Morning Good - Club Paris - Episode 295

Episode Date: December 8, 2025

Chloe La Branche and Joe Gorman join the show for today's episode. They talk about the Namibian Adolf Hitler, Ketamine therapy, and Michael's big gay weekend.Thanks to Chloe for coming on the show for the first time and to Joe for returning. You can catch Joe on a bunch of previous episodes, and for even more, click the links down below. Chloe is on Instagram @chloelabranche. She has some dates coming up 12/11 in NYC, 12/13 in New Jersey, 1/6 in Chicago, and 2/4 in North Carolina, so follow her for more info on those locations. Joe is on Instagram as well @joewgorman.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. All right, here are Chloe LaBranch and Joe Gorman. Oh, yeah. Thank you so much, Michael, for having you. Yeah, thanks for coming on. You're Zinnon?

Uh-huh. Look at you go. Yeah. a real problem. I remember when you had your Zin problem and you were like, Daniel, Janineam's like I'll give you Zin if you give me a spot and you're like, I'm trying to get off of it, but just maybe man.

Yeah, he like ran home and you were like looking at me, you're like, I got a problem, but you're but you're like giving a spot for your addiction. Yeah, oh yeah, it was bad. Damn, showbiz good, dude. I know, yeah. He's bringing this in. You're like, Chloe you're like, Chloe Monde of a bump you. I go, actually, sure. And then I was like, actually, no, I changed my mind. I do not care if Daniel's bringing you Zinn. I'm not waiting on your addiction. I've

been, because I have a lot of days. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's also funny too because he did one of those things where he's like, I mean, he's like, it's like, it's at my house, which isn't, you know, it's not that far away, but it was kind of like he was like hesitant to go home because it's kind of an insane thing to do. It's just like far enough to go to like, it's like I probably had to get back on the train, huh? No, no. But it's one of those things too where like you're talking to somebody. I was like, yeah, yeah, that'd be great. Like, they're like, you know, it's a little bit far and you're like, yeah, yeah, that's not a big deal. You want to just go to a shop and pick up...

I know, right? That's what I'm thinking. Because you're probably going to go through that Zen anyway. Yeah. Well, he doesn't Zen. And it's also only $10. Yeah, well, it's the thing, too, though, where, like, if you're trying to quit, you just always are like, oh, well, I'll just like...

What? You got sixes? Yeah. You know, I got the European ones now because they're way better and they're stronger. The problem, though, is if you get a bodega one, like, some of those, like, don't even work for, like, no reason. Well, that's because they're fake. Yeah.

That's why you got a bodega is fake. You go to smoke shops. I've bought in Zins at like a random bodega and it didn't even have a taste. It just tasted salty. Did you go blind for like 30 minutes? No, I just felt nothing. Whoa, that's even worse.

I think it's like at least like with going blinds. I was like, okay, well, at least I got something in there. You're like, oh, great, I could fuck a homeless guy and I wouldn't even see it. Oh, come on. Would you really? The smell, though. Yeah, well, I don't know. You guys are male comics.

You don't have much to say. No. Especially you, dude. I'm at least like non-binary. No, you look stinky. He doesn't. Oh, come on. Yeah.

Yeah, you look stinky. Really? You're a stinky boy. Me? Stinky little boy. Let me get a... Smells great. Yeah.

You know what you smoke? You know what you smoke? Maybe I was nagging you because you've been lying to me since I arrived. No, it's because you can't process your feelings for me. So you're like, maybe if I wear them down and then I'm like, hey, but let's go get coffee and write together. When I found out you're on this, I was like, I'm going to wear heels. So you tower over me at five foot two? I got dressed up for you.

Look at that. How tall are you? I'm five foot three. I'm five foot three. Oh, look at that. 5, 10, but people don't believe me because I hunch a bunch. I'm always, like, hunched over. You've got to go see a chiropractor.

That's like my boyfriend. He's 6-3, but he has scoliosis, so he presents it's like 6-1. And let me guess. He's in Canada right now. No, he's in Bushwick. Oh, really? Are you Canadian? No, I'm from Long Island.

Oh, okay. Do I give Canada? No, but I just never know when people, there's so many of them that I don't know. They're down with. Is Canadian? No, but I'll tell you a story about it. Because if you thought I was Canadian,

people think I'm from really random places or something. Cazertano and I, he's like a good friend of mine, and we went on a date once. Remember what I made out with him at Fight Club? It was incredible. Very erotic. Because he was like in love with me, and we'd gone on a date like maybe six months before that

or something when I was drinking. And love him. He's so fucking funny. And we were sitting on the date. And one of the first things he says to me, he goes, so both your parents are dead. They're not. He's just...

Neither of them are dead. He's like, sorry, you just kind of give, like, this orphan energy. Oh, my God. I was like, what the fuck? That's what? Do you think he was trying to be funny? No, because I've actually had someone else ask me if my parents are dead. Interesting.

Well, maybe because you're, like, you have, like, addiction, maybe they just, like, assume something like that happened. What would cause is such evil darkness? Yeah, I don't know. You shut your mouth. You pretty bitch. But I think is I like drugs. a lot, but I think it comes from boredom for me.

I get bored with regular reality. I have an addictive, like, addiction like runs on my family. Like, I have grandparents that have, like, gambling problems and, like, drinking problems. The Japanese ones and the non-Japanese ones? Non-Japanese. You're Japanese? Yeah. That's what you've samurai hair?

Do you believe me now? Oh, yeah, there we go. Is he actually Japanese? You know what? Because I can't listen to him about this. This is the hardest part because I always, he'll say something super racist on the podcast and I'll try to weasel in that he's Japanese to make a bit better. This is your podcast together?

This is our podcast. We live together. No. No, this is true. Is this your podcast or just yours? This is just my. Okay. You got like a Mario Luigi mic system.

Yeah. Oh, we really do. You got to get the Mario. Yeah, I got the Mario. What's up? Well, I don't know. I don't know. Do you want one?

No, I don't want that. No, but I'm saying for the future. Because you're unfiltered. Yeah, exactly. It's going to be reflected on the mic. Yeah. No, this like... I have this little HR layer over my microphone, so it filters out certain words and stuff.

So it's in trouble. Or I edited in post. Maybe, yeah. Yeah, you have a hard R filter on your mic. Yeah. Oh, I wish. I would save us a lot of episodes of Joe. Just a tarred.

Yeah. So where else did you get banned from? All these comedy clubs, I told you. Because you spoke out in what platform? On stage. And I said, what's happening in Palestine is awful right now. He got carded off this day. Oh, you said that on stage?

Yeah, and like some bouncers were like, some bouncers were like, we're fucking Israeli special forces. You need to get off. the stage right now. And I said, like, I'm not getting off the stage until I see the light. You know, that's part of my... You said this at the, at the stamp. A giant, a giant, um, Israeli guy. Little, little, little, little yama come sure you've seen them. Yeah. Curly hair on the side. Yep. Yeah. Scary. Very scary. Why did, why did you say that during standup? Because it was, it was, it needed to be addressed. I couldn't remain silent on this topic any longer.

Well, you got to save that for, you guys, you're supposed to do jokes. I did. I had like this amazing bit about how I shit my pants. And I was like, I'll tell you what's not a laughing matter. Is that a situation in Palestine? I was like, folks, I know we all had a good laugh about me shitting myself, but I want to use this. I want to use this to address. It would be wrong for me with my over 3,000 Instagram followers. Yeah.

For me to remain silent on this issue. Well, I did the News for Women live at the stand. How was that? It was great. And we had a... What's the News for Women? Two for One Shoes on sale? Extra, extra, read all about it.

Do you like that? You chauvinistic piece of shit? We can't read these girls. And I only read headlines. But anyway, so we had Danny Polarshock wore an Israeli flag on his back.

We call it the star of Jeffrey Epstein. And then Ryan Long wore one of the checkered Hamas things on his head. And then Corinne Fisher, she came and she just wore an astronaut suit for all the female astronauts. Oh, they went to the moon.

But the whole thing was... Oh, and then Kurt does it with me. And Kurt was just screaming the whole time about Palestine and how Danny was ruining everything. I mean, let's be real. Both those places kind of suck. Israel and Palestine?

Yeah, I wouldn't really want to go either. America should fucking terraform it. Like a super villain? Yeah, put in like a fucking Walmart. Yeah. That would be nice. Swimming pool. Yeah, just kind of like you're working Afghanistan.

Yeah, some McDonald's. Planet Fitness. Yeah. Pure Bar. Okay, we're getting fancy. People who go to Pure Bar don't shop at Walmart. But it's like we got to make sure it's accessible for all kinds of white Americans. Which is what it should really be for.

Yeah. I also, I'm starting to question, I hate the blow your cover, but I've never heard him say a true statement on this podcast. Oh, come on. But I've really believed that you're Japanese. And now I'm starting to think he's not Japanese. You think I'm a pure Aryan? That's the greatest compliment you can give a Japanese man. He has that he's like he.

You look more like a Mexican. Eureka, Aryan, I do. Yeah. An Aryan? An out of you. Where'd you grow up? Or is it even worth it? I grew up.

I grew up and get this. I grew up in Leavenworth, Kansas. My dad was in the Army, so he was stationed in Fort Leavenworth. You do have a, you kind of have a southern accent. I do. I have a little bit of a southern Midwestern drawl. So is Kansas considered, that's the Midwest. Kansas is considered Midwest.

It's like the heart of the country. It's like right in the middle of America. Yeah, I always got, I used to get confused because one of my friends is from, uh, wait, there's a St. Louis, Kansas. St. Louis, Missouri. St. Louis, Missouri. There's a Kansas City, Kansas and a Kansas City, Missouri. Oh, that's what I meant. Yeah, she's in Kansas City, but she lived in Kansas, and a lot of her friends lived in.

Missouri. But it's next to each other. Kansas City, yeah, they're very close. But Kansas City, Missouri is the nicer of it. That's what you think of when you think of a city, which is so weird. It's weird how far the South expands, because, like, I'm from Florida and we're like, oh. You are? Where?

Yeah, I'm from Orlando. Orlando. Is that cool? Do you ever go to Rollins before? No, but he's been to Nickelodeon Studios. Yeah, there's some. dark times there. He did a special all that all-seat with Dan Snyder. Yeah, I got a big foot. That's why I'm

throwing these condoms on right now because the fucking foot dudes are whacking it. They're out of control. Well, like in the last one, you like literally gave a guy a penis massage with your feet. Yeah, that was the whole episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, look, I'm a little monkey boy. I can use my feet like my hand. To open a banana. Yeah, I'm a little monkey boy. What are you guys talking about? there's a part of me that's trying to keep this on tracks because I had things to talk about

without it becoming like homoerotic Can I talk to you for a second about Disney World? Yeah, yeah. Did you like you? Wait, we're Rollins first. I went to Rollins all the time. Yeah, me too. So one of, well, I got a restraining order against me from Club Paris.

What happened? Did you speak out against Israel? Yeah. Paris Hilton had, no, this is too long. Paris Hilton had a nightclub. Yikes. And she opened in Orlando called Club Paris. And I was in high school still and my,

my sister's best friend was at, Rollins and I was like visiting went to like visit some college to see if I wanted to go so I went to visit Rollins and that school is so unwell and they just all decided to like she made me wear like roller blades everywhere. What the fuck? Yeah, she's like fugging with me. She's so funny. It's like a sonic. It's like a giant sonic driver. And then no, Rollins is so nice. It's so great. And then she and then we went to like a house party or something and they were doing slap the bag wine races. Yeah. Yeah. That's scary. And where you like go and people. People were throwing up on the line and then they had to go back on the line after they were puking. And I was like, this is awesome. Yeah. And then we went to Club Paris and I was like, because I was like, you know, 17 or 18.

And I was like, oh, am I going to get in with my fake ID? And she's like, the only thing you need you do to get into Club Paris is be blacked out. That's the only idea you need. That's wild. Yeah. And then we went there and then we were in the bathroom. and there was people on like platforms with fedoras like dancing and shit

it was a very strange nightclub This is probably like 2012-ish That's when fedoras were kind of like hidden No this was like 2010 I wore newsboy caps I still do and I have them And like Kelly gets mad when I go out in public I'll have like a nice leather jacket

And then like I'll top it off with like a newsboy cap And I'm like damn I look fucking good What type of shoes do you wear with your newsboy cap? I wear Converse shoes What type of pants? I usually wear like Sometimes I'll wear jeans I'll wear jeans if it's like a nice

jacket Otherwise I wear like these joggers Which I know are not the best Oh you served Oh thank you It's from your army background Were those your fathers? Yeah

He killed This is what he wore When he was stationed That would be somebody to murder somebody wearing sweatpants That's like so insane That's so funny You're like one second

Just like tied These are a little low And let me get just let me get adjusted here The guy's like He's wearing great sweatpants and the guy before he gets shot, he's like, I can see your dick. Wait,

how did you get kicked out, though? So we were in the bathroom, and, like, we were trying to do coke in the bathroom, and they were really strict, like, bathroom attendance. We both went in the same one. They were like, two in here, and we're like, shut up. And then they, like, knocked the door,

and then the security, like, broke it in, and then we got kicked out, and they took our cocaine. Yeah, went straight to Paris Hilton. And then they called the police. They called the EMTs because they found out. I was like, so young. And then the cops were like, we're like whatever

and then they're like, you need to call your parents right now and we're going to leave them voicemails. Saying you were doing coke in the bathroom? I guess. So then we just gave, like, what's your mom's number and we just gave them our own phone numbers?

Right. And then we got handed tickets with restraining orders from Club parents. How long? That restraining order has to be lifted by now. The club's gone. Oh no, what happened?

I don't think it went well. I don't know how long. Probably somebody got like day raped there. No, come on, really? You have to black in to get in. It sounds like your kind of club, Michael is good.

Not mine because I would you do at Rollins. Oh no, so I never went to, so I would never go to Rollins just because I grew up in Winter Park. So I was like, it was like you wouldn't go to the school. But like none of your friends went there, so you never like went there to a party? No, no, no. So like my hometown bar, like if I was in town for Thanksgiving, we would all go to fiddlers like or porch or something like that. Like that would be where I would go back. Winter Park's nice.

Yeah, I grew up rich. Yeah. Hometown bars just hit different too. Well, it's not. It seems like it's not working out. Oh, no. I pissed all the way. It is.

I pissed all the way. Sorry. Same thing with me. I grew up rich too. Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah, it sucks if you didn't. Yeah, it was great.

I was in the green room once at the mothership, and I can't remember who it was. It was like a bigger comic, and he was like, it's a lot of people love to, like, talk about how, like, poor they grew up as, like, a flex almost. Oh, for sure. You know, they'll be like, yeah, it was, like, so hard this.

And I'm like, and he was, like, just, like, going on telling me all, about like his childhood and having no money. And I was just like sitting there. He's like looking at me to say something. I was like, that sucks. Yeah.

He's like, I was really poor. He was like, all right, that sucks, dude. I don't, I don't know.

It's kind of on your parents to grow up poor. Yeah. It's like, you don't really have control over that. No, definitely not. Yeah, you don't have like,

you can't control your finance. Not to be unlikeable, but I'm just like, what you want me to say? It's like, they're fucking fault. Like, like pull yourself up by your own bootstrapes.

Yeah. You know? Every old man I like tries to explain. I go, I fucking march myself into that office. And I say, look here, I'm, I'm qualified for this job. And I'm not going to leave this office until you offer me a job. Yeah, yeah. I remember when I was little, we used to always ask my grandfather about the olden days.

Yeah. So we would say, we're like, what happened in the olden days? He's like I had several slaves. It was pretty chill. I think one of my great-grandfathers had like two families. You know, that was so crazy. You know what's so funny is Kurt always talks about this, how the American dream has changed because

like the American dream was originally you come to America and like you can have two families you can have enough money make enough money to have two families and now nobody has two families anymore because everything's gotten too expensive and so America's changed yeah it used to be a good There is like a population decline finally Wait what is how do you know about the two families

Oh I this is like a great grant I just I know because I know I want to hear more No I don't know if they got if he got caught or what but it's just a crazy Why do you think it? because someone told you? Yeah, yeah. I think my mom told me my great-great-grandfathers

and they had like two families. I know a girl who, she grew up in Connecticut and her dad had a whole second family in Texas. Because women can't do that because it's like, how do you,

I guess like it's just like I have to travel for work. Yeah, it's like so exhausting to to have to like fucking fly between two places. I know two people who did that actually. It's crazy

because they have a whole second family with other kids and they have like, they have another dog. I would want to. That's wild, man. Right? You think about it. Like the dog would be like, yo, you smell like another fucking family.

Yeah. Like they had a golden, she was like, they had a golden retriever in Texas. And then they had like, like, a Cocker Spaniel in Connecticut. I guess like Texas is like cheap because there's no fucking state tax. Yeah, there's no income tax. There's no income tax. But, you know, it's like you're probably going to get like killed by a homeless person. Is it really that? I mean, oh, it's out of control. You think it's worse than here?

It's out of control. It's worse than San Francisco. In Austin or where? In Austin. I just lived in Austin for a year. Yeah, did you get mugged? No, but I did ride, because everyone rides those scooters,

and I was riding one in the daytime and a homeless person grabbed my butt. Yeah, they'll do that. And I was like, I called my friend, I was like, I think I just got sexually assaulted. I just met the guy of my dreams. In the fastest way, too, though. It's got to, like, happen before you go to do it.

It was honestly rattling. And so it's scary. It was scary. I've never been like, oh my God, I was molested. Well, I don't think it's called molested if you're a dog. Is it still called? No, it's still molested, dude. I just learned this.

I thought molestation and rape were the same thing, and it's just rape as a child is just called being molested. It's not. I just found this out. It just means being groped. Yeah, because molested sounds gentle. Like, I know it sounds like Michael Jackson took like a feather and people. I can say I was molested as an adult.

Yeah, yeah. I thought it was just a thing for kids. No, it's for everyone. Not just for kids anymore. Not unlike breakfast cereal. Well, because I was talking to this girl. Another story is a girl I was just sitting there and she was. She starts going on about her life to me.

Like, I was raped and I was molested. Damn. All this stuff. And I'm just sitting there. I'm like, oh, I'm so sorry. Do they let you do fucking Coke in the green room? I'm just like, I'm in a green room. I don't know what we're doing right now.

Do they let you fucking party in the green room? Um. Or are they like little fucking health nut faggots over there? No, they have like a stocked bar in there. But like, I mean, like, Coke. I want to do Coke. Go to the bathroom, man. Yeah, it seems like a, I like doing it in the table and the green room.

That's how you know, like, you're in at the club. Where have you done that? Lincoln Lodge. That's an improv place. Yeah, well, I was... Do improv guys do coke? Is that thick? No, it was more coke for me.

That's like the nerdiest fucking liberal. I've done coke in every major... They would love for you to say free Palestine there. They do. That's why I got booked there. Did you say you've done coke in every major city? In every major club in every major city. Like, where else?

Just everywhere. San Francisco, New York. Were you booked at the clubs or you just walked in? Yeah. And you're like, oh my good? Like, are you on the shirt? You're like, no, I'm just here to do coke. It was both.

It was both. With the newsboy hat on, he just walks in the green room and just chops with some months. I turn my newsboy hat backwards when I'm serious about doing coke. So you do a lot of Coke? I do a lot of Coke. You're from Winter Park. I feel like you probably do a lot of acid. He loves doing coke.

I've done like six years. Yeah. Are you an acid guy? No, because first I took shrooms, I freaked out and pulled on myself. So, like, I can never fully let go. So what drugs do you do? I love ketamine. Oh, God.

I love going into a K-hole, dude. You ever, I hate kale. Have you ever started throwing up on ketamine? No, no. What? Oh my God. I had this roommate when I lived somewhere around here once. And, and she, all she did was go to raves.

She was so hot, too. I like that. Yeah, she's beautiful. And then she just goes to raves. She models and she does tons of ketamine. Be careful. He's wearing sweatpants. And she got me into ketamine.

And because in the pandemic, I was sober. And then obviously I relapsed because there was a pandemic. It was impossible to stay sober. And I just got really. literally in decay. Yeah. And she was, we just do so much.

I remember I did like, because I, when I first started doing ketamine, I didn't understand, because I was a big Coke head when I was younger. You got treated differently. Yeah.

When I was like little, I was like, you know, I started doing Coke when I was 15 and I was like a massive Cokehead. And then when I was starting to do ketamine, I was like doing like full lines of it, like gator lines.

And then I would just like start, I just started like projectile vomiting. I did ketamine therapy and it was horrible. When they shoot you up and stuff? Yeah, because a lot of them, So the place I went to, there was newer. So a lot of them, they do like an IV drip.

So it like goes into your system slower. But the place I went, they just took a needle and injected it. And you so it hits you in like 30 seconds. And I was like, oh. And then the doctor was like, are you feeling it five minutes later? And since I'm a drug addict, I was like, I don't feel anything. So he hit me again with another shot. And then before I note, I am projectile vomiting for like an hour.

And then after I left, like three hours later, I was on the show. street walking from the doctors and I am just like there's like two police standing outside some pizza place like arresting somebody and I just start projectile vomiting and the cop goes excuse me miss are you okay I was like I'm fine I was just doing ketamine therapy and the policeman was like all right this stupid white girl yeah and I'm like in a sweater I'm like I was just doing my ketamine yeah well one time I'm all right I got you're talking about do drugs and bathroom one time I was doing ketamine in the bathroom of this place you don't need to preface it like it's okay

No, yeah. You were like, so you were actually already talking about during drugs in a bathroom stall? Yeah. Now I can, now that the topic's been breached. Yeah, now I can hop in on it. Now I can talk about this. But it was like, I was doing it in the bathroom. I just did not lock the door behind me.

And then this African guy's like whatever like. An African guy? Yeah, like the assistant there. It wasn't like a guy with like one of the hats on. It was like the assistant that worked there. He was African? Yeah, yeah. Like a security guard there.

Oh. But he's like, what are you doing in here? You cannot be doing this. And then I'm just cahling. And I was like, good. to try to explain to him that it's not coke and I'm like he doesn't care and I just I zeld him like 80 bucks like you can go back in there you can keep doing the drugs in here and I just like look you sell me 80 dollars and then you're like everything the light touches yeah yeah we're just talking about the new african have you heard about the new adolf hitler no there's a nambian politician named adolf hitler oh my god is he hot he's really cute he's you know what I think he's got a cute little face he's kind of like a teddy bear look, but he refuses to change his name. Oh, I think I'm still on a

call with you. That's funny. Are you really? You've been on the call this whole time? Yeah, I think it said just ended. Adolf Hitler Nambia. I hope you have unlimited minutes on your phone plan. Oh yeah, his name is Adolf Hitler Unona. Look at that guy. He's cute. Wait, his name

is Adolf? Yeah, so apparently fucking Germany, they have like a ton of like, they had colonies in Africa. So there's like African places where like there's tons of dudes named Adolf there. In Africa. Yeah, in Nambia. Yeah, yeah. I have a

friend, and his last name is Himmler. But wasn't Himmler also a bad guy? There was... Himmler was the number... The main general for Hitler. He's like... He was the... He was the death chambers and shit. Yeah, he was like the number... He was number two. Yeah. He was like one that

really, like, made it happen. He was like the Dick Cheney of his George W. Bush. He was a... He was a big, big part of it. Yeah. He was like... the reason they studied like the occult and shit. But wait, wait, Bush was just a figurehead. So you're saying is Hitler wasn't even, he was just...

Hitler was just an artist. Yeah, and then he just... Yeah, he was just an artist who ran out of... He didn't need to amuse. Yeah. And then Himmler took over. He didn't take over. He was just the...

He was like operating and he was like running all the shit. Yeah, he was like kind of like... Maybe he was kind of like puppet. He was a puppet master, yeah. It was kind of like how Biden wasn't really there. Right. So what you're saying is Himmler was like Kamala and then Hitler was like... Yeah, but Kamala didn't do shit.

As far as we know, I think she was doing something. I don't know. Yeah, you think she was using her big boss mommy energy? Yeah, she's so smart. He's like, hey, Kamala, how about you stop fucking running the country and breastfeed me? You know what I'm saying? Oh, I know what you're saying. That's what I would vote for.

Well, she did kind of have, she has that kind of Xanax. I'm kind of wondering if she was doing stuff or if, like, a lot of people were like, Obama was shadow puppeting, all of it. That'd be sick. Yeah, I'm not saying that because he's black, but that'd be cool. From the darkness. Yeah, if he were a white guy, he would just be puppeting. Yeah, yeah, he's shadow puppeting. Shadow puppets.

That's what black people do. That does sound like a racist term for black people. Get out of your shadow puppet. That sounds so bad. Get out of my damn. We don't slough of shadow puppets at the store. That's tight, dude. Yeah.

We drop it a new slur for 2026. Yeah, I have not heard of you. You're leaning in. Are you serious? Right? To your new slurs. Yes, yes. What do you mean, are you serious?

Did I? Yeah. All of a sudden, you, Are you serious? I was like, did I say something crazy? We're goofing. No, I mean, I mean like, you're ever since, you know, you were banned from all the clubs, you're just going to go hard now.

Are you sure it wasn't the cocaine in the bathroom? You sure it was the, the Palestinian? What other, other, do you get banned from clubs on the road, too, for us? Every, every fucking club I go to on the road. Shut the fuck. They're like, here's a check. Don't ever come back. Well, it's because you yell about free Palestine instead of doing jokes.

And also, I believe the age of consent needs to be radically lowered. Do you believe it should be based on weight? I believe it should be based on weight. based on how much you care about the person. There's a love equation. So it's like it's like it's love plus time. It's like this guy clearly loves this girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know? Yeah. Did she allow to love? What if she doesn't love him? Then it can't, then it cannot be. Because like what is, what is love between two consenting and dogs?

So they both have to agree. You know about McKenzie Phillips? What does she do? She's, her dad is, momas and papas. Oh, yeah. And she was, her dad, I guess, raped her when she was 12.

And then they went into a consensual relationship. And they had sex for like 10 years. And he would like get jealous when she had a boyfriend, but then she'd like go back and they were in love. Well, that's nice. And the mom found out. So she was pissed. Mom's a fucking little tattletail. But yeah, no, McKenzie ended up coming out about it.

Is she a comic? Yeah. No, sure. Dad's in the mama. She's a famous. She's like a very famous nepo baby. Yeah. You know the Mamas and Pappas? They sing that song, California Dreaming.

Oh, yeah. All the leaves are brown, all the leaves are around. And the sky. Like my daughter's butthole. Like my daughter's butthole. But yeah, it's like this crazy story. She became like a crazy, like real bad heroin addict before she like just, you know, told everybody what happened. Yeah.

Like, oh, my dad's been raping me since I was 12, but then we went into a consensual relationship because we liked each other. That's so wild. And it was like, he was just touring and just like killing it. And she would like go on the road with her dad. It's pretty chill. I think she would get jealous It was like anyways But she fully forgave her father

Well that's nice Well you know it's a crazy Like one of this So do you know the Jack Nicholson thing With his fucking mom and his sister Mm-mm Jack Nicholson's sister was actually his mom And then his mom was actually his grandma

So because his mom got pregnant with him Super early She lied and said she was his sister So people wouldn't think like Oh this is like super fucked up A teenage daughter Yeah yeah So his sister

is actually... Can I look up how old? Yeah, yeah. Probably like 14, 15. Yeah. So it's like, but it's the most confusing thing to try to understand

because his sister is, because his sister is actually his mom, who he thought was his other sister was actually his aunt, who he thought was his grandma was actually his... I guess, no, that would have gone up one. So his grandma is actually his great grandma,

or who he thought was his mom was actually his grandma. So it all goes up like one level. Nicklinson, mom. That's not too bad. He's a sexy man, dude. He's a cool guy. He's just effortlessly cool.

Oh, she was 17. she wasn't that young. But maybe back then. I don't know. Back then, it was expected to have like a fucking kid at like 15. She was a show girl.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. That's not that young. Colored fella. What's that? Nicholson learned the truth about this from Time Magazine researchers in 1974.

Oh, dude, that's just got to fuck your brain up so much. What do you mean? My mom is my grandma and my sister's my mom. You think you kind of handle the truth? Yeah. Maybe he just could

He could use it in acting Well because Chinatown His first movie is like sort of a weird thing with Yes, exactly Faye Dunaway That movie is one of my favorite films Yeah It's based on the Mamas on the Pompas

Is it really? No it's not They were ahead of the curb I guess Yeah Curve or curve Curve? Curve yeah I would have said curb

Yeah It's probably because our education In private schools They don't really teach you anything Do you? No, they just like How the South was right Did you let go in a private school?

I loved it. I mean, I don't know. It's all I know. That's all you know. You're from like a gated community. Isn't that funny? No, I'm not from a gated community. You're from a gated community.

That's what they have in like Florida. Oh, yeah. They don't have them where I was, but I went to boarding school. Damn. So you're like Princess Jasmine and I'm like Aladdin. Okay. Because I was like on the streets. Yeah.

Like from ages like 13 to 17. What do you mean on the streets? I was like living on the streets at the time. What about your family? I didn't have a family at the time. They left me. Why? All kinds of shit.

basically because I've always been outspoken on Palestine. Yeah, they were like, yeah. Can you tell the truth about something? No, I can't. But why? It's not the kind of content I want to put out there on the internet. Yeah, it's... We're not here for a journal.

You're not going to read my journal. So you were on the streets? I was on the streets. You lived on the streets. Were you a drug addict? No. So were you up to you up to? What did you eat?

I ate, like, basically, I went to, like, restaurants afterwards. I'm like, are you going to throw that out? I pretended, like, this nice Italian guy. and he would bring a big bowl of pasta out in the back alleyway and I would like eat it. Sometimes like dogs would come by and pick it.

You'd slurp it together. One time I'd like eat a noodle and like this dog was like sucking on the other end of the noodle and we ended up kissing and it was a little romantic. That'd sound cute. Did you, where'd you sleep? In a cardboard box. It was very sad.

Yeah, well we have reverse childhoods because we grew up rich and then, you know, I never talk about this. This is so refreshing. And then like, and then I won the lottery. so I'm actually rich now. Yeah. And I choose to dress like this

to be amongst the people. Well, we appreciate that. It's like when Princess Jasmine went to the streets of Agrabah. I want to cosplay as a homeless person. It's like you're being a character, you're doing a character on the pod, but like I don't know what the character is.

Yeah, the character is called Joe Gorman, and it's nice to meet you. Okay. So what else are you up to, Joe? Do you still do Fight Club? Does that exist? The comedy fight club? Weren't you doing that a lot?

I mean, I was judging it. That's what I meant. I thought you were like running it. Not as much. It's only like when Matt Merrin corners me in real life. And it was like, do you want to judge a bike club? And I'm like, I guess so. I guess I can.

And he's like, I got December 24. So, you know, we have time to get ready. And it's like, okay. And I'm not going to get ready. I'm not going to write shit, you know? I'm going to live in the moment like I always do. Yeah. I hate that shit.

I hate that like, I'm at my fucking desk by candlelight writing like my set with a quill. Some shit is antiquated, you know? Yeah. I'm just going to do Coke and have God speak through me. Do you do a lot of Coke? I do Coke every day. That's the kind of guy I am. Can I talk about my weekend?

This has been the weirdest podcast I've done in so long. Why? There's just a lot different things going on right now. I just don't know what he's talking about. We're all just chilling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell us. Well, I briefly want to talk about growing up rich, too.

The funny part is like it, like my living on the streets will just be me telling my kids about when I sold plasma for like two years. Because I used to sell plasma. I ever done that? It's disgusting. It's literally like, whoever needs like $50 today is like a piece of shit because it's like just me and a bunch of other people and it's terrible and they can't find your arm.

Does it hurt? It hurts really bad, yeah. Especially they'll have like a new nurse there sometimes. And you get $50 at a time? Yeah, yeah. I could do that. Yeah, I'm about to say, it's not like you're about to...

Where are you to go? It's called Olgham Life. Yeah, hopefully they'll get me out. Do you go there still? No, no, no. I lucked out. My day job started making me like some money now. So I'm like, which I randomly just became...

I, it's a good test run for if comedy ever goes well because I am like, oh, I got to learn how to responsibly handle money because I've been like, I've been like having a little bit of fun recently, but, a little too much fun. Why are you on hinge? No, no, I delete all the apps because it's like. It's sad. Yeah.

Why? The apps are just a sad place. Why? It's just people wanting to follow. Oh my God. I found out I was raped on the, on the, on the apps. Wait, did you have a story first? You can't if I can say it.

But I was raped. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Tell me about your weekend. Yeah, yeah. Tell me about your weekend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyways, maybe rape could wait. Wait, did you match with somebody?

And then later on, they were like, do you remember this night? You're like, I don't. Basically, what happened was kind of. So I matched with someone on Raya. Cute. And then I, they were like, oh, look who it is. And I was like, oh, my God, hey, because I remembered them. Because we had matched on Hinge in 2021.

And this happened, like, a few months ago. And then we started, like, texting. and to like hang out again because he has like all I'm mutual friends with my friends from growing up and he's just like you would think he's just like a normal whatever nice guy and then fucking I'm looking

then he starts texting me and he goes so do you remember any of our encounters he goes how much do you remember about any of our encounters and I was like I wrote what I thought about it I was like I remember 10 minutes of the first date and then he goes and then he was like

he was like do you remember anything else and I was like uh I guess do we bang and like I was like I don't know it was really dark either in the rumor in my head I said because I'm a black I'm a blackout yeah and I was like do we bank he's like oh yeah we did it was hot I want to like flip you over again and do this I was like I don't know what you're talking about yeah yeah that's wild yeah yeah it's and then he just started I'm like uh I don't know what you're talking about and then he just kept going and going with it and I just like, I said to my friend, I go, what is happening? Like, what happened?

They're like, oh, it seems like you were raped. And I was like, wow. Yeah, that's not good. I call it a ghost rape because it came back to haunt me years later. Yeah, it was disappearing. Isn't that weird? I guess I was there. Maybe I was like, sure.

But like, it's weird if I like don't remember anything and I like was like, I mean, when I get that drunk, like my legs stop working. Yeah, so it's not like your ones, because I, I remember 10 minutes of a first date. well because I'll black out but like I do have a thing where like I don't seem fucked up which can be a problem in some ways because I'll be talking and people are like oh I had no idea so I'll say like the most retarded shit people are like we thought you were serious when you said all that stuff I was like yeah I was just goofing but uh that's different I wasn't like hey I feel you on that one since and then I met another guy in the apps and he was like the six three

guy from Australia named beau and he was and he was so hot and I was like sending it to my friend, I sent it to Tori, you know Tori Cole. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. She goes, that guy lives in my building. He's not Australian and he's fucked all my friends. And I was like, God damn. Wait, so he's pretending to be Australian on that. I guess maybe he was born there? I don't know. But he

messaged me and he was like, I loved you on Kill Tony. And I was like, okay. And then he just started quoting like my whole Kill Tony to me. And I'm like, it's a little weird. Yeah. And then he was like asking to hang out. And then I was like, he's so hot anyways. And then Tori's like, yeah, he's not from Australia. That's such a weird lie. Well, there's a thing called

rape by what's called Rape by Deception. They like out What? What? What? Yeah, if you lie, sorry Joe, you might have some charges. Then technically everything. Yeah, you lie in it. This podcast is definitely raped by deception. You have a single true thing. Yeah. I was like, yeah, I don't know what's

raped by deception? If you lie, it's, they change the law, but if you lie enough to fuck somebody, then they consider, they used to consider rape, but then a bunch of trans people got in trouble because they were like, no, I'm gonna check this whole time. No, I'm tricking people left and fucking right, dude. I mean, That's funny because it does admit

that there's like some level of deception to trans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, honestly, like, if I had sex with like a fucking beautiful woman and then it turned out that they were actually just like a brain damaged man, I would kill them. I would fucking kill them for sure. Yeah. 100%.

Not a bit. Not a joke. Now it's serious. Yeah. This is the first time he's not lying. Yeah. Wait a minute. There's a possibility I might be perceived as gay somehow in a scenario that I make up

in my own head. I don't think. so. Yeah, I wasn't. See, for me, when I found out that happened to me, I was like, oh, I could just Yeah, that actually did not. You were, he was actually raped by a man, yeah. Wait, when?

This weekend? No, and I was 19. That was this week? No, this week it did get kind of gay, but this, no, when I was 19, I banged a 49-year-old woman that ended up being trans. She had a pussy and everything. And I found out, but it took me, like, I had to meet a couple trans people, and then their voices and mannerisms.

I was like, huh. Yeah. And then I reached out later and she told me she was trans. I know a guy who was saying that he was like real fucked up and like on Tinder. and he's talking to some girl. Turns out he told me she actually wasn't even hot. But he was just like really wanted to have sex with someone. And he was like, oh, it's like hook up.

It was like during the pandemic. And she's like, yeah, come over. But like my roommate, he wants to be there too. And he's a dude. And he was like, all right, whatever. Yeah. So he thought the guy was just going to like sit there and watch. And then he said he was like fucked up.

And he was like, um, he said he was like sitting on a bed, but he was like really blacked out. And the girl was like blowing him. And then he like felt something. And he looked down and the dude had switched out. Oh my God. And the dude was blowing him. And he said he like pushed the guy off and like ran out like naked.

And he was like, I've been assaulted. Yeah, that's fucked up. But then I kept telling him, I'm like, you knew the dude was there. You're gay. And he's like, no. But see, I'll defend him on every, because I've, I've banged guy's wife like with them. And whatever. I'm done saying I'm straight.

I consider myself straight. But like, half the time I'm like, whatever. It's just an Iful tower. But I have had the iPhone I've had banged the guy's wife before And then he starts putting his hand on my back To push and I'm just like Nah, no, no, no, no no

They just get involved all out of nowhere Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah He was like it was dark, I was drunk And I didn't know what is happening Yeah, well that, yeah, that would be a weird If I was fucking a guy's wife I'd be like lights, lights on, lights definitely on This is what's happening

Well, yeah, he was like 19 Yeah, yeah Or do you, part of me thinks that he knew I don't think so I think like, I mean, I have no I don't know the guy I don't know the guy doesn't count I mean that way yeah

no but I think he was assaulted yeah yeah well either way he didn't agree to you know I mean even if he let it he was blackout drunk so but no this weekend Even if he was like yeah the dude can be involved he probably didn't agree for the dude to be sucking his dick yeah yeah if I did that I'd be like now you have to be

I was like how could you not notice them switching out they like do that thing where you're getting your dick sucks sometimes you're just like your head's back yeah but maybe he felt like a beer or something. He's like, wait a second. Oh, it feels so good getting my dick suck. I'm just going to lean my head back and close my eyes and satisfaction. I can't see any. Wait a minute. That feels sort of whiskery all of a sudden.

Well, I better just go look down and reaffirm my beautiful fucking woman is still sucking my... So you're a big threesome guy? Not a big. He loves threesomes. Where do you find these on field? Yeah, I used to do it on field. And then occasionally in the wild, but... Is field a safe place? I don't think for women. For dues, it's great. I don't think for women it's a same place.

I think it's really bad for women. It's easy pickets for a man. Because I downloaded field and it got real creepy. Yeah, immediately. I bet. Well, I think online dating is just initially creepier for a woman anyway. And then, like, this guy I was dating, we're like, okay, let's have a threesome. And we started, like, he's like, oh, I put a group chat with this girl who, like, because you can put your partner on it with you.

Yeah. And then he's like, all right, I'm going to add Chloe to the chat. And the girl's like, yeah, I only do like what couples want. I'm very respectful. And he's like, okay, I made a chat with Chloe. And the girl was like, or you and I can just stay in this chat and like fill the vibe. If you could send me a photo of your dick. And I'm like, he told me about that.

I was like, what the fuck is this? Yeah, because I was like, that girl's just trying to fuck you now. Yeah, there's definitely like a branch off where like there's definitely people that are just trying to infiltrate couples. And they're like, yeah, no, I'm just like the three-some person. But they're like, no, I'm going to be one-sum person. And then they're like trying to just fuck the guy or the girl. Yeah.

Well, I had a weird one where I matched this girl and she did like a phone call thing because she's like married. And she's like, okay, so here are the rules. She's like, I'm married so I can't sleep at your place. You have to have limited sexual partners. But I want a serious boyfriend outside of my husband. And I'm like, that's insane. That's a little greedy.

And then we matched later. And then she's like, oh, you have a podcast? She's like big red flag. I was like, you have a husband. That's a bigger red flag. I can look past that. You can't look past a podcast. That's funny.

Oh, but this week it was funny. And I had to delete all the apps. It's just like, I don't know, it's a little annoying. And then this week And my buddy is really into like German techno I was like come check out this place But you guys got to dress super gay to get in Because like some of those nightclubs are like super like

And it's a gay club? I think it turned out to be one I get tricked pretty often But the only way to get there's secret handshake to get in You have to stick your cock all the way down the bouncer's throat That's how you'll know That's how like you get approved I'm like someone feels gay about this club yeah

You have to come within five minutes so they know you're legit about wanting to see the club. Well, I thought they were going to like gay test. So I was like, it's my buddy's birthday. And I'm like, yeah, I'll go to a... It's funny how much it's changed since high school. Because, like, high school or college, like, you better not look gay coming to this party.

And now it's like, you better look fucking gay. It's a generational thing. It's like, uh, Gen Z is like, no, everyone is fucking gay. Yeah, yeah. I blame Netflix. Yeah, you think it's the... I have all these fucking momos running around. And they're like, oh, look, they can be an astronaut now or fucking...

Right. What's a momo? It's short for homo. Oh. Yeah It's unsafe, dangerous You're with a new term Shadow puppets,

Momos I know You know, Romo's old dude Yeah Momo's old as time itself But you're tapped in You should make a dictionary

Of all these I think I will Like a new urban You tapped in You tap dancing Yeah Yeah I'm tap tap tap tap

Tapin away Taping boys Taping boys Tap tap tap Tap tap tap A tap A Tapa And part of here

Is tapping the keg Oh Oh There we go And I'm tapping That ass Oh shit Not yours

Good No one's actually... Off limits. He actually told me he dressed down for this. He's like, I know Chloe's going to try to come on to me. So he's like, I'm wearing my sweater. I know Chloe's going to look like shit. So I'm going to dress down for this.

Oh, come on, Chloe. Don't speak ill with my good friend. Am I married? Yeah. I'm engaged. For how long? We've been engaged for about six months now. Why did you choose not to wear the ring?

Because, dude. I don't want to hurt all those women. That's a good point, yeah. I'm still trying to sell tickets, you know. I hear you. to use that body. Yeah. They're not going to,

not going to get on their own. You should become a magician. I should. Side of hand. Yeah. I'm like, I would do that. Like,

I'm going to saw a woman in half. And then, like, I just saw her in half and she's like, screaming in the blood everywhere. And I'm like, all right,

I need another volunteer from the audience and just slowly cut every woman in the audience in half. And I'm like, hey, guys, I made all of your problems. And then you just yelled free Palestine.

Yeah. He's like, they kicked me out because I yelled free Palestine. It's like, no, because you murdered 30 people. It's like I made, fellas, I made all of your headaches.

Disappear! And all the guys I give a standing ovation. While their wives are just going to have. Fuck yeah. I can fucking watch. I can play video games again. I can watch TV. I can do that special handshake with the boys.

Yeah, where you mouth fuck the bouncer. But the funny things, so we, me and Mahoney, it was me and, you know, Joe Mahoney? Nobody wants to hear this story. I know. I'm just kidding. Nobody does. I'm pushing this story. Yeah, I know, Joe.

Yeah. So we were like come back from this gig so we're like, all right, well, let's go to this thing. And he's like, you got dressed super gay. And Joe Mahoney's just like a long island guy. So I'm like, he's a musician though also. Yeah. But I was just like, he's just dressed pretty straight. I had some like gayish stuff because of the field day. So I had like a collar. This is a good boy. What? What are you talking about? The field days you had to wear gay stuff to be on field? No, but it's like I've like I have like weird sexual like clothes. I was like like I have like a collar and a leash. It's it's weird. But yeah. Cool. Yeah. But I was like, I have this. We got to get Joe something. So we got him like a yellow rain jacket and like wicked sunglasses to the movie. I was like, this looks kind of gay. Because it looked kind of like high fashion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it didn't work. It just looked fucking weird. So I was like, we're like, all right. The only way for us to get it is if Joe has me on a leash. Because we're like, that'll be how we like fake. Was that gay? It got that gay.

Well, we didn't know. We were just like, let's figure it out. He puts me out a leash for a second. I was like, I don't like, this is really uncomfortable. I'm not doing this. Thought you've been on that leash. Yeah, but not with a man on the... Like, I hate when dudes tell me what to do,

but it's hot if a woman tells me a girl. So you like to be a sub. I'm a switch. Only if a sub, only if it's a woman. Yeah. You like to be a Dom. Only if it's a Patreon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

If it's a man, I'll tell him what's up. You don't be a Dom ever? No, I do. I'm a Switch. Like, I like doming and subbing. Why would a man want to... Do you get pegged? Yes, he does.

Did it feel bad? I didn't like it all. Which sucks to find out you don't like, because then you just got ass fucked and you're like, That's not for me. You should know. How would you know? Have you ever taken like a big shit?

Have you ever taken like a finger in your butt? Yeah, I didn't like that. But somebody's like, somebody talked to me on it. They're like, no, no, no. There's like a point further where the dude G-spot is. What are your fetishes? Oh, I got a bunch. Like what's a fetish fetish fetish?

Like as a sub, like I've been spat on before. I've been peed on. I like that. It's fun. What's this fetish that people talk about big daddy little girl? Or how do they say BD? Oh, yeah, B, D, LG. I think that's just like when, I think a girl, like, when I call girls, like, if a girl calls you daddy,

I think that's part of that, like, role. But isn't it, like, supposed to be, like, isn't that one a more aggressive version? Maybe. Like, a little sexually taboo. Isn't it kind of, like, rape fantasy-ish? That's probably, yeah, it's probably part of a consensual, not consensual. Same with, like, you know, like, it's like when, like, they call, like, a woman mommy, you know. I've done that, that's.

That's fun, too. Yeah. Especially if they're lactating. You've had sex with a lactating moment. And they're like, blah, baby hungy. Yeah. And like, then like part of the role play is like, to breastfeed me, burps me,

changes my diaper and then puts me to sleep. That's a big fetish. Yeah. What is that called when you want to be a baby? Infantilism. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like,

infantilism. Babab boo boo, money on dresser by crib. That's funny. But, oh, the funny part was like, I get there and then we're talking to this gay guy in line.

And first off, we started looking into the event. men a little more, which we should, and it's like, the queerest music. Like, how was the music gay? Like, it was, they were just throwing out words. I was like, you should just say this is. The queerest most unsafe fucking venue. Yeah, they should have said it's a fun butt fuck fart jizz out of here.

Like, they make it so gay by like saying things like that. If comes not dripping out of your asshole by 4 a.m., you didn't show up here. Yeah, that's how they should do it. But we get in line. You're like, hide your buttholes. It's going to be a good night. Yeah. Well, do we met this guy in line.

This is the funniest gay guy I ever met. he's 60, he goes, yeah, dude, found out a year ago. He's like, I had no clue. We're like, there's no way you had no idea. Like, sorry, you buy or something. He goes, not, dude, I'm fully gay. I had a wife and kids.

I just found out I was gay. He goes, how do you find out? I have no idea, but he's like, that would have been my first question, but. He was like, trying to keep the relationship with his wife alive, and she's like, let's try pegging. And then he's like, oh, my God,

this is great. I just wish it was, like, with a big, meaty cock and not my stupid wife who I'm fucking stuff with. Have you ever sucked a dick? No, no, I'm not attracted to men. Like, I'm just not. You're made out with a dude? No.

Kissed? Yes. I was in Italy and this girl said she'd suck my dick if I pecked a guy on lips. And I was like, I was like 14, I was doing like an exchange program. And I was like, this is a fair deal. I was like, it would be gay for me not to do this to get my dick sucked by a woman. And she's like, I'm not going to suck your dick. You guys are fucking gay.

And then I was like, ah. Damn. It's like you're about to get raped by a fucking Momo, bitch. Yeah, yeah. That should have said. You can get dark. Yeah. Why didn't you say that?

Yeah, you can't get charged if you're 14. It's a great point. Time machine, man. It's like, okay, it's going to go on your permanent record. You could go to Jufie and just get more. You got to write, I will not sexually assault a woman like 15 times on the blackboard. On the chalkboard. How did you find out the woman that you had sex with was a man?

Well, so, wait a minute. Why was her clitoris so big and penis shaped? No, she had a pussy to everything. It was like, I just, dude. I grew up in Florida. There was like no trans people there. So I just didn't know what that was. was and then I started working

at a call center next to a trans woman and I would kind of like look at her and I'm like damn she acts really similar to that old woman I had sex with and then I met like another trans person I was like oh this this is starting to all piece together and then I reached out to her on Facebook and asked her yeah did you trick me

yeah of course no she said technically I've been a woman my whole life on the inside oh my god that's like a sign of a fuck that's like admitting guilt yes I tricked you that's why there's a fucking federal law against it now Technicalities, man. They'll get you.

Oh, yeah. Well, technically, I've been a fully grown man my entire life, so it's not, you know. That's like how people are like, I identify. I've always felt like an Asian man on the inside. And then they podcast to tell you for years that they're Japanese. Yeah. And then when they say something really racist, you go, yeah, but you're Japanese. Right.

It's like, oh, so. Yeah. Oh, so. I'm a riri, Japanese. Yeah. Japanese if you're a priese. Why do you, but if you are Japanese, you would have this one too, right? I share it.

Have you ever done the goatee also? No, the Fumanschew. I have such like a fucking patchy beard. So I'm just going to focus on like, okay, well, I can get a mustache. I'm dying for a cigarette. You can have one after this. I mean, we have like 10 minutes left. We have been 10 minutes left.

Yeah. Three minutes. We have 10. I mean, if you guys have stopped. We have three minutes left. Just finish your fucking story about the weekend. It's fun. It takes an hour because we're derailing your story.

Prepping. We're just asking you about, we're basically just trolling you about being gay for an hour. Trying to figure out what level of gay he is. Yeah. I think I am the gayest straight guy that's still 100% straight. Are you sure you're 100% straight? You did have technically sex with a biological male. No.

They had a vagina. Technically, they were a man the whole time. A woman. This is Trump's administration. There's only two genders. Didn't he say that? He said that in his like acceptance speech. That is funny.

He's such a rascal. He's a goof and he's cute. He part of those turkeys. I think he used to be so hot. He used to be fucking cute. Like a young Trump? I'd fuck him. And like when you're saying like, oh, he's going to fucking rate his.

I would do a threesome with him and Melania. Yeah. She is really hot. Yeah. And like his daughter too. Oh my God. Ivanka's beautiful. Ivanka.

It's like, yeah, of course. Like people are like, oh my God. Trump wants to fucking have sex with Ivanka. It's like, dude, everyone wants to have sex with Ivanka. Yeah. If anything, it's like cool. Okay. at least we know he's not fucking brain dead

like fucking Joe Biden he wants to fuck a beautiful woman dude Well that would be tough because I I have found out my sister's hot Because like people would just be like Your sister's fucking hot And then that is a weird thing But like you don't notice it

I have to fuck your own sister Yeah to prove to everyone that you Then I'm not gay That you can pull a hot girl Yeah No but that's a fucking like Like I can't imagine having a daughter Like giant kids

But like you're not but you don't see him as that. You don't see immediate family as that. Apparently my mom's hot, but your mom's hot, your sister's on. Show me a picture. I will after the pod.

I'll show me now on air. You're wearing sweatpants. I don't see you get hard on this. Let's get my genuine reaction. I'm wearing a chastity belt. It's fine. Yeah, it's locked up. Kelly makes you wear it.

Anytime I podcast with a woman. I'm like Mike Pence. Like, if I can't be alone in a room with a woman and I have to have a chastity belt on it all time. That is a while. Didn't he say that? Yeah, he said that. Mike Pence said that.

I love that for him. He's like, and people are like, oh, my God. It's like, what's the alternative? I like being alone in a room with a woman. Mike Pence has always been such a good hang. He's a chill-frew. He's a good boy. What was it?

No, Trump like pardoned turkeys yesterday or something like that. That was kind of cute. But that's like something the president does every Thanksgiving. They pardon turkey. What are the turkey's crimes, though? Well, the turkey crime being a turkey in America on Thanksgiving. Yeah. So it's always like, okay, this is a turkey that's not going to get.

get killed, they're going to go to, like, a preserve. Okay. Yeah, he's just being, like, a good guy. You know, what was it? Benjamin Franklin wanted the U.S. bird to be the turkey, not the bald eagle. I would have liked that. But they were like, this is too ugly. Yeah, they're just kind of stupid.

I don't know if all these were smart, but they look smart and majestic. You know what? We're cool on the crow. Black crow. That's like the Native American thing. Yeah, we're all on Black Crow. Yeah. So that would be like a nice little homage to.

My family is Scottish part of them. And then they're like family crest because they were like Scottish Highland clans people. It's called the Monroe clan. And their crest is called, their motto is dread god. And it has like a black crow on it. That's tight. Wait, but it's like pro god, but just like. Yeah, but it's like, I guess a technically pro god.

But it's just like. Like those Fear God shirts in the night. Remember that shit? Yeah. So I got like a family crest ring of it. I lost it. but it has like the like the hawk or whatever's on it

and then under it just writes dread God. Normally this is fucking sick. That is kind of badass. You would get into the club. Right. Yeah. I assume if you're a chick,

they just let you, I don't know, because that was like, we wait in line for 10 minutes and we're like, we're not going to this because I don't know. It's like us.

This leash is chafing me. Yeah. I was like, I have to pee. Yeah, we can end right now. We can end right now. We're basically an hour.

Yeah. You can tell us about your weekend. Why don't you tell Joe about your weekend? I'll tell Joe about the weekend. Leave the door a jar so the audio gets picked up. Yeah. By the way, the weekend was like, that was like filler if we ran out of things. And we kind of did.

You wanted to talk about your day. Well, I was just like, you know. What was it talking about your day? Yeah. I bet if we get quiet enough, the mics will pick up. Pick up the beat. Yeah. A little pitter-patter against the, uh, against the porcelain.

Joe is Hey come on man Joe I'm not turning the mics up Come on a bad idea Just the gain a little bit By there was Leo confresi He would do my podcast Yeah

I'm sorry Leo confresi would do the podcast And he'd take like massive shits Nice He's like he's a super hood Dominican guy But then he'd play music over He'd be like bro I don't want to have you hear me shitting Yeah yeah

There must be some weird prison thing or so I was like I think it's just like Yeah it's like a thing It's like people like I'm like I don't know. I think it just depends on

if you grew up with roommates or something, you know? I guess so. I didn't know a guy that was molested that'd have to play water while he would

to the bathroom. Oh. Yeah, yeah. That's probably too much of a detail to tell but it wasn't me. It's okay, dude. Yeah, but like child molested,

not a doll molested. I try to like not pee directly into the water, try to pee on like the side. Really? So that way it makes like less noise. Huh. Yeah, that's one way to do it.

It's like you're peeing, but like it's like, it's gonna have. Like you're in the bath. It's like everyone does it. So it's like weird to make that taboo, you know. Yeah, I don't, I'll, I'll fart with the noises on. It doesn't really bother me.

I'll shit my pants, dude. Yeah. Yeah. No, we were talking about this comic who is very hood. He's going to. Michael's going to have his like sound engineer guy, like isolate that sound. Amplify. Amplify.

Enhance. Yeah. Yeah. That is like, it's like, it's the pee-p-cut. I mean, they're mostly, I always wonder, because there's a lot of gay foot guys that follow the podcast. I wonder if they, like, get disgusted when a woman's on the podcast. They're like, they're like immediately down. Yeah, maybe it's like, yeah.

Yeah, no, he gets like a thousand views per episode. Depending. Once I went back to my phone, it stopped because like the quality wasn't as good. But, um, yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I guess I need to buy a camcorder.

Yeah, yeah. It's funny that you're not even on mic. I just can't even have. I'm like thinking we're hanging out. I'm like, I have my phone. I'm like, I have my phone. It's too. Yeah.

Anyways, we left the gay club. Went to a weird Russian. Did you ever do after hours? That seems like something you would do when you were. No, you just go blackout. You just black out. I never, this person sent me an address. I can't hear about this weekend.

That's fine. By the way, I don't care that much. I'm trying to fill fucking airtime. You have sexed with this weekend. I'm not. Either he. Michael, I'm going to go smoke a cigarette. That's fine.

Either he. Joe wants to know about your weekend. and he texted me before I got here. I really wonder. I hope he had a great weekend, smiley face. That's what he wrote to me. It's either him lying, you telling a story and him interrupting you,

or... I learned a lot. Adolf Hitler is an African. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you want to promote? We'll just end it here. Because we... We're at an hour.

Yeah, we're at an hour. You don't have to. Chloe LaBranch, follow her on Instagram. Thank you, everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Follow Joe on Instagram. Yeah. Follow me home.

Yeah. Ooh. All right. I think she is leaving. I think she left all her stuff here. Well, you should take her headphones. Okay. You should take her headphones as punishment.

I think those are mine. Nottie little girl needs to be punished. All right. We gotta end it. What do you want to promote? Check out my pod. I do it with Alex Thomas Sully. It's called Super Sully Joe's.

follow me on Instagram at Joe W. Gorman. That's my tag on all social media. So if you're on it, I'm probably on it too. Thank you. Thank you.