Morning Good - God's Plan - Episode 299

Episode Date: January 18, 2026

Cam Stafford and Corey Yoskowitz join the show for today's episode. They talk about boating accidents, quitting Nicotine, and strip club xenophobiaThanks to Cam for returning to the show and to Corey for joining for the first time. Check out Cam on previous episodes and make sure to hit the links down below for even more.Corey is on Instagram @yoskoooo. Cam is on Instagram and TikTok @camstaffordcomedy and hosts the Down Bad Comedy Show.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to the morning. Yeah, so it's Dick Herpes. We're going here with Corey Asquist. We're with Cam Stafford. And, yeah, now, I left the last episode being like waiting for for my herpes test to come back. So I was like, it's a cliffhanger.

So they listen. Right. And yeah, what happens they swapped it the first time? They're like, just to let us know whether it's herpes one or two. This is the most conclusive test. I got test results back.

They're like, well, you have herpes in your dick. We don't know if it's one or two. This is not conclusive. And I was like, well, that's... They call it one and two? Yeah, two is, you get it more often, and it's like people care about it a lot more. One is everybody has one.

So you got mouth herpes on... Hopefully I got mouth herpes on my dick. Right. There's also a crazy scenario that's apparently very unlikely, but you can give your, I already have one. So if you jerk off with spit or touch your mouth and touch your dick, you could give yourself herpes in other location. I bet you got that.

I pray to God every day. That's what happened. I bet you finally crack the code and you can suck your own dick and then this is the price. Dude, the amount of shit that's got on with this has just been a mess. And I'm like, if I called my dad over that and called, my whole family knows I have herpes now. And like, it's like if they're like, it's like you were sucking your own dick.

That's how you got fucking. I hope the doctor just walks in it on you one day. Just cut it out. This is why you keep getting this shit. You fucking idiot. Yeah. I was like, you hold a little,

a little closer. Yeah. Yeah, but it's funny to just also say that after talking about herpes and talking about it. I'm like, yeah,

no, have you ever sucked your own dick? No. No. No. Yeah. I tried one time when I was like a teenager

and then I was like, whatever this is going to work. Then I jerked off. Then my dad walked in and me jerking off like three minutes later. I'm like, Thank God my dad didn't want to. Yeah.

Thank God you. Yeah. I tried to when I was in like, I think like middle school. Yeah. And I couldn't get. But the more like I've thought about it since. And I'm like, I don't think I would if I had the ability. Dude, I'm weird like this.

I like the beginning feelings of a blow job, but I like finishing with a hand job. It's tighter grip. So I think I would, I would maybe start myself off, do a little pregame. And then, you know, the big finale would be my hands. Yeah. If you come in your own mouth, that's, yeah. I would hope that's how you do it. I do.

Yeah, I don't, yeah. I make mistakes. Sometimes I don't wear a condom, but I do not come in my own mouth. That's where I draw the line. Yeah, that's a good line. Yeah. Okay, so it was like a sigh of relief when you found out when your dad walked in on you, just cranking it with your hand?

Yeah, I was like, you know what? Thank God you didn't see me. I said, you should see what I was doing earlier. Yeah. Your dad walks in. Oh, thank God you're here. Yeah. What do your parents think of you?

Oh, man, they're definitely discussed. They love me. And I think there's things they're really. really proud of. Like, they're things that they're like, yeah, you're a good guy. I like this. You're very likable. You're very like, you know, when to say the right things and stuff like that.

Your podcast is gross, and we don't know. We get concerned with you with your comedy career. But, yeah, it's... Okay. It's what it is. They've definitely stopped caring about alcohol and drug use, though. They're just like, he doesn't seem to have a problem, but this guy likes to have fun. I mean, you're super ripped now, so they can't even say anything.

Yeah, they're fucking... Like, maybe when you weren't ripped, you're like that. That's so true. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, my dad's fatter than me. I'm like,

yeah, well, yeah. Now they're just like, maybe I'll get in on this drug and alcohol type of thing. Yeah, I guess,

yeah, you're hungover, you don't eat as much the next day, and it's, it's all a good cycle. Like a P90X of just getting fucked up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think it's a thing too because dad's just, like, don't know how to diet at all. He's just like,

this is good. I'm like, you, it's just calories and calories out, basically. There's like little things against the limb, diet until, and my dad's like very healthy. He's very active. He's like a ski instructor,

fly fishing guide. He's outside exercising all the time. But his diet until like five years ago was just meat and sugar. That was the only thing. There was nothing else going in. No vegetable, no fiber, just protein and sugar. Which at that age it, Matt, like in my age, it doesn't, like, I'm like, I basically eat protein too, but I'm like, you get older than. But this thing has shown me that like I'm like other things I need to be careful about. Like, you know, snort and ketamine from a stranger. Look, just one time with anything. I'm like, now I'm realizing like, look, the odds are low on something, but you're also like...

It's never zero. It's never, let me with everything. It's like, I've driven drunk one time, and it was like the next day I woke up, hungover, and started driving. And I'm like, yeah, it's still one, it's like, that could have killed a family. And you're like, that's one... I know, that's a dramatic example, but you're like, if you do something often, there's a higher chance of it, like not wearing a condom, but you're also like, there's that one thing.

saying they could have it. Yeah. It just takes one time. Yeah. You ever drink? No. No? No. What about you? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had a problem with that. Yeah. I had a problem with that in college. I won't lie. Yeah.

Never like blackout, like, wasted or anything. Like, it was never like, oh, I can't talk, but I'm driving a car. But it would be like, I'd be a little buzzed after a party. And I was like, I have to drive four blocks to my house. Yeah. So it would be that. But then, uh... Wait, why would you drive to the party if it was four?

four blocks away. I never got that argument if I'm right around the corner. I was like, then why just leave why don't I just leave your car there? You know, I can't give you a good reason.

There's no, there's never going to, and as I said, the same conversation, I went to Buffalo, like I understand, like taking an Uber, like a few blocks away

when there's like 10 feet of snow. Well, in New Orleans, it would usually be because like tons of rain or something. But again, I'm not defending the decision.

I'm upset that I did it and I'm not going to do it again. But, Yeah, I'm not going to be like, oh, because of this. Like, it was just a dumb idea all around. Yeah, no, that's like, and I've had this same conversation all week. I were like, why didn't you just wear a condom? I go, you don't think I fucking...

You don't think I've asked myself that? You don't think the second after I did it, I was like, why did I not wear a fucking condom? Like, yeah, of course. But no, thank God, like the worst thing I ever got from it was like a flat tire. Yeah, yeah. And that was when I was like, you know what? That could have been so much worse. That's the culture of the tire world.

Yeah, that's it. I was like, that's it's all it takes. I'm never going to do it again. in college, so it's hard for me to say whether or not I would have or not. Everything is kind of walkable, but in high school, definitely, like, one time, like, I was, like, pretty drunk and I was, like,

getting behind the wheel. And then I started the car, and I was just, I moved, like, maybe three feet. I'm like, yeah, I cannot function a vehicle right now. That's, like, the craziest thing in the entire world. This guy's kind of a pussy. Yeah. Dude, when you're, like, drunk, it's, like, crazy.

You're like, holy shit, I'm moving in a fucking car right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, I was kidding when I said that. Yeah, no, you made the right call. Good job. No, no, no, but like, I tried. I tried vaping. I can't do it. Wait, wait, wait, why can you vape? Well, I can. I just like, I'm not getting addicted to this. It's not working. I've never found vaping hard to quit because of, like, craving it. Like, like, I get the headaches and stuff. But it's always just a proximity thing. If I'm not around it, I'm not, like, craving. it ever. But it's what it's like it was so hard to ever try to quit in college because it was

just within like three feet of me at all times. Well for me it's an oral fixation thing. It's like whether it's a babe zins or trying to suck my own weiner. It's just you need something going. It's an ADD thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just need somebody to do. Yeah. That'd be my dad's catch me. I'm like I have ADD. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even like this. I need it. Yeah. Yeah. That's like what most drug use stems from is. just boredom. Oh, boredom and oral fixation. Well, I like, I definitely a thing where, like, I was a, um, I was doing tons of drugs as a teenager, not tons, but I did, like, drugs as a teenager. And I didn't realize that the people around me all

had, like, serious problems in their life. And I was just bored. So you're like, you, you just see the way people do it. Like, I would like do a line. I'm like, yeah, somebody put on some fucking, you know, Pearl Jam. And then the next guy's like, I fucking hate my dad. I was like, we're a way different eyes here. I was just, I just, I just want to feel kind of different because I'm bored because we're in the suburbs of Florida and you're like, you're like, yeah, I'm gonna kill my boss tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. He'd never loved me. I should have gotten that fucking promotion.

Were you near Tampa? I was in Orlando. I like, dude, I like never went to Tampa until I was like, probably 18. But Tampa's sick. I like Tampa a lot. Yeah, I would always just hear stories of like people going to Tampa and then they're like, okay, I'm just going to fuck my life up now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, that's how it goes. It's like there's certain cities like that. I think New Orleans is like that, too. Like, there's just those places where you're like, dude, and it can go both ways. Like, you can either go there or you fuck up a bunch and then you go there because you're like, dude, I, I destroyed my whole family life. Yeah, you're either at Rock Bottom or on the way. I call it like the Vegas effect. And a few cities have it. It's the cities that are just set up to be like playgrounds for adults. Your life is too good. Yeah. Tampa has it a little bit. New Orleans totally has it.

Vegas obviously has it. Like, well, that's the funniest part of New York is that's never New York. you're only going here if you're trying to improve something or like you're making a big positive decision you could fuck your shit up here but it's not like you can't continue to fuck your shit up here because then you have to move it's too expensive yeah yeah I was going to say you have to be so rich

to fuck up long term here you can come you could fuck your whole life up but then you can't stay yeah yeah yeah or you could like move to like I don't know you're homeless if you stay if you fuck your life up that much and you stay your couch surfing you're outside but in Tampa you could do it easily all year round

Yeah, yeah, you can just keep fucking up. Same with New Orleans. Yeah, New Orleans, too. And it's got to feel nice. It's like when you see those degenerate memes, you're like, yeah, whatever, everybody's a piece of shit. I think I'm fine. I don't have a gambling problem or whatever.

And then, like, you're around just people that are like, dude, that's not a big deal, dude. You should hear what I did. Well, yeah, well, I... Yeah, that's all you lost. Yeah, I lost my family. I don't have custody. You're like, oh, okay, I guess they're...

Well, I'm still pissed off about my $200, so fuck you. You? No, no, just like in general. Do you gamble? Let me be annoyed about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, there's always the person that I was complaining

something about the herpes last night. They're just like, oh, whoa, look at me. Well, I have double herpes. Well, okay, well, let me be pissed about my single herpes. Yeah, herpes one and two. They call that three.

Yeah, yeah, I have herpes three. Yeah, yeah. What's the most money you've ever lost gambling? Not a lot. Like, probably like... Under 1,000? 30K.

No. Yeah, probably like under 1,000. I mean, like, all together or just like on one thing? On like one hand or one night. I got, I had too much fun with like the online game. I feel like everyone has like the online

blackjack phase where they just go and they lose like $500 and they're like, all right, my life is ruined. Yeah. I'm never coming back. I'm never going to do this. Yeah. So I'll probably say that. Yeah. 500. That is scary.

I mean, I did spend it in a strip club a month ago. So I kind of. 500 at a strip club? Yeah. Mm. I went with girls, which is net. I hate this fucking perception. Like, you have a strip called girls. It's great because all the strippers will come to you.

You know, the girls are just like, why aren't you giving that girl more money? She's, like, working really hard. The entire time, they're just, like, promoting feminism. Yeah, this isn't your money. You're not the stripper or the money. So why?

You bring more money for her. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. This is, yeah, exactly. You just, yeah. And, yeah, I mean, I wasn't happy about it. That's your tip, you cheap. Yeah.

Boner goes immediately away. Yeah, yeah, just, well, I also like, it was a thing, too, where I lucked out. because I spent 500 and this guy goes, oh, you let me a hundred bucks last night. Here's this L.

And I was like, oh, here we go. Guess it was 400. Oh, nice. Okay. You're pretty much up $100 on the day. Exactly. Yeah. You lent him $100 and you didn't remember it?

No. But luckily he's a good guy. Because I would have completely... He's a really good guy. Yeah, yeah. Because he probably saw me and I was like, eh! I'm a hundred bucks.

I'm like, yeah, I bring him a hundred bucks. That, uh... I mean, I do dumb shit like that. Dude, I'm like, dude, I'm drunk and with... I've just started to make more money. than I ever have. And that's where it's like... Let's go.

Yeah, no, it's great. I would have fist bump you, but I can't. Yeah, you don't want to get fucking herpes three. But it is a thing, too, where like the next thing you know, I'm giving like homeless guys money, buying them sandwiches, you know, getting them four locoes.

You're like Drake from the music video, God's plan. Yes, but only bad things. I'm like buying teenagers beer. I made all this money so I could fund the underage alcoholism. Dude, I look at it. I want to give, like,

teenagers beer. And it's just because I know how much it meant to me when that happened at that age. But I'm like, there's no way to go about it. Apparently the crime is really not a big deal. Like,

it's like a misdemeanor if you buy a teenager's beer. All right. You could do that. Yeah, but I think, I think that the social, totally like, why was you buying teenagers of beer?

I'm like, yeah, I'd be like, that's suss. That's weird that you did that. Totally. You should vlog it. Dude,

that would be so. That actually would be so. Get the mad glasses. Dude. If that, that could, you could also just stage that as a sketch. Like, but that is just funny. Just like, P.O., you're like, today I'm buying teenagers beer. Yeah, you can stand outside of 7-Eleven and you're just like, all right, how old are you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you guys want some beer. They're like, not. Let me see your ID. Uh, too old. Yeah. You can buy this yourself. Yeah, what are you doing? That's like the bad grandpa sketches I used to do on jackass.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he would give the kids cigarettes and stuff in public and see what people did. Yeah. Yeah, because it's really like, uh, I mean, if you buy, if you give me, I can, I gave a teenager beer once as an adult. I was on, we were on this island. Nice. My friends, we were celebrating the whole week for my friend's funeral.

And there's this island in the middle of the lake in Orlando called Dog Island. And it's where like, you know, you go on the island, you bring a boat, you get really fucked up on there. And there was these kids. And I was like, how old are you guys like 16? I'm like, here you go, brother. Just give him like one beer. And then I think he like bumped his jet ski into somebody like a second later. And I was like, I know that wasn't what caused it.

But I have like, ah. But you're like, oh, I don't want to. I also think giving, if you're at like a festival or something like that and you give a person a beer, that's super different than buying it for a group of people. Totally. Yeah, I would not be like that's so different. Handles of vodka for, like, I'm supplying a whole teenage party, nine kids die in a truck driving accident. I'm like, yeah, I have. That was maybe not the best choice.

But I, oh, dude, those fake ID days were so much fun. It was. Dude, when I, when I was like 19, I was a social chair in college. and I would have to pick up like just so many gallons of alcohol every weekend from like Costco or like different bar vendors, stuff like that. And so I'd have to borrow cars from the seniors. And one of them had like one of the breathalyzer starts in it. Like you know so I would go use a fake ID to buy just hundreds of gallons of alcohol loaded into the back of like a Subaru and then just go. And then drive away.

And I was like it always worked. but I was like, this is so ass backwards, dude. Like, I can't. All cars should just probably have that. I think it should just be a built-term feature. Like, if you really want to stop it, just like, yeah. Yeah, just build it in. Yeah, I don't think maybe aesthetically.

Yeah, I guess aesthetically. But I'm sure you could have a tiny one that was basically like a bedazzled one for a girl's car. Yeah, I don't know. Could they do an eye test too? No, that's probably something you should do outside of. Maybe they do that, but then you could convince the car. Like, actually, I just like had a couple beers like two and then they have to like listen You have to listen to your argument and decide whether or not.

I just did mouthwash. Yeah. It's just like, it plays. I took DayQuil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It plays the cop roll. No, I was taking cure old before. Do the alphabet backwards.

You're like, oh, fuck. I can't do that sober. Yeah. No, I can't do that either. Z, Y, X, Q, W. No. This guy's been asked to do it. Yeah.

I could see you being the kids who's, like, practice that when you were in high school. No, I was practicing my rights because it was a fucking douchebag. Right. Yeah, I'd be like, I know my fucking rides to the cops. I'm like, you're not allowed to do this. Yeah. In a don't tread on me shirt. Oh, my God.

I was such a libertarian teenager where I was just like, literally, you can't take my fucking rights away. I could do whatever I want. I had friends that like fucking would do that shit where I had my buddy. He was walking around with like a gun in like Florida. And then he's like videotaping him and talking to the cop. He's like, no, I'm actually in law school. I know I've been studying stuff.

I can technically walk out through the gun. You're like, well, you're just annoying now. Yeah, it's, uh, Were jet ski's prominent near you? Yes, yes. Is that like, so like growing up, like I would go to Florida, but then like jet skiing would be like a high end thing. Yeah. Was it a high end thing or was it like more of like a sketchy little dirt baggy type?

It's across the board. Sleazy? Okay. It really, and I have no perception because I did grow up rich, but I knew plenty of people that were poor and would just have a boat. Like they just have a boat. Yeah, because it's like you can, I mean, I don't know what's the cheapest boat you get, but like you could have all kinds of jobs and just have a boat. or a jet ski. It's also a way bigger part of the culture

if you're like somewhere where you can use the boat year around and you're constantly have access to water and stuff. Like that's super different than having a boat in like the northeast where you know nine months out of the year it's like what the hell are you going to do with that thing?

Yeah, you have to like park it and like well for me it'd be Huntington Long Island and you're just like all right let me go use it two months out of the year. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Well this is like I mean it's very eastbound and downward

like somebody will have like a jet ski in their driveway. You know I mean it's always there and they will they go to whatever doc and drop it. Yeah. But, yeah, no, it was like, and jet skis are so fucking fun,

dude. It's just always... So fun. Yeah. I love jet skis. It's like exhilaring to a level where you're like, this is like,

what life is about. Yes. Fucking ripping it. This is life. Yeah. Dude, we used to have one of my friends, he was like a thicker guy

with like super long hair. And he would do insane shit, like, shit on a jet ski. So like, imagine like a big boy, like fully long hair, just like so high in the air. Sounds exactly like eastbound and down. Yeah,

that's what that sounds like. Dude, you just watch him fly through the air. It's just this, like, large man on a jet ski with, like, hair just go... That rips. Would he just go off, like, the wake, or did you have, like, any ramp set up and shit? He would just make circles and create, like, a wave pool and then jump the waves and get, like... That's sick. Fucking 15 feet.

I'm probably exaggerating, but to me, it was something like that. I'm sure it was... I mean, you got to go pretty big to, like, be clearing the water, like, evidently, just because of, like... Yeah. Yeah. Was he one of those guys that was, like, 10 years older than you? And you're like, that guy's the fucking man. He doesn't have a job.

He's actually nine. No, no, no. Fat nine-year-old just ripping out on a jet ski. Yeah, well, it's also funny, too, because, like, our recreation, like, recreational activities in Florida are motor vehicles. Yeah. So it's, like, so dangerous because it's, like, what you do for fun is also getting behind a wheel.

Yeah. So it's, like, the amount of accidents is, like, crazy, dude. It's like, my brother saw one where, like, this guy of jet ski had, like, his brain coming out, and they had to, like, fucking... Jesus. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah.

And then... I've definitely been faded driving those things. Yeah, it's different rules out on the lake. Yeah, you're in the ocean. Or even a leg. It's like... Can't kill a family. No, no, no, no.

It's a random family just like of jet skiers. I have driven a boat trunk. I will say that. I've driven a boat drug. Because like most... I think most people driving boats are usually a little tipsy at least. Yeah, I think Naparkas... Parking that thing is crazy, though.

Not jet ski, but like a boat in yours like... Yeah, docking was always like a whole thing. And, but like, I think Napargazzi is joking. He's like, why is everybody driving a boat either drunk or nine? Like, it's like a little kid. Like, I do people that had boaters license before driver's license. But the actions were crazy. There was this guy who his brother was driving the boat.

And he did like a sharp turn, flipped over the front, cut his leg off. Like on the prop or what? Yeah, because it was a, what was an inboard. So inboard, you know what that means, right? Like the propellers in the bottom instead of the back. Now I know. So, yeah, you got to be careful jumping off the back of an outboard. Outboard means the prop is on the back.

Of the boat or a jet ski boat? Bo. But if you're on an inboard and you go under... Then you're fox. Because it's going to suck you in. Yeah. What up, dog? Jesus.

Oh, what's up? Yeah, I've been seen you in a minute. Mystery guest. We never label him. I'll blur his face if he's on an episode. Blur everything except his face. Yeah. Well, and I had a friend who fucking, he had this thing where he was on a boat and somebody's

parent or aunt was driving crashed. The boat crashed. He went flying. out of it and hit his head on like a pool. Jesus. And the above picture looks like Grand Deft Auto. It's kind of sick. I mean, it's fucked up.

You know, he's had to deal all this shit. But it's like from an above view, you just see like a crashed boat in like a mansion and then like blood running. You're like, that is very cool picture. Dude, I feel like the more south you go, like the more people without limbs you see and it's either you to like. It's like diabetes or like ATV accident. Yeah.

Dude, I was with my, my grandpa. to like love going to like golden corral I was younger and I just see this busload of people without limbs just go on and they're just ginormous just like being like wheeled off the thing to go into Golden Corral buffet.

I would say this. I'm like this is fine dining. Yeah, yeah. Just one fat guy with no arms or legs. I think at a certain point they're just deep frying the amputated limbs at Golden Corral and reserving them back and it becomes, that's how their profit margins are so high.

They're not purchasing any food. They're just getting the... They're stealing the amputated limbs from the hospital. And giving the diabetes back to their new customer. Yeah. It's an efficient cycle. It's just a cycle. I love the idea of a fat guy who I mean, the doctors.

They're like, sir, you're going to lose your foot. He's like, can I eat it? No, this is how the problem started. I'm not going to lose my menu, though, right? Don't take away my fucking rights. Don't take away my seat at Golden Corral. I tell you what, I would take that. over accident.

Because accident, you're like, I made one bad mistake. You lose it over like diabetes. You're like, I enjoyed lots of knickers bars. One bad decision you lose a leg versus like multiple, multiple pancakes over the year. No, I'd take one bad decision for the story. Really? No. Yeah, because I feel like when I'm, and this is not like a lack of empathy or sympathy or anything.

It is on my end. Fuck you. If you don't have any arms. It's not even where I was going with it. But for me personally, if I knew that I lost a limb, because I was like, I just love uncrustables or like, whatever the fuck it was that I couldn't stop eating. Then I, I don't know.

For me, that, that would be a worse line than like, yeah, I was on a judge. I agree, like, at the end of the fact, like, at the end of, like, your life, I agree, because then it was completely your fault. But then, like, then you, like, if it's, like, if it's a one-time thing, like, you're just like, ah, imagine if I just, like, didn't,

like, imagine if I just didn't sneeze or whatever. Yes. Yeah. On that motorcycle. If I didn't sneeze going 100 on that motorcycle. Going the wrong way now. If I didn't sneeze going 120 on my ducati at night, I'd still have my foot. If I took one less perkinset that day while doing other nine bad things.

I also wouldn't think about it at the end of my life. I'd think about it the moment that I got my foot chopped off for eating too much. Yeah. I wouldn't, it wouldn't hit me on my deathbed. You can't do that. You can never get your feet chopped off. What? It said you have to make sure you never get your feet chopped off.

Oh, yeah. You're going to lose all. Yeah. Yeah, that is something to really think about. Damn, you know what? I mean, I've taken so many things for granted. I've just learned so much over this. And I just have not valued my feet the way I really should be.

Bro. I don't know, though. I think the lump sum. Dude, they're going to. I thought for a while they were like, this is a good part of the podcast. It is every time you drop an episode, it is my favorite. Just like looking at your thumbnails and it's just being like. My producer

You look like your mid-conversation, but you're like this. My producer edits it that way, but I let him completely. Like, I'm just letting him pimp me out of these gay footboys. I think if you had to chop off one or both of your feet, the lump sum that you could get from selling it to a fan might actually... You need a pedicure episode. Oh, dude, they would lose. I'd be a millionaire.

You need, like, a point of view of one of the Asian nail texts doing your... You need her in a GoPro. Yeah. Yeah. You could post this on OnlyFans. Just, like, post this full episode. Like, same thing. On OnlyFand.

Just another place to post it. Buddy, if I didn't start making a little money in my day job, I was right down that path. You don't even have to change anything, though. Like, you could just, like, post this episode and every single episode on OnlyFans. Yeah. They do comedy.

That's true. I think I have to justify my non-prostitution, which, by the way, I have done... I might edit this out later. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Somebody I was talking up with it and I stopped up with it. They were like, hey, do you want to come over

and, like, up some paintings for me for $40. And I know that meant we were also going to have sex. And then I was like, yeah, sure. And then we had sex. And I'm like, well, you didn't really pay me for the pay. It sounds like you had, wait, is $40 your number for sex? I guess if you were already voluntarily fucking this person.

Yeah, but then I was kind of like, I'm probably going to edit this out because they listen. But, uh, well, no, $40 was, $40 was a nice amount of money to hang up a painting. Right, but you're also. I don't think that's what he was getting paid for, though. Yeah. Let's step that at 24 minutes. I'm going to get that only for their sake. I'll years later say that I've technically done low-level prostitution.

By the way, when this gets edited out, it was non-gay prostitution. Not gay? You want that in the edited part? I did have sex for $40, but it was with a woman. But... How different is that from buying someone drinks? To... Good point.

And then... Not to, like, get them. I'm too fucked up. I'm just saying, like, the idea of, like, buying someone a couple drinks while you're hitting on them or something. Yeah, and everything gets, I have a bit about this now. This one match me on dating app and she's into Fendom. And I'm not because I don't have a lot of money. Me personally, I'm not into that type of thing. Yeah, I don't have the budget to be into that. Yeah. Which is just funny saying that, like, you're just not into that type of stuff, but, like, obviously you're not because it's like, you don't want to just shell out money. No, that's not my fetish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm more of a cheap bastard. Yeah. Yeah. But this woman goes, it's so funny, she goes,

he's like, send me a hundred bucks, bitch. I was like, I don't have any money. She's like, I don't have any money. She's like, can I have 20 bucks? And I'm like, well, now you're, it's like a horror bag. The power dynamic is shifted. I'm like, this is like a 7-Eleven conversation I'd have. Like, this is like...

Findom is such a funny name for, like, how you just describe that situation. Yeah, yeah. Like, make it seem like they're dominating you financially and they're just like, can I please just, let me just get 20 bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She doesn't sound like a very good fiendom. Yeah, she doesn't dominating at all.

No. And then it's like a fucking like, do homeless guys think they're fin-doming me when I give him a dollar? I don't know, you're going to do later. You're getting hard giving them a dollar? Yeah, I'm like, you don't have shoes. I think I'm in power here. Yeah, that's such a weird thing because if you have the money, then you're, I don't know, I've done, I tried the mail version of that. I tried seeking arrangements one time.

Yeah. I was like, I'll fuck old ladies for cash. But like, I was like, it can't be like, I couldn't be like, the last thing I'd want is to eat an old lady's pussy. then she's like, there's $80 on the counter. I would more be like, okay, let's hang out. And then, you know, also rent is pretty expensive. Like, I kind of want to that way. If it felt so transactional.

You want to, like, move in as she's dying? Yes. But I should have a sick place. It's like, how'd you get this? I was just fucking banging an old lady. Yeah. For a really long time, I kept mixing up seeking arrangements and edible arrangements because I just didn't think about what the words matter.

Yeah, yeah. Like, into my adult life, I was mixing these up. And so my mom would be like, you know, like, your grandma's birthday's coming up. I'm like, oh, yeah, send me. seek an arrangement just without even realizing. And then finally someone corrected me and I thought about

I was like I think I've been making that mistake far too long for this to be the first time that someone's falling out. I made a similar less funny mistake in school actually which makes a little bit more funny. I used to think like freeballing just meant winging it.

Like I'm like in science class one day. I was like yeah I just free ball it and everyone just looked at me like what? And my teacher's like what do you what do you mean by that? He's like, oh, just freeball it, you know? They're like, I don't think you know what that means. I'm like, you know, I'm just like, you know, just winging it.

And they're like, no, that means you're not wearing any boxer. Yeah, yeah. Did you double down and be like, no, you're all wrong? I don't remember. I think you're all freeballing right now and you're getting it wrong. Am I the only one for presentation? Are you like, am I the one freeballing up here? I think it's similar.

I think it's kind of like. Miss Anderson, you free ball sometimes, right? I'm just freeballing right now. And everyone's like, what do you mean? You're just balls are out? I'm like, oh, no. Oh no, they're not. I freeballed for like, I think, almost a decade.

Really? It was, I would never. Just the thought of freeballing right now, make, I, like, it gives me pain. Just thinking about it. Yeah, well, I think what happened was, well, it depends. Like, you know. I freeballed for most of my time in New Orleans. Really?

Because it was so humid, I would just get, I would say, that's such bad swamp. Yeah, you probably did it in Florida. Yeah, because I was like, why don't I wear those shorts under my shorts? Because it's like, you'd have pants? What do you mean? Like, you, like, you're just saying, like, you'd go out. I'd freeball in whatever I was wearing. I'd never do it in jeans.

No, I free balled in jeans. And it wasn't bad. Dude, I know somebody who still wears like boxers, not like boxer briefs, like straight up boxes. Yeah, you got to wear the briefs. It gets bunched up. How can you wear boxers? It's basically a dildo of cotton in your ass. It doesn't do anything.

Yeah. There's no point. Yeah, it's so silly. And then it's like, this is where it changed for me. So I was freeballing all the time. By the way, no socks either. Just like stepping on the backs of my spares, not wearing boxers. my pants wouldn't button for a while

so for my short How did you live like that? Dude, it was insane That's crazy. My peeves were just randomly being hanging out. Yeah, and then just no,

the buttons would break off my pants and my zipper's just up and then occasionally be like, dude, I can see your fucking bush and my god, my bad. And then I was doing stand-up,

dude. In my ex, I was wearing pants one time and she goes, I could literally see the helmet of your dick. And I was like, have I ever been funny

or people just been laughing to the fact you could see my wiener every time I go on. It's the perfect outline of it. It's crazy. Serious dick print. Yeah, I was, I used to argue people. I'm like, why don't I wear little shorts under my shorts?

It's fucking stupid. And then they're like, well, you know, it's... Because I also would wear different shorts every day. So it wouldn't, like, I guess I'd wash them. It's not like I'm getting, you know... Yeah, yeah, no, yeah. It's not... It's not really like a hygiene difference if you're, like, still doing your laundry and stuff.

Right. But people think it is because they're like... Because most people wear the same pants. I mean, I've worn these pants a couple days now, but it's because I'm changing my boxers. Yeah, if you change what's under them, it's fine. Yeah, yeah. Or if you just don't even, like, sweat that much in them or anything.

Like, if you're... Yeah. Yeah. He's never going to come around on this, but... What about no... Is your, uh, are you... Do your parents do your laundry lot, or... No.

The most... Such a mean, I'm sorry. No, no, I do mine. Yeah. What about naked under sweatpants at a strip club? That should be considered sexual harassment. Yeah, I think you should have to... I mean, I don't really go to strip clubs,

but I do think that you should have to... to wear like boxer briefs under or compression shorts or so you got to have a layer between your pants and your dick especially if you're wearing sweatpants yeah i think the rules look you can get hard at a strip club but you got to sit down if you're hard you got to be seated you can't be walking around hard um that would be so you can't just be ordering at the bar full mass like a strip a strip club that's so good that every guy is just bricked up just walking and security he's got like the hardest dick he's just i like don't get hard at him any I mean, I have before, but it's like I don't normally get hard at them.

Just there for the wings. Yeah, it's just there for the wings. They have Cafe Risque, which is a strip club on the way to Florida State. It's like right outside of University of Florida. And we'd always stop by it like on the way. My friends had always been, because I'd always drive to college because it was four hours from Orlando. My friends would be like, do we got to stop. And I was like, next time we go, we'll stop.

And then one time we were like going to our friends. It was like a friend's family funeral. And we just stopped on the way. and then it's like it's so funny because it's open 24-7 they don't serve alcohol because if they serve alcohol they have to be registered or like regulated by the ATF alcohol tobacco firearms bureau so it's just food and there you're going there completely sober and this woman fully naked so just like literally like you're watching an asshole like this woman like would wink her asshole and I went in a carney and he was like this is sad I'm like I think you're sad right now this is fun I'm having a fantastic time I just watched a fat old lady wink her butthole at me this is fun for me. The idea of Cardi walking, I get a strip club and going, these people are throwing their lives away.

He's such an intense guy that's so serious. You're like, it's fine. Look, one time I was there, I did see a woman nodding off on stage on heroin. That was sad. But then you get out of there.

The next performer cheers you up. Yeah, it's, you know. It's like it never happened. Yeah, I could just push that in the back of my brain. Yeah, it's a, I don't know. It's such a varying thing. It's the same with comedy.

It's like the low level of it is very sad. And the high end, you're like, this is pretty cool. Like a high end. and stripper, like, really doing her thing? Yeah. And especially if she seems dumb and happy.

The tough ones are the ones where you're like, she seems really like... If a stripper is happy with their employment, then that's a happy thing. Anyone that's happy with their employment, like, that's like, yeah, go you, dude, that's cool. When I am, what's it called? Like, I am, what's it called when you are anti-foreigners? Xenophobic? With strippers, because... It's actually, I'm morally xenophobic against strippers.

because I go, if they have like a Russian accident, I'm like, well, what are you doing here? Is this some sort of weird thing where they're paying for your grandma to live over there? You know what kind of traffic? Do you want to be here? Do you want to be here? Do you have a choice? Yes. Yeah, okay.

And then, you know, if there, I want somebody who is halfway through filling out a stake application and they were like, I'm just going to show my dad. You're not, you're not xenophobic. You're anti-sex trafficking. That's a very different. Right. That's good. Yeah, but it is.

There's some level of, I, don't want to see it if you're more... Not because of attraction. Some level of, like, the accent is what pisses you off. Yes, because I know what could be behind it. They're not in it for the game. Yeah. You're not in it for the love of the game. Yeah.

Which is why I go black a lot of... They're in it strictly monetarily. You're in it strictly monetarily. Yeah. Yeah. They're in it strictly monetarily. Yeah. Yeah. That's why you're mostly safe going black at strip gloves. Black women. They don't actually love you. No, no, no, no.

But the ones here... They really love... They really fall in love with you. Yeah. They mean it. it when they say it. Yeah, I've had sex with a couple strippers before. Not like at the strip club. Right, you didn't pull it off? No, but like months later, they're like, yeah, I'd love to hang out.

And you're like, you know where? Yeah. Yeah. And they loved you. In love. They meant it. In love. Yeah, it is funny, though, because then you don't know when you go to hang out with one

outside of the strip club, you're like, are you expecting me to pay? Yeah, you are. Do I pay you to hang out? Yeah, yeah. You're like, what do you think this is? Because I think this is a date. But, yeah, and then I call people who used to do it and then don't anymore. But, yeah, it's what it is.

Yeah, I don't know. It's fun. It's got all you guys. We want to talk about how you got ripped again. Oh. Have you gone over this? I've got over this. So many times.

All right. Let's talk about the failed experiment that, like, I text Brandon Barrera every single day. Yes, because I was going to legally change my middle name to fart. And we had it all set up. Now I'm studying to become a UFO investigator. That's my next way to look for. UFO? Yeah.

Have you heard of QFO? No, I'm part of Mufon, though. Yeah, no, I know you're part of Mufon. I was looking into QFO because I didn't want to copy you and enjoy the Mufon. Let's rewind. That's so funny. I was like, I got to find my own UFO thing. Let's rewind.

What do we? What? I'm going to show you some cool things. You start with Mufon. I'm going to look up Kufo. So I'm studying to be a field investigator. I'm going on reels. Shut the fuck up.

This is a real card. Yep. Mutual UFO network? If I become a... Michael Good, you have an ID? Okay. No, if I become an investigator, I get a face with my picture on it. It'll say Michael Good, official UFO field investigator.

But I also have this because I did HR work on a military base. So I have this Department of Defense ID. And I'm like, those two together, if I get the other one, people at a bar will believe anything I say. Like, I could totally just like... You can say what you want. Yeah, I'm going to be like, yeah, no. I've worked on 19 years.

UFOs. There's nothing in Area 51. Area 52, though. Nobody talks about Area 52. Everyone wants you to think there's something going on in area 51, but there's nothing going on there. It's where they first started herpes three. Three miles down, though.

That's how sad. You have a card also, Cam? No, no. This is, Kufo is the center for UFO studies. Good, Michael. It's a, uh, uh, Kufo. Wait, what was your job here? Category U.S. government contractor?

Yep. What did you do? HR work. What? You were like, hiring people? Yeah. Imagine him as like you're an HR person.

I'm like sitting on this podcast right now. I'm like, I'm going to get fired once this gets released and like he was a potential. He was a previous HR employee. Yeah. You know the people. For the government. Yeah.

You know the people who are on the street trying to get you to donate to like the ASPCA and stuff like that? You're doing that for Mufon. Yeah. It's really important. Dressed up as an alien. Like, hey, do you do you have a quick moment to talk about? Yeah. Hey, how's it going?

Those people have amazing people skills. Hey, you look like you love aliens. Do you want to talk about them today? Yeah. Well, and it's also like, from barking, I've, like, known how bad it is to talk to people on the street. Right. Just still have that glimmer in their eyes is, like, amazing.

It would be funny, but like, you don't say it off the bat, but like five minutes into the conversation, which is a long time to stop somebody on the street, then you're like, all right, yeah, so like, this is where we kind of think the UFOs are going. pulling out a map. And you're like, what the fuck? I thought this was like to help dogs. Like, help stray dogs. Dogs are the enemy.

You know, like dogs? No. Uh, yeah. Well, I also, it's so funny too, because I have to find a distraction for the herpes thing.

So I've gone back into aliens because I'm like, this is a bigger, let's look at the bigger picture. And then I'm like, an alien wouldn't care if I had herpes. Like, the aliens will get rid of my herpes.

Dude, I looked up the other day, does Glenn Quagmire have herpes? That wouldn't even affect me. But it would be, I'm like, you know, fictional character.

He's still having sex and having a good time. Like, this is completely insane. Coolest people who have. Who have me. Yeah. I started making up celebrities that don't have it. I'm like, dick, I totally has it. Like, definitely has it.

Tommy Lee Jones, he has it. Definitely has it. Tommy Lee does. Jones. Who did I say? Tommy Lee Jones. What's the difference? Tommy Lee Jones is like the older guy,

kind of like this for men and black. Oh, sorry. No, I meant Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee's like, whey. Yeah, he has it. Yeah, for sure, dude. Yeah.

Those guys were shooting up grain alcohol at some point. They like ran out of heroin and started like injecting alcohol into their veins. That's crazy. You know what they should have? I think it's Jack Daniels actually, you know what they should have in health classes? You know how they have like in like an English class or like just any classroom in like elementary school? They'll have like a list of dyslexic presidents or whatever.

Yeah. They should just in health classes have like presidents who had STDs or something. It just like says each one. I was like low key open with syphilis because it's such a cowboy disease. Yeah, yeah. We were talking about this other night. Yeah. mysterious one. I feel like, I feel like syphilis

fucks you up, though. If you catch it early, apparently you're fine. Which is what most people in the old west, like the wild west, they used to catch stuff early all the time. Right. Yeah. Yeah. They were really on top of it. They're like, ooh, wait a second. No, they would check frequently. I think I'd have my annual check up, huh?

Dude, can you imagine because like there's no health, like what the doctor's office in the West would look like, you're just looking at like a weird, there's going to be such weird shit in fluoride there. There's like a cow's head and like, because you've got to have decorations, but you're are like, yeah, that's a skeleton of a Native American man. Like, they just, it's got to be crazy. All the tools that are using are made of, like, other bones.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's got to be fucking insane. A stethoscope. You're like, yeah, the tube's actually a whales urethra. Yeah, yeah. Can you breathe in for me? That used to use the weirdest shit for shit. Wasn't there like, there's some weird, by the way,

I looked up, like, non-latex condoms. I ever seen what fucking lambskin condom looks like? No. It's disgusting, dude. Why did you look at it up right now? Um, well, somebody that I was hooking up with was allergic to latex, which, uh, yeah, that's why we're in this boat. Right. Yeah, yeah.

Do they not protect against STDs? No, they do. But they just look insane. And they probably feel weird because you're fucking a dead lamb. So it's, you're, you're commuting bestiality and necrophilia, but you're also not getting herpes, I guess. Is that what they look like? Yeah, isn't that odd? I think it has a string at the bottom and you, like, tighten it by a string.

Yeah. Shut up. Yeah, I'm pretty... A string. That looks like a condom you'd see in, like, the National Museum, the History Museum. Yeah. The Museum of Natural History, they just have it laid out on, like, a table with lights on it. Yeah, yeah.

They're like, one guy in 1812 had OCD, so he thought he should wrap a dead fucking lamb around his dick and fuck people with it because it felt safer. He didn't want to catch anything from his partner's vagina. Yeah, so we murdered a lamb and... Saying partner in the medieval exhibit. Yeah. At the Museum of Natural History. Dude, the medieval stuff is so crazy

because you just realize how many serial killers were just using their stuff for other things. They're like, well, you said something bad about the king, so we're now going to kill you the most creative way. Yeah, they really got into, they would have the pull apart machines and like... The Viking, you watch Viking stuff? No, what are they into? I forgot what they called, I think they called it

like bald eagle or a full eagle. They're like put it in, they chop you up with their axe, and then you're still alive and like, they go in the back and they like rip it open. Yeah, and you weren't allowed to You weren't allowed to show pain Or else you wouldn't make it into Valhalla

Oh my God Which is like they're heaven Dude, that's giving the most pressure thing in your movie You might die and then just go to hell You have to like this all the time That's so brutal Were people just more hardcore I don't think I could stub my toe

Without being like Well at some point you gotta go into shock So I think the second half It's probably better Yeah you don't know you're stubbing your toe What? You don't know your stuff Like, they go in knowing that they're going to get ripped apart.

Yeah, they might just go into shock before that even happens. Like, you're not like, I'm going to stub my toe and do that. Yeah, that's true. Well, it's like how don't much people die before they hit the ground, they say, because they have a heart attack. Yeah, yeah, because of the... Really? It's like your body's natural response is that it kills you before impact. That's good to know.

When they say dead on impact, they don't mean, like, died from the impact. They mean, like, dead before. Before impact? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That makes sense. So you're saying Charlie Kirk was so scared of the bullet that he died before getting shot?

That's a silver lining. He saw it coming and went, nope, nope, nope, I'm out. If anyone's doing it, it's going to be me. And then he had a heart attack. Yeah, but definitely cut out the other thing I said. Not the terrible thing I just said. Dude, I started a conspiracy theory here. I want to hear your thoughts on this.

What if the deep state or whatever U.S. government was the one putting fentany on drugs so that we could go to these wars. Kind of would make logical sense. Because they're like, people aren't scared enough of drugs. We can't really do the whole drug war thing. So we have to kind of create something a little scarier. Maybe they didn't invent that and all, but they're like, we could, they're like, look, people are already

cutting, like, oxy cotton with this. Why not just throw it in something? At what point do they step in? I think they step in to hit the high profile drug users. Like, they're not because nobody's going to war, no offense to them, but nobody's going to war for the people that are like on the street

from, you know, overdosing on fentanyl. It's, it's celebrities that are overdosing on fentanyl that they're going to war for. Right, but they're also like, it is. No, there's a bunch of just like normal people who like take a Gazanax and then it's lace with fentanyl. I know, and that's terrible. But they're not on the street though, but like that's the people, I feel that. The high school kids that just like were at a party and it was their last one. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing they go. Yeah, but I don't know. I don't know where they would step in unless they would step in because like

did they step in at the local and like the government shows up to your door and they're like all right here put fentanyol on this I think they just give a guy

a million dollars they go okay sell drugs throw a little fentanyl in there we'll fucking slap you on the wrist when you know some teenagers

dies before prom and then now we can make it a national thing because because that's like nobody really cared when people because people

were overdosing on fentanyol before people start cutting stuff with fent so like fent so like fent so people

nobody are saying people just somebody would just somebody would just like fent yeah they're just yeah The danger came when they were cutting it because they didn't know how much

Right. You know, a kid who, a kid who might Someone with a Xanax addiction might be able to handle two Xanaxes. Yeah, but then if they take two fentanyl, they don't know. Yeah. So that's why the rules you go and you ask for fentanyl

and then they give you something else and you go or they give you, they're like, do you want some heroin? You're like, no, I want fentanyl. They're like, that's the same bag. Yeah, yeah. They give you a bag of weed. They're like, no, I ask you.

for fentanyl. It's in there. It's kind of a package deal. Dude, I knew a guy who knew a guy, so very reliable, who took a shrimp chocolate that had fentanyl and apparently. Shut the fuck up. Why are you lacing that drug with fentanyl? But that's why it's so unbelievable with them. Like, it almost seems like it would make logical sense if you wanted to go to war with

the country to be like, let's, we need to create a bigger like issue here to do this. Yeah. Because nobody cares about drugs. They're not going to be like, you're bringing coke in heroin. Like, nobody really gives it fuck. I never understood. Why would they actually put more fentanyl in, like on the streets rather than just like over report on it and just inflate the numbers? Okay.

Because you could just fearmonger through the news. If you're just trying to do it for like a propaganda sake, you don't have to actually kill more people from it. You can just put the numbers out there. Right. But I don't think it affects people the same way versus like like, like so I have like friends that passed away from fentanyl. And like an accident. Like you took a hydrocode and it was caught with fentanyl. You have more of an effect if you are getting the people because now those people.

Yeah. Like the families and all the things like that. they're now persuaded in a way. Versus like, oh, I heard somebody, like, it doesn't affect people necessarily as much if they just hear about it versus somebody being like, oh, this happened personally. Okay, yeah, yeah, you're saying the first-handedness.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I hope you're wrong because that's just super evil and sinister if that's, like, what's going on. But I also... I never had that thought before today

because, like, nobody can figure it out because they're like, they think it can be a scale issue where, like, people scale out their drugs and the same thing, and they have a little... I just feel like it doesn't make sense. Okay, hold the mic closer.

I think it doesn't make sense. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me. Like, as a drug dealer, like, you want returning customers. But then they're like, it's not the drug dealers. It's, you know, no, still doesn't make sense. And there's, like, ways to test it. Yeah, I test. But also, it's so funny that I'm turning this into an opium den now.

I'm just vaping so much that there's just clouds all about us. We're getting no good clips from this because I'm, they're all. all blurry. It smells good though. It is nice, yeah. Yeah. Can you imagine just like a diffuser, but it's just vates? It's just secondhand nicotine. Oh my god, yeah. It's like, oh, my humidifier,

but it's just like this ongoing vape. They're going to find a way to do that. And it's not going to be like a company that makes it. It's going to be like two Indian guys in like a smoke shop in Greenwich Village that just have like fashioned one. Yeah, they're like, we're like, we're going to be addicted and they come in and yeah. They've taken it. No, I mean, if you just fill like an electric diffuser with

vape juice. It should work. That's it. You're turning into like the scarecrow from Batman where you're just fucking... Doing it to the whole city. Yeah, you're like everybody will be chilled out. Put it in like a daycare.

Yeah. These kids are going to be vapid hard. That's like weird, I guess kind of evil plan, but not that sinister. Well, the part I... It's kind of sinister. No, nicotine and vegetables is how you fix the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thought about this for maybe like 10 years nicotine and celery. That's not a bad. go outside during work so stressed turn everyone into rabbits

there is no reason unless it tastes like shit which maybe it does probably it still wouldn't eliminate cigarettes because vapes didn't eliminate cigarettes

because cigarettes because cigarettes look too cool yeah they have to invent something that looks cooler yeah but vaping vaping definitely there's pros and cons with it

it's like it definitely gets people who wouldn't have smoked anyway But it also definitely, I think, like, stops people or stops people from even starting smoking cigarettes also. Is this a crazy stance to, like, I would rather, if I'm going to be hospitalized for something nicotine or smoking related, I would rather have it be cigarettes or tobacco of some sort or something. Because they've been dealing with that for like 50 plus years.

Like you go in for vapes, they're still just, they're like a decade into that. They're like, we don't know. I guess like what you're saying. But they still haven't like figured. They haven't solved it. No, but they got more stuff to throw at it. Dude, I'm going to officially quit nicotine. This is, I, this is, is it?

This is it. This is wigging you out? No, I'm just thinking about it. I'm like, I just need to make smarter choices now for this herpes scare. And I'm like, these are the things I can control, not getting cancer. Also, financially, it's just going to, like, be a huge burden off. You don't have to spend $20 on a vape all the time. I fully believe that you could just, you're like the type of person that could, like, have a full-on addiction, like, full-on hardcore addiction.

and then one day wake up, I'd be like, nah, I don't want to do it anymore and you just don't. Yeah, yeah, that's kind of what I did with like the... Yeah, they're losing weight. Yeah, yeah, you're like,

I'm just actually, I'm ever going to eat again and I'm just gonna... Yeah. What was your... Sorry, no, it's fine, I'm sorry. So, you... One, it was a bad, so that's funny

as fucked to me. No, you've got up to 225. You're up to 225 now? Oh, I thought it was all muscle. I was like, you're getting dad jack now? Um, I... Being 225 and looking in the mirror and going, dude.

Oh, yeah. You could lift a bus. Yeah. Your main thing was just like calorie deficits. And you're like, okay, I'm just going to run on the treadmill until I burn this amount. And then I'm only going to eat this amount of calories. Why did you went crazy? I literally was like, every week my diet went smaller and smaller.

My exercise increased. And I was doing like crazy shit. Like I was doing like two hours of working out every single day. Additionally, walk around the city and taking it like towards the end, it was like taking 900 calories. And they have like an almond for dinner? Yeah. Like what was your eating habit? it?

Chicken, naked weight protein, egg whites, ground beef, starting with ketchup and then eventually went down to no ketchup, which is salt and pepper on chicken. And then the second I tasted something good, it was amazing, dude. I had, like, peanut butter and oatmeal, and I tasted like a... Amazing. Yeah, now I'm back to I fucking eat shit here and there. But you still, when you were doing that, you were still eating, like, enough, like, I guess,

health-wise, because you were still eating chicken and everything like that. Yeah, so I definitely lost. some probably muscle mass, but not a dramatic amount. And now you kind of look yoked. Yeah, I get freaking air. I think the speed that you lost the weight at is the unhealthy part, though. It was crazy. I saw, I remember.

When we were doing the vlog thing, and then I saw you like maybe like three weeks late, four weeks later. And I'm like, holy shit, bro. That is a big great part because now people might find out of herpes. But they all thought I had AIDS from the weight loss. People are already expectations of the ground. People were really concerned. The AIDS guy? No, it's actually just hurt.

Oh, good for him. Oh, shit, okay. Makes you lose weight, I guess? Yeah. I was just going to say that. Yeah, I got her. Yeah, you want some? Yeah, you got it to myself.

A lot of people were coming up to me and like, I forget who it was at the pair, but they're like, hey, do you see just Michael good at this? I was like, no, but he's right over there. You could ask me, I don't know. I'm not used to his new. face yet, man. I was like, it's the same guy. If you thought,

if you thought, people thought you were, like, more mean because you were just ripped. I was like, he has the same attitude on life, I promise. That would have been so funny for like nine weeks.

Yeah, just a fucking dick. Yo, we're on the lineup. Yeah, we're going to change that. Roid rage, but no roids.

Yeah. I've considered roids, like, not now, but like, I think when I get, not always think about roids. Yeah, when you get like,

not 70, but like 60. That would be kind of sick. I just feel like it'd be hilarious of a, just started taking roids. And I just like show up. I'm like just yoked out of my mind.

And you lied to everybody. You're like, I literally don't even work out. There's a vein coming out of your forehead right now. I just woke up like this one day. I don't know. I feel like it'd be funnier if I just told people straight up. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It would be honest. It's like the rock who's just the biggest fucking liar on earth by saying he's not a roid. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, no,

just roids. For, it's even funnier to say just roids and like no word out routine. I just take them and the muscle skulls themselves. I don't know. It just roids. Dude, also this OZepic makes a lot of people look like shit. Like, I think if you're morbidly, it's good, but a lot of this OZempic face thing

are like, it looks fucking weird. Like, because it's like you don't, you haven't built exercise outside of that, so you just, like, look like. I feel like, I feel like plastic surgery has a lot to do with that. I feel like those people who are on OZempic also probably have lip filler and Botox.

So, like, that helps it out. I don't know, because I feel like, maybe. I don't know. Could be right. Yeah. I don't know. I do think OZemps is good, though. Yeah, I think.

So we always wanted, really. And now that it's out, everyone's like, oh, it's bad. I'm like, we wanted this forever. Yeah, well, and I think, too, there's a thing with people where they're like, it's like, if you're morbidly obese, I heard some comic talking about, they're like, oh, you went on on Exempic. He's like, yeah, I was going to die. You know what I mean?

It's like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, it's no brainer. It's like, yeah. Well, I think, yeah, I think if you're at, like, a morbid level of obesity like that and exercise hasn't worked, dieting hasn't worked. Because there's people that like, yeah, like they will try different diets their whole life and they just can't shed the weight and it's terrible. So like that makes sense. But if you're just like, I don't know, 50 pounds

overweight and you could shed it yourself, like I would hope a doctor would point you to like a few different options before Ozempic. I hope they'd be like, hey man, just like start walking more and eat less French fries or something. Yeah, it'll be fine. You know. And then, and then yeah, If nothing's working, then I get it. But I think the bad thing is just how quickly people are turning to it before trying anything else. I don't want to bring up my bit, but now that we're talking about this, is like, I have a bit where it's like people want diabetes now just to like get prescribed ozempic. So like they go to the doctor, they're like, ah, she's feeling pretty diabetic today. It's like the anxiety bump that happened with, uh.

Feeling pretty diabetic today. the anxiety. Yeah. Yeah, no, I know the bit. No, were you saying the anxiety? It was the anxiety bump that happened when, like, medical marijuana, like, sweep the nation. When everyone was like, yeah, I actually get nervous on airplanes now, Doc. Can't go in the pool in gym class.

I'm allergic to chlorine. Yeah, yeah. I think it's, like, all these things, like, you have vape, you have Adderall, you have a Zempic, and, like, all these new things that are, like, super sick. Like, one makes you a genius. the other one makes you super ripped and vaping is cool. And they're just, the only reason I feel like people say all these things are bad

is because there's no like long-term studies on it. So they just assume it's bad. But then they're going to come out in like 20 years. Like vaping is actually amazing for your lungs this whole time. I don't think that. Or Adderall is amazing. I just like, how can Adderall be bad for you? It's so good.

It's so bad for you. You think so? And there's a giant propaganda behind it. So I've been on it my whole life. I now take it like maybe three times. I would say probably four times a month. I'll take out her all now. Okay.

Which is a good amount. Like, some people I know who take it and they're just like, I'll take it 25, 30 milligram. I'm like, bro, what? Like, I used to take that amount, but then like, now all I need, five milligrams, good enough for me. And you're not overdoing. Yeah, you're not crazy.

And it's like, oh, I feel, you feel it. You never want to be like jittery from it. Yeah. But like 20, I used to take during college or whatever. And now I'm just like, I don't, you don't even need that. No. I could, because now it's like so scarce. I'm like, I'm like,

I'm going to split this into four. Yeah. I took focal in as a kid. What? Is that? It's extended release Ritalin. Yeah. Ritalin,

but like the Vivance of that. It's an alternative to Adderall. It's like the same family of drugs, I think. Why did you take that and not like Vivance or Adderall? Oh, it just worked better for me. Yeah. I feel like Ritalin. I'm just like,

oh, it's just like the Walmart. But because I took it like prescribed through like, I think I stopped in like ninth grade because it was giving me a dry mouth and I was just like, I think I could just try a little harder. in school. But then I didn't, I never, like, did Adderall in college or anything because it just wasn't fun. Like, I didn't, I would just take it and I was like, this isn't, there's no fun behind this. Never took it to have fun. People told me that they were like, oh, I'm going out, I'm going to take Adderall. I'm like, that's the craziest thing. It doesn't make sense to me. Yeah, you say that,

though, but you, like, if you're day drinking and you take an Adderall, it kind of just like brings you back. See, that's when I would just do Coke in college. Yeah, yeah. There was a weird thing, but, like, on the days that I took Adderall in college, like, I would just random, at the end of the day, I'd randomly just crave beer. Yeah. Oh my God. I have beer craved. Not like, not like, because like on days that I didn't take Adderall, like I would have

no tequila or whatever. But then like on the days I took Adderall, I'm like, I want beer. I wonder if that's like a carbohydrates thing. It could be. It could be. It's fun. I was prescribed like a Fugazi prescription by blurt. Yeah.

If I, if I say it out loud, it's funny. That's fuck. But. a plastic surgeon prescribed me with with Adderall So then he stopped And I wanted to keep taking Adderall

So I wanted to get prescribed it So I would go My parents did not want me taking it Getting that out of the baby My parents did not want me taking Adderall So I would go to these doctors Everyone would go to a doctor They immediately get prescribed like that

Yeah there's like those names I got to go to this guy Yeah I would go to the doctor And my mom would walk in with me and then the first thing my mom would say to these doctors is addiction runs in our family. Oh, what a buzz kid? Yeah, I'm like, what the fuck, mom?

And now she's mad that I'm not like a lawyer doctor. I'm like, well, could have been. Could have been. Could have been. Could have been. Would not have been on Michael Good's couch right now, probably if you prescribe me at all. Yeah, it would be a better place. Yeah, it wouldn't be talking about sucking your own herpes weener. Yeah.

Your fault. The thing that really pissed me off was when kids would take it. Kids who didn't need to take it would take it before like the SAT or AC2. or whatever. Yeah. Because I was like, just, like, what? Just don't. I don't know.

Like, why does, why do you care that much? What do you mean? It would, because it's just like, I don't know, if you're, if you're doing fine on your own, you don't, like, don't fucking take it. Because I'm someone that needed it and wasn't taking it. I mean, what are you talking about? Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know. That was just always the thing that pissed me off was when kids were like scrambling to find Adderall before an ACT. And I'm like, look, man, you're either fucking stupid or you're not. That is fair, yeah. Yeah, but it's a smart pill. Like if you're going to take a test that, like, determines the course of the rest of your life.

Like, oh, maybe I'll take a smart pal. Maybe it's just that I didn't like anyone I went to high school with. That might have been instead. Highly possible, yeah. I like, like five kids from my high school. Yeah. Yeah. They know who they are.

Yeah, I like all of them. Genuinely, I think there's, like, very few people I don't like from high school. You love them all? I love them all, dude. Yeah. All in the ones in jail that you're, you know, there's a guy I'm going to have. I'll be nice to all them when I see them. I hope they're doing well, but, like, I didn't, I didn't like them in high school.

Were your high school is big? Yes. So mine, my brother's class was 900 graduating. Wow. Nice. Mine was the highest incoming freshman class in the lowest graduating senior class.

Okay. Whoa. Yeah. You weeded them out. Dude, they would talk about our grade. They're like, you are the fuck up great. You guys are fucking nuts. And we're like, yeah.

That's what they never realized. If you tell that to a 16 year old, they think that's the coolest thing ever. Yeah. We're like, dude, we are the fucking baddest motherfuckers. We're crazy than you'll ever be. Yeah. How big was yours?

1200 in the whole high school. So each class was like 300. Okay. Not crazy big. Not it's probably like... Each class would be like 50-ish kids bigger than the one before it. But then same thing. Like kids would get weeded out.

Yeah. I don't know if mine was like 600 a grade. Not definitely in a 900 grade. That's crazy. I always thought... I think we were like... Oh, you were just... Yeah.

That's still big. Yeah. I don't know if mine was like five to 600 maybe. Like a lot of people that I know that went to other schools were a lot smaller. So, like, they would ask me these questions. I'm like, I don't know. Like, high school wasn't like that. There's just like so many different types of people. Yeah. Like, there's just some random person in my grade. I haven't like barely spoke to you. Yeah. Well, and then my, I was so wrong about the racial makeup of my high school. I was like,

my high school was like half black. Not even close. I looked at the stats. I was like, dude. I was like, see, like there's a lot of them to me. No. But like, but I was just like in my mind. I was just like, yeah, this got to be half. And then I like, look at the stats is like 9%. I'm like, oh, yeah, that was not even remotely accurate. Are you just lumping other minority races? Anything that's not white in high school? You're like, that's black, yeah. I think Orlando particularly, it's like a lot of outside of whites, Puerto Ricans, pretty common.

Yeah. Probably like, I was probably like equally split between like four, like Jew, Italian, Indian, Asian. Yeah, yeah. And then like maybe three total black people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was like a pretty high Latino population. at my high school. What did you?

Rochester? No, I grew up in Westchester. Like northern Westchester. Yeah. What's also interesting? Does he give Rochester vibes? I don't know the difference. Oh, there's...

Rochester's like way more rural. Rochester's like near Buffalo, like... Yeah, you probably know Rochester better than me. Yeah. I used to run at Rochester Community College for like indoor track we'd have to run in there. You used to? Huh?

You used to? Yeah, like in high school, we would compete there. You'd go all the way up there? Yeah, we'd go up there. to compete. And then it was just like the worst track ever. Yeah,

it just sucked. And your lungs would just die from breathing in like the dry gym air. Upstate New York is horrible. Yeah, that was the other thing. I would drive,

we would drive up there and I was like, damn, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what you do. That's where I went to school. You go to upstate New York,

I'd always say it's like, it's the before, you know, the Clared and Clear commercial. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's the before.

It's the before. It's the before part. Upstate. Western New York is like the before part of Clarede and Clear commercial. I get living in the middle of nowhere, but why is that the middle of nowhere that you would pick? What? Upstate New York. Oh, upstate New York.

Buffalo makes sense because you're near the lakes and stuff and like there's water there. Rochester makes less sense. That's what I mean. Yeah. I also, I hate to do this. We got to wrap up. No, really? I need to wrap up more.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, bye. We'll find you guys. They find you guys. I'm on Instagram and TikTok at Cam Stafford Comedy, and I'm on YouTube. I think you can just look up Cam Stafford. Please don't find me after this. Yeah, no.

You can find me on Instagram, Yoskow. Yosk, oh, whoa, whoa. And listen to the... Look, Mom, look at this new podcast I was on. Listen to the third episode to find out which herpes I have because the first test was inclusive. So keep cliff hanging. Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.