Morning Good - Do I Like Acting? - Episode 91

Episode Date: June 22, 2022

Thanks to Joe and Jason for coming back on the show and being hilarious. Make sure to check them out and give them a follow to stay updated with everything they've got going on.You can find Jason on IG @jasondcomedy, Joe is on Instagram as well @joenotfamous and Twitter as well @joe_for_you.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good? I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. All right, and we're here. I'm here. I'm here. And you're fucking late. And then you took a shit. Yes. And you turn the water on so that me and Jason wouldn't know you were.

I didn't know you were shitting. You're like, I was going to take a big nasty shit and then leave the door open. But then you're like, God forbid, they hear my asshole. That's not true. That's not true. That's not true at all. I don't care if you guys hear me shit. I turn the water on for myself. Watching the water flow helps me shit. I think. Is that true?

Yes. Oh, we're also here with Jason David. But that is very weird. Well, I was molested as a child, as you well know, Michael. So I feel very uncle. I told you, every time I shit, I have to take a shower after. So believe you me, buddy boy, after I shit, I was under your sink, just washing my ass all. cleaning. In my sink. Yes, I was. And then also, if you don't mind, I would like to take

shower after this. Thank you. Thank you very much. That might be the worst part of you getting molested is the fact that you would put your own shit in my thing. Wait, who molested you? It's like a whole thing. Say their full legal name. No, no, no, it's not that. I would. It's just, I, I feel weird about saying I was molested because I have... Really? Because he brought it up within five days than being on this podcast. No, yeah, yeah, I take all the, I claim all the benefits of being molested. But I just don't want to get into it.

I say dodgy memory. I have one memory of, like, being fondled, and then I don't remember my entire childhood, but that could also be because my dad's abusive to my mom, so I don't know, you know? Oh, shit. You don't remember your whole childhood? I really don't.

I don't remember until I was, like, 13 on a soccer field, basically. You just get molested that whole time. I could have been molested a few times, or literally, every once in a while, I'll remember, like, a moment as a child, and it's just my dad screaming at my mom. Damn. And then so it's like, it's like, oh, that could have just been it, you know?

So I don't know. Damn. I assume you'd at least remember, like, the candy before getting molested. My mom gets all just negative. There was no. Joe's just like, yeah, I was like five years old and this guy gave me a beverage and then I woke up naked on a soccer field when I was 13. Yeah, no, no, I'm Spanish, so there's no candy. It's just like paella.

That's what they lure you in. You want some seafood in a nice digit, you know? Or they make you break it out of the pinata first. You got to work for the candy. and then you get it. You just break it up, it's all condoms, and it's like, you're gonna need those. Imagine someone just starts screaming

every time they hear that sound. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Well, everybody's triggers everything. Like, somebody's trigger, I was thinking about this is like ska music. You know what I mean? Like, trumpets or something.

Like, everybody has, like, an alcoholic trigger. Like, you're an alcoholic, and you're in a ska band, you hear ska music, and now you're gonna want to drink. That just makes me want to fucking pound Jack Daniels. And you're like, really? Yeah. Seems like more of a, like, like, like, like, a,

like, a, like, a, I feel like that goes with Scott Meager. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. What goes with Scott? Did you ever drink Yeager? No, not really. It's horrendous.

It tastes like cops there, right? Yeah, it's fucking disgusting. I drank it when I was in high school. Yeah. Yeah, loaded. We would make bongs. We made gravity bongs. It was that shit, dude.

Grab bongs are so sick. You get so high immediately. You're about to faint, bro. Oh, yeah. It is, like, how high you would get in, like, I would get in high school, and it's like, later on. I don't even know what the point of that was.

It's not even like how, like, a person smokes weed, as an adult. I don't think I was a person in high school. I was just high all day long and trying to get pussy from my my high school girlfriend. Like, there was no learning at all going on. He's looking at me holding the connection. I'm so nervous. Wait, wait, just push it in. All right, we're good. We're fine. We're fine. I'm being over paranoid about it. I like that I'm more concerned about his microphone than the whole part about him getting molested. He's really opened up and then I'm like, yeah, the microphone though. He's like, I just have a lot of bad memories and you're just like, hold it tighter.

Hold it tighter. The weirdest thing about talking about it is that I don't feel connected to it at all. To me, it's just like the backstory. I'm like a super villain, basically. But like, to other people, whenever you say it, people get like this serious tone. I'm like, all right, I guess we could be serious

about my molestation. But I don't, you start smiling when I said that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Joe's just like, I guess I was just so hot when I was young that people just couldn't resist me. Yeah. Well, my thing, too, is like, well, that's how I feel about, like, certain fucked up things when you talk about him, it's like,

I don't know, it's like you can be comfortable enough to talk about something in like a funny light. You know what I mean? With certain things. I mean, I never been molested, but I told you I was almost. What, what happened there? Oh, there was this lifeguard. It didn't make the cut, huh?

Didn't make the cut, didn't make the cut. He like, he would, I talked about us the last episode. I'll talk about it again. He would, like, take us, like, rock climbing and, like, laser tagging and stuff like that. He was courting you. Yeah, for sure, yeah. I mean, he put it in fucking effort. Yeah, yeah.

Because he never got to it. he, like, would put in fucking his time. How did you know he was a molester? So he paints. Esther the molester over here. What's his name? I'm not going to say. You don't, his first name?

I'm not going to say his first name. Why? It's a very specific. Is he a known pedophile? You're like, I don't want to ruin this guy in life. Dude, I don't do cock block. No, no. It's like, it's like, I don't, he's never been caught.

So I'm like, I don't want to like, and he listens to the pod. So I'm just kidding. I can't, I consider him a friend. Yeah, I can't afford to lose the listener. He subscribes. What do you want from me? Well, his thing was like, I saw a pants one of my friends one time. I'm like, that's a little weird because we were like 12 and he was like 25.

And then he would like take us to, uh, yeah, I, he hit me up one time and he's like, yo, me and my friends are going to Miami. We should all get these matching speedos. You should come with us. I'm like, that's a little weird. That's not for sure. And then another time I saw a message where he's like, yo, you and your brother should, I'm house sitting for somebody. You guys should come over and get drunk with me. Yeah, he's for sure a pedophile.

Right, right. And then also the other message is, you. The other messages were like, man, I bet you get wild. I bet you get crazy, man, and stuff like that. Michael keeps looking. He told me the story four minutes ago, but he's, like, looking at me like he's sharing it with me. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, what do you think about this?

What do you think about? That's weird that he's still out and about. Yeah, and all of his jobs are kid-related. Like, all of them. I mean, I don't know how you used to... The problem is you can't, like, it's fucked up, but I can't just, like, go to whatever YMCA he works at. I'd be like, hey, this guy might be a pedophile. They're like, I...

You absolutely could, though. You could literally go up to them and be like, hey, keep an eye on this guy because of all this weird shit. And like, what's wrong with that? I'm gonna do that immediately. That's a great... I don't know why that never crossed my mind.

He's never gonna do that. I mean, I will do that. Dude, if I could stop one kid from getting molested, I'll do it. I haven't done a lot of good things in my life. Next time you're home, you're gonna be like, I'm just only here for like three days. Yeah, I don't have time to go to like...

Do you believe in karma? Do you believe in karma? Yeah, yeah. Well, then like, I mean, if you, I don't know if I believe in it, but if it exists, like, I can't imagine you're getting better a karma than... Yeah, yeah. I never, it's like, I never even... It sounds fucked up, but it just never crossed my mind, because I didn't know that you could go about and, like, okay, this guy's weird.

Like, you know, I don't know if it's... That's all girls do. Yeah, yeah, that's literally all they do. Yeah, that's a guy you're not used to that. Because girls tell each other that, they're like, this guy's a fucking rapist or something. You just never think about that. Yeah, yeah. Girls are on that type of shit, huh?

They're like, this guy kissed me. He's a rapist. Did that happen to Joe? That's why he was late. Joe just keeps showing up on pie guys. These bitches are just having rude and reputation. I don't want to be Debbie Downer here, but it does smell in your apartment now.

And whose fault is that, Michael? It's yours. Did you leave the fan on Jason David? Yeah. All right, good. Because it smells bad. I like, you not put this on a massive shit. It's show up an hour late.

You take a massive shit. And you're like, what is going on? Your apartment's gross. I'm just saying. But is this what the podcast is about? What's up? Is this what the? This podcast is a...

No, no, no. Honestly. What's the topic? What's the topic? What's the topic? I kind of want to talk about getting high in high school there. Because that's... That was the peak of my life than I haven't...

That is as cool as... That is as cool as it ever got. Yeah, for sure. Smoking weed in high school. Do you guys like that? No. I feel like I wasted... I'm so, so mad that I didn't know I wanted to do comedy in high school.

Because I would have... Much rather just started right then. Boom. Yeah. But the things I would have said have been wild. I was like a big Republican. I was like libertarian Republican where I was like kind of like very... That's the gayest shit ever.

You're political and high school. The coolest thing for a high school student to be, a libertarian. It was so lame. And I would just, like, my views were just stupid in a lot of things. I'm not, I'm not saying. Oh, was it lame? Yeah, we got that. We covered that.

Fucking idiot. If shit is been a straight of a Republican, that would have been cool. But I would have got on stage and be like, you want to take my fucking guns away, huh? And they'd be like, you're fucking 15. Why are you talking about that? 15-year-old talking about Ron Paul? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The lamest thing.

Yeah, you can't. With your face, you can't have the, it's just too bold. boring. It's too boring. With that, with that political ideology, yeah, it's way, it's way too much.

Yeah, people know what, yeah, what's going on, yeah. There are high school kids that are way more political now, though. That's for sure. Yeah, and they're fucking annoying. They're so annoying.

I walked through some kids that were going to, like, some abortion protests, and I was like, fucking this is sad. If you could believe it. You guys should be doing draw, like, I mean,

it's a whole Louisville. He used to be one of those guys. He was saying, oh, yeah, he was an anti-abortion kid. Panadipino used to, he used to, walked us, he used to go to school with like shirts

that had like aborted fetuses on them. What the fuck is wrong with you two? I don't understand. Who gives a fuck this much? You guys can't? Are you saying Michael and Patty? Oh, I thought you were talking about us for joking and be like, fuck you guys for making fun of Patty for trying to make a difference in the world. Not at all. I couldn't

yeah, I don't know. I've been apathetic my whole life for sure. Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, that's one of those things. Yeah, it's crazy to get invested and stuff like that at that age too. It's like, yeah, you should be having so much fun. Like, and none of it's, it just, none of it means

anything as far as the academics, right? You know what I mean? It does a little bit if you go to college. Like, my only reason to college was to bang chicks and drink alcohol. Like, that's the only motivation I had. What's, did you do that in college? Did you bang chicks and drink alcohol in college? I mean, like the normal amount?

You did, yeah. Were you in a fraternity? I wasn't a fraternity. Oh, my God. All right. So go on. Jewish fraternity. Ew.

Go on. Go on about what? just my college experience. And explain what a Jewish fraternity was like. I went to, I went to. Barakato. What? Boca Tov.

Boca Toh. Rocatea. Oh, so it wasn't that Jewish. But it was a. A.E. I was in Sammy. With Sammy. It's just another Jewish fraternity.

But I went to school in California. I should have gone to like NYU. I would have like fit in better. But I went to USC. So it was just like everyone who was fucking was like a big like blonde Adonis. And I was like, it's so weird that these like six foot tall. supermodels would go here. Like, don't want to talk to me that much.

I'm like, oh, have you seen there will be blood? And they're like, I never want to speak to ever again. And I don't know. I met my girlfriend, uh, my, between my junior and senior year of college. You met her then? Yeah. What did you, how did you guys meet? Uh, theater camp.

It's, it's so funny to whisper, that's the gayest fucking thing in the world. Unlike a microphone that's for sure picking it up. It would be funny to whisper to them and be like, that's so fucking gay. It's really cool. Tell me more about that. You guys are the listeners getting here, but you have no idea. You're like, it's fucking pussy.

So are you trying to be an actor? Were you trying to be in a house? I was at that point, but no, I'm just trying to be a comedian. I heard theater girl, I mean, this is no new information, but is it true that there were a bunch of whores in theater? Is that, yeah? Are girls whores at the theater camp? I heard there's a lot of bisexual chicks making out with each other.

Chicks fingering chicks. Dude's blowing dudes. Dudes. It sounds gay. The dudes who finger girls should blow chicks who finger dudes. There's too many, like, particular links in that chain for me to validate it every point. Were you blowing dudes and watching Chick's Finger Chicks? I was not watching Chick's Finger Chicks.

There was a lot of... Was it a camp or what? We were in an apprenticeship program. Apprenticeship program. But it was at school? It was at a theater in New Jersey. That seems like it would also be a hotspot for pedophiles, right? The theatrical?

The theater world? Yeah. I don't think so. No? No, there's no pedophiles in Hollywood. I think they're pretty Christian out there for the most part. Yeah. I feel like you get a lot of those like, it's probably like more like in college.

I could see there's always that like hipster, not pedophile but creepy guy. You know what I mean? He's like 40 with a ponytail, but he's banging like a 19 year old chick. Like that's such, especially Greenwich Village, I'll see that all the time. And I'm like, ah, you guys are both artsy. There's a lot of like necklaces and jewelry. Yeah, yeah. There is a lot of in theater is both guys and girls who just like talk very

openly about sex to an extent they're like, oh, right, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, they're trying to like show, I know what you're talking about. Girl, she's like, hey, I use a dildo myself. And you're like, all right, are you trying to fuck? Why are you bringing this up? I knew a girl like, yeah, very, like a theater person. They would just be talking about sex all the time.

They're like, I watch porn. But I watch women positive porn. And Michael's just silently furious. He's like, fuck me. You don't come across as like an actor type to me. Because you have thoughts and opinion. I'm just kidding. No, no, that would be a sign that.

he was an actor. Yeah, yeah. That's a great, that's a great point. Literally only one comedic, I mean, comic and actor that I know that's good. Who?

Ryan. Ryan, oh, yeah. Literally, that's it. I was kidding by way. I feel, out of anything to apologize to the podcast, I think you're a very funny comic.

I think you're very funny, yeah, yeah. What's up, son? No, we're good. What's up, Joe? I'm glad you're molested. And I don't feel like he's like,

he's an actor at all. That's why it shocked me. Because, like, every actor I've ever met, it's just a fucking complete airhead. like, dumb as rocks. These fucking useless nothings.

Jack Byron, dude. He's an actor? Yeah. Oh. Oops. Well, he won't do the podcast, so I mean, fuck him. It's funny to picture Ryan interacting with actors at all.

I don't see him doing it. I would, yeah, that's hilarious to me. But he does get very emotional, but it's so fucking hilarious. Oh, he loves it. He's like,

Dita. I just fucking love words. Dude, well, it's like, yeah, I did like, I did a little bit acting in college. I was like, yeah, let me see if this is maybe like a thing I could do. So I got shot on like a student

there was like a student set where it was like a dumb cowboy movie and I got shot or whatever. That was my acting there. And then I did like a scene for somebody. Because there was like people that are pretending, or they're trying to be directors, so they needed people to be actors. And I was sitting with this one actor guy and he may have been the biggest fucking loser I've ever

talked to. Just the way he was like, yeah, man, you like acting? He's like, do I like acting? That's a pretty simple one. words for what I feel about acting. He's like, to be able to throw myself into almost another dimension of character. And I'm like, okay. And then he sucked at acting when we need to fucking see. That's so cool.

It's fucking terrible. I feel bad about Jack. I forgot Jack's an actor. I feel bad about that. Whatever. I apologize, Jack. He's not going to listen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Never mind. We had one of those. Yeah, for the, like, the, whatever theater department. Because it was like, they'll have you audition. And then they were like, okay, we'll have your reel up. And my reel was like, they were like, okay, choose lines to read from this, like, scenario and I chose like the old lady and like just did like I was like a 90 year old woman doing the act down like I want that to be my real that they look through they're like

what the fuck is this guy here you know what I mean instead of somebody who's like I want to show them I have range I literally went to film school for college where'd you go I was a film minor well yeah I mean minor doesn't count it was like I took all my basically all my classes were like culture it was just basically talking about like remember when you asked me and he made it about that's funny you should say that jason yeah so where did you go to school wait what did you I don't care about his fucking dumb minor. But what was the one thing that you liked? Oh yeah, dude.

Me and Brock, we fucking watch point break in class. Did you study films? Florida Garbage? Did you study movies? So most of my film class was literally talking about gender and sex and stuff

like that in film. And we took the Bechtile test. That sounds like a sociology class. That's what all of them were, basically. By the time I got there, it was just like that movement was hitting hard and they were like, it's all about,

gendered sexuality and Michael just raised his head. He's like, yo, professor, am I gay? I don't know. Well, yeah, the funny is we had one woman that come in it. I'm just going to shit on this woman's mouth. I, you're so annoying because she comes in here and, like, obviously, like, Hollywood's horrible with, like, sexual predators.

Like, it's a big deal. But this woman comes in and she's like, yeah, you know, these directors that were so creepy, you know, they take things they don't ask for. And then... Sounds like she was right on the money. This annoying bitch? No, but you're like, you're like, you're You fucking keep their names out of your mouth.

Those are heroes. Those are American film. No, but like she's talking about that shit. And we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally, totally, totally. And then, like, she does, like, a Q&A for a little bit. And they're like, have you met anybody cool? She's like, oh, yeah, I met Hugh Jackman.

Just grabbed me and kissed me right by the lips. It was incredible. And I'm like, you fucking piece of shit. It's like, you literally just proved that if you're hot, you can do whatever the fuck you want. You nailed it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, creepy guys are only ugly.

Didn't mean Jackman been married forever? He kissed him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he's gay. I think he's gay. I think he was banging James Bond, by the way. Why do you think that? Oh, I'll tell you why.

I'll tell you why. I'm because my mom, Mrs. Senra, is big into the people magazines, all that shit, you know, the celebrity gossip. And then I remember one time, Senora's mom is Long Island Guard. Yeah, so, yeah, 100%. So she had a magazine once, and she was like, she's like, she, like, loves James Bond or whatever. And she's like, he works out with Hugh Jackman. And they run together at seven in the morning. morning. And then you see pictures of them

shirtless, like stretching on a grass. Oh, for sure. This is... I'm running together 7 in the morning. They should leave the same house. Yeah, and then literally... They're stretching out of each other's assholes. That's what they're stretching. The same time around Hugh Jackman comes out, he's like, I remember he was doing the Oscars one time, and he's just

singing and dancing, and he's huge into theater, and he has this, like, I don't know, I don't want to be like, it's a gay smile, but it's the gayest smile I've ever seen. Oh, for sure. And so, like, yeah. Then I was like, he's definitely fucking that guy for sure. Yeah.

You just think he's gay because he can dance. Yeah, well, that's big. Joe's like, I saw his fucking clothes. They look nice. I got it like, new. Anytime I see a guy do a dance number in theater, I'm like, that's the gayest shit ever. Yeah, I don't.

And there's always those guys where everybody's like, oh, he's not gay, he just acts gay. And then he always ends up being gay down. You know what I mean? There's always the guy that's like, no, no, he's just like that. And then he's gay. That's just kind of how weird. Yeah, yeah.

Do you have a single example of that? Yeah. One guy from my high school one time. Okay, cool. Yeah. Yeah. Also, like, what are the odds that two beautiful celebrity men that hang out in Hollywood are stretching together and dancing and not fucking.

Do you like... In my head, they're fucking every day. Do you like old... In my straight head. Do you like old movies at all? Do I like old movies? Yeah. So, like, you know, like, Carrie Grant?

Yeah. Carrie Grant, just like... He lived with Randolph Scott. When they were, like, both in their 40s, they were just like... roommates for 12 years. And I was just like, well, successful actor.

You know what? Extremely rich handsome actors just lived together for 12 years. I want to be like the Alex Jones of just celebrity gossip.

Just be like, I'm telling you, man. All of them are just having gay sex. And like, that's just the whole thing of it though. They're like, I don't see what's wrong with that. By the way, did you see the new Topcombe?

No. I saw Jurassic part there. Speaking of about getting high as fuck, man. Was that movie good? No. No. Topkin's pretty tight.

Yeah, that's what everyone says. I heard it is tight. Yeah. Some of the, some of the bods in it. Phantan phenomenal. Phenomomal. They play.

Playing with the boys. No, but I heard that's one of recent. Yeah, nobody does that ever. Yeah. That's the original top. No, I was just, let's ignore him. That was horrible. He's such a fucking idiot.

So stupid. Fucking stupid. Anyway, Top Gun, yeah, but I don't think that I want to watch it because there's no way Tom Cruise is still hot. Like, it's all airbrushed. He does, if he ain't hot, I'm not in it. He takes off, he's, you see him, like, full-on shirtless.

And, like, a lot of them are, like, really close up. So it's like, he's like, Oh, it looks good. And then you see like a full-on shot. You're like, oh, he looks good, but he is 60 years old. Yeah, I'm not about it. That's it. He's dead.

Shoot him. But kill him dead. Some, dude, some other hot pods. They should check out. Well, because they got the young people. They got the young bucks. But nobody's... That would be interesting if, like, horses, Hollywood directors took out actors and shot him.

They just shot him. Tom's like, I think I'm going to be shirtless in this scene. They're like, yeah, yeah, let's come talk about him. Being 60s having a broken leg. But he's a bit. But he's like. Who's the hottest guy in Hollywood? I say Thor, for sure.

It's got to be Thor. He's so fucking hot. It's ridiculous. You know what? He makes me angry how hot this guy is. I got a weird thing. And he's also funny. It's absurd, dude.

He's the best. He's the best guy. I got a dude crush on Chris Pratt. There's something about, like, the New Jurassic Park movie, they're like raising like a clone baby. I'm like, I wish he raised me. I wish he.

I don't even like, I don't want him to fuck me, but I want him to be my father. You're just sitting next to Ange very high in the movie theater, and you're just like, he'd be a great father. That guy does rule, too. I get liking him. But it is weird, though.

He's funny. He's a funny guy. He's likable. He's likable. He's mad likable. I liked him in Parsnarduk when he was fat, and then he got super hot, and he's still likable. And that's, like, almost never had a fat face, kind of. That's why he's a likable.

Yeah, you can't get rid of it, can you? No, you really can't. I mean, I still got. Yeah, you could tell every person who was fat as a kid, for sure. All of us. Yeah. You all went through a fat, your face, were you fat at all? I mean, dude, I'm over, yeah, I was fat.

I was just chubby. I'm a fat adult. I was a skinny kid, too, because I was a skinny kid, too, because I was on so much adderol, like massive amounts of amphetamines, too. Good for you. Yeah, it was a good time. I really wasn't. Hemsworth, though.

I got fat in the seventh grade summer because I was, like, I was, like, underweight. And I remember my doctor was like, you're underweight. Have some ice cream this summer. And then I gained 30 pounds, and he's like, your fat is fucked, dude. You had too much ice cream. Also, like 30 pounds. like seventh grade, you probably weighed like a hundred pounds. You just gained like a third of

your body weight. Yeah, in eighth grade, I remember this kid, Tyler, uh, I can't remember his last name. He walked up to me with like a group of kids and was just like, you're fat. And then they all laughed and walked away. I'll never forget that. He was like, just that day was like, I guess I'm going to be a comedian. That's when I realized

I was fat. Yeah, yeah. That's, yeah, yeah. See, I was like, I think I was fat before sixth grade or no, no, no, no. There was one fat period. I think the year my parents took me off Adderall because he took me off year because I put on in second grade. And I think, like, third grade I got taken off and I got fat. But then I remember, I was thin all through high school and then I got fat as

fucking college and more recently. And then the funniest was like, I, there's not a single part of my body where my feelings are hurt for people calling me a fat. Like, I'd go back home, my parents are like, you are fat. And I'm like, yeah. Like, my brother would be like, you're fat as hell. There's a proud tradition of like fat party animals, I feel. Yes, yes.

And it's kind of inspiring. See, like, I guess that. Yeah, somebody like Bert Kreischer is like a Lizzo for like those fat teenagers. You know what I mean? That's kind of where that goes. Girls will never be fat and be able to laugh about it like us. No. They don't rule like us.

That is accurate. There's no lady truffle shuffle. That's true. Yeah. It's always like a, I mean, there is. It's just on Pornhub. And it's like it's... That is, he makes a good point.

There is that that does exist. What, what, what, what, what, fat tricks on porn hush? I don't think they're happy. I don't know. Maybe they are. I mean, I'm not happy, so I'm not like, judge them. Like, they're not happy. They should be like me.

But, like, I'm not sure that they're happy necessarily. You know what I mean? Yeah, but you should lean into it. Hey, pig, smile more like me. I'm winning. You're just licking ice cream walking. Yeah. Why eating salad, idiot?

Yeah, I don't know. There's no way a woman can be fat and happy. But guys, there's no way. I'm sorry. Just making a whole generalization about it. Maybe. I think Lizzo is probably happier than me. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say she's got a better life than I do.

A better life? Better life, I don't know if she's happy, dude. Yeah, I don't know if she's happy. You don't think she's happy? No. She has just way more to be happy about than honestly the three of us put together. Yeah, but that doesn't mean she's happy. Like, it's not like the more things you have you just get happy.

You know what I mean? Life is about being hot. I think, hold on. Michael just said that the more things you get doesn't make. I think that's a lie that people with stuff tell people. It's not true. Yeah, true at all. Well, I think I just grew up around rich people.

She's just like, yeah, I just fucking travel the world, just making hundreds of thousands of people happy with my music and stuff, but honestly, it doesn't fix anything. Does she make people happy with her music? Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, she has good music, but I think there's also... She has good music, but do you feel happy when, after you hear it? Yeah, it's like...

Yeah, it's like... It's up, yeah, it's up people. Joe doesn't like it because he's like, these fat chicks are getting self-esteem. I'm never going to have a chance again. Yeah, fat chicks dropped the market. I don't know who I'm fucking... I don't know what makes me happy. I truly don't.

I don't know that I ever feel the feeling of being like, oh, I'm happy. Oh, okay, Neil Brennan. Yeah, all right. Right. I do you know, I'm so sad. I got molested. I think I took, I think I took too, I think I like depleted my dopamine. Oh, weed does that. I do get, oh, does it? I didn't know. Weed does? I think if you just smoke a ton of weed for a long time, it does something like that.

Dude, I smoked every day for nine years. Yeah, yeah, I've been smoking every day for like five years. I know, but did you ever smoke like, you smoked like catatonic amounts in high school, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it took me a while to get over that, I think. And then drinking. Listen, I think, I think, I get happy. literally, if I'm, like, happy on stage. And it takes a couple minutes to rev up to that. And then I'm like, literally, I'm just elated. Just being on stage and just like smiling and just like cracking.

Dude, it's so fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the best feeling. It's the most fun thing in the fucking world. I love those people that are like, man, comedy. So it's like, yeah, this part's outside of performing suck. But when you're performing, it's a fucking very fun thing. It's the most fun at the most fun.

And then the only other time is like if I'm with a woman, a one-on-one. like and I don't have to I don't have to do anything it's just like chill it's like I don't know if that's the it's not it's not elated like on state but it's like I'm just I'm relaxed

have you ever have you ever known love like me and Michael dude I'm always in love you're always in love oh yeah yeah but has it ever been like reciprocated or is it just like I've been looking at this I've been staring at this one woman who works in the grocery store and I think I'm in love yeah but I but I think that I think that I like unhealthy because we like an addict personality

So, like, if I break up with something, if someone's break up, I'll think about them for, like, years or whatever. And they're, like, over and happy and, like, four months, like, a healthy amount of time. Yeah. So I don't know what it is. I used to be like that, like, in middle school. I don't want to say that. But when I was younger, I was like that. I was just picturing Joe, just, like, every time he thinks, like, like, his girlfriend comes to have a conversation,

he thinks she's about to break up with him, but she's not. So she's just like, hey, Joe. And he's like, I'm going to kill myself. Just right off the fucking. He's like, do you want to get dinner? He's like, oh. Did you guys see men? Did you see the movie men?

What did you think about that? I like the first three-fourths, even though it was a little slow. The end, I was just like, all right. It was just like a woman and the men are trying to kill her or something. All the men have the same face in this town that she goes like chill. Yeah, he's representative of men. So he has all the negative, like the worst aspects that a man can have. But it's really just people.

And then he expresses it in each character. I like Jeffrey, though. Jeffrey's good, dude. The guy who rents the house is like a cool. He's not a good dude. Is he not? What do you mean? He tries to, like, kill her and rape her at the end.

No, no, no, no, no. But before that, where he's just like... No, because he does, like, whatever monster does, but everything he does, like, as Jeffrey is pretty nice. He's like, oh, well, check the house miss. He's not, like, a creep, like, the priest is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's literally saying, like, that child molester was cool before he tricked me.

No, it's... You don't understand, like, what's going on in the movie. It's, like, hard to explain. He was a real good guy before. Yeah. He's like... Sorry, I prefer movies where dudes rock, like, top gun. So, hold on.

That's my speed. So her boyfriend literally is like if you break up with me, I'll kill myself. I've never, I've never said that. I've never thought that. Maybe I don't know. I've never thought I'll kill my. I've said emails to that effect. Inted?

Yeah. But there's dudes. I know because I've heard women be like, yeah, my boyfriend's like, my ex is like suicidal. I was like, that's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then this guy does, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucked up.

That dude, that's seen with him at the bottom of like, after, gets fucked up by the fences, like, so fucking grossed. Yeah, that was so cool. Talk about this movie. I haven't fucking seen. Go watch the movie. No, I only get high and watch Jurassic Park. That's the kind of, that's where my brain is now. You should get high and watch men, because the last scene will fuck you. Do you think I'll learn something? If you're high,

watching the last scene, it'll fuck your head up. You'll think, I didn't, like, have any thoughts when I was watching it. I was just like, this is wild. What's going on? Yeah, the guy just keeps coming out of himself, like giving birth to himself. Coming out of his, like, fucking his belly, his belly, his pussy, his belly, his pussy, his back pussy, his man pussy, his mouth.

It seems like a fun movie. Is it ears and shit? It's weird. I'm kidding. I'll deal with the movie that shit's on guys. I don't have like a big issue. I was joking around

about like having genuine issues about it. I saw the movie with Eli and Arden and I just, after the movie just started, I was just like this movie was just about some dudes being cool. I don't know.

What's the conflict? I did hear a lot of people complain about it. But then I was like the Dhrash Park. The one thing I want to bring about Dhrash Park was so funny was you know Chris Pratt's like very religious. Yeah. So there's a scene where he's falling out

of like an airplane and like there's one parachute and obviously like his girlfriend has a one parachute and he goes uh I love you and then he kisses her on the cheek and then goes and I feel like Chris Pratt's wife if there's a time for a lip kiss it is right then yeah yeah but I feel like knowing Chris Pratt being religious I could see him being like I don't kiss him

they're jumping out of a plane uh the plane's crashing because a tarred actor he gives her he gives her a parachute she has like the one parachute and then and then he unzips his pants no no he lives he lives how does he live? They wrote it in the movie.

Wait, yeah, he should have Did you see the movie? He didn't bend her over. And fuck her? Yeah. While the plane's crashing. Yeah, dude. Gotta get one.

He's like, I'm going on. I would have exploded in a second. He's like, no, no, we don't have time to jerk off and look at your face. Oh, I'm going to remember you. I'm going to remember you. She's clipping the parachute. Yeah, just show here. He turns around.

She's like, I got to go. He's like, no, no, no. Two more seconds. Two more seconds. I'm so close. I'm so close. She's like, just do whatever you need to do. What a horrible last moment. What a eulogy.

He went out like a hero. He died. He died doing what he loved, protecting his family or whatever. Yeah, it's just jerking on. Do you see the Kronenberg movie? Crimes of the Future? No, I don't even know what that is.

Pretty crazy. Is it like a similar concept to a minority report? No. It sounds like it would be right. There is some stuff that's kind of reminiscent of minority report like the interest of government. It's about a... Oh, with Tom Cruise?

Writing about what Spanish people are up to. They're getting smarter. Joe writes one every night before he goes to bed. They're getting better jobs. They're going across. There seem to be a lot of people living in one apartment. That would be the best movie ever. Did you have one of the...

You guys are Portuguese. Is that similar to Spanish culture? Yeah, it's very similar. Yeah. Because they're right there. But their language... Do you guys all... Do you guys mispronounce your R's and shit?

Like Brazilian guys do? Uh, the Portuguese? Yeah. No. Well, I never hear them talk English. They're always speaking Portuguese. But like... Do they pronounce the R's like H?

No. Brazilians do it more. Gotcha. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. They say, he's a restaurant. I went to a restaurant. The only thing I've seen Brazilian fart porn,

that's genuinely my only connection to Brazil. I've never even been to Brazilian's take out. How do you know it's Brazilian? Is that like a genre of Brazilian? Fogo de Chau? That's what they call the fart porn. It's the best one ever. Fardo to Chow.

Yeah, that's my... But I feel like I like steak, so... Yeah, Fogna's show is great, but I feel like I'd just be thinking about the parts. I love it. I love it because you get to hold... It's literally red and green, like, tennis... Not that fucking table tennis rack. It's just like, just bring it on.

Yeah, if you have green, they come and give you more meats and stuff. And if you have red, it's a style. It's brilliant, because when you have, like, fucking meat brain and you're like, I can't It's like, it's so easy. You eat so much. You're like a caveman. Stop, but go. They like, there is bread, but it's not like around, so you just like keep fucking

eaten. It's pretty sick. That sounds really good. Do they have any, actually have in New York, right? They never think of New York. There are Brazilian steakhouse. Is there a Fogar to Chowin? Yeah, there's a couple.

We should go to Fogood to Chow. Let's go after this, dude. I mean, I got to report different podcasts, but. You're doing another one? Yeah, I do two days. Yeah, I do two days. Who's the next one? I don't do like three a week.

Who's the next one with? Lucas Hinder Lyer That one's gonna suck, dude yeah I wonder if they're gonna show up an hour late as well Yeah yeah

He was funny Yeah he ain't gonna bring this Foga to Chowgli Yeah this is why you wait for Joe Dude He comes late but he brings the heat You do say some very exciting shit Every time

Anyways All right so what do you want to talk about next boys Let's stop talking about movies Like fucking nerds What do you want to talk about post Dude? Where are coming from? No push, no pus no pus

We won't talk about pus We'll talk about pus He has such a a good. Joe, I was thinking like, he's the perfect, like, you're like a movie character talking to you. Like, I was in such a bad movie the other week. Making me wildly uncomfortable. I hate when people talk about me. You're just a great

guy, dude. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Funny on stage? I hate it. Thank you. A brave and dedicated teacher. I'm not a teacher. Yeah, I hate it so much. I hope they fire me. Also, give me a job because I need money. I fucking hate that shit. Are the kids at least cool? I, I'll be honest, I saw another kid call another kid retarded

the other day, and it made me happy. Like, I know, the kid wasn't retarded. You know, it was just his buddy, he was like, hey, we should go skateboarding on this side of the street. I really wish. Why'd you give him that voice? Yeah. Because he was, I admit. He was like, we're going to skateboarding. I don't think he was for, no, no, he was. He was wearing two helmets

for no reason. Just fistfuls of Legos. He had toy soldiers falling out of his pocket. Oh, that was my lunch. Oh, no. I love the idea of just a guy, you know, like an Army Man sandwich.

Just like, you know, there's always like a Down syndrome guy, like, whatever, like, workplace, like, if you work at, like, a Starbucks or something like that, he's, like, taking his lunch break. He's Army men and you're peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Protein, dude. Extra protein.

I'm going to hell. What do you do if you're very retarded? What do you do? I think about this every day. There was a grunt for Congress. What's up, fellas? How's it going on? You, um,

There was a car wash. There was a car wash like that run by fully retarded people. I bet you had fucking failed miserably. Hey, I got a terrible business model. Yeah, that's gonna be funny to get alone for that. You're like, hey, honestly, I'm not trying to be rude. I asked you to clean my car and it's just, I mean, covered in peanut butter. It's never not going to be funny to be...

It goes right to Michael's ticklebone, dude. It's so funny. You could like literally... You know how, like, in North Korea, they have, like, re-education camps? Oh, dude. I was talking to you about this. Like, they could be drowning me and be like,

is Down syndrome funny? And every time, they're like zapping me. They're like, is it funny? I'd be like, yes, it is. I'm sorry. Have you seen... I don't know, maybe we should just watch his after.

I guess there's some video that Kim Jong-un shot that's like a trailer for his new missiles where he's like putting on like sunglasses and shit I think it's like set to like Does he have it? Does he have it? Have what? You know. Nuclear. No.

Like star power? No. No. He has down syndrome? I thought you're saying like Is he touched. I literally thought where you were asking was like, does he have it? You know? The head factor? That thing? Does he have the charm The charisma? He has a bull cut.

There's a lot of incest going on in there. As soon as he gets a job, he's like I got to kill my brother. No, he definitely does not have that. Have you heard the story of like what the girls who killed his brother, like what they thought was going on?

No. No. What is? They thought they were like on some, like two North Korean agents found these two girls in an airport. And they were like, they were like, you're on a prank show. Go like splash this in that guy's face. And that's why they did it. They poisoned him that way. They were like,

they were like, oh, this would be so fun. And they're like poison him. And then they're like, he is not reacting well to water Really? Is he a Gremlin? Why is he fucking... Why is that happening? And he and he mastermind

the whole thing? Kim Jong-un? I mean, he like ordered it. I don't know if he... He doesn't seem like the mastermind. I love the idea of a retarded person being the mastermind. So is what we're gonna do.

Well, I did have a movie idea. He's got a gut. He's like, I'm hot. My best friend's Dennis Rodman. He loves basketball. He has it 100%. There's no one. I was thinking this is a movie I would 100% see.

Has his own train? It is adding up. That's not even a stereotype at work. Literally, it was Friday, we're getting ready to go, pack for buses. My favorite kid, I'm only going to say is that my favorite kid. He goes on, like, the display and puts on YouTube, and he's just watching the train videos.

The headline, yeah, and then the seven train. And I'm watching, I'm like talking to my work wife. I was like, what's going to? on. She's like, he loves trains. I just started dying laughing. I thought this is real! This is real! I thought the story was going to end with Joe was talking to his work wife, which I want to

get into that in a second, but he's having a conversation and he just dies off and he's just staring at the YouTube video with the camera. He's falling in love with trains as well. I'm distracted heavily. One second. Do you have a work wife? No, I mean, I don't work. What? I was a student teacher.

I didn't have a work wife, and then I'm like a student right now, and I'm just like at school. Oh, okay. I think you're teaching it. And what do you do? I was teaching. I was teaching, but I didn't have a work. I keep getting fired because I make fun of retarded children on this podcast. And has his name attached to it. Hold on, wait, so who's, what do you mean?

Explain workwife, because I understand the concept, but I want to get into, like, the emotional bond between. Is this a woman who posted a picture throwing the water balloon? No, no, no, that's my boss. Wait, wait, wait, wait, what? So your boss throws water balloons soon? So your boss knows your Instagram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she knows your comic.

She literally, yeah, yeah, they all know. Like, the one thing that you're not supposed to do is tell. and literally everybody know. Because I can't keep secrets. Yeah, yeah. Like, they knew first day, basically. Yeah. And I knew not to say it, but now they all know.

By the way, my boss put a video of me on the internet or whatever. It's the... She has a good following. It's the highest viewed thing I have. I love that I get fired for being a receptionist, and you're working at a school.

Yeah, yeah, keep saying whatever the fuck you're saying. They love it. They love it so much because, like, all of Joe's jokes are like, yeah, I mean, rape doesn't really exist. I think it does. Without it, without it, I got no hobbies, boys. Yeah, it can't be the best at nothing. It definitely exists.

My workwife literally scares the chairman. First of all, I love this one. She's like 20 years older than me, but she's pretty. And she's nice. But she's exactly me. Just in a woman. I've never met a person more like me. And you love her?

It's so fucking funny. because every, she's just so like, I don't want to do this. I don't want to be here at all times. And I'm like, how are you? By the way, she's been married for like 29 years. And she's just like, I want to go. She only talks about vacations without her husband and retiring without him.

She's like, yeah, he's like a thing that's, he's like a nuisance in her life. I'm like, oh, I'll never get married at all because like that's, you could spend your whole life with someone. And at the end of the day, they're just going to be like, oh, like, it's better without them. every woman I met. It's so hard to get out of a shitty marriage, too.

You know what I think that's something you're... It's not even a shitty marriage. She talks to me about how he treats her so good all the time. Like, he's the best husband. Yeah, but I mean, it's shitty in the sense that she's like, oh, is that fucking guy again? Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, he's not even an issue, but it's like, oh, this dude with the fucking face and the fucking

tubes. They all get like that. They all get like every woman that I've ever met that's in a relationship only talks, like, about the bad things that are their boyfriend. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, she doesn't want to talk to about, she's not. going to be like, oh my God, Joe. You railed the fucking pipe me down in the laundry

yesterday. It was so hot. Yeah, it's true. I never thought of that. Maybe. You start asking about that. Yeah. It's the sex life. So how often do you get railed by your husband? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, maybe that's it. But because I was starting to think, like, I don't know if I want to dedicate

my life to someone who's like ungrateful about it. Yeah, yeah. It's almost like, yeah, that's a good point. Because you're almost like, like, I have weird, like, I'm obviously going to propose to my girlfriend at some point. We have a conversation about it. But it's like, that's one of those hard things where you're like, she's told Michael that he'll be proposing at some point.

But there's one of those things where you're like, oh, this, you ever like think about yourself and you're like, do I really want to, you feel guilty about locking somebody to yourself? You know what I mean? You're like, you're like, I love you. But the idea of trapping somebody with me is scary. Does that sound bad? Does that sound weird?

I get it. I don't feel that at all. I'm just picturing the Instagram post of you and Ange just at like a fucking waterpark in Florida. you've given her like a ring pop that has Molly in it and you're like she said yes trashiest shit ever oh my god

oh yeah we're trashy he just puts velvita cheese and a diamond ring in a hot dog she breaks one of her teeth he's like surprise but like I don't know the idea of like you feel I don't know maybe it's just like a not liking myself thing

but I'm like I wouldn't want to be married to me so that's why I feel bad I was like I want to be married to her but I would not want her to be married to me if that makes any sense. I feel the exact opposite of this. You're like, I'm the shit. Yeah, you're way more selfless. I'm like, oh, man,

the idea of tying yourself down to one person, I've never had a relationship work, you know? So it's like, I don't know. What's the longest relationship we've been in? They got him less than him. He lived a while, quite a while. He put up numbers for sure. I don't know.

My first relationship, but that doesn't count, right? High school? Yeah, high school, to like college. college and stuff. That counts. It was on and all for like seven years. That is a long time. It's a long fucking time.

And then after that, everything has been like six months. Yeah. Six months. That seems like a lot of relationships through six months. It seems like that's the mark that like most people kind of.

Well, because that is like a good time to be like, all right, are we really, what are we really doing? Yeah. Like, are we really doing this? Yeah.

I don't know. What about you? How long have been with? Seven years. I'm at nine. Are you engaged? Are you thinking about it? What's the,

what's the hold up? There's no hold up. Fuck you. I am tired of this shit. I hear this shit all the time with my relationship. It's, it might not be a good time to just get married. If you love somebody, you guys can be together and you don't have to immediately jump on getting married.

Because it's like, it's like, have you thought of planning a wedding? Sorry, this is clearly true. He's given the speech to Andrew, but he's nice. Yeah, I just saw his eyes glaze over. He's not talking to me at all. I'm staring like a picture over on the wall. I'm like, you know what? I'm busy.

I'm doing stand-up. It takes. all of my time. But it's like, I saw my brother playing his wedding and I was like, holy fuck that shit's so exhausting. So you're like, I want to wait for a time where I have some sort of steady career. So it's not like, it's another thing to have to like put, like, you're putting

eight months of work into a wedding. So it's like, I'm like, every day I'm like, I'm like, hey bitch, you want to go down to the courthouse and get married? And she's like, she's like, nah, I'm like, ah, you're lost. Damn. Have you, have you ever proposed? All the time. Really? Yeah. Wait, really?

But it don't. seem genuine to her. She knows I'm serious, but I haven't done like the thing where you're like, I haven't got I haven't gotten a ring. But I'd never, if she wanted to get married tomorrow, I'd marry tomorrow. Yeah, wow. Wow, wow, wow. Damn, you might be the best boyfriend in the world.

I mean, maybe, but maybe not. Genuinely, I think about, like, I think about, like, I'm like, I'm a shitty boyfriend. I'm like, who's a guy? Do you think that you do like, I have problems for sure? Do you do one thing that you're like, oh, this is why she sticks around? Is there like one particular thing? Do you eat that place?

No, I think overall, I'm just pretty good. I don't know. I hit the back walls. There's just an outline going down by me. I don't know if there's a friend. It's just like clear a lot of dick in your pants. Just clear communication. But, no, I don't know.

You just got a... I don't know. What are your problems? What do you run into? Oh, no, yeah. I mean, it doesn't matter. That doesn't matter. I know why it didn't work

Why it hasn't worked yet But it might be different this time I don't know because I'm not drinking now So when I'm drinking I guess That's gonna be huge Very selfish Joe just takes the girl back to his Portuguese family And like I can just

I can only eat so many scallops I don't know what you want I can't Dude I hate Get out of my house The thing about not drinking And like eating food is like I'm not even excited to like go to like cool restaurants or whatever

Yeah because you can booze Yeah because I want to like drink wine with it And beer with it and shit And have a and have like a a bourbon or something or an afternoon. You're like, nice cocktails. I like it. That does seem like, because I can see

wanting to not be like sloppy drunk and feel bad anymore, but in order to achieve that, wanting to give up, like, having to give up, just like, dinner with drinks. Yeah, any amount of alcohol. That is so fucking hard. Dude, and it's like looking forward to, because, like, I worry about, like,

the idea of having to get sober. Like, that idea is scared, which is a bad sign. But, like, I'm like, I mean, when I pick, you're going a day without drinking alcohol. I, buddy, I have a panic attack. To be fair, I drink very minimally now. But the idea of giving up completely sounds like very challenging because I'm like, I'm like,

I look forward to like new years and like those like couple times a year where I'm getting. My podcast partner, Clyde Mack, just texting me. Thank you, bro. Just wanted to say that. You are my friend. Good friends are hard to come by. What a faggot. You just texted out of nowhere. Yeah, I don't care. He's gay. Whatever, move on.

Go back to your story. Well, because, like, for example, once you're out of, like, the habit of drinking, like, for example, not drinking at, like, the pair, like the comedy club, once you're not doing that, you're like, well, I don't fucking need to do that anyway. That wasn't like, I was just doing that because I was drinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, like, the thing where you're, like, at dinner, you're like,

I want, like, one fucking nice drink. That's the part that sucks. Or, like, I want to fucking drink on New Year's Eve. Are you, like a... But that's, that's me romanticizing it, but it never looks like. Are you a big dinner? That is such a good point because in your mind you're like, there's always those nice. Dude, I just want to have a nice.

It's like, it's never like. Are you like a mess when you drink? Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm not a mess. My life is a mess. My life because I only drink and get drunk and then I do it every day, all the, until whatever. Literally, I stopped drinking because I was like, I'm like, okay, I'm going to, what I was doing was getting loaded and I'm here. So I'm like, I'm not going to drive home.

So I was sleeping in my car, like, not time. I was like, this is horrible. That's pretty good. That's like, when that starts to seem normal, and then you just, like, get outside eyes on it, you're like, that's not good at all. It's not normal. It's not normal.

Are you still living in Long Island? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's horrible. Oh, damn. I'm looking for a place. Dude, just moved to New York, then you can drink all the time. That's what I'm going to do.

Yeah. Just like, look at an apartment's like, and where's the nearest bar? Just till your sunglasses down? Yeah. Fucking Danger Zone starts playing. Have you replaced it with anything? I've literally been, I've been talking to, like,

people, like, going in and looking at apartments. And they're like, oh, do you, like, party? I'm like, oh, I don't drink too much. You don't want to, you don't want to lie to your real estate agent? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, yeah, this is not a apartment for fucking poisons. Like four months after you rent, your, like, real estate agent is going to see you drinking at a bar and be like, he fucking lied to me.

So in your mind, are you going full, like, I'm never going to drink again? I don't know. I don't know. Like, literally, I've been in and out, being sober and not sober for, like, four years, you know? So it's just like, you know. I don't think since I've known you, you've been... How long have you been on this sober run? I had a beer with you.

We did a show... This would help me, actually, to find out. A year and a half ago in Long Island? Yeah. Right? You remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are you probably a year and a half ago?

Yeah. It's not that long. It's been like... I don't know. It was slightly cold. I think maybe it was like probably March or April year ago. It was that... Yeah, of course, yeah.

That was a good... I had a blast, yeah. It was in like a... It seemed like a gymnasium, but it was weird. Maybe eight months, maybe. or more, give or take, I don't know. I've heard, though, it takes a year to really start feeling those full benefits. Like, I've heard, like,

the first year is the hardest, and then you get that level of happiness. We were like, okay. Do you find yourself agonizing about it, like other of our friends who have recently gotten sober? Yeah, exactly what you're talking about. No, I'm not complaining like that, fat bitch, T.J.

That is, just two people who have gone sober, and one person's like, It's just so fucking tough. And Joe's like, yeah, I don't know. It kind of sucks, dude. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah. I give him a lot credit.

Because, like, this is his first time ever again. So my, I was like that for sure. But now, like, I've been around, you know, so, like. I think also having comedy makes it fucking huge, like, as far as helpfulness. Because, you have something to do. You have something to do. That's the thing is, like, I'm going to throw yourself into.

When you go to, like, that program or whatever, like, you, it takes, like, three months to, like, just, like, all right, I'm not drinking or whatever. And then after, like, four, month, four, month, five, your people start telling you like, oh, you need to like now live a life, so like do something. Yeah, yeah. But this time, you're not even supposed to be in a relationship for the first like three months, right? For a year or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They don't want you to like relapse the things go bad. If you get like emotionally. Dude, that's why I relaps like three times. I had girlfriends and then they broke up and relapse came. They're just like, yeah, you're really boring when you don't drink. I'm going to get out of this. I would, when I stopped drinking for like three months, this is the first time that I like stopped drinking and I only got fatter and more miserable.

But I'm not in the program now. I was, every three months, I would be, like, in shape, I would be happy. I was, like, a different person. Then I would get, like, a super hot girlfriend. And then they would, like, love me immediately. And then I would start drinking. Because things are going so great. Yeah, exactly.

I think you're like, I wonder what's ruined my relationship. And then, yeah, nose dives immediately. Yeah, is it, like, are you, I touched your foot there. Okay. Your bare feet are disgusting, by the way. Yeah, I don't care. Regular feet. You just not like feet?

I don't like men's feet. I don't know about you, Jason. You like women's feet? You want to put these feet in your ass? I do. I do like women's feet. I'm not, I don't have a foot fetish,

but I like it. Yeah, yeah. I like women's everything, except... It seems like you have a mild foot fetish if you, like, have... No, no, no, no.

This dude's just fucking horny. Yeah. You can show him a woman's ear and he fucking chisness. Yeah. You're an animal? Dude, last time he's in the podcast, you're just looking at Instagram booties.

No, no, no, no. That's what I have heard that just like every time someone's like, oh, this girl's hot on Instagram. It's like, oh, followed by Joe Seder. Followed by me. I'm trying to unfollow all these horrors, but I keep getting locked out. I keep getting locked out of my own Instagram for unfollowing so many hoars.

I have that issue. Not with horrors, but just like, you're overloaded? I don't like when people are like, don't call him Instagram whores that's me. It's like, no, that's what that word is for.

She's showing her ass to sell tea product. You're hooring right now. Yeah, yeah. It's also funny that Instagram is like, This isn't Joe in one to unfollow all these accounts We know Joe This is not like

I got you bro, don't worry They email you Joe, some fucking nerd logged in your account Hey Joe So you boozed your way

I do not like this one aspect of it Of like following all these girls wherever liking pictures I stopped But but people will be like Oh, that's creepy to do

But it's like Any other sexual gender Can do it It's embraced I don't like gay dudes can find a bunch of hot dudes, girls can fall a bunch of hot dudes. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, oh, she's independent.

It's like, I'm independent. I don't know. I don't know why people think it's, the whole economy of Instagram is built on that. It's obviously normal. Yeah, that's another fucking thing. It's like, I'm just doing what literally every guy is doing, just in plain sight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I was talking to him about.

Everyone says, like, I'm weird or whatever. I'm perverted. Oh, okay. You jerk off in your bedroom. I jerk off on the train. That's weird. That's actually true. I am perverted.

I do jerk off in my car a lot. Like while I'm driving. Okay, we'll get back to that. What you were saying. But what I was saying is, I'm the only dude. I'm the only dude I know who's never sent a dick pick. I don't send dick pics. There we go.

Aren't we fucking unusual? That is, but also I've been in a relationship. Like, I may have sent it to some other lady. All right. So, yeah, liar, liar. No, no, no, no, no. I've never sent one. What I'm saying is in the seven years that I've been in the relationship with one girl,

over that time, if I've just been dating, I may have sent one over that. the course of that time, but I'm not going to send a dick to my girlfriend who has seen my dick 5,000 times, you know what I mean? But you have sent it to your girlfriend. No, never. Also, that's a weird.

I've never sent a dick pick. That doesn't mean you're not a pervert, though. You know, you're like, I haven't said. It's my only defense. Yeah, yeah. That's the only reason. Dude, I got nine dick picks locked in the chamber. For the day where you just like,

just like have like a glass of jacked an and it's like, all right, tweet them all. Yeah, that is funny because you definitely, you definitely cannot send somebody a dick pick, but you can tweet a dick pick, and it's not against the rule. You know what I mean? It's like, it's not, like, you know what I mean?

Sending somebody a dick pick directly is sexual harassment. But posting your dick on Twitter is not sexual rassment. Honestly, that would be hilarious apology letter if you ever get canceled, a picture of your dick and just, but I'm so sorry. Just like holding it and looking in the mirror. That's my idea, patent pending, bro. That is so funny.

That's such like a, just like a great word, like, you know what, fuck public life, dude. Yeah, dude, that's awesome. We need more people like that. Like, that video of Kanye just pissing on his Grammy is my favorite thing in the world. Did he do that? Yeah, dude, on Twitter, like, Pete COVID,

there's a video of him throws a Grammy in the toilet and starts pissing on it, and you're like, Which Grammy was it? I don't know. He's been so many. He's kicked out, I think, right? Was he kicked out of the Grammy thing? I think he's kicked out of the Grammy.

Because he's a fucking badass. I think it was the Taylor Swift thing got got him kicked out. But what does that mean to get kicked? Oh, like, not allowed. No, no, no. Or they brought him back the next year. No, he got kicked out with the Pete Davidson thing.

Which is dumb because Eminem made the music about murdering his like wife. That's true. And then they're like, yeah, you're cool. But then the Pete Davidson thing, they're like, you're online. Also, it's inappropriate. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, right. I'd stand by this.

Like, fuck y'all. Let him say crazy shit. If Eminem had Instagram in the 90, he would have been doing the same shit. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, dude, dude, I remember the offspring. But the offspring is also like a 40-year-old man. So, dude, the offspring had a, they had a concert where they brought out all these dolls of like the, the fucking in sync,

and then you beat the shit out of them with baseball bats. It's like, it's culture. You know, do shit like that. It's cool. Have you heard about... This is my culture. Eminem's song just bullying Nick Cannon

about when he fucked Moriah Carey. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So funny. Yeah, I mean, the matter of times, Eminem has said he's gonna murder somebody in a song. It's like, and then Kanye does, he doesn't technically murder Pete Davidson.

He just cuts his head off, puts flies. His eyes are winking. Also, Pete Davidson isn't a musician. He's not a musician. He's not, he's not involved in the Grammys. It's totally unrelated. Yeah, yeah. I also, but in the M&M song about Mariah Carey.

He's not in the Graham. No, Pete Davidson? He couldn't win a Grammy, though. Could he for comedy? Yeah, you can win one. No, he couldn't. Yeah. Someone could.

He never would. He's good. He's good. No, I don't have an issue that was kidding. He's hilarious. I like SNL. I hate SNL. I like them.

I like them, though. People hate him. I like them. Who hates Pete Davidson? All of Kanye's fans, actually. A lot of people actually. A lot of people actually. Everybody that does stand-up comedy.

You know it's really? Really? Yeah. Comics fucking hate him. Probably because he fucks everybody. This is what's so funny, though, is because people will be like, he's fucking out of his league.

It's like, okay, he's fucked 5,000 women like that now. It's no longer out of his league. He's a superhero. So he's literally, it's not, nothing is out of his league. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a Marvel superhero. What Marvel?

Or DC. Oh, yeah, he's in suicide. He died in like two seconds that movie. Yeah, he doesn't count. Superhero. Yeah, he's still a superhero, bro. Are you a superhero? No, but, like, also like,

nobody reads comic books. He wears his fucking girlfriend's dresses. I can fly. I've been on the phone with Michael where he's just like walking in the comic bookstores and being like, do you have the limited series of Batman, the Return of the Dark Night, number 14 with the misprinted 32nd page? Yeah, yeah. Are you a comic book nerd?

Yeah, but it's sad because I've started to read them recently and gotten lessened to them. It's not sad. It's sad that I can't read what children read anymore. It's like... There are graphic novels. They have adult-like themes. I don't get when guys are super into comic books now,

or when people go to Disneyland as adults. Okay, because comic books... Not all of them are challenged. There's people getting murdered. There's, like, fuck scenes. Like, it's exciting. Disneyland has rides, dude. You don't like roller coasters?

No. You know, I'm afraid of... You're afraid of heights. Oh, well, so you're a baby. Yeah, I'm afraid. You're a fucking bitch. Yeah, I don't understand. Just don't even go to theme parks.

They fuck it. They're stupid. I hate him. I hate him. Really? Have you been... Dude, Universal. I'm a theme park of a person.

Do you hate D-Parks or amusement parks or both? What the fuck is it different? I don't know they're- All right. You're talking to a Florida man. I like, I like, uh, I like, uh, fairs, like town fairs that everyone shits on hates. I love those. Joe just feels at home with those?

Yeah, playing those fucking greasy games for like a teddy bear. These jobs look doable. Yeah. I'm the car. I would love to be a car. Um, you jerking off in the car. We can we get them? Oh yeah.

When did you turn off the car? I, uh, I jerk off to in COVID-19 masks in my car. than I throw them out. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I have a huge commute. What else you're going to do? Listen to the podcast.

You jerk off while driving? When it's like traffic, if there's a traffic jam? Dude, that's even worse, though, because there's people seeing you jerk off in your car. How subtle can you be? I get horny. I get horny when I'm tired. And if the sun is beaming on me and you're not moving in traffic,

then my dick is hard. I'll just like, I'll rub one out. There's so definitely a video. of Joe just like, just like, so I'm being like, look it with this freak is. He's just like, oh. I've done it so many times that I've normalized it to myself. It's not a normal thing. It's going to be funny. It's going to be funny when somebody looks in the COVID-19 mask

on the ground is just covered and come. They're like, what happened to this guy? They're like, I thought this mask was going to be clean. Not that, but they're like, how to tell me? Jesus out of his nose. I'm going to protect myself today. Oh, oh, wow. I, I've done it one time, so I like,

but like, it wasn't a full jerk off. Like, it was like, I was like, I had a long ride home, and then it was like I started playing porn on my phone and, like, rubbing my dick over the pants in a car. I think that's different. It's not different, and it's just cowardly. You just couldn't own up to what you were doing. We got to end.

What do you guys want to promote? Nothing. Just Instagram or something, no? Oh, yeah, Jason D. Comedy. Okay. Oh, I guess I don't get to go, Michael. Oh, sorry. I forgot to Jeff.

I'm sorry. Joe Not Famous. You relate, so you don't get... Be one of his real followers. Please, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Follow my Instagram. I got...

My boss got, like, literally like 40,000 views on her... And then I got no followers from it. What the fuck, dude? You're just getting a water balloon... It's not like people are like, look at that cool, interesting guy. Yeah, and go to Twitter. If I'm starting to tweet now, I'm Joe not famous on Twitter and Instagram. Same handle.

One word. Joe's just a reply guy for a bunch of fucking, like, porn stars. You're the best. Yeah, yeah. This is the best. This is the best podcast. My podcast sucks. Don't listen to it.