Morning Good - Gerbil Crackpipe Device - Episode 232

Episode Date: August 11, 2024

Alex Ives joins the show for the first time alongside Paddy Defino for today's episode. They discuss whether Astrology is real, Michael reading The Real Anthony Fauci on Adderall, and a chance encounter with a real-life Alabama extremist militia member. Thanks to Alex Ives for coming on the show and joining the Morning Good universe, check him out at the links below. For more Paddy Defino check the links below and listen to previous episodes.Alex is on Instagram @alexives__standing where he posts clips and flyers for shows to come see him in NYC. Paddy is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts the best visual experience in comedy podcasting, News From Bed.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. All right, sweet. We're here with Patty Defino. Hey. And Alex Ives. Hello.

And we're talking about job interviews. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I just changed my stance. I just turned into the... I just made your... Oh, my stomach.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm just becoming fat again. That's how you bulk, apparently. I don't know how to bulk, so I'm now just drinking milkshakes everything. That is the definition of bulking. Yeah, I think so. I know, bulking's mass. You can't listen to too many people about exercise,

because everybody's going to be like, you got to go upside down and jerk off four times a day. And the next guy will be like, the worst thing you can do is go upside down and jerk off four times a day. And you're like, I don't know who. Yeah. none of it makes sense because there's always a guy. Steroids

makes sense. That's the only thing that makes across the board do steroids. You've got to work out on them still. Especially since like I know my comedy would get a lot better from stereo. I would have more home runs. Massive hands. I did watch the Joe Rogan especially. Look, I thought it was really

funny. But I would love if he kind of expressed some of his because he has to have roid rage. That guy's just full. Yeah. There's got to be like his thoughts a day. He goes a little bit to his thoughts being crazy, but I'm sure sometimes he's like, I want to punch everybody in the face in this building

and then fuck everybody's wife. There's no way that doesn't cross. Fighting as well. That guy's been fighting his whole life. Yeah, there's a lot of testosterone in that man. It's like, yeah, I want to know the inside of the brain that's like... He kind of is like Thanos. Yeah.

The Thanos of like comedy. Should have been him, not Josh Brolin. Because they look the same. Like, he's turning purple from all the ice baths. Yeah. they should have put them in like a that also be easier i don't know why cgis so like it looks like shit like every time i watch a marvel movie i'm like this the visual quality they need to go back to people wearing stilts like if phaena's was just on stilts it would be

kind of funny but kind of awesome it look it's like too much to look at yeah every like object in view is the most insane looking intense like uh created thing and it's like there like any any real movie, there's a lot of stuff that's just boring in the background. Totally. Yeah, that they animated him so much. Like, why can this guy be standing on a box and punching people in the face? You just tilt the camera up so it looks like he's taller than everybody. It's also like it pretends that the Marvel universe is like this super high technology powered, like my like super intelligent whatever world, but they're also too insecure to like not make their technology look super cool and like

cool logos on it and stuff. It's like if you were a higher power, you would not give a shit about what your shit looked like. You would just nuke every planet around you. Yeah, it is very funny. You're like, no, no, no, no, I got to put a cool W on my chit. I got to put wings on my car. It's like, why do you have to do that?

You just fuck everybody. No, no, no. No, I need to have a spider so that people know I'm Spider-Man. Yeah. And then again, I guess we're just poking holes. in a comic book series for children. DC heads are loving this, though. Yeah, the DC heads are...

The DC heads are... Oh, yeah. The Dick Cough. I always thought Dick C. was D.C. This is why I have Yon, Patty. This is why I have Yon. Shot some D.C. on a lake.

Yeah, I think the smart ideas of a superhero would be to have a hundred different costumes, so nobody's looking for you. They're like, no, Spider-Man picked up this bad guy, but there's like 10 different superheroes in the city. Master of the sky.

Yeah, he's just in the turtle costume, just fucking people up. I have no idea who it is. Dude, that was, that was like filmed on 9-11, right? The turtle scene. Really? Yeah, apparently he gave, like, the serious speech in the turtle costume. Who did that? Dana Carvey.

Like, the day the turtle speech was given, apparently everybody was like to do is really hard because, like, 9-11 was very sad. But then Dana Carvey, like, seriously was in a turtle outfit. He's like, as a nation, we need to come together. It is nice that like 9-11 is not like a day of sorrow for everyone. Yeah. I'd imagine for the cast who are from like North Carolina or whatever. They're like, this is insanely funny.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's also like, it's one of those things too where it's like we need a second 9-11. Like we do to come together, we need something. 9-12. That was COVID. Yeah, but it just didn't work that. It didn't work. But yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, it's weird how that worked. I don't know. Like I guess maybe now we're better I don't know I thought it would be a unifying thing but it's definitely not No that's worse I used to work across the street

from the World Trade Center and I would just walk past and I would walk past like a guy who lost somebody I would just like walk super sad and be like it's tough here yeah yeah yeah

you should say super melancholy walking by he's looking at the 9-11 memorial because he like lost his wife you're like there's a whole lot of fish in the sea trying to cheer him up

and new bus comes by every five minutes you'll be just fine I bet you get you a hotter wife with bigger tits I promise her just so sad about like the easiest job

in the world and I leave and these people are just grieving. I'm like, let's get off the F train. Yeah, you think about how many wives they killed by flying into the towers. Yeah. Other people's wives and then they gained their own wives. Yeah. That's true.

It was really more than 47. Yeah, that's fair. In their mind, they're like, yeah, we're killing this many wives, but we're creating. Creating. Yeah. New virgin wives. Hot wives.

Yeah, yeah. I heard, somebody said recently they like, translated bin Laden's thing and it was like pretty agreeable. They're like it's like super reasonable. No, that's what everyone says. Bin Laden, that's, that's cool to be into bin Laden now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, people love the CIA operative bin Laden, but, you know, are you guys in on that like they blew out the bottom of the towers? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You can't, you can't fall at free. But I'm also a retard. I'll believe almost anything. Yeah.

It sounds fun. I'm like, that's my new belief system, whatever sounds different than everybody else. Yeah. It's contrarian. That's the one thing my dad won't listen to me on like, he'll listen to all my shit. If I bring up 9-11, he's hangs up the phone. Oh, really? Does he, where's he from? He's from Boston.

He's lived in New York, you know, past like 30, 40 years, but he's like, like, he's like a super, like, put-together man. And I'm just like, it's impossible to fall out of free-for-all, rate dad with I used to argue with my ex about it. Like, to the point where, like, look, I'm, I'm now realizing that I took loads of Adderall for a decade

and was kind of a maniac. It's like, I don't know why it's all piecing together in the last a couple weeks, but I just be on Adderall, and my ex to be like, what is your like zodiac sign? I'm like, oh, you believe in this, but not 9-11? You don't think 9-11 was staged? And she's like, Jesus Christ, we're just trying to enjoy our day. Can I say I'm starting to believe in the zodiac signs?

When I read it sometimes, I'm like, that does kind of make sense. Yeah, it's just like, I'm, I think like there's something going on. It might not be perfectly right, but I think there's something going on there that they're on to something. Why do you believe that? Because like every time, like people have been able to guess what I am based on like my personality, I guess. When's your birthday? September 15th.

Okay. So what are you? I'm a Virgo. I'm August 24th of my Virgo? I don't know. I don't know how it all lines up. I hear it's changing. I heard there were new signs now too.

Do you see that? There's like secondary signs. Yeah, but that's all people just not being able to clump things in. That's because like some weirdo is a Virgo and acts differently. than you, and they're like, oh, well, he's a Virgo sun rising moon. He was born at 4 o'clock. But but yeah, no, I

see, I think there would be something like with the moon. Here's what I think, because the moon makes the ocean have waves, you know? Right. Based on where the moon is is like, you believe that? Whatever.

Have you seen Bruce Almighty? That's how it works. He pulls the moon and it causes his mind. I saw Evan Almighty with who is that? The office guy. Steve, Steve Carell. Yeah, Steve Carell, yeah. But, like, so, like, wouldn't you think the sun would also have something to do? I was like, cool, I was shut it in my mouth.

And, like, what is a baby but just a hot load of liquid jizz you just shot in a woman? Depending on where the moon and the sun are, could impact the sperm? I try to keep an open mind, but right now it is like a, tight straight man's anus. Well, let me fuck it open for me. I just, I don't. Plus if it's like November and it's like really cold, like maybe your sperm is slower and you're a Aquarius

or whatever the fuck it is. And they're like, Aquarius is not a haste to make a decision. That's because your sperm was like cold. And they're like, I don't want to. Like, should I get the egg? Right. Should Barry get the egg? Yeah.

Yeah. I don't, I, I hate shutting ideas. I want to, like, riff with you and be like, maybe this and that. But my brain, I don't know why you just started mentioning Zodiacs ads, and I turned into like, like a serious, not fun guy. And I'm like, yeah, how about we keep it going, pal? Because I don't agree with you. Or also, it could have to do with, like, if you're a baby, say you're like seven, not seven,

like eight months old and you're starting to like figure shit out, depending on what season that is might impact your personality. That made the most sense of anything you said because if you are like born, yeah, you're hitting certain growth marks during certain times of the year. So you're hitting like five years old around Christmas. So everybody who's around five years old on Christmas, like let's say your birthday is on Christmas, that's going to affect your personality.

You're going to be some kind of Christmasy douche. And if you're not, then you're going to become like I'm a Thanksgiving kind of guy. love Thanksgiving. That's a part of my personality now. I love Thanksgiving. And that's, that's like what it is over here, because we have such a diverse, like, array of seasons and stuff. But in China, where everyone is like the same person, it's just whatever, you know, how they have, like, you're the monkey or whatever, you're the rat, whatever month you're born in is your favorite food. Okay. And then that's how that works over there. It's all new to me. So if you're like, here of the dog. So everybody's, yeah, I'm going to say everybody's born in the year

the dog. You're the rat, snake, whatever. Yeah, yeah. You're the dragon right now, I think. Here the dragon. Yeah. Which, I don't know what that would be. You ever see the stuff about like lucky numbers?

Like, it's like, I get this in my Instagram feed a lot. It's like, this is like, if you were born on like 22, it's like you're going to be a rich guy. Have you ever seen these things? No. It's like corresponding numbers. My favorite thing I've ever seen on Instagram is not that similar to this, but you just remind me this. Have you never seen that guy?

He goes, stop scrolling. Michael on November 28th, 2025. your heart is going to start. Stop. He's like, I'm serious, Michael. Your heart is going to feel very bad. And you're going to start,

this is you dying, okay? This is a warning. And it just feels, there's no way for you to be like, I know this is just a joke. You got that on your feed? Yeah,

yeah, but it's like, but it was like a bunch of different, like, every other Michael's like, God, fuck me in the years. Because it's such a common name.

If you go to like his feed, though, was he like, Tyler, January 18th? No, Michael is the only one. So it is kind of fucking scary.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the guy has no other videos. And then he killed himself after posting it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that was fucking, like, I don't know, that was terrifying to look at. But I don't know. Like, there's, I'm like, what a good friend. I'm like, I always thought that when I was a kid watching, like, 3D movies.

I always thought, like, the movie was happening to me. Yeah, because they're like, you. I was like, oh, I picked the best. Everyone else is just why. Oh, he got it. That's what I thought, Phil Her Magic was. was. Yeah.

Because, like, Mickey Mouse is just flying around. There's, like, champagne pops. I literally turned to my parents and then I'm like, they're doing it to me.

Like, all right. Yeah. Now, we're at Universal Studios and this girl, like, there's like a wand

that, like, glows when you grab it if it chooses you. And this girl was like, it's probably like a fucking, like, $500 wand. And I've ever seen

some girls to argue with their dad. She's like, I need, the wand chose me. Like, I need this wand. Like, how do you explain to your kid

magic's not real, just you don't have to pay for some shit. You have to be like, this is horseshit. I'm sorry. That reminds me. I used to have like a bit on the stage, you know, like the patronus spell that they... Which was that?

It's like the one where they, they like say expecto patronom and like their spirit animal like runs out of the wand and they chase dementers away with it. Okay. I used to have a joke about the guy who had a gerbil,

who is spirit animal with a gerbil. And I would just stick the wand up my ass. I'd be like, expecto petronum. Yeah. Yeah, that was... You're talking about Richard Gere. Yeah, yeah. It was hot, dude.

Brooklyn's finest. That movie's so good. He was also... He did internal affairs, dude. He has ever seen Internal Affairs? No. His career just got, like, totally wrecked from the hamster thing.

What was the hamster thing with Richard Gere? Oh, you know this? No, what's that? There's rumors in Hollywood that he would put a gerbil in his anus. Oh, wow. And, like, just let it kind of... Yeah.

When you're that hot, you gotta find some way to get yourself going on. Maybe he just had a big... like hunk of cheese up there he needed to get out. That's the only way. Doctors told me, doctors don't want you to know this trick.

You got a shit with dribble. I just, I don't quite understand how. I mean, I guess you like, you open, because like, does your asshole, like, it's just,

maybe it's just tight at the entrance. So if you just open the entrance, then the gerbil can kind of go in a little bit. Yeah. You need like salad, salad forks or whatever those things are. Yeah, yeah, just kind of open your penis. It's like getting into college.

Anybody can, can succeed when you're in there. You gotta get through the doors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's like a tough, I don't know. Because, like, in my mind, I always thought when they say he put a gerbil up his ass, I'm like, I just picture a guy

just, like, kind of like stuffing it in. Yeah. You know that trick where you take the, uh, the fake thumb and you put it like a handkerchief in there. I kind of thought he was just stuffing jurbles in his ass. I think you have, like, a tube like this big. It's big enough. Yeah, that's for a good time.

I think what they do is they put the tube on it, or they put, they have like, uh, like, uh, some kind of a container that it's in, and they put it on, and then they heat up the container. No, that's how they kill people when they put the rat on your stomach.

Yeah, but it will... Precisely. But it does have somewhere to go. Okay. Like, if it didn't have somewhere to go, then it would, like, scratch your... So what you're saying is you have, like, a gerbil crack pipe type device.

Yes. Where on one hand of it, there's a... It's like a dab rig. And you heat it up, so you... Nibble rig. You scare the gerbil so much. Or do you have, like, a...

and you're also, I don't know. And your ass is the prize. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're also doing tests to find out. How do you get it out, though? How do you get it out? You got it out? You got it in, you get more cheese.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, fair. Yeah, you start eating very spicy wings. It's going run in the other way. Yeah, you have to swallow a cat. Yeah, that wouldn't be insane. I feel like you just eat my intestines. I feel like you, I'm just imagining I'm going through my whole body and like coming out my mouth.

Yeah, but you know how fucking good it would feel? There's things I've never tried and maybe having a gerbil in your ass is just like you have to try. You'd feel weightless after it. I also feel like it's like a really expensive like wine in a way in the way that like you shoot it up your ass

and then it lasts like 10 minutes up there and then it dies from suffocation. I like the idea of him kind of like bullying people. Like he's such a rich guy. He's like oh, you've never done jerobie. He was like, I was hanging out A bunch of stage hands

You never gone jubling? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're into jirbling. We went, we gone jubling up in the Swiss Alps. Me and my whole family. The snow was falling. Scratched its way through my lower intestine. It'd break you up good. You know, I'd be getting on my Instagram a lot all day.

I started this thing to you. Remember I was telling you last time I was like trying to do drop shipping? It was like a quick way to get rich. What's drop shipping? It's where you like, print out a bunch. You have no inventory. It's just like order on demand shirts. You have like an Etsy store and like you'll try to get people. I did that for like a month. It's totally unsuccessful. But now I have a new one. I'm trying to clip people. You have here are these people

clippers? No. It's like when you're on YouTube or Instagram Reels. It's like just like a clip of like Theo Vaugh. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. And if you hit one million views on TikTok, they give you a thousand dollars. Wow. So you're just clipping up other people. You should clip up news from bed. I'll clip it up. I just did like five Adam free. readlin clips and I got one view. I was like, this is going nowhere. It does like, it is like a pretty good thing

to get into, I feel like if you have a good sense of humor, because you can find the actual funniness, you know? Because I always felt that with like, like norm compilations, whenever they have a norm McDonald compilation, they'll like put stuff on, like the stuff that's constantly in

repeat is like not as funny as stuff. Like his moth joke is like not as funniest thing. He just want to hear him on the radio. in like Arkansas on a Tuesday. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever seen the, I mean,

he's great on Howard Stern. My favorite Howard Stern recently was the Eminem Howard Stern. Howard Stern is just so mean to Eminem. It's so funny. He's like, why are you talking like a black guy? You're not a black guy.

Yeah, he's like, you're not black guy. No, he's not. Yeah, you're not black. My sunglasses are too dark. Now, Marshall, can I call you Marshall? Yeah.

Does it even Mathers what I call you? Yeah, it's like, it's like fucking 10 minutes from being like, Yeah, it's a fake accent. You're not actually black. And then he brings a beetle to...

Beatles, this man, black. Yeah, they're black. Yeah, he looks black. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a candy around here. He looks black, yeah. Oh, well, beetle wait in. Thank you, Petal.

Yeah, yeah, he black. You're black too, however. Everybody's black. I meant, I'm just in that interview with his old self. Did you see that? No, no. He, like, sat with himself in a hologram and just talked to himself. That's ridiculous.

I think Eminem should just keep. him. It's so bad. It was nice. Like, I liked the little oh, he's back thing, but I'm like, this is just nostalgia porn.

He just needs to hop out. Or, like, do something like, he should go into acting. I think he was... Eight Mile was awesome. A mile was awesome. Yeah. Jump back into acting, yeah.

He should be, he should own, like, one of those, like, indoor, uh, not aquariums, but the ones that are, like, above ground,

like, dry, where they, like, fill with, like, moss and stuff and spiders. A terrarium. A terrarium. A terrarium. He should just get into terrarium in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then that would be his, you know, coast into retirement. Do you think Drake's going to turn into Eminem? Which is, like, so... I feel like he's... He knows what's going on, though. See, what... The weird thing is, does Eminem have a...

Have a girlfriend? I think he's... I think he's a bachelor, yeah. I picture him... Why do I not picture him getting pussy? I picture him just being in his mansion, just like... He has a daughter who's hot. Right.

Well, he's not fucking. termed one hot pussy in his house. A picture of him just looking at machine gun, Kelly. He's just like, R. Machine Gun Kelly. That's all he's doing. Just in a mansion. I don't know. Machine Gun Kelly hit every point. He was just like,

you're so mad. He's like, why he's so mad all the time? He said about Eminem? Yeah, the Kill Shot thing. The Kill Shot thing, no, no, what was his song's name? Eminem did Kill Shot. MGK put out the disc like four years ago. And I actually liked it a lot, but I couldn't say that. I was like, he's really, all his

Tattoos. Yeah, machine gun Kelly gets too much pussy. Yeah. He's like 6'4 and lanky. Lanky. Lanky, dude. It's so weird.

There's no like real taste with any of that. Some girls are really into that. Some girls are like not into like the thin. I'm just saying that as a fat guy. I'm just saying, look, some girls like a fat, five,

10 guy who like lost a little bit away but then gained it back right now. The skinny tall is in though, man. It is unfortunately in. I see so many skinny guys with hot girls. Yeah, but I don't think there's any like,

I don't know. There's no consistency with anything. I mean, like, a tall guy who's got muscles for sure gets laid, but it's like there's no, I don't know. It's the pointy chin, like the chalem. Maybe it's like when a woman looks at a very tall lanky guy, she doesn't see like arms and legs, she just sees more

penises. He could fuck me with his foot. See, that's why I'm very happy. So I got a 5.9 inch penis, right? Wind blown well, it's six. Wait, how do you measure in tenths of an inch? Either way, I like to say I got a 6-inch penis, whatever.

The whole thing I'm saying is that I'm 5'10, so my penis looks perfectly average in my body. If you're over 6 foot, you've got to have a bigger dick than 6 inches. I would take my penis now on my body. The problem is I think they do. I think it's all proportionate. Not always, dude. I got a friend.

I got a couple, I got about 10 friends. I lined up 35 of my friends who are tall and looked at all their penises. And that would be horrifying. If you could see, like, if you had a catalog of all your friends' penises. I have a general... Yeah, that would be absurd. I would just sit there and just stew at, like, someone I haven't talked to in three years. Dude, you know, it's a hilarious.

We should get this. We should get a scrapbook that says, comedians of New York penises and just take penises off the internet, but, like, just put everybody's name on. And just put it in the bathroom. So, like, just as a prank for everybody that comes by, just like, wait, what Jason David's penis looks like. Yeah, we should get a nice table that it sits on.

Like little lights like shining on it. That's or just, yeah, you can do this, by way, any friend of group can do this. Just get a scrapbook that says all of my friends' penises. Get penises offline.

Go to Staples. Tell them, don't look. Hand me the file. I did have, one time I did try to make a card game and I had to get these cards printed. And one of them was just like this picture of like a black guy with a machine gun, just no pants.

And like his dick was just like swinging around. And I had to like go to the store and like pick him up. And the girl like hand me the thing. It was just like, what are you doing? Because it didn't make any sense the game, you know? That's so surprising that you do that. Because most people in those situations, they just, you try to do something funny and they're like,

this is my job. I will not have fun at my job. I refuse to have fun. fun working at tables. Also, probably 90% of what they get is just like people who are printing stuff from a library and that's their only computer access. Oh, yeah. It's just like porn.

Totally, yeah. And people like, people used to develop porn all that. I think people always used to be like, here's my naked pictures and like just do that at like fucking, when you'd have to get your pictures developed. I just print out pictures of like AI Megan Fox and just put it under the sink in my bathroom, just go rub one out to it.

Yeah. Could you imagine how nice it was to be like a porn? porn photographer, really pervy porn photographer, and you take a snapshot of a pair of tits and you shake it, and then, like, they just show up right in front of it. Like, oh, God, yeah. It's like getting flashed twice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've always wondered, like, I've always thought that could be, for some reason, I'm like,

there's got to be some job I could do that's porn adjacent that not a lot of people want to do that, like, I, like, I would love to just be a sound guy for, not because I'm, like, corny, but because I want jobs that aren't going to look at my podcast and care about it. So I like, I aggressively looked into like weed I just Google weed porn jobs, like just something I'm like, there's got to be something that pays

decent. Start clipping some porn. I hope you get like the taint mic guy. Why do we need audio of this guy's taint? We need it. Are you sure I have to hold the microphone in my mouth? Yeah. that because that dude that used to be thank god somebody put their foot down that used to be such

a popular shot that just oh the dude's fucking ass just dude's ass all you can see is his ass clenched ass yeah his balls like swinging underneath i'm like you're trying to find a way you're not gay yeah yeah i'm trying to just see a kneecap or something so i'm not gay for that moment i try to see her kneecaps like i gave to her a kneecap because in that moment you're just the gay guy watching gay born. Yeah. No, everybody's gay for a moment in time. Everybody's gay once in a while.

Dude, I just looked at the RFK. I didn't fully get the story. No, anyways. See how a professional coughs in the... That sounded like an RFK cough. Yeah. But I just looked up at the bear's story. I didn't fully hear what it was.

Do you know how fucking insane this is? No, Alex. You know? I know exactly. story. He's an outdoorsman. You can tell it, but it's just... Well, first of all, I did see the first, the first thing that led me to this was I saw... Wait, he's an outdoorsman doesn't answer the question. When he explains the story, he's like an outdoorsy guy. Are you an RFK guy? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm voting him, yeah. Dude, wait a, I'm not voting for him, but way to fucking put your foot, like, yes. He inspired me. That's his whole thing. He's like, my whole job is to, he's like, it's a losing vote, so I have to inspire people to vote for the... That's awesome. Yeah, I'm not gonna win.

That's what it's crazy. He levels so hard with that, but... I might vote for it, because. I might vote for it, because, because, he's a vote for it. I might vote for, because. I was not just going to vote. I'm like, I might have vote for him. Dude, if people vote for him, will win. That's the thing. People don't realize that. But no one wants to vote for him. But it's like, oh, it's like, I want to vote for him and say it's because I don't want to be put in a vaccine concentration camp. Just so people don't want to argue with me about politics. Actually, they want to argue more about politics. Which, by the way, as far as concentration camps go, that might be the best one. When were they're just curing you of diseases? but what was the by the way I got

I read his whole book on so much Adderall and that is another time I went I keep going to go to Anthony Fauci's that one oh my God good for you dude I was just on Adderall and then me

that had to have been the most boring book of all the time oh it was terrible well thank God it's not by him I think I didn't finish it I'll lie I listen to a couple describe for it yeah I listen to it on tape

and I remember it was so funny because me and my ex went to go see the Rockettes and I just freaked out like I was just like everybody in this building is going to be fucking dead in two weeks. Did he like rape a rock hat or something? No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no. Fouching? No, you. Oh, no. You mean you didn't consensually want to do that? I have to check your pussy for coke. I always thought it'd be funny if like a Jewish guy was like hitting on a woman.

He goes, he goes, excuse me, miss, are those boobies on sale? I just picture the biggest eyebrows on the guy. His glasses are the biggest. His glasses are over his eyebrows. He doesn't even have eyes. Hello! Yeah, he's one of those Italian guys that we know is Jewish. Like, like...

What's his name goes the opposite, right? We got like Andrew Dice Clay is the Jewish guy pretending to be Italian. Well, maybe that's just who... Never mind. It's the same way. It's the same. Italians and Jews are very similar. Totally. Yeah, yeah.

I remember my friend Dave Namory brought that point up. There's a lot of complaining. A Jewish mother and an Italian mother are very, very similar. It's just like the type of jewelry they wear. Yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah. I would say this, I'm taking, as people know about my Italian, Jews over Italians. We're doing this.

What if by food only? Italians, then. But it's like the, I was really happy because Luca Farrow is a comic. He's an Italian guy. And I'm happy that he shares this annoyance of New York Italians. Yeah. I think my Instagram is making me hate a tent because every time I see a podcast clip, it's some mob guy.

He's like, and then you talk to the boss's daughter, then you're fucking dead. And I'm like, this guy is not a real human. He's like a cartoon character. But, yeah, well, the other thing that was really funny was I was talking to another comic who's Jewish. And he's like, yeah, Jews and black people. but we just like, we just get along perfectly. There's no tension. We like to make that up.

I was like, I think that is a one-way street. Blacks hate us. Yeah, no. My dad used to be like, same boat. It's just like, I don't think so. Both had it tough, right, guys? Literally quite different boats, actually. Yeah, yeah.

Very nice. Yeah, I do know some Jewish people who are very close with black people. I think it's like you're either one or the other. Well, I think it's like, I think it's like there's just like, there's tension in that community that's not like, people don't, some people don't know about it because they're like, every black guy was nice to me,

but you're like, and I'm not saying like, everybody has different views on everything. It's like, I'm not saying all black people are anti-Semitic, but the most anti-Semitic things I have heard have been from black dudes. Dude, yeah,

they don't fuck with us anymore. I remember when Israel got hit, BLM went crazy. BLM Twitter was going off that day. Yeah, a couple enemies. But also, to be fair, the BLM Twitter might be run by a white guy.

So I don't know. Yeah. I don't think it's like a general consensus, but it's like the same. I think we do get along kind of well because it's just like, I think it's like a non-threatening thing. Like a black guy talking to like a normal Anglo dude like that. He's like,

okay, what's this guy's deal? Is he gonna like get me with the Jew? Which is like, do you think he's more true? But it's a soft little Jew. Yeah, but maybe he,

but in his mind you don't think maybe he's, I'm just painting my anti-Semitic. And I'm like, but in the black guy, he's going to get you though. Yeah, yeah, but I think it's like,

If I got, like, one free punch, though, like, and it could be anyone. It would be a Hasidic Jewish guy. Like, I, like, it would just have to be. Right in front of his Toyota Sienna. Like, were you, like, you can punch anyone in the world you want, and they can't do anything back. It would be. It just sounds like a testificate for my...

He would come up, like, one of those clown things. You know, like the clown punching bags, it'd just come back up. His hat, like, spins around and lands back on top. Yeah. I think, yeah, what was I saying? Yeah, I think it is like, no, I think there's general. Like, I know there was this weird thing where, like, like, obviously in the entertainment industry,

there is that thing because of, like, record deals and stuff like that. But I think there was, like, a rabbi that accidentally hit, like, a black kid, like, in the 90s here. And there was, like, huge, like, racial tension in Brooklyn between blacks and Jewish people. He hit a black guy? Hit a black kid with his car or something.

Oh. Yeah. He can't do that. You can hit him just not. Yeah. But yeah, no, I don't know where I was going. There was someone in my hometown who hit one of my friends with a car, and it was like a big thing because like both of them were hammered.

And like the one guy was like way older and like should not have hit a kid with a car and then drove away. But that's really all I got to say. Yeah. Well, it's up with both of them are. I think this started with some RFK thing. We're talking about the bear. Yeah, yeah. Oh, we never even got to the bear.

So Falconery, I know like his thing was like, the one thing I won't say about that. is I was like the other candidates, I literally saw an advertiser goes, it said, go falconing. Falcican, how do you? He goes falconing. He goes into like the woods with like the like the sheath on his arm and he just like tries to catch Falcons on his arm. I swear to God. That's also dude. He's not hunting. He's trying to hang out with Knoxkins. Yeah. But he picked, so he was going falcony. The woman in front of him hit a bear. She drives away and he got the bear and he said this. He was like, you're allowed to scalp roadkill in New York so that he was going to pick it up. up and scalp it. Then, you know, he goes into the city. He said he was having dinner at Peter Lugar's had to go to the airport. So he's like, okay, what am I going to do with this bear? It's in the back of my car. So he just dropped it off in Central Park because there have been like some bike crashes. So he was like, it's going to look like a bike ran into the...

And then he put a bike making it look like it hit the bear. No way. Which that's, and that's where I started to draw a line and I'm like, okay, something weird happened to this bear. He like fucked the bear. Yeah. To death. Yeah. And he's like, oh, fuck it. Because it's like, okay, he picked up the bear knowing he had a flight. Yeah. What's up with that? Why the fuck is he knows you? He's like, uh, I'm sure I'll be able to skin a bear in an hour.

How long does it take the skin a fucking bear? That's insane. What is he just going to go to the airport with bear for, like, bleat with blood, covered in blood with a bear? How do you even like get away with doing that? Like, how do you, like, how he got into the park and it's like dropped it off? With, like, dragging a bear? Like, it's, that's so crazy.

It's not the craziest things he's done, but it's, it's up there. Like, remember the stuff, did you remember the stuff he said about Jews and Chinese people with COVID? Oh yeah, that one was good He's like, it's targeting the Jews and the Chinese Other ones getting off Or no, he said they're like less Yeah, like that it was it was supposed to kill

Old people, black people And everybody basically that's not Jews and Chinese That turned my dad off completely from him I was like God damn it Yeah, yeah That is a while Well, because it's like What is, do you think he's like

I don't want to take people's words And assume things but do you think he's like Trying to say that the Jews and the Chinese made COVID? to make it. Yeah. No, that's got to be what it was.

But that is, by way, his best friends are rabbi Schmuley, though. Let's not forget that. Him and Schmulee go way back. That's a killer team up.

The Jews and the Asians, that's a smart. That is like, it's a bad one, yeah. I feel like his COVID take was just during a time where everyone,

like, nobody knew it was going on and you could kind of just say whatever about COVID. Like, you would get in trouble, but like, nothing could be proved wrong.

So I feel like a lot of people just like just tried to make a take that no one else had, like, in case theirs was right? He's been, going to be like... He's been on... He's been on... I remember I listened to him on Joe Rogan last year, and I was like, is this really what's going on? Like, it totally blew my mind, and...

And ever since then, I have three RFK shirts. Like, I'm way too deep into it, yeah. Yeah, he's... He's the funest candidate. He's so fun. He's shirtless gene stuff. But the thing that everybody says... Inclined bench.

Yeah, yeah. The thing is always weird to me is there's always, like, there's always people being like, you know, the Jew, Satanist, gay thing is going together. And you're like, none of this makes, these things don't add up. Either Satanists are running things,

Jews are running things, or gays are running things. But those three not, maybe gay Satanists. Yeah. Not gay Jews because gay is against the Torah. And then not, does that make any, you know what I'm saying?

I see what you're saying, yeah. I've seen some good stuff on like Satanism, just like running the world, how like, you know, monster energy is the, have you seen that stuff? Or it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's also he's also.

that that's in. Those are Hebrew sixes. But I got into a very deep wormhole of that last night of just like how everything is set up by Satanist. And I can't get out of it. Interesting. It's exactly what a Jew would say to get the attention off your back. I swear to God it's the Satanus. Yeah. My thing is like I never, the whole saying, I don't think anybody runs. I think there's a group of people that if you're running things, there's no way you're like, yeah, I run this, but I also believe, like I don't think that anybody's really feel. I bet you you're probably, because if you're running shit, you have to have some level of atheism.

Because you're fucking shit. Whoever's running things... You have to think you're God. Right, yeah. So you're not going to be a religious group. So to be like, these people run this or this girl. But maybe that does make you a religion.

You're like, I'm... Your own god. Your religion's not real. Therefore, I am the killer of religion. Yes, therefore I am Satan. It doesn't make sense for people like, this religion runs everything. Because that doesn't make...

You would be like a sociopath... It would be weird that like a Satanist would also... like want to try to stimulate the economy. Like there's things they're like, no, we have to do this so that this person gets out. If I was like the head Satanist, I'd be like, let's just fucking set everything on fire. Yeah, yeah. I think that's what they generally do.

I know it's like, I'm not scared of Satanism because I don't believe in Satan. Yeah. We're like, oh, is it? Besides, when we watch long legs, I got a little, I got a little spook. These guys keep making watch scary movies, so I'll snuggle in the rest of it. I love scary movies, yeah. I was thinking this the other day, if I were president. I would build a large spring contraption under the state of Kansas,

like just a big giant spring. And then I would make rape legal in Kansas. So all the rapists would move to Kansas. And then I'd hit a button and my spring would just shoot them all. Now we're going to lose a lot of people. A lot of people are going to get raped in Kansas for that one. Hey, listen. It takes a village.

Yeah. I think those are different Crack a few eggs You gotta crack a few eggs Well that's like the plot of that That's good for the goose Yeah That's the plot of that new

A Knight Shamalan movie Spring Which one? No, no no She'd not make a movie About a springing in the state That was God damn it

Shamalon Beat me to another idea At least I've seen the trailer He's like It's called trap Oh the Josh Hart had one Yeah so what they do Is they have like

They trap a They trap a serial killer at like a little girl concert so that they can like kill him. But they're not, I don't know what police force is like not seeing that like this guy's going to probably kill like fucking. We're going to lose 10, nine year olds in the process, but we're going to find one guy who was probably going to kill nine year olds as a much slower rate. I hear that movie's not that great, which is upsetting. Yeah. I heard it's a whole ploy to get his daughter famous. He says he's like at a pop concert.

His daughter is the pop star in that movie apparently. So it's just like, yeah, look at the album. guys they heard it. That's the twist. Capitalism. Always. Always the twist. Very smart. Very smart stuff. Everything M. Night Shyamalan does, I'm just like, ugh. Really? I just feel like that. Lately it sucked, but like, what was it the one where the air killed people? Invincible? Yeah. Like the Mark Wahlberg one? Unbreakable. The one where the air killed people, the happening, you ever see the happening? No. That one's scary. Correct. Yeah.

That one's just like What's going on? Hey, what's happening? Yeah, it's like the air drives you crazy or something like that and then you go kill yourself being a nice guy. The one thing where all the construction workers

just falling off the roof. Yeah, isn't it like plants revenge the whole thing? Yeah. Fuck you humans. We're going to make you poison. Mark Wahlberg is a college professor and they're like, guys, guys, come on.

You want to learn about astrology. Yeah, that's the most unbelievable part that movie, that fucking retard. He's this physics professor That makes a lot of sense Yeah Did you guys Sorry to pivot here

But did you guys see There was a woman in the Olympics I forget what team she was playing for But she got like kicked Probably lesbian But she got kicked out of the Olympics Because she was like Fucking too much

In the village She was like getting like being naked Dude I heard that is like a thing I heard the Olympic Village is just a fuck fest They can't drink They can't do drugs They're just like horny And they have so much steam to blow off

And their testosterone Phil people Yeah Yeah, which if you have, it is, I forget who we're talking to about this, but it is funny that like, this, like the swimmers are in there and so are like the guys who like shoot a gun. It's like two of the like opposite ends of the spectrum. Just the guy with it with a dildo bow and arrow shooting. Also, is it, are you allowed to like steal valor with like Olympics? Like, can I go up and get like a guest pass and then start dressing like an Olympian to get some pussy over there?

I'm actually the Olympic wrestler. I'm wearing like a ciglin. Just the crotch stuff to make it look like a dog. And not even like muscles. Yeah. Big, huge muscles, just a mass of dog.

I was like, I wonder what his skill in the ring is. He must have some crazy tactical advantage with that dong. Yeah, I haven't watched anything. It is funny, too, that like the, everybody got all pissed about like the,

whatever, the last fiche. of dice, whatever shit they were doing, the people were like, oh, this is Christian D. They're like, this is the worst Olympics ever of all. So it was like, Adolf Hitler was at one of the Olympics. So I was like, I think that's a worst Olympic than this one. I saw a thing that they were saying the opening ceremony was satanic.

Did you see that? Yeah, how it was like, because they had, it was supposed to be like Jonah Ark riding him, but they were actually saying it was like the last horsemen of the apocalypse riding out. Oh, which is totally not satanic. Dude, if I was, I totally get, like, if I was a gay guy, I would not want acceptance. I would just want to keep pissing people.

I would not be like, yeah. Because everybody's like, well, if they want to be accepted into the society, they have to start playing. I'm like, dude, if I was a gay guy and I was like, I could just, I was watching Bruno the other day. I'm like, that is a lot of fun. How can I piss off the most people? I was like, I'm going to, I don't know, I'm going to be a gay Jesus. Yeah. Who is nailed to the cross backwards with my butt hole spread. Just because the amount of people that are going to be like, yeah. Well, yeah, gays and women, who are basically the same thing, just in different bodies.

Of course. They like to start shit. You're not, not wrong on that. Sometimes they don't even know why, but it's just, I don't, fuck them.

Fuck you, I don't give a fuck, you know, which is fun, you know? It is fun, if I was gay, I would just fucking,

every... Also, like, my parents would always tell me this, because I would tease my sister a lot, and they would tell me and my sister would tell my sister this. I'm like, I'm only doing this because I'm getting a reaction from you 100% of the time. Oh, yeah, yeah. If you, like, didn't even notice or care or whatever, like, I would have stopped doing it because I would have gone. Yeah, drag story time wouldn't exist

if nobody cared. No. Yeah, yeah. If, actually... It's driving, though, still. The what? Province town. What's this? Oh, it's the gay capital of the world in Cape Cod. It is where a gay is going to vacation. It's just, it's revolting. I went to a sex. I went, I I went to a sex store one time in province. As a province town. Yeah. And,

uh, last town in Cape Cod. I walk in and there was like a bunch of Cape Cod, by the way, all is, my mom's from Cape Cod. It's gay. It's gay.

It's just very like, I don't know. Even the guys are gay, golfing and yeah. It's a lot of like the sweater. Yeah. Yeah. A little pink.

Yeah. A little Ralph Lauren anyways. But, uh, I went to a sex shop and there was just this like big bean and on the bin was a flash card and written on it in Sharpie was fuck juice one dollar one dollar is like very inexpensive like what's it going to do to your body yeah well just i get the fun it too like if i was a gay guy or i might just do this a straight guy i would just send gay porn to ben shapiro every

single day forever that's just a fun just piles of mail every it make it look like different things may be like oh this is from like chase bank this is from like something else and then it's Just every time you open it, just a dude getting fucked in the ass. Massive black dude with the huge dog. I don't understand.

Always over computing, just, how could this get in my mail? Well, the thing I was... How did this make it through without an extra stamp? That dick is too big.

Yeah, that guy is... What is he... Well, he's in the Star Wars. He has, like, I think he has like Lego Star Wars collection. Yeah. Ben Shapiro. Yeah.

I ever think was that other guy. There was somebody who was like, the caption, I may have talked about this last week, but the caption was like, RIP J.D. Vance, like this Democratic senator. I saw that.

And literally all it was this guy going, J.D. Vance is a phony below. Yeah. It's like, in what world is this like rap, battle rap level? It's so where it's like, oh, dude,

the Democrats have done a really good job at turning this into a, like, look how dumb they are. Look how dumb. Now it's like a, high school, like, drama battle. Oh, for sure. Instead of politics.

Because that's, like, how they're going to win. They're going to win by just poking fun because, like, conservatives cannot handle being made fun of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In, like, a way that doesn't, that isn't funny, you know? Like, if it's in a funny way, they'll be like, all right, whatever. But if it's in a way that doesn't make sense, they're just like, what? It's, that doesn't even add up.

It's like, no, that's the joke. Yeah, well, like the couch thing, right? I didn't, fuck the couch. which is like not even remotely weird. No, I told my girl, she was like, you hear the fuck cat?

I was like, yeah, I did that. I was like, I fucked it. That was like how I started jerking off. There was a hole in a couch. Yeah.

And by the way, couches, they fucking want it. Dirty little slum. Look at these lips, dude. Look at these fucking lips. You're going to tell me.

Look at that crazy. That's a fucking labia if you ask me. Yeah, dude. What's funny do, I wonder like, like there was a kid in my high school where a rumor went around

did a, um, that a, dog licked peanut butter off his balls. And then he became like a professional wakeboarder. And I was like, I wonder if this is like traction. Like it's the same thing for fucking, uh, what's it called?

For J.D. Vance. Like he fucked the couch. And like to get over the couch fucking room. He's like, I'll become president. You guys will be be remembered for one other thing. I would love if he had the clarity to be vice president. Not even like, I'm going to be president.

He's like, by the way, it took me saying because I had to change the sport so the guy who I was talking about. I was not making but I was like, let's throw something like that out of there. Have you seen that norm joke though where it's like, you know my uncle, he's this guy, he's so

successful, he's done all this stuff, he's like, people don't remember me for the school I built. Oh yeah. The college I went to, but you know, you fuck one horse. Oh, man. Yeah, I wonder how much animal bang is really going on out there. You think it's happened in New York? Oh, no, my, my grandparents in their

old person facility, this person got busted all over the news he was fucking a dog. He's fucking his own dog. Yeah. Got it on camera. Well, you don't fuck somebody else's dog. Yeah, he's fucking his own dog. You fuck somebody else's dog. They find out. You fuck your own dog. It's not, it's not like my own dog will, it's like, yeah. Yeah. Well, the good thing is the dog will not tell anyone else. Yeah. It's funny too to fuck. Just shaking his head. Yeah, you fuck somebody else's dog. You're 100% going to get caught. But maybe he's like, maybe people are like, I don't know, you fuck your own dog. I didn't have to hang out. Yeah. It's like that saying you can,

fuck your friend, you can fuck your dog. You can't fuck your friends. I think in New York it happens. You probably get so much post-nut clarity to you after you fuck a dog that you're like, I don't want to look at this dog. 20 minutes later. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe you're just like, I can't have this thing I fuck in my house all the time.

Like dead dogs. I'd imagine in New York, like New York, the apartments are so small. Like, just by odds of proximity, it's probably more likely. Yeah, that's interesting. Because we always say like, I was South people are fucking animals. But like, there's more people here, so there's more animals getting fucked.

Yeah. But I think the South... Domesticated animals you could fuck, though. You think they're fucking... South wild animals? I don't think so. I mean, fucking... What's it called? Tiger King?

They're saying, apparently, like, people... Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, the daughter of, like, Joe Exog's like, oh, yeah, he would have people pay him to come in and fuck lions. Oh, wow. Which is fucking so gangster.

That has the cool shit. It's so funny, too, because, like, animal abuse, terrible. Me, me, who cares. But I think. no, whatever. Yeah, no, it is bad to fuck animals. But the idea, like,

it's even worse to fuck him and leave him in Central Park. Just, I don't, like, in my mind, I'm like, I don't know, you kind of conquered the king of the jungle. Like, you fuck a tiger. I don't really feel that. I mean, like, I don't know,

maybe if I saw the tiger the next day and he was just kind of like bummed out and getting raped, I'd be like, that's... They're probably so sedated, though. And imagine a human penis compared to a lion penis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably felt like nothing.

He probably just felt loose. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. Yeah, I'd imagine that the southern people fuck more like farm animals and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Well, and I think that's all like, like a sexy fucking pig. Yeah.

I think that's all like based on like, uh, I love the idea of a guy fucking horse, but he has it like in a dress with like a blonde. Yeah. This isn't that weird. I'm pretending it's a woman. I don't know why this popped in my head, but it's Kermit the Frog in a therapy session. He's like, yeah, so my wife's a pig, but yet I'm the one bringing home the bacon. Thanks for wholesoming up the fucking animals. That's great.

Yeah, I don't think it is. I think it's one of those things where you don't have a lot of people. That's where like incest happens in places like that. It's like because there's like, oh, there's not a lot of options. Like it's very cocky to live in a city with no animals. and you're like, I wouldn't have a horse. You're like cats because there's millions of juicy babies. Yeah.

You see the Pakistani thing how like 50% of Pakistanis are all inbred? Yeah. I did see that. That was a good one. I sent that right to my father. Get a load of what I found, Daddy. A hundred percent of sandwiches are inbred. I will say this, though.

There's also a giant percentage of acids that are in bread. Oh, it's brutal. You ever seen a good-looking one? there's never I disagree so there's some babes dude there are some babes

I've never seen any with natural beauty no oh what do you mean unnatural like fake tits well like good bone structure

I've never seen good bone structure on a Hussein I've seen some oh dude you've never fawned on a Jewish princess

on a princess not the Hasid it's only reform Jews if you just hang around this house oh I have to the non-offensive A reformed

JAP is fantastic I was deep in a Jap the other night a Jewish ass pussy. No, if you hang around, if you loiter a little bit and when school gets out, you'll see the most beautiful. Well, if you like, this is the thing I'm sorry, like, if that would be like, I want to take

the biggest, like, the game, you know, those guys that are like, you got to be, like, a guy who's really into the Riz master or whatever, if he could pull a Hasidic girl with now being Jewish, that would be a fast. That would be really cool. I feel like their chances are almost way less because he rolls up with like a chain and like a fade. It's like, yo, what's up girl?

How you do it? Like with his like, and they're just like, they just sprint away. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. I was about saying for him to like, if he could do that.

Yeah, yeah. Because it's like they're not going to fuck somebody who's not a acid, right? I don't think, yeah, I don't think they're going. I think it's just like a cold. Do your parents care if you marry a Jewish woman?

No, they can, my mom's Catholic. Oh, okay. Yeah. Nice. Now I see the reason.

the reason side of you. Yeah, someone was asking me at that and I was like, no, they don't fucking care. Yeah. Yeah, that is... My mom wants me to go to a Catholic church and literally pray on the Catholic women there. She's just going to Baptist church and just slap you slap your leg. Jesus saves. I bet it's a blast regardless.

I don't think you have to believe in God. have a little bit of fun at it. One of my friends is like a speaker in all black church and he's a white guy. It's fucking awesome. Really? Somebody's like Facebook live to his video. He's like singing? Dude, it's fucking sick as hell.

He's lived like this. My friend who's lived like nine different lives and people are always like, oh, not like him specifically, be like, oh, that person who has phases. Like, yeah, that's great. They've lived multiple lives. You're saying experiences. Like, yeah, sure, maybe you were a got off and then the next week you were a jock, but that's dimension.

You've learned from each of these lives. I'll never forget when I got my senior photos, in high school. I like went up and the guy taking the photos must have had some kind of like stick up his ass about like high school people because he's like, oh, what are you? You a jock?

And I was like, no. And he's like, do you play sports? I was like, yes. He's like, did you play like a sport every season? I was like, yeah, he's like, you're a jock. I'm like, no, I'm not. I got in like a fight with this guy. He's like, what are you going to bully me now?

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to put a finger in my own ass so that you don't do it. just wedgies himself it's so weird it's like you're holding on to something you know oh and that is a thing i will you see it in the real world did you ever see like somebody who looks kind of deweb like kind of like give you like a thing i'm like no no no i know what this is this is you still being pissed about it yeah you're mad about those matchbox cars i stole yeah yeah yeah i ever tell you about the time i like almost i tried to steal a bunch of Pokemon cards from an autistic

guy no dude dude this was before i knew right from wrong i'm just I was like probably seven years old. And there was this kid who had like all the Pokemon cards. And I remember I took like a huge stack and just put it in my pocket. I had like basketball shorts on. And we went outside and we just started jumping on a trampoline. And my first jump, the car is just flying. And he's just like looking at the car.

And he's like, it doesn't. He's just like, what's going on? And I was like, oh, that's crazy. Yeah, I still feel bad about that to this day. You shouldn't because it's like also like, I mean, there's no, there's no situation where a guy has all the Pokemon cards and isn't autistic. You know what I mean? So like, the only way to get all the Pokemon cards is to steal them from an autistic guy.

Yeah, and you got to catch them all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you now become autistic when you get that. Yeah. That's how that happens. That is like the unfortunate truth of Pokemon was real. Like the best Pokemon trainer would just be like, like furry weirdos.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they'd be like ruling the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that is weird to think about it. I wonder if like, because autism, they're like, oh, he's born with you. But if you got a, I know you should not molest kids. Okay, I know that. Mm-hmm. I firmly believe you should not have sex with kids.

You specifically, but anybody listening, don't do it. I think if any of us could, it's Alex. Yeah, of course. I got a little bit of younger glow. Yeah. Yeah. yeah he bet you that one of my seven years seven years i'd be good but if you immediately got a 10 year old kid model pussy like from a supermodel do you think you could reverse the trajectory of autism wait a minute you have because there's a certain age where autism appears right probably like 10 years old maybe where you go this kid started an act autistic oh so is there a way to like if you if you if you put this guy and cool guy like you immediately give him a mazorati a smoking hot model model. And a bunch of cool friends who are like, I don't know, like, you get an NFL player

to be friends with him. You get a famous rapper to be friends with him. You just give him everything cool. The anti-the-antism posse. Yeah. Yeah, you should throw him in a Mazur. You had a car that's remote control, but he thinks he's driving at the school every day, maybe. Like, could you make this guy now socially confident enough to not have? As long as you, I know this is not, this is very theoretical. I don't actually think this will work. As long as you keep them away from trains long enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, maybe. I don't know.

Because it is like, I get it. You're born with it, but like, there's a level of like social interaction you can have that can fix some amount of autism. Like, there's people that like, I don't know that are autistic and they like work at it. Like to like sort of like, they take notes. Yeah, yeah. Like you're still born with this thing that you can't fix. But like you could probably like, if it's a spectrum, I think you can fucking move the knob a little bit. How far is this guy on this hypothetical on the spectrum?

Um, edging to nonverbal or closer to... You know what? It's clearly not accurate. Elon Musk is still a fucking weird out. That guy has everything in the way. He's supposed to the fucking Kanye West and he's still like, ooh. Yeah, I think like there's disguises to make it look cooler that you have autism. Like the guy who used to coach Michigan, Jim Harbaugh.

He's like clearly... He's like, yeah. But he's like a psycho for football type autism guy to the point where he wears metal cleats. to every game, even though he's the coach, and he, like, takes passes and stuff before the game.

And I heard this story. He took his team to go to the Vatican, to, like, go and, like, visit and see the Vatican, and they're inside the Vatican, like, this just beautiful sculpture, and, like, the team's walking in, and they just hear click, click, click, Harbaugh wore his cleats into the Vatican,

metal cleats. Like, he's, like, that's the type of autism he has. So if you have that, that if you can turn the coolest thing you can do is be Elon Musk i feel like yeah to just have rockets and like cool cars and stuff and be like i i'm so autistic i want to live in a futurerama world you know well that's what i think the uh everybody's like the aliens are like us from the future right that's like the thing people say but people also say the weird whatever whistleblowers they would be like oh well actually like they're interplanetary and they're also interdimensional i think

it makes the most sense that we're not going to be here for that long. So we are going to be alien. Like we are the gray aliens, but we're on Mars. It would be funny if aliens still had like the debate about the word retarded, like way. Wow, this is retarded. Yeah. Gary, I told you never to say that again. Bill, we've eliminated those people years ago.

I think the thing I've decided this, the thing I think that makes the most sense is that we are all aliens, right? Like, the gray aliens, that's all us. But we, like, fucked up, and this is, like, a prison simulation. So, like, this is, like, the thing where it's, like, like, it's sort of like, almost like karma, but we're, like, they wiped our memories clean and they put us in here. Because if we would have known that if we behave well, we will become, we can get released from the prison, then we won't behave well. So they went into, like, life being a simulation? Yeah, and I think, I think it makes sense. But, like, that one makes the most sense to me, because I'm like, okay, it's like, they wiped our brains clean, they put us in these bodies.

So we have to, like, live a moral life. And every time we fuck up, we go back, kind of like, Hinduism. But it's like, we are the people. We're not allowed to back into that society until we figured out. But on our, like, our own soul has to, like, develop without us knowing there's actual consequences. What do you think the other society is like just, just gray? Yeah, it's just like gray alien dudes or like whatever kind of aliens look like.

But like, they're like, they're functioning well. But like, one of us, like, I don't know, you're probably like a child rape. Staling. I mean, I'm just guessing. You, investment baking. Investment baking. I literally stole a bunch of money. I was like, I didn't matter. Not because you're Jewish, but

but then you fuck up and then they put you in this simulation to like work on your soul and then I don't know. That's kind of what God is. Like God, the simulation theory and like the Catholic God is like essentially the same thing.

Yeah, but the whole thing is like, if you know where you came from, then you're not actually doing things for the right reasons. So it's like you're doing things so you can go into heaven versus somebody who just morally does the right thing. So I guess,

so if you fail the simulation and you don't become a better person, you get reset, okay. Yeah, yeah. So that's like, I was telling you about it when I was on yours, it was the Anne Hathaway thing, remember that? And Hathaway was the time traveler.

Yeah. What was this? And so Anne Hathaway's. There's an old Anne Hathaway, right? Yeah, but the old Anne Hathaway was Bill Shakespeare's wife. Okay. Look at pictures. They're exactly the same birthday, the same...

They're the same birthday? Same birthday. Same everything. And she's married to now, like, what do you direct? He's a director, but like, I think he, like, did late Ms. But, like, the idea was that... Ooh, spooky. You should...

When I did his, I had it fresh. I had just watched that video on the way in. But it's like, uh, I think the husband has the same. Isn't he like a descendant of William Shakespeare or something like that? Where it's like he is also like, there's, in cahoots, but the idea was like, she couldn't star in films back or plays back then be, no women.

And now it's like, okay, now he's going to let her be in movies and stuff. It's like, make her sexy and dark night. Yeah, I mean, that makes complete sense to me. Anne Hathaway just keeps failing. And Hathaway is just a fucking asshole. I think she's like the most beautiful

celebrity. I don't think so either. But you know what I hate about this? I think she's attractive, but everybody says, whenever I say I don't think she's that hot, everybody goes like, Oh, so you wouldn't fuck her if she was here right now? Like, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying when I compare her to Megan Fox, I find Megan Fox more attractive. You can't be like, we're saying the thing about Kirsten Dutz. I was like, oh, I think she's really pretty.

Like I have like a place in my heart and my penis for Kirsten Duds. And then people are like, yeah, I don't think she's hot. She could age better. Yeah, totally. But it's like I don't now go like, you fuck a piece of shit. You couldn't fuck her. I'm like, no, no. What I'm saying is when you take celebrity, you put their hotness on like a way different scale than like a regular person.

Talal was saying he wouldn't even fuck Taylor. Swift at all. That's crazy. At all. Is she pro-Israel? She looks too much like my sister. And I wouldn't... Is your sister tall?

She's like probably five... Why doesn't your sister ever visit? Oh yeah, that's tall. I'm just kidding. That was that. What? What was the other hand aathaway? Like, what's her name?

It's Will it's Will Shakespeare's wife. So look up Will Shakespeare. Now, it's also possible like the parents of Anne Hathaway were like, oh my God, she's born on his birthday. This looks nothing like the actress to Ann Hathaway.

Well, you know, it's tough. They have to paint it. It doesn't it all look like any. You gotta find the video. You can't go to, Google's not going to tell you.

They ran out of a cheekbone color. This, you know what this looks like? This looks like a weird British dude wearing a blonde wig. That's Anne Hathaway. She's probably wearing the hat. But she's got this sexy cat.

Every painting they had looked like it was like the queen on a set of cards, you know? They painted faces weird. I would love to have a portrait of me with like a lion. Like back then, wearing leopard's snake stuff. My friend used to have this painting of this girl with her tits out and she just had like the most gravity-defying,

awesome, perky tits. And I remember like I was like really trying to get that painting from him. I was like, how much do you like want for that? Dude, tits, there, time changes. Tits. 70s There's a weird thing where, like,

people look different and, like, tits look different. I think it's, like, the food. Yeah. The chicken we're eating is just giving everyone big tits, which is fucking awesome. Yeah. But for the people who are going to get big tits,

now they just get these sloppy fucking monsters. Yeah. It's so unfortunate. See, I don't mind. Like, I like giant ass fucking floppy. Really? Yeah, I like all of it. I like banging fat chicks, old ladies.

I like everything. That's because I have. I have, I like pussy. I love it. It's like a band where people are like, people are like, I love music. It's like really, you're only like one genre of music. The guy's like I like pussy, really, I bang the hardest girl once every three

months. It goes, you don't like this. You're just, you gotta like every shade of it to like it. Okay, I don't like kid pussy. But outside of that. Have you had it? I have not. Have you indulged? I have not indulged. Oh, the last thing I wanted to talk about,

I mean, the last thing I didn't want to talk about was kid pussy. as in to finish the podcast, but that is the last thing I'd like to talk about. But, dude, we were on this podcast. I did a podcast last night, and this guy called in saying he was an Alabama militia,

and he said, if Trump wins, they're going to paint the capital, or loses, they're going to paint the capital red. Isn't that crazy? How big is the militia? Did he have any follow-up questions?

We talked to this guy for a little bit on a podcast, and he was just very, like, he was saying, like, I don't want to revert. Was he level-headed? No, no, no.

He was just slow-speaking. He was like, I don't want to resort to violence. That's the last thing I want to do is hurt Americans. But if you get in our way, that's what we're going to do. How did you get in contact with him? He called into this guy's podcast before, the night before, and the guy did his second podcast,

and he called into the guy's podcast then. But it was interesting because the guy fucking, the thing the guy said was like, it was very funny. I was like, what's the problem? He goes, well, I mean, he's like, look, I love the city in New York, but you guys have too many legal immigrants there. He's like, what about it in Alabama?

He goes, we don't have that problem here because we don't tolerate that. I was like, okay. So New York's immigrants, problems is like one of the reasons. He's like, yeah. I was like, have you been to New York? He's like, no. I was like, maybe just go to a diner and get like a slice of pie, then decide if you want to storm the capital. I don't know. It's a weird. I don't know why he cares so much about New York though. Yeah, yeah. It's a weird thing. If you have no immigrant problem where you're at, why is that? New York is also like historically the home of immigration. It's like the whole thing. Yeah. That's how it was built. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I haven't noticed the legal immigrant problem. I mean, I'm sure in some tax way it's fucking me over. I just noticed the people everywhere. I mean, like, all the black guys on, like, 42nd Street and Midtown just hanging out. Well, that's what black guys have always been doing. What are you talking about it? They're multiplying. These guys are multiplying.

But how would that be illegal immigrants? Well, no, because they're the African guys. They're, like, that's the whole thing. It's like Somalians coming in. They're like, they're the guys from, like, Northern Africa that are coming in. They're saying those guys are, like, bad. There's definitely been, it's definitely. I don't think people care too much about Mexicans anymore, honestly.

Mexican are so old news. Yeah, Manxanian, no, it's like, yeah, it's like, the people kind of piggybacking off.

It's like, it's not, that's how they get over here. It's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, like,

noticeable if you, like, open the door and look out on your block, but, like, on a bigger scale, it is like, oh, I'm sure it is.

Yeah, yeah, I'm very, like, I'm dumb, but I don't care about, I open the fucking boards. I don't really care. I don't know,

I'm sure in some way it's fucking me over financially, but, something in a state you haven't been, because the news just makes it seem crazy. They're like, oh, it's just flooding with crime. And it's like, I've been. I think there's like a fear that other countries are sending their, like, very unwell people over.

Not sending the best. Yeah. Well, that is interesting, too. I always forget about, like, we literally live in the most exclusive nightclub in the world. Yeah. And we don't care about it. And also, everyone else is trying to take us down a notch.

Yeah. That's, like, one thing we have to remember. Like, not every country is just like, oh, they're the best. You know, I'm happy with being number two. China is like a catty, popular girl. She's like, I want to be on top. Yeah. It's all the time to shine still.

Dude, if China and America fucked, oh, my God. Yeah. So hot. Yeah, that is two power, powerful things. The only thing is America would have to go in sideways. Because the chinas are sideways. yeah that's my favorite three six miles sideways he would say he's like uh these chinese bitches they push it really sideways uh but uh yeah i don't know i like i said i whatever

i think we're at it i just thought it was interesting that some guys threatened terrorist attack i'm not i'm not sure you guys i don't have any more thoughts on that either it's a wild thing to uh well hey whatever happens i think it's gonna be bad yeah well but that's what i'm thinking of where to go for the election like i'm not i'm thinking of where to go for the election like I don't want to be here. Yeah. Well, I feel like...

It's like... It's like... It's like... I think I could go a week before Thanksgiving and hang out down in Florida. But I might get drafted into the Confederacy. Because win or lose, it's gonna fucking suck. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, whoever you're voting for. Yeah. But R. FK... It would be the easiest when they're like, oh, all right. Yeah. Do you everybody gets a Falcon or something?

Yeah. That is pissing me off. The other candidates are not pulling their weight. No. I saw an article it said... It said, uh, win a falconry day with RFCA. Yeah. What are you offering fucking...

I'm pretty sure he's the only one who's even stated any of his policy. Like, maybe Trump has said a little, but he hasn't given any detail. Like, Kennedy's like, here's my whole thing. Kamala said nothing. Trump said basically nothing. Yeah, yeah. It's like he's really the only legitimate candidate. I know.

It's like, and it sucks. Him debating the debates was hilarious. Oh, it was crazy. He didn't think where he pulled it up. Yeah. Like arguing with, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cheryl Hines just sitting there like, good job, good job. she's fucking

so hot oh my god I'd like to share her old hein yeah that's what you want to do I see I should have you know what I you know what I've done before in the past not intentionally

but just because my room right there I've jerked off right before this podcast and in my mind I was like I'll go in with post not clarity and think clearly but that's actually the worst way to start a podcast you want built up testosterone yeah I'm just ashamed

like I've like had a couple podcasts where I start I'm just like do you think PNC Park the whatever stadium for the pirates is named Postnut Clarity Yeah Everyone's gonna whack off

and they're just watching the baseball game like wow Yeah Post Not Clarity It only just makes you not make bad sexual decisions It just makes you feel shameful For four minutes

Which isn't always helpful Yeah Yeah But anyways where can they find you You guys can find me My Instagram's Alex Ives Standing up

Yes. Or is it standing? Standing. Alex I was standing. I kind of wish I didn't make that my name. I wish I made it Alex Ives. But that's the only place you can find me. Yeah, I'll be at Eastville sometimes. That is it.

And if you ever see a clip on the internet, it's probably him. Yes, I'm clipping stuff. Yes, please find me on TikTok. You're going to only see Nick Mullen and News from Bed Cliffs. Yeah, news from bed. Thank you, Michael. Yeah, yeah, thank you. Turn off my tail.

Oh, wait. Thank you.