Morning Good - Cool Guy with a Gun - Episode 254

Episode Date: January 26, 2025

Joe Gorman and Romy Rosner return to the show for today's episode. They talk about getting Tetanus as an adult, Michael's close call with a Rhode Island heckler, and giving back adopted children.Thanks to Joe and Romy for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes and hit their links down below for even more. Romy is on Instagram @romyrosnercomedy. Joe is on Instagram @joewgorman and hosts the Super Selli Joe's podcast.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. So wait.

So you like big girls? And black girls? Welcome to morning. You sound great. We're here with Romney Rosner. Romy. Romy. I said Romney, like Romney and Michelle, dude.

The same thing happened last time. It's okay. It's four letters. All right. And Joe Gorman. Okay, Michelle. And we were just talking about porn, we restarted.

It's okay. We're not going to say that word? What? We're not allowed to say that word? No, no, no, no, no. I just lost momentum of whatever lovely conversation we were having. He got overwhelmed. I did.

I was like, it's on now. Yeah. It's good time. But you're the same age as the middle of porn starts that's not fun for you. It takes me out of the element where it's like, oh, I'd have to be like their husband. I can't be the college boy they seduce. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because in my mind, I'm still 15 years old.

I kind of feel that. You have that where like you're like, you're doing like shit like, you know, oh, I'm fucking filling out my fucking tax form or like taking my fucking multivitamins. Like I know I'm like an old, like I look in the mirror. I'm like, that's an older person. Mentally like when at work, when they're yelling at me, like you need to do this. I'm like, damn, dude, I'm like a fucking kid. leave me alone. You know, I'm like, I'm just a little kid, dude.

What do you do? Why are you asking me about this? And then you have to remind yourself, fuck, I'm 40. I'm an adult. I have fucking adult shit I need to do. I suck. I swear on my life, every time I have sex, I'm like, this is statutory rape. I'm 16.

I was like, I'm mentally 16. Yeah, like three weeks ago I was playing with my dinosaurs and now I'm fucking fucking this person. What's going on? It's crazy. That's, yeah. That's like going to be my issue, so our new roommate's 22. And I think it's going to be a problem because.

because I'm going to be like getting fucked up with them and be like, dude, we're so young, man. Because like I'm 28, but like in my mind, I'm going to think I'm 22. I'm going to be like, dude, we got so much time in our lives. Before I moved in with my girlfriend, Kelly Taylor, I was like living in a apartment similar to this in Bushwick.

And like all of the guys that were like fresh out of college, they were like 22. Like I think like the oldest was like 26. Meanwhile, like I was 38. Yeah. You know, like there's like a big fucking age gap. But like they didn't know that because I was just. just smoking weed and fucking jerking off in my room.

Yeah, you could be really any age. Yeah, but then I realized like, oh shit, I'm like the weird older guy they live. Because everyone has like that weird older guy that moves in at one point. I'm just trying to get my life together. You literally look like the character that comes to life in a board game. You've got like the stash, the eyes that pop out, the hair. Oh my God, absolutely, yeah. I'm very much a character actor.

You know, I feel like I, and like even in my mind, I'm not like, I'm a main character. I feel like I'm a supporting character. You don't think you're the main character? No. Really? No. Who's the main character? Somebody else, some handsome person?

No. Oh, Joe. I'm just the guy. I'm just a guy. I do feel main character. I'm just a little kid. I feel like it's just because I'm 28 and most movie characters are like 28. I wish, dude.

Well, wait until you get to be my age and then you're just supporting cast. Yeah, yeah. Just like the weird old guy who's renting out a room with these 20-somethings. Did you ever hold court with them? You're like, this is how it is. No, never, dude. I tried not, I tried to minimize any conversation. The only thing I ever did one time was,

one of my roommates, his girlfriend, like she dropped up a glass and cut herself. And she was like, should I go to the hospital? And she showed me like this massive cat. Yes, go to the fucking hospital. You're going to need stitches. So much surety, that's retardation. She doesn't know.

Yeah, she was a stupid fucking kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, it was one of those things where I was like, damn, I guess they do acknowledge that I have like some level of. Yeah, you have the one they go to. Yeah. I'm weird about the hospital because I have like OCD. But like I also cut myself on rust all the time. You got you got a tetanus shot?

No, I haven't got any like 10. Ever? No, I got it like when I was like 10. It lasts 10 years. Yeah, I'm no longer. You're due. You're due. I know, but every time I look into it, it's like I'll start doing research and

like unless you had sex with a man in Africa, then you're not going to get that unless you like, it's like you have to be really rusty for you to get to, apparently like it's just like less common in America. I remember, dude, I remember the fear of the tetanus shot because everybody said, like, the needle was like... I know. But that's because you're, like, a little kid, so your perspective of things is all fucked up, too.

Yeah, I was, like, trying to find out if there was way out of the tetanus shot as a kid. I was like, this got a few way I could just, like, not get this thing. You just have to do that thing where, like, the doctor's like, all right, look at the fucking nurse, you know, and like, the nurse would, like, unbutton a couple of buttons on the glass.

And then it's like, hey, I penetrated you and you didn't even know it. That was fucking awesome, dude. We got to make that happen again, dude. Get rid of these male nurses. That was the worst. Like, you have a male nurse, and he pulls out his cock to distract you.

You ever do that? Yeah, yeah. And he's like, we'll have stickers, you'll forget about this. Yeah, here's a sticker. It's like, put one over my eye. And it's like the lollipop or me.

Let's get going. I remember, yeah, as a kid, it's so funny too, because like, as a kid, I would get, I would tell my mom, I'd be like, make sure it's not like a dude,

doctor. I'm not like trying to do any gay shit. It's like, I would literally tell her. Yeah. it would be a dude sometimes. I was like, are my request just not going through? Which there's no way she asked them.

She's like, hey, can you have a chick doctor? You're looking his penis? Yeah. Because I was so worried. I was like, dude, what if I get hard? What if I'm gay? Yeah. I was like, yeah.

But then like, it's like, damn, dude. I remember like when I was like a 13 or maybe 14, I got like a really bad case of jock it. And like I had to go fucking have like a doctor fondle my balls. Just to be like, yeah, you need to fucking dry off when you get out of the shower. Is that like Mercer? A little bit. It's just like when your balls itch uncontrollably

And it's like just from like I get like jog like again if I sweat I don't shower like I do get like Red dots but then that's what's I don't have SDDs it's from that yeah it's from that Yeah but I still Yeah I still I still like Because I'll get blood tested and I just always

Look away still when I get blood tested Oh yeah you always have to I mean I still do that shit I still don't like it just it feels And like it doesn't even like hurt that much But like you just like I got one recently It's not too too too bad No, just psychologically. This is how fucking lame I am.

I always say, is it over? Like a five-year-old. She's like, open your eyes, dummy. You don't have the nurse being like, we're almost done. That's what they always- Walking out with my eyes closed to the lobby. I'm like, is it done? You're pulling the curtains down?

Yeah, I get fucking, I don't know, I hate it. But yeah, I went a couple weeks ago. I just got sick from like, we didn't have heat in our apartment. I just got sick from that. Yeah. That sucks, dude. Yeah. It's not.

Imagine that, dude, fucking just like. just like getting sick from a drafty apartment in New York. That feels like something from like the 1920s, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it also shows you how much of a pussy you are. Like, yeah, it's not like it was you. It was me, it was me. It was me. My body got sick.

It's amazing how many people are on the planet and like don't die every day. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. A lot of people do, but it's like a lot of people do die, but we don't even think about it. Or really care. Like it's like. They're never important.

How many people? I think I genuinely would care if like there's like 10 people. in the world that I would like genuinely be like, fuck. Yeah, that's literally the truth. Who's number one? Like who would... Mom. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm talking about like people, like the news, like people we don't know. Oh, like celebrity? I don't give a fuck, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I mean, like, people I know. I don't care about like, uh, maybe weird owl. I guess weird owl, maybe. Yeah, because it's such a fake thing. It's like, okay, like, if somebody told me a harrowing story about how they lost their son in a school shooting, I would be like, that's really...

I would probably cry because if they have told an emotional Webbe, like, this is sad, and I would care in that sense. Or if somebody's like, this bill would stop kids from getting shot in the face, I'd be like, yes, I care about that. But when I hear of a tragedy, I don't actually just go, like, I don't really care.

Like, nobody really cares. You know what I mean? Like, it sucks that this happened, and, like, I care in that sense. But it's not like it's really like affecting me to the degree. And, like, we also don't want to repel the Second Amendment, which is our freedom. Yeah. I don't want to fucking... Like, yeah, it sucks, but at the same time, like, I don't want you to

take my fucking guns, dude. Yeah, it's not a tragedy. If I fucking pull the trigger. What do you got? What do you got? You got a... I got an AR-15, baby. Yeah, yeah. In New York. Bad guy with a gun is a cool guy with a gun, right?

I also bring it to a... Every once in a while, if I'm on a show, I'll bring it just in case. Yeah, just in case. You never know, dude. What if there's a black guy in the audience? You got to be prepared. You got to be safe. Yeah. You got to be safe. Just on stage pointing an AR-15. Yeah, yeah. What's your deal? Where are you from?

You two together? You know, security, you guys check this guy? Yeah, dating's weird. So my mom did this thing. Yeah. I had a guy trying to fight me at a show over the weekend. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Where was this? Providence.

Oh, Rhode Island. Yeah, yeah. Nauty, naughty. Yeah, it was a great. Like, the show was really fun. And then this, like, Super Hood dude started going like, um... Yo, man, what up, foo!

This is exactly what he said, yeah. Was he black? He was black, yeah. Open and shut case. And by the way... The reason I would say he's hood is because he said I am from the hood. Did he say I'm from the hood or I be from the hood? He said, I is from the hood.

Nice, dude. Beautiful language. Beautiful culture. So what happened was... Did you gently remind him that Donald Trump is back in the office and you can't talk to me like that anymore, boy? That's what's happening, dude. TikTok, sweetheart. It's fucking chill, dude.

We're back. Dude, we are so... It's very cool to be back as a white guy. So how'd you fucking treat it? Did you give him the Derek Chauvin treatment? That's exactly what I did. Oh, Michael, very good. What happened was,

I love what he does this podcast because he's so good at putting me in positions where I have no idea how to respond. I feel like I'm watching tennis. 40 love. Okay, gay, no, I don't know. But the dude is like, he's like, yo, don't be talking about gay shit

when there's women in the room. Which is a really funny thing to say Because I'm like Can I talk about gay shit When it's just the boys? Like what is the discussion here? Not from the lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's such a funny mentality You're just like not in front of women. A bitch from Providence. She's probably like got a needle in her arm At the show. Yeah, it's so funny too Because it's like, it's like I I come on women's faces.

Of course. So like to think that I'm like, no bad Like that's such a dumb mentality Be like I'm gonna fuck a woman but I can't say bad words in front of her. It's like, what is this? you're insane. What's the difference?

Yeah, it's insane. But we, I was like, shut the fuck up. And then the show went great. Like, it was just a great show. All audiences on my side, they're like, yeah, yeah. Fuck that black guy. So this was, he was heckling you during the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, and I engaged, like, way too much. You should have been like animal control? That's, yeah, I should have, I should have said that. Hey, man, hindsight's 20-20. Don't even worry about it, man. What's done is done. I should have.

Yeah, because they're always, on deck at a comedy show. Always, dude. Yeah, there's always... That's why you gotta bring your gun, dude. What if a black guy tries to talk to you? Yikes! Scary! It's, look, it's scary, but it's the world we live in. Not much longer, but yeah.

Just be a realist. Yeah, what are you gonna be agoraphobic? You gotta leave out. But what fucking happened was like he, after the show, I'm like standing by the door and he's like, where the fuck is he? He's like, where the fuck is that guy? It's my nightmare. Yeah, I can just hear him, and I'm like,

oh God, all right, well, he's gonna find me eventually. And then he walks up I introduced myself because I was like he's gonna eventually see him.

He goes, he goes, that guy has no idea who he's fucking with. He has no idea where I'm from. He goes the second he walks outside,

he's got trouble coming to him. And then I was like, I'm over here. And then he's just like, you never tell another man to shut up, which is such a weird. This guy with his rules. He's just making up things.

Yeah, I was like, what do you mean? You never tell a man to shut up? It's like, in war, can you tell him? That is a man

who is constantly told to shut the fuck. Yeah. Clearly. Well, it was totally what happened was his wife was at the show, and I'm sure he was, like, embarrassed. I told him to shut the fuck up for his wife. Right.

He's like, now I got to beat her extra hard to reestablish my dominance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a knuckle sandwich in Providence. That's a hilarious thing to say when beating your wife. Knuckle sandwich. It's a time for a knuckle sandwich. Don't worry, babe. I made dinner.

But, fuck it. I kind of, I totally bitched out because he was like, I was like, what I was like, I was like, I got to do. my job. I'm just trying to do my job. I'm not going to be a dick. I'm just trying to do my job. And they put his hand out and I shook it. And immediately I was like, oh, I'm going to rent that forever. Because I just felt like such a... It feels dirty, huh? Yeah, well, I was... You got to wash your hand, dude. That's... I would not have done that in the future. I would have done, like, you want a fist

bump like they do in the hood? That would have been the funniest response. It's crazy. You dapped him up. Yeah. Do the thing we're just like, you could touch my elbow, right? I just wash my hands. I'm sorry. I just watched my hand. But, yeah, no, you... It's scary.

It's very scary when a black guy comes up to you. It's terrifying. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, honestly. But you survived. You made it through. I made it through.

I shook his hand. And then he left. And then he comes back in. And I was like, what the fuck? That guy was crazy. And then he was like, heard you all talking about me. And I was like, fuck.

He's like, you guys, if somebody's talking about you? you that means you did something right, which is just another this guy's statements are out of control like none of them make any sense. It's something right. People are talking about it's like no if you... No one was talking. That's like there's no such thing as bad publicity.

Yeah, it's like yes there is. That's true. Yeah. But then yeah, then I went home, but I was just like, it was like, not that I was ever going to fight the guy, but there's just this moment in my head where I was like, do I have enough integrity to not like to stand up for myself?

And the answer is no. I mean, like, also don't want to, like a black guy in Rhode Island, they have nothing to lose. I don't, first of up, I'm going to say this, I don't understand, I don't know what the stereotypes of Rhode Island are. I hear good things, I hear bad things, I hear it's nice. White people are wonderful. White people in Rhode Island,

they love fucking crab, lobster, they have, they all own a boat. Freshwater swims. Yeah, the black people. In Rhode Island specifically. Yeah. The Rhode Island blacks, you got to be careful. The RIVs. Yeah. The RIVs.

Watch out. The RIP. RIP if you see R-I-B Yeah, dude Yeah, I don't know if it's like a nice place or not I don't know, it's... I mean, it's like any other, like, you know, well, it's because it's so small.

It's like Boston. It depends where you go. You can go to nice Boston or bad Boston. Yeah, that's true, yeah. And like a lot... It's like the nice parts of Rhode Island are very nice and then like the bad parts are like, oof, very bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like, it depends on where you were in Rhode Island. But Rhode Island... And everybody's like this guy had like one drink. Isn't he had one drink? Yeah. He was probably like a little unhinged. yeah yeah totally well it was like uh i don't know sometimes you just engage too much but then i had such an

opposite day the next day i went to uh norwalk connectica you've been there no never not a lot going on besides just an aquarium i was like i was like what i'm gonna do is i i i keep thinking i have like a fun idea and it's being like the sadst day of my life road gigs are usually very sad yeah it's like unless you're with one friend one other person yeah oh thank god yeah like that's why like if i if i go on like uh road gig it's usually with kelly yeah so at least like we can like okay well we can like kind of roll this into like a, like a go away date kind of stuff and we'll go to like a nice restaurant. Yeah.

You get to fuck. Yeah. And it's like nice. It's better than, you know, if I was there by myself, it's like, fuck, what am I going to do? It's like, there's just like so much downtime before the show. And we get spoiled in New York where there's like a million fucking things to do. Yeah. And you go to like, you know, small town USA.

There's like a library. You know, that closes like five maybe. A movie theater with like two movies that you've already seen. Yeah. It was sold out. So when I was like, I'm going to smoke a bunch of pot. I'm going to go see, go to the aquarium. Yeah.

Sounds like a fun idea. I'm going through this breakup kind of thing where my ex has a new boyfriend. So it ends up being like the most depressing day of my life. I'm just looking at families and I'm like, I'm never going to have a family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought he met the family of fish. I was like, I was like, so? You can't breathe under water either, Michael.

I'm just looking at like a Chinese family. I'm like, that could have been me. That could have been us, too. Look at that. You're like in a down syndrome kid. He could have had one of those. You could have one of those. Good ahead of buddy.

You know, but like you always kind of feel like, oh, I missed that. I would, that could have been us. But then like you see like, you know, another family dealing with like a kid's temper tantrum. Yeah. And you're like, oh, I dodged a fucking bullet, dude. I could not handle that. That would have been funny if it was a family with a kid with Down syndrome. Yeah.

And the dad's just looking at me. He's like, God damn it. I wish I was high and alone. Yeah. I wish I was just fucking stoned as that guy over there. You think about how expensive children are. Yeah. They're so fucking expensive.

Yeah. And it's like you won't have any money for. whatever you want to do. Yeah. You can't even, this is why you can't have nice things, dude. Kids are a fucking money pit.

And what if they don't even, like, god damn, what if like I have a kid and it's like, oh, well, it's going to be worth it.

He's going to fucking get smart and he's going to be like the CEO of a company and he's going to take care of me and then you get me. And you just get like some fucking like, like yo, yo, yo,

what up dad? You know, like it's like I have an urban youth, dude. You know, like, because I'm fucking racist. So his way of rebelling is to embrace

black culture. sure and shit, dude. Well, this generation is doing opposities with their parents. Yeah, it always goes the other way. I know. You know? Yeah. Like, my mom is a CNN mom.

Right. Because you either have, like, a Fox News parent or a CNN parent. Right. I got a weird hybrid going on. Really? Yeah, my parents will flip back and forth. Really? Yeah.

My mom is, is hardcore CNN. Like, she loves Anderson Cooper. Yeah. You know, she takes everything they say it. I call him Anderson takes it in the pooper. Ooh, nice, dude. He's a little nepo baby. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, a Vanderbilt. Yeah, yeah. He's got big boy money. I know, big money. Big money. Like, why are you? Why do, if I was Anderson Cooper, I'd be getting a massage every two hours. Yeah.

And just abusing all of that money and power. I'd be diving into that pool of money like Scrooge McDuck. Yeah. That's like the only litmus of like, where I can comprehend true wealth. Like, I understand. I would like buy Oz Corp if I was in. Like, I just want to be Willem to Foe. The one for...

Yeah. No, the first one, it's all I want to be is Willemton Foe. You know that house that he has? Like, it's all, like, wooden and, like, I love that. With all those, like, masks and shit. Well, not that weird shit.

Not the mystical part, but just the money and power. Why do they kick him out again? Because he makes the fucking green goblin juice. And, like, they were, like, they were pivoting towards... They were buying him out because they didn't make enough progress on the suit that he ended up using

Which kills the guy. Yeah. Out am I? Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm not going to mention in this company? Yeah, I love that scene, dude. No, it's the greatest movie ever. Yeah, it's a fucking banger of a film.

It's a Thanksgiving movie. That's a good point. I love when that fucking blood drops. I love that shit. And he's like, what is that? He looks everywhere but up. Yeah. Blood drops from the sky and he looks out onto the terrace.

I like it when he's about to fucking take the turkey in me. He's like, no, we have to say grace. and you're all like sucking on his finger all gingerly. I love also that like randomly the Green Goblin suit makes him like sexist. Right. Because randomly he's just like, your mother's a whore like this lady too.

That's part of the Green Goblin juice. Because it makes you evil, but it's funny that it makes you evil in a specific way towards women. Does it make you evil or really fucking cool? Yeah. That movie fucking rules, dude. It's great.

I like it a lot. I like all three of the Toby McGuire ones. Yeah. Yeah, I even like when he's my favorite one is they start editing scenes from brothers with that. Oh, that's funny. There's one where, uh, he's like, please take this money. He's like, I don't need it. And then Edson brother, he's like, I don't need it.

Shut the fuck up, bitch. That was a fucking intense fucking roll for old T-bone McGuire. That was a nightmare of mine. This is how dumb I was. When Trump got elected the first time, I thought because I was young and my brother was flat-footed, that I was doing a ton of Adderall in college, I had this weird nightmare that I was going to go off to war. and my brother's flat-footed so he wasn't going to go to war and then he was going to start banging my girlfriend

and that was going to come back for more like What's the fucking problem? Like if anyone's going to bang your girl, I'd better be like fucking family. It's like, all right. Yeah, I would rather someone I know than like a randown. Yeah, it's like all right baby brother. You keep her warm for me.

And like make sure you don't stretch out her pussy too much. Well, he also looks like me. Technically that's better. It's all good, dude. It's like, hey, look, when I come back from killing all those Afghanistan children, I'm going to want to fucking banging. I'm very turn from Chad.

I want a little taste of baby brother in there. It would have been funny if he got up before he's like, you know, dude, can you just like, can we just double deem? Like, he's like, can we just give a, get seconds? It's all good, dude. Yeah, he's so chill about it. It's like, yeah. I think like the funniest part of the movie is like, oh, you fucking do it.

It's like, yeah, but like a woman isn't a prize, dude. Yeah. It's all good. Yeah, yeah. It's like, dude, just get out get a new bitch. You got this one, find another. They'd have been funny if he found out what's going on. And then he's like, this is actually my wife.

It's just an Afghani woman. Yeah, I mean, isn't that the whole point? It brings back a war bride? She's like, fucking 14. He's like trying to make her jealous. He's like, well, I met her overseas. He flat-footed his way to 15 fucking wives. Pam, dude.

I remember my grandfather was like losing his fucking mind because I was flat-footed. Wait, was he the Japanese one? No, no. My grandmother was Japanese. My grandfather was American. He was an American GI. What's up with your blue eyes? Oh, my dad's side of the family is, like, Irish.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you were saying the flat-footed thing was that thing. It was like, he was like, he was not going to be able to serve. He's not going to be able to serve. Like, I don't want to fucking, I don't want to fucking, I'm killing somebody because I want to kill one, not because Uncle Sam's telling me to pull the truck. You know, if I came back, I would definitely come back, like, different, like,

you know, one of those guys that, like, just, I couldn't, like, leave it in the battlefield. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever watched that movie Warrior? No, what's about? It's like Tom, it's like, it's another fucking, damn, like the amount of movies about like brothers and like in the army. So Warrior is, Tom Hardy was like a deserter from the military, but you find out like he only deserted because he saved a bunch of people, but then he didn't want to like kill more people. But he came back all like shell shocked.

So he gets into like MMA. And his brother's also doing MMA to support the family. And then like, of course they're in a tournament and they end up having to fight each other. Oh, it sounds awesome. And it's very powerful. I think you'd actually really like it. That's the recommendation of the Michael Good podcast. Warriors?

Warrior. Warrior, okay. Single. It also has the guy who played Uncle Owen in Star Wars episode three, Revenge of the Sith. I love who you know that, but not the name. I don't know the name, but I just remember that. Oh, it's Uncle Owen. Yeah, yeah.

Young-ass Uncle Owen. He only had like three lines in the movie, but it was very powerful. You ever watched Star Wars? Yeah, I never, I don't like world building. I don't like... Ooh, I like that about you. I think it's actually kind of lazy. Not necessarily Star Wars, but, dude,

just, like, building an entire culture and shit. Dude, it's like, it's like, I say this about Harry Potter. It's like, they're like, then the doogly bops and the bitchoos. And I'm like, you kind of just keep making up things. I fucking love Harry Potter. I just, I love J.K. Rawling. We know you do. We know you do.

That's where I draw the line. Yeah, you're like, transphobia is. I'm all about transphob. Well, there's only two genders now. That's right. That was hilarious. That was so funny.

Yeah. The whole analogy is. Have sex with me before it's too late. Before it's gay. Have sex with me before you're fucking gay. That's tight, dude.

Yeah. Well, he also, to be fair, he didn't say no transgender. He said, no, he's just like, there's no in between. You're either a very fucking hot man or a disgusting looking woman. He's like, you got a dick and you want tits?

You're a chick with tits. Yeah. He never, I don't think he's ever denied transgenderism. No, I think he's just saying like, you know, it's like you got to go what's on your purse or take. That's my favorite video. He's seen that one with his black guy. It's like an old black man. He shows up to like a protest.

Like, how many genders are there? He's like, I don't know, man, I just got here. It's just the best response. Which is like, I don't know. I think it's like, we're going to, you know, it's like every fucking election, like you swing the other way, you know. Yeah, yeah. We're a little more liberal and then we get a little more conservative. And like, eventually, like, we're going to find ourselves.

in the middle when we just get so apathetic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kind of where I mean, I lean left, but I didn't vote. Yeah, you know, there's no need to vote. We're in New York, dude. There's no need to fucking vote. Thank you. Tell every feminist I go on a date with that. There's no fucking chill out. We're in fucking New York, dude. This shit's not going to change anything. I lived in

California before. Same fucking thing. And my entire, as soon as I turned 18, like, it was George Bush going up against, what was John Kerry? Yeah, John Kerry. They're like, this one really fucking matters.

This election really fucking matters. I'm like, all right. And then the next time, the next election, they were like, no, this one really fucking matters. Like, how often? When does it just not fucking matter? Like, every fucking election, it's like, this one is the most important one ever, and it's not. It never has been. That was my argument when people

asked why I wasn't elected voting. I was like, well, I voted the last one that was apparently the most important one. Yeah, yeah. But like, it's never, it's never, and then like, it's always like, oh, we also found like, you know, 17,000, uncounted ballots. Right. And it's like, look.

Yeah. It's like, he's had apparently a really funny joke. He was saying like, apparently Ziz has this new joke where he's like, we like really lost the election because obviously he's like a Democrat. He goes, he's like, we lost so bad that I'm kind of thinking it was stolen last time. He's like, how did we win last time and then lose this one if it wasn't? Well, it's like everyone just wanted the pandemic to end. Yeah, I'm just why.

I'm more of just an aliens guy. I'm so in on it. What about the drones, huh? You know what's weird? The drones just didn't. register for me. I'm like the drones are different. I think about them every day. All they're in Philly, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are they over there?

Oh, big time. They're over my house. Really? Dad's like, let's fucking shoot them. I'm like, we can't. But it's like, what the fuck? What do you look like? It's drones. They just look like a flying fucking thing. But some are like really big. Some are a little stationary. Some go by. It's like crazy. They're just, it's probably just like a Google Maps thing, honestly. Yeah, but why?

but that's what I thought. But then it's like, that takes not so long. This has been for months, weeks. They're probably getting like really good 4K footage or something. Something. I'm not worried. It'd be funny they're just watching women be. Like, it's like infrared.

They have like infrared. It's only houses of women under 32. My sister's 27. I'm 23. It's just watching us be. They're just whack it off. It's all good. Yeah, dude.

But the drones thing just does, I don't know, it doesn't register. I'm not worried about that shit. I'm not worried. I'm just super. curious. I mean, like, just given how, like, wildly inefficient our government is, like, it's going to take, like, decades before they're able to do anything about that. Oh, we'll never find

out. They're not going to tell us. It's fucking... Wouldn't that be chill if they did, though? Oh, it would be super chill. And I don't think Trump could keep a big old secret like that, so maybe he will. I bet this is the year we find out, like, there's, like, I mean, like, they've announced, like, there's aliens, aliens exist. But I think we're actually going to get to see some cool shit under the Trump administration

where he's like, we got this beautiful. He's kind of pussy about it, dude. Like, I think Rogan pressed him a little bit, and he's just like, interesting stuff, but you know, you know, it's... They may not tell him. He probably couldn't say it because he was trying to, like, secure the election. So he didn't want to do anything. But, like, now that he's in there and secure, I think it's fine.

I like also that Joe Biden preemptedly pardoned his entire family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. During the speech. Yeah. And then it's like, well, what the fuck is you're like, what does your fucking brother have? You know? I didn't know that at all. They're like, Jonathan Biden, I was like, who?

Yeah. It's like, it's like, damn, his whole family, it's like, everyone's like, that's some gangster type shit. Yeah. But it's like, it's like, it's all. It's like all fucking politicians are wildly corrupt. So we can't, we can't pretend like, oh, the one good politic. Like Joe Biden, Joe Biden doesn't even know what the fuck was going on during the inauguration. He might be the most moral politician just because he doesn't know what's happening.

He doesn't know anything. He's like innocent. He's not just looking around. Now he absolutely had sex with like children and shit though. Really? Who Biden? Yeah. You can tell like the way he was like smelling everyone's hair like when he kissed his granddaughter.

Oh yeah. Yeah. I don't like that. He was like we're a little too touchy-feely. But I feel like that's like all these like old people are always doing shit like that. greatest generation of like entitlement where it's like well I'm a you know it's like well but I'm that's a creepy guy

I'm like you gotta kiss your grandfather in the mouth with your tongue you're like what I watched Mindhunters did you ever watch that and you know how they talk about like the time before stranger danger like you used to just like hang out with your teachers and they'd like put their hand on your pants and shit you know what I mean and then you wouldn't say anything forever you couldn't

and then there were serial killers and they realized actually we should probably not have these bad people teaching the kids and stuff you know that's why I've always been like the whole attitude of like listen to adults. It's like, that's kind of how kids get molested. That's 100%.

And then like it was in like, I would say like late 80s, early 90s, it was, they really started like pressing like the idea of like, don't talk to strangers. You have to talk to a trusted official.

Like, but then like they were naming like, your teacher, your coach. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, I'm glad I never did the Boy Scouts,

dude. Thank you fucking Christ. Did it unscathed? Yeah, well, you weren't that hot. Yeah, no, I was.

Were you an Ugo kid? Yeah. He thinks so, yeah. Yeah, but... With your little belly hanging out. Yeah, but I think the difference, though, is like, I don't know, I was flexible, so it should show for something. I just don't want to go outside. Wait, wait, wait, let's backtrack there.

You were a flexible kid? Yeah, I was always just flound. Putting your head behind or your leg behind your head. Yeah, look, check this out. Oh, so you were asking for it. You wanted a thin man in the ass. Yeah, yeah. He was, you know what?

And that was, like, just a wildly undesirable. Yeah, yeah, they were putting it up. He's a slut. This guy's desperate. He's been used up. He's probably, yeah, no. I want that little coy boy boy. Yeah, I want

A little shy boy He's a shy He's an extrovert I don't want to Hey, I want to get this boy out of his shell Yeah, yeah, yeah I didn't like the idea of like camping I didn't like the idea of being out

I didn't like the idea of like not watching television I just wanted to watch TV and play video games And now here I am 30 years later And I just want to watch TV and play video games Dude, some things never change Yeah, well I would be sick if I was still like an outdoor God, can you imagine I'm like a fucking 40 year

Like I want to go camping Yeah I want to build a football fucking fire. Gay! That's gay! I don't want to do that. Yeah, well, the thing was, I remember, like,

there was lots of fun memories I had in Boy Scouts. Like what? Like, dude, one time we went to the Keys and... The Florida Keys? The Florida Keys. I mean, I live in Florida. Yeah. Learn something new about me every day.

Yeah. And there was these giant, there was a castle made out of styrofoam, and we just, like, had these wars on it. We went down this river one time, and we did this thing called that. We had the, like, pirate ships, where we jump up to those boats

and throw them off and kidnap people. It was like the most fun ever. Damn. And then, yeah, I mean, I assume it's the most fun unless you get like butt fuck. Now it's like... We raped manatees. It was crazy.

Now, didn't they change it? So now it's like just the scouts and it's boys and girls. Yeah, they were like, the campers aren't vulnerable as it is. Honestly, add little girls to the... I think like if you're going to explore your sexuality, you should at least be able to do it

in a controlled environment, like the scouts. Yeah. Like, if you're like, like, you probably like do like less gay, like, oh, we're all gonna fucking circle jerk. It's like, no, we're going to go fuck these women. Because you could.

Like, it's like the only reason. Where's that badge? Yeah. The fucking badge. It's like the 69. Touched badge. We'd always joke about the motorboating because there's a motorboating badge.

I got the motorboating badge. Nice. But I still don't, I still want to want to do it. That fucking knife, though. I wanted the fucking pocket knife. Yeah. Swiss Army knife?

You could just buy that. Yeah, I know. My grandfather eventually got me one. I'm like, there's no reason. And I immediately cut myself with it. Just to feel. And then your Japanese grandfather and fucking cut his hair!

You commit sepuka with it. You diso honor a family. Yeah, I should have gotten like a little Swiss Army katana. He actually got you a sashimi knife. He just told you it was like another shit. But like, but I remember it was like those things were like it would be fun

because we go on these adventures. But I also would be like, I want to be like, I want to go get chick full. Like part of me was like, or like I had like little girlfriends at the time so I'd be like, I remember like texting them in the woods and I was just like I just want to be with my girlfriend right now.

Right. Yeah. That's cool. I would have fucking screamed and clawed. Anything organized, no way. Like stuff like that. Did you have to do sports?

I did sports, but it wasn't like, I was still at home. Like, do you know what I mean? I can't have two adults telling me what to do I would have fucking. What sports did you? Are we all rebellious kids?

I was very rebellious kid. I hated sports. I never went to school. I never went to school. Oh, damn. I went to school. But I was like, I went to school, but I was like,

you can't make me do these extracurricular activities because I'm doing a curricular activity well. Yeah. So I didn't need extra curricular. Just let me like, let me just fucking watch cartoons. Let me watch the Disney afternoon after a fucking long-ass day of doing fractions.

Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah. I don't want to play fucking catch. I don't want to go outside. The most I did was I would go in my backyard and I would dig a hole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever do that?

Did you ever try to dig to China? That was a, oh, yeah, yeah. All the fucking time. You're halfway there with those eyes. I go like, yeah, dude, I get like this deep. I'm like, I got it. I got to be almost. You stick your arm and you're like, look.

Hero, you know. Dude, I would always hit like the, I'd hit the sandbox and then you'd be like, well, I guess this one doesn't go to chat. Like in my mind, I was like, I guess this. Once he got wet, I was like, this can't be it. Yeah. Gotta go elsewhere. Yeah. But I always thought I would like get there.

And I was like, I remember being like, okay, I better slow down. I might hit magma. I don't want to put anyone in danger. That shit's hot. Yeah, dude. Did you, okay, so you, okay, so you, were, how old are you now? 23.

23, okay. So you were like, in high school, you didn't try it or what we were saying? You kind of didn't go to school? No, I just like never went. Really? That's fucking tight. Did your parents get- Different then?

It was all on the internet when she was in high school, dude. Yeah, you're in high school during COVID? My last year. So I never had a, I didn't go to graduation or a prom. Nice. You know what? Neither did I. Well, because you just didn't go.

I was just too ugly. Oh, I would have gone, I would have skipped those too. I wanted the cool limousine. I did a bunch of cocaine at prom. That seems like a Florida prom to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a great time. Nice, dude.

I did go to prom, but who knows what happened to my date. It was like, one of those things where I was like, damn, I hope, like, where I'm going to date this growing up. No, it wasn't happening. And now it's, like, probably for the best because she has like three kids. Yeah, yeah. Fuck that. Yeah, yeah.

That would have been you. You'd have been a father right now. Yeah, I don't want to be a fucking father. Don't you tell people you're a father? Of course, dude. Wait, that's so funny. Everybody thinks you're a father. Yeah, dude.

I definitely don't. I never thought that. I don't like 10 people are like, he is like a kid, right? Yeah, I tell people it's like, I tell, you know, I'm always like I have banned. My kid asked me to fucking help him

with his math homework, but I was like, I can't, I gotta go do a set. You know, it's like, the idea of like abandoning a child to do comedy is fucking hilarious.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want people to do that. Well, yeah, that's why it's funny. Imagine like a non deadbeat doing it. You know, it's like, no, I fucking have a dog. That's all I need, dude.

Do you have a post about it? Yeah, I think I've made a couple posts about... I'm not trying to drag this guy, like, I won't say his name. But, like, I do know... What's his initials? I'll tell you after. But, like, it's not a secret. It's not, you know, but this guy...

Derek Dresher. No. I do know a guy who, like, literally, like, his girlfriend gave birth, and, like, he was at an open mic that night. Okay, that's fucking... And everybody was like, congratulations. Hey, can I go up early? And I was in the back, like, wait.

Like, wait? Like, can we just, like, let's just me, you know? Hey, can I go up in the first group? My girlfriend's... breaching right now. By the way, he was drinking heavy. That's so wild.

Father of the year. It's crazy. You know what? I would take the day off. Yeah. You know what? One night. Hey, can we actually

reschedule this mic? I want to go fucking witness the birth of my kid. Hey, the grind never sleep. It's like a mic too. Like that's like the funny as far. By the way, not even a good one.

Of course. Oh, no. This is a good ass mock. I can't miss this one. I'm sorry. You have seven minutes to this one. Cross your fucking legs, babe. I got to go fucking get my fucking three minutes in at this mic.

Dude, she must hate her husband. I'm sure the kid probably is going to hate their dad too. A lot of women have babies with men that they just shouldn't. They probably shouldn't, no. Because those are the guys who don't pull out. Well, yeah, but like the pull-out method is wildly effective. And nobody talks about that either.

What about pre-com, though? Precum won't get you pregnant. I heard it. No, that's an old wives tale. Anyone that says they got a woman, listen to old man, Gorman here. Any person that says they, They got a woman pregnant.

Anytime they say they got a woman pregnant, but they pulled out, they didn't pull out. The only time I got... There's always a guy who was like, I wore condom and I guess it broke. And I'm like, really? No, they didn't. Because, like, the only time I've gotten a woman pregnant was when I explicitly came inside of her when she asked me not to. Wait. No, she got an abortion.

It wasn't like we were like fucking... Wait, wait, wait, but she said, don't come with me and you came. I said, I don't. She's like, pull out. And I was like, I don't want to. She's like, all right. Have you heard about stealthing? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This seems a little rapy. No, it's not rapy. If she said, Dude, this was like 2003, dude. It just didn't exist. It was a fucking different landscape back then. She whispered it. She didn't say it lovely.

No, but she said you owe me 50 bucks. So I was like, all right, fine. Oh, so it was one of those like, you're fucking and then there's, I think there are situations where, like, you don't know if you're going to come or not. Yeah. Now, during COVID, I was having, like, sex with this woman I met on Tinder. And, like, she was like, come inside of me, get me pregnant. And I was like, damn, okay.

and I came inside of her, but I don't think I got her pregnant. But she fucking, like, ghosted me after that. So maybe she got what she needed. Wouldn't that be fucking crazy? Like 15 years from now, like, spend the craziest two minutes.

I've had, there's a lot of bad. It's life, baby. You raped a woman. You also have a kid. I didn't rape a woman. I, at most, I got her pregnant against her will. That seems. I don't know.

I hope she doesn't find me. Seriously or not. I don't know. I don't know. Really, he's giving me a look. Uh-oh, watch out, dude. Well, you never came inside of a woman when she said not to? No.

Really? No. Oh, you're a better man than I, Gunga Den. Uh, what? No, I'm just trying to figure out. Yeah, yeah, try to land that plane. Yeah, try to land his plane. Oh, don't worry about it, dude.

Just let it, let it, let it, let it trip out. Let it happen, dude. Let it, like I said, let it happen. Let this happen. I don't know how to manage this. What? It's fine, dude. We're just goofing. I never know where the joke begins or anywhere.

Maybe it's not a joke. Maybe it's a confession on the Michael Good podcast. We're on CNN. Your mom watches. Anderson Cooper is like, Breaking footage, Joe Nutted and some bitch. That's exactly how he would say it. Hey, what happened?

You know, what happened? It's the Vanderbilt wit. What? He's a Vanderbilt. Oh, yeah, yeah. I feel like I had something really important to say. And then you just got distracted with my rape story. I did.

Actually, me too. We all got distracted. We all got a little distracted. I didn't know if it was, I don't know. We'll never find out because the live journal where I confessed it all has been deleted. He's got one of those diaries that's invisible ink for you. It's the princess ones.

They throw it on a fire and all of a sudden it reveals the text. It's natural treasure you put lemon juice on it. Well, yeah, there's always the person who, oh, no, this is what I was going to say. My brother is, I'm an uncle now, which has not been the house. Oh, well. Well, not yet, but like, oh, don't jinx. Does he have a wife or a girlfriend? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a wife.

But I thought about because my ex is going to this wedding, obviously, with a new boyfriend that I'm going to. I'm like, how funny it would be if I brought it. I'm like, can I borrow your baby and pretend like I have a kid? You should bring. You should have something to show. Was your ex is going to your brother's wedding? No, no, no, no, no. There's a wedding we're both going to.

Oh, no, don't go to that wedding, dude. You're just going to get, it's going to, it's a nightmare. It's like my best friend's wedding I have to go. Well, it doesn't seem like a best friend if he's inviting your ex. Well, she's best friends with my friend's fiance. Oh, man, that would have been the perfect relationship. You have to bring someone so hot. You should get the most beautiful prostitute.

You have to hire a prostitute. Like a really beautiful prostitute. I don't want to be the spiteful guy, but you have to get a beautiful. There's no, what are going to go alone? You can't go steady. You don't have to bring somebody. No, it's going to be sad because then she's going to see you like, oh, Michael, are you here by yourself? You have to win that.

Yeah, but if I had a kid and I'm like, this is my son actually, because the kid's going to look like me because it's my brother's son. Man, a little me, just like me. Yeah, I actually had somebody with something where I'm like, this is your thing. You got to bring a beautiful prostitute. One of those like, one of those like, you know, 15 grand a night prostitutes. You're going to have to spend the money. You have to spend big. What is it, seek arrangements or something?

Yeah, something like that. Can you get a bank loan for that? You honestly, do you need, I will lend you the money. Joe and I put up a go fund me. Just let me sit in the cuck chair in the hotel room. Yeah, if you let Joe and I both watch. Yeah. Oh, I would 100% let you watch me.

That would be very cool. That would be very cool to have sex. That's like one of my things. I don't think I might want to either have someone watch me or I'd watch. Nice. I think this is happening. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Are we doing this? No, no, you need to get like a Ukrainian ally, a Ukrainian fucking, like a really beautiful woman. Like six feet. Michael, you really should do this. How awesome. We should find a refugee who's like house has been destroyed. Yeah. Who doesn't have like scars. A refugee from fucking LA.

A Palisades' mom? Yeah. Like a soul cycle queen? Michael, you should really do this. Just all to make my ex-chelis. Why not? Well, is it, don't you mean, yeah. We're here for like a finite amount of time. This is true. On Earth or in this podcast?

Both. Which is more important? This podcast. Me too. Yeah, I think the baby idea is better. Maybe I'll do a baby and a prostitute. You just don't want to spend money. A baby and the baby's free and the prostitutes money.

This is a hard picture of my brother. Hey, can I take your baby to a wedding and get a prostitute? The prostitutes are breastfeeding the baby. I was going to say, dude, get the lactating prostitutes. Yeah, and by the way, they're discounted. Oh. Because if they just had a baby. Damn.

I fucking, hey, can you? I almost banged a pregnant chick once. Oh, nice. Tell me more. It was on field and I was like, I want to do most things once. Hell, yeah. She was on there and I was like, it was the best case in Arizona. She's pregnant.

She's like, I'm really horny. I'm pregnant. How many months? Third trimester? She had a lump. Ooh, she was showing probably second trimester then. Yeah, yeah. Damn boy, you crazy.

Yeah, I was like, was it a, was she pregnant with a boy or a girl? I don't know. Yeah, what did it feel like in there? Well, I didn't do it because what happened was. So it was one of those things where, like, it fell through. bummer. The baby? Yeah, the baby didn't come down.

She's like, sorry, the baby died. I'm like, I don't have sex anymore. Yeah, if you had a misguards. Can't meet T-O-N-I-T-E. Clearly it's a danger zone down there. I'm not interested in your vagina. That's cool. But she, no, what happened was she, what was it?

She was like, yeah, it was the best case in her because she literally just, I was like, who's the father? She's like, I did, I, whatever? some black guy. This is the same guy who heckled me at the show. He's from Rhode Island. Hey man, if you're talking about him, you know he did something right.

It was a, what's it called? Like a, she just got like random sperm donor. Oh, an in vitro fertilization. I was like, this is the best case to be a pregnant woman. Why is she on? What an interesting lady?

Yeah, if she's on like these fucking dating apps, she should just be like, look, I'm trying to get fucking pregnant. I'm looking for some guy to come inside of me. That's a really good point. Do you guys take the condoms when you're done hooking up with people? I don't use the condom. Clearly. No, I just like, just never used a condom before.

In your whole life? I've done it a couple of times only when like the woman insists. But did you take it with you when you left? I flush it down the toilet. I, I like, I don't take it with it. I'll be like, hey, where do you want me to do this? Are you worried that she's going to like fucking eat it like a gogurt afterwards? Animals?

Yeah. I used to tie them off because I was worried people were going to fucking dump them in there. What? She could always. used to just and cut it. No, totally. I guess my self-esteem was so law, I was like, no one's gonna steal my sperm.

If you want it, just fucking take it, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I like, I would fucking, what's it called? Like, I would tie it, but I used to have, like, a fear of it, but now I'm like, nobody's, I don't think of it. Tie it and then, like, shoot it like a rubber band just off the window. It's wall art. Yeah, be free.

Why do you ask, did somebody recently do that with you? Well, they took it with them, and I was like, my life fucking rules. I would never, like, take your, like, take your sperm. That's so weird. Probably because of, like, a whole, like, fucking conversation. But I was just, like, laughing. Like, I was like, in my head, I'm like, oh, my God, you psycho. Remember that, like, where, like, you know, Drake fucked some shit?

And then, like, he had to put, uh, hot sauce. And it's like, it'd be funny to put it back in your wallet. But, like, he's rich. Put it back in the, in the container. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's rich. Like, why would, nobody wants my fucking baby. Like, you want, like, a fucking literally.

Drake's sperm is, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's next level. Yeah. Well, it's also like, I think you need like The Faberjia egg.

Yeah, yeah. That was the funniest. I had a discussion with a woman one time. She's a friend. She's like, yeah, no women intentionally get pregnant by a guy. And like, that is not true. That's not true. Yeah, there's definitely.

They're fucking poking holes left and right. Oh, yeah, like NBA players. If you're like over 30 and you don't have a kid and you want one, those are like the women to be careful for. It's like these young women, it's like they don't want a fucking baby. They're young and beautiful. Right. But some old bitch, some worn out fucking 27 year old.

When the clock starts. Yeah. When father time comes a knocking. Watch out. I imagine he looks like you. Could you imagine that, dude? Yeah. You with a fucking like a Trident?

Yeah. Be like, it's time. I got like a flavor flave giant clock on my chest. Hell yeah. That's so funny. Damn. With like eight watches up your arm? Like a guy in the Diamond District?

I think you've had good Halloween costumes. I feel like you be a guy. Dressing up's got to be good for you. It should be. I don't celebrate. Halloween, though. What? Scary.

All those goblins and ghouls are walking around? No, thank you. You mean all Hallows Eve? Yeah. The witching hour? I think not. Yikes.

Ghost! You stay inside you. Yeah, it's too scary. Play video games all the time. Do you ever wear costumes? If Kelly does something, I'll do something. But otherwise, like, not really. You've never gone as anything.

But you have so much. I think the hair you could do so much. Yeah, you're like, ready to go. I'm too scary. It's too scary. But what if you did it just in your apartment? You did trick-or-treating. You did sage the place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, maybe I'll try. Maybe I'll try it. Kelly dresses up as different people that you're trigger-treating with. Yeah. I like to hand out candy, but then you have to ask the kids like,

what are you supposed to be? Yeah. That's scary. That's nice. Yeah. It's fun to hand out candy. Well, it is cool how New York does it where, like, you, like, stores you do Halloween at.

Yeah. It's so crazy to me. I was in Starbucks. I heard. these like towns are doing trunker street now. We're like... Yeah, this is crazy. Fucking dumb, dude. It's terrifying. It's like, all these

people open their trunks and kids just come to the trunk to their car and get can't. I'm like, dude, this is just like... That's so weird. It's so lame. It's so lame. And it's like, you know, like, like a Walmart or something. And they go like a trunk or treat. We were always told, like, if they invite you in for the candy, don't go in the house. Yeah. Like, that was a big thing. And like, yeah,

but like, it's also like... It's also, by the way, of course we went in. How distrustful are you of your fucking neighbors where it's like, okay, this guy's going to, I don't know, I feel like, like, Halloween is like that, you know, in the 90s they had that shit where it's like, oh, they might hide a razor blade in your fucking candy, and it's like that never fucking happened.

Yeah, no, no, no, yeah. It's like, just all these, like urban legends where it's like, nobody wants to kill your kid or rape your kid that badly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking Halloween. Your neighbor, your neighbor is going to fucking abduct and rape your child.

That guy's also been there the whole year. It's like, why would he wait to Halloween? Yeah, exactly. I like, no, I like these kids dressed up cute as hell. It's like, I'm going to fuck him. Oh, all right, Mike, this is your shot. I'm time to shoot your shot. Here we go.

Yeah, I'm only going to fuck him if he's dressed up like a ninja. That's the only time I want to have sex with the kid. If he dresses Darth Vader, then I'll fuck him. It awoke something to me. I didn't know until I saw him in this little Superman costume. Get out of town. How many do you think are in this building? There's a pedophile in this building?

In this building? Yeah. No, but on this block maybe. Yeah, yeah. Because I have the Citizen app and it does that thing where it's like a sex offender has registered within like 500 feet. of you. Oh, fuck.

And then you click on it. And it's like, to find out who it is, pay 15 bucks a month. That's so ridiculous. And it's like, get out of all the things. Yeah, yeah. Maybe this should be free. Like, a sex offender?

Yeah, yeah. But what kind? Like, do you just like take a piss in public and get busted? Right. I'm always afraid of that. Yeah, well, my thing is I'm always afraid of like, because like, there's a thing where like women,

I think a lot of women like the public sex thing. But I'm like, if you walk away, though, then I'm just a guy with a bone or in public. Versus like. Why would you still have a bone or in public? owner. Because I take erectile pills and they Oh, okay.

But it's like, if like that was happening, it's like the second that woman leaves, I'm just a naked guy with an erection in public. Right. You get completely naked when you have sex in public. Why don't you just like fucking, like, yeah, just like pull out your dick for your. That's a good point. I don't know.

I've had a couple. You get completely fucking naked. It's just completely fucking naked off like fifth avenue. There's some telephone pole with a scarf and like shoes. Damn, dude. You're like a late night cinemax movie. It is really funny. The idea of me in a bar.

Does she take older clothes up? I've never, I guess I've done it like, where have I had sex in public? I got blown in the closet of a nightclub and we got caught. Ooh, that's even hotter though. When I think of public, I think of outside, outside. Yeah. I don't know if I ever had, oh, no, you know what? I had sex on a dock like fucking four weeks ago.

Fucking on the dock of the bay. That's kind of cool. That's beautiful. Yeah. It was a sunsetting? No. Does it smell like sea salt? No, no.

It was it was in. Florida by a lake and it was like, it was like really nice because it was like, it was kind of like, you're like, this is so awesome. You're like, just to do it in public. You're kind of like, this is really fun. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what a great time.

I had sex in the alleyway in the tenderloin of San Francisco, which is the most disgusting, dirtiest drug-filled part of San Francisco where all the meth addicts hang out and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like, we're drunk. Yeah, yeah. It was like the Kensington? Pretty much, yeah. Yeah, really shitty part of town.

but she also lived in the area but we couldn't wait like two blocks. Yeah, yeah. Which is also fucking, there's also like that element of it. Sex in public is cool, but now I feel like that ship has sailed. What do you mean?

I can't have sex with my girlfriend in public. Why not? We're not that kind of couple. We're like what we call a regular couple. Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I guess that is kind of more stuff you do with a complete stranger. It has to be.

It's like, it's like where we're going to be like, okay, well, let's wrap this up because we've got to go see your fucking family on Sunday. you know yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it is sad how relationship sex becomes just less and lesser it's fun it's better you think so yeah because like it's a better more meaningful experience with the person yeah because like it's like oh now i'm like it's not just some like fucking rando like this is like the person i'm gonna like hopefully knock on wood spend the rest of my life with well i feel like my thing is i feel like when i was there's so much pressure because i was like we have a lease together and if my dick doesn't get hard

there is like that pressure but you have to like you know understand like it's not like an obligation. It's like something you get to do. You get to spend your life with this person. And you get to give them a rare gift that not only they get. Right. You know. Yeah.

Isn't that cool? I guess maybe I am not a little boy after all. Maybe I am a mature older man now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there anything that, like, you thought would be different about being older? Like, is there anything you thought? I thought I'd be like, I think one thing is, like, I thought like I'd understand shit more. Yeah.

And, like, what I realize is, like, nobody actually understands anything. And, like, everyone is just faking it. Like, nobody's like, I'm a fucking adult. Nobody walks around like, I'm a fucking adult. I'm a fucking adult man, and I'm going to do it all today. I feel like everyone always thinks like they're, like a kid. Like, I still watch cartoons, dude. Yeah, yeah.

All the fucking time. Yeah, I do too. But I also think, like, like, children cartoons. I watch Bluey. What's that? Really? No. But it was like...

It's literally a little kid's show. It's like cocoa melon. It's like literally for like two-year-olds. Yeah. I know what it is because I was at a restaurant I kid had an iPad on and I was like, what are you watching? I'm so jealous of iPad babies. No, they're fucked.

They're so fucked. They're all going to be autistic, I beg. I got, I got, I could have no attention span. One kid had like you porn going on his little fucking iPad. What? Jerking off at the rest, at the Applebee's. Yeah, yeah. That's really funny.

His parents are like, just let them put it. But like, that's the only way. It's like I'd take a fucking iPad kid over a fucking crying kid. Yeah, it's got to be tough as a parent When you're like, this thing will just shut my kid the fuck up But you know what? As long as it's like, okay, we're just going to do it in public. I guess like maybe at the dinner table,

maybe try to be like, let's try to be present. But it's hard, dude. I don't know how you don't hit your kid. Like, I'm not saying you got to smack him across the face. But like, how do you not just be like, dude, if I squeeze their arm a little harder than his... You're going to be a great uncle, Michael. I'm like, I'm not saying you fuck him up,

but I'm like, I don't know. It's like... My parents beat me and I think, like that's like the biggest reason I don't want to have kids. It's like it's time to stop the cycle. Yeah. You feel like you have to be your kids? My dad's never been,

but I just like spanked, like pulled by the ear and like things like that. Oh, that's old school. My dad would like pick me up by the shoulders and like throw me against the wall. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you know, they get help. Throw me down a flight of stairs. Dang. Yeah.

If I talk back. I'm not talking about that. I'm just talking about a little like, you know. Sometimes like if I talk back, he'd like put a penny over the stove and then put the penny on my tongue. What it tastes like? Fucking awful. It tastes like burn. Did you learn anything from that experience?

Yeah, dude. One time, like, I was, like, really acting up. I was mouthing off. He fucking tied up my arms and wrist. He tied me up to the pole. And then he tied, like, the other arms to, like, his four by four. And he just started, like, driving. And it fucking pulled me in half, dude. It fucking sucked, dude. Fucking sucked, dude. One time I brought back a report card and I had, like, bees and a C. And he fucking cut off my arms and legs. And he fucking threw me out in the woods. And he fucking threw me out in the woods and wolves just

fucking tore me apart, dude. Dude, have you ever seen a fucking your intestines get ripped out of your body and devoured by a wolf? It's fucking gay, dude. It was so fucking gay. Because I never did the Boy Scouts, I didn't have the fucking survival skills, dude. I didn't know how to fucking live.

I didn't have a fucking pocket knife to protect me. Nothing, dude. Life sucks. I'm sorry to hear that. It's all good. I got over it, dude. I'm a millennial dude. I'm a millennial. We can deal with this shit. We don't tell nobody. Yeah, your attendance came back, I guess.

Oh, dude, I fucking took a little vitamin B. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Took care of itself, slept it off. He took it to, like, an energy shot. Yeah. A little vitamin B supplements are good. Yeah, I had a similar childhood. Yeah.

Very similar. Nice, dude. Yeah. I got switched at birth. Damn, that's tight. Isn't that always cool? You were raised by, like, a black family. Yeah, I'm from Philly.

Yeah. Yikes, dude. Life's pretty chill, man. Yeah, I do want to, I do want to adopt a kid, I feel like. Really? From which place? You got to have a white kid. You've got to adopt a white kid.

What is that? I don't know. It's just nicer looking. Like, I would like to adopt a kid where it's not obvious that he's adopted. Right. And I definitely. You're most ambiguous-looking motherfucker ever. How are you going to do that?

I guess, like, have a fucking really cool. I don't know, maybe a test tube baby. One of those genetically modified kids. Is that a real? I don't know how one of the. thing. Oh, out of the time, dude. They can manipulate your genes. They're like, rich, gay

people kind of kind of, a little something, something. They say like, oh, your kid might be like a little more likely to have, like, they can adjust the genome now. They crack the genome. I think, yeah. Can I get it can I get a Down syndrome kid? Yeah. Easily.

Yeah, yeah. Dude, you don't even need to fucking. With your jeans? Yeah, it's got to be like, I remember we had like a, this is like talked about on the third episode of the podcast. I like doing full circle. I think we're at like 250 something. Thanks for listening. We had one where like with his teacher and he was like he was like yeah no I had like it was like a geometry class and he just a slideshow about his life. He's like yeah no I have a kid who has

Down syndrome is from the Ukraine and then he just keeps like showing pictures with like his retarded kid. He's like don't use the word retarded because my kid is down my kid is retarded. My kid is retarded. Yeah. And we're like why are he showing us the guy we were joking about this podcast is like showing a slide show he's like could you tell I could like he's like could you I couldn't tell when I bought him. Like, could you tell the... Oh, my God. Yeah, dude, it's a...

Oh, man. That'd be funny to return a kid when you find out of your car. Yeah, it's like you have like the 90-day return window. I know a family that returned one. What? Yeah, dude, they adopted a kid. I don't know from where, but they had it for like three years and they were like, we can't tell it and send it back to the agency.

Oh, my God. Because the kid had like issues. It was like fucking pulling out his hair. Dude, that's brutal. That's Delaware, baby. Didn't even want to pay for the therapy. That's so insane. No, no way.

that's way too expensive. Yeah, because you just kind of got to look at it. I mean, do you get to, like, is it like where you like dogs, where you kind of hang out with them a little bit first and you're like, that's an excellent question in an amazing bit. Are they like dogs? Can you play with them first? Tosh has, I just realized Tosh has a joke about that.

He's like, he's like, I don't know how to get orphans because like I never, I've never seen an orphanage. He's like what they should have is like the puppy pins. Yeah. Like outside Walmart where you can play with them for a little bit. Get the vibe check on this little kid. I know a bunch of kids that were adopted and they're all like really weird by the way.

I think it does. There's something, something. Well, it's like at their base, like they're like, oh, my biological parents didn't want me. Yeah, totally. They put me up for adoption. Now, I wouldn't, like, maybe like best case scenario,

God forbid something happens to your brother, you could just adopt your nephew. Yeah, and he'll look like me. Yeah. And it's like still in the family. Like, that's like the ideal situation to adopt like you adopt like a family member. kid.

Yeah. I wanted that, dude, I totally, my parents are like, if we ever die in a car crash, you get to stay with your cousins, because that's too, like, you know. And you wanted that bad. They could watch, like, R-rated movies and stuff. And I was like,

there was occasionally, I was like, fuck, I fucking hope they get them. Pull their brake lines. Yeah. Let's make it happen. Yeah, just like, oh, I so badly want to see fucking Gladiator. Just cut it.

Because they went on you see Gladiator. No, they were kind of like, I mean, until I got to a certain age, but I was like younger, they weren't like watch anything you want. My brother was one of those fucking pocies that would call them. They're watching The Matrix over here.

Can I watch it? I'm like, you idiot. You just don't know. Just fucking watch it. Damn, that sucks. Is you have an older brother or a little brother? Older brother did that? Yeah, I always loved.

Bad older brother move. Shame, shame, shame. No, I always learned from his mistakes. I was not like that. Yeah. But like, he shouldn't have, I mean, he should have learned from his own mistakes and like never done that again.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Sometimes there's a little bit of power in telling, you know what I'm saying. Yeah. But then it's like you can't do like this fun thing. But there's also power in getting away with shit. Oh, yeah.

Like when you don't tell your parents something, and they never find out. I still have never reached a high that I had from ditching every day. Yeah. It's so crazy. Did they not? My school was walking distance to my house.

But you didn't get, like, written up. They didn't write letters home. Oh, yeah, they did all that. Did you intercept the letters? What's that? Do you intercept the letters? The letters only come after the voicemails. And then I tried calling the school

as my mother saying, I want to change the number because they had my house number. And I wanted to change it to the old cell phone, but they wouldn't. I was like, look. Where'd you go ditch? I would just go home or my best friends also live the other way walking distance. She had a ping pong table in her backyard.

I got super good at ping pong. So you're just playing ping pong for like eight hours a day? So we were like walking. Did you do drugs? We would drink. Oh, okay. I'm like, I was really going to be disappointed. I was like, are you just ditching school to do nothing?

Yeah. But everything in my house is just like, like open. So it's like it wasn't even that big a deal. They like reverse psychology to me. Like it's like a lot of kids in high school, the liquor cabinet is locked. For me it was like fucking do what you want. So then it was so now for me it wasn't

a big a deal. But then I drank a lot. Nice. I think everyone drink. But like you're yeah. I feel like I like blacking out. Yeah, if there's like a time to get like Do you not drink anymore? Oh no I drink. Yeah. Hammered and black out like it's like when you're in like your teens and 20s like where it's like low stakes, you know? Yeah.

I just, I haven't stopped drinking. I've always drank. And how old are you? 28. You got over it, dude. Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. But the other night was kind of sad

because I went out drinking and we went to this hipster bar and just got, like, rejected by everybody and I lost a dance battle. I've lost, like, too many dance battles to not, like, start learning. Why are you getting into dance battles? Michael is.

Is this step up to the streets? What is this shit? Because I think I'm going to win them because, like, I'm a pretty decent dancer. And then... You're a pretty decent. What does that even mean? Do you, like, throw it down?

I throw it down, but I only have like four moves. What are your moves? I do like the thing where I just step in a bunch of places, but it looks like I'm doing stuff. I do like the... You got to see me in action. Do you do the macarena? No, but I should incorporate that.

You should, dude. Bring it back. Should I do the Elon Musk-Mockeran where I go like this? Now that Trump's in power, they might change the name. That's true. Hey, Mangarita. Hey, Mac. Hey, Maga. The Magarita.

The Magirina. Hey, maga. It's just like the Nazi salinas. Yeah. We're throwing the hats. That's really cool. The best part about Elon Musk doing the Nazi salute is now like autistic people are officially Nazis.

They're like, oh, he's just on the spectrum. And then all these like autistic people are like, hey, wait a minute, I'm not a Nazi. It's like, well, you are now, you're fucking Nazi. Watch out, dude. Well, that was a weird thing, by the way. By the time this comes out, it's going to be exhausted. It's old news.

Everyone's talked about it. But hey, this just happened for us. It was from yesterday's page. Yeah, yeah. It was yesterday. It was weird because it like, it looks like you could not get closer to doing a Nazi salute

without technically not doing it. Like, it's like, if he was in line with a Nazi march, they would not write him up for it. They'd be like, no, yeah, yeah. Right. Right. But I think he's also,

he's like just severely retarded and he just did something that, like, looks. He is fucking wildly and uncomfortably retarded. Yeah, so I think he just did something that, like, he thought was one thing. I don't know. And it's just because his parents owned a fuck. fucking blood diamond mind.

He's like, get it, dude. And now look, now we, like most royal people, he's like inbred and fucking retarded. Yeah, but he thinks he's cool, but he's not. Anyone who like, he's like,

oh, I'm a cool gamer. It's like, you're not a cool gamer. There's no such thing as a cool gamer. Oh, the fact he wears, like, leather jackets. I hate them.

Oh, man, he's just like, and like, he got like, good hair plugs. He went to, like, turkey to get, like, the good hair plugs. This is a lawn still? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, he's like invented cars without door handles? it's like fuck you. Yeah, like loser. He didn't even invent it. He just like fucking paid the guy who invented it. And he calls it like the Tesla. He's a fucking loser.

Somebody should shoot that young man in the fucking face. That'd be cool, dude. Not because he's fucking evil, but because he's autistic. That would be so funny to write to do like the thing that the Luigi and Gioni guy did,

but he's just fucking annoying. This guy's a fucking re-he. He lied about his Diablo four stats. Like fuck you. Nobody's that good, dude. But we're over an hour now. Yikes, dude. Time flies when you're having fun and falling in love. Oh, thank you.

Anything you guys want to promote? Go ahead. You can check out my podcast, Super Selly Joes that I do with Alex Thomas Sully. I'll also be on tour with my girlfriend, Kelly Taylor. So follow me on social media at Joe W. Gorman on all major platforms for upcoming dates. If you play PlayStation, add me on the PlayStation Network at Joe W. Gorman. and if you're an Xbox player, I understand, you can add me with my gamer tag, Joe Gorman.

I like him making fun of other autistic people. And my gamer. I didn't know half of those words. They're new to me. I'm going to keep it simple. Okay. Just my Instagram, Romy Rossner comedy. Yeah, see both them, if you ever,

they're fucking hilarious stand-up comedians. And I say that with no enthusiasm, but I do mean that you guys are very funny. Thank you for coming. I didn't rape a woman. You now are just saying it's a joke. Oh, wait, I just remember. I didn't rape a woman.

I should cut that part.