Morning Good - Dirt Rich - Episode 310

Episode Date: April 6, 2026

Joey Rinaldi and Josh Dittrich join the show for today's episode. They talk about the hypothetical Michael Good TV Show, comic book villain ideas, and standing up to bouncers. Thanks to Joey and Josh for coming back on the show. You can check either of them out on previous episodes or at the links below.Joey is on Instagram @theJoeyRinaldi. Josh does comedy rap music on Tik Tok and Instagram as @munchdiddly.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. And we're here on the burger podcast with Joey Rinaldi and Josh Dittrick. Just kidding. It's Josh Ditrich. I got to good. You're living together.

finally figured out my last name. Dietrich. Dietrich. You called me Didrich for like the first nine months, though. Deerich? Dirt Rich. Dude, D-rich is tough. D-rich is kind of sick.

D-rich is kind of tough. D-rich is kind of tough. Does anybody said dirt-rich? Because you say dirt-rich poor, but Dirt rich is like a great rapper name. Dirt rich is a good rap, like found gold. The Dirt rich podcast, dude? I would listen to that podcast. Yeah, man.

Oh, yeah. I like it as a rapper. A competing podcast on this couch. This couch is very multifaceted. It is. And multifaceted. You could fart on it. You could jerk off on it when the roommates aren't here.

Have you ever done any sexual intercourse? I live here for the listeners. Have you ever done any sort of sexual encounters on this couch? Yeah, like two weeks ago and Jake got really mad at it. Two weeks ago? Why did Jake got mad at you? Because what happened was I was drunk and I was looking up with the girl. And the rule is typically do not fuck people on the couch.

Yeah, you have a bed right there. I know, but sometimes things are getting groovy out here. And it was like, I think I put the condom on. And then I was like, oh, we shouldn't do this here. but then I... Like the condom's on. Yeah, I know, but then I took the condom off and forgot that I... I don't know if he touched the rapper or the condo, but he's like, yeah, I went out there

and there was like a condom and underwear. And I washed the whole thing, though, or at least that one, this one right here. It was here? Yeah, it was right. I hate this J-T idea of like, oh, you saw a condom. Because I'm going to tell you a story. The other day, I was on the road, and me and my buddy was sharing a hotel. room and we went out to this far. Check the dates on this by the way. Check when Joey was on the road and

find exactly out who this is. Okay. So we're on the road and I really love this because we went out for like a beer, but next thing we knew, we were talking to the locals. It was getting rowdy. I'm outside smoking the joint with a bunch of people. I don't know. So I lose sight of my phone when I come back into the bar, but I don't think anything of it because I don't want to leave the bar yet. His phone's not on. Where were you? It's not that far. I was in a little place called Danbury, Connecticut people. Danbury, Connecticut, okay, nice. Anything outside of New York is the road.

But we had a hotel room. But here's the crazy part. Here's the crazy part. We lose touch. All I know is that he is not at the bar and I don't want to leave the bar. And one thing leads to another. I go back to the hotel room.

When I come in, he's in the shower, okay? So the hotel room area is empty. And I look down and I see a used condom on the floor, see a condom wrapper on the floor. I see he's been a little messy and all I'm thinking to myself is, This is awesome.

Let's fucking go. I'm so happy. What a, what a life. Yeah, I'm really for other people getting laid. Thank you. Yeah,

but I also get when it's on your couch and you touch the condom or condom wrapper. I think it's also just the other thing is like, if this was the, if like, if it was like a bunk bed situation and this was the only place to have sex, it's like, okay,

but like the bed is so close. Yeah, the bed is so close and this is the shared couch. But who knows how long the bunk, I'm not here to be a nad, but I think that might be worth going to go. You're right. What if their mind changes in the five, if the mind is going to change in the five-po walk to the bed, that might be a sign that.

No, it's more of the boner change, and it's like, I got to go. Bono change. No, I was on performance. Those things are finicky. I know. Yeah. I want to see a hummingbird. Yeah, yeah.

Also, getting up and it's gone. Also, Michael is one step away from saying a slur at all times. So from the couch to the bedroom, he could have said the wrong slur. The girl could have been woke. She would have been mad. be the rights slur. There's the right slur. That's who you're sleeping with.

Obviously. Yeah, it was, you know, a lot could go wrong. But I was this number. It was this a one night stand? Or is this a regular situation? No, I was a friend from Orlando who came to visit. And it was funny not telling the other roommate till last minute.

I'm like, yeah, I got a friend from Orlando staying. He's like, cool, does he want to? And I was like, no, no, no. Was it a fuck visit or was it a friend that became a fuck visit? It was a, it was a fuck visit. Let's go. Come on. Can I get some?

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. It was a fuck visit with like. Did you pay for the plane ticket? No. And she paid for drinks and food. I think about like a couple drinks.

But she was like, Oh, this is the shigabama lady you told me about once. No, no, no, is a different, that's a different lady?

This is just some lady who has a little bit of money. Yeah. Michael is always begging up in the food chain. It's so. You have to. You have to. The amount of time to effort

the company cards got this. If I was banging down, I'd literally be banging a home. lady. Yeah, I was just about to say the same thing. Yeah, yeah. Well, dude, speaking of friends and banging down and weird homeless situations, during like, like the peak of like COVID, but right when like things open up for the first time, like that first week of opening up, I see this girl I haven't seen from my hometown in a long time. She was looking hot as fuck. Really enough, remember like Eli Habab? What's his name? Eli Haba. Yeah, Haba. Eli Haber randomly, like,

walked by us and he even put him like, I was, that's a hot lady. I'm like, I know, she's a hot. So I bring her back to my place I think it's gonna be a good old time And I don't know this late I haven't seen her since high school And she goes Hey so before we do anything Do you want to pay me now and later?

What? And I was like And then like reality hit me I gave her a double glance And I was like wait you are hot But the way you're drunk Oh my God She became a prostitute

Oh that's so nuts And then like I should We exchanged Instagrams I looked at her Instagram I'm like it's straight up only fan Straight up like Here's my Amazon wish list Buy me stuff

Yeah. And I'm like, oh, this is, she was not, and then I realized I was buying drinks the whole night. And I was like, oh, I. So did you back out? No, I backed out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I know you.

No friends and family discount? No friends. Come on. And then once I said, like, we're not hooking it up, she was like, can you at least Uber me somewhere? I'm like, why would I Uber you somewhere? Yeah, yeah. That is so misleading.

That is like, if you know somebody, they can't just now be like, I'm Ross, because you can just do. Yeah, man, that's pretty tough. I couldn't get away with that. But, like, any woman could just get away with that. way with now being like, what are you talking about? We had sex and I'm a prostitute.

You're like, wait, but I've known you since I was not. The fact. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was never interested in me when we live in the same home town. So it was weird that she was being so friendly. Yeah.

She must have thought I was a loser growing up if she was like, that is offensive to now be like, well, you think I was going to do this for free? Like, that would fucking hurt my feeling so much. And you're not a bad look. You're a good looking guy. I can get it. I've got it.

Yeah, yeah. You got charisma. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it should be illegal. Well, I was going to say, you should have done the double cross and been like, no, wait, I'm a prostitute now. You're in my place.

How much are you going to pay me? See, you're quick on your feet. I feel like you'd been fine in that situation. I appreciate it. Yeah, that's what taking a few improv classes at UCB will get you. Exactly. You never know what those will come in handy for.

Yeah, you're taking UCB classes for survival of the fittest purpose. Exactly. When the apocalypse comes, I'm going to say yes and, motherfucker. Well, that's so funny because I initially was going to be like, Joey, it should be illegal for Joey to pay for sex. And then I realized it is illegal for anybody to pay for that. I was like, no law. Joey. Let me talk to my accountant. Is this, is this? Is this? Is this a write off? It's so funny to you. I like, I mean, I really don't think they care. It seems like they only care about prostitution in like a large scale. Because I've talked about this before. I've, I've technically. had sex for $40. Somebody was like, hey, can you do this?

Like one house chore? And I was really poor. And I was like, yeah. And I did the house chore. And then they were like, here's 40 bucks. And they were like, hmm? Then we had sex. I'm like, oh, I actually technically just had sex for $40 because I didn't want to have sex. No, no, no. She paid you for the house chore, but then it turns people on.

I think if there's something sexual about the way that we think it's sexual when a a girl, like gives us a back massage. I think the back massage version for the reverse is a girl. Doing chores. A girl seeing a guy. I do something labor. Yeah. He's so strong.

I don't want to say exactly what it was. I'll tell you guys later. I've already said it on the podcast, but the person follows me, so I don't want them to like... But it was a minimal chore that took three points. You hosted an open... Can I just ask what the chore?

Do you want to tell me who it was? And I just ask what the chore was? I'll tell you after, but it was like literally imagine 35 seconds of work. And then what was the chore? So it was like mounting a TV or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then it was like, what's up? And then it was like... Yeah. Did you say what's up or she said what's up? I don't know. I think the whole thing was implied that that's what was going to happen. I need the $40.

So here's my thing about like TV shows pitching because I feel like I'm not, doesn't it makes sense. Let me cook. So many comedians I know that we know want to like pitch TV shows and you're like, oh, so what's this thing that you've been writing? And almost every time it's like,

well, it's like my life. Bro? Yeah. Sorry, I have the same fucking pet peeve. It's so annoying. It's my life. And every time that's the pitch, I'm always like, why the fuck do you think you're interesting enough

where people want to see you to your life as a struggling comedian when Pete Holmes, Louis C.K., Jerry Seinfeldon, a million successful people with more charisma and better writing. Try this already. Thank you. Who's Robbie Hoffman? Oh, Robbie Hoffman's doing it now? She's doing the same.

Got a show and it's about growing up as a, I think, has said it, Jewish woman and then did it into stand-up. And it's just, yeah, every comedian gets a show and it's like, what if it was about me? So I am so sick of this premise. I don't care if you're famous. I don't want to see anyone. Kevin James, no one wants to see you be a struggle comedian.

You know what I mean? Yeah. But Michael Good, you are the goddamn exception. I could see a show where it's Michael Good being like, I need to sell blood today. Oh no, I'm going to eat out the nurse who's doing my bloodstream.

Dude, that is the thing about all those shows of being a struggling comedian is they'll just be like, I was at the laundromat and Sarah Silverman asked me to open for it. And it's like, no, struggling comedian. I want to see Michael Good having sex with an ogre

because he needed 32 cents. That's what I need to see. Yeah, the struggling fake comedian. We need the real fucking, yeah. I want to see Michael Good fucking. Also, half these famous comedians just are pieces of shit. So throw a little of that in the show.

You know, the part of the movie where you start ignoring your daughter or cheating on your wife or just everything we know you guys all do. Like, it's one of those things that you're like, or having sex with a 17-year-old girl when you're married. Like, come on. It happens. It happens. Jeff, something.

Who? Nothing. Okay. Okay. Okay. I put the pieces together. There we go. Yeah, it's really funny with somebody's like, you ever like tell a comedy rumor? You're like, you know, this person is so-and-so. And then you just Google it and read it's like, yeah, do you guys know about that? You're like, all that's out there. I'm not, just because I say it somewhere. It doesn't mean, uh...

Yeah, no, exactly. It's, thank you. I'm so glad we're all in line on this. Michael Good deserves a show. Michael Good deserves a TV show. Yeah. Screw Pete Holmes. Screw Robbie Hoffin. I want the Michael good experience. Yeah, no, literally. That stuff's so interesting when you start stand up and then you're like, okay, this is so fucking,

I'm definitely with music too. I don't like music biophics anymore. They always do them when the person's still alive. And I'm like, no, you don't get to decide how you want to be remembered. We get to decide what we think about you. You can't. You can be like, oh, yeah. You can no, shut the fuck up.

I turned off the Springsteen movie really fast. He just cried a bunch, right? I remember the exact moment I turned off the Springsteen movie. There's a montage of him just right. There is nothing more boring than just seeing somebody write. In the middle of this montage of him writing, he writes the word double album, underline, underline, question mark, circle it. Then he circles it.

At that point, I turn it up. Oh, is he about to make a double album? What have I made an album with double album? And now I'm the king. What's his name? The boss. The boss. He is the boss.

He is the boss. And Jeremy on White is the bear. Yeah. The bear, the boss. And you had to underline it twice and then write a question mark. Fuck you, you piece of shit director who made that. I also, I just don't believe it. So like, look, I write not as much as I should.

Yeah. A lot of these big comedians don't really sit down and actually write. I bet you have these musicians like, born in the U.S. Okay, that's this. Like, I bet you have. You just walked in the studio and like make it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time.

Or somebody writes. it for them, they'd go in, sing it and they make a trillion dollars off. Yeah, yeah. It's like, I doubt, where's that part? What about, like, paying your ghostwriters and ripping people off and, you know, not paying someone for your jokes? Springsteen does write. I do believe Springsteen right, but I don't need to see him

write three on the lines. Yeah, I'm not writing like dead bitch, ah, crumble it up. Like, it's not like this a moat. Five minutes set. Underline, underline, question, yeah, yeah. No. One minute set?

Kill Tony. Kill Tony. Kill Tony. Pressure mark. No, I didn't. fucker butthole. It was the cheeks. It was an ass job, not technical anal. Ah! Like this is what I'm out. From the sick and twisted mind of Michael Gunn. Who would, okay,

if you made a biopic today, like, if we did, all that aside, who would you want to play you and who would you, yeah, not even directed, that's too heady. Who would you want to play you? I got a random choice here. This is a random choice. So there's certain people that kind of look like me, but I think

if you're just having fun, with it like Frankie Munes. I don't know why. I think Frankie Munoz should be fun. It'd be out of character for him, but it'd be kind of fun to see Frankie Munoz play me. Yeah, I feel like can Charlie Day go back in time and be, oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Charlie Day, I think could nail me. Like early, it's always sunny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have to fly. Yeah, he could do a pretty good job. I'll be so good. Or like, you know, Ed Helms for you. Michael B. Jordan. How, yeah.

Well, you did say you would have to America. Younger Ed Helms, yeah. You denied it. I only said that just to piss you off, but no, dude, my roommate said, I'm like Ed Helms in the office. No, I mean, maybe that's your personality. I just met you.

You're a, like a nice guy. I appreciate it. You have your thighs out for everyone to see. Yeah, thighs are out. We need some thigh, actually. I'll take it. I'll wear the short shorts.

I feel like even though you're not religious, you would fit like a Christian barbecue. I would so take Josh and they would just love him. Because I feel like he's just so likable. He's so like, clean, like aesthetically. I appreciate this. This means a lot.

I didn't bring it to Florida. I did a little. I feel like the guy from a letter. Kenny could play you like the main guy oh dude jared kiso yeah yeah oh he's so fucking funny too he could play you i think can i be have you seen letter kenny it's been a while it's really good really okay i appreciate that well well my hot take about letter kenny is i think it's the same episode every episode it is it it that is not a hot take yeah man we're gonna drink beer make fourth jokes and then we're gonna drool uh jaw drop for our one hawk girl that walks by and that's the show yeah it's basically all dialogue

it's like an audio book and like three hockey scenes yep yeah insert three hockey scenes yeah I am kind of pro-Canada. I've never been there, but I really haven't met too many pieces of shit from there. I mean, that's all stereotype. Is there like nice vote? I want to go up there. It seems like,

I remember one time I was like 19 and I was like banging. There's just a girl from Tinder. And her whole family was like welcoming to me to dinner and stuff like that. And I'd just go in the room and have sex with this girl. And then they'd just be like, oh yeah, we made this, this.

And then they were just like all shows. You never been to Canada, but you banged a girl and hung out with the whole Canadian family. Yeah, they were like the coolest people ever. When did they live in New York? The whole family moved to America? What's the origin?

I think, I don't know if they moved there. They were just staying there for the summer, but it was, it was great days in my life. I would do construction. Was this in Orlando? Okay. I would do construction. I really hated Canada. Damn, it was far away as possible.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I would do construction. I would eat these microwavable burritos. Sometimes I couldn't find a microwave, so let it fall out for lunch. No, you didn't let it thawout for lunch. These were some of the happiest times by life. Jesus Christ.

You took it over a fucking trash. can do. Oh my God. It was, dude, just, I liked working construction and eating a burrito, getting hammered after work, banging somebody from Tinder,

and then just going back and then just doing construction. Was this when you were staying with your aunt or something? No, this was like, what you do now, minus the job. That's what you're life now.

You just don't work. What you were staying with at the time? But the hangovers feel now. Back then, it was just like nothing. You could get up and build a house. I'm trying to do the jack. Who are you staying with?

Like, where were you living? I'm from Orlando. No, you're not. You're from Tallahassee. No. I went to school with Tallahassee. I didn't realize you were from Orlando. I thought you were this Tampa motherfucker,

son of a bitch. Three different cities right there. No, I thought you went to school in Tallahassee. No, I did. I'm from Orlando. I went to school in Tallahassee. But when I was back for the summers at work construction and stuff like that.

I didn't realize that. Wow. Yeah. Orlando. Michael Good. Who know? We were talking about, though, because we're trying to debate what the hottest cities are.

I think Miami's obviously up there. I've never been. Dude, Miami is the weirdest city. And I realize that the only way to get the hottest girl possible in Miami is you need to be very bald and rich because I, I just spent the weekend of Miami a few weeks ago. And my girlfriend and I, all we were doing was counting hot girls with ugly bald men. And it was, we stopped counting up to like 30. There was so many beautiful women. bald men, ugly bald men.

Yeah, there's hope. Yeah, yeah. It is a fucking... Yeah, let's fucking go, dude. We got the hats on. You're not going to do anything in Miami, dude. Probably not. Those hot girls are going to look at you.

Yeah, they're going to hate you. What a fucking loser. He has hair. Me and Joey, we're eating good. We're eating good. Yeah, you don't want to... I know. All I'm saying is that

you don't want the... The Miami Hot Girl is a fallacy. I'd rather a hot girl from like Phoenix, Arizona or Tampa, Florida. Texas is pretty good. You like him dehydrated. A little dehydrated for sure.

Austin's kind of, Austin's pretty good. There's a lot of hot chicks in Austin. No, they're a little crunchy for me. I'm not about it. Oh, I like a crunchy.

Oh, same. I'm from Idaho, dude. I'm all over that. Patagonia, five panel flat bill. Dude, I want to fucking. Strand's coming out of the front

of like a ski helmet. Dude, I want like a lotus flower on the back, one of those tapestries. You want like Portland. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Okay.

You want crunchy. Dude, doesn't it make me, I'm going to get canceled when I say this. Doesn't it's going to be so not woke? I want just a lady, you know, just like a girly girl. Like she wears pink, she has black hair. That's long. Not for me. When she's bent over, I want to know it's a woman, you know?

Okay, well, that's fair. But I also like, I don't know, I think that, like, fun is big for me. Clean is not as high on the list as it should be. I think most people are like a clean. Like, I do, okay, clean is cool. Like, I definitely have been like, eh. But I think, like, I don't know. Clean's like a nice to have.

It's not a must have. Yeah, it's helpful. But I'm also like, dude, I think for me, it's like, fun and hot is kind of where and sometimes not even hot. I think, like, the fun thing's, like, a huge aspect. Because you meet someone when you're like, oh, you're just not, I don't know. Like, like, my, fun's everything. Yeah.

For me, it's like, especially, like, you'll see something he's like, by the way, I'll say this is nice. I mean, you know, sometimes you know, sometimes you. pop on the clavicular stuff. And it's nice to look at some of those women, not all of them, and go, oh, that 20-year-old actually isn't hot to me. I'm like, that's a nice feeling. I'll go down on McDougal to feel it too.

And I'm like, no, don't get me wrong. I watch porn with the girl's like 20 and I go, damn, she's hot. I'll come to this. But a lot of the times, yeah, a lot of times, they'll see a group of like 20-year-olds. And I'm going to go, oh, their faces definitely look too young for me to be interested. And, yeah. It's a good thing to feel those feelings. Oh, it's great.

The best, it's the most relieving thing ever to look at like a younger person and be like, not interested. It's like, I can see how you're attracted to somebody your age. Once a year, you have to do like a pedophile check, be like, wait, I'm not into it. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I'm normal. Yeah. Thank God.

Thank you. Yeah. It sounds like you're watching child. Yeah, not doing it for me. You know, looking up with a kid, you're like, I hate this. I tried the early stuff, couldn't get into it. I tried the slightly later stuff, still not into it. just the same going like a year in a time

they're like can you stop having sexually dude I'm just not into it man I'm like sorry but it's like make sure but you'll see there's groups right you say there's like a group walk down McDougal street and you'll be like I see how you can be attractive for your age but there's something there's kind of a and it's not I'm not gonna act like like there are 20 year olds that look 30 like it's a totally

sliding scale but um yeah it's a nice feeling and I I'm very proud to say I'm not sexually attracted to children. Yeah, let's clip that. But all I'm saying is that, like, back to the fun thing, the fun thing is so important because in our minds, we build up sex so much. But the sad truth is sex is like such a small percentage of the experience of being with a woman that, like, if they're not fun, what the fuck you're going to do after you come?

You're going to be like, we're just going to watch the office? Yeah, yeah. And there's that sort of like mental. Before, too. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's very rare. Like, I don't know.

Just to, like, meet up. up and be going at it within a very short time. There's always something before and you want to enjoy yourself like you said. Yeah, you gotta make sure that they enjoyed

the essential that'd be compatible. Yeah, yeah, could have some fun. Boarding, yeah, you know. Paddle boarding, midget wrestling.

I don't know what fun people do but that sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what fun people do. Well, it's like there's also there's like an emptiness to sound like boring hot where you're like talking to them

you're like, oh, this is like, whoa, you know what I mean? You're like, there's this real. And I think a lot of my friends are like that too where, like, I'm sure if, like, some women talked to my friends, they'd be like,

there did just nothing going on versus, like, I think I would take crazy over nothing. I've definitely been with some BPD girls. And- Girls with HPV? Well, of course, but. What did you say? Borderline personality disorder. Sorry, I don't know the slang.

I'm not cool. I've done it before. It could get a little messy, but I'm additionally like, this is a little more, I can. We don't talk about HPV on this podcast. I'm sorry. Now, this is strictly herpes, do I, or do I not? Is HPV not? Are you still on the herpes?

I thought we're good with the herpes. Yeah, but occasionally I'll have a red spot on my dick. I'm like, is this it? So it's just me going crazy. No, you are OCD. Have we cured you for that yet? Has there been like a treatment of sort? Yeah, yeah, I go to therapy.

I think God, because you're fucked. And my therapist is like, you need to go out there and find out who has herpes. Tell them not to take their meds. That is the crazy part is I could do that and still not technically get. Like, it's like, that's crazy. Either way, we've, this has been, The herpes chronicles are over. It's been discussed, yeah.

Once a week, I look at Josh and I think I have. I was like, I don't know. And then like a day later, I'm like, yeah, that would have hurt. Is it stressful waking up every day knowing that you're going to have to confront Michael's herpes? Yeah, yeah. I'm scared I'm going to get it secondhand, dude. Living around how much herpes this guy got reading off him. He fucking gives you a handshake, you're fucked.

Oh, God, there's a bum. Wait, okay, getting off the herpes train going back. I have a thought. I wanted to get to, but he moved away from it, is, I don't know if you guys have ever experienced this, but there's been a few times when I've met someone or like a group of people who have like very thick French accents. Like they do the full on like,

ooh, do me, yeah, they do that. And I'm always like, oh, cool, I get to meet someone interesting. I'm like, oh, like, where are you from? And they're like, Canada. And I'm like, oh, shut the fuck up. Like, isn't that something?

I didn't even want to meet someone from France or Europe. And then I meet a Canadian. I'm like, all right, we're basically living the same place. Like, no, I, I, it's a letdown, but I still think it's interesting because it's like, oh, oh, you like live in a, well, but that's like, It's like meeting a Puerto Rican from the Bronx, you know?

It's similar. It's like this person lives a different universe and it's in the same continent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair. Okay, all right. But you know what, though? Yeah, I will say that. I agree with you more on this because it's like I've had Canadian friends for like five years

and I don't know they're Canadian until like. Yeah, like I feel like there's a difference when you know, you're like, oh, like, hey, I like the boot. Oh, I'm going out to the, to the, to the fury. And you're like, okay, you have the Canadian accent. You're nice. You're Canadian. You just mean like a full-on Frenchie, like hand-rolled cigarette.

Barreil that and you're like oh like Paris and they're like no fucking Ottawa or whatever part I'm just like come on but I will say I fucking had a hatred bias where I want to hate the French Canadians more and I want to love the American type of yeah yeah I am with you I'm back in I'm back in I'm back in the French you're from half of Canada yeah grow up I am just like say you're from France just say yeah I think they should knock it off a little bit because it's just kind of getting performing yeah it is performative have you have you You're French-Canadians.

Just literally stop doing it. Just literally. Because it aggravates me. Yeah. Speak like the rest of the Canadians. Yeah. No, it is insanely, I don't know. It's like, they're very cunty about it.

They're like, we're trying out to lose the French. So like everything has to be like, I think in Montreal. No, you should lose the French. You're not in France. Can't fucking lose it. Get over. How many other countries like, very few countries like have two like speed, like have a geographical split where they speak like two distinct different languages.

Like, it's crazy that is still. Well, Brazil. Isn't that all Portuguese? Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. But like the whole country. Canada is like English and friends.

Yeah. I see what you're saying. But like Brazil is like kind of like institutionalized from Portugal kind of. Yeah. Yeah. You know that's the highest population of Japanese people outside of Japan? Brazil? Yeah.

Isn't that crazy? Damn, that is crazy. God my two favorite type of women in one country. Whoa. You got to go to Brazil, dude. I got to go to Brazil, dude. You just start learning Portuguese. I got to learn Portuguese.

Japanese. Just double whammy it up. leave my girlfriend, never talk. A Brazilian Japanese woman. I'll occasionally come across. I can't do porn in another language. I get a lot of Brazil. I can't do porn in another language.

I don't want to read while I'm horny. You want to understand their relationship. Exactly. What are they saying? Maybe they're being mean to me. Maybe they're shit talking to me. Yeah, yeah, well, that's in the video. Yeah, I bet you some losers watch this at home.

Damn, you don't want to read while you, yeah, that's fair. It's like a book, porn book. We do the whole fun thing. There's one more thing I want to have about the fun thing. It's time. I'll tie up all the ends. Yeah, yeah. The last thing I want to say about that is I have dated a plethora women over the years from when I was young to now.

And I realize something that I've realized what makes a fun woman and what makes annoying women. If you say, hey, we got to leave for this thing like right now. If they can go in their room and get ready right now and like head out, they're always going to be fun. When they are fucking making you late because they're going to do my hair, they're always going to be a boring time on the date. I can see that being a thing I want to set a timer and be like Can she pass the time test? I'm fine with like makeup

But my ex kind of had a thing That was like she'd be like Well I need to know which bars we're going to Because I need to know what outfit are wearing And you're like I don't know where we're gonna end up Like that's a little crazy Yeah I'm like we might start here And then I don't know

We might end up somewhere totally Outfits for bars I did it if it's like you're matching a vibe But like knowing the specific bars I'm like it's like I promise you We're not gonna go to the fanciest nightclub in New York Yeah I promise you.

So just know that. James will be fine. If you can afford it, you're paying for it because I'm not taking it. Yeah, it'll be, look, you blow the bouncer if that's your case,

but it's not going to be this kind of thing with like, what do you call it? Yeah, it's like, we're not going to go somewhere where you will be stick out like a sore thumb if you're dressed a certain way.

I get it if it's like, okay, we're going to a family event and then we're going somewhere else. So you could have like a transitional kind of outfit. Like, what was that the Power Rangers that had the rings that they're caught? I think... A lot of powers.

The one that twins is what I think of with the rings. Yeah, yeah, something like that. Form of a shape of water or something. Is that a movie, shape of water? Yes. I don't know. You know how... Yeah, not the new avatar.

It was another one. It was some fish movie, yeah. I had the dumbest idea of falling asleep. It'll relate to this. I was falling asleep on this, like, road trip because we did a bunch of road gigs this weekend. Hell, yeah. And this was such a dumb idea that I did.

I wrote it down thinking it was just... You ever have that where you were like half asleep? Yes, and you write and you wake up and you're like, what in the fuck was I trying to say? I was like, Janet Jackson but white? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're like, that was nothing. Or it's like not even English. I'll be like, and the like, it just trails off halfway through. I could not even tell you what I was trying to.

Yeah, what that was. So what did you write? This was so stupid. It was a super villain idea named Bloodwave. And what he, yeah, it was so stupid. Bloodwave. It was a guy who basically can manipulate blood. So every time he kills

somebody, he takes all their blood. So he's kind of like, imagine like one of those water villains. Don't kill Magic Johnson, dude. Oh, yeah. AIDS wave. The scariest villain ever. I became AIDS wave. I was supposed to be blood wave. Oh, no. Yeah, blood wave has to be

careful if he's going to do this. Careful who you attack, man. But he's kind of like gliding on it like a blood surfboard. And then like I kind of have like a sickle cell. It's like prozone, but yeah, basically with blood. And then he could just kind of like, I mean, like, visually, it looks cool in my head, but then I was like, this is stupid. I was like, no, no, no, can I go on stage?

Yo, you guys ever realize that there could be a bad guy named Blood Wave? That's all I got. Okay, there we go. And then what would be the punchline? Oh, this is more of something I'm going to sell to James Gun. Oh, okay, you're selling to James Gun. I was picturing like a full-on Chris Rock bit. The thing is about a blood wave.

He can't attack magic. I don't know. But I did picture a cool scene where it's like he's in this. sea like traveling and all the blood is around it's like the sea is just all he would get eaten by shards so fast that is their thing is blood that is around it by blood yeah it sounds like more of a curse than a blessing honestly yeah yeah yeah the name sounds cool blood wave is a cool name yeah but then i was like what what was that what it was like we had a crazy i got like three hours

of sleep and then did this gig and it was like i think i told you some woman admitted to murder, basically? Yeah, you said that, yeah. In your gig? Yeah, we're doing, like, crowdworking. Like, what's a crazy thing you done drunk? And she's like, I haven't drunk forever. I've done all kinds and stuff. And they were like, ah, don't admit it if you murdered somebody. She's like, well, not technically. I'm like, what? And then she's like, yeah, I was a bartender.

People got hammered. I put him by train. And then, you know, you know, anyways, yeah, just keep going with your skit. And I'm like, what? And I'm like, are they alive? And she's like, I think so. And then I'm like, what? So then I started, like, being like, okay, let me look up deaths by train in this area and I couldn't find anything.

Good. Although she could have been an alcoholic who was just saying fucking dumb shit. He's making shit up. Yeah, that's likely what happened. Yeah, I assume it's not actually a lady who murdered something

that train is openly admitting it. I mean, how many, do you think you've... So we've for sure performed for like a sex criminal. That's just statistically. But I wonder if I performed for a murder. We'd probably open for sex criminals. It's comedy after all. We've probably podcasted with them.

Ooh. Someone in the room. Statistically. Now, we all passed the pedophile test. Wait, wait, let me just double check. We checked. Oh, Colin. Nope, not into it.

Thank God. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's officially New York sanction. New York Department of Defense. Is that what it's called? They've sanctioned us. It's not non-petit filed, non-threats. It's actually isn't my license.

So it's a little thing. They're like, wait, is this legit? They're like, oh, no, he's got the hologram on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of a hologram. You can fly, sir. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I, yeah, no, it's like I wonder if we've performed for, we've had to perform for a murder. Like, that has to be. Probably. I think of how many people you've gone up in front of over your, how long have you been doing stand-up? Like 10 years? 10 years, nine years? Like, all the times you've been on stage, probably at least one person.

I'd like to believe I'd perform tennis and people who then later became murderers, you know? After you're fired. Yeah, I would have never performed to a murder in the moment, but maybe later in life, who knows? Yeah, I mean, look, that is a very possible scenario. Do you think anyone's ever committed suicide the night they saw you comedy? Statistically, yes. That's crazy. Not even statistically.

Just theoretically, yes. Theoretically, yeah. I've had some bad sets, you know? Yeah, yeah. Well, I love the Doug Stanhope story where... What is this? A guy told... Like, basically didn't commit suicide because he wanted to see Doug Stanhope perform.

And then he killed himself the next day. But fucking... the news reported, like, missed told the story. It was like, audience from him had, kills himself after seeing Doug Standhope. And then all of the friends that they reach out to the report

and be like, no, no, he was planning on kill himself anyways. He actually delayed it so you can see Doug Stanhope before he died. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doug must have not done that good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you would have just been like,

all right, well, I saw that. Damn. Well, it's also for it. That's crazy. To be scheduling in your suicide. You're like, I can't do it on Wednesday because Stanhope's on Wednesday. Yeah. And then cops is.

on Thursday. SNL Saturday. I think for a lot of people, I guess that guy I don't play that thing, but some people's like a split decision, like a lot of my friends have killed himself,

and they're like, they're like making really elaborate plans for the next week. Like, they're like, yeah, I'll pick up your dog at four and they're doing all this stuff. So I think some people,

I guess it's probably different every case. No, dude, if I, if I like find out at some point that I have like some disease that I really am not jiving with, I'm going to plan a suicide, and I'm going to plan the best week of my life.

can't wait. Yeah, yeah. I almost want to get that death sentence sooner than later, so I can just plan this great week. That's what I'll do when it comes to war. You can plan the week. You don't need to be dying. You can just. No, because I'm still in the game.

I'm still in the game right now. Just have the week. Have a fun week. I want to know that my dad just came downstairs like, Joey, you have 10 more minutes of video games and then that's it. You know? And then it's like, okay, I got to meet these next 10 minutes of video. We're quite under pressure.

Right now. I'm in the game right now. I don't have a time limit. I'm playing the game. Yeah. Yeah, that is a good... I kind of get what you're saying. If there's no...

That's kind of what I started doing mentally with like the war stuff when like war stuff starts popping off. I'm like, well... It's still on the game. I got a party. It's going to be a big weekend. It's just a lie to myself

where I'm like, yeah, you know. I was like, we could get bombed by Iran at any day. Dude, I love just the five reasons to drink. Yeah. Yeah, this guy's been doing it all week. I've been trying to do Michael a drink with me and he won't see...

He always turns over a new leaf when I turn over the old leaf. When he starts drinking, I'm not. And then when I start drinking, he's not. It's like, we'll go through phases. And we never overlap. Yeah, but also, it's been like a Sunday and a Monday. So I'm like, yeah, my work schedule is weird now.

Yeah. So I do you do. So I just got a job with the Mets. So hence that. But they play on like the weekends and like now they're on the road. So like I have this week off. What's your job? I'm trying to drink. I'm on the like fan experience team.

So I do like, I do like that shit. Dude, I couldn't get it. Really? That's so cool. Dude, I appreciate it. It's been very cool. But yeah, so I do like all the stuff between an and like the fan games.

You know, I know exactly what that. Yeah, yeah. That's sick. So it's cool, go Mets. But because of that, like, Oh, you, dude. Appreciate it. Thank you.

You're the all-star. I appreciate that. You're the reason people get going. Move over. I need that in $900 million. Yeah, so now my schedule's all weird because, like, they play on the weekends. And like this week, they're on the road. They're in like, they're playing them, I forget.

The second of the Leland or something. But, yeah, so I've been like, I work Saturday, Sunday. And then I'm like, all right, now I'm off. I want to. Now is my weekend. Now I want to drink. And Michael's like, I have to be responsible

and won't drink with me. You know what? You have my number? Because I want to look sexy in Florida. I keep being like, it's mostly I'm like, well, shirt's popping off at some point

down in Orlando. So I got to, yeah, five beers of Josh will be the maker break. Tell you. OCD brain. Fair. But I respect it.

When he's locked in something, you can't get him out of it. No, you can. It's awesome. So I understand. I'm not going to push it.

But yeah. Yeah, no, it's all stuff I want to do. I want to be drunk all of the time. I even drink with you in a long time. I would love to drink with you sometime. When was the last time I do?

I don't know, dude. It's been a long time. Tonight. Tonight, right after this podcast, right after this podcast. I know, but right after this podcast. Could be, maybe. Could be. It could be.

We could be. It could be. It's pretty good episode. All I'm saying is, you have my number now. I get after it. I'm a motherfucker. I'm a psychopath. So, dude, hit me up the next year.

I'm down. I'm super down. Can I think about my weekend? I had a weekend. Fuck, yes. What happened? This sort of thing can only happen if you drink in all day, okay? So I have a buddy who lives in New Hampshire and he was like, fuck it.

You always invite me to New York. I never come. I'm fucking coming. But I had no plan. It was last minute. I had no idea what to do. And so I was like, we're just going to drink. We're going to get dinner.

And then we're going to walk around. I don't really know. We get bombed at dinner. We drink a ton of wine, a bunch of beer. It's a fucking great time. And we start walking. And as we are walking out of the restaurant, we hear really fucking good music. and let's just follow the fucking music.

I'm still listening. I'm going to check the camera. Just going to shut off on. That's cool. All right. So we're following the music. We're following the music. And we hear the music, but it looks like a dead bar.

We're like, let's see what this dead ball is all about. The bar is dead, but we still hear the music. This guy elbows being goes, you're looking for the music? I'm like, yeah, he goes, it's the apartment third floor. Go up there. I was like, what? The apartment? So we exit the bar and we go to like the nearest apartment door, and it's like slivered open.

We open it up. We open this door. This only happened when you're on a bender. We opened this door. It's a giant house party. I'm talking about the big, it's an apartment bigger than your apartment. Filled like 100 people with a fucking rock band jamming out. Like the fucking floor is shaking.

Like the bookshelves are falling off. And it's all these people. We come in empty handed and we see this table full of liquor and beer. We just take all of it ourselves. We're just chugging beard doing shots. So are you worried at some point that the- No. My friend starts grinding with this girl.

My friend comes over to me. He goes, by the way, I just met the host of the party. Oh, that's such a good. feeling the host is cool. And now he's grinding with her. And she's like, hey, thanks for coming to my party. Hang out with us. And you're in.

There you go. Damn. And the thing is, if you plan a night and you were like, let's have a fun night, you'll never do that shit. You have to have no plans and get hammered. Exactly. That's why I got to keep saying I'm on the straight and narrow. And then we'll have the funest nights ever.

The second I... In this episode's done. We'll have the funest night ever. Every time. No, but I do agree. Like, that is when the craziest shit happens. It's like, yeah. Yeah, you guys are always like...

Say yes to beer. Yeah. Like, I was supposed to take a weekend off, and then my friend got engaged, and I was like, well, I mean, this just seems like I should do loads of ketamine at this bar. Yeah. We could get bombed by Iran tomorrow. Like, you got to do it. Yeah, exactly. That was not like I told you how crazy this was.

Have you done ketamine? No, I've done a lot, but not ketamine. This is, I don't know the science behind this at all. I did a bunch of ketamine, and I'm on the dance floor. It's a dead letter number nine, so there's all these different rooms. And I literally could see each room in front of me and could just stand. and then I literally would end up in that room within like a split second.

It was, I gotta see the security footage. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just walking into the wall. I need to see the security. Michael's just walking into the different rooms freaking out. He's like, I stepped and I'm here.

And they're like, yeah, that's how you get to room. Yeah, that's how you walk to places. If they weren't like 200 feet away, I would be like, what is going on? Like, I'm sure my brain,

I guess my brain must have been going like, hey, uh, stop thinking so that you think your time travel. Like says that. Yeah, Stop thinking. But it was the most bizarre thing.

I'd be like, a room with a chair in it. And then I'm there and there's like 30 people around me. Did it zoom in when you'd walk into the room, then zoom back out when you'd leave? Or like, how would it? Kind of. Yeah, it was, you're kind of in a disassociated state, but it was like, it was like step. And then next thing you know, I'm in this room, all these different people. Can you talk on kind of?

Like, how are you as a speaker? Slurred. No. Slurred. You are just like, I'm just. In both senses of the word. Lots of slurred. You're saying some inappropriate stuff.

It just occurred to me that slur. and slur the same word. And it's like really funny that like, that like, did racist drunk people invent the slur? Like, like, there's something connected. That has to be the origin. There has to be something. There must be a connection. I don't know what it is.

I think slur probably means slip. So they probably call a slip. Like, you know, like, if you... I wonder, yeah, why. Does slur mean slip? Like, speaking incorrectly, like, you're not supposed to say it. That's probably a good point. Yeah. But you're all down like, yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm not into my... But I like words like that. I love the word slut because it sounds like what it is. And you know exactly what it is. No one's hiding it. The vagina is slippery or the male butt. It's slippery. It's like a slut. I never thought of slut. What it made you an

inclusive? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course. Or you're, I guess it's a vagina or butt, whatever gender you are. But yeah, it's a, you're slipping into the slut. They're slippery because they're excited, they're wet, they're ready to go. You know what? I hear a slut and I think a big

boops popping off a shirt, I get really excited. But I love that too. I just had the idea for a slut and slide. Slut and slide. But it's like, let's beat it out. What is this? What is this product? A slide and slide is it like you start at the top and go down and then at the end,

you connect with a human and you have sex? I think it's a slide that leads to a fleshlight. Got it. Or like, you have to go dig first somehow. Or like, you got to do a knee slide. It's almost like you're on a knee board. You could go like just. You're the one who gets on your knees during sex?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess you do. Yeah, everybody does. But yeah, it would make, like, a kneeboard situation would probably make the most sense. Because, like, you're too top-heavy. I didn't know cool what this is. I just thought of the name.

It's like Blood Wave. Yeah. We didn't think it all the way through, but it's a same name. Yeah. Well, yeah, that would, I think the knees makes the most sense. And then whoever's, I mean, look,

it's a real, you got to really make you. That is a whole in one if you can make that happen. Yeah. Most likely somebody's, getting fucked in the ass. But if you could aim correctly, I don't know, this is a very interesting idea,

and it's pretty good. You could break your penis very easily if you don't have time of it. Going with speed out of stationary object, it would suck. That is, I would hate to break my penis. I don't understand how it works,

because people do break their penis. Yeah, but it's a muscle, isn't it? I think, yeah, but you... I don't feel like going down

this rabbit hole because I feel like I've... Yeah, my legs are getting away. Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, I've broken his penis. I see you. I think I've done this. I've explained this on this podcast before.

We got millions of new Kiltonian's. So, yeah. Explain your broken penis at Tony Hanspa. So, like, people, like, like, just for, to make it easier, I would say I broke my penis. I didn't break my penis. What happened was my bladder stopped working for, like, six months. So my penis went dormant for, like, six months. Because when, so basically, like, when the urine isn't, like, flowing through your penis,

you're not peeing out urine, like your penis, like, stops feeling useful, you know? Where did it go? Basically, if I didn't get a catheter, I would have just built up in my bladder. Jesus. So I got a catheter shoved in my bladder, and it would pour into a big urine bag,

and then I would go pee every day because, like, this urine bag would fill up, so it was like I was peeing, but I was emptying a big catheter, like almost like a septic tank for like a bus or something. Yeah, yeah. And, yeah, so I was a walking septic tank, basically. Nice.

But just for urine, I could still poop. Right, so it was like a functionary penis broke not a like physical. Because people do physical. My dick could still get hard in jizz, which was interesting. But like,

interesting. But like nobody, I couldn't like have sex with people because to keep the hole open, they had to put like a tube in your penis just so like, because apparently if you're not peeing enough, your dick hole could like close up. It closes up?

It could, it could. It could. It's like pierced ears. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You owe my dick fuse.

And the thing is I was a horny ass for people. I was 14. I was 20 as fuck. So I would still, like, get lonely a night and jerk off. And I would just watch this team and, like, go around this tube. And, like, you show up to the hospital and the bag is just full of calm. Yeah. What happened?

You're like, I don't know. It was a lot of fluids were happening around my bladder. That's crazy. I've never heard of that. So, so, yeah, people, I think every time somebody says they broke their penis, it's more so something happened where the penis is no longer functional. friend who, would this count is breaking their penis? It was one of my friends.

Sophomore year of college was having intercourse and ripped his foreskin. Ooh. Isn't that the worst thing ever? Yeah, that's, uh, he should have, he having sex with a toaster? A fucking rabbi? Um, yeah, it ripped. He just had sex with Willie Wonka when he said, I got the headgear on. Yeah, that's great.

Why that happened? He said he was having sex and then fell. a sharp pain and then there was blood and then he passed out. At that point, they don't go. Wait, when he woke up. That point they go, I think we know how to circumcise this point. Yeah, no, it was like half. When he woke up, what was the girl like?

She was freaking out. She's like, oh, my God, are you okay? Like, it was, it was all very normal. They actually ended up dating after that happened because you got after something like that. But isn't that? Yeah. Did he circumcised that? Can't really tell that story.

I think they finished the job. I forget if they finished the job, if they sewed it back up. There's no way he just wore like a cape. Yeah, literally. Half a half on. I'm sick, dude. Anyway, so I wouldn't count that as break to your penis, just it's not the actual, it's like the outside,

but it's just some food for thought. People do, there is a way, people with erections, and people with erections, I still get them. Those people. Yeah, so if you, I heard of a story of somebody doing sex time, and one of them was on, the woman was on top, and she slipped off or something, and people do have that. I've heard of that, too.

Yeah, yeah. I can't even, like, yeah. We talked about somebody else. Yeah. No, it's pretty crazy stuff. I don't know. We can talk about the shroud of Toray. Is that what it's called?

What's that? What is that? That sounds interesting. Like the Quran? What are we talking about? Yeah, so I think it's... Don't correct me on this, you nerd, but not you guys, the listeners, but the shout of tri, it's supposed to be where Jesus was like, what's it called, like, wrapped?

You know, that, like, shrine? The... No, Jesus was a battle wrapper, dude? Yeah, Jesus was a battle rapper. Jesus wrapped. He lost. You lost. Let me drop these miracles on your earroom song.

That's why they crucified him. Now shalt not steal. Thou shalt not kill. And you know me, J.C., these bars are ill. Yeah. There we go. Josh has a wrapping muscle.

Yeah. Yeah, I just feel like I just got blessed us now. Where Jesus wrapped. We did have a Christian rap station. It was sick in Orlando. Christian a rath. Oh my God. It was great.

Yeah, so this shroud or shrine of two C, whatever the fuck it's called. It's an Italian, like, it's in Italy, and it's this basically where they believed Jesus' body was rap. And I kept going 50-50 on it. I thought he was killed in Israel. Yeah, he was, but then they're saying like they... He was killed in Israel, then why were the Romans involved?

Because the Romans control, I think they controlled it at that time. They had a fucking huge empire. I might be totally wrong, but I thought he did the whole walk through like Jerusalem. That makes sense because he came in my Catholic school upbringing. Yeah, because it was Palm Sunday. Yeah, that all makes sense. It was just Palm Sunday. We should know this.

Easter's also coming up. I'm so pumped for Easter. I go to Florida with Michael's family. Please do, bro. He doesn't know it, but. Last Easter I was doing the weight loss thing, and I was just eating like hard-boiled eggs. Dude, I'm going to get plastered on mimoses

and just eat southern food and just like, oh, just. When do you leave? Tomorrow. Oh, that's exciting. I'm going to be here alone. Dude, come up on the couch, dude. Dude, calm all over this couch. Fuck Jake, dude.

One drop on each couch cushion. One drop. But it was, from, from his comeback. We just like, just like a, there's got a nozzle on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a little, yeah, yeah.

A picture like, slap the bag, man. Slap the bag, man. Slap the bag, that was my piss. Yeah, so it's like where he was, like, wrapped in, and I don't know,

I almost don't believe in carbon dating. I know that sounds crazy, but I am just, I don't, if I don't grasp how they do it, so I'm like, I don't know. I think Navar got to get a bit about.

What is carbon dating? They like, look at it and they go, like, oh, we did studies, this has to be like 400 or 500 years old. And Bargazzi has a bit on it, too. I'm like, I don't know. Like, how would you really, I don't know. It just seems, it seems tricky to carbon

date. I don't know. Yeah. Like, I don't even believe George Washington's house is his. I'm like, you know, they just took a house. They just found a house. Well, well, hear me out. Like, I am not religious at all. And I don't give a flog about Christian science and all that bullshit. That's why he's invited to the... But I will say this. The Christians

have a point when they're like, are dinosaurs real? Where are these? bones coming from? Are you just finding bones and be like, wouldn't it be cool if we put all these bones together and make it look like this? Like, I feel like, I feel like if you give me bones in super glue, I can make a T-Rex right now. If they were just completely

off on what the dinosaurs look like because they just, give me a bunch of like dead animals. Give me a dead cow. Give me a dead dog. Give me a dead human dude. Give me all those bones. I could fucking sculpt whatever I want. That's an interesting question. If we had a pile of all human bones, do you think you could put it together? Not all 200.

of them. I think I could by touching. I could be like, okay, that could be the kneecap. Like, it would take me probably

like 24 hours. I feel like I could get like the legs, the rib cage, the head. This is like a good like, shoulder-

unfocked for a fraternity. It's like, to leave the basement, you need to make this reassemble your pledge brother. Just kill like the most annoying one and make them back together.

We're going to blackball up, but this. is way more effective. This sends a message. What was hazing like at FSU? I was in a frat, but I went to UCLA

and like, it's pretty nerdy school. It's fun, but it's nerdy. And so, like, it was light. Like,

it was just like, we had to drink beer and stuff. I was, like, the dean was constantly knocking on our door. So I barely got hazed. The dean literally knocked on your door

like it was like a college movie. Yeah. Yeah. You guys are too rowdy. One more. A semester. And you're done. But,

But what about the big party? No more about it. The semester, the next semester when I was like officially a brother, we got kicked off campus. Damn. Yeah.

So you didn't just, so what was your hazing? I will say all the secrets, everything about Sigma Chiapsa. I don't believe in any of that. I don't care if I took an oath. Fuck that oath. So.

Is there anything crazy, like ridiculous? No, it was all fun. It was like basically like, you know, stuff like, uh, lots of like, uh, blindfolded in the trunk.

Here's a bottle of vodka. You got in the woods. you don't really know where you are. Lots of like, you know, you ought to remember all the father's names. You basically would do stuff like that. It's very culty. Yeah, it is very culty, yeah. But it's, like, I liked everything we did.

I mean, so, yeah, we did the same shit. Yeah, I was like no gay stuff outside of pledging, but afterwards, you know, that's what real fun happens. Well, you live in New York. You have to run into a little bit of gay stuff by this point. Yeah, yeah, I've decided it's not for me. Actually, I think my brain's decided it's not for me. I'm trying to think the gayest thing I've done.

Michael runs the pedophile test and the gay test every morning when he gets up. Yeah. It's like, nope. Nope. I've never done anything with a man. I never, like, kissed a man. But I'm like, I've had like, like, like, moments where, like a guy touches me in a way. And I go, I am, just not my thing.

Well, what you know what's crazy is that I realize that Christianity, like it or not, has such a big impact on so much of society. Even, like, I feel like with three people probably don't give a fuck about God and religion and all that shit, right? You speak for yourself. Well, like, it's like ingrained into us. He just did it so wrong. It's ingrained to us so hard because I have been doing a lot of research about Genghis Kong recently

because Gagnos, because Gaines Kong was before Roman, Catholic, all that shit. And this is like the manliest dude ever who fucking ruled all over the world by straight up barbarian fighting. And, you know, it doesn't get more badass than Genghis Kong. And I'm researching him. And he fucking had this gay lover

that he, like, he, like, thought was his soul made. And, like, he took care of. and he was like, this man means more to me than anyone else. He also had tons of wives and shit that, like, he would have tons of kids with. But that was mainly for procreating. He had this, like, gay guy that, like, was his, like, favorite. And dual sexuality is used to, like, like, the Romans were all very... Yeah, like, what happened?

Once the Catholic church got involved... It is all religious. All the gay shit stopped happening. Yeah, I think it is rooted in religion. I still don't know why. I'm talking about the manliest fucking guy. Genghis con. Yeah.

Dangus Kung. Am I a pussy? Because I'm like, ugh, penis. I'm afraid of a penis. Get that away from me. Dude, I think I'm the loser, dude. I'm not manly enough to take a dick. What's wrong with me? No, yeah, I do think that is, I do agree that completely.

I think your sexuality has nothing to do with how tough you are as a guy. Yeah. I don't know where some of it comes from, where there's the effeminate guy. I have no idea of psychology behind that aspect of it. But it's like, yeah, no, it's like, I mean, J.J. Learbonds on this podcast sometimes, and he is like, the dude is dude ever, and he fucks dudes and women. Who is JJ Lieberman?

He's the bald guy that talks like this J.J. Lieberman. I'm not a pervert, but there's no, is he a comedian? Yeah, yeah. Okay. But yeah, no, I don't think that has anything to do with any of that. But, but... Wait, and then I even looked up the guy who was his assolment. I'm like, so maybe he was the dumb and this was the twink. This guy also ruled a smaller empire. Like, this guy, was also a manly as... That's a power couple, dude. That's insane. Holy shit.

I mean, his was like a small barbarian tribe, but like he was the leader of a barbarian tribe. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's a... Yeah, I want to put myself in an ancient gay relationship. I'm curious what that's like. Like two power gays where you're like, you're like basically like, no one plays the more submissive role.

Just two. That sounds so fun. Like, I kind of wish I was gay sometimes because I'm like, oh, just hanging out with dudes. Hanging out with dudes. It seems so fun. Oh, dude. You can hang out with dudes without being gay. You just keep putting these like,

I must do this to do that for like very normal things. Yeah, but imagine just like, oh man, I wish I was vegan so I could have a salad tonight, but fucking... Why? I can't be gay either, so I can't do that. But I get it bad. You're just like, fucking guy. You're like, dude, and then you fucking came so hard, brother. Great fucking dick.

Like that, that camaraderie sounds fun. Yeah, it's just crazy that, like, the Catholic Church has suppressed homosexuality so much. much that like it now it now it's only like mainstream to do it if you're like you're a priest raping a little kid it's like what the fuck like they went the complete other way it's like it i think the catholic church created more evil than than good but also the catholic church was later like i think it's like there was lots of stuff before that i don't know was wait no i think they're romans jewish what do the romans

believe they were they were polym uh polymars they were a poly religion like they had many gods like the greek religion the wow were they mad and fucking i know i know i know Yeah, yeah, they had Roman gods after the planets. Because they were made of Jesus and shit. Because they were all like, we had many gods. But Jesus was like the one god though. And they were like, we have many gods. It was like the one god.

They were like, you can't have one god. You have many gods and they killed him because they were like, you know, one god is confusing. Wait, wait, but that doesn't make sense. Because the rabbis went to Pontchus pilot. No, they don't fuck with the Jews either. No, no. Jesus was Jewish. Right.

But what I'm saying too is. The Jews also believe the one God. But the thing is like the Jews were able to money laund, not money launder. Yes, they were. They were. So the way the Jews gained power in the Roman Empire is because the Romans thought it was bad to fucking like

to like lend money, like take loans. Like that was bad. But the Jews were like our religion doesn't have any problem with that. So the Jews became the bankers and the loaners. And so Romans can get loans and stuff. And then when the Jews got rich, That's when all the conspiracy there just came out

because the Romans were like, wait a second, why do all these Jews have money? They're like, because you gave them fucking money. Right. And then the Bible, it vilifies like tax collectors and shit. There it is. Because of that. Because of that, yeah.

And it was an aspect. It was like, the Romans did kill Jesus, but the rabbis did go to the Romans and be like, hey, we got to fucking kill Jesus guy. Oh, yeah, they went to Pommis Pilot, motherfucker. Yeah, yeah. What a badass name, by that way.

Pontius Pilots is so tough. Pompest pilot or whatever the fucking, it's a great name. Yeah. It's also, too, because it's a lot of it. Like one of those things were like Jesus was killed with two other dudes. Yeah, who were they? So there was three dudes.

There was three dudes, but, but they only had three crosses and they had Jesus and three dudes. So they're like, we have to get rid of one of these three guys to put Jesus up there. So they literally have to remove a guy who was a villain and put Jesus up there.

Imagine that guy getting the lucky edge of the store. Oh, my God, what a lucky. I'm sure they probably killed him still. No, they let him free. No, I think he went to jail. You got free or went to jail? I think they set him free. I think that's one of the whole things.

It's like, why did you kill Jesus when you, like, let this murderer down? It was like, part of the controversy of the whole thing, you know? Because two of the other guys were thieves. And that sort of thing is, like, still happening today, if you think about it. How many times do we hear about, like, these, like, rich, like, child rapists getting free from jail? But then, like, some dude who sold crack is, like, going to jail. I was like, wait a second. The crack guy was just trying to make money.

Right. Why is the fucking pedophile getting free? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that is, yeah, that makes sense. I looked it up today because it was curious. So there was Demetis. Can you look up the two other guys? that were killed. So one of them became a saint

because basically he was like, one guy was talking mad shit to Jesus on the cross apparently and he's like, you're not the son of God, fuck you. And the other guy's like, you're wrong.

This guy is the son of God. And he's like, come on, bro, help me out. And Jesus is like, I forgive you. I don't know why he didn't like forgive the other guy. Yeah.

But then the other guy, one of them became a saint. Also, you know the average I back then was 5.3? Damn. I didn't know that. Is Jesus? Was he short?

Well, this is the whole thing with the shroud of whatever is they like, they're like, all right, well, this guy would have been 5'10 or 6 foot, and Jesus would have been 5'3, but then they're saying because of crucifixion, his body could have, like, stretched. According to the gospel of Luke, one criminal mocked Jesus while the other, known as the penitent thief, acknowledge his own guilt and ask Jesus to remember him receiving a promise of paradise. Yeah, that's not a hard risk in the last three minutes of your life. Literally.

Yeah, maybe Jesus is right. Yeah, maybe Jesus is real after all these years. Maybe I'm wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's the, uh, it gets. weird because the interesting thing I thought about the shroud was they do have a crown of thorns in the thing. That's part of the thing. They're like, okay, this wasn't another person who got crucified because of the

crown of thorns. But they're like, Jesus was the only guy crucified the crown of thorns. I'm like, bullshit. I guarantee you the next week. They're like, that ground of thorns, that's a great idea. We should do that on the next, like, 10 people. They're like, this is a great way of disrespect somebody. Let's put a crown of thorns on them. Yeah, that's a fun look. Wait, speaking of Jesus

and forgiving people, I just had a I just remembered something. Yeah. I told you I was on a bender all weekend. Remember we talked about that? One of the things we did is we went to this bar that was really packed, fun bar, weird bar, not my vibe. And I was standing by like the bathroom, just like not on purpose. That's where I was standing. I guess the bounce that's due to the bathroom.

And the bouncer walks over to me and just so aggressively just gives me the toughest push I've ever gotten in my life. I was right to the bathroom. And when he came out of the bathroom, I was like, no, no, I think before you went to the bathroom, my staff was like, hey, excuse me. Hey, hey, man, you just pushed me. Next time, could you please just say, excuse me? And he goes, oh, but you're talking back to the wrong guy. I'm like, no, I'm not talking back to. I'm starting a conversation telling you.

And he literally pushes me all the way to the fucking outside. And the owner of the bar is standing outside. And the owner's like, what's going on? And before the bouncing or say anything, I said, this man pushed me and then got mad at me when I said, please don't push me out. But don't worry, don't worry. I looked at him down in the eyes out. I forgive you. Jesus loves you.

and you don't have to deal with that because you're going to realize that what you did was wrong and it's okay. And the bouncer was so speechless. He was like, uh, uh, you're changing your story on me.

Dude, bouncers in their fucking egos, dude, I swear, you just give like a bigger, like meathead of a black windbreaker and they just are like, I'm going to hurt people now.

I'm going to, that's my thing. He pushed me for no reason. He could have been like, dude, I'm going to the bathroom. Yeah, seriously.

I like that. That's a great move to, I will say some people make Make you religious. I love you. Jesus forgives you and you have to live with that.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a good way to... Deescalate. Yeah. That is a really... You're changing your story on me. It's like, no, dude, I just don't want to be pushed.

Yeah. That's my story. Yeah, that's a good way to deal with it. I think, I don't know, it's got to be hard that when you're almost

like trying to get into a fight. I'm not a big drunk fight guy, but I think it gives me a little more confidence to fight people. Like, I don't actually get drunk. and fight people.

But if somebody's talking shit, I do get a little more arrogant. I'm not a fighter, but I'm a justice person. I'm a justice warrior. I'm a justice warrior. But I'm a justice warrior in the sense of like the woke way.

I'm a justice warrior and like I want justice. Don't push me. Look me in the eyes and tell me why you did that. You're grown up. Grown up. Use your big boy voice.

Yeah. Yeah. And this man had no big boy voice. I don't know how. One of our roommates, the other one, he keeps saying this fucking bullshit where he thinks he could feed.

He's such a cop out. He's like, I could be both you guys in a fight. First off, I get that I'm not that stronger that could have a fighter, but two people. Two,

he wants to fight you guys? Yeah, no, he does it because I go, let's put some, like, sparring gear on. We'll try it.

He goes, I don't want to hurt you guys, which is such a cop fighter. Such a cop out of him. He's way stronger than me. He'd beat the fuck out of me in a fight, but two people. He is strong and he is big,

but two people. I don't know, I played basketball with him before. He's very uncoordinated. Noted. Noted. Noted. We'll be sneaky.

we'll talk. Tell Jake right now. I don't think you can let a contact on me. I would love but no no

this will be his cop out of he'll say some shit I don't even want I don't want to hurt you Yeah yeah I wouldn't even try it You can't say You can't say that

You have to say Yeah sure Whatever he thinks You can be in Okay then go easy on us In a sparring match Go easy on us And he's like

And he's like And Lance and blows It just I'm like dude I'm like dude You would beat the fuck out of me in a fight

Probably in two minutes But two people is so hard to fight Two grown men is too hard to fight Dude dude when I wrestle with my little nephews and cousins like they're babies they're like five six years

but two at the same time you can like get socket punch without even exactly you know yeah so he thinks he is stronger than two todd us any of us fighting two toddlers it's like come on

it's like I just don't and the tensions are going to rise to where this will happen it might happen eventually I'm not a fighter neither's might but it might just be like for your Patreon film it content

sell it. Paperview. Yeah. Paperview Fight Club. My thing is I'm not good at striking, but I am good at wrestling because I did it for like seven years. Yeah, I'm not good at anything. Also, you have like the fuck you eyes. I feel like when you are mad, like, who knows what you're capable of?

Yeah. You're scary when you're mad. That's I tell my therapist. Yeah. Who knows what I'm capable of? Yeah. You're charged me this week. We'll see what happens.

We'll see. Be the shit out of your thing. You're a new friend. I don't know where I feel on your age. Very unintimitating. I've never been told once I'm, intimidating by anyone. I don't want to fight, man. I like to verbally argue for a little

same. I'll talk shit. I'll talk shit. But yeah, I'll know what I won't fight. I did talk a lot of shit. I think I told you as the guy at the bar the other night that thought I was a pimp. We didn't hear of the corner was in? No, no, I was just the bar talking these two girls. This guy goes he goes, ladies,

I want you to know, we're just joking around. I'm like, she's probably like to this one. You're probably to that one. And this is me like trying to get a threesome off the ground, which is just night. Always a good move. Yeah, I was like, we'll see if this could work or whatever. And this guy just goes, you know,

I know abuse when I see it and you ladies don't have to take it. He doesn't have control over you. And I was like, what do you think is happening? The guy's just like, the guy's like, I don't know what I think is happening.

How old was this guy? He was like, there's some like 60 year old guy who's probably trying to fuck them. I will say, dude, the like being the good guy and like helping the girl is like, when it works out is like great move.

You're like good. You can tell. When it doesn't work out, it's like the most like, embarrassing. You're like, Hey, by the way, like, I know that this guy's all over you. And she's like, yeah, that's my boyfriend.

I'm like, oh, shit, all right, have fun. Like, yeah, yeah. I've seen a woman getting strangled at a bar and I walked there. Like, so everything's cool here. And she's like, he's like, is everything cool here? I go, what? They're like, we're into this. And I'm like, don't choke a lady at a bar.

And then act like, that's normal for me to not walk up and, like, say something. But that's an extreme situation. But I'm like, in what we're, I start to fuck with a guy even more. I'm like, watch this. I'm like, hey, hey, you better not talk back to me. you know what happens just to see the guy turn around and start being like, but the thing is, he still did nothing. The guy was just a giant pussy.

I was like, I was like, I was like, you said he was 60? Yeah. Yeah, what was he to do? Was he just going to say, but how much sales does he have to make these people? But if he's going to fucking talk shit like that, he should be able to, I don't know, it's like, he's like a cop. So what happens?

If I was, if I was a pimp, do you think some guy at the ball? I'm going to go, oh, yeah, I guess I'm not going to, you're right. I'm going to treat my whores with respect because the guy said a thing. It's like, no. Yeah, I'm going to beat my horse twice as hard now that you called them out. Yeah.

He also was saying it to them and not me. So I was kind of like, come on. Yeah. Wait, wait. I love the fact that he thinks I was a pimp that had somehow manipulated these two. Like, I'm like, yeah, yeah. I'm like, no, it's not what? I don't want to say this is the inverse, but I like the inverse adjacent to something of that this weekend.

I was out there's like, it was that. Those are two opposite things, by the way. It's adjacent to what the inverse. of this would be, if that makes sense. Like the opposite. So it's, so it's adjacent to it. It's like, Knieborder. No, adjacent to the inverse.

Yeah, adjacent to the inverse. Can I give you the example? No, no, no, no, no, no. I am not letting this up. No, no, you're wrong. Inverse would mean the opposite. Yes, and he means it's similar to that. Similar to the opposite.

I don't want to say it's not the exact opposite, but it's like it's, he's on the other end. Why would you just say it's adjacent? Okay, it's adjacent. No, no, no, I'm with like that. I'm retarded. I don't know. It's similar to the opposite of that. Let's hear the story.

Let's hear the story. It better be fucking good. It's fine. At that party that we, I crashed this weekend with my friends. My girlfriend was with us. And she was wearing a baggy t-shirt, but she had this, like, hot tank top thing underneath it.

And the dance thing got really hot. And at one point, she takes the fucking shirt off to reveal that she's wearing this tank top. And when she, like, takes it off, she looks up to just see this guy just drool and looking at her. Like, like, so intensely. like, like checking her out. And she just looks at me being like,

are you going to do something? Like, like, talk to this guy. And I was like, you just are a girl who just took your shirt off at a party to reveal a slutty tank top. He is the right. Like, I feel like he's in the, like, what am I going to say to him?

Don't, don't objectify the girl taking a shirt off. You know what I mean? I'm like, don't look this way. Like I get it. I'm like, I know. It's a, that's my girl. I'm with you.

Like, I feel like what we all saw this. We can all appreciate this. What a great day for America. Yes. staring is totally acceptable. Yeah, like, I get it. There's a degree if you're like, yeah, like, if he was like being,

like he wasn't being aggressive or weird, like he, he kept this distance. I'm just like, yeah, like, like I would, I'm with my girlfriend of another girl that.

I would have been drooling looking at the same thing too. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that,

am I just coming back for saying that? No, no, no, not at all. It is that like at one, at what point do you really like, intervene, like,

looking, talking, trying to make, like, at what point do you, like step in as the boyfriend to just like because I'll be honest like if my girlfriend like is talking to a guy at a bar I'm just like

I mean we have a I feel comfortable enough and I'm just like all right she'll curve him and like I don't feel the need to like get up and be like you what the fuck are you doing I'm just like all right she'll curving and we'll be fine and she wasn't monitoring though to a degree oh I'm monitor I'm monitor I'm also like then I'll see them talking I'll see her turn and like point at me and I'm like yeah we're in the fucking we're in the fucking

also just to be clear she's like yo look at that ugly bitch up there you're like oh fuck I'm like a school chaperone. I'm like keeping an eye out. Hey, I watch you. I'm not going to do anything about it now, but that's one strike. Yeah. Yeah.

So that's one strike. If you finger my girlfriend, I'm going to get very mad. That's two strikes. That'll bother me. I'm going to have to get mad. Just to be clear, she wasn't actually like, do something I'm mad. It was more like you really have no reaction. I'm like, yeah, no reaction.

It's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think you did the right thing. And I think you need to break up with your girlfriend and come live with us. Dude. You're in here. We're kicking you? Yeah, dude.

Oh, we're gonna kick his ass and then we're gonna get him out. I'll help you kick his ass if I guess. I guarantee if we put him right here right now, he would say he could fight all three of us. Yeah, I'm like, you can't. And you know what? If I lived here, if I lived here,

Michael good? I want to wake up the condoms on this couch every fucking morning. Thank you. Okay. Well. All right, whatever. I guess I'm good in my ass kick.

Dude, I could beat up both of you right now. It also, it doesn't disturb me. If Jake was like, I could beat the fuck out of you, wouldn't her, without a second. I go, yeah, 100%. what angers me, it actually is getting to me, is that he, there's not even a, like,

maybe you guys could possibly. No, he thinks it's like, yeah, yeah. He's like, no, zero percent chance at three seconds would be done. I'm like, there's no way. Has he ever been in a fight? Yeah, he's been lots of fights. Wait, why?

Scrappy guy. Wait, Jake. Our fights and shit. Wait, why? We're not supposed to be saying his name as many times, but I'm not even going to do. Wait, I thought he's a sweet, poetic, like, nice guy.

No, he is, but he's secretly jacked and very tough. He works out? Yeah. Yeah, and he moves all day. Like, he's a mover. So he moves all day. Just carries a weight on top of that. So he's pretty jack.

He lifts weight and moves. I always thought. He's pretty strong. I always picture him in the park. We did a shirtless figure of him pulled up on the pond? Yeah, go ahead. Yeah. Paxon superimpose.

Yeah. I don't know if I'm supposed to say his name either. I said his name. I said his name. Paxton, put one up on the screen right here. Look, I feel like he's in a modern day. I thought he was a modern day. Leonard Cohen.

I thought he was out there just writing poetry for women. He listens. to Monterey let her go and I'll come out of here. I feel like we low-key leave the apartment and he's just watching like Girls Gun Wild and like Oil Wrestling and then we come in and he's playing like 1940s jazz. Yeah, yeah, something calm. Yeah, like, I can't even

fathom. I need a private PI, like PI, like Pi, like just follow him around. What if he's just fighting two guys at once all day? Like, you just probably like, oh shit. I'm gonna- I'm gonna follow Jake like three days straight and see

this evil side of him. Get back to us on I need to find out the evilness. I think you'll be pretty bored. He sounds like a boring guy. I'm being honest. He's not boring, but... I think his day to day. He's a very interesting figure,

but the day to day is not going to be that out of control. But I want to see the bar fight version of him. Should I set it up? This is what we should do. We should find guys that are exactly our build and sick them on him and see if he can defend it. And then we go, look, we matched up all the stats. That guy curls as much as me.

That guy is as much as me. That guy's my weight. You lost. Yeah. It's the cop. Find our band and just attack that guy. Yeah, yeah, I tagged that guy. We'll give you $300.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, do it. 50, 300, whatever. Oh, we are. We are going over time, though, but I have had so much fucking fun. It's just an electric episode. I feel like I learned a lot about Jesus, which is, what else could I want? That was, like, the shoe horning thing that I wanted to, like, just touch on, but we didn't even get, look, if you like Jesus, listen to the next episode, because that's all. We're about to record a picture that episode where it's all Jesus.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for listening. Where can they find you guys online? I'm the Joey Rinaldi on Instagram and TikTok YouTube and whatever else. I don't know, social media stuff. Yeah. Yeah. And if you liked my little freestyle, I actually don't have much comedy stuff online,

but if you liked my little Jesus bar, I do make comedy rap music look up Munch Diddley on TikTok and Instagram. I promise it's real. You'll see me in some pants. So scope that if you like me rapping. Yeah, these are both fucking hilarious guys, both very, very funny. funny and stand-up and outside of stand-up and the fact that the rap I love, it's a great

time. Thank you. Thank you for having us. Michael Good. It was honor. Best