Morning Good - Cultivating Mass - Episode 252

Episode Date: January 12, 2025

Mike Akuna and Zach Braviette join the show for today's episode. They talk about being a disappointment, looking cool in the gym instead of working out, and getting terrible advice from Donnell RawlingsThanks to Mike and Zach for joining the show for the first time and also doing it while the heat is out in the apartment. Follow Zach on Instagram @zachunlimited and follow Mike Akuna if you can find him.  As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Oh, yeah. Welcome to morning. All right. We're here with Mike Okuna. Hello. And Zach Braviet. What's up?

Have I said your name wrong? What did you say? Braviette. Braviet. Brovia and whatever. Is this who gives a phone? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're good. It's fine.

You just let him know. It's cold as balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll let the know. Just hold up here on the microphone. All right. On the microphone itself. Don't forget whose podcast it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. For people that don't know, fucking my apartment, the heat, uh, it's non-existent. We got these, we got these letters for weeks where they're like, national grid's going to take your heat meter. And I'm like, throwing it away. You're not paying your bills.

Well, I was just like somebody's, taking care of this in this apartment. I guess it was really... I thought electrical and heat were like the same thing. Sure. So I just thought when I paid my electrical bill and then Patty left and moved out. And then I come out yesterday

and Jake's on the couch with like the most terrified look in the space. And he's like, dude, do you know what this means? I go, no, what's going on? He's like, dude, the heater's been taken out of our apartment. Like the meter, I guess, is like what allows them to give us gas and whatnot. and I was like, oh, that's why it's probably so cold in here.

So they went and took the meter out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they had, like, they had, like, a seizure, so, like, they, like, legally could, like, broken down the door. In my mind, I had, like, a vision of, like, a montage, like, the end of a gangster movie. Sure. I'm just on the couch, like, ripping galaxy gas. They just break it down.

I'm just like, no. So you just... So Patty... No, no, no, no. The bills. I guess so. Yeah. And I guess, but I guess what happened was...

So, like, this isn't, like, apparently, like, technically an apartment, I guess. It's like some weird thing. It's like a pharmacy, right? So it used to be a pharmacy. We don't know if it's technically an apartment anymore or I don't even know what that means. Sure. But I just nod my head when Jake says stuff. And I'm like, yeah, that's crazy.

It's crazy. I'm not technically living in an apartment. It's like a warehouse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I guess because, so because of that. Dude, I'm so fucking retarded you. Like the landlord who's like the acidic man who knocks the door. He's like, yes, National Grid said they're going to take away the meter.

I was like, okay, man, good to see you, we'll pay rent this month. And then I just never really registered to me that like, I thought because it wasn't technically like a building, I thought like the heater was like some weird thing that was like outside of, I don't know. But basically what's happening is on Saturday, which is so far away, they're putting in the heater, they're putting in a new one. We should have to make a new account because I guess we were on like some other account that they were like, you haven't paid in forever for this.

And I was like, oh, I don't know. So you will get heat on Saturday. On Saturday, but it's so far. That's far away. They were trying to do it next week, and it was so funny. I was like, please, I'm freezing here. I'm like, I'm getting sick. I'm going to die.

I have babies. I don't say the baby part of it. I will lie on customer service all the time. So how long has it been just today? It's been like two nights. But it was so funny too, because then I, the woman's like, okay, we moved it back. They can be there, you know, six days from now.

And I was like, no, I don't think you understand. I'm freezing to death. Like, I'm like, I'm sick, all this stuff. And she's like, we moved it to Saturday. I was like, okay, well, now I know you guys are lying to me. Because you moved it back three days. So clearly you can do it like today. Yeah.

If you really wanted to come out of today. Yeah. But they were like, did you get letters in the mail? I was like, I must have been lost. Your last name was good, not good, Steen? Yeah. You can wait. You can wait.

Don't you find it funny, though, that like you're at fault, but you're expecting premium service. Correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's completely insane. No, I've been in a single statement. They send you letters for me. Months for months.

But you're like, hey, come on. I'm like, this isn't my tax refund. This must not be for me. Similar thing happened to me where, like, when I was, like, homeless here, I was staying with a buddy that wasn't, like, he was squatting. He wasn't paying his,

he didn't pay his rent for, like, nine months. Jesus. So, like, they're trying to kick him out. Yeah, yeah. And then, uh, he, well, like, you just had demands. And like, you know, like, you can't have demands. You can't have demands.

Yeah, yeah. You are getting up a picture. I'm just going to check one thing. We're going to keep it going. All right. He's like, And then you lost a really expensive suit out of that, didn't you? I lost an $800 suit because of that guy.

Also, you and I are both sitting very gay right now. Have you noticed that? But I feel like I look like I should be sitting this way. Yeah, yeah. Mine at least is not up. Mine's flat. I feel like it doesn't look good when you do the up. I'm like, I feel like this is my vibe.

Yeah, I like this one. I like this is my new straight thing. That is kind of your vibe. This is my vibe. What's your new straight thing? Well, my new straight things, I actually just got blood drawn on my finger. So they draw it out of your feet Wait a lot

I like to donate No no they just did it to like run a I mean diabetic Yeah I don't know I mean they're they We'll talk about it later Oh dude I'm pre diabetic I gotta get in good sheep

I'm not oh I think you did tell me this That's scary I know I don't area stuff It's so I do Because I think if you was like a jacked guy Oh he's not he's not React

I think he was like a jacked There's another word for that Fat He's fat Yeah that Bro I'm strong No, he, okay, no offense, Michael, but last time I was here, you were like, he's like, yeah, I'm just trying to, like, get ripped. It's like, I've been working out.

I'm like, both of you guys just think, like, I feel like you guys have a, uh, you guys don't know what you look like. Yeah, no, to me, I look like a very muscular guy. He thinks he's muscular. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and he doesn't want to come to turns with what he looks like. I think of him as Jack. Yeah, I feel like that. You're both bad. You're not in shape.

Well, that's not. There's nothing. All right. Well, you're scrawny. I'm scrawny. I'm scrawny. Yeah. Everyone's fat to you.

That's not fair. You can't just be like, yeah. No, I'm exceptionally scrawny, but you guys are fat. And it's okay. I'm just broad.

I'm bulky. You're wide. Yeah. Yeah, but also you got like a very, you got like a very incredible's looking face. Like he looks kind of Pixary. Do you get what I'm saying?

Because he's a Viking. Is that what it is? You know your ancestors are rapists, right? Who's, yeah, but only the people that deserved it. Oh,

okay. Is that it worked? Yeah. We only raped losers. People who got conquered. What descendant of people? Who does it come from a line of rapists? Yeah, no, everybody does.

Uh, Jews. Nobody reads that. Oh, yeah. They're losing a lot. Yeah, they lose quite a bit. I mean, unless you're talking cousins, then they also can't. Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I don't know. But my straight guy I think I'm doing is, I mean, I think bandage in your hand just make you look tough. Doesn't this look tough? No. No. No. Because you have a Band-Aid, if you just had a cut on the outside of your finger and you showed the open wound to everyone, that's manly. That's tough. Oh, damn.

It looks clumsy. Like I got my finger. You got a booboo. You have a booboo. Damn it. Pinched your finger in the door. I thought it looks because I got my jacket on, my hoodie. And I'm like, yeah, I know.

No, blood. Blood. Lacerations. That's manly. Dude, there was a while there during COVID. I didn't have anything to do. so I was doing like woodworking, and I was trying to use this electric sander,

but I kept fucking up and, like, knicking my fingers. So all the outside of my fingers just had these, like, cuts, and they're like red and bloody, I got laid a lot. Manly, manly. Do you have calluses on the hands? Oh, I do. Yeah, yeah. Okay, that's manly.

That's very manly. You have calluses? They're weak, but they're there. I have no calluses. This is from, like, one specific lift I do with the gym when I do the shoulder shrugs. Yeah. And it just looks cool to, like, hold the largest weights you can carry.

And go. and then I'm like, if somebody's in the way, I'm like, because I'm like trying to put them away. I can barely put them away. And it's like, ah, I like such a pussy at the gym. Yeah, well, you know, I look like this at the gym. You're like, very shy. I try not to break a sweat when I'm at the gym.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is like the complete opposite of what you're doing to do. I try to look like, yeah, just look. I like a creep on it. Yeah, that is very funny. Like, everybody at the gym be like, yeah, you're lifting a lot of weight, but you're sweating doing it. So you're really not that strong because you're trying so hard.

I'm just there to look at the girls. I lift really lightweight. I just do high rabs, and I try not to look. I like, I like to look like I'm doing everything in proper form and not, like, overwhelmed. So you're going to the gym for other people at the gym. When you're at the gym, you're like, I want everyone else at the gym to think I look like I know what I'm doing.

I don't want to look, because I hate when somebody looks stupid at the gym. I'm like, how I don't look that stupid? Oh, that's me. I'm sure I'm going like, yeah! Like, I do, I do. I, do. I can't... Wait, do you actually make it sound?

100%. You are not the yelling guy in the gym. I'm yelling in the gym. I like to imagine you at Planet Fitness. Just going... You go to the blink here, right? Yeah, yeah. I used to go to this blink.

We have a planet fitness near us. They're loud as fuck over there. And it's... It honestly seems like a lot of fun. Yeah, well, being loud is one thing, but, you know what I can't stand? Some guy brought in his Bluetooth speaker the other day, and it literally was Bluetooth speaker,

the song in my ears. and the song at the blank. I'm like, there's three songs going on in my head right now. Also, and one day, I'm working to be strong enough. What's up? Like that guy, put in headphones. I know, but I'm working to be strong enough to stand up to that guy.

That was the whole, that was the motivation. I was like, one day I'll be strong enough to say how I feel. Should we guess the ethnicity of this man? Starts with the D ends in minikin. Yeah. I had a big, big black guy, another guy. They're like lifting weights, screaming the way you were, and then it's like, come on, King.

come on king and then after smacks his ass I'm like dude that seems like fun I would never do that I'm like yeah trying to look fucking

let me wait 10 minutes to make sure I don't break a sweat yeah well there is they're having so much fun they are dude well the one thing too is like there's a couple

YouTuber guys like in my gym so it's like always like black and Hispanic guys that are like I don't know they work in the same channel but they're like we're about to get this shit done

and then they're like fuck yeah and then they fucking it's funny that they're like these big top YouTuber guys for weightlifting, but they go to blink.

Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Feels like more of an Equinox kind of vibe. I don't think you could do that at Equinox. Or like a warehouse. I can think strong guys go to like a weird warehouse that like they don't tell pussy's about. Yeah, there's like a place where strong guys go to. Yeah. They have the highest weights that like don't exist

in other gyms. My cousin went to a gym like that because my cousin's like a strengthening coach. And the fucking gym he went to was literally like a warehouse with weights that you never see it like a regular gym. like a 125 pound dumbbell kind of thing. You know what I mean?

And it was called something crazy like, uh, metal overload or something. Yeah. You like openly dueroids. Yeah. Oh, that's awesome.

So like injecting themselves. This is a thing. I like going to the gym, but I hate going to the gym. Does that make sense? Like being at the gym, working out, that feels good.

But the act of like, the commute. Oh, I got to get dressed and, drag myself up there. Yeah, you know what I mean? I make a lie to myself.

I'm like, I need like a Red Bull exactly 30 minutes before so the caffeine will kick in. Like, I'm always very time managing. I'm like, I need exactly granola bar right before I walk in the door. Like I'm very, I mean, it's my OCD. You just only check the camera. There's no reason for me to check, make sure the camera's rolling. By the way, that's how you know we're having fun when I'm like, is the camera on?

Like, I'm having a good time. We got that, right? We got there. Did you check? Yeah, we should probably check it. Yeah, I check it more than I check the bills for the heat. I'm way more concerned about whether I mean literally we don't have heat

in this apartment but I'm like we got to get this podcast episode my priorities are this fucking podcast dude yeah when you text to me like we don't have heat do you want to reschedule is like no it's just fucking do it are you want an extra jacket? No I'll be all right

okay okay I had a my joints are very sensitive I got frostbite okay like 10 years ago okay some of the tips of my fingers and toes are just mad sensitive oh damn I got frostbite in my throat. I got an injury from

from galaxy gas. You wonder how... Oh, okay, that makes sense, though. Yeah, one of my friends, she, like, blasted me in the face with it, and you're supposed to do out of a balloon. For years, that was like... I'm going to ask you a real square question. What is galaxy gas? It's like, okay, so Whipits, you do, you put the little...

You know, Wippets? You know whatits look like? No. Well, check under probably the couch. There's probably a couple. It's probably a... It's like a fucking... It's like a little... Have you read nitrous oxide at the dentist? Like, Laf gas? Yes.

It's that, but it's in a little cartridge, and then you throw it into a big whipped cream canister, and then you do it out of that. You're supposed to do it in a balloon. It's safer. Galaxy gas is just a tank of it that you just sell. I mean, it is crazy. You literally can get, like, a giant thing of nitrous oxide, like this big,

and just use it like a vape. But you're supposed to, like, do it really slowly or else it, like, can freeze you because it's gas. And my friend, she fucking just blasted into my face and, like, it, like, got frostbite on my lip and in my throat. And now I'm, like, I'm, you know, only doing this out of a balloon. for now on. I mean, I haven't done it

in like two months, but yeah. So it hasn't been that long. This is a recent injury. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think I talked about it on the podcast because my dad listens. I mean, he knows I do drugs,

but I'm like, I'm like, your dad proud of you? Uh, I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so. Oh,

I don't even think remotely. I don't even think like a little bit. Not even like faking it at Christmas. I wish he would be proud of me for getting pussy. I don't know why. That's like, I think it's just like, no,

my son. You tell your dad when you get pussy? No, but he listens to the podcast, and he should be like, oh, it's so cool that you're getting pussy. And he's just like, no, he doesn't think it's cool at all. Yeah, that's a good dad. Also, oh, I didn't see it wasn't a good dad. She's not proud of me.

Your dad listens to your podcast. That's good. Not, he did tell me. He's like, not anymore. He's like, it got grosser and grocer and vulgar. That's still nice, though, that he, like, has a reason to not. Like, he wants to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you're just such a disappointment. Totally. Like, yeah. Like, if it wasn't you, he'd be listening to it. Totally. I can't. But what my whole family doesn't understand is this is all a slingshot into a career.

See, I'm winding it back by destroying my life with poor choices. But these are all stories. And then I launch into it. That's right. It's like, oh, it's sunny where Matt gets really fat. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm doing right now. He's cultivating mass. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then he does get really shredded. Oh, totally. Yeah, it's going to happen. It's going to happen for you, buddy. Yeah. Thanks. We hope so. But also,

I like, I could see the glimmer in everyone's eyes like, fuck, what if it doesn't happen? I'm gonna jump off a bridge. Anyway, next topic. Well, that was, I was about to go on stage last night and I was like so worried about bombing.

And I was just like, well, it's fine. I have like, and then that, like, girl I was into, like didn't text me back. I'm like, well, you know, I don't have that. But I'm like, well, I have, like, well, I have, like, before we're on stage, I'm trying to, like, write my life. Rationalize your life.

I'm like, people like me, right? It's getting so sad. I'm like, no, no, no, people, people, people think I'm fun. That's what, that's what really matters. This ended up going five, but it's just so funny. Like, everybody says, like, Gilbert Godfrey used to say this. It's, like, the 30 seconds before going on stage is, like, the most, it's like the worst time of my life. Because you're just, like, I'm so just like, fuck.

I don't get those comedians that, like, they're just, like, talking shit, like, just hanging, having a joint, and then they're, like, up. Well, that's actually better. I'd be better at that. The problem, I'm actually worse. How can you do that? Well, like, I don't really, it doesn't, like, for me, I have a good memory, so I know the jokes I'm going to do and stuff. It's not about the jokes, though. It's about, like, but on the opposite, I'm getting ready.

I'm way better if I, like, fuck around. Like, if I fuck around, then I go right on stage, then I'm way better. Like, if I, if I were able to, like, sack tap somebody before going on stage every time, like, if I ever become like this. Yeah, because you're already in a good mood, and you bring that energy up there with you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I think if I ever become famous, there, in every theater gig, there'll be a man that I just hit in the balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that'll be Mike a guy. Yeah. Yeah, no, my careers go pretty well. I'm the ball hitter guy. I get him in the nuts. Trust me, show would not happen without me. There's a reason those seats are filled that he's got pep in his step.

It's not a racial thing, I swear. It's not... It's like a slave thing. No, it would make me feel... Boy? ...to hit a black guy in the balls. It would have to be... It would have to be a white.

Yeah, you don't have to be... It'd have to be a white business guy with glasses. She goes, hey! Every time. Every time he goes, hey. I'd be the perfect black guy to hit in the balls, though. You can't hit like a big black guy in the balls. People are like, I don't believe.

Right. I don't believe. But me, they'd be like, okay. Yeah. Although, if you had enough money to hit a giant black guy in the balls and there's no repercussions for you, I think that's real fuck you money, right?

Oh, yeah. That's like legit slavery. Yeah. That looks bad. Yeah, I'm like picking him out. I'm like, nah, he's a little. Yeah. There we go.

Yeah. You pick him. It's like, he probably, that guy looks. like he kind of likes it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but that would be a great opening to a special, just me hitting somebody in the balls and walking on stage.

I feel like an Asian guy would be fun to hit in the nuts every time you went on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes a noise. What would the noise be like? Ooh. Good luck, Michael's son. Oh, fuck, dude.

I was expecting more high pitch. I like that you went deep samurai with it. You think he sounds like a school, where he's like, ooh! Why was there a chuckle with that? I don't know. I would imagine chuckle too.

Well, because... You get hit the nuts and you chuckle. Well, the Asian testicles are so thin that what happens is, when I move my hand, the wind blows it, so it tickles him first. It's almost like a magnetic field

where the wind pushes it before I even get to hit it. So it's, it really only makes contact when it swings back around. That's funny. Yeah, it's like trying to punch like a feather, you know,

it's, yeah. they have light balls yes because they are always coming I don't know look I'm not a scientist okay I just know the truth are you proud of me now dad

yeah I'm trying to think of a moment he said I mean yeah I don't know I don't know I'm very proud of myself though yeah what are you proud of specifically I don't know I did shrooms like in that's what I'm proud of

But I did shrooms in like September of last year and I like just had a full just like moment where I was just like, oh, proud of you. Yeah. To yourself. Yeah, yeah. It was like a good feeling. That's really nice, buddy. Yeah, yeah. Every time I do shrooms recently, which is why I've stopped doing shrooms.

I'm like, oh my God, I'm such a fucking loser. My life is going nowhere. What am I doing with myself? Yeah. Well, that's what most of the time is true. Most of the time is that for me. But like this time is not weed really does that for me. Oh, dude.

Same. I can't do weed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes me feel like... Or just scrolling on Instagram and seeing... People that are doing... Yeah, people who don't do you. Stand-up have no idea how the bitterness is.

It's like extreme. It's like literally like you see somebody, you're like, ha ha, 100,000 views on that, on that, on that, who is this guy? And then you're like, what the fuck is happening? You know what's funny? I feel like for a while, all the stand-ups were like, fuck these influencer comics with all their followers.

And now everyone's like, I need to get followers. I need to get followers. Yeah. thinking that though. They just don't want to... They didn't want to admit it. They didn't want to admit it. I think they were kind of hoping that it would go away. And then we started seeing how much money the influencer comics were making. And you're like, fuck that.

Yeah, yeah. Influencer comic? No, totally. But it's also like you can't like, you're... It's going to go where it's going to go. It's like, for me, I'm like, I'm spending some time online, but I'm like, I'm going to focus mostly on stand. Like, I don't know, it's like... I think the most important thing is make sure your foundation is solid.

Because the last thing you want to do is blow up and then people do buy tickets to see you. and you suck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you want to make sure your stand-up is solid first. Yeah, I think that's why, like,

JJ's gonna do well, is doing well, why, like, Che Dorena's done well. They'd already put so much time into stand-up that by the time they blew up, they had the chops to, like,

people coming back. It's so impressed that J.J. Lieberman had like 100,000 Instagram, lost it, and within a year made it back. Dude, now he's got double that. Yeah. Yeah.

It's great. It's so impressive, and it's so, like, good. Dude, and he did, like, a headlining night over at Old Man Hustle a while ago in October or something, and I hosted for it. His audience is fun, dude. That's a fun, dude. It's a fun, fucking crowd. Were there any women there?

Like, two more than, like, whole host. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a good kind of chick to have at a show. Yeah. They're not going to be weirded out by anything he says. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They might let him suck their toes. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point. Yeah, I, uh... Yeah, no, it's interesting, because it's like, um... By the way, I just started this sentence, I did this often. I have no fucking idea where it's going. I just felt like I had to keep the momentum. Yeah.

I go, you know, the funny thing about that is that I'm like, fucking dig right now. Um, but I think, uh, he... I mean, like, I like that stand-ups not a fuck... First off, I like the stand-ups not a fucking young person's game anymore. Even though I am a young person, it used to be like, oh, if you're, like, they only cared about the young. But now it's like...

Because, like, there's fucking funny people of every age. And now with the internet, it's like you can build a career so late in stand-up. Yeah. Not that, no, no, actually, I am going to shit on JJ, that old fucking bitch. Just while he's not here. It's funny that he also, he went on Christos podcast, did the same thing you know on my podcast. He, like, nagged me really hard and, like, said I was ugly, just so I broke and eventually. I'm like, I get posy, I get pussy.

Just a fucking... Think he was nagging you? 100%. Dude, he tried to do that with me all the time. Yeah, he does all the fucking time. He used to come to me all the time and be like, buddy, you're getting fat. you need to get abs. And I was like, no,

you just want me to get abs so you can sexually harass me. Like, I'm not falling for this, JJ. I'm going to go get a fried chicken sandwich from down the street. Yeah, but he did the same thing to, I saw a clip of him on Christos podcast.

He's like, you and I are like the same attractiveness. We're to just tear someone down. Yeah, yeah. It's like, ugly as me, pal. No, no, no, no. There's no way of bald,

middle 40-year-old guys is, ugly as Christoph. No, no, sorry. Other way around. But then it was funny, too, because, like, yeah, that's a funny thing. I remember the biggest insult I ever got is I used to bark for this comedy club.

And this one really unfunny chick was like, she goes, yeah, no, it's like crazy. They keep bugging us to bark. We're not even like, like, the best comics here. She's like, you and I, you know, we're like not even that, you know, good at stand.

I was like, you think we're on the same fucking level. Like, I was like, you think we're the same? You think we're the same? When you get compared to this? someone be like, fuck that. You started this fucking a week ago, bitch.

Yeah, yeah. But I do like that, yeah, yeah. It is actually, by the way, I do try to get women on the podcast. Patty leaves, and next thing you know, we got a black guy. Last week, we had a woman. This is what happens when Patty was bad for this podcast. He wasn't intentionally, but just what would happen, I'd be like, all right, who can be at here in like five minutes?

I'm like, he's my roommate. And he's really good at podcasting. So, yeah, yeah. But now I'm like, who was the woman you had? Gigi was on last week. Yeah, yeah. what? But yeah, and Zach Ross,

I don't know, it's just so funny too because, like, I just would kind of like, I always do this so last minute that like it's not one of these things because it takes, people realize this. You had GGM before me. It wasn't intentional. I was just like, who can do this fucking,

I've asked you so many times to do. I've asked both you guys. You definitely have you. Yeah, yeah, man, can you do it? Yeah, I've asked a lot of people. But it's like what happens is like my fucking other camera, I'm using my phone

just because I have to send this over faster. My camera takes like three days to upload the video. So like if I don't have it done, you should get a better computer. No, computer's great. What years is it? 20, 26. From the future?

Yeah, I got it's a time machine. Send the back. So my computer is like 2016, my roommate's computer in 2020. One time he let me borrow his computer to edit something. It's insane. how much faster. I'm like, oh, my computer might as well be garbage. Dude, I got the new

iPhone. It hurt my eyes because of how fast it moved. I was like, it feels like I'm in like a cartoon, it's just jumping. And the one's like, yeah, it can take a second for your eyes to get used to. I was like, that's insane. How, all right, Mike, you're what, 32? 31. 31? I'm 29. How old are you? 28. 28? Dude, what age did you notice yourself starting to get like an old

man with technology? Like, I remember, I think it was around 26, 27. I stopped scrolling with my phone with my thumb and I started holding and using my pointer finger to do shit. Yeah, that is an old guy thing. That's an old man. Yeah. I think I was always behind. Yeah. Until I saw like boobs on my buddy's phone

and I was like, what the fuck? You can be doing that right now? I was like, I didn't know. I was like, I pot touch. Like it's a touchscreen. I'm like, yeah, fucking cool. And I was like, wait a way to know, we could surf the internet. And then I was like, holy shit. Yeah. Honestly, which is crazy. I think, man, we don't get enough credit. We could look at boobs literally whenever we want.

Yeah. And most of the time we don't. I think that we should get more. Most of the time I do. I look at boobs quite a lot. I have fried my brain with pornography. Like, on the subway, you could just be searching tits. I also have a privacy screen now, so I could be

looking at just porn on the subway. But I do it because I want to write jokes in public and I don't want to look at my shoulder. Do you want people stealing your bits? Exactly. Nice try. Get out of you. Police officers staring at me being like, you can't. What are you? You're going to bomb this train. No, it's just a bit idea.

Oh, I had a bit idea like that coming here. You get stupid bit ideas in the moment. You're like, this is hilarious. And then 30 seconds later, you're like, that was really bad. Yeah. It was one I was going to just talk about how like, oh, we don't even really have freedom of speech in this country. Like, you can't even yell that you have a bomb in an airport. Yeah, that's kind of funny.

Yeah, a little bit, but not enough. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't know. I'm sure there's a way to make it work. Because I get what you're saying. It's like, like, I am all. also like, I'm such a free speech absolutist that even me, I'm like,

no, maybe we should be able to yell to bomb with you. Like, I'm like, no, my brain is so just like attached to freedom. Whatever you want all the time. Well, because I get really weirded out about like things where like, me and my roommate were talking about it. He was like, we were watching a show where somebody was getting sued because they made a movie about somebody's life

and that person wasn't getting paid. I'm like, I don't know. I feel like I should be able to make a movie about somebody's life and be like, this, from my eyes, this is weird life. If I made a life was to be. Yeah, yeah. I just make a Zach Brabbyette movie. I'm like, nah, this is what he is. I was like, yeah, but it's like, yeah, but it's like, yeah, but it's like, yeah, but it's like, yeah, but it's like, yeah, I don't know, but it's like, yeah, I don't know the life in a way, so I can make a movie about you. That's actually a good point, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's how I see you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like, no, yeah, yeah, it's not, yeah, I don't know the details, but this is what you are to know what you are to make. This is what I imagine your life is like. Yeah, you should be a lot. Just on the subway looking at Tids. It's not so much who the movie's about, but it's whose perspective it is. Like Jackie Chan by Michael Good. Yeah.

Obviously, fucking. Yeah. It's just Jackie Chan running around going, oh. Karate chopping everyone he's seen. Jackie Chan running through McGoole Street karate chopping homeless guys. It's like the raw, every rock movie, just every movie he's in. Scorpion King, then get hard. He was in Scorpion.

Well, what if I, yeah, I'm picturing my life. Jack, Zach Bravier, it's just all positive things he's saying about me. Like, always randomly throughout, he's like, look, you're a great son, but Michael Good's also really funny, by the way. Just like random things like that. Yeah, it's always about you. He's just casually throwing it. Why can't

your kids? Son, I'm so proud of you. Also, have you seen Michael Goetz? Why can't you kids be like Michael Good? Yeah, yeah. And there was something else like that we're arguing about where I'm just like very much like, I just don't think, I don't know, because it's, because at what point? Because like, you can make a movie about Donald Trump and then he doesn't get paid for that

there's no way he's getting paid for it yeah like all those documentaries Netflix made about him and shit there's no way yeah they didn't pay it for those wait can you just make it really funny to make a full documentary just about some random person in your life just like your hair dresser but like he doesn't like know you're making it like you're just kind of like ta-da

the guy your bodega some ock that would be so sick too it's mostly even just smoking outside the fucking you'll get that to here you'll get that to here You'll get out there. No EBT.

No EBT. No EBIT. Get out of you. Yeah. I don't know what a... Yeah, it's funny. I always just think of myself as like, I'm like, this is like the Adam Sandler arc where like... He's always like 28 in the movie and then he's like, you know, kind of on this.

Then it gets... I mean, I'm also very happy. I will say this. This month I've been cutting back pretty dramatically on the drinking and stuff. No, good for you. It's only been five days, but hey. Or you think you're like having a midlife crisis or something? No, I'm just like...

Are things need to happen for me? Yeah. No, I don't. Definitely. Oh, dude, I have that hard recently. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But, extra hard recently.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. I think once I crack 30, I'm like, okay, I just got to enjoy my life. You're going to the opposite. I have no choice. It's not getting any better. If I indulge those thoughts, you won't see me again.

Yeah, that's true. Joe Bomber Bridge? Yeah, dude. Oh, fuck. I had it, because I turned 29 this year. I'm like, this is the last year of my 20. I cannot go into my 30s like things are right now. I have to be in a better position.

Dude, I enter 30s so bad. Yeah. 30 is so bad. I enter 30s so bad. Oh, yeah. Dude, my life was a mess. What was going on? My whole lot, like, I guess you didn't see me the year before.

The year before that, I was just like, I had nothing going on. But you're always dressed really nice, so I just assume things are going well. I was not dressed well. Oh, okay. I mean, you got those loafers on. I'm like, he's... Okay, I literally just got my shit together. two weeks ago.

Oh, okay. You can attest to it. Yeah. It's also really funny. Like, somebody has a bit about this. It's really funny when somebody's like dressed up

in like nice clothes. It almost looks worse. Like if somebody like has clothes that aren't fitting but are nice. Like somebody had a bit about this. It may have been Louis, but he's like, when somebody's wearing like a suit.

It doesn't, it doesn't fit. It doesn't fit. You look so much worse than just a guy in a t-shirt. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, no, I'm not fucking things aren't falling apart.

My life, sorry. I didn't just get back from divorce court. Yeah. I don't know who's, I don't know, I'm pretty happy today. Like, what are you afraid of? I'm just afraid of, like, I think it's totally possible for me to make a career

in stand-up comedy. But, or, like, some outlet, maybe rioting this. I'm like, there's 100% possible. My fear is that, like, I'm going to get to heaven, and God's going to be like, this is, like, where you could. He's like, you were, like, an inch off, dude. He's like, you spent fucking, you would have, he's, like, four less fucking.

That one night you went out drinking. If you had done a show and said, that was the night. Yeah, like, that was. was the night. The guy was in the room. I set it up for you and I'm like, fuck. And you went to get, you're a set of disappointing God? Not really. That's like an over exaggeration, but in my mind,

I'm like, I know it's doable. So my mind, I'm like, I think the fuck up is only on me because it's like there's so many unfunny people that succeed in stand up. So I'm like, it's literally like, it's so doable. It's not doable, but it's like, it's not like, uh, I don't know. It seems like there's certain things where it's like you have,

like sports are completely different where it's like, you have to be this athletic. Like there's people that have that talent, people that don't. Stand up, there's people that make up for talent with effort. So in my mind,

I'm like, all right, well, I don't think I'm particularly talented. I don't think I'm particularly effortful, but I think if I combine the little bit of talent I have

with the effort I have. That can make something to happen. Yeah, but I'm like, there's that like just little like margin where you fucking just don't succeed. And I'm like, in my mind,

it's like my biggest fear is like being this, if I was like way off, then it's just like, well, I was just a fucking retard. Which is fine. You could do everything, and it won't happen for you.

You have to just enjoy yourself. And you are funny. You're talented. Thank you. So it can happen for you. Or you could be like Forrest Gump and somehow look into nailing everything. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I think one of my big... That's not... I don't believe in that shit either. Where people like walk their way into careers. I think that person is a star. That person's a star. Are you fucked up? Yeah, there's...

That's what happens to start with gravitas. They walk into shit. That is a good point. Because people saw them or like... Yeah, I have the gravitas. to just walk in here and be that guy. Yeah, yeah. I think my biggest flaw is my fear

because I get so nervous. So I think I'm a very social guy, but then I walk in the door of a comedy club. I'm like, it's really important. Like, you don't fuck up your career. And then I'm just talking to older comics. I'm like,

eh, and I'm like, why is this fucking, this is stupid? Like, in my mind, I'm like, I don't know. I shot a bottle rocket out of my ass and fucking chick wearing sunglasses the other day.

It's like, I should walk in. Wait, what? Yeah, yeah. Oh, dude, I got a text from Michael Good out of nowhere with, like, fucking pit vipers on. Yeah, yeah. This was covered in last week's episode, but...

He was like, hey, happy New Year's. I banged a chick wearing these the other day. Yeah, and it's like... Awesome. Thank you. That's what I'm saying. And then I walk his door of a comedy club. I'm like, gee whiz, I hope this, like, fat middle age guy thinks I'm cool.

And I'm like, you know what? Fuck. I don't know. I gotta... It's the only place I walk in and my confidence is just stripped away completely. I'm sorry. Did you finish with the month? Um, I think I did.

I was pretty drunk. I don't know. That's pretty sick that you had him on the whole. It was pretty fucking sick. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm like, that's fucking... Your dad should be proud of him. Thank you.

Did you send him a picture? No. Look what I just pulled off. That's what I'm saying. I should walk in to every comedy club and just be like, look, I know this isn't related, but I'm pretty fucking cool.

Doesn't matter how this set goes. I fucked a chicken pit vipers. That's my New Year's resolution. Thank, please. I'm telling you to have sex with a girl in Pittman. No, no, no, no, no. Not that. That's crazy.

I would never. Like, it's cool for you. I would never. I don't think I'd be able to perform, but it's just so ridiculous. I'd be in my head, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, just avoiding rooms where I feel like an imposter syndrome. Yeah.

If I'm in a place where I can't feel authentic, I'm going to vacate it. Totally. I'm too old now. Yeah. To be like, uh, it's so fucking gay. And I don't do well in that any way. It's like not my thing. Totally.

Yeah. It's literally insane. And it's like, I, because you know what it is to comedy? There's like a couple different things. There's like the real, like, uncool comics that are hilarious, and they just have a, it's like uncool as in like they're just not popular. Yeah, either autistic or like they're not traditionally cool. Like Tim Dillon, not traditionally cool, but he's fucking hilarious. He's insanely talented.

That stuff. He walks in to like a good comedy club and they're like, oh, this, you know, this guy's, so it works that way. Then there's a weird in-between thing where there's guys that are fake cool and succeed. Like, there's dudes that are like, like, the kind of like, high. hot boy comedy kind of. That's not funny though. Is that funny? No, it's not. But they have the confidence to sort of get into this sort of weird

rhythm of things where they're doing things at a certain. And it's super inauthentic, but somehow they pull it off. Yeah, but it allows them to walk into certain places with a certain swag that is like weird and it's like, I'm like, oh, I could see through that, but I still can't, like, I'm still nervous

in these fucking buildings because it's like, I feel like my career is so fucking important to me, but that's holding me back dramatically. Like when I'm on stage, just dramatically holding me back. Because I'm doing some new joke. I'm very proud about pedophiles. By the way, that's something you should proud about that.

It's a great bit. Anyways. And I just go like, oh, God, if I do it at this venue, I'll fucking get kicked out forever. And then it'll be a domino effect. And it's all fucking obsessive,

crazy brain. What's crazy to me is I had no idea who you actually were when I met you because at the comedy clubs, you're very like prim proper. Like, there was a timer. I was like, oh, hey man. I was like, oh, hey man,

you think you could like switch my spot around or something. You're like, well, let me ask first. And then I'm like, all right, nerd. And then you're like, yeah, dude, I was doing whippets and fucking this chick the other day. Yeah. Yeah, it's so like, you should see me counting money when I'm a show running. I'm like, because I'm just so, but it's like I need, I need a, it's holding me, it's literally holding me back. It's like, it's not though.

You need, you need some. You got to care, but not. You can't be that. Like, I'm the opposite of you. I don't care. I don't care. Yeah. That's not good.

No, but I guess... I'll do a new joke that... I'll do a joke that I thought about like an hour ago. Yeah, but that's... That is important, you know? That is important, though, because I do think... I wasted one year in my life I remember specifically where I just barely did any new jokes. I remember, that's when I first met you.

Yeah, you ran that same fucking, like... That tight fifth... It's great, though. I loved it. Thank you. Yeah. It's tight. But it's like I could have used a lot.

I could have grown a lot in that time period. I think I've grown a lot by doing new stuff. But you're like, like, you got to give yourself some credit, though. Like, well, you did like an hour a couple weeks ago? Oh, no, no, no, no. I did a fucking 30-minute headliner set. Oh, okay. I gave my friends a bunch of guest spots, yeah.

I've done an hour, but it's like. Yeah, but at least you've done it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an hour of horseshit, but yeah. I had the opposite problem where I was just constantly throwing new stuff at the wall, and then it came to a point where I needed to run a type 5 and was like, I don't have a type 5. Yeah, you know what I mean?

Yeah. So it's grass is always greener kind of thing, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to weirdly manage to do both. What do you think about the rule about like just always try to kill and the new stuff will come when it comes? Do you, do you subscribe to that? The most not at all. A pro, a pro comic said that to me.

I'll tell you after. Sure, but you give me. I know who it is. Right? I think it. I don't know. It wasn't it Donno. Donnell?

No, but he just, I don't think I could bomb. He also gives really bad advice. He doesn't want you to make it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, fuck you guys. Yeah, he said the dumbest thing. He's like, every crowd's a good crowd, which is just not true. And he's like, he's like, every crowd. I mean, he's fucking hilarious. Yeah, he's hilarious.

But it's like, same with like Ralphie May. It's like our, or it's like four hour speech at the comedy store. It's like, it's got good advice. And then randomly he's like, never get a beard or wear a hat on stage. It will ruin your career. And you're like, what are you talking about? This is so insane. Like everything you're saying, he's like, you always got a right clean because it's about getting on TV.

You're like, that's like, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's weird because like you're a famous comic or whatever told you, like, always make sure you kill. But then, like, Louis has very publicly said on podcasts, like, if you're not bombing, you're not trying. Yeah, and he did that before. I hate when people, they always bring up this fucking example.

They always go like, oh, Louis, like, you know, he's Louis, it's different. Like, he was not always. He was like, he would probably, when he started to take off,

he was probably where, like, Joe List is now. So it's like one of those things where it's like, he was not this insanely, and probably, maybe even less than that. It's like,

people would talk to him redefining his act. He was like headlining, like, road clubs and like eating shit, like, yeah, heard he's like dog shit for a while, right?

He was like in his early 30s and had already been doing it for over a decade before he finally switched it and figured out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't this thing where he was like, all right, now that I'm this, now I think I'm going to start talking about this. It's like, no.

And then also you have to learn how to do those kind of jokes certain ways. Like, that's why I'm kind of like, all right, I'd rather figure out how to do these jokes. Well, oh, because how many years you've been in comedy? 15, no, I'm kidding. Seven and a half. Yeah, it's like what you're, this time's all about figuring it to fuck out.

You know what I mean? Like your first 10 years is all about just trying to figure out. I love going back home. You tell people you're like, seven and a half years ago, that's a long time. And you're like, no, it's not. You become such a bitch. You know what's not? I'll definitely, I'm definitely insecure about my career when I go back home.

Do you ever like, like, I'll just immediately be like, once in a show Bill Burr, people are like, nobody fucking asked. You're like, well, I did. I did. I had to go after it. It was pretty cool. What's it like with Nebraska? Is it like, I don't even go up when I go back home. Really?

No. Like, what did you do? Did you go back for Christmas? No, I didn't go back this year. I'm back in October for a wedding, but the scene there is awful. It's gay. It sucks. I've got like a friend that runs a bar show that's not bad that asks me to do it every time I come back home.

But I feel like I do comedy enough in New York that when I'm back home, it's like, let me see my friends and my family. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's like I going up every day if I want to in the city kind of thing, not to like fucking fluff my old dick. But you know what I mean? It's like, I'm going up. plenty here. Yeah. I can just spend time with

my family for three days. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't need to do comedy for people that I don't care about. Yeah, it makes sense. You know? Do you go back in for the holidays? Did. How was it? It was great. I didn't do a lot of comedy either, though. I was

gone for a while, though, but I just was having fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's nice to have. But it's different. I like, I love it. There's a good solid scene in Toronto. Is your dad like, uh, what does he think about comedy. Oh, he's so disappointed. Really? He's just like, what is this? See, that's, that's, mine's

not like I'm disappointed. He's just like, you're doing it. I don't know. At first, at first he was super supportive. But then it's like, oh, I've been doing it for like five and a half years. Like, no, six now. Yeah. So it's like, okay, well, like, get it together. Yeah. Because it's all about money. It's like, you know, making money? Yeah. You know, like, you can't feed yourself doing this? He's like, okay, well. I think that's the sucky thing is everybody says it takes like at least 10 years.

and the first couple years I think your family and your friends are supportive and stuff but that crunch time like five to ten where it's like it's not new but you're also not there yet it's just like a depressing

like I'm still not successful but I've also been doing this too long to quit timeframe yeah yeah five to tens is really tough I remember my first start people were like dude you're gonna make it it just a matter of time it was like every single person

and it sounds like I'm just hanging out people down to do that You can make it What am? My father said to me, he's like, I think everybody should pursue their dreams. I think I think people can be comedians.

You, though, I don't know. Dang. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. He's like, you don't really make me laugh, son. That's crazy. That's so awesome. But my dad's like, financially helped me

enough to support my career that I'm like, I can't even fucking like. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's got me out of some holes. Um, yeah, but, uh, yeah. Dude, my, uh, my dad's never seen me do a show. Really?

Yeah, my girlfriend's parents have seen me. My dad's never seen me. Yeah, my father's never seen me do. Um, he saw me do it and he started bringing up law school the next day kind of casually. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, damn. Um, as you know, you're too retarded to go to law school. Yeah, I don't know why.

I don't know. It's weird, though, because I was really good at, like, if you pump me full of Adderall, I could figure it out. Yeah. That's really kind of a good. solution to think. Also, I don't think you're retarded. I just saw the window of opportunity. And I could. Yeah, it's totally fair. Yeah. No, no, I think there are some ways that I'm like, you are retarded. It's very funny. They're like, no, you're just ADD. You know, you just need much of Adderall. You're like, anybody can accomplish anything with Adderall. Like,

if you put anybody on Adderall, dude, I was taking 60 milligram by vanses prescribed. Yeah. Like right before pandemic into the pandemic, my life has never been more together. Yeah. Oh, but. I don't think of it. I had abs. Yeah. I swear to God. I was going to the gym for two hours a day, every day. I had abs.

I was doing comedy, like, as much as I could in Nebraska, like a very frequent amount. I had more money than I ever had. Like, my life was good. Yeah, you get shit done. I was the most boring human being. You know what I mean? Yeah, or you just get angry and you start, like, I think I took Adderall the other day. And I was so back home for the holidays.

I was just trying to get a lot of shit done. and I was just, my dad's like, you know, you really need yourself as like a good pair of running shoes. And mentally I'm like, I don't need running shoes. Like I was just saying, I was like, because I love it, but he always brings the same thing. He's like, you need good walking shoes to walk around in or else you get to my age, you know, your legs are getting.

And like a conversation like that on Adderall is like, no, dude, I'm literally like, I'm trying to find out what happened to Jeffrey Epstein mentally right now. This is slowing me down dramatically. And yeah, I'm literally trying to figure out what happened. I'm connecting the dots. I'm connecting all of the dots, the pandemic, all of this is up here. And then you're going to.

Yeah, you have. like a genius moments on it. Yeah, yeah. It makes sense. Everything, everything makes sense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how I used to feel with mushrooms. Like, because there's windows with mushrooms. There's the come-up window, the peak window,

and then the come-down window. Whenever the come-down window, I always felt like the smartest human being on the planet. But a lot of it's just everything makes sense to me right now and I can connect all of the things.

That one is like, mushrooms is like wisdom. Adderall is like, like, smarts. You're like, I could, I think I could, I could, I don't need to, but I can make a bomb right now.

Yeah, it's arrogance. Yeah. Dude, I accidentally took meth one time. This guy, like, more than once. But, um. He's told, he said that, you've said that sentence to me four times now. Yeah, yeah. This is the guy that, like, asked to text the, the booker about any little change at the

the guy. It's so true. I'm like, hey, dude, the amount of time that I say, if not all good. I mean, what a, what a fuck me in the butthole statement. If not all good. You want to piss in my mouth. It's so. Hey, is there any chance I could go up second?

If not, all good. Do you want to have sex with my mom in front of my face? I don't know. Just like whatever you are. Everything is based on what you right now. You're basically the most important person in my life. It's so funny. And so for that guy to start off a sentence,

like, well, one time I actually took meth. Yeah. It's insane. But the arrogance, I was texting somebody. I was like, yeah, I'm literally going to be the greatest comedian in the world. And then I, like, deleted it. I was like, that is so meth. Like, is that somebody gave me an Adderall.

I ended up being meth. but um yeah that happens that does happen I think I've done meth too back so yeah yeah yeah um it's it's crazy but um yeah I don't know we'll figure it out I uh yeah I don't know or we won't but it's weird I'm trying to just find like a way to like like it's it's like I'm not completely like I didn't do dry January

because I'm like I don't know I've done it before and I'm like what am I just gonna cut all fun out of my life I'm like instead I'm just gonna like try to drink way less this month and like just have have Saturday mornings to like get shit done, which I did this with like, I woke up early Saturday and Sunday, early for me, it's like 10 a.m. But on like a weekend. And I was like, I got shit done. It felt nice to like do shit on a... Yeah, but it's like, what's the point of

being so strict? I think moderation is harder to accomplish. Yeah, and then just straight up cutting something out. Yeah, like I just moderate and don't be a fucking... Well, I did that by the way. I... Lie to yourself. I did the thing called moderation management. Because my OCD will make me

think that I'm an alcoholic and then my therapist It's like you don't have a drinking problem. You just have OCD. So your brain thinks that like, it sees things black and white. You're like, oh, okay, well, if I drink a bunch, then I'm an alcoholic. But really, I'm a guy who's 28 and I'm having... Yeah, like, it's like, yeah. It's like, by the way, most of this city, most 28-year-olds are getting drunk a bunch.

Dude, I was talking about... I was talking about a 22-year-old. It's like, yeah, I don't drink anymore. I just be an alcoholic. I'm like, oh, when did you start drinking? It's like, oh, like, in college? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, what?

Like, what? up like what? The generation right below us. Fucking gay, lame us. Like, just shut the fuck up, man.

It's so, I bet that's how people, well, not people older than us, because people older than us are millennials and they're the lamest of the lame. But, like,

our parents' generation probably looked at, like, our generation. These guys are fucking losers. Yeah, we were stealing cars when we were in high school.

Yeah. Well, the, and the drug thing's really interesting because, like, if you grew up in like the 90s I mean as far as I know like I talked to people as like it was like it's one thing we're like if you grew up in the 80s you thought that like we're like late 70s

or late 80s you got hallucinogenics not everybody like I remember like people thinking I've heard an older person like we thought hallucingenics were so dangerous because we just came out of that and we saw like the dangerous effects of like being a complete hippie and then the next generation did a bunch of coke and then it kind of flipped back around and then people were like oh no psychedelics

that's the bad coke is the bad thing for you which I will say this dude, cocaine is really not that bad for you. Physically, no, I'm a, I'm a straight up to this. Physically, it destroys your, it's really bad for your body. But as far as, like, the, I have, I have, me and my friends, and not me, I don't do coke anymore. That's genuine, but like, my friend group has been doing coke for a, almost a, a decade now, a decade now. I know one person with a coke problem, out of all those people.

It takes a decade to develop a coke problem versus, like, what's it called, like, alcohol, Xanax and opiates just fuck up your life my bandage just I'm just

watched it I just watched it getting more and more enraveled as the I can see I can see

the blood driving me fucking insane I have a bandit falling off my finger I'm trying to make points

I go I go cocaine is not that bad for you I have a bandaid flying around at first

it's just like a little dangle and I was just and I would watch you like kind of

pick at it down here and then it's a full fucking flag on your fingernail? Nothing derails a point that when there's a Band-Aid falling off your finger while you're using your hand. You're like,

you know, and the other thing about being a fucking making a point. One of the grossest things to me is a used band-aids. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. Well, Florida, you had to take swimming classes because, like, kids drowned in the pool all the time. And so, like, our school was, like, required. They were like, we're doing swimming and, like, dude, you just see that thing just

floating. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's okay, will you, this guy pisses in the hot tub? Yeah. Would you piss in a hot tub? That is a little gross. That's fucked on. When I was a kid I used to be in the pool. I looked that you're still so on that. Yeah, it's nasty.

Where were we when that happened? I was like your birthday. Oh yeah! Invite all your friends just, wait, that's disgusting especially because like that was like a hot tub on a... On a boat. Yeah, so that's not like... Dude, like a regular hot dog.

It's so funny. Hot tub has like, I'm sure like a more strict cleaning one than No, actually, the one on the boat is, like, the most strict. Because regulations are that you only have to change out the water once a month, but they change their out every week. Okay, so your piss is just in there for a week. It doesn't, it doesn't. And there's chlorine.

It's sterile. But this is also the guy who likes getting peed on, so I'm not a good source of. Chlorine is literally kills HIV. Like, there was an Olympic diver with who had HIV. You want to jump in a pool with human turds in it? I mean Yeah I know I thought it killed

It's not gross anymore But you can't see the pee You can see You can't do When I was a kid I swam in the pool one time I peed And it was the first time

I like was dehydrated peeing And this cloud Dude I literally get out of the pool And I start screaming I'm like there's a ghost In the pool And everybody's like

Bro, you just pissed in the pool What are those pools That were they Like it gets super dark When you pee That's not real It's just a rumor Yeah

That's not real Oh, I see that of movies. Yeah. It's just like, you know what I think is not true? I was back home and there was a rumor going around that there's a school where the kids were shooting a drooler. Yeah. It doesn't happen. I just don't believe in school shooting.

It's not real. It's not real, dude. Liberal hoax. Yeah. No, but like there was like a kitty litter for the furry kids or they were setting that up. I heard about this shit too. Yeah, it's like like my-a-litter for furries. Yeah, my parents were trying to say like, yeah, the school, they were trying to demand that they have kitty litter like bathrooms for the furies.

I was like, this is like a, this is like when you're friends, like, oh, my brother's friend took acid and then he thought he was a glass of orange juice forever. And now he always thinks he's a glass of orange juice. I've heard that story from nine different people. Yeah. It's not a real thing. It's not a real thing. It's not a real thing.

I don't know. Wait, but why specifically for furries? It seems like expensive. Yeah. It's such a small demographic. Well, that's the whole point is everybody's like, oh, the money you're going towards the furries. And it's not a real, uh, I don't know.

Are there furry? Like, the kids now have furries? Yeah, for sure. It's a thing, yeah. Like, they go to school and character, like, dressed up as shit? Yeah, I think they do. Yeah, yeah. But, you know what?

I, look, look, my thing was this. When I was a kid, I went as Batman everywhere. I would get my haircoat as Batman. No, no, no, no, no, no. You were like, what, like four? Teen. No, I was really young. I was really young.

Dude, just some kid in eighth grade. Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry. I know, yeah. Really? I'm trying to write a bit about that Because he's like a really good moral role model Sure

But he's a really bad social role model Because now as a kid I was just like so serious And I was like five I was just like this playground is plagued by injustice Just like fucking standing at the edge of the playground Just staring Just beating the fuck out of your fucking head Where is shit?

Yeah it's no justice Hilarious Yeah just wear my mom's eyeliner on the corner of the fucking thing, just staring. That's the autistic kid that dressed like Batman, it beats up everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there was like a year.

I was just like, everything was so serious. I was like, right and wrong was so important. Yeah. Like the littlest things. I was like, no, I'm not going to take crayons. That's not what Batman would do. I was super religious as a kid. So Batman was like my idol

because he was so disciplined. Yeah, I totally. Yeah. Yeah. And it was like in my mind. I'm like, yeah, no, I was like, that was all my plan. I was like, I'm just going to be Batman.

Be Batman. I'm like, I don't have to be Batman. Jesus. Batman's like more realistic. You were a super religious kid. Yeah. Oh. I don't want to be a, like, I want to be like a preacher.

Really? Yeah. When I was like, I thought I was, I thought that was what I was going to do. What age did you think you're going to do that? Maybe like 16. Oh, wow. So like, I'm like, this is probably not happening. I just picture you walking around school, you're like, peace be with you?

Just like giving kids like the fucking day. No, no, I wasn't like that. Like, you, honestly, if you talk to me, you wouldn't know. But I really know who I was Totally human being, yeah. Well, it's funny too, because, like, being a religious kid is not the same thing as wanting to be a priest.

Because, like, normally the religious kid is like, I don't know, like, any really religious kids and some of, I mean, I was, like, sort of religious. I was very religious for a while. And then when I hit 60, I became less religious. Sure. But there's always those really religious kids that are kind of like,

they're very just like Jesus campy. But it's funny, too, to just be, like, very priest-like. Because priests, there's certain demeanor where you're kind of like walking with your hands behind your back. You know what I mean? Like, it kind of like that's...

You could punch me in the face and I would smile at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, not even that. Like, I did drugs. I, like, fuck around and stuff. But, like, I just had, like, I loved reading my Bible. Dude, you would have been the sickest priest ever. I just loved, like, thinking about, like, theology.

Here is this bump. Do this in the memory. Now shall snort three times. Well, that's the greatest word. Yeah, I was in church for Christmas. And I'm like, I'm so fascinated by religion. Like, I love it. It's really interesting to me.

I'm like, this is like, one of my favorite topics is religion. But then church is so fucking boring. I'm like, how do you take something so interesting and make it so fucking cool? The places that try to amp it up with like new age bands, it's like they're even worse. No, that shit's awesome. No, that shit's awesome, dude. It's like a fucking concert. It rules though.

Yeah. No, those are shit. Yeah, they're so sad. One of my friends goes, one of those and it's like, dude, it looks like he's at a concert. Yeah. Like Hill song? That shit rips, dude. Dude, I want to go.

It's like on my bucket list. I think what church needs to do is like strippers, coke, video games. Yeah, but now you're just grabbing pizza. Yeah, that's like, not, I can't go there with my mom, dude. What the fuck? Yeah. If you got a blowjob at church, I think a lot more people go to church. I had sense in a church bathroom and I felt like, I fucked me up for years.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. You're going to go to hell? Yeah. I'm going to hell. Yeah. Yeah, no, I had that single.

I like pray. I'd, like, pray a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus, please forgive me for fucking in your bathroom. I'm so sorry. I apologize to God so much. Anything something good happened to me?

I'm like, oh, my God. This is, the next thing is death. The next thing is, yeah. Get one blessing before he's like, psych, bitch. Remember when you fucked in my bathroom? Yeah, yeah. It's so funny.

That's what, one thing I, the real problem I have with, like, a lot of Christianity is, like, the whole aspect of, like, people go, like, yeah, God, like, you do not be offensive to God. It's like, how is he, this powerful and you're going to hurt as fucking. Yeah. He's like,

Oh, you get me, what did you say about me, bitch? It's literally so, like, it's so contradicting. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah. But then there's, I mean,

there's other aspects. I think it's great. Like, I found out that Muhammad banged a nine-year-old. You know who didn't do that? Jesus. Nice. Yeah, yeah.

It was really funny. Like, so I saw that on, like, a weird meme, and I was like, that is really funny. Yeah. I don't know. That goes to, like,

the pedophile bit I'm working on. It's, like, so interesting. it's like you there's no god never once in any religion was like do not have sex of children and that's the most important societal rule for us now it's like one of the most important one of the worst things you do is fuck a kid and no religion was like hey don't do that it's kind of completely insane yeah yeah it's like if god was talking to you why would he he's like no back then it was cool to fuck kids but now they're less mature so now it's not cool to fuck it's like what happened just admit that that wasn't god talking through you i i'm convinced

that like uh this is fucked up. But like the only sexual depravity they talk about in the Bible is gay stuff. I think everything else flies, dude. Yeah, we're just, there's no way that's the impact of fucking a child. Yeah, it's horrible. Yeah, I think that is, is because, like, ancient

Greek and ancient Roman times, they were mad gay. They were, like, fucking each other in the butt. So you think Christianity was kind of responding to, hey, we're not doing that. Yeah, I think it was... That got out of hand, dude. I think it was probably, you know what it was? Because we all know the Bible wasn't actually written by God. It was probably some guy that

had a gay experience and then regretted it later. And so he's writing the Bible like, this is absolutely totally not okay. I would never do it. You should never do it. That's like there's a scripture in the Bible where the one, he could tell a guy was really petty about something. Yeah.

Because like this, people were talking about this chick was such a whore and she was obsessed with guys with big dicks. Like I explicitly said like big penis. That's so funny. It's like, oh, okay. Some girl, laugh that you're smolding and now you're writing about it. Well, that is my diary. My genuine belief in the creation of marriage is I'm fucking this girl. I don't,

you're not allowed to fuck this girl because I get to fuck this girl. Like, I think that's where it's, oh, 100% dude. I don't want you fucking my chick. Yeah, it's like, I don't want you fucking my chick. Yeah, yeah. It's got to wear it like all. And then everybody's like, okay, I guess we'll find. And then somehow we've twisted and manipulated it to be super romantic. So now women are on board with it. Yeah. Really on board with it. Yeah. You're on board of like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Either way, I don't, look, we're one of those podcasts. Fucking push the envelope.

Yeah. We pop it up. We are at an hour, though. What would you guys like to promote? My career is going nowhere. I post nothing online. I have nothing to promote. We're really fun guy and you're very funny. Well, thanks, buddy. And, yeah. I guess how many average listens you get?

What's higher. Stop doing the footstuff, started lower end. Not intentionally, but like, no, no, no. you do have a little belly poking out right now. Don't pander to them. Don't pander to them. My producer, he crops it just according to what he wants to crop. And sometimes the feet are not in it.

Don't, don't do that because now he's going to crop with the feet. Mike. I'm not trying to get more foot followers. Look. You had some belly hanging out with your dangling band. This should definitely be the fucking pictures of this right here. That's awesome, dude. All he need is the pit by person.

Oh, that's sick. I guess my Instagram is Zachary Unlimited. That's all I have. Perfect. Cool. I got nothing. I really don't have anything. I just,

I'm just here down on Instagram. I'm a good time. I mean, I do, but I don't follow me, but it's not exciting. I don't do anything on it. Jesus Christ. Terrible sales. Yeah, yeah. No, follow me.

Yeah. Why don't you be like, look, it hasn't it came out yet, but once I start dropping those clips, bro? No, I'm not going to lie to you guys. Yeah, well, we were talking about being authentic before the podcast started. And you're like, I'll never drop the clip. No, if I get a bunch of gay followers, though, I might, I might send you guys some shit on the DMs low key. Oh, you have no idea. These guys, you would 100%.

If you say this is, you could sell feed picks easily from this podcast. Yeah, like, yeah, if a gay guy... I will sell feet picks from this podcast. Okay, well, to plug your industry. DM me at Zachary. 100%. I will sell you pictures of my toes and I get I get those DMs all the time and I say no Oh but no whatever you want I'll step in Jello for now

For now but that's just I'm just I'm waiting it's one of those things where it's like I'm waiting for the price to I'm just telling them like I would never do that and then I'm like What's the offer? What's the price? I haven't got I haven't even gone that far I don't know I just get DMs like feed picks I just don't answer him but Dude I think if I yes a hundred percent feedpice I'm doing a holiday special still it's like what the seventh or whatever Pull up. All right. Thank you guys.

Appreciate it. All right, thanks, buddy.