Morning Good - Don't Let Him Tell You Not To Say It - Episode 98

Episode Date: July 17, 2022

Thanks to Kevin and Matt for joining the show for the first time. Make sure to check them out and follow them on social media for more. They both co-host a show at New York Comedy Club called @prohibition_comedy.Matt's on IG @realmatt_mccoy and Kevin is IG @kevinmcgloinnAs always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are. What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. Yep. All right, and we're here with Kevin McLean. That's me. And Matt McCoy. Yeah. Wait, wait.

All right, there we go. Dude, we could have got, I've got a whole episode where one person just not talking. Really? They always have the hottest riffs. It's not like I could just edit them out. Dude, the second I fucking sat down,

I realized I needed a shit. I'm a holding, I'm a hold it. I was just about that. Have you ever had anybody come over here and shit in your house? Oh, immediately. Yeah, Leo C was in here one time. He starts, dude, he starts playing like hardcore rap music

and he's like, bro, I don't want to have you hear me poop. And I'm like, it's all those chopped cheese in the Bronx. Yeah, yeah. It was just funny because I'm like, he's so hard to impersonate because he says the N word every sentence. So that's almost impossible to do his voice. It's the most fun impersonation too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, no one's watching. Go ahead, take a cut. For the Patreon. That's a funny. You ever hear a podcast where they beep the N word and you're like, the whole, everybody still knows.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, why did you beep that? Because everybody knows, everybody already knows what you said. If you said, yeah. I've never seen that. And honestly, I would love to see that. Not like, we need to get these beeps out of town. But they'll be like,

the song Beep beep My favorite thing I saw is okay Do you know the song Hood Nward by Gorilla Zoh? Oh Rich

I'm Hood Yeah yeah I'm let's just sit it right now Yeah I keep the pert by the pound Yeah yeah There was a DJ in Orlando When the

Whatever Texas school shooting Just happened And I was listening to And he had the instrumental To that playing While he was like Yo shout out to the families out there

Guys everybody's going through A hard time I'm like wait He's saying that over the instrumental too. Really? You know, it's like in between songs. They'll have music play.

Wait, do you... Have you guys seen that, uh, that new documentary on, on HBO about, uh, the festival that was in upstate New York? And it's, it's basically about how big of a debauchery it was, like, and just it was fucking fire festival. No, not that one. It was, uh, fucking, uh, Woodstock? Woodstock.

It was this, oh, yeah, you know, Jess Levin was in there. Just Levin was in the, yeah. So I'm watching this. And, uh, DMX gives a, uh, a, uh, a pack. to like 20,000 people. He was going every inward. He would just be like, boom. And then you just see a crowd full of white people just fucking all this.

I was like, yo. Well, also like, I feel like we have a little bit of amnesia with like, I feel like, I feel like the last six years is when it was like, yo. I mean, it was never cool. Yeah. But like, I mean, I've said this little podcast. Wasn't cool. Saying the inward is a white guy.

I don't know. I don't know. Back in the day, it probably was pretty cool. Dude, I, I've said this openly on the podcast. I would say it with Soft Day in high school all the time. Yeah. I'm not like proud of it, but it's like,

it's one of those, one of the funniest things that have it. I'll just fucking say it's one of my friends, when I stopped using, it was one of my friends, I was, when I stopped using like it's drugs. It was,

yeah. Dude, we do talk about it. I'm two years clean from the N-Word. We do talk about it like it was LSD in the 70s. We're like, it was a different time. We were experimenting with different styles.

But, uh, no, it was like, I was quoting somebody. I said it. and one of my black friends was like, hey, man, that's not cool at all.

And then another one of my black friends was like, he told you not to say. He goes, don't you ever let him tell you what to say? You understand that? He's like, don't you ever let him tell you? I was like, dude, I just won't say it. But he's like, yeah, but it was just the funniest thing because I do, I do have some friends in Florida.

You remember to read the N-word, like, in high school, like, or in, like, English class? No, my college, like, I'm telling you, like, I had this kid, he would fuck, people, like, were nervous about saying it. and you'd be like, read the text, read the text, and this, like, we were reading it. And he wasn't like a Southern kid.

He was just, like, some little tweevy kid. Like, I guess he was passionate about, like, Mark Twain or whatever. Yeah. That was one dude who had it in all his books. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, that motherfucker said it all the time. Oh, for sure, yeah. Well, that was the word at the, like, there was no other.

Like, I don't think they used the term black people. Like, that was only the word. Or they do colored people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, uh... I wonder if they're going to study, like, John Gruden emails one day. Yeah. It's like, you gotta read it.

That's what I wanted to make a video. You know how the celebrities apologize for saying like the N-word in the past? I want to make a sketch where I apologize for saying it in the future. Like I'm like, I bought a time machine. Turns out I say it. That's good actually.

But then have like timelines. These are timelines where I don't say it. And it's like World War III like Holocaust part too. So I'm sorry in advance. Right, right. I have to. But it is time I got cut off on the road. I'm sorry.

Yeah. Well, the thing is like it's like an easy. obviously like now it's like yeah you can't say it but it's so funny because it's like one of those things that like I have friends now that are like just say say and I'm like yeah it's you know it's like it's like I was just about to ask you did did you ever say it and like when you were saying it back in high school and like a black guy called you out for saying it no no no dude I literally I got I would unchecked for years just like saying so dude I ask only because I so I grew up in well at the end of high that's what at the end of high school is when I got

like I think it was like seen year that somebody was like. What year? What year did you graduate high school? Last year. It was like 20. He's like, I could just stop saying it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was like 2015. Okay. All right. I feel like 2016, 2017 is when shit started. When Trump got

elected, that's when it shit. Because like, oh, dude, you watch old comedy and white people say it all the, like, as a joke, they'll say it's like, I mean, Louie. Louis had a whole fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like Will Ferrell and like a ton of, like, the South Park guys would say it. episodes as a white character. I mean, I feel like I was saying your career is going to get on track and then they're going to surface videos of you in like high school.

Oh, yeah, yeah, right as you started to get some fucking traction. But that's the thing. It's like you can't, you shouldn't fuck a high school because their brains are developed. So then to judge your decision making. It's like, you know what I mean? And I just, I am bothered by the amnesia where people are like, oh my God, can you believe that so it's like that was like, if everybody around you says this is okay. Yeah.

Then there's no party that's going to be like, no, I'm going to know otherwise. It's like, yeah. Or if you grew up where I grew up. Which you grew up just about to say. So, dude, I grew up in Missouri. And we went to an all-white high school. And, like, there was one black guy. And basically in every, it's like the weirdest token thing.

One too many. And fucking. And, like, immediate apology. I need that too. I'm like, I'm sorry. I don't hate Chinese people. You do. You have, like, it's a joke.

But, like, no. But we would have guys who, like, just say the inward openly. Because it was like the sticks, bro. It was like some crazy shit. Right. It's like hard ar. Hard are. And like, people would show up.

way that I would say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and but they would like show up in like Confederate flag trucks like shit like that, you know what I make? It was crazy. And they would say the N-word and then like the black guys would look at him and I'd be like like, like, but they were because they were so outnumbered by all these fucking Hicks. See that, that's shitty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we had it where like Chinese kids were calling each other the N-Word. It was just a very, it was like, yeah, it was almost like meaningless. Ford is different. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, it's also like, that, that may have been. Chinese kids, I feel like in New York's. in New York, they're, they like, want to be black the most.

Yes. Like, I was not a thing where I was from. I mean, I guess some people were like that. But, like, yeah. Because, like, I literally had one person just tell me soft. It was acceptable. So for, like, four years, I was like, these are the rules. I was told them.

That's what I was told. Yeah. But now, you know who wanted to be black more than anybody? Your boy, I used to wear bucket hats, like fucking L.O. Cool. Cool. Oh, really? It was embarrassing. If you go back and look at photos, it's fucking embarrassing.

See, I think I had the opposite thing where I want. black people to like me, but as me, but it's still seeking approval. I like just, literally just recently stopped getting, not recently, but like, you know, four years ago, it's like, all right, who care? No, you still care. A little bit, but like, you still want that black love. A little bit, but it's also like, I don't know, they're only 14%

of the population. If I could get the other, what is it, 85% to like me? Is that the math? Yeah, yeah. 86. Yeah, yeah, that'll be fine. Yeah. That's a Florida math right there. I can have one. Yeah, dude, we have horrible. That is funny. to like want a whole race to like you.

It's like it's just impossible. It is. But it's a different kind of love, dude. You ever like killed at a club with like black people? Yeah, it feels better. It's just the truth. Yeah, yeah. Because like a bunch of broie white guys like my comedy,

I'm like, oh, okay, you're the demographic that's going to like. You know what I'm like this isn't anything new. I knew you guys were going to like me. Your hats backwards. You're doing coke in the bathroom. You're going to like what I have to say. Right. Yeah.

And I think they have that expectation about us to, like, majority of white guys or I guess like on let's be real here like on average black guys are let's be real brothers

nothing good I was just like nothing good coming after that on average players black comic I feel like black guys are funnier than white guys

100% on average I think so it's like they come in with that mindset when they see a white comic like this very well might be corny like bullshed

but when you do win them over they're like it's like a real like respecting like oh no No, you're actually got something like... You're one of the good ones. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there's also a thing where, like,

there are some black lineups that will purposely book a shitty white guy. Like, I didn't notice that, and I heard real talk about it. I'm like, oh, that's kind of a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's the part of the show where we all just laugh at this motherfucker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I've, I think there was one show where I think I was that. Like, I was like, I was like, oh. I was just about to say, now I'm like, thinking back through all the lines. I'm like, fuck, is that happening? That's happened to you, though?

I don't know for sure. I did one show in Connecticut, which I didn't even know there were black people in Connecticut. Hartford, buddy. Yeah, I guess. I know nothing. I'm so foreign to Connecticut.

Like, I grew up here, so it's like, I have no. And I was like the only white guy on it. And they were just like, they were obviously just like roasting me in the greener. I'm like, what I wasn't like? Oh, me, find of me. And they got in the lineup.

I was like, wait, they've never, I don't even think I sent a tape. And then I was like, this is where I just asked somebody about the show. And I was like, you're the diversity portion of the line. Yeah, yeah. They're like, we gotta have one. Yeah, we gotta have one.

Oh, my guy. Yeah, that is a tough question because, like, a lot of people, it's like, I have that people ask me when I was, like, selling tickets for the pair. I like when I just stopped, like, two weeks ago, parking. I'm like, back when I was a barker.

But people would ask you, they're like, oh, how diverse is the lineup? And that, that does get weird when you're, like, counting them. You're like, we got a Filipino, we got a this, we got a that. Yeah. I get that from girls a lot.

I feel like girls always ask, are there going to be girls on the lineup. Well, I mean, which I get. Girls are the whole, like, the whole, like, push for diversity. It's all girls. It's all white women. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like, like, black people don't actually, like, care about a lot of this shit or get, like, angry about a lot of this shit.

It's just, like, white women telling us. Also, the audience can't see you. You are part Asian, so what are your opinions on it? Well, as a half Asian man. As a representative. Yeah. As the chosen diversity. No.

It's weird, though. By the way, I was just realizing you're the only Asian man that's been on this podcast. Wow. Yeah, let's keep it that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, like, I kind of have a joke about this, but, like, there are people that just, like, they're like, oh, this is a white guy.

I feel like I'm still truly like a white guy, majority of the time. Except when I'm, like, I'm applying to an Asian festival, and I'm like, oh, this is just great. I love AAPI month. Like, please just, like, book me. You have one of those straw hats in your tape. Just like, over the top.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes by peeing on stage. No, he just, he just, you know, he just. did this one he did this Asian festival in San Francisco when we were out there bro not a festival show our show yeah yeah yeah that well well no no no it was an Asian pride show because we went out there during San Francisco Asian gay pride yes okay yes and so I got booked because it was just an Asian show um but then the booker was like hey it's also a pride show are you gay I was like no he's like all right I'll still put you on like whatever

and I'm barely Asian yeah I'm barely gay barely gay you know only a time or two and just like you need to hold their head this crowd's hands through like everything like oh really oh man you could hear groans and shit i was like it's one of these yeah but i feel like those crowds though if they're not groaning you're fucking not doing the comedy you should be doing as as like guys like us yeah for sure but also like it is interesting because i kkK members yeah yeah for our yeah but it's funny because like it is one of those things where like the worst though is sometimes i'll judge the audience to be like oh they're going to be pussy's with this joke. And I do the joke and I'm like,

they laughed and I'm like, oh, I'm an asshole. Because I just saw this girl with blue hair and I was like, she's going to suck. Right. She probably did, though. It was everybody else that was laughing. Did you be surprised you. We had, yeah, we had, I did one pride show and it was like a lot of non-binary and lesbian people. And my, like, to be honest, I stereotype and I'm like, they're going to hate me. And

I went up and then Alan went up and the lesbians were like clapping for Alan. I'm like, all right, this is, yeah. Yeah. See, and that's, I think that's just the cynicism of every comic though, too. Yeah, yeah. Where it's just like, oh, they're going hate me. Like, yeah.

This happened last night. I was at a show and, like, Sarah Harvard said that. And I was like, man, you don't know. Maybe they will and maybe they won't. And they did. But, I mean, she was right. But like, I mean, they hated a lot of people. So, but yeah, man, I mean, it's just like, you never know, man.

It's like going up there. Like, it's a fucking crap shoot. Yeah, yeah. And the worst is when you think they're going to like. I've had that before. I don't like me. They're going to love me. Oh, that's the worst.

Yeah. I think, I think honestly, you should always go in like, yeah, they might not like me. Because you come in with the lower expectations. Oh, for sure. Yeah. The high expectations is the fucking worst. Oh, yeah, 100%. Where did you grow?

So you grew up in Missouri. Grew up in Brooklyn. Oh, okay. During a better time. No. Yeah, I'm older than you guys. I don't even know if you know this, Mike. I'm 37.

You're what? 37. Oh, they said 47. I was like, holy fuck. 37, bro. Drink of that adrenachrome, you know? Yeah, you look great for your age. I know.

Shout out to the cue. Hell yeah, dude. No, but that's what I'm saying when I said I wanted to be black is because I grew up. when fucking Eminem was like coming up. So like, yeah. Yeah, that's why like the whole like, I want to be black. What happened to him?

Man, it's like, I treated like it's a tragedy of Eminem. Like, it's to me. When he got murked by MGK, I was like, you're dead to me,

though. Yeah. Yeah, kind of, bro. I mean, they had like a little battle thing and it was like embarrassing. That MGK was pretty cringe.

Oh, dude, he's the worst. You ever see him in that, in that, like, uh, like,

he was with his agents or whatever, like, in a conference room. and he did like the 90s like rock out scene where he like literally started standing on the table like strumming a guitar and like just like ran out of the room

as they all stared like I was like dude is this real like this person's real he's fucking Megan Fox like yeah she always looks embarrassed when she's with him so I'm really confused what's going on there I think she's like weirdly she may be on the spectrum she's kind of odd well she's got those

those fucking toe thumbs yeah I don't care about that I mean I'm not saying I don't care that you're saying it's positive perfect to fucking stick right up there. Up your bum, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, no, he's weird. And, like, I feel like he's trying to be, like, I feel like

he played, was it Tommy Lee? Who do he play in the, and he, like, he's like, oh, did he play him on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in his mind, he's like, I'm like one of these guys. It's like, no, you're not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, like, those guys kind of, I don't know, kind of, that kind of stuff died out, unfortunately. It's like, there aren't rock bands that are just, like, fucking shit up. Like, Kanye's the closest thing to, like, a rock star now.

Yeah. Because of it's, like, being off the rails, you know what I mean? because that's just what that's how you have to be now though you can't be normal now to stand out and get any sort of like publicity or like in the news you have to be crazy he didn't get like recognition for being crazy

no but that I mean no I mean he got recognition originally but long jeffity yeah I'm not talented yeah he's very talented but it also like but to stay in the news and like continually be you have to do crazy shit I guess or like fuck kids yeah but I mean I don't know yeah it's one or the other

yeah I mean, oh, guys, if Tommy doesn't go, you know how to do. What a rock star is like literally all of them were not all of them. A lot of them are pedophiles. Oh, I got to make a new rule, by the way. Anytime I bring up mentally challenged people or pedophiles, I got to do, okay, so I want to hear your opinion on this. Mentally challenged people, I'm going to start getting a box of crayons.

Yes, retarded. Whenever you want to call it. I, every time I bring up retarded people, I have to take a bite out of a crayon and donate $4 to Special Olympics. I love that. I don't have it for this episode. But what's the pedophile equivalent I should do for, like if I bring up. Because these two.

That's a good question, actually. But what do you mean by pedophile equivalent? So I bring up pedophiles and retarded people, like, oh, too much. All the time. Yeah. Oh. Like half. If you were to like search word, all my episodes, you would see pedophile, retarded, Down syndrome.

Oh, if it was like one of those, you know how like you have those words case? Yes. All these. Yours would just be pedophile and fucking retard? Yeah. What would be the equivalent of that to fight for like a pedophile, dude? Maybe a jet or like an island? But it's like you have to do.

You have to give a kid candy and not fuck them. Yeah. You got to resist the urge. Listen, I'm not, I'm not Jesus Christ. I don't have that strength. Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to think, I don't know what would be like, maybe donate to like a. A trafficing, like, fucking.

Well, we have the opposite of, like, whatever would stop kids from getting trafficking. Oh, right. You have to, like, interrupt. your uncle. How about this? You have to interrupt three Sunday Masses every week.

Oh, that's a good idea. Yo, yeah, that's not a bad idea. Or every time they're doing out the bread basket

where you put the money take money out. Fuck you, father. It is funny. You put in a photo of a child. Yeah, this is worth

$100 to him. So, you know, how funny if you should put a flash drive in there? This is good, give it directly to Father Andrew.

You'll know what it is. Oh, man. That's great. Yeah, I, uh, yeah, I don't know, because it's just all I talk about is those two things, like just for hours on end. I mean, what else is there to talk about in comedy? It's just like, retarded people would never not be funny. I'm sorry.

It's like, dude, I hate when people are like, it's not, it's fucking hilarious. It's so funny. It's so funny, you know, has a great, uh, have you seen his business out of it? It's so great, man. Like, and, but it is true. Like, they're so goddamn funny. They don't even try to be funny. They were.

This is how funny they are. So Forrest Gump, that whole movie's you're laughing at him. Yeah, it is. Like every scene you're like, look at the retarded guy trying to do this. It's funny. But they couldn't, if they really wanted to do Forrest Gump, they would have given him makeup to look like he had Down syndrome. But that would have been too funny that they couldn't have.

It wasn't just because it was offensive. Well, he already looks like he had Downs anyway. No, no, he has a really good Downs, like, face and acting ability. I think his face is too thin. Tom? Yeah. Really? Apparently, Tom Hanks is dead.

What? According to the Q. Oh, dude, I'm in on this. That's all this kid watches. This fucking... Apparently he watched Alex Jones. I love Alex Jones. Oh, I love Alex Jones.

He is the best because, like, my favorite is like, obviously he's out of his fucking mind. Yeah. But he's right. Of course. That's always how you cap the sentence about Alex Jones.

Yeah. But the worst is like, me and my girlfriend will get about it. She's like, yeah, he's just crazy. And I'm like, yeah, he's crazy. But he's ready about a few things. Like, I have to like all. I have to let you.

I have to add that caveat. I make my girl watch Info Wars clips on like a deal basis and she's just not about it and I'm like you need to wake up all right dude he's a beautiful entertainer like he's so entertaining

he's amazing he's like literally like when he's on podcast he steals like it doesn't matter how he could play a guy with it like the head structure he's got the wider neck yeah that's an evolutionary thing

for people used to be sexy out like kind of oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm telling you when he took his shirt off on the flagrant I was like all right he had something there yeah absolutely Yeah, but I'm saying the wide neck is like somebody with downs.

You know what I mean? They have the wider neck. It's evolution. They all big dicks, though. I mean, this is like hack. It's already known. But like, yeah, like it retarts have. Really?

Large cocks, yeah. There's a lot of, there's a lot of good things. God has to like even it out. Yeah. I'm just say the strength, they're fucking mad strong too. I talk about this a lot. I had this kid that I went to school with. And dude, coming up, he was so fucking strong.

We would just feed him people to like fucking boom, boom. And he would just be at the line. Feeding him people. I just picture a guy down syndrome like eating body parts. Honestly, he probably would have. He's a crazy kid. But he fucking would just smash people in like arm wrestling. Oh yeah.

And I'm talking like the biggest dudes in our school, like 240 like Hicks. He'd just be like boom. Oh yeah, for sure. It's a real thing. Like retard strength is a real fucking thing. Yeah, yeah. That makes. I've never heard the big dicks thing though.

No. Yeah. I've heard that. I've heard that. Yeah. It's the same way like like like lanky white dudes. With like negative chest. Like just nothing going on.

physically, they'll have huge and he also got to be kind of sad and yeah, yeah, yeah, like kind of like, machine gun Kelly probably pretty huge cock. Yeah, yeah. See, that's the only thing I think about when I think about the people at the Kardashians date, they all have to have huge cocks. Because at that point, those pusses have been like, so just run down and

fucking, I don't know if it works that way, though. Chris Humphrey's small cock, I'll say it. You think? Yeah. Retard, though. That he's being in someone who like the best retard of all time. Yeah. It wasn't. Yeah. Reggie Bush probably had a thick head. Yeah.

I also, I'll be honest. You know how you were talking about Gay, that's a little gay that's a little gay. What do you say about thick heads? You know, we're getting, it's a good segue. That is a good segue, dude, to that.

Oh, so. I was, you know how you're talking about comedians trying to force jokes into conversation? I tried so hard to force the big neck thing. I don't know why I thought it's funny. Because I was like, what if it's like an evolutionary thing?

Wait, guys, can we circle back to this? I've been trying so hard to something. I was thinking like, what if it's an evolutionary thing? because they eat so many action figures so that they're like neck so they could like digest.

They get a marvel type thing. Yeah. A little marvel. See, and that's what I was, I was like, wait till this hits. Wait till I throw this at them.

Kemp just said that. I've been thinking about it for a week. I'm like, their necks are larger. They could put more down their throat. I mean, they have a history of eating like marbles and stuff. So, yeah.

It is true. But, I love the way you just brought it to a screeching. Yeah. Car was moving the emergency break. Let me try this one. Dude, I thought about it for like five days, Mike. I got to find someone to squeeze that into the bottom down, though.

I think you should double down, dude. No, I love that. I love a good double down. But how do you double down that? They just have big necks and they eat toys. You circle back to it in 15 minutes and make it up again. Like their strong necks, because they have strong necks. That's right.

No, as we were saying, though, before you rudely interrupted. No. So here's what happened. And I only want to say this because I kind of want everyone on your Patreon to see my dick. I don't have a Patreon yet. Well, this will be the episode that spurns that. The Patreon. Yeah, we're a real needle mover. Yeah.

No, dude. So here's what happened. He said speaking of big heads. When we were in California, and we were... We were just in California. Just in California. There's some stand-up out there, you know? We're in San Francisco. Way to act like we do stuff. We're in San Francisco doing some, you know, shitty spots.

And that, no, it's... You were yelling at gay people. They were ruining our reputation. Yes. We went there during Pride Month. First off, San Francisco sucks. Really? It sucks. I mean, not just because of the Asians, but it just was, like, dead. Like, we were, we got done doing shows at 1120 on a Saturday night in the heart of San Francisco.

Go to a McDonald's trying to eat closed. 1130? Yes. So much, that's fucked. So much shit closed. Bars were empty. Like, it was just, it was not fun at all. And they all act like, oh, we're just like second below New York City in terms of fun.

and we were hoping during Pride Month to be crazy like, yeah, let's do fucking drugs with gay dudes, like whatever. Yeah. Sucked. Like, there was nothing going on. And the women were pigs. You know what's crazy to do? I love how you didn't need to add that.

And the women were fucking disgusting this fat bitch whores. How can I make this worse? They wouldn't even fucking blow me like a specific incident. They said, yeah, let's all go hang out. You don't want them to blow you over there. Jesus.

No, I think I would only say that if somebody denied blowing me. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't even want to get my dick sucked by you. Yeah. No, we... No, you can attest. They were grotesque over there.

Really? It was awful. But here's the thing, too, like, without there, like, it's a different kind of grind, too. You know, like, out here, like, where everyone has, like, a gig after a gig after a gig, and you just run from one thing to thing? Yeah. Well, if you have it. But, like, out there, dude, we would be like, oh, we have another spot. And they're like, I don't know if you can do this one.

And I'm like, what? They would... And then they'd suggest we just do one show. Yeah. Oh, my God. It was crazy, dude. Yeah. Well, that is a little bit of the thing in, like, some other scenes because they're like, oh, you're not going to stay for the whole show and be like, like, no. I don't want to watch comedy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But they'll be like, wow, like it's really tough to get there. It's like, no, it's like 15 minutes away. I could just do your show. It's like their idea of time was crazy. Yeah.

Well, it was also too. Appreciate everyone that put us on. Yeah, no. I don't. And a lot of the shows are good. Don't book me. I don't want to perform for a bunch of, he's going to be like, who should I ever reach out to when I go to Syrenton. I'm going to be like, well, you're doing that.

I don't do a show with a bunch of homos that don't laugh. I mean, come on. Is that, where does that fall on the spectrum of things? I love the word homo. Like, is it? Oh, it's good. Is it, can you say it still? I don't know.

I don't think you can. I don't think it's, I don't think you can. But like, joking me. I think you have to say the full word, homosexual. Homosexual, right, yeah. Even that sounds like old and scientific. Yeah, the homosexual man. What do you say?

The homosexual is a different thing. The homosexual is a different thing. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. He'll trick you Stay away from the homosexual. Yeah, he'll trick you into sucking his winner.

This sounds like an ad from the 80s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, literally. Be very careful of the homosexual. What they'll do is they'll get you. And they'll trick you out. He will get AIDS. Don't smoke the marijuana or else you become just like the homosexual.

See? I was thinking about this the other day, like, there had to be, you know that the YMCA's song? It's about like just banging dudes of the YMC. It's Trump's favorite song, by the way. Really? Yes. I didn't know that.

You know a lot about him. Yeah. I met him one time. Oh, shit. I want to get to that in one second. Yeah, no. I do have a lot on that. I want to hear that.

But I was thinking, like, that song rocks. I was like, I would never have gay sex. But if I was having gay sex, doing coke to the YMCA, that song would be like. Dude, I could go gay for a lot of things. But that right there sounds like a great time. Just like, young man. At the YMCA. On Coach too?

Young man. There's like a disco ball in the back. It's like in 1978. You're like, yeah. I don't even know when the song came out. dude. I'm telling you right now, you wouldn't be gay in jail? Oh, I would totally. Yeah, of course. Wait, you think I want to get stabbed?

Well, we're acting like we have a choice. Yeah, yeah. You know, we are going to be gay in jail because Tyrone fucking tells us. I'm going to be gaped in jail. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not gay raped. My anus will be gaping. That's what I'm saying. But it was also from gay rape. Okay. Yeah. Um, you were going to, you had something else you were going to say. No, I was just going to say, actually, things you'd go gay for? Dude, well, me, it's not. I'm being honest, dude, it's oddly, I'm pretty gay.

I mean, there's a metrosexual side to me for sure, but like, I'm... You got a great, great, great beard, trimming, great hair. Yeah, so that's already the signs of... He's trying to get more gay spots, you know? Yeah, on a bad move. No, actually, that's what they said to me in seriousness. Because I reached out the same guy, the producer, and he's like, are you gay? He's like, I mean, depends on the situation.

And he fucking, like, stone-faced. Like, they're not about jokes like that out there. We're like, dude, come on. Oh, man. Fucking comic, dude. Relax, man. That's so fun. Yeah, that's, I don't know.

It's like, I will never see eye to eye with people. I'm like, it's just, it's funny. Like, I don't know. It's always going to be. It's always going to be funny to, like, certain, to people who actually have fucking sense of humor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on, speaking of Trump, did you ever, like, you're from Florida?

Yeah. Did, where you're from, do everybody, does everybody love Trump? Yeah, so it's a mix. Well, Ronnie D.D. is fucking moving up. You guys are, you guys, because I'm starting to sense a rift between Desantis and Trump. And people were like, I won't fuck Trump. I want DeSantis. Yeah, people are hyped on him.

I think I loved what DeSantis did with COVID. In the gay stuff, too. Oh, that's my, that's my brother there. He's two reactionary. Like, you kind of make, like, Republicans, honestly, could have probably almost, like, gotten their shit to get. If they could just drop the gay and the weed stuff, they would be in the door. And the abortion stuff. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. They'd be in the fucking door. But the problem is them being like, oh, now I have to respond. And now I have to, like, be like, we're, our kids are going to not be gay. And you're like, I know, I know that. They just have to do anything that's the complete opposite of the other side. Yeah, for sure. And I'm like, just go in the middle.

Yeah, you would fucking win every time. And it's the same with Democrat. It's like, they would just be like, oh, hey, let's not, you know, force people to get, you know, I'm not. And this part of the podcast is sponsored by Desantis. It's unavoidable, whatever. It's like, yeah, they would have forced people to get vaccines and then freak out every time, you know. Yeah. Michael says the N-word.

No, I'm just kidding. It's a lot of vaccinated for Floridians. But it's a mix. It's like, I would... What part are you from? I'm from Orlando. But Orlando is very like metropolitan. I don't know, that's the word.

It's very classy, yeah. No, no, no, no. It's touristy. It is, I wasn't being serious. It is who I am in my core, though. I love fucking neon lights and fucking... Yeah. You do seem like a Florida guy.

No, why do you talk about pedophilia so much? There's a community of them there. There's like a... I'm sure. Yeah, yeah. It's probably the metropical. Metropical. I just had a stroke on your podcast.

Metropolis A rich falls on this pocket But they They So they It's weird So like half my friends are Republicans But I've got a good group of friends

That don't talk Paul Unless they're like having fun Like most of the time they're like I don't give a fuck What you think you know what I mean It's like I have friends And they're all Republicans But that's like

Well it's like I do have Some friends that are like full like socialist And then other friends They're fully Republicans Like listen Either way We're gonna do this cocaine It's on the table

Yeah yeah That's one thing we can all agree on Yeah So like below What's up? I used to be a huge coke it. Not huge, but I loved it. I love the energy of it.

I love the smell of it. I can see it. Yes. Did you ever, like, perform, like, do comedy on a bloke? One time. Did you do? The last time I did Coke, actually, yeah. Really?

Yeah, it was like, I think it was like two years ago. It was like one of those shows where you have to get drunk or you have to get drunk and then somebody's like, hey, want to do some coke before I did it. And it was horrible. I did last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seriously. You did Coke last night? And perform, yeah.

I feel like if you did. I love it. I feel like if you did Coke before you going on stage, you're, no matter what, even if you bomb, you're going to feel like you did

great because your confidence levels are so high. But like, yeah, but like, yeah, but you're probably down midset and you're like,

oh! You're like, you realize, you realize, yeah, yeah, maybe I need to talk to my father more.

Like, fuck. Dude, that was the worst. I had one coat come down where like, we're at the beach in Daytona and I do,

my buddy, instead of having a key, we didn't have keys on us. And he's like, just roll up a dollar bill and take a sniff out of the bag and I just snorted like half the bag. We looked out and we're like, what the fuck, dude? And I was digging my feet into the sand. And I remember just taking a hot shower and my friend was pissing.

I'm like, don't ever let me do cocaine again. This is horrible because they said such bad, come down from it. And that's why I stopped doing it. The shower sobers you up. Always talking. I'm asking for it. Whoa, I want to do something right now. I'll do it with you right now, buddy.

I haven't done it in two years, which I could help you. I have fentany all testing strips if you guys want one. Hell yeah, dude. Why do you have those if you don't do blue? Because I like being the guy that's like... Oh, that can add to it? Yeah, yeah. I still want to be involved in drugs.

Like, when it's like a big night, like New Year's, I'm like, guys, everybody gets your cocaine. I want people having fun, but it's like, I just don't... So do you... Did you stop doing cocaine and drugs and everything? Like, just dropped it. So, no, I smoke pot, I drink. I do adult drugs. I do...

Thank God. Do you still drink. So many comics are going sober now. It's hard to find... It's so gay. Yeah. My thing is like, I understand it if you have an issue, but it is hard to find people to drink with. Like, it's genuinely, like, I'm like going through my phone.

I'm like, who can I fucking drink with? I feel like a lot of people. We gotta start hanging out. I was like, you guys are like, I didn't say, yeah, for sure, bro. I feel like a lot of people, a lot of comics, they, like, want to have an issue, though, like, to have a story. Yeah, yeah. Like, did you really, like, were you really an alcoholic? Like, well, I hear some of these guys stories about why they quit, and I'm like, yeah, that's a fucking Tuesday for me.

Yeah. Like, what the fuck out of here? Like, I don't know. It's like, did you fucking run over? somebody? No. Yeah. You know, it's like, oh, I got a Dewey. Big deal. Yeah, yeah, it happens. And I think it's also like, yeah, they do get sober. Well, the one thing is it is hard to perform hungover. I agree. I haven't figured that out yet. And I think if you get good enough, you just, you're fine. Because like, sometimes I'll be hung over on stage and I'm like, oh. Well, it's just finding the energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all it is. Because sometimes I feel like brain cells are fried. Yeah. And then you're like, I've been doing this joke for four years. I can't remember it right now. I'm like, what the fuck, man. And if somebody heckles you when you're hungover, I'm like, just have me.

Bend me over and have me. Because when you're hungover, you are like, well, it's one of two things. Either that or you fucking go way too hard at him, you're like, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like when I'm hungover, like, I just like, I'm like, as a person, I'm just like a little bitch. Like, I'm just like, I don't want to do this. Like, I just want to lay down. I get the bullying thoughts where they're like, you're a piece of shit.

And I'm like, I guess I am a piece. Yeah, exactly. That's what it is. I literally can convince myself that I'm an alcoholic. I drink way less now than I used to. But just from being hung over, your brain is almost distorted. Like your thought process is like way off.

You're like, I'm never going to make it in comedy. A loser. Yeah. Dude, because I went out. That guilt, dude. Oh, my God. I went out drinking last night and it was like I was hanging around a club. And I was like, oh, maybe I can get a second spot.

And my girlfriend's like, you want to go drinking? And I'm like, you know what? I haven't gone out in a while. So I was like, I'll do it. And then the second I start drinking, I'm like, oh, man. Does your girl like to drink a lot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that's the problem with me too.

this bitch drinks. Yeah. She and her friends can drink more than I can. Oh, shit. So, fucking, dude, I remember when I first moved here, I couldn't drink much. So, like, I'd have two beers and be fucked. I mean, God. I mean, it's like porters, so it's like, yeah, yeah, 9% alcohol.

But, like, I would have two beers and be fucked. Her and her friend just boom, boom, boom. And so I was blacking out almost every night hanging out with these bitches. Yeah. Well, I used to, so I used to be like that. My thing is, like, a lot of comics I'll have these conversations where they're like, well, do you want to take comedy seriously? Do you want to drink?

And I'm like, listen, I'm going to do both. I'm gonna do fucking boat. It's like, I'm sorry. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like,

it's like, when I really look at my life, I'm gonna be dead one day. I'm gonna be like, listen, you don't want to go too far, right? You obviously don't do that guy that's hung over every day. Yeah,

right. Yeah. The thing with that, though, I feel like comics are like, oh, look at this great comic that's sober. Look at this great comic that's over.

It's like, they went sober after 20 years of being successful in show business. Like, they had a wild ride and that's why they're sober now. And it's like, you're her, you know, I mean, no offense, like, you know, you're fucking doing a mic on a Friday. Like, you can fucking have a beer afterwards, like, fucking settle down.

But it's also, too, it's also like, you could use that same example on them. You'd be like, okay, so Shane Gillis, I guess isn't a fucking animal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude drinks every fucking night probably. Even guys around here, you know what I mean? Like, yeah. Yeah, no, I don't want to name names, but like, yeah, like, there's people who fucking. For sure. It's like, one day I'm going to be on my deathbed and I doubt I'll regret getting fun.

Because I think about my high school and college and the time in between, and I'm like, dude, I, I love getting fucked. Like, I love it with a passion. Yeah. Well, also provides so many goddamn stories. Like, how are you even getting inspiration? Like, half the shit I talk about is shit that's happened to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, being around, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, no, it is helpful for that. And it's also...

It sounds like a bunch of drunks right now. I'm trying to justify. How do you even have fun? How do you even have fun with that booze, man? What the fuck? That was the best... I was in line with some, like, crazy woman. I attract crazy. Like, I was talking to this woman. She had a giant Chewbacca stuffed animal. And I was like, yeah, let me just comment on this.

Which is the dumbest. thing at my point. Like, this is a grown-ass woman. She's a Chubacahawked animal. And we're talking about Halloween Hornites. And I'm like, yeah, we used to get really drunk and go there. And she just stops the conversation. She's having fun. She's having a drink to have fun. And I was like, fuck you. You're crazy. You're having fun because you're out of your mind.

You have a chubacca stuffed animal. Half the time, though, too, mean, like these fucking people who say that, she would probably like a molly or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, you're substituting one vice for another. She's also going to pick up. Pain killer. She told me. She told me, she said, yeah, I don't take them. And I'm like, really, then why are you picking them out? I just fucking smoke, do blow, do coke.

Like, you're like, all right, whatever. And some people do get sober and then immediately become that guy who starts preaching. And I'm like, dude, it's like. Yeah. Like they all do. Yeah. It's like their new purpose or the like story to have. It's just like so fucking.

No, some people don't get an original. It is, it is hindermist though. Because I know a lot of sober people that kick ass. And like, they're like, yeah, they got their shit together. And I'm like, it's great you stopped because this was destroying your life. Yeah. But also, I guarantee you some of those states. If you have a.

have a problem problem though. Yeah. When they're saying it's, you shouldn't quit drinking because it's fun, you should quit it when it gets bad. Because I know a lot of people that quit and they're like, I was not having fun doing it. But like really bad though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like we've all like fucking made mistakes while drunk, but it's like, I'm talking real mistakes, all right? If it's not a real mistake, I don't want to fucking hear it. Yeah, like losing a job or losing. Yeah. Or like seeing the N-word on stage Michael Richards. Like that you fucking, I don't know if he was drunk.

No, he wasn't. Oh, for a second guy, I thought you're talking about Matt Richards. I was like, he's black. So good. Have you ever seen that, Michael Richard? Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's beautiful.

It's my inspiration. Hey, what comedians? What can we need to look up to? The high school Michael is like, that's why I do comedy. Michael Richards. My favorite was, I used to wonder when the Louis joke came out in comparison to that. Louis' N-word joke, the first one, came out after that. Which is awesome because he's like, oh, yeah, I'm going to say.

Like he was like, he was like, he could have pulled it off. I'm going to pull it off. Have you ever said some crazy shit in New York and gotten like a crazy reaction? Yeah, but also like only by other comedians. Not the inward, but I mean like just anything like most audiences are like cool. You could just get them on board. Like I genuinely, this sounds fucked up, but I stand behind to like 95%. Because Joe Clan's a different thing.

Like it's a different universe. It's like, it's very dumb to be like, oh, in Jokeland, you said the wrong thing. I'm like, yeah, well, I'm trying to be this silly thing. It's like, it might not be the fun. funniest thing, but I'm like, no, I don't think there's any line because I look at a lot of the comedy I like, and I'm like, no, this is good because it pushes the boundaries of what's... Because your thoughts are wildly fucked up. It's like, everybody has crazy thoughts about nonsense all there. So then to like, put that layer on where we're like, oh, now we're going to

shut this off and not say the things that we think are funny. It's like, I think people with Down syndrome are hilarious. Yeah. It's genuinely the, and it's not in a hateful way. I'm not like, fuck them, they're losers. I'm like, no, it's, it's, you know what I mean. Their eyes are funny. And her voices. It's funny. Well, see, that's why, like, like I'm so unimpressed with most comedy today. I'm just like, dude, you're just like saying agreeable opinions about shit. It's like, there's not even a, there's no

hot take to anything. There's no anything that's unique a lot of times. I'm just like, that's fucking, that's good. And it's not that it's not good. I'll be like, ah, it's just not a rich. Well, my thing is also topics, because I'm like, some topics are just boring. So fucked up topics by nature are interesting. Like somebody's can talk about racism,

genocide, uh, or like, to me, the, like, the, like, the Chappelle, like the trans thing. It's boring at this point, man. Like, we all get it. Like, we all get it. It's weird. Some people aren't used to it yet.

Like, yeah. You know, whether, no matter which side you're with on that whole thing, it's like, it's just not funny. It's just boring, you know? But my whole thing is like, it's like, it's more about topics because I get what you're saying. Like, I get bored when people do bits about, like,

things that aren't interesting. Yeah. But it's like, you could be clean, but have a bit about time travel, sleep, Abraham Lincoln, and I'll listen to shit like that. You always need to be clean, guys. I'm not saying that. It's inside.

But what I'm saying is, like, topic-wise, get boring. And then, like, talking about people that fuck dead bodies is just interesting by nature. You know what I mean? So it's, like, people that do push the boundary in those senses, I'm going to listen more because they're saying something interesting. But you could also see something interesting if you're talking about walruses or animals. You know what I mean? It's like. What was Donald Trump like?

Oh. Speaking of interesting topics. We talk about his cock first? Yeah, yeah. So we're brothers in this sense. We have a fellowship. I've gotten poison ivy. Yeah.

I've had a diaper. All right. So we were probably set the, yeah, yeah. So we were talking about how we were in San Francisco. And we also went down to L.A. afterwards. So we drove down, uh, decided to go down Highway 1 for the scenic route, held hands. It's beautiful. It's beautiful.

California is so beautiful. So beautiful. So it just, yeah, it sucks, but it's so beautiful. Yeah. But, um, we were driving down Highway 1. It's kind of just like you can't really get off Highway 1 once you're on it. You're just on the coast. Like, it's hard to get off.

So we had to shit and we stopped on the side to go into some like wooded area. I already know, but keep going. I can already figure out where the pieces are falling. So we walk in there, I go, hey, I just Brooklyn kid

doesn't know shit about nature but you're scared of it. So naturally I'm like, don't go too deep in there. There's probably poison ivy, poison oak, something, right? So I shit like people can, cars can see me shitting. It's like whatever.

I looked back in song shit. It was grotes. The kid didn't even sit down. He was just like this. You know what it is? You ever see the South Park graphic? You ever see the South Park graphic when one of the characters shits? And it's just like so like graphic.

That's exactly how my shit probably looked. But he doesn't take my advice. He goes all the way in there. This fucker sits. I think you sat on like a stump or something. You sat on a stump. And just like so the edge of his asshole was just so it could just let the shit out. You know what I mean?

Yeah. dude and uh very intelligent yeah on my mind i'm like yeah and so you know whatever we're comfortable too yeah that's a thomas we're done we're shitting and we're you know we're in l.a and then all of a sudden he's like i got this rash my balls it's you know whatever it's not too big of a deal i'm like well it's a big deal when you're telling your girlfriend for sure i mean well well first at first it wasn't too drastic and then it just kept getting worse to worse but i'll let you yeah so dude i think what happened actually is i think it got on my arm first. And I still have like the, see what I'm

Oh yeah, the scars. Oh, see, I've never gotten oak. I've only gotten my eye. It hurts, right? It fucking is super painful. Poison ivy feels good. So I've gotten poison ivy on my cock. It felt good when you'd scratch it. Yeah. It was like that. So that's like an asshole edge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you like have an asshole it and you let out a fart.

Oh, it's amazing. That's like, that's a, that's a Louis slash Dane Cook stolen bit. I like it. Credit both. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Made popular by Dan Cook. Yeah. But, mid-pop, mid-2000s, Dane Cook, made it come to fruition.

Which is the reason I started doing comedy, by the way. Dude, his, I remember I... It's probably a sad thing to say, but... This is how Florida I am. I heard Dane Cook on a boat for the first time. Really? Somebody was... That is the most Florida thing you said all episode.

Somebody's phone, their ox was plugged in. They're like, oh, check it out. This is Dane Cook on their iPod. And it was the Kool-Aid man bit. Because I never got... With Seinfeld, when I was a kid, I was like, who's this? fucking boring.

You're talking about it's like, yeah, and then I'm like, oh, some guy cursing. I'm like, oh, I use bad words.

Right. No, first two people I saw do stand-up, Chris Rock, and then Dan Cook. Yeah. We definitely have

fucking ADD. We went from into the, yeah, assholes. Yes, yes, let's get back.

Is it unprofessional by piss? I really have to go. Do piss. All right. I'll be back. Anyway. Try,

you know, try and keep this shit together. I literally, like, my shit kind of starts, you know, itching a little bit and so I did the same thing dude

you take a hot shower you think it's gonna make it better dude I was like well maybe if I fucking jack this dick it's yeah because it's it's so fucking bad so it only made it worse because then I fucking spread everything to like my dick oh shit and so dude

this look like Quasimoto and like in the bell tower like my dick I'm gonna show you picture on yeah I'll see your penis I'll see it no problem and it's not impressive by any means it's an average You just have it next to a ruler. I'm like, why'd you have to do that? But, dude, check this out.

How fucking crazy is that, fam? Oh my God, dude. Dude, your dick, you know what it looks like? It looks like a snake that swallowed a mouse. Yes, yes! And it's got like... Yes, that's exactly what it looks like, bro. Oh, my God.

I mean, this... And I mean, you can see the shit is all over my... It got way worse than that, bro. Oh, my God. So that was bad, but it got way worse. And fam... But it increased the size by four times, right? Yeah, but it looked good.

I could finally wear a magnum. Yeah. But it's like, but dude, my shit was like oozing pus and shit. Oh my God. And I knew it was fucked up because this, that shit was bad that I just showed you. But like when I went to the ER, like I knew it was fucked up and probably looked like a medical project or like science project. Like a project. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a project. And because the nurse and doctor that I showed it to, I pulled down. She's like, well, let me see it. And I pulled it on me. She's scooted back and she goes, oh, wow. Okay. She's like, and not impressed by the side

But like, just like, oh, this is fucked up. Dang. And I was like oozing pus on their table. It was like disgusting. Bro, that's why. How scared were you? I thought I didn't lose my dick, dude. That's terrifying.

And it was so painful. And this guy's just like, we gotta get to this show. Get it to get it again. I'm doing stand up and I could barely like fucking walk. Yeah, it was terrible, man. But it was. That sounds fucking awful. I legit thought I was going to fucking lose my dick.

I was asking him for like, like this is how much like medical professionals don't know dude I was like webmd suggesting thing because I told originally told the first guy was like I think this is poison he's like I think it's an STD I was like well that's impossible so and then he was

so they provides me medicine you told him it's impossible as an SDD yeah well I'm a condom guy yeah yeah no I was dude when I was single I always work on something like I'm the same I have a wife yeah yeah but I'm saying like I'm the same way I'm a condom guy yeah

not now I'm in a relationship but when I wasn't a relationship I always were a condom In college? Yeah. Wow. What a responsible young man you are. What are you gay? Well, I was always like so like, I was like, I don't want to ruin my life.

So I don't want to have a kid. Like, I was so obsessed with the idea. You must watch a bad AIDS documentary back in the day. I was scared of the best of years. College, I like, condom. If I had to wear a condom, I'm refusing. Really? Like, no.

You're silent protest. You sit down. Yeah. Cross your leg. I wasn't as bad as, I had somebody's who would like take, the wrap. They'd be like, all right, I'm going to put it on in the dark. Take the wrapper off. Isn't that borderline? And make it like... Yeah.

I don't know these people. I won't say names. Yeah, but... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do... Have you ever got an STD? No. No. Really? Neither about. I've got a thousand dick rash.

Somehow, somehow never got one. My current girlfriend now. She got tested a few weeks after, like, dating me. and I was like, she was like, when was the last time we got tested? I'm like, never. You've never been tested your whole lot? And I'm like, I'm like, she's for sure. That's such a guy thing?

It's like, oh, yeah, yeah. I for sure don't have anything. I'm like, I was like, she's for sure going to have something. I like this girl we're only a couple weeks in. This is for sure going to derail any sort of like momentum we have. I was good. I was good somehow. Also, like, I feel like it's like, I for sure have like whatever form of herpes that everybody has.

Like, oh, HSV-1. The lip stuff? Yeah, everybody has. 75% of people have that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like three and four. See, that's, I was talking about losing 14% of the black people that like me.

As long as I get the 75% of the baseball. Yeah, yeah. Then I'm five. That's a fan. We just start watching him out of the club now and half of this shit is just... Run to Sanchez. You know what you have a fucking rash on your dick.

I will say... How crazy was that, though? That was fucking nuts. Yeah, that was absurd. That's for Patreon, by the way. Now that we are talking about race, which we weren't, but I want to talk about this. I went to cafe wall.

I never would tell black people... You know about these. necks. No, we covered the necks of Downstairs. I think it's funny. Evolutionary purpose of them to eat. Whatever. Anyways. I think it's funny or they shit their pants a lot, you know, and that's wrong. Less chromosomes. There's all this shit we've talked about. That's too far.

The pants pooping? No, not funny. It's definitely not hilarious that have grown out of his pants. Nothing silly about that. Have you ever? A thousand times. Yeah, yeah. Probably more than a guy with Down syndrome. Yeah. That was my favorite. My buddy the other day was like, dude,

you're gonna eat Taco Bell, you're gonna get diarrhea. I was like, dude, I permanently have diarrhea. I don't remember others. It's just who I am now. I rarely have solid shit.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, it's become a part of me. Yeah, it's, yeah.

But as I was saying, I'll never tell black people how to act, but this time, I went to Cafe Waugh and I saw a black man doing a cover of Mumford and Sons. And it was just sad.

I was like, we stole rock and- How the fuck does he even know that song? It's, it's like, we stole rock and roll from you, and you retaliate by taking the lamest of our, I was like, Mumford, it's, it's just, nobody, nobody should be doing Mumford and Sons. And to see somebody that probably,

I saw him do other songs, incredible. And I'm like, yeah, I, I don't know if he was pandering to us because it was like, Cafe Juan, it's like all white people, but I'm like, I don't know, I just, I have a hatred of Mumford and Sons. Yeah, no, they're fucking terrible. Yeah, but Zuri, you know, Zuri Duren. Kevin's being awfully quiet.

I don't even know. Zuri loves Mufford and Sons. son's song. They're like the like, they're like the banjo playing. They're like, I'm out of wait. Oh, it's bad.

Oh, it's bad. Oh, I thought that was John Mayer. No, no, it's worse. Oh, okay. Yeah. He comes up. You know what he is? He's that perfect.

He's not too clean cut. He looks like he probably smells good, but he's not too clean cut. Because there's some guys can be too clean cut, and girls are kind of like, maybe he's a little too uptight, but John Mayer's got that looseness to him, but he's also like... I heard he's a douchebag, actually. Probably. That's what girls say, at least. The girls have dated him are like, he's a fight.

You're like, he only fucked me and never talked to me again. What a piece of shit. I'm like, yeah, what a garbage shit. Yeah, what a bastard. I'm sorry you didn't get married to John Mayer. Yeah. What you think was going to happen? And that's my favorite thing when girls, like, girls always go for, like, celebrities and people like that.

It's like, what do you think it's going to happen with this? You think you're going to get married? Yeah. What are you looking for? Like, because I think a lot of times they think they're going to get a relationship and be taken care of. It's like, no, you're just going to get fucked. Yeah, 100%. Yeah.

And that's like, you know what I mean? It's like, I don't think there's anything wrong with that either because, like, that's just what he's doing. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's what he does with everyone. Yeah, yeah. We're talking about, we're defending Cosby now, right? Yeah.

I zoned out for a second. you know what if if Bill Cosby did a Mumford and Sun's song then we'd be on board no I would be more ashamed of him of that then I'll be like they'd bring back saying the inward but it's like it's one of those things like I don't know it's like I feel like to see somebody

there was a good singer like this guy and then to see him do the lamest white music possible it was just like you think you was just trying to impress some white girls though because I would do this that's totally possible yeah yeah but I was like there's a doubt I mean do some pink or something I was in a pink that a pink is sick, bro.

You're giving me this look. Pink is badass. I like pink, dude. I mean, to, yeah, to smack. Like, if we were gonna fuck, yeah. Dude, it's... I bet she's wild. Oh, for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's nuts, yeah, yeah. And I like that. Her music's like, fuck you, fucking lick my pussy. I mean, that's not at all what it sounds like, but... I like music with passion in it. That's why I hate Mavit's sons. I like mentally ill women.

I'll say that. I like mentally ill everybody, though. Yeah. I'm attracted to mentally women, but it's like, as far as, like, entertainment purposes, I'm like, I want... and being around people. I don't like friends that are too fucking sane.

I don't know. Some people get kind of boring. Well, I mean, that's also because in comedy, 85% of people are fucking mentally ill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure.

But then there's like, too far, obviously. Yeah. I'm bad to somebody. Somebody's like, Michael's fucking annoying his shit. He's fucking about Alex Jones every other day.

Facts. What's that? What was the, you had a fun conspiracy theory you were talking about. Alex Jones. This is this kid has a, oh, Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks is dead. Yeah. So apparently, like, I guess before COVID, he went to Australia or something. And he's, uh, he's dead. Yeah, I don't really remember. It was a, I was drunk.

Great explanation. I watched it, I watched a Q documentary. What can I say? I don't really know. Was it by Q or was it about Q? No, no, no, everybody, I talk about this Q documentary. They go, oh, the one on HBO. No, no, no, no, no, shit.

I want to hear what they have to say. He's like, I'm part of the Patreon. It goes by, substact. It goes by, induced by, by, Jeremiah Q. Jones. I go, all right, my savior. Thank you. Wait, is he a black guy? No. I think he's the

shaman. He's the shaman that stormed the capital. I think that's him. Yeah, yeah. The guy with the Viking hat? I think that's him, yeah. But there is theories that he's like, that guy's really like an undercover federal agent, you know? Oh, I believe. I'm on board of every conspiracy. Yeah. Oh, the January 6th thing, like that was fully, like, they wanted that to have. I believe it's a sci-op.

Yeah. I think it was. Now, people are going to hate me. I don't give a fuck. I'm done giving a... 9-11 was Bush, too, by the way. I do believe that, too. I don't think it was him. I think the U.S. government knew it was going to happen, and we're kind of like...

Yeah. I believe that happens all the time. I think the FBI and CIA are so locked in and know the shooting. They really had the... Let's get into the shootings. Come on. Fake, all of them. Yeah.

Yeah, but... Okay, no, no, no. But the Tom Hanks thing, it's like... Essentially, it's really all these actors are pedophiles and... Hollywood puts them in these precarious situations to where they have this horrible thing over them. Because what's the worst thing you could possibly have on you? You did a month or you murdered a ton of people or you raped a kid.

And so it's like because these people have influence and they're very popular, it's like, we have this over you. We all have this secret together. So we all need to work towards one goal. If you step out of line, you're either going to get killed or are you going to get exposed for being up? All right. So I'm against pedophilia. but get off this fucking podcast dude it's 2016 yeah but but

but in New York I don't like to have a good time but in New York growing up here you ever seen some like Spanish like 15 year olds like here in New York

yeah I'm not gonna follow you on this I want to hear you out that's a right I should not that's a way I'm just asking as someone who everybody knows about

everybody knows there are All right, dude, we all know they're really hot, okay? We don't say it. We don't fucking say it. No, it's like, there are obviously people that could look 20 years old. They're genuinely. But that's what I'm saying.

I've seen, like, girls who look like they're 20 years old. And you find out you're like they're 16, you're like, Jesus Christ. But that also, I don't think that makes you a pedophile because you're attracted to them looking like a 20 year old. So you're not attracted to looking like an 18 year. Because you didn't know. No, I knew they were 16.

You know what I mean? No pedophiles. Like, oh my God, it's so hot that you're actually this age, but you look for it. You know what I mean? I guarantee you pedophiles are like, oh, she has small tits. She looks like a child. You know, that's probably the thing, yeah.

I doubt it's like, oh, this, thank God, I really, I think it's the opposite. I think a pedophile would rather bang a 25 year old that looks 15 than a 15 year old looks 25. I don't know about that. Let's call one up. I got a couple of matches. He just doesn't roll a day. We got a fucking Chris DeLeo.

He's fucking Orlando. I'm sure. They're fucking just waiting for someone to leave Disneyland to fucking sleep. Yeah, he's like, I love Disney. Dude, I bet you there's just like a fucking, yeah, just like a, fucking, what do you call it, like a goalie and hockey just hanging outside Disney World? Just like, I'll fucking that one. Oh, man, that was another thing in the documentary.

All the, all the workers. All right, no, no, no, no. I can tell you're so fed up with this. You're going to fucking believe this. It's just this so out there. I'm like, no, you're going to believe it. No, a lot of workers at Disneyland, Disney World, whatever the fuck it is. A lot of them end up getting arrested for, like, pedophilia-related charges.

And it doesn't surprise. It all just gets sweet. Weeped on the rug, kind of like how the church was. But it's just like, yeah, it's like a, it's literally a brilliant graph. If you're a pedophile, what better place to work? But it's, yeah, it's also, it goes hand-ag. But they don't. People are like, uh, they're reverting to a childlike state by working in this.

So they're into that whole like, but trying to read up. The theory, though. The theory, though. It's like, that wasn't just court. Yeah. It's like, I guarantee Michael Jackson genuinely likes. Yeah. Well, actually, I'm kind of, I don't know if I, it's because he didn't have a child.

I don't know. I don't know if I believe Michael Jackson. was a pedophile. I love Tom Hanks' pedophile, Michael Jackson. Yeah. There's so much evidence. Yeah, so much evidence

against real pedophiles. He was in the Q-onon, Dr. Harry, too. Yeah, yeah. They were arguing that Michael Jackson was one of the people, they fucked him. One of the good ones.

Because he was, he was so powerful in the industry and wanted to, like, fucking own all these record labels. They were like, fuck you. Like, we don't want you to have that much influence. So we're going to, like,

start this horrible rumor about you because you are a freak. So everyone's going to believe it and all that. And, but, Like, didn't he dangle a kid out of a fucking All of his closest friends

were like, he was the biggest pussy hound like, like, Michael Jackson? Yes. Ooh, this is interesting.

I like, these are my conspiracy theories. Michael Jackson got pussy. They're like, they're like, they're like, his wife said that he never fucked it. They're like,

yo, he was the biggest pussy out. Like Elvis Presley's daughter. He would be like, nah, they're both coming back. Fuck you, I'm not sure.

What if MJ E. Loki had like a cool black guy boy. He's like, Nah, man, these bitches come with me. And he's like, oh, hi, it's the media? He's like, change is that. He's like, oh, blanket, yeah. That's it.

I like that conspiracy theory. The reason I think he's a pedophile is because he slept with kids in a bed that weren't his own. And my thing is... What's so wrong with that? I think you only take risks like that if you're going to get laid. Because if he gets caught doing that, everybody's going to think he's a pedophile. So you would only... You know what I mean?

You're like, oh, no. Well, McCoy Colgan came out and said, no, nothing ever happened. yeah, it's tough too because he's... But you also, if you got touch, I'd also... And McColay Colkin was cute. Yeah, if there was ever a kid to fuck, like, you would mean... It's the Colkster. It's the Colkster.

Do you know there's like... You do a little roleplay with him, you know, have him chase him around a house. Like, it's whole one. Yeah, yeah. Michael Jackson's like, yeah, baby, you put some of those toys out there, I'll slip on him. That'll be a fun thing for me. I like the pain. Wait, like some S&M shit.

Wasn't there some shit where I think Michael Jackson used to have McCulley Colkin come over and do his monologues from home alone. Really? Which that's creepy. Sorry, that's creepy. No, that's creepy, but that's cool as fuck, too. You have that much money that you can just make somebody come over. Yeah, you have the actress sight shit that they don't even want. That's kind of badass. It's kind of bad ass. It's a fucking power move. Yeah, but

it is, I mean, when it's a child that's weird. A child's aside about this CUSIP. Michael Jackson probably fuck those kids. I don't know. Trying to save his career. I'm just saying it. It's really convincing. Like, I was it's nine 20 minute parts

this Q documentary I was three parts in and then I didn't know it was a Q documentary until they go yeah we're here to tell you that Barack Obama is actually from Indonesia

and Michelle Obama's a man I go all right this is a guy Q documentary fuck yeah he goes I'm on board no and then they were trying that there was a bunch of

fucking idiots but it's fucking great because all of them They're hilarious. It's like, they were trying to say Bill Gates is a woman, his wife is a man. And they give you this like shoulder like with like breakdown of it. And it's like Bill Gates' shoulders are really like slim. But Melinda, they're fucking broad as shit.

And they kind of are. But like, you know. So there's always some weird math with like the conspiracy theories with like pause this, turn the face to the side. Yeah. Flip it upside down. Spray paint it black. And there's six, six. Six.

You're like, oh. Yeah. But there is a lot of weird. Like the Clinton body count thing. Oh, yeah. That's crazy. Fucking weird. Also, it's like,

it's gonna cut that out. Yeah, yeah, I can fucking murdered. To be fair, like three of my friends have died in the last year. It's been once I started talking about this stuff. I don't know.

Every time. I mean, how about the, uh, you guys ever heard about that water car story? The guy who invented, like, a car that could run on water.

I have heard that one. And then, then he's like on the, well, corn, too, I've heard that. The local news. The local news is running a story on him.

And he's like, yeah, it's great. Like, got this car that runs on water, Salt water, fresh water, fucking sink water, whatever the fuck it is. Rainwater. And he's like, it's great.

Like, you know, this general from the Pentagon's coming to visit me next week. Like, you know, I'm just excited to, like, show this idea or whatever. Few, I think, weeks or months later. Brakes cut out? Dead. Breaks cut out? He's on a boat with his brother. It's always a boat.

Heart attack. And he apparently his brother says what he was saying before he died was they poisoned me. Oh, my God. Damn. Like literally right after that guy visited fucking him And it's like because It's always a heart attack too It's a heart attack behind the wheel or on a boat

Or it's like they shot themselves in the head But then like miles away from their home But they shot themselves in the body Like fucking like 20 times Yeah you'd think it'd be better There was some guy like this It was some there was some bombing And some guy who witnessed it

And so there was like multiple Was it white? The bomber? I don't know why Why? Just wondering Yeah But he

It was like he wanted multiple, like, what's it called? He said some shit like, oh, I think there was multiple bombs or some. There's one of these bombings. I'm butchering this. But then they found the guy who like said that, that security guard like so far from his home. And then he was like he had like this weird thing where like he shot himself, but he also was like covered in like grass that looked like he'd been dragged. I've heard about this. I don't remember.

I have no idea who it is. There's somebody who's just freaking out. Yeah. Fucking Clint's man. What the fuck. Yeah. No, but I've, yeah, I've heard that. Yeah, I mean, they're all scumbat, like literally across the board.

Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself. That's what we're trying to say, basically. Yeah, I believe that. Well, I mean, everybody, like, Galane getting 20 years or whatever, like, that's a victory. It's, like, apparently she was, like, in charge more than Epstein was. Right. Like, she's the one with all the connections. The problem is that, like, all the people that were a part of it and nobody else even got, even brought to trial.

Did she plead guilty? No. I don't think so. But they made the trial not public, which is crazy. Yeah. All the flight log stuff, they've like fucking kept that a secret. Like, it's clearly fucking, but everybody's like, oh, Amber Hurd, Johnny Depp. Yeah.

Then us hack comics are like, what's the best joke I could write about fucking Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. The comics are in on it. The open mic scene is trying to divert attention away from the FC trial. It goes that deep. With that influential. I was about to wrap up with. Wayne Maxwell, she got 20 years. Something tells me she would have preferred 13.

Ah, there we go. Comedy. What do you guys want to promote, by the way? All of our spots? We got... Yeah. Promote it. I mean, this will come out in like a week or two.

Actually, probably next week. Or Sunday. Come to a fucking Prohibition comedy show. How about that? Yeah, you guys put on a great show. You follow us at Prohibition underscore comedy. Yeah. We put on great shows all over the city.

And we traffic children from time to time. We do that. Yeah. Sometimes in the story of comedy. Queens. Our next show, I guess when this comes out, August 4th at the comedy shop. Oh, that's enough time to, yeah.

But then we also do shows at New York Comedy Club and Gotham and last two have been great. So, yeah, come out if you're not a dumb cunt. Yeah. Wow. Nobody's talked to my audience that way. I respect that. I respect that. It's a power move.

Wow. Not one comic bashed this entire time. No, you bashed one at the beginning. to cut that out. No, I mean, I said Sarah, but she even knew that she, like, she said she bombed. I don't give a shit. Yeah. And I bombed after that, too, so it's fine.

All right. Bye.