Morning Good - Delusions of Grandeur - Episode 247

Episode Date: December 1, 2024

Preston Canavan joins the show for the first time from Orlando, Florida. He and Michael talk about the Penguin HBO show, Michael's rules for love, and going to rehab for ADHD medication.Thanks to Preston for joining the show for the first time. Catch him on shows all around the state of Florida and follow him at the links below for more.Preston is on Instagram @prestoncanavan and YouTube @prestoncanavan. He's also got upcoming shows in Orlando, St. Pete, Kissimmee, Melbourne, St. Cloud and more, so make sure to follow him to stay in touch.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, yeah. Welcome to morning. I don't know. I did crush some of my mom's energy drinks. Okay, this is, we're here with Preston Canavan. What's good?

Canavan? Canavan. Can a car? Wait, can't. Does anybody ever call you Cantavan? No, only when I'm depressed. Depressed in Cantavan. Yeah. I like, there's a really good shirt I saw one time. I used to this open mic at this all-black restaurant.

Not like they didn't kick you out if you're white. Yeah, yeah. But they did have only whites working there, which is kind of very funny. Hey, well, yeah. You got to employ those whites. Exactly. So it's just whites serving black people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what's up. Yeah. And they make them do the accents. They make them be like, I beth be bringing you your food. They're like, shut up. Yeah, that's really intense. And obviously, no tips, but yeah. No, yeah, yeah.

But it was like, dude, it's so funny because they had like this shirt. It says like, it's African, not Afrikan. They had like a big, I'm like, tell me, I'm like, so sick if I, I don't know. I always want to wear. Optimism. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Black people's stuff. Can you, uh, real quick, can you hold higher here? Yeah, yeah. Perfect. Yeah, that's all you got wobbly on there. What's it? Does he get wobbly?

Does it like, Papa? Yeah. By the way, there's just hours of me saying this on the, Yeah, people comment, they're like, Michael, hold the microphone, higher, good. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. But, um, dude, I almost didn't get an episode out this week. So this is a, you're lucky for this one.

Happy to be here, right? Yeah, yeah. Not you lucky. They're lucky. You're, you're a treat. You were, by the way, popular demand. Stop. Yeah.

In the comments of one of your pictures, someone's like, you got to get them on the morning good podcast. I'm like, oh, this guy was really funny. Yeah. I remember you crushing one time. There was this open mic, this place called the Falcon. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, by the way, people don't know, we're in my dad. office conference room doing in a podcast in Orlando, Florida. But one time I dude, I was in a, it was at the Falcon, which if people, nobody know. I'm like for the people that don't know about the Falcon opened on Tuesdays in Orlando

Florida. You guys don't know about this? It's very popular. There's poetry. There's depression. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's everything. But there was a dude, there was one where it was like the microphone broke so you had to use like a megaphone. Oh my God. Yeah. And you, I remember you're just killing with a

megaphone. I don't remember that at all. How long ago was it? It was like 2018? Six years ago or something like that. Yeah, I have no recollection of that. You were just doing great with a megaphone and then I was like, oh, okay, this is doable. And I just bombed with a megaphone.

And then there's nothing more stupid than like speaking into a megaphone and like bombing hard because you look like you're saying something important with the megaphone. Yeah. The more effort that you put into being heard and the more expectations there are, the worst it feels when you bomb. Like, for a while, I was dressing up in a suit and then doing stuff with a keyboard. And there was one time where I was following Donald Evans, you know, Donald Evans. Yeah, like Florida's funniest last year or something.

He's funny, funny, funny, funny, like a couple years ago. Your Florida's funny is this year or some of finals? I'm in the finals right now. Okay. But Donald Evans is scary good. I think we know who's going to win. I don't think I'm going to win. Those guys are really funny.

I watched him. I was like, there's no way I'm getting to the final. Who are you going against? It's Chris Machado, Scott Bird, Abso, Cedicke. Chris is Hispanic question mark Scott is old white

Absar is Do you know which country he's from? No I want to say Pakistan Okay You burped It's more offensive than getting it wrong

You burped in the middle You're like Beck of Brass I was trying not to throw up No And then This guy Dylan It was really funny

I think from Tampa I don't know So no black guys Oh no black guys No but They have to do the East Coast. They have to do the East Coast as well. This is just the West Coast.

So there's six of us, and then there's going to be five more. Five to six more. There weren't supposed to be six, but apparently someone else did so good that they had to have them on. Oh, dang. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. We're going to see, bro. We'll see, man. You're going to win. This is a... I can't believe I made it this far. I'm grateful already. I do.

I always... People don't understand comedy competitions. Like, I have never gotten anywhere in a comedy competition. Like, I'm not even kidding. Yeah. First round. I mean, I've won, like, rose battles. But, like, first round of any comedy competition,

because people don't understand how it works. It's like, the audience will just watch the show, and then there's, sometimes there's just an old guy they love or somebody that has, like, a schick. So, like, somebody could come out and he'll throw a paper airplanes in the audience that, like, you know, they say something crazy on there, and then they'll be like, that is the guy I'm voting for.

So it's all, like, audience vote-based. So, yeah. This one, there are judges. They're judges in the back row, and half of them aren't even comedians. really yeah there were like people who just work at fox they judges of characters you have like a priest and like a police officer there's a judge

how about that Florida's most moral comedian finally that's what the people want yeah New York has comedians to watch and then somebody made a list of racist comedians once and I was like what about the list of racist comedians to watch yeah and then maybe how about

the Forbes most racist The 30 most Raised comedians under 30. Or maybe like, how about New York's most perverted comedians to watch out for? Perfect.

Yeah, just to keep an eye, you know. Yeah, stay safe around these comedians. If you do go see this comic, wear two belts, you know? Make sure. That's what's going to stop at two belts? Yeah, listen, I'll get through that first belt. I'm like, ah, forget it.

Yeah. Another belt. No. I'll pick some easier prey. You go for the sick gazelle. You don't go for the one with two belts on. You know what? That is very fascinating because I was talking to me else with this.

Like, as a single guy, I'm not raping, by the way. I have to say that every quick disclosure. It's funny. I have like a pedophile joke now. And like, I have to start by just being like, I would never fuck a child. Why do I have to say that? You don't. Fuck the kid.

Yeah. Why are you lying? There should be a given. information, but well, it's like when you're single, you're like, you're like,

sometimes if you're talking to like a group of girls, you're like, that one's cute, but this one seems easier. You normally, like I will go normally with the one that seems easier

or more fun. Gizel shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For real. But I wonder if, like, predators do the same way where they're like,

this one's not as hot, but she's in a wheelchair. So like, this one looks hungry, but look how slow it is. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. No, I have a bad thing with dating

where I just say yes to people who like me. that's my whole thing. I don't perute. I don't shop. I just, I'm like a spider. I'm in my web.

And if something gets caught, I go for it. I'm like, yeah. See, I'm the opposite. I just have delusions of grandeur. Yeah.

I'm literally like, dude, fucking manzanis winning in the band bar. Yeah, I'd be fine. Like, I just had these things that are not accurate.

I got rejected like four times this weekend. But in my mind, I'm like, yeah, you know, it's just a logistical. It's numbers.

Yeah. Shoot for the moon and you'll land amongst the horse, you know? It's true. But it is so funny because it's like, if a woman watch you getting rejected, she's like, what a loser.

But you're also like, no, no, I'm just brave enough to get, to not care. It's like being shameless is courageous. It should be, yeah.

And it's going to work out. It's definitely going to click one. I'm wearing this on my ring for him. I'm not married. Yeah, it should click at some point. It's a numbers game, they all say,

you know, at the end of the day, a woman who likes you will just pick you. And at least this is, how it's worked for me. You know, you just lie back and when someone picks you, it's like, oh, this person is trying really hard to sleep with me, you know what I mean? Right. I've never

had success the other way. I've never been able to convince someone to sleep with me. Really? Yeah, I've never even really tried, I guess, but every time I do try, I'm like, I'm throwing it all out there. I'm too uncomfortable. My game is off, you know? I'm a great open or bad closer. Like, I'll always do this stupid mistake where, like, like, for example, Friday, I was just talking

to a bunch of different women at this house party, and I'm like, oh, what I'll do is, like, I'll figure out which one's like the most option for me to like pursue further. Okay. But then you turn around and the first one you're talking to is talking to another guy. Yeah. She leaves the guy and then this like it always just goes 10 different ways. I'm really good at like introductory talking dates.

I'm fine because it's kind of like I don't know. I have one person to like talk to and like pursue. But the other way around it's like I'm not too. I'm not playing games but I'm just like trying to I'm really trying to figure out who would have sex with me. The most. Right. I'm not.

The most. I'm not. I'm not going like, oh my God, this, it's like, don't get me wrong. Like if two women are like, we both want to have sex with you, and one of us is an astronaut, and one of us, I don't know, punches orphans, I don't know, which one wants to have sex with me. I mean, it's like, I care a little bit. I care a little bit. I'd be like, oh, this is so cool.

This is an astronaut. Like, I want to get to know this person. But she's never home. That's true. The orphan puncher will always be home. yeah yeah but it's where the 60 words like the thing is like and she's great with kids yeah that's true yeah yeah yeah our kids will be disciplined yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah well it's like yeah there's a thing with like fucking uh like

like i will i really don't care about personality for the first time i hook up with somebody sure i will not hang out with them again if they suck like that will be like a deterrent with like i love this is turning into michael good's rules for pussy love like look you want to get to my heart ladies whoever's listened to the morning good podcast. I know you're in love with me. But it's like I would hang out, hook up with somebody. But the first, if I'm just, the first time I'm meeting somebody, I'm like, am I going to have, like,

you know, what's this deal? And then it's like, the second or third time, and it's like, oh, okay, well, I don't want to hang out with you if you're, like, a total bitch or whatever. Sure. But you could be, like, you could be so bad on it. You can be, like, fucking a total bitch. You could say the dumbest shit I've ever heard. No. I banked one chick. It was so sweet. She doesn't follow me in the answer. I can say this.

I went on a date with her. This was like, right, when Israel-Palestine was starting. And she's like, you're not Jewish, argue, that'd be like a huge red flag. That's crazy. I was like, yeah, it was just super anti-Semitic, right?

Jesus Christ. And then she's like, yeah, I'm just saying. And I'm like, that is, I had to be like, that is bad. Yeah. I think I had sex with that girl

for like three months. But like, till they got the leader. Yeah, yeah, but if it came down to like, fucking like, like, like her or somebody else,

I'd rather hang out with somebody that's cooler. Like, now I'm trying to be more picky. Now I got out of relationship. I'm like, I want to look up with somebody that I like would want to hang out with outside of hooking up with. Yeah, yeah. That's, I think the whole thing. I feel like I'm so bad at just hookup sex. I have to have like a girlfriend for a handful of months to feel any type of connection, have any type of meaningful, like fulfilling sex. Really? Yeah, I'm real bad at like a one night stand. I don't think I can swing it proper. Like I, uh... People say you're bad at it. I don't think it's like a good or bad. It's like a person out.

Like, I'm not cut out for it. I, like, I'm not cut out for it. I can't perform sex as it should be performed with someone that I just met. Have you tried watching like, you know, reading on Quora or like watching just porn like how to have meaningless sex and make it meaningful? Yeah. I would have not be connected with someone at all and feel connected. Like, it's just not what I'm craving, I think. I like the orgasm I could do it at home without getting sweaty, you know. You just picture your ex-girlfriend watching in the corner and you say, this is what I would do if we were still together. Yeah. The girl I'm fucking is like, why do you keep turning around and

saying fuck you to that chair. That'd be more meaningful between me and my ex and it would be between the person I'm fucking right. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah. I really like the, uh, I think I want a wife too. I really want like some type of stability. It's so funny.

We're just going such different places. Well, it's like I... In my mind, I'm like, look, I'm just going so far and I'm like, will I ever... Like, I'm like so... I'm on fucking this. villain arc, Michael. I feel that, though.

There's things to be learned there. That's why we're in an office right now. We're in my dad's office, and we look like, we look like villains. We look like we're plotting to take over Gopitha. It's kind of saying, this is giving like Joker colors, the red and green.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Are you watching the penguin? No. Is it good? Don't. It's bad. The acting's good. But the,

I've been lying to a couple people saying I like it. Just a film cultured, yeah. Yeah, yeah. One of my buddies, we had a long car ride. And I really liked the guy, and I was like, I don't know. I just don't want to be like, I fucking hate this show

because he's like, have you watched the penguin? It's really good. And you can't go, no, it's not. Like, you just gotta be like,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the other one was this girl at a wedding. And I just was like, totally big penguin fan. Yeah. But, you know, it's really bad. It's like fucking,

we will, I know you were saying something and I cut you off. Oh, I don't remember. Yeah, I keep going. Before I forget about the penguin, the fucking,

um, he's basically just Tony's, I mean, the acting's great. Yeah. Yeah. And he's just like, hey, you never had this. And he's doing this weird thing where like, he just repeats the same thing in different ways throughout the show. Okay. Did you watch the Batman movie? Yeah. Yeah. It's like the whole thing he's like, guys like me never hit it easy. Yeah. He's like, you got to eat your way to the top and nobody's going to look out for you. This is solid. Yeah. That's just what the whole. The whole show is him just saying like, he's like, he's like, you think I had it easy? He's like, you think I want to make these choices is part of being a man. You got to strangle random people. people for no reason.

You have to murder people if you want to get to the top of Gotham City crime. And he's like, I'm doing it for my mom. Like the whole thing is he like doing it for his mom. Is he really? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's very human. He wants to fuck his mom. Well, who doesn't?

Yeah. She sounds like a piece. Mrs. Penguin? Yeah, Mrs. Penguin. Get over here and eat my pussy, Oswald. It tastes fishy. Yeah. But that's my favorite.

Yeah. He's just doing his nose into his mom's pussy. It's just, Glamad, do you like this? And he's like, it's funny too, because like, just tell me if he's Italian or Jewish.

Yeah. We just tell me. He's one or the other. Maybe Greek. Maybe the penguin's Greek. He's giving Greek a little bit too. Yeah. Ethnic vague.

Yeah. Interesting. I think the initial penguin was Jewish. But now they're like, he was not right here. Because the beak. Well, that's what's Stan Lee wrote?

What name is Oswald, the Cobble Pot? That could be anything. That's actually, that's kind of British. maybe I'm wrong Maybe that was just my anti-Semitism Dan Navito's Italian

Yeah I said the big thing I feel bad about that Yeah It wasn't Stanley It was D.C. Also we could cut Wait wait You haven't said anything

Even remotely crazy No no no No I said told you the beginning I stand by that Jewish I should have told you get it We don't You cut something We don't give a shit

We'll cut it But yeah Dan DeVito played him Yeah And then who else has played him I feel like Danny Ville is Italian Right

He's a terrible character. Like, they literally, like, he's literally like something when they were making comic books. They were like, okay, well, uh, Robin's a bird and Batman's a bat. Is Robin a bird? That's, uh, yes, he's supposed to, he's not a bird, but he's like supposed to like... He's supposed to, like, bird guy. Yeah, I'd never even put that together.

Yeah, because he's, like, flying through the air and he's, like, red, like a red robin. He's jumping. Red Robin is a restaurant. Robbins aren't red. They got a little orange on their tummy. I think there's, that's where it comes from, like, like, a bird, like a robin. And then they're like, okay, so now what about a pink? Like, it was just an idea.

Yeah. They're like, okay, this will be catwoman and penguin. What's the evilest bird? Yeah. The penguin. And he's never had a good origin story. He was just a disabled guy who, like, weirdly liked dressing old timing and smoking fucking fucking. It's just a guy who.

Oh, my God, I might be the penguin. This is my grandfather's shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just a guy who likes wearing top hats. I mean, to be fair, this was in the 40s, like, people wore like that. But he was just the guy who was extra like. that like that like he was the guy who was just like and smoking one of those cigarettes with like the long thing on it yeah yeah yeah the extended cigarettes yeah that's just that's his character

just a guy who has like a cool 1940 sense of fashion is fat as shit short and has a big nose and kind of looks like a penguin yeah yeah and then now they're like what if we like made him like a mobster guy who like is trying to save his mom and you're like shut out what's wrong with his mom she's like crazy i don't know it's like in in in he's like he's like in in He's like, well, I'm going to get you out of this, mom. He's like, everything I do is my fucking family. Yeah, yeah. So he's just Tony Sprano.

He's just Tony Sprano. Yeah, yeah. Well, what can you do? You know? Well, what can you do? No, you know? No, you can't. There's 10 speeds you can do on screen.

Yeah, and then everybody with diarrhea, I was going to say diarrhea brains, but I said it wrong. So that doesn't, you can't insult people's indulgence. Diabria rains. Diabria, yeah. It doesn't sound like it would kill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know, it's also like two, like,

everything is dark and gritty you know what I mean like you go to an orphanate like not that is a dark place but like you could go to like anything in Gotham City in like this new universe and it's just the dark

like even in the dark night there'd be like there's like a dinner scene and people are acting kind of normal but like everything in this new universe they've built

is just so it's like the ultimate dinginess the same tone like it's like a playground and all the kids are like fucking strangling each other with piano key wires and you're like

not everything is this evil in Gotham City I liked the movie the color correction in the movie seemed really solid. The pacing in the movie was crazy. They keep that really slow pace for the penguin? Sort of.

Okay, because I thought the pace was like... At first I was like, this is sick, and then I was like, oh my God, move. Move. Like, I'm just screaming at the screen. Like, why is nothing happening? The entire theme song is two chords. Dun, done, done.

Like, that's the whole thing. There's like an 11-minute intro that's just... Don, done, done. And then Jeff Wreck going, that son of a bitch. Yeah. So twisted. Like, he's a good actor, but they also, like, didn't give him enough things to say. It's just him reacting all the time.

He's going, oh, the Riddler's the worst. The Riddler's the worst. That's so true. That's sick, son of a bitch. Who would do such a thing. Yeah, yeah. Only the Riddler. Very wild.

How's New York, bro? Dude, it's just like Gotham City, man. Is it really? It's just like Goths City. I've heard back things. It's not easy, man. I had to eat my way to the top. And nothing.

was handed to me. I had to eke my way there. I had to beg my way. No, no, no. But the truth is I'm like borrowing. I'm like calling my dad. I'm like, can I please borrow money? I feel that. Well, well, this office is not. You can probably take this table out of here. We should steal from this office. Yeah. This original?

This actually used to be in our house. Yeah, yeah. Now I've been in the conference room. Yeah. No, New York's great, though. It's, uh, I love it. I hated it for three years. And then the last three have been great. Yeah, yeah. no it's uh yeah i fucking love it it's um

because like it starts so loud and i used to like come i this podcast if you listen to early morning good i'm like new york city sucks i fucking hate this place florida's the best place on earth and then over time i've liked florida a little less and new york a little more uh-huh um because it's just kind of like one of those things where it's like you build a sense of community you get into comedy clubs

you like find joe in your feet um I don't know. It's like, it's like awesome, dude. I was like homeless for three months, couch surfing

through like a breakup and like, I had so many friends that I could like spend sleep at different people's places. And yeah, and yeah, everything's like great.

Like I'm, the happiest I will ever be right now. But, what? This is the peak. This is the peak. This is the peak. This is the happiest I've ever. This might be the happiest I've been in my whole life.

Well, that doesn't mean you're done getting better. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. There's no. There's got to be. more.

Dude, I was looking through my apartment the other day and there's like a whip a canister in the ground like fucking condoms, blue chew wrappers everywhere and I'm like, I like, I like, this is, look, that's not going to work forever, but I'm like, this is my life and I love my life. Oh, blue chew rappers would probably help with like the hookup anxiety that I have. Like if we're going to fucks up. I've been taking it for a fucking. I, there are some people I don't take it with.

Yeah. Because they're just like, they're comfortable. Like, they're like, oh, you're taking my. 100 pills don't take them. We don't care if you don't get hard. And if they say that, it takes a pressure off and then you don't get hard or you then you get hard because they don't care. That's incredible. Does it make any sense? It's all mental. Yeah, that's what I'm experiencing like with love. I just don't feel nervous around people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no performance because I know them. I was more nervous getting hard with like a girlfriend.

Because I was like, oh, we live together and if my penis doesn't get hard, this lease might end. That's so funny. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot riding on this boner right here versus like, oh okay well I never see you again but you know it's nice meeting you I actually yeah yeah you never taken a boner pill no I haven't we really got to get them to sponsor this because I just promote them

just like crazy on there like blue chue has been said more than anything on this podcast the blue shoe counter just in the corner ping too yeah yeah I should if I ever get a blue shoe sponsorship I should go back and make them pay me for the old episodes because I'm like people are still listening to those old ones yeah look at all these views

bro. You're welcome, Blue Choo. Yeah, yeah. I will say this. You're flying off the shelves right now because of me. This is something I should not say on the podcast, but I really want to say it. Yeah.

So I like, because I'm in town for a couple days, I'm not like, I don't know, I'm kind of like just in case I get late. It'd be nice to have a boner pill because any sex I'm having, I can't go on dates because of shows. Any sex I'm having is like somebody I met out and it's like fucking three in the morning.

I'm drunk as shit. Well, that's the best. But yeah, keep going. Yeah. So I thought I left my blue shoes at home. I see my dad's prescription and I'm like, okay, what if I take one of these?

Just to, you know, but then I realized I was like, oh, this is actually stealing love from my parents. I'm like, this is a way more serious crime than just taking a voter pill. Oh my God.

Yeah, that's an eviction. That's right there. The Leeseland, the lifel end, bro. My mom lives with Eric now. Yeah, yeah. That's, yeah, things can fall apart. But the next day I went back and the label was ripped off.

So I think he saw that I took one and ripped it off. How many were left? Oh, I just took one. And I'm probably going to put it back. He also listened to this, but this is going to be a whole discussion. This is incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is incredible?

Yeah, yeah. And now I'm like freaking out. I'm like, is this too much to share about my family? Okay, look, if anybody is above 50, they use boner pills. It's physically impossible to have hard penis above 50, right? Is that true? I don't know. I feel like it's an activity thing, but I also have no idea.

I'm not above 50. I'll tell you one thing, my dick won't work above 50. I live a sedentary life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I am laying down most of the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Either way, I don't know if that's personal, whatever. Now, I'm just, it's so funny.

Now, this is how podcasting works. Now I'm anxiously picturing my dad getting very mad at me. Oh, just being like, you talked about this. In my office. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, New doesn't have fucking, I don't know, people have bonner pills. But, uh, yeah. These are good.

I would get some boner pills out of, of a what's it called Solidarity Solidarity Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah it's so funny I don't understand how people do this

Like Somebody like Shane Gillis Would be like Dude I fucking saw my dad's Way in our jerking off the other day Or like something I'm like Jesus Christ And I'm like

How do you How is you that comfortable doing I don't know Maybe you just get over those arguments To your family Where you're like This is if you're involved in my mind Either you disown me completely

Or you're in the morning good universe Or people who have no support in their lives. Like my family would never watch my podcast that's what it should be. Easy peas. My dad's like you can use my office and talk about how you stole a boner pill from me. I don't know. I really wonder,

do you know, like clearly for you what would be the, what would make your parents stop talking to you? I call them fat in my act. I talk about, I mean, I don't know. I don't think so. They got really thick skin. And honestly, they... It's because they're fat as shit.

Because they're fat as shit. That's right. It's really more blubber. You know, you can throw as many shots as you want. It's just a flush shot. They're casting for the new season of penguin already. Oh, really? My dad would make a great penguin henchmen.

And your mom could be the penguin's mom because he wants to bang his mom. My mom could be the penguin. Honestly. Yeah. She would love that. She actually does... She is kind of giving Dane Davido Penguin. Really? Yeah, from the right.

Do you ever just feed her fish sometimes? Yeah, I throw them up. Yeah. When she's a good girl. But, oh, my God. She goes, arf, arf and claps. This will probably piss him off. You know, I'm trying to find it.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't think, I don't know, my dad's, like, as long as you don't, like, say anything first family secrets or anything, like, against my name, like, anything that's like, oh, he's like a this or that. So I'm like, yeah. Yeah, I feel like we're well within bounds right now. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. Some people get a secure about their dick. Yeah, but it's like, no what? I don't even know if he's, I feel like if I was at that age, like he might be an on deck kind of guy. He might be like me where it's like, he's like maybe it'll be 3 a.m. I'll be drunk because he doesn't drink at all.

But yeah. Maybe 3 a hour. I'll be too tired to become erect. Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I feel that big time. I get that way. I don't think any man. Literally, I'll say this over 40.

doesn't have erection pills. That's probably fair. I bet you my dad has the hardest penis out of all of his friends. I mean, that's why this table's so hard. You know, it just wraps up against the bottom of it. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you know, can I say that? I need the most expensive granite to make sure I don't puncture the wood oaks. We ruined three oak conference tables. Yeah. Because my boner bills pierced them. Yeah, no, I think my dad, best penis probably, probably

great at eating women out. Oh, must be. Look, I also corrected that too. I was going to say my dad's great at eating pussy. Yeah. I changed it. I was like, my dad's great at eating women out. Yeah.

No, no, no. You know, this is the morning good podcast. We say my dad is great at eating pussy. I'm sweating right now. Can I get you a shovel? I mean, the way you're digging into this one. One that was funny. The other night, he, uh, when I, when I,

I was staying up late, I was like trying to hook up with this girl. And like, it was one of those, that night at house party. I took a boner pill because I thought I was going to like figure it out. Yeah. And then I fell asleep. And then I woke up, my dad was asking for the car keys. And I get out of bed and I give him the car keys. And then I just like look down when I was going to bed.

And I just have like the most rock hard boner. Yeah. Well, he woke you up. That's on the table when you get woken up. That's true. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, that's got to be really uncomfortable, especially because like I'm staying with them. So like, I mean, I got a bust in nine.

Would they think I'm not doing it? Yeah, of course. But they got to know when I'm whacking it. Do they have to know? I'm just saying they're like, I got to tell them. They just have like a spider set. I have a sign-in sheet. I'm like, I'm like Michael Wackoff session.

It's like a recording light on the other side of the door. Yeah. On air. It's right outside the bathroom. Oh, my God. Yeah, I feel like parents have like another sense for that. But I don't know. I wonder if I've ever been caught.

I wonder if I used to take really long showers, but it's like I wasn't jerking off in the shower. That's what I've been doing. That'll do it. Yeah, that'll do it right there. Yeah. Yeah. Damn.

But then it's like. Like, dude, I always jerk off into a toilet because my theory is that, like, not always, but if I'm into his house. What? I just think that's funny. Is that worse or better? I can't tell. Right? For me, I don't know if I could jizz into a toilet.

I don't know if I'm horny enough to maintain sexuality in front of a toilet. I'd rather jizz in the sink. It is tough because, like, I'm trying to, like, watch a less porn. So I'm trying to do a fantasy. And I'm like, what fantasy am I standing in front of a toilet? Like, you know, there's nothing you can apply to it. Yeah, you just think about it. the anti-Semitic girl, it's the same, right?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I did something wild, dude. I, like, looked up, because I was like, let me not watch porn. So whenever I don't watch porn, I just end up going weirder routes. Like, I looked up, like, a dermatologist I had, like, four years ago who, like, looked at my penis and just jerked off to her. That is worse than porn. Yeah, yeah.

That's, like, not criminal, but, like, should be some intellectual crime. Yeah. No, I've been trying to watch less porn, too, and I got triggered the other day because, uh, what's it? There was a doctor squatch. Chad with Sidney Sweeney in it. Yeah, yeah. She's fully dressed in standing there and I'm like, fuck. Like, I'm just sweating.

That's basically pornography. It's so close to pornography. An average woman getting fucked in the ass is less sexual than Sidney's standing still. Reading Sidney's dream is more porrographic than, yeah. We got to stop saying. I'm getting bricked up. That's true. Yeah.

Sydney sweet sweet. She goes. I can't because, yeah, my pants doesn't work right now unless I take one of my dad's boner pills in his office. he's had discussions to me about this podcast which is really funny i remember one time i was like visiting i was like really hung over and he's like dropping me off to get to his car he's like michael you got to stop talking about jerking off on the podcast and i got like a real argument with him about it i was like you don't don't you tell me how to do my art

this is my art yeah that's crazy yeah yeah yeah i don't come to your what does he do law commercial real estate commercial real estate yeah i don't come to your You're not to shut down orphanages to build the massive super malls that you're building. Is that not that you go? Yeah. When I was a kid, though, I would watch movies and I would see like hoot or something like that. And they're like, we're tearing down the Alish sanctuary to make a strip club. You know, there's always that like thing.

Word. Yeah. You ever see Norbit? They're like, we're going to tour down the orphanage and make like a strip club or like a super center. You don't mess with the Zohan. They're like, we're going to tear down the, what's it called? Israel. Right.

We're tear down this salon, yeah. This salon and we're going to make it like a mall that has a roller coaster go through it. Really, it's like this shopping center's ugly. I think, can I buy this and put like a Panera bread? Like it's really... Word. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Minimal things like that for the most part.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And this area is great, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to buy my house right now and I don't want to. What do you for work? I'm a social media marketing manager. Okay. for like the transportation company in Orlando.

And so I just run their pages. Mears? Yeah, Mears. Why don't I feel we've had this discussion? I don't know. I wonder. What's the last time we hung out? It's been a minute.

It's been like seven years? No, we bumped into each other at shows or something. Yeah. We were at Milk District at the same time. Does somebody else work at Mears? No. Dude, okay, this is what it was. I talked to you.

Okay. Yeah, I must have been at milk. There's no one else who works for Mears, transportation. Yeah, no, I'm the only bus boy. just me and the buses. Yeah, I just post pictures of that shit on Instagram

and it's going really well. I'm really enjoying it. Do you just post picture of the bus and you're like, isn't this cool? You should take the bus? How do you promote it? I'm like,

isn't this incredible? It's a bus. Thank you for riding Mears. Yeah, I just pictures. It's just different pictures of different buses. We've been doing a lot of ride share attack ads.

So I'm just like Uber is dangerous. Like, you'll kill you. Your Uber drivers are unchecked. Yeah. Miers is professional drivers. Yeah. I'm like,

you don't even have to wear seatbelt in the motor coach. Don't you want to come on in the motor coach? Dude, I love the battle, too. Like, I had a... I took a cab one time in New York, and the guy's like, you can do whatever the fuck you want. He's like, you want to smoke fucking cigarettes?

You want to do coke in the back there? I'm not one of these fucking faggin' ass Ubers. And I'm like, that's what's up. And I was like, dude, uh... If I could rate you, I would, sir. And I'm just like, this is so... Yeah, I'm not going to do any of those things. Yeah.

Just trying to get to... work. What do you do for work up there? So I have a part-time job. What I do is it's crazy. So my cousin runs a company that gets Venezuelan workers construction jobs. Nice. So I call construction companies and like, you guys need some Venezuelans.

And they're like, no, you got some Guatemalans. I'm like, you drive a tough bargain. No, we do not. We only have Venezuelan workers because they're here legally through asylum. Yeah. So it's an interesting. angle, though, because it's like, do you have it in Guatemalans? Yeah. One guy

was so funny. One guy's like, how about, he's like, you know, there's millions of homeless people in America. How about you, we get them jobs? I was like, you aren't a meth head with a buzzsaw? Like, what do you? Maybe. Like, nothing is as cut and dry as people think it is. It's like, it's the illegal immigrants and the legal

immigrants and people on welfare. So look, I was on unemployment and I used that money to, one time, bang a woman in a hotel room. that's good yeah I mean it's not morally good but it's like also there's like

for unemployment that was coming out of your right but I'm saying there's also like a mother who's like I need this check same with like oh you paid her no no no oh oh oh okay what I'm saying is like everybody wants to act like every situation is cut and dry and especially with like with homeless people

they're like it's either this guy who's just like my whole life's fucked me over or it's a guy who smokes crystal meth he stole from his whole family. It's tricky. We're done with you. Yeah. It's like there's every kind of person there and in between.

You got to get new homeless. Exactly. Fresh homeless. That is a smart idea. He should say, yeah, you want some fresh homeless guys. This guy had a house like last week. All right. Yeah.

He's still pretty normal. All right. He's down on his luck and he feels that way. But he's ready to try again. But that's how it is with like immigrants, homeless people. Yeah. It's like everything everybody wants to.

It's like, I think, like, far left people want to be like, every single immigrant is a good person. Like, that's not true. It's like there are criminals. Sure. Like, also, there's a lot of people that are like, they fucking escape Venezuela to, like, work here. Now they want to do fucking construction. It's like, yeah, it's pretty sick. And as I said, they're here legally through asylum.

Thank you, whatever politician did that. Now, I'm not taking a stance on it. They're here and I'm getting him drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll take it. How's the stage time up there? You got a lot of stage time? We're going to talk about Venezuelans. a little longer.

10-4. Yeah. My ex was Venezuelan. She, uh, does she do construction? She wishes. She couldn't get a job.

She got two degrees from full sale. And then, uh, was trying to get a work visa. But when you have two degrees, there's like a minimum amount that, uh, you can get paid to qualify for a work visa.

So she would have had to get over like six figures for her entry level position. Out of full sale, which isn't even a four-year university. It's an accelerated program. Wait, how long ago was this? This was 2019. That's probably why. Oh, yeah, they changed that around.

Yeah, that's when, like, I think it was like 20, 23 or 20, there was something like that where they were like, you can come here through asylum to get a, and it became like way, that's why I have a job right. Word, gotcha. Yeah, I think she, I think she went the green card route. I think she snapped up her, uh, micro penis X. Micro penis X, which is so funny to me. But yeah, now they're divorced, so I just assumed

Green Card, but I don't know, I don't know what she's, I don't care at all. Yeah, see, who cares? Who cares? Who cares about that ex-girlfriend? Go die. I don't fucking cry about mine, dude. No, I was 18 and she was 22, and she was trying to marry me for a green card, and it was very manipulative and weird. Yeah, that is a tough situation, yeah. Yeah, I lost multiple jobs being with her.

Dang, how did you lose the jobs? Just she would get in fights with me at all hours of the day, and I didn't think I was able to leave. Dude, you're pretty sure. I remember one time me and my ex got like a fight, and I almost like canceled the show. Yeah, and I was like, this is fucking retard. I was like, this is insane.

I can't, a fight is not, like, I got to do fucking stand-up. Yeah, I can't fucking like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we would get in fights about my stand-up. That was crazy, too. Oh, dude, I had the tug of war with that, yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God, what a headache. What were your fights?

She would write jokes that I should tell from her perspective. Oh, my God. And they were all just like, I love my wife. I'm like, this is crazy. All of my perspective was this bitch annoying as hell.

And I literally couldn't like I couldn't get it out. She came to one of my shows and then she like stormed out in a huff and I had to chase her down in the streets of New York. Oh my God. It was really weird.

Yeah. It was upsetting. Yeah, that's such a thing people don't realize is the fucking like the fucking struggle we go through stand-up comedians, too. It makes relationships really, really hard.

It's basically impossible. It's, well, it's hard to explain this to your partner, but there's a part of me that will always love stand-up more than I like being at home relaxing with my partner. Yeah. Because stand-up is like there's so many chemicals going on that it's literally addictive like a drug. And I love going out and doing stand-up, and I need that because I'm addicted to it. And when I don't do it for a week, I get depressed and want to blow my head off. And when I'm at home with you, I want to leave and go to... stand-up.

Yeah. A lot of people don't understand. It's not one of those things where, you know, I'm doing it for you, sweetheart. Yeah. I'm doing it for my sexy mother. Yeah. I do this for my fucking mother. I do this for that penguin poons. Yeah. No, but yeah, no, it is like one of those things where it's like, yeah,

no, I'll never, also like I can't love, so, I will say this, dude, I love stand-up comedy. But I think I like getting fucked up more than I like stand-up. That's tricky too. But I don't, I don't, this is my thing. I, I, it's my job. I have to take it seriously. Um, actually just got fucking paid today. Yeah, it's very funny. I'll, my, everybody's so late

on paying me, which is fine. I'm just happy for the stage time. But like, my stand-up income is just coming in all the different times where like, it's been coming in when I need it. Like, I have no fucking money and then I get paid for a show from like four months ago. And I'm like, oh, I'm glad that guy finally. Months? Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How's the pay in New York, though? Some places is good. Some places are bad. There's one place that the owner just stopped paying people.

And one place the owner stopped paying people, and he's like, I'm really working on it. That's fine. Like, you're running a business. I totally get it. Like per month per year. I'm not getting into it. But in another place, the guy just stopped paying. And then if you mention it, he kicks you out of the group chat for the club.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll host here for free on Saturday nights. And not even like, I'm going to pay you one day. This guy's like, you don't get paid. Yeah. ever and if you ask about it you're out versus like this other club that's like actively trying to pay people so I'm like I respect

that like look it's tricky it's a business whatever and then some places just are on top of it because they're doing really well financially if you're not paying people it's not a business yeah but it's like you are you're just doing it like in a delayed like they have it charted down and they're telling people how much they owe them like yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah as long as you're aware of yeah yeah yeah but what was I saying before that something that was I fucking about paying oh yeah I love it getting fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad asked me the other day, he's like, what do you like doing besides stand-up?

I was like, getting drunk and chasing women and making jokes with my buddies. And it's like, by the way, I love stand-up comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm my favorite thing in the whole other world. But compared to drinking, drinking is up here.

Stand-up's way down there. But I love, I love stand-up. Yeah. This is just how much I like drinking. It's just that. But I'm also like, I don't know. It's a tricky. thing because I don't I don't I never drink and do stand-up I'll drink after doing

stand-up that's right yeah I just started drinking like so I'm in AA right now because I'd be I be drinky-drinky and I'd be smoky-smokey and I need to figure it out because I get to that place where it's the number one thing and that makes me really nervous because I have to activate for work every day I have to activate for stand-up and it I can just it makes my energy levels go down like I'm not durable enough to drink as much as I want to drink do you know what I mean and then I just have no drive throughout the day. And it makes me so sad. And it takes you away from my girlfriend

and it takes me away from like things that I think long term will pay off better, but I don't know. So it's like part of me is like I need to quell the anxiety. I feel around the gambles of like my long term interests by drinking just to make myself feel like I'm not losing everything all the time because I get really anxious about things like being in a relationship. Like will this be my last relationship ever? Like how hard do I have?

have to work to make sure it's my last relationship ever. Am I not anxious right now? I have autism. Oh, really? Yeah, and my doctor told me that it's, uh, one of my doctors. You didn't say it was contagious to me. What? It's not, but you just get good at piano. I don't have the bad kind. Yeah. Are you good at piano? Yeah, I play five instruments. Um, and I do oil paintings and stuff. Like, I really like, uh, hobbies and being creative and shit like that. Um, fuck yeah. Yeah, it's, it's a lot of fun. And I think stand-up is like that too, but it's also like, uh, I was never really into drinking, but I did go to rehab

for like ADHD pills, like amphetamines and stuff and how do you, wait, wait, let's talk about this a little bit. Sorry to cut you off. You're good. I mean, I was on Adderall for like still taking it. But I like, I got put on it. Phenemines at a really young age. Yeah. How do you

know when you're taking too much? So I've also, I've cut back dramatically. Like, I like, in high school would take 30 milligrams of Adderall, then after school, I would take 20 milligrams. It's way too much. And I would take like caffeine pills as well.

Yeah, it's, yeah. But I would not have gotten to school. I would not have gone to college unless I was pumped full of that shit. But it also created OCD because I was like I was like raised religious. My parents were never like if you jack off, God's going to whip you in hell with Satan together. But

when I was a kid, I just thought it every time I masturbated, God was like punishing me. So like my parents were like, we'll get him on AD medicine. And my mom was like that and she's like, and then we'll give him religion. But really, I was just viciously masturbating in my room on Adderall. Yeah, it takes way longer.

Yeah, I'm just like, God fucking hate me. But in theory, I'm like, this is a good plan for a kid. You're like, you get him religious and you give him, you know, a drug to get him through school, but it just ended up me just being like, why does God hate me? He gives me hornyness, but he wants to murder me.

He wants to upset me to hell. Yeah, which is fucking wild. I think that did definitely, like, that's created my OCD. It's like the combination of an epitamines. And so like what was your like what is your infatamine experience? Um, I would just like save them up and take them all at once and stuff like that. I would take them every day and not be able to lock in. I would take them and then I wouldn't be able to focus. So the whole intention is like I'm able to focus now. But it wasn't that. It was now I can do whatever I want to do like I was

going to do anyway, but with more focus. Um, like I'm not able to harness it. It's just a faster horse with still no saddle. It's just such an interesting thing to go to rehab for because like Certain things... A second here. And weed on top of it made it worse was the big thing. I would smoke weed constantly. Then my attention was worse.

And I was depressed, so I had no ability to activate no energy. And then on top of that, ADHD pills, which if you don't take them every day will just frassel you in a weird way. Like the first day off of by Vance or Adderall after taking it for two weeks,

you don't feel like yourself. You feel like a troll, a goblin? So I'm the opposite. You feel better? Dude. I almost thought, like, if I, before I hopefully film my first comedy special, I will take Adderall the day before and then not take it next day.

There's a weird thing that happens to my brain. Yeah. Where when I'm on it, it makes me really not funny and really serious. Yeah. But then I get taken off it and I'm like, it's like releasing like a beast from a cage where my funniest self is the day I don't take Adderall.

It's the happiest I am actually. It's interesting. Yeah, I feel that big time. I just like have the T's grindy energy. Okay. And then like the I need to get everything together type shit on days where I do have it. And then days when I don't take it, I feel much happier. But in general, if I take it a lot and acclimate to that normal,

the irritability goes really high. And then the day that I don't take, I just feel foggy. I feel brain fog when I'm off of it. That makes sense. Which is, like, annoying as hell. Well, then you've got to learn to, like, adjust. I remember, like, getting an argument with my parents about it one time. And the Uber driver was like, oh, dude, I used to take amphetamines.

I stopped. You can do it. Because in your brain, you feel like, you're like, when you stop taking them, dude, you feel like you go from being the smartest guy to the dumbest guy. Right, yeah. And it's such a hard adjustment because you're like, you're like I was my brain is working so fast yesterday now it's not working at all right but the question I have too is like it's really interesting how like certain drugs send you to rehab fast so like opiates

zanax alcohol those problems are so obvious they kill you yeah faster exactly so people are like oh okay like I quit drinking zanx because like I was causing problems I quit doing heroin because I was like falling sleep or like whatever opiates but then like amphetamines and upper are so hard because they fuck up your life. Like one of my buddies has a coke problem. It was really funny because I told him he had a coke problem. And he goes, really? You think so? He goes, oh, you think I have a cocaine problem?

He goes, I would have never guessed that as me. Duh, I have a cocaine. Which is the funniest intervention because I never thought about that. Somebody's like, he's like, no fucking shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, you don't think I know what my bank account looks like. You don't think I feel like shit the next day. And I was like, wow.

That makes a lot of sense. but like coke problems are like you did an intervention you went no doye yeah yeah he's like what are you fucking yeah and I was like oh shit I give you you right

did you have a follow up after calling me out or was this just it yeah yeah you don't think I would know what's fucking up my life it's so interesting because you go like

Coke dude my friends have been doing coke I did it and I quit like I don't only do it like on weekends but I would do like a lot on weekends and like I quit probably like five years ago but like

Coke takes a decade to fuck your life up. Like, it's like, I know so many people who've done Coke, and it's like just 10 years later fucking their shit up. And I wonder if Adderall, like, what made you go like, oh, I have an Adderall problem? It was really more the weed than that. It was the fact that I couldn't get on top of my focus or my direction or activate my energy in any type of useful way.

I dropped out of high school when I was 15, and I got my GED right away, and then I was just like... That is, by the way, that is cool. Like, I know, I know... I know it's not popular to say this. It's cool, like a little homeless boy. Look at him go. Dude, when you succeed in comedy,

it's so cool to hear something to be like, I dropped out of high school at 15. I got my college degree anyway. I just went back, yeah. I know, but it's still, you're like, this is the kind of like rough kid I was. That's badass. I just took all that time to learn instruments,

is what I did. I self-taught on piano and bass and guitar and organ is when I play a lot, valve trompone. But I really like trumpet. It was my first instrument. That's the one that inspired me to drop out. I was like, I'm going to be.

a famous trumpet player. You know all the famous trumpet players. Yeah. Because it's 1931. You don't make a dime. The penguin could name every single famous trumpet player. Chris Bodie. Louis Armstrong. Yeah, I don't know. It's, but just being sober has been way helpful for my mental health, especially in terms of motivating to do the things that I want to do. And, you know, porn, Instagram scrolling, video games. There's all types of things where I'm just like, I have no control over this. And this is the thing that I wake up in the morning for. And that's not good.

That's what I keep telling myself. But I don't know. Especially, like, I was drinking after shows because you get a free one. And then I started drinking, like, right after my set and having two. And then I started, like, not being able to predict how many drinks I would have before the end of the night. You know, I would start drinking before my set. And then I'm just drinking all fucking night. And I'm like, I got to fix it.

So I've been going to AA for, like, two weeks. And, um... Is you been two years over? Yeah. Okay, nice. Thursday. Good for you. Yeah. It's okay. Yeah. That's the hard part of when I've heard. Like, I got a friend. He's like six years sober and it's so sick.

Because like he's the point now where he can like go out to bars and like have a, I'm sure immediately, you know, you got to be like, I can't hang out with certain people. There's certain things that you're probably like careful of. But like he's like five years sober and he'll do like, he just has the fullest like he'll go out completely have a whole night. Yeah. And just not be hung over the next day. And that's what's up. But he still lived for the night. He's still had a great time. Yeah. Like, yeah, yeah.

That's what I've been starting to do, like, after shows, everyone goes out to another bar. And I'm just standing there, but it's the same, you know? Yeah, yeah. That's what's the fun part. Like, sleepovers in middle school were fun. Yeah. You guys can all still whack off together. You can still have it.

There's just a blanket at the bar. Wasn't that the funnest shit? Not the whacking off, but like the funnest shit were like sleepovers when you were a kid. It's like, you could still recreate some version of that without alcohol. Comrottery, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, dude, thanks for coming on.

What do you want to promote? My pleasure. My Instagram is Preston Canavan, C-A-V-A-N. I'm on YouTube and TikTok and Facebook, and I do comedy all across Florida. It's a lot of fun. Yeah, and shout out fucking Mears Transportation. Shout out to my boss and my boss's boss and my boss's boss, Palmer Sr. for buying City Cabco in 1939 and helping the company grow into the wonderful

multi-million dollar company that it is today. That pays for my mortgage. Thank you. yeah and I'm just going to apologize my whole family for being as embarrassing I'm kidding I'm sure your dad's bricked up right now I'm sure I'm sure he is his boners burning he's like what is that is Michael no I'm just glad uh thank you guys for listening oh so you know what I hope you had a fucking great Thanksgiving I hope you had a really good time yeah