Morning Good - Gay Rock Bottom - Episode 223

Episode Date: June 2, 2024

Paddy Defino joins the show as the solo guest for today's episode. In this episode, Michael talks about his most homosexual moment, and Paddy explains what it's like to be fat, gay, and racist.Thanks to Paddy for coming into the living room for today's episode. Make sure to check him out on previous episodes of the show, follow him on Instagram  @paddy_is_funky, and keep up with new episodes of the best visual experience in comedy podcasting, News From Bed.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Hey guys, it's Michael Good. I'm just here to clear up a fact-checking issue with this episode. At one point, I say that Dana White said I smoke weed so that I don't hit my wife and kids. This is a complete misquote. This is actually from a video I saw of Dana quoting some guy named Matt Riddle. So my sincerest apologies to Dana. He never said this. He's just a regular guy who hits his wife. And, you know, I don't know. I've never hit a woman before. but I've also never been in the VIP section of L. Squid Row and Cabo San Lucas. So who am I to point fingers? That's not what this podcast is about.

But either way, thank you guys for tuning in. I hope you enjoy the episode. I appreciate all the support. And thank you so much. The F Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are?

What's this? guest. Morning. Good. Good. I love it. Welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. All right.

And we're here with Patty Defino. Folder 7. Folder 7. Tower 7. Yeah. We're talking about like, yeah, our address is like you show up to our house and you go to the absolute wrong house, which is great for somebody's trying to look for us. Yeah. We should be committing way more crimes than we are.

Yeah. It's bad when you have to, like, when you call Uber Eats to the apartment. And then they're like, I'm here. And then you're like, dude. I'm in my boxers every single time. And I, like, go outside, like, walk into the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, over here, over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's just for, like, Popeyes, it's like, what do you do? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's, it's so hard to justify those fucking Uber Eats purchases. But, uh, this is, that's not what we're here to talk about. We're talking about I reached gay rock bossy. Yeah. The opposite of pussy. I've officially done the gayest thing I've ever done. Okay.

And, uh, I just want to. saying something. It feels horrible. So what happened? So these are my interview skill. I'll do a breakdown of like just kind of why my day was going. So I had like a little bit of extra time. Oh, this is a good time for me to hit my vape.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I got the wheels going. You hit it. And I was like, first of all, I just want to say I don't like the person I've become. I'm becoming too like. obsessed with how I look. Oh, too sexy guy?

I don't like it. Sexa got my go. Sexa gamaica. Come over here. And so kind of what happened was like, people have complained that I don't have like a full body picture on my dating profile. And I was just sitting around the couch. I was like,

you know what? Maybe maybe I will. Maybe it's time to stunt. Maybe it's time to stunt a little photo shoot. Dude. Don't tell me you went in front of the green screen. No. No.

Dude, just me. a white house shaking the president's hand, but I'm shirtless and jeans. Just like clearly two different like white balances and the show. Well, it would be a funny one is to have like a clear celebrity with me, but her face is like crossed out. So like it looks like I was dating celebrity, but now I'm no longer doing that. Yeah. Yeah, I thought it would be funny to do a dating profile where you're like in front of a green screen and you're like like just pointing to a bunch of stuff, but you're wearing the same outfit. And it's just like different places. And you're like, I'll,

go anywhere in the world. I love to travel. Dude, that is, like, hilarious. You probably like, a lot of chicks to like that. You should 100% do that. Yeah. Yeah. Time for me to get chicks, dude. Dude, absolutely. Anyway, let me hear the rest of your story. I mean, like, there's just something that

happens where you, like, you look in the mirror and you go, who am I becoming? Who is this person? Like, I hate it. I really hate it. This is like, this is sincere. Like, I'm smiling, but this is sincere. So where were, where did you do? Dude, so, like, I set up I use your tripod, the very tripod that's filming this podcast right now.

Nice. And I set it up over there and I do like a video because I'm like, well, if I'm a video, I can start taking a picture. So I'm doing like a catwalk, like a fucking loser. Oh, you're trying to get like an action shot? Yeah, yeah. It gets so much worse. What was your backdrop?

Just like the bathroom. The refrigerator. So it looked like how it's in a party. It gets so much fucking worse, dude. I literally was like, well, my arms are just kind of like this in the pictures. And I'm like, well, that's weird because my arms are empty. So I go, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to crack a beer.

So it looks like I'm at a party. And then I took it. And the most annoying thing is it's the most beautiful picture of me. I'm like, damn, this looks fucking great. But you don't, you can't get yourself to put it up there. Dude, I put it up there. And then I call the girl about it because I'm like, this is shameful, right? And she's like, yes.

And I took it down in like fucking four sets. literally was like, I am disgusted with myself, but it looks so... Yeah. Because, like, dude, if I'm at a fucking party, I'm not like, hey, let's take fucking hot pictures. I'm like, let's have fun. Yeah, yeah. And you guys can't...

Girls can take selfies. No guys can look at a selfie of a girl and be like, ew. So girls can, like, make themselves look so fucking sexy. Yeah, I don't know, there's, like, the culture of the selfie has gotten so far. It's, like, evolved so much that, like, I don't know if you remember. There was a time when, like, every selfie that someone took, it looked, like, embarrassing. because nobody nobody knew what selfie face was.

Yeah, you were called like a loser. Yeah, they're like, what are you gonna take a selfie? There's a whole song, it's like, let me take a selfie.

It's like making fun of people who did selfies. But now everyone is so good at it. But like, guys, like we don't really take a lot of selfies. Like, we don't take a serious one.

No. So if you try to be serious, it just looks so fucking stupid. You look like a fucking loser, and then if you're smiling, now I'm fake smiling. I'm like, nothing's making me smile

in this apartment. I'm alone taking pictures to myself. It looks like I'm at a party. You're like, Jimmy! It's like, you're like,

all of you laugh. Does anyone need any? It's even funny. Me reaching into a cooler looking back. It's like, like someone cracked a joke and you're like, you're like in a course like commercial. Yeah.

Oh my God. That's the saddest part is the saddest part is I'm trying to smile and what I know is the darkest time of my life. Just me taking a picture of myself alone in my apartment at like 4 p. While also there's like no AC in here So I'm like sweating and like Wiping my head with the sweat Yeah

Why is it that like men kill themselves more than women? It's because they do things like that And they're like I can't live But like women are always doing stuff like that Well I think I've said this before Women feel shame for their appearance Which they can change constantly Yeah

Men feel shame for their actions Like I think that's a really common thing It's like women will be like oh I feel so shameful That like my body looks like this Guess what? You can fix it Yeah Yeah throw up a little bit It'll solve very easily.

It's really easy not to be fat. And I say this is a guy who used to be fat. Yeah, I guess so. But I think like, I don't know. It's just weird that like it's so much higher for men, you know? Yeah, yeah. But I think it's, I think it is shame of like, because this is what I, when I feel like shame and like any sort of self-hatred, it's, I love me. I'm a very like, I like who I am.

I have high self-esteem. But I feel low self-esteem in my behavior. So I'll be mad at myself because I'll be like you acted in a way that isn't who you are. So now are you really that person that you think you are? So if I act like a dick, I'm like, oh, that's not me because I'm like a nice guy. Or if I act like out of like integrity. Do you think like a pedophile feels shame when they like fucking adult? Who am I?

I shouldn't have steered the conversation. I bet you they fucking adult and they're like, that was, they like lied to themselves. That was good. That was just as great. It was just as good. They look at themselves in the mirror. They just start crying. What if you don't?

Dude, they just fuck an adult with just the softest penis. They're like, I totally came a little bit. Yeah, no, I'm fine. Yeah, that was so sexy. Fuck me. Well, dude, the moral of the story is you got to get those, you got to get the full body shot one way or another. I think the moral of stories I need to go so far the other way.

See, my therapist said this, I have black and white things. Just skip pictures. were just your face. I'd say just literally post a picture of me on the toilet taking a shit. Not the shit coming out of my asshole, but me just being like... Well, on field, there's definitely like a crew. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the other shame I feel...

I was telling you about this, like, I feel ashamed of being a pussy on stage. Like, I've never been, like, the most... I've never gotten, been like, oh, I shouldn't have done that joke. I was always like, oh, I should have said that joke with more confidence, or I should have, like... Ben, because you just feel so, like, the grossest feelings when a joke bomb, you're like, okay, sorry about that guy. And I'm like, no, I'm not sorry.

I worked really fucking hard on that. And I prepared it, and I told three friends, I was like, you like this idea? It's funny, great. Yeah, well, it's tough, dude, because if you do the thing where you're, like, you tell a joke and it doesn't laugh, and then you're like, oh, you just don't laugh at the best joke in the entire show.

Yeah. If you're like that kind of guy, they can really hate you. Totally. But I think the thing is, too, it's like, it's such a weird thing to navigate because you're like, the truth is I can't like, I just can't keep doing the thing I'm doing. Have you ever like turned on an audience?

Recently. Yeah. Did I tell you about this? I think I told you about it. I remember you talked about that guy. I'll recap it. Austin was great. Two shows went bad out of like 10. So I'm like, it's great, great. That's a good ratio. Yeah. And then one of the shows, a guy went,

like a fake laugh in my face. And I was like, I hope you fucking get into a car accident. I just said that. which isn't even creative or funny. Yeah. And then I was like, whatever, I kept going wrong. It was funny when, like, you get to the point where you're, like,

there's no jokes are in your head. You're like, pure rage. I really wanted to say, your wife's not that hot enough for you to be a fucking asshole. Yeah. Which would have been so mean,

but, like, such a, I'm really, I really, but then I'm insulting her for a night. She's like, nothing to do with this. Yeah, just dragging her. Yeah, yeah.

But in my mind, I'm, oh, she's like putting on lips. Hey. Yeah. But in my mind, I'm like, I don't know why. It's just who I am as a man now that I'm just like, yeah, you're fucking, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm just, the only assumptions I have is to assume this guy's whole life. Yeah. And I have to say his life is going bad. And really my life was not going good at that moment. Yeah. You have to try to reverse and be like, you're the loser, even though. I think it's, I also want to say this. I had a table fighting for me.

I had a table fighting for me. Oh, okay. You guys suck. He's funny. Like, there was literally people like saying, like, he's great. You guys need to shut the fuck up. Yeah. Oh, that's good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you, but you've never had like the entire, like, you've just gone to war with like everyone in the audience. No, but I, I, I, I, you might need that. You need that. And then you dial back. That's your done, Kirk. Yeah. People don't understand it's like, you do need to like go that far and then go back.

Just to see what's over there. Dude, Deauvon choked a guy one time. It was like a college gig and some guy, like, I'm pretty sure it was like the same thing where I went, ha, or something like that. And then it just, and for me, this isn't the end of the stories. That happened. Had a week of shows, whatever. And then I was in a midnight show. And I was, uh, I was running the show.

So I sat to people and I was like, the show's going to be great. And this guy goes, yeah, I'm sure. And I literally was like, I want to fucking, like, the anger that's pent up beside me is like out of control now. I need to like, I need to like dial it back. But he, because it's like, you want to be the fun guy. You want to be that guy who's always just like, which is who I think I come off is a lot of the time. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. And so like, it's like, I just want to be the guy in a Hawaiian shirt like, whoa. It's magical good all the time. But it's like sometimes you're like, I'm just so. fucking angry and mad and I hate everything. And that's how I felt when that guy said that. And I went, whatever, I'll let it slide. He starts talking to the show.

I say, you got to shut the fuck up. And he goes, like, just the most retarded look on his face. He goes, oh, my bad, dude. And he just, like, looks so fucked up. And I'm like, all right. The guy falls asleep. I close out the show.

He wakes up laughing. So I'm like, oh, this is great. I already got him on my side. And he's been awake for 30 seconds. I'm sure he's just going with the flow. And then he does that. There's nothing like, an audience member waking up

like at a punchline of your joke like it's so far I've had audience members fall asleep like three times and like you're looking at them as they're asleep and then you say the punchline and they're like ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm like you weren't listening to just try to fit in you're like blackout drunk

whatever everybody else is doing is what I feel like sometimes when there's like those super hot like model comics that are on stage oh yeah yeah like I think a lot of the times like they get to the punchline and there's like a few people who know that it's like the joke. So they like, ha ha.

And then the rest of the people who've just been staring at their body the whole time are like, like ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's a good one, right, honey? I think that's how it goes. I will say I'm really proud of myself for having that integrity. Yeah, yeah. Because I have had hot girls come up and be like, hey, can I got a spot? Oh, yeah.

And I'm like, no. No, because there's a hundred fat guys that are writing really hard to be in this position. I turn it to an asshole that I become like a woman hating guy. There are a million funny fat guys that are just... Still doing open mics. Just kissing the ankles of these, like, hot teenage girls. It's, like, so sad. Yeah, no, it's crazy.

It's like, it's just something that, like, I used to be, like, one of those guys that was like, dude, like, fucking, there's fucking stage time for everybody. Yeah, it's whatever. Whatever. And then I was like, no, there's, like... The cream rises to the top. No, there's people been doing this for 13 years,

and they, like, have to work other jobs. And I'm like, yeah. This is because, and it's not that person's fault for taking their advantage is like a celebrity that starts doing stand up. But I do blame a lot of the clubs. Like your club's doing really shitty. I get it. You're like, maybe we'll throw like a reality TV star on some of the shows. Like, I get that.

But if you can already pack out the rooms and additionally you're like, well, you know, it'd be cool if we had this person on here. Then it's like, whatever. I'm not kidding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But back to the rage thing. Oh, wait, wait, wait, I do want to finish the story with this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So he's just like that. He fell asleep before me. And then I like that I feel like I have to say that. I'm like, he didn't fall asleep during my ass. It's so exciting and creative. But he wakes up laughing and he just goes, ha. And then I just completely lose my mind because I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.

I had this happen a week ago. I didn't say the things I want to say. So I want to say things. And I'm like, you're a fucking loser. You're drunk. You're alone. You have no fucking friends. That's why nobody's with you right now.

That's where you're completely alone because nobody likes you because you've a fucking drinking problem and you're a fucking loser. And I'm like, everybody's like completely silent, just having horrible time now. And I'm like, notice, I start blaming it on him, which is totally my fault. I'm like, remember how much phone we were having a minute ago? This is all your fault. I was like, I will fucking ruin this. I don't give a fuck about all these people think of it.

I will ruin this fucking show. Just telling me how much I fucking hate you. Yeah. And I literally was like, I was like, I want you to say one redeeming quality about yourself. And then I'll go back to jokes. And he's like, I'm pretty fucking handsome. And everybody just laughs. And I was like, sorry, guys.

You know what sucks, too? He was like, I probably left that place. It was like, sick night. It was, like, awesome night. And then, like, accidentally, like, fucks galgodeau. He definitely had, like, the most, like, the best night out. The best died of his life. And, like, in your head, you're like, he probably learned his lesson.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, it's like, it's like, you turn into, like, Lieutenant Dan, like, flipping out at Forest Gump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why am I taking this so seriously? Yeah, yeah. You're like, I were supposed to die there. He's like, I got ice cream.

And you're like, why am I yelling at somebody? care. Who's having a great time. It's so fun because I recently had a show where there was going to be this girl there who you know. You don't know her, but I've told you about her, where she gave me like a long talk. She gives me like these long talks about what I shouldn't say like after comedy shows. And it's happened like three times. It's so annoying. So like this was like a show that I was just prepared. I didn't even want to do it. So I didn't even write an act. You write like 15 minutes on just her. On just her? Because I was like anticipating her like yelling something out.

And I had like all these. Because she got mad at me for using the word retarded because she's like my sister has down syndrome. And I had this thing written. I'm like, hey, like just because your mother drank during the pregnancy doesn't give you the right to like tell people. I was going to be like everyone has a retarded sibling. Okay. Your sister included. That's funny.

Really, really good. But I had all of this like pent up rage and like anger and like. And then I got to the show and like she just wasn't even there. Yeah. She wasn't there. And then I get on stage and I'm like, oh, fuck. You say I can't say you're like, no. No, no, I'm saying it.

Yeah. And then I couldn't remember like what my actual act was. It was so funny. That is hilarious. Yeah, well, you just have that like fucking like, yeah, I don't know. It's like I really get why people get really angry. It's the most frustrating thing. It's like, yeah.

It's like you're, I don't know. It's like, I don't know how to describe it, but it's like, yeah. And things are going like, better, like I'm getting more state, but it's like, sometimes you just like get frustrated and it's like it's so hard not to just like take it all out on this one guy who's having, because it's like they're having a great time. Yeah, yeah.

And it's also like, dude, it was a 20 minutes set. I'm like 17 minutes in. And like it could have just got like it it could have just been. But I also I think I said this 100, I'm just exhausted like just constantly worried about losing the audience. And I'm like, I'll fucking completely lose them and then. Yeah, because you get a new one the next day.

Yeah. So I need some stage time in the sense of Pussy. We need to get a little pussy stage. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm perfect at comedy. I'm like done. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a finished product. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the price tag on me. I'm out the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I do need is pussy Pussy stage time. Yeah.

Well, I decided this. I'm reversing. Even open mics, dude. I'm down for open mic pussy. I mean, it's funny that I have fat women. Fat women. Hot women that will be there for a week

and then now be, I'm not going to say any more bitter shit But it's like Yeah I'm going the other way Where I'm trying to This sounds insane But I'm trying to get less pussy So I'm going to become a comedy monk

I'm gonna I'm gonna cut my testicles off Shave the top of my head And then just be like And dedicated to the jokes I think that's the only way to be a clean comic You have to sterilize Does not have testicles Yeah

I got rid of them What do I need them for? 17 year olds don't look for ball I don't even know they exist. Maybe it was a Michael Jackson scenario where he was castrated and he just wants to associate. I mean, look, listeners, can you find me an image of Jerry Seinfeld's penis or testicles? I can't. More specifically testicles.

I bet she has the biggest fucking Jewish bush on his fucking. But you're just the hair in his fucking shit. Yeah, it's just a, it's like a bush with like just two testicles, like eight inches distended. It looks like the, you know, like the alien and nope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, what is channel? Oh, yeah, the thing's just hanging down. Well, it's so funny, too, because he's like,

I love how he started, like, becoming, like, a fashion guy. Oh, also, isn't it kind of funny that, like, the movie Nope ends with them, like, taking an upskirt photo of the alien? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess it's not that funny. Yeah, we can, we can edit around that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's so funny, too, because people ask to edit anything out of the podcast, and, like, I, I'm leaving in this and there, just to teach myself. a lesson, but I, I, I want to take out already the part of me describing how I did a little photo shoot. Oh, no, no, that's funny. It's too fucking funny. It's funny and it's honest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's important. Which is what, yeah, I want to be like, um, yeah, I think the only route for me is to become fat again. Like, I just, I just, I used to just fat guy with stains on my shirt. I was like, yeah. That would be nice, having another fat guy around the apartment. Yeah.

We can go, we can both do wing stop and get yelled up by someone else's girlfriend. for being too fat. Oh yeah, yeah, wait. Can you tell that every? You don't know. Yeah, yeah, I get that. You don't say names, but basically my friend came to, whoa, it was like a Cinco de Mayo party?

Was that what I was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his girlfriend showed up basically called me racist for a while. She was like, you got to not be racist. She was like hammered. But wasn't, wasn't it funny too? Because she wasn't she telling you not to not be racist, but not to not be, she just to not be racist around her black.

Her black friend. She's also black. Yeah, yeah. And she's like, don't say anything racist. I was like, what do you think? think I coward and fear of like being called a racist. I only say these in rooms of whites. I only say it online.

Yeah. She's not monetarily worth me being racist. No, but of course, like, we're not like racist people. So like we're like, yeah, just don't, why are you making such a big deal about it? But then like she pinned me against a wall later and she was like, you got to stop getting wing stop with my boyfriend. because you guys are getting too fat, and it's white boy summer. She told me it's white boy summer. I don't know if you knew that, but good news for us.

Oh, fuck, yeah, dude. Yeah, I feel like it skipped a year. Last year didn't really feel like white boy summer. Last year was like chunky Latino boy. Yeah, it was like the guy from Nacho Libre. That is kind of sick. I kind of wish I would have participated. I mean, technically I'm Spanish, so now I can start participating in all these things.

Yeah. Well, I don't know if they know this because there's no cross-reference, But, well, we did the DNA test, Italian mom, who's half Irish. And then there's also the Irish, because the black Irish, are actually all from Spain. So it's out of Spanish. What a dangerous breed that of. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Black Irish.

My name is making the bit from fucking 22 Jump Street. Yeah. Yeah, what would that even? I can't even attempt to do that. I think it's just Jamaican. Black Irish is just Jamaican. Jamon, do Jamaican, Irishman. I think, like, that's how they were created.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I love, I love, because I'm still working on this bit where I do a Jamaican accent, so I just watch lots of... Do you think, like, white people were created in a lab? Yeah, because we're perfect in every way. I don't think so. But I bet you we could find some guys who think that. You go down to Times Square talk to the black Israelites. Because we're all supposed to be black, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, like, we just moved too far away and turned white. Yeah, because it's it. Everybody is from Africa originally. Yeah. So technically, like, we could, uh, that would mean, like, we could write the N-word, but then we'd have to erase it immediately after. Yeah.

I mean, well, I think I've talked to people about this. Actually, I haven't, but I have a theory on this. I think you should be able to write or type out the N-word. because it's like you're not saying like the rule is you can't say it right yeah if I type in a song I can type it nobody's getting mad at me for typing in the N-word

like if I type it in the Google search bar right I'm a lot of do that right I love if you just had a notes app where you just type it over like Bart Simpson yeah that'd be very funny the teacher wants you write like I'm wrong on the chop where you're like oh that's what you want to be around there just rearrange some

letters yeah yeah No, because like, okay, in theory, what's wrong with typing a song name in? Nothing. Yeah, yeah, so I have to find the song. Yeah, I think typing is fine. I think even, like, writing it in a poem, if you don't have any words that rhyme with bigger. Green Day had the song that they ripped it. Yeah, really?

Yeah, it was that time period where he's like, treating us like a bunch of peeps. See, that's like, it's always the worst way to do it. Like, don't say treating us like, because then it's like, it makes it seem like you should be treating them like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're like, we should be treated better. Well, there's that John Lennon song, Women are the N-words of the world. And there's the best video for me to talk. She was like, well, and I can say it.

He's like, I got black friends. They all say, I can say, I don't see what's... They're pretty cool with me saying that. I'm John Lennon. I can say the N-word. I can drop a Lenn word. Yeah. The Lenn word.

I call it the Lenn word. It's such a funny video because Yoko owners do or whatever. I don't know. But, yeah, what was her deal? she just like where did John meet Yoko Ono in a historical photo of the Vietnam War

That's what it looks like Yeah I don't know how they met But it's like I mean she like The best is there's some video of like I forgot who they're playing with They're playing some other musician And she's like singing or something Or she's playing some instrument

And you just see like I believe it's a black guy She's just like looking at her like Who the fuck hide this bitch? Yeah They don't they don't Black guys don't always like, they're not always down with like old Chinese women.

Well, I think I think, well, first of all, what you said actually isn't racist at all because you said black guys aren't always down. So you've now actually... They ain't always job. You've now diversified black people to the point where it's like, hey, they're all different. Yeah, they're, yeah. Yeah.

That's a very fun point of you. Some of them are racist. Yeah. Just like you and me. Yeah. But, um, no, I think there used to be this mic. You were to the Jimmy People's mic. Yeah. You move your feet just to make sure

we don't knock everything. Yeah, so he was a super yoke black guy. Wait, let me, let me get Jimmy Peoples in my heart and do him. Wasn't he,

like, paralyzed? And then he, like, he was jacked out of his mind. He rode an open mic and every week he talked about, he worked at a gym and he was like,

yo, new Asian bitch walking to gym. She out as hell. And he would just go up on that mic and talk about he was very funny, but he just talked about

how he's fucking a new Asian girl every week to like three o'clock to like a bunch of like 18-year-old NYU open micers. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he like was in a wheelchair

for a while. And then like in the words of like food fighters, he learned to walk again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, uh... Learned to walk again. This is gonna be my montage

of me getting fatter. Yeah. It's saying no to push. Learning to see it again. Uh, but I, but it's, he, I remember he told this story about like,

how he was like dating someone who was like in a wheelchair also. And then he got, but then like he learned out a walk. And he's like, what the fuck am I hanging out? What am I going out? What am I going out?

But I think he was like, I think he felt like bad about like having sex with her. Once he got out of the wheelchair? Once he got out. Yeah. Yeah. Because I like, I don't know. I assume.

You know what? I bet you wheelchair pussy probably tastes pretty good. Dude, because there's no sweat. They're not really moving their legs. Having sex with a paralyzed woman. Probably pretty cool. Yeah.

Because you can, it's just like a sex doll. you can just put her wherever you want. Yeah, but I want a little more life. But she can talk. She'll go, ooh, ooh, Michael, ooh. Yeah, but I'm like, hey, you can't even feel it. She's like, I can't feel it.

I'm like, I came 30 minutes. Yeah. She's like, can you punch me in the stomach to squirt it out of my body? I don't know how to get it out. I can't keep it. Like it's a fucking catch-up bottle. You're just squeezing your stomach to get the gum out of her. Oh, God.

That's how I'd imagine you'd have to do it to like a dwarf or something. I mean, I think they can fucking... Yeah, they probably can't. Just fire through the air. That's how fireworks are made. Yeah. I don't think dwarfs shooting come out of their ass. No, no, no, that is the kind of show we have.

I'm not trying to escape who I am, but I'm not, I've had a little taste. I feel like I'm, I was living like a shark tale where I've seen this life is this beautiful, sexy, handsome man. I go, this isn't, I want to go back to the way things were. Yeah, well, I mean, the beautiful, sexy man, it's like, it's not a sustainable life. No. It's a, there's a more, there's more sadness because it's like the, who's the guy, the Greek guy who, like, looks in the pond and he falls in love with himself? I know you're talking to me. And he, like, can never love anything as much as himself.

Yeah. And then he just left to a life of chronic masturbation. Yeah. And he's just, every day, he's jerking off himself with the pond. How does he, is he eating fish out of the pond while he's jerking off into it? Yeah, it's Gallum. Yeah. He just loves the way he looks.

You know what's a good move? You should find hot chicks that are dating fat guys and weasel your way in there because that's how you know. Just be maybe slightly less fat than the fat guy. Just like, I'll just jump outside, like a Russian nesting doll. I'll just like hop out. Ooh, a little skinnier boyfriend. Yeah, just slightly. Yeah, yeah.

I like respect women. I don't know, it's like, if I'm talking about my ideal world, it's fat me getting lots of pussy. It's not thin. It's just there's something that feels like. I'm like, that's cheating. You gotta win people with your personality. Yeah.

That's how I felt every relationship I've ever been in. I'm like, oh, I'm not attractive enough, but like, that's almost better. It makes it better because it's like, oh, yeah, I'm. fucking awesome. Yeah. That's why I'm here. I felt that especially when I was a little kid

I was like a short guy who would like when I was like in like early high school and like middle school and I'd get these like hot tall chicks and I'd be like I'm the fucking man

I'm a little pamp because like I'm small and shit but I'm like getting like I remember one time there was this like a chick with me she was like six foot and then I'm like probably like

five five at the time just like in ninth grade and there's this older dude smoking cigarette Why are you hanging out with these guys or something like that? And then she went on and she's like, because they're fucking cool. And she's like, that guy's a loser.

I'm like, I don't know. I felt so cool being a short guy with a tall chick. Also her just sucking your dick, like sure her legs are like out of the car window. So big. I think she ended up banging my friend afterwards who is shorter than me. So this is. Oh, maybe she's got a thing. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, dude, I'm noticing. Everyone's got a thing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Nobody's just like plain Jane out there. No. And I'm like an average high gabbyized slunge, slouch. But people think there's this like, it's like, yes, obviously women like tall guys.

But it's like every, you can find something for it. Everybody's got a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, tall guy, I wonder what the thing with a tall guy. I think they just want something to like climb around like a cat on like a scratching post. I've been told that it makes them feel small, which they like. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

They're trying to, they're like, I'm not fat. This guy's just tall. Yeah. Yeah, use this for scale. Every photo. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. But if anything, women should be wanting fat guys to make them feel like,

yeah, exactly. They're like, ooh, look how skinny I feel. Yeah. Just like a, like the Washington monument. I wonder if anyone's like a track that the Washington monument. Or not the Washington. Dude, I was looking up at Mount Rushmore. There was like watching fucking SpongeBob.

She's like, is it weird? I'm into that fish. And I'm like, yes. What? Oh, the big fish? The buff guy? Larry the lobster? No, no, no.

It was like the, what's it called? The guy who's like, goal team rules. That guy who's just, no, the guy who like, I'm pretty sure he's the guy like steals their hamburger car

or something like that and takes it to the, uh, oh, Dennis? Not Dennis, the other one. He's the guy,

he has like a, I don't think Dennis steals their car. I think Dennis the one that tries to kill them. There's a guy who steals their car, I think, who has, uh, um,

is he like at, he has like a, he has like a bean. But the beanie covers his whole head. He looks almost like the juggernaut from X-Men. Oh, yeah. I know who that guy is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was just like, yes, that is. That's kind of weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then she started to be like, oh, shark tail. It's like, you're right, Angelina Jolena. Kind of want to fucking. Yeah, but they just make their eyes so sexy. It feels like you're looking at Angelina Jolie and not a fucking fish.

Oh, yeah. She's a little fishy herself, too. Yeah, she does have kind of the eyes on the side of the head look. She's got a little bit of that. retarded look. Yeah, the shape of water kind of look. By the way, the shape of her water. Nice shape.

Generous. I'm going to say, I... You don't like Angelina Jones? No, and it's one of those things like, I don't think she's not hot. But I think there's a lot of celebrities like that. I just don't know. I just like, Megan Fox is just where I get.

That's my introduction. I think the women I'm really attracted to a lot of the times look like that. I dated my first... Megan Fox? Holy shit. I wish. Yeah.

The first girlfriend I ever had in high school, I dated her because, like, she kind of looked like Angelina Jolie, like in the face. And it like, dude, it just carried me through like three years of dating this girl. Yeah, yeah. Like it was, it was like unbelievable. I was like, how does, how is no one else? Dude, when you're like in love with someone, you're like, how is everyone not in love with this person? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so weird.

Yeah. But, uh, yeah. Did you ever get her to say some? What are some angeline jelly in lies? Um, I want to be with the big fish. Just only shark tail. Yeah.

She's probably got a cool one and wanted. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Dude, those like baths, you know, those wanted baths,

like the, where you turn into a candle, essentially. She kind of, like, got back tats into, like, I think, because women have the trap stand,

but like the full back thing, I feel like was kind of like her thing. Yeah. She's having Chinese symbols on your back. Yeah. It's fucking hot. That movie was fucking sick.

Dude, I love that movie. And it's just like, I love also, too. It's like, I've been talking about this podcast before. Those are like the moments you want in your life where you're like working like a dead at job.

Like actually you're super talented. Yeah. You're joking about Alaska. Someone leaves a mean comment on Morning Good 5th. Just smash the nearest person over the head with your keyboard. Organomic keyboard. Oh my God. Yeah.

Yeah, that's, uh, but I would say like I want that moment where they're like, actually your penis going limp is actually a sign of being a hero. Yeah. Yeah. You resisted the temptations of man. Now we know you're capable. Yeah, that kind of, yeah, I always wish that when I went to a doctor that they'd be like,

oh, there's like a lump in your, like, in your chest or whatever that's like making you fat, gay and racist. We'll just remove that. Oh, nice. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. I, did I read something today that fucking freaked me out. I'm smoking pot recently.

I'm back in that. Because I just, I can't look. Ripping bowls, dude. Ripin fucking. What was that? I think he's about it down. He's talking to Stevie.

He's like, Stevie, I see a little bit of yourself in me now, or myself and you now. It's like, you're smoking weed on the reg. It's such a funny thing. It's like a good girl,

man. It'd be like, yeah, I smoke weed on the rag, dude. It's all I do is fucking holes, brother. But it's like, before the last two days,

I've like, being totally honest, I've been either, like, drinking or, like, taking Nyquil sleep stuff. It's just not like a good fucking system. And I smoked pot and I was like

oh, I fell asleep fantastically. Yeah. I woke up feeling not amazing, but like... Yeah, you're a little groggy in the morning. But not compared to like taking fucking you night. Like literally it's a battle when you take night well, because my allergy's been so fucked up. And it's like, I'm just like fighting to fucking get out of bed. It's like

like literally I'll set like five alarms. And then what I do is I unplug my air conditioner so that I'm sweating. And that'll get me out of bed because I'm just drenched and sweat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The weed kind of, it gives you like a little battle in your head. And like it makes you like kind of anxious and nervous. Not this.

I got the Mike Tyson weed. Oh, the kind that doesn't make you nervous. Yeah. It makes you not beat up hookers. Oh, that's good. He doesn't do anymore. He used to. This is me before I started smoking.

I started smoking weed and now I don't punch my wife no more. Isn't it Dana White? He said that he's like, you wonder why I smoke pot so I don't beat my weed? Wipes and kids. Next question. That guy is just a piece of shit. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he like slapped the shit out of his wife on like New Year's. Yeah. And look, I'm not, you don't have to always answer. I guess you don't have to answer it for your friends. But it's just like, I don't know. It's wild. It's like. It's like, it's wild. It like. It sucks when someone, it's almost like better when someone doesn't have a lot of money and does that. Like if it's in like a trailer park. It's so. Yeah. Yeah. Who care? That's how you like. Well, I don't know the answer to it. Because I'm not, you know, I'm very anti-cancel culture. because, you know, I'm a fucking edgy podcast.

I'm anti-cancer culture. Yeah, I don't like that. It's time we found a cure. I thought you're just talking about the way they dress and act. I thought you were going to say Chinese cancel. The cancer culture. Yeah. But who is it?

Yeah, I know, like, but it's like, I don't know where the line gets drunk. Because somebody's, like, hating their wife. It's like, I don't know. It's like, I don't, I think you can hit a woman in, and recover from it. Yeah. I like a easy one recovering. There needs to be a path of redemption

for hitting a woman. For striking a female. Well, it's like, people have like, wait. Because it's hard for me as a guy who's had such an easy life. Like, what if your wife is Rhonda Rousey? Yeah. Then you actually probably wouldn't hit her. Yeah.

Yeah, hey, women, listening. How about you guys get in better shape? Yeah. How have you, like, beat us up? Yeah. Make it even. It's $20 to be a member of Blanche. and you're worried about your husband hitting you.

Yeah, we should just make it illegal to hit a man, too. When a woman's like, like, oh, officer! And then go to jail. That would be so funny. There would be like three years of just really intense, like, protests and punishment,

but then they'd step in line. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, it's one of those things, too, where it's like, you like, it's obviously like a horror. And I think it's especially the partner thing to people like, well, what about a gay couple? It's like, yeah, it's still really fucked up to,

I've said this before. It's worse to hit somebody you're in a relationship with than some random person at the bar. Yeah. Because it's like if you hit a woman at the bar randomly, it's like that's pretty fucked up because like she's not as strong as you. Yeah. But I don't know the genuine difference between hitting a really weak guy at a bar. Like what if this girl is stronger than this guy and you hit the woman in the face? Is it worse?

Like, because people say you shouldn't hit women because they're weaker. That's like, so it's basically sexist. Really. But it is like the reason you don't hit your partner is because it's like fucked up to hit somebody you love. because you're, like, creating a, like, horrible environment. There's enough violence in homosexual sex. Yeah, yeah. As a violent act as it is.

You can get all your anger out, right in a man's ass. Well, then lesbian couples apparently just beating the shit out of each other all the time. Based on, I don't know, daily wire. But, you know, I also, like, have to take chainsaws to their clitoris. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, uh, what was it? Well, I don't know where I was getting with this. But, uh, yeah, people make mistakes and, like, people were like, okay, you know,

like, if you have, like, a drug problem and you, like, getting to fight and hit a woman like and then you were I don't know it's just it's it's it's so hard for me to judge people because I've had such an easy life so it's very like yeah I've never even been close to hitting a one I've never even been like I want to hit you right now no never I've never felt the urge I mean I felt the urge to like hit things but like never a woman no literally never felt the urge yeah and I've had the urge to hit a baby like yeah just like an intrusive thought like what if I can slap this baby I feel like when I'm like really angry with a woman. I'm like

I just want to like, I'd rather like rape them than hit him. I'd rather like fuck them. I would love that club. You'd say they'd be going, interesting. Not really. But I feel like I would be... My first instinct would be to have like sex with them. Because it's like, oh, this is kind of crazy,

kind of hot, like whatever. I've never been in the whole hate fucking thing. Okay. I'm such a douche that I feel like I'm like, no, you didn't respect me earlier. So now you can't have my penis. Yeah. You say the main thing to me. So now I don't yield to yours. It's just you posting in front of the wall.

No, no, no, no, no. Taking photos. But, yeah, I think the general thing is like, as somebody that I don't know, I just don't like, like, but I don't know because it's like, but also every story about him is just him being a piece of shit. Like, I think his mom was like going on record. She's like, oh, yeah, he fucking, like fucked his brother's wife. Like, he's just a piece of shit guy. Dana White? Yeah.

Hey, look, people are complex, but between. smacking the shit out of your wife on New Year's and fucking your brother's wife. You gotta do a lot of good shit in there. People are like, no, you get to know. I'm like, maybe. But what, like, he has to do, I have to find out that he's like saving orphans or something.

Yeah, and not just a rich douchebag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know. I kind of expect poor behavior from the head of like a fighting. Yeah, yeah. I'm not saying cancel Dana White. I'm just saying, you know.

Put him in the hexagon or whatever shape it is now. Yeah. Whatever shape the liberal. real media is making it be. That's such a funny thing. I smoke weed so I don't beat my wife and kids. Yeah. Well, maybe you should smoke some pot on years. That's like close to like the argument I gave

my dad, like when he caught me with weed in high school. I was like, I smoke it so I'm not anxious and depressed. He's like, he's like you're 16. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, yeah. It only gets so much fucking worse, dude. Just not going to hit

that well. Kill yourself now if this is where your brain is. But what was it fucking, dude, I read the craziest article that makes me never want to smoke pot again. This woman fucking smoked weed in California and, like, stabbed a guy like a hundred times. And then, look, I know we all have the same reaction. It's like, well, I don't really have it. The interviews with this woman are really sad because she seems so normal. And she's like, I just smoked pot.

And this way she's described it, this is the scariest thing. She goes, I just started doing things. And it was like I was watching a movie of myself murder this guy. Wow, probably wasn't pot. It was probably like something like in the pot. It was like one of those. case scenarios where it's like they drug test and stuff. I think I didn't look into it. I'm just saying

yeah. Because sometimes there's like it's like the whatever artificial weed. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, synthetic catheneins. Oh, wait, no, no, those are I want to say it's called like K2 or something. Yeah, there's synthetic cannabinoids. Synthetic cathens are like bas salts.

Yeah. Synthetic cannabinoids. Yeah, yeah. It mimics. Yeah. There's also I mean, there's people who do fucked up shit all the time. for like that like anomalies you know yeah but it's just so weird because she seems so and she's like I didn't need to do it I'm like a picture of me smoking pot just murdering you and sometimes people too are like either bipolar schizophrenic or something and then like with the weed like starts that like process that kind of have one of my friends which is why I think children should

smoke pot at five years old so we can start weeding out the schizophrenia's just give them an episode real early and we can kind of like get ahead of the problem yeah because like people are always like oh it's schizophrenic but it was dormant until I smoke pot it's like was it going to lay dormant forever? It's going to come out at some point. We're going to have to add a few more nap times in kindergarten. These kids are just not understanding what's going on. I was watching somebody's shadow box the other day,

and I was like, the guy was for sure like a schizophrenic. I'm like, do you think he's fighting somebody, or is he showing off his, like, is he literally fighting like a cartoon character? Wait, what? I saw like a homeless guy, like, just fighting. Oh, do you think he's, like, actually, like, in his head fighting a guy? Yeah, because I see all, I would see a homeless guy, like, fighting something that's not.

Yeah. They're like ready to go. They're like ready to rip. Oh. They have more energy than like anyone I've ever seen. Yeah, it's crystal meth and like the fact, I think a lot of it's too just going crazy. Yeah. Because I've had a panic attack and I'm like, wow, I don't know where all this energy came from. But I can stay up all night. I look great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Versus like a relaxed person who's like, I don't know if anybody. We should just get like big giant like hamster wheels for the homeless people.

That's a good idea. And just like get them in there. Yeah. And like put like a picture on the. other side of like, yeah, like a big ham sandwich and a $20 bill. And just to get their energy out, you know. You know what? That is, it's kind of like, you know, with dogs, you take him for a walk. Yeah. Who's walking the homeless?

Nobody. Who's fucking the homeless? Uh, each other. Or people that are like, there are like people that are like severe sex addicts and they're like, come on, I'll give you a little crack. I'm about your beer if you suck my cock. Yeah. Which is so wild.

I need to do this to feel. terrible about myself. Yeah, they probably do get some sympathy snatch once in a while. But dude, that must be, like, what room could you, where could you even do that? You can't bring a homeless person in your house. I can't bring homes. You think I have brought a homeless chicken here? Dude, if you bring a homeless person into this house.

That's where the law gets crossed. I don't even know what I would do. I would immediately call, like, Joel. Who's Joel? Orlando. Oh, yeah. He's fucking a homeless person. Dude, it would smell so bad.

I'm like, dude, it's for the pod. Yeah, like our couch, we could never sit on it again. Yeah, also, but they probably, there's, I don't know, dude, people sell a couch like this. I feel like it's just got come on it. What are the chances? But dude, a homeless person. Like, I had a guy who wasn't homeless,

but I, like, drove him. He was like this comedian when I started in upstate New York. And I drove him to, like, an open mic. It was an hour away. And then I brought him back. And my car smelled like just like shit for two weeks. It was the worst decision. I was like, I'll never be in like a closed area with these savages ever again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good way to describe them. It was crazy. Like it's just like... Subhuman is about you. I usually say. Primate. Yeah.

Except primates, I have more respect. I watch chimp documenters. watching a homeless guy. Yeah. They can at least sit down for a haircut. Yeah, by the way, I could say this because I was homeless for two months. I like being kind of fat and kind of homeless. Be like, actually, I can.

But yeah, no, it's, yeah, they're fucking wild, dude. I don't know. I like, but it's like, I'm wondering, I did watch a video one time. Somebody was like schizophrenia and it was like what it was like to be schizophrenic. And it was interesting because it started as like a couple voices just kind of coming in and coming out. But also, I don't know what the difference between voices in your head are. aren't in thoughts. Because they feel like

if I smoke a bunch of pot, it doesn't feel like my thoughts. You know what I'm saying? There's different kind of voices. Yeah, I think it's like... Or it's like... Do you feel like that on shrooms? Like you feel different voices

kind of in your head? Yeah, but it's like that's... I think it's less like in your head and it sounds like it's like coming from reality. Yeah. Like, but I've definitely had like really crazy like auditory experiences on like mushrooms. Well, yeah.

If you take enough mushrooms, you do have like... You hear God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And let me tell you what, he's not happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, no, I've never had, like, I've never, like, heard a voice. Yeah, no, if you think enough shrooms, you have those auditorial.

I thought the song, Passion Head, or Sleepy Head by Passion Head, my buddy played that for some of his rooms. And I thought that was just... God, I could go for some Passion Head. Pash... So, funny. I'm, like, not even... I'm, like, not even horny, but I just, like, want to fuck a thousand people. Oh, dude.

Just to, like, have a thousand people. in my under my belt dude that was funny too because i like uh dude i didn't know that like i was watching the interview the jersey short guy and he's like bro fucking slow night for me three some of two chicks he's like fucking uh he said that was a slow night he's like most of time i try i get 10 bitches in there and then i realize i don't know how to fuck 10 bitches just too much like some dumb guido like yeah i guess i only have one penis i don't know what to do and it's not even that great i mean i've been working out for the like they're like so honest that's like My dick couldn't even get hard

And I was just kind of rubbing it on the clits And then kind of walked out of there So but then later I got hot So I just fucked the leftover lasagna Yeah It's just as good But it was my mom It's fucking delicious

It was my mom So it felt weird When I was all done I threw it out I couldn't even eat the rest We used to make fun I went to like this Christian science church camp

And this girl had like a Guido boyfriend She said my boyfriend's so hot And everybody goes Your boyfriend's a guido dumb ass Like immediately Like just make it fun of them We're like Hey Hey Julie

Your pussy tastes like lasagna. And we just do that, just make fun of her. Because she was like a hot chick who was just ragging about her her, we're like,

what a dumb ass. Yeah, the hot girls either, like, they either get like the hot, successful guy or they fall into the trap of guidoism, you know?

Well, it's so funny too, because like, I mean, those are like successful guidoes. But most of them, no,

I'm saying, New Jersey Shore. Most of them aren't that. No. Which is so funny too, because like, it's funny when losers complain about not getting pussy

because women love fucking losers. That's their favorite thing to do. They fuck losers constantly. There's women that leave their husband because some fucking, like, that happens all. Women have like a successful husband and these are fucking like a 7-11 employee. Yeah, that happens all of the time. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. I don't know what it is. It's like it's a validation thing, I'm sure, like just needing validation. Like, because if there's like some like ugly guy and he's like not looking at you and you're like, what the fuck is wrong with me? Yeah, yeah. Like, you're going to need to fuck that guy to, like, prove to yourself that, like, everything's fine. Oh, yeah.

Is that what you're feeling? No. Oh, okay. No. You're going to fucking guy. No, me, it's more of, like, a, it's more of like a gangus con kind of thing. So you want to rape a bunch of Asian ladies? And have them spread my seed.

That makes it better. So my fields. Yeah, it cut people's heads up and put them on swords. It would be fun to have, like, a dynasty. Imagine a bunch of patty de featsy. A consensual one. I mean, where's the fun in that? Yeah, it's got to be a...

There's no dynasty without the word nasty, dude. Well, but it is crazy, though, because, like, I don't understand where this stuff comes from because I came inside a woman who's the scariest feeling in my whole entire life. Yeah. But I guess if you're, if you come inside a woman and you're a piece of shit, you're like,

there's another me out there. I've come inside a woman who's not the scariest thing of my... I think the scariest thing of my life was a bunch of bees I encountered. Yeah. Yeah, that was like One of the better feelings of my life I never have had a fear of like

Someone getting pregnant It's my biggest fear in the world Yeah Well there's so many measures that can be Means and measures That can be done to like But you're afraid of them like Oh no I'm keeping Michael's baby

Yeah And me and Michael are gonna be a family Yeah Yeah The thing everybody wants All you have to do is just like Be bad at holding a baby baby.

She just hands it to you. Whoops. Oh, sorry. I just pull out a baby doll. This is what I'd do if we had a baby and just fucking kick it. Just swallow it hold. Sorry, it's just what I do. Yeah.

Yeah, no, it's a very scary feeling for me. I don't know. But that's an adorable quality on the TV. Oh, my God. Look at that. Oh, fucker. I heard their dicks. Well, the way they yell at somebody, they go,

me, reem. Oh, right. It's the funniest fucking noise. And they have three penises. Are you serious? Yeah. So get them with the jersey short. Yo, you take these fucking three chicks.

I'll take the other seven ones. Yeah. I'll think my penis can do many things. It's just so funny too because it's like I just now in my mind, I think all celebrities are banging ten chicks at the same time. Everybody's, these are guidoes. They like three things. It's working out, getting fucked up and getting pussy. Paul Giamati's heart would give out if he had more than it.

It's like these are what people just Yeah I do having that many I would feel so bad Because like There would be like seven women that night Who like I wouldn't even want to be there You know?

Yeah Like I've never seen They're like oh no I just fucked him myself Yeah Like in my head even if I see 10 Like gorgeous women Like my mind Picks out like a small number of them

And I'm like Those are my favorites Well I wonder if the other one start now looking less hot like surrounded by the other ones. Yeah, I don't know. Also, I don't remember ever seeing this on the MTV. I don't know why they're cutting out the fucking best parts of the show.

If you were like forced to have gay sex, let's say in like an hour and a head. Would you choose an ugly guy or a hot guy? You know what? Their penises are the same size? Their penises are the same. Well, the ugly guy. has a better penis than the hot guy.

What do you mean better penis? A bigger penis? No. Better. Like he's going to hit every groove you got in there. He's going to play you like a dean guitar. I'm going to go ahead and say this. I'm going to go with the hot guy because if I have gay sex with the hot guy and I'm still

not gay. Oh, okay. So you're like, if you get raped by like an ugly guy, you know, there might be. that little part of you that's like, well, maybe if you're like testing your fears like an astronaut. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. But now, I mean, there's nothing more if you have sex with Ryan Gosling

and you don't like it. There's nothing, nobody can fucking tell you you're gay. Do you think you would like it? He would make it fun. Yeah, it's true. He'd make that little face like that. I mean, it's tough too, because you fuck your hand. That's a dude. If you make yourself think this is a pussy,

you could make yourself think that Ryan Gosling is a lady. you're fucking Ryan Gossing in the ass. Well, that's the thing tan hairless asshole. Oh my God.

You're thinking it's a lady. Yeah. Rev my engine. Yeah. But like if it is a hot guy, you know, there's a chance that you're like,

you know, this is, there's something to this. Yeah, and then you fuck another guy. You're like, nah, that was just Ryan Gossing.

Because here's the thing is I've never liked jazz music, but I've also never heard the best jazz music. That is true. So there might be some, staccatoes in there. Yeah, I'm trying to think of like, I mean, the

gayest thing I ever does take those pictures, but like, I think the other thing is having like a dude. My brother, buddy would call it a dude crush. You're like a teenager and there's like a guy like two years old. He's like, yeah, what's up, dude? How you go? And you're like, oh, yeah. That was so nice. I definitely get dude I mean, comedy, dude. You act like if fucking Dave

Chappelle puts his arm around you, says, you're the coolest. You're not going to be kind of like, aw. You're not like I want to suck his dick, but you're like, he's the coolest motherfucker I've ever seen. tried to suck my dick in the bathroom. I said, no, I don't do that. He turned to Cosby the last second.

If Bill Cosby did that to me, if he, like, drugged me and raped me, I would stay silent. I'm like, those blabber rounds. Yeah, that's, I mean, that is, that's just, like, the craziest thing to ever happen. That he's the most,

decorated sexual rapist. I guess I didn't need sexual. It's always... Sexual rapist. Yeah, no, it's fucking so insane. Like, he, like, put up fucking numbers. Numbers, dude. He's like, Will Chamberlain.

Yeah, those are the only people that came forward. Yeah. Yeah, those are the people that came forward. You know, another people that came backwards. Yeah. What about the people that just came? Yeah. They came forward.

I came! Yeah. It would be funny, too, if they were, like, wasn't a single person he didn't... Like, he's never had consensual sense once in his life. Yeah, he might not have. What is that norm video? He's like on the view.

He's like, I've never had consensual sex in my life. And he's just saying the wrong thing. Yeah, that's so good. The best is, dude, that video that you said a video that black guy. He's on like, no jump. I don't know what his name is, but he's like, he doesn't know the word heterosexual. He's like, what's the opposite of homosexual? He's like heterosexual.

Okay, so hemosexual, hemorrhosexion, not a hemosexual. It's a heterosexual. So these guys are headed dysexuals. Yeah, head of dysexuals. And he's like, he messed it up so many times. They're like, we're just going to let this roll, dude. And he can't, it's almost, it almost seems fake. Yeah, because he's like.

Because it's just gold. He's going so and he's like, also ahead of the sexuals. It's funny because it sounds like it's like the next level. Yeah. We're ahead of the sexuals. We're not behind the sexuals. Yeah. Head of the sexuals is like gay.

That's like progressive, you know. Yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. I love, I love when, I love just, I wish I didn't know any words, like any of, not like the words that like I'm saying right now, but like all of the buzzwords, I wish I just didn't know them. What do you mean? Because like then there's so much beauty

in ignorance when it comes to that kind of stuff. Like if someone's like, like when people use the word like gas lighting, like if you don't know what that means, like life is not as annoying as it is when everyone's using that word. You ever like, I don't know, there's words I didn't even, I've never looked up the meaning but I've just heard it

used enough context that I start using like arbitrary. I never looked up what it meant. Yeah. Yeah. use arbitrary all the time. I thought I knew what the word benefactor was. And I wrote this essay in high school. And my teacher just circled the word benefactor. And he's just like, do you know what this word means? I was like, yeah, it's like factors that benefit. And he's like, no. What the fuck is it supposed to me? Yeah. You can't stick two words together that I know. Yeah. Expect them to mean something different. Yeah. Yeah. There's,

trying to think about. I mean, there was, oh, there was one word I was just saying wrong. I used to, decent, I used to not know what decent meant. That decent meant good. Because people used it like, oh, that's decent.

That's how, like, Canadians use it. Like, trailer park boys. Yeah, so I was like, my brother got so mad at me because we're in college and this girl's, like, showing me her sister. I'm like, oh, she's pretty decent.

And then it comes out. Yeah, yeah, I can see how that could. Yeah, and then he's like, you just called this girl's sister, like, not hot. I was like, no, I said, she's decent. Because I've also heard people say,

I forgot who says it. Somebody's like, get some decent bitches up in here. Yeah. And I could sound, I thought it meant like hot. Yeah.

I think it, I think time is actually your best friend in that argument. Yeah. I think it now, if you were like decent. Yeah. That would be cool.

You had a pretty decent deal. You were just ahead of your time, yeah. Who am I going to be like, all your sister's so fucking hot. I want to fuck her mouth. No, you got to call up as cool.

Your brother said this to you? Yeah. What's this phone number? Yeah. Let's give him a ring. I should call him on. He's bear hunting. Oh,

Hunting Fat Gay Guys. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Where are we out here? No, no, no, no, no. No, no. We're getting it over. We're getting it over. We're past in an hour. What do we do in an hour and a half? I don't think an hour and a half, but there was a, uh, get in here.

There was a, what? Get in here. You had a frame. Get a little closer. There was a, uh, 15 year old boy who just got made a saint. Really? Yeah. He got canonized the saint.

the saint. He died in 2006. I feel like the Pope fucked this boy and he's like, all right, let's do something quickly. That was my theory. Oh, but he died. He's been dead for almost 20 years. Okay, so he's not a 15 year old boy. Well, he died when he was 15. Yeah, but that doesn't make it that age forever. Yeah, I guess so. You're like, this three year old. I guess this is how he got made into a saint is he was a compute. He, like, was the first person to make a website that had all of the miracles logged in them. Okay. Like, all the miracles in Catholicism or whatever and they made him a saint because

of that because nobody has ever tried to make a website before it's like a really weird reason that is really weird because it's like of course like the Catholic Church is so old everyone's old like they don't give a shit about the internet but this kid is like hey look at this

also the internet's probably the Catholic church's biggest enemy exactly that's why they're steering clear I had no idea what they were doing yeah oh that's what's going on yeah yeah so yeah, so this kid showed them his like his website

I guess like in the aftermath of some hot Catholic sex and the priest who was like fuck and I was like wait a minute what's on that screen right there? But yeah it's so strange

or he's just in bed he's like come back to bed what are you working on? Stop! You're such a busy beaver all the time. Can't you please just come back to bed?

with me. I'm cold. I just lit up the incense. I'll let you drink wine this time. Come on. But it is, yeah, it's weird because,

I think this new Pope is like, he's like a hot new Pope and he's like trying to bring new people in. And I think he's doing this because the, the kid's name is God's influencer.

That's like his name. It's like saint name or whatever. The patron saint of like, like binary code or whatever. But he, I think the Pope is doing it to make these young people like kind of look like, oh yeah, there is a path, you know, like God is cool. God is definitely coming back because my Instagram is a bunch of fucking super gay Christian dudes.

Not like literally gay, but they're like, it's like when, like I see a cute girl in church and he's like this, it's like some guy with like Justin Bieber haircut and it's like when I see her Bible and it's all these things like circle and he's like. Yeah. And there's like the rapper ones. like all these Christian rappers on Instagram. Okay. It's like, yeah, I don't know.

It's coming back. Yeah, yeah. We could use a little. Maybe I'll get into it. I mean, I do, I guess this. I like going to church. It feels good. Does, yeah.

And I'm also, I'm just, I always said, I'm a contrarian, dude. I'm like, you're a fucking dumbass. I don't even know how awesome Jesus is. Yeah. And I'll talk to somebody who's like super religious. And I'll be like, you're full of shit.

Like, I just don't. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but there's a beauty in not knowing. Yeah, I am. Yeah. I was watching this documentary is everything we don't know. Yeah. Yeah.

Everything we don't know. And what we will know will maybe be revealed to us on a later episode. Well, it's been great chatting with you. News from bed? News from bed. Yeah. Oh, also, I'm getting some new listeners on this on YouTube. By the way, sorry the camera quality sucks.

My blame Christoph Jean. He's been getting drunk on boats in Austin, Texas. He's supposed to mail me my SD card I left in Austin. It's not my fault I left. left it there's his fault he hasn't mailed it back. But if you're listening on YouTube for the first time, follow me on Instagram, Michael Good Comedy, and I'll follow you back if you say you found me on YouTube.

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, news from bed, Jerry, promote that? Yep, news from bad. All right, thanks.