Morning Good - Comedy Gulag - Episode 139

Episode Date: December 11, 2022

Artan X. and Jake Timothy return to the show. They talk about being gifted a fleshlight, Artan's award-winning stage play, and never ever going to Russia or North Korea.Thanks to Artan and Jake for coming back on together. Check them both out on previous episodes of the show and make sure to give them a follow at their links down below to stay up-to-date with anything they might have coming out.Jake is on Instagram @jake_timothy, and Artan is on Instagram @artan_x. Artan is also frequently on the TJ Francis Program, so check that out as well.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. About an English, motherfucker. Yeah. We're here right now, the Ardenacks. I was not even loud. I don't know. I was staring.

I was taking you. Yeah, Arden X. Jake Timothy, don't call me Art Nikes. By the way, we're here today. Jake Timothy and Art Nikes are here today to squash our beef. Oh, what's the beef? Yeah, way to get us in the same room. Yeah, I drove him down here.

And I was like, I was like, I didn't, you told me it was Joe Sender on the pod. I never told you his Ardenx? No, I learned when he was in my car and I was like, I mean, you don't know this, but me and R&B isn't speaking recently. Really? Why we don't talk. Fuck, what happened? That's why I'm only going to be looking at you.

He's ignoring it. It is funny because if you have no idea if people actually have beef. Can you tell Arden, I don't fuck with him? Oh, Arden, he doesn't fuck with you at all. Can you tell Jake, it's Santa Con? That's the first time we're going to talk about. We'll talk about Santa Con. So what's the beef?

We'll get to it, don't worry. It's Santa Con, keep it in the back of the mind. We'll get to it. It was funny. I just told Arden this. We were just fucking downstairs coming inside. There were, like, people lined up to go to that bar over there on the corner. Hair of the dog?

Yeah, I wasn't going to name it because I didn't. Yeah, I like how I already. do this with a podcast. Like last time I was like, don't let anybody know I live above Keybar. Now I'm just saying where I fucking live now. Yeah, you don't live above Keybar anymore. So Michael Goodfans, you can, you know, docks Keybar. A hundred percent. You could swat them. What's that called where you sell them like a SWAT team to someone's house? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely say that key porn has massive amounts of child porn.

Key porn. Oh, yeah. My favorite bar is child porn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell the police they have cocaine and child porn. None of this is true, but fuck them and they're fucking. fucking asses. But we were fucking, we were like waiting in front of your door to come inside. And there's a line of Santa's to go into the bar, the hair of the dog, I guess. Yeah. And these like three girls that weren't in Santa outfits left the bar.

And they were just like shaking their heads like annoyed. They're like, fuck, I hate Santa Con. Yeah. Complaining. But they're also like going to a bar at 2 p.m. Yeah. That's so funny to be like, oh, these are the kind of people I want to get shit-faced in 2 p.m. People get so content.

I'm trying to, I'm trying to blag out at 2 p.m. in peace. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's so funny, too. I love, like, I get not liking Santa Con, but you not liking Santa Con makes sense. You're not a big... Yeah, but I'm anti-just people having fun in general. Yeah. It's nothing to do it. The worst, there was the people that go out and they think they're above something. So that they're still like, I'm going out. They're like, I did Santa Con three years ago, but now I'm 27 and I don't even fuck with that. It's like, fuck you. That's annoying. You know what I mean? That's different than being like all this is gay and I hate it. You know, you have I like Santa Con, dude. The shoddies are bad. I remember like going out. I have a buddy I used to like drink with a lot. Can you hold this right here, by the way?

It's going to drive me nuts. I'm going to join Jake's side. I might want to drive you nuts. Let's get, let's get this podcast going. When I have buddies drink with a lot and can you hold it there too? Oh my God. You're holding it down there.

Yeah, you're creeping down. I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I'm wrong for that. Yeah, you're wrong for this. You're like, can you hold it like this? You're like, can you hold it like this? I hold it correctly.

But I had this buddy. I used to drink. with in New York and he like I remember one time we were like bar hopping and we were we were in midtown I was like we should go into this bar and it looked like a fun bar

what's going on and he's like nah they have like a beer pong table in there it's like so what yeah I'm 19 when we're going into a bar illegally let's just do it yeah yeah yeah there's such that that level of like oh my God I hate it's like

yeah I would like I went briefly last year Because, you know, I'm not above it. I'm a piece of shit. You got your costume, like, ironed out and ready. Dude, I spent $4,000. Yeah, I bought the original, what's named Tim Allen costume from Santa Claus. Nobody recognizes it, but it's the real one.

You know that movie that just came out in Violent Night? Yeah, yeah. You bought the costume from that. It's covered in blood and brains and stuff. That would be funny if you just go up to the bar and you're like, I mean, you know what this is from, right? They're like, no, this is the original Tim Pal and Santa Claus. The funniest thing is, when he gained weight in that movie,

I remember I watched that movie, and that's how I realized I was getting fat, because I weighed way more than he was when he's like, I'm getting huge. But it was something crazy. It was like 190 pounds? I'm like, that's not that fat. Is he like really short or something? He's like a short guy? Maybe, but it's like a horrible reference because he's like,

looking at the thing. He's like, 190 pounds. No, I'm like, that's not that. What the fuck? That's not that heavy. Yeah, it's not that big at all. Yeah. That would be funny if you go to Santa Con with like a Sharpie and a bunch of

Santa memorabilia. Oh, yeah. You're just like, you're like, is Tim Allen going to be here? And we're like, no. What the fuck are we doing then?

Dude, he's got a sweet life. I love that he was just like a snitch, like a ginormous cocaine dealer. You know that that, right? And then he just snitched on the bigger guy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he has one of the cooler like,

before he was like a famous celebrity story. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's cool and not cool. It's not cool that he was a snitch, but also like, like, what are you going to do? It's not cool, but it's like fucking, I mean, It's like, that's part of your image.

It's like, you went to prison. Yeah, yeah. And then you are, now you're like, everyone loves you. Yeah. Tim Allen's image now is like, these gosh darn pot smoking teenagers. He's like, what do you? He like tries to pretend he never was the other guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like fucking Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg, like, beat the shit out of a guy for just being Vietnamese. Yeah, we talked about in the last episode, which will be the next episode because I have to cut stuff out. That episode will be later. All right, so I'm first. Are you cutting that out, the Mark Wahlberg?

No, no, that was funny because I was looking up, it was, there was an article about, Mandela effect. It's like you right remember it as Fruit Loops and it goes, you might remember Mark Wahlberg is blinding a Vietnamese man, but actually he didn't go blind when Mark Wahlberg beat him. He was Vietnamese. He was Chinese.

Oh, that's right. I do remember that differently. Oh, wow. What was I thinking? Wow. But, um, I watched a real fat guy movie. What? Fake fact. I watched that Brendan Fraser Frazier. Oh, the whale? How was it? Yeah, it was all right. It's like...

You're the only guy to say it's all right. Because People are saying it's like the best movie ever created. It's very dramatic. And they say at the end it's like a theater or a play that they made a movie. And holy shit. It's so dramatic. Why would they say that at the end? It's like taken, what is it like inspired from the play, whatever.

In the credits. But like the whole point in the movie seems like how gross this guy's fat life is. But dude, when he goes on these eating rampages, it's like the best. It's like porn. Watching him fucking stuff his face with chicken wings. in pizza and a spilling ranch on it. And it's like, everyone in theater is like, oh, but I'm like, oh, God, that looks sick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This looks amazing. To be obese, I wish I was addicted. He's gay, too, right? He is, yo, dude. Do you see him get some bussy? No, but the first scene... I don't want to see.

I want to see Brandon Fraser just fat as hell and just clap at cheeks. I didn't know it was a gay movie. Yeah. I thought it was a fat movie. Yeah, you're like, I would have protested this if I would have known. Dude, I'm going to see a fat movie. The first scene you see with Brendan is he's jerking off. First game basis.

I like that. gay porn. Over his fat belly. He's like, oh, oh, I'm fat. He's so fat he has to jerk off.

Yeah. Just kind of wiggle it around for the penis. Just like, like a girl. And then it's so weird. Like it's his clit. Just hitting it like, like the button.

Like he's on fucking jeopardy. Just like, my button's not working. Yeah. And then someone like knocks on the door to like come into his apartment. And he's having like a heart attack because this gay porn is like crazy to him.

And then. His heart's so fucked. porn will kill him. So he stops. It's crazy to him. It's like, oh my God, this is that.

It's like, it's his like alibi. He's like, I'm not gay. It's just crazy. Yeah. It gets me going because it's so nuts. His heart's rushing.

And then he stops because he's like, oh, I can't. I'm going to have a heart attack if I, if I finish. And then someone knocks on the door and he's like, it's open. Just come in.

And it's like he keeps the gay porn open. Yeah. If someone knocks on your door, you close the laptop. Yeah. But then a guy walks in, looks at the porn. And then he's like,

closes it after. Isn't that your first instinct to close the gay porn before someone just comes into your apartment? Yes, unless you're openly gay, then it probably feels good because the amount of years you've hidden gay porn. Like, if you're closeted gay,

like everybody deletes their internet history. But if you're a closet homosexual, that has to be the hardest deleting of internet. You know what I mean? You got to really make sure your Google history is cleared because you're like,

I don't have been to him gay. So it probably feels really good. He probably is just like... Yeah, it's gay. Yeah. Yeah. What are you have to say? You not like this?

No, Starge, we wouldn't play it in front of my child. It's just weird that you're making me watch it. The movie made me laugh a lot, though. Watching him eat. And then they like, the whole movie is in his apartment. No, he can't bang anybody. No, just because he's a fatty. Can't bang people.

He could... You can get so fat. You just can't have sex anymore. But that's so weird, because he doesn't look that fat in the trailers. Does he lose weight in the third of the movie? No, no. It's all sagging down. You know, some people could keep...

their fat up. His is going down to his fucking toes. See, that would be me. I'm getting just the belly's getting over the belt. You know, I would be mad. Yeah, yeah. It's going down. Sacking. Dude, I have some friend who like, he just gets fat in his arms and he just looks more muscular. He's like, I'm like, he's been working out.

He's like absolutely none. I wish my fat went to my dick, dude. Yeah, there you go. I got kept eating, you have a fat dick. You can have surgery. They had a surgery where they inject your dick with like fake boob material and you get a fat old wean. Yeah. I never understood that.

That would probably really fuck your dick up if it did it wrong, right? Yeah, if being fucked up is having a huge penis, then yeah, it sounds horrible. No, you probably can't feel anything. Oh, yeah. Unless you were, because it is silicon. Injected into my balls, dude. You know what I would do? I would have it put on the outside, so it always feels like I'm having sex with the silicon.

So like, like, as in you have your dick and then they code it. You want them to, like, show a fleshlight to your dick? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a great idea. Yeah. I'm always coming. Did you wake on the border and she's like, ugh, it's gonna be a good day.

Yeah, that's a wild life. I was talking about a friend on the phone the other day, and he was telling me that he was, like, years ago, he was gifted a flashlight by someone. And it's a... By the way, nobody who's been gifted that as a prank has never not fucked it. Yeah, you gotta give it a shot.

Have you ever used the flashlight? No, but I'll... Have you? This is what he said it was the... He goes, it's... It was the Latin... Latin Knights edition. Or Latina Knights, something like that. That's what the...

It was called. They're saying Latin Kings. You see a fucking hard one home. Man, you fuck this. Oh, you get your fleshlight. It's made out of, like, a prison mattress. But, no, it's a... But, like, if you're having a conversation

with, like, three guys, and they're all talking about their flashlights, And you say, oh, I have the Latino one. You're still the weirdest guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I have like a brown one. Like, I have like a green one. Yeah, I have, I have the Latina flame.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think especially if you're a white guy, it looks creepier. You know what I mean? Yeah, why do you have to buy a race? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just makes it so weird. Yeah, I don't know if I would be funny if they made the Asian ones like just no, just stereotyping completely.

They make it like the tightest one possible. They're like, put like a face on it. Yeah, yeah. Just make it weirder. I had a buddy one time and we walked into his, I walked into his bathroom. And I swear on my life,

there was a flashlight that he got as a prank and drip going to a bottle of Kraft's Italian dressing. And I asked him about it. He's like, yeah, I fucked it. I'm like, you were fucking Italian dressing. Like, with the flakes in it, too. What is he?

Brendan Frazier. I remember you. Yeah. It's disgusting. That's how the whale drinks ranch. He just squirts in his mouth. puts it in like a butthole fleshlight and just... You know what I wanted...

Do you have those dicks that like... They always... They have like dildos that you could fill with like fake come. And like I've seen it in porn. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. I always want to see like the behind the scenes of like the guy just shooting it like a... Like it's a gun.

Oh, that'd be hilarious. Just go around town squirting people in the face. But that's... Is that sexual... It's definitely harassment. Is it sexual though? If it's not a real penis? Uh, water gun.

dick? Yeah. Started spraying people outside? That's borderline, right? Because it could be sexual harassment because you are squirting dick juice, but it's not a real dick. I don't know. I want to see the score case.

I want to see how this pans out. But I wonder, I don't know why you'd fill that up with, like, fake juice. I feel like what you'd want to fill it up with is like toaster struddle cream and stuff like that. So it actually tastes good when you finish sucking it, right? I like, I just can't help but laugh at using the word fake jizz. Like that's a thing. Yeah.

Well, I assume it is. It's something else that just looks like jizz, but I would. wonder, I don't know what it is. There's movie theater. It's like, condition. Not movie theater, but like movie effect. I don't know why. Yeah, I make the jizz for special effects in movies.

Something about Mary. I did that one. Any other movie you've seen jizzed in? I've made it. It must be like, if you need fake cum for a movie, there's no way that they just give you like a regular amount of cum. They give you like a jug of it. Yeah.

Why would I need this one? What other movies are fake gum? I think it's something about Mary. Silence of the line. Oh yeah, yeah, that. Probably top two. Yeah, yeah. Something about Mary.

Yeah, I can't think about another other than other than there's something about Mary. Oh, yeah, that fucking scary movie. Yeah, that's what I was thinking where he shoots it up. What are you talking about? I'm talking about the blind guy. The blind American Pie. One of the American Pie movies. Oh, yeah, he comes in the beer.

Yeah, yeah. The scary movie. You know what? I haven't seen a single movie with Jizzin in the last 10 years. what's happened to Hollywood Yeah, that's going on. There's like a moment Where a lot of movies

Like they had like people You'd see people's dicks and stuff And then you'd see come And then after a while People are like, right Yeah, they put it away We're not selling tickets this way There's not a single comedy

With nudity in the last like thing I don't know about that Maybe they probably got boobs still Um No no they took that away Because I feel like now it's viewed at It's like misogynistic Like they had movies

Like I remember sex drive they had an unrated version. They go, most unrated versions, you're gonna get one or two extra bucks. They're like, we promise an extra set of boobs in every single scene. So every scene,

there's just like a topless woman that, like, walks in. But I remember when you were a kid, that was like the best. It's like, we had an airplane. And there was like, two seconds where a topless woman walked on the screen.

I remember pausing it every time. And I was like, I'm gonna go ahead. Oh, yeah. That movie's PG, too. Yeah, yeah. And there's a scene where there's a lady just like shaking her boobs at the camera.

Yeah, well, that was like the early PG because there was a time period. I think Stephen Spielberg actually was the reason they had PG-13 because he, like, argued with the studios. He was involved in it somehow because they were like, they had PG and R. So all the PG movies were like way wilder because they were like, this isn't quite an R-rated movie, but this is not.

Yeah, so then PG-13 came along. But I remember I was hanging out on my buddy one time. It was like in sixth grade and he's like, dude, let's watch Wedding Crash. That's hilarious. He got the unrated version. It's good scene. And then he kept pausing it with the boobs.

He's like, hey, man, can you leave? And then I was like, yeah, sure, I should wait at the other room while? He just jerked off. He's come back. Yeah. And you come back at the end of the movie. He's crying. He's wiping the tears away.

He learned his lesson about love. Vince Vaugh. That is a guy I would love to grab a beer with. I feel like he would be awesome. Vince Fawn. Yeah. I've heard stories. I know some guy who worked with him was that he was like pretty crazy.

He said it was like he drove him to the airport. I have no idea this is true. But he's he drove him to the airport one time, and he's like, can you walk to the gate with me? He's like, I've never walked to the airport alone in like 10 years or something like that. That makes you want to get a beer with him even more? No, no, no, before that.

Just like, you see him just talking to movies. He's like, what if I this? What about that? Ball. I remember, like, years ago, not even that long ago, but I heard, like, someone was telling me, like, I was saying something about wedding crashes or whatever, some Vince Vaughn movie.

And they were like, you know Vince Vaughn is like, he's like really into guns? and I was like, oh, that's awesome. Like, now he's like... Yeah. Every other comedy star nowadays is also like a political person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like, no, fuck I, I love guns.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, he is like, uh, like, I want to say, right. I don't know what he is, but it is funny to like, he, he's like the only guy in Hollywood that's like, like, doesn't care about that, yeah. Yeah, I mean, there's no, like, I don't even know if he's like a Republican. He just likes guns. Yeah, yeah.

And even if he was Republican and fucking gives a shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His movies aren't, like, making a statement. No, not at all. Yeah, that's always cool. It's like, do the thing, but be totally uninvolved in it. Yeah. Besides, Mel Gibson movie looks so funny. There's one where he's like an edgy podcaster. Somebody calls in, it's like, I got your daughter. That's, I think that's based on a movie called, uh, it's like night radio or some shit. Do you know what I'm talking about? No.

There's a movie, I forget what it's called, but it's like this guy keeps calling into a radio station. It's like an overnight radio station. And, uh, he's like threatening to blow it up. Yeah. And so they like, it's like all takes place in the station. Oh, that's kind of cool. And so they're like talking. It's interesting. And then at the end, he actually does kill like the host, the guy who's calling in.

Oh, nice. And the guy, the actor's name who plays like the killer, he plays like a Klansman or something in the movie. His name in real life is Rockets Red Glare. That is fucking sick. I can't wish I could remember what this movie was called. It's called Morning Good The Movie. Yeah. And he's the hero.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's what the Bell Gibson one looks like. It's like him just being a badass. He's like, I want to say whatever I want my radio station. Liberals get so offended now that they kidnap your daughter. I'll let her go if you use my proper pronouns, dude. Yeah. That would be so fun.

That's all you got to do. It looks like it was like from independent company. I haven't watched any of those daily wire movies, but I want to watch one so bad. I bet they're funny hilarious. I want to watch that. I really want to watch the fucking school shooting one. That one looks awesome. Yeah.

Is it about a school shooter who, a school shoot like these girls escape there's like a group of guys that are shooting up to school and these girls escape the school and then they're like we have to get our dad's guns and bring them to school to school shooters. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. The school shooters are the guys that are the bad guys

they're like Antifa pretty much. Oh of course. Yeah they're like liberal. Yeah yeah yeah these sound fun. There was another one recently. What was the movie I was like I need to see that so bad. There was something coming out Oh yeah Apparently there's another Alex Jones movie he made called the Obama Deception. The cover is some,

you can't tell who it is. It looks like maybe Biden or somebody and there's like, he's holding a Barack Obama mask over his face. And my buddy saw it. He says it's like crazier than the last one. It was like he's like, yeah, by 2020 white people will be in like concentration

camp and all this stuff that just like did not happen. I want to watch that fucking, that movie that guy, that guy, that guy, Denesh D'Souza made. Or he was that guy? What's that first name? Is it Dinesh? I don't know.

Something des, DeSauza. What's the movie? He made a movie about, like, election fraud. He's like a conservative pundit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He made a movie about election fraud, and it's like,

it's like the most factually inaccurate thing. He just ever made it. Yeah, I forget what it, but he has, like, they're like video evidence. There's video evidence in the movie of, like, people putting fake, like, dumping fake votes into things that are just, like, staged. Yeah.

like obviously staged. Yeah. That's hilarious. That was like a big movie though for like Daily Wire people. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's like that they probably time them to like around Thanksgiving.

They're like this is something people were going to take their family to go see. They're like this is a Christmas. Yeah, it's a Christmas movie. People say die hard as a Christmas, which I could see that. Yeah, because it takes place on Christmas. They take place on Christmas. What do you look it up? I'm trying to find the name of the movie.

It's something fun. it's like 20,000 goats or something. Would I say... Did you watch Violent Night? No, but I feel like I would like it. You would love it. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty sick.

Yeah. Like if John Wick was Santa Claus. Yeah, well, the funny part is they made that movie like three years ago, basically. They already made a badass Santa Claus movie. They make a COVID reference in it. A 2,000 mules. Or I'm wrong.

Mule is someone who was paid by the Democrats to dump fake votes into the... Oh, yeah. What was the... was the uh the COVID reference no it was another movie thinking of the menu they made a COVID reference in the menu I watched too many movies I fuck it but in that movie they make a COVID reference that's very corny what is it it's like we kept you open during COVID the guy like who runs the restaurant is complaining about people and that's one of the things the lady says

yeah and they're very and they look at the camera and wink yeah we're there are very few things that is really funny that like there are very few movies that like COVID exists in and TV shows and stuff like that. I mean, I'm fine with that, but it is very interesting. A lot of the movies that COVID is like a part of it fucking suck. Oh, I'm sure, yeah. Really bad. But some of them also...

Like that movie that Judd Appetal made called The Bubble. You see that movie? No, it's a Netflix movie. It's about like a movie crew that they start filming a movie during the lockdown. And it's about like the shenanigans. It's fucking sucks. It's so bad. He is not...

He fucking sucks. I don't think there's anybody I hate it. more now. He fucking... So, so, you also, like, for years, I'll fucking say this, because I will never be a part of any... Not, like, intentionally. If he asked me, I would 100% be like,

yes, Mr. Appetow. Well, if you asked them, they would say yes, because you're a media darling. Industry darling. Yeah. Michael Good. But I'm pretty sure he just attaches his name to so many things that, like, you're like,

oh, yeah, he made Superbad. You're like, really? Because it says written by... Yeah, he just, like, produced it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He funded a lot of things. That people were like, he's a creative genius. like, no, not really.

He produced it in the sense that like, like Seth Roken wanted to be the main guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, nah, it should be a younger guy. And they're like, all right, you're a producer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like, if the movies he's actually, like, written are like funny people. What a great one. You know what I mean?

It's like shit like that. Yeah, a fucking three hour movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sucks, dude. Yeah. I did like seeing an Adam Sandler sex scene, though, that made it funny. Yeah. That movie, I could have, I watched that movie, like,

not that long ago. It could be like 30 minutes long. Yeah. And they drag it out. It's like two hours and 45 minutes. It's fucking nothing to this. Well, that is a weird thing too with movies where like I think in some, in some it extends, like some movies are good and long.

But also a lot of people sometimes suck at writing. So like, not that I'm fucking good at, but like it's like you wrote a three hour movie. It's like if you were good at writing, you'd actually be able to cut shit that doesn't. You know what I mean? But like a three hour movie should be like an epic. Like the Batman. Like Tarantino movies.

Yeah, like Wolf of Wall Street. I watched Wolf Wall Street the other day. A movie's awesome. Yeah, that doesn't even like drag. But like a... Forrest Gump, that could be a long movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like a drama comedy movie for three hours.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's fucking sit through this shit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because the guy, like, he's diagnosed with cancer and then halfway through, he doesn't have cancer anymore. Yeah. You're like, well, why are I even watching this? That's a lot of movies.

Like, what is it? 50-50. That was another Seth Rogen movie where he, like, his friend has cancer. Yeah. I kind of like that movie though Oh, that's what I don't dislike it But that seems like that's a common like trope

It's like guy has cancer Yeah yeah but that they did it right In that movie like he has cancer And then he goes into remission Or he gets a surgery And then he's in remission at the end And so there's like an arc there Yeah

But in funny people it's like he has cancer And then he doesn't And then there's two hours left Yeah Where he's just hanging out With these like annoying comedy writers Yeah Just fuck it sucks

Yeah Can you read the thing I sent you by the way this is one of the funniest things. My buddy went to law school and he had to read this. You don't remember Donald Sterling, the guy who likes it, the super racist stuff?

The Clippers guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is from his deposition. I can read it if you don't want to read it because there's some wild stuff in there. Hold on, I don't want you bringing this black marriage to my games. The text is a screenshot of the whatever.

Can I read this? I'll explain this later. Yeah, yeah, yeah, can I read it? This is for his trial. Well, I fool around sometimes I do. When a girl seduces me and tells me all of these hot stories and dirty things and tells me how much she wants to suck on me and takes my shoes off and licks my feet and touches me. When I'm in a limousine, she takes all of her clothes off.

The limo driver said, what is going on? And she started sucking me on the way to Mr. Coon's house. And I thank her. And I thank her for making me feel so good. Sir, the question was, is this your handwriting? and I thank her. I love it. The question was,

is this is your hand writing? I'm just going off. Dude, is this your handwriting? Well, I fool around sometimes. I wrote this while I was getting head in the back of a limo. Yeah,

dude, I love just the old guy, just rambling stories that you're like, is there any? And I'm like this too. But I'm like, when I'm older, it's going to be so much more off the rails

than it is now. But it's so funny when they're like, they just go, you're like, that's not at all when I was asking. I like the limo driver being like, what's going on, back? Yeah. Also, I feel like half the time you're a limo driver,

your job is to shut the fuck up while somebody's getting their dick sucked in the back of the limbo. Like how much of that is like, I'm going to bang somebody in the back of this car and you're not going to say a word about it. My grandfather told me this like, it was like last Christmas. My grandfather died two days ago. Oh, shit. Yeah.

Sorry to hear that. It's sorry. He was very old. But he told me this story, uh, two, like, last Christmas. I guess, about when he was younger, when he was, he was, like, in the military for a while, and he was driving home because he was like, I don't know,

I forget, whenever you leave the military, whatever that's called, D-somethinged. Oh, discharge. He was discharged. He was discharged. He killed a bunch of people. He was driving home, and, like, the army put him up in some hotel in the Midwest for, like, a night, and he went

to the bar. He's, like, alone. you went to the bar in the hotel and he was drinking and he was like there was this guy just like talking to me i didn't know him he's like talking to me and i was like you know i'm like i'm like polite but the back of my head i was like this guy's a little like loose in the shoes you know what i mean i was like okay he's like in the loafers they like yeah he's like you know i'm like being nice but i'm like i'm letting them know like this isn't for me yeah and he's like so i have a couple drinks i go back to my room and i fall asleep he's like and then i wake up and I see like a figure in the corner of my room just like standing and like looking at him

and so he like notices him he goes so I like pretended I was still asleep and I like let the figure stand for a second and feel like it was comfortable and then I just threw the covers off and jumps onto it and started beating the shit out of it and I was like you're not getting me today you're not turning me into one of the and he's just and then he's like and I realize it was like my coat hanging on a hangar. Oh my God. I was crying. I liked that he had these

haunted nightmares of a gay guy. I saw that day. But it was... That is genuine homophobia because it's a genuine fear. But he's... He has, like, they're gay people in his family and he's, like, loves them.

He's completely accepting of him, but this was, like, like, the 40s or the 50s. That is so funny to just be like, they're in the shadows. Learning to suck me off. He's like the first time he'd heard stories of gay men. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He met a guy who was friendly to him in a bar. And all night, he was like, he's coming to get me. It's like, dude, they're not real. No guy wants to suck on balls. They're like, no, they exist. I swear. He's always spinning in a tail with yarn. Is that what was the expression? line like that?

Spinning, spinning stories, I guess. Yeah, yeah. There's a bunch of ways you can say that. Yeah. Well, it was out of for a while in the United States, right? Being gay? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I mean, sodomy is still illegal in, like, a bunch of states. But it's not like a thing they're going to arrest you for. Yeah, I have no idea. Unless you're doing it in public. I don't know how to catch you butt fucking. But that's a lot of gay men used to have, like, because they were, like, married or closeted and they'd have sex and they, like, they'd go into, like, Central Park.

and have sex, you know, those fucking nuts. There's a part, I was, like, walking through this part of the park with Eli once.

I think it's called, like, the grove. You know the part of Central Park that's like, it's like foresty and the paths are winding through it?

You know what I'm not? No. I know multiple places. It's really cool. It's in Central Park and it's like a section of the park. It's like that.

And, uh, there was a time in the history of the city when that was like, just gay men would just go there to have sex. Yeah.

Just in like, at night, they would just fuck in the woods there. And there was a part of the police, like a section of the police that would, I forget, I don't know how you say that correctly right now. A committee, task force, whatever, who they would just ride through the woods

with billy clubs. Jesus. Fine gay men having sex and just beat the shit out of them. Damn. In like the 70s. Damn. Isn't that fucking crazy? Yeah.

That is, uh, that's wild. That they're having sex in public. Yeah. but that's crazy you don't have good cops like that anymore that's something about that's where you fucking that's you know in a psalomy is uh illegal that's where they're like all right we can finally enforce this law that's crazy now that you guys are out here in the streets that's fucking i can picture them in like golf carts just riding around and some guy hanging off the edge boom yeah like the way all like modern groundskeepers do just like a fat guy one leg hanging out of

the cart drives around the stop he's like you guys can't be fucking over here. You gotta get off. Get off the hospital property if you're gonna fuck. Yeah, that's always crazy like violently attacking somebody for like a nonviolent crime.

I also, I bet you there was so many planning. Yeah, but you can't have sex in a park. You can't really take it the cops at. What's wrong with that? Who cares? Who are you hurting?

Who are you hurting? I don't want to see that. People don't want to see that. You weren't even alive. I don't know, but that's why, but if they didn't hit them with the clubs,

then it's still go on. I'm adding this to the list of things. I can't stand about you, when we're walking in a guy and a girl I have fucking, there's so much beat with this guy. So first of, I'm going to say the thing is,

if it's broad daylight, I don't care. If it's at nighttime, I don't care even more. So why at night would you, why in the middle of the night would you care

that people are fucking in the park? I really would only be upset if I couldn't get into my apartment because someone was having sex in the doorway. If I was eating like a cassidia and they were butt-fucking on top of the casadier.

That's the only occasion I would ever care if two dudes were butt-buck. Yeah, even if they were just on the other end of the table. Yeah, yeah. You guys want a piece of quazadea? You guys are working up an appetite.

Unless you're hiding, I don't think you should just have sex in the park. No, no, I don't think anybody's... They are hiding. They're not in the middle of the field. They're in, like, the woods. That's what I thought you were saying, in the park.

Is it night in the middle of the night? Could I have described that anybody? No, no, you just the middle of the park. At night, there's a part of the park. It's like a wooded area. It's overgrown. and the paths are winding and then people would hide in there

and have sex. And then the next day I just said park and you were like trying to get his ball back and slips on cum. Who cares if he slips on come? What's gonna happen?

You think he's gonna morph it into venom? He's gonna become like a gay cum monster. How long do you think cum stays just like a puddle of liquid cum? It froze. It turned into ice skating range. Yeah, dude.

If I fucking like come on something it'll be dry within like a few minutes. Try it pretty quick. How do you know that? Because I fucking have come before. All right. Arden's never come. Yeah, because it's also like they couldn't do this in their apartments because it was like so frowned upon.

They're like, you know what I mean? Like you do it in your apartment? Because you're married. A lot of them, yeah, were like in straight relationships. So like hide their sexuality. Yeah. And you're over here thinking they should be beat by Billy clubs. I don't think you should be beat.

I think if it was just dudes and chicks. fucking in a park. I pictured no like trees just like in the fucking lawn. The great lawn. Just people fucking. Yeah. It's not at all what he said. You described to forest for like I don't listen to you telling your long

stories, to be honest. I only listen to when my good... Hard to checks out. This doesn't have enough bandwidth to listen to a full sentence. What? I have beef, dude. I have beef with you. Yeah, it sounds like you guys do are beefing. Only a little bit. Only a little bit.

that everybody thinks that gay guy just got killed in Qatar, right? Yeah, probably. I don't know what it was. There was a gay guy who was wearing the pride shirts and he obviously got arrested for it or stopped by the police because it was like guitar, you know, not the best place. And he was found like dead.

Like they said he got sick in the arena, yeah. They said he got sick. Yeah. Somebody was like, somebody's like, we need to put boots on the ground. No, everybody's like, how we, they're like, we need to get revenge on guitar. I'm like, you know how we get revenge on guitar? We don't fucking live there.

This is enough revenge. living in a way better fucking country. My life's going to be a thousand times better than almost all of Qatar. Yeah. I'm surprised I haven't heard. That should be like fake news. Yeah. Well, his brother thinks it's foul play. Yeah. I bet it's. He's like, you know,

what he was doing with guys was, that was foul. I'm not talking about. I'm interested to hear what Brittany Griner will have to say about how she was treated. There's no way positive. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure they would say horrible things to her. For sure. It's all in Russian, though.

She's like, I bet that's nice. They're like, oh, it's not. You think they treated her badly? For sure. A Russian prison. Yeah, but like, isn't there, like, a bunch of footage of, like, her just sitting in a cell? In, in, like, the courtroom. Oh, God.

Yeah. Yeah. That's so fucked up how they, like, a bear in a cage. When you're, like, the defendant in a trial in Russia, they just have you in a cage in the courtroom. Yeah, it's nice. They don't really do that in America. They'll put you in, like, a glass. If you're, like, a really dangerous.

Oh, wait, they have her in, like, a cage? A literal cage with metal bars. Jesus. Like a zoo. animal. It's crazy. That's nice. I mean, any, like, prisoner, though, it's just what they do. Yeah, yeah. It's fucking nuts. Yeah, that's, those are the places.

Like, look, I want to travel the world, but there's some country in the fucking worst situation. Yeah. Being, like, imprisoned in Russia, of all places. Yeah. I mean, North Korea would be worse, but... Yeah, definitely. But you're imprisoned in a place where you probably didn't even do anything. They're just like, you're American

and we're trying to, like, incite something. So you're going to be, like, the middle of it, right? Yeah, no, it's terrifying. Horrifying. Yeah, no, There are countries. I'm never going to go to China ever in my life. I'm never going to go to Russia. Probably never go to most parts of Africa. I've always wanted to go to Russia.

But now I'm like, I'll probably never. Dude, zero percent shot. It's like, yeah. They're going to catch me with my gay porn and throw me in jail. There's no way of it. They don't do billy clubs in Russia. I just throw you in jail forever. Yeah.

Yeah, that's crazy. I'm like, there's no desire. I've also, I've been, I'm not a very cultured guy. I've gone to, like, Europe. and I was like, not for me. Have you ever been to any Asian countries? No. I've been to South America,

been to Spain, Europe, never any Asian countries. It's always scary when you hear, like, when people go to Thailand, you could get arrested for, like, nothing. Yeah. That's why Japan, if I were to guess, just based off what I heard, it seems cool, you know?

Yeah. We're like, like, Singapore, too. With that. That's like, that's the one where it's like, if you, like, spit gum on the ground, they'll cane you and shit like that. Yeah, that's the hard part. There's so many weird roles that you wouldn't even know it.

You know what I mean? You tie your shoes. The next thing you know, it's like in front of the monument of like some guy and then they just shoot you in the bone arrow in shed. You're like, what the fuck? You have no idea. I mean, I would walk. That's law number one, bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like, I have no idea what any of this is. And there's no way I'm going to get drunk in one of those countries and not think it's funny to like pee on a statue. Like I will get murdered. You'll be the auto warmbia of the Singapore. Is that the, the North Korean guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who fucking, or the American guy. He tried to steal like a propaganda poster.

Yeah, yeah, I saw that. Like, how fucking dumb could you be, bro? No, how dumb is he? I agree. But also, if he brought it back, what a legend, dude. King of the Frat. That's what all of his frat brothers

were at the funeral, they're like, this is horrible. But if he would have got it. Yeah, dude, if he pulled that off. is. Yeah, that's just crazy because it's like, it's like obviously horrific

and disgusting what they do in other countries to people, especially like, you know, there's like a gay guy who died. But it's like also like, if I was ever in Qatar, there's a zero percent chance I would wear a pride shirt.

Like, it's like, it's like, it's just, there's a zero percent chance I would turn gay. Yeah, yeah, I guess it's fair to say that. It's like, it's like, it's like, that is also a, it's like in no way that he deserved to die,

but then it's also a crazy. easy thing to do to be like, I'm going to this place that it's illegal to be gay in. And I'm like, if you definitely were like trying to protest. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, dude, if you live in the country, I totally understand because you're like, I'm not leaving here. This is my place. I want to.

But going somewhere else. It's like, I don't go to the Middle East and play Where's the Love by the Black I have been. What was this guy? He was a journalist for like Sports Illustrated. What was he from America? England? Yeah, from America, I believe.

That's the thing they tell, like, what, like, volunteer people. Do you know what? like people that go to countries to like build schools. Yeah, which is like a horrible thing. Because they just, it's like, that's how they make money

is by getting those people to build the school. And then when they leave, they just tear it down and then have another group come in. It's like rich, rich American kids. Yeah, yeah. They tell them now,

they're like, don't, if you, don't like make anyone here try to like American. Yeah. Like, if they want to be American, tell them to move to America.

Because a lot of these, like, they're like rich college white kids from America. They'll like meet people in these. like countries and they'll tell them stuff like oh if you're like gay like just be yourself

like tell like like like it's like you're gonna get murdered for saying that your parents don't accept you then like fuck them they'll they'll have to come around to it if they love you and then the kids you know they're like hey mom dad I'm gay and they just get killed yeah yeah exactly yeah he's head cut off

with a very different culture here yeah yeah for sure yeah yeah it's wild and it's like it's like to like go over there it's like dude that's it's like I totally understand being like like fuck you guys, I'm gay, but also like, don't go to North Korea and start doing that. It's like, this is like, like, that doesn't change the fact that I think

North Koreans are horrible for being homophobic or whatnot. Yeah, it's like, it's not... What are you doing? It's not the same as like not being accepted. Yeah, yeah, you're going to a place where... It's like, like, really dangerous to have that kind of identity here, which is horrible, but you fucking

gotta be careful. For sure. It's like going up to Grizzly, like all animals assault each other. It's like trying to teach consent to a bunch brisly bears. It's like, what are you doing? This is like obviously they should not rape each other, but also don't be here. It's a horrible place to be, yeah. You know, like the

leader of Chechnya, that place in Russia, Kadirov, there was an interview where they tricked them into doing an interview and they asked them about like, oh, what do you have to say about the people, the supposed deaths, like you guys killing gay people in Chechnya? And he goes

like, oh, this is why you wanted to interview me, huh? We don't got gay people here. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no gay people in, yeah, yeah. That's such a, that's like an Albanian thing. That's the same thing. There's no gay people in Russia? Like, someone asked, like, are you, like, why, where does like the homophobia in Russian culture come from? And he's like, we're not

homophobic. How could we be homophobic? There's no way. That's fucking wild, yeah. I mean, of all the, there are horrible atrocities going on over there, but that's a hilarious way to answer that question. Yeah, there's None. Yeah. They just don't exist.

Yeah. How could I be racist? I got no black friends. Yeah. Don't hang out with them. Yeah. Yeah, I have no desire to go to Russia ever. And I never did, though.

Because I used it you did for a little about. I'm like, that place every... And by the way, I just based off state... Like, whenever I see a country, I've said it before, I just see it in three pictures. I'm completely like guitar. I've never been there. I pictured the stadium. And then a woman getting rocks thrown at her.

That's... I have no idea. anything about it. But it's like there's no part of me that wants to go over there. What if you knew you were going to be safe? I don't think you ever know. Going to like Moscow, you wouldn't want to see all that? It looks pretty cool. The architecture

and all that? I think there's enough. Everything looks like a genie's hat. I do think that looks cool. And I guess it all depends on what your preference is. Because in my mind, I'm like, okay, I'm sure in Japan there's cool shit I can see. I'm sure in South America I could go to Antarctica. I'm sure there's enough cool places that I haven't been to that I don't have to go to the ones that

suck. But I understand. The hard part of it. This is guy too is he was a he was a sports writer. What if they loved your comedy? The World Cup. What if Putin came out and be like, man, I hate America, but if there's one thing I like, Michael good, Michael good. Yeah, yeah. And we're willing to fly him out. You would be detained by the federal government so quick. Oh, yeah, that's why. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So quick. Yeah, yeah. That'll be funny, just a bunch of comics. Like, we're doing the outlaws of comedy in Russia. They just get murdered immediately.

Yeah. guys like, you know, the... Yeah, we're the comedy commies. Yeah. You're actually in the gulag. Yeah. It's like with this guy's like... It's like, comedy gulag.

It is hard because like you are a sports writer. So like I, I, I 100% am like, I get being a sports writer and you want to go... World Cup's like the biggest event. So like, you're gay and your sports writer and you want to go to guitar. But on top of that, I would be like, I would, I don't know, I would be like so fucking... Yeah. I'd wear a shirt of just two women

having sex. Be like... Those shirt are. especially the ones that cover wars and stuff, those journalists have balls, dude. Yeah, no, no, yeah. And by the way, I also want to say, I do also respect,

like there's a fine line between doing something wildly, dangerous, and also unintelligent, but I also respect, I'm like, that takes a lot of courage to do that. But courage is not always great to have sometimes. Yeah, fucking lead you right in the lion's den. Yeah, exactly. It's funny how every, like, every time,

every World Cup I've been alive for, there's like before it happens there's a big push like people are upset that the stadiums are just built by slave labor like pretty much no matter where they have the World Cup the stadiums are built by the slave labor and it's just nothing's ever been done about it

people just complain about it and they're like all right well we're still gonna do it yeah yeah yeah yeah just happens yeah dude I heard that one was crazy where like people would show up and then they'd steal their passports and be like you're stuck in this and now you have to like build the stadium it's funny like countries are like

compete for who gets to have the World Cup in their country. They can argue over and make their case for it. And they're just making their case for like, we get to use slaves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get to have slaves for a bit. Yeah, it's crazy. That's why they want to so best. Yeah, I want to have a slave. I want to, oh man,

I want to fucking make my slaves. Yeah, it is weird. Like, there was the weren't there the Olympics in like Nazi Germany? Yeah, right? They didn't allow beer there. One of the biggest atrocities of the Nazis. Well, that's the same with guitar. You can't get alcohol. Yeah.

stadiums. Disgusting. That is where I draw the way. When I watched the Croatia win yesterday, I was like, I know these guys have like flasks in their socks or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Croatians drink a lot. Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's also part of the Middle East is like you can't alcohol. I've heard there are a lot of countries where you can't even get alcohol in the country. Yeah. Which is that's wild to me. And that is like. Well, I think it's, that's in like Dubai and Saudi Arabia. Like you're not supposed to have alcohol, but everyone there is so rich. Like you can just do whatever you want pretty much.

Yeah, yeah. They can, if they want it, they can get it. Yeah, yeah. Well, see, that's the thing you said about the Russian thing, too. Even if Putin's like, I would love him. I'm like, I don't trust that enough. I would, in the back of my mind, still be thinking, like, this is a setup or this is like, you know what I mean?

Like, Dennis Rodman going to North Korea. Like, that's crazy to me. See. Yeah, that should be as big a problem as Kanye saying, I love Hitler. Yeah. That's a great point. Everyone was just like, isn't this hilarious? I'm like, not at all.

Yeah. This guy is, is a terrible. Like, he is. one of the most dangerous people on the planet. Yeah, if he was as successful, he would be Adolf Hitler. You know what I mean? Like, if there were Jews in North Korea, I guarantee you he would kill them.

Oh, yeah, but he doesn't even have, like, know what a Jew is. He doesn't know what Jewish people are. So his scapegoat is the most... Everyone in the world is like, we hate Jewish people. And his scapegoat is like... It's a fantasy right. Not even know what they are. God.

Yeah. Yeah, any country where there are Jewish people, they're like, those are our guys. Yeah, that is so funny. But in North Korea, it's like, I mean, we just have to choose some North Koreans who looked a little Jewish. Those are the guys. Those are the woods, yeah. And they don't even have, like, real banks. They're like, oh, man, like, who do we blame?

They're controlling the banks. The what? There's not even food here. I mean, they're controlling the potatoes. Reading rats. Reading rats. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be crazy.

And there is always that conspiracy, though, that people go, what if it's not that bad? And that's all American propaganda. I mean, it totally is. I believe there's enough evidence to say it's that crazy. But there is always that conspiracy there. What if our government's just lying to us so much? And North Korea is actually awesome. And Kim Jong-un's like a great guy.

Man, if they knew how fun it was over there, they'd all leave. Yeah. But if that's true, that conspiracy, it's like there are so many little things. things you hear about that problem in the world, like that country, that like, it wouldn't, no, it wouldn't even occur to you to make propaganda about it. Like China,

if people, like, what is it called, dissent? If you desantez, if you, like, if you leave North Korea, what's that called? Oh, you're a it's like a D word. Give me, give me a second. You're a trainer. You're a, what's

it's called a you leave north korea you dis uh fucking this is gonna i'm literally this is going to make me throw this is going to go crazy i'm going to hurt myself you're a blank of north korea there's a word people who um fuck this is like hurting my brain not de facto you detract do no no no de facto de facto de facto de facto de facto de facto de facto de facto Defector. All right. If you defects from North Korea and you end up in China, they'll just send you back. Yeah, yeah, because it's a puppet state of China, yeah.

Yeah, but no one, like American property, like, no one would think to make up that story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's such, like, a small thing that you hear at some point. Yeah, for sure. That fucking suck. Yeah, yeah. And I've also heard it's scarier. So, like, I was talking to Ben Frank, who, like, lived in China.

And he's like, yeah, like, he lived there before COVID. Like, right before COVID. And then he's like, I felt it getting scarier. And then I laughed. Because like, dude, Ben Frank could have been on lockdown right now. And then they sent them right back. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

What? They sent them right back. Yeah. It's an American, be like, we know you're Chinese, dude. I get deported. He's a white Jewish guy, but they're like, no, I see China on this passport. So you have no. He gets, he somehow ends up in North Korea.

And they're like, he's the guy. Yeah. He's why you're starving. Yeah. Yeah, I've no desire to go to And I had a buddy who went there Like 10 years ago China or North Korea

China and he said it was like He went there I mean a lot of people have been there But you said it was like You There's a time period where like there's just a speaker Like one of those like And it was just like yelling propaganda

And everybody like went down to like pray to like Ping or whoever was in charge then It was like there was like a time of day That like propaganda would play out of like this like speaker And in the town square everybody would like Do like a not prayer but like a you know some sort of weird creepiness. That's crazy, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. China, like, it seems like a cool place, but I think I'd be a little freaked out. I don't know. There's nothing really in China. It's like, so different. That you hear is like,

oh, let me go visit China. I mean, you see all you hear is about how, like, shitty the environment is, like, everything, it looks like fog. Things just, like, it's just so different. It's such a huge country, too. Is there any, like, a track? Yeah, yeah.

The Great Wall of China? It's a wall. but it's pretty great but the one thing I thought was cool is like you will see on Instagram like cool videos of like some crazy it's like this is like an indoor mall in Beijing Beijing China right?

Yeah and it'll be like an indoor mall that's like inside the mall is like a rainforest or like really cool architecture stuff like you'll see stuff like that they're like that looks awesome or like something that looks like just a just like a beautiful waterfall like there are stuff like things like that that look beautiful but I'm still like that's like

you can see shit like that in like Japan and South Korea too. Exactly. Really cool, like, like really, really modern architecture stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of crazy. I've seen some picture of Dubai. I've seen some picture of Dubai. It looked crazy. It looks nuts.

Yeah, it looks nuts. You ever seen those videos of, like, in China? There's like, like, people just pooping in the mall. Yeah, dude,

that's my buddy went there. He was on a fucking bus and the guy just, some of this woman just squats down, takes a shit, and then just like, yeah.

How many more people do we need in America until we start doing that? Like, the population. far off, dude. The population will get to a point where people are like, you can just shit wherever you want.

I'm not waiting on line for the bathroom. Yeah, yeah. Taking the shit right here. Yeah, that's where I always, I don't know what the answer. I mean, I, somebody brought up the idea

of like government-funded sterilization where they're like, we'll pay you to not have kids. Like, well, and I'm like, that doesn't, that doesn't sound like a terrible idea. You know what, though? What would always happen, though,

is some form of eugenics where, like, only poor people would take, that because nobody who's rich is like I'm not going to have kids so yeah but the problem is if the population grows to a certain amount and they'll they try to like plateau it like it like it's hard to make it just stop and like the same amount of people are being created to just replace the people that are dying because if you dip then there are like then we've created an infrastructure where you need more people to work all these jobs but you don't have them and so things will start to

fall apart. Yeah, there's always just weird COVID conspiracy. It's like, what if the vaccine makes you infertile? I'm like, look, you shouldn't do that without somebody's consent, but, I mean, that seems like it would help a lot of the population control problems. It's like kind of an intelligent thing of them. If they did create it to kill old people and to make young people infertile with the vaccine, I'm like, you know, maybe. That wouldn't bum me out at all if I found out I was infertile. I wouldn't care, really.

Yeah, because I don't think, I mean, you wouldn't care? It's morally wrong 100% to, like, deprive of somebody of that or deprive, whatever. Yeah. But I don't know the difference between depraved and deprived. So I don't have the right to have it. On purpose, on purpose, if you found out, oh, the vaccine made you infertile, that was the plan.

It wouldn't, you wouldn't bother you. I would be annoyed if I was like, oh, man, like I took the vaccine. I thought I was doing the right thing. And he made me infertile. That's not cool. I'd be upset. It'd bother you that much. Like, oh, man.

Like, oh, man, they don't have chocolate chip. My favorite flavor. That's how mad you would get if you found out the government. government made you infertile? Yeah, you just accepted. Oh, darn. What do you want me to do? Lead the charge?

Someone else is going to get mad and try to, like, start the whole movement against the government, government. None of it shouldn't have to be it. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, yeah. If the guy leading the charge can't even pronounce it. Guys, we need to get rid of the gunner vent. What? Come on.

Come on. Let's just go. Let's get the ball. rolling. Yeah. Yeah, that's why. Somebody was trying to get me to it's so funny the flat earth thing because like, it's obviously so stupid to think that the earth is flat. But then when people ask you to defend it, it's like, you're like, ah, man, I don't know. You're like, you're like, why would they

lie about it? Yeah, that's always the, that's the reason I don't think it is. That's my favorite fucking one though, because it's like, it doesn't really hurt anybody. But yeah, but it's also like at any conspiracy, if you, if someone's trying to get you to believe it and you decide, you're like, all right, I believe you're going to do more research than them so you have more points but then you're just like i believe you like you tell me like the government is everyone that's ever been the president is also a lizard yeah i'm like okay after that they're going to be like if you believe me then we have to like go to this meeting we have to like go to the try to kill the president whatever if someone's trying to

convince you the earth is flat and you're like okay believe you they're like okay okay like yeah what else are we going to do now yeah are we going to make it round yeah there's like no call to there. It doesn't matter at all. It was round. The government flattened it and we're going to make it around again. You know it's so funny. Make the world round again? I want to get a hat. In this podcast, we've said the phrase's child pornography, kill the president

and vaccine causing infertization. Like, it was all the joking context that obviously we did not mean. But it's like if it's like it's so funny that like any algorithm thing would be like, yeah, we're going to go ahead and make sure nobody uses.

Make the earth round again. Yeah, make the world. I like that. Make it round again. Yeah, but it's like when you're in a plane, it does look flat. Yeah, because you're not in space. No, no, I'm not.

I'm not on board with it. But it's like, it's like, you're not even like in the grand scheme of things. You're not even that far away from the planet when you're in a plane. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you are pretty low. But it's like, I mean, all the astronauts have to be lying. It'd be very complicated to get everybody on board with that. We've been to outer space.

Like to what end even? Yeah. It's just like everyone is on board and in on this thing. and it's just like, which is why, just to lie about it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just no fucking point. Just tell everybody it's fucking round. That was the best.

It was some, it was funny. I think it was like Eddie Bravo or some dumb ass like that. He was talking, he's like, see, if they think, if you think the Earl is round. Earulf. Earl. That's an accent from nowhere, dude. Yeah, yeah. He's like, if the Earth is, what do you think about that, Earl?

If they think the Earth is round, they can keep you, you know, you know, it's a better way to control people. I was like, how? That makes no fucking sense. Nobody is like, you know what I mean? It's like, it doesn't. It's like, it's easier to control people if they think they're living on a fall. I was like, do you think we're going to fall off or something?

Like, what are you talking about? When I was a good, I used thinking you could dig to China. Yeah, me too. And I tried it a couple times. Yeah. And now I'm like, no, thank you. I'm going to stay right here in America. I love the idea of a Chinese guy just coming out of the ground, like confused at, like a sandbox

or like a local elementary school. He just gets sucked through it. Yeah. You just see like a flip-flop. And you pull them out and you're like, yeah. I remember doing that. Like my friends and I tried to dig to China. And we started like in a sandbox.

Like not even in the dirt. Yeah. And then you reach dirt and you're like, I think we're getting close. You dig for like two minutes. And you're like just chat, look and see if you can see. Yeah. Can you smell it? Can you smell MSG?

Yeah. Yeah. We're about to wrap up though. What do you guys want to promote? I don't got a shit dog T.J. Francis' podcast, I guess. Sorry. I'm beeping that out. You not promote other fucking podcasts on here.

Listen to every episode of Morning Good that I've ever been on. Go in the back catalog and listen to my shit. Come to my show. Go to Artin's one-man show. He's got a one-man show off-off Broadway. What are you talking about? Arden X. Me, myself, and Y.

It's him talking to me, was therapist. He plays both characters. I thought it was where he describes seven hours long. A therapist? I was never. Therapist? We had to write plays in college one time. That was just so fucking, oh. Oh, yeah.

Reading like a bad play written by someone who's like a young person? Dude, a 19 year old, Jesus Christ. Worst. You'd rather get murdered in guitar. I didn't have to read a fucking play. What if I was a lamp in the room where my parents got divorced? I don't care.

I wrote a play in college once and it got picked out of the class to be actually performed. Really? Yeah. What was it about? It was about a guy who lies about getting raped and then he actually gets raped.

Wait, really? Yeah, swear to God. It's in the guardian. The man who cried rape. What guy is lying about getting? Yeah, like, I don't know why guy. It's the most hard thing to come forward about and then to be like,

he does it to try to get close to a girl. What girl is like, I want to fuck this guy. Listen, they liked it enough to have real actors play in a theater. Really? I'm not making this up. It's an article on The Guardian. I'm in the article.

My friend, Sarah and I in high school were in like a play in screenwriting class. And we all, there's like a competition to write one act play. And if like three of the plays in the class got chosen to be like produced in like a one night show. And I wrote one to submit. and it was fucking so bad. It was essentially like an episode of like the Larry Sanders show. It was like about like a late night TV show. Oh yeah.

And it just sucks. And Sarah, my friend Sarah, she got, hers got chosen. It was pretty good. That is good. Real quick, Arden, I'm just very confused. So this guy lied about getting raped to get pussy. What happened? Can you explain that a little bit?

Can you explain your play real quick? I wrote it like fucking three years ago, dude. Yeah. Everything I writes about rape. What the guy's name is like R. Tran. There's something that's slightly too, Brandon, yours. I start the play by this. This is not about me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, so just walking through a little bit. So he lies about getting assaulted by who? I wrote it and I wanted to make it like way more retarded. Yeah. But the person I co-wrote it with was like, no, we can't add zombies to this. I really wanted to make it like retarded. Do you see the rape scene in it? No, I don't think so.

Can you imagine watching that in a play? Just somebody brutally screaming for help in like a thing. theater. You're like, this is so uncomfortable. Because a scene in a movie is horrific, but like, imagine just hearing a man yell for help in a theater. That's got to be really uncomfortable. It was a weird class in college. The only reason I took it is because

a friend of mine was taking it. Yeah. And I was like, fuck it, I'll do it. And then they liked what I wrote. Yeah. You still haven't That's me. Can I see? Take center stage. It's where to God. Seeing rape, sexual assault takes center

stage in new production. Wow. I've been on fucking... It's really not the time for a catchy headline. Yeah, it's also weird to say T-Rap Take Stent. It sounds like somebody got raped on stage. It doesn't sound.

In my playing, then. But I remember... Who did they lie about getting raped by? How do you not remember this? You wrote a whole entire play. I totally remember. I just, it's fucking,

you get embarrassed about the shit you wrote when you were like in your early 20s. I don't want to talk about it. It's whack. Okay. Yeah. I wanted it to be...

I wanted it to be... Yeah. I guess. No, I wanted it to be like... Let me just say. I'm just settle the score. right now. The beef here is that I think Arden is a genius and he doesn't believe in himself.

That's why we're beefing. All right. Well, thanks for coming on. What a way. Thanks for coming on. Peace.