Morning Good - Genocide of Character - Episode 264

Episode Date: April 6, 2025

Joe Gorman and Levi White join the show for today's episode. They talk about Michael's clown internship interview, ideas for making Patreon money, and visiting a dominatrix.Thanks to Joe and Levi for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes, they've both been on a ton so there's plenty more to see. And hit their links down below for even more.Joe is on Instagram @joewgorman and hosts the Super Selli Joe's podcast. Levi is on Instagram as well @levithewhite.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. Teenage girl that's naturally to be nervous. We're here with Joe Gorman. What's up? Trump 2024. And Levi White. Wait, is that when he's running again?

Oh, no, he already, wait. Yeah, that was the one he won. That was the one he won. Wait, when are we releasing this? This comes out. Yeah, we were telling like this is a delayed episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, well, what are you doing for October?

Halloween's coming up. Yeah. I think it's doing something on the seventh. I don't know. Nice. Feels like a good date to do something big. I don't know. That's the day, dude.

Oh, yeah, that was a fucking goofy little day, huh? It was. Man, we, that ever. Wait, what exactly? happened, by the way. Do you know? Oh, you know. I think, well, like, do you really want to know? Yeah. Oh, Hamas just wanted the Jews to straighten up. Yeah. And then they took some hostages and yada, yada, yada. People died, right? Oh, we're having. Yeah, I think so. We're in the middle of multiple genocides right now.

Yeah, it's hard to keep up. There's a lot of genocides going on. Genocides on both sides. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think there's been a kind of a genocide of character where people have told me I got to get my life together. I got a knot, you know. Well, I was going to say, you're looking very slim. He lost a lot of weight. AIDS. AIDS.

Yeah. It works. It works wonders. That's why gaming always looks like so fucking good. Yeah. All of them have AIDS. That's every single gay guys. Bears are fake gay guys just to make us think.

Every gay guy has AIDS and a six bag. Bears are just fucking straight men that want a free drink. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, yeah, I have AIDS and the doctor, it's really annoying because, like I was saying, they're trying to genocide my character. They're like, you should not get ass fucked and share needles. And I'm like, I don't know.

I'm trying to, have you never heard of rock and roll? Don't share needles in this economy? Yeah. Come on. Get out of town. It's a responsible thing to do now. That would be like the most, that would be like the lamest way to get, the least fun way to get AIDS. Sharing needles?

Well, I guess if you, like, remember when, like, there was a handful of people that. got AIDS for blood transfusions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the worst way to get AIDS. Yeah, because, like, you don't even have fun. Yeah, no fun. Yeah. I don't trust Western medicine.

It's like, this is going to save my life. Oh, no. We accidentally gave you AIDS. We mixed up the bags. Yeah. Oh, you signed the waiver, though. Yeah. Well, I, like, totally get how you would share needles.

Because when I was a kid, I was like, it's so stupid, why don't you use, not share needles. And then I get being drunk. And then he realized how I was a time. when I was a child. Well, it was less of that, more like, dude, I get being fucked up and you're like, like, you know, sometimes you get fucked up and like,

not always, but I've gotten drunk and like, been like, eh, the condom broke, do you want to still have, you know what I mean? Like, your, your caution goes to win. So I can't even imagine heroin. You're just on heroin. You're like, I don't want to smoke it, though. Like, I'm, like, there's like, it's like, it's like, it's not the only way

to ingest heroin. That is true, but it's the fucking best, apparently. I know, but I've smoked it? Yeah, smoking is cool. I'm like smoking in like Andrew Dice Clay. Hickory dickery smearly. I love smoking heroin. It is really funny.

I know multiple people have smoked heroin and just not got addicted at all. Yeah, because it's like the only way. Have you actually? No. Come on, man. I'm fucking...

I'm Joey G. I'm the straight-edge fucking warrior, baby. The heroin, they could surprise me, dude. Sometimes you hear people, they're like, yeah, I was smoking heroin. Yeah, it's like, it's fucking chill. No, I'm saving that for my wedding night. Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.

You gotta have, like, something to save. Yeah, uh-oh, dude, fucking Michael Good telling you how to fucking hold the mic. Just get better equipment, dude. Yeah. Or you know what you should get is like those fancy mics that all like the fucking LA podcasters have. They can't see my body loss because there's a giant, what do you call it? Like metal bar. Yeah, it's like those giant like arms, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. What about like a headgear? Yeah. And then we all wear our sunglasses in the studio and like we're wearing all of our apparel. showing off like the Rolex. I'll be honest. I was, I have to, I

delete Instagram today because I was watching Trevor Wallace on a podcast with a, he's, he's got him and that white guy who actually were black, Michael Bloomsteed or whatever. You're talking about?

There's a lot of white guys that think they're black. Bloomsstein? I think it's Blumsteen. But he's, does that Crowler, he's like, yo, you in the front row?

And he's like, yo, is this your man? Oh, yeah. Oh, he's a guy of colleges? Oh, I bet he's looking at pussy all day. Damn, that's actually fucking back. Yeah.

What if I'd fucking do that. I'd even share it to my story. Be like, this is how it's done. Comics, take notes. This is how it's fucking done. But I saw his podcast, like him interviewing Riley Reed. And I was just like, I should be interviewing Riley. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I literally was just like, this is bad for my brain. I'm like getting angry at the gym like, I bet you I could make that porn star laugh. I'm like, this whole thing is fucking. It's like, first off, the me wanting to be him interviewing. is like this weird relationship I want with a woman that's not even But in a way you love her Oh I do I feel like I know

Spent a lot of time with her Like you is true The porn stars you like you know like You know they're every curve This is true You imagine how they smell And I've always said this They always seem so nice

Because I see them suck so many dicks And like that's such a nice lady Because she's like fucking everybody Sometimes I get into a porn star so much I feel wrong jerking off to a different porn star It's not right I can't cheat on D. Williams. That's who I would love to interview.

Billy D. Williams, the fucking Melfth porn star. You never saw D. Williams? I don't think I know D. Williams. Oh, my God. Jamie, pull up D. Williams. It's just like a five-minute clip of hardcore pornography. All the people in Rogan's studio are just getting hard in their band. Mark Dorman's like, oh, who looks like a little.

Oh, hey. Talk time. Hey, hey. Gat me a dick in the ass. Rogan's not understanding porn. Yeah, everything just goes over his head. that's like the wild. Can you imagine like going to fucking

Texas and having to pander to that fucking retard for a little stooge time? I will say you. Joe Rogan, watch out dude. I can take, I know in my heart. You can fight him. I know in my heart. I would love to see that.

It'd be kind of sick. I can bring a gun or a knife. He can't do it. He has to use the jujitsu that he's but he also has a team of like if you go to the mothership, it's like a team of like ex-marine. Like the guy who killed Osama bin Laden is like

guarded a comedy club. Um, fucking, well, that guy, like, made up some, like, that one Marine guy he had on who, like, uh, Tim something or, I forget his name, but he was like, he got in trouble for basically making up a bunch of his stories. Oh, yeah. They all, they always, every single, every veteran is a liar. No. Most of the veterans I've talked to takes a lot of prodding to get them to actually talk about, like, the shit. I knew one guy who would just show me videos of him shooting rocket launchers at houses. And I was like, I didn't really want to see that.

Um, but, uh, Roll that footage. Yeah, yeah. The other one was, the one thing I will say about Rogan that was like, okay, like I get it.

Jokes go over his head, but I listen back to my podcast and I, it happens to me all the time too. Yeah, but not all the time. And it's also like, when he got somebody

like fucking Mark Norman done where every single thing he says is a joke. Well, yeah, every time he's gonna be like, he's just gonna like, I understand. Yeah, what's the point of having

comedians, like, top tier comedians of which there are only 250 actual comedians, according to Rogan. Comedicassants. Cillars. These are joke rapists. Dude, fucking... That's the title of your fucking special. Shane gets on stage and he just

rapes the audience with jokes. He just holds them down and just fucks the shit out of them. And, like, right when you think you're done, right when you think he just drained every single joke, bam, he's fucking hard with another bit and he's just drilling. That has to be the worst. You get raped and then their dick goes down. You're like, okay, I guess they're done. And then

they get hard again and you're like, fuck, dude. I'm never going to get to go home. How do you have this much stamina? I mean, I guess at one point it's a compliment. It's like, damn, I must be like so fucking such a babe. I must be such a cute little treat.

Dude, speaking of the weight loss thing is really funny. So I've been losing a crazy amount of I've been donating blood for money. So I'm not donating. I keep saying donating. I'm selling plasma. To count or luck.

To what? To count or luck. Yeah, that would be really fun. He's a vampire, Michael. Wait a second. Here's a question. Do vampires want blood or do they like plasma? Or platelets?

They want to suck your blood? He doesn't say, I want your plate. Right, but maybe... Fucking nerd. Yeah, you're dork. Maybe his mouth. anything. Okay, so how it actually works is actually I think is interesting. You guys can call me fucking gay,

but I think it's interesting. They withdraw your blood, and then they spin it really fast, and the speed of the... Oh, you're talking about actual I think you're still, I thought you were still talking about vampires. No, no, no, no, no. It's like, what the fuck? I thought you were going to, like, break down like how vampirism works. No, no,

with a serious. Instead, he's just giving us this Bill and I, the science guy's shit. Yeah. So it moves so fast, it separates the plasma from the blood. And the HIV. Yes, and the HIV. But then they take it. It's disgusting how much flas they take out. Literally it is a Nalgene bottle-sized

liquid that's been taken out of your body. And you're like, that doesn't seem like it should be living in my body. But then they give you $50 and you go, I have no money, so thank you. They test your blood to be like, okay, here's your fucking... Yeah, they test you first go in. And that's where I got caught up last time

because I went in and the woman weighed me and she goes, hmm. And I went, I've actually been losing a lot of weight. I was like, thank you. She goes, yeah, that's the problem. She goes, you've been losing so much weight that it's dangerous for you to donate blood. So we need to make sure you don't have any disease, like nothing's going wrong with you.

And additionally, if you keep this up, you can't donate plasma. Oh my goodness gracious. So I could donate a fuck ton of plasma. Yeah, no, right? Hell of yeah. Let's go ahead. So I'm not, I'm still going to put.

How much more weight are you trying to lose? It's less about pounds, more about like me trying to get this six. I made a bet with somebody I have had a six-pack, I don't have to pay for the Airbnb. So I'm going crazy. When is the bachelor party? The end of May. Have you ever had a six-back? No.

Okay. So you have about like two months, give or take, depending on when this episode drops. Yeah, but I've lost, I mean, I literally lost. To his friends, like, no, no, no, no, no. Episode hasn't dropped yet. I've lost eight pounds in a week and I'm only, yeah. That's a lot.

Well, a lot of that is like water weight, you know. No, no. Oh, really? The doctor told me they're like, it's actually just a draft. It's all pork chops. Yeah. My dick just shrinks. It's like a micro penis.

Yeah. It's a little fucking nubbing, dude. this is so unfair but I think I will be honest I think I probably got more like length on my penis I think I may have made it a little bit Well it looks because now like your gut goes down So decreasing

Oh I'm talking just if I was fucking Like in the mirror it looks the same But I think if I was fucking If it feel like three inches Yes Yes Look I'll give me three and a half I think it's something like I think

I think they were just trying to get people To want to lose weight But they were saying like for every like 10 pounds you lose You gain like a centimeter and dick length or something like that or it looks like a... So wait, these skinny guys of big dicks

actually have like four inches. Yeah. Like this... It's an illusion. Fucking, oh my dad died in 9-11. All these guys with big dicks are just in a living room. Yeah. Wow.

They just have short little thighs. Wait. So that big black guy from that meme must have the biggest penis because... He's a big guy. Yeah. Yeah, so if he lost that way,

it would be even longer. It would be ridiculous. It would actually... The doctors would be like, you actually need to stop losing weight. Yeah. You can't get a boner if you keep losing this much weight. Yeah.

Yeah. That makes you think. Are you nervous that you won't be able to get like the six pack? Not really because I know I can do it because I'm like a I'm an obsessive person. I love that you're manifesting a six pack. Yeah. Well, I'm also like working out two hours a day. Okay.

That's a lot though. Dude, I walked. What was it? In additional to two hour. I do an hour of weights and then an hour of cardio. and then I walked fucking eight or was it six miles after that?

That doesn't seem worth it to me. I'd rather just be fat. Totally, but it's for $650. I'd rather just spend the $650 and do what I wanted to do. I don't have any money. You're poor. Yeah, yeah.

Folks, you got to donate to the morning good Patreon. What's your Patreon? I don't, I'm going to make one. I don't like doing that either, dude. I feel like I'm a beggar. No, no, I said I want to make one. I don't.

You want to make one together? That would be cute. It would have it's just I was kissing. Okay. That's every episode. have sex on behind a table. It's like, I'll give you a workout. And we just deny it completely.

Like a family member is like, I subscribe to your Patreon. I'd be like, what are you talking about? I don't have a Patreon. Oh, is that? Yeah, we're like severed. Yeah. It's like severance or it's like every, every time I have gay sex, I'm actually a different person.

All that. Like, I'm about to have a gay second. Honey, it's okay. I don't remember any of it. I'll admit it. I am a little more uncomfortable with my sexuality than I thought I was. Why? I thought I was an open kind of book where I was like, whatever.

I'm like, I did a sketch last night where I had to lay in the bed with another man. Are you sure it was a sketch? I don't know. That's really how they get you. I'm always doing these sketches. Next thing you know, my shirts off. There's a tongue in my ass. Who else was in the sketch?

Herschel. I forgot his last name. Great looking guy. Yeah. And Tom Zapia. Another good looking guy. Uh-oh, dude. I think you're being groomed.

I think I am. Yeah, that's how, like, a lot of like these Me Too accusation. Like I thought we were filming a sketch, but then one thing happened and I never heard cut, so I didn't, I couldn't stop. Wait, have you heard this new argument that Harvey Weinstein's innocent? Like there's like new info coming out. I know in my heart, but yeah, go on.

That's known the whole time. Yeah. Yeah. Why are they saying that now? Is it because of Israel, Palestine? Yeah, yeah, it's all related. It's like he was set up by Hamas. Yeah.

Spreading misinformation about a good upstanding Jewish boy. nothing is funny than him showing up to trial with a walker that's like the funniest oh it's funny to see a man in pain and broke my heart dude for a little guy and then everyone's making fun of his penis as if we didn't have like problems as if the the fragility of the the male ego wasn't bad enough dude now people are making fun everyone's making fun of harvey weinstein baby we're making fun of trump's penis remember when he had that beautiful sex worker stormy daniel signed an n d a and then she went and tattled about his little penis. Yeah. There's nothing more terrifying than one of my beloved sex workers betraying my trust. Yeah, yeah.

I'd rather my therapist talk about my murder fantasies. Right. My beautiful sex workers betraying my tiny little penis, but only because I have a big gut. If I didn't, I'd have a massive dong as we've established.

What did she say about Trump's penis? Specifically, she said it was like weird colored. She said it looked like Toad from Super Mario Bros. Isn't that what a penis? Yeah, isn't that just a penis? Not if it's little, though. He's got to eat one of those. Mine looks like Bowser.

Spikes. Yeah, I also, like, don't. I actually, like, don't feel bad for it. So when there's, like, a video. There's a whole documentary she comes out. I saw, like, just clips the documentary, and she's like, and then people harassed me. I'm like, yeah, you accused the president of the United States or something.

Are you fucking retarded? More importantly, you broke a promise. That's true. Yeah. Which is, like, the most, like, that's like the meanest thing of the mom. He pinky sweared. He's like, hey, you promise not to tell people. I got my penis looks kind of like that.

You got a pinky promise. Yeah, yeah. No one can know. The soul of America hangs in the balance. I got, like, real defensive when, like, first off, Tom Arnold came out and he's like, I got this video of a Russian hooker peeing on Trump. And it never came out. He's like, I know it exists.

I'm going to find it. He made a whole vice thing. Never fucking found it. Additionally, as somebody's been peed on, I got, like, really defensive. Who cares? Yeah, I was like, this is not why we should be attacking him. It's like, we shouldn't be kinkshaming. Like, there's plenty of things you can rip on him for.

But having a tasty little sexual appetit. is not one of them. No. It's like, what is it? It's like, okay, so I have a small

penis and like getting pissed on suddenly I'm a bad guy. Yeah, I am. I don't think so. Yeah. Yeah. Dominican.

I don't think so, I don't think so, bit, bit. I would say, I love Papi. No, not being shamed. Look,

the man who is not eating a diarrhea sandwich from a hooker, you throw the first down. Have you ever eaten ass? Buddy, I only eat ass. Ooh,

naughty little boy, Yeah, I've looked the asshole of almost every single... Every single person. Cut and wait. Yeah, got to stop eating ass. It's like, Michael, you ain't pudding. It's like, oh, that ain't pudding, friend. That's USDA prime ass.

That's funny. You're such a kinky little guy. You should, you know what? When you get your abs, you should think about getting into pornography. Buddy, I've thought about it. You got to send in an audition. I actually talk to a family. I'll just, whatever, my brother.

He's like, I was like, dude, I was just talking with the phone. I was like, I was just love it. fuck it dude. And he's like, I was like, I fucking, he's like, you should just do porn. And I was like, I was like, how, is he an older brother or younger brother? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds like an older brother thing to say. I'm sure he was joking, but I was just like, my favorite, he was telling me that there's one porn star. That's also a little brother thing to be like all excited about something and enthusiastically telling your older brother about it.

Like, I watched this porn and it was really cool and the porn start took his dick out and it was really big dick. And then he had sex with a woman and she went, oh, it felt really good. And then something weird came out of my penis and that felt good too. Yeah. Well, it's like, if you love porn so much, why don't you marry it? Yeah. Shut up! Ha, ha, Michael likes porn. Shut up!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I just add to it in line of the grocery store, just yelling this at him. Yeah. But I got an average dick. I couldn't do porn. No, you could, dude. Of course. Porn is average dicks now. I guess they may be incorporated.

How big are you hard? Six on the dot. not bad at all, dude. That's above average. The average dick size is like five inches. 2.5, probably. Yeah. Yeah. The thing you told me it was really funny was there was this person that was talking about there was this guy

who's talking about this guy used to dig ditches. He was like, I think he was like, I might be making up something to the story, but. He was a ditch digger? He was a ditch digger. Ooh, digger, please. But I knew what you were doing. You know what it was? It was like when you see somebody about to jump and they

bend down a little bit. You go, he's a digger. And then I see your knees bending like you're going to jump. But just that was you bending the jump verbally. You're like, here we go. But yeah, apparently this guy, he just did gay porn for a year because somebody told him that's what he had to do to get into it. And he's like, apparently

you don't have to do it. No, I've heard that rumor too. That was the thing. That was the whole story of Peter Nolns. It's like how you got to do like bringer shows and stuff to get in like a club. And it's like I think I'd rather just bring five people I know to a club

than have sex with a man. But it is funny too when you like, I don't know, when you make a sex tape and you're like, you're like, I could have theory sell this, you know what I mean? It is kind of a weird feeling where you're like, I'm already recording it.

You know what I mean? You're like, I might as well, you know. But you know, then you, but if you do have, like, the catch-twint two is if you do gay porn, then you can't have sex with a beautiful porn star like August Ames because she famously refused to have sex with a man who had,

Can you show me what she looks like and I'm going to form opinions on this? Yeah, she's a fucking, it's actually, actually I can show you my background on my phone. This is August. Look up August Ames. Damn, it's going to like pop up in my history immediately. Anal gang, bang. Look at that. She's the one that died?

Yeah, she ended up killing yourself because she was cyber bullied. You can pull up a couple of my favorites. I think that should pop up. You know what would be funny is if you pull up videos, I'm sure you'll see the video that I normally watch. She does look Republican in the face. Well, like most fucking porn stars are surprisingly... It's really funny. I started getting upset at her, but then I also realized I've never fucked a man.

I started getting really like, oh yeah, you can't fuck a man. Oh, really? Michael, the night is still young. Yeah, I was like, I'm not... But that's so funny. I was like, hey, fuck her for that. And I was like, wait, that actually doesn't affect me. So, no, she was like, I'm not going to fucking do the scene with a guy.

he had gay sex. They haven't tested and, you know, I'm... Oh, they haven't? Oh, that's so different. But then, like, the fucking internet was like, fuck this bitch, she's a fucking homophobe, have sex with this fucking faggot, basically.

Right. You know? I love how you paused, but I knew what you were going to say. And then... Now, whose words? Are those... Their words or your words?

Or both. They're those... Don't shoot the messenger, dude. Yeah. I was just, I was downvoting it all on Reddit. I'm like, shame, shame. Don't... Don't let, don't fucking let.

Let the artist choose the canvas on which they work upon. That's always been my philosophy. She had sex with a black guy? I think that's way, in my opinion, that's way worse. And way kinkier. Now, let's break this down, Joe. Why do you feel that way?

Because he's black, dude. Yeah. It's like, it's beastiality, dude. Yeah, that's the official take of Joe Gorman on this. I love, I love that every time I have him on, I know this is coming. And I'm always trying to figure out how I'm going to... Are you going to pivot?

How are you going to save your sponsors from this one? Yeah. Do that is funny? The morning good podcast, brought to you by Bluchu. And pocket pussies. One day, man. Have you ever? No, no, no.

Used to pocket pussy? No, but then I'm still young, as we say. It's pretty cool, dude. I got one as like a gag gift in college, and it definitely got used. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. It's like, oh, oh, oh, really cool.

funny guy. Thanks buddy. They call it a gag gift because when you walk in my room and smell it, you're going to gag. No, don't worry, dude. You fucking put it in the dishwasher. It's good to go. You should hear, I've told us before, it's such a good story. So I needed toilet paper in college. My roommate got like a pocket pussy's like a gag gift.

And of course, you always end up using it. You always use it. Every sex gift you get, you will use it. Like, there's no way you're like a little fucking hammered. And you're like, I guess I'll fucking stick this. dildo deep into my asshole. Yeah, of course. Yeah, very funny. Yeah, next thing you know, you got a dildo.

Honey, it happened again. Yeah. Yeah. But on a more serious note, I went to get toilet paper out of his bathroom, and I looked and I saw our bottle of Italian craft dressing

with flakes in it, and then a drizzle dripping towards the pocket pussy. So he had been using Italian dressing to fuck the pocket purse. Mama Mia! And he just, left it out like that. So it was like literally

a dot of evidence, like dots leading to the pocketbook. Was this, was this Patty Defino? No, I wish, man. I wish, you know what? Because I always wish Patty the best and I think that's something he would enjoy. Yeah. But I, I'm, dude, Patty's out in Florida. He's crushing it. He's making $134 a month on Patreon.

Really? That's awesome. Good for him, dude. We got to get a Patreon going. He's back doing stand-up. I just just haven't get sex, man. Damn, dude. Like, he was like, so, well, I'm glad he's doing stand-up because he was so funny. And it's always, it's always, like, a bummer when like real funny people quit stand up and then like

you go to a show and you're like, why can't this person quit instead? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. That's how I felt watching those guys interview my queen, Riley Reid. If you could interview one porn story would be Riley Reed. No, if I could like go on a date with one

probably. I'm all Bonnie Blue dude. I think Bonnie Blue rules. I think she's fun. I think she's cool. I think what she's doing is important for humanity. I think she's a pro-Palestine porn star. Is she really? No. But like every time she gets fucked, she says death to Israel. Death to Israel. I'm a British porn star. Oh, British porn star. Well, it was fucking retarded.

Blimey. She was like 24 and she was like fucking like 18 year olds. Everybody's like she's fucking barely legal man. I'm like, that's literally like barely an age gap. Like you're really mad at a 24 year old for fucking 18 year old. I don't know. But it's like, men do it all the time Yeah It's like yeah People can't like comprehend the idea of like

Oh an older woman getting the younger man It doesn't seem right to them Yeah but it's fucking awesome It's so fucking cool dude When I was 19 I fucked a 49 year old Transwoman by accident Okay well that's gay All right now you took it too far

Did you really? She's been a woman longer than the woman I fucked Have been women so Not in the eyes of God Not in the eyes of Donald Trump either He said there are only two genders Not in the eyes of all the same Yeah she's she's

She's the one with the pussy. Was it a pussy? It was a pussy, dude. I've told the story this too many time. I've never, well, I've never, this is, this is news to me. You had sex with a trans woman? Yes, I did. That was cool.

At 19. At 19, yeah. So you didn't even really know what trans was at the time. No, nobody did. It's 2015, dude. It was like, Caitlin Jenner, that was it. Damn. And I was like, fucking, like, yeah, there's no way this is a trans woman because those barely exist.

All of a sudden, you're like, this trans woman has a woman has a very large penis. Yes. That's fully engorged. Yes. That's cool. So she got the bottom surgery. Yeah, that's part of the joke. I got a whole bit about it.

I big spending a little bit on this thing. I got a three minute bit, which will be released soon. I've been trying to edit it, but it's annoying when you try to take a three minute bit. And I'm like, I worked on this for like seven years. And then I'm like, I got to put this into one minute to put it on TikTok. Did you tell the woman like, hey, I'm making, I'm including you as a punchline to a bit. She literally said she's like, you can bring me up on stage if you want to make jokes about it. But I was like, hindsight biased.

Everybody's going to be like, how did you not know? Oh, that woman's like fucking 60 now. Yeah, she was 49 about, yeah, holy shit. She might be dead. Their life expectancy is pretty, whoa, blah, blah, blah, blah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah.

One time I saw her, the one part I haven't talked about before. I saw her at the DMV one time. Me, her and I made eye contact. while I was with my ex-girlfriend who was the current girlfriend at the time and I was just like, we both had a like, we're not talking about this.

Why not? Are you, we ashamed? Well, this is when I was sort of piecing together that she was trans. Yeah. She's at the DMV and just the DMV workers

just staring at her over their glasses like, you really want me to put it. You're female? You're going to be female? Six two. Mm-hmm. Female?

With damn shoulders? Nice, dude. Hey, what's that thing going on? Like, Candice Owens is saying that, like, the prime minister of some country is really trans. I love Candace Owen. She does get fun. No dinosaurs. Jews aren't real, apparently.

There's, like, a hot minute where it looked like Candice Owens was going to get together with Kanye West. Oh. Oh, that big. Now, Kanye West has gone, like, full nutter. Yeah, I watched that interview. It was very funny. That was wild, like, dressing up as, like, a KKK.

He's such a fucking bitch, though, because he wasn't, like, wearing that for fun. He goes like, oh, let me go get my costume and put it on. You know what I mean? It's like one of those. He's like, no, don't start right. Stop. Not until I put my costume on. And then he went and put the costume on. And then you forget what you're watching. Because he also like barely mentions it. Like,

he does not really fully address the clan outfit. And then randomly you're just watching and be like, and then Playboy Cardi didn't put me on the album. And that's why we're not friends anymore. And I'm like, I don't care about that. Can you explain to me what's going on with the clan? Oh, damn, yeah. Hip-op beef. And the other guy is so

awkward, like academics or whatever. He's just like, mm-hmm, okay, right, right? And I'm like, dude, don't just be a... I got to add, why is it your ghost costume black? What's up? Why is his ghost costume black? Because it's specifically spookier, kind of. Wait, I didn't mean to say it that way.

I did not mean to say it that way. I mean, it's scarier. Oh. Yeah. If I, I wouldn't mind the red KKK robes. Those look pretty cool. I think it's, like, called, like, a grand dragon. Why do they have such cool titles? of it looks cool, dude. The swastika looks cool

with the diamonds in it. I call it the swagsticker. Yeah, how come I'm like... Why is it called your headliner? It should be called your Grand Dragon for the evening. Yeah, no matter what you think Grand Dragon or Grand Wizard is the coolest fucking... Oh my God. Oh, you got to hit up this guy. He's the Grand Wizard at

this comedy club. He'll put you up, dude. Just send him a good tape. Yeah. That's what they should. Bookers are now the Grand Wizards. I will say this. The points don't look cool, though. The costumes look cool. Like just the mask, but the point doesn't look cool. The point looks like a Dunds cap. Yeah. Dworky dude.

Oh, but if they did like Batman ones. Oh. Like a Batman. Yeah, I couldn't light that cross fast enough. I'll do it. A fiery cross also looks cool. Yeah. When that cross lights up in the sky,

he sends a message. It means watch out black people. There's someone watching and defending the white people. I'm not the clan member you need. I'm the one you deserve right now. It's the dark night Don't say that.

Yeah. Oh, no. No. I'm a good guy. Something dark here. I'm a clad guy. I'm just running through some Batman quotes in my head. I'm trying to,

trying to add to this. You can do it, Michael. Look at this fucking, too busy fucking nerding out to porn instead of comic books. This is tough. I'm a diehard Batman man. I'm a diehard Batman man.

No, no, right. It doesn't feel like it right. I don't know, we did say all the good quotes. We were, oh, I was this. When we were filming that sketch, there was a thing where, like, I get up out of bed because, like, the whole thing is, like, you know, Dan walks in on his friends in bed together. And I thought it would be really funny if I, you only see one side of my face for a second. But then, like, Two-Face, I turn my head around, but there's just a condom stuck to the side of my face.

That is very funny. I love the idea of that of Two-Face being like, he's like, I'm sorry, Harvey. I'm sorry we couldn't save her. And he's like, look at me now. He's just got a connoble of calm stock his face. Heads, you live, tales, I fuck you in the ass. Now we're talking. Damn, dude, should we just watch The Dark Night?

I've watched it so many times. It's such a banger of a film. It's so good, dude. That was one of the first DVDs I watched in, like, 4K DVD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember being like, like, this is like almost too much. I remember watching this is like too much to see in like

I don't think I was meant to comprehend this level of detail like it was that scene where they were having like the funeral for the guy and like it was when Joker was like dressed up for the 21 gun salute I remember watching that in 4K and like this is like too much detail right now. It's like almost like sensory overload

but a good kind. No yeah I remember seeing in theaters and it was one of those people people walked out of they're like because you don't know when you see a movie like that you're like you don't comprehend you're like that felt really good. You don't really like, you're not like that was an Academy Award winning movie, even though it was.

But you're like, that was, like, I remember me and my mom walked out of it. I was pretty young and I was like, that was, I'm almost like, that was really good. Yeah,

everybody's like, was really fucking good. Was that a Batman movie we just watched? Like, that was insane. It was so much more than the bat. Like, even like the opening scene was great,

like the bank high scene. Oh, it's like it was so fucking cool. And then showed you the Joker at the very, very end. Yeah. That was awesome. Now,

Is it as good as Jason Statham's Working Man? Which I just saw, no. Not even close. Not even, doesn't even touch on working man. Yeah. But sitting in for trailers, I never felt suicidal until there was a, the deepest depression I felt in a very long time. I was watching trailers while leading up to the Jason Statham movie. The first one was like this new Marvel movie called The Thunderbolts.

And they're like, we're not the Avengers, but we're the best thing they got right now. I'm like, they've made this movie 500 times. This is Suicide Squad. This is fucking like the peacemaker show. This is fucking, what is the other one? The fucking Marvel one they just did. This Deadpool and Wolverine. Yeah, it's like, oh, we're like the outcast.

But like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Marvel movies have sucked post endgame. Oh, totally. Yeah, yeah. It's like, it's like, you're really beating a dead horse. Like, nobody gives a fuck. I didn't even see like the latest Captain America. Oh, Kevin Feet is just shitting diarrhea on to everyone's mouth.

Oh, it sucks right now. And it's like, and then I was thinking, like, damn, maybe it's just like now I'm older and like it doesn't hit the same. But then I rewatch the Avengers and I'm like oh, this is a fucking awesome movie. Like it was fun and like the way they built up. I never got that into it but it is way better than what it

is now. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I was never like a die-off. Like I never went to any of the midnight premieres or anything. I'd at least like see them in the theaters when they came out. Now it's like I don't give a fuck. Like I watched Shang-chi like the first one with like the Chinese guy and going peepee in their coax.

Yes. It was a huge plot point in the film. I was like, when are they going to go peepee in the Coke? I'm waiting, dude. I thought this was like an accurate representation of Chinese culture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And yet at no point, was there any peepee in the Coke? Like, come on, man.

Can you complain? I guess he wasn't, I guess he was more serious. Is this guy got to play a joke or what? Yeah, it's like, no, I'm serious China man. Like, I fucking nuggle peepie and coke. Is that a thing you can, can you complain to the people at the movie theater about the movie? I've always wanted to do that. Be like, I didn't.

I think that's like a thing that went, went away with the boomers. It's like, boomers would always like, I didn't enjoy that film. I'd like a refund. It's like, well, why'd you fucking ask for it like after the credits rolled? Dude, have you ever heard the best of the Nick Mullen prank calls? Oh, my God. Have you listened to any of these?

As somebody who worked in customer support, like, they gave me so much anxiety because you do have calls where it's just like a person. And it's almost like, are you fucking with me how incompetent you are. Yeah. It's like at this point, it's like computers are not new technology. Yeah, yeah. People should know how to navigate a computer. Have you heard them, though?

Yes. Dude, he has one where he goes to, he calls, what is it, Outback Steakhouse and asks if he can bring in his own onions to make the blooming onions. And then they're like, no, you can't do that. He's like, what if I go to like a different Outback Steakhouse and bring them? My favorite one is he calls an AMC and he's complaining. His whole character is like an old guy. And he's complaining that the seats uncreased his pants.

And it just goes on for so long. He's like, I was humiliated in front of my wife. He's like, you don't understand the pain. out that like a full refund or at least a pair of 3D glasses. And the guy's just like, he's like, what kind of patch are you wear? But it's just the longest, it's a really slow Berman. Oh, it's like, it's like, no, they're like 40

minutes. Yeah. And it's like, you just have to be and it's like, this is unreal. And it sounds like real, like those are real people. The Macbuffin ones my favorite. He calls a McDonald's and has a lady on the phone, explain to him how to make his own McMuffins at his house.

And it's so long. He's just asking like such, she's like reading out the specific ingredients and then he's yeah yeah they had one where it was like he was trying to like get reimbursed he had like um he had like 35 cents on like a fast pass or something he was like I'd like to get reimbursed for this and make sure I certainly wouldn't want to make sure no one doesn't have it and they were like it's not going to expire like just leave it alone like all right and like he was getting like the blackest of black customer support reps and like so I cannot help you you know I love that where like there's like wait we

was that one. I don't know. So I can't help you. I say, I'll say it. I'll say it now. What you have here? It's a superfluous amount of change on your fast pass.

It's a freed black man in the 1800s. Doesn't get much better than that, baby. That had to be such a wild feeling being a freed black guy. See slaves are like, I'm sorry. Yeah. I can't do anything.

What about? I think, I think first. I know it sucks. I'm sorry. But they let me go. First generation. I'm sorry. First generation of emancipated slave

has to be crazy. Like your parents were slaves, but you're like born after emancipation. Yeah. And so like your parents are always like, well, you don't know how I was your age. I was getting fucking whipped. I'll give you a whooping.

School. I like, I like that. really makes you think, dude. Yeah, I don't know why I pictured Steve Harvey as the slave who's talking to his kids. How are you gonna not be a slave? Slave is all I know. Yeah, was that a thing too?

So, like, you got released, and then it was one of those things where, like, then, but most of them, like, retained similar things, right? Now they're just like, all right, well, do you want to pay me, like, a dollar? for a week's worth now. Like, I think a lot of them, like, just went back to farming. Because it's not like they got freed now.

They're like, oh, I think I'm going to go be an actor on Broadway. Actually, I think a lot of them enrolled in community college. Yeah, that's my everest university. Yeah, there they go. It's like, I got to get my life together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, all right, we're either going to give you 40 acres in a mule or one year at community college.

Yeah, yeah. And it's like, hey, man, if they offered me a million dollars or a book on how to make a million dollars, I take the book. Take the book. Knowledge is power, bro. Yeah, that's what I always say. And then, like, it's like, why don't you take the million dollars and just buy that book? Yeah.

I love the, uh, this Everest community versus, remember those commercials? They were like, what are you doing on your couch right now? Get out. I did it. I, you know, I have a kid early. Dude, that's like those fucking ads in porno. What are you doing? Watching porn?

You should be fucking a woman. Yeah. That's all they, they do. All they ever do is just try to feed into your FOMO. What are you doing? Not getting education? Get an education. What are you doing?

Not fucking a woman? Fuck a woman. It's like, damn, I should be doing this stuff. Yeah, yeah. You do watch, I do watch porn and I'm like, I wish I was there. No, you, oh, really? That is that everybody does.

Oh, I didn't know this was a confessional podcast. That is a valid point. But, yeah, we saw a movie in 40X, and I'm done with doing that. I don't know why I thought of it. You think it's going to be fun? Is it fun? I just don't go to theaters anymore. Oh, I love going to theaters.

You're a pot smoker. You don't like going going to high and go to the movies? I don't mind. But like something else does off when that happens. So like I'd rather just smoke weed at my house, eat the food I want to watch,

pause the movie if I need to go to the bathroom or you know, do something. Like, it's not that I don't, but like I'll fall asleep in a theater, man. I'll easily fall asleep in the theater. I love one of my best memories. I think it was like Easter. Like I had so much food with my family

or something like that. And then I sat and watched like one of the Hobbit movies in theaters and then just took the best nap in my life. even though that like recliner chair and I'm like just that's stuffed stomach and just like, oh, that's cool, it's still going on. Like I like that feeling.

I don't know. I weirdly, I like, I like Easter. Do you guys do Easter? I like the Easter egg hunt. Yeah, it's fucking out of the way you fucking little gay ass kid dude. Yeah. I'm going to fucking put this little plastic egg

in my basket filled with green ass fucking little plastic grass. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah, I wonder. Easter bunnies, Cadbury eggs? Yeah, I know my parents know that I'm like doing bad financially. So maybe if I go home, they will put actual money in it.

I feel like they would. Just ask your parents for money, dude. You're a white kid. They'll give it to you. They're done. They're done. Dude, white parents love giving money to their kids, dude. We had a whole car.

We did this one time my dad wrote me one check. Here you go, sport. Because my credit card was paid off. He's like, don't ask. I'm very proud of you for fucking paying off your credit card. Yeah. That's awesome. No, no, no.

It was to pay off my credit card. Oh. But he's like, do not ask for any more money. He goes, if shit really hits the fan, there's a thousand left if you, like, are really, really, really desperate, but please don't ask me for money again. Damn, dude, that sucks. Yeah. And then I asked my mom for marriage. Nice, dude.

Classic. Dude, parents should, like, honestly, like, parents should be financially responsible for their children until death. Like, fucking, come on, dude. We're your legacy. We're your fucking legacy. Just in case, like, I feel like I would take more chances if I knew. like my parents would like back me up financial. I know they won't.

They could, but they won't. Well, my thing is this is like... You mean fucking money, mom and dad? Like, fuck, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it? I gotta do this for... I hate working, dude.

I've always said this. I should just tell my dad I'm about to do gay porn. And then he'll just start for, you know... Jesus Christ. Okay, here's money. Here's money. Don't do it.

But I think it's more like, like, like, my thing is like, I, I like, my mom has lent me money and then I'm like, okay, I'll pay you back, and then she just won't accept it back. So I don't even want to...

Yeah, you're not supposed... My dad... So I don't even like borrowing money because I'm like, you're just not gonna let me pay it back. So... Yeah, just like... I mean, like, just be like,

okay. Like, if that were the case, like, I owe my dad like $10,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, come on, don't make me fucking pay you back. Yeah. I could, I don't want...

My favorite thing my buddy did. When my buddy's in high school, he would, uh, he would take, what do you call him, like, um... In his notes, he would, he'd buy beer, like, all that stuff. and then in his nose he'd rack it up. And then he came back to people like five years later

and was like, so you paid for that cake that one time or you didn't pay for that cake. So you owe me $400. And everybody was just like, no, that was when I was 16. They're like, I'm not paying you. And he went to one of my friends like dad's office. It was like, your son owes me $400 with a beer from high school. And he's like, no, we're not going to pay you.

Like he thought he was being smart by like tapping it all up. But it's like, this beer is, no, just nobody paid him. That's awesome. That's very fucking cool. But he thought he was like really pulling a fast one on everybody. He's like, wait till I come back with the check. And it's like, what are you going to do? Just not be friends with your whole friend group.

It's like, no. Yeah. I get new friends, dude, with deep pockets. Yeah. Dude, my friends are fucking loaded. Nice, dude. That must be nice to have rich friends, dude. Dude, they'll throw me some bones here and there.

It's pretty nice. Must be nice, dude. I don't have, I didn't mean fucking drug addict friends. Yeah, well, I did. And then they died. So the rest of them are rich. Yeah. Damn.

did I wish I would. I guess I'm the rich friend in my circle then. Yeah, yeah. Proxy. But everyone else is fucking poor. Just like the fact that I can pay rent, it means I'm like, you know. Jeez. Did you see that? There was like some fucking article going around where it's like, if you can reach into your

fucking pocket and pull out $10 and still have money left over in your bank account, you're better off than 90% of America. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, I don't know. I don't believe that. I don't believe that. I think that's just like little things to make our generation less suicidal thinking about. Wait, quick question.

Could this work as a cloud now? Yes, it would. I have a job interview tomorrow. I'm dead serious about this. Yeah. I applied for a weekend job as a birthday clown. Hi, everyone. I'm Michael.

What are you? And you're like, I'm going to make a balloon animal. And it's just if you blow a fucking balloon and make it a dick with balls. I mean, that sounds like the job. My dick's bigger. Do you know how to make balloon animals? I was looking it up today. It's very funny that I'm like stressed about this job interview as a clown.

And my email, I had multiple typos. And I said it and I said it. And I was like, fuck. And I was like, wait a second. They're like, so funny. Yeah, I was like, that is clown-like behavior. Maybe they're like, we see potential. Nice.

What kind of clown would you be? So apparently this is how it works. It's a birthday clown. I look at the website, by the way. They also have superheroes. So I'm like, if I play my cards, right? I can dress up as Batman and think I'm Batman. Maybe you can be Batman and Joker.

And get the best of both worlds. Yeah, that is a funny. You know how I got these scars? Beating the shit out of yourself. That is like a character, right? they've, like, done that in the comic. Yeah, the Batman Who Laughs. Yeah, yeah.

Dark, uh, dark metal series. Yeah, yeah. But, um, does he make a lantern? It's like Robin's head or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I know. You know your comics.

I know, I'm pretending. I'm like, what is this fucking, gay loser stuff that I don't even know about it? Fucking nerds. Yeah, yeah. No, I read, I read deep into the Batman. Oh, mercy. Yeah, yeah.

I call it the Batman. Yeah. Yeah. The, uh, fucking the Superman maybe, though, apparently. It's like, clowns. Well, stick with clowns. Finish your thought, and then we'll go back to Superman.

Yeah, it was very funny because I was in the phone with them, the company. And they're like, I was like, so what is the job? They're like, well, you're doing magic for kids. And then you're making balloon animals. It's you and a female clown. Immediately I was like, yeah. Yeah. Maybe I should apply too.

I'm going to fucking throw a cream pie on your face on. I just immediately picture me getting clown pussy in the back of a van. Oh, hell yeah, dude. clown bitches are freaks. I know, yeah. Like, I'm gonna come. It's a flower. Bs.

Bang. My dick has the bang flag come out of it, yeah. No, I think, yeah, in my mind, I don't know why I also feel like I have to smart start smoking cigarettes now that I'm like a kid's birthday clown.

Like, I'm like... Yeah, you got to look stressed after the show. Yeah, but I'm really going out to buy a wig after this for the interview. Do you know how to... Do you know how to do magic? No, but I'll learn these things. Do you have on-job training?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an internship and then... Oh, my. Are you going to apprentice for like an older clown? Yeah, yeah. Mike Kramer. I love the idea of me asking to be Batman and them getting really offended.

Like, you think you just walk in here and be Spider-Man or Batman? Are you fucking serious? Like, it takes years. I bet if like, well, like, I would be like a lesson. I'd be Professor Xavier so I could just chill in a wheelchair. Oh, dude, that's such a sick guy.

And I'm like, ah! I'd just shave your head. dude, that would be awesome. I remember we had a Batman in my birthday party and I think my brother and his friends tried to fight him and they were like throwing like ropes on him and stuff like that. But I remember I was like

wait a second. I was like, where's the Batmobile? He's like, oh, Alfred actually just dropped me off and drove away. The Batmobiles in the shop and I've been like, makes fucking sense. I was like, this guy's got the answers. He had such an authentic, like it was one of those where he had like such an authentic costume. I'm like, yeah, there's no way you can just get this.

like he's got this got to be the real guy that's awesome which costume was it was it was a Michael Keaton one because it was before the Christian Bay one came out that was a good one that's a good yeah it was great I remember and one thing my my grandpa and uncle would always do that doesn't I bet you that's sentences

ended way worse than it's about to now but one thing my grandpa my uncle used to do is they would I thought that was going to be funny I thought we were all going to laugh I mean it sounds like you were just going to tell a Batman story here yeah okay

Never mind. I thought we were the edgy podcast with three wet cats. My grandpa, my uncle used to finger me. Yeah, okay, I'll grow up a little bit. So anyways,

thank you. When I was at my most vulnerable, my uncle and my grandpa, what they would do. No, they would tell me, I wake up in the morning, they'd be like,

you just missed it. Batman and ET were just here. And I'd get so fucking pissed. I'd be like, he's like, I tried to wake you up. I'm like, did you try hard?

He was like, yeah, Batman and E. He was just hanging out. I was like, Fuck! I was so mad. Dude, I'm like, they're not even same universe. How did they get together?

Must be some incursion in the multiverse or something. That's odd. Lying to little children is very fun. Yeah, I am. Yeah, I, uh, yeah, I'm trying to, I don't know, I've been like, my brother's about to be a dad, so I'm like, molester uncle. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There comes trouble.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Uncle Michael, tickle, tickle. Hey. Uncle Michael's a clown. Hey No But yeah

No Mentally it's made me think about me being a parent And I always just like picture myself As like You have this vision of you being like Now I do parenting a little differently Yeah And then I like just give them sage advice

That I'm probably not gonna have the patient Oh my God No I'm probably gonna lie of them like everybody else I'm gonna if I was a parent I'd probably be one of those Like how did I get like clearly hates his kids, didn't want, like, this wasn't how my life was supposed to be. You know, I just look in the mirror, like, what happened?

Where did, where did all the years go? Is it, am I a bad man for hating my children? That kind of shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck that, dude. I don't want to bring a child into this world. I'll clone myself. Ooh.

Like Django Fet. That's the way to do it. Oh, okay. So a young, a young clone. Yeah, little ass Joe Gorman, like, it's like, damn, like, I'll make them, I'll raise them right. I'll find out once and for all if I was molester or not because, like, I won't molest this one. and if he grows up and he's different than me, I'm like, fuck, I was...

That's what it was. Yeah, I'm like, fuck, I must have been molested or something. This guy's nothing like me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? I just picture you, but like a, what do you call it? A comb over and glasses and like a nice, a nice collar shirt.

He's like, oh, hey. Hello, I'm Joseph. Yeah. Hey, everyone. Fuck, I was molested. Ah, great. Just what I needed. Yeah, yeah.

The, um, yeah, I don't know. I, I, I, I, every time I see something. somebody with kids, I don't envy it. Like, there was one moment where I saw my cousin with his daughter, and I was like, ooh, that would be nice. But I'm like, it's not like I'm never going to, we're guys. We can have kids whenever. Yeah, dude.

I mean, look at fucking Al Pacino and Robert De Niro having kids in their 80s. Together. Yeah. And they're never going to, they're never, they won't even see these kids hit fucking adolescence. No. Yeah, they're going to be dead next week. Honestly, I mean, they look, they look like, like a gust of wind could blow them over.

Yeah, yeah. It sucks getting old. Also, it's really. funny, Robert De Niro used to talk about Trump a bunch. Now he just, like, gave up on that idea. Yeah, he used to talk to you, like, hey, Trump's a fucking, and he's like, fuck Donald Trump. At one, at an award ceremony, he was like,

fuck Donald Trump. And then people were like, oh, no, no, no. It's like, they were like, people were saying, like, yeah, Trump out gangster, dude, De Niro. It's like, I think he's just like, the president could kill him if he wanted to. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's also funny, too. He's a fucking actor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love gangster. He's a nerd that went to theater school.

I love the idea, too. My favorite thing people always say is they're like, you know, that guy deserves. He needs to get hit in the face one time good. I've been punched in the face so many times, and I'm still retarded. That has not wise me up. I talk so much shit and act like a complete jackass.

I've been punched on the face multiple times. I'm so dumb, I said punched on the face. It's like everybody's like, everything's you get punched the face to go, wow, looks like I shouldn't do that anymore. I do the same things I've always done before I got punched me. One guy tried to punch me in the face, but I use my lightning quick reflexes

and grabbed his fucking hand, and I crushed it. Damn. Fucking crazy, right? You should be Batman. I should be. I even thought about it. But I don't want to.

I want to watch hardcore pornography. I want to watch videos of August James killing herself. That's what I need right now. Gotham can wait. I need to bust a nut. That's got to be a thing for him because, I mean, I've been late to so much shit because of jacking off. That's got to be a thing.

He's rub it off and then it's like, you got to get down to City Hall. Somebody's getting murdered. He's like, yeah, well, one second. I'm almost done. And then you fucking come on your shirt. He's like, I gotta get another one.

And you go to like, you know how Batman has like multiple suits. He has to find one that doesn't have a gist stain on it. He's like, oh no. Alfred, I need you. The cape's just got a little bit.

This will have to do. He gets like a little clorox. Come on. Come on. Insecurities. Everyone can tell. Don't, don't look at me. Dude,

One of my favorite pictures. There's a picture of a guy. It's like in Jopoli line. Oh, yeah. It's like a cum state on the back shirt. It's like a crusty, like the shirt is cinched together. It's like a crease that's holding. There's so much jizz of this guy's shirt.

It's like, it's like a lip. It's like a little. The guy just threw a shirt on. It's so much jizz that it's stuck to get. He's like, I got to get to Chipotle. Yeah. Dude, I'm fucking hungry. I got to get my...

I can't even think until I got my Burrito Bowl, dude. I can't blame them. I can't blame them. I just... I just fall in. I love it.

That's awesome. Like, if you pull it, you can probably pull it apart. But, like, then it's like... Delcrow sounds. Delcrowy noise. It's like, oh, Lord. Yeah, that one time I jumped

to the pool and I looked at the shirt I was wearing and I was like, oh, there's shit on this. Yeah. Whatever. You're in a pool. Yeah, yeah. You wear shirts in the pool?

No, no. Yeah, I take care of my body so much now. I love like two days to my diet. I looked over my roommate and I'm like, oh, I remember when I used to eat stuff like that. You just eat like chicken breast and fucking green. I'm hating it now. I've got it to the pole where I hate it now. So I'm going to have to probably mix in some fish, still like that, because I'm not enjoying the, yeah.

You're doing like meal prep? Yeah, I'm cooking a bunch of food all at once and then trying to eat it before it all goes bad. You should try a factor. and get food delivered to your door. That's one of those companies that has like... It's like a little pre-made meal you throw it in the microwave. I might be one of the worst cooks imaginable. Everything I eat tastes like complete shit.

Well, I've seen what you eat and I was not impressed. Yeah, yeah, it's never good. You're like, I got to make that like, you're like, I'm going to have some buffalo chicken. I'm like, oh, that actually sounds pretty good. And you just had like a regular ass fucking chicken breast that you microwave and then just like dump buffalo. Yeah. Like, dude, come on. You got to live.

You're in New York, man. Fucking culinary capital of America. No, and that is why it's the hardest place to fucking inhale because I walk by you, she fucking pizza everywhere, you're like, oh. Pizza, halal, fucking all kinds of good food. I've never craved food the way I have, like, it's insane.

I'm not, it's not that I'm that hungry, but it's like, I just want to eat something else. But like, yeah, you're not, well, like, but you've been doing this for like, what, like a month now? No, no, no, no. I'm like, two weeks and two days. I was already starting to, like, eat a little healthy before. This was just like an interesting thing.

But now you're, like, kicked it up. Yeah, yeah. It's tough, man. Yeah. It takes a while for, like your body to like acclimate. Yeah, but now my YouTube is hilarious. It's all just shirtless jacked guys

that are like, I have that. Rogan's actually full of shit. Sugar's good for you. No, I get all of that false infer. Like every guy is like eating food off of a cutting board. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, this is what you're supposed to eat every day. And it's like a fucking $45 ribby steak,

an avocado, a half a dozen eggs, and then everything like slathered with like fucking honey. Yeah. He's like, this is actually how you're supposed to eat. It fills you up. You eat this. once a day and you're fucking good.

I'm like, no. Like, come on, Dave. It's like, I'm not going to eat that. I'm going to live a little bit. I'm going to make some rice. And listen to some Andrew Tate video because that guy's in shape. I don't care about Andrew Tate. He grooms children.

He does that now? Yeah, just rape a woman like in a fucking man, dude. Don't rape children. That is the official prison take. It's okay. It's like, how are you going to rape a child, dude? Rape a woman. Like a man.

That is always funny me that you go to prison. They're like, hey, you, like, we're going to kill. a child molester, but this guy like, butt fucked a lady in an alley. Yeah. He's, I don't know. This guy killed like 15 black men, but this guy like was texting

a fucking 15 year old. So we're gonna fucking take it out on him. But I will say this also, I'm basing this all off of just movies and cartoons I've seen. I have very no real knowledge of prison. If I knew I was going to prison, I'd just kill myself. I would not really go into prison. Absolutely. I could use some sick

around there. How long, like, if it was like for a year, you'd kill yourself? I guess it depends. Like a maximum security prison. But if I had like that Wolf of Wall Street, like that Wolf of Wall Street went to the same prison that Tommy Chong was in. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't mind like a minimum security prison.

Or like a prison in Sweden where they have like internet and shit. Yeah, that's so funny. Like I got to be able to play Fortnite. Yeah. And if I can do that, I'm fine, you know. I'll all serve. I got to have. Your Honor, I got to play Fortnite.

Your Honor, I have over 6,000 V bucks. I can't just let that go to waste. I am Facebook friends of this guy who's always taking live streams from prison. He went to my high school. I don't really know him that well, but I think I was going to happen. Is he in prison? Yeah, he's in prison. What do you do? I don't know, but I'm going to have him call in.

I think I'm going to have him call in. He's going to use his one fucking phone call. Hey, man, can please give me some money? Shut up. Okay, tits or ass? Which one are you more of a fan of? Shit, man, I guess ass since that's the only thing I can fuck in here. Have you seen a picture that, like, he's this, like,

black dude with, like, a really soft voice. He's always talking about prison sex. I guess in you want to have a video. She's like, If you fall in prison, it's a bad sign. And then it's always, he just loves talking about booty hole. He's always like,

I saw a man band over the other day. Ooh, it's so hard not to get honing. After having so much sex in prison. His voice is very funny. And like, you know, you also see like, oh, this is like a prison meal.

And like you can go to like the commissary. You can get like Vienna sausage. Yeah. And like a craft macaroni and shit. Oh, that's what he started talking about. He's like, yeah, what they do is you build up and come. And you get a big bucket of, Come, people cook with the cum, so you know, you can be careful eating in prison because you

go me eat gum. Cooking with cum. That sounds like a YouTube video, like a YouTube channel. Cooking with Com. Hi, my name is Sabrina. This is Cooking with Com. Hi, my name's Cum. Yeah, we're just going to have a little bit of black eye jizz to top it up.

You don't want too much. It's a very overwhelming texture. Folks, you can always add more. You can't add less. Yeah. But I pictured, it's really funny, because I pictured going to prison. I was thinking about it at some point recently

and I was like I would if I go into prison and then I thought of like a cool comedian prison arc and I'm like oh I'll just be like one of those Joey Diaz guys where I'm like yeah I had to survive in there

I had jokes from my only defense in a prison like that and now I got a whole Tim Allen yeah he went to prison he's a rad ass bitch dude no he's a little bitch dude

well he radded yeah he snitched yeah he snitched to get a reduced sentence yeah I just swallowed a cyanide pill yeah I am yeah it's so funny we were joking about that because

you know how Alex Jones he got in he got a what's it called like when he was going to the Sandy Hook trial he couldn't remember his kids names and his excuse he's like I ate a big bowl of chili today I can't remember anything but how are you going to fucking get this guy in trouble he's adorable

he's so adorable it's like come on he just like okay so he said Sandy Hook was a fucking false flag but who can't We all had a good laugh. Yeah, yeah, we did. Yeah. We were joking, though, about, like, a, like, assassin. You know how, like, when they get found or, like, a, like, a spy that eats the

side of the pill. Just them with a bullet, they're getting, like, where, who do you work for? He's like, no, no, don't eat the chili. Don't eat the chili. Don't eat the chili. Stop him. Stop him. I don't know.

I don't remember. A little spoon away from it. Yeah. He's just trying to eat a bowl of chili so he forgets everything. Or is they, like, Alex Jones, like, on the stand. Like, just with the coach, just eating chili. Everybody's about to get questions. that's like the funniest thing

of the world to be I love it he's cute dude let's all be nice I know I'm maddie he lost weight though he lost weight he's doing the Rogan thing

I see your inspiration he moved to Austin lifting kettlebells he's always been in Austin I'm moving to Austin yeah yeah man I'm a regular at the comedy mothership

you should be I am I'm one of the top 250 comedians in the world you're a joke rapist does it say me Brendan Shob

Brian Callan Correct Chris DeLea Joe Rogan The Five Amigos The Five The Five The Five

That's a sequel Just Ted just chilling Dude Just chilling I like I love I love Brandon Shob To me he's like

He's like When you're like Doing exercise You listen to a funny podcast He just tickles me In a way That there's something about You're his fan

No But there's something about It's so just like I love just kind of like This dumb kind of guy floating around. Just doing a little bit of whatever.

Getting like kind of like butt hurt when people are mean to him. He was on like that tiger belly podcast or whatever. And he's like, do you think it's like nice to like make fun of other people? He got like really offended because they're like talking shit about him because he like, he like asked

I think the whole whatever. He asked like Annie Letterman like oh, can you like walk? Walk me to my truck. Walk me to my truck. And then he asked Andy Leonard. Huh? I'm scared. What you want to walk me to my twog? What you got to do is like, hey, I'm at this hotel.

I will give you $5,000 to have sex with me. Yeah, yeah. I would do that. Yeah. And then, like, afterwards, she's like, all right, where's the $5,000? I'm like, you don't like me? Yeah. Okay, but I feel kind of used.

How much would you pay for sex? We're about to find out. Key West Bachelor Party, baby. Can I come? I would be mad if you didn't come. I'll pay no more than $500. I think I would pay $500. I want to do it once.

How about, you mean, you cringed. Is that too much or too little? I think that's probably too little for like, if you're, if you're looking for something high quality. I'm not. Usually it's, I think the going rate's like 600 bucks. Really? That's not bad.

No. Ah, that's like a PlayStation, though. I can either get a PS5 pro or have sex. It's like a week of unemployment. So if you're a listener, you're unemployed, take that money and fucking have sex with a prostitute. For her. How much time is that?

30 seconds. Yeah, I don't know. Is it based on? I'm sorry, you're so beautiful. I've been to a Dominatrix, and she jerked me off, but she was like, she's like, we have an hour, but like, you don't want me to make it come immediately because you're gonna, you're not gonna wanna get,

you're gonna be kind of freaked out. Why not, dude? You play a little Mario card afterwards? Yeah, but there's a lot of, when it's like, when it's a, I think when you fuck a prosuit, you're like, fuck yeah, geez, you're like, I'm the man or whatever, but then you fuck, when you get jerked off by like a middle-aged woman

in a hotel room, your mom paid for, you, uh, is a whole story. Thank you, Mother good. Yeah, this has been, Mother, very good. It's an old story, but yeah, you come and then there's... Sorry if I'm being too intrusive, but how many times have you rendezvoused with a sex worker? Only once.

Oh, okay. It was like a week out of my breakup, and I got a Dominatrix. You just went like... I wish I had numbers of episodes so I could be... Who cares? Yeah, I'll just tell the story again. You have like a little... This is the end of the episode.

I'll tell it again, yeah, yeah. So I was like five days out of... out of my relationship and I hooked up with one other girl and then my parents were visiting me. I think they thought I was going to kill myself. So they were like, okay, well, we're going to visit. So they visited for two nights and then they were like, you know what?

I was about to couch surf for three months. I was technically homeless, whatever, for three months. It was just sleeping on friends' couches and stuff like that because I gave Max the apartment. And then what we did was they were like, oh, we'll pay for one night in a hotel room just because you're about to be couched for three months. So they paid for a hotel room, and I was like,

well, I got to get some fucking blessing here. Absolutely. And I was mentioning this girl on field, and she wasn't answering. So I was like, you know what, I'm going to get a dominator. Let me do something crazy. So I was like, let me do something so different from my ex. I got like a 60-year-old woman from New Jersey. And you're like, what am I doing?

This is crazy. This is like unemployment money I'm spending on this. She's like, this is wild. And then she like, we kind of text her role, I'm like, yeah, be like a bossy babysitter or something like that, you know. You don't specify age. I mean, my thing is I don't want to be like,

I don't want her to be like, you're a 15 or, you know what I want? Just make it naturally roleplay. Let the characters become themselves. Yeah, yeah. And I'm bent over her lap. And then she's spanking me. And then she's like, do you know why you're in trouble? I was like, no.

Because I pooed my pants. She's like, what? I made boo, I made boom boom. Well, I make a poop. my diaper. Just immediately go to like I'm a fucking toddler. I don't want to know what money is. I can't bear her because like,

I don't, do you want money? I'm giving her like Monopoly money. This is block. Baby Michael make boom boom. You want Wago? I got Wagoes. But she's like, you know why you're trouble? And I was like, no, I'm in trouble. She's like, and she just draws a blank.

She's terrible at role playing. She needs to do his little improv. She needs to take some improv 101. Yeah, she was terrible. And then she goes, she goes, I heard you're bad to the last baby's there. And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She caught me masturbating. She's like, you should never expose yourself to somebody that's a sex crime. And I was like, oh, I didn't, she walked in on me jerking off. She goes, well, that's not technically illegal. So I know what you want me to do with that. I'm sitting there bent over this woman's lap naked.

And I'm just like with my ass in the air. Yeah, yeah. And then I'm like, oh. You're giving me nothing. You're giving me nothing. I can't work like this. And then I'm like, okay, we eventually figure it out. It's weird, too, when they're spanking you because you can't ask them to spake you harder because that ruins the power dynamic.

Yeah, yeah. So, like, I didn't know she was going to jerk me off. And then she goes, and she goes, now I'm going to molest you. She goes, I'm molesting you, Michael. I was like, do not say that. Dude, dude. I would come. I would come.

You got to molest you. I almost came with you just said that thing. I'm way of the fuck over here. I'm going to molest you. Do you come, and that post nut clarity is terrifying. You're just looking, I'm looking at the mirrors in this hotel room. It's all mirrors. It's all just, I look here, it's my face, my face, my face.

That's a bummer, dude. Because, like, having sex in a hotel room is, like, the coolest thing you can do. Totally. It's like so, it's like, damn, I don't know, it just feels so, like adult. Yeah, but getting spanked by a 60-year-old woman in New Jersey after you were just in a relationship in a hotel. Now, but you know, no, no, she wasn't like a, yeah, I kind of like her. Did you believe she was 60 or was it like, oh, this is like a 60 year old?

I loved. I was into the whole weirdness because, like, you're in a relationship where you're fucking somebody your age. And then you're like, what is this totally opposite thing of that? But still is mean to me. I wanted to recreate the experience of being in relationship in that aspect. But I, yeah, it was like, it was like, terror. I was like, who the fuck am I?

Like, what's going on? And I'm like, do people freak out? She'd go, yeah, people freak out all the time. Because she had a timer and she's like, yeah, when she'd come, a lot of people kind of like don't know what to do with themselves. Because what it is with like Femdom shit, it's like you have a combination of like humiliation

which is a rush. Oh yeah. Combined with pleasure. When the pleasure is gone, all you have is the humiliation. So if you're not comfortable with yourself, you're like, what the fuck am I? And then she said, uh, most of her clients, Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then she goes, it was very funny. She's like, oh, you do comedy. How I always thought I could be a, comedian and then she picks up like a thing. She's just like speaking into your dick. Is this thing on? She literally goes, she goes,

women, you think men want you? They only want you for your pussy's, huh? And I'm just like, safe. So then like you're fucking cracking up, you're just losing your mind. Thinking I got to fucking steal this bit. Hold on, hold on. And she leaves, and I do a show, and I'm just like, who am I?

You were like, so ladies, she think men want you? Ellie watching for your pussy. That's awesome, dude. Yeah, and then the woman eventually hit me up. I went on a date with that woman, and then I told the...

Who? The woman I was initially texting that day. Oh. And then I had told her this dominatrix story as if it was years ago. I was like one time crazy story. Totally not two hours ago. And then I found out that,

I'll tell you guys who was after my guess, that was, a famous comedian's daughter. I found out after I left... Wait, the dominatrix? No, no, no, no, the woman. And I was like, oh, this has been a crazy day. Was it Larry David's daughter

who also had sex with Pete Davidson? I wish, man. Damn, man. That would be fucking tight, dude. Pete and her Davidson, if you know what I mean. Damn, dude. How does he have... How does he have that swag, dude? Dude, my dad, like, totally died

in 9-11. Damn. Oh, I want to fuck him. My dad died in 9-11, dude. I remember him just screaming Alu Akbar. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you think, wait, is there a, is there a, who, what was the Taliban? Where were they from? Afghanistan. Do you think there's an Afghanistan Pete Davidson, who's dad died in 9-11 as the terrorist? Yeah, dude, he's got like 40 brides though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking cool over there, dude.

The Middle East is pretty cool. My dad died in nine, no, I was Indian. Close enough to do Middle Eastern? Can you do Middle Eastern? Yes, my father died in 9-11. He got on the magic carpet and he just went to flying and it was crazy. and it was crazy. Anyway, you need to buy something or leave, sir.

Thank you very much. Did you feel like you were there? Did you feel the hot Sahara Desert on your face, dude, right now? I was like, I took you to a faraway land. Agrabah. You really did. This is bad. I've had so much fucking.

It's always fun, dude. I love the morning good, dude. Well, there is a really funny one. Most of these episodes I've liked recently, but there was one that was so bad that even my producer noticed. So my roommate was like, oh, I didn't hear a lot of laughs out there. Normally, you guys were having a great time. I was like, yeah, it wasn't a good episode.

This is, by the way, I'm going to put sometime in the last two months. So I figure out which episode it was. But my producer literally goes, yeah, no, I could visually see that this episode had lower level. So I could tell visually that you guys were laughing less. Like, scientifically, this was the least funny episode of the podcast. Dude, there was a, that's funny because, like, I had this guy who was, like, always, like, recording, like, comedy shows. And he was like, can you see when Joe Gorman,

went on stage and it was like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then, like, the voice was like, da-da-da-da-da. And it was like, because I yell. Yeah, but I'm also fucking crushing. You're very fine, yeah. Thank you, Michael, good.

You're a good guy. You're a good guy. I hate you. Michael. I got good a dude. Yep. I haven't even been recording this thing. I was like,

I really should have done that. I really should have done that. I don't expect you good prank. Just wasted an hour. Got you. Yeah. But what do you guys? to promote.

Fuck. My podcast, Super Selly Joe's, is on YouTube regularly. I do it with my buddy, Alex Thomas Selly. As always, just follow me on social media at Joe W. Gorman for upcoming dates and all the hot clips. Instagram at Levi the White. I'm starting to post now. Nice.

And in about a year, I'll have my own podcast. Oh, that's the way to do it. In both, like we talked about. By the way, check their Instagram stories. Both fucking some of the two of my favorite comics. You guys are very funny. Oh, thank you.

April Fool's again. I'm scared. Michael. Damn, that is fucking funny. You guys are very funny. Check them out on Instagram and thank you guys for listening.