Morning Good - "Dazzling" -Scarlett Johansson - Episode 25

Episode Date: May 10, 2021

Thanks to Jake for coming back on the show and Jason for joining us this week. They both have shows coming up, so make sure to follow them on their socials to check them out and buy tickets. Check out Jake Timothy's "Burn After Watching" Podcast on Spotify, and you can follow him on IG @jake_timothyAs always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. Three, and we are going. Yeah, you guys walked in on me watching Ancient Aliens. If I were to pick three random things that I thought you believed in, I think Ancient Aliens would be in there. Oh, yeah. about Michael Good. I'm like, I don't know, I probably believes it's like aliens built

the pyramids or some shit like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I like, I like the show. The show is like, oh, it's not. I'm aware I am crazy when it comes to UFO stuff. I believe most of it, but the show is just like completely up. They'll start with like, oh, they'll be like, you know, it's possible that, and by the end of the episode, it's like, they're like, we already know this, but it's like, what kind of spaceships were they flying? Yeah. And they get more into the details. Are you Phoenix Lights guy? What's Phoenix? Oh, like the, uh, just the lights that showed up over there were like two events where lights showed up over Phoenix.

drinks in the same day. And it was like, observed by everybody. Oh, they made a movie about that. Yeah, I don't think it was good. Maybe hold a little closer.

You're fucking idiot. Jesus, you come in my... You're late, and then you're not... No, but I... For Jason. What are you drinking?

You're drinking a bang energy? Yeah, I'm just drinking a cold, bro. I'm trying to be sharp. Trying not to let things fly by me. Yeah, yeah. Do you any sponsors? No.

I don't know who would sponsor this. Shout out, bang energy anyway. Yeah, yeah. You should be drinking it anyways. But I don't believe those. As far as the ones I believe, I believe the ones like by the

U.S. Navy ones, because those are weird to me because their altitude drop is crazy. The ones where it's like, oh, it's this far and then two seconds later, it spotted like way down. Like, I'm like, that's what, like, just seeing lights in the sky isn't really crazy to me, but like the ones that are like, we saw this like craft and then next thing you know, a minute

later the craft was like way on the other side of the ocean at a way lower elevation that like you couldn't. Stuff we know wouldn't be able to reach that. Well, there's that thing that the Pentagon declassified. That was like, just like two Navy pilots being like, man, I don't know what the fuck that thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They probably didn't have Southern accidents, but they might have.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I also, he's the most level-headed. Like, you're the least conspired. You're like the only person I know that doesn't think Jeffrey, or that thinks Jeffrey Epstein actually killed himself. Well, you know, I don't know. There could have been like 90 suicides in that prison since then, but just none of them would have been newsworthy because they were just all other scumbets.

You know what I mean? The only, I think the reason I think that one's weird is because the camera being broken. Like, that's weird that they would be broken during a federal investigation. But don't you like, my thing, I saw people like, yeah, dude, it's so weird because look, here's where this Reddit commenter says that he's a camera technician, and he explains how weird it is. I was like, well, fucking, I'm a camera technician.

How about that? You know what I do? I do think they use Area 51 to, like, train, like, Mujahideen and stuff that they wanted to, like, overthrow governments in other countries. That's interesting. I like that idea. Pretty out there, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to put my shit on airplane mode.

Oh, you're good. I do like everybody's an expert, though. Like, I'm getting my COVID vaccine today, but I'm still going to tell everybody I'm an anti-vaxxer because I like people to, trying to explain how vaccines work to me. Because I'm like, can you explain to me how, like, the Advil in my cat? No, but do you know what MRNA is?

I'm like, no, what is it? Explain to me what? No one did until like three months ago. Yeah, yeah. Everyone knows what. They're like, it's really simple. I'm like, it's so simple that you, I'm sure you knew about it a year ago then. If it's that simple, you know how to fix this virus.

Now it's... I was at dinner with Courtney and my girlfriend and next to us was like, it was like an outdoor thing. And the lady just, you know, just like a real boss. see New York Jew lady. And she was like the two people who worked at the restaurant, like the waiter, and then the bus boy that came up,

she was like trying to get them to get vaccines. And she was literally just, she was doing exactly that. She was like, explaining to them. And they were just like, she was like, have you guys gotten your vaccines? And they're like,

no, but I'm depending on you for money right now. So I guess I'm going to sit and listen to you, explain to me why I should. In casual conversation, I would just walk away from this right now. Yeah. Do you think it's going to come to a point

where you got to like show your vaccine card to get in places and stuff? Maybe. I don't know. I mean, I said, thing is like I'm getting it. I think it's legit. But I also, I don't think it's crazy that people are like slightly hesitant. Not because like, like, if you think the government's trying to like plant a chip and you, I think that is crazy. But I think if you think that like,

you're like, okay, this operation was sped up a little bit, you're like, I don't know. I think they might be giving the doses out too fast. They might not be refrigerated correctly. I'm like, I understand that fear because it's like, yeah. Yeah, but that doesn't mean that like you don't believe in science. You're like, no, it's like, I don't believe in every single person who rushed this vaccine out. Yeah. It just took them a hundred. It took them a hundred years to cure every other disease. Yeah. And they're like,

we figured out this vaccine in like a couple months. So pretty cool how that works out. For me, it's like, I just don't think I'm special enough that I would be like the one out of 150 million people

like have something go wrong. Yeah. Like some other fucking idiot will get like blood clots in their ball sack, but I'm just gonna like, I'm gonna be fun. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, but it's also, it's a new MRI vaccine. It's like a newer thing. It's like a different kind of vaccine than... Yeah, it's a, it's a first of its kind. Yeah, yeah.

This is the nice thing about like wacky conspiracy people is that they they read way more than, because they read all like the regular stuff and then they like go into like the crazy shit. Like no, before I got to 4chan, I did read MSNBC's like breakdown. I'm like, I didn't even, I just trusted like Obama came on TV and told me to get it. Yeah, that's what, yeah, exactly. I thought that was the move, yeah.

Yeah, I'm like, I'm scheduling it too. I'm doing it with my drinking schedule too because I heard I started to get worried about that. I was like, well, I feel shittier if I drink and take the vet. Because my back, my hangover is already very bad. so I was worried about that. Just wait until, wait for 12 hours. You're going to be physically sick.

You're not going to want to drink when you're, after you get vaccinated. You say that. Yeah. I used to drink through being sick and it was kind of worked. It didn't really work. It just like you throw up all the food that you were going to, yeah. This is just getting sad. Is it your first or second?

I didn't forget. This is my first dose. Oh, you're getting your first shot. Oh, your arms is going to hurt. Just drink. I think I probably drank that day. Yeah. The second dose is the one that, like, gets you?

The second one is the one that gets you, supposedly. I had COVID. like two months ago, and then I got the vaccine like three weeks after that. So my first dose was like fucking brutal. It was so bad. But that's because it was like essentially my second dose. Yeah, yeah.

It's like the boost. Like the second dose is a booster shot. So it makes you so sick. Yeah. I like already had antibodies. So my first was like a booster shot pretty much. Dude, it is funny. I just like can't even,

I can't even get into the headspace of someone who's like, because I was just, when I got like my first shot, it was like I'd gone hiking that day and like the weather was, I was just in such a good mood. And like for the shit.

to be over that it's like I just don't I understand like people are skeptical or whatever but I'm just, that's just so now my headspace I'm just like it's probably fine it's either it works or it does nothing or like they're microchipping us and they probably would have found a way to do that anyway so yeah that would that is funny

the idea that they had the only people they wouldn't microchip are the conspiracy theory like you know what I mean they're like I guess we're just gonna let those guys be and then those they fucking post incessantly we know where they are all the time yeah yeah yeah for real I didn't honestly I didn't believe in it like I had no ties to any of the conspiracy, whatever, about the vaccine until I was, like, getting it.

So I got it in, like, a Walgreens. And the dude they gave it to me, like, used both thumbs. To push the thing down. Oh, interesting. I was like, that seems a little like he's putting out. Some little hefty's got to get through. Didn't you say he was also like, all right, I'm going to give it. Like, he was really prepping.

He said it. He said the name of the vaccine. He was giving me three times. He's like, we're now administering the Moderna first dose. And was like, yep. That's what I signed up for. for her. He's like telling other doctors. She's like, wait outside the room, stand outside. They're like looking at you with like a no pad. She's just like looking at like a

two-way mirror. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is, okay, this is one of the real ones. You're like, this is one of the real ones. The one I went to, it was so, I also really enjoyed this part of it. When my girlfriend was getting it, she was in like an early round of eligibility because she, like, babies and kids and works at a school. She's a hero. Yeah. And so when she was getting her appointment, it took her like a week of being on the phone all the time to do it. And She was like, oh, she was trying to get me to do it. She's like, you're not going to be able to get it. I'm like, I'll take care of it when I take care of it.

Got on the phone, had an appointment in 20 minutes. The vaccine site was like nearby. I waited in line for five minutes. Meanwhile, she had to go to like rock away and it was in line for like hours. And I was like, I don't know what you're complaining about this vaccine stuff. It's like the easiest thing I've ever done. Yeah. No, that's so my girlfriend was like on the phone.

She's like, I'm scheduled in two weeks. And I literally, not even kidding, wiped the cum off my stomach this morning and scheduled the vaccine appointment. Like within five minutes, I was like, All right. I gotta do something productive today. I guess I'll get vaccinated for this disease. It's been killing so many people. I was like, I think it's about time to.

That'd be so funny if like you were online behind someone who, like, it took the months to get an appointment and you're sure to stick into your belly. I was like, uh, this is crazy. I guess I didn't get all of it. Maybe a part of me, I came and I was like, you know, I'm going to have kids one day. I want them to. Yeah, the clarity. Hey, man, while I'm here, can you scrape this off and put it in one of them jars you got?

Put your frit back there. Savor it. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I'm still like, I don't know. It was funny, though, because yesterday I did. I haven't watched Alex Jones and so long, but I'm like, what did his takes on it? And it was so funny listening to him doing like the Info Wars audio because you can hear him driving in the car.

It's just funny to hear him like talking about this like serious stuff. And you hear like his blinker on like. And he's like, what they're doing is it's a new form of globalism and one second. Just like, where you hear like horn's honking. Is this juniper? Anyway, these Jews. He's like delivering for a Dornash. That's what he would be doing.

And how he's a billionaire. And like 20 years ago, he'd just be just like delivery food. He's a billionaire? I don't know. He's got more money. He like sells fucking protein powder and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what's so funny.

Anything you do you could just use is like a way to sell fake health products. That's like always available to you. It's to like sell like, yeah, I don't know. It's got egg protein. Just buy it. We should sell like laugh powder. as comedians. You take this in it.

Laf powder. We know. Rino horn laugh powder. Yeah. You could just fucking get like some protein powder produced and wherever. Like slap a dumb label on it. Someone will buy it. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. Dude, you should just sell like trail mix on this podcast as like protein. Male people trail mix. Yeah. But I feel like if you're a guy, it's got to be like a men's thing. It's got to be like men's. Do you have to trail mix? Dirt.

Yeah, but it's got to be like, I got to have like. Well, it's like, yeah, get whole proteins. Don't take those supplements. you need almonds and like cubed up ham. Just like buy the luncheables things and like form it like a different thing. But I got to have like a yoked guy on it like doing an activity though. Like I got to have a guy like lifting weights or something. Yeah, true.

But the crazy Alex Jones thing is when he was like right about shit because he's wrong about so much shit. Like every. But then he has like five things that he like knew about like way before. Like the chimera shit that came out and you're like, no, I guess he was fucking mad about it. What do you, why are you saying that like that's like something? Do you know what he's talking about? I have no idea of you talking about. I'm glad you guys asked about the chimeras.

So they're like... Yeah, they're as sure, dude. They're human monkey embryos that they... I think NPR, like, a week ago, like, came out. They're like, yeah, we've had these. But Alex Jones says we've had him for 10 years. It's like a liberal loser. He was like, NPR said.

He was like, oh, NPR said, okay. Alex Jones's like number one source works for NPR. That's the thing is, I think he does come on to stuff, but he's so crazy that, like, first off, he's horrible explaining things because he just says everything in the most extreme thing. It's kind of like Al Gore, I know it's a weird comparison, but when he's

describing something in such an extreme way, you're like, okay, you know how he was like, Florida is going to be like underwater by like this year and you're like, okay, that's not true. But then there's some truth to what they're saying. They're just, for sure. They over-exaggerate things. But I think he's just the max of that. Andy has a drinking problem. Andy takes Adderall.

Andy believes everything. Yeah, he rocks, dude. He's just like everyone I knew in college. He's just like, he's obviously like a crazy person, but he's also, he's, like, legible in a way because it's, like, he does, like, the cable news format. There's, like, things about what he does that you understand. You can, like, put it in, like, a box of, like, I understand this is how information is conveyed, like, on guess and shit. Whereas, like, compared to, like, deep QAnon shit and, like, 8-Shane and fucking, like, the Watkins people, it's just, like, dash, dash, line,

429, 14, and people are like, oh, well, you know what that means, don't you? I'm like, I don't even know how you would begin to know what that means. Yeah. I don't even, how is that even saying something? Yeah. I love that shit. Would people show you just like a wingdings font, paragraph? And they're like, you get it. It's going down.

You're not going outside at that point. That's just like... Oh, yeah. You just so much more on... Like, sometimes, oh, man, I spend, like, too much time on the internet. And then you see that stuff, you're like, well, there's just whole branches of the internet that I have, like... I don't even... I don't even know how to...

Could you just type in A. How do you get to that website? Yeah, that's wild to me. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I mean, I watched, like, one episode of the QAnon-on thing. Wait, and you're like, is A-chan still going? I'm funny. Somebody showed me 4chan, like,

so 8chan's more intense, which one's more fun? I think, I don't know. 8chan's the one that's, like, way out there. There is funny shit on 4chan, but I don't know what's going on there now. Yeah, I've never been on either one. I've just seen, like, screencaps of it on other websites. Yeah. Well, that was the one, 4chan was the one where, like, Shia LaBuff kept posting that, like, a live stream.

That was very funny. That was so funny. Oh, here we go, 8chan.net. I love how hard they make it to find. You can't Google 8chan. Michael, do you hear about the Shai LaBuff thing? This is years ago, no. No, this sounds amazing, though.

Oh, you'd love this, dude. Fucking... Shailabuff, yeah, I guess this was, like, three or four years ago. It was, like, right after Trump got elected. Yeah. Shailabuff was on 4chan, and he was, like, with livestream, just this, like, an image of this flag that was, like, he will not take over, take us over. But the reason...

Oh, I think I sort of remember this. So it was just an image because previously people had already stolen it, like, twice. Yeah. Like, fucked it up. Because people, like, these crazy people on Fchan were just, like, like, tracking the way the sun hit the flag and shit. And they figured out where it was in America. Yeah, it's a different thing.

I guess. I don't know how to get to A. Chan. I've never tried. Let me call up some friends. If you know how to get to A. Chan. You can just type it in. No, dude. They're like...

Or is it like hosted on some weird thing now? Probably. They definitely had like a thing where... Because Frederick Brennan, the guy who did it was like advocating against it. And I don't know if they got dropped from... They probably weren't on GoDaddy, but whoever was hosting their domain. Maybe Duck, Duck, Doug. Go?

Echan. Go. Echand.com. Because they were just like, they were like live streaming. Like that guy who shot up that mall in Texas was just like live streaming it on Achan as it was happening. Or like a live leak or something. Well, that guy that did that in New Zealand just put it on Facebook. Right, right, right.

That was crazy. Some guys shot up New Zealand or not. He shot up like three months. It's pretty small. He could have shot up just the whole place. He shot up all of New Zealand. It's like, you know what? You really want to up your numbers?

You just go to a night. Where are they going to go? They can't go anywhere. You don't remember that? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, the guy shot up the mosque, and then Milo Yonoplas got in trouble afterwards. He shot up, yeah, I mean, that's like way lesser of a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's just like the guy who's in America is the one I don't know.

This dude shot up a mosque and then like drove to another one and shot that one up. And he'd live stream the whole thing on Facebook. Oh, wow. Yeah. And then it was like he like killed like 40-something people or some crazy shit. And then after that, New Zealand did an Austroval. alien and took away all the guns. And they were, like, celebrated for it.

It is good what they did. But, you know, it was like a brutal fucking crime. Yeah, yeah. On Facebook Live, too. Yeah. I don't know. I have worse things on my Facebook feed, I think. Just open my comedy. It's just like, look, man, if it's between the end, like three hours of an open mic, I'm going to think about it.

Have you ever at a show? Have you ever gotten a vibe from an audience member? That they're going to shoot up the place. Yeah. Constantly. I stand by the door. Every fucking. There's one open mic or where's Joker face paint. And then he just like, he drinks like wine out of like a chalice. And I'm like, I don't feel safe around this guy ever. So I'll stand by the door. Oh, yeah, yeah. I thought we were under attack last night. Somebody's car backfired. And it kept happening overnight. And then like eventually

somebody told me they're like, like, I heard somebody outside talking and I go, oh, somebody's car is backfiring. I'm like, oh, okay. But I cheer like a big boom. And I'm like, I didn't think it was a gun necessarily. It's more like a bomb. I don't know what a bomb sound like, but I don't know what a bomb sounds like. So I hear a lot of noise. I immediately assume it's either a bomb. or somebody closing a door or something. I don't know. Somebody closing a door or a bomb. Yeah, that's not.

But you're a loud noise. Like the weird is like, yeah, I don't know. Or transformer exploding. I think that makes it similar noise to it. But I don't know what a bomb sounds like. So who would know? I assume it sounds like fireworks. Aren't they, aren't those kind of like mini bombs in a way?

Yeah. I mean, too much. Have you ever seen a video of like an air strike or something? No. No. I think if you're, all right, you get, don't look at my face. I think if you're like hearing a bomb, it's like

if it's like relevant if it's like close to you enough that it's like relevant you're not like hearing it over there it's like the sound is all around

you're like overwhelming problem yeah no I'm sure imagine it's like a bomb going off and you're like that's irrelevant yeah

although the idea be the bob is going off like in New Jersey or something like that which would be a weird place to bomb when New York's right here like people like on 9-11

who are like three buildings down when they like heard a plane crash and they were like did you guys did you hear something something weird they're like you're such a war

you're such a warrior you're such a warrior you imagine if they were aiming for Jersey. Yeah. Well, I think we all would have supported that, but that's a different. Hey, look, man, usually I don't support terrorism, but...

It's like, they edited it out of the black box recording of them being like, wait, this isn't Newark. Oh, my God. Dude, Newark is... I can finally fly out of New York now. I've been flying out of Newark this whole time. Why haven't you been able to? Oh.

Yeah, yeah, because of COVID... They didn't go to Florida? No, so they'll do that thing. Didn't they check up on Graham? They like came to his apartment to make sure he was quarantined. Hold on. Yes, they did. I do remember that.

But also I flew in from Florida multiple times. And it's like the first time I was like, oh, there's like guys in army uniforms. So I was like all scared. But the second I just walked past them. Yeah, yeah. And then when I didn't, when I gave them the sheet, I would just get like an automatic voicemail.

It's like, don't leave. Yeah. But one of our friends that came to his apartment, right? That was early on with that resources. No, there's like in December. how like, just like, just because of their out, their uniforms, you were like, at first, like, respecting their authority. Yeah, but in the second time I was like, I bet they're not going to stop me. Yeah, if you just don't respect it, then whatever it would be like, they're going to kill you.

They just be like, excuse me, sir. And I'm like, oh, I just totally forget that there were a line of army men standing in front of me. The thing is, I just realized recently how many people bring vapes, you could just bring vape pens through airport security and they just don't care about it. say is I'm like trying to find. Yeah, you can bring weed too. Like a guy smoking weed. That's what I've heard, yeah. I've never heard of anyone being stopped with weed in their bag. Yeah, neither have by it, but I know a ton

of people who've done it. That's just a pain in the ass for them. They got to like call, like, NYPD and they're like, they don't want to fucking do them. But they seem like they would want to do that, though. I think they don't like. They're there. I mean, dude, they're like it's like... Well, now it's like... What's the legality of, like, if you're flying from here to

like Colorado, but you're flying over states where it's not legal. Can you have, is it, if they were, like, stop you once you fly. If they were being, like, really anal about it, would they? But all they can, like, you can just be like, oh, well, I just have weed in New York. You know what I mean? You could just be like, oh, that wasn't my intent to break, like, prove that it was my intent to, like, deal drugs in Colorado. Yeah, but I just don't know if it's, like, because you're taking it through T.

I don't know if that's more of a crime because you're smuggling it on an airplane. Like, that's a weird, like, mule. But if they catch you at TSA, then you're not smuggling it on an airplane. Oh, that's true. You just have weed in your bag in New York. intention to smuggle or anything like that? I don't know, man. They're probably not gonna like...

I mean, I think you had to have a certain amount. Yeah. For intention to sell or whatever. He's fucking, you know. Quark cases cost shit. They're not like trying to like pay a prize. Like, this guy, two grams of weed.

Coke you're fucked though. You get caught with any amount of coke. It's like crazy. Can't even imagine. Yeah, for sure. I don't know somebody got caught like point two. Unless you're famous. Then they're like, just go back to where you were.

Yeah. Yeah. Then up to the stranger things guy. He like had like a little bit of cocaine and they're like, just go back to England. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know something I got out like point two And like they had to go on drug court for a year

Which isn't that crazy But they had to get like, they almost got a felony And they had to get like expunged It's like crazy. Damn, yeah Unless you're in like Oregon And then it's like you can do anything now right? I guess it's decriminalized?

Is it Oregon? That's where that is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's decriminalized and I think it's legalized It's just funny to get like a ticket for crack It's just like what it should be Like it's tenseively that's what I believe It's been not bad for so long and it's like

All right? And you have how many crack rocks there? Yeah. there's a weird argument that crack is not worse for you than cocaine. There's like a weird people that say it's propaganda to get black people thrown in jail more. I mean, I think that is true. But I don't know if like, it seems like smoking a crack rock would be way more intense. Well, don't think, like, think about it in terms of like the way that the penalties were organized.

So it's like knowing that like this thing that is like more prevalent in black communities, you need like much smaller concentrations of it to like go to jail for a similar amount of time. Yeah, yeah. But I'm saying I don't know if crack is actually worse for you. Yeah, I have no idea. Because also the skill... Do you want to take a bet on this and look it up? More deaths in the U.S.

How about we tested out by smoking crack? Just be like, this is what I'm getting more of like a balmy flavor. This is why I invite of both of you here. You're going to smoke crack. You're going to do blow. See who dies first. Yeah, well, that's the whole part with the U.S. drug, like, scheduling. It's so ridiculous because it's not based on what's more harmful.

Because, like, LSD, you're getting serious trouble for it, but it's, like, one of the least physically harmful to this. It's based on what is, like, proven medical use by the FDA. So ketamine, you get in less trouble for than acid. But I don't even know if that's true because weed is Schedule 1 and Coke is Schedule 2, but you'll get in more trouble for having cocaine. Yeah, because there's, oh, yeah, there is medical. They use it as, like, an aesthetic.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I don't know the answer for that. It's going to be so sick. They still use it as an anesthetic? Yeah, like, if you, like, fall off a motorcycle and, like, skin your face off, they'll give you, like, liquid cocaine to, like, drip on your head. It's like, silver linings, baby. It's like, man, that was awesome.

I'm so glad that happened. But now they're like trying to ban menthols, which I think is weird. I think that's the first step in like over the next 20 years they want to like have all nicotine products be illegal. It's so stupid. Why don't you let people do their thing? Well, I think from like at least like my friend will come back from Korea and have like grapefruit flavored cigarettes. Yeah. It's like, oh, you're just using that to get children addicted.

That's like what the point of that is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, also, like, having swisher sweets and menthol ban ban banned is kind of, like, wild. Biden's losing the black vote. That's what I'm saying. Just, I'm saying. Is it his thing?

Yeah, as their administration said they're going to ban menthol's and then sweet-flavored, like, I think it was sweet-flavored. Like, wraps and stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever actually smoked, like, a full swisher sweet? Only in, like, a one. As a swisher sweet, yes. Yeah.

Yeah, they're really gross. Yeah. They're not, it's not what you're supposed to do. What if that's why he's like, this shit's so fucking gross. I'm not smoking this shit. He's just like, Joe Biden comes out. He's like, just sell the raps. What do you do?

Yeah. But now it's just to end Van Menthol's. I think it's crazy. Isn't there also a place in California that you can't smoke cigarettes? Like, it's illegal to smoke cigarettes in that, like, county. I think it's like in public areas. No, no, no. There's one county in L.A.

that you literally are in California where you can't buy tobacco. Oh, fuck that, dude. Yeah. That's the thing. It's like, that's where it goes reversed. I'm like, I'm all four legalized. everything. But then when you're like, well, this is like, I'm like, well, then what do we do?

You know what I mean? It's like, my Adderall is orange flavored. You know what I mean? It's like, why is that, but you can't. Hey, my six-year-old won't take these drugs. It's like, you know what we'll do? We'll just make it flavored like candy. Oh, good. That'll be. It'll be a great lesson. Put it in the shape of a kangaroo. Yeah.

But it's also like, as an adult, you should be able to whatever fuck you want, you know what I mean? I'm like. Yeah. Well, can I ask how long have you been taking Adderall in your life since what age? So I was put on Ritalin first and third, grade and then I was put on Adderall in high school. But I switched and I was on Vivance in middle school. Damn, dude, third grade.

Yeah. That's hardcore. Yeah, I was fucking crushing it. I was, dude, I read through Harry Potter like nobody else. Just reading the Harold and Mudge. Oh, yeah. I'm like fucking shit. I was on Vivance when I was in high school and that was like way too intense.

Oh, yeah, yeah. 80 milligrams of Vivance. Yeah, Adderall is like the shorter acting more extreme. Yeah, yeah. But I like that because I could get it out of the way. So like I'd be in school like, and then go to bed later. Yeah, it'd be fine.

But Vibance keeps you up like all night. Yeah, brutal. Yeah. But I still think if you're in a doll, I mean, take whatever the fuck you want, you know what I mean? Like, I also, I don't think it's really gonna stop kids from jeweling or vaping.

Now they're just gonna be. Well, now they're just, I mean, are they acting against jewels? Because jewels are the things that every child does now, I feel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's so stupid. I still think all that's so stupid.

But did he actually, that always happened. Like, when the, it's like, I feel like he, like, sign, like, an executive order that was like, we're going to look into the possibility of banning these things, and then everyone does just forget about it. There's, like, some agency working on it. They're like eight years from now.

They'll be like, all right, we have the bill, you know? Yeah, except for, like, some place. I think there really is somewhere in California where you can't buy tobacco, and I'm like, and then they raise the age to 21. I don't know. I think that's all stable. But I think the age is 21 here for cigarettes. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And the fucking, the taxes on tobacco products here are so high in New York. Like, if you go anywhere else. Yeah, the proposition. Yeah, yeah. Like, I mean, you're Florida, you know, but like we were, I was driving through the South earlier this year. You could buy cigarettes in Virginia for like $4. Yeah, cigarettes are way cheaper in other places.

Well, I think there are like, and it makes, you know, it does correspond. I think in Kentucky or something, it's like over 50% of that state smoke cigarettes, you know. It's like so different than, you know, other places where I'm sure it's like a pretty small minority in New York ultimately of people who are smokers. Yeah. I mean, it's still bigger than like, I grew up on like Long Island. It's like nobody there smoked cigarettes. You see no one. Oh, no one there's smoked cigarettes.

I mean, you see people vaping, but you rarely see anyone smoking a cigarette. I really would have thought that people in Long Island smoke. Like other places, a little more, where I was. What town? North Shore, Port Washington. I always ask what town in Long Island? And I know, like, two of them. Yeah.

I do the same thing for Jersey. Yeah. People are like, oh, I'm from Brunswicksburg, and I'm like, I don't know what I shouldn't have asked. Where are you from? I'm from Atlanta. Oh, where? So you wouldn't have any idea. No, well, I got, like, my dad's from Queens, so I, like, visit his friends in Long Island

sometimes. Not really, not that often. All right. You smoke cigarettes in Atlanta? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like a kid and shit in college as well. Yeah. Yeah, I've been into the Zen pouches recently.

That's been my move. Oh, for real? Which just makes me feel like shit. I hate things that I keep doing and I don't know why because it doesn't improve my life at all. This is what's so stupid about, like, nicotine stuff, is people like, well, I have to have some version of it. It's like, don't do it for four days and you'll never think about it again. It's like the funny part.

Yeah, I don't know. No, I know, man. It's tough. There's some people that like, the withdrawals. I think the dip withdrawals are the worst from what I heard because you're getting such a concentrated dose of nicotine. So, like, I need some guy, he'd apparently on the floor, like, nauseous, like. This is, like, a grown-man out.

I was, like, on the floor, like, nauseous. Like, was throwing up for, like, days and stuff like that. I think that guy was withdrawing from heroin and was just telling his family. Hey, sorry, there's nicotine withdrawal. That's also the horror part of quitting. I have put a Zim pouch in. I just huff some keyboard.

Yeah. Makes it way better. Go get me seven pounds of crate him. Yeah. That's a funny part about quitting so many drugs at once is you don't know what the withdraws are from each. Like, I quit Adderall and Zana, or Adderon and Kalanipin at the same time. And I felt like weird things, like headaches and like ear things. I was like, I don't know what this is from.

I don't know if it's this or that. What's kind of in cities about nicotine is that like the withdrawal symptoms are so minor but so pervasive, where it's just like irritation and wanting to smoke are the withdrawal symptoms. Yeah, yeah. just like nagging and annoying, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also think it's like, what happens when we outlawed then, then it's like, then you have like,

I feel like you raise the tax on these, and then you have people selling loose cigarettes in the street and then getting choked by the police. You know what I mean? It's like, I think this leads to a worst problem. Like, if you think people aren't going to start selling backdoor, like, flavored, whose fault was that? Yeah, I don't really get.

I'm not saying. I'm not saying. Obviously, cops should not be choking random black people, but what I'm saying is like, I think it leads to the whole thing. It's like, the more you outlaw shit, it's just going to like, yeah, yeah. I feel you. It's just, you know, create more problems.

Like with Lucy's, it's like, it would take someone three hours to explain to me why that should be illegal in a way that I would actually give a shit. Like, you'd just be like, oh, it's like the tax revenue. It's like, oh, yeah, like, I get it. But to, like, actually, like, sit me down and be like, here's what you should, a guy at the cashier of a bodega should not be able to hand out one cigarette for $1.

I'll be like, there's, like, so many other things. Yeah, I really just. Yeah, yeah. It is funny. Are you talking about quitting cigarettes? Oh, like, I quit cigarettes like four or five years ago, but I still have like, I still bite my nails all the time. Like, I still have, like, the sort of oral fixation that makes me, like, want to do that.

You know what I mean? Even if I'm not, like, physically addicted to nicotine anymore. Yeah. I don't even, I don't like the feeling of after I smoke a cigarette. I don't like the sensation, but I like to have a thing to do. Yeah, for sure. It's like a huge, like, when I'm standing around, I get so antsy. I'm like, what I'm doing?

I was getting a point where I'd be, like, waking up in the morning and I'd be like, I have to go do this. You know what I mean? Yeah, I feel that. It's just like, it's been eight hours since I consumed. Negative. it. Yeah. That makes sense. Lost some steam there. I don't know what we're talking about next.

I don't really give a shit. Let's just talk about the racist things I've said on other podcasts and we'll correct what I said. I list old episodes and I'm like, because the only thing is you say something and immediately you're like, you don't have time to go back to what you said to correct it. So, yeah, I can't imagine being Amish, but the Rumspringer thing sounds fun. That's such a fucking scam

to just be like, hey, we'll let you go out and explain. We'll keep you absolutely. boxed up for your whole life. And then we'll give you one week that we designate as like go crazy. And then as like a teenager, it's like, all right. So is that what you want for your whole life? You want to come back to the safety of your family. You know what I mean?

But then also you could, yeah, yeah. I feel like they would purposely try to fuck it up. They would like, they're like, okay, make sure he fucks a prostitute that has a horrible disease. And then we'll make sure he gets like, we'll drug him with something horrible. And then he'll which immediately come back. If he fucked a prostitute that had a horrible disease, he'd only have the rest of Brumspringer to get medicated for it.

Yeah. Yeah, he just could have stockpiling penicillin. Yeah. And at the end, they're like, so I bet you want to stay in this life now. And he's like, I just want to get these warts off. We have an excellent corn poultice for that. Sounds like it doesn't work. But all right.

Yeah, just rub against this burlap sack. Shave him off. That was like a show, the Amish Mafia, right? Would they come and fuck people up or something? I don't know what the... Hey, I don't even... That was the thing, but it was just fake. They just make it...

Oh, really? Yeah, it's annoying. It's just like a reality. It's like, hey, let's make it. It's not based in fact. Yeah, exactly. It's not science. You've had

plenty of those experiences in your life, though. Like, they have a week to have a rum spring. Oh, I thought you were talking about partied. The Amish Mafia. Yeah, no. That's plenty of experiences.

We've all had our time with the Irish. We've all met the Amish, Big Ange. We've all tried to bring, we've all trying to bring Moonshine through Link. Castor County. We've been there. Come on, guys.

Oh, yeah, I've had... You're talking about me? Which is, like, when you're saying, like, the rum spring of sounds fun, it's like... For them, that's, like, the only experience you're ever going to get like that, but you've had plenty of those. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Disgusting piece of shit, yeah.

Yeah, so you're not, like, missing out. No, I wasn't jealous of all much people for... I just think it's cool that they have that fun. God, they have such cool haircuts. Yeah. I want to be a... I want to be a acidic Jew in Pennsylvania. Oh, my God, yeah.

So there's the Mennonites, which I don't know the difference between that. They're like a little less strict. Only they would be able, because it all has to do with like some fucking guy in the 1700s who told it. It's like all like, it's like, I don't fucking, I don't know anything about that. They would have to explain it to you. Yeah. My friend, I have a friend who went to school in Pennsylvania at Bucknell. And there was like a Mennonite community near his school.

And he said any time anyone had to go to the hospital, the waiting room would just be backed up. with Mennonites who are like they can like use modern medicine and shit. They just usually don't. But they'd be backing up the emergency room because none of them have insurance. So it would take the inch, like their rural Pennsylvania hospital would always be like a five hour emergency room wait. Another dumb fucking Ishmael got his foot crushed by a wagon wheel. Hold on.

Yeah, that sucks. I, uh, yeah, I don't envy those people. Oh, yeah. Do you think you would, if you were, rum springing? Do you think you'd stay out? Yeah, yeah. I think I... I don't know. I hate being told what to do, so if I could not

stay on like a day of Amish. But maybe that comes from the fact that I got a little bit of slack and I found out what it feels like to be able to do what you want, and then... You don't know if, like... Also, your family still talks to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like if you leave the Amish community, you like can't see your family or any of the people you get shunned. They just like, I don't know, what is shunned? Could you still, like, try to... Like, what happens if you're shunt?

Like, they'll try to avoid eye contact. But if they if you scream in their face enough, then they'll have to notice you. Well, that's not, like, satisfying social interaction, though. No, I know, but there's got to be one guy who just, like, goes back to his house, and he's like, no, I still live here,

you're motherfuckers. He's like, he's not violent. Just keep pushing him in the chest. You're not violent, I'm not. Takes his shit on the floor. He's like, try to ignore that. You want to pretend like that's not on the floor? You fucking idiots?

Every day. Yeah. They, apparently, like, I've heard stories on, like, a YouTube and shit of people that were shunned. And they'll, like, go and stand on their porch and their parent will like come and talk to them for five minutes, but they won't let them in the house.

You can't have dinner with us, any of that. But if you're like, if you were raised like in Scientology and then you left, like those people will ignore you in public. Like your parents will protect you. Yeah, they'll disconnect. Yeah, it's insane. Yeah, it's hardcore. Yeah, I've been to the church.

It's fucking fun. Do you want at Times Square? Yeah, we know everybody got hammered and went. Michael's technically a Scientologist. Yeah, yeah. I remember you had all that shit on your fridge in a... Oh, yeah, yeah. I wanted to fuck with one of my...

I didn't really know my... It's my first movie in New York, so I put Scientology pamphlets like all over the fridge. They were just taken down, but they didn't confront me about it. I just looked in there. They weren't there. Fucking passive-aggressive-aggressive-e workers. Right? But, no, it was so funny.

We went in there because I was so drunk. We were, like, drinking vodka slurpees from 7-Eleven. Not that. You got it. You get it. Yes, they don't sell that. How does this work? But we walked in, and it was so funny because they're just like, like, yeah, I'm not sure we have any time.

And my buddy's like, yo, he's a comedian. They're like, oh, really? They're like, oh, yeah, maybe we... A famous comedian. Yeah, like, yeah, you know, I'm pretty fucking big deal. And then they sat us down on these little chairs, which I think was the beginning of the process because we're sitting down on these, like, very small chairs,

watching this video, like, what is Scientology? They're like, science, the study, they're like, ology of knowing. Like, the study of knowing. And then shows this guy in, like, a button-down shirt at, like, the beach, and there's these waves, like, crashing behind him. We're very cool graphics, like, great cinematography. And they're like, do you want to be more? And then they're like, all right, and there's actually a meeting going on.

And so they sit us. They don't sit us. We're like, can we just stay in the back and watch? And we're in the back of this like 100, probably, probably 250-seater room while there's this video walk around. It's like, Elron Hubbard lived right here in New York City. You can be like, oh, that's cool. And then we left.

They try to scan our phones or something. They're like, do you want us to scan your phones? And you can watch this like, so you can get the Scientology app. And I was just like, no, no, thank you. Don't scan anything, actually. Wait, what was it? So what was the makeup? Who was in the big room?

room. White people? All white people? Were they shooting on... In those videos, were they shitting on other religions at all? No, that would be funny. They just have the most horrible propaganda of Jews. You're like, all right, this is

New York. Did Jesus do that? That would be funny. No, it was none of that. And it was just funny, too, because it was so great, because, like, the woman was, like, talking about she's like, El-on Hover is such a good science fiction novelist. Like, he's so good and make it up fake stories.

Yeah, that might be a sign. Did you, like, did you sign anything when you were in there? No, fuck no. Yeah, good. But I have thought about doing, like, a documentary where I go in as, like, a joke, but I know how that ends.

Well, they also... That would ruin your wife, it's not... It's not like they haven't thought. It's not like, what if someone were to come here and come in here and make fun of us? I feel like they have so many, like,

protocols for that. Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. You should be like, yeah, you know, I wanted to make fun of them, but I think I owe them $9,000? Yeah, I don't know how they turned into that, yeah. Have you seen the, you know, like, you know, Shen Yun? Yes.

You know, that's like a cult thing. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know about that? What's Shenyan? Shenyan is like a Chinese dancing. A thousand years of tradition, put into one two-hour show. Do you ever see the poster like around New York?

It's like a Chinese lady like doing a dance in the middle of the air? No. Sounds like my type of thing, though. If you saw one of these posters, you'd be like, oh, I see these every day. They're all over the place. Okay. And it's supposedly, like the Dave Smith guitar lessons? that's the other one.

It's kind of like that. It's like ubiquitous like that. And there's supposedly like, oh, it's like traditional Chinese dance. But that just isn't true. It isn't like traditional anything. It's based on this like religious group that started in the 20th century. That is a, so the thing, the group it's connected to, have you ever seen the Chinese, the people walking around like stop organ harvest, stop organ harvesting in China?

No. So I think they're called the Falloon Dong or the Falun Gong or something. And it's this group that is politically persecuted in China. And like their political prisoners are like subject to organ harvest. thing for like organ replacements of the prisoners and shit like that. But if you go to the show, you think you're going to see like, oh, like traditional Chinese dance, but it's like a lot of kind of modern dance and then like a bunch of like crazy anti-Marxist and like anti-evolutionary shit that they like dump on your hand.

If you look closely at the ads, like some of them on the subway will have reviews by people that definitely didn't say it. It'll be like dazzling Scarlet Johan. I do want to check it out, but yeah, it's a whole deal. Also, I feel like it's expensive. Yeah. I bet you'd be surprised. Chen Yen. I bet it would be less expensive than you think.

Yeah, it's true, because they're like, selling a huge fucking concert halls and shit, too. Oh, yeah. But yeah, I'm sure. Also, I'm sure it's pretty entertaining. I'm sure it's good dance and everything. Oh, yeah. Shenyang.

But it is fucked up, because they do, like, protest. It is, like, legitimate. But the guy, I remember looking it up at one point. The guy who was in charge of it thinks also, like, actually the type of shit that Michael would be into. It's like a lot of like aliens are involved in like our government and shit like that. Is it like American based? Yeah, because I think he is exiled to America.

Oh, okay. Oh, this looks fun. Have you not seen it? No, I think maybe I've seen it. I don't know. I can't tell. I like that looks like a wizard. That's cool.

I can't tell a, I'll be honest, it looks like every other Chinese thing I've ever seen. I know that sounds bad, but like that might just be the only picture of. I guess, well, now you have something to bring up on the next podcast. Yeah, yeah, correcting this. That's the thing about podcast it's like you say everything and then you go back later

and you're like, fuck you know, this would be my favorite show if every episode started with 10 minutes of apologies. I mean, to be like, I'm sorry I said

everything Chinese looks the same. Yeah, I mean, she's dancing, she's got cool clothes on. This looks fun. What, are there tickets?

How much is it? It's like being in heaven. How the fuck would you know what is like being in heaven. How's that a comparable thing? It's like, it's like, it's an event. What's also funny about that is like,

you just see that line. And then if you were to go and see it and there's like a graphic of like, like someone would say that evolution is like from the devil, he'd be like, why did Scarlett Johansson say this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, why did she?

What's going on with her? All right, well, if Scarlett's on board, I guess, I don't know. Are you guys, uh, you're not registered to vote in California, are you? No, registered to vote here. Oh, I want to register to vote here. Oh, I want to register to register

so I can vote for my hero, Kalyn. Oh, Kalenna, January, California? I'm pumped for that. I would vote for her. I don't care what her platforms are. I like how she's like anti, like, trans people. Yeah, well, she's not, oh, she's against the athlete thing.

Yeah, but she's playing in a ladies' golf tournament. Yeah. She's just a rich lady. The rules are different for me, okay? It's a little different. I guess that's, like, true equality, though. It's when you, like, she doesn't have to be the face of all trans people. She can just be like, I believe my own shit.

Yeah. And that people can be like, fuck that particular translating. Yeah, because I think everybody's on board. Just fuck her. Oh, yeah. She fucking killed somebody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's running against, because Gavin Newsom got recalled, is that right?

Yeah, yeah. And she's running in that election. That's hilarious. She's just like, I'm basically as charismatic as Arnold Schwarzenegger. She's so funny with the... Her at the roast was hilarious because that one rose, she's like, I can stand up here and get really cold by these people. And, you know what, I'm brave. And apparently every comedian.

like, no, they gave her a list of 30 things we couldn't say about her. She's like, we just could not bring up her killing somebody with her car. That was a really good impression. Thank you. Is it good? I've never heard her speak. Like, from my limited experience.

She's not like a little bit of toothache in her mouth. Yeah. She shared a fucking party. Where's it going, ladies? Fucking Caitlin Jenner this year. Have you seen those old family? We're going to share shit up with this fucking election. That's such a good impression.

That's crazy. Do you do that on stage? No, I don't know. Have you ever done that before? No. I'd rather not get up. blacklist for every fucking open mic. No, I just haven't thought of a bit about her.

I don't really know anything about her. I mean, okay, I know, I know she won the whatever in the 70s, I know, so I like, I know a lot of like individual facts about her, but she's never been like in my life as like a public figure. Yeah, she's like, she was a public figure in the 70s. Yeah. And then on like the Kardashians, which, you know, whatever. That was like a different part of the society.

But I was never into that particular dumb shit. So I just like never. Yeah. But she's also like, she's very conservative. Oh, yeah, yeah. Which is going to be funny hearing her. She's like, come on, maybe if you just followed the law, you want to get shot by the police. Not my fault.

14% of the population makes up for 50% of the crime. Okay, guys. She's just doing it. She just did a pet. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'd love to, like, walk into a doctor's office, and she's on TV. And she's like, although there are only 13% of the population.

Yeah. I just say the most racist shit. Oh, shit. She's like, listen, I don't want to live next to a Mexican. You? No, they're taking all the jobs. Has you heard of the great replacement theory? It's okay, guys.

This guy, Richard Spencer, has a lot of good ideas. She's like, part of my pride of being a transomers because I'm white, I knew I could, I don't know where that one's going. I immediately spit it out. I was like, I don't know where the fuck that. You can have a lot to apologize for the next one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's, I like that we have somebody that everybody can shit on no matter what. Yeah.

Does she still have her penis? I don't know. Went straight to his phone. That's like a big thing though is that you can't know that about someone now. You know what I mean? I'm also just no longer...

You're not supposed to ask anyone that. I am like for infight, I'm like no longer curious. Like when I first was like learning about like trans stuff I was like... But now we're just like, I don't know. Like people are like,

what the fuck do I'm with you on that? Yeah. I don't just don't give a shit. Yeah. You have, do you have a... I feel you have a great joke about trans stuff that I've seen you do on stage before.

I used to do one, like, way before COVID. Okay, yeah. I think I probably saw you like Old Midhouse or something. Yeah, yeah. Well, we'll just let the crowd imagine what it is. Oh, it's very offensive. No, it was pro-trans. Maybe, as far as you guys know.

Yeah, I don't think so. It says here, yes, Caitlin Jenner revealed surgery, but it's no one's business. She's keeping out of a shankering. She's, well, she has a billion dollars. She's probably gotten the best version of whatever there it is to do. Oh, I'm sure, yeah. But some of them still, like, some trans people still, like, want dicks. It makes sense because, like, I feel like the, yeah, I'm not going to get too into this because of my...

Well, she's out of my expertise. I have, like, nothing interesting to say about it. You know what I mean? Well, my friends and I were in our group chat a long time ago, we're, like, talking about her being trans. And whatever, for whatever reason, every time some would say, like, Bruce Jenner, it would auto-correct to gender. just not Bruce Jender. Do you remember the old family guy jokes about Bruce Jenner? Oh yeah.

Which he was still Bruce. Have you seen that? And then they like brought him back in an episode. They were like, we called it, dude. They were like, we were behind on the Trump stuff, but we were way ahead on the Kayla Jenner stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was watching one of the, I think Stewie was looking at one of the Kardashians

or one of the Jenner's, and he goes, I can't believe she came out of Bruce Jenner's vagina. Oh, yeah. And he goes, Bruce Jenner is a man. And Stu goes, no, she's a woman, a beautiful Dutch woman. Yeah, yeah, they had some early ones like that, yeah. I think she should have played Wonder Woman. That's...

I stand by that take. Probably be a better actress. Yeah. Y'all got a not a good actress? I haven't seen the movie. The movie, I was the only one that liked the movie. Like, everybody fucking hated one. That's not true.

It made a billion dollars. Yeah, but this many people liked it. People just watched it just the new Wonder Woman movie. Oh, like 1984. The new new one? Yeah, yeah. The old one... It was all right.

All of them were okay. Yeah, none of them are like... But also, like, I don't like that, like, some, now, just because there's good superhero movies, everybody has, everyone has to be good now. Everybody's like, well, this isn't as good as this. And I was like, there's no good superhero movies. We just, we just put ourselves. I disagree. The Dark Knight and Logan are their good movies. Sure, that's fun. But these are, we've let nerds take over our culture. Now we've got to be like, you're right. Robert Downey Jr. is like a very important figure. Iron Man's a hero to everybody. Don't get mad of me on the internet. I'm really sorry. These are all fucking perfect cinema. This is like where we're right. When I see a guy that's like, has like Robert Downey Jr. facial hair and shit, like Iron Man, that's like worse than Joker makeup. Yeah. That looks good on that one guy. Dude, you need to watch ancient aliens.

Every guy. Every ancient astronaut theorist, that's what they like to call themselves, has the Robert Downey Jr. thing and then Indiana Jones clothes. Like just archaeological things. And then just that like goate look that looks fucking nuts. It's like seeing someone with the Ryan. And their mom opens the door halfway through the recording. You want snacks? Get out of it.

Shut the am I'm saving the fucking world. Cut the cross off the sandwich. I told you. It's like seeing someone with the Ryan Gosling jacket from Drive. It's like, bro, there's a time. You don't have his face. It's not going to work for you, man. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's why I try to dress in my lane. Besides, Memorial Day is coming by, and I am doing cornrows and a mustache. I'm just, I'm growing my hair. I don't know the minimum length for cornrows. Do you know?

You have longer hair. I bet it's a little longer than what you got. Yeah, yeah. But I think I can get it before your length, right? like I think maybe like a little... Oh yeah, you don't need to go. In 30 days, I think I can have that. I bet, yeah.

I'm looking forward to just... Just a black woman working in like a hair salon just rolling her eyes to the back of her head. When you were... Excuse me, could I have corned us? I'm just gonna have... I'm just gonna have... I'm gonna have refraud.

It's for a bit. Your culture is a bit to me. Yeah. I get it's your culture, so I came here, but I mean, it's gonna be very funny. Yeah. It'll pay off. Then your girlfriend doesn't keep the mustache for too long.

No, she hates it. That's very funny. But that's why Memorial Day, I'm going to Florida. She's not coming with me. So I'm going to get the big old

mustache. Cornrose, maybe get a fake necktant or something. That could be fun. Yeah, dude. Riffraff style. Dude,

Riffraff is my hero. He got M-Tude and we all forgot about it. And that's how it should be. How did me Tute? Yeah, he wasn't. I mean, he just looks like to. How you get M-Tude?

These broads yap. That's what happens. How it happens to anybody. But it's just like it. I don't know. His, I think his dog died. I think that was different.

I don't know. A little girl, I think she was six. He, like, went into a kindergarten. Who knows? The details, who knows? It's not important. Come on, guys. He's everyone's favorite.

Riff, ref. He's fun. Joda Harola. I do like the song Time goes by. Time. I love all of his music. And I love just his personality. Like, him and Theo Vaughn doing a podcast together is the funniest thing,

because they both just sound ridiculous talking. And they're like, yeah. But I like, yeah, I don't know. There's weird theories about how, like, riffraff. I don't know. Him as a kid looks very... I don't know where I'm...

I start so many sentences and I'm like, I have no idea where this. Riff Raff as a kid. I don't know if you'd know this. He wasn't born with the cornrows. He got that neck tattoo when he's like later or like when he was like nine or something.

I'm sorry. It's just funny when it's his sexual assault and the picture is him wearing his snowboarding sun goggles. Just like that. Oh my God. could you imagine him and try? I was like, nah, I didn't fuck that bitch.

It was not, I don't even know these hoes out here. If you got all proper for Courtney, like got his hair and he was wearing as soon he was like, my name is, uh, uh, riff, Fantaculous Raff. I swear on the Holy Bible to tell the truth today. I would suck to be his lawyer and you're like, can you just like,

just like, take the hair out or something? No, it's who I am. He shows up in like a blue tuxedo and I'm like, whatever. Oh man, honestly, it's better than I expected. dude I was just think about this

ever since we were talking about Robert Danny Jr. He like Robert Downey Jr., great actor, he's so annoying on podcast though. Every fucking actor, you hear him talking

but he's like acting you know, it's like, and then whenever they say it's like... Actors are the worst. Oh my God, dude,

I want to stick a gun on. It's horrible. Like hear him talk about stuff. Him and Russell Brand are the most pretentious people to talk about anything. Russell Brand's got that voice though. No,

I like them as like actors and I enjoy them as people but like, but just being British I'll give you like a way higher. Like, he's just like, yeah, the thing is, yeah, when you get into character, you got all like really think about it. You're like, yeah, you do really got to think about it. I feel you.

If you're like, yeah, the type of British where you say F instead of T.H. Yeah, I'm just like, this guy's smart. I like that more, though. I like the cocky cockney more than like proper British. That's cool. Yeah, cockney. Stick my cocaine, bam. I don't know. They're always saying stuff like that. Yeah. That's all. They're always just,

banging people in the ass. I think of an Obama. Did you ever watch the In-Betweens? No. Oh, dude. That show is so funny. You got to watch it. It's literally just like all just like teenage boys just like calling each other gay.

Like saying they're going to finger each other's mouths. It's great stuff. Yeah. That guy was in a. Yeah. Trying to get some gish. What's up, Bendes? They call each other benders.

Yeah. That show is so funny. Yeah, it's really good. I think they made an American version. They probably sucked. Oh, yeah, for sure. Who's a, that guy. the one who played the whole, I think Jay,

the really skinny one. He was in the Andy Sandberg movie. It's like fun when you see like an actor like pop up and something else. Where you have like a relationship from this thing that not everybody watched and like, hey, he's fucking working, you know? Part of what I loved about that show is like, like if they made an American version of that show, I bet

all of those characters would be like even a little bit attractive. Yeah, yeah. Those were like the ugliest three dudes. They just look British. Yeah, they're just like, they're just like, British people look like. Especially Jay, just like busted. Yeah. He's an ugly.

English man. Don't people think that's because of inbreeding over there? That why... We're stuck on this island. Yeah. Yeah, probably. America's very sexy because we're mixing cultures. I mean, even inbred people can get braces. Yeah. It's not... It's not. Stop with it from that.

It's my jeans. You can pay to fix your jeans. I love the riff-haff thing. My favorite thing is he one time was like, I'm going to quit doing all drugs for a month because y'all think I'm just crazy because I'm on drugs. He's like, I'm just crazy because I'm fucking crazy. And then he was just crazy. not on drugs for like a month.

You're crazy because you've been doing drugs for 30 years. Yeah, just wear off. Yeah. I saw him in concert. Best stage presence. Fucking him and some 41. The two best concerts I've ever seen in my life. Doesn't riffraff just not even...

Doesn't he just play the music with lyrics? Yeah, but he fucking goes out there and he... He's like his own hype man. Yes, he's like... And it was the best. I saw him in the music best library. He's like, we don't know where riffraff is right now. He came on like an hour and a half late.

And he just comes in fucking purple. braids just tears it up. Same with Sum 41. They didn't do the same thing, but I've seen Robert Plant live, I've seen the Rolling Stones live, some 41 riffraff, best concerts ever. With Sun 41, it's just like, I'm just picturing, just like guys in their 40s,

just like pounding four logos before they go on. It's just like, we had the original four logos still. And it's like, oh man, it's like the one thing you have a hookup on, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, it was bad. There was definitely a lot of grown men with Mohawks and such. I mean, I still will listen to Sum 41, one unironically, like in the gym. Yeah, yeah.

It's just like fucking fat lips tight, into deep is sick. I just, uh, I fucking like, I grew up liking garbage music and I still like it sometimes. Yeah. My favorite is I knew somebody that worked in a liquor store and you know how in fat lip they're like, they're like, they talked to say my mom should have had an abortion, abortion.

A great line. Poetry. Because one of them is one part of the audience. You know how your headphones if one's out, there's different sounds going in. Sterea. Yeah. So that happened with the, uh, the two speakers they had. So apparently in the liquor store, when that song I'll play,

just go, abortion, abortion, abortion. abortion, abortion. You just went here and the other part of it. It missed the doctor said my mom should have said, my mom should have. That rules. I always get weird about, do you ever like get worried about your headphones and like

what music's playing? I always worry that like this is a crazy fear I have, but I have worried that the rap music that says the N-word, people will hear it and think that I said it. Maybe it's a crazy fear. No, I get that fear all the time. I also get the fear that like... Hold on. Do you get that fear all the time? Not that specific.

That was crazy what he just said. I get the fear that if the sound in my headphones is a little weird, I'm like, oh, shit, they're not plugged in. And my phone is just playing music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, you know, I've listened to, like, I have, like, Creedens Clearwater Revival and shit on my phone. And, like, they have a song that's just called Cottonfields.

Yeah, and it's like, that's not your thing to sing. Like you're just standing in line just going, Cotton Fields. Yeah. Cotton fields. Abortion, abortion. Abortion. Yeah, it's tough. I always thought, I've made a sketch about it, but I really like the idea.

Headphones that play something into your ear, but then play other music going outwards. So it's playing like some hood rat shit or like some tough music playing out, but in your head you can listen to Madonna, whatever you really want to let's do. I love Madonna. I like that song. You're a bandana?

I like it. I like a prayer. It's about sucking dick. That's the gay one. Yeah. Yeah, the rest of them are cool. My Madonna song isn't gay. Yeah, no. That's right.

Yeah. She got a... I remember she did something at like a music festival where she told everybody she's like, is everybody looking for Molly out there? And then Dead Mouse got like really mad at her. And he's like,

you really shouldn't be influencing kids to do drugs at these EDM concerts. Like, dude, suck my dick. You're like, what a fucking... Dead Mouse said that? You're like a giant pussy. No one's been to a dead mouse concert, not on Molly.

In the mouse helmet? Listen, no, don't be influencing children. Lips it up. for a second. Hey, guys, it's not Dead Mouse right now. It's Chet. And Chet wants to tell you that it's not okay to do these things, all right? Yeah. All right. Blah, blah, blah. Yo, fuck,

Chet. Yeah, Chet sucks. Bring back Dead Mouse. How many people you think are just, that's just so nuts to me. I'm like, you don't have to be an influence to kids, especially at an EDM concert. Like, come on. Do you really think? Oh, yeah. Like, you're not, no one is listening to the message. I saw him on a ton of bath salts and it was cool.

You took bath salts? Yeah, come on. Oh, we're. Multiple times. What was that? What's that like? It's like you think you're buying Molly and then you test it. It's bath salts. What happened was some guy, yeah, that's what it is. It was so funny the way it happened

because this dude hops into my car and my buddy's like, yo, this guy's got the best shit in town. And then the guy has like face hats and I'm like, this is going to be great. And I test it and it's bath salts. And I was like, this is bath salts. He goes, yeah, I could have told you that before I showed up here. I was like, what?

And he goes, dude, you're not going to get pure Molly in Orlando. I didn't drive out here for fucking nothing. So what is going on here? And then he just has face tats, and I'm like, guess we're doing bass salt, cheers. A hundred bucks. And then I smuggled it into Bonnaroo. I either taped it to my balls or put it into my asshole.

I don't remember which one. I think you remember. I've quit drugs of my ass multiple times, but never this. I don't remember which if it was my balls or my ass. And yeah, then we just took a bunch of it, went to Dead Mouse. Too speedy. It was like, we were just like, I have a couple questions. Well, first I have a statement.

One, I think it's funny people who are like basholes are bad for you. it's like, did you think MDMA was, like, good for you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When it says Basseltz, does it say, because Bassolts is just like a general term. Yeah, so to say specifically? Well, it's four drugs. So, they're synthetic cathenees.

There's BK.MDMA, MDPV, which is something crazy. And then there's, like, a couple other ones. But you assume it's BKMDMA, but I don't think it was. Because BKMDMA normally the last two hours. This is like five hours of like, and one of our friends of somebody comes into the mosh pit, he's like,

like Dead Mouse is coming on. He's like Bobbyside. He goes, yeah. And he goes, I can't do this. He just walks out because he was freaking out so much. He's like, this is too intense. We're literally like the second Dead Mouse gets on stage. He's like, yeah, guys, I got to go.

I'm sorry. There's a scary mouse up there. I don't like this. I went to go take a piss, and there's some guy in a giraffe concert. And I'm like rolling face. And this dude's wearing like a giraffe costume. He goes, is this a multi-species bathroom? And I'm like, I guess.

And he's like, cool, cool, cool, it just takes a piss. Can you not ask questions like that that make me, revalued my whole reality? Is rolling the term for bath salts also? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah. I guess if you thought

you were getting Molly, you're like, I'm rolling no matter what. Whatever happens tonight is rolling. People say that with meth too. It's so funny. I know a lot of people that be like, dude, meth has the purest role.

They're like, it's really better than Molly. I hear a lot of people say that. They're like, it's really clean. It's very clean high, apparently. I'm like, I guess. Fix my vacuum cleaner. Yeah. I live in the whole house.

It's a good vibe. Yeah. But, um, I don't know why that's always just so funny to me that, yeah, nobody knows what they're getting, and everybody's so confident in what they get. It's like, oh, no, this guy sells good stuff. Why? Because I met him through my worst friend. Yeah, exactly. What's the funny part two is I love how cocaine is so widely accepted and is one of the physically worst drugs for you. Like, everybody's like, dude, I would never touch whippets, but I'll put this stuff that's cut with gasoline directly into my nose after like so many people die.

Also, yeah, that came from like vicious warlords in Columbus. I don't think you should buy from Trader Joe's because of their branding, but I do cocaine sometimes that came from a child whose hand got chapped off. Yeah, it's nuts. See, I'm getting American-made nitrous oxide that I am huffing. That's made in a lamp, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's fucking crazy, man.

But it is funny because I also don't know anybody whose cocaine life's really ruined. Like, I know it definitely gets a dip, and, like, your life goes worse in quality. But I feel like most people, like, I don't know, I feel like it's quittable compared to, like, alcohol and heroin seem, like, really, like. Well, this is a funny thing. Actually, I read something about this. It was a while ago that I saw it, but it was, I think it was part of this sort of bigger article that was in the Atlantic. That was just sort of about, like, how Alcoholics Anonymous is like this sort of predominant, like, sobriety thing because it came first.

But that it isn't, like, the most, like, based in science. And it was based on all these assumptions that, like, predated applying the scientific method to this type of thing. And one of the things was most people who do cocaine, who were even, like, addicted to cocaine by, like, the medical, like, definition of that, it just, like, works itself. out in like however many years. And you hope you don't get like fucking arrested or killed over the course of it, but it's not necessarily something that needs interventional ruins your life all the time. Yeah. Yeah. I think, yeah.

Crack may be a little different. But that's the hard part. Then we go back. Well, because these things get tied into like, it's like there is like the drug itself, but then it gets tied into like the sort of the political and the economic crisis. Oh, yeah. You get arrested for being addicted to it. That will ruin your life, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'll probably never ever do cocaine just because like, I don't. Because you're gay. Yeah. Bitch. I'm just like that. I don't know.

I just keep kissing guys in the lips. I don't know. I'll, like, pretend to do it. I'm like, oh, no, boys. That'd be so funny. If somebody thought Coke, like, impaired your judgment, they're like, dude, I did coke. I fucked, like, nine dudes last night.

I don't know. I was really taking advantage of it. You're like, no, that actually enhances your decision. Yeah. I barely knew what was going on. No, you knew, like, very much what was going on. Yeah. Yeah.

it's also like it's very it's interesting that my favorite story is I was talking to a gay friend and he was saying that like apparently the word T means meth and like grinder talk for some reason and he acts like meth yes he accidentally capitalized T and this dude just brought over a bag of crystal meth and he's like oh that was an accident I meant to say like what's up with a lowercase T and the guy just brought over

I think people take because you can like fuck forever on it yeah yeah which is so weird because an Adderall does the opposite like it's so hard to get hard on Adderall but once you get it like you just never come Yeah, that's a good point. So maybe that's the appeal to smoking crystal math. What's the appeal of never coming? Because you just get to fuck all day.

I guess. Yeah, but then I think coming is the best part. Yeah, how long do you want to really go for it? That's a good point. I'm kind of chafing. Are you like that? Would you prefer to fuck for 45 minutes? I don't know.

I'm also just like, dude, people are like so inventive with this stuff. I'm like, man, it's nice to be able to have sex. You know what I mean? It's like, people like, guys, let's remember what we're doing. People hit these levels where it's like, you gotta like, oh, there's a guy, you got to incorporate all sorts of different things. It's like, that's what happened. That's my theory about what happened to Army Hammer. It's just like, he was like too hot and like two on top of the world. So then like he's like, I gotta start eating bitches or something.

This is like getting banging supermodels is getting boring. Do you imagine saying that sentence? There's a story about, um, no, no, I can't imagine that. Yeah. I can't imagine that because I have a girlfriend. So I can't even. Because I'm in love. Yeah, fucking pigs.

There's a, like a Reddit thread of people who have had sex with celebrities. They're just like telling stories about it. And there's one that my friends and I reference all the time about Derek Jeter. And then after they had sex, she like goes to the bathroom and like pisses or whatever. Then when she comes out of the bathroom, he's on all fours on the bed and like his asshole facing her. And he just, he just goes to eat my asshole. And then in the Reddit thread, she's like, and I did. and then he gave her like assigned something memorabilia and that was it.

He gave her a baseball. It's like, you imagine like you're at that level. You're just like, I don't know. What else is it going to take? Like, well,

she eat my asshole if I just say that. You're my number one fan. Oh my God, dude, can you imagine? Stay active, champ. So think about when you're like going out to fuck or you're like,

I got to bring like condoms and like keys in my wallet and stuff. He's like, oh, I got to bring that like frame picture of me. between second and third because I gotta give that to her afterwards. I know Drake had a very funny one where there was a stripper

who was like talking about how like Drake had her eat his asshole and I guess he was like giggling or something like that well the whole story is him just like loving it or something like that. Let me pull it up real quick then we'll close out

but I want to read this real quick. Tonight I think I'm probably just gonna go I mean I might come hang out of the bear if stuff's going on. I definitely want to go hang out somewhere. We just, Michael, I told you we booked our show at Solus So now we're all, we're booked up on there.

We're going to be going on May 26th. I didn't realize this was your podcast where you promote your stuff. Is that what's going on? I think I just said, promote your stuff. That's awesome. Hey, man, eat my asshole. It's a great venue, though. I do like the venue a lot.

Yeah. We're also like selling tickets for it. Are we going to get trouble for that? No, it's totally legal now. Hell yeah, dude. I have no idea what the laws are anymore. He was laying there on the bed with his leg spread, and my face in his butt and his leg's shaking.

Michael's reading from his diary right now. Yeah, this is unrelated to Drake thing. We're even supposed to look that up. Yeah, you guys promote your Instagram. I got to go get vaccinated. Is there something I should prepare? No, honestly, the first shot, when I got the first shot, the actual shot didn't hurt at all.

Just bring your ID and shit. Can I go with like a fake arm and not really get the vaccine? They still give me credit. Oh, wait a second. It's like clearly a different. Do you have a... It's like a mannequin hand? They're like residency requirements, right?

Do you have like your shit to prove that you live here? My license. Oh, you have a New York license? Yeah. Oh, then you're good. The Jaffet Center. Nice. Really?

Oh, did you get it earlier? Oh, interesting. Yeah. Just walk right in, sat right down. Yeah, yeah, that sounds, yeah. I did, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we don't have...

We're working here. But it's also, do I have some... Do I have some level of immunity after the first dose? Yeah. Oh, fuck yet. Dude, I'm gonna be such a dick, bro. I'm gonna be fucking... That's why I'm not...

The bar. Yeah, yeah. What you see me. You didn't get your second. second yet, did you? No, but I'm like, the doctor was like, you're essentially fully vaccinated. Yeah, yeah. Because you had COVID very recently. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So I was like, all right, but I'm still going to get the second one. I don't remember who had the antibodies for nine months afterwards. Which is crazy, yeah. That is nuts. But we're going to wrap it up. We're going to find you online? Instagram, Jake Timothy. That's it. I'm on Instagram, Jason David, comedy, and on Twitter, Jason D. Comedy. And you can also,

me and my girlfriend have a sketch group, just roommates comedy. Thank you. And stay tuned for next episode. I'm going to be going through the offensive stuff I said here and I'm trying to figure it out. There's a lot. I think it's too bad. All right. See you guys.