Morning Good - Don't Be an Eagle Scout - Episode 10

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

This was a difficult episode to record due to the events of this week and the death of a good friend of the show. We'd like to thank Charlie and Lucas for being fun and silly people and keeping us in good spirits. Lucas and former guest Nathan Ortan have a podcast together called "Monkey Don't." Make sure to check that out and follow Lucas on Instagram @hinderloser for updates about the show and anything else he has coming up.Charlie Dawson is on Instagram @charliesanglers_ so make sure to follow him and his comedy channel @waytoozesty.tv As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Before the episode starts, I just want to honor a close friend of mine that passed away this week. If you guys knew Cord Davis, he was just a great guy to be around. He was a lot of sometimes, but he was maybe one of the funnest, kindest people that I've ever met in my whole entire life. And when I'm talking about Cord, I want to talk about the beginning of hearing about the legend Cord Davis. I remember I was in seventh grade and I heard that this guy had a threesome with two eighth graders. and I was like, that's a crazy rumor. And then I met the guy and talked to everybody, and that was completely true.

This guy was in seventh grade having threysms with two eighth graders. He was basically like just the man. And he wasn't just some cool guy. He was a nice guy. He was caring and he was fucking hilarious. Like I remember one thing he used to do to always cheer us up. Whenever he was in your house, he would take any inanimate object,

a teddy bear, a pillow, a picture of your grandma, maybe not that, but, and he would do this thing where he'd have a most serious look in his face, and then he would pretend to have sex with that inanimate object while making this noise. And he'd just make direct eye contact with you and just be totally serious. But that's the thing with him. He was just, anywhere he went, he was just didn't take anything seriously. And he was such a jokester and such a fun person to be around. And he was also caring.

Like, you know, he would come into your house, because I remember my parents' first, heard about chord they were like that kid's a troublemaker you're not allowed to hang out with him and then i i forced them to let me hang out with them and they met him and after the day they met him they didn't say a single bad thing about him because he would walk into the house he would talk to my mom he would say hey how's it going is good how's john doing how's lexie doing how's everybody doing and it wasn't that he was trying to be polite because he wasn't polite he didn't care about how he looked. He cared about how you felt. I remember my grandma passed away and I was sitting at the lunch table alone and he asked what's going on. I told him my grandma passed away and he goes,

oh, the old bitch finally croaked. Now my first reaction is I got so angry. I was like, what a dick? What is this guy? And then I just died laughing because I was like, what a ridiculous thing to say to somebody whose grandma just died. And in a way, he gave me exactly what I needed. in that moment. And I remember two seconds later, he patted me on the bag and said, that was a lot, man. I'm sorry for fucking with you, but if you need anything, seriously, let me know. Because he really cared about other people. I remember so many of my friends in high school, we just getting so much shit and some of us would run away. And he would let kids sleep at his house. Like, I remember one of our friends lived at his house for like a month and a half. And, you know, that's not the type of thing

your mom or dad is super cool with, you know. He was one of those guys who he would defend his friends in a way that he would make sure that we were having a good time even if he was getting shit for it. One of his favorite things he'd like to do is whenever a party would end or we would get kicked out or the cops would come, he would say, oh, you guys can, I'll come over to my house. My mom's totally cool with it. And we'd get there and his mom would say, court, what the fuck are these people doing here? And he said, I'd go talk to her. And he'd go talk to her and he would, you could just see his mom yelling at him and saying this is not okay. But he really just wanted people to have a good time.

That was his thing, you know? He's to, and listen, this wasn't him just trying to get laid. Because if it was him trying to get laid, he would just invite two girls over and say he can't have a party and he can only have two people over. He would invite every, I don't give a shit who you are. He let everybody over because he genuinely cared about other people, and he was just such a blast to be around.

And I know this is probably very weird for you guys to hear me do a tribute to somebody that's serious and kind of silly while my podcast, banner is me with an erection. But Corda was such a good friend that he actually listened to this show. He listened to this ridiculous podcast because he genuinely cared about other people and he's going to be really missed. He was a great guy. And if he got a chance to hang out with him, you were lucky. And obviously he was a lot at some points. But it's, I'm glad I got the chance to have him in my life. And I just wanted to say, rest in peace, and wish he could have came on the show.

But if he knew Cord, just take some time to think about all those hilarious memories you had with him. Because you probably did. You probably had some bad ones, too. Because anybody that's hilarious is going to piss some people off. But he was the type of guy that just genuinely cared about other people. You know, like going on Facebook after he died, everybody had pictures of him. That shows how much he was in everybody's life. there were some people i didn't even know they even knew cord and they had nine pictures with him

you know he was just he was a great guy to be around he was just this source of fun and energy and just hilariousness and although he was sometimes impolited times he genuinely cared about other people and he had a love in his lot of love in his heart so uh sorry about that serious note uh the rest of the podcast is going to be silly and i really appreciate you guys listening thank you Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are?

What's this? Did you call it the podcast? Morning Good. I love that. Yeah, it's me with the Boner on the front. Welcome to the Born and then. Now you're here with the Jazzcast with Michael Good. What if I just told you guys?

I didn't tell you what was about, and then I just, like, forced you into a jazz podcast about just different. Like Miles Davis is in. Incredible. Yeah, I'm just looking at you guys. Like, what the fuck am I supposed to say to that? The only jazz I know is DJ. Jazy Jaffe. From Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

I didn't really watch that show a lot. It was a good show. He was also a real DJ for Will Smith. You just call him Bill Smith. I know him as Bill. But Bill Smith is Will Smith, but Bill Smith is the whitest name possible. I know him as Bill. We go way back.

Speaking of what? One of my friends, his dad is so Haitian that he, he, calls his son brother. Wow. He goes, brother's son. Maybe his son is his brother. That's also possible. Is Hulk Hogan, Haitian?

Oh, brother. But he's like, brother. Like, brother, son. Can I say I love a Haitian accent? Because I can understand what they're saying, but I don't know any word, any one word. You know what I mean? But I get what they're saying. By just like the love?

Yes, just by the love, yeah. I don't know. Where's Haitian? Haiti? That's Haiti? Yeah, I've been there. Where is that? I don't know things.

Oh, I did horrible things. Like, I took the pictures you're not supposed to take. Oh, sure. You know those pictures that are just like totally racist? When I was like 17, I went there and I was like, you helped build houses for kids? I brought shoes. Like, I did not even do that much.

I started a Boy Scout troop of somebody because we get there. What? It stopped for a second. We're back on. All right. Oh, okay, hold on. I don't know what's happening right now. Oh, wait.

We're good. We're good. Hey, sorry about that. This is one of your topics, bad podcast equipment. Sadra usually handles the producing and putting it together part. Yeah, this is good equipment. I think it's just the laptop.

The laptop's shitty. That's why we usually use his. Yeah. But I digress. What does that word mean? I never know what it means. The church was like, dude, they're going to love these fucking shoes. And I was like...

Wait, were you a church kid? No, but like I was a Boy Scout and we went through the church to bring their shoes. Yeah. And I knew black people like shoes, but I did not know. I took all the wrong pictures, like the ones you're not supposed to take that are super racist. Like what? Yeah. Like when you're with the kids and you're like...

Oh, like you saved them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I did nothing. Is that racist? It's definitely racist. I think it's frustrating to that race. Yeah, yeah. Because you're like, this guy just showed up here for a weekend.

Yeah. It's like that Louie joke. Which one? The one about where a girl, like the high school girl goes on a church trip and she takes a picture with the shovel and it's like, no, we fucking hate you. don't want you here. You're making it harder for us. Yeah, exactly.

You must have made it harder. You must have showed up and they were like, this fucking white guy. What is he doing here? Well, the thing I was surprised about it, because I went as like a Boy Scout trip, you're supposed to do like a big thing when you become an Eagle Scout. And it was so weird because like they're like,

you become an Eagle Scout. Yeah. You went all the way through. I just not so impressed by the guy. Because like, it's not that hard. You could still do it, Lucas. I know I could. Like, I tried.

But he goes, I know I could. You looked it up. How old? What's the minimum age to be an Eagle Scout? By the way, I had friends still in the Eagle Scouts at like 19. So, yeah. That's why it's like, I feel like it's a big commitment, right? Yeah, yeah.

No, no. No? No, he says no. Oh, they're talking about now. Like, now it's not a big commitment. It's not like, I have to, like, leave my girlfriend. Like, I got to go to the Eagle Scout meeting. We got to teach some air badges.

I got to pick up some trash on the highway. I got to go. We're selling beef jerky. What do they sell? They don't sell cookies. It's so popcorn. Yeah, popcorn. Oh, what a shitty.

That's even worse than cookies. I'll buy the guy. love Girl Scout cookies. All thinnments. If nothing else just to talk to the kids. You know anything to talk to the kids. You buy

boxes just so they come back. We also sold Christmas trees. To Haiti? That's how Honestly, I in high school, that's how disconnected I was. I would have probably thought that they needed

Christmas trees in Haiti. I would have been like, I have no idea what's going on. Never had a real tree. Yeah, yeah, like that's what they need. But I was surprised they were, like, excited about having, they wanted to, like, start their own. We started a Boy Scout troop there, which. Oh, shit.

None of them are still doing it. No, there's no one of their, they're all pirates now. Like, what do they need Boy Scouts for? It's like, boy scouts teach, like, survival. And they're like, we do this every day. Yeah, yeah. That was the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, how to build a fire. They're like, you mean like, what we do. You mean, like, our dinner? Yeah, exactly. This isn't an event for us. No, it was very stupid. but, you guys, so you were impressed by the Eagle Scout thing. Because I, I, like, got into it and then never finished.

It was so boring to me. It sucks, dude. Yeah. I do like that they have a how to not get molested merit badge. Like, that was a whole thing. Oh, I never got to that. Yeah. That's probably why I got molested so much.

You're like, every quarter of this is happening. If there was a class. You talk to your friend and you're like, are you getting molested? You guys, no, I got my bad. They haven't taught you this yet. It just keeps happening. But, you know, I hate it. Like, I would lie to, like, girls about it.

Not like, I would get molested? You go, baby, I've never been molested. This is untouched. Remind me to come back to asses being touched later, but no. Yeah, remind me to come back to molestation. I have a story. But, no, I was so embarrassed, like, with girl, because I'd never told any girls I was in the Boy Scout.

I almost didn't even tell my guy friends, because I was like, it just looks good on a college resume. And then that's, like, the only reason I did it. But we're talking about getting Mollett. So I was at the Keys this weekend. And I was at a Bachelor party. And there's this one bar there. I was the only one that got totally naked because there's this nudist bar.

Okay, say the nudist bar. Say that part first. Yeah, I was just in the park. He goes, I'm the only one who got naked and the only one who got arrested. Yeah. It was a lit 12th birthday, though. Everybody had fun, except for me. But it was so funny because I became like a hardcore feminist over this weekend.

Like, I've never hated women. But like, I was, I know this is a lot to start with. But like, I was always like, I'm not like men's rights. But, you know, I'm not like one of those guys who's like, because it's weird when you meet a guy who's like hardcore fat. You know what I mean? Like a white knight. Yeah.

Yeah. Like they're doing it just to get fucked. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And then I'm at this bar totally naked. And this dude fucking just right on my. ass just grabs me by the ass. I was like, that is not okay. I was like, that is not how you treat people. That is not. I got so angry. And then part of me started to feel like the victim

blaming myself. I was like, well, I was wearing nothing. But then I'm like, wait, that's still not an excuse. You go, well, what was I wearing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were asking for it. Yeah. I was like, this is an endless cycle. I did a new, I performed for a nudist, like, colony one time. Dang. It was cool. They said, um, specifically the performers don't have to get naked. But I was like, that's fucking lame. Like, we're at a nudist party. So I got naked. Did everyone who you were performing with get naked, or was it just you? It was just

me. Actually, this is the first show I ever did with Mia. Oh, I thought so. Yeah. So I was the only performer who got naked. The whole audience was naked. But I realized, like, I got naked and then I started getting cat called. I'm like, oh, this nudist party is 70% gay men. Yeah, that's normally how it works. Yeah. So I got dressed like after the show, and then we were

taking pictures with all of them. Still, naked. They were. I wasn't. And they were all like, oh, it'd be, wouldn't it be funny if you got naked for these pictures? And I'm like, no. I think I'm good. The show's over, dog. Yeah. Do you have a nice, like, package? No homo. I mean, a little bit of a little, a little homo. Yeah. It's like, uh, it's like, were you, was it harder to perform naked? I mean, it must have been. It must have been. Were you drunk or, because like, this thing, when I got told, they were, they were, they were, I was slightly drunk. They were giving us free alcohol. before the show. And like, you know, whatever. Like, I saw some of the smallest dicks in my life at this

nudist party. So I felt no shame and showing. So that's the thing about like the nudist colonies and the nude beaches. It's like when you're a kid, you're like, oh, everyone's naked. That must be amazing. It'll be beautiful people that are naked. It's not. It's never. I realized this at the party like, because I got there and the guy who ran the whole thing, his dick would like truly the smallest dick. And he runs it. And I'm like, oh, this is why they do it to so they can for once and their life not feel shamed about. Yeah, yeah, that's probably what it is because he's like, dude, listen, he's like, now you guys know I have a small dick.

I didn't have to make up for anything. I didn't have to make any distractions. But the weird thing is when I was at this thing, some guy, because my dick, like, I got an average penis. Average. Okay, like the honest. To answer your question, Charlie, though, it's huge. Michael said he's average.

You wait until everyone else. Yeah, but I have like an average dick, and I was like drunk and I took some out. So it was fucking shrimp dig. And some guy walks up and like, just. most earnestly goes, hey man, great dick, bro. And I was like, thank you so much. I was like, thank you.

This feels great. But then, like, his wife comes up and she's like, yeah, great. And I'm like, oh, I think I'm trying to, these guys trying to get me cucked in. It's called the unicorn. What's, it is? You're right. When a couple is, like, out and they try to scout someone to bring home, it's a unicorn. Would you, would you, would you, are you and your girl open?

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, yeah. Unless you were also. Was that weird? Unless you really want it. I think I talked about this on like another episode. It would be too stressful. I don't know.

Cheating? You mean? No, no, I've never cheated. Oh, polygamy, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, like having an open relationship. Because it's like, I feel like, as much as I'm like, dude, I want to give a shit.

I was like, whatever, who cares? I'm like, I'm cool. But I think the second it happened, I'll be like, that's not cool.

100%. Oh, Oh, yeah. 100%. I have a few friends who dabbled in the polygamy and it never works out. It never does. It's like a new age thing, and I hope it dies out. I don't, see, I don't hope it dies.

But I think some of it's society, because I think half of it, obviously I don't want my girlfriend getting fucked by other people, but I think the other half would be my friends trying to bang my girlfriend. That would be frustrating, yeah. And I'd be like, Randos only, brother, you know, only strange guys at bars, nobody I know personally. Sure. I bet you're hanging out on the couch of your buddy, your girlfriend walks by,

and he's like, dude, doesn't our girl have a sweet ass? Oh, God. You both slap her ass. Dude, does she suck your dick like this? Oh, God. Yeah, yeah. That's why I, that conversation right thing can never happen. Yeah.

Yeah, what if I show up? You're like, hey, man, how's you now? I'm like, good man, I saw your girl. Yeah. Oh, me and your girlfriend were hanging out last night. Got kind of wild. Yeah. Couldn't take that now.

Oh, back to my last station. Yeah, no, I know where we were with that, but that was the thing, Key West. I don't know. I had a buddy in high school. He was a boy scout from, like, a young age. There are a lot of, like, his whole friend group there were all boy scouts. and then when he was 16, he got arrested. And everyone was like, what happened?

Like, was it a Boy Scout thing? He, like, raped two 12-year-olds on a camping trip. I mean, it's only a four-year-age difference. True, true. It's only a four-year difference. That's why I brought this up is to say that that's okay with me. They're both minors. I like how I was like, I don't want to talk about my friend dying

because it's going to take a sharp turn on the podcast. And he's like, I don't know somebody to rape two, 12 girls. Yeah, that's a lot. Well, he didn't rape him. This is what he did. He, uh, yeah, they wanted it. He liked to, he, I think he took like naked pictures of them. But regard, my point was like that, that scarred me. I was like, I never want to be in any sort of Boy Scout troop because that shit does happen. Like, it happened. Like, it happened to my friend, you know. Yeah. He did it, but still. Yeah. Yeah. What if I was, what if I was, what if I was, what, what, was, like, what if I was, like, what I was, like, what I was, like, I don't know. I, I kind of, like, didn't. I thought I was too. like tough for that. I don't know. I was like, even though I didn't realize, I was like, dude, I would kick his ass, bro.

I think you should teach your kids about sex to the young age so they don't get molested. I agree. I agree. Because they straight up, because if you shout to your kid, they don't know what's going on. Yeah, yeah. They're like, yeah. They're probably like, yeah. I was 6 foot 2 when I was 12. So I feel like if someone took naked pictures. So you molested a lot of kids. If someone took naked pictures

of me when I was tall, it would be okay. Because it's like, he's got a man's he's got a man's like. He's six foot two. It didn't stop recording, did it? No, we're good. I swear you. Do you edit these?

No, no, we're not editing any of this out. We, yeah, it, um, what I said? If somebody randomly is like, take that out, then I'll take it out. You want me to take it out? Oh, no, no, please. This guy's still in jail. Oh, okay, so keep it going. Keep you on.

Okay, sweet. He molested a lot of kids. Yeah. I feel like, guys, let's do a clap off for pedophiles being in jail. Yes. Jail. Jail. I did a golf clap because I'm still kind of on board.

You do it. Poetry snap. Yeah, can you edit that out, by the way. But I also want to explain to where we are because the other episode, I just have an episode here

that I just said, Penthouse episode. So we're at the doctor's penhouse who also is a comic. Does your audience know who's on the podcast, by the way? Oh, shit. Because I noticed we never introduced.

Charlie Dawson and Lucas Hendel. Hinderlighter. Yeah. My good friend, Michael Good. Yeah. Follow me on. Does Instagram. Yeah.

We normally do that at the end. Keep your fucking mouth shut. Well, we just, you messed up the first part, so I was just trying to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but, um, shit, what we're talking about. Yeah, no, nobody even, it's hard to explain to somebody what this was. Like, I was trying to explain something. I'm like, so it's like a penthouse, right?

That this guy is a comic, but he's also a doctor and he throws parties to open. Somebody's like, wait, so he lets people into the penthouse. And I'm like, yeah, no, it's just a fun drug den. We had a, a big show, we had a show here last night, and then we put the fights on, played poker. We have, I don't like to call, like, they're not necessarily parties. We have had parties. up here. We certainly have, but we have, like... I would call them parties.

Yeah, we have parties here. I would have parties. And, and like, yes, so, Sadra, this is his apartment. But I live here. I've been living here for like four or five months. Where do you live, Lucas? I live in the shoe closet. Do you know how many Haitian kids?

He could help with those fucking shoes. Sondra has a room full of sneakers. He could feed the whole country if he sold those shoes. But yeah, we're on the 42nd street. It's crazy. I don't know, I feel, I find myself in the craziest situations. Like, I'm always, like, I'll, I'll, I'll be in the lowest position and then something crazy lucky will happen. In terms of life or living here. Like, life. Like, I'll be at the lowest spot in my life and then something crazy

will happen. Like, Sajra, well, it seems to be like that. That's how it goes. I don't know how much. I'm 23. I don't know anything about life. But that's how it seems to go is you go low and then something happens. And you're low and something happens. Like, man, I'm looking for that thing to fucking happen. You're just begging for it. Sometimes the thing that happens you get like a free croissant.

Like sometimes God, damn it's not worth it. My friend died. Life isn't worth it. I don't know why you're going to get bad. The funny thing too is I took a couple days off work this week.

And then part of me is like, I got to push through, but I deliver mail. I'm like, there's no way I can cry. You deliver mail? No, at an office. You guys are impressed by two things.

Oh, you and I haven't have the same job? He was telling me about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought that you were like a postal worker. No, no, no, I deliver mail throughout a building, like an elf. That's a great, yeah.

That's a great gig. But I'm like, I told my boss, I was like, I could push the day, but like, I can't just be crying and delivering mail. I'm like, here's your package, Mr. DeSalman. You know what I mean? It's like, I can't. No, you can't. You can't cry at work. No.

I have, but you can't. We just have sunglasses on. What's going on there? I'm like, nothing. Totally not fucking crying. The only time I've cried at work was when I was jerking off in the bathroom. The only time I cried at work is when I caught. you jerking off in the bathroom.

There's two people crying and screaming like an ET, we're Elliot season for the first time, and they're just like, ah! The tip of our dick's touch with a little white. Have you guys ever jerked off at work? Never, no. Or a school. Really? Never did.

No. Okay. Well, I worked into school, so I couldn't do. So I did all the time. No, yeah, no, I don't think I have, I'm trying to think I've done like a dick rub because, like, I was, I worked at a place and I was, this is back when I

single and I was sexting with somebody and then I was like starting to get a little I was like all right I've never like totally rubbed my elementary school because I was leaving I was I want like a guns out. Were you in the elementary school or middle school? You're in middle school. Oh, I said you know he was in middle school

but he was jerking off in an elementary school. Um, I jerk yeah, I worked at a grocery store when I was when I was 19 touching people's It was third it was third shift, uh, the night shift. Doesn't matter what shit. Don't say what shit. Why is that fucking was serious?

I was a fucking shelf stalker and I got bored. So I went to... Did you wash your hands with soap after? No. And then I went and then I went stocked the fruit snacks. So many kids have touched your comments. Oh, these gushers aren't white, are they? It's more of yellow, but...

What's wrong with you? It's more of like a light green, right? What colors are you guys come? Green cum and ham? Okay. This is a point where I bring four topics. I've said this if we ever run out of ideas. King Kong versus Godzilla.

There's a movie coming out. I saw the trailer this morning. It's not even, okay, so real talk, it's not, do we want to talk about this? I don't give a fuck. I don't care about anything at this point. Let's do it, fine. Sounds like your friend died.

You brought it up. If you want to talk, I'll say it's impossible. It's impossible. Godzilla is 500 feet tall. King Kong is 25 feet tall. I feel like they made them look bigger. for the movie. It's not how... It's part of the body positivity.

Is it in New York? Is it in New York? Probably. I heard that they're not going to set them in New York anymore. So we're looking at the Empire State Building. Like, I feel like in the movie, they make him smaller, right? Because he could climb that. Like, but if he's as big as Godzilla, he would be as tall as the Empire State Building. No, 25 feet. Yeah, he climbs.

Yeah. That's... How tall is Godzilla? 500 feet. How tall is Empire State? I don't know. You know how tall Godzilla is? What the fuck?

You seem mildly autistic. I haven't seen movies about the Empire State. Empire State building. He was bigger than it. Godzilla was. He was bigger than Empire State from the movie. Yeah. Okay.

I've never seen a movie. Yeah, but, well, he's in, Tokyo, right? Yeah, it's in, yeah, Japan. Oh. I don't want to,

I don't want to see it. The Godzilla. I don't see it. I don't see it. You're trying to do a World War II vet. You're like, never again. I don't want to see him.

I don't say Japan in trying of me. Yeah. You guys are looking at me like, like, keep going to go. It's a good talking point. Yeah. Let's talk about your fucking friend. No, no, no, no.

What's your second point? Because I haven't seen the movie. It looks great. Well, I mean, but just, I mean, we are, I don't think we touched on it. But so this penthouse is on 42nd Street, Times Square's right here. Yeah. The Empire State Building's out here. It's been a hub of, of comedy since COVID hit because it's so loose.

You know what I mean? Sadra is like a, he's a great guy. He is. But he's all right. He doesn't think it's real. He doesn't think it's real. I don't think he does. I'm just kidding.

He's the craziest guy. He's the only guy I've ever met who's never had anxiety. He has no anxiety. No anxiety. He has no worries. He is on all the drugs and not feeling an ounce of anxiety. Dude. It's crazy.

But like the ones you would. So it feels like on a bunch of Xanax. You'd be like, I get why he's like. But he's somebody's going to the airport on a bunch of acid. I'm like, that sounds terrifying. He and I ate the same amount of pot brownies one time. And I literally was having a panic attack for three hours. And he was like, bro.

I'm like, are you feeling what I'm feeling? He's like, no, I'm good. What the fuck, man. He's really smart. He's a really smart guy. I can go two ways, right? I think some people are really smart and they freak out on drugs, but some people are so smart that they're like,

this is just acting on my brain. Unless he's a doctor, so he knows how it works. Some people are so smart, they know exactly what's happening in their brain and with their body, and so it relieves the anxiety. And then some people are so dumb that they can take so much acid and it's not going to be spiritual at all.

Yeah. They should be like, oh, this is... What scares me with drugs and I like, I like, I like, I like, they do a tab acid and they're like, yeah, if I could change me and I saw things, it was like, I think that's in your head.

I think that was there before the acid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I've done a lot of acid. I think you can learn stuff about yourself. Sure. But, I mean, I can learn stuff for myself from this weekend in Key West. Exactly, exactly. That's the vision quest for frat bros.

It's Key West. You go there and you come back and everything hurts and everything smells. Yes, true. My thing was, I was so funny because I was saying, I have a girlfriend. I'm loyal as fuck. We get it, dude. But it was so funny, we were at the airport. And I saw these girls eye in me and I'm like, I must be looking good.

And I realized, I'm just sure. shit-faced at the airport. And I'm like making a scene. I literally went to the wrong airline three fucking times. I was like, can you guys just help me? I'm like, I can't find my ticket. I can't print it off. Like, what's your name?

And I'm like, Michael, good. They go, come with us, Michael. Come with us. And I'm like, Michael good. And it's not, it's supposed to be like, oh, that's the wrong. And they're like, oh, you're at the wrong airline. And I was like, okay. And then I go over the next one.

Same conversation. I'm like, I, the machine's not working. I can't figure it out. What were you flying? It was like American, but I went to United. I went to like jet blue. Like I was way fucking off. I was like,

you're just trying to get on any plane. Yeah. I was like, just get me out of Florida. Oh shit. Dude, that's the best after like a long psychedelic trip is coming out of it and be like, oh, I look awful. I smell like shit.

I need to go home and like shower and go to bed. I love that feeling. I really do. When I first moved in here, me, Sajra and Nathan would do acid literally every single weekend. All the time. Like multiple times a week.

Yeah. And I would, I was do one tab because I don't like to go that deep. Sajra would do like six tabs. And he'd be like, I'm good. You're out of your mind, dude. Dude, that's nuts. But he wasn't.

One time we came in here and he was pretending to, not even pretending, he thought he was eating a bowl of cereal. Oh, dude. There was no bowl. That was a Halloween. That was a Halloween. That was a Halloween. There was no bowl in his hands.

He just thought he was eating. I was like, you're not good. That's such a funny, normal hallucination. It's not like he's seeing like weird patterns and shit. He's like, that's just a bowl. a cereal. Well, the bowl was on the counter. Yes, but not in his hand. He thought he was holding it.

It's like, I always love the idea of like a normal delusion. Like I saw this woman walking, pushing like a carrot. I thought she was talking to herself. It's hilarious. This woman's so crazy that she thinks she's just like a normal house mom. Oh, yeah. That's her level. But she had a blue-to-thead. So that's what was like the issue. But I was like, how funny

that be if she's just like going to book club? Yeah. She's like in an alleyway, like, eating trash. It's crazy living here because like I didn't earn this. apartment at all. Like, I didn't earn this. I disagree. I think you did. I think your years of drunk driving and doing drugs has earned you this apartment. But like we have this, this show and Sadra's gone for a month. He's working at his hospital. And people, I love saying. I'll just say, they're like, yeah, now he's going to go back to a hospital. That's who's working on you. How is he not? We're just not going to tag him in this.

Yeah, yeah. I say we do. Wait, does he care and say his name in the podcast? As long as like, we don't tag him. His last name. He's his last name. We do. We do. but yeah we just we always allegedly all these druggies done is allegedly but no one's gonna yeah I only allegedly saw that yeah as long as we don't tag him in it but but people like people I don't know come up because it's a it's a show we want audience members and I'm like oh is this your place and I'm like yeah but it feels weird saying it's so funny just have to yeah yeah yeah because you live in a room with sneakers and you don't have a bed yeah yeah yeah he has a mat are you kidding yeah he has a mat have you see my futon

half the people I tell about this apartment either think it's very impressive and the other half think it's so weird they just think it's like sketchy you know what I mean and I live with them no no like the whole situation it's like the spottime square

it's a doctor it's like free you can do whatever you want there's shows here there's poker here half you just has to run tests on you and stuff he's all vaccine trials he is a butthole doctor so that's how I pay rent he's like I need to figure something out

I need to run some clinical trials you go get in there buddy you just get on your side. Get in there. This weird is on your side because I had to go recently. I thought I was going to put my legs up like I was getting a diaper change.

No, it's on the side. Yeah. Well, I guess like a doggy. I would enjoy the diaper change more. Right. It would be kind of fun. It would be nice. Yeah.

Ooh, you're dominant. Yeah, yeah. It's something fun, yeah. Now, this is a cool placement. I think it's going to get shut down within six weeks. Yeah. But I think for now it's a fun place.

We, like, yeah, last night, we heavily enforced a mask rule because we knew pictures would get taken. Of course. And yeah, it will... Pictures have already been taken from the mics. Yeah. And that's kind of... I mean, do you guys mind? Like, if you're on social media without a mask?

I don't care, but like, there's this whole group of comics in New York who, like, are, like, freaked out, like, they freak out over it. And I think it's just because they're not getting booked on these shows. I don't think that's it. Yeah. I will... There are some very funny people also who... I think a lot of the very funny people are being safe right now. I don't think they care that we're doing this. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. I don't think they're jealous. But there are people like you go to the Facebook group and there's people like complaining about people calling us assholes for running these shows. Oh, are there? Yeah, really. For sure. I haven't seen that.

Not us specifically. Oh, but people running shows. Anyone running indoor shows. Well, of course, man. Everyone's divide. There's so many really good comics are staying in right now and I don't blame them either. I don't make you anyone. It makes you wonder how.

It's like, I'm in balance. I'm like, dude, if you want to stay in, I don't. think you're any less of a comic. I think you can come back when things are safe and you'll kill it, right? Of course. Yeah. You're funny. Yeah, exactly. But my thing is I only have the issue with the people on both sides who are like, oh, you push, you and I can do it. Or people on the other side that are like, you're killing people's grandparents. I'm like, no, you're not because if that's the case, then every time you've gotten a cough, somebody with AIDS has died. Yeah. You know what mean? Because that means anytime you've gotten the flu, you've killed somebody with AIDS. And that's not

like the logic behind it. It's like, that's just, you know what I mean? And it's also like, If you're going out, like if the person who said that is going out to grocery stores, even to the park, like, you're a risk. You're a risk for older people as well, just as we are. Yeah, exactly. And if anything, like, man, I go here and my place and a few select friends places. Yeah, it's always the same people up here. It's pretty insulated. Yeah.

I only go to bachelor parties in Key West. You can't chill everyone. That's the thing is so funny because I was thinking about that. It's like I felt, you know, I was kind of worried about it. And I'm, I fuck it. I tested twice this week. My work tests me twice a week. So I'm fucking fun.

Yeah, both negatives. You go both positives. Yeah, positive. No, but like, have you had it, Michael? No, and it is fucking wild. I haven't. Because I was in Florida for five months doing shows almost every single night. What time was that?

June, July, August. You're in Florida. Yeah. And then, what was I saying? And then I go out of QS, I started feeling guilty. I was like, maybe. And I'm like, wait, no, this is Key West. Nobody, I'm not going to be the one person that comes in and gives people COVID.

This whole city has been open for four months. and there's been strip clubs open for like literally five straight months. So I'm like, I'm not going to be the one. Like, yeah, maybe, you know what I mean? I'm not bringing New York COVID from New York. That's how I felt. I went to Tennessee in September for some shows. And I felt the same way where I was like nervous.

I was like, am I bringing the, you know, COVID to Tennessee? And you see everybody else acting, you're like, no. And you go to Tennessee. Yeah. And you go to the first night we went to a bar and there were 30 people in there no masks. And I go, oh, I'm fine. Yeah, I'm not the issue.

I'm not the issue. No, every show, every bar, every hotel's a maskless. Yeah. It's the South. I thought I had COVID so bad this week. And then, turns out we were all just dehydrated, like everybody from the back.

It was like not even kidding when I said like a four-day hangover. Like I got the IV thing. Have you ever done that? No. No. You IV water and vitamins. Oh.

I've heard of it. Wait, you put water into your blood? Yeah, that's what they do at the hospital. Oh, really? There's like IV bars where they... There's oxygen and water.

Isn't that bad for... It's oxygen and blood. Like, you go to the bar and then they put an IV in you and then you drink. Oh, I didn't know about that. Wow. Wow. there's an IV.

That's very counterproductive. Wow. Because you don't get a hangover the next thing. But I did, I did. They actually kneel an IV. Yeah. That sounds so unhealthy.

You still can't. It's, I realize that like those things are helpful, but then I, you realize how much damage you're doing to your body. Wow. They give you water and vitamins and you still feel like fucking shit. Are you doing other drugs on top of it? I went twice. I did once in Key West.

I went once here. And one of my, one of the bachelor party guys went three times this week. That's how bad the hangovers were. Everybody thought they had COVID. It's. This sounds. sounds awful. Yeah, our lives are like destroyed from this weekend. Yeah. I'm surprised you're like smile. You're in a good movie. Yeah, yeah. Well, I've slowly just gotten, you know.

How long have you been back? Since last, uh, I guess, uh, last Monday. Oh, okay. I thought you came back like, like, yeah, you know, it's fine. No, no, no, I've been tested twice. Okay. Yeah, yeah, you're fine. Yeah. Do you like that a weekend that's just like, it's so good that it turns bad? No, I can't do it anymore. You'd rather just stay okay, casual, a little bit of drinking. I'm cool with one night that's crazy, I can't do, like a, maybe a two-day beach trip where we get there at night and then we drink all the next day, but like, I can't do it anymore. Because, like, my hangovers and my panic attacks just get so bad that I'm like, I, it's just not worth it for my brain.

I mean, it's fun. I love it, but. I had to have a talk with Sadra about because he. Does he not get hangovers? No. He's a maniac. I hate this man. But yeah, right.

Yeah. He's been a nerd for his whole life. And now, now he's the man. You know, we have these, since I moved in, I've been facilitated. these parties, introducing to people, and he's going overboard with it. Like, now he's like, every night, I want to have something. I agree. I'm with you.

The way that you introduced it was healthy. You're like, no, a couple times a week. We'll do some shows here, some mics here, maybe poker every now and then. I saw it every night I get a message in the group chat. Hey, we're doing a thing. Every single night. I had to talk to him, man, like, hey, man, I live here, too, and I can't handle this. The sneaker room.

The sneaker room. The sneaker room. Can we talk about the theft that's been going on at this apartment? I had to make an announcement last night. Did you really? Yeah, I'm like, hey, y'all, it's like, um, after,

after S.B. I'm like, y'all are welcome to hang. We're going to put the fights on poker. Uh, just don't steal anything, please. And I,

I feel like it makes me look like an asshole. But at this point, I have to announce it. I don't think it does. So much shit's been getting stolen from here. I mean, Sondra is going along with this. Anything like, the weirdest is it just like,

the weirdest is when, like, random shit gets stolen. You're like, why is my bag of jelly gone? I don't have. Bag of jelly. It's mostly like our alcohol. I had some weed.

Alcohol and cigarettes. I had some cocaine get jacked. I think you lost that. Probably. I don't know. But we had toilet paper was like the one. I'm like, all right, come on, guys.

Yeah, it's not cool. He stole a whole, like, package of toilet paper. You can get it for like a dollar. I bet you Sajra has a good toilet paper there, right? Nope. No. Awful toilet paper. He's the cheapest rich guy.

He should know. He's the cheapest rich guy. Not very cheap, yeah. Yeah, truly. It's interesting. I was, I don't know. Stealing shit's not cool, but that's not a hot day. I'm just like it's that cool to see.

I don't know. I'm, I'm, I'm be the first one to say it. I don't like stealing it. It's also hard for me because, like, my parents, like, I wasn't, like loaded, but I had like a comfortable amount of money. So why are people stealing? I'm like, oh, yeah. You have the face of comfortable amount of money. Yeah, yeah.

So it's hard for me because I'm like, dude, why do people steal shit? I'm like, oh, yeah, I guess people. They need it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, same, same. You forget and you go, oh, they don't have it. Yeah. I'm also, like, good at managing, like, whenever I don't have money, like, I used to go to the dollar store and just make, like, fucking garbage meat. Because I care less about, like, meals and I care about, like, getting alcohol into my body.

Same. Okay, well, not that much, but. I'm very much a minimalist. Like, I don't need a lot to be happy. Yeah, you've been living here. All your stuff is somewhere else. And you've been living here. Actually, today, I have to go get it.

Really? From my ex-girlfriends, yeah. Wow. How long have you and your girl been together? We got her in the studio here right now. Four and a half years. Holy cow. How old are you?

24. Wow. So you met in college? Yeah. 24 in free quiet as we met. You go, I'm this met it. Yeah,

we met college. Yeah, it's been going well. That's sick, dude. Yeah. I'm about to go see her after this. Yeah. She's been up here for a couple parties.

It's really nice. Yeah. Yeah, it's so funny, though, because comics are such fucking, like, they don't know how to, like, some of them do know how to talk to girls but some of them you're talking about that they just swarm

so it's like I'll bring my girlfriend to do a comic party and you have like nine comics trying to talk to her and I'm like I don't get jealous but I'm like stop. Yeah yeah

I was like yeah I was like yeah I was like yeah I remember for the Halloween party she brought a bunch of her friends up here yeah and this is the night Sajder was straight up hallucinating

and he was like trying to hit on them yeah he's like looking at the wall I still couldn't walk so everyone like left to go walk downstairs and her and her friends stayed up here with me and Sajra and Saja was hitting on them and I had to like do damage control.

I'm like, yeah, he's a good guy. Yeah. The first night I came here, Sajra was hitting on a friend of mine and it was so, because he was failing. Like, he was really failing. This is just a shit talking Sartra Bokens. I love this man.

He's a great guy. And we're all leaving and that friend of mine is putting on her shoes. And so I hear Saja out of like the, like behind me, he goes, so I heard you're into cooking. I remember this night. She goes, no, not really. And she leaves. It was so funny.

No, not really. Was that Caroline? It was. It was. You know Caroline. Oh, yeah. I don't know why you just, you really opened your eyes.

I was like, oh, yeah, Caroline. I remember that night. Yeah, it was the first night we did the open mic down there. But do comics don't, like, I'm part of, like, I don't know how to talk to women. I'm better now for sure.

You know what I mean? But some comment, they're bad. They just stupid. Don't wink at me. I wasn't winking at you. You're squinting. You don't believe me? I'm, Rebecca, I did great today,

didn't I, talking to you. That's my girlfriend. You know what I also? realize about talking to it. I think that there's a relationship. You know how women have a certain relationship with gay guys? I think I bond with lesbians more than I do, straight women. Okay, yeah, keep going.

Just one experience. One experience. I met a lesbian this weekend, and I was like, fuck, yeah. I don't know, we just hung out. You think it's because your tits? I do have some man tits going, yeah. It's all good. Sorry.

Yeah. Lesbians, I don't know a lot of lesbians. I like a good lesbian. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll be out there. I think every lesbian's a liar. They just haven't had me yet.

Yeah. Exactly. Yep. Somebody has a good bit about that. I forgot it. But yeah. You have good bits, Michael. You're really good at stand up.

I genuinely mean that. Thank you. Holy shit. Yeah. You all are funniest shit too. Really Michael good as good stand up. Thank you. Shit.

Hell yeah. Boo. I wish my parents fucking listened this podcast. That would be sick. You came on my podcast. You were talking about your girlfriend's parents not thinking you were funny. How's that gone? I hung out with her aunt and uncle a couple weeks ago, and that was cool because I slowly was getting them in there.

And I was like, all right, I got a joke here, joke here. The odd uncle is where you get the jabs in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because everybody's cool, but, like, it takes a second for me to, like, warm up because what am I just going to randomly be like? So I fucked your daughter. You know what I mean? It's like it's a weird.

That's a weird relationship, your girlfriend's parents because you're fucking their daughter. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Do you like them? Do you like them? them. I like them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're good people. They're fun. Yeah. I, uh, I met my girlfriend's parents over Christmas. Like, I met them for the first time and it was fine. Um, and I, and I stayed there for a few days and we were like, was weird because like, we were sleeping

in the same room and we were like having sex. We don't do that. We got a Christian house. And we genuinely don't do that in my house. And I'm like, her girlfriend's sleep in totally different rooms. Do sneak out? Really? For real? Like, give each other a hand job or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You give her a hand job. That's an expression. People are like, is it? Is it? Is it? It's so weird. Well, girls say jerking off for masturbating. Girls say, I've heard. Yeah, they jerk off.

That's disgusting. Instead of being like... He's like disturbing. They can not be allowed. I like it better than like fingering. That sounds so weird. Well, licking the bee is disgusting. You don't like that?

I like flicking the bean. I don't do it, but I like saying it. You don't flick the bean. I don't flick the bean. So we stay in the same room. Like, I just met her dad. And now, like, he definitely knows we're fucked. I'm fucking her.

100%. I think you're just like some total pussy. He goes, my daughter's not going to date no pussy. You better go in there and fuck her good. You're a fucking her? Yeah. She seems unhappy.

You better be fucking her. This conversation I have with my parents. I go, dad, you fucking mom? She seems unhappy. That's the weird thing about the southern accent. All incest porn is never Southern accent. No, and it should be. Exactly.

Speaking of, do you watch it? Because it's... Yeah, of course. Yeah, I don't need the step in there either. I know they're actors. Of course. Yeah. Everybody's not really...

That's just a step towards you admitting you want to watch it's s-porn. Don't throw that bullshit in there. You know what I've been getting really into? It's cuck porn. I really like cuck porn. I watch it. You know what?

Audience, I watch cut porn too. Charlie Dawson, I watch cuck porn. The problem is there's such a lack of variety, though. It's always... For me, it's a southern white couple and a black dude's fucking the wife. And they're old. You guys ever...

Yeah, yeah. But you're also bi. So, like, for you, there's a lot of bi cuck stuff because I'm not by. For me, I'm like, it's a sharp turn... I like all of it. I like that's a thing. I've seen some where it's like,

like the, the, what's the bowl? That's the, you know it. Come on. I was gonna ask, what you call it?

He goes, help me out, guys. I was gonna, uh, y'all ever been the bull? Anyway, um,

uh, so he'll like fuck his chick and then, and then he'll be like, now, now you suck my dick, like to the cuck, to the cucker. Yeah.

And see, for you, you're probably rolling with it. But for me, it takes a sharp turn because I'm like, it doesn't, for me, I'm like,

And dudes suck in each other's dicks, but I'm like, maybe if I fast forward, it'll, like, go back to that. But then that relationship's already established in my head, and I don't know why it... But it's, like, less of a gay thing, more of, like, a humiliation thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not only did I fuck your girl, now you're gonna suck my dick. And for me, for me, it's like, oh, it's three people having sex. That's what I like. Genuinely, that's why... As a bisexual person, I'm like, it's three people that are pleasuring themselves.

Like, I like that part of them. See, I like, the thing I like is, I like the girl being a bitch. I don't know why. If the girl's like, I don't even care about my boyfriend, he's watching. And I'm like, that's so mean, you're hurting him. I kind of like that. I don't know why.

You like being dominated in bed? I was in, like, here and there. Like, I switch. Like, sometimes, like, dominates. Sometimes I like being dominated. But, like, sometimes the meanness is just hot, the fact that she's just like, I don't even. Yeah. I'm going to forget your fucking birthday this year.

I'm not even going to give you shit. I was in a real life, um, cuckold situation. Were you really? Where, yeah. Was it when you were a boy scout? No. No, no. It was like, you got a badge for it?

It was like two years ago in St. Louis. I met this chick at a bar after a show. And like we started making out, she's like older. I have a mom thing. I have a thing for older women, mom types. So we're out in the parking lot making out. And I'm like, okay, your place or mine. And she's like, well, I have to get permission for my husband.

And I'm like, okay. She's like, and he has to watch. I'm like, all right, where's he at? I was drunk. I was like, let's do this. Please tell me he had a painting with eye holes cut out. Or like a two-way mirror. It turns out it was the senator of Missouri.

What? Can you say this? I don't give a fuck at this point. Why didn't you try to blackmail this, man? I can't. I have, yeah. On some old phone, I have so many naked pictures of his wife. So it turned into a thing where like once a week he would pay for a hotel room, pay for drugs, pay for

alcohol and her and I would go on a date and at the end of the date we'd go up to the hotel room and he would already be in there and then we would have sex he would watch and he would never he never jerked off or anything he would just watch i like to think he wore a suit and then smoked cigarettes in the room too he's like hmm glass of scotch with two ice cubes and then we would finish and he would get up like kiss her tell her i love you and then leave us in the room oh and i'm like what was that about like he didn't even jerk off or anything and she was i was not fucking you good enough he wasn't I didn't even into it. That's what I expected.

Dude, I thought I had like a good. She's like, no, he, um, he, he,

he, he, he, like, does very aggressive. She goes, yeah, he hits me.

Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. But she, it's like, in a sex positive way? Yeah. Yeah.

Um, but she told me, she was like, the only way this would be better is if you were black. And you go, you go, yeah, you too.

Yeah. That's weird. Yeah. It's weird. Yeah. It's weird. Because, like, I'll watch cuck porn.

I would never fucking, not in that in real life. You know, there's things in porn that you watch in porn, but you're like in real life. No, never. Yeah,

of course. But it's, I don't know, I don't know if it's racist, but I don't like watching cuck porn with the black guy. I don't know what it is. Well,

because it's inherently racist. It's like, yeah, I feel like it is a little bit, right? Yeah, it's like, you're black and it's wrong. Yeah,

yeah, right? So I'm not racist. Fuck, I mean, the Haiti stuff was definitely racist. For sure. We're working on it, guys. I care.

I care. What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good? Oh, I love that. Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. I've seen the picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cool. Yeah, I take it pretty seriously. So a long time listener, first time being on. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff important that I like watching that I don't think I'd ever take part in. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know? Like women.

Yeah. No, just like the section general. I go, this is interesting. I don't think I can do it. I'm not one of these guys. It's like watching sports, Jack. I could never. I could never.

It's just missionary. It's literally missionary. There's no way. How do you even get it in? Yeah, no, I don't know. I think, yeah, I'm trying to like, I'm glad that I've finally, because I grew up, I used to always jerk off and thought I was going to hell like every time. Yeah.

And my parents never taught me that. I was just like, told, like, my parents. parents were religious, but I was never, like, taught, like, you're going to go to hell. But for some reason, I was like, they're just being secretive about that. Yeah, yeah. Imagine that your parents being scared. They hated you and wanted you to go to hell. Yeah, jerk off.

Dude, but when I was, like, my friend, he told me if I ever think, I was in, like, fourth grade. And so I was dumb. And he was like, if you ever even think a cuss word in your head, you're going to hell. Yeah, yeah. Dude, that threw me for a loop. Yeah. And I smoked a cigarette. I was like, fuck.

Yeah. I was like, fuck. Yeah. I smoked a cigarette. And I was like, oh, none of that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, one physical time? I go, oh, I'm fine.

Yeah. You know how much, I was talking to him with it's like, you know how much of a dick God would be if he gave you all these urges and was like, yeah, you're going straight to hell. Right? Why would he give you them? The test, you failed. Yeah.

This is the hardest test to possibly do. And all you guys, he's like, I like sending people just straight to hell. That's like, it's like, what if God just was like a dick here's over it? He's like, yeah, hell. Everyone's going to hell. I don't care anymore. There's literally three people in heaven. He's like, this is chill.

You guys are cool. I don't want to get overcrowded. It's an exclusive. One of them is Hitler. He goes, that was a bad move. Yeah. Never jerked off, though.

Never jerked off. Never jerked off. Hitler got in heaven because he never jerked off. Man, and he, clean mouth, never, never sweared. He never cursed. Yeah.

But it was such a gross feeling. And then, like, yeah, every time I jerked off, I'd be like, I'm going to hell, that sucks. You still have that? You still have a little bit of that? I'm not even kidding.

As an adult, it like, slightly. And then I, I used think this thing was happening where I thought if I jerked off, I have obsessive compulsive disorder. So I thought if I jerked off, I'd have bad luck. But then some days I'd have good luck.

So I was like, maybe it's a certain number of times I'd jerk off because I'm fucking insane and I have OCD. But then I would always fail tests. And I would be like, okay, if I jerk off even number amount of time and then I'd do it three times by accident, I'd be like, I have to go to four. And then I realize, I'm failing tests because I'm just spending the whole day masturbating before and not even looking at the material. It had nothing to do with God punishing me or anything.

Not at all. Yeah, God. God's OCD and he's like You jerked off three times He's like not four You're failing this test Michael He specifically says you I don't know how much more clear I have to make it

I didn't know you dealt with I deal with a lot of OCD too It sucks dude It sucks It sucks because I'm at the thing Where I have to label my OCD It's like a name And the first thing is they were like

Oscar and I was like I know Oscar I like oh I like I like I like we can't use Oscar So yeah My background My background says fuck Melvin Because you have to like Yep

It's annoying you have to tell you Have I have the A lot of the intrusive thoughts Yeah yeah it's like you're a fucking piece of a shit. And I also have a lot of that's, like, when I was a kid, it was like, okay, if I jerk off and I failed the test, and I, you know what I mean? I had a lot of those things, too. And it's torture because

like, none of it's true. None of it's true. But your brain is so convinced it is. And then it's like the worst, I have the confession of OCD where I feel like I have to tell, like, I have to tell things. Can I pin in that? Same thing. When I was a kid, I used to every day after school, I get in the car and I'd tell my mom, I'd go, I saw three bras and two pairs of underwear.

Like, everything I saw that was dirty, I'd tell her because I felt like I had to. genuine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And people are like, you don't need to be saying all this shit. She told me, she goes,

you don't have to tell me. Yeah, yeah, she's like, you're trying to turn me on. Yeah. Because it's not working. Oh, yeah,

you saw some underwear today? She goes, want to make it four? Yeah, yeah, it sucks, man. OCD sucks, dude. It sucks. It's so funny

because, like, the worst thing is I hate when people get mad when people use it. So, like, I think it's totally fine to use it as an analogy. And people get so pissed

about that. They're like, how dare you say your OCD about something that's so incensed to people with OCD. It's like, if I say I went to Taco Bell and went to war with the toilet, nobody's like, oh, really, you think that's like being in Vietnam? I'm like, no, I know there's a fucking difference. Insensitive to people with IBS.

Yeah. It's a fucking analogy. It's like you can say your OCD about shit, but it really fucking sucks. Sucks, dude. It sucks. Do you say I am OCD or I have OCD? This podcast, by the way, took such a turn. Just from like rape and molestation to be like, dude, mental illness, it's tough.

Yeah, we've got to work on it. It goes hand in hand. I say I have it. I don't like saying I am because I think I'm more than that. Yeah. I don't know. I've never had. I also never,

like my parents weren't religious. Like, I never had any kind of religion in my life. So I never felt that guilt. Yeah. So I was just jerking off all the time. Yeah. Just willy-nilly.

Just fucking at work. Maybe you needed a little bit of that. I probably did. Maybe a little bit of guilt of shape. Yeah. But religion is so interesting to me, people who grew up religious. Like, I'm fascinated by it.

See, not religious. Like, I think there's a god. I, like, I half and half pray. I'm like, a universe or a god? Like, like, not like a dude with like a beard, but like, like a, like a power. Like, I think it's there, but I'm like, I don't know if it's there. But like, I still am crazy fascinated by religion.

You were a religious? No, not at all. Really? My parents from a young age were like, listen, we don't believe in religion. It's bad. It's not good for the country. You told me you're Jewish. I'm technically speaking, my blood is Jewish. Your parents are like Jews are bad. My mom is Jewish. She doesn't like Jews. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Looks like me. Your mom has a lot of comments. She's one of the good ones. Um, fuck. Um, no, I do get fascinated by it because it was, it's so not a thing in my life.

And I feel like it makes me lack a certain amount of discipline. But so when I meet someone who is very religious, I love talking to them and like figuring out why they do the things they do. And I think sometimes they think I'm being an asshole like, oh, like, I think it's a structure thing. A lot of it,

even if people who are raised religious, if they don't believe in it, in adulthood, it's still structure. So they stay with it to a certain extent. I have none of that. Yeah, I don't, yeah, you're a structure? You got a lot of structure? No.

I got none of the positives of it. I just got like the guilt and shame. He just, fucks kids. No, I think, I think, like, being nice to people and stuff. Like, I do think there, Christianity gets a lot of shit, but there are some really positives about, like, forgiving people and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I was always, well, that's just morals.

And I was taught morals. Yeah, yeah. See, I wish I was just taught morals. No religion, just morals. I've got a good moral code without religion. I disagree, but... Yeah. Jerking off.

What kind of grocery store was it? Yeah. It was a chain in the Midwest called High V. Ivy. That sounds like a chain. It's like a food mart. Yeah. Yeah.

It was my first real job. Yeah. And then your last real job. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, religion is, it really is fascinating. I kind of want to get into it.

I was thinking about... Dude, I was reading the Bible because I like, I'm not like, fuck, Christianity because I think there's lots of positives in it. But I was like, I was having these kind of arguments about it because I grew up with it. And I was like, well, I don't agree with this. And then my dad's like, have you read it? And I was like, no. So I started reading it front to back and I got 10 pages in it.

And I just never went. Are your parents are Catholic or the Christian? My dad's sort of non-denominational, like not as specific. My mom is Catholic, but she's kind of loose. Like my dad's kind of like, we're all going to. Yeah, she's loose. This is what Catholics are known for. especially when they're kids

yeah I will I think it's been one of the funniest episodes but this is definitely been one of the most offensive episodes it's always whenever I come on if you're sorry I don't know why I took an offensive turn

but we had this year's totally fine I had Charlie on my podcast and we got flack because we said retard about 20 times and half of it was me yeah yeah and you wouldn't

you would just keep saying it you're like oh by the way you are retarded oh man I think we're moving in a different direction. Yeah, well, that's the euphemism treadmill. People are like, you know, that's like the whole point, right? So the whole argument is that retarded is going to become not offensive.

Oh, it's coming back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a big way. It's the micrib of offensive language. It's a shamrock shake. Everyone's like, please. I'm waiting for it. We only have like 50 years so we can say the N-word also.

No, I'm just, I have 10 minutes. I mean. What's a podcast? How loud, I mean. But the whole thing with the word retarded is like, you know the word idiot, moron, imbecile. Those were all the politically correct terms for people with mental disabilities.

Really? Yeah. And then once people started calling their friends that, it kept changing. So we're going exactly, this is like the thing. Yeah. This is like the word retarded was literally the kind word for like years.

Yeah, yeah. And it was like what? It was the idiot of now. It was. Yeah, yeah. But then eventually idiot became so unattached to people with mental disabilities. When you say idiot, nobody's like, oh yeah, now I'm, thinking about the special, you know what I'm not.

You're not. You're thinking an idiot. Just an idiot. Yeah, exactly. So, like, what's going to happen is the word retard, I think, hopefully will eventually just mean something totally different. Well, it won't mean something totally different. Well, it does already, but people, I don't know, people want to be offended right now. It's kind of crazy. It's true. A lot of people, it's funny. A lot of people want to be offended and a lot of people just want to offend right now as well. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of comics, when I see them up there. I'm like, that's good, but you're just going for the offensive. That's all it is. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a way to, I don't know, there's a way to do it.

like I like doing it in a way where I say something offensive, but I do in a way where I look like... Or you also mean it. No. Where like I look like the idiot. Like I don't like I do in a way where I make it seem like I'm just totally unaware that this is offensive. And I think that's the proper way to make that shit.

Like, what's an example? Like, give a joke. Still running, right? I swear to God, if we are I think of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a joke. I don't know. Should I just do the joke?

Yeah, yeah. So this is a perfect example of a way. You better. a fucking bomb on this part. A way of saying something offensive, but making you look stupid. I say, I'm not racist, but I've done some racist things. Recently, I walked into a Chinese restaurant, and I ordered karate lessons, which I know sounds bad, but they kicked me out so fast.

It's like someone their new karate. Like, that's a way of making me saying something racist, but I'm the idiot. The whole point is you're stupid. Yeah, exactly. A lot of people are like, you would laugh. It's annoying that, like, you could laugh at what a racist character says something in a movie. But then if you say it on stage, you're like, oh, he believes that.

It's like, no, sometimes you're just playing a character for, like, a quick second. And, like, you're not laughing. Like, this is my thing. It's like, if you have 15 minutes just on Puerto Ricans and why they're bad, I might think you're pretty racist. Sure, sure. But if you have, like, one joke where, like, the joke isn't, you know what I mean? The joke's laughing. The joke is you're doing a character of, like a racist guy.

Yeah, yeah. And some people are like, well, how about you say you're doing a character? I'm like, well, sometimes that takes away. Yes. But obviously, I don't, I'm also not bothered by people who are offended by that because I'm like, oh, you don't understand what the guy's trying to do because he didn't do it good enough. If he did good enough,

you know exactly what he's trying to do. Yeah, I used to do this. Like, I'm by and I have jokes about on stage. And sometimes I'd be like, yeah, being by is the best choice I've ever made. It's a silly little line. And sometimes it gets a laugh if people get, I'm doing like a character of a guy who would say that.

But when it doesn't get a lot, when people think I'm serious, it's me not doing it good enough. Yeah. It's on me. Yeah, but people have gotten, like, mad at it before.

Yeah, that's not a choice. You're like, I know, I'm bye. Yeah, like I had, yeah, one of my ex-girlfriends was so, like, she didn't understand that kind of satire at all. And I would make, like, these off-color jokes. And she would be like, but she'd have to check every time. Like, you're not racist, though. I'm like, no. And why are you asking me that?

Every time. And I remember I tried to show her, I was slipping through, like, Netflix and Blazing Saddles was on. Great. And I'm like, I'm like, oh, you've never seen this? This movie's great. First five minutes, you know, they drop like three in bombs. and she's like, she's like,

this is disgusting. I can't watch it. I'm like, you don't understand. They're making fun of when that was acceptable. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're not like pro N-word. Yeah, yeah. They're mocking it. Yeah, exactly. And if anything, that helps take power away from it.

Be like, look how fucking dumb these races. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. She couldn't, she couldn't get it. She just heard the N-word

immediately got offended. Exactly. Yeah. That's what I hear when I hear rap music. I'm like, they're saying it all the time. I'm not comfortable with these people.

I hear it every other line. They probably voted for... Yeah. I always try to tow the line with... I don't give a shit. Listen, listeners, I really don't give a fuck who you voted for. Half my friends voted for Trump.

Half them voted for Biden. I don't give a shit. I believe some family members of mine voted for Trump. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Illinois, man. People, I voted third party. People fucking hate me.

Everybody hates me. You didn't help anyone. No, people hate me. My favorite is both... whoever loses, the other side gets pissed. Like, if, if, if I voted for Hillary last election, I voted third party this election. Who was third party this election? Joe Georgison, because I support women.

God damn it. But it's like so funny because like if Trump would have won, everybody on the left would have been like, you fucking threw your vote away. But because now Trump lost, people were like, dude, you could have, I was like, I wasn't going to vote for him. But I also, I don't like Joe Biden. You know what I mean? I'm kind of like, yeah. Imagine a guy voting for Hillary for all the wrong reasons. She's like, yeah, she's pretty hot.

They go, they go, her husband was pretty rad back in the day. I used to have this joke like the election happened. I was like, I didn't feel. I was like, I couldn't decide because I fucking love both of them. I was like, just good guys all around. I was like, 1994 Crime Act, my shit. Muslim ban, my shit. The day Biden got elected, we did a mic together at the 7th Street place.

And I went up and my first line of the mic was, fuck Biden. Yeah. And I'm killed. Yeah, yeah. I'm also like religion and politics. I'm so detached from both. Dude, same. And it's so funny people try to bring it on me.

And I'm like, dude, I'm an idiot. People are like, you go to third party. You're stupid. I'm like, I am stupid. I'm not going to inform myself. I'm going to be a waste of space. People try to like pull power.

Like, you try to pull rank. Like, you need to be informed. Like, no, fuck you. You need to be informed. Yeah, exactly. It's so much just unnecessary stress, I feel like. Yeah.

I don't know. People call that, like, people will get on me about that. Like, they say it's white privilege. not be into politics because we don't have to be necessarily because stuff's not affecting us. But I don't know. I also feel like it's just, if you're just a good person, it's just, shit might change. I also like to exploit my white privilege whenever I can. It's disrespectful towards other races if you're not using it, right?

Yeah, exactly. Somebody has a good bit about that. I forgot. Me? You? No. No. I'm talking about my dad on stage.

That's all it is. Where we at with time? We're at 56, man. minutes. I think that's good. Is there anything you guys wanted to plug besides your butts? Yeah. Check out my podcast. Monkey Don't. Michael and Charlie have both done it. They're great episodes. It's a fantastic podcast where people send in their real life problems and me and my co-host, Nathan Orden, give you the worst advice possible. It's on the Helium Podcast Network, Spotify, iTunes. Check that out, please. I'm on Instagram a bunch. Follow me at Charlie's Anglers. Oh, you just changed that. Just changed it. Yeah.

The old one was clunky. It was really bad. Charlie's Anglers. That's hilarious. Charlie's Anglers. And then way too zesty. TV. I make sketches with my friends.

They're really funny. Check us out on Instagram. Yeah, that's it. Oh, I'm at Hinder Luser on Instagram. Hell yeah. Thank you guys very much. Take it in. Thank you, sir.