Morning Good - Exposing Morning Good - Episode 225

Episode Date: June 16, 2024

Abe Shapiro returns to the show for today's episode alongside a mystery guest. They talk about podcast companion podcasts, going to raves on ketamine, and beefing with other comics. Thanks to Abe for coming back on the show, find him on one earlier episode of the show and follow him on Instagram @abeshaps for more. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. All right, here with Abe Shapiro. Why don't we test my microphone? And mystery, what? Oh, I don't know. And we're here with a mystery guest, too.

So, yeah, this is your, this. This is the picking up NYU Twinks podcast. Oh, so I got to give tips and tricks. Yeah. They're really like Palestine? No, no, no. This was us picking you up. Oh, oh, oh.

So you guys are going to explain. Oops. Mystery guest dropped. You didn't give a last name. It's Stein. What? No, that's a real guy. Don't blow a guy up.

Who's R.L. Stein? He's an author. Goosepumps guy. That's so funny. I'm going to make the spookiest books for kids. Yeah, you're holding the mic wrong. Hey, shut the fuck up. Every time on this podcast, Michael Goode's like,

dude, let's hold it up here. Hold it like right under the head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For 30 seconds in, you're holding it's so wrong. Yeah, well, it does. And this is, look, this is a, this is one of these episodes where we're like, I need to get one in.

So this isn't important. This could go literally, what do you, what are you looking at right now on your phone? Hardin just sent me something. Oh, okay, look like boobs. Yeah, that's funny to get on your phone as soon as the, podcast begins. Yeah, well, as soon as the podcast begins, he dropped my name.

Right. And then he held the mic wrong. So, the mystery guest. Fucking the inmates were running the asylum here. I'm also going to be real. Do whatever I want. You ship my pants. But is that what you want to do? I said, whatever I want. I'm going to poop. Dude, if somebody poopes her pants on Joe Rogan, that's a rebel shit. People should do that Joe Rogan. Like, that's about the last thing you can do to be a real rebel. Bro, Shane Gillis went on Joe Rogan and shit his pants, bro.

They shouldn't do that. He should have a really important scientist come on with, like, really important information. And then the scientist just 30 minutes in shits his pants, but he doesn't address it and just has to keep... Just feed him, like, coffee and bananas and stuff the whole time. Just try to get it. He's just... He's just plain quantum mechanics to me. Yeah.

Um, so the way. You ever see on Joe Rogan when he has a scientist on, and the guy is clearly, like, so excited to be friends with Joe Rogan? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I've always been a fan of comedy. My favorite album is That N-word is Crazy by Richard Pryor. What do you think of that one? I'm actually sort of the Joe Rogan of the research facility. We got a real Brennan Shob over here. But yeah, I think the best move would be like if he could, if I was a scientist on Joe Rogen, you shit your pants 30 minutes in so he can't kick you out of the studio because this is like a really important interview.

And the guests can't smell it. but Joe can just smell just straight diarrhea. So step one has become a really important scientist. Yes, which I am working on right now. Yeah, yeah. And then stuff too is shit your pants in the Joe Rogan studio. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

I can see that coming together for you, honestly. You know what, though? He probably has, like, he probably has chairs that if you fart in it, it, like, pulls the air out. It's like, you can't actually fart inside. I've never heard a fart on that podcast. No. If you're going to be a high-level podcast, you've got to invest in.

In fart chairs. They suck it out. Japanese fart sucking chairs. They suck. The air has to go somewhere, though. So, yeah, it basically, like, it sucks it in. And then funnels into Jamie's face. Jamie's just a fart pervert.

Jamie, could you, uh, can you look that up for me? He was like, all right. It sounds like a World War I gas mask on. That's why his voice sounds so fucking neutered. Yeah. Yeah, you can look that up. actually I was thinking. Who's that one guy who's

always talking about edibles on that podcast? Do you dears? I took like I injected 400 edibles into my ass. That's a rough day for Jamie. I'll tell you what. In the comedy store I had sex with 45. It was different time back then. I didn't eight ball and punched a four-year-old in the face, but comedy is different nowadays. You know, you can't do that.

All this woke shit. dude Joey Diaz looks you know he's like younger than my mom and he looks I don't know how old your mom he's like 29 no he's not but he's like weirdly he looks like the like most

he looks like how much drugs he's done he looks yeah yeah it's weird to be so like passionate about edible he's a legend though in the belly room everyone's talking about him a lot is because he's got a big in the belly room

and that's a story yeah yeah man and you and Bobby Lee and Eli Swing co-headlines. Eli Swing, the goat. My boy. Love that guy. But yeah.

We'll talk after the pond. We're dropping names. We just talk about NYC local comics. Just talk about open mic comedians who are my same age. If anyone's watching us, look up Eli's swing. Yeah. He's up next. Every time I go to the pair, he's like my favorite comic to watch.

He's very fun to watch. Yeah. but pussy got this comedy podcast bro no this is the episode where we try literally the least hard I'm going to try just literally let's try to make it the least pleasurable

listening experience. It's the only way I'm going to be good on a podcast. This is like the Joe Rogan companion podcast we have no relationship to any of those guys but we're like dude Joey is like it looks like he's a little sick we discuss the podcast after every drop we drop our own podcast to our

It's like he seemed a little sluggish at around the 45 mark, but he pulled it together with that discussion of apes. I think Duncan didn't really have the right coffee. Right. That would be the worst thing to listen. Like, you play like the one of like the three hour ones that have four guys on it. And then our six hour one right after. And it's just a commentary where you pause it and talk about it. All audio.

Yeah. It's like the worst fucking thing. I would watch that though. Get a couple of guys like us on the phone. Well, my favorites are the videos. watch those videos with the guys just roasting, kill Tony guys. And they're like, this is, there's this one guy who goes on there. He's like, this is classic Tony.

He's like, he's obviously good at all. Every time I, I just want to, I just want to relax and watch podcast clips. But I'll get like, it'll be like, uh, that's how it'll be like, uh, Shane Gillis beefs with whoever with like, uh, who's, they hate Shultz now. Shane Gillis beast with Shultz and those guys like, guys, I think Shane Gillis is on our side regarding Andrew Shultz. and then he just talks about how annoying he was the whole podcast. This is the most inception ever. We got to stop talking about a podcast. The people who make fun of other podcasts.

We were quite removed here. We're the deepest in the metaverse of any of these guys. Dude, if anybody's listening, make a commenting on Morning Good commenting on this guy. Make a 30-minute documentary exposing Morning Good. It's just my face like, and it's like dark. It's like the shocking truth behind Michael Good, the Morning Good podcast. I like how you started that. You were like, every time I just want to relax and watch podcast clips, that's exactly

what you want to watch, just people talking about. I don't want, well, I want to watch certain people. I want to watch Tony Hinchcliff doing this thing, bro. Oh, yeah, he loves. I'm the hungriest wall. I love him as a character. He's the funniest. I hate, bro, I hate him.

I don't want to burn my bridges. Yo. Yeah. Shots fired at Kill Tony. In a month, I'm going to see you on Kill Tony. and they're pulling up this clip. Bro, just every time he's on a podcast, he's on every story he tells.

He's just like, yeah, I was roasting this dude so freaking hard. He couldn't handle it. So he got up all in my face and I was like, motherfucker, shut up. And then I said,

I hope your baby gets raped by seven elephants. You couldn't handle the heat. You should try to manifest beef with just keep posting like clickbait thumbnails. Abe Shapiro, beef with Tony. Hinch. Six question marks, fire emoji. Abe Shapiro just picked up

a dub in his beef with Tony Inchcliffe. Is Abe Shapiro pulling a head in the Tony Hinkliff beef? I bet if you did that for six months, you would get a response out of Tony inchcliff. Yeah, but I don't want to get in a

meat grinder, bro. He's got to have some nasty puns about me being Jewish. Abe Shapiro, more like Abe, not sharp in the head. Exactly, exactly. Not a hero. I've never heard a roast joke that I was like, this would hurt my feelings.

I've heard some really funny one. Everyone, my favorite, every time somebody roasts me, they roast about how fat I am, but it's always right when I lost weight. Like, I'm very Jonah Hillbody. I get fat, I get skinny. And every time somebody tries to roast me, I lost weight. I'm like, nice fucking try. Right.

Yeah. I'm trying to think of everybody. One time. We pull up a clip of you in a roast battle and you're like, you're fat as fuck. someone roast you and you're like nice try I'm skinny now eating cake

little do you know I just lost weight I've actually lost five pounds I'm the skinniest I've ever been I for sure have fucking body dysmorphia though because whenever I was fat I didn't think I was fat Oh you got good body dysmorphia

I well it's I think I look better than I Yeah that's good body dysmorphia. Not if you're fucking eating garbage. Because this is what I would fucking do. I'd get ramen noodles and throw peanut butter in there and just eat that. That shit. It's tasty as fuck. Yeah, but it's fucking garbage. Then I'd have like microwavable hot dogs

all day and then have like pizza for dinner. And I would do that every day. It's the point where my sister was like listening to my podcast. She's like, you really have to eat differently. I'm like shut up, bitch. Yeah, your sister sounds like a... There's nothing. There's nothing wrong with being fat. Bean fat's awesome.

Tell you what, if you're a chick keep being fat. If you're a guy, you have labor to attend to, you can't be... You know what, too, though? If everybody gets really fat... They need, like, bouncers and stuff, you know? Dude, there's that one bouncer off the wagon.

It might be the fattest person I've ever seen, and I'm like, there's no way he's winning any fights. He told me he listens to the pot. Oh, fuck, my bad, dude. Oh, fuck, fuck, dude. Dude, I mean, you're fucking... You got sick abs, dude. Yeah.

You got the coolest stomach I've ever seen. But I heard he... I heard there's one thing that where these kids were, like, fucking with him. and then he took some kids' phone. And it was like, these kids got kicked out of the bar. They're like super like fratty guys.

They're like, we're going to fucking sue the shit out of you for like kicking us out of this bar. And he just goes up. Cocaine in the bathroom. It goes, oh, you forgot your phone and just throws it across McDougal.

To the point, apparently like it was in the air long enough for everybody on the street to just stare at it. That's awesome. He probably opened it. I want to break more things. He probably looked at the phone

and there was a text being like, this bouncer fattish shit. It is funny with, he's cross. Ryan. He throws it. Dude, it is really funny when dudes get fun for being fat and they get really upset. Yeah. It's like, come on. But you know what I did realize, though? This, the longest time, I've been losing and gaining weight. And I'm like, guys, it's, you're in control of it. And then I talk to people that have like a parent. I don't know if people are either lying.

Like thyroid stuff? Yeah. I don't know people are lying or they just have really bad metabolism, but I'll talk to guys that are fat and they'll be like, yeah, no, I like just chicken and rice every single day and I just, I exercise. And that's cap, I think. You think they're lying? I don't think that's cap. I think some people, I, I am, I like can't really gain that much weight. Okay. You know, so, like, I see other people who... Tell that to your thighs.

Wait, wait, wait, what? Hey, tell that to your fucking fat winner. All right, that was kind of nice. Yeah, that's not so bad. But, yeah, I'll eat, sometimes I eat, like, shit, and I just don't, like, I don't exercise. We've been recording any of that. of that. I'm just kidding.

But I just like get skinny or I don't get like a gut or anything. Interesting. Yeah, but the idea that that some obese man only eats chicken, like maybe they But I think that there is the opposite thing where some guys just gain a bunch of weight and then it's just like way more difficult for them to shed it. Yeah, I mean. Like the way it is for some people to gain it. I love that.

The idea of the fat guy just shedding his skin. My brother's like rail thin and no matter what he like drinks. protein shakes and shit to it. He just doesn't gain any weight. Dude, my brother's kind of like that too. Like, he, he has a hard time gaining weight. I just get, like, I just get, like, no tension in my body if I start eating bad. Like, I just get flabby, but it's the same, like, 175 I stick out. Can we delete that part on?

I don't hold my weight out there. So what was that? You're asking whether there's fentanyl test strips on the table? Bro, come on. My grandma listen. You keep using a different family member. Well, that's not what he said. He said, can I have those fentanyl test? Can I pay you for those fentanyl test strips? It's so funny too because we're going to Walgreens and like some Walgreens have fentanyl test strips.

Some of them don't. So it's like, what's going on with? Is this neighborhood you're just like, I don't know. They don't need to really test it. My buddy recommended he's like, because we're doing ketamine this weekend. And my buddy's like, uh, dog. What? Are you okay?

No. it'll be fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wasn't doing ketamine, by the way. No, no, no, no, no. You were not doing ketamine. Only me and Patty, Patrick DeFino, who works at, what's a company name that you work? I'm just kidding.

But it was very funny. My buddy's like, my buddy's like, yeah, dude, I bet you homeless shelters have, like, testing kits. I'm like, they might have fentanyl testing kits. They're not going to have, like, what's the purest shit? Like, they're not going to have the shit that's, like, making sure the homeless guys get, like, the cleanest. Is that what those do? No, I have a separate ones. That's just a test that there's fentanyl on it.

And then there's other ones that test like... Jesus, you can buy that like a drugstore? No, you buy the one thing online. And then you buy the fentanyl tests. Yeah. Yeah. No, you shouldn't... If they got limited occupancy, they should not hand out fentanyl test strips.

That's my hot take. What do you mean? Shut up. What do you mean? No, I mean, like, if at a homeless shelter, it's like there's a limited number of beds. Oh, yeah, I shouldn't go by and be like, dude, we're trying to, yeah, we're going to fucking race. really?

Yeah. I like to think of a drug dealer who puts fentanyl in their drugs as being like a really nice positive guy. Yeah. Tests the drugs. And he's like, look, guys, I'll be honest, this stuff isn't very strong.

Yeah. And I have the best customers on earth. Yeah. I want to give them something nice and strong. Yeah. Sprinkles it on like salt, man. Yeah.

And he's like, this is going to be great. Well, it's funny too because there's got to be dudes that love fentanyl and this is like a renaissance for them. Like this is like show. You know what I mean? Like,

this is their time. Yeah. Because there are people to like fentanyl. I think there are people to do heroin. They're like heroin's not as good as fentanyl. How long has fentanyl even been around for? Pretty long. Like honestly,

I was in high school there was like fentanyl. Oh. Yeah. Damn. But back then it was used as a horsy warmer. Oh, shut the fuck up, Chris Cuomo. Those things are so funny. Chris Cuomo's being jacked, arguing with people on different things about.

I've been like, I don't really follow any of that crap, but it is. funny when people talk about like how lame Chris Cuomo is and then they show him and I'm like this guy looks awesome. I love Chris Cuomo. This guy looks so cool. Well, it's definitely too because he's like so like he's so combative and like just constantly like I mean the best thing ever was when he like a guy called him a Fredo and he came up to the guy. You remember this? No. So Frato is the guy who betrayed. I know. I know. I know. Yeah. Somebody called him afraid at home at a bar and it's just him just being a fucking guido and he's just like that's like the fucking n word for italian he literally said that it is cool that's like that's pretty much saying you can trace using the n word back to like

a movie from the 70s and there's such a big difference because it's like we like black people now italian we still don't like italians yeah we still hate fredo yeah but he was the heart of the he was the hard of the godfather movies fray fredo yeah my grandma what should be That guy's name is John Kazali, the actor that played that guy. He has, like, the worst just look of a guy. Wait, wasn't he in, like, two movies or something? He was in four movies, and they all won the Academy Award for Best Movie. Yeah.

He was supposed to be the next best thing, or the next new thing or whatever. And then he got shot on that boat, right? Oh, he's dead? Yeah. You know what he made five movies, and he died. Yeah, then they took the footage, and they put it up out of that. See, he got shot on the boat. They're like, this would kind of fit into the movie.

the plot of the movie. There is no way to fake a silhouette of a man getting shot. You have to do it for real. Yeah. Yeah. What do you text about now? No, that's cool. He's playing he's playing flappy bird. No, I literally said this would be the least effort podcast. Yeah. Let's do a flappy bird. Can you still get that out? Because isn't the guy? You're talking about angry birds? No, no, no, no, no. That's, bro, you ageing yourself for real. Flappy birds is like my generation's angry birds. How old are you? I'm not. I'm not. I'm 15. Oh, okay.

This might not. Do you know what? You know what Flappy Birds is? Flappy Bird? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, apparently some people killed themselves because it was too difficult of a game. The guy that made Flappy Bird is like my favorite tech guy of all time.

Yeah, yeah. So he made that game. It became the most popular iPhone game at the time. And it would drive people fucking crazy. And then he just took it off the app. He's like, I don't want to be responsible for this. People said that they were killing themselves because of Flappy Bird. But that was, I don't know if that was.

and he there's no way that was actually what's bro i don't know it is also interesting kids these days fragile as hell eating tide pods and shit in my back in my day things was different yeah yeah i like how they people attributed all that to like the internet and stuff they're like there's like an epidemic of kids eating tide pods but like yeah kids just eat whatever it looks like of candy well it's also like there's just so many they look good there's just so many retarded people out there and people like love to be like look what's happening it's like yeah because we have cameras and you're showing dumb people it's like this has always been a thing there's always a guy in a field instead of tidepods there's some guys eating cow shit and then he's like isn't this funny

i'm eating cow shit and they're like now it's really gross well also also just like the news will be like there's an epidemic of kids eating pennies or whatever and the news from bed yeah yeah i only get my right right right from patrick to be now my current events is really how long is he going to shower for god damn He wax off in the shower. Okay, well, that's... Please don't tell me that he does it. Dude, he does that. No, he must be.

You're going to listen to his audio back in the shower in there. I like living here. The shower is fucking gross. Oh, my God. It's almost... It's totally gross. He's probably cleaning the shower by coming in it. Like, it's such a disgusting shower.

It's funny, too, because last time when I lived with him over there... It's the only way to get it really cleaned. Yeah, yeah. It's to come all over and wipe it down. It's like how when you stay, when you move into like a collar. college dorm, almost everyone I know had this experience where like someone like some of like

administrative person told all the boys like stop jerking off in the shower because you're clogging the drain. I was never told that. You never told that? No, dude. I was fucking clapping at cheeks in the shower. You were fucking girls in the shower? All right. Everyone stop jerking

off in the shower. You're clogging the drain. Michael good. Keep doing. you. Everyone follow Michael's example. Bobby, straight busting in that shit. Just like... That was always a little character.

I like, super hood guy talking about getting pussy but being too descriptive. He's like, dude, I swear to God be straight on a bitch. Like, oh, yeah,

you like that? That's the noisy thing's coming. Nah, mean, bro? Not what I'm saying? I know. But, no, last time

when I lived with them and Alan, Alan would be like, yeah, Patty's always jacking off in the shower. That's what he does. Peter Griffin. I mean, that's how Alan sounds. Alan Fitzgerald. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's almost a legend of this podcast because he's only

been on two episodes, but he's talked about on every single one. But it's like, you can't get him out of bed. He just sleeps in so late. I used to think that guy hated me. I think everybody had the same experience with Alan when they first met, but he was just that way. No, he straight up was like, I like you. And if I'm ever weird to anybody, it's because I really hate them. Oh. Yeah. Damn it. The first time he met me. I don't ever go. Christoph's like that. You ever met Christoph?

Is he the tall white hair guy? I know who it was. Tall red hair. Is that what you said? I said white hair. Okay. Yeah. I literally for like,

I've been doing comedy for seven years. I've known him the whole time. I think just three months ago I thought he found out he likes me. I just didn't think we're, he does a podcast because he's funny and I like the guy, but I was always like, I thought it was like a one way street. You know what I mean?

Where I'm like, I'll keep trying with this friendship. But, uh, I just don't understand why Alan wouldn't like because we have such, I do like, we have the same kind of material. like I do Alan's stuff but I look you know I'm not looking like Alan

you think you're doing stuff like Alan I I've been I like watching sets you little air out you're trying to like a lady there you're like I'm just trying to I'm trying to talk comedy now you guys are being silly

no but I write down Alan's material and then I just put different nouns and verbs in there that's each I put different races I do the same joke but just in the way I wonder why he doesn't like you if you just steal his material and do it that way. It's like imitation is

the highest form of flattery wise and he fuck him with me more. Yeah. Say that to a guy doing Blackface. That'd be funny when like Sarah Silverman got, does she get ever have to like apologize for that? For what? Blackface. She ripped a gnarly one.

Oh really? Oh yeah. I thought she just was doing like a spa treatment or something. Well, maybe but I think I don't know what She was in like the shoes of a black guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she was like, oh, I'm going to pretend to be a black person for a day. And she's, like, walking around in black face. I don't know, even if it's a spotter.

She got, like, the mud mask and then big red rosy lips to come out of it. Oh, man. There was a great video for, like, talking about the N-word on Bill Maher with, like, this Chinese guy. Because she has some joke where she says chink, and there's like, you can't say the word. And then she's just like, oh, I say the N-word all the time. Because he's like, would you say the N-word? And she's like, yeah, I'll say it right now at the studio. audience is like, yeah, let it rip.

Yeah. I bet she was, she, she was probably a joke. No, no, no, she was jokes. She wasn't like, she wasn't saying like I say it. She wasn't saying it earnestly. No, but she was like, I will say the word in a comedic context. Like she wasn't saying like, uh, and just full Bill Maher studio audience just like, fuck yeah.

And then now she's like, yeah, whatever. But this isn't the shit talking other comics podcast. Yes, it is. Talk about how cool it is that I did too much ketamine this weekend. Damn. and how I'm actually living on the edge. Damn. And it's not concerning.

How was your jerk off, Patty? Whoa. What kind of video did you pull up? Was it the morning good podcast? Were you jerking off the episode 435? It was actually a space jam fan fiction. Yeah, space jam fan fiction. Yeah, but it's just Michael Jordan Master.

I really hope the mics got that. I don't know if they did. Yeah, probably not. That'll be a bad part of the podcast. Dude, the funniest is that, like, like you go to raves and it's hilarious that like raves they always pay i was telling you about this they always pitch themselves as such a loving friendly environment and then it's like literally the worst environment everybody's like you come to raves it's about like love and respect and like

just connecting with other people and then you go there and you ask somebody you're like hey uh do you know where i could get water and they're just like look at you like you asked if you could like lick their feet well they're all aren't they all on on on yeah they're on too much drugs and they're just mean plus i've also never heard that about raves that it's like a family friendly Not family friendly, but the rave motto is peace, love, unity, and respect. These little thing, ready, ready? Do with me. Peace, love, unity, and respect.

And then we trade bracelets. That's a rave thing? Yeah, yeah. No. What the fuck are you talking about, bro, no way. Dude, you're literally talking to Michael the rave Johnson good. I've been going for years. No, you're going to weird raves.

Yeah. You're not going to popular kid raves. Dude, I literally am. And you shut the whole. They were literally the coolest kids in New York City there. There was Chas. You're going to band kid, right? Dude, I'm literally not.

You guys are changing silly bands. Yeah. You're listening to that, uh, that Biggie Smalls remix that was popular like five years ago. I don't know. You know what I was doing that old thing. Yeah, that one. Dude, I listen that like every other day. Aves too young for that one.

He's still playing Flappy Bird. Yeah. Flapping his damn bird. Watching Flappy Bird. He wrote a whole suicide now. His aide playing flappy bird. high score. I'm going to kill myself. But it was fucking, the environment was crazy because it was a place called Brooklyn.

What are you looking at? It's just I don't come here to be attacked. You know, Abe Shapiro beef with mystery guests. Things got pretty heated on the Michael Good Morning podcast. I think, I think mystery guest is on our side with this one. Yeah. Abe Shapiro tried to take on Tony Hinchgloof. I know, I know.

On the last episode, yeah. Just everybody fucking hates me. Dude, I hope. If you're listening to podcast, can you DM Abe Shapiro just like hateful stuff? Fucking kill yourself. Every week, please do. Can we docks Abe Shapiro? Yeah.

I, should you want to know Abe's phone number? I'm going to get two calls. One from me and one from Michael Good. Hey, we heard you on the... Star 67. I heard you on a morning good cast. But, uh, listen. I'd be described as based in the comments.

I guarantee it. Yeah. I mean, most of the comments are just like, show more feet. That's what it is. My producer clips one fucking foot thing in there. And, uh...

Is your producer? My buddy. Your mystery, buddy? No, it's not. It's not this guy. My mystery, buddy. That's what they used to call. Like gay lovers back in the sixth.

Mystery buddies. Yeah. I would be so, if someone was like, do you want to hang out with me and my mystery buddy, it'd be like, yeah. Is it like Scooby fucking do? There's a 50-50 chance. This is a threesome. Yeah, but there's a 50% chance.

It's a girl. It's a group of mystery solving tweens. Yeah, Scooby-Doo. Yeah. It could be Scooby-Doo. I met my favorite gay person this weekend. I told you about this. No, is that, I thought you guys knew each other for longer.

I'm going to just unplug your microphone right now. Abe Shapiro fires back a mystery guest. Abe Shapiro fires a mystery guest with homophobia. Yeah, yeah, with homophobia? Dude, that's how I should promote my podcast. Just podcast, beef, just like little interactions like that and like serious. That actually is a good idea.

You should just have two guests on and I just try to fucking find a beef between them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Black and white it like. Yeah, just moderate a beef between these two guys. That's actually a good ass idea where you're, you just put on like a hat and then you're also the commentator for your own podcast. And it's just like a real innocuous conversation. And then you're like,

the he felt slighted here. You're just like an evil little ringleader guy. Oh, yeah, that's a fucking instigator. If I know two people feel different, like find people who are Israel, Palestine,

but don't know that they think that way. And then just bring it up on the podcast. Just watch them fireback as somebody who was really uninvolved. Yeah, just really get them going. Go get like a body language expert. and be like, nah, he fucking thinks he's gay. Yeah.

You should get a really twitchy, uncomfortable guy on and then a body language expert. Just ruin the guy's day. Are you? It was really funny. I should have people on and then the next episode should be people cycle analyzing them. Like, I have a psychiatrist on. It's like Abe Shapiro clearly was molested. And he just goes into detail.

I think you might have to settle for a guy pretending to be a psychiatrist. Dude, I can get fucking. I don't know if any doctors are coming. Yeah. What about? about a Jay Falcon. Sorry, I'm sorry. Okay.

When's Jay Falcon coming on here? Oh, dude, I don't have enough money to pay him. Who's Jay Falke? He's got two birds. No, he's got one big old bird. He's got the whole birds and that's bro. Yeah, Jonah Falcon, Jay Falcon legend, dude. Biggest penis wants to come on the morning.

He doesn't want to come on. He said, sure, but. I should, I should rephrase. He really doesn't want to come. Sure, how much are you paying me? But, yeah, I'm going to get him on here. I might get his penis a microphone, too, you know, just to just to just, just,

just to have the whole family there. Yeah. Yeah. That's a comics, like, open my comics to be overhyping, like, their relationships with bigger comics. Yeah, he told me he really likes my shit and, like, some guy gave him a fist bump. Yeah. Barking on the per show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I felt that way. I did his show with, like, Ari Shafir one time. And he was like, good job, guys. And he looked at me. He was like, hey, good job, man. I was like, he's a good job. He's probably going to take me on tour with him.

Yeah. Yeah. I thought every time I got booked, I like a lineup with a bigger comic. I'm like, well, just, I mean, this is... They're going to like me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The truth is they're going to look at none of your set. Yeah, yeah.

Well, the universe clearly orchestrated this so that I could shine. Yeah, yeah. Finally, five years of open mics and I'm here. In front of Sherrod. Abe. I know, I got to stop burning bridges. What the hell are you doing, man? I got to stop burning all these bridges, bro.

Yeah, this is going to be that, uh, the essence. SNL Shane Gillis episode, but for all of us. They're going to want all of us on SNL, and they're going to hear this episode and be like, now that Tony Hinchcliff is showrunner of SNL, we're going to audition like, please don't destroy. Just as a trio.

That's very funny. One of you guys, actually none of you guys trying to list to audition. I think we'll be taking it right there. What are the odds? All of them are problematic, like zero percent. I don't know.

I got started talking and then I didn't know. Oh, wait. Abe Shapiro beef with Please Don't destroy. And Lorne Michaels. Yeah. Damn. Dude, I want to talk

about my favorite gay guy though. Oh, right. I'm sorry. Yeah. So we went to this bar. By the way,

this is the best bar in me. Is it? All right. Who's that? You fucking. You stop laughing and coughing. I'm you guys. Either spit it out or swallow it.

I'll take a sling of my fucking day. Or just kill yourself. Abe Shapiro beef with his own respiratory. Oh my God. Is it mystery? That's a lot. Dude, shut up,

gay guy. Shut up Michael Goathe's beef with all gay people. Are you about to drinks a fucking quill on the pod? Is that not allowed?

Dude, not unless you're not unless you're using a fucking styrofoam cup, dog. Put some grills in, dude.

Oh, were you wanting some? I'll take it from the bottle, bro. Were you wanting some? Pouring yourself, cough.

That's a funny thing to be like talking to some fucking Nykel, you don't want to fucking load up and fucking could take this party the next level. Ross snuck in some night quill.

You're trying to hang? Yeah, I'm like really sick. All right. What's it? I'm like really sick. I'm so sick right now, bro. Sicking not getting fucking.

I'm gonna fill a flask with day quill. That'd be funny to sneak in day quill and just like pour it in girls drinks when they're not low. All right. It's day quill. Why is that funny? Why is that funny? Because it's day quill. It's not,

it's all it's doing is clearing up their sinuses. So you think it's funny to put things in people's drinks without their permission? I'm going to start laughing like Mozart, Namadais. But tell your story. How does he left? He goes, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I used to have a joke about, uh,

can't be a drug and let this guy into mystery school. During the decision making process, it's a dumb joke. Can you, will you tell me about, oh, so you say you're getting more consent? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, where you tell about your favorite gay guy? Okay. So it's hand with before apes. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Who's that? I don't know who that is. So we're at this bar. By way, best part, yeah,

we'll beep your name. Whose name? Fuck. You guys are fucking terrible at this. There's this bar called Dead Letter Number 7. It's basically like an escape room bar. Like you walk in,

there's like a dance floor. The next room is like a porch with like rocking chairs and shit. The next room is like a tree house. The next room is like sand on the ground with like stars in the sky. It's like very cool look. but we met this gay Colombian guy dressed as a sailor.

And everything he said he'd end with, ah, I'd beg up for Florida, he goes, Florida, ah, that's my favorite. And I was like, you're my favorite. I was like, I might kidnap you and keep you. When you say dress like a sailor, like a little boy sailor or like a seaman. Like he had a sailor hat on and like a tank top. Oh, okay. Interesting.

What kind of, like captain hat or like a little one of like the paper ones? No, like the cute little, uh, it's like a, like a, like a tank top. a funnel, like an upside-down volcano almost with the bottom cut off. I don't know how else to describe that thing. Just like something a little boy would wear. Yes, and he was also with like a 15-year-old Colombian kid. I have no idea what was coming. It was his brother, but

hopefully. That's what you say if you're molesting a kid. This is just my brother. This is my little brother. I'm allowed to do this. We love horseplay. But he'd start, his thing was he would do... Abe's Imperial beef with pedophiles. Nah.

But he would dude, his sickness he'd do animal noises. So he'd be like, do a monkey and he go, ooh, and he nailed everything. The guy could do like a fucking,

this isn't that good of a story. Wait, wait, wait, he started doing an animal. He would do all, he'd do an elephant. He'd go,

woo. I know, but did you prompt him at first? Were you like, do a monkey? No, he's like, these my special skill. You guys don't sit around?

I do the animal noise. Oh, okay. Were you on ketamine when you met him? Yeah, like massive. Yeah. So there's a chance he wasn't even good at the animal.

There's a chance he wasn't even there. Fucking awesome to I walk into like there's like a quieter room at the bar where people are just sitting and I walk in and you're talking to this guy like okay

do weigh up are you see me and you're like you have to sit down and watch this all right dude do like do like an elephant and he's like brr and you're like oh my god oh my god

that is so you haven't made it I am not on SNL. Dude, I mean, I walk around thinking I have talent. Bro, at the pair open mic the other day, it was more open. But there's a dude.

And he was like, yesterday, I dropped acid and I met Kanye West. And he like had this whole story about how he talked to him for like 45 minutes. And I was just picturing him on acid going up to a black guy and be like, Mr. West, I'm your biggest fan. But then he talked to,

he said that he was nicer. than you would expect. And that's the end of the story. So you have some problems with your love life lately. Again, who's... Mystery guest. You fucking moron. We're going to have to beep this shit this time.

That's all right. I'm going to have to cut up with Kanye West story. Wait, so you're back in the graces of the GP? Yeah, I got on band. Abe Shapiro, a band from Comedy Club. Beef with Comedy Club. Abe Shapiro, there's one beef he's actually resolved in his life. I know.

All the others are outstanding. Is there anybody who you actually Who do you have real? Is there a person you have actual beef with? He's not here But I don't want to talk him This dude named Fucking pussy

Not you mystery guest Not you mystery guest Bro Dude My least favorite comic bro Tag in bro Your turn I don't mind that guy

I think he's all right He's fat Yeah You're fan and you think you're skinny. You're like, I can't even gain weight. That's how you're fucking mad as shit. He is.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't think so. I think he's in very good shape and he's a nice guy. Well, obviously you have some like business connections with him. But he's just screwed me over a couple times. Like, we were supposed to start a podcast called Beef Party. And he kind of... That sounds like you just like review ladies' pussies who have like...

I was actually talking to him about that. And I think he would rather start a podcast with someone who has a clear throat. Who can talk without going like, oh, dude, it's funny. You brought sick for two days. You brought Daypool to the podcast. That's hilarious.

I got my whole shopping bag full of stuff. How much that do you think you could drink right now on air? It will get you high. I'll drink the whole thing. You know, there's a lot of folks walking around out here with like dirty shopping bags like that. I bet they also have like Dayquil and just cough medicine in there. Yeah. There's a bug going around.

Yeah. a spring. I straight up have not been sick for like seven months. I do not know how that's possible. That is not true at all. What are you talking about?

Since I've lived here, you were sick for like three months. No, no, I've had a constant cough. That's different than like being sick. But you'd like come out of your room, I'd hear you in your room like,

ugh. And then you come out and be like, dude, I'm so sick. Yeah, but that's just allergies. Yeah, but that's sick.

No, it's not. You thought you had bronchitis. Wait, wait, wait, wait, you have just constant allergies allergies every season?

just my whole life. All right. My lungs are giving up on themselves, but now I used to it. It's not like I haven't had the flu. You know what I also threw up a week ago. You don't smoke cigarettes. Threw up,

but didn't you have diarrhea the other day? Yeah, I ate a rotissory chicken and was just like throwing up and shit. I think your baseline might be what most people describe as sick. That's a really good point. I might be like dying or something.

I'm not even sick at all. Yeah. I've just got used to the feeling. Honestly, my throat is kind of sore right now. I think I'm just used to the feeling of feeling like shit. and then it's like, yeah.

You don't smoke cigarettes, do you? No, I want to, though. I would love to get back into it. Yeah, I worked in, like, restaurants, and I would do it then just so I'd have a break. Right. And then I would, like, drive for Uber, and I would chain smoke cigarettes then. And then randomly, like, a year ago, I would just get drunk and buy packs of cigarettes. But never, like, smoke smoked them.

Yeah, I've just been straight, like, vaping vitamin C. So I'm all right. What are you doing that, like, fake nicotine stuff? Vitamin C. I vapid vitamin C, and it keeps me healthy. What the fuck you talk? Like it's like a vape that only is it's just vitamin C vapor and you vape it and it does it Cures all your ailments but it doesn't go through your stomach like how does it getting into

your because it gets into your bloodstream does it have you consulted a doctor mom I don't need to you remember what people were saying about tropicana makes it acetate no or in the in fake vape carts yeah that's why those kids were getting sick it's because they were vaping it's essentially like a hair coloring thing. Vitaminiacitate. Yeah, it's not. I think it's the fucking cell phones, but

it's 5G. Yeah, it's 5G. It's the vaccine. It's all that garbage. Yeah. That is funny. You go to the funeral with somebody got like shot in the face. People are like,

boat. My mom has like a real loyal hairdresser who she goes to every time. But like progressively over the years she's gone deeper and deeper and Facebook like anti-Semitic rabbit holes. But she cuts all of our hair. and as I'm getting my hair cut, she'll be like,

Jew. No. But she will be like, do you want to cut that from the point? No. 95, I've seen the demographics, 95% of Jewish people. Hasidic Jews. They love the Michael Good podcast. But, no, she would just be like cutting my hair and be like, you know, there are 50 million children living underground.

I'd be like, what is that? No. That can't be. true. But then she was just like, she told me that cats can see Jews. Yeah. What? Well, that's a lot of people don't know. It's in Nazi Germany. Like, you would think they use bloodhounds to sniff the Jews out, but cats have a specific gene that they can sniff out Jewish people. She said that? No, I'm saying. That's a historical fact. No. No. You guys can breathe underwater that we were talking about this in the last episode.

Yeah, we can breathe in the water. There are gills under water. You can't train a cat to do fucking anything. No, but it's because, it's because have you ever heard the comparison of Jews to, like, rats or mice? It's like there's the only reason. I've never heard them. You've heard that. I'm only hanging out with the most Semitic people. Right.

Yeah. I've heard the comparison of Jews to just nice guys. Really nice. Yeah. Well, I've actually never heard of naked. It's just biologically, like you guys evolved from apes, Jewish people who evolve from rats and rodents. And what that means is that we give off a similar odor,

so cats are more attracted to try to. Sorry, I'm just loving an animorphs of, like, turning into acidic man. Well, that's what, that's what the original cat in the hat was about. It was originally similar to

Inglorious bastards, where it's like the first scene where he comes into the house and then he's like, Oh, is there any? Yeah, but then they turned it into like a whimsical thing. I did not know that. Yeah, it's a crazy fact. So the cat is a Nazi? Yeah, he's Christoph Waltz's character.

Okay, and then where are the mice? The mice are the Jewish people. No, I know, but there's Jewish people in that. hat? No, no, no, no, they took them out because it was unmarketable. Okay, so they were, okay, I was trying to understand this. Yeah, it's, it's like a, you got to read. No, of course. So, you got to read. Okay, so there was deleted scenes from Cat in the Hat where they had Jewish people or they had mice. In the book. Okay, the book, the Cat in the Academy. It originally started as, as a parody of, uh, glorious bastards. Okay, that's what I thought. Yeah.

And then there's thing one and thing two. How do they plan? What are they? Um, let me think on it for a while. Yeah, no. I don't know. We just circle back. Come around. It's Hitler and Goebbels. Interesting. Goebles is thing two and Hitler's thing one. Yeah, they play around with it. Okay. Interesting. Different drafts.

But we got to talk about other stuff. Let's get off this, got that. But I'll keep talking about that. Ridiculous rave. So it was this place, it was a fucking, there was like storage. Like, what do you call them, like, shipping containers? We're walking through, like, hallways of shipping. like I just think I go to a sex trafficking port yeah yeah that's what I was thinking that's

that's how they trick eastern europe yeah like there's a lot of fucking this party is good come aren't there a lot of eastern European kids at this right yeah yeah I went to a place in Bushwick I was on a date and this girl was like I doubt it there's like this cool fucking nice yeah whatever man you say what you want but we went to this place but we went to this it was like that. It was like a bar. It was called Carousel. And like every room is like a different, just a whole different vibe. Oh, dude, I want to write that down. That actually sounds cool as fuck. Yeah, you'd probably like it. I hate it. It was like the worst place. It's like it's kind of like a bar for retards. It's like a bar for big fat idiots. It's like a What were you the rooms? It was like one was like a beach. One was like more like a club. Bro. I am literally squirt and

come out. And it was like in a circle and then in the middle was like an outdoor courtyard thing. Oh nice. And I like I hated it so much. The second we walked in there was a guy wearing like this kind of hat but it was black. Right. On his head sitting alone in a booth with a bottle of champagne.

Just waiting for people. And we walked in and he as we walked in he goes like he like saw the girl I was with and was about to be like come come sit here and have champagne with me and that he's like I don't know that's always such a funny move to you. He's doing that all night because it's like okay at some point if you have a bottle and a booth girls will come

but the moment before they come you look like the biggest fucking loser because you just have this bottle and it's like you and like two guys like. But you can act like you're discussing bennis. That's how Avon Barksdale is the guy. What's he just elbow's character's name? Stringer.

That's what they do. They get bottle service for the two of them while they discuss Benis. Binnis. Stringerbell. String a bell's awesome. I wish I could bring a... No, I don't want to bring it other than it. We'll talk after the pod.

Yeah, we'll talk. There'll be a Patreon. It's just... Yeah, yeah, yeah. The patrons are just hanging out for like seven hours. Avon Barksdale's awesome, too. I know, I love him on Barclis. The way that McNulty, when he's talking about him,

because he, the actor is British. Yeah, yeah. So when he does an American accent, it just sounds so intense and, like, intentionally American. Yeah, do you know... Avon Barksdale. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then he does the British accent. Senate later on. You remember that? Yeah. Where he fucks those two hookers. It's like, this just sounds like, Bloomy! I'm not a part of it. It sounds like it's really fun. They were just talking about a friend

of ours. Oh, okay. Jimmy McNulty. He's a loose cannon, but he's good polies. He's not the only thing I know about the wire is the she got your ass. There's tons of that stuff. Oh, bunk? Bunk is the man. Can we please?

Guys, I get, I feel left out very easily. No, it's it. We're just give me one. I'm sorry. You know who else I like? We know what else? I don't remember a lot of the characters. Omar. Yeah.

You know who else are like? Michael Good. Yeah. Well, you know the actor who played McDonald's. I swear to God, shut the fuck out. Real quick. We're not doing stuff.

Real quick. Real quick. Real quick. Did I mean, God damn it. Okay. Go right ahead. He got like caught on, like paparazzi caught him kissing a woman that wasn't his wife, like an actress who

wasn't his wife. Oh, yeah. And so his kids got really upset apparently. And back to you, Michael. So you watched the greatest show of all time because of its realistic portrayal of like urban decay. And then you're like, what did the paparazzi say about that?

No, bro. I just follow the New York post on Instagram. Try to spend these false narratives. Sure, dude. Amy Schumer one time came with me started talking about paparazzi. I was just barking for the pair. Who did she play in the wire?

She got your ass guy. All right, right. But no, it was just so funny because she comes up to me. she goes, oh, see the paparazzi over there?

She's like, is that? Oh, yeah, those are the same paparazzi that followed me one time. And I was like,

I just wasn't even talking to it. She was just like, yeah. Okay. That's cool. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not really.

She's always been nice to me when I was barking. She would be nice. She is, but she's for sure just a crazy person. She's out of her fucking. Yeah,

but they're not, I don't think she's any crazier than other comedians. I don't know. That Saglo thing is insane. Yeah. I don't, I just don't want to, I don't want to comment on it. Someone if I held for long enough.

That's what I'm doing in stand-up now. After a joke palms, I'll hold for like 15, 20 seconds. Then that usually doesn't work. You got to do the, uh, what I do, which is a very hacking move. You just point to the one guy who likes it again. He likes it. He knows what I'm talking about. A new fan.

That is the best one of doing comedy. Talk to him after. Just, I feel like we really connected. I would, when I would have a joke that bond on I would listen for Abe in the back being like, that's how you laugh, you know. I know. I do have a good.

Right now, it would be like, my favorite was at one way it was, I did do. I would do that because I was so happy, happy to be doing spots. And you gave me that opportunity, so I would have to pretend like you were doing this.

I had what, my favorite was that. I did give Abe's big break in. Big break. And then every time after I would, you know, he'd go on stage and I'd be like in the bathroom or something. Just be like, please. And then you'd come up to me and be like, did I do good? Yeah.

Was it good? What do you think about the penis material? You're like, you're great kid. You're going to be a big star. I always say, yeah, it'd be like, he got it. You got it. Bro, I was thinking about going on the subway and like a like a seer sucker suit and like when a homeless dude is like tapping us, you know, doing handboning or whatever, just going up to him like, like kid you you got it we're going right to the top

walk past him and then be like yeah exactly you ever think about going pro yeah i've always got it like a star is born i've always thought about pranking a friend like that the meanest prank yeah pretend to be an exact have someone pretend to be an executive just like look i don't want to rock your world too much but your life's about to change tonight yeah yeah bring him to the six p.m. Friday show at the grisly pair yeah yeah like bradley cooper and a star is born one time you're at adam sandler we're replacing yeah him with you. Your name is now Adam Sandler. One time there's a show, you're doing

like an 8 p.m. show at the pair. This is like before the lockdown even. Yeah. And this guy came alone to the show and then he like shook hands with the owners of the club and stuff. And then someone was like, oh, that guy, uh, that guy runs like, he

owns like a bunch of a comedy like a bunch of like a chain comedy club, like Funny Bone or something. And he will come to shows and like have people come out and like host those shows. And we're all like, oh shit. So we do well.

We get like, you know, something cool could have. Yeah. We're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so he goes and sits in the room. The host goes up and just like kind of bombs, but is like really performing at that guy. And then gets off stage and I'm bulleting. Gets off stage, goes up to him and goes, hey, can I buy you a drink? Takes him out of the room for the rest of the show.

And I went up and I performed whatever. and then I went out. And later on, I talked to that comic and she's like, yeah, you know, I was trying to like, like, couldn't get anything out of him. And I was like, yeah, fuck you. Fuck you, man. I would really like to hear the name, but tell me after. I'm not going to tell you the name.

You're not going to tell me after? It was, and like, talking to the rest of the comics as if being like, oh, man, like we all lost out on that one. I was like, no, you fucked it up for everyone else. What the fuck is that? I'm surprised he would go out after that. But I guess. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, maybe I was lied to about who that was. It's also like... The funny part, too, is like, I don't care about stuff anymore because I've for sure been watched by... Like, all of us have probably been watched by agents or managers who've just decided not to go with us. I got approached one time by an agent

and I had no idea how to talk about it because he goes, oh, so hey, like, whatever, I work for our management company. He's like, do you do just stand-up? And I thought he meant, do I have a day job? And I was like, nope, just strictly stand-up. But what he wanted to hear is like, no, I'm working on other things.

I have their talent. And I was like, all I do is stand-up comedy. and then immediately I was like, I was retarded. But it's also like, there's only so much, like, I don't know, I feel like nowadays, like the manager thing can only help you so much.

Like, it's more like, you're an acting. I don't know. If you're writing, it's big to have a manager. Like, you need it to submit to, like,

shows an S&O. Yeah, I guess that's a good point. It is big, I think. But only, you know, probably not so much for stand-up,

but. Yeah, for stand-up doesn't really. Yeah. Are you raising your hand? No. Oh. What are you holding it like that for?

You know, that you need a work out. You got nice forearms there. I do, bro. Yeah,

he's always fucking working out. Yanking it. This guy jerks off more than Patty DeFino in the shower. Impossible.

He's got to coat the tile. Yeah. I don't know if you have a tile. It does the glossier in there. But, uh, this room has a cum finish. I did say the weirdest thing to Patty the other day.

It was when we're at that bar. Right. On the, like, just a bunch of ketamine. I look over at Patty at one point. I pull him like his side from the other people. Are you jacking off of them?

Are you churning out of the shower? No, I just look at him and I go, I go, is there something going on that I don't know about with no context? He's like, what to go? Is there's something going on that I don't know about? He's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, never mind. That's like an opioid addict conspiracy. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're fine. We're fine. We're fine. We're got. We got a good podcast. No, academy gives you the dumbest thoughts. I was that rave. I saw two gay guys making out. In my mind, homosexuality just didn't exist for a second. like, this isn't real. I goes, these are just...

Paradise on her. No, I saw two gay guys make it out. I was literally like, I was like, these are, these guys aren't gay. These are just shapes and vibes coming together. Right, right, right. Yeah, my buddy's like, how you doing? I'm like, I think we're all just QR codes,

which just makes no fucking sense. I get what you mean because you're motherfuckers be scanning. That's a great thing. Like, what do I look like a motherfucker, QR? Why are you scanning my ass, bro? Keep that shit walking, dog. Yeah, it's funny when you say anything's funny in the black scent. Yeah.

Dude, what are you talking about? Cut that shit, dog. Yo, yo, yo, cut that shit, bro. Cut that black scent shit, bro. Cut that shit out. I like when people are just, like, dumb and say dumb shit. But when they're on drugs, it's, like, less funny. Yeah, for sure.

Really? Especially coke. When people are coked up, it's, I hate listening. Those are the most annoying people on Earth. But, like, when a comic is telling a story about a dumb, a guy being dumb, and then they preface it by being like, so me and all my buddies took like mushrooms. I'm like,

this is like not even funny. It's not a story. I don't give a fuck. It's a story about you guys sat in your apartment and just were stupid. Exactly. But definitely. Jeez.

Okay. Fuck you. Yo, my bad. Sorry, I'll try to have more. No. Your story was about you being fucked up.

It wasn't about I perceive this guy's weird because I was fucked up. Yeah. So it sucked even more. Yeah. Never told that shit again? bro. Yeah.

Geez. All right. I'll not do any of those for you now anymore, Jake. No, no, no. I'm saying like,

I mean like in stand- you're on your podcast telling a story about you took some ketamine and you said some funny stuff. You know? You broke my... There's no mending.

There's no... You broke my heart. That's all right. That's fine. Great sober things though. I told you what Victor Boda said the other day. Bro, Michael Good,

the frito of his own podcast. The what? You're the frado of your own podcast, bro. Dude. Oh, I know. He's afraid of because he broke your heart. He betrayed me. Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.

We're having a good time. Afraid. That's fucking guts me. No, Victor Bota. For people don't know, Victor Bota's this guy, I can't get in trouble for that, right? He's this guy who pays a comedy club, a bunch of money to get on stage. He's just, like, Russian guy. Yeah, the Russian mob might come after you.

Yeah, the Bratva. He comes in the comedy club room, everybody's taught. Michael Good, beefs with the Brock. He comes to the cop. He's this Russian guy with long hair. He comes to the comedy. ago we're talking about sex. He goes, people are still having sex these days,

but he's like just dead serious. Or he's joking. Either way, that's the funniest thing I've ever. That guy's awesome. That is so fucking funny. That is so 2008. Yeah, dude, fucking, that guy, one time he brought a bunch of his friends to a show and they were like Russian mobsters.

Yeah, yeah. They were to tell you that. And one of the men's, like, his like wife or girlfriend, who was like 21, tried to get me to like yell at her so that her husband, could beat the shit to me. Oh, she tried to instigate you into... After the show, she was like, you were the worst comic on the show.

And I was like, okay. And she was like, I was like, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't like the show. And she's like, I liked the whole show except for you. You were fucking terrible. And I was like, and her husband's behind her. And he's like, you know, he's like six, five and he's just staring at me. And I'm like, what do you think about a yell at you? Defend the stupid joke I told.

See, that's where you and I differ. I would get murdered. Like, I literally would be like... I don't give a fuck a... I'm just like, if you don't like you, it's fine. They'll just tell it to other people. I would be, I would be like, I don't know what I would be. I think I'd be scared of a guy for sure, but I think I would think that I could get away with being like snarky about it.

But he'd probably be my ass. I don't know. I've never been in a fight. I don't know how. You don't. You can be snarky, but like you can't, like, you ever are being sarcastic at a dumb guy and they don't know you're being sarcastic? Bro. Because you got, you kind of like, when you're being sarcastic, you like, oversaw.

it almost. Like I can tell you're joking. Well, yeah, that's what I'm trying to. Me, people think I'm being serious like half the time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's one of the reasons you never really took off. I think I've gotten a lot of people to be upset, like think I was like trying to fight them because of that. Yeah. You do kind of, I, when I first met you, I was like, brand, this guy keeps it fucking real offstage. remember. You've been in zero fights in your life? You know, that's the hardest thing ever.

You've done zero fights? No. Where'd you grow up? Flint, Michigan. Flint, Michigan. I was a peacemaker, bro. Blessed are we. No, I was just, uh, I'm kind of a coward, loki.

Like, when people are talking, I'm like, what do you, what do you want to fight? And it's like, yeah, we're 15 at a party. Like, that's when you're supposed to fight. Yeah. So I'm like, that's kid shit, bro. I was kind of like that too. I was scared as fuck. I was kind of the same way to.

I'd be like, yeah, I'm an adult. I'm not going to get a fight. Yeah, all right. I guess we're being immature. Yeah. That's how you're going to talk your way out of a fight being like, all right? You're being a fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I also like, I've never won a fight in my life. Every fight I've done is either been broken up or like I got a punch in, they got a kick in. I feel like you're a lot of grappling. Yeah. What's that? I feel like you're doing a lot of. grappling. Oh, dude, I'm a grappling. I mean, I feel like 80 to

90% of just like street fights are, it's like one punch. Yeah, I think it's broken up. It just ends pretty quick. Except where most of them are in like rounds of fighting. That's why you've got to watch middle school fights on Twitter. Oh, dude, those are those. Because they be taking wallops and they're both so

weak and small that they don't get knocked out, but they start bleeding. Dude, my favorite fucking fight in high school is there's a little. do you think you just told a joke what was that yeah when they fight they're they get hurt

I was taking in the I was taking in the bomb of it you're not you're taking in your fucking bum that's Abe's favorite part taking it taking the bomb yeah it's a yeah I'm a masagicist I do fuck yeah I yes

nobody likes me but you can call me later reject me. Just don't call me late for dinner. Please reject me. You didn't like to the prettiest girl in the room. Like, you didn't like that? You hate to me, right?

You hate me? I'm like a gross little worm guy. I'm fucking gross, right? I hate my comedy. It's so bad. I don't really. You don't really like that? I don't really know what's going on here. I'm not really grasped.

thing. My favorite thing is, my favorite thing is to be embarrassed on stage. You got like a fetish for that? Yeah. How do you deal with, like someone I asked you, like, you're like, how do you deal with bombing? And you're like, actually, most of like the sexual pleasure I get is from humiliation. So I actually prefer bombing over performing well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It really turns me on. Killing is easy. Bombing is a, is a real, like, sexual thrill for me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can just feel the blood rushing to my penis when I feel of people dislike me. Boy, is that nice. We are at an hour, though. What do you guys want to promote? I have literally nothing. Abe's a camp counselor. I'm a camp counselor, maybe, unless we got to Chicago this weekend.

What camp? So people can come send their kids there. It's called, uh, no, don't say the name. Don't say the name. Don't say the name. Don't say the name. Don't say, be smart about this, Abe. You're right. You're a job. Sorry. I'm a business man. Say name. I'm all about my business. promote your new tequila

right right right is it cough medicine it's dos hombres tequila those guys those hombres like commit the comedy brothers those co-gapos umres tequila