Morning Good - Coffee Friends - Episode 129

Episode Date: November 2, 2022

Thanks to Joey Rinaldi and James Pontillo for coming back on the show. Check them both out on previous episodes and click the links down below for more information about them and shows they have coming up.You can find James on Instagram @pontillojames, and next time you're in Astoria, Queens check out his show Bitch Sesh. Joey is on Instagram @thejoeyrinaldi and also happens to run @badtripstorytellingshow as well in Astoria, so two great options to choose from.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to Morning. And we're starting. I'm here with Joey Rinaldi. Hey, hey. How you doing? That took you a second. I thought you were running a legitimate operation here.

I thought you're going to. introduce me and James and make a little like round table discussion. And James Pontillo. There we go. Now the crowd's into it. Yeah. People call him the big dig baller of Long Island. Is that where you're from? Astoria. Astoria. You're from Astoria? Now Bayside, but I live in Astoria. Where's Bayside? That's in Queens.

Oh, okay. Where are you from? I'm from Orlando, Florida. What a great way to start. Florida is always where my characters and Madden are located because it's like the default like home city and state for like every create your own player so throughout my life I've had so many players that I've created

I can't believe you're from Florida like you don't look like you've ever hit your girlfriend oh well you obviously don't know me yeah you don't know Michael Michael is he is the Florida man pull that prank in public which I don't think is his what that you hit her yeah yeah she'll be like she'll be like I know I deserve

like some prank like that like she'll be like you do look like you have hit women before it's the gut the beer gut is that what it yeah It's I hate women. I'm glad you have it be a good, because there was like a time, I think last summer you were talking about. I was drinking less. I was fucking so sad.

I didn't like you. You never said you were going to drink less? What's that? You told me you were going to drink less. And I got really mad about that. I did for a while. And we weren't hanging out because we couldn't have nothing in common at that point. Yeah, yeah.

My career was doing well. When you weren't drinking. No. There's been no correlation between those two things. While your career in drinking? Yeah, no. I didn't find it either when I wasn't drinking. Dude, I literally, I take a month off every year.

Because there's benefits. To both, to drinking and not drinking. It's like there is a thing called having a drinking problem, and I'll never admit that I have one, so we'll be fine. Well, I have a problem with you, Michael Good, because you are through and through one of my favorite people. I literally go around the whole comedy scene, singing your prayers. I'm always like, I love Michael Good, one of my favorite people.

You are one of the few people I don't shit on. Oh, dude. Yeah. Ditcher's beautiful. No, no, but this is my problem with you is that I do all this legwork telling everyone how much I love Michael Good. And they go, so how often you hang out with Michael Good? And you know my response to that is? Never.

You don't text me. You don't hit me up. And I text you. You won't respond to my text. I have his phone number, James. And let's get this. Get this. I have this guy's phone number.

And he waits till the day of his podcast, the DM me, DM me on Instagram. Is that this morning or yesterday? No, you DM me all the time on Instagram. Just being like, hey, can you come do my podcast? I'd be like, yeah, I'd love to you. What time? You'd be like in five minutes. Is this a Mori-povich show?

What's going on right now? I've said this on your podcast. a year ago. And I'm just saying it again. I love you. I want to be your friend. And I don't want to be your booty called Instagram. I'm a hard person to reach.

Not because I'm successful. It's because I'm retarded. It's because I... Dude, I have just zoned out... You're the most retarded fat fucking faggot. Two ex-fat people talking about being fat. I'm a retarded fat fucking retard. I can't wait for the day when I lose it and I'm fat of both of you combined.

It's going to have... That's hard, dude. It's gonna happen. Me and Michael are big men. Yeah, we're big boys. I've held both of you in my own. I know I have a you guys are. I was did in high school for a while because I would do a lot of...

When did you hold me in your arms? We've had moments in Tennessee or Denver where I'm just like holding you late at night. I carried me? I carried you. Like a baby kangaroo? I don't have a pouch or a pussy, so no, I didn't carry you like a baby kangaroo. I don't know why I was just thinking about this. I got a gut right here. I could fit a wiener right in there.

You think there's everything where you fucking dudes guys? Do you have any hot dogs laying around? I mean, get in there? We could for sure put one in between my stomach and my pubs. There's an area there now. I believe you. Which didn't always exist. Is it a word for that area?

Because that's a good area. It's an undergut. I call that area the part the nose goes during a blowjob. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When the nose is hitting that, you know something's going to happen. You should keep like... It's called Portland. Maine or Oregon.

I don't know. Oregon. Yeah. Talk, by the way, talk deeper. Nah, I'm good. you're going to deep throat your mic you sick bastard that's how it picks up the sound how much to watch you deep throat your mic

oh oh dude my jaw hurts I don't know how women do that yeah man I don't know it's a little easier but yeah but so so well it's easier me my dick is small but so I haven't seen either of you guys I feel like I'm taking over the show but I haven't seen either of you assholes

in a very long time I miss you both and can we like just catch up I'm annoyed that I had to get you guys on a podcast hey listeners we're gonna catch up first. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sit down. I don't care. You're not going to hear.

People tune in the morning good they want to hear. What does Michael think about the current events? You know, what does Michael think about the Ukrainian nuclear? Do you stand with Ukraine, Michael? I don't care. I don't care. I mean, the guy's a comedian I heard. I like that about him.

I do, too. But you could get some major pussy if you play it, right? If you're like, I care about those kids. I have a girlfriend that. She's going to change your opinion and fuck me more. I would be cool to take Russia's side. Be like, I stand with. Michael, let's go on a double date.

My girlfriend and your girlfriend. We're going on a double date, and we'll just talk about the Ukraine until they both start making out with each other. That's possible. That's possible. Yeah. My girlfriend, one thing I do you like my girlfriend with her,

she's so uninvolved in politics. Oh, yeah. And in your love life. She's out of it that says that, like, I will bring up stuff. I'm like, this? And then she's like, nah. Which I'm starting to get more nah,

because I'm like, I don't know anything about it. Well, yeah, I mean, Florida, like, it has the reputation of being super right-wing, but I think they just don't really care down there. Dude, you got out to a bar and four. If you were just fucked up, they're like, yeah, I don't care. Nobody does. So that was like me at this wedding recently.

This Saturday, I was at a wedding, and half the wedding's Trump supporters, another half of the people are, you know, liberal cucks or whatever you want to call them. Fucking pussies. And one thing leads to another, my brother is, like, steaming mad, yelling at my dad, being like,

dad, how can we be at this wedding with all these Trump supporters around? And my dad's like, dude, your cousin's getting married. Let's just be supportive. of her. Let's not make a scene. And I'd, like, be a referee in between my dad and my brother being like,

guys, can we just, like, smoke weed, not talk about politics, maybe do a body shut off my belly, butt, and hair, you know? Yeah, that's a good time. Like, I don't want to fucking talk about Joe Biden or Hunter Biden or any of the Bidens. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm center left. I do want to talk about Hunter, though, because he's... I'm probably center left, yeah. Yeah, Hunter's the main, though. Yeah.

I fucking love that. I wanted to be in for... Okay, we're talking about Halloween costumes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The problem is both will make me look conservative stuff. Well, I'm being a prison inmates. So that could be Hunter Biden. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, prison inmate. I want to wear it, but then say someone who's in prison that's funny when someone is who I am.

It's a cheap way to get a love. That's a lot. That was like, what if you just had your dress as a prison guard and then R. Kelly is just attached to you getting raped by you? I have to wear blackface? I think, no, no, no. I think he's in a good person, though. I feel like he's not like doing hard time. Dude, have you seen his videos in him just singing?

He's having, like, a phenomenal time. I mean, he's a great guy, hell of a singer. A great, great mentor, apparently. He had a couple bad dates. And he can't make it to the bathroom. I can't either. Some people are relatable. Why were those women in the way of him peeing?

But you're pissing about R. Kelly. Everyone's saying, why was R. Kelly hooking up with that 14-year-girl? No one ever says, why was that 14-year-girl looking up with Art Kelly? Because he was R-C-C-C-Ley. I'd hug up with fucking R-Celly. You know what else? about him, he's black. Yeah, big concern when it comes to the Pontillo family.

Pontillo is about to lose all of his endorsements. That was a funny thing. I saw a little boozy got really mad at like a Jeffrey Dahmer stuff. And he's like, fuck this shit, man, boycott the movie. It's also funny. Wait, why? What's wrong with the movie? Because it's like...

It's like... Murder? Yeah, people say it's supporting murder or whatever. But also, I don't know, listen to one of Lil Boosie songs. They're all about killing motherfuckers. You know, it's funny. When I was in college, I wrote a play and there was a character in the who is like a bad

SoundCloud rapper And I was like Was it you? And I was And I was And I was What's a good name For like a dumb sound cloud rapper

It's like oh little boozy And then I'm not Chitting you like A year later A little boozy became famous I'm like I invented that Like

Like that's how bad Rap names are becoming Where like I can think of it Just jerking off Like And they're like Oh that jerk off

You think of rap names And you're jerking off I mean Last long You know Do they turn you on rap names What rap name gives you a boner

Uh definitely only, that's a little baby because he's a fucking pedophile. Yeah, a little baby, that's what I call my dick. I'm trying to think. I like,

rap names that turned me on. Oh, Jada kiss. Jada kiss. It's a little sensual. Yeah. Give me a little kiss on that J, bro.

I don't even know it. I need help. Rap is a little busy thing. He's like, he's like, yeah, man, fuck this movie. You know, I get it. The families of the victims

obviously have never. So they pop on there. They see Jeffrey Dahmer. But it's like you can't expect to be part of that. Fuck the people who are related to somebody who got murdered by Jeffrey Dahmer. You're related to a loser, dude. Jesus Christ. Imagine that.

Imagine your sibling fell for Jeffrey Dahmer. He's ugly. You could do better. Well, that's the thing. They did want to fuck him at first. They liked him. They were into him. And then he murdered them.

So maybe that should be a lesson to people. Maybe you don't know. Wait, what way? How did Jeffrey Dahmer kill the other? Just don't fuck people because you might be murdered. What was the story? Was he just like, was he befriending people,

was just killing people? He was going to gay bars. He was? Which are immoral. That's the worst part of the story. Well, that's the point by the little boozy thing is a little boozy's also known

for being humble phobic and he's like, fuck Jeffrey Dahmy. You're like, which part of this? He would go to gay bars, like the way you would. And he'd pick up men, by the way, it's much easier

for gay men to pick each other up than the street men. Michael's going to have a heart attack. Yeah. All right, so it's very easy. It's much easier for gay men to pick each other up at bars from what I've heard. Than what? Than straight men and women.

Based on my personal research, it's so easy. Not that I... I do. When I'm bored. When I'm bored, I do. When I'm bored, I do sometimes. Based on the gallons have come. So he was taking them home, and then he would murder them in whatever way, and then he would eat them.

He would eat them. I don't know if he was a cannibal, if he just... That was the perfect crime. You'd just eat them. Yeah, I think he was a cannibal. He'd also jerk off on corpses, which is... That's a wild move. I mean, I think the murdering of the person's why.

I know, but that's just so... Everyone gets mad about the jerking off. Shirking off with a corpse is like peeing on your poop. It's like, it's over the time. Is that what it is? It's different. You ever pee on your poop and you're like, I'm just a disgot. Like, when you're jerking off on a corpse, that's got to be so like, you're like,

who the fuck am I? If you, if you jerk off on someone's corpse, you won that battle. That's a pretty good way to dominate. I would love it. That's like a, it's like a disloin. Oh, you dig my shoes are lame? I would love it. Jack off on the corpse, jerked up on a corpse, felt really bad about.

It was like, what's wrong? I'm never going to do this again. And then like a week later, does it again. And it felt great that time. He goes, ha ha, ha, I still got it. He's standing over a dead. It's probably like jerking off where, like, you feel a certain amount of shame. And then you're like, oh, well, I'm not going to not do this again.

He's probably standing over a dead body. He's like, I finally did it. I didn't jack off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying not to have shame when I jerk off. I'm trying to, like, own it. I haven't done it in a month. I, every time, are you serious?

Are you one of these no-fab guys? Yeah, I am. What do you think is going to accomplish? You think you're going to become like a professional rock climber or something? No. What are you going to accomplish by it? So by not doing it, it gives you more focus. I disagree.

Every time I need to fucking come. Well, that's because you're a dirty boy. I am a dirty boy. No, I don't know. It just like forces you to be present. Yeah, present and more like talkative with women. Because like when you could just jack off, it's like a skateboarder. goat. When you're like

I can only come by fucking it changes your dynamic. It's a survival. It's going to lead to rape eventually. I don't think any lady. Until then, I recommend it. I don't think any lady on this planet has ever had the problem I was not talking

enough to them. I think I know. Not more talking, just more social. I think you jerk off more because I think women want me to be less social to them. And there is something to having to semen retention or something to it. Yeah, I've never been to you see some loads in porn. You're like, how do you produce that?

I mean, there are some times where it's really tough not to. To jerk off? Yeah. How long have you gone without jerking off? What? How long have you gone without jerking off? A month. Do you think...

I feel way better. Do you think if you got a lap dance, you'd gum in your pants? I hope. If it was from you. Or Joey, maybe. Now, I like it. I'm going to try to go like a year. Have you had any aggression?

Have you, like, fought like, a Asian woman at the supermarket? Has any of that happened? No, I mean, I've definitely... a little more energy. Okay. For sure. A little more energy. Sleep better. More fuel. You sleep better. I'm also way more disciplined. I fall asleep after jerking off

if I don't watch weird porn. If I watch weird porn, I think you jerked off after falling asleep. Yeah, after falling asleep. Bro, one time, I talked on a couple episodes ago, Ambien, have you taken Ambience? It's like a... No, I heard it's pretty intense. It's a hardcore sleep drug. Do you hallucinate on it? Yeah, basically. Dude, it's so awesome.

But I've jerked it. off on Ambien and it's like good. It's like you're fucking because you're like in your head you're like half asleep. You're like lucid dreaming. I was like in the middle of my, in my buddy's like bathroom because I was staying with him like a month ago. I was just like, oh, like I hope I'm in this bathroom. I hope I'm not like out of the street.

It's also just like a strong edible too. If you ever come with a strong edible. Oh yeah, yeah. You're really into whatever you're drinking on to. I was like, why is this lasting three hours? This is amazing. It feels like it lasts forever. I almost cried one time drinking off high. You're like, oh, it feels so good. Just mold in a fish.

is playing in your head. God, I gotta get some edibles and jerk off. Jacking off on an edible is incredible. That's a sad part. That should be the selling point for weed. You can jerk off. It's fucking sick. I remember when I was like in eighth grade,

I first started smoking weed. And I remember there was like this like weird stoner dude that like no one really talked to in my middle school. And then one day I was like, you know what? He probably didn't want to talk. And I was like, you know what? I smoke weed now. This guy and I were not so different, him and I.

Let me go. And like, I remember it was my first time. I marched out to him. I was like, I'm going to have a conversation with this fucking guy. I was like, hey dude, I won't you know that I smoke weed now? And I think we could be friends. And then he goes and says, then he goes, you smoke weed? I'm like, yeah, he goes, so you jerk off and it feels so good. That was like his opening.

That was his opening. I'm like, we could have talked about anything, but he was like, no, no. If you're smoking weed, you know how good. I love the idea of like a hood-ass drug deal. You'd be like, yo, take this fucking Molly jerk off. It's going to be sick. So my neighborhood was like super suburban. But we had, like, our name.

Our next door neighbor was like a drug dealer, a weed dealer. Yeah. But like he wasn't supposed to be. It wasn't that kind of neighborhood. And we only knew because he'd leave his house like 12 times a night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he'd leave, come back, leave, come back. Maybe he was like constantly trying to leave his family.

And then he's seen him give weed to people. But then he feels bad. He's like, ah, I got to go back. And then he keeps going back. But there was always, but I never brought it up to him because we're neighbors. It's like, he's friends of my parents. Yeah. But there were so many times I needed weed that I'm like.

Should I just go next to it? I know he has it. Yeah. How do I ask? How old was he? Like 10 years older than me. He was married with like kids. You should have,

you should have knocked on the door and been like... Well, I definitely one day, like I couldn't get any. And I just said it. I'm just gonna ask him. And what happened? I was like... What happened? He cut him with the pocket.

He came on my corpse. Yeah. No, he... All right. He was supposed to say. Wait, I'm sorry. Give me one second. You was already high.

I did not want to do this. I'm sorry. I just thought of the idea of, you know how like, Jeffrey Darber. You know how some people will come back to life after they die? Yeah. I didn't want to... Somebody just wakes up, just covered in his cum. Like, oh, you guys I didn't check the pulse, right? Just somebody being like, did you fucking... So, wait, I got

to hear this. Pontelo, go. So I finally just go up to him. I'm just like, hey, do you... Look, I'm just gonna level with you. I need weed. Do you have any weed? And then he's just like, I knew you'd come around one day. Five years, I could have asked him.

He didn't care. He's like... He's like, I didn't care. He's like, I know you smoke. Why didn't you just ask me ever? Yeah, I could tell the way you... But also, he's a bad salesman. How come he never thought to ask you? Because I don't know.

You should have teased you. You should have a jar on it. Dude, you what this sounds like? It sounds like the Kevin Space relationship he had an American beauty. I loved that movie. Like, you know, the guy across the street. He's like, I want to fuck that gay guy so badly. No, I just want to smoke weed.

Then he sold you weed. Why does everything go to fucking men with you? Dude, I'm the one saying the least homerotic stuff during this podcast. Fuck you guys. I, let's make a record to make a record to make. Like this is the gayest episode of morning? How old were you and you found out you were gay? Ah, man.

I mean, does two years old count? There's a dude putting my diaper up. I was like, damn. I love this. No lady's doing this. So, on a real note, there's this one guy in this band that my girlfriend and I listen to that she does not like that I... What's the band? She doesn't like how much I like this one guy.

Oh, yeah. I think his name's Clay. Is it Bill Cosby? I already sold me Clay. That's a hot. And he plays for me. heard this band called Mapace. And I saw, she went out of town one weekend and I,

and they were in Brooklyn. So I saw them live and while she was away. And I think that's the most jealous she's ever been. Because she knows this guy. Girls will get mad about dude crushes. Like my girlfriend, I'll talk to like, I'll talk to Dan Carney on the phone. My girlfriend was like talking to your boyfriend again. I'm like, yeah, we have a great conversation. Really connect.

Wait, wait, a phone call with Dan Corny. Does that mean he talks and you listen? I mean, I love you, Dan, wherever you are. The listeners know who... I hope... He wouldn't listen to this anyways, because he doesn't... He's just talking to it.

Yeah. But they do get mad about that, like, like, dude crushes. I mean, I've had dude crushes my whole life. Do dudes get jealous of girl crushes? No, right? That's how. No, I don't give a shit. If my lady was like, I want to bang that girl, I want to eat her out, grab her ass, I'd be like...

Please. Besides Lizzo, I don't know why. Everybody, when their girlfriend gets into Lizzo, I'd be like, She's awesome. I love her music, but don't, don't, don't,

don't be fat like her. There's that little part of you that wants to, I don't know. Also, don't tell me that Lizzo's hot.

I hate these people that try to tell you, Lizzo's hot. Lizzo's a fucking big fat pig. She's a, there's a whale. There's all right the words

I would choose, but definitely not my cup of tea or a cup of Fugia the whale cake, whatever you do. She's the only whale that can't swim. Michael has to edit

the whole episode. No, we're giving me that. He burns the recording. Dude, I'm kidding. She's big. They show videos of her working out. She's big. You know what?

I'm going to take back everything I said about it because she's working out. If she's working out, that's one thing. No, I think it was just like a mock clip. But I do know a girl that was like... She's showing out what she would do if she worked out. I do know a girl that was like, Lizzo is the best. And then I show that same girl picture of like a fat dude. She goes, he's disgusting.

And I'm like, all right. And he's 300 pounds lighter than Lizzo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lizzo looks like the Michelin, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know Michelin Man looks great I don't think that's an insult He definitely used to work out

He definitely fucks the Michelin Man The Missal Man Because fat dudes get pussy If they do it correctly Yeah you can't be pathetic You ever see like Like there's a thing called the The sausage castle in Florida

So it's uh Is that where you grew up The sausage castle Just did you intern there once in a daycare That's the funny He's like since you interned at the sausage castle Yes So uh Gary you know Gary Busey

Yeah He has a brother named Mike Busey Who's big into like the Florida redneck it's like alternative lifestyle scene so he's like a tatted up guy that shoots AR-15s and has hookers at his place

and throws big parties, throws raves have Dorf boxing you know, why are we here right now? Why are we not? At the sausage castle, dude, I knew a girl that used to strip at the sausage castle. She's over there twice in heroin but I respect her a lot.

What did you respect the most? The heroin or the stripping or the self- pity. Dude, this girl's awesome. She's going to raves all the time. She identifies as like an elf or something. She's going to raves all the time. I think she's going to rapes all the time. Going to rapes. Yeah, I mean, she's showing face. Well, she is missing. I hope we find her. Yeah, yeah. But it's like, no, she's like, she's like, identifies as like an elf or something. She goes to raves. She, but she used to go to the sausage castle a lot. What is it again? So Gary Busey's brother, Mike Bucy, is his fat redneck in Florida, cat it up.

I just can't believe there's someone in the Bucy family who lost their mind worse. the Gary. So he opened a restaurant? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk closer to the fucking Mike James. You piece of shit. It's not picking up. You know, if we're going to talk about

the sausage factory. Wait, so what was this? The restaurant? No, no, it's a plot of land. It's like the Playboy mansion, but of the South. So it's like this redneck playboy mansion. It's like Bordy Barn. I know.

I want to get married ASAP. I don't get engaged ASAP so I can plan a bachelor party to the sausage factory. Absolutely. I know comics that are performed there. I'm so jealous. It's like outside of Florida. At the sausage factory?

Wait, they do comedy shows that? Wait, we got to get in with Mike Busey and the boys. I want to in so bad. Dirty Mike and the boys, dude, yes. I want to be in with Mike Bucy, just like shooting machine guns. Yeah, you gotta go up to him.

Be like, I loved your brother and rookie of the year. He sounds like Duck Dynasty. He's like, you can't say Gary Bucy in this house. Are they close? What do you mean? Him and Mike? No idea.

How is Gary Bucy not in more movies? He's a star show. Because he lost his mind. So? No, he like lost his mind. Like, his face doesn't work anymore. It never worked. He's like, he's like worse than about Kilmer, I think.

Yeah. The one thing I didn't want to say that was they'll have like the guys from insane clown policy there, right? Yeah. There's just fat dude that just always has strippers just like, they're trying to grind on him, but they're like pushing his belly. Like they're shaking their ass and they're like hitting his, I'm assuming he's a fat guy to get pussy. I don't know. There's fat guy. I'm into that.

Yeah. Yeah. I respect. There's something about seeing a girl, a hot girl, fuck a guy. It's disgusting that I respect so much. Either from him or for, you're like, especially when he's, especially when he's, really fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a big fat piece of shit. I just love how eating like fucking like Arby's while she's like stuck in his ball. We just went a 180 because when with female. With Lizzo, yeah, we're so sexist.

We were like. Lizzo, lose weight. Mike Busey get fat. I think it says that in the New Testament. That's in the Bible. Luke. Dude, if Andrew Tate was just a fat dude saying sex and shit, it would be kind of cool. Right? It would be kind of cool.

to see like a 200-pound guy should be like well I don't think women should be in the same building as me unless they're sucking my penis oh man my roommate Robb just randomly put a Joe Rogan poster

in my bedroom and I went into it one day and it was just hanging up it says conquer your inner bitch and I just kept it there yeah it's just I do think those are different guys when you take home

say when they see that oh they're like oh can I fuck him instead women do hate Joe Rogan with a passion I love Joe Rogan except Well, he's a raging massagin.

Except have you met female libertarians? No. I met a few female libertarians. They want to suck Joe Rogan's dick so hard. Yeah, he's hot. He's attractive. No, no, no. He has a small steroid cock. So, whoa, whoa.

We're going to edit that out. I'm trying to get on that program. What is wrong with small cots? I send Joe Rogan my podcast every week and I say book me. No, you don't. No, I'm just kidding. That'd be so sad. I'm just sending him files, please.

Listen to a minute 43. read. We got a great riff on here. He was going to do my podcast, but his mom got COVID. He's like, yeah. So, so yeah, Joe Rogan has a huge female fan base with the libertarians. I'll tell you a story. I was on this podcast in Scotland, and I didn't know any of the comedians. There was like a roundtable, like four or five comics. And there's one lady

kept on saying like libertarian, like, type of like things. And as a joke, I was totally like meant the teaser. I was like, hey lady, I love I love you. I love you. You're a great person and all, but You sound kind of like a libertarian. You make those jokes. And she goes, I wasn't making jokes.

I am a libertarian. And then the conversation shifted to her being like, why are you not a libertarian? And then her whole thing was, do you not like Joe Rogan? Because Joe Rogan should be the president of your country. And I'm like, Scottish lady, you're fucking out of your mind.

I've been saying this. Scottish is more conservative than again. The Scottish libertarians want to pay Joe Rogan. It's mostly country, Scotland. I don't think Scotland is all the country. I don't know. Oh, wait, wait. You, let me tell, let me hear, let me, let me, let's hear about the UK.

I never been there. So, I wasn't like, I don't think I have the best representation of the UK. I was in a small part of Edinburgh, which is a city where the whole, where the whole part of that city is people from all over the world who are, everything from comedians, actors, musicians, clowns. Yeah, faggots. Anyone in the performing arts. Literally, I'm talking about. Oh, welcome performing artists. We will perform our art tonight.

No, but between... Should have came in their face. But I think there was something of like 5,000 artists from all over the world. I hate that word, artist. It is kind of a labor, but anyways. There was 5,000 total or more all in this one small city for 30 days. So even though I was in the UK, I was hanging out with like a comedian from China. I was hanging out with a play right from Ecuador.

You know what I mean? Like, it wasn't the best representation of Scotland because everything was there. Isn't that the plot of the Hunger Games, what you just said? I thought he had to start it 10 minutes to get that out. Yeah. How high are you? You hit a big bonger before. Yeah.

That's medical brother. But Scotland's more. Can you be bonger? Can I light that shit up? Where is that shit? I can light it for you guys, but you got to keep the conversation. Riff right now while I go pack. Why?

So your listener could fucking be happy. James, I literally asked Mike. to do this just because I want him off the air for a while. I think we're killing. I think this is one of the best podcast episode ever. Joe Rogan's going to show this his people and be like, how could we get like this? But Joe Rogan's going to be like,

Michael, I heard that episode. It was a great episode, but only one of the three of you can come on my show. So you have the fight to the death. I mean, I don't want to do it. I think James would win. I'm not ready. I think James would win in a fight to the death between the three of us. You've been working out. You have a lot of hate in your heart.

Michael works out. don't you, Michael? Talking the mic, Michael! I don't work out. I run two miles a day. I haven't hit a bonging so long. Oh, you're going to be such a fucking idiot after this. Where do you, do you run up your own asshole?

I do. That's a nice trail. I did it last week. I ran three miles in your asshole. It's very nice. By the way, this has been a different episode than all the morning goods, and it's been my favorite so far. It's because of me or?

Who's really carrying? It's me or Joey. It's both you guys. We have great chemistry. Well, you did have that fucking. piece of shit Chris Kinback on. No, I'm kidding. I love Chris. I don't know that guys. You're good guys?

I'm Chris Kimback and I'm addicted to getting pussy. When he eventually stops doing comedy, I want to buy all his jokes from him. He's a great joke right. He's a great. Chris Kimback's the man. His jokes are... Get your fucking sneakers off this? I don't want my girlfriend to peg me again. It's been a four times this week.

What does she peg you with? I wish it was just a dildo, but she takes like an eggplant. Screwdriver. I thought it was like a hot pocket or something. That'll be nice. A hot pocket in your ass. You know it was a punishment.

I thought that's where they come from. There was this kid in my fraternity who always like dude the wrong thing. His name was Michael Murphy. Great guy though. Not a great guy. Now that we're adults, there's always people you're like,

that guy was the shit. And you're like, I've caught myself doing that too. Like, oh, he's a great way, no, he's not. So anyways, anyways, you said hot pocket. Whenever they would, like, they would piss off the leaders of my frat, what they would do is they'd get all the frat brothers

they'd like stand in a circle they'll heat up like five hot pockets put it on a seat and he would have to sit his bare ass on like five steaming out hot pockets and I've never done that but apparently according to him it's like the most painful thing he's ever felt in his life

what watching Michael said and he said like start like like like like leaking shit out of his asshole because the scene would rise in his asshole and it's like shit would just pour out were you part of it at his salt this is fraternity stuff I think I was out in a fraternity in Pennsylvania

you're from Florida dude that we didn't want you in a fraud We didn't do any gay stuff It was part of the rules Really? No gay stuff No because we were like we didn't It wasn't gay It was a little

Stripping a man down Making you sit on a hot pockets That's pretty gay I think a fraternity in Florida It's just the clan Dude the guys were so sick Bro We probably had barbecues all the time

I mean the KKK was just a big fraternity basically. Yeah, people villainize it and I don't know why. Yeah. What incidents have happened besides multiple ones? Dude, I think, have you ever gone to the, you've gone to the Scientology Church have you? Multiple times.

You said it like, you said it's Disney. You know what I really want to do this podcast? I really want to have a clam member on and pick his brain. No, I just want to have him on and just talk about sports. People will be so angry, but you're like afterwards. He is a former leader of the KKK. What do you think the

are going to do this year. Do you know John Ronson? No, I'm straight, actually. So I think you'd find this funny. John Ronson is one of my favorite writers. He's kind of like a journalist in his own right, too. But he does this amazing thing. He says these little, these little, these little poetic things randomly.

He's my favorite writer. He's a bit of a journalist. Would you say he was a journalist in his own right as well? In his own right? Now I'm hooked. So anyways, John Ronson's looking at him. He's a great guy. But he has his one book called Them, where he'll do this thing where he'll spend

like 10, 20, maybe 30 days with a clan member or like an Akita member or just like any form of like neo-Nazi type guy he'll hang out with them and then write like a beautiful profile about this guy where like you actually learn about like how sweet and sensitive and like good family member this guy is

and then after he makes you fall in love with them he'll be like and Ah, you're racist. I can't believe you like that guy. Yeah, yeah it's really fast. That guy's a pedophile. You're a pedophile too now. Yeah, no, no, no. It's really fascinating because His whole thing. Well, that's good right.

People forgot what good writing is, having these complex characters. That's what people are, dude. It's like, I guarantee you. Look at the soprano. It's my favorite show. And you're rooting them on and then it's like, oh, they're doing terrible stuff.

Yeah. But so, so like the soprados, like, but that's real life, dude. It's like, I guarantee you. You could meet a clan member and, like, he could tell you the greatest tale about something. And just don't bring up black people.

You do bring up black people. It's a disaster. You're like, this guy's a horrible human being. But if you just have that conversation with him about. And really, how much. How often do you talk about black people? Not a lot.

You? I mean, I do. So I had that argument with my... Maybe once a month. My same brother who was freaking out their wedding for the Trump supporters being there. My brothers is one of those people who hates all Trump supporters. To the point where he's like, if we can just kill every Trump supporter, life would be better. And I'm always like, eh, calm the fuck down, dude.

Yeah, you hate all these Trump supporters. Your friends who aren't Trump supporters are horrible, horrible human beings. Yeah, I think that... You have some liberal friends. steal a bunch of shit. I'm like, all right, bud. There's not. And I'm just like, I think we all have to focus on what John Ronson's doing and finding the good in everyone. Whether you're an Al-Qaeda member, you work on Walmart, who cares what you are?

Yeah, because you know it's never fucking helped. Anything is saying, fuck you, your piece of shit, your ideas are stupid. That's never, it is funny because I like, I have conservative relatives from like Long Island, Super Republican, and then obviously. And did they touch you as a kid? No. Oh, okay. That's less exciting. They're conservative. Then I don't care about these people anymore. Keep going. Do you think I was molested?

Do I give up that vibe? You definitely seem like you have some blocked out of trauma. I'm trying to make eye contact with them earlier. He's just staring at the trash can. Yeah. So your cousin's... No, so it's like... I like compare them to like, you know,

going to a bar in Bushwick. It's like I probably agree with people at that bar and Bushwick more, but it's way more fun to be around my retarded Republican reliance. I could not agree. Are you kidding this? Wedding, that was the most fun wedding ever. I wish Trump would come back, not as president, but just in like a bigger role.

We need another season of the... the apprentice, cook it up. I want to this. We should do it about everyone who like fucked him over. When is Trump a podcast? Oh yeah, that's fun, yeah. Would you listen if Trump got the podcast? Yes, oh my God. That's the thing they're like a Barack and Michelle Obama of a podcast. I'm not going to listen to Barack Obama's

podcast. Oh, Trump and Alex Jones should have a podcast together. Absolutely. Trump has been on Info Wars, by the way. By the way, other Halloween costume, I wouldn't do it, but I want to do it. Alex Jones? I've done Alex Jones. For coat, gold chains. giant check from Alex Jones for millions of dollars

going as a Sandy Hook parent It's so funny You know I don't think that'll go over bad at all People would be so livid No you should go over as one of the dead kids That'd be better That would be phenomenal Wait do you guys have I told you this story

I don't know I've told you this yet The weirdest thing involving Sandiluk happened to me when I was like 17 years old So I'm from Connecticut You did it You did it I'm from Connecticut That'd be a little info

Some of them Connecticut. We'll edit it out. Yeah. This is good stuff. So I went to high school in Connecticut. And so after San Yook happened, we were like, there was constant talks about school shootings and whatnot. And anyways, there was this one, like, first grade teacher who saved the lives, like, five kids on San Yook that day. Just five?

The point is, the point is... She told them to skip school and she molested them. That would be so funny. No, just like the downplay. Oh, just five? Do you know how many people I've saved? The point is, she's like a huge. hero. But the thing is, so

in my mind, we were kind of excited to hear this lady talked. She was going to come to my school. It was going to be a whole assembly, and she was going to give a speech to the whole school about how her story and all that stuff, so we were like, wow, this is a hero who saved kids' lives. We want to hear from this lady. This is the most fucked up assembly I've ever had in my life.

Why? There's no fucked up this is. Before the fucking assembly begins, she has a projector. She's a hot blonde lady, by the way. She's a very sexy blonde lady. So she has a projector just on a slide show of pictures playing of her standing next to famous people like LeBron James, Barack Obama, Jay-Z, like Vin Diesel, like, it's just like her mixed to all these famous people. Vin Diesel's one.

Actually, no, he's not. His dad's black. Really? I did not know that. Vendezel is half-black. That's good to know. So anyways, and like aggressive like rap music is playing. So aggressive rap music is playing.

It's a slideshow for her next to all these favorite people. Aggressive rap is you mean jazz. Yeah. So anyways, she finally comes to the podium and you think she was going to talk about how much of a hero she is. She drops the end bomb. He's like, y'all, you ever save somebody? So there's what she does. She does that our speech all about how I saved those kids' lives.

And after I saved those kids' lives, every teacher went home because every teacher was traumatized. Everyone went home except for me. I stayed there because I want to talk to every newscast possible. I talked to every reporter that came to the school that day And I told them my story And now I get to hang out with famous people Now I get to make millions of dollars Giving speeches about my story

What about you? Your kid's dead And she literally made the whole speech about being like If something traumatic happens to you You can become famous That doesn't surprise me Can I say this real quick? She did say five people And that is in line with every fucking funeral

There's a hot chick Who makes it all about her I've never been to single funeral But it's not a hot chick that was like She's making the whole school shooting about it! Yeah, yeah, yeah, they love doing that bro. That's like I have some friends who've died And like the Facebook post

There's always a hot girl with like huge boobs Who posted tons of pictures Like we were so close. And I was like, he just took the most pictures With you because you had the biggest hits That's what happened. He took no pictures of me He's one takes pictures

These lame ass friends The big ditty women Yeah, no, I agree White women are the worst And she was like I had a wedding Like two months after Handy Hook and all these celebrities

came to my wedding. And I'm like, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think Vin Diesel is that her wedding? I don't know, but this dumb bitch, the lady, I'm so happy about your wedding. The lady who saved those kids live. I'm Vin Diesel. I'm that's sound like an old man. There's different down.

It would have helped if he'd be exhausting breath down syndrome. If he'd been in a movie in the last 20 years. Which one does he draw? Down syndrome. Okay, yeah, yeah. That's why it's called down. It goes down. Let's get down.

Let's get down syndrome. I was giggled. I hope you listen to know everything we do is just hyperbole. Yeah, yeah. Two brothers have down syndrome. Is it Hand Me Down syndrome? If you're English and you have Down syndrome. I talked about this in the last episode, but I want to immediately talk about you guys.

So I saw a video, you know, I'm not even going to get to it. Please tell me. Well, I saw this video... I'll be wondering all night. Come on, come on. Was it pussy bong? No, what's pussy bong? Pussy bong is this video on like...

I think it's on every porn website. It's been around since like 2012 because that's when I found it. Maybe before 2012. But it's literally like this like three or four stoner dudes. One of them has a goatee. Three or four stoned dudes are all hanging out while this naked girl

like literally has their legs tied behind her head. And she's just saying they're like, yeah, let's get high. And the guy is like, oh, we're going to get high. And then they just shove. this enormous, like, bong inside of a pussy and start taking rips of... Wait, isn't this the Titanic?

I imagine that was. The whole movie. Like, I'd never seen it before and then I watch it, like, oh, wow. Bro, if I worked at a movie store, I would love to put wild videos like that into, like... They're gone with the wind.

But, uh... Pussy bong. How do they put the bong into the place? So it's not a real bong. What it is is, is it's more of like a steam roll So it's basically just like a long like like like if you have a bong so picture like this part of the bong it's super duper long and so you put it in and this face is not there It's just like an open end hole so he's not boiling

So they put that open ended hole like an open leg so they put that open end in a whole like thing in her vagina and then this part is sticking up like right here with the carb So they like it hits like that way. So it's like so it's like a two way bong inside of this lady's pussy But they do the fun of the things they do fill it up with water so she's sitting there. So she's sitting there There's the actual water in her vagina? They fill the bong up with the water. Okay, so there's a hole at the bottom of the bong? Yeah, there's a hole in the bottom of the bong. Okay.

There's a hole in the song. No. You know, there's a hole in the... That should be... That sounds like an ad for like chilies or something. So, anyway. Or like apple beads. Yeah, and she's just like, yeah.

And she's trying to get sexual, which I don't understand. This should not be a sexual bit. I know. I kind of get that, though. Because I remember when I was a kid, totally unrelated, but someone related. Layed on me. I think all your jokes have been unrelated. related so hard to the story.

There was this video. He told a joke I didn't realize. YouTube, you couldn't, what's it called? Like, you couldn't see nudity, but there was one porno on YouTube when I was a kid, because my computer got blocked from other stuff,

and the only porno was this man... We're looking up how to buy guns? There's this man in a Hasidic, Jewish outfit, smoking a blunt and banging a little person, and he'd randomly put the blunt in her pussy and then smoke it, just to get the tip wet,

like the lip part wet, and I was like, I guess I could come... I think I came to it one, because, like, there's no other resources for me right now. Was the girl hot at least? She's a midget, right? I mean, this hot midget's out there.

Dorf. I realize you can't say little people porn because that sounds like kitty porn. You're supposed to say little people. Can you say munchkin? You can say Dors. I'm sorry. I know the hack comedians probably said this already,

but Dorf is so much more offensive than midgett. You're cool with it, I guess. I don't know. Why are they? Munching on munchkin box. You know, so I remember when I was in, I remember, I was in South America once,

and there was like this show that I was like, South America has talent. Like, you know, America's got talent. It was just a donkey show. It was the woman getting fucked by a horse. They're like, salmon cow was like, disgusting. South America has talent.

You barely even suck the horse's cork. Horrible. Get out of you. And there was his midget doing pole dancing. I think this is the hottest lady I've ever seen till this day. This, this dwarf. This dwarf.

I like how I've said faggot a bunch of times, but I'm like, dwarf. This dwarf who did pole dancing on this like Argentina has talent show. I remember when I went. Listen, I'm not trying to be dick. Argentina, you don't have to. I remember.

I remember the year. It was the summer of 2016. The summer of 2016 was when I went on this trip. And I want to find this video. This is the hottest woman I've ever seen. And she's a dwarf. She's a little person. And I remember I was my brother at the time.

Not the brother who hates the Trump supporters My other brother, Frank, he's bald. So I got Trump supporting, Trump hating brother And Bald Brother. My bald brother and me In Argentina, we saw this video And we both were like... Wait, you saw the video? You weren't there in prison? No, no, we were both in Argentina. No, no, it was on TV. Oh, okay.

No, I did not attend this event. Why not? Because I didn't know about it. I'm going to a donkey show if I'm in fucking Mexico. I was in my family. They have family packets. You guys could get a little section. The donkey show? Yeah, yeah.

Is that when the girl sucks the donkey show? She gets fucked by a donkey from what I've heard The donkey, is he good at sex the donkey? He's a fucking donkey. Do you think she comes? That is an expression, horse-cock. I bet they come. I bet you they make her a little straw hat

that looks like... He dressed her up his hay. Yeah, yeah, and he's just... Just eating her head. Fuck by a donkey, that's scary, though. But do you think she comes? You know what? I would say no for years, but now I think...

But now that I've done it. Why maybe? Because, like, look, if you're getting a donkey dick inside you, You could probably handle some meats. You probably get fucked by a regular guy for that. It's boring. Yeah, yeah.

A regular guy with the donkeys' dick. Then's fine. Do you think some of them are into it, the girls that do it? Probably 50-50. You get some people that are like, every job, she's like, look, I love my job. I'm the employer the month. I don't know why it's a stuff. Do you think that's a debate within the midget community?

Wait, what? No, no, you're mixing this up. Midgets slash door, they're not getting fucked by the donkeys. That would be hot. That would be a nightmare. I was going to say that would kill them. That would, they die. Logistically, I don't think my insurance would cover the hut.

No, yeah. They're not going to get kebobbed by that. That's not... Like, I'm a little person. It goes in and out of the mouth and then they put another midget on there. That's so funny. I'm a little person who gets fucked by donkey. No, that's...

That is a dangerous game to play. You got to have grown women with wide-ass clothes. You should go up to every midget you see and tell them. You're like, don't fuck don't. But I know it sounds like a great idea. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Then they'll think, like, maybe future me. he's going to have sex with a donkey and that guy just dress him as a time traveler be like, don't fuck the donkey in Mexico. You think it'll make you the life for the party. Are you guys South Park fans? Yeah, of course. Remember the episode where they hire actors to be them from his future?

To get them not to do drugs, yeah, yeah. Don't fuck that donkey. Stan cuts his hand off and Randy has to cut the guy's hand off. Don't play a donkey, no matter how cute he looks. Do not do it. I know you want to. I had a great point, and I totally... Oh, I remember the great point. I remember my dad as a

kid sat me down and was like, hey, whatever dick size you have, it's fine. That's great advice. My dad never said that to me. Doesn't my dad. I have a great dad, by the way. He listens to the podcast, by the way. Hey, what's up? Sorry that I said, I don't like you talking to business to Michael.

Sure, he's very proud of you. So anyways, I remember my dad sent me down and was like, yeah, whatever dick size you have, trust me, you'll find a girl that will love your dick size. He's like, I recommend Filipinos. They're all smaller, and they can take a smaller penis. Then he goes

Then he goes And any girl that says She wants a bigger dick Just know she has a white-set vagina And no one enjoys her That's kind of out of left field He's like Just know those women are whores

They're whores You'll never get my respect, Sandy They have a white-sup vagina And no one enjoys that How did we get into this conversation My dad self-conscious about His son's dick size By the way, I'm drunk right now

I think we're all a little buzzed right now I had a beer Would you drink your own cum? I did. Is there more weed? No, I'm good. Yeah, this is a let it go episode. I'm kind of just like, let's fucking happen.

Oh, it's been going great. You were talking about an alien documenter. I get into this stuff. Oh, yeah. You haven't been on alien documents. Is it good? Unacknowledged. What's Stephen Greer?

What is it on? He gets, according to him. He's used to YouTube it. Point up. Yeah, it's on YouTube. He gets like a, he's in like a, I don't know if it's a feel like a desert in Phoenix. Okay. Arizona.

And he, he, he. swears that he got abducted, like tells the story, but I think he's telling the truth because it's so detailed, everything he says. From, like, the switches on the,

on the spaceship to, like, what they look like. Oh, you're talking to somebody who's fully in. I fully believe. Yeah, I think they do it, and they just wipe the memory. Aliens are real, for sure,

but I just don't know if this guy's a liar or not. No, this is, what are you? Stephen, no, not you. Don't you fuck it. If you ever say anything

about Stephen Greer on the podcast. I don't think so, because you don't get famous from saying you're abducted by aliens. Like, There's nothing to gain from it, really. This guy's famous. Who, Stephen Greer?

I don't know. You can go on Joe Rogan. There's multiple people that have adopted by aliens. I've never seen a UFO personally. I saw one when I was a kid, but I don't believe my... So me and my dad saw one. I don't even think he remembers it.

It may have just been an airplane. I remember seeing this, like, this light thing, and then it kind of flew away. But I don't trust my memory as a kid because I've also seen ghosts. It was just a Chinese person. You're like, it's a UFO. Flying...

You take a bunch of pictures. No, they take pictures. I mean, I have, well, I have... when I used to have a camera like a like you know the ones you buy it like Rite Aid

I would take pictures and it always looked like there was a UFO in the pictures like you could always find some pictures like UFO I'm part of a UFO

the most shameful page I'm part of a UFO sightings fan page and it's hilarious you're on the side of the aliens yeah well because half of it

yeah you guys can you invite me yeah I'll tell me about you because half of them are like just a picture of a cloud

and you're like you're a fucking dumbass but some of them are some of them are explanatory. Yeah, but some of of them you're like, oh, that's actually a really good picture of UFO because he's just... I've seen videos. There's a video

from like some beach in like Venezuela. It's like clearly, there's no other explanation for what it is. It's just like a big bright, like, light in the sky. And it just flies away fast. It moves all weird and shit. Yeah. And my thing is like the daylight pictures, ones that really kind of show it, you're like, all right, this is clearly like, doesn't look like anything we have. Yeah. Well, I feel like I'm in the

There's been so many. We're all libertarians, though. And there's been so many UFO sightings. Do you think, how come when people say libertards, liberals get offended, but libertarians don't get offended? Because it's meant to describe liberals. So what could I say to a libertarian to piss them off? Libetard,

librettard? I guess. Libertard. Just call them an inbred retard fact. I'll say this. People hate libertarian. It's weird, though, because conservatives hate them and liberals hate them, but they're kind of like true libertarians, like pro-life, pro-immigration, pro-drug. No, I don't think they're pro-life.

They're 100% pro-life. I think they're pro-choice because they don't want government involved. Oh, sorry, that's what I meant. That's what I meant. That's what I meant. But I'm like, I'm like, they lean a lot of ways liberals are. But liberals are. Yeah, but the thing is they're also that way with like some economic stuff too. No, I agree with it. By the way, I voted libertarian last election.

People hate before. Good job, good job. Because I don't. Who did you vote for? Who was the candidate? Miley Cyrus. It was like some woman, but I was like, I, but that's not because I'm progressive.

That's progressive. That's progressive. Yeah, but that's not because I'm super libertarian. I am in some ways that I think all drugs should be legalized. I think immigration should be... Even Flintstone vitamins? Especially Flintstone vitamins. But you think all drugs, you think heroin should be legalized?

100%. Yeah. I'll get into this right now. Everything should be legalized. Why should heroin be legalized? Because you do heroin now and it's philetanol. Most people die of these drugs because there's other drugs in them. If you legalize all drugs, so what we're doing right now in the United States...

I like that I'm drug as shit. I'm getting serious. What we're doing right now is we are the largest consumers of illicit drugs. So we complain. that the Mexicans come over the border. But what we're doing is the American citizens are funding the drug lords that live in that country and they're using that money to buy guns

from the United States citizens. So basically, they're buying guns from us with money that they sold us drugs with. So these cartels are just being fueled. So I think that we need to take all that business, bring it to the United States. Like, I've had a friend who liked that of a fent all overdozed and I don't think that would have happened if

drugs were completely legal. Regulated, regulated. I have a proposal because I think heroin could be illegal. otherwise, but I would never want you go to CVS and you're like, yeah, I'm going to pick up some heroin right now. What I think... You can already do that. And it's also, if you take enough, like, percocet, enough ambium, it's like heroin.

If you take enough of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can get the heroin high. You can get literally methamphetamine hydrochloride. But what I'm saying is, I don't want people taking a lot of these drugs the way you do them now. I think they should be places like, oh, I want to do heroin today. I'm going to go to the heroin space and literally they give you a hotel. Hot topic.

No, no. Like, literally, they give you your own hotel room. There's, like, there's like, there's, like, a whole, like, lobby center.

There's nurses. Not a lot of food there. There's nurses on staff who are literally, it's like their job, like a monitor how much. There's sad family members in the corner crying for you. No, no, like, so,

do you know what I'm saying? It's like, they're monitoring your heroin use while also giving you the best environment to do heroin. Where, like, you're not, like, fucking at home ruining your daughter's through your birthday party. Yeah, but the amount of money that's going to take is like,

who does, who does, heroin at a three-year-old birthday property. It would be independently owned. It'd be like independently owned places. That was two different things. You should be independently owned a big government run. They're going to have a place to do heroin. They should have a bar too.

Oh, the lounge. Dude, just saying that would cost a lot of money? People would spend so much money head over feet to do heroin in this place. Right. Yeah. No, hey, I'm not opposed to that. Dude, you and me would go there. I wouldn't do heroin lounge.

I wouldn't do heroin now. Dude, no, they're fun. We can get away. If you could get at the bodega, heroin, you wouldn't do it? No, it'd be more, no, that'd be more, you could already, everybody says that they're like, oh, well, what if you got the store? It's like, you go in front of a CVS, there's a guy selling heroin there, as it is just outside. Which guy?

I guarantee you, you walk to, you can find heroin within five minutes. Hey, MacDougal, they probably sell it. Tons, dude, all the time. I had a guy asking me for heroin there like a week ago. It's like, if you just walk through here, you could find heroin easily. Make dolele, it's like a big drug festival. Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of drugs. I'm saying like you can already get all this stuff,

so you might as well have the most regulated version of it and not be funding the Mexican cartels. Yeah, and also, I mean, they legalize. But they legalize weed here and the use hasn't gone up. No, I don't think so. The guy at the counter when you order it, when you buy heroin, though, he should be legally required to say, are you sure? Yeah, I'm cool that.

Yeah, no, yeah, are you sure this is heroin? But it should be like that because I think what happens is like, so when I was in high school, I had friends do heroin. Because it was like, I have huge druggy friends. And what happens is they buy drugs from this drug dealer guy. That's who you get them from normally. Yeah, yeah. But it's like, you know what I mean?

I think hopefully it would become this certain level of thing where it's like, okay, I don't think the guy at the weed store would be pushing heroin, the same way a drug dealer would be pushing heroin. Yeah, they're aggressive. Yeah. So it's like, it's like, I remember friends in high school, they do coke and then they find out it's heroin. They would do like this stuff called, they thought it was coke and stuff called hydromorphone powder, which is like a strong opiates. It's like, this is the illegal drug market. So you have 15-year-olds doing weird shit that they're sniffing compared to if you go to heroin from the story like this is heroin. You know what I mean?

It's very clearly labeled. And you also have doses regulated. You're like, this is how much. Because listen, I know a lot of people, I barely do drugs anymore. I know a lot of people do drugs and they're fucking retarded. They're literally like, yeah, okay, so I'll like do all this amount. Like, no, you have to weigh your shit out. You got to test it.

But if you get it from the store, it's like you understand dosage. Because there's always that dumb ass that's like, I'm going to take this much drugs. But if you had labeled, you go, this is this many milligrams is dangerous. Yeah, I mean, you do with edibles. If I have an edible, I'm like, hey, how strong is this? Like, how much should I have? You don't just take a whole edible. It could be 100 milligrams.

Dude, I once fucked up on an edible. Me too, a bunch of times. I think everybody has, yeah. I thought they were saying one chocolate bar with so many milligrams, but what it really was, it was one square. Oh, yeah. Is that milligram? So I ate a whole chocolate bar.

And my brother and I went to watch. I keep talking about my brothers. I guess I hang out with my brothers a lot. My brother and I went to watch What's that show? Yeah, family. It was some show that was probably on Netflix. We went to bench watch a season of a TV show on Netflix.

And I thought I was dying. I've had that, though. I thought I was dying. I almost made him call me an ambulance. Dude, I remember one night after, it was like after New York Comedy Club. Like my friend had the, not the gummies. They were just like candy, like weed candy, like sourpatch kid types. Oh, yeah.

I took way too many too many. but not even realizing like probably what you did like just took a large amount and a whole chocolate bar I go to my friend's house I'm like I sleep over there and then in the middle of the night

I just like start freaking out What friend was it? I'll tell you later and I'm just like Are you still friends with this person? Yeah and then I wake him up I'm like look I can't explain right now but you got to unplug your refrigerator

it's not what you think it is it was making these sounds like a UFO with the refrigerator and I was freaking out that something was in there I'm like, you got to unplug it. It's not what he's like, what? He's like, no, all my food shouldn't spoil.

Who are you? Who was the? Should I do that on stage? That's funny. That's hilarious. Joe Mac? Yeah, man, it was, you really got to know how much. And I'll ask.

I'm like, who is it? I think it's Tom Thakar has that great, but he's like, they shouldn't put how many milligrams are on, like, a certain edible. They should just put that person's thoughts when they're high with it. And he goes through these, like, crazy, like, scenarios and stuff. stuff. That is such a good idea, though. Dude, yeah, because I get, I get really high. I get some crazy fucking thoughts. I think, like... Remember the first time I took acid? Do you?

Yeah, I only took it once. I did mushrooms a bunch. I did acid. And I only took like half a tab. And I went... I think that day, too, I did a bunch of code. I did like a bunch of drugs on one day. That's the way to do acid. I don't know about that, but... I did it once at like... I took it at like one in the morning. A horrible idea. Oh, I'm like, dude, I was laying in bed all night tripping, watching like curb clips, Curb Your Enthusiats and just... On your phone or?

On my phone and literally just sending them to people. At like 3 in the morning. I'm like, this is so funny. You know, acid is acid, I think, does make you do dumb things. Shrooms is not, though, because you're overthinking. You can trip balls on shrooms, but you're still so cautious. No, I've done dumber things on acid and shrooms, easy. That's what I said.

No, no, on trumes and acid, I mean. Really? What did you do? Oh, my God. on trumes, like, all they call somebody and be like, I'm having a revelation, we got to talk about this right now. Like, on acid, I'm like, I don't want to talk to anybody. Yeah. Yeah, I took acid and we're rolling up to,

we just had a big fraternity party in college. We're rolling up to... How many crosses did you burn? Seven. Seven and a half. We actually had a pretty diverse fraternity. A lot of cross burn us. Yeah, we had like two black guys.

No, I'm just kidding. We have more. But we're on our way to the club and I remember the acid's kicking in and I'm sitting in front seat this Uber and that's on going Pump up the jam Pump it up And I just take this thing and I just blast it And I was just in my own zone

Just dancing in the Uber It's like, gee I've done that I want a plant two stick And then what happened In my mind the Uber driver is like This is the man But I'm sure he's like Get the fuck out of here

You fucking idiots Yeah I've had some good trips for sure I'm pretty much done Like I'll probably microtose mushrooms In the next couple years But I've been there a lot of weird shit with all my friends dying.

I'm like, I don't want to take mushrooms and start crying. You know what I mean? I'm really sorry about that you that you had to experience that. And that much has fucked you up a shit tonne. I'm not. I think you deserve it. I appreciate it. I've got it better about it. It's just a long

thing. It's hard not to bring it up on every episode because I'm fucking digging about it all the time. But how many friends have you had, three? Three? Like close friends? Two very close. So my best friends. And then one a good friend. Wow.

Like a coffee friend. You need to grab coffee with him when you're on town. I don't want to do that, but yeah. I'm not a pussy. Dude, fuck you, Michael. I've been trying to get coffee with you. Me and Joey are coffee friends.

Like, that's what this whole episode needs to be about. I, all I want to do is get coffee with you. Would you even care if I died? I would care a lot of you died. Then act like it. I mean, I would post all the pictures of us together,

but I would put big tits on me. So it just looks wonderful. I would love you. I would feel you. Do you ever try to envision what you're funeral would be like all the time. I would not attend that. You're not at your funeral? I would not attend your funeral because I'd be like this guy never got coffee with me. Now get coffee with me. Coffee's part of my funeral idea. So I want a two

funeral parties. I want one funeral party where all the this non-sober people go and then a sober funeral party, but you still go even if you drink. I would go to your funeral and just walk up to your whole family. Like I told them to stop with the cocaine. What's up? Why do you want to isolate the sober people? No, no. What I want is I want a, I want a the first day of the funeral is it's cigars San Pellegrino They're gonna say sandwiches

Wait San Pellegrino alcohol No no no no San Pellegrino coffee Stuff like that Everybody sober hanging out Maybe if you need to go off the side to get a drink Because I want your funeral Yes I want all those sober people

To still bond with the people that still drink And then to all hang out And then that night is the Blackout The people that still drink party Because it's like Something for everyone Yeah, yeah, but it's like you have that daytime thing where, look, if you want to go to the side, grab a drink, come back, that's fine.

But I want the sober people and the non-sure people to bond. Everybody's drinking coffee. I want everyone, but you're still bonding over vices. So it's like if you need to watch pornography in the bathroom and smoke a cigarette, do that. But just no booze, no, no, Michael, that's a great idea. I want to have, did that sound condescending? No, no, no, no. Because I feel like the last couple of films I've been to, there's a lot of sober people there.

And they're just sidestepping it. So they're like, yeah, I'm sober, but I do coke. So that's a weird thing where they have to be involved in some way. California sober. Yeah, that's Miami sober I went to a bar the other day with my buddy and he brought some of his friends and his friend was like,

FYI, I'm sober so I don't drink anymore but I am on a shit ton of Mali so let's get weird. Dude, honestly, who are you? But to be fair, alcohol is like the most like dangerous. Harmful in some ways. Nah, it's all right.

I also can't pick up doing Mali without wanting a beer or two, you know? The first time I did Mali was in college and it was honestly probably the best time ever. Oh my God, Mali is really hard. It was, it was, so much fun. On Molly.

We was like at a, you know, Barstool? Yeah. It was like their concert. The Barstool Blackout. Oh my God. Wait, no, no, no. The listeners, if they know, they know. There was a, there was the,

who was it like a phone party? Yeah, phone party. Dude, we would watch. Imagine doing Molly at that. Wait, you're older than me. As a kid, we'd watch the Barstool Blackout videos before Barstool. That was it. And we were like, dude, if I could be at one of these fucking things,

I would send videos my brothers in college, he's like, whatever. But I was like, that looks insane. And I took Molly. What was the other one? there was another one, but I'm telling you like, yeah, yeah, yeah, what was it like? You'll, for one, you'll text everyone in your content with, like, the nicest stuff. Oh, no, I've done Molly a bunch of times. I'm saying what was the Barstool Blackout, like.

On Molly, it was amazing. Just talking to everyone, just finding people to talk to. Like, literally trying to find strangers to talk to. 2011 rave culture is cool stuff. That was 2013 when I wanted to. Oh, but that, that air. I think 2013, 2012. First time I took Molly was, I told us before on the podcast, but I went to a concert.

Uh, we had, there's a concert called Excision, right? It sounds great. Big DJ. People would really rent out like buses and limos like it was prom. And my friends all went on the limo. I buddy couldn't go on the limbo

because one of my other friends was on there and their parents were like fighting. And so I was like, hey, can we go with so-and-so and you guys drive us? I'm gonna take the limo back with all my friends.

But I feel bad for so-and-so. So-and-so. Is that was their name with so-and-so? So-and-so. Was they Chinese? So-and-so. Who's on first?

Yeah, exactly. So-and-so's there and he's like, It really sounds like a Chinese Can you say Tim? Tim, let's say Tim. Tim is there. By the way, I did the Down Center voice

with the Asian guy. Very opposing forces. Yeah, it's fine. Anyways, we go to the concert and my dad's like withdrawing money from the ATM and I take Molly. And I was like, sweet, let's go in. He goes, hey, just by the way,

tomorrow we're going to drug test you for stuff like Molly and ecstasy. So just make sure you don't do any drugs in there right after I took the bill. Your dad said that. Yes, I took the pill at Water Fountain. He withdrew money, gave him. it to me. And then I walk in, I remember I just

told my friends, I was like, I was just smoking. You might as well have a great night. You might as well. Did he actually end up drug testing you? No, no. But what I ended up doing is I found a Purell bottle. I had a friend pissing it and I duct taped it to my own wiener. So I could like... The next day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was the most stress of had in my life because I was like, fuck.

But you didn't even end up doing it, right? Wait, wait, wait, no, I did. Because I took it before. No, no, no. But also, it didn't end up drug testing. No, no. But also, it was bass on, so it wasn't It was Bassol, so it wouldn't have shown up anyways. God. Yeah. I'd have to be fine.

Imagine you drank the piss. I didn't even have to do that. So I think the scariest thing happened to me where, um, so my parents were out. You get through James's act? But my, my, how does that feel? Hold on. Holy shit. Get down.

So my parents, shots fired. My parents were out of town. And so my friend and I, we threw a little party. The party's over. We got away with the party. So that's cool. we got out at the party and now we're just having like two girls over and we're all smoking tons of weed

and for some reason we all have like we all have our own bowl you know when you're in high school and you like yeah you get your own ball and it's cool to be like when we smoke weed let's all have our individual bowl like no one does that as a grown up but in your high school like it seems cool so we're all smoking our individual bowl the girls eventually leave and now me my friend are walking into my house with four bowls each like two bowls each on our hands and his mom is sitting there waiting for us because apparently our alarm we set our alarm or something off

we didn't know about it because it didn't go off or whatever packed all the weed bowls so my yes my dad calls her to be like hey does it a long run off can you check my house out and so she's in the house

and my friend who I'm smoking with we walk in and so every week for like two years she was like I'm gonna drug test you guys so you better stop something weed I think it's a common bluff she never drug tested us

but for that like year and a half I was like not smoking I was not I was on my best behavior See I would do the opposite I would smoke pot Freak out Then I would do cough medicine Or K2 or spice or all these drugs

I would do way worse drugs Than I would have done if I was just like out I never I never tripping Yeah Robo tripping in high schools of odd Dude I got so fucked up on musnags I've told this a bunch of all these stories so many times But I got so fucked out on meesnex

In a country club And then like they had to rescue us out in the middle of the lake We were on, like, paddle boards, and I'm just covered in rashes. And, yeah, it was... Rashes? Yeah, because it has a cinnamon. Is that the one with the booger, the booger guy? T.J. Miller, yeah.

That's the booger guy? Yeah, yeah. So I, I've never done mucinx, but I would buy, like, two bottles of a rub and tussin and chew them. And just chew the robitussin until it got you high. My buddy did dead. One of them's dead. I keep ahead of saying who's dead, but... Oh, yeah.

Wait, really? Is that like, what's pre-workout? And what does it do for you? You put in your water? Yeah, it's true. Is it not? People would cut coke with pre-workout. You're gay.

Is it not good to take? It sounds bad. It's not great. It's a lot. Let's put it this way. If you take that, don't have any other caffeine that day. Don't have coffee or red bull. By the way, we're at an hour.

No, we're doing another one. Dude, I'll do another hour. That was an amazing episode. Yeah, I don't want to end. But back to alien. I'm drunk, so I have no idea how this turned out. Yeah, I thought. I think we should put a cap to it.

You said it was the best one ever. He's drunk. He doesn't trust the drunk guy. Let's put a cap and they take a five-minute break and then come back for a second part. How about we just keep it going? Do you have any snacks? I'll get snacks.

We're going to keep us going until my girlfriend comes out. When does she come home? No idea. She's probably saying, can I come home? Well, I got to leave in like soonish. All right. I want to go and hang out with the stand for a little before I hit home. Either were hanging out.

Well, yeah. I thought we said we were going to go into this thing. Oh, no. I went last night. So? It's already late. You didn't text me. I would have came with you.

This is why I ended the episode. What? That's why I was ending the episode because there's the conversations that... No, yeah. We'll talk about it after. Well, we're over an hour, so... So I love you guys. James, I'm happy that you're back in my life.

I would invite you. We're about to go to my house and smoke some we don't want some movies. We're going to eat pasta. We got to get our tour. I would love to you. I'm very excited. I have a car. I'll drive you.

Why can't you? because you're fucking your wife's coming home. My wife's going to. I don't know why I'm so, sound so angry about that. So, James, I'm going to hang out with you in five minutes. I'm pumped for that.

But Michael, did this podcast teach you anything about how I feel about you? I need to hang out with you. I agree. I agree. Look, this is what... Don't hang out with me.

I would never hang out with this fucking... Yeah, James is a bad thing. I'm not looking forward to it. I am a fat bitch. I am a bad hang. Horrible hang. I know. It's a great hang is when James hangs himself.

Because you fucking sucks. That's a cowabunga. this is how nice I am I was thinking to hang 10 this is how nice time I'm not like the racist surfing you're a suicide note just says calabunga it's just you hanging

this is how nice I am to Michael good the other day somebody said who's your Mount Rushmore of comedians to get drinks with and I put you on that list you have my Mount Rushmore like you could be on Mount Rushmore if it was built by retards

imagine just a bunch of like Down syndrome people made Mount Rushmore well the eyes would be further apart But also, the thing I wonder about that, okay. If they were close together. Maybe they are. I get this wrong all the time. My question about that, though, is do you think, because I feel like if it was their decision,

it would all be like pro wrestlers because that's what they like. Yeah, they are. So it wouldn't be, I think they wouldn't build it. Have you been to live pro wrestling? No, Rushmore isn't pro wrestlers. It's presidents, you idiot. Yeah, but if it was made by people. Have you ever been to a pro wrestling event?

I've been to micro wrestling when Dorps wrestles. Dude, I've been to WD. It is the most down syndrome people in one place. Is that wrestling events? I need to. Dude, you're so many. I had no idea. I went to, like, wrestling events at, like,

gyms and Woodside, and it's just like, oh, my God, this place smells, like the inside of a asshole. You don't love that? I, I, with a passion,

love people with Down syndrome. They're awesome. Yeah. You're reluctantly like, I wish they'd smile more. They'd smile. You look cuter. But my thing is,

do you think their Mount Rushmore, though, It wouldn't be them. Like, they don't have, like, I did, they don't look up to other people down syndrome. No, like Steve Jobs or, uh, what's the,

Bill Gates is one of those. No, it would be like the guy who invented the engineer that invented trains. Yeah. Mr. Potato Head. Well, Michael, it would just be Legos. Yeah.

Michael, thank you for coming on the morning good podcast. This is his podcast. I had five fun coming out. We're gonna have this up. We'll have you back again. You guys should not say game retard as much, by the way. I,

I did not say either of those things. Look, look, look, this is just me on your, podcast. You guys need to get it together. There's nothing funny about homosexuality. Wait, one second.

That was five seconds. Oh my God, my mouth smells. Yeah. Oh, man. I'm a bit of a gay retard. But I was kidding. But I like my defense. I always need to let people know I'm kidding. It's all hyperbole folks. What are you promoting, James? Do you pronounce your Instagram?

Yeah, look me up on Instagram. It's my first and last name at Instagram. Oh, that is how I sound, yes. That's not. I'm cartooning it. The first and last, I mean, sorry, the first Sunday of every month at 7 p.m. Joey has sex with a dog.

I'm at Q.E. 7 p.m. I'm at QED in Astoria. Queers. erectile dysfunction. I'm at Q. Oh, there you good. That works, actually.

You piece of shit. I'm at Q. Where's the W in there? I'm at QED in Astoria. The first Sunday of every month at 7 p.m. Come on to my comedy show. It's a great time. James?

You both have done it. You have a show. Friday, bitch ses. Yeah, yeah, I know. In Astoria. You didn't even let me say. We both have shows in Astoria. We're like rivals.

And I'll edit out the plugs. I just only edit out.