Morning Good - Florida Money is Crumpled and Wet - Episode 39

Episode Date: August 22, 2021

Great to have everyone on for this weeks episode. Check these guys out on social media and give them a follow to find out everything they have coming up. You can find Ivan Bunster on Instagram @ivanbunster, Adam Gulley @adamgullee, and Ray Zawadni @raybekillinem.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. That wasn't recording. Jesus Christ. Thank God it wasn't recording. All right, we're here with the... I'm just going to do the same exact thing I did before. That's fine.

Adam Too Quick Gully Thank you Ivan de Comic Buster Hello And Ray Punchline Zawadney Oh I like that

That's pretty good That is pretty good That's pretty good Yeah And you guys are all Black comics from The South Georgia

Baltimore They're from Atlanta I'm from Savannah So I'm a little Hot Lana I'm a little different We have a little different I saw the craziest thing

other night. I saw a, so I'm just like constantly selling tickets on the street. And I saw this group of high schoolers walking and there's a girl and there's a middle age drunk guy. They grabbed the girl's ass. And then all the high school kids just beat the shit out of the grown man. Really? Immediately afterwards. It was like

so quick because I saw like the guy grab her ass and I was like, hey, I was going to say something. And then just like 10, 15 year olds. Yeah, it was like immediately, 10, 15 year olds just beat the shit out of this grown man. I don't want to jump to conclusions. What was she wearing? Some pretty predominant. I'm fucking, I'm out of it tonight.

No, that's fine. I'm glad, I'm glad you stumbled on that so we didn't have to talk about Ivan rape shaming this girl. Ivan, I'm happy you healed up after that beating. Wait, is it called rape? It's called rape shaming? I just made that up, dude. I had that on the fly. I was trying, in my head the whole time I was thinking of what it's called.

I was like, say what it's called without saying the word rape. And then it's the first thing that I said. Rape shaming sounds like you rape somebody with shame. Like you aggressively get in their face when they're like, please stop shaming me. Like, you're a piece of shit. No, it actually sounds like you're shaming somebody who raped, and it's like a wrong thing to do.

Like, dude, he was just, he was just raped. He was bored. He couldn't get laid. So the people in the story, were they like NYU or were they like 180th street? Wow. No, because they beat some ass.

NYU would be like, you're going to be canceled online. It's a whole different ballgame. No, they were the most diverse group of kids. Like, it was like a little Asian kid. It was him and his girlfriend holding hands. And then the grown man, grabbed the girl's ass and then the little Asian kid pushed the grown man.

Oh. And then once the Asian kid pushed the grown man, he swung at the Asian kid. And like, this was like literally like a, hell yeah. 10 seconds of just stop Asian hate. Yeah. I just almost said this when we were walking here is I feel like the homeless people in this town are so crazy, but they really have like a haunted house workers mentality where they rarely ever touch you.

They'll be super scary and you rarely have to interact with them. I'll piggyback on that because every time I hear about San Francisco or Austin, they'll come for you. New York, they're very respectful, right? That is true. They may like, they may like give a little spooky fingers, you know? They have a code. They have a code.

They have a code of conduct. They're very respectful crystal meth and crack addicts and mentally ill. But they'll ask you for money. But they won't be, they won't come beyond spooky fingers. I think they'll go close in your face. They'll get close. Yeah, but they'll get close. Yeah, they're just trying to scare you.

Yeah, yeah. It's really just like, yeah, it's scary you and to give them money. Well, they know where their bread's buttered, all right? In California, they can, live at the beach, New York, they need people to survive. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They don't want to go crazy and crazy. Yeah. Do you ever see a homeless guy in a different part of town than you've seen him before? And you're like, how did you get? It's always great. Like, this isn't your neighborhood. Like, what are you doing here? We saw, we saw that shirtless dude make up some

distance today. I didn't think he. Oh, but he was on Crystal Math. Like, he was just running the whole dude he was running man he was time traveling there's other people that we see all the time that have like better sneakers than me and i'm just like i know you're fucking racket this guy like this guy had meth like marathon he was gonna go forever you know how google map like walk run and there's just like a meth like i love to like how fast you could like run yeah i think it'd be great to like check his fitbit steps that day just fucking to tell you i i used to get blacked out drunk in college and my friends would always catch me talking to the three well i i said i used to it's like Mitch Hedberg joke. I used, yeah, I still

give blackout truck. And they would just find me, there were several times where I was just sitting with these like three homeless dudes, like sitting down with him talking to them. What's your favorite kind of homeless guy? Like the crazy guy, the fucking, the old chess player. Oh, that's a very New York specific. I love a chess player. I like happy.

Because I look up to them. Okay. Because it's like, I'm not very good at chess. I'm still trying to learn. And so it's like, I almost have envy for them. Because they're like, wake up and they teach like Bobby Fissures of the world. Like they're very good. I like a missing limb homeless person.

Those are the best. That's like the fucking. What do you like about it though? Because they're the ones that are most likely to get money from me. And I'm like Oh, okay. But see, I don't always like people just that I feel sorry for it. Some people I feel sorry for them and I'll get the money, but I'm like ugh. You know what I'm like a skill? Oh, okay.

I'm thinking what's the most effective? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Okay, okay. That wasn't the question. What was the question? What's your favorite? What do you like to see? What do you like to see them?

I think you give money to a guy with no arm and you're not like, hell yeah. You know what I mean? You're like, I like the angry homeless guy that gets up there on the train and starts I need a dollar 37 to buy three sticks of the owner. I know the guy you're talking about. He'll start out and he goes, please. And then he'll be like, okay, if one person just gives me $30, I never have to ask again.

He's just annoyed by it. I like that guy because he's like, he's upset. set that he's even there. So you like the speech guys. I don't like the speech guys. I hate them. I like complete craziness with a smile on their face. Yeah, I like I like the crowd work homeless.

I don't like the guy that has his set prepared and he comes in. There's a guy that comes on my train. Probably the same as yours since you guys take the same sort of train as me. He always talks about how he teaches youth basketball, but he's got gangrene. He's like, that's not a dude he's just like he just gets on the train every day

he's just like he goes yep he goes just need to make it through gotta teach the youth you know how do you even get and I'm just I'm like dude I'm like

you gotta get that taking care of and I'm just like there's no way in hell that you are teaching kids yeah yeah like the fucking prince in the offense right now like you have gang green

on your legs right now there's no way in hell You know what I'm talking about? I never met him. He's always Queensborough Plaza and he'll like he'll ride the N&W. I used to hang out at Queensboro Plaza stuff all time. He's a very sweet man. He has a good sales pitch, but like he'll always like have gang green.

And then he'll just like talk about. Yeah, he'll just talk about like, yeah, he just runs. Does anybody know a rec league basketball? The only example I heard of it was there was somebody who had gang green from shooting up too much heroin. And like their arm like got like, it's like a big infection. I bet that's how he got it, dude. Can you get it from doing cocaine? I don't think.

If you're shooting it up, I assume. All right. Well, then I'm not worried about it. I think his rec league was a different rec league. His recreational drug use was something else. Well, that was always a thing, like, coming to New York. I remember in the first two weeks I was here, like my brother would ask me how crazy it was,

and he would say things like, he'd be like, oh, we're like homeless people just jerking off. I'm like, no, that's not a thing. And then, like, on cue, like two days later, I just get off a bus at Harlem. And some dude is cranking broad daylight. But you're so, like, even when you said, like, on the walk over here, you're just so callous to it. Yeah.

You know, if a dude was cranking it, like, right next to me or a car. I wouldn't even bring it up to my friends or my, I just switch seats. Yeah, yeah. So I'm so unfazed by it. So I'm so unfazed by any of that. Yeah. I, first couple times I saw homeless people jerking off, I didn't know what they were doing because of how weird they do. You know what I mean?

I'm like, I didn't. They're pulling too. Because he had a bit of dick than you. They're yanking. I was like, yeah, I don't know how you were going to say because you've never jerked off before. They're yanking on it too hard and I don't think they're getting hard. Yeah, that's what it is. I'm looking at the way they're doing it.

What's going on? Something about spending that much time outside has an effect on your erections. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he's touching his clit, right? Yeah. I don't know what's happening. But the guy that guy jumped was not like a homeless guy. He looked like a normal guy who's just shit-faced.

Oh. Yeah, yeah. Was he making eye contact? Was he making eye contact with you? So I was talking to my car because selling tickets. I was like, comedy show goes, oh, cool. I'm kind of just like, looked off the distance. I was like, okay.

And then he did that thing with the girl. And then he got like, I'm saying like he was on ground, the ground for like probably a whole minute of just getting kicked. No one stopped? How did it end? Oh, the cops came up. And then he's like on the ground bleeding. And I'm just still selling tickets.

Like, it's a great spot to sell tickets. So I'm just selling tickets like right over him while he's like talking to the cops. And they were like, like they just let him go. It's kind of weird. They're like, oh, whatever, but I'm like, he's just going to go grab somebody else's at. You know what I mean? Like, this guy, I don't know. This guy's resilient. Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, he faced a punishment. It's not like he got away. It's only like you got a slap on the wrist.

He's like, you're like, you're like, you're not going to remember it. That's a surprise. He's just going to wake up and be like, ow, he's going to have no idea what happened. You know what I mean? Oh, he was that fucked up? Yeah, yeah. Do they ask him when his birthday was? He was like in his 40s and he's like, I was born in 1943 and they're like, sir, you were not born in 1943, like I guess I was. That could have been all the trauma from being kicked in the head. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I thought too. He's concoosed. Yeah. Well, I saw the, uh, the drunkest female I've ever seen in my entire life on that same street. Were you,

were you there that night? I was there. Gully was there. Gully was there when the chick was like, they pumped her stomach on the, sorry. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, Westville. Oh, dude, it was, it was, like, they had to like, care, like, it was the most, like, the biggest or deal I ever saw. She had the worst friends. And it was... In the history of friends. Like, she was weekend at Bernie's. Like, couldn't move.

Like, she got her stomach pumped down the street. But it was the funny thing of, like, if that was, like, a dude that was that hammered like that and his boys were there, they were like, they just leaving me. They'd be like, all right, Chuck, you got to get the fuck up, bro. I'm gonna kick, dude. I'm gonna whip his ass. Like, there's, like, dude, it's, like, trying to fight. Nobody, nobody from the restaurant. None of her friends were still trying to get dick down.

Like, no one was helping her. The one chick was making out with this. She was making out with another guy. She was literally drowning in her own vomit. And there was like a nice Indian boy who kind of like went to go try to help. And they're just like, get away. Get away patriarchy. They were like carrying her like like like they had like six people carrying her like

Paul bearers like trying to bring her into the grizzly pair. And then the dude was like working the door was like get her. Yeah. That's the worst idea. So they moved her to the adjunct like like what is it? The Mexican restaurant. right there that's like no longer in business. Oh, I know you're talking about it. Yeah, yeah. And so then they

started pumping her stomach there. And sure enough, like her friend, like, she had two of her friends that were like still like talking out of the side of their mouth. Be like, so we're still going to hang out later. Like you're like the dudes. And then we saw them what, not even five minutes later. Just making out hardcore. Like we used to, we went and we used the bathroom and they were just making out hard care of the bar. I've never seen a, I don't think I've ever seen anybody drunk to like when you like push their. face, they don't do like a...

I know, I've had that before. I think the drunk is... That was such a good point, though, that guys, like, I've legit hit friends that were too drunk when they're passed out. You're slapping them in a face and shit. Like, hey, wake the fuck up. I feel like I've got into the point. I'm trying to think of who it was.

I had a friend Blackout so hard. I was driving my dad's car, too, and he threw up all over the interior of the car, but, like, wasn't moving at all besides the throwing up. Were you underage? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Oh, what an asshole. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Yeah, it was such a dick move. Yeah. And it was, um, dude, he had... Pugas. It was somebody because I like put him on his doorstep and I didn't want to talk to his mom. So I was like, it just kind of like drove off. It was almost dropping off like an abandoned child at a firehouse. Yeah. I was like, I did get rid of it. Covered in vomit. Covered in vomit. I mean, I mean, what do you, that's what you do in that situation? You would, you would have got. You would have got me out of the grizzly pair at least in a car or something. I would have you an Uber. And it said one voyage. The only other times that is it's, it's Ahmed's problem. I was thinking about this.

It was, that was... Earn your points. The worst I saw, I think... Now realizing, was I had a friend who did whippets and... Which I was doing them too. Those are fun, dude. They're so much fun. It's the most fun.

You're literally mentally challenged for a minute. It's Michael's favorite drug. Oh, I love it. Dude, you're just dumb for a minute. We should do some whippets together. I'm fucking down. Do it on the pod. Yeah.

But are those similar like poppers? Way better. Way better. Poppers makes me feel kind of like... Yeah, we've done poppers? Yeah. When you do poppers, you got to get fucked in the ass. one they don't require.

So it's your requirement. They're like, are you gonna get fucked in the... I still do it with Whippets. Okay. So Poppers loosens your asshole. What does Whippets do? It just...

I don't use drugs. It's just... Have you ever had your teeth pulled at the dentist? Have you had laughed gas? Wisdom teeth. Yeah. But no,

I was under completely. Okay. Well... Just a quick head high, like, like you feel like you might pass out. But if you do another, but you can have like an out-of-body experience.

Yeah, it's wild. I don't think I've ever had that. Oh, yeah. If you do like, five back to back. You go out of your body and like it's like, you're in like a day's.

Are you talking rapid fire back to back? Yeah, yeah. Okay. You got to like, because I've done them like sitting in a circle like taking turns hammering them. You got to just like every breath you take is a whip it.

And then, dude. Oh, that was that song. Every breath you take is a whip it. Yeah. But, no,

I had somebody do it and they passed out completely. But then I remember I was telling everybody and they weren't responding. I was like, it's whip. It's just give them like a minute. And then a minute later they're like fully there because it only lasts like, yeah. Yeah.

Like a top travel movie Fucking, yeah Like he got pulled out of the Matrix Yeah, yeah, yeah, you Um, thirminer like right there Um, but yeah,

that was that, um, but yeah, I don't think I ever, I think the druggest I ever been was at Monster Jam and, uh, you are such Florida trash, dude. It's so funny because my parents have money

that I'm just a trash person. I don't have an excuse for my behavior. Because you're from Florida, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that negates any money. Even, even, yeah, even Florida.

money is trashy. Yeah, I thought, I thought, it's not even a good city, right? Florida, Florida money is crumpled. You go to Florida

and like the main food there is like, did you eat at the public? Hey, it's a tropical paradise and you shut the fuck up. It's a magical place. Aren't you from Orlando?

Yes. Florida money's wet. They won't let you use it at the laundry mat. It's crumpled. It's wet. It won't fit in the laundromat. It won't work.

But it was so funny because I remember I started doing comedy in New York if you were talking about it. Like, there are guys like, oh, this guy's really rich talking about other people. And I was, like, embarrassed. I was like, oh, God, my parents have money. But then I found out what New York money was.

I'm like, oh, my parents are poor shit compared to people up here. I feel like you're rich, but then New York is wealthy. And that's like, that's something definitely that I've noticed where it's like, I knew people that came from money. And then I came here and I'm like, oh, you're like a Vanderbilt. It's a different status that's New York. Like, it's generational wealth. And I want to say my parents are like, where it's like, you have power.

You have power in like Israel. Well, fortunately for me, I'm so, I've always been so broke. I can't even comprehend that kind of money. It's like, okay. What the fuck's a million dollars? I've just dated it. That's all I've done. I'm that way with negative things.

Like, I felt sick the other day and I was like, man, this is probably what AIDS feels like. And I had no idea. And I started really thinking about it. I'm like, I can't even imagine what AIDS would feel like in my mind. Like, how could it be worse than how sick I am right now? I love the idea that you're hyping up your, your problem so much. You're like, I have AIDS. That's the same thing.

I have a paper cut. This is AIDS. You better not get a paper cut with AIDS. Yeah. It's a messy business. You'll bleed out. They're going to be tragedy. Do you bleed?

You don't bleed more with AIDS. It's just more dangerous blood. That has to be so uncomfortable when the doctors are like taking your blood. You have AIDS. They have to be so nervous. Does that ever come up in a vampire movie? I didn't watch the Freed movie. Yeah.

Where that's how they get the vampire? I might write that. Don't steal that from me. It's done. I've already taken it. You were saying something about Freddy versus Jason or something? No, I just had I hadn't seen the Freddie Mercury docked.

That's how trashy. That's how trash is my favorite movie. They're coming out with a second one. They have like 20. That's my favorite homeless guy conversation. I had a conversation with homeless guy. He's like, I wrote a screenplay. I was like, what is he?

He goes, Nightmare on M Street 2, Return of Freddy Kruger. And I was like, there are 13 Nightmare on Up Street movies. That's way better than any fucking. that a comedian has ever read. Oh, yeah. But it's just so funny to think that, like, like, he must have became homeless immediately after the first one,

because it's been 13 movies since this. Dude, you didn't tell him, did you? No, no, no, I was like, great idea. Great idea. I was going to say, that would have been fucked up. I was like, yo, let me look at the script. He goes, all up here. Just pointed his brain.

I was like, yeah. Because he would have, like, he's walking around right now. And that's his, that's the only thing keeping him alive. He's like, man, things are going to change soon. Dude, West Craven is going to love this. He passed away. How many years ago? Three?

I also love the idea that they'd make Nightmare on Umstreet like 50 years ago. And they've just never even thought. They're like, we never even thought about doing a second one. That's crazy. Like that's genius. We just thought it was over. I told this shirtless guy jacking off named George starts telling us what's in his head. I had a homeless internet.

So I just moved into an apartment. And so I had homeless internet for an entire week. Like, you know, like those homeless people who plug in to those. Oh, yeah. So I was going off my hotspot off my phone. Yeah. I was like, dude, I felt exactly the same ways. Oh, yeah, that's exactly the same struggle.

Yeah, that's exactly the same struggle. I was shitty myself. I was on math. I helped you move, all right? You have brand new appliances and beautiful tile backslash. But yeah, you're right. Herring bone. You and the homeless guy have the same plight.

Look, we all have our own struggle. Okay. All right. I love it. He's like, I couldn't stand. in the Hamptons. I had to go further west. Sometimes we have to go to Fire Island. Did you ever see the amount of comfort

of, like, laying down homeless guy has on just like a shitty bench? Oh, it's nuts. Like, taking an earth nap right on the fucking sidewalk, dude. An earth nap. I love it, dude. Did you coin that phrase, Earthnap? I don't know. I heard a friend say it in high school. Yeah, yeah.

He died in a drunk driving. Well, that was like a year and a half ago, so you take it. But he, uh, but then you'll see some of the, some of the people like near the village that have like pretty nice setups. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they got like almost a bed, dude. Fucking lucky.

So I have a bet. There's a guy here. He's doing like pillow forts out there. East Village like not too far from your show. That's a lifestyle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's leather jackets. It's being angry at that at that cheeseburger place.

Yeah. Like that like that's their thing. It's just there's like, dude, I saw a guy there just holding a pigeon, like a dead. pigeon just like some super goth guy just like like the crow. Yeah. Yeah. When I was living in a van in Williamsburg, man,

I met so many homeless people and they would come up. I'd imagine. They probably had like one point one million dollar net worth as well. I remember one guy came up to me he's like he knocked on my window and he was like, hey man, you know we're neighbors so I thought I'd come and introduce myself.

He's like, hey, sugar. Do you ever need to take a piss? I'd go right over there. Did he tell you was a sex offender? That was the door-to-door knocks? No, he, no, that was not him. He was, he was, he told me very, very plainly. He was like, you know, I'm a heroin addict, you know?

He's like, I used to be a cameraman for Fox News. I had a snowboarding accident. I got addicted to oxy cotton, and then I started doing heroin when the prescription went up. He wasn't a sex offender? I was surprised he didn't say, like, I saw too much at Fox. No, fired me. Is there anything more humiliating for a sex offender than having a knock on a van door to tell the guy in the van that you're a sex offender.

Hey, you already know what's going on here because you have to do the same thing. But it's way more interesting. Well, my favorite is after he said all that, after he said all that stuff, he's like, so I'll keep an eye out for your van while you're gone. I'll just make sure everything's good. Yeah, you're going to look at it over the safety of this, you heroin addict.

Yes. It was perfect. Heroin must be fucking phenomenal. It's got to be, right? You've broken your van. He'd be like George Soros. yeah I can't imagine everybody kind of has that like same general joke

nobody does it but like that whole idea that like once you get to a certain age you'll just start doing heroin before you die yeah just to give it a shot yeah yeah I don't think I don't think I'll ever do it I'll randomly just be like I'll snort it

yeah that's what I'll have random like moments of my life like an adult I'll randomly have moments of my life where I think I could handle I would never do it but in your brain you're like yeah you know what I feel like I can handle it handle it. And then you're like, uh, probably, it's a bad thought to have. They end up just get my father just recently passed and they end up just giving it to you morphine. I mean, they just start giving it to you as you start. Yeah. That's, well, oxies are a form of

yeah. Yeah, that's the same thing. They just are like, well, this is over. You know, let's just start. I want to smoke crack because it sounds like the funniest thing that you can do. Oh, yeah. I smoked crack yesterday. Nobody ever. I thought you. Nobody ever believed you. So that's how easy it is a give away with it. Hey, why are you late? Oh, smoking crack in my car. He's such a goofball. But I think the heroin things I didn't mean a steam row. The heroin thing is such a balance

because I think some heroin addicts are like, it's just like doing oxycontin to normalize it. They'll be like, hey, it's nothing. Or other ones will be like, it's fucking nothing. It's way bad. So Artylinne even said he goes, it's better for your liver. Because like his doctor told him.

Heroin is? In his book, it's hard. It's better for it. So if you're injecting it like that versus taking it orally, it's better for your liver because you're not, you're not breaking it down. Hey, he talks about that. His book.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Too fat to fish. Such a good book. There was that, what was it? Like a Columbia professor talking about how he casually does heroin.

He casually does it. He goes, don't believe the media hype. Heroin's awesome in microdosis. Well, I do think what happens, I think a lot of people are hardcore drug addicts and then they do heroin. Because it's like, it is a big leap. If you've heard this much, like, you have to not care that much about your life to do heroin. You know what I mean? So a lot of people that are doing heroin have already like, they're already doing it up.

Yeah, they're always doing it. a fuck ton of drugs. I don't care about anything. I'll do heroin. You know what I feel like that's like? Yeah. Compared to like, it's like if somebody, because they're getting the information that's horrible, they're getting the, everybody's getting the propaganda that heroin's war for you. Horrible and ruins your life. But they're like, I don't care about my life enough so I'll do heroin.

Because that's one of those drugs that you can't like, hey dude, come over my house first. We're going to shoot up some heroin and then we're going to go to the party and fucking, then we're going to go to the bar. Yeah, but I think snorting it's more casual. Like I knew some friends in high school that would like snort it and they're like, we do. It was super cash. Like in your brain you're like, Look, I mean, on the first pro-heroine podcast, you are such Florida trash, Michael.

You said that so casually. My friend's story. So, I was like, so anyway, my bath salts friend when he was eating in the face. I'll def, it's so funny. I have like, bass salts. I've done bas-salt. It's such an umbrella. I'll defend bath salts.

He's such a scumbag. I can't see myself. ever doing bad salts. I can see myself have you taken Molly? Yeah, yeah. Most of time it's Bass Salt. So Bass Salt's is an umbrella term for a group of drugs and they sold so many of them at Molly. You stupid idiot. I thought it was legitimately like people

hammering Bass Salt. You're such a idiot. You're from Florida. I've been to Florida. No, I know. But like, you're Florida genius. He's a Pennsylvania idiot. Yeah, there we go. Which is the same thing. Yeah, it kind of evens out. No, no. So it's like a group

of drugs that they sold as Bass Salt. and like some of them are like basically meth so like they do make you the people eat people's face off now you're talking my language man Illinois there's a lot of meth in Illinois crystal meth baby you don't need those teeths I did a show one time in like

bum fuck PA it was like two hours outside of Pittsburgh and I get off stage and my friend that was hosting was like hey man I told this guy you would go in his truck and do blow with him and I was like fucking why and I and I and I

we go into this truck and this dude looked like Stone Cold Steve Austin like a huge like Jack dude the whole walk to the car me and my friend are going with him Who's jacked? Oh he was ripped up He was like more muscular than Stone Cold but had a beer gut and the whole time he's talking about how he's going to kick the sheriff of the town's

ass because he keeps giving him shit So we get in the car and he pours out some powder for me and it's blue and I'm like Hey man That's not cocaine he's like oh yeah brother It's Crystal I graduated from years ago.

And then I was like, it's like, Breaking Bad shit. Dude, that's what it looked like. I was like, dude, I was like, I'm not snorting fucking meth in here. And then he's like,

all right, all right, that's fine. He shoves it back into his bag and he pulls out like what looked like a Tony Montana starter kit and he cracks that open and it had to blow. So he pours that out.

He pours out three lines. And my buddy Matt's in the back. He's like, no, dude, I'm driving. So you could just give both the Ray. I'm like, what the fuck?

You know, and then we did him. And then I thought that that guy was going to kill me because then he's showing us his gun in his car and I'm like dude can we don't we got to take the headliner off stage he's like let's get it I love how passively against it you were but every step in the story you were like so I'm in there in the car and then I'm doing the blow and then I well it's like if somebody offers you a lemonade my favorite part of that story was like he offered you meth and you're like well I can't do it here as if it's a location issue Dude, but over there Yeah, if we drive a couple miles out And like I'm working Because we're doing it in the car

He has like the light on in the car And I'm like I'm like on like cars drive back That feels so methy Like like having that light on In like a dark area And he's telling me that like He's like yeah I don't really have a problem

I just do this casually And then two seconds later He's like if you know any motherfuckers Out in the city in Pittsburgh Dude that got good crystal Let me know I was like we are not exchanging numbers My friend

I love it. That's funny. I'm from San Diego and I used to go down to T.J. Mexico all the time. And I went down with a buddy one time. What's Tijuana? Tijuana. Mexico? Sorry.

But I'm at this bar and the bartender goes, do you want anything? And I go, you know, I'll take a beer. And she goes, well, no, do you want anything? And I was like, oh, I'll have some weed. A shot. And she, no, and she gets me the weed. And apparently you can order anything at this bar, Coke, meth, heroin, whatever you want.

So I go to the bathroom to smoke this joint. And I look over at my friend, and he's smoking crystal meth. It was the craziest fucking. I was like, oh, fuck, we got work tomorrow. What are you doing? He's like, dream a little bigger, dear. I wish I didn't ask what T.J. was because I initially thought it was T.J. Max. And if that whole story was like, dude, he's fucking smoking crystal in the bathroom.

You can get anything you want, T.J. Max. I got a $10.00. His track jacket. It was wonderful. It was a great time. I got a suit. It was a, I feel like that place, the way you described it, like, you could do any. I think you literally give him like, here's $40.

Can you just stab that guy right there? That literally was the feel of the whole place. Yeah. Well, I mean, I couldn't listen. I grew up there. Oh, that's where you drew the line. I grew up on docky shows. No, I tried.

You have your buddy doing crystal meth next to you be like, I'm a gentleman. I, no, I tried to find a donkey show. I think that's a, that's a ping pong balls. Yeah. Would you watch? one. I would 100% watch one. Yeah, I would.

I would bark for it. Yeah. As long as they give Michael five minutes up front. Oh yeah. Can I host the donkey show? You'd open, she'd come out and I'd yell,

Girl boss, and she would just do her act. Could you imagine doing like a joke about Uber and while the background, they're like setting up the act? So like there's a girl like bending over. Shepoom! So Uber's are getting expensive.

Yeah. Is it the salad fork or the dinner for? Shippoong! She everybody's getting into this Bitcoin, huh? Anybody got crypto in the crowd? Shippong. That's such a... I do all the weird shit of the...

Like, if I go to Thailand, I would definitely look for a lady boy. Yeah. Maybe not to fuck it, but just to look at it and put in your mouth. Smack its wiener around or something. It's. I don't know. Well, you know, when in Rome.

Like a fucking high school, like football coach? Like, what are we talking about here? Smack it around? Me, like a Thai lady boy. I would get one of those and I would just have it over. We'd just goof around and, like, put it in your mouth. I'd have, like, okay, if right now the four of us were in Thailand, I would have the Thai lady boys come over and just kick it and do, like, giggle.

Yeah. Pull their, boobs and wieners out. Do some, like, fucking helicopters with their, with their peoners. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think they're shrunking because they take so much estrogen. You wouldn't be into that?

Apparently they have very small penises. Dude, I'd fucking, yeah, so many. What's a lady boys? I'm gonna tell my girl from that. I think a lot of estrogen.

Oh, I think you said I fucked so many. No, no, no, I'm like, bring them all over here. Yeah,

bring them over here. I was like, they'd probably be a lot of fun. Yeah. I think it would be a great time. Yeah. They got to be a good hang. You know,

like when you end up talking to a stripper for a long time. No, apparently they don't have a good hang little shriveled wieners honestly that would be good to bring them over it might make me feel like a monster yeah my dick's so big isn't it? Yeah, bigger than that lady boys

dude. Yeah, it'd be I'd love it because they'd like have stories with like beginning, middle, and end. Yeah. I love how everyone was against this and then by the end and everyone's like yeah yeah, I agree with three. Yeah, we should go and get some lady boys over here. I'm moving to Thailand. The way somebody

described it was like a serious cultural thing. They're like, it's like one of those things are like, it's accepted. Yeah, and they're like, in society, you grow up and you decide if you're going to be a man and woman or a lady boy. They're more expensive as prostitutes, too. Really? Yeah. So what you're getting... Did you look at the fucking price line? Huh?

What? Send me. Price line. Send me the brochure. Right. Send me the brochure. When you pick your flight and then you know how it's always like, you can get a rental car for this much and get a lady boy for this much. You can add, oh, wait.

Dick's out. Dick and balls is extra. The lady boy. The lady boy's 30 more bucks. Damn. All right. You're like it looks good. Treat yourself. Treat yourself.

Be like it comes extra, man. It's either first class or a lady boy. Do you want the hemi? Do you want the hemi or do you not want the hemi? Hey, God bless. What's this podcast about it anyways? Oh, it's nothing. It's called Morning Good and it's just me with a boner on the front.

Hey, dude, that's great to like, you know, really differentiate yourself. and they just like comics talk about comedy. Yeah, we talk about comedy and come. You said we

talk about come in the beginning. Did we talk about coming at all? We kind of are doing it right now. I saw Michael Keaton the other night.

Looks fucking phenomenal. He's from Pittsburgh. Wait, in like, person? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's from Pittsburgh?

Yes, he's from Cori. I was on McDougal and he walks by and he was with some girl and everybody asked me like, was she hot on it? I didn't notice her at all.

This is the most starstruck. Was it a lady boy? Yeah. Michael He's like, shut up. Michael Keaton is like one of my like, yeah, favorite actors.

I love him. Me too. I watch Spotlight and Founder. I can take it. You know what's insane? Is you know how people like watch it before they go to bed or like just like some like background? Do you know, do you know what gully watches?

The movie Spotlight. The one about, the one about journalists exposing. The one about Journalist's exposing. The Boston Globe. Dude, that makes me go. I get REM sleep for watching.

from watching Michael Keaton solve crimes in the Catholic priest confess. Dude, and like Rachel McAdams and and Mark Ruffalo like digging deep and I'm just like I mean it's a great movie

but it's not a... It is my favorite thing to sleep too. That was like, yeah, people were weird like that. Like I have a buddy we got hammered and he's like let's watch what's that one with Jack Nicholson where there are the...

The Departed. No, they're like Tom Cruise. The shining. Tom Cruz. With Michael Keaton? Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson are not in any movies. A few good movie?

You can't handle the truth. Yeah. Let's get hammered watch. I bet it's not like a hammered movie. That's not a hammered movie. That's not a fun drunk movie. Yeah. It's a play.

Did you see the legal maneuver he made there? Yeah, that movie's a play. Yeah, that motherfucker can't handle the truth. That is contempt. He was very correct in that. I'm a big cheers to follow. asleep guy. Put on cheers.

I watch cheers. It's easy listening. I like cheers. Yeah. Yeah. And that's a fun thing. My dad, when he used to have to babysit me,

he would have to babysit parents. Sometimes he'd have to. And he would drink and watch cheers. And I, when they said norm, all of a sudden he cheered. Yeah. You're like,

your dad invented the drinking game. That's what it sounds like. You know they didn't drink actual beer in that show. That pissed me off when I read that on IMDB. It was like a nasty fucking like mixture. Like they said it tasted really bad. That's why they would never take big swigs of it. You could have just gotten like, O'Dools.

Yeah. I don't think they had old duels then, did they? Yeah. Maybe not. I don't know. My thing about watching stuff falling asleep, I remember when I was a kid, I watched, there's this ride at Universal and Ellen's on it and Bill and a science guy. And they're like, if you watch something,

you're more likely to have dreams about what you're watching. So for like four years, I would just watch porn and try to go to sleep so I could have dreams like that. Is that true? Yeah, but never worked, though. I was just, I would just wake up porn on my phone. You probably fucked you up sexually. Your mom comes to wake you up and be like, Michael. Oh, that's why this guy couldn't quit talking about lady boys.

That's what it was. Yeah, I was the what's wrong with this big? It's like so callous. Did you say hi to Michael Geaton? No, and I was like that. Because I'm like, I feel like it's kind of a dick move. I love Michael Coaton. I love that that's the big start.

You work on McDougall Street five nights a week. I see Chris Rock all the time. Michael Keaton is a bigger star than all of them combined. Michael Keaton and Gene Hackman are the two people I'd be like superstar struck by it. Cheapel's a bigger star to probably most comics because we're in comedy. But Michael Keaton also a good stand-up comic. Yeah. He was a really good stand-up comic.

I saw him on that like. All right. Well, it's not suck his dick too much. He was a decent stand-of-comics from Pittsburgh. No, no, that comedy store doc. I was like, I was like, I always heard that he did stand up. And then I saw it. I was like, I should. He actually was like not a bad comedy.

Yeah, he was like an 80s guy. Yeah, he did a yeoman's job. And so you see that and you're just like, oh, I had no idea. And he was like a passable comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And film-wise, he put out banger after banger after baneal juice. You know, what was that? Batman, Night Shift.

Spotlight, the founder, Birdman, even recent. Dude, I love, I love his newer shit of like. You know where he's from? Pittsburgh? Yeah. But my thing is, the crazy thing, somebody brought this up the other day. It's so funny because you follow, like, your favorite comedians. You're like, oh, they have a ton of Instagram followers.

And then you look at, like, the background, not the background, but like the cast of just any, like, stranger things. And they have so many more. It's crazy how little followers. What do you mean? Oh, their fake accounts. Yeah, what, like, what do you? Yeah, yeah. The guy that, the guy that, like, they're like, bro.

They purchased that. Winona Ryder definitely buys her follower. Yeah. That's a good point. There's no, there's very vapid. They're not, they're not,

there's no young person thrilled to follow a 54-year-old Winona Ryder. That's, I didn't even realize that. That's a great point. Yeah. These things are purchased. I think she still got it.

No, I think she could still get like 200K. No, no. I mean, like, I think she's still pretty hot. Oh, you should get it.

Yeah, she, I'd take her out. What would you do with her? Take her to sushi. Sushi? What'd you do next? Take her back to my house. Yeah, would you say you have a nice hands?

That's kind of my thing. I am a hand guy. And then I would give her head and then I would kick her out of my house. You give her head. I'd blow her and I'm like, I'm not going any further. I don't like that term when talking about it. That's weird. You said head and blow her.

It's like when girls say I'm jerking off. Yeah, that's not. No, all of a sudden, you made Winona Ryder Ladyboy. Yeah. Oh, my God. I think I got a problem. It's gender specific, those terms. Yeah. I might have a problem. I've been falling asleep to Lady Boy porn. Just listening.

Are Marissa Tomey and Winona Ryder the same age? I don't know, but Marissa Tomey is an absolute fox. She can get it. Yeah, she can still get it. I'd lick her clam. He'd Davidson's mom and eat her out. You know. Oh, is she the one to play the mom in the, uh... In the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, in the, The Bill Burr.

The acting. You know, a more apropos reference might be She's the aunt and Spider-Man Homecoming. Ah, yeah. No, the more apt one is the, that she's in the wrestler, and she shows her cans. Does she? She shows her cans in a couple.

Where's my phone? Oh, dude, she shows them in the one, something about the devil with Philp Seymour Hoffman. Before the Devil knows your name. Before the Devil knows you're dead. No, it knows your name. Knows your name? Yeah, it was Sydney Lumet's last movie.

It's a good flick. Yeah. But Philip Seymour Hoffman pounds her out doggy in the movie. Oh, you don't see a lot of doggy scenes. You don't see a lot of fucking fat old actor doing doggy. Just he's all hopped up on heroin, just banging that. Well, actually, that is kind of a thing, too. Like, remember Monsters Ball?

Billy Bob Thornton slams out Hallie Berry, and he's, like, a kind of like, not an attractive dude. He's a skinny dude, though, so he's probably got a hog. Oh, I bet. I bet Billy Bob Thornton got a meaty rocket down there. That is kind of a thing where fat dudes don't have big dicks a lot, I feel like. No, I guess your weight changes. Yeah, it's a good point.

Well, because you got the pudge on the pubis. Yeah. I don't mean to get scientific with the voobo. But, like, you sued somebody to have such a big dick that it can be fat. Well, that, that black guy that's in all the pictures. It's not fat. He's fat. He's fat. What are you talking about?

That guy's muscular. Dude, the fat guy from all the pictures. The big dick guy meme? Yeah, that guy is fat. African America. I don't think he's fat. You think he's fat? I thought he was kind of muscular. He's, he's thick in several ways. You know they over-exaggerated his dick, right? He's also dead. Yeah, I know. That's so funny. Because all the blood went to his fucking dead. Do you think Philip Seymour

Hoffman had a little piece? I think he had a little dick. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. He has a little dick energy. Dude, for being as talented of an actor as he was, he had over-compancy. That guy put too much work in How many people How many like really successful people That's why Billy Bob Thornton's such a bad actor And you just got this fucking You know like bad Santa?

Like any of that shit? I mean I like it But I don't think he's like Frightonet Light I don't think he's on Philip Seymour Hoffman's left Yeah That's why it's not a Daniel Day Lewis performance Slingblade

Like any of that But it's like but he's got a hog For sure Yeah I bet it's James Wood's got a hog But he's like crazy That's a thing yeah Oh he's not fun on Twitter He's a good time

Yeah he's he's He's logo. Billy Bob Thornton landed Angelina Jolie back in her prime. He used to wear blood around their neck. That's so crazy. That's nuts. That's nuts. Whatever happened to Angelina Jolie.

She's going to be in that new Marvel movie, the Eternals. Yeah, she got a double mastectomy. Oh, really? She took your boobs out. She showed her, she showed her boobs in Gia. So she had, it was like some crazy shit. Her mom died from like either breast cancer or like, like, cervical cancer. And she's just like, rip it all.

out. This is going off the rails. I just keep any woman that you say, I'm like, dude, she showed her tits in her. Ninety-94. I'm like a live, Mr. Skin. Yeah. I don't know. Angelie Jolie is like a smoke show. Even still. I think James Woods. Did you watch that movie like where she was like the fire person though?

The fire person? Like her most recent movie. No. No, we did. So, so it was the director or creator of, you know, like all like the Sicario movies and like all that sort of shit, right? Taylor Sheridan? Taylor Sheridan. So of Yellowstone. He's a beast. I love that guy.

The TV show Yellowstone? Wind River, all that shit, right? So he had her in that. And it was the most ridiculous premise of all time that she was a fucking like fire chaser. Firefighter or something. Yeah. So you know those people like who, you know, who always like dig the trenches like when

there's like a big wildfire in California and all that stuff. She was that. And like she can. barely lift her. People that are that hot, don't do your jobs. She can barely for sure. She can barely lift her arm and they're trying to make it look like she's like a down and

dirty like blue collar like, you know, firefighter. Yeah. Because I mean like these people are like the bad. So there's even people who were like former Navy SEALs or people who were in the Marines who go into this sort of business. Yeah. That one's doing. Trenches like that. And

she is just real. She's anorexic as shit. And then just just be like, no. That adds up. That's up. I mean, yeah. That's a positive mental attitude can overcome a lot. This is going to sound really rude to say, especially to somebody that is from the West Coast.

But there is not like a disaster that I feel less affected by than like the California fires. Yes. Somebody will tell me like, hey, do you hear about the fires of California? I'm like, I could fucking care. I've never lived further fucking West than West Virginia. I'm the exact same way. And it is like it's terrible that I'm that way.

Even just right now, they were like when they said that the Taliban has taken back over, couldn't care. Yeah, I'm getting the same way. I'm like, what memes can I make out of this? I don't even think about that. I'm like, dude, is it Friday? Is Ted Lassow out yet? I would like to watch that. Well, it's also like you can't, you can't constantly just be like, this is so sad and this is, you know what I mean?

You can't just like. There are some people that do that, though. Yeah, but it's performative. You know what I mean? Like, you can't like, yeah, there are things that are really sad. It's like, but you have to grip me and you have to give me like a setup. Like, you know what I mean? it's kind of like, if somebody could just tell me a story about how they won their high school football game,

and if they're emotional enough, I could cry at that. But if you're just telling me news headlines, you know what I mean? You're such a beta, dude. I would never, no, I'm just kidding. Fuck you. But you know what I mean? It's how you gear it up, you know what I mean? Because I'm like, somebody could just pick, oh, this happened.

I'm not going to immediately cry just because, like, something horrible. You know what I mean? Because I'm like... I don't think I'm a bad person, but I was talking to somebody when that building collapsed in Florida a couple months ago. Yeah, yeah. And like, sure, that's terrible. It's a tragedy. and somebody

somebody calls me up and is talking to me about it and like they bring that up and I was like oh I didn't hear about that you they were like it just happened I was like oh that's crazy and then they keep wanting to talk to me about it I'm like God I'm like this is so boring and depressing can we talk about something else

and it is because it's so far away and that's fucked up of me yeah that's just how it kind of works but yeah that's human psychology though is like to deal with like crazy trauma like that you have to like disassociate with it otherwise you fucking wouldn't be able to deal with anything in life.

Also, what do the wildfire compared to like, because Florida has hurricanes every year, but nobody really dies or maybe they do and we just don't notice. The wildfires, like a lot of people dying, right? I don't care. No, the wildfires, I don't believe a lot of people die because they evacuated because as a person from California, wildfires move relatively slowly. I would imagine. But as far as property value and, like, destruction goes, like, it.

Did Miley Cyrus get her horses out? You know what's crazy about that though? What I read is that people that have And it's fuck them they're rich But people that have horses or whatever Will be like trying to evacuate them And people will show up with like trailers and stuff Be like we're here to help we're part of this whatever

And then they just load the horses up And we'll steal the horses They have no idea Yeah that's old school cowboy shit Yeah they have no idea where the fucking horses And they're like I don't know my horses I don't like that That's fucking bad ass

Because their owners have abandoned them. They're like, firefighters, please help my horses. And it's like, they laughed. Did you ever ride a horse? Yeah. Very difficult mode of transportation. Yeah, it sucks, dude. We have a family house in Tennessee.

Horses are fucking, like, it's, they're so hard to control. Everybody's like, oh, this one's. Hold on. Hold on. So you live in Florida. You have homes in Tennessee as well. Not homes. It's like, okay, so it's like. No, it's a lake house.

Well, it's like, it's like different. It's like four families. How many people do you own? 17. They're all lady boys, though. Oh, there you go. There you go. They get paid a fair wage.

Yeah, exactly. Unrelated, do you care if I come visit sometime? Tennessee, yeah. It's 45 minutes out check. Ray will be first class. I want to go because it's 45 minutes away from Chattanooga. So you could do stuff in Chattanooga. There's a scene there.

You could actually do comedy and then go hang out in the woods during the day. That sounds like a blast. I just took the lady boy. joke seriously. I guess you were kidding about the lady boy slaves. I know, you got a hungry mouth. Why is it more expensive? That doesn't make sense to me. Because you're getting

more. Yeah, it's more fun. More just like physical, I guess. It's rare. It's a little more rare. It's a little more rare. It's a little more rare. I guess so. Because men make more per dollar than But in America, it's probably we gotta pay them. We got to pay them a

we got to pay them a bail wage. that's why they do it. They're like, you're either gonna be a man, woman, or a lady boy? It's like, oh, God. He keeps spraying this.

Well, it's also like, in America, is there a ton of, they just don't call them lady boys. They're just like, it smells in here like, like a fucking, like a coat room at a fucking

braille show. Adam just sprayed Chanel number five all over the room. Oh, this is probably like my girlfriend. No, it's not Chanel number five. What is it? Chanel what? Is it really?

Probably, I don't know. Yeah, she can eat a dick, whatever. She can eat a lady boy, two. And it would be little. Hold on, hold on. She would not be full. Have some respect. It's Chanel Chance.

Give it a chance. But whatever it is, I hate it. I don't. You wish it's spelled more like a sweaty lady boy? Stop wasting. No, I'm enhancing it. Oh. That makes it.

I, uh, you guys ever, uh, this is bad. but you ever like really mix up a black person with another black person like bad no i never have they don't all they don't all look the same to me no no never have i thought i knew charlemagne the god i thought i thought i thought i meant him i swear to god i was out selling tickets i met this guy saw him like four times i thought it was just charlemagne the god just talking to me being friendly just a random guy somebody was like that's not charlemagne you should still say that it is Yeah, you should use that as a credit. Yeah, yeah.

You all know, Michael, good, good friends of Charlemagne. Well, somebody, too, because, like, you know, on McDougal, like, people would just come up, especially if you're selling tickets, like, bigger name comics, they see what you're doing. They'll say, he's not a comedian, but they'll come up and, like, talk to you. They'll pick, hey, what's going on, man, cool, like, nice to talk to you, whatever, and get going. And that was the same day that, like, Charlemagne came up or what I thought was Charlemagne. And this guy, I'm starting to put, like, aggressive friendship vibes in this person

because I'm, like, kind of coat tail riding a little bit. I'm like, yeah, man. Yeah, yeah, you're doing all right today? Okay. Yeah. And then randomly I was like, you're Shulsey doing real while. I was talking to a buddy.

I was like, do I interact weirdly with him? I was that he's like, who do you think that is? I was like, Charlemagne. He goes, dude, that's not Charlemaid. And then you're like, oh, it's a Danny Glover. Yeah. Every other black guy that you know. He's like, was that Donald Glover?

I don't know a lot of them. Samuel Jackson. My Rola decks is like 10 black guys. I can't add more. of that. But it's also, the guy is an open micer, which is funny because I just thought he was just Charlotte May. But it's also like, every race, though, apparently looks for something different different different. Like, white people all have different color eyes. So white people naturally see differences in eyes. But like other races, because you grow, you grew up in a certain house.

So, like, Asian people have, like, different noses. So, like, they'll see Asian guys with different noses and they'll notice that difference compared to white people. What eugenics college is you? Florida State University. Yeah, I was like, none of that is true. White people have bigger skulls. I don't look at that. I have no idea.

What some of my good friends, what color eyes they have. I have no, like, I would look more at like their hair color and like it's just like bald or brown. I just found out Adam has blue eyes. Yeah, yeah.

Like I had no idea. You got brown out? Is there brown eyes, Michael? Yeah. Yeah. To be wrong out a bunch. I had no idea what color eyes.

An Asian guy told me this. So I don't know. I think it's true. They're usually pretty smart. They're smart, but not here. No. They're fucking real stupid with this sort of shit. With what?

They're, they're talking about something else. Well, he went to Yale, so I don't know. That is a weird thing. I never notice what color eyes people have. I have... Well, Asian people all have black eyes. That's not true.

Brown eyes. All Asian people have brown eyes. All Asian people are brown eyes. Very few black people have blue or brown eyes. I don't think this is right, man. Yeah. Dude, you're... Asian pride is racist.

No, it's not. There is not a chance that you're saying that all black people have. There are some black people who have blue and green eyes, but it's not very common compared to white people. It's more rare. Yeah. Yeah. Asian people almost 100% have brown eyes. Brown eyes.

Right. Hispanic people have 100% brown eyes. Yeah. And my eyes. White people are the most diverse race. We're awesome. Man, this is getting edited out. We should lead.

We should have ended after lady boys. I thought that was... What are you looking up right now? That was so inclusive. Marissa Tomey's tits. I thought he was going to try to dispel the rumor about all races having the same... Actually, this says you're not racist. Yeah, so you have a super racist Asian friend, but I think that Native Americans don't bald.

I think that's pretty cool. No, it says most people... They don't have the gene. But it's so interesting because they don't ball, but they also don't grow beards. So it's an interesting... Oh, I didn't know. I didn't really. But that's true.

Yeah, they don't grow up beards. They also don't go bald and they used to scout people. That's kind of ironic. Are we smelling irony? Or is that Chanel Chance? This podcast is sponsored by Chanel Chans. Grab yourself a bottle today. Preferably Michael Good because Adam wasted a lot of it.

Yeah, it was a lot. Just a smuts. Just a spritz. You always, it's so funny though because Native Americans, you always think they have beer. In your brain, you're like, oh, he'd have a braided beard, but then you look back, you're like, no, they don't have facial. They don't have facial wear. Yeah.

They're baby-faced. Yeah. I don't know. I don't think I know any Native American people. I'm 8% Native American. No, don't do that. I always say, there was always that kid in school. Oh, my God.

That was like, I'm 4% I'm 4% I'm I'm 4% I'm Yeah. You're like, shut up Elizabeth Warren. I had a friend that was part Native American and he played Christopher Columbus in a play. His parents were so hyped to do it. So I was like, you must not be that Native American. if they were like, yeah. Yeah.

Why, what did he do? Christopher Columbus? Besides, discover the free world. You're right. I'm, my bad. I forgot he's a hero. Yeah, fucking rep it for Italians, bro. Come on.

It's anti-Italian discrimination. What's that? Sopranos when I snapped out of a Columbus day. Yeah. That's the, uh, that's the weirdest, like, Italian flag to die on. Oh, Columbus. Yeah. Yeah.

Like the, you know, like, heroes? Yeah. By the first, we had one teacher in high school who was like, because you know how, like, like it was one of those things that it was more recent that people were like oh Columbus was kind of shitty. In high school he was like, we're like, Columbus did, yeah, yeah. And he literally was like, do you guys know what Columbus did? They're like, he's like, he raped women. His men chopped people's arms off. This is not something to celebrate. And we're like, what's this guy's fucking deal? And then we all just grew up, we're like, oh, he actually was.

Well, they were so funny, like, saying that to like 14 year olds and we were like, this guy's a fucking pussy. I remember, I remember having a Columbus coloring book. And it's just you're coloring like the story of him and it's all like, cute. like, you know, the rhymes. Showing up on the shore. Yeah, and it was like, he's like high-fiving the Native Americans. Their pants in there hanging out. When, like, the real story is him coming off like he's in the 300.

Yeah, just slaughtering. Yeah, yeah. Stabin people in the shit. They're like a Brian Scalabrini day instead. That's what we need. You know. White mama. Like, switch it up.

We need to give him something else. Like, now we can't have an Andrew Cuomo day. Because he fucking started. been around. Dude, I was such a quamosexual. Were you? No. I hated him show early on. I knew exactly who he was. Like, the rest of the country didn't know who he was. He did. He did say one of those, the funniest things. He's Italian? Yeah, that everybody, like, beat into the ground.

But like, like, the ridiculousness of a politician, like, yeah, I'm a little hamsy. I'm Italian. And then I think every Italian was like, hey, dude, no, dude. Yeah. Yeah. He, that's what even Bill Cosby said. he's like I'm part Italian bro I'm 8% of Italian it's cool he's cool miscusi miscozy

Cuomo he's also one of those guys like immediately I knew who he was he's he's exact he is like basically it's just like that old New York guy that's like this is my way you guys you know what I mean like that kind of added

it's very Trumpy like it's the same kind of like is that I'm an old so it's that but also too it's like do you remember when what the fuck is this face name

who's the guy after JFK what was his name? Linda B. Johnson? Lyndon B. Johnson. So sure enough, like, he used to take a shit in his presidential bathroom and he used to have a whole conference meetings while he's dropping a deuce.

Powerful. Apparently, he had a huge cock, though. A huge cock, though. A huge Texas cock. Linden B. Lady Bird was a... Beast stood for big... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lady Bird Johnson,

she was filled up. Right. And so sure enough, like, it was just like a big... big fucking swinging dick sort of. So you think when he was shitting, he didn't tuck. He just let it hang out the top. Just the show everybody.

I bet he just like pissed on the floor. He's like, he's like, whatever. My secretary will clean it up, whatever. That's fine. His, was it him or is it Nixon? No, I think it's either him or Nixon that have the funniest, like, uh, racial tapes. Like they got, he, they're,

Nixon has like everything tapes. Oh my. That's what it is where he's just talking. He's like, listen. And bombs like left, right and center. Yeah, he's like, I don't, I don't, I don't hate Jews. He's like, I just don't trust him, you know what I mean? Like, it's so funny.

Yeah. We can all relate. And he had like those crazy like 1950s diet plans where he would just have cottage cheese with some ketchup in it. Ew. Like that was what he would do. He eats like a poor uncle. Yeah, yeah. It was hilarious.

What is the, what do you think the number? Because you were talking about Lyndon's big swing and wiener. Huge wiener. What do you think the like percentage of presidents that are cheating on their wives? A hundred percent? It's a hundred percent. I think so hold on. This is the whole thing.

I bet Obama didn't do it. So someone had like a really great sort of thing about like athletes, right? They'd be like, they'd be like six titles. They'd be like, you know, 12 cars, three homes, whatever. And they'd be like, one wife. You know what I mean? Like it's like so competitive about everything and just like, but one woman. you know, and so that's what's very confused.

It's like, I think Obama was gay. Yeah. But there had to be one game, but, but, but it, but, but, but, but, but. But, but, but I mean, a lot of these people, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, some of them are like, either exclusive or asexual, I think, to a degree. James Buchanan was the, the one that they say was gay, who's gay, he wasn't married. What's his name for sure was to the peanut guy?

The Sweet. He's like, Jimmy Carter? He's gay. Jimmy Carter was not. He was like 80s. You bite your tongue. He's still crushing ass, dude. He's still beating down that fucking pussy.

His wife is still alive. He's putting up homes for Habitat for Humanity. And then he's fucking in the- fucking dudes. He's, he's building houses and he's breaking him down. Like, what the fucking dick he's laying down. Jimmy Carter is a gay, right?

How dare you fucking talk about Jimmy Carter? Jimmy Carter was not. The sweet sensitive guy. No, no, no. Jimmy Carter was not a good president. but Jimmy Carter was laying that dick down. I bet Ronald Reagan was a queen. Oh, you think he's gay?

Ronald Reagan had fantastic hair, but he had dementia in his last two years of his presidency. He would have said some gay stuff. We would have known, is what you're saying. Oh, it would have come out. I just think he was eating jello, you know. He's having no idea what's going on. No idea, but having a thick old fucking head of hair.

Yeah. Like a nice Hollywood head of hair. So you think every president, did accept Obama. That is the wokenest thing I've ever heard in my life. No, I don't know. No, I think George was, I think he was straight and narrow. I think Obama was straight and narrow.

I think they both just love like bankers money. What about, what about George, the first George? He had to get some trim on the side. Barber was gross. No, but he was grabbing ass. There's accusations about George. What do you guys think about you think Bill Clinton did? Oh, fuck, yeah.

Dude, there was nobody that was crushing more ass and statutory raping than Bill. Yeah, but JFK was slamming some quality. Yeah. Bill was not. Oh, yeah. Oh, what are we at? I was like, I just do an hour. I just do an hour.

Oh, cool. We guys want to promote something online. You have, uh, follow me on Instagram at Rayby killing them. Instagram at Ivan Buster. Just. Yeah. Instagram. Adam Gully.

Kevin Hart. All right. All the above.