Morning Good - Doing Very Well in Norway - Episode 12

Episode Date: February 7, 2021

We appreciate Igor and Jake for hopping on the show and being cool with losing a bunch of the conversation to technical problems, hopefully no one notices!Find both of these hilarious people on Instagram @iggysmallsjokes and @jake_velazquezAs always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. Yeah, that's how to find. Yeah. Dude, I was, when I was rearranging my room, I was facething with my sister. And she goes, why do you have so many fucking extension cords everywhere? I was like, I don't have any fucking outlets. And then like, sure to swear to God, five minutes later,

she goes, what's that white thing on the wall right there? I'm like, oh, shit, that's a fucking outlet. She's like, had one the whole time. Yeah, no idea. She was like, you're a fucking idiot. I can't believe you're fucking retarded. But she failed the bar exam six times, and I passed my PE in the first chance.

So you can hang that over her head. Professional engineering. I don't know why I thought physical education class. I thought I passed. High school gym. She failed the bar, but. Oh, by the way, I'm here with, give me a second. Igor Martinez

and Jake Velazquez. Sorry that took me a second. It's all good. Yeah. Two Hispanic last name. Yeah, yeah. I was like, go fuck these up, yeah. Louis Lopez here, we'll fucking have a little mariachi band. Yeah, yeah. We had him yesterday on. It's a good way the way I do it because I record it too and I'm just going to release this one next week.

Okay. Yeah. What's great about this is, it sounds like probably your most diverse episode, but we're three white men. Oh, yeah. No, I've got the weirdest diversity because I also had a black woman on but she wasn't actually black. Oh, yeah.

Black face? So it's like, I'm like, yeah, I'm really mixing it up. It's just like, actually not black. Oh, her parents are black, but... No, no, no, no. The woman was born, one of my, my third episode, the woman was born white, but she had Robert Downey Jr. surgery,

like, from Top of Thunder. Oh, shit. She identifies as black now, yeah. Wow. Yeah, and I think she's the reason I'm doing well in Norway. She's German, but maybe there's... I was just, I just got a notification today that the podcast is doing very well in Norway.

That's crazy. The Norwegians love a good black face, I guess. I guess so Yeah They have like a festival I think in Denmark Is it like that Really?

It's weird Yeah It's probably a Christmas thing They have Trudeau doesn't miss it Yeah Yeah Yeah

Yeah So is she transracial Yeah yeah yeah Fuck Is that's a real thing Yeah I think so Yeah

I don't know That's a real thing I mean If it is or We don't know If it's a real thing Yeah But a year from now

We're gonna find out How insensitive we are Sure sure Yeah I I heard this girl reached out to a booker who was only doing Hispanic shows. Oh yeah, I want to get her on my podcast. Yeah.

Whenever I see somebody gets canceled, I'm like, this would be a great guest, too. Oh, yeah, yeah. So she reached out to a booker who produces only Hispanic shows. And I think she's got like a Hispanic sounding last name. So he was like, all right, cool. And then he reaches out there. He goes, hey, where are you from or where are your parents from, you know, Hispanic? Or are you Hispanic?

She goes, no, I'm trans-Latina. I lived in Argentina for like a few years, and I really identified with. with that culture. And he was like, oh, we'll have you on another week. We'll reach out to you again. She was like,

okay. I've always thought about that. Like, if I just, like, tanned and got darker hair and then just, like, became,

just totally lied about my race, but became a bad, like, the worst representation. Like, whatever the Larry, the cable guy is, but for Spanish comedy.

Fucking Miguel Bueno. Yeah, just go out and say, like, just like, oops. Oh, just take with little voices and faces.

But they're, like, pay a full audience of like Hispanic people to pretend to laugh and just fuck with my friend's heads. Like, because I would love to just have some friend be like, you can't do this. I swear to God, if you ruin this for me, this is my inn.

Yeah, yeah. It's like, if you're just so offensive to the point where it's like, it's no longer offensive, it's just hilarious. Yeah, because it's like how, like, somebody that's doing that. It's like, how off are you that, yeah. Right. I think there is some secret to that, though, because I think like the people that are over the top with like no filter are thriving in today's world.

And if you have somewhat of a filter, you're going to get canceled. That's very true. Yeah. That's a good point. Like Trump, I mean, he's zero filter, yeah. Because there are those people that are like, fucking, they're bottling. They're bottling all that shit up. And then when somebody else says it's like, finally, I can fucking say.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I think also people want to cancel someone that they think is going to be upset about it. Like, you know, like, like, the Joey Diaz one was hilarious. I, like, vague. It was him. What he did was definitely gross. He would, like, offer, he'd be like, yeah. You girls, like, want stage time at the comedy store.

Be like, oh, okay, you can suck my dick and I'll give you stage time. That's how things work back then. And then he, like, responded, and he's like, you could sniff my fucking cock and balls. Like, I don't give a fuck. He's like, I'm fucking 50 years old. You're going to cancel me. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's how you got to be, I think. And then everybody's like, fuck, I guess I'm powerless at this. Right. Because it's all it is. All it is, it's like, it's like that thing of like trying to get, trying to agitate you enough so that you fucking respond. But it's like, if you don't, then they're like, I'm going to take my attention somewhere else.

Right. Like, you couldn't, like, you didn't, like, Trump became president. Like, you can't cancel him. I mean, he's canceled now. You see he's fucking impeached. But, like, that's just so funny that it's like, you try so hard. Like, he's not going to lose. I mean, I guess he did lose his career, but not for that reason.

You know what I mean? But he didn't lose his, like, uh, like, opinion of himself. Like, Trump still thinks he's the greatest thing in the world. He doesn't think he was canceled. He think, uh, his presidency was stolen, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You can't cancel that.

You can't cancel such delusion. Yeah, exactly. That's got to be such a funny, like, mindset to be like, He's probably just like, this fucking, he's like, why do all the bad things have to happen to me? Just out here, grabbing these bitches by the pussy, and they're just not grateful for it.

I mean, today's world, huh? We were, uh, yeah, it's been a weird, I talked about this little only last episode, but it's so funny because my girlfriend's gone, but, like, I'm doing stuff, like, I'm making bubble baths and, like, doing, like, whatever she thinks I'm doing

is, like, just, like, I'm doing the least sketchy things possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, uh, yeah, yeah, She's had a ski trip with a couple girlfriends and 10 guys. Well, what's wrong? What's wrong? Dude, I've been thinking about that joke you did recently about, like, emotional cheating.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you heard that joke? Which one? He talks about, like, if emotional cheating is different than a physical cheating. And if he, like, walked in and his girlfriend getting gang bang, and he was like, tell me the truth. Were you in love with any of those guys? That's a joke. Like, I came up on the podcast.

Because, like, you practice being funny. Oh, that can actually be something. Well, dude, I heard somebody else talking to their girlfriend about, is, dancing with someone else cheating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mahoney has a joke about that. Yes, that's right. It's right.

It's like, dude, on what point? Do you know? It's like, no. Yeah. What do you? No, no, I don't think so. Yeah, no. I mean, it depends unless you're fucking, like,

slipping fingers in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's like really heavy grinding, I don't think I'd be thrilled about it. Yeah, but it's not technically cheat. But it's also like cheating is such a weird contract because like, I feel like if you're an open relationship, then you're not cheating, but that is, you know what I mean?

It's like a weird. It's all about what you grew up. But then there's like a thousand gray areas where you're like this is a technical Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like the emotional cheating thing is like, yeah. That's devastating, dude. I think that's all, that's way worse. Emotional cheating?

I mean, compared to like, obviously, like, getting gang bans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's bad to say, yeah. Well, getting gang bany is like, well, at least I know this about you now. I can't fucking be with someone like this, you know? She's like. Or you're like, why didn't you tell me earlier? Yeah, yeah. What if that was your face?

But she's like, I just want to get banged by five of you. She's like, if you just find five guys that look like you and will. But I think it's so funny I always joke about this because I'm so bad at unlocking the door In the back of my mind I'm like my girlfriend could be cheating And she could sneak like five guys out

By the time I like unlock the door Because it takes so long You're such a knucklehead Yeah I think everybody has that thought When your relationship You're like oh no she's Just every little thing

You're like what if she's doing this But then yeah Well yeah it's like It makes no sense though You know like you'll go to these crazy places Where you like what you just said Like there's guys in here right now They must be fucking getting out

Yeah, on the fire escape. They have a rope ladder. They all shit. That'd be hilarious. They all showed up to bag. But they all have like a rope. They have like an escape plan already like routed. They're like matching uniforms.

They all know how bad you are unlocking the door. Yeah. They'll buy us an extra three minutes. Yeah. Dude, I hate that's what I hate the most is like no matter what your brain will always fucking make the worst out of. Oh yeah. Everything.

I would just see guys in my hall. way, like my girlfriend's old apartment. Like when we first started dating, I'm like, I saw some guy drinking water. I'm like, oh, was he hydrating? Because he just fucked my girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah.

Why is it was it? You know what, though? What's funny is like, it's like you make the worst out of each situation because if you make the, what's more pathetic than the guy making the best out of each situation, but it's like his girlfriend's cheating on him.

He's like, nah, it's. They're just really good friends. Yeah, yeah. They're just making it out. They're brother and sister. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that guy's way more pathetic. Yeah.

I'm probably. that guy, but whatever. Are you a relationship right now? Nah. Yeah. Oh, man. Fuck, relationships. No offense.

No, I'm, why would I... I'm personally offended by that. No, I get it. Well, it's always the other way around, though, like, all my single friend's like, I want to be in a relationship.

And then a lot of people in a relationship's like, I don't want to be single. I think I'm in a happy point now. I'm like, yeah, I'm good. Yeah. Being in a relationship is fucking nice, man. Yeah. I just don't think that they fucking...

Nowadays, it's just impossible for them to work out. Yeah. It's definitely harder. And it's just, like, the... Oh, could you hold up a little higher? This, the mics are kind of shitty. Yeah. Yeah.

Hold it higher? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, yeah. The, uh, stroke this thing. Oh, I got it. Um, yeah, it's also like, the dating in New York is, like, now that I'm 30 is, like, harder because girls are, like, pre-before you go on the date asking you what it's going to be. And it's like, can we just, like, see if there's, like, anything at all? Yeah, yeah.

I went on a date last night with this girl, and that's, we had that conversation before and the whole time, now I'm like, oh, I can never see myself with this person. This date will never work. Maybe we would have just had like a good time, you know? Yeah, that would have been something too. Yeah, that's a weird thing to like that sort of like mindset that you're like, if this isn't the one, then what's the point? But it's like, you could have great.

Or it better's having fun. Yeah. Like the world's ending. Like, what do you care about a long-term relationship right now? We have like five years left. Yeah. Dude, I had a really nice one of that. I don't even call her by her name anymore.

I just call her the summer of 2019. Because I thought you were going to say like, I don't even call her. I just call her. I just call her. No name. bitch to her face. What's up? What's up?

And we had a fucking great time. And like, I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship. I wasn't sure about her that much. And I didn't bring it up until the point where I was like, oh, I can't be with you. You know, it's like this is becoming a relationship. And it feels like I'm leading you on to a place that's, I don't want to go. And she was so fucking cool about it. Am I breaking this fucking chair?

Oh, you're good. You're good. All right. Sleying back. And it ended really well. She was like, yeah, I don't think I can do this either. And it was fucking, it was like, oh, this is what it should be like. Yeah, yeah.

Like, if you're dating someone, it's like just like a three, four month period where you're just fucking having fun, fucking going out and shit, and then eventually you're like, all right, this isn't going to work, this is the time to leave. It's sad,

but you fucking really appreciate it. But the worst of those people that act like you wronged them or something. Oh, yeah. They're like, oh, you fucking blah, blah, you're like, I was just, sorry, I don't want to date you. That's not a criminal thing

that you don't want to date somebody. Yeah, I'm in the middle of that now and it's fucking horrific. And I'm like hating this person now because they're making me feel like a piece of shit where I'm like, no, I just don't want to be in a relationship when I fucking told you that. And I think I think that's pretty fucking honest of me.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And then my favorite, though, is you could be honest. And my favorite is, some of my girlfriend's friends, you used to say all the time, they're like, why wouldn't these guys just be honest with me? It's like, I don't think you want to know the full truth. It's like either you want the truth, but then you get the truth and then now you're bothered by it. So it's like.

I also have a take. Well, one, I think my happy ever after, you know, the kids grow up is like people falling in love for me. I think it's a mutual breakup. That's my, like, that's just something I dream. Really? You know, just having like it. Oh, yeah.

That sounds amazing. That was great. It was like four months only, but it was fucking great. Yeah. But I'm convinced, like, a lot of these girls have this, like, misconception. I'm sorry. Hold the mic close. Oh, sorry, sorry.

Very shitty mics. I hate to copy. It's all good. I'm convinced, like, these girls, they're like, oh, why these guys, like, change in their mind or whatever? Sometimes it's because, like, we don't, our minds are, like, so weak. Like, I'll think I actually like a girl. And they have sex with her, and I'm like, I didn't like her. And it's not like, oh, I used her for sex.

It's like, it's like, it's like, No, I just like, before we had sex, I'm like, oh, she's so cool, whatever. Then after, I'm like, get the fuck out. Yeah, your brain is like literally telling you something and then it, like, there was a lie just to like procreate. Yeah, yeah. I want to like this girl, yeah. Yeah. I can't.

Like, it's not, you know, like you also give them a longer leash before you. That sounds bad. That sounds bad. Is that what you do? Yo, imagine walking a joke walking a girl. What's up guys? Oh, that doesn't sound good. All right.

You go, you give a more, like, of a pass, you know, when, because you're, like, horny brain is like, oh, she's, like, laughing at all my jokes or whatever. Sure. And then after you have sex, you know, like, oh, she'll laugh at anything, you know? Yeah. She laughed at me at the whole time. Yeah, yeah. She's laughing at me, not with me.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I never thought about that, though, that, like, the fact that your brain is, like, convincing you that you're falling in love when really it's just, like, just get your dick wet. Yeah. That's what we want. Thank God it doesn't do, like, other things. Well, I guess your brain doesn't tell you not to wear a condoms.

But, like, thank God it's not like, it doesn't tell you to, like, bust in people. Because, like, women's brains there are, like, weird things like that where, like, they literally have, like, weird maternal instincts that will, like, fuck with their head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I knew, I knew this comic who was dating a girl. And he was so funny. He's like, oh, I really like this girl, blah, blah, blah. And he was like, but she did, like, a weird thing. Like, when we were having sex and I told her I was about to come, like, she kind of, like, held me closer.

Oh, I think I've heard somebody talk about this last day. I was like, oh, dude, she wants, she wants to get pregnant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she's like, he's like, no, no. He's like, we talked about it afterwards. And what did she say? I was like, well, I don't want to have kids. What do you think?

She's like, ah, I mean, yeah. Oh my God. She didn't give you an answer? What do you mean? That's terrified. Yeah. What if she, like, one of the kids, but not him? She's like, I'm really not into you.

I do want a kid. Well, that's what I think. She's like, I think she just wanted to get pregnant. And because he was like, he doesn't have a, he's like a job in retail. and she's like a fucking doctor, so she just wants the kid. She's like, I'll deliver it myself.

Yeah, yeah. And that moment, he was convinced, I think we convinced him like, oh, fuck, I got to end this.

And he was like, right before he was like, oh, I think I'm pretty excited about this. Yeah, no, yeah, that's terrified.

I'm like so careful. Like, I pull out and wear, like, when I wore condoms, I wouldn't even finish inside with a comedy. Yeah. No,

maybe it's just me too happy about my comedy, like in my mind, I'm picturing like, no, I'm going to be too successful. I'm like, nope, can't destroy what I got going on right now. No, thank you.

But it's like, what was it? Yeah, I don't have kids one day, but just now is just terrifying. Do you know he has it perfect? It's Bill Burr. Yeah. He had his first kid at like 48, 49. Yeah, I don't know if I want to wait that long because I feel like I'll get too nervous.

I'll be like, this is never going to have. Like I want a kid. I would actually have a kid now, just I don't want commitment. You know, so like, I pursue the happiness. Will Smith in pursuit of happiness. Oh, no, no, come up to the kid, not to a relationship, though. Yeah. You know, I would take the kid in.

I'd raise him. Yeah, yeah. But I wouldn't want to be married. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that is the weirdest thing. It's the opposite. Yeah. It's like, I don't want to be a dad.

I want to be a single dad. Yeah, I want a single dad. It would be cool, though, if you could just take your kid, like, where, like, if you just take them to open mics. And that wasn't, like, bad for their mental health. So I just take them to open. Just like wherever you are, just like a little version of you, just kind of, like, You ask the one girl every open mic to like, just look after him for my five minutes.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He looks hungry. Yeah. Yeah.

But I think it would, like, inspire me to be work harder, you know? Oh, yeah. You got a kid. Yeah. Yeah. But it definitely goes the other way where some people have a kid and they just stop comedy because they're like, yeah. That's true. But then some people like it helps because they have more material.

But also it's like, you know, if you have a kid and then you dedicate your life to that kid, you realize that that was more important to you than comedy. So it's like maybe that's just a good thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, that you found something that you love more than this other thing that you thought you loved a lot. Yeah, yeah.

But the worst is the in-between, though, where you really don't want your kid, and then you have a kid and you also want comedy, but you can have that you resent the kid. Yeah, yeah. And then you follow was her name, Casey Anthony? Yeah, yeah. What did she do?

Do you remember what she did? She was had an only chance. I think. Huh? No, I know. Well, she killed a kid, but one of the details. So, from my understanding, I don't know what she did for living. Also, my brother went into the cross coast, I guess, fucked her, like, before everything

happened. Wait, why did you say that again? Well, she was a hottie. Yeah, she was hot. Your brother fucked her? No, my brother's the cross coach fucked her. Oh. Yeah.

A lot of coaches fucking in Florida. Yeah, yeah. How funny would it be somebody who was like, fucked her during the trial? He's like, dude, nobody's going to do it. I'm going to do it. He's like, I'm going to fucking do it. Dude, if I'm being totally honest. If I was single, I would have done it.

What? I would have fucked Casey Anthony. During the trial? You think it would have had a chance? Dude, you really think, like, I can get... This is that desperate for dick? Dude, you got to a party, she's like, I'm Casey Anthony. And then people are like, oh, God, that's...

She might be the most desperate. I mean, she went as far as to kill her children. Yeah. Why did she kill the kid? Just hated him? So I heard what happened was... I could be totally wrong. I don't have to look up details.

But from my understanding, what happened was, like, she... This is my mom told me. I have no idea this is true. But I think she, like, was partying and the kid, like, died. And then she, like, freaked out and, like, chopped up. It's, like, she basically, like, neglected it in a way. Yeah.

And it died. And then... Yeah. Do you hear about that guy who fucking killed his wife and two kids? They got from Colorado? No. Well, there's a lot of guys. I was going to say that's, like, we won.

Chris Benwale. Yeah. No, no. Aaron Hernandez. No. That's it where Aaron Hernandez is it, right? No, Aaron Hernandez just killed a dude. Killed his butt.

Oh, yeah. There's another football player that killed his wife, though, right? Yeah. I know. Obviously, O.J. Simpson, but yeah. Anyway, Colorado guy? They're not the best husbands. No, this guy, like, he, dude, it was, it's on Netflix.

It was just fucking, just a terrible story. So this guy just, like, one, I forget the background story, but one day, he just pretty much decides to kill his wife, strangles his, like, six and four-year-old daughters, dumps their bodies in, like, this fucking, like, industrial part of town. and then when she doesn't stop when she just stops showing up people start asking questions he's like oh I thought she just went missing

I think she's missing and he put on like this face in front of like news and it was like if you're if you've gone please come back please come back and then slowly the pieces start to come together

and then like and then the trial you said decided to which is so crazy to me because it's like it's not like he went snapped like he decided he's like I've weighed out the pros and cons he made like chart

it looks like if they were Danube who'd be first degree right first degree. Yeah, he didn't snap. He seemed like conscious and even during the trial. He's like, they're just annoying.

It's a lot to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. And they just kept looking down and, like, crying and he had this girlfriend and the girlfriend had no idea what was going. He was just like, he's married

and he wants to leave her. Jesus. Yeah, man. It's like him crazy. That's wild. He don't get married. It never works out. Yeah.

You'll kill that. That's what's going to happen. Yeah, it's like, honey, take out the trash. I mean, they snap. Yeah. During the trial, somebody had that really funny joke. I think people neglect Jim Norton a lot.

He's really, I think he's very... Of course. He had that one joke, like, the first joke he comes out on. He's like, this case he had the trial is not looking good. He's like, I'm this close to not wanting to fuck her. This close. She has, like, nudes online, though.

Yeah, she has only fan. I think she has an only fan. Oh, I didn't know she has an only fan. Which is the hottest thing I've ever heard, but... I'm kidding. There's a... What's that, like, you know, locked up or whatever? you know that show

there's shows like different prisons and like different inmates they had one for murder or what's that shit called Man slaughtero Oh okay yeah And this guy was like Did exactly what the other guy did

Like you know killed his wife Killed his daughter And he was just like The way they had it set up He was like you know I'm so like resentful of what I did Like I just want them to like My time's up

I need to go and I'm like I like this guy This guy's got principles Or maybe he just got fucked in the ass too many times Yeah Those guys are always like, that guy's going to get raped so badly. Oh, yeah. It's like a thing, yeah.

I was talking to my mom about one of her friends who went to jail. Like, apparently they would show like brooms up his ass. Like, I assume the handle side. I don't know. It's like. Shuff in the fucking bristles. It's like, this is it. Why?

It doesn't make sense. And you're the guys. You're like, switch the ends. Switch the ends. What are you doing? That's amazing. Rolling? We're rolling.

And we're not giving up. This is a stuff. We're powering through. Yeah, we're going to clip it all together. This is probably a nightmare on the end of somebody listening in the future to this episode. But just know how hard we worked so you could sit there on your stupid fucking ass in Norway. What did I just destroy the Norwegian fan base? You're just like the quickest to fall from grace on the comedy charts.

But then like the Danish hate the Norwegian so all of a sudden you're like a huge landmark. You start a fucking civil war. that's too especially like after doing comedy you realize how much like even in casual conversations like losing momentum oh yeah yeah and how like like somebody says something and you're like fuck we're really going there oh yeah yeah and then like just that one drop and you're like all right we got pick it back yeah that's the worst when it happens in a conversation yeah and you're like oh okay i swear i have more to offer yeah let me win you back yeah yeah you got to prove your worth with comedians though i feel a little more comfortable because i feel like everyone's down for like

an off-color joke occasionally. You throw something in. You could get the conversation back. When that happens on a date, I feel very awkward. Like, I feel like I need to get out of there. Yesterday, I made like one or two more, too many pro-Trump jokes, I think. They were not landing.

That's so funny. I had a similar thing with that with a girl where I was like, I was like, honestly, like, I understand he's terrible, but it's like, if you walked in through that door right now, you would tell me you wouldn't like sit down and just have a conversation with me. And she was like, fuck no. I would be like, hell yeah.

Like, you're kidding me, this guy? It's like one of the most hated guys ever just like Sid Stano. I was like, yeah, I'm going to talk to him. Yeah, I would ask him like, I don't know. I'd be weird. I want to pet his hair or something. Just like, somebody nobody's ass before. Yeah.

Yeah, man. I bet you you can see his scalp. Oh, yeah. Those are thin looking hairs. Those are thin, man. Yeah. Dude, I feel like I probably have the most sympathy for guys who are like thinning. And you can see their scalp and they still have the hair.

hair. I'm like, just let it go, man. Oh, they're saying, just let go what they do. No, no. Watch the Capitol riots. Like, dude. Come on. Look at the fucking hair. No, no. Just like any, like, I saw a comic do that. And I was like, just, just move on. Dude, you're not a hair guy anymore.

Yeah, it's not your thing. I know it's tough to it fucking, you know, accept, but just do it. So I agree with you. Or I would have agreed with you usually. But during the pandemic, my roommate was gone bald. He shaved all his hair and put Rogain in from the, starting with being bald. And he has a beautiful out of hair. What?

Yeah. He wasn't, like, totally balding, but he definitely had a ball. Like, he was, you know, enough that he had already bought Rogaine. Yeah. And it works. It works. I think you just got to catch it early. It's like cancer.

Yeah. All the short- Which is worse. I don't know. Balding is like cancer. I mean, imagine, but every person of cancer, he bals, too, though. They're like, this is not the worst part of it. This is fucking fine.

I don't know why it took me a second. My brain was trying to piece. I was like, there's a joke in here. There's a joke in here. That's funny. That's hilarious. Dude, I got a haircut recently, and I've had a bald spot for forever, so I've always been on edge. Yeah.

That it's going to, first can just, you know, like gentrification, just spread out. And this guy, he did the sweetest thing, and he, like, went over my bald spot, and he just snipped. Which is, like, there's no hair there. But I can actually feel like the vibration and the wind from the scissors onto my little ball. And I was like, that's so nice of him to just make me feel like there's hair there. Yeah. It's like a polite thing. Yeah, he knows my ego

is fragile and it just made me feel nice. It made me feel more connected to him. The wild thing about haircuts, I went to one and the woman, I've been there three times she didn't recognize me. And then she sat down and she said down,

she said, oh, Michael, yeah, yeah. Like she knew me just because, I mean, if you think about it, they're more. Yeah, their viewpoint is different. Yeah, they're just staring at the top of your head all the time. Yeah.

Dude, my favorite was, I went to a barber in Greenpoint. It was this Polish woman. And she was like, from neighborhood? And I go, yeah. And then that's all she said to me. That was all.

And I think it's because my theory is that she asked that. If you're not from the neighborhood, then she doesn't have to care that much because she'll probably never see you again. Yeah, yeah. If you're like trying to get to know. Right. If you're in the neighborhood, then it's like, all right, I can't do a bad job because he's he could come back.

Yeah. I actually, I hate conversation with hair because I hate the comedy conversation you're having with the strangers. So they're like, oh, so what's going on? You're in comedy? And I'm like, yeah, yeah. And then you're like talking about it. But you're not like, you don't have anything to prove right now.

So you're like, yeah, no, just bar shows and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, did you talk to anybody off the street? And they're like, so you on Netflix? Yeah, I have no idea how fucking difficult it is to get on that. Yeah, exactly. The best is I would have loved to hit in those years where they were, there was like a four-year period where they were just tossing them out.

Yeah. They gave everybody hours. And now it's like very hard. It's very hard, but it's also like they're tossing it out. Because it's like, it's hard to get a Netflix special, but they're also giving Netflix specials to people. that are like barely comedians. Like, what was that guy's name?

The Asian dude that was like an actor. He's a great actor. Oh, Kim Jung. Yeah, like he shouldn't be having a Netflix stand-up. He's been doing... Rob Schneider got one. Yeah, like that's crazy. Sarah Cooper.

Right, right, right, right. Did you guys watch that actually? No. Yeah. I do... Well, I like that she didn't just do stand-up because I think that's not what she's really known for. Right, right.

So it was a comedy special, you know? Whereas, like, the same thing with Shult. Schultz did his like, his, I don't know, like fucking desk piece shit, which I kind of like a lot. Because I don't like his,

I don't like his crowd work that much sometimes. Like, I want to see his material. His material's great. I love his material. So I like that they're kind of going that route and they're kind of dividing it. And that might actually make it better for stand-up

because it's like, you don't have to do stand-up. That's not your main thing. Yeah, and that's better because there's certain people that you might think are funny, but you don't want to watch their stand-up. Right.

Watch something else of them, Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then that might go back to just putting in, like, strong stand-ups. We need a modern-day, like, deaf comedy jam type thing where it's, like, seven to ten-minute sets. Yeah. But way more comics. Yeah. Because now it's only, like, 30 minutes or an hour.

So it's only the elite comics getting specials. Yeah. But there's a lot of, like, well, they have to change it, too. Because, like, I heard Donno Rawlings took a whole hour and cranked it into 15 minutes for his. Oh, his degenerates? Yeah, he thought he was going to get, like, all right, I guess I got to strip all these tags out, all these, which that's got to be

a rough thing where you're just like, you've worked so long on an hour and I'm gonna, yeah, yeah, he's sort of like in that made it category though. I'm talking like people that even we know that are like kind of rising up to get a little more opportunity.

Because the problem is late night nobody watches it and you have to be clean. So there needs to be like a version where you can be fucked up or whatever, or whatever you want to do because like even if it's not clean stuff, they still,

I think in late night, don't they still tailor your sets and they're still like, oh, even if it's not like a dirty thing or inappropriate. They're still like, oh, this will resonate with people in Ohio more.

Well, dude, I heard that some people was like, you can't do that joke because we're not, we're have a, uh, you say this company and we have, we're sponsored by their rival company. Yeah, yeah. So they can't even do that joke. It's like, what the I can't say McDonald's? Yeah, yeah. They give some people I think like a, like a license to

say whatever that have done it like 10 plus times, you know, but if it's your first time. Mark Normans, man, you watch some of Mark Normans, you like he's getting edgier and edgier, but. Yeah, well, I think they give him complete. Like he gets to say whatever he wants, you know, because he's all fucking It's hilarious, yeah. Yeah, and he's great. But I think, like, it would just be cool if there was, like, that Def Comedy Jam type thing where it's, like, a little more rugged.

You could say whatever you want, and it's, like, some, a lot of people that are unknown. And then you watch those, I've been watching it a lot lately. You watch them. So many people that are, like, actors now came from Deaf Comedy Game. You forget how good they were at stand-up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I went through a warmhole of just watching Martin Lawrence. Oh.

Is that I said a warm hole? Is that not the word? Wormhole. You said warm hole. I went through a warm hole Martin Lawrence interesting It's very warm

It's warm It's like yeah It's like what you would say After a glory hole That was a warm hole Yeah Yeah but Martin Lawrence Yeah

Dude he fucking And he just strolls out Nunchalant And he just like What's up with you baby It's so fucking great His crowd works amazing It's incredible

You see the boots thing Yeah where the girl has the boots up. Did you see the one about the girl with the fake hair? No, no. He's a girl, he's like, girl, you got horse hair.

And then everybody kind of giggles. He goes, there's some fucking horse on such a parque. He's like, cool little motherfucker fucking guy. Steve Harvey, have you seen some of his? He has a joke about going to Iraq and he's like,

I'm shooting everything. He's like, I'll shoot a baby in the face. Like, he's basically like, he's like, he's like, I don't care if they're coming, pulling on my camo pants,

I'm like, nah, I'm shooting every woman child. His act out is hilarious. He's just going, bang, bang, literally for like 10 minutes. And people are dying. They're like run it up and down the house. You ever, you ever done a show where there's, it's like so much energy coming at you from the audience? Like, you're fucking doing great. But it's so much.

And you're like barely holding on. You ever have one of those? Like, I watch those and I get like PTSD from that. Oh, yeah. Because they're just like so much people are fucking jumping. People are losing their minds. And you're just like, imagine being on stage with that. It's like, how do you control?

that coming out you and not just like, this is overwhelming, you know? Yeah, I feel like, and the next thing you know, you take your, I think you go too far because you don't know how to control it. Like, you're like, like, you're like, Jesus. Because, like, people are hiding it. People do that.

Like, I know, uh, Doug stand-up used to get naked on stage. Really? That's something I would love to do, like, if it was acceptable. Like, I think I'm very, like, you got an average dick, but I'm very comfortable with you getting totally naked. And I'm like, I would love, I would watch, like, I'd be curious to see, like, how that interact, you know what I mean? I'm like, that form of standup hasn't been.

I'm telling you there's some weird level of stand-up that involves sex on stage. It hasn't been reached yet because it's going to keep evolving. I'm not saying that's going to be like a permanent thing with it, but I just be, I don't know. We got experimental. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think it's like, we're at the point where it's like because of the specials and everything, it's like, everything seems to have to be polished. Yeah, yeah. So I think we're eventually going to trend back until it's like really weird underground shit.

What if it does get to that point? Could you imagine somebody just doing a set with like cum on their? face. But like, we're trying to be really serious. Like, an Nannet type thing, they're like, we've got to be better. Just like, they're serious, but just that'll be, that'll be, that'll break stand-up. That'll be funnier than any joke I've ever heard.

I think that's how it has to be. It has to be like a very serious message with like a hilarious sexual, like, embarrassment or something. You've got like your dick, like, tucked between your legs or something like that, but you're like really giving it a... Dude, I laugh, I'll, I laugh, I lose my mind laughing when it's a comic. And I think I've seen you do this on stage a couple times for

doing you're doing your shit and then your your your your zippers down the entire time oh my god yeah no i used to i used to free ball on not like i used to not wear boxers and my girlfriend told me one day she's like i could see the head of your penis and she's like everybody's been able and i was like i was like i always free ball on stage and she's like people have just been looking and like i started wearing boxers the last like two years because that's hilarious like you know like the rim of the head yeah we know yeah yeah yeah but that's hilarious my zippers down the whole time i've I fucking lose my mind when I see that show. You're so oblivious to that.

That's amazing. But I'm also not helping you out. What if I've always bombed and I've just been having my zipper down? And I was like, dude, these jokes are fucking solid. I have no idea what I can't get people's attention. Yeah, yeah. They keep looking at the floor. Yeah, yeah.

I see some crazy shit, do. My favorite shit I ever saw. I'm not going to say names because I want this guy to book me again. But I was in Florida one time. And this dude shows a gun on stage. Oh, man. And he goes, my girl's about to do comedy. Y'all better laugh.

It shows us a gun. So we're all just like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Just like die laughing. That's amazing. Great guy, but it was just such a crazy experience. Yeah. What is going on here? It's a good boyfriend, honestly.

Yeah, yeah. productive. Yeah. But like, was everybody aware, like, oh, this is a real gun? Yeah. You can Florida. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So my buddy's got my best friend. I'd ask him one day. He was like, he has 19 guns. That's a lot. That's too many.

A lot of guns. Yeah, that is a lot. It's more than you need. It's like, yeah, like, I don't even think I, I, it's like books. Like, I have 19 books. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The level that he's talking about. Yeah.

Yeah, no, it's funny. I remember I went back and like, it was so funny seeing certain people. I'm not going to say who, my life, but looking for their gun like it was their wallet. Yeah. They're like checking. They're like, have you seen it? I'm like, you should know where your gun is. Yeah.

Do you know Chris Brown, the, not the, the comedian. The comedian. He has. a bit exactly about that in Atlanta like people being like where's my gun? This is hilarious. Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah, that's, it's weird. He's like, oh, you got my gun? Let me shoot yours. Yeah, that's not. You ever shoot a gun? Yeah, yeah. I did this year actually during the pandemic. Nice.

And Colorado. Yeah. How was it? Fucking crazy. I get the AR-15 regulation because a baby could shoot that guy. Yeah, yeah. So powerful.

And it's like, You don't even feel it. Yeah, yeah. But it's definitely sobering. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You have... I grew up around, like, so much that for me, I'm like, it's the opposite where I'm like,

oh, this is a gun. Like, to the point where I was always like taught gun safety, but at the same time, like, it's, yeah, it's, uh, yeah. One of my, but my roommates used to have an AR-15. And one time I saw him, he had like a horrible trip on acid and I hadn't seen him for like two days. And then I just walk into the apartment, there's an AR-15 sitting on the table. I'm like, I hope everything's going all right with this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, he had in high school. He would shoot like stop signs and stuff because you could get it at 18 in Florida for a while. Oh, yeah. That's crazy. I had a friend who had an AK-47 and it somehow just, I swear to God, dude,

he was in college, he was at FSU, and it just went off. And it just went off and it like fired through the roof or something or through one of the walls. And he was so worried that it hit somebody that he was in the fetal position in his shower for like the rest of the day. He was terrified.

Oh, that's your life over. Yeah, that's it. Just from like a little fucking. What you got to do is you shoot through the floor and then you pretend it was the guy below you go upstairs. You'd line it up. Did you, did you feel, right? Somebody's going on.

I don't know who it was. Must have been the guy right below me. I don't know. That's hilarious. Yeah, the first time I only shot a gun once, but it was my buddy who won't make like 19 guns. And back then he didn't have as many. But I shot like a, I shot like a pistol. I shot a fucking shotgun.

I shot a rifle. So I had like all that experience. Yeah. in that one time. So I was like, oh, this is fucking great. Yeah, no, it's fun. Yeah. And the thing, too, is, like,

I hate to get too much on politics on the podcast because I really, I don't give a shit who you voted for. I see this like every episode. Whatever. But the thing is, it is interesting because, like, I also have realized also, like, the difference of people's lives. Like, I have family that lives in the middle of Tennessee. And I'm like, they kind of need guns.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But I live in New York now because I used to be like, I'm less pro gun in New York since I've lived here because I'm like, oh, there's a level of comfortability knowing that less people have guns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, it's somebody that lives in a different state. I get they'd have different issues. They got to deal with different things.

Yeah, and I completely understand that. I like that it's so strict here. So it's like, you're not going to really run into anybody with a gun. Very, very rarely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My favorite is I went to go see the Joker, though. And they were not careful at all. I went opening night when everybody's like,

the theaters are going to get shot. I'm like, well, I'm a big Batman fan. So we'll see what happens. I was like. I'll rorsk it. Yeah. And this guy right in front of me had a guitar case on his back. And they didn't even church it at the movie theater.

It's terrifying. And it was so funny, because I remember they were like, there's this whole conversation over everybody was like, yeah, no, there's going to be cops in every single movie theater of showing with the Joker tonight. And there's just, we're like, I wonder who it is. There's a guy in like a suit with an earpiece just standing in the back of the room.

We're like, all right, it's definitely that guy. Joaquin Phoenix was in the same theater as us, though. He left, I guess he did was just a showing right before us. And I was like, oh, that'd have been so cool. But you would have just been staring out of the whole time, like, smiling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went on a date once with a girl

And go see Joker That's a harsh movie No dude I went to see Joker by myself With like a room full of people that were with other people So they're like looking at you Yeah Jesus Christ But I went on a date with a girl once And we both got high

And as soon as we sat down And she goes I really don't feel comfortable I was like why He's somebody could shoot this place up I'm like all right Let's get the fuck out of it Yeah So we just bounce

Dude I get that with movie theaters All the time I stand towards the door. I get that now a little bit. Yeah. I don't leave it a little bitch. Yeah, I don't leave. I get so high for the movies, though, but anything's possible.

But for the Joker, it was actually a good thing because, like, it's about some guy who, like, goes crazy and you shoots people. So I, like, it really gave an edge to the movie. That's true. I'm not even kidding. Like, it enhanced it. I was like, oh, this is, like, real life. I was like, this guy could be in the theater right now. Yeah.

That's really fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think, like, going back to the gun thing. it's just also like a densely populated issue. You know, so like in rural areas, you could have guns. It won't make much of a difference.

But in New York, if everyone had guns, this place would be wild. Oh, my God. Yeah, because there's, yeah. I kind of would like to see in like an alternate universe, though, like how it was for one day. Oh, my God. It would be electric. Dude, I would pull the gun out on my bodega guy all the time because he charges me a different price every time. I was like, last week it was $2.50.

How much was that that carbon minimum? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, there's debit card minutes. I went to a fucking bar the other week. It was $25 minimum for the card. And I'm like, that's insane.

Oh, yeah. A bar? That's kind of, I guess bars, though, they try to juice you, you know? Yeah, but I was like, that's... Or it was like a restaurant, though. It wasn't like a bar bar bar. And I'm like... Yeah.

I was just going to get like a seltzer. And I'm like, all right, I guess I'll. Well, because then... It's so much where it's like... I think everybody has a card, right? So they're going to force you to get that, I guess. Yeah. And of course, they have an ATM.

like, sorry the ATM's broken. I'm sure it fucking is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. That's why I always carry cash, man. Carey cash. Yeah, cash is the move, especially around here.

Cash is king. Especially, the pandemic honestly showed me because I was like, I feel like an outlaw right now, you know, like, especially when I was in Colorado. I was like riding ATVs, go and shooting. I was carrying cash. Like what the most is.

It's nice to have cash, man. Oh, it does. You feel powerful when you pull out of water of cash. It does feel kind of cool. Are you guys Bitcoin guys? No. I don't know what the fuck.

I don't know what it is either. Do you have Bitcoin? Yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. It's freedom. You want to feel like an outlaw. It's freedom. Wear like a cowboy hat.

Why you're sitting on your fucking desk? What is that? That's currency, though. It's cryptocurrency. It's cryptocurrency. So I don't want to explain it because I don't know enough. I'll sound like an idiot. Have you used it to buy anything?

No, not to buy anything. My friends have, my friends are getting like super into it, but I hear them talk about it. I'm like, you guys sound like virgins. Like, this is it. I remember my buddy used to have like a bunch of money in Bitcoin because that's the only way you can use the Silk Road, which is like the online drug market.

That's kind of how it started, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, the Silk Road? You know the Silk Road? No. Oh, you would love it. It shut down. It used to be, it was a black market.

It's what to get all your illegal, like, you can murder people. Yeah. Like, yeah. You're going to hire, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, like, it was going for a while. And then they had, like,

the Silk River 2.0, and then it had something called Agora, which is, like, the same kind of, like, idea. But yeah, no, it's literally, like, my body showed me,

it's like a, it's like an eBay, but for, like, just buy any drugs. But it was very regulated in a good way in the sense that, like, if you got a bad review, you got kicked off.

Yeah, yeah. So people, like, like, you could buy bad good drugs on there because people would be like, oh, we tested this. It was meth, not Molly and that guy would get banned

in sight. So, like, that's perfect. But that's a weird level of like... That's so funny. You can murder somebody. But like, as long as you actually do it, we don't want anybody lying on here. This assassin was a hack. He left blood everywhere. It was messy. Yeah.

If it was like, that's why I was like, oh, if it was just drugs, I'd be like, hell yeah. It was not. Yeah. It's a little too. It's like, yeah, the whole underworld is on the Silk Road. Fuck, yeah. But that's how Bitcoin sort of started because it's like a, you could buy, stuff on there through Bitcoin. Without a traceable.

Yeah. And then I remember what happened to my buddy, though, is because he had to cash out and he had no way of like getting it into cash. So he just like bought a bag of DMT. Right. But he just had it. It was so weird because you got cashed. And he got it on New Year's like, not really a New Year's drug to do. Nah.

Right when it fucking ball drops. All right. Bye guys. Just going to tune out. Living the planet. I'm going to go to the fourth dimension here. One thing I always, I always wanted to do, but it got horrible reviews with Salvia. Everybody I knew had a horrible trip on it, but I'm so curious because, like, the strangeness of it.

Because DMT, like, people, I'm like, that makes, like, I know it doesn't make sense, but like, oh, but Salvia, people say that's like, everybody has such a different experience. Like, one person told me everything they touched literally turned to Legos. Like, you have full-blown hallucination? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And have you ever done it? Yeah. What was it like for you? Dude, I was sitting on a couch just like that.

And I had my arm, right, on the back. And when I wanted to move my arm felt like a piece of the furniture. Oh, shit. It felt like, and I did one of the, it was like. like, I remember just like all this stretch. It felt like my arm was becoming my arm from the lumber. So I was like, oh, shit.

And then I did, it's a terrible. And then I was watching also Jurassic Park Lost World. And I thought the, not the, the triceratops was fucking coming out of the screen. I was like, in the field. I was like, ah! It was like, oh, fuck, it's almost over. Don't worry.

But yeah, it's short. And it hurts just so weird. Because like TMT, it's like, I mean, it's strange in a way, but from what I've heard, Like you have like this journey and stuff like that. But Salvia people like say the weirdest thing. Right.

Everybody looked like they were grapes. Like very strange. Yeah. There's not that, like, connection to anything. Connection to life or the universe or whatever. It's just, it's just hallucinating. It was legal for like the longest time, too. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's why, like, I originally had curious because I was like in eighth grade and I was like,

I don't like to smoke weed and get in trouble. I'm like, I'm going to smoke salvia. And being a law-abiding citizen. Just your face. I'm not going to be an idiot. Yeah, I'm going to smoke. And then we would smoke, oh, do we smoke the fucking,

uh, the spice all the time. Oh, that shit was terrible. Oh, wait, which one, like K2 or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was terrible. Oh, dude, so every year for, for hockey, we had to stop, uh, smoking on New Year's. So everybody just started smoking K2 probably?

Yeah. So one of the, one of the kids was a fucking drug out of he ended up, like popping pills and all that shit. He would smoke K2 and I did it a couple times in them. I was like,

this is not worth it, dude. No, it's weird. I don't even think you really get high. No, it's like, you feel off. I don't know. I got, I just get really high on it,

but it was like the strangest, like just sensation. Weird, yeah, yeah. It's, it's like, you're literally like, this isn't, this isn't good for me. No, yeah,

because it literally, it's like leaves and they spray them down with, like chemicals. It's like Pope hurry. Yeah, it smells like Pope hurry. Yeah, yeah.

I can like the way it smells. I think I, I think I actually, uh, thought, I think I smelled a homeless man smoking that shit on the train. You're like,

in playoff season. Yeah, well, that was like one of the high school's biased drug tested kids. And it was so funny because kids would just do way worse drugs that wouldn't show up. Sure. Like there'd be kids like drinking cough medicine. They're like, dude, I'm not trying to get kicked off the football team. You're like, this is not. But they do so much acid in K2 and stuff.

And it would just be so funny, though, because people would smoke at the bag, yo, this is an actual weed is. Okay, thank God. Like, they'd be like me. Thank God. I was very concerned. Well, that's what I did. I got put on drug. I was on, at my college, in the first semester, I was on four types of

probation and drug testifying. Yeah. It's like housing probation, academic probation, drug probation, and key probation, which was because I lost my key too many times. I'm like, you guys are just fucking me. It was like. Do they not give you another key and you have to go to them? Essentially, they're like, if you lose your key again, you have to pay for like a new

block or something. Oh, dang. Fuck. I got caught underage drinking twice before my first day of school on campus. That's kind of crazy. Yeah, but the only thing that saved me was. the fact that I hadn't been officially enrolled yet. Oh, okay, okay. So then they were like, you still

have to fucking, you know, face consequence. But you get, you get caught twice, you're kicked out of school immediately. But then up there they were like, but, and it was lucky I was on the hockey team. They were like, technically you weren't enrolled yet. So you still have to fucking pay fines and do all kinds of, you know,

rehab shit. That's strict, though. Tolerates way more. I was just saying, that's two times is strict, I feel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a dry school. Oh, yeah. Dude, Florida State, man, I don't know how people graduate from that fucking school. I didn't know how I graduate. Like, my first week there, I was like, this might not be a permanent thing for me.

Like, I'm a freshman here. It's like, you drink every night. And I mean, that's a lot of college kids. There's always, like, people going hard. Yeah. And I remember I used to get so mad because our fraternies were getting trouble. And then looking back, it makes so much sense. I'm like, what?

We can't do Coke and throw TVs off the room? What kind of police state is this? Yeah, like, campus is ruined a Greek life. And you're like, oh, I was a little out of hand. There's a video of one for journey. They throw a TV and it like misses a girl by like a foot. Yeah. Like, that girl could have been dead.

Like, dude, I, oh, man, I fucking, I love that though. I love that like, I would visit Florida, Sydney. They'd be like, all right, so Monday we're going to go to this place. Tuesday, we got this place. And then after that, we got this place. And it's just like, and I love, like, the girl, I was a friend of mine from high school. And she was, like, tiny. She was like less than 100 pounds.

So she's like, she's drunk the whole day. Yeah. She's just barely eating and she's just hanging in there. And she's just like hooking up with all these different guys. And it's like, this is the best life ever. Oh, it's insane. Yeah. I never want to grow up.

Oh, no, it's nuts. And I haven't gotten to visit. I visited a couple weeks ago because it's like their campus like reached her community for COVID like very fast. Like it was like just because I went out of the bar there without and like nobody's wearing a mask. And I was like kind of worried. And I was like, wait. No, everybody here is already. This is actually a safe environment for me because of how unsafe it was like weeks ago.

But yeah, it's nuts. And the crazier are like the people that live there like seven years, like the Burke Kreacher. Like there are tons of people like that. Yeah. Like I knew a guy like that. And he would show up to a bar with like nine girls with him, all like insanely attractive. And then he's just like, I own school. I mean, hold on to it as long as you can.

Oh my God. I used to hear that the best place to pick up women in Florida State was Publix, the grocery store. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just full of Hawkeye's. Yeah, yeah. It's great. Oh, my God. That's what, do you ever think about, okay, so you're, you're young.

You ever think about this? Like maybe I'll just wait to get in my 50s and then start going out with like 20, 30 year olds. All the time. All the time. Because that's what I'm going to have. I used to judge it so much when I was like in my 20s. I'm like, these assholes, what are they doing? And then now you look at it.

You're like, I just get pussy. Yeah. I don't know if I'd wait like 50s to 20s, but I would very like, to me, girls that are like 28 are like adults. Yeah. So like when a girl that's like 28 is dating a guy that's like, you know, 38 to 40, I'm like, that's not that crazy. because she's like a full-grown adult. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like that scenario, I'm in.

Yeah, that makes so much sense to me. Dude, I mean, at Alexandro, his wife is... 15 years. 38. No. 15 years old. 15 years old. 15 years younger.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, I thought it was less. Well, he's like 50 and she's like 35, 38. Yeah, yeah. Something like that. He has a good bit about that where he's like, my wife is, me, my wife are 15 years apart. Yeah. She's 65.

Yeah. I'm not that progressive. Actually, do you know Marcus Monroe, the comedian? Martin Monroe? Well, Monroe, Martin, but Marcus Monroe is the jug. He juggled, and then now he's like a comedy seller comic. He's hilarious, but he, uh... You already told me he's juggling.

I'm on board. Yeah, no, he's amazing. He used to be, like, a professional juggler. Now he doesn't do it anymore because he's, like, focusing on stand-up. He put the, uh, what do you call him? What do those... There's a word for, like, the juggling toys. it's like a shape

they're like I put these away for life oh the pin not the pins they're like the uh balls but there's name for the balls it's like they're the

not the pentagrams that's the satanic thing keep going he hung him up but he actually is that scenario his wife is 15 years older than him really

yeah yeah I like I just open my phone and it's naked case and yeah I forgot I googled that that's a really bad thing to have in public People are like, I'm like, what?

Come on. It's also like, oh, you have naked, wait, you have naked Casey. Yeah, it's like you have Hitler's paintings. There you go. Casey Anthony porno on your TV series. Who lives here? And you're just like the calmest guy. Yeah, I just appreciate good art, you know?

Damn, man. Yeah, I think about that more and more. Just because, like, whenever you're, I think, like, if you're with, especially the older you get when you're with someone, chances are it's not just physical. Yeah. Right? It's like because you're just older and it's not, you know, just not as attractive as young people. So you're like, uh, so you're like really in love with this person.

Right. You know, where it's like, I want to stay as far away from that as possible. I just want it to be like strictly physical and like having a good time. Yeah. Not for sure. Not being intimate whatsoever. Well, it's also this weird thing where it's like me now dating a girl that's 22 seems almost more ridiculous than being like 45 dating a 22.

year olds because these 22 year old girls are still like in their party phase. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I feel, it feels more off, you know, like when I go up, but like a girl that's older, she's like, you know, good conversation, whatever. The gap minimizes the older you get. Even though the age gap is still there, the emotional gap is much smaller. For sure. So, yeah, that's one of those things.

But I mean, my roommate always makes those jokes that he's going to, because he's in finance and he's like, I'm retired at 40, marry like a 22 year old girl. Yeah. Yeah, I don't judge it at all I'm watching a lot of madmen, so Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the... He doesn't John Hamm apparently have a huge dick? Yeah, he's supposed to have a...

Really? What do you call? A hammer. Yeah, yeah. The hammer. Dude, he fucking... He's a good-looking guy, too. Yeah, he has a great look at. Yeah, he's a great look at.

Yeah. Really don't. Yeah, he just crushes it on that fucking show. Yeah, he's a good actor. Yeah. Did you see him on curb? No. Oh, he's actually pretty good on it.

Really? Well, Curb is actually pretty good on it. fantastic. You're not a fan or you're just I've never really watched it. Oh, it's good. That means you watch it

one time it wasn't a fan. I watched like some of it and it was like I need to, you know, I think you need to like sit down and it. You need a really good show.

I think so because there's like, it's one of those shows you could just pick up any episode but there are some that are like not as strong as the others. Sort of, but it's also like some are like some are like,

you know, elite television. Yeah. Yeah, so you gotta like get into it to the point where like you don't care if it's not the best episode

right. You know there's going to be another really good one, yeah. Yeah, just cast like a wide enough net. Dude, I love fucking, like, I think with Madman, it was that first episode was like, oh, this is a great TV episode. Like, if I stopped here, I'd be like, Madman is a great show. Right. Just because the first episode was great. Did you watch all of it?

I've been, I've been, like, I just started off season five. Oh, wow. So you're, I only watched the first season. It was good. I just felt like not much. Yeah, it's, you know what it is, man? I think, I thought about this. It's like this, the succession thing where it's like, now I'm just caring about rich people's problems.

Yeah, yeah. It's a little depressing. fucking that's how I felt like I remember when I was a kid the worst was watching Project X because like oh this is a cool movie then you're like I just want to be at that fucking party I know yeah yeah and now you're just like I never you know what I mean you're like god damn it that would be a fun party to be at and that's just I think I stood up when they fucking bat at the gnome and all this molly fool everywhere I was like oh my god that's that was always our high school that people would be like do Project X party

tonight and then like wouldn't obviously it wouldn't be there were some crazy ones but like nothing was yeah it was like a movie designed about the crazy I think that movie came out right after I dropped out of college and I was like, fuck! I want to go back. I literally, I only went to college because my family went there and I thought it

for a party. Like I was such a dumb person that I literally, in my brain I was like, this is going to be where the biggest parties are. I went to you, Maryland. And it wasn't even the best school I got into. It wasn't even the most money like a school gave me into. I was just like, this is the best combination of like good school with partying.

Yeah. And I got a one-nine my first semester. I didn't go to class at all. I just boarded. Fuck yeah. It was fucking sick. It was worth it, but I dropped out after I was like, why am I here? See, but how many students go to Maryland?

30,000. Yeah, it's huge. Yeah, it's huge. Yeah, FSU. My was 2,000. Really? Oh, wow, that's like a high school. Yeah.

That's what it felt like. What school again? Norwich University. Norwich, okay. Yeah, it's tiny. Nobody gives a shit. But it was a hockey. But, like, you do anything and everybody knows about it the next day.

So it's like you didn't have that, that, like, luxury. Yeah, nobody gives a fuck about you. Of just meeting. new people and like you again you meet someone new every fucking that's been with you. That's like the first day of fucking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because you're like oh okay so Kathy blew five guy. I'd be like, why do I give a

fuck? I don't know Kathy. So I'm one of the guys. I don't care. Why is this a conversation? Yeah. Because it's. Yeah. But I had one cool teacher. I'll shit talk Florida State University. I don't, I didn't learn anything. It was a great party. I learned nothing. I don't use my degree. I'm sure some people do. Some people are crushing it with it. But I mean, I also did creative writing.

I don't know what the fuck I thought was going to happen. But I had this one professor that's so cool because he was a stunt double for Patrick Swayze. But he taught poetry. So he had a handlebar mustache, slicked back hair. He was yoked and he's just like, I like poetry. But he was like, you guys, either show up to class or you don't. I don't really give a fuck. Do what you want to do.

But he wouldn't hold it against you. If he hadn't seen you in weeks, he'd be like, oh, hey, what's up, man? Good to see you. Yeah, yeah. But he'd always be cool about poems. You'd be like, this is a poem I wrote shit-faced. He's like, I drink so much. That's a Florida State teacher.

Yeah, but he had like this tough, rugged personality is teaching a poetry class. That's great. Compared to some other woman I had, the one woman I had is worse, apparently she's like a well-esteem poet or whatever. But she's like shot on some kid because he used the term deaf,

the phrase deaf ears. She's like, that's very offensive towards the deaf community. I have his son that's mentally challenged. And then she calls him on the phone one time and it's just making jokes about him. Like he's just like, she's like, he doesn't know what's going on here. And then we're like, you just made fun of your mentally challenged kid.

They got mad at some kid. And then a week later, she's like, yeah, you're pretty tone deaf about that. Like, you're doing the same day. Yeah, yeah. There's some teachers that I had that, like, especially if you're in business, that all they do is flex. You know, for the entire glass. They're like, I got a couple of Mercedes, you know, like, what are the graphs that you have? Yeah.

About this. This is insane. But it's so funny that the creative writing version of that is how hard your life is. They're like, yeah, my son's disabled. I was molested. It's just like that's their version of flexion. Finance people are like, I'm sure it's like, yeah, we got a sick fucking car. Oh, it just talks about all the places they've been and what they own.

And I'm like, who are you? We're like 19, bro. Yeah. Well, that's the most honest people with you getting into finance for why. Because you want fucking money. That's true. You know? That's true.

That's why. Yeah. What do you want money for to get fucking nice things. Yeah. A little fucking fat life. It is so funny. Like, both my roommates are in finance, but like the whole like game stop stuff's going on right now. And they're in the part of finance where it doesn't affect them so much.

But they're like, it's. electric. They're like, it's the most fun thing ever. Are they, like, are fucking hedge fund? I have a friend who who I think owns like a managed financial management company. He manages a hedge funds and then fucking, so it's important for me. He makes a lot of money. It's like, are those people

losing their fucking minds? I think if you're working for a hedge fund that, especially if you had a position in one of those things, then you're losing your mind. But I think if you're like a wealth manager, just like managing people's money and it doesn't affect them, then you're probably just like watching and like, you know, enjoying the story. The show, not like, fucked, right?

Some people got fucked, but then it's also like, Tim Dillon actually said it amazing, like said it so well on his podcast. Like all these billionaires that are on TV crying talking about how much they care. It's like, oh, they're crying because they care about people making money, the people who are making money. It's like, you pieces of shit. But I'm all for it. Apparently, my roommates were explaining, though, that whatever the Redditors did is illegal. Like, because everyone's like, oh, it's fucked up that like. But they were all like, like, like, uh.

Yeah, it's like market. manipulations, I guess, is not legal, but the argument, I guess, is like hedge funds do it all the time. So it's like, I get that. I get both sides, you know. Well, I get more of the sides of the I'm more, I stand with the Redditors. Yeah. I think it's just funny that a bunch of nerds they're like, we're going to fucking inflate this stock. It's always done it's fucking working. It's also the funniest stocks, too. It's GameStop, AMC. And apparently they're trying to boost Blockbuster. Right. That's going to be so funny to see the log of their page, though, because there's this like crazy Reddit thing where they're like changing the world.

And then right before that, it's them just asking, what porn star was this? You know what I mean? When you go to their feed, it's got to be so weird because it's like... I went to. It's absurd. Yeah, well, one of them got like... Didn't somebody get like just millions of dollars? The owner of that thread probably is pretty wealthy because he's...

When you need enough to invest in, though? So like, I heard some of these people actually had some money because... Oh, I'm sure. I mean, I think because that thread is for like a lot of investment advice and stuff. So I think there are some people on there that are like pretty savvy. Probably some tech people with a lot of money, you know. But just like check it on occasion just to see if anything's going on. Yeah, or just like got swept up in it, but they had money.

I mean, these tech people honestly have all, they're the ones that really control the world. Like they got more resources than these hedge fund guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's people in the tech world that have like millions that you, that are just like Joe Schmo living, probably lives next door. You know, like some engineer that has like $3 million. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, I think it's so funny, like, that these fucking, again, like, Reditors are getting fucking loaded. And then, like, imagine seeing, like, those guys in, like, the same country club as, like, the hedge funders. Just got me like a ponytail tail, like a bad guy with a pony shorts. Yeah. It's like, hey, look, it's Bryce again. Yeah. What's all Mr. Collingsworth? I fucking love that, man.

You just get arguments about they're like, sure, you can't bring a Samaraj to order to the other country club. He's like, why? I don't see it. It's causing, like, the dumbest issues. Flying drones over the 18th hole. Yeah. But I hate to cut you off. It is getting to be that time.

Where could they find you, Jake? I'm on Instagram. Jake underscore Velazquez, V-E-L-A-Z, Q-U-E-Z. Perfect. And you, Igor? Iggy Small's jokes on Instagram and Twitter. Hell yeah. Thank you guys.