have him on and let his brain go a little bit. That seemed like that had been the good part of the 80s and 90s. I was not there, but I'm guessing comedy was like, this guy's out of his mind. Let's get him a sitcom. That was kind of like there were so many crazier people in comedy. They weren't like, this guy is toxic.

Yeah, yeah. They're like, no, this guy, we saw him punch a PA in the face. But he's going to be great. He's a bad motherfucker. Not a stand-up comic perfect example. You could not have, he wouldn't have been who he was. Charlie, she was out of this fucking mind. They're like, this guy's perfect for the sitcom. Absolutely.

I mean, that is funny. He is funny. People were still celebrating him until he found out he raped one of those like Corey brothers. Oh, that was the rumor. I don't know if that happened, but. I don't know. It sounds like it could probably happen.

Yeah, I'm not. I'm not going to. Who, Corey in the house? All right, we'll see you next time. Was there? Instagram, you want to say those? Yeah, fuck City, USA. That's my real Instagram.

and Twitter. That's also my Venmo. Can you read? Oh, hell yeah. Did you demo him money? Yeah, just fucking man. Don't you want to give Fuxity USA monies? That's pretty cool.

He doesn't want to eat ramen every night. I'm going to have to. Denmill him some money and say you buy yourself a nice meal. Yeah. Please do it if you're listening. I'll just buy more ramen and be all good. Six months. Mine is Patty is Funky on Instagram.

Twitter is Patty Defino. I don't tweet. Don't even bother. Patty is funky on Instagram? Yeah. I tweet funny things Never get the things I think are the funniest Get the least likes

Like I post Exactly That I thought the picture of that guy Was perfect on the G.I. Joe thing And then I tweeted Just this What's it called? Montage of Batman's parents

Getting shot And it's playing You can get murked by Juicy Jay Yeah It's just like this gangster Rap music His parents are just getting shot I think it's the fun

I got like four likes This is the funniest thing I never created But dude yeah Once we fully transcend Into hot women Yeah our careers will take off.

I should use my girlfriend more. He should. I don't even find the issue in it. I see exactly why it makes sense. This Michael Good is fine. Jesus, right. Get her on a show. And like you'll just go up on stage.

She'll just stand next to. Yeah. She'll hold the microphone for you. Just holding what I say. Babacut. Thank you guys.