Morning Good - Don't Be a Bitch - Episode 46

Episode Date: October 10, 2021

Thanks again to Eli and Alan for coming on the show. To fire them or get them fired please navigate to their social media links below. You can find Charlie Dawson on Instagram @eli_haba, and to find Alan Fitzgerald anywhere online just Google "Fuck City USA" As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichael

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. Two and one. All right, there we are. Oh, yeah, there we are. We're here with Eli Haba. Yeah. And Alan Fitzgerald.

Good evening. It's 2 o'clock on a Saturday, but... 2.30, yeah, yeah. I've been up since 3. Really? Yeah, I have a drug problem. I feel like at 3 is like an early time to go sleep for a drug problem. No, you wake up at 3.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. He's like an early bird. Early bird. So you passed out from doing drugs all day, and then you woke up at 3. No, he goes to bed at 7 p.m. reasonable hour. Yeah, it's just because he's fucked up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yes. Both you guys are separate, or do you smoke now, or? You're sober? I'm kind of. Oh, okay. I smoke, like, a little bit of weed, and I eat, I mostly eat edibles. Oh, okay. Like, that's, that's as crazy as I get.

But you don't drink? No. I didn't know that about you. I do seem like a drinker, don't I? Oh, yeah. You look like one, yeah. It's the whole thing about you, like, the way you look, being from Boston, everything. Yeah, Irish.

That's a great way to call somebody fat. Yeah. Well, yeah, I think we'll be also from Boston. People would just assume everybody drinks all the time there. Oh, yeah. They do. Yeah. Yeah.

I wonder what the drunkest city is. That's probably like New Orleans or something. It's actually Massachusetts is the drunkest state. Really? Yeah. How do they measure that? By how much people drink. Okay, that's an interesting way to do it.

But they do it as like units of alcohol solved divided by like the amount of people or something, right? Yes. Okay. That's interesting because the best way to measure. Not like population of the battered women's shelters? No. That's the other good way. No.

I said who drinks the most, not who does less. At least housework. Two three different things. Man, I wonder why I got fired for his podcast. I don't know. Just send them this episode. I don't see what the problem is. This episode's called Don't Be a Bitch.

There you go. It's dedicated to you. Was it a woman who fired you or a man? A woman. You didn't even tell me that, but just when you were telling me the story, I was like, I picture a woman. Yeah, yeah. Well, no guys are going to be like this didn't align with our company image.

Yeah, exactly. I think a guy might have to do that, but I don't think he's going to want to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a woman fired. What is the company image? What does the company even do? I don't know. I don't want to talk about it too much because I already talked about the last episode.

Okay. But somebody I was fired yesterday and I've recorded two episodes just talking about how I got fired already. Because they're like, yeah, make sure you don't, like, I mean, to be fair, I talked about my job on the podcast a lot. So I feel like that could have been what it was. They would have said that, though. They would have like, hey, because that's much more excusable. Like, that's, like, if they were like, hey, you, if they were like, hey, you actually you talk about us in the podcast, we can't have that.

Yeah, that's true. That's like a legitimate reason to fire someone. Yeah, of course. If you're just like, eh, I didn't like it. Like, that makes you sound like a fan. It's also possibly my stand-up. Yeah, yeah. It's also possible my stand-up, because I do have a clip of my stand-up online. It's possibly listening to that, but I should assume it was a podcast because that's all it's on my Instagram. Right. I think they would have gone that around.

Yeah, I got, dude, it's tough because you have to put shit out if you're stand-up coming. You have to put shit out online. Yeah. line. Yeah, you have to. Yeah. Do you? Yeah, I mean, I do it less than anyone else, but more because I'm lazy than anything else. Yeah, for me, it's a lazy thing. Yeah, but you have to put at least something out. Yeah, like, clips, but I can't figure out how to put the captions on them. I'm going to, like, on my day off work, I'm going to figure this out, and it's just spent months and I haven't done it. Well, the worst is like, the problem with the, you have to put

the wording after you say the punchline, and, like, you have to time it correctly, because if you just have it line up, people read the punchline before it. Yeah, of course. So that's a good problem when people watch stand up, like a special with subtitles. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's horrible, yeah. Oh, yeah. But I don't know how it's supposed to understand what Ronnie Chang is saying. Exactly. Yeah.

Otherwise, we're just letting me to, like, make our presumptions. Yeah. He's saying something about math and karate. That's what it is, yeah. Something about how he hates forks. I don't really know. Is that, oh, because he's chopsticks. Yeah, he's chopsticks.

No, he's very funny, but, yeah. He is hilarious. Yeah. His accent It's not even that. It's somewhat thick. No, no, no. It's not like as thick as a Chinese person's accent could be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're exaggerating for the sake of comedy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just explain what is going on. Sometimes you have to. You might get fired if you don't, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, I get it. Okay. Dude, we just didn't understand the joke. That's really funny, actually. Good stuff. You want to keep working here. We just couldn't understand Ronnie Chang.

Yeah. So we assume it's racist. Yeah. Well, let's say interesting thing is you could do somebody else's. When you speak in other language, you're supposed to do their accent. Yeah. That's like how it works. But you're not supposed to do it when you're speaking your language. Yes.

And you can also do an accent if you nail the accent. But the only way you get good at an accent is doing it. So you have to constantly do offensive accents until it's not offensive. And you have to do them around people so they can tell you you're not doing it right. Exactly. You can't just do it in a vacuum. I have to do the Chinese accent at Chinese people. Right.

So they can understand. Because I can only do it. to Jake so many times before it just gets old. And it's inaccurate. And they'll tell you that's not what they sound like. Yeah. Oh, hello, please. Yeah.

That was very like, yeah. It sounds like penguin almost. From Batman. Yeah. Or a Chinese penguin. Yeah. Bata, no, I don't know. I think some, I think some people just don't like it because they have the funniest accents.

I think that's what it comes down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But nobody minds if you're doing like British accent. Yeah. Of course not. I think he's in a, what's his name playing Mario? Who? Idris Elba?

No, Chris Pratt's playing Mario or stuff like that. He's not British. No, but he's... Oh, he's gonna do an Italian accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, got you. I didn't even know they were making a Mario movie. What if he just comes into, like, set with, like, it's like a cartoon, but what if he comes in still dressed, like, like, fucking wifebeater and, like, just eating like a greasy fucking something. I don't know what.

You're supposed to dress like Mario. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what he said to he said, Mario. I think he said Mario. Yeah, they say, they say, they say, they say, they say, they say, they say, Mario, right? Mario. Mario. No, he says that,

but real Italian say Mario. Mario, okay. Yeah, they might say Mario. I don't know. I have an Italian brain and goes,

Mario. Isn't some very Italian? He's a Florida Italian? No, he's from Chicago. He's listening to Mario. Okay, well, that's kind of an accent thing, though.

Yeah, like Midwestern Italian. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, that's probably where that is from, yeah. Yeah, you guys know the actor, Dennis Farina? Yeah, I love Dennis Farina.

Yeah, he's great. Yeah, that's sad, That's how he talks. Mario, he's got that Chicago accent. Dude, I just realized... He almost sounds like he could be, like, Jewish or something, too. I just realized... He just got, like, a metropolitan thing going on.

He looks... He could be Jewish. I think he's a silver hair. Yeah. He looks very Miami, even though he's a Chicago guy. Yeah, well, that is also a Jewish thing. Like, Miami is a lot of Jewish people. There's a lot of Jewish Guido's in Miami, which is interesting.

Really? Half Jew, half Italian? No, they just adopted Italian cults. Yeah, yeah. So it's like Jews and Hispanics in Miami just think they're Italian. New Jersey. Interesting. It's like 100%

a thing. Because a lot of the Jews down there are like from New Jersey. Yeah, yeah. Like they leave from New York, New Jersey, the whole Tri-State area. They go there.

Yeah, yeah. And they, yeah, no, it is like a thing. Like, you'll see like, I mean, it's mostly like tight fit. It's not like classic, classic weed, but it's very like tight, just the tightest fucking shirts,

just super yoked. Andrew Dice Clay did that. He's a Jew, but he walks around like an Italian. Yeah. What was his real name? Andrew Silverstein? Was it? I don't know.

Was it really? Andrew Silverstein. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. I'm a Jew from Brooklyn. Hey. Hey. It is a crowd.

I mean, there are so many Jewish people look Italian. There's so many Italian. There's an overlap between the cultures. 100%. We were in the pair of the other day and that woman was on stage and I was, yeah, I was talking to you about it where she had like that lisp a little bit. Oh, yeah. It's a really common Jewish, especially Jewish woman Lisp.

Yeah. It's like something about being from this area and the way they talk. Like you can hear them saying, you're like, oh, you're Jewish. And then she's something. said something about being Italian. And I was like, I just, you just pick one. Well, you're also,

you're Jewish and you look Italian. Yep. You could totally be Italian. When I was in high school, I'd like, there was a lot of a, I'm from like the area where the Sopranos is from.

Oh, nice. In New Jersey. And so there's a lot of Italians there. People always thought it was Italian. Yeah, that's funny. I like see you just get like brought into a game. They're like,

you just like us, Eli. And like just for years, you don't tell them. I don't show him my dick. Until I see, they're like, yo, he circumcised. Fucking get him.

Hey, yo, we need you to commit a crime on Saturday. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I don't know if I can. That's how I got found out. That's how it happened? Yeah. You know, I can't even turn the oven on.

How happy do you think immigrants are that, like, there's probably some, like, my family's like Italian and Irish. They have to be so happy that they came to America before the borders got closed. Imagine thinking about that right now. You're like, oh, I literally got here. It's like, that's just when we migrated. Like, people from Haiti could have migrated. Yeah, 50 years ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They did. There are Haitians here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's also funny, like, when immigrants, because I mean, fucking everyone in this country is an immigrant if you go back far enough, right? Yeah. True enough, anywhere else, but mostly, most recently here.

Yeah. And then, like, you'll even have, like, first generation immigrant. Like, my dad isn't from here, and he's, like, so xenophobic. He's like, no, we can't let anybody in. Yeah, we just got here. Yeah, yeah. We barely made it, but closed. Yeah.

Well, it's funny, too, because it's, Like, I, uh, I did a mission trip to Haiti a couple years ago. And clearly, it didn't work. Like, in my mind, after everything, go out of the border, I'm like, Mormon? No, I just brought shoes there when I was, like, in high school. They still call it mission? I thought that it was, like, an exclusively Mormon thing.

Um, no, a lot of Christians do missions like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I did it for my Eagle Scout project. Because, like, as the Eagle Scout, you got to do a big project. I was like, I'll bring shoes to Haiti.

And, uh, I didn't know. Like, literally it was, like, the most, like, I was there for three days. I delivered some shoes and I got the fuck out of there. This is fucking old. Yeah. It was, dude,

that place is terrifying. Not like, I don't even have water. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, it was bad.

They, it's crazy because you see houses just made out of like full garbage. Very, like, creative, but. Yeah,

I've, yeah, I've taken a bus tour from the, uh, resort before. Yeah. It's a,

it's, an architectural tour of Haiti. It's so it takes you away from what the beauty you have, like, you're just on the beach. You've already paid for all your drinks, so you're drinking the most expensive shit there is.

It doesn't matter. Eating fucking huge platters every day. And you just drive a mile, half a mile out. And people are literally under sheet metal shivering. Yeah, yeah. It's fucking crazy. That's part of the... Yeah, I know what it's raining.

Well, that's part of... That's part of they emphasize, it's supposed to emphasize how nice the resort is. They purposely put horrible houses outside of it. So you look at it. That's not true. Yeah. Comparatively.

Yeah, this place is sick. This is huge. It's actually a tiny resort and it's garbage. You're staying at like a motel eight, but they just put all the homeless people outside. Right side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy.

Yeah. Well, they're not really homeless. They build their own homes there. See, that's the homeless people here need to get. Build a house out of sheet metal. Yeah. Figure it out. That's like Central Park used to be like a whole like shanty town.

Yeah, I saw Home Alone too. That's the only time I know that. People knock that over now. The government says, no. It's ugly. Yeah, yeah. I'm not in Los Angeles. Oh, that's crazy.

I've been to Skid Row. It's nuts. I mean, I drove past it. Yeah, it's crazy. Well, that's all you're going to do there. You're not going to, like, go fucking hang out in Skid Row. Why not? Fucking party.

Is it called Skid Row because, like, it's the skid mark of... Like, I'm not making a joke. Is that actually where the name came from? I have no idea. Yeah, I don't know either. I just know the band was named after it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Skidmark.

There was a guy who made Little House. That sounds like a Skid Row. I know it's a Skidmark. like it's a mark of skid, but it sounds like a guy's nickname who shit his pants. Like Skid Mark. Seems like Mark something.

There was a guy who actually made little houses for the homeless in in, uh, in, wasn't there too small for him? He puts all this effort in and they can't even... No, like little figurine houses. Yeah.

Like a zoo lander. Like in a snow globe. It would be like, something for you to like think about. No, no, he made actual houses. Yeah. But they were tiny. And the government said they were in the way of shit

and they were clogging up the, like the sidewalks and everything. Oh, so they're just like more like durable structures for them to sleep in on the street. Yes, and they got a lock, they had a lock and a window, and they had a little solar power and a light. It was kind of nice, but, uh... It's a nice humanitarian thing, but you're not like solving the problem.

You're kind of solving the problem. Yeah. You're just making them technically homeless. Yeah, you have to live there all the time now. What do you mean making them live there all the time? well, you're giving them, like, you're legitimizing what they're doing. Yeah, but when has, okay, I will say this, when has a homeless guy just randomly been like, you know what, I do need to get it together.

You know, it's like they're not, I mean, maybe it happens. I'm going to go back to work today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you know what? That one guy didn't give me $5. Now I'm just, I get what you're saying because I don't give homeless people money because I'm like, I mean, I occasionally do it. But in my mind, I'm like, okay, I'm going to give him money and then he's going to spend it on drugs.

But like, that's the thing is like, I, I mean, not like, in my mind I'm not like if I stop giving him money, he's going to stop doing drugs. He still, he'll just start stealing and then do drugs that way or something like that. So it's like, I don't give him money because I'm like he's going to get it from somebody else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have the money to give him, but like, it's not like he's not going to get money

today. Yeah. It's probably going to make 50 bucks today. Yeah, yeah. And I literally just got fired. It's so funny because last week, I almost be last for money. I'm like, I just got fired. I've been saying that. I actually got fired. I'm like, that's fair. Mm-hmm. A little best of it. Paid back, yeah. I just say, no cash. I don't carry cash on me.

Well, things I only get paid in cash for the comedy stuff. So it's like... I thought you're going to say for your last job. No, no, no, no, no. I think they did things like that. No, not for a receptionist, yeah. Just throw a stack on my day. It's like every day they give you an envelope with like $100 in it.

Yeah, yeah, dude, looking back on it, you should have known it was a wool company if they hired a man as a receptionist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that should have been the immediate. You should have known right away. When I was telling, I told Kenny that story last night, and I was like, yeah, Michael Good got fired. He was a receptionist. he looked at me like, I don't know Michael Goode was gay.

Yeah, exactly. You should have known right away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I should just kneel in that. Be like, you guys are going to fire a gay man? Is it because of my podcast? They're like, oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, not allowed to do that.

That's illegal. It's illegal to fire gay men in America. I'm sorry, gay man's nothing anymore. You have to say you're trans. Yeah. I'm a trans. So I'm trans gay. That means I'm a lesbian.

If you're a trans man, I think it means you would be a woman. Yeah, yeah. You're a man. That was a funny. I already told us about it. That's a funny concept to me. It's like a guy. I mean, it's really sad.

But like somebody who comes, not being trans, but like, somebody who comes out to their parents is gay. And then they find out their translator. So they're like, I'm gay. The dad's like, I don't accept that. He's like, and then finally he's like, okay, it's okay, you're being gay. And they come back, he's like, I'm actually not gay. Right. I'm straight.

I'm just a woman. He's like, fuck. Well, that's like, what's it called? Iran, you can't, gay marriage is illegal. Yeah. So you can. Russia, too. Yeah, you can transition, though, in Iran.

Instead of the most transgender surgeries, a gay Iranian guy told me this, I'm not sure if it's true. Wait. Yeah, so Iran has the most transgender surgeries because gay men can just transition to a woman and so no longer gay. Get the heck out.

Yeah. How, like, much of a transition? Yeah, they're just going to your house and they check for penis or vagina. Right. Yeah. I feel like you just wear a burqa. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then you get a boner and then it kind of like, it'd be a little noticeable. But that is a funny idea of them going into the house. They're like, dude, your wife, no, that's a guy. We got to get out of here. But you guys got to leave, both jail. It's not as funny as I thought it was going to be. No, that's all right.

It can't be gay in Russia either. Really? Yeah, Russia's, yeah. They're strangely homophobic. Yeah. Like, I mean, I guess, you know, I guess they're behind the times and everything. But it's pretty shocking how homophobic they really are. Yeah.

They hate gays. Yeah, they really hate gays a lot. It's like a huge part of their culture. Dang. Yeah. in Russia. In Russia, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it is like, you do think that more like, what do you call it, not masculine,

but you get what I'm saying, like traditional masculine culture. They're pretty masculine. That's what I'm saying, yeah. So that's probably why it's like. Some of the gay ones are probably pretty masculine, too. Oh, but they're more masculine than most of the straight guys here. Well, nothing is more manly than two men having sex. That is just factual.

I mean, there's a lot of grunting. Yeah, exactly. Double the grunting. Yeah, yeah. A lot of muscle. A lot of muscle, yeah. Muscles everywhere, yeah. It's way more manly than having sex with a late.

like a bitch. Yeah. Having sex with women's fucking gay. Very much so. Yeah. I mean, you kind of are, in theory, fighting a woman is a pussy thing to do, so having sex with one is also kind of a pussy thing.

They're going to say sex with a woman is, in theory, fighting a woman. No, no. Every time I have sex, I fight. I have to fight them together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, in theory, yeah, that's what I believe. And I stand by those beliefs. I think you should just, like, crystallize

all of this down and send it to your former balls. Just get the worst clips who say, I don't even know it's wrong. Just literally clip together the most defensive things set on my podcast. Just send it all in one thing. They'd be like, point to me

one thing in this. Just tell me one thing you have a problem with. And I'll leave. They're like every single thing. You know what? You should do that just so they have to listen to it. Just so they have to listen to it. Yeah, that is funny. Well, the craziest of those stories you hear, like,

I heard somebody got caught with like sending like sexual videos at their high school. And then they brought... This is one of your cutworkers? No, this is like... I heard one guy at a party say this. I don't know if it's legit. We probably not legit.

Just by the way... The same guy who told you about Iranian... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was probably not legit. But this... We went to... He told me that, like, at his high school, this girl had a video of her, like, fingering herself.

And then the high school found out and they, like, brought the parents in. And, like, this is the... I'm like, why would they show them? There's no way they were just sitting there. Like, there's your daughter fingering herself. You got to watch it to make sure it's her. That's what they say they're like, you have to make sure it's her.

It's like, what's it? What's it? Yep, that's her pussy. I don't know. Get her in here, have her do it. And then we'll compare. What's that what we'll do? What's that what's that?

What's that? Put two on top of two. Is that what they say? It'll be even worse if they were like, all right, all right. We need you to tell us that this is your daughter. And the daughter just shows up in the room. That's all the video is so far. He goes, yes, yes, that's my dad.

He goes, shh. That's not the part. We'll let you know when we need you start. Yeah. This is my favorite part. That's awesome. Yeah, I, uh, I don't know, my school is weird. I, uh, I asked out the receptionist at our school.

Like, last day of school, she was like this hot, like... Is schooled a receptionist? Yeah, like a front desk person. How rich did you grow up? It was a public school. Oh, this is a joke. He, like, shitting on me because my parents had money. Have you ever seen a picture of the house you grew up in?

It's not giant. It's like a fucking estate, dude. It's not, he keeps fucking... It's got like pillars going from the ground up to the top. I could see good coming from money. I definitely could. Yeah. Okay, my parents have money, but it's not like,

it's a lot. Yeah, it's not high seven figures. It's like just into like low double digit seven figures. I don't know how much it is, to be honest, but that's what you and T.J. DJ keeps the inside joke that my parents are rich, but they kind of are. DJ is also from like a really nice area. Oh, is it really? Yeah.

We got shot in the leg, I assumed he was white trash. He got shot in the leg? By himself, yeah. I was about to say, that could just be him being a jerk. It's got nothing new with money. That's true, yeah. He just shot himself, yeah. It was like somebody put a gun down on a bed and it went off and shot him in the leg.

Really? Yeah. Which is the lamest way to fucking... Yeah. Didn't even deserve it. No, yeah. That's like a commercial. But how much you bet that guy, where that guy just becomes like, just acts like he's like tough?

He's like, I shot a motherfucker. Exactly. He always said, he'd be like, yo, I shot someone once before. shoot someone again. Why'd you shoot him? They came out of a room I didn't like. Gravity mostly. Yeah.

Well, the craziest, there's a fraternity at Florida State where the guy, I may be saying this wrong, but he showed off his gun at a party and it went off, went through the wall, killed his girlfriend's twin sister, or killed, yeah, killed his girlfriend's, I think he either kills his girlfriend's, no, he killed his girlfriend's twin sister. That's why you have two. Yeah, exactly. But he's in jail for like 15 or 20 years or something like that. 15 for an accident?

Dude, that's my thing. It's like nobody does something like that. And then they're like, I don't think anybody does something like that. And they're like, okay, well, I might do it again if I was only in for four years. You know what I mean? Like you learn your lesson when you kill somebody by that. I think so. If you like murder somebody, then yeah, you should go to jail for a long time.

100%. You like murder someone. If you rape someone, if you go and like you do this act. But if you accidentally kill somebody, like, is it really going to be beneficial for you to go to jail for fucking 15 years? It's the victim's whiny family is you. Right. How could they even want you to go to that doesn't make it better. It was a fucking accident. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I think you just hate the person. Yeah, of course. Yeah, because there's not, that's what people say like I know.

It's like Florida. So they hate the person, but they're still pro gun. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the gun was great. Yeah. Yeah. The problem with the gun been actually. I love Smith and Wesson. It's not them. It's this drunk idiot. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's that's why. Also, it's not a problem who sold him the gun either. No, yeah, exactly. Nothing to do with his right. When he gets out of jail, he should have another gun. Yeah. if he learns his lesson. Guy got an M16 from the town fair.

No, it's fine. It's fine. I sold it to him. There's a fight by two is the like, like, if there's a lot of drunk driving actions like that, and they're like, no, he's going to go to jail because they're like, a life for a life. Like, that doesn't make, then kill the guy.

Don't put him in jail. Like, that doesn't make, it doesn't add up. Make the family kill him. Yeah, yeah, that'd be fun. Some people. Oh, if I was the dad, be like, no, no, no, no, no. No, just we'll invite him on a hunting trip. And then just like the same thing happens.

Here's the thing Some people like, it was getting ridiculous There are people like 7, 8 D-E-Ys Oh yeah, yeah Dude, I know people, I know my buddy has like three And he like, try to drive drunk with time Like, you don't have a license If you get, yeah, don't you get, if you get

If you get one, you lose your license for like six months or something, right? Yes. And then if you get a second one, don't you lose your license for like four years? Yeah, yeah, he doesn't have a license for like the longest time Yeah, I guess they can't stop you from physically driving. It's like a weird thing where someone's like addicted at drunk driving now. Oh, people love it.

Like it's like, dude. I used to do it. all the time. It's very fun. Yeah. You fucking play, your music comes on the radio. You're like, fuck, yes. You're speeding. I've never done it, but it seems in theory like it would kick ass. Oh, yeah, dude. You're just fucking smoking cigarettes. It's a car. It's not even your car. Yeah. You don't give a fuck.

Well, the only time I did it was that, did you steal the car? You were drunk drunk drunk. It was not even your car. I used to like, well, because I stopped drinking young. And so like every car I would drunk drive was you like my parents car or my friends. Oh, yeah, yeah. I used to like. When did you stop drinking? What age? I stopped drinking for the first time. when I was like 17 or 18. Oh shit. And then I stopped for a couple years.

And then I started again. And then I stopped drinking right before I turned 21. Oh, that's good. You got your shit together early. Yeah, yeah. Was it as bad the second time? Or did you... Way worse.

Really? Yeah. Because I stopped young. I didn't really have a problem with drinking when I was young. I mean, I drank a lot and I drank problem out, but it was mostly drugs. That was like what I was doing all the time. And then, so I stopped. And I was never like sold.

I just stopped because, like, I was, I kept like getting fucking in trouble. Yeah. You know? I was like, kept getting arrested, whatever. And so I stopped for like couple years. And then I was like,

to fuck this, dude. And I started again. And I was like, never even really liked drinking that much. And I just like started drink and just did not stop drinking for like five months. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. It was pretty much every single day. And like nearly around the clock. And I was like 20. I'm like fucking drinking like I've been drinking for 15 years and never even liked it. But yeah, then I. That's also the hard part about young age because like you don't know because everybody's

drinking so much. You don't know what's a problem. You see parties and you see movies and whatever. And they're like, oh, okay, yeah. So I see this like American Pie thing. What's the problem if I'm doing that every day? Yeah, American Pie is awesome. American Pie every day.

But I think that's also like that is what everybody's doing when they're younger. It's like once you get to be like, if you meet somebody who's like 25 and they're still like partying like that, it's like, all right. Yeah. Yeah. I stopped at 30. Yeah, a little bit of a difference. I stopped. Actually, no, I stopped.

Still fucking young, though. I mean, I see like people in AA didn't stop to like 60. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're not all there too either. Yeah, they got wet brain. They're fucking kids. What's wet brain? Wet brain is like, uh, what can have?

Sounds like a slur for like kids. Slur for an alcoholic. I've heard people say call waterheads, people that are like mentally challenged. Really? Yeah. I've never heard that one before. That's like a. He has rich slurs.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wet brains when you, you drink so much for so long, that you give yourself permanent brain damage. Yeah. Dang. You got the mind of, like, in some cases, like an 8-year-old.

It's a 65-year-old guy's body. It's the saddest thing ever. But some people don't get that. Because some people are like, like, talented, like, screenwriters or, like, alcohol. It used to be way more common, like, 70 years ago. Because it used to be, like, before, like, A.A. came around, like, the odds of somebody, like, getting sober when there wasn't, like, a program of people doing it. If there's no chance. They would die.

They just drink themselves to death. Doctors literally just told you you were like a jerk basically. They don't have any morals. Get the fuck out of the world. Look at your fucking wife is so pretty. How could you drink like this? Yeah, yeah. But they used to like, you'd like go to jail for killing somebody accidentally.

You would die or they used to like sanitariums used to be filled with people that were alcoholically insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People that were just retarded from drinking too much having wet brain or people that were just like, if they put them outside, they'll drink. So, oh, you must be fucking crazy. Oh, that's nuts. That's why they started calling it a mental illness. Yeah. Well, that's the thing people used to go on.

undercover in like a psych wards like and just like expose the stuff but people don't do that for other things like nobody would go and pretend to be mentally challenged like a school or like an orphanage for them and he's like yo what they're doing in here is immoral we just figure like for some reason we just figure

they're doing the right thing yeah yeah because everybody's no one wants to deal with it yeah nobody wants to be in like just fucking if they're willing to show up every day and like wipe these kids asses then whatever they want to do them on the side is fine yeah get punched in the by someone dressed like Batman.

I don't think he was... I don't know the difference between autistic and other funds of mental retardation. What happens, most people who are mentally challenged which isn't the correct term either. Right. I should say retardate. Because it's not...

Right. It's intellectually disabled. Yeah. Intellectually disabled? Would we just make it a bigger word so they don't understand? Yeah. What's wrong with mentally challenged?

Because people say like, I don't know. I don't know. But anyways, the whole thing was that like you... most of, so there's that, so there's Down syndrome, stuff like that. And there's autism.

Autism's like a lack of social awareness. So what happens is people with autism or on the autistic spectrum, they can be at any level of intelligence. But people that are mentally challenged often also have autism. So it's like people with like other mental disabilities. Because it's-square is erecting.

Right. So like, what's it called like, not to catch you out, but like there are intellectual disabilities, which are your brain IQ is low. But then there are people who are autistic that are very smart. Right.

But as I said, so there are people that are intellectually disabled. But they don't understand social. Right. So you could be a savon. Because, like, there are people that are like, yeah, there are people that are autistic, but it's so mild where you're just like, oh, the person's fucking weird as shit. Yeah, Elon Musk is autistic. Yeah, they're weird as shit to be around, but they can work whatever.

But, like, there was a kid that lived up my street when I was growing up, who he was, he was autistic was like the word they used, but it was so severe that, like, he lives in a home now. Even though he's like, he's probably like four years younger than me, he lives, he has to have professional care all the time. Because like you're saying punch him in the dick. Like we used to go over there.

He would just fucking jump on you and bite you. Like so fucking hard. It would be like lucky if he didn't draw blood. Yeah. You'd just attack everybody all the time. And like you'd just like throw him off and throw him onto the ground and like push him around. And that was like just part of him hanging out. But like yeah.

He would just bite you? Bite so. Were you dressed up as a crayon? Yeah. It was like kept stealing his puzzle pieces. Yeah. Like leaving. Yeah.

You know, that's like. Yeah. That's like. Yeah. I don't know. I don't have anything with that. I'll say that all that up. Yeah, that's the thing with that.

I get so hype to say things that I don't know what I'm saying. You were going to say something. I feel bad. I was just to say most autistic people actually have a higher than average IQ. Yes, yes. But IQ doesn't mean

fucking anything. I disagree. Yeah. Well, it's a sliding scale. So like... Most people have Down syndrome have the IQ of like a 13 year old. Or no, sorry,

I think like 10 year old or something like that. So by definition, but if you're IQ is certain low, I don't think you have... But there's nothing. like really concrete about IQ like your IQ rating it's based on average intelligence yeah so the way

that they do that scale is that IQ of 100 that's what average intelligence is right and then so if you're saying somebody has an IQ of 70 well then you're like some whatever 30 30 means 30% I guess below average intelligence yeah there's so many fucking morons that you talk to

oh 100% yeah it doesn't it doesn't really mean anything I don't think also people are intelligent in different ways they told me mine was 88 so I'm like I don't know it doesn't mean shit, you know? Yeah. 80. Just because it was

low, you're like, yeah, this is fucking stupid. Yeah, this test is fucking dumb. Yeah. No, if you were 88, it would be much more laboring to talk to you. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't that forced gum? Wasn't it around there? I have no idea. I think it was a 70. 78.

70 is, I thought, Down syndrome was what they usually said. But he didn't have Down syndrome. Well, no, because down syndrome is like a specific disorder because they looked at it. Like, they have like a different, like it's like a specific thing.

Well, they have a way that they look. They have, mentally retarded in one way or another. Yeah, yeah. In fact, I think it's 82. If your IQ is 83, you can be in the military, but if it's 82, it's a cutoff. It should be ridiculous, dude. That is ridiculous.

And it's not even like you could have, like, 83, you could have certain jobs in the military. Like, you could fucking, you know, work in the kitchen or something. And so, no, 83, you could be a fucking colonel. Yeah. But there's actually, like, a lot of science that went into it, I guess, where they just said, no, 82's the cutoff. 83 it's possible he could peel potatoes 82 this dude is fucking usually he's just gonna fuck up more than he

yeah they're very like all hands on deck like for any they're like yeah if we can get people in here we could have them do it's a meat grinder yeah but I mean 82 that's their cutoff that's hilarious that's nuts yeah but like I think you got a shot Eli you'll be fine yeah it'll be good I think the point I was trying to make those like people with like but people who have Down syndrome

often don't have good social so like they also have a form of autism How could they have social skills? How could they have just like, oh, he's down syndrome, he has an IQ of like 63, but you should see him light up a party. Yeah, he's got shades on and nobody knows his eyes for their part. You just can't tell. He's got game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He fucks non-retarded bitches all the time just because of his social skills.

Yeah, yeah, he tears it up. That is, I mean, I do have friends that are like that drunk all the time, that they're at that level of intelligence. So in theory, you could. Right. like, would that be considered taking advantage if a retarded guy had sex with a wasted girl at a party? Oh, that's fucking, that's, oh. Because they're playing with the same amount of cards in the deck, you know? Well, it's like, I remember when I was like younger, it's like, we, you have to get them on the stand.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, my thing, too, is like, I did what I did. I don't feel bad about it. Yeah, fuck that bitch. I get pussy. it's never not going to be funny to me it's never not going to be funny I'm sorry going back to like doing accents

that's the funniest it's just so funny we try to dodge it all the time right we're like oh forrest comp isn't us laughing and it's just it is funny to people with somebody's less intelligent it is if you're laughing at that movie you were laughing at him yeah you're laughing at the situations

he's finding himself in the only reason it's funny is because he's retarded yeah but you're not you're not going like oh fuck this guy he's a dumb piece of shit no you're like you love love him. You're on his side the entire time. Exactly, yeah. You're just like he's less intelligent. I love that about him.

Like you can love, just because you find something funny doesn't mean you think it's like nothing. Unless he commits state rape, then you're not on his side. No, exactly. Yeah, that's where... I did what I do. Also, ignorance is super funny too. Yeah, yeah, like in theory. All the shit that we get in trouble for laughing at is, uh, is like it's

ignorant. Pure evil can be funny sometimes too, like just being... What else are you going to do with pure evil? Yeah. Like, are you going to let it ruin your day all the time or are you just going to laugh at it. Kim Jong-un shoots people with rocket launchers. That's so ridiculous. He's sick to pack a dog on his uncle

and then someone was telling me he got rid of all the dogs in the house. Yeah, yeah. He like killed all the dogs in North Korea. Just like Mussolini used to force feed people castor oil till they literally died of diarrhea. It's ridiculous. That's like a fucking playground joke. Like you're going to die of diarrhea.

What are you talking about? I can make it happen. He used to do it by the hundreds. I just realized my boxers are in the frame. Yeah, no, it's just funny, and there's no way around that being... And they try dodging it. Every movie, we're going to pretend Groot. We're not just laughing in him because he's just a dumb tree person. Like, suicide squad, they had a shark guy that was Sylvester Stallone. Totally retarded.

That was the whole character. I thought it was Ben Diesel. Also, Jeff Dunham's got like a puppet that's retarded. Well, Jeff Dunham can do whatever the fuck he wants. He can have a racist puppet. You could have a retarded puppet. He used to have one with the nail on its head. I think he stopped.

Yeah. that's a dude that fucking figured it out, man. He found his fucking. He's been for the last, what, 20 years, one of the top earning comedians. He will work forever. He does his fucking thing. He cannot get canceled.

Because even if you're like, oh, this is racist and this is against retarded people and this is against gay people or whatever, his whole base would be like, yeah. Yeah. That's what's funny about it. Welcome to Arkansas, bitch. He's welcome in Oklahoma, dude.

They can sell out of a theater. We don't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we got like, a hack. He's a hack. He does puppets, whatever. You know what I mean? But at this point, he's a hack of himself.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's actually incredibly original. Because I don't know who else. He's been doing it for 30 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So nobody was really doing it.

I mean, some people, there were a puppet acts, but like he really existed. Yeah. But nobody was doing that. And then he just didn't stop doing it. But it's fucking crazy. If you look up like a list of like the top earning comedians, it's like Seinfeld from like residuals. Kevin Hartman and Hill. Like, yeah.

And then it's Jeff Dunham has been like, number six for like 20 years. He doesn't call it that. It's also got a noose around it's not good. I wouldn't put it past Jeff Dunham. Of course that. Dude, he's got one.

It's a Mexican guy, but it's just a chili. Yeah, I think we talked about this. It is funny when you talk about it. Then you see the act. You're like, oh, this is pretty crappy. But, you know, whatever. Yeah, yeah. No, it's a cool thing that he does,

but it's not anything I could ever be like into or a fan of... No. I would watch it. You think you can go see that live? You can watch an hour of that? If I took an edible and just sat front row, I think it would be the most golden,

but that's anything. I think my favorite part would be him getting up from the stool to change the puppets. Yeah. You're like, yeah. Awkward moment. Yeah, no, it takes you out of it for a second. He does the water thing

when he drinks water and opens a puppet, and then he elevated. Now he sucks a man's penis while also pantomimiming the puppet. And you're like, how is he doing both of these at the same time? Yeah, he's got a gay puppet. People are saying that's offensive

while he's literally sucking dick on the stage. So, you think I'm homophobic. That made an incredible video. Somebody put up a puppet and was just saying like whatever,

like incredibly gauging it. And then everyone's like, what the fuck, dude? And then it zooms out. He's sucking a penis. Who's in trouble now? You guys judging me?

This is my boyfriend. He has a homophobic puppet on this other hand. He has one fist in the puppet and the other fist is boyfriend's asshole. About blowing it. now watch this. He puts him both on his lap.

Gay sex will always be funny because you should suggest that to Dan Carney as his next video to make. Of a man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What was it the, the phistic thing? Well, I think gay sex is so many because butts are funny and sex is funny.

So butt sex is double funny. Yeah, butt sex just sounds funny. And then men having sex is funny. Men having sex is women's funny. Just because like we're gross, you know what I mean? hairy like things on top of you know we're like we're so we take ourselves so seriously so that's why i meant having sex is funny because we're like no we're serious we're fucking and so just two

versions of that is just funnier i don't take sex serious one no i used like i used to think i was like good at it and whatever and now i'm just like i'm not it's fine doesn't last that long i'll do it once and then i want to go to bed immediately yeah yeah yeah there's no like pretense of anything around it yeah yeah now i'm not like yeah i think i'm good but you don't know you I mean, you never know if you're, tell you're good at sex, but you're not. It doesn't... You can't believe them.

No, of course not. Because you also, I think everybody has different sensations. So, like, I think if we all got blown by the same woman, some of us would say he was a great blow job and some of say he was a bad blow job. And she's going to be here in 10 minutes. I ordered the girl. By the way, I don't have any money. Well, Eli, you...

Someone's going to have to come. I work. Yeah, you got a job. I just got fired, too, so... Yeah, it's my treat, fellas. Right, nice. But I got a bargain one. So it's $15 for the three of them.

Oh my gosh. She's probably missing some teeth, too. Bargain whores? Bargain hoars? I want to open up a store called Bargand horse. I like that, yeah. Just women behind glass. Help! Help!

Don't you worry about that. Why do you think it's so cheap? We don't pay them. Oh, yeah, no, no. They got health insurance, too. What the fuck do you think this is? It has bargain whores on the front. And there's a guy with a machine gun guarding the front door.

What do you think this is? That's so funny. All the conversations about like, we're like, yeah, you know, I'm not really going to buy my pants from Zara because they use slave labor. But then everybody will just buy drugs that are made from, like, people who murder people with machetes. Like, if you do Coke, you're literally funding somebody who probably has kids in a basement in Mexico. That argument whenever somebody's like, oh, you can't do this because they do that is they're fucking like saying it on a device that was made by child slaves. Yeah, yeah. Your fucking phone is made by slave.

And you've known it for like 15 years, but no one has told you to care about it. That was my question. Just let me watch my Mel Gibson movie for me. It's fucking ridiculous. Yeah. Well, it's so funny to do because I don't know the solution because I've thought about it. I would get a non-slave made cell phone just so I could talk shit to other people. Be like, was your phone made by slaves?

You could still talk shit about it if you just accept it because that's their whole, that's their whole platform. We shouldn't accept this. Yeah, yeah. Well, you're totally fine with accepting it in certain areas. That's why Alan has an Android, right? Yeah. Right. Because it's made by younger slaves.

Yeah. He's like, how younger than it. Is it younger, really? Does that brew? I could see it. Yeah, yeah. It's less. Somebody has a joke about that.

It's so funny. It's always exploding. It's so funny. It's because the slaves are too young. They don't understand batteries. When somebody made a joke about, I don't know who it was. I hate when you can't know who said it, but it's like, it's so funny because when your phone breaks, you put it in rice. And that's exactly what they used to feed the people who make your phones.

Now they don't have any rice. They're like, we send it all over to Americans. To fix our phones. We can't pay you in rice. Well, I think that's why they started making the phones waterproof so they can keep the rice over there. Ah, that's a smart plan. Yeah. Look at you.

Putting stuff together. The rest of the world can be so horrible. Yeah, it's awesome. We're just on microphones. That was the funny is, I saw a picture of the Taliban, and they had mics like this. And I'm like, yo, dude, if the Taliban, their podcast. Oh, my God. Yo, I watched a fucking thing.

It was a video on the New York Times Instagram, and they were, like, showing about, like, the way that the Taliban is, like, living in luxury now and whatever. And it was like, especially I'm on a jet ski's playing, if you want to go and take a ride with me. And the guys just got like a garage. They have no water. They're on jet skis. There's,

the video of these guys. And it's like 60 guys and they're all in their 20s. And they all like, they're inside and they have their machine guns. And it's like they're doing like an MTV cribs type of thing where they're just like walking around with a video camera showing this like palace that they live in. They're like, yeah, isn't this fucking sweet?

And New York Times is like, It's crazy like three million people don't have food and they're living here. It's like, dude, they didn't build the fucking palace last week. This was just the last guy that was in charge. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he lived there with him and like 20 women. And now these 60 guys live there by themselves. Yeah, yeah.

How the fuck could you have a problem with what's going on here? Yeah, yeah. Like, that argument doesn't make any sense. Wait, so you're more mad that the, like, I'm confused. I'm just mad at the New York Times to be like, it's, they're living in like this kind of like luxurious style while people are starving. And it's like people starving there isn't anything new. Yeah, of course.

It was the last people in charge built these. They didn't build, they used to live in fucking tents. Oh, of course. You're going to demolish it? Right. Yeah. It's got a pool. Well, that's kind of like the argument.

Inside country no water. There's a parallel argument. So I think there's like, there's a lot of people who are mad at immigrants because they go, oh, they don't have to pay tax, but I have to pay tax. It's like, it's like a very, it's kind of a similar thing to like when you're a kid and somebody gets to skip school and you don't. You're mad somebody else got something that you didn't get. Yeah, exactly. You're like, oh, that's so unfair I have to do this.

And that's the same argument. I think some of that capitalism stuff's kind of same thing you're like with rich guys. It's like, oh, dude, he has more money. Like, fuck, he's piece of shit. I should have more money. It's like, it's kind of the same thing. I don't know that's...

I was like, when people do that shit about billionaires. Yeah, yeah. That was driving me crazy. The past like several months of everyone, like, talking shit about billionaires. And I'm like, you're fucking all on unemployment. Yeah. Get a job before you want to talk about how much money someone has. Yeah, yeah.

Listen, if you're listening, get a fucking job. Get a fucking job. Whatever you do. Get a job. Yeah, get a job. Please. I was fired for this podcast. Yeah, don't start your own podcast.

They'll fire you right away. That is the only thing that came from this podcast. You got fired. Yeah. I wonder, because this could be like a real issue for comedians moving forward. Unemployment. Oh, 100%. Like, no, just getting fired for like being funny.

Well, I didn't tell them that I had a fucking- Getting fired for expressing opinions that are not in line with the opinions you're supposed to have. Oh, well, there's that. But it is very publicly. But also like just just being funny. Like just going for a joke. Just saying something ironic to get a laugh. Yeah, yeah.

You're like, you know. Yeah, because people aren't going to get it. I mean, and more and more, more. Yeah. Like, that's only increasing. Well, that's why I'm always so excited.

That they don't like what you said. That's why I'm so excited whenever I see the line for the seller, it's so long. I'm like, oh, these people are going to see real comedy. They're going to hear a fucked up jokes. And it's interesting. You're like, oh, these are more people are get,

the idea is getting out there in a good way. But also, there are a lot of people that aren't going to shows. I think it's two things, though. I think it, the one thing is if you're going, I think all those people going to that place, they're like, well, this is the place for that. It's not just in my face anywhere else. Which I kind of almost agree with, too, though,

because it is different. Like, it's like tackle football. It's like, those people all agreed to play tackle football. But if the guy tackled you on the street, you'd be like, you're a fucking asshole. So if you went up to an Asian woman and started doing an Asian accent, that's really mean. That's disgusting. 100%.

You can put it on your YouTube page and maybe it's funny. Oh, if you're doing like a man on the street kind of thing. Yeah, then that's it. That's your content. It's your dream. Well, that's the hard part with prank comedy because it does borderline with harassing strangers. Yeah, so very much so. Yeah.

Yeah. It is fucking harassing strangers. Yeah, yeah. Or friends, you can harass your friends too. That's true. Well, those are funny prank shows if you're just fucking with your friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes it okay. Yeah, I think it's going to become a bigger and a bigger issue.

Yeah. I really do. Just people losing their jobs over shit like that. Losing jobs is one thing, but there's another, I feel like the pendulum is swinging back the other way. Like, if you go to open mics and you watch the things people are talking about, yeah, it's open mic comedy. But if you go to like shows and just watch the shit that people are talking about now versus the stuff people were talking about a year or two ago, it's I feel like it's becoming more off color and audiences are down with it. Yeah. I've never had one single complaint after a show.

I mean, I'm not that. I've had a couple. But I think I'm also not like that. I got a few. I went on fucking, uh, I did Graham's show on Friday, which is like 6 p.m. show. And there was, uh, the whole audience was like a group of NYU kids that came together. It was like 10 of them. And I said some joke where like the punchline was retarded,

and I opened with it, and I bulleted on the show. I didn't have a good set. You guys went to NYU, none of you're retarded. You guys are fucking geniuses. But I bullet on the show. I do that. That was my opening joke. And then I fucking bomb for the rest of it, whatever.

I get off stage. Jake was hosting. I talked to him later that night when I get home. And he was just like, yeah, at the end of the show when they were leaving the room, two of the girls are talking to each other. And they're like, well, he didn't have to say retarded. It's like, it's a fucking after a whole show, you were still thinking about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

First joke, first comic. Yeah, that is, that's wild to me. I, um, yeah, that's weird. I don't know, because, like, I've heard people with the punchline retard to get a laugh. Oh, yeah. I also don't want to do too much inside baseball stuff, but, yeah. It worked other times, too. So it's just like, it was, again, time and place, you know what I mean?

Like, I knew it wasn't going to work there, but I said it anyway. I, yeah. Slurs are usually a bad way to go. I still put them in my act, though. Thank you. The word guinea for me is beautiful. So I'll never not like, you can't tell me. That's one of the ones you could still get away with, but it sounds bad. Yeah, well, Dyke, you shouldn't say. But like those two words, like, you can't make me fall out of love with them. That one I just really like them. I've heard, Dike's a weird one because I've heard people say it and people not be bothered by it.

I've heard it said on stage and people not be bothered by it. Yeah, I don't know where it stands. I have with it is every time it's so hard for it to sound natural. It is a harsh word. It's like, phonetically, it's just like, you know, it's just like, it's all the consonants. That's why I like it. Dike. Yeah. Because you think you like it because it sounds like Kike. Exactly.

Well, I, no, no, I like Dike. Okay. I'm going to edit it around so it says you like Kike. I don't mind that one either. Well, you were talking about it because you're Jewish, you were telling it would be the funniest thing if somebody called you because you're like, what is this 1940? Like, who says? Yeah, I started on stage a while ago. Whereas it's like, you call me a Kike.

Like, what fucking year is it? Yeah. You just say Jew different. That's how you insult Jews now. I just go chew. Yeah. Yeah. It's all about the look in your eyes.

Dirty. Dirty fucking chew. Yeah. Oh, I'm getting uncut. If it's normal volume, it's fine. If it's too loud or too quiet, it's like you're saying something. Chew. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you're like, chew. Actually, that sounds like a football chair. Like, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew.

Oh, you did. If I was a professional athlete, I'd be like, I'd want to be called the Jew. Oh, that would be fucking sick. Yeah. Just see, you have 80,000 people screaming Jew. That'd be awesome. Oh, yeah. they're clearly talking

about you because there's no other Jewish players on the fucking NFL, no. It's me and that lineman for the Redskins, but he doesn't even play anymore. Yeah. Julian Edelman actually, slot receives Oh, that's true. Yeah, he was Jewish. He's Jewish. There are a couple of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're mostly agents.

Exactly. But every now and then an athlete. They have the best crews. Is Paul Giammati? He's Italian, right? That's another example. Paul Gi-Ii-Mati? Yeah. The most Italian name. He seems, he played the Jewish agent in the... Campercola.

Motsarola. Well, that's so funny, too, because, like, we're talking about Jews and Italians are going to mixed up. He literally plays the Jewish agent in the NWA movie. Yeah. Well, he could look Jewish, 100%. That's an upset, but it's just so funny. He also played, like, the secretary of the treasury and, like, some fucking finance

movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just is, like, get, Italians, there's a lot of, some people can play multiple. He also played an accountant on the Volkswagen commercials that were air in about a year ago. So I think he just looks like bookish. Yeah, yeah, well, it's like, it's like some people you can play, they're, they really, you can play a lot with them. They could, they could be this, they could be that, like fucking, what's his name?

Scarface, Pacino, he's played so many different races. Yeah. Cuban? Yeah. Puerto Rican's the funniest. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's played like some vaguely South American. Yeah, yeah.

And what was it? Mexican. Yeah, yeah. He plays a lot of Latinos. Yeah. Lots of different races. Yeah. Yeah.

He has not pulled off black yet, but I don't. I, he's like the. next Robert Downey Jr. They'll do that face animation like they didn't. They'll never do that again. Not if I have to say that. They put him in blackface.

No, no, I was thinking of like they did with the DHM in the, uh, in Irishman. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

it would be called the black men. Yeah, it's just what they're going to do. They're going to, they're going to put him in black face, but in post. So it's actually fine. It was just like a filter.

What if they did? You didn't know the whole, the whole movie, you'd fill in the movie like, that was great. Yeah. And then later on you watch it theaters and you're just black in it because they did

really animated. You're like, I didn't know they were going to do that. Doing interviews, it was an incredible challenge. Just like slip into another person like that. And one's so different from myself. You're just looking at it.

You're like, what the fuck? They made me black. I like, the director is just like, all right. It was a creative choice. Like in this one, we're going to give you a shield and a spear.

We just wanted you to like jump around a lot. It's a weird thing to do. But all right. I'll try to rhyme when you talk more. Who's a favor? You ever see the movie? You ever see Die Hard 3? The one that takes place in New York.

Samuel Jackson. There's a scene in the movie right in the beginning where he has to go up to Harlem with the sign around his neck. Yes. You don't know about it or something? Yeah, it says, I hate N-words. Right?

And that's like the bad guy is trying to torture him or something like that. It's weird. You couldn't find a T-shirt? You know, he's got to wear the sign. Yeah. They have t-shirts round time square. You get a t-shirt for anything.

He goes up and he was like, yeah, like this guy's going to blow up a city. And he's like, oh, so he made you do that? And he's like, no, he just told me to stand on the corner. The sign's mine, actually. I brought that. But so they have them. As he says? No.

Okay, that's so confused. They have, like, the direction is like, you have to go up with this sign around your neck. You have to stand on this corner, blah, blah, blah. And it's like middle of Harlem in the early 90s. So it's a fucking crazy thing to do, right? And these guys come and they're going to kill him. And he's standing there. And it pans out at one point.

And it shows, like the reveal is it shows the sign, right? I hate N-words. And he's standing there next to- He doesn't write N-words, by the way. No, yeah. It says it. Came out in like 91. Yeah.

And so he's standing next to, uh, there's a group of like 20 black kids on a stoop. And they come over and they like, they fucking, like, slice them with a knife. And they're like, whatever, they're going to kill them. But on the made-for-TV version of the movie, they can't write N-words. Right. So it just says, I hate everybody. That's right. And then it's just like a bunch of black kids coming up.

Like, what the fuck? man, you got a problem? You should love. Yeah, exactly. Why do you have a problem with everybody? Yeah. But they didn't even make it same like colored or black people or anything like that. It was everybody.

They could have literally just said the word blacks. They could have said blacks and it would have been fine. It would have made sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but so instead they have like this like misappropriated anger towards Bruce Willis. It's an incredibly awkward scene in the movie. That is so funny. Also like, I have a team.

And then Sam Bill Jackson has to like come up and like like, like, save him. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. That's so funny. It's like the idea of like, like the terrorist. It's like the terrorist is like planning things. He's like,

we could either have them go on a train with the bomb or in the hood with the N-word on them. It's like, which one? Do you think anyone was like, yeah, inward? Do we really need to go that far there? Yeah. And then we're going to have them go down to Tribeca

and ask all these women if they're pregnant. Yeah. It's just like the weirdest terrorist attack. That's funny. That's good. Oh, my God. Yeah.

I haven't seen that one forever. The third one? Yeah, I've seen the first and second one a bunch. Second one's airport, right? Yeah, the second one's kind of weak.

Yeah, yeah. The week is the three, I think. Yeah. The first one I've seen so many times. Are we basically just off N-words? Because that's the case, the first one's pretty weak, too. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. The fifth one was all right. They said the N-word again in it? Yeah, they say it all the time. Oh, okay. No, the fourth one was all right. The fifth one sucked.

The fourth one was Justin Long. Yeah, fourth one was Justin Long. Okay, yeah, yeah. That one was all right. I like that one was in Russia. He ran out of bullets. He like shoots his car into the... He flies a car into a...

It just gets ridiculous. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah. That's the first one I saw. Actually, I like the fifth one too. The one in Russia, I thought was fun. I turned it off. It was like 20 minutes in.

I was like, this is crap. You don't like how homophobic they were. That's what it was, right? Yeah, exactly. I was like, what? Why isn't Bruce Willis kissing a man right now? It's a different culture. Different culture.

Can't do that here, buddy? Mm-hmm. But yeah, the first one's fucking awesome. Yeah. That's like an all-time Great movie. You ever listen to I like Bruce Bulls a lot? I like all his Action Hero movies. I don't even like read like the shit he was doing later in his career. It's just

fucking fun to watch on Scream. Oh yeah. You ever listen to his album on Spotify? I've seen the video I've seen like one of the music videos. The Return of Bruno. No. Dude he like recorded an album. They're not even like cover songs. It's just like he did like under the boardwalk. He did that version. What he's very passionate.

But he has like original music on there which it's so obvious he didn't write a fucking note. And it's so much just like a derivative version of all this like mid to late 80s and like Huey Lewis in the news. Kind of me. It's like very poppy and commercial.

It's fucking terrible. Yeah. And there's like him singing it. It's so fucking funny, dude. Yeah. I've seen just one music video. I know Vin Diesel came out with like an album this year. Why do they do that?

Why do actors do that? I've been diesel and I'm singing. Do your fucking thing, which by the way has no originality. Like you're not coming. You're not writing the character. You're not coming up with lines. I understand.

It's a. and you're playing the character, but you're not creating this thing. Why do you think you have to create music for people? Yeah, yeah. What are you doing? You know, I would go to writing a movie. I would stick within movies.

Yeah, stick to your medium at least. I'm sure. People do that well, like actors that transition to writing. 100% or directing and they can be very, very talented. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes they're better at it than acting. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, a lot of times direct actors know how to talk to actors really, really well

because they're fucking actors. Yeah, yeah, do this because I've been in your shoes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, that makes a lot of sense. So, I mean, look, I'm sure a Vin Diesel script wouldn't be good. But it'd be better than a Vendezel song. Yeah, they're like, what's that? I fly, all right, so this is what I'm going to do.

This is about World War II. I'm going to fly a Mercedes-Benz into a building. I call my wife on my cell phone. I'm like, bitch, cook dinner. I don't got friends. I got family. Yeah. Hey, Hitler, lights out. Just, like, punches him in the faces of something.

like we're going to give him the reins. We're going to let him make like a World War II epic and he just write saving Private Ryan again. Yeah, yeah. He was in that, wasn't he? Yeah, he was. Yeah, yeah. Give him a $200 million budget. That movie sucks. Saving Private Ryan? Fucking hate that movie. Really? I guess I watched it way too late in life because I watched it like a couple years ago

and it was like propped up as this like incredible war drama. The first scene's like one of the best scenes in movie history. Oh, just like on the beach? Yeah. Yeah. It falls off a lot after that scene. Yeah, like Vin Diesel just like crying and dying in the rain. That was my favorite part. Yeah, that's the best part of the movie. Oh, I'm dead.

This sucks. That's how bad he's at acting he says when he's dead. I'm dead. It's pretty stacked cast, though. Yeah, yeah. Tom Seismore's in it? Tom Seismore. He's a good actor. Too bad he got trouble for drugs. He's fucking raped the 13 year old girl. He might have done that. You guys had two different things. Yeah. He might have done that. He definitely got pegged by a hooker and there's

definitely a video of it out there. He might have done it, but he was like the lead in a movie and the accusation was like he diddled like a 13 year old girl he didn't like rape her but he like molested her and uh like on set and like they're splitting hairs here but they stopped yeah exactly but they

they stopped production of the movie because the director like came up to him was like get the fuck out of here yeah of it kicked him off the set so it's like he might have done it he might not have he never got convicted of anything but it was like enough for like on like on the job the director to be like absolutely not yeah he probably did that then

yeah he definitely did it It's Hollywood, though. I'm surprised the director is like, how dare you fuck kids and not tell me about it? You're throwing parties. Let me know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you leave her alone.

She's mine. That is crazy. Like, I know somebody works for a talent agency, and I don't know if he's just like a interesting guy. I'm not going to say who he is. But he's told me, he's like, dude, the pedophile stuff is so legit in Hollywood.

I'm like, I don't know if that's... Dude, it's been a trope in so many movies. I'm sure it's real. Yeah. What is also just weird how many people like work with kids... You mean, like, you're working with kids for like hours.

Like that's weird. Hours, and hours. Hours and hours. It's not like fucking six hours. It's like fucking 18 hours five days a week.

Yeah, yeah, it's fucking weird. It's like your joke, oh, it's easy for you to not fuck cows in New York City. Oh,

tempted by cow pussy all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, surrounded by like a starlet, you know, like an American sweet art kind of thing. Like everybody's saying how she's incredible. Yeah.

Let's find the best looking young boys in the planet. That's literally what the job is. To work with them. Yes. Yeah. Isn't that a casting agent? don't they just look at kids all day?

That's fucking so weird. And they look for ones that just have like the it factor. You know? Some like not really discernible or something you could really articulate. Yeah. What is the it? Something about this kid gets me going. It's crazy.

Yeah. That's an insane job. Oh yeah. They need to get rid of the fucking the little kid fucking shows too. What are they called? What like? The pageants? The little kid the pageants.

Oh yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's terrible. That's not even for the kids. It's for the moms. Yes. Yeah.

The parents. like that shit. Well, it's also for another group of adults that goes. The judges. They hang on the back, they have fanny packs and sweatshants on, like, yeah. That was like the always sunny joke. Not to just do other jokes on here, but like they're like, there's a bunch of pedophiles end up in like at the child thing, and they're like, come on,

that's like going to the beach, having a picnic and get mad when the seagulls show up. It's like, it's just this thing's a magnet for those. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, that's a wild world. I mean, yeah, I don't know. The kid business? The kid, I'm in the kid business. That's fucking so creepy. Anything involving

like where there's some type of structure or organization and children if it isn't school is fucking weird We should leave them out in the woods like They did back in the day I don't know if that ever happened I'm just gonna say back in the day Even if it never happened

I was like saying to I think Jake a little while ago anyone who is a teacher Like a any Just know you're already walking on thin ice Just know the younger than college So even fucking high school seniors Anyone who's a teacher that it's not a fallback profession is a fucking weird out of me

You're like you're like I want to do this. I want to like be around these kids and mold his mind. Everyone knew of a teacher. Who had something? Yeah, who had something. Yeah, who had something. There was a bunch of my high school. Yeah. Yeah, we had a bunch. There is one. I was, I fucking said this on stage recently, but it was like, Mr. Fitsy. No, Mr. I haven't said that in a long time. That's a true story. Can you tell this one? Yeah. So there's this guy who's like, um, uh, Mr. Fitsy. Such a cute name. Fitsky. Yeah. How could this go wrong? He was a band teacher. Yeah. Oh, that's, it's always band teachers. They are fucking kids so much.

Because they're just so unhinged, man. Yeah. And they also think that they're one of the, like, one of the guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're not like the authoritarian teacher. They're just like fucking one of the kids. We do things a little differently in our classroom. Everybody take your pants off.

Yeah. But he had a fucking thing. I haven't said that in so long. It was a funny remember. But he had a one time, like, there was a girl who was like fucking like 15 years old. And this is like when juicy coutor was really popular. Juicy Coutor? Yeah, like the sweatpants girls would wear it and it would say juicy on their ass.

Okay. And it was only like high school kids. I would wear him. This girl's like 15 years old and he like walks past her and he just goes like, that butt is juicy. And everyone just like fucking laughs and whatever and blah. And another time in his class, this girl like leans forward and her thong rides up her back.

And this girl's like fucking 16 years old. And he walks behind her and hooks her thong and pulls it up in front of 30 kids and goes, snap daddy and just lets it go. Wow. Pretty cool. Pretty yeah, he's a pretty cool guy. That might kind of got. Then he got fired

like a couple years ago For like touching a girl's back. For touching a girl's back? Yeah. Was he like, this is nothing compared to it? Yeah, he's like,

he's like, he's serious? Exactly, yeah. What? Are you guys insane? But that was the joke. It was like you fire him for like fucking nothing

compared to what the guy's giving him. All right. I'm fired. Well, that's okay. I'll still see it prom. Taking Hannah. He just becomes a best driver. That's so funny too

because like I love that MG's just. be like he's just behind on the top. Like, because that's the thing I'm like, this was a different error when he did that. Okay, he could do that back then. It's like,

it's still the same guy who's attracted to kids. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know what? I would want to know how maddy was when he found out he can't do that anymore. That'd be big. Oh,

if he's like, I can't do it. And he was like, what do you mean? You know what? I'm just horsing around. Why we teach the kids. There was fucking,

so there was that dude. He did that. He gets fired for like touching the small of a girl's back. At like, my high school was. like on the lower parking lot, it was grades 9 through 12. On the upper parking lot, it was grade 7 and 8. The dude

who was the principal of like the junior high school, his wife of 30 years, he met when he was a teacher at that school. He was a teacher. She was like a junior. And they let him be the principal. He was like a junior, but this was like back in the 70s and so they met. Fire that guy.

It's crazy. They definitely started fucking while he was teaching her. But as soon as she graduates, like a year and a half after they met, they get married. And they're still fucking married and this dude's like in charge. No, don't let that guy be around kids. It's so, yeah. It's insane.

Yeah. When they check your teacher record that you should have to only be having sex with women that are 10 years older than you. They should have only guys that are into cougars. It should be like you're a priest. You have to take like a vow of celibacy. Yeah, yeah. And they show you get way more. They should show you pictures of kids.

If you don't gag in your mouth, you can't have the job as principal. That should be the rule. Yeah. I had this one guy. His name was Mr. Alzheimer. He used to touch girls. This is fifth grade, very inappropriately. And they just told them to stop.

Like, hey, why don't you knock that off? Alzheimer's. It sounds German. You might have read about them in the paper. I think you got fired a few decades later or something. Well, they just told them like, hey, knock it off. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's fucked up.

Yeah. The point of this podcast is we don't take sexual assault serious enough. You took anything from this podcast. The point of this podcast is you can get fired for saying something, but you can touch kids and you can keep your job. That's, oh my God. We kind of all brought it all around. Holy shit. That made a lot of sense.

I don't know. I still think I still think you can't touch kids. I think we've caught up very well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Caught up very well. Well, that's what he was saying. He's saying it's weird that... Yeah.

Oh, you were so long. Yeah. For so long, yeah. It was a long time. It was like pedophilia was like a... It was like a bad habit. Right. Yeah.

It was a thing you talked about like in hush tones. Everybody knew it was there. And it was like, well, you can't do that. Well, the fucked up thing is like, back in the day, women were told like not to come out of being molest. They're like, people's parents were like, yeah, don't tell people that happen to you because we don't want to get invited. Yeah, you'll be like a social pariah. Yeah.

Also, you won't get married if you're not a virgin. Yeah, exactly. It's crazy. You know what if you want to touch to him as goods, you're going to end up working at fucking Alan Fitzgerald's bargain whores store. Yeah. Where he kidnaps women. He only kidnaps women here. You're going to go in and apply for a job, but I want to work here.

You're like, no, you're not hurt. I'm sorry. You don't got what it takes. You got to be running away from me. That's out. but you guys want to promote anything you have online

anything fuck city USA there you go that's my podcast and that's also my Instagram my Twitter my TikTok

my fucking Venmo it's everything just Google fuck city USA you should find me oh hell yeah Eli underscore Haba or come to the grizzly

pair of Sundays and Mondays all right perfect