Morning Good - Don't Tread On Me - Episode 304

Episode Date: February 22, 2026

Gigi Klein and Zach Russell join the show for today's episode. They talk about when researching your heritage goes wrong, how to get kicked out of a bar, and throwing Gigi her dream Bat Mitzvah.Thanks to Zach and Gigi for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes and hit their links below for more info.Gigi is on Instagram @gigicomedy. Zach is on Instagram as well @zachrussellcomedy and co-hosts the Overshadowed Podcast. He also has a new special coming soon.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to the morning. All right. We're here, Zach Russell and G.G. Klein. We're on. It's working. It's working. You're working, actually.

We're working right now. No, I think you're talking about Landman. I think I wouldn't like it. I don't like the, like, Thomas Elliott is his name? No, you're mixing up. That's the name of the character. No, it's Billy Bob Thornton. Yes, him either.

What an annoying name. I don't like fake... He's really good. I know. I get tired of, like, the fake tough guy kind of thing where he's like... No. Okay, continue. Let's hear it.

He's not a fake tough guy. He's like a contract negotiator. So he's like the muscle man on behalf of the oil companies. Right, but he's like to tell it how it is guy. Like, I would be like, yeah, so I went to school today. He's like, when I was your age. school was a shovel and you dig holes and I'm like, shut up.

He actually doesn't do that much moralizing. He's a very good guy. He's a good character. I want him to be my dad. I worry for him personally when anything bad happens to him. The character or Billy Bob Thornton himself? He's no longer fucking Angelina Jolie. Also, I heard he has a huge hog.

Have you seen that video of Angelina Jolie cozying up on him? Is the door open? No, it's just loud. My God. We just live in town. Any guy with the name Billy Bob Thornton has to have a huge penis. There's a video of Angelina Jolie like, just like

sexing him with her eyes at some award ceremony I've seen that one yeah yeah yeah they just had sex in like a car and I I get it now now I've seen Landman and I'm like I get what she was looking at

yeah yeah I see what she sees they had each other's blood in like a locket that's cute yeah yeah I don't think it's weird that's like some Alex Jones who just think is like yeah they're all dude it yeah true

if there's a cute reason it would be do you think she also has the blood of all her adopted children somewhere Yeah. Each toe is painted with the blood. Yeah. That was weird. But also, everybody gave her shit for that. But I'm like, what's wrong with adopting a bunch of Africans?

And nothing wrong with that. And maybe, you know, they got chores just like anybody else. Unless you pay people to watch them fight. Or unless you, sorry, unless people pay to watch them fight. Yeah, I don't think she's running a mandingo ring. Whoa. Is that not, what's the correct? I know that's not the corrector.

But what are the fights called? I don't know. Fight Club? I wouldn't say In Django they were doing a black fight club I wouldn't say in Django and Chained they were doing a black I mean that is what they were doing

That is what they were doing Yeah yeah You might have used the right terminology I'm just you know I'm offended Wait till you get through that Maila of Ultra Then you're gonna be saying

I'm only drinking this because of a landman It's all he drinks He's an alcoholic So he drinks low alcohol beer Yeah that is dude I used to drink these things called a Bud Light I think they were called like

Pussies? Yeah, Budlight Pussy It basically was They were like 2% alcohol Because I was like Okay, I could drink these like all day If I'm day drinking

And not get that drunk Like two of them is one beer You get actually really pretty wasted Yeah but it's a perfectly progressive rate Yeah Okay Because I like slam I think I drink alcohol very fast

It's not like that I drink a lot But I also drink a lot It's 4.2% Yeah but it's big big boy I know Well it's really the carbs There's only two carbs In a normal one

And so this, what, was this four carbs? Yeah. The rest is straight alcohol? There we go. I'm like four nights off. I don't preach into the choir with you. Yeah, we got to be skinny bitches. Let me check this real quick.

995 calories a can by the way. Yeah. So that probably has like 180. Yeah, not bad. I'm very sick ones, I know. White Claws are super low alcohol. I get so drunk off of White Claws. Any kind of white Claw neutral?

I get the best drunk, I think, off of like a heavier beer, but I don't want to be fat. But I like an IPA, I'll feel it nice. You know what? That's a sexy drink to order. What? An IPA. Oh, yeah.

Really? If you're a girl and you order an IPA, guys like... Oh, as a girl. It shows you're cool. If you're a guy ordering an IPA, you're just like a guy. There's nothing special about it. What's like the least attractive drink a guy could drink?

And then the most attractive. And for context, G.G. was a bartender. Milk. No, the least attractive drink a guy could drink. Like alcohol? Yeah. No, I obviously come. It's like the grossest, but I mean like alcohol.

That's hot. Probably like something, like a Pena Colada. Yeah. Especially like in a city where they don't serve those. Yeah, yeah. If you're like Milwaukee drinking one of those. If you're at Key West, or you know what? A guy ordering a margarita is also pretty fruity. Oh, I'll rip those.

They're good. Well, especially outside of a Mexican restaurant, what are you doing? Yeah. I do the bulldogs because margaries are too sweet for me. Like a bulldog. You pour beer in your margarita. So I'll order a margarita and I'll pour a Corona and I'll water it down with beer. Here's the most disgusting drink I've seen. Nick Hopping orders us a lot. He orders

I don't remember what it's called, but it's tomato juice and medello. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are those called? I don't know. I was a really bad bartender, but I know... No, most bartenders I've seen have no idea what he's talking about. That's disgusting. They're like, you want a what? It's like a dirty something. It's called dirty something.

Yeah. But it's a Bloody Mary, but with beer instead of vodka. Gross. That's fucking disgusting. I think Bloody Mary's a gross. Yeah, they're gross enough. I drank I'm like one. I was like really hung over one time and I went to like a family tailgate at like a football game McClemson and then I almost like threw up. I was like, I had like one sip.

The Bloody Mary must have been invented by like a guy who like his jaw was broken, but he was an alcoholic. Yeah, yeah. He still had to get some nutrients. Food and alcohol. I'm really like weird. He's like the shakes will rebreak my jaw. So I have to.

I'll be fine. Well, I'll try to do things like that. Like I'll invent four locoes with like, I'll have like a beer and then I'll have like take a caffeine pill or two to like make a whole. You're going to die. You're going to die. I'm not going to die. Caffeine pills are fine.

Are you not drinking. know? I haven't drank it in four nights. Oh. But yes, I am drinking. I don't have money right now. That's the answer I was looking for it. That's also the reason why I'm not drinking it right now. Because of money? Yeah, yeah. And the fucking shop closed, so now nobody gives me free drinks. Did something happen? They know about it. Sorry to flaunt my wealth in front of you guys. Yeah, yeah, I drink of your beer. No, I love people drinking the podcast. I'm going to go to Texas and I'm definitely going to record some just drunk episodes.

They could be fun, as long as you're not doing it every time. We should. Yeah. But what was I saying? No, I do a four-hour Rogan Odyssey. Yeah, yeah. Just be just hammered.

Oh, I find, I build a studio that looks just like it. That is funny because I have like chat talk. Like, not like intensely, but I've made fun of Tony Hinchcliff so much in this podcast. And I'm just going to go to Austin. And then just cannot kill Tony.

Be like, Yeah, and hope. Hi. I'm such a huge fan. Yeah. I'm wearing a Kill Tony T-shirt. My roommate has one of those. It's so fucking funny.

It's like, it's like the Joker on stage. but it's like also Tony Hitchcliffe. It's like a sarcastic one, but yeah. What about this? I do a show in Edinburgh. Kilt Tony. Oh, bring ding ding ding ding.

That was incredible. How long have you been doing comedy? You're a faget. Here's a joke book. Oh, the thing I learned, isn't this fucking crazy? How much caffeine do you think isn't a poor loco? Like the new ones. Well, there's not allowed to be as much as you thought.

Right, right. How much he thinks is that? the new ones. Like 25 milligrams? What would you guess? No, I think, I think 150. Zero. I've been drinking them for 10 years. That's not loco. Yeah. That's not even

Uno Loco. They took out every A lotto. That's Serro Loco. Yeah, Sero Loco. Yeah. Dude, I for years was drinking four loco as I was like, look, I know it's not as much caffeine as he used to be, but I want a little boost. So I drink a four loco and be like, oh, man, I'm amped up. It was just drinking wine, basically.

With the placido? Placito, yeah, the placenta. You gotta eat the placebo after the birth. There's good vitamins in there. For the caffeine. Well, like, I remember in college, we had a four-locockeg, and we're like, this is a crazy.

What? Yeah, we had a four-lockeg. Where did they deliver that, a cartel helicopter? Dropped it into your frat house. Yeah, it was fucking crazy. And, like, one day I was, like, blowing down, taking Adderall and just chugging for a loco. My heart was like, and I was blowing down me.

Yeah, what is blowing down? Doing down. Doing down the slopes. Yes. have you guys watched any of the Winter Olympics? I watched the video of the guy saying he has the worst week of his life after he won the bronze medal. Oh, because his girlfriend. Yeah, because he cheated on his girlfriend.

Oh, really? Yeah, I watched that. But I didn't watch any of the actual. You think he would have gotten that speech if he won the gold medal? Or he would have just coasted. Yeah, I don't think so. I've never cheated on anybody, but it's still got to be a bad week. Like, I know you did the bad thing, but you still got to be like, ah.

You know what I mean? Like, it's not going to feel good. Yeah, well, you don't have to bring it up when you win a medal. that's true he's like can we forgive me now can I get over it that is kind of what he did he was like and I miss hot yeah it was his like running to the airport like don't go yeah yeah his last Hail Mary yeah they're like sir you can't go through with metal

this is a weapon it's like I can't you have to leave this right here what would you like the standards for you like you're dating a celebrity any cheats but it's like it's like who's the hottest celebrity I would give them an automatic hall pass for the Olympics just because it's such a stress fest Yeah. And it's stressful and I want my baby to succeed. Okay. So they need...

But then it's not cheating if they have a whole pass. That is true. Yeah. Also like winter Olympics is totally different because those guys are a bunch of homos. So I'm like, yeah, you can just totally bang. You know what? Any guy I'm with can fuck a guy. I'm fine with that.

A lot of women disagree with you. You can fuck any guy you want. As soon as you fuck somebody with kids, I'm going to be pissed. I'm going to be pissed. They disagree with you. I wouldn't care. Girls that I'm dating could definitely fuck other girls. I got no issue with that.

I think it's cool. I support it. I want to see it. I want to record it. Actually, wait, can I, can I rephrase what I just said? Yeah. When I say fuck a guy, like a guy I'm with, he can get fucked by a guy. He can't fuck anything else.

Interesting. But he can't get fucked by a guy. Because you can't do that? Because I can't do that. And also, like, there's no competition. Like, it's a different thing. So what about if a guy got strapped by a girl? No.

No woman at all. Okay. So a guy can fuck her, but he can fuck him. He can't fuck a guy. Well, it's like, okay, if you... Are you into that? There's a lot of women that are into that. Into what?

Seeing guys fuck. Each other? Yeah. You know what? I like, I'm attracted to men, so I like seeing men naked, but as soon as they start fucking, I get a little wiggly biggly. Yeah. We got the wrong guess for this week, Zach.

What? I said, we got the wrong guess for this week, Zach. Yeah, we always dive into our, you know, how we wrestle with our sexual orientations. Have you seen heated rivalry at all? Yeah, I love it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But every time. they like, like, I love it until they start actually having sex, then I'm like, it's a little. Yeah, I like the tension. But yeah, that's gayer than the gay section. I like the tension. I like the romance and the willie won't me. Yeah. Yeah, I got no

I mean, that guy's ass won't quit. Holy shit. I just giggle with gay sex. Like, I have never grown up to the point where I... Before or after you've come. Right after it's a good. What am I doing? What a goofball. Yeah. No, because I've like gay I just to myself. Like, let me check out some gay porn.

Every time I just go, what are you doing? I'm like, this is so silly. It's very different for us when we watch gay porn. You gotta stay up to date on your certifications. Yeah, yeah.

On your straight certifications. You got to, I'm telling you, you got a gay test once every like five years. You got to do something a little gay. Are you relieved every time? Oh, of course. Yeah.

Because you're like, ah, this can be a lot to tell my dad. Do you ever have like a tingle or anything? You're never like, this is more of like, you see like a male celebrity and you're like, I want to be friends with that guy.

You're like, I want to be in that guy's squad. Or, like, I have, like, hot guy friends. You go, then we're like, we're like, we're a bunch of cute boys together. You're like gay for access. Yes. Yeah. But not to a whole, to a social circle. Not to a butt circle, to a social circle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm definitely gay to, like, a social circle. Sometimes I'm walking with, like, a squad of hot dudes, and I'm like, we're so. Dude, we are. Yeah. We're in it. That's gayer than me and gay. Yeah.

I'm like, my guy friends are so hot. I am so grateful for this hot group of guys on my guys on. with. Yeah. Well, I think for girls, too, like, if you see a group of, like, I disagree with that whole element of like, okay, if there's a, the girls have like an ugly friend to make them look hotter. Like, they might try that, but like, you judge as a whole, like, will I approach this group of women if they're a bunch of hot women? I think women probably see the same. Like, if you see five hot guys, you're more likely to be interested in that group. Like, you probably see it. You're like, oh. If I see a group of guys, I'm much less interested in

them than a person on their own, right? Right. But what I'm saying is, if it goes with guys, Would you rather see like a guy and then his friend's ugly or like two hot guys? Obviously, yeah, two hot guys. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, that's why I surround myself. It looks like you're the jackpot today, sweetheart. Yeah.

You're a lot. Yeah. It's a joke. Yeah. Well, my fiance will, we're watching heat of rivalry. She'll put her hand on my pants to see if there's movement. That's nice. And then I will stab myself with my keys to.

Yeah. I'll pull the photos my grandma on my phone. My boyfriend won't watch it with me. that makes me nervous. Yeah, yeah. That he refuses. I got such a, uh, he's like, that's my, that's me time. Yeah.

He's like, I'm not going to watch it. But I'm like, what? He's like, I'm not going to re-watch it. Yeah. But also, no, it's, yeah. Yeah, I get, the other time I question homosexuality, some is the doctor's office. I'm like, is there going to be a dude touching me? Is it going to, you know, do something?

Spark something. What's your pediatrician? Uh, I would request women, but like, I don't know. What? My, I would tell my mom. I don't have a kid. Can I have a wady? Yeah.

She'll just touch my wiener. I want to touch my wiener. I had a dude until I was, you know, 25. There was different people, but never once got hard with a guy at the pediatrician. You're worried that you will, but it never happens because it's just so not sexual. Yeah. Well, I once had a gynecologist who was a 6'5 Nigerian guy. Whoa.

It was awesome. Did he have a thing? Yeah, he had a pretty easy time getting in there. Yeah. Like, it was crazy. Yeah, I was like, yes, yes, yes. As soon as he walked in the door, I was like, whoa!

Just taking your pants down as he's looking at your charts. I'm off. I don't think you're going to get a good reference point with those gloves on, yeah. Exactly. How can you tell? You have a thick accent? Yeah.

I was trying to do it. Put your legs in the stirrups. That is such a good pussy. You're going to feel a little bit of pressure. I'm going to put this inside you. Is that okay? Yeah. Yeah, I get hard at the female doctor.

I try not to. Like, I'm not like trying to get... Do you get hard at the doctor? I do. Yeah, yeah. I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They talk about you when you're gone. You know that, right?

Yeah, no, I totally. I got a fucking... I've hooked up with a nurse before and she's like, oh yeah, dude's get hard all the time. Like, it's just part of it. That is true. People, so I work at a med spa and people get hard in the med spa while they're getting like Botox.

That is weird. Isn't that crazy? That's very non-sexual. But our nurses are hot. I got a haircut recently. No one's anything. It looks great. Happy haircut.

Thank you. Mary haircut is how my people say it. Sorry. But just someone touching you, like so intimate, like putting your ear back and stuff. I'm not saying I get aroused, but it's nice. I am saying I do. That's fine. You're a freak.

I'm not that way. Second time I jerked off. First time was in a barn. In a barn? Yeah, I didn't really orgasm. You got a thing for like... Use from Florida. Yeah, yeah.

Animals? I like used to use. two fingers and I like rubbed the different sides of it. That didn't work. Of what? The animal or your penis? When you're a kid, you don't know how to... Because you say stroke it.

Yeah, so you're like this or this. And there's years you're just doing the three fingers because you got a little dick. Like when you were going to blow a guy for one of the first times, did you at any point go, is this it? I've never... I've never done it. To anyone. You never blown it to anybody?

I've never done that. Really? No. Oh, yeah. I don't know. Some people are weird. Are you fucking kidding me? I have no idea.

Some people are weird like that. Dude, I laid prone face down on the bathroom, like the bathtub, not the bathroom floor. In the bathtub. Just like pressing myself against the bathtub. I remember the first time... I realized I had like a clitoris was when I... Clitoris is such a weird way.

A clitoris? You do work at a med spa. Dr. Gige. I realized the first time I had one, I was wearing jeans that were too tight in math class in sixth grade. And I, like, moved on my seat. And I was like, what is going on? Yeah.

Yeah. Is it because of this little, the seam where the seam hits? Yeah, I think so. I guess so. Or I just really love algebra. I'm not sure. You ever read that poem by Shell Silverstein where the seam hits my clit? Pretty wet book.

Yeah, my first time I had like an orgasm, though, is I used to get my haircut by these, like, really hot ladies. And I just went in the bathroom, but then just fucking, but I couldn't come for like two years because I started drinking off when I was like 11. You were in the bathroom for two years? For two years. Come on. For the hair salon.

Comedy. I'm locked in air. But no, I remember where to the bathroom. I couldn't come for two years and it was the best feeling. And I can't go back. To not for not coming? Yes, because you still have an orgasm. Your body just like doesn't know what to do.

So it's just like the whole body is like trying to produce comb. Yeah. Can't even imagine what that would be like. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah. Yeah, it rocks. Was I just having, maybe I was having lady orgasms. You were having female orgasms is what you were having.

Because I could go twice because I didn't come. So I could go, oh my gosh. I don't even know what you're talking about right now. Dude, I jerked off before I could come. So my body was looking for coming to other places. Like my face would orgasm. Yeah. It was like, is there balls in here?

I'm crying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweating. I'm farting. I talked to something else. Whole body release. Yeah, there was no guilt when you couldn't come. The cum started when the guilt started when the cum came.

Why? I don't know. That's a memoir. The guilt started when the cum came. That's a poem. Yeah. I think, I don't know. You're just like, oh, this is gross. There's semen on me. But, like, my thing is, I used to jerk off not come, but I'd pee afterwards. I thought that was coming. I was like, fucking, what a fat load the day. And I would just be peeing after jerking off.

We are getting into it. As wild. Yeah. And the first time I came, it was like a little tear drop. It was like just one came down. And then I was like, oh, I guess that's what it is. And then I got swine flu. You were coming like a 55 year old when you were 10. You got swine flu? Yeah. I thought I, I thought I, I thought I got a, I thought, I thought, was this in the barn? No, no.

This was in Italy, and I thought it was related. I was like, God is punishing me. Because you came, you came for the first time in Italy and then got swine flu. Yeah, he's like, this by the Vatican. Yeah, you're in Vatican City. Yeah, he's like, you're a piece of shit, yeah. Yeah, that's, that was my, uh, that was my first time. What was his Italy story?

Where were you in Italy? I was in Florence, pretty far from Rome. Oh, nice. The one time I went to Florence, I went into a church, and the guy at the church store stopped me before I went in and went, you have to cover up. And I said, I don't know what you're talking about. And then they put a smock on me. Like a smock.

Like head to toe. I looked like a fucking monk. I was pissed. That's wild. I was pissed. Who were you wearing? Just like whatever I wear. But then like a little boy walks in and they're like...

Like a grass skirt and coconut. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy about that. Yeah. Yeah. It was my knees. Your knees.

God forbid. God does. Literally. God forbid my knees. God forbid that shit. Forbade. Yeah. What is the Bible saying?

about clothing women. Does it say anything? I'm pretty biblical, but I forget a lot of it. Are you pretty biblical? My dad started to finish read the Bible to me. I'm sure he left out a couple of rapes. But yeah, like we acted out the Bible. We stoned my sister with rocks and stuff. But no, we would like do homeschool in the, like in our house. Are you from Orlando? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Were you homeschooled? No, but I was religious homeschooled. So like we'd occasionally go to church, but occasionally.

I was just in Eustace, Florida, if you know where that is. Yes. Yeah, useless. That's where my grandma lives. Terrible, yeah. Grandma? Yeah. I love grandmas.

I got tugged off in a movie theater and Eustace, good times. Nice. Wait, so you're very biblical. Sorry, I didn't mean to... No, no, no. But, like, I don't know.

I don't know what it says about women covering up. I don't know. I mean, I assume... The Jews certainly do it. And the more religious... Like, Jews, Muslims, and Christians at the highest level

all cover up their ladies. Yeah. Although Christians not so much, just in churches. Yeah. Jews and Muslims are all the time. But what's interesting is, like, the less religious

Jews don't give a fuck. But I feel like the less religious Catholics or Christians still kind of give a fuck. Yeah, well, because the thing is Judaism can be a cultural thing. Like you're even culturally Jewish. So you can be like, oh, okay, I do these like celebrations and stuff, but I don't like follow the book. Versus like, there is no cultural

Christian. I guess that's a white national. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, I don't like any of this stuff besides being a white is cool. Yeah, I just love chanting and marching out of my culture. Yeah, so there's none of that. But I'm trying to like, I don't know, I was like, apparently, I think there's one like, Mel Gibson reads the Bible. Maybe, no, no, it's Johnny Cash reads the Bible. I like, whoa, that would be a cool one to, like, kind of listen to, but I don't have the patience. I killed my lord today.

Yeah, to see if he still feels. But, uh, no, I like, I'm too lazy. Like, I'm like, I want to know every religious text just so I can argue with people and be a fucking giant cunt. And then I was like, three pages into the Bible, like a year ago. I was like, nah, I'm not doing this. Yeah. Yeah. There's some interesting parts, but a lot of it is, uh, I don't know, man. It's just like a list. Yeah. It's like a list of families.

It's hard to understand. This is English. And then it's like, thee thou, theyeth. And then I'm like, I don't fucking. I don't know any problem with thee thou theyeth. But some of the other shit. Thou cometh. Yes, on my face.

Oh, Lord. This is my idea. Oh, Lord. Rejoice. Or thoustath cometh upon my face. Oh, Lord, my God. I think I just got to go to veggie tales. And then just be like, I actually, we saw this on veggie tales.

and you're actually completely wrong. Is Veggie Tales biblical? Yeah. Yeah, I think it was. It was a Christian thing. Yeah. Was it really heavy-handed, though? No, it was like the fun, nice stories.

Like, it was just kind of like, oh, and then David B. Goliath, yay. Was there a tomato, though, that, like, died and came back three days later? I'm sure. Was there a Jesus vegetable? I don't know. I don't think it would be the tomato. I think the potatoes were Jews. I'm not positive.

Why is that? I don't know. Why did they make the tomato? You've seen Mr. Potato Head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why the make them ugly? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

They should also have done, like, I don't know, they should have taken that idea and done like the, the Islam veggie tails. Well, no, they had Muslims. Oh, they couldn't do Muhammad, though. It's just blank on the screen. They're like, yeah. Yeah, the Muslims were the mincers.

The what? They minced all the vegetables. Oh, yeah, yeah. Wait, can you look up? Cut that out. What were the Jewish veggie tail characters? Sure. What?

was Jesus. Cabbage, I'm assuming. I don't know. Oh, you go vault. Yeah, that was annoying finding out things were secretly pushed into my phone. I had a lot of bands I listened to that were secretly Christian. Then I kept listening to them because I was like, maybe this is how I've become Christian. Maybe this is my Christianity. I had that genuine thought when I was in high school. I'm like, maybe this is my worship. I think I'm more like, not religious isn't the right word, but spiritual than my parents want me to be.

Oh, yeah? My dad was like super atheist and my mom just doesn't give a full. fuck. Huh. But I kind of believe, I don't know what I believe, but I believe in something. Yeah, no, I'm the same way. I'm, I pray to God, like, in an agnostic way. I'm like, please, do I not have herpes?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm also like, I don't know. I like, I, until I was 16, was like a Christian. I wasn't like, you're all going to go to hell, all this stuff.

But I was like, no, I'm a Christian. And then one time I was drunk in my room and I, like, sad. And I was like, God, if you're real show yourself. And then he didn't. And I was like, I'm not Christian anymore because he didn't show up. because God's not an on-demand magician. No. I'm done.

If God didn't come to me when I drunk booty call him, it's over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can forsake you, my lord. That's the dumbest way to lose your faith I've ever heard. One and done with that guy. He fucking really doesn't care for me. Yeah, I have one God above all, and also he's not my God anymore. No, that would have been really cool.

If he just showed up and was like, what's that dude? That would have been dope. Yeah. What do you think they're like? God. What is he like? Is what you're trying to say? There?

No, he is probably non-binary. He's probably got a beard and tits. They have like lipstick. He's everything. He's got a dick and a pussy. He's in a wheelchair. Yeah. That'd be so funny.

All the far right Christians get to heaven. They're like, fuck. Damn it, it's my cousin. It's my shitty niece that fights with me every Thanksgiving. That's God. I think maybe it's like the Vitruvian man. You know? Like the eight-old.

arms and didn't the retrieving man have a pussy? I guess not. He's a man. I think it's like Simba. Like, you know, in the Lion King, when you look up at the stars, and then you see like the outline of Simba, I think it's like that, but it's God. Yeah. No, that makes sense.

A star lion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I picture him either as like this blackness, just this kind of like field of energy. Or when I close my eyes and picture God, he's like basically Santa Claus, but pink. Like he's like a pink and, uh, because you're, you know, when you close your eyes, you see, like, kind of red and pink.

But I think that's just because my eyelids that color. So I see, like, a pink and, like, reddish guy. Like, like, pink and purple, kind of, like, just kind of, like, almost like a... What do you call those images when you, like, fuck with... Are you saying you see God? Like, when I think about him. Like, it's, like, a negative image. You know how, like, you can see, like, just kind of outlines.

Is it this guy? Who is that from... Mahjinn Boo from Dragon Ball Z? Is that guy? Kind of, yeah, he looks like Patrick Starr, basically. Yeah, he's like a fat, um... what is it, a gypsy or something? Yeah, like a genie. Jeannie.

Gypsy. Jeannie. Yeah, that's, I picture basically just Santa Claus. But I was reading it. I was very confused about the Satan story. I was kind of like looking into that a little bit. And I was like, it's weird that he like banished him to the earth. You can't, I couldn't find out.

Do you know anything about this? So, Lucy. They still have Lucifer, don't they? Probably. I'm not like a good one. I'm like a, you know. Well, there aren't any good ones. I like the bread and...

Yeah, I'm kidding. Hey, I defended Jews last week, so I got to play both sides now. Yeah, I guess Joe Gorman wasn't your last week. Yeah. Yeah, so like... You can take that to the bank, Joe, where you will not get a loan because guess who's at the bank? Jews. Yeah.

What was I fucking saying? No, like the Lucifer's stories, he was like an angel that, like, stood up. up against God, and then God was like, fuck you, dude, you're out. And then Lucifer roams the earth. But then I don't know when hell was invented, because Lucifer is who Satan is. Yeah. So I don't know when that fallen angel

was like, I'm gonna start. You gotta remember, this was before hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the old angels telling the new angels. Yeah, yeah. About what life used to be like, yeah. Hell used to be cool. You wanted to scare your kids. You just had to pretend you were going to hit them, even though no violence is allowed in heaven. Well, you're also, you're a big NDE guy, right? Excuse me?

Near-death experience. Yeah. I'm not a bit... We talked about it once. Have you had one? Have you had one? No. No.

I've not. I've listened to like a lot of these people. But I'm a big NDE guy though. A lot of them are fucking crazy. People say they go to hell and they like get tortured by demons for like a year and then they come back out. And then are they, is their debt paid? Because they kind of got ahead of it or do they have to do that again when they die. Yeah.

That's like they're on like parole in Earth for a little bit. Yeah. He's like, well, you got four more payments. Yeah. Wait, so people say this? This is like, there are accounts of this. Yeah, so there's like, I mean, there's like probably a thousand that are alive right now. They're like, some of them were like, I went to heaven.

It was sick. Some of them are like I went to purgatory. Everybody says they have the light. Everybody that went to hell, though. It's really funny. We were talking about this last time. They're never like, why am I here? Every time they're like, yeah, fuck.

I should have been doing half that shit I was doing. Yeah. So when I looked it up, there is no Jewish Satan. And the closest thing they have is Job where like a bunch of shit keeps happening to him. Yeah, bad karma. Yeah. So it's just bad luck Brian? Yeah, I mean in Judaism, which is why I like Judaism more.

It's more tied to people. Okay. It's not like these big supernatural things that affect your life. It's like the devil is the imperfections in us. Yeah, well, that's how it was described to me. Snaps. Period. Uh-uh.

Period. Po. Period. This is my star, David, when I gang sign. Boom, boom. Oh, that actually makes sense. Yeah, it does. I like the...

I've done it in multiple... Before this, buddy. This is not the unveiling. I was actually really hitting it off with the progressives at a comedy show the other night. And they were doing this. And this is like... What is that?

What is that? What is that? This is the only one I like. I don't like that either. It's very inconspicuous. It makes no noise. This is like... Hear me.

I think it's cool and I'm also better than clapping. Yeah. It's all like I'm better than clapping. That's all it is. But this is at least more for you because it's very... Well, it's talking about how I like to be dominated. This one goes like this.

I'm like, are you trying to... my penis small because that will turn me on. But she was just going like this to It is functioning as a plage. It's not the way you mean it to. Yeah, yeah. It's like, why would you do the minimal thing for that? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I hear it.

Cheer for someone I do this. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Can I tell you? Sorry to get us off this. Oh, you're good. Do we have any other religion things you want to touch on? No? Please no.

You have no. I'm so scared. How was your bammitsfa? I didn't have one. Oh. Well, that's a good fodder, right? Why didn't you have one? Because my parents are cheap.

Classic. Hey. Classic Jew. Kind of the most authentic bombitza you can have. None. They didn't want a favorite one. So you didn't like do, even outside of a party,

you didn't give a balance of? I didn't do, no, nothing. Huh. Yeah. That's a bummer. We should throw you bombitsfa.

I know. We should hoist. You never got hoisted? I've, well, I've been hoisted. Well, but. Yeah. But not in a party. Yeah.

Well, I mean, in an official setting. That's a damn shame. I mean, I never got by Mitzvitts, but I'm not Jewish. I know, I really want one. I knew what my theme would be and everything. What would it be? It was going to be Broadway.

That's fun. Right? Yeah, I mean, all got like, like Molly's was like chocolate and cats or something. No, no, no, no, it was like underwater. Her friends was chocolate and cats. Like, you can do whatever. You can do whatever the 13-year-old girl. Yeah.

One girl did like Candy Mountain. Yeah, no wrong answers. I mean, that's fucking dumb. Charlie and the unicorn, yeah. Charlie and the unicorn? Yeah. Wow, that was a good video. It was a classic.

That came all the way to Canada? You guys got that? Of course we had Charlie the unicorn. Okay. We didn't have veggie tails, though. Charlie. I did. It was me.

It's a magical Leopelodon. I barely remember. I just remember somebody was like really dead. It's the only thing. Oh God, they took my fucking kidney. Yeah, he's like bleeding out. Do you guys ever have the narwhal thing? Narwhals, narwhals.

No. Wait, you're younger though, right? How old are you? I'm 25. Yeah, yeah. So I didn't have that now. I've heard of that. I heard whispers of the narwhal thing,

but I've never experienced it. It's weird that narwhals are real. I know. Yeah. That's somebody brought up a good point about it. They were just silenced. Yeah, crazy. We all took that in.

Yeah. My friend was bringing something about unicorns. They're like, why would unicorns even be that cool? Because like there's already just things with horns on there. Also, there's like giraffes. Yeah, which are way crazier.

Giraffes are crazy. Giraffes are crazy. I saw one in a fucking month ago into the Bronx Zoo. It was awesome. Yeah. That's, mythical.

It's bizarre, yeah. Yeah. Why don't they do Brisbane golf with giraffes? Oh, that sounds so fun, right? They should do everything with giraffe. They're so fucking. When they run.

Golf? Golf, yes. That's the whole. Dance. Are they dangerous? No, they're gentle as fuck. Okay. And when they run, it looks like they're running backwards.

It looks like their legs are going backwards. Like, you know, in a car commercial, when the wheel doesn't go the right way, that's how giraffes run. They got spinners, but their legs? How fucking cute is that? That is adorable. Are their knees backwards? Is that why?

They're just like a little bit off. They're just like retarded and it's like gring-d-thin-k. That's adorable. Yeah. I wish retarded people walk like that. Why have narwhals? Here's the real question. Why haven't they taken over the ocean?

Yeah. They're the only armed, I mean, orcas are obviously very dangerous. But narwhal should have defeated dolphins by now. Yeah. Dolphins are like bad, right? Dolphets like rape and stuff? Yeah. I mean, all animals do.

Are humans bad? Because we do that too. That is true. But. He heard that on land man. Yeah, yeah. Or humans bad? Because, you know, we rape a lot too.

We ripe. He's Hank Hill. We rape a lot too. He sounds a little like Hank Hill. Bobby, don't ripe. Bobby, what did I tell you about raping now? Dad. Tanner Riley reminds me of Bobby.

That's funny. He kind of does look like Bobby Hill. Oh, yeah, he does. Yeah, yeah. It's unfortunate. I was saying a playful thing. You're like, that's unfortunately disgusting about him. At least Hank has a business.

Yeah. Bobby's got nothing. He just wants to go see boy bands. You see that episode? Huh? He wants to what? Hank gets like really into this like boy band, like an in sync thing. Because he's like listening to his son's music. He's like, this is great. This is really tithful stuff. Then he goes to the concert and they're like ripping their pants off and like shaking their ass. He's like, oh no! That's fun. Yeah. Oh, we were talking narwhals before this. Yeah, I'm not like a... Dolphin rape.

I get like blown away by animals. That's why I don't think the alien thing's that crazy because I'm like, I don't know, there could just be weird humanoid-looking things. It doesn't like, I don't know. I think it's legit, but, yeah, I don't know. I think aliens are real. Yeah, the Obama thing really pissed me off, though.

He's like, they're real, but we've never met them. I'm like, shut up. No, that makes perfect sense. Yeah, that makes sense. The universe is so fucking huge. There's no way we're probably ever going to meet them. But they're, I bet there's millions out there. That's how I feel.

I think. I'm 65% sure. This is the big reason why, I think, because I watch a bunch of these stupid space videos. You know how the universe is expanding? So we're in this thing called the local group, which is like a few clusters of galaxies that's held together by gravity. But all the other things in the universe are drifting away from us. So, listen here. I know we can't tell because of your Botox, but I can see the other things.

I can see you're stupefied. So the distance to these other places just gets larger and larger every second. Right. So the possibility we could even reach them ever is to finish. They're from Earth. I just think they're from Earth. Shut the fuck up. I mean, Zach, I want to come on the podcast.

Everything is expanding. Everything is expanding. He brought that beard out to counteract the nerdness he's going on. He's like, I'm a cool guy. He's Miglobes. He goes to keep that. This will cancel that my monocle. No, it's a good boy.

That's why I have, no, my, wow. Is that how you clap at shows when you agree with the thing? Yeah. I know that's right I picture like your bedroom to have like blow in the dark stars No I never did But I was like staying at her home place And she had it and I was like

Really sick? Yeah it's kind of cool It is cool every time Yeah it kind of fucks actually Well I had no idea they were gonna be there So I was like Is your house like open concept? It's a guy you just look like a pedophile

Like I can't have stars in my scene Sure Yeah it's a kid like a race car bed Yeah I had a close call today because I was on the plane with next to a girl, like a, like, toddler. And you touched her. No, no. I was, I was, she kept, like, ripping off her pants.

I got to finish she sent this quicker. She kept getting the headphone on, God, I'm getting all flustered. You know, she had her, like, fucking shoes. Oh, wait, I got to tell my producer, blur out Zach's boner right now. Continue. Keep it in. The headphone jack kept ripping out from the TV. Right, yes.

From the TV. And so I kept putting it back in. But then one time my AirPod fell out and it rolled under her leg. Oh, yeah. I know. I was like, oh, no. Oh, no, I dropped my headphones under that tiny little toddler's tight little pussy. Redact's Gigi.

In the air where no one can get her. No, her mom was right there. and I was like, I dropped, there's something under your daughter that's mine. I dropped my headphone at your daughter's asshole. Can you please get it for me? So I did end up getting it. Yes, the toddler. What was the headphone?

We're getting married in January. Yeah? All right. Yeah, yeah. Her headphone, Jack. You know, on Delta, where you plug in the wired headphones into the iPad on the seat? Yeah. Shut up.

She couldn't, she kept just like knocking it out. So I had to kept, like, plugging it in for her. Right. Did you have a crush on you? No. She didn't even know I existed. trust me that bitch didn't even know I existed

I clocked we could have been everything I couldn't give her to the world I got a taught her ABCs and everything driven her to school it would be great dude but we got back home

so we got to the car I left the car in ozone park for three four weeks so I was like is it going to be covered in rats you know whatever is it not going to start car's fine we drive back everything's fine

we're back from Florida we're re-energized we're like let's go New York we're going to a nice life this time because it's so miserable here. And then we get back and nothing's flooded. Everything looks fine. And then I go to the bathroom.

And there's just like fucking... Toddlers. No. Shitty, I wish. Shitty. Literal shitty toilet paper that is overflowed from the toilet somehow over the break. Oh.

And all through the bedroom. Like literal shit. And toilet paper. It smells like shit. I think this happened long enough ago that it doesn't. It doesn't smell like shit. It smells like kind of just like water. stuff, but it was like sewage.

And then my whole shower was the same. And you could see from the waterline that it filled up the whole tub and then overflowed. So that's what I had to do with immediately when I got there, came right here. Oh my God. I ate a sandwich in the car with my hands. And then I cut myself on a glass.

Well, welcome home. Yeah, thank you. Dude, that's... Have you heard of that happening to anybody through this? I've seen, I've had like... Like this winter? Not this winter, but I've had it before my old place where like the toilet just starts coming up or the shower just from the drain dirty. Yeah, it's like a plumbing thing. Yeah.

It's fun. It's plumbing. Oh, it's okay. I think so there's a coming thing. Me too. Are I coming too much or not enough? Tell me what I got to do. Wait, oh, here's a question.

Tell me what I got to do. Do most guys come in the toilet? So I do three times a week probably. I come like twice a day normally. If you check the wheel on the fridge, you can tell when it's Michael's turn and when it's Jake's turn to come in the toilet. So I'll do it like twice a week just to not make a mess. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like I'll do the TV on my birthday. Oh, yeah. But it's so, it's so bad because you always, like, you're always aiming for the toilet and you always hit the backboard. I always thought it was like a sock, like you guys did the sock thing.

No, some people do. For me... I just did tissues when I was a kid or the toilet shirt, but I never had the backboard problem. I was hitting swishes every time. Dude, I... Kobe!

Yeah. I would always hit the backboard, or you hit that place under the lid and then it goes back there. Oh, dude. Yeah, and then, I mean, there was a time... You got no flexibility. Well, yeah, I mean, I also, like,

want to hit the best angle. But, like, you look so ridiculous because you're like... You're backwards. Yeah, you're like... You're backwards. You're like this. You're backwards.

Yeah. How are you going to shoot in the toilet? You're backwards. Unless you're scooted back. Whoa. Oh, you're sitting down. Yeah, dude. I'm standing.

That's why... Well, that's why you're missing. I'm sitting and shooting it in. I don't think I could come like this. Like, RBA is one. What's up? My batting average is one.

Never missed. For that? Yeah, no, I can't do that. I like, the grossest time period in my whole entire life was there was a time period where I had a roll of paper towels

in my room. It was just like I was eating wings in bed and I'm like, that's just fucking nasty. Like, that is too much. What? Having paper towels in your room? We had crumpled up paper towels?

No, no, no, no. I would use them and then, like, throw them in the trash. That's not gross at all. It just seems gross that it was set up like that. It's like blowing your nose and throwing it in the trash

and be like, I'm a fucking dude. I guess so. It's way grosser to come on the backboard of your toilet. Yeah. We got this whole argument. So one of my roommates was like, dude, I don't think it's a sex crime to come into a public toilet

because you're shitting there. Shitting is more disturbing than coming in there. I agree. Unless. Unless. Notwithstanding that there's other people in there. If you're subjecting them to something you're doing,

That's a sex crime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think. But if no one's in there, that's a good time. Well, also, but why do you got to do that in public? So you don't commit a sex crime later? Yes, exactly. It's sex crime prevention.

Well, it's like a road trip. Like, I've had a really long road trip. You're saving a life. A load trip, yeah. Load trip, yeah. But, no, I had one where I did try to do that in a wah-wah bathroom. A rest pop. It started knocking on the thing to fuck with me.

And then I was like, ah, this just ruined it. That's right. That's awesome that he was fucking with you. You guys live such different lives. Like, can you know, I've never once thought I'll just run to the bathroom and take care of this. Well, you take care of it and then you're like better on the road

and you're like not going to like cut some car off a trip. You need to lower your testosterone levels. I'm not doing it so much on road trips. It's more like during the day if I'm like bored or just like procrastinating. At work or whatever. That's so wild. I said it as a goodbye to my middle school. I was like goodbye and I grew top into the toilet. I was like, see you forever. But we're getting this argument. My fucking friend, my roommate was like, oh well you know. I'm a friend, my roommate.

He's like, what would you have? see in public a guy jerking off or a guy's shitting. I was like, well, probably a guy jerking off. You'd rather see that in public? Yeah, because we're talking about, what is the number one, it's P, number two is poop, so where's number three? And where to Farts land? Are Farts, 0.5s? Farts are number one, they're so funny. Farts are, yeah,

God's gift of comedy. But one is Pee. So Farts have to be... What do you say? We're talking about the number one, number two scale. I'm taking a number one. I thought you were ranking what you'd rather see. What are you talking about? No, it's A, B, C, for the ranking. No, it's always been I'm taking to number one or number two. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. So is a fart. Is fart number three or is cum number three? Yes. No, part's definitely not number three. Is far... That's hilarious. It's like, fart's the number one.

Fart's your number one. Tea fart all day. Yeah. You said the God's gift to comedy, so you're right in this boat with me. Yeah. And they are. But I'd much rather see a guy fart, but I see what you're asking. I think a fart's 1.5.

So it's more than being. Have you ever seen one of your friends get farted on by someone they don't know. Hilarious. God's, oh, yes. Say it again. Women, fucking. Women rip them in fucking bars.

There's a lot of girls. I part all the time. Yeah, leather jackets, a lot of blonde chicks. Hang it. I'm telling you girls, it look just like you. You walk. Grass fed. You just walk by and you're like, somebody, I know he's fucking good.

Probably me. I have mastered the silent by deadly. Oh, my God. And then you can always blame it on a guy. Yeah. No one ever looks to the lady. No. Especially an attractive lady is who just shit ripped.

And they start doing like that. Oh my god. And you go, you guys smell that? Yeah, that's gross. Yeah, it was definitely on us.

We definitely didn't fart. I wonder Smelt the Delta was originally about a woman. A hundred percent. They're like, I know she's fucking lying. A manipulation tactic. Yeah.

A woman created that. The most gaslighting system in the world. Well, there's like two things you guys like to do at bars. I mean, there's a million, but there's farting a bunch

and then just just, just fucking. just all night long. Then dropping a glass and then disappearing so far. Guilty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Guilty.

You don't clean it up? I... No, you fucking don't. No, yeah, not once. Well, that's not my... That's not my job. I don't work here. Guys drop...

The guys are the opposite. Somebody drops a glass and the guys just going in there with like his bare hands. But what I will do, I'll stand there and all... And while someone else cleans it up, which is probably like the whatever guy

I'm around, I go, I'm so sorry. Do you need help? And then they go, no, no, it's fine. Now I'm sorry. But do you claim it's you? I never cleaned up another person's glass. Oh, if I drop a glass? Yeah.

Did people see it or no? You don't really know. Like music's playing, you drop a glass. Okay, so if no one sees it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You dip into the darkness. Yeah, I'm out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If some people see it, I go, oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah. Yeah, I drop a lot. I mostly drop plastic cups. I don't drop drinks all the time. I don't drop drinks all the time. I knockover cups.

I'm like... I was at a bar in Michigan with my brother and I put the beer a guy just given me on the bar but it was the longest you know how they have

the curbs at the end of the bar? Yeah. So, you know, this was like a foot long curb and it was just a slight decline. So I put it on there not knowing it was like curved and I just watched it

shattered. It was like four seconds. I was like, what's going on? And then it broke. Because then it's like a bar like that you get kicked out of the bar sometimes for like breaking a glass.

Really? No. Not if it's not if it's not if it's, Not if you're not belligerently drunk. But I am. Oh, I see. It's like an alarm. It's an alarm.

It's an alarm. Like I got almost kicked out of a bar when I was with that Irish girl because I like fucking K-hold at this bar. And then I thought I was totally fine. That's where he consumed too much K-pop. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, oh, he's like.

Get that guy bad. This guy has a fucking problem. I got like spiky hair. I'm just like, ching. I don't think there's a ching that much. I did not say ching. In Korea, it's Chong. okay okay um i was k-pop overdose a darn no it was in a k-pop hole

i was in a cake pop hole yeah yeah i was just eating as well but uh no it was bad because i was like i didn't feel that fucked up and i went to smoke a cigarette and then i just felt the ground like sinking like quicksand and i was like fuck and then the door guy's like no i was just like fuck and then the door guy's like you good man and i was like uh and then she had to like charm her way She's got an Irish accent. She's like, I'm just staying with him for a couple weeks. Was she on Kenameen, too? No, no, no.

She was just babysitting. Yeah, yeah. But it was like one of those things, too, where it was just like babysitting. I was like, wow, to call me. But, yeah, I don't know. I don't often get kicked out of bars. I think that was probably, but we were let back in, but I don't know. I've been kicked out of a bar once, and it's because I got head-budded, and they kicked us both out.

Was it Shilaboof? I wish. I wish. It was so much cool. No, this guy, this, like, big guy put his hand on my friend's boob, and she was, like, bothered by it, and I slapped his hand away, and I, like, I was drunk, so I was like, don't fucking touch her. Then he just went, boom.

But he was huge, so he, like, had to go down. Oh, he had to, like, squat. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy to head by you. He butted the shit out of me. It's a headbutt a woman at all, and then with such a height difference. I know. And also, like, yeah.

He couldn't need you in the chin, probably. I know. That would have been easier. You could have just picked you up and tossed you. Yeah. Yeah. That's insane. That's crazy.

It was crazy. Because he never hits a woman. We both got kicked out and that was it. I started crying. And he's like, I've never hit a woman. I've headbutter. Yeah,

yeah, he's like, I would never lay a hand on a woman. I would fucking head butt the shit out of it. Yeah. This was in Canada also. I'd hit her with the drop. I think Canadians are nice.

They're not that nice. They're not that nice. They're not that much. It was in Ottawa. Ottawa. Is that an oil town? No, you're a fucking land man.

I think they found a, I think they struck there. It's above Detroit? No, that's Toronto. Toronto, okay. I don't really know Canada. Ottawa is like, it's the capital of Canada. Where's Martinello from?

Danny? Yeah. Danny's from Alberta. Okay. But lived in Toronto. Okay, because he was an oil man. Danny was an oil man. That's how he made all his money to come to the United States.

You make a shit done. I still picture him having a southern accent, even though he's from Canada. Have you met him? No, but he's got the thickest Canadian accent in the world. Yeah, but. Yeah, dude. He's like, fuck, he's like, dude. I was ripping broskees with the burrows

Ditchardy. Whatever. It doesn't even make sense, but that's him, bro. Yeah, it's like, he's very funny. And he's got the build of an oil man, too. He's like, ripped. But I think you have to be, you die. He's like, yeah, he, yeah.

Danny Marnell. Okay, I'll remember. Yeah, keep it in your pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She'll do this all the time. He's too excited. Yeah, anyway. Anyway, so this guy fucking headbutted me.

And it was Danny. He headbutted me. I asked him to actually. that that I will say this thanks for such a fun time the night pre-all cherished and spruce forever I like with the Shailabov relapsing thing like I hate so what happened I didn't actually

I saw the video of the fallout but what happens he's been sober for years and then he just went to Mardi Gras completely alone which I hate how much I like it it's so sick and then just like got drunk as fuck started fighting everybody like there was articles like Shilabuff is terrorizing Bourbon Street

right now. There's one video of him. He's got his hands in his shirt. Yeah, you know when you, like, teradactyl it? Like, you put your little hands in your shirt? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then just headbucks again. Oh, whoa. And he said, and now we're even Stevens. No way. No, he didn't say that. That would have been great. That was a moment of clarity there.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Come on. He's just, it's just him hanging out with, like, hood black dudes. But, like, I like that he didn't go with other celebrities.

Like, he's just on his own personal journey that's horrendous. But, like, it's sad, but I am like this is like if you're going to relapse. It'd be like I relapsed and went to Coachella. Like you know what I mean? It's like a cool thing to do. Poor guy though.

No, yeah, yeah. No, it's definitely sad. He was such a cute kid. Yeah. He's an amazing actor too. Yeah, I bet. Well, this was like the mystery of it all. People didn't know this.

The real hole was down here. It was hard. The real K-hole. Yeah. Have you seen that movie? What? Yeah. Yeah.

He was in Fury. He's very good in Fury. Transformers. He was a Bible thumping Christian. He was good in Transombers. I mean, Transformers won's a good movie. Yeah, yeah. The last night I watched recently for no reason.

Transformers, the last night? Horrible. He had one called, like, Honeyboy, didn't he? Yeah, that was supposed to be about his life. He played like his dad. He was hanging about a falcon, about Michael. He was hanging out with a guy like Mike. You're not invited my birthday.

Yeah, that one was good. Oh, shit. And then he did the Western one that was supposed to be really good. Like, come on, guys. Landman No Germs, guns and steel I don't know

Something like that He uh Germs guns and steel You know what I watched last night In Bald My eyes I watched Click last night Oh The Adam Sandler movie

Yes I was You know what my I think My boyfriend was telling me About how that movie made him cry It's so fucking sad I've never seen it

You have to see it But the weird part of the movie So basically He gets a remote So he can like Speed up his life Like the things he doesn't want to do but then it takes on a life of itself

and it starts just fast forward through his whole life. And he starts to die, right? Yeah, but the weirdest part is he's like learning all these lessons about family and then he has to give a speech at his daughter's wedding because he gets to, or his son's wedding. And then he gives like a two minute, two second speech.

He's just like, glad you guys all made it. I'm like, you just learned so much shit. Why did you not, but it got me really in touch. Because they didn't have to go through all that bullshit. Yeah, so he's like, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. But it's so sad that I was like, you know what? I'm going to like reach out with my family.

Like, I was getting really like texting my mom. and then I started doing some family lineage look up and it was bad. I was like, there are so bad. What do you mean? It was bad. There was a hate crime somewhere back in Mississippi. Oh, right.

Your Florida family. Like two years ago? No, no, no, no, no. It was like 1800s, but I was like, fuck, man. Well, that could have been long COVID if it was two years. That's true, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I was like, damn, this sucks. Like, I was like, I hate.

And the guy kind of looked like me. And I was like, not the guy that happened to. He was black. but the guy who did it and I was just like how sure can we be of these lineage results I have a lot of skepticism I think is my grandma the very same who I visited in Eustace

I got a side story about a different relative I got to tell you like she's just for mental note I lost my train where's my train going? I don't know you were so you were so composed there you're talking about lynchiange lineage family lineage

lynchiage yeah Yeah, are they accurate with the ancestry? Because my grandma... It's like your DNA, so I feel like probably... I didn't do DNA. I'd start typing in names. Oh. And then I, like, asked a family member... Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that could be anything. Right. No, no, no, no. But then I was told that a family member of mine did it and they found this guy who, like, committed a hate crime. Well, that, I believe, where they're like, oh, yeah, great granddad and whatever, and we know people. Yeah. I get the more anecdotal, like, yeah, we knew that. See, I buy the spit shit more.

Dude, my uncle... No, they did it with a lizard. They did it was an iguana, and it came back as like Irish. My uncle took a test. This is how Gullablan. I love my uncle. He believes that we are direct descendants of Robert the Bruce, who was like the first king of Scotland or something.

And then he took whoever wanted to go, it was like $1,500 per person. I did not go. Why? To some castle, Thirlstein castle in Scotland, because that's where Robert the Bruce was. And this was like our family fucking castle. and he's like, yeah, this is where the Russell's, you know, started. So we're all going to go and, you know, be in the castle. Why didn't you go?

It was $1,500. And also it's fucking bullshit. We're not related to Robert the... Yeah. Oh, well, then fuck it. Yeah. So, yeah. So, fuck that.

That's just sounds like a cool guy at a bar. Like, Robert the Bruce is here. Robert the Bruce. Kicks a jukebox. It comes on. That kind of guy. Yeah. But, yeah, me and my brother were joking.

We're like, do you want to go shit in the fucking dungeon with Scott for a week? And then we were like, I bet they changed the last name of the castle every week just to get a new group of families. That's such a good idea. Yeah, Robert the Bruce, that was like the Klein's. Robert was Jewish. Yeah, it was Robert the Baruch. Yeah, it was a...

That guy probably did some bullshit, too. I'm just trying to take everything off me now. I'm like, he was probably torturing people and stuff. What's his name? Robert the... Robert the Bruce. There's a movie about him that's supposed to be really good. But there's no fucking way.

I'm related to the king of Scotland. Yeah. I was hoping. But maybe you are. Maybe. Maybe I am. I was hoping to find some lies. I was hoping that like my real dad.

No, I'm not my dad. Talk to my uncle. He'll get you some lies. Yeah. I was hoping like my grandpa would actually be like Robert Redford or so. I was hoping I was like, fine. I'm like,

oh my God, they never told me this. Are there any famous goods? No. Besides that lady that got shot like a month ago. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. So no. We like I think we're related to some guys. who started, we apparently related to some guy who signed the Declaration of Independence named John Morton. That I got weirdly excited about.

I was like, rebellion is in my fucking blood. But then I saw the hate crime thing and I was like... Don't tread on me. I'm a snake. I think I told my ex that I was like, yeah, rebellion's just in my blood. I'm rebellious people. I gotta cheat, babe.

Yeah, I got to cheat. South horizon. Yeah. But then I felt the hate... Dude, I was boiling with the hate crime. I was just like, dude, I was so angry. I was just like, fuck this guy, he ruined everything. But I'm also like, you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger's dad was a Nazi.

So it's like, you know, I don't think who you're related to. I don't think there's any sort of thing with that. Yeah. Plus, you always, you know, you want to rebel against your parents. So it's probably better if your dad's racist. If he's not, that could be bad. Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that would be. He's like, son, everyone's equal. It's like, shut up, dad. Yeah. What the what do you know? I made a list. Yeah.

I love the idea of Arnold Schwarzenegger's dad being like a dick. He's like, you have to. You have to be in. Nazi. You have to. He's like, no, I want to lift weights, Dad. He's like, you'll never go anywhere with the weight lifting. I want to lift weights with black men. Yeah. Mexicans. No son of mine will lift weights of black men. You ever just go through just like old YouTube, like just clips of movies you're never going to watch? Yeah. Like, you know, fight scenes or whatever. Yeah. One big pet peeve of

mine, which is related to the headbutt thing and like what else he could have done to hurt you. Oh. It annoyed me that it was, I think it's like alien versus Apex Alien Predator Bullshit thing? I don't know. I just saw the fight scene and it's this huge Predator thing picks up a guy like jumps, the guy shoots him he jumps behind the guy, Predator

picks him up and instead of ripping him apart he just throws him across the room. What's with the throwing? I like it. Well, I mean, sure, but he's not trying to make this guy come. Yeah, he's just trying to kill him. Yeah, if you're a predator you just rip the guy. You rip him, you break his

spine, you kill him right there. not fun to watch on... I know, but it's not fun when it's not earned, too. It's like, all right, well, you just threw them away. You're just... Okay, now you're, as the Predator, just doing choreography. I don't like that. Yeah.

Those are fun, though. The Alien vs. Predator 2 was the worst movie ever made, though. You ever seen that one? I don't remember. Alien vs. Predator was, like, fine. Alien Verse Predator 2. It's a movie that you can't recognize a single person in it. You're like, none of these people had careers after this.

Oh, man. It was kind of like the... What's His Name? Well, Bonnie Blue, though, she ended up pretty good. Yeah. Isn't she in jail? Free Bonnie Blue. For what?

She's, like, banned from... Indonesia. Oh, I'm probably banned from there. We're all banned from there. That's a strict country. Yeah. I don't know. I get mad about...

I get really defensive of porn stars. That's okay. What about the movie thing? You had a movie thing? Oh, yeah. Chris O'Donnell. His career was ruined by... He did Batman and Robin.

He played Robin in a couple of these movies. And he's always like, these movies ruined my career. And George Clooney's I'll have these great careers afterwards, same with like Uma Thurman. He was Batman, though, right? George Colleen was, yeah. And the guy that played Robin. Nobody likes Robin as a character, really.

I do. I'm like the only guy. Well, that's telling. I'm trying to get the actual Robin on the pod. So he sells, I'm not even kidding. This guy sells cat food online. He played Robin in the 1960s Batman. I'm sure he still makes money. I think cat food's probably just a passion. But him and Adam West would go to fucking orgies. They were like sex symbols in the 60s. They would get their dick sucked, then go fight fucking.

They'd be like, today you're going to do a surf competition with the Joker. Easiest job. They're just doing like one take. They're sex symbols. Oh, they're just doing appearances. Yeah, they're just hopping in. That's the ideal life.

Yeah, that's my dream. And you look at their bodies? It's amazing. It's not like nowadays, like you want to play Batman? You're going to have steroids and eat apples for like nine months. Yeah, Clooney didn't even have abs. No. Yeah.

They killed Heath Ledger playing the Joker. Like, like, a fucking a thing. Yeah, he doesn't have a thing. Of course he has a thing. He's got a thing. But Christian Bale is like jacked. Yeah, but he doesn't have the same thing. You're right.

Yeah. Yeah. You know? Is everything I have to be horny with you? It's not horny. That's not horny. No, I'm just not. Yeah.

I don't know. That would just be the best. Seriously, though, it's like kind of ruining it. Yeah. We're going for laughs. Yeah. I already came back to a fucking blown sewage. I don't need you ruining his couch.

Yeah. Do we got to wrap up? I have one quick story. I got to tell. Let's hear it. Sorry, Gigi. I feel like I didn't give you enough fair time. No, I don't care.

Okay. Yeah, we're good. I'm in Eustace, and my mom's just telling me, you know, we all, do you guys have any family members in, like, cognitive decline? Yeah. Yeah? How are they doing? Not so good.

Declining. Well, one of mine is very sharp and stuff, and they're, you know, he's fit and whatever, but there have been little things that are slipping. Like, he thought that my cousin had triplets, but she really had twins. It's, like, very minor stuff, but he went. to me told my mom, he's like, this did kind of scare me. He's like, the other day, I forgot about 9-11. Which is like the one thing 9-11 asks of you.

Just to not forget. Just to never forget. I would say I forget about 9-11 for like seven days. No, but he forgot that it happened. Ever happened? Oh, so it's not like he just wasn't thinking about it. No, I mean, it's always on my mind because I'm a blooded American. Yeah.

But, yeah, he just had no idea. Wow. I don't even, I got to, I should follow up as like, in what context. Yeah. Yeah, because I'm like, four days a week. I'm just not thinking about 9-11. Was he watching like a-

You think about 9-11, three days a week? Not really. Like it'll pop into my brain. Really? Was he watching like Home Alone or something? And he's like, where'd those buildings go? Yeah. I feel like they used to be there.

Did they turn into something else? Yeah. What? Yeah, did they remodel those? Yeah. But I would rather, I know it sounds bad, but I would rather him forget about that than me. Yeah.

Right? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Who cares? Forget that we got Bin Laden. He's still out there. Yeah. Forget that he's important because 9-11 didn't happen.

Also, that's kind of nice that like every tragedy like starts to slip before anything else. Your life just becomes great. That's what's so weird. It's different for everybody. Yeah. People remember songs, but not their children. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah.

That's crazy. Well, I do. He's like, who are you? I don't know much, but I know I love my chicken fried. I'm your daughter. I've paid thousands of dollars for you to be alive still. Yeah, that's pretty brutal. I have like bad memories, Will.

completely fade out. Like, I picture every era of my life being sick as hell. Like, I forget all about... Really? Yeah, like, I forget about ever being actually depressed. I'm like high school. Every day was great. College, every day was great. Last week, every day was great. Really? Yeah, yeah. I feel like I remember bad things more than I remember good things.

Damn, that sucks. I know. It's kind of sad when you say that about, but genuinely, like, I can like pinpoint those things, but like a happy... Can you name a bad thing and then, like, a good thing that also happened in that time period? Like, which time period? Eighth grade. Okay, bad thing.

And also kind of a good thing. I had my first kiss in eighth grade, and I kissed the guy. And he, after he kissed me, he went, have you ever kissed anyone before? And I went, no. And he went, I could tell. Oh, yeah. And that haunted me for a couple years. Everybody's bad at kissing when they start.

Also, how bad can I be? I'm a girl. What is that name? I got lips. They're soft. Yeah, they're soft. Yeah, but it's like you get. teeth in there. Some people were bad at kissing.

The tongue sink. Yeah. So there's sinking that has to happen. So that's like a core memory. And then like a good memory from eighth grade? There had to be so. A pool party? Dang. I don't. That was a sick year for me. Eighth grade? That's probably the best year in my life. Really? Yeah. They're fucking downhill.

Kiss some dumb bitch you didn't know how to kiss. Yeah. I hate to do this, but we got to wrap up. We can wrap up. Oh, what do you guys want to promote? Gigi comedy on Instagram. Zach Russell Comedy. I just filmed a special that will be coming out

whenever I find someone who can master the audio. Perfect. I've had some trouble with that. But yeah, Zach Russell comedy. My producer might be able to do. Yeah, they're both fucking hilarious. So go see them

and thank you for listening. Yay!