Morning Good - Gonzo Journalism - Episode 278

Episode Date: July 27, 2025

Zach Russell and Andrew Manning join the show for today's episode. They talk about sharting yourself, the new Hunter Biden interview, and cracking the Hinge algorithm.Thanks to Zach and Andrew for coming back on the show. Check them both out on previous episodes and hit their links down below for more. Zach is on Instagram @zachrussellcomedy and co-hosts the Overshadowed Podcast. Andrew is on Instagram as well @andrewmanthing, and hosts a show the last Tuesday of every month at @grove34nyc in Astoria.  As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. We're here with Zach Russell and Andrew Manning. That is why you say that, isn't it? Yeah, that's why I say that. I only say that a handful of times in your life. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, this might be the only last time you guys are seeing.

scene together. Whoa. It might. I don't know. Maybe. Do you think anybody's ever done a podcast and murdered the guest? Yeah. Definitely.

Probably like a black metal one in Norway or something just to prove their... Oh, that's so cool. You know what? Like mayhem. I feel like black metal, also one of the Tiger King people, I could see doing that. Yes. Like doing an interview podcast or something and then just... And then Carol Baskin's nephew disappeared off the face of the earth.

Yeah, yeah. I remember the first time I heard about, what kind of black metal did you say? Norwegian. Norwegian. Yeah, it's funny too, because I remember, like, I used to, my cousin, he was really in a metal and he talked about, like, Satanism and music. And he'd be like, no, no, all the Satanists in here, they're not legit. You go to Sweden and Norway. That's where the legit Satanists are. Yeah, they're hanging up, like, deer skulls in the woods. It's so cool. Yeah. It's, I don't know. It doesn't, it doesn't scare me because I don't believe in Satan.

So, like, whenever anybody's like, this guy worships the devil, I'm like, yeah, that's basically like you saying he worships diarrhea. I'm like, this isn't a real thing. You don't believe diarrhea exists? That is a good point. It's very real. The greatest trick diarrhea ever pulled was convincing you it was a fart. That is true.

That's a fucking merch. That's a shirt. Diarrhea might be more conniving than the devil. Oh, yeah. It might more evil. When's the last time? Here's a good topic at the gate. When's last time you shit yourself?

Last month? Last month. Me too. Yeah. Yeah. We have been sitting together. We were probably staring at the same moon. Ruining our cousin's couch.

I wonder if he's out there shitting. Yeah. What happened to you? What happened to me? I don't know if it was related, but I had Chinese food the night before. And then I felt fine. I was walking. And I'm like a leave early guy.

if I have to go any great distance. Like, if I'm taking something other than a subway or a bike or whatever, like in Metro North, the fucking car plane, I leave early, I sharded, like, two blocks from my house. Oh, walking. Walking towards the subway.

And I was like, first of all, holy shit, I feel fine. And I just thought I had a fart. And then just literally, like, froze midstep. Like, I was about to do a flash mob from back in the day. And I went home and showered. And I was just like,

that was the least consequential shart of all time. Yeah, because it's almost like your biggest fear is you're like, I hope I don't shit my pants. Like in my mind, I'm like, this is just the ultimate bad. I mean, of course, dying is pretty bad, but I'm saying like, in my mind, like, I've had it where I'm like... That's why I'm afraid of dying, though, because you do shit.

Right, yeah, because eventually there will be shit in my pants. And then you meet Satan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That seems like... And he makes you eat it. Ew. I don't like this guy. Well, it's funny, too, because, like, this is a question, was it free? Because I have, this is, you asked me, I have not share myself in so long. Good for you. And it's so wild because I'd take crazy chances. I get fingers on my ass. I eat garbage.

I mean, like, if you looked at my diet, dude, there's days that I take an Adderall, a Celsius, creatine, Taco Bell, and I still have never shit. So I'm saying once it comes out and you're, I like that I'm saying that like I'm interviewing, like a politician. So, Andrew, when the shit comes out of your asshole and hits the pants, is there a moment where you're like the worst has happened and it wasn't that bad? That's interesting. I love that you're doing like crisis counseling terminology. Like, well, I made it through hell.

I made it through hell once. Do it again. Best thing to do is keep walking. Yeah, that's what I wonder like if you get a little bit of shit out. Have you just clear the tank and you go. Jesus Christ. No way. What a move.

I'm not sure. I'm not going to just squat in the street. Yeah, that's true. All the way. Were you wearing shorts, by the way? Or pants? I was wearing long pants. Okay. Yeah.

Contained. Yeah. It's called containment. I didn't even have to put my coffee down. I just like went back home, turned right around, went back home, showered. Oh, you were on the way to an event. I was on the way to an event. Oh.

I was two blocks from my house. Yeah. I thought you're walking towards your house. No, I was able to turn around, shower change, and still leave and make it to my shit. Nice. Yeah. What was a lot of event was it? Like, what was it?

It was a show. in Connecticut. Oh, do you think it made you, did it have any effect in your performance? I think it did. I didn't have a good set. Yeah.

Yeah. I think I shot out my good comedy energy that day. Like Austin Powers Mojo. Yeah, yeah, you just lost it. Well, it's also a thing I wondered, too.

I don't even check these. Can you guys both talk real quick? Yes, talking. We're talking. Yeah, we're good. Diarrhea, diarrhea. OCD?

I wonder, that was OCD right there, yes. But I wonder, too, if, like, I don't know, like, in my mind, when you shat yourself I keep saying this Charlie Rose this is a serious interview Well now when you shat yourself

What did you think about your relationship To your father in that moment Or did it come to you later? Go ahead of Andrew Because my mind I'm wondering Did it actually affect your sense of self Because I don't weigh more embarrassing things Than shit myself

But I just haven't happened to shit myself In so long Like were you like who am I Or are you just like this happens to everybody? It definitely is embarrassing. I didn't tell anybody about it for like a month. Yeah, yeah. Like, I recently just started being

open about having chat. Here's the thing, by the way, and I want to let you go because I've been hogging the shart talk, but it is Shark Week, by the way. Did you know that? We have Shark Week on the podcast. I don't know if this comes out. No, I didn't realize that. Yeah, Shark Week, and now we have Shark Week. Yeah. It's not a full

shitting of the pants, and that is something that I think should be delineated. Yes, you're right. I didn't shit my entire pants. It's like a liquidy kind of thing. I think I've, you sprung a leak. There was a leak and then the orifice clamped down on that shit

and didn't let anybody else through until it was fine. This is annoying, though, when you get home and then go to shit and then not a lot else comes out and you're like, I know this all would have come out if I was on the subway or something shit. Like now that I'm on the toilet drying, you guys don't want to come out? Yeah. You guys. Yeah.

Now you're in a bit of a stalemate. Yeah. But yeah, if the Titanic had the anuses in the holds, it might not have sunk. Yeah. Because you're right. I heard about this.

It's really, yeah, that's a big theory floating around among the engineering community. Yeah. I have had the, I never, as I haven't shot myself in a very long time.

Yeah. But I've had the where you hit the toilet seat so hard that it's like a ketchup bottle. Like it's like the second, you know what I mean? The second your ass is just like, it just drops out of you. Yeah.

It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, there's just a different kind of gravity. Sometimes mine gets stuck and I got to shove a fry up there. Yeah. To loosen it.

Get a butter knife to clank around inside there. You got to hit the Heinz 57 logo. No, sometimes I just go like that on the toilet and try to tap it off. Pat my stomach. I was also betrayed by the East. I ate some Indian food. Betrayed by the East.

I was betrayed by the East. Yeah, but not as far as you. But yeah, I thought they were allies. Turns out I'm rooting for Pakistan. Yeah. Yeah, I ate Indian. I don't, but you can't trace it back exactly to what it was, but you have a pretty good idea. I went to Minnesota.

I ordered Indian food, something I thought that state was known for. Right. Of course, yeah. It's not. It was, I think it's the ghee, the ghee butter. Like, it all tasted good, but I think that ghee butter can go rancid. This is what somebody told me in Minnesota. They had their own theories about why Indian food fucks you up.

Again, something Minnesotans are known for is understanding other people's cultures. Yeah. Well, at least how dairy. affects the body. I'll get a little racist if I get like a diarrhea from like an ethnic food just for like a brief I start thinking I'm like oh just because your body can handle it you think everybody else's can't yeah because because that is kind of what happens is like every culture has like different food preparations and their bodies are used to certain different things so like in my mind for a second I'm like you should have see my white ass and been like we're going to make sure this guy doesn't have diarrhea well that's the problem door dash

they can't see my white ass so they have no idea who they're delivering it to maybe there's a little picture of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I should really make it clear that I'm white. Did you make a profile pick for your door down? No, I don't know if it's like attached to my LinkedIn or something. I don't know. Maybe I should, then they'll know, I'll know I'm white if I link it to my LinkedIn. Yeah. But I was on my cousin's couch. I was like staying with her doing some shows, and I was just sitting there and I farted. And it felt like my ass blew a bubble, you know? Yeah, yeah. It might have. I had some hubba, Bubba Macs. And nothing got on the couch. I even went back and like sniff the couch to make sure there was no permeation. I've also sniffed your cousin's

couch. Yeah. Yeah. You know, something's never changed. Yeah. Did it when I was a kid, still doing it. Yeah. Then I went to the bathroom, showered off. Yeah, that's, but I was, you know, we were both in pretty low stakes environments. I wasn't at like a bar mitzvah or a bris or any other Jewish man. You shit your pants and a little foreskin comes out. Just, yeah, I wasn't at my wedding chair, it rockets out. Probably the worst time to shit yourself is during the horror. What's that? Talking about Jewish events, when they pick you up on the chair.

Oh, I just saw one of those. Yeah, imagine, dude, everyone underneath. Oh, my God. Yeah, it comes out like someone's got their thumb over a hose nozzle. Goes out laterally, gets the whole wedding. And I yell at them, do not put me down. This is my big day. Yeah, yeah.

Honey, you shit, too. Push it out. Push it out, bitch. Push that shit out. Sickness and health. I also shit myself on my cousin's couch one time. It was truly an awful time. I was like in my late teens

visiting my cousin and I was getting sick. I had like just flown. And you know how sometimes you just get a stomach bug when you fly. I was coming down with something and I was still young enough to be like, I mean, how much worse am I going to feel if I get fucked up? Oh, by the way, I still do that.

I will do that now. Dude, I will be like, you're like, the alcohol will kill it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have had it where I got drunk and then it just kind of goes away. Yeah. But sometimes I'm just sick for seven days now. And I'm like, well, it must be allergies if it's lasting this long,

but it's really because I've been drinking. Yeah. You just reset your body's immune system with drinking. Yeah, so I got horribly sick and, like, was shivering on her couch. And I remember sharding similarly on her couch and just being, fucking mortified because I think I was just in like my underwear under the and just yeah I was like is this on because like you know when it's on your underwear and so there's no shit on the other side but it's wet all the way through yep and it's like that wetness came from shit so that has to have

an odor of course did that odor get on her surfaces and uh it did a thorough sniff test it was like i was a drug dog did you get any did you get a scent I don't remember what I did with her. I think I, like, just folded it up in a strategic way to conceal it deep in the core of... Because I don't think I smell anything, but I was like, I smell it in the room. Yeah, so it's hard to tell if it's... Well, the hardest is summertime because your ass sweats and you're farting, and then your farts feel wet, so you're like, am I shitting? And you check every time and you're fine.

It's constant struggle. Yeah. I think the most... One of the real embarrassing things similar to this was when I was in college or a high school, I went to visit my brother in college. It was probably like 15 or 16, and I went out drinking with him, and I was staying with my family in a hotel, and I was sharing a bed with my dad, drenched, blacked out, like, shut. 15 years old, blacked out sleeping next to your dad?

Head to toe or head to head? Did your dad condone this behavior, or was he pissed? Me sleeping with him? I mean, I don't think it was his favorite thing. He liked to get me drunk before that, actually. No, no, so I resisted a lot more if there was no alcohol involved. Right, yeah. What's a financial thing?

You know, you're 15, you're like, I'm not getting two beds or two beds or two. two rooms. Yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the thing. Him, you being drunk. That's the thing. Oh, was, you down where you being drunk? He was like one of those things where he probably thought I was going to go and drink a little bit with my brother. And I, whenever I'd visit my brother in college, I would get

so fucked up because I wanted to show where I could hang. So, like, next thing you know, dude, you're in, like, a fraternity house with a bunch of, like, bros, and you're like, you want to rip the bong? You're like, I've never said no to a bong once. And it's the worst decision every time, because you're just so fucking high and you're, like, dying while

you're just looking at some fucking frat guy. Anyways. Yeah, and your head just feels like it's constantly turning a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't know, the best is you're like, the one thing when you're really high is you're like,

am I around good people? And then you're like trying to, you're trying to figure out if these are good people or not. Yeah, if they would have my back, if something does happen. Yeah. And then I remember it was just like, dude, I was just so drunk and I, the bed was covered in piss.

And my dad just like, so, did you get hammered last night? Did you pee the bed? and if I say I got hammered, then I get grounded. So I have to just look like a pussy and be like, I don't know what happened. I just peed the bed as a 15-year-old. And it was just, there was no winning.

So I was like, I would rather be embarrassed with my dad than grounded. Because I guess I don't really, now I care more about what my dad thinks of me. I don't think then I really care. Well, then wouldn't he be like, all right, now we've got to take you to the doctor to figure out what's wrong with your bladder and your psychology. No, it was one of those un, like he couldn't prove that I was hamper, which is crazy because it was like, I was stumbling.

Because you tried to fuck your dad. You're like, come here, sweetie. I think it's because I snuck into the hotel room. Like, he was probably passed out. I snuck in the hotel room. So it's the next morning, so he can't prove that I was drinking. Yeah. He's just like, all right, well, I think you were drinking.

I hope you were fucking drinking, but I can't get you on this. It's like a technicality kind of thing. Maybe he paid the bed and... Maybe he pissed on you to teach you a lesson. this is what happens as you go drink discovered the bed he's like Michael this is disgusting

this is why you don't drink alcohol yeah yeah well he was like one of those things were like I think when I was 15 16 like he like yeah I don't know he just accepted

that I was gonna drink I don't know and I don't know he would get my back sometimes I remember just being like hammered talking to my mom and she's like he's clearly drunk and he's like I don't know

you're talking about he seems fine interesting I love that having your back equates to like not parenting you Yeah. He just was like, yeah, sometimes my dad would have my back. I'd be buzzed and try to drive. And he'd be like, yeah, all right. I think you're good He'd be a real bro about it, my dad Yeah, yeah, he wasn't a buzzkill

Yeah Yeah, well I think for me it was like They just like accepted I mean I was doing drugs and drinking like really early So like as long as I wasn't doing anything Is it, I was doing well in school And like they were like Okay well like

And then they would drug test me And they'd be like all right This would be just to make sure you're not doing it too often And then I would like They would drug test you And it's hoping you'd find moderation I assume Yeah that's a funny move to just

OSHA test you every once in a while like you fucking operate a forklift or something. Well, the thing is, this is actually what they said. They said that they drug test to me, so I had an excuse to say no to drugs to my friends, which is really silly because it's like, I want to do the drug. It's not like I'm sitting there like, oh, I hope I don't get peer pressure. I was like, I remember building my first bong. Like when I was, I was like so excited about it with like the smart water bottle.

Like, no part of me was like, let me impress other people. Yeah. Besides, I mean, the bong rips the fraternity house. but like, I hope you have a kid one day and he buys a bong and you're like, you know, when I was your age, I used to build these. Yeah. I'd take them apart, put them back together. I would smoke lots of tinfoil that I thought was fine because it covered the plastic. I was like, yeah, the tinfoil is fine to smoke out of because, yeah.

Is it not? It's definitely not. But I don't know if flakes come off because tinfoils, you put a baked potato in the oven with tin foil. That's not causing cancer. And also you smoke, you're not smoking. Yeah, it's not good for you. You're really not. It's like burning tinfoil is apparently can.

give you Alzheimer's. I don't know how they decided that. God damn it. I did that for years. Dude, crack and smoking heroin is literally not even that bad for you. It's just the aluminum boil. Well, I... Shut the fuck up. Dude, I just... This is the Hunter Biden interview. It's funny. That was fucking awesome. I listened to it for the 10th time. It's like the first time. You guys listen to that. I love how every sober guy has to have like a yarn wristband. Why is that a thing? Yeah. Sober guys have like funny accessories sometimes. Yeah. Well, they make it on a retreat and that means something, you know. Right?

It sounds about right. Yeah. Yeah, they're still drug addict idiots. Sure, of course. It does, it is like as bad of a look as being weathered from heroin. Yeah, it's having a fucking camp bracelet as a 35 year old. Yeah. It's like, do you need three of them?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or a rubber band. A rubber band is a common one. Yeah, yeah. They can snap it whenever they have like a bad thought, which is like that's how that works. I think so. And that harkens back to, like, the bad old days of insane asylums and shit. It's like, bad thought, get out, bad thought, get out, bad thought, get out.

That's also a slippery slope to cutting yourself. It is. When the rubber band doesn't do it anymore. I need more. Yeah. That's wild. The drug addict mentality. Yeah.

I also, I didn't know. And then you start putting a choke collar on yourself and just yanking it every time you have an urge. That's how Michael got started. That's how I got started. I know, I've never done autoerotic asphysecation, but it seems like it could be fun. Have you guys ever tried it? I'm not into losing breath. I like all the breath I have.

One time a woman in high school did choke me I don't like it. It was very hot. I don't like it. Fucking crazy. She was like taller than me. I had like giant tits wearing a closet. Was she older than you? No, but she was like so much taller than me.

She started choking me all right. I mean, I was like, this is fucking awesome. Nice, dude. She choked you and just held you up against the door. You're not even, you're fully clothed. I told you. I don't have any more lunch money. Yeah.

I don't realize it, but she's using the force on you. She's just across the room, lifting you up, throws you to the side. Dude, I didn't even think about that. Comes in a fucking... Yes, absolutely. A heap on the floor. Dude, fucking Anakin's probably a fucking sex master with that fucking force. I was just thinking...

But it's got to be hard when he's like, I use the force to have sex. They're like, no, no, no, no. I could sensually use the force. It wasn't by force. It was... With force. The is key. Yeah.

The force. Yeah. Do you think that the force helps you with that? or does the force only do things that you know how to do? Like you can't just be like, force, stimulate her clitoris. You have to, in your mind, be like, okay, this is what the force is doing. Almost like it's your hand, but invisible. You know what I mean?

Yes. It's not helpful. It's only, besides long distances. Like, I guess the force could be helpful if you're doing like a threesome with another guy and you don't want to touch, but you want to kind of jerk him off with the force? If it's gay, then I'm fucking a homo because I've got a couple of those recently. No, no, no. I'm asking, I'm not as it also.

good for you. Also, yeah, that's fine. Yeah. That's actually sick. Awesome. It is sick. It's disgusting. Please just not talk about what we do off the podcast. But I guess, you know, sorry to catch you up, but like, you know what I mean? Like the distance, like that would be the only useful thing because the whole point of the force, I think, is so you could be far away while doing something, right? Well, you could be out to dinner, you know, and instead of having one of the remote control things, you do a little force under the table. But it would be wild if you were trying to do it, and she was like, a little lower.

yeah yeah yeah and you're like oh shit sorry because normally when you're down there you can't really see her facial reaction it's like oh shit did you just roll your eyes yeah your eye to eye with her she's like checking her text on her apple watch she's just staring at the fucking sexy waiter i know it yeah that's why you use the force so you can fucking keep your eye on her yeah she's not closing her eyes going somewhere else you had something spicy you were going to say and no yeah is it uh so this is not i don't actually care but i think it's a funny hypothetical. Do you think it's got to be less gay than using your actual hand to use the force to jack a guy off?

Right? Yeah. Well, there's always the argument of the, what is it called? Dutch rudder. Dutch rudder, right? You grab a guy's wrist and jerk him off that way. I immediately, I've been thinking about it all day, actually. That aluminum foil's not gotten to you that much.

Yeah, I also, like, I'm kind of exhausted with people asking me if something's gay, because I've done the most borderline gay things that have any straight guy. like, I banged a train's lady. I've been pegged. I'm not the guy to ask these questions, too, because clearly my perception is way off. No, you can still answer whether something is gay. Well, but I don't think any of those things are gay. Oh, I see. Which are things that most people consider gay.

I think I'm 100% straight. So, like, this conversation, like, people are like, is this gay? I'm like, I don't know because clearly my perception of this is different. Well, yeah, let's, if we abstract, is getting something in your butt gay. That's the real crux. I've always said there's a couple kinds of gay There's gay as in like that's lame There's gays and that's homosexual

There's gay as in like That is homosexual Homorrah-esque yes So like for example Like Zach Snyder movies are gay Because they're a bunch of shirtless guys And they're zooming in on the abs and stuff like that

I think that They're gonna show this clip by the way In classrooms all over America For teaching kids what gay is Yeah this is gonna be in health class Yeah All right so Zach Snyder is lame No no no no no

he might be gay and gay. Sure. It is gay in a lame way and it's also gay in like a homoerotic. Like, Superman is a piece. Superman's very attractive. But the new one, they kept that shirt on the whole time. Well, Zach wasn't in charge.

Exactly. Zach was in charge, dude. Oh, my God. We get full frontal. It's crazy. I mean, you watch 300, two years. Laser comes out of his peels. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, Superman's load has to be able to cut a woman in half. Absolutely. Yeah. Penetrate mountains. Yeah. Yeah. They don't.

It's got to be like the laser vision of that x-ray guy or the X-Beng guy. Yeah, he's always got a fucking condom on. To cryptone condoms. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Take it off, babe. I'm really not comfortable with that. Yeah, you destroy it.

Don't worry, I have an IUD. It's not enough for what I'm going to be shooting. She takes it off without realizing it just gets blown to smithereens. Turn to confetti right in front of him. He also just, I guess he just like, yeah, it's always an argument. even a student man where he doesn't know his own path. You know what I mean? It's like I don't know how he's not just knocking people over constantly.

Like when he goes to hug somebody, how he's not like killing old ladies and stuff like that. I'm sorry to cut you off. You were embarking on a treatise about the definitions of gay. This one might be different. So there's gay in a way that like something resembles homosexuality but isn't gay. I mean, getting something in your ass resembles homosexuality.

Like getting peg. Yeah. So it is gay and that way. But it's not actually homosexual. It's not like the first kind of gay. Yeah. Well, there's a thing called gynosexual, which is where you're attracted to things that are feminine,

but those things could have penises on them. Okay, so, like, a funtari. So if somebody's into, like, chicks with dicks that's called gyno-sexual? Huh? If somebody... Yes. If someone's into... Like, if I had to pick a word for myself,

I think that's what it would be. Okay. Because I would, yeah, I would be with a hot lady who has a penis. Dude, here I am, like, nervously talking about things. I don't know why you're nervous. I realize I'm sitting with a real queer over here. And I can just be myself. Michael beats you up,

kicks you out of his house. Get out of here! Turns the hoses on me. No, well, it's, yeah, okay, so like, you're into chicks with dicks. Well, not exclusively. Right, but that, like, yeah, that makes sense. But yeah, that makes sense.

You like hamburgers, right? You wouldn't tell you're into hamburgers. Exactly. You eat them on, like, a special occasion. Yeah, I don't have them every day. Exactly. It's not healthy. It's against God.

Yeah. It's against God. It's against God. It's against some. Just like chicks of dicks. No, well, this is my thing. I'm not sexually attracted to women with penises. I've seen it.

I've heard about it. I've smelt it. You had sex. Have you dealt it? Yeah. No, no, the trans woman I had sex had a vagina. Oh. Yeah.

No, I've said too much. Yeah. I assume she had a penis. No, no, this is how... Oh, now it's gone from commiserating to just admitting. No, no, no. This is how, this is like the most gay part of the couch, and then we get a little less gay. You're right.

Andrew is the straightest-ish-old-ish-old-ish-old-ish-ish-old. This is the kinze scale. presented on a sexual. This is a gay ass couch, too. This is a gay couch. I'm the straightest man on your couch. Yeah. This is a fucking very gay couch.

Yeah. But the thing is, I think for me, it's like, I'm not attracted to do a woman with the penis. It just doesn't do it for me. But it's interesting because. Let me tell you this, though. I made out with this lady, this trans lady who had a penis. And the most gay, uncomfortable part of it was that she, I think, had shaved 12 hours ago on her face. And I felt a little of the stubble.

I'm like, It's so weird. Yeah. That was weird. That weirded than the penis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. No, I get that.

Yeah. Yeah. A stubble is like a bucket of ice water on your head. Like, it's, it doesn't even, it's not going to hurt you, but it shocks you into the moment. It's not sexy. I don't even think it would be sexy for a girl to feel that. That's, like, I have it right now where it's just beyond that point where it's like can actually be painful. You know what I mean?

Right. But if a lady and a lot are just attracted to men, they like men, they like this, you know, kind of scent of man. A little stubble. That to me is like an ath. I can't do it. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Well, I think for me, it's tough.

I like dolphins with penises. Absolutely. Seals. There is a subreddit for you, my friend. Yeah, I bet. It's probably exactly that. Just dolphins of penises. Yes.

But what I was going to say was, I love always pause, like I'm getting interrupted on a serious discussion. I'm just... Yeah. Let's make sure we hit all the notes. Gather your thoughts, Michael. The thing is,

I don't, I have a fear of not experiencing things before I die. So I'm unattracted to women with penises. But in my head, I'm like, there's just one less flavor of ice cream I didn't try. You know what I mean? There's like, there's that little thought that I'm like, how am I going to be a full comedian? Yeah, but it's also. And I feel that I would say way about like, look, I don't think I'll ever fuck a dude. I'm not attracted to men anyway.

But you're like, that would be material. You're like, that would be more knowledge in life if I had sex with a man. Or if I took a, look, this is crazy. I would never do it. State of comedies and shambles. Fucking dudes for material. Michael's like, anything but sit down

and write a fucking joke. Well, it's like, I think about the same thing about like getting divorced. I'm like, I don't, we don't want to get divorced,

but I'm like, it's such a, there's so many things that you're like, oh, damn, like, I mean, dude, this sounds crazy. I'd never fucking kill a guy,

but you're like, you wonder what your, like, perception of reality is once you've done that. You could find a way to legally kill a guy. I'm sure of it. But I wouldn't want,

like, I don't, I feel the same way about having sex with men and killing guys. I don't want to do it and I don't want to disappoint God. But you do want to watch it on LiveLeak every once in a while. Exactly. Yeah. Just to remind myself, I'm not into it.

Watch a man get shot or two dudes fucking ago. You're like, oh, okay, yeah, I don't know. Oh, wow, I'm still scared of the cartel. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But do you get them? Like, does anything that make any sense? Yeah, absolutely.

It's not, I don't want this experience. But in my mind, I'm like, I wonder what... Your adventurous. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly, yeah, yeah. My girlfriend's like that with ice cream flavors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. She's like, we were getting ice cream one time,

and she was like, there was a purple flavor that I never in a million years would have touched. It's called Ube. Do you know about Ube? Ube? No. No? I didn't either.

So, this is her trying to sell me on it. She was like, yeah, I know it's purple, it's called something weird, but guess what? It's a sweet potato flavor. Oh. And I was like, that doesn't help. That makes it seem even worse. Why is this in an ice cream shop?

And then I tried it. It was fucking good. So I guess what I'm saying, Michael, you need to take that extra step into the unknown and bang a dude. You need to find a man named Uba. Because Andrew has a killer closer right now about Ube ice cream. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, man. It'll give me five minutes. No, I talked about this last episode, but last time I did a threesome. I high-fived the guy to do an Ival tower, when he locked fingers with me. And it was not for me. Like, it was a thing where I was just like,

that moment hit and I was like, I would just, I'm not into dudes. Locked eyes. What's up? No, no. But I was always like,

locking fingers makes her for me mentally disappear. Now it's just us. I'm having more sex with this guy. You're having more sex with him. This is more intimate than this. Locking fingers, I was about to say, locking fingers is so special.

Yeah. Especially if you're facing someone, like, you can do this holding hands, but this is like, that's bad. Disney movie shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Crazy intimate. Yeah, and I was just like, like, I've always been like 98% sure I was straight. But everybody has like a gay thought. Like, this is one I'll have. You see like a hot guy. Sure. And you're like, I want to be friends with that guy. And I want that guy to think I'm cool.

You know what I mean? You're like, you're like, I want that guy in my friend group. Your friend gay. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I also like, I'll go too far. Now that I lost weight, I'm talking to other hot guys like were the same. Like, I was at a bar.

There was a guy who's like just jacked out of his mind. This is like in Orlando. And I'm like, dude, we're just a couple fucking hot guys going for pussy. And it's like, this guy is significantly better looking at me. But, yeah, I don't know. You were in the club. You're in the club now. How did he respond to it?

Yeah. Did he say that to him? Yeah, I was like, you were just too. Pussy getting kids. He didn't put me off. He didn't tell me I wasn't. Good, good. Okay, but did he tell you were?

He was like, yeah. No, no, no, he was just like, all right. All right. Okay, okay. Thanks. He looked like fucking, you know Jerry O'Connell. You remember that guy? Kangaroo Jack, like the main guy in that.

Oh, yes. He's in a, what is it called? Stone or Bash in time. And a dude, where's my car? Okay. I don't know. Yeah. Kangaroo Jack is attractive.

Remember the boobs in that movie? That was awesome. What? Well, there's like implied boobs. That was like, wait, what? Implied boob. The boobs implied. The guy, he's going through like heat stroke in the desert,

and he thinks this woman walking up to him as a mirage. And so he feels her tits. And then she hits him with a furrow. frying pan. Yes. Oh my God. Yes. Yeah, I saw that with my dad in the theaters. Oh my God. I was hammered and pissed the seat, but he, uh, he didn't mind because he was too busy jerking off. Have you ever watched a look with your dad and both been like, I guess it never happens. I don't know. I don't think, I don't think I've ever bonded over a hot woman with my dad. I found it too uncomfortable. Yeah, I mean, like, my dad was ever like, that girl's hot. I would be like,

eh. I don't want our dicks to move at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's not good. Yeah. Yeah, Andrew. No, the only time that anything like that has happened was actually when I think I was 23. So it was a while ago, we were both

in Atlantic City. We took a little, like, a family trip on a long weekend, just him and I. And we were both talking to the same girl, actually. Just happened to make conversation and uh at the same time yeah it was like we were milling around like we were neither

of us gamble but we were walking around the casino like people watching yeah you lock fingers we went upstairs and we double teamed her and locked fingers and made eye contact yeah that's great oh there you go no that's a good that's where it was gone no i don't think of anything like that has ever happened to my dad oh did i step on your point was that where you're going it was i'm sorry unfortunately not worth the squeeze on that one. I was like, it's going to be so silly when I say what. Sorry, dude, I feel bad.

No, it's okay. Let it out. Tell it again. The thing I realized I could show for you, too, is like, I pride myself and, like, caring less about people think about me. But even in the last three minutes, I'm thinking of people in my life who are going to think I'm gay now. That's why I'm here.

Yeah. So they can point to me. Oh, no, no, he's the gay one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the fat friend and the dating pick. I'm the gay guy in your podcast. I thought he was gay, but compared to him, he's actually, he's a total stuff. It's so funny.

It's a good friend. Yeah. It's very sweet of you. I do appreciate that. I'm going to delete this, but, you know. It's on your camera. After we checked 10 times to see if it's recording, you're going to go over and be like, yeah, sorry, I didn't record it.

I'm so weird. I'm just really lonely. Yeah. I don't really have a lot of friends. Just wanted to hang. Or a sectional. it's funny the what's it called the fucking like because they do there's two of the moves there's the fat girl on the profile picture and then there's also the hot one so you think you're swiping

on the hot one yes which is the worst strategy you know under promise over deliver that's that used to be my theory i was like why would you look hotter on your hinge why would you trick people all the stuff and then i realized they're a lot of them are just trying to do good on the algorithm So they're making themselves look way skinnier And they're like, yeah, sure Once we get to the date, it's gonna be like whatever But we all know the truth. Men are pigs, he's gonna fuck me

No matter what I look like. Additionally, it's like, oh, you're now boosting the algorithm Like, Hinge is crazy. If you just start rejecting people on Hinge, it thinks you're fucking hot. Oh, interesting. Like, other ones don't do that. Like, I don't know, like, Field does not do that. Field's all location-based.

But Hinge straight up, I won't look at it. I'll just go, ew, ew, you, you, because if I do look at it, I'll be like, no, wait. Yeah, yeah. And then next thing you know, thinks I'm very handsome. The algorithm, that's interesting.

I didn't know that about it. Bobby Sheehan told me that. You gave me all these tricks. Interesting. Yeah. I didn't know that they, that dating apps had like an algorithm that we have to cater to now.

That's depressing. It's just like stand-up. You can't fuck in. Why can we just do the art? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I, always got to be some math.

Sorry. No, I, I was going to say the technology and algorithm is so, like, there's so much spying going on that, it heard you say that you know about it and next time you go to do that it's just going to still send you non-stop pigs oh you're you're it's going to be on to you dude you're gonna have to

apologize to hinge be like please send me hot babes who aren't lying about how skinny they are what if i just talk about how i'm gonna invest in hinge if i get good matches that's not that that would work yeah maybe that you're plotting to assassinate the tinder CEO oh yeah but only once find your true. Dude, who is that fucking just whore of a man? The guy who invented Tinder, you could probably Peter Thiel. Yeah, probably always. Because it's early to the game too. That was like, dude, do you remember

I remember Tinder? Like, you tell people you're like, yeah, me this girl on Tinder, they're like, dude, you're going to get fucking raped by a guy. Yeah. And then now it's just what it is. And you had to be like, oh, no. I guess I'll go check it out still. Yeah, I guess I'll have something to write about this week. I guess I'll go find

a story. You're like, I like that you're like a reporter. We're saying stand-up. You're like, I can't write about it unless I've done it. So that's what you're telling to the judge as he tries you for murder. Dude,

it's called gonzo journalism. I was just about saying you're doing gonzo stand-up. Yes. I go into the action. I'm like, you ever see what's it called a fucking civil war?

I was going to say civil war. I know you're talking about fear and love it, but civil war where they have the press things. Yeah, that's like me, but it says, I have a thing that says comedian and I just go to wild ordinary. I just kill a man.

And I go, no, no, no. It's for... It's for the bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How to press would you be if you're in, like, Ukraine or Gaza or something, and you see other people with press kits, and then the guy next to you is you're dying, his thing says comedian.

Oh, no. Yeah. This is just going to be a bad bit. Nobody hears at the pair. Yeah. My death is going to get 50 likes and two shares on Instagram two weeks later. You go to take the thing out, and it's not a letter to your family. It's just, like, ideas.

Premises based on... Watching your son die. Yes. Ukrainian kids, like, crossed out. Ukrainian adults. Like, just one of those. She's an overwritten joke. Soaked in blood.

Give this to my mom. She's like, did you just be shopping? Tell her to punch it up. Yeah, I fucking, I was talking to Ukrainian girl two nights ago. It was very interesting because I literally told her I do not want to fund her country, which was not like out of the blue,

but it just came up in conversation. She's like, just asked you to buy me a drink. Hey, okay, fucking Biden. Yeah, first it's a drink and then it's Patriot missiles. I know how this works. I'm not going to have billions of dollars go missing to you or whatever. Well, it was so funny because, like, we had a conversation and it's really funny because

I don't know anything about fucking geopolitics and we're just talking about stuff. And I was like, Ukraine used to be like a part of Russia, right? She's like, no, no, no, no. It was never part of Russia. It was part of USSR. I was like, what does the R stand for in U.S.S.R. And she's like, USSR is not Russia. And then I was just like, all right, whatever.

What is it? Republic. Oh, really? Union of Soviet Socialist Republic. Oh, okay. Well, I guess I'm a fucking retard. But that's what the R. That's the art.

Just can't handle being wrong a little bit. I would fucking bite down. I would love to see you on Jeopardy. Oh, well, I guess I'm a fucking idiot then, Alex. Is that right? He's like, my name's Ken. Alex is past. passed away. Oh, great. I guess I'm a truly fucking shithead. I guess I'm wrong about everything.

Yeah, okay. Shoot yourself on Jeopardy. Did you just see how cocky I said that? I was like, what does the R stand for? Honestly, though, for a second, you sold me on it. I watched your gears turn. Yeah. I was like, dude, she also explained this to me. She explained this very in depth to me that the R stood for Republic. Oh, really? And I was, I just, since then I have forgotten. You know, like, it's crazy the misinformation in Ukrainian schools. They tell you it stands for Russia. You should have probably, you should have gas litter

and like, nah, you don't know. You were born there? Yeah, there's a lot of fucking propaganda in Russia, which is where you grew up. There's funny. There's real estate areas where like I showed, Sunday was just fucking great. I had a great spot. The show went well.

Went by, my buddy's softball team goes drinking in like Brooklyn. So on my way home, I'm just like, oh, this is like a nice couple drinks on the way home. and then I took a little bit of Kalanapin, which, yes, I'm working on, you know, not doing drugs, but anyways, I was like, because I was like, I want to go to sleep,

I want to get a full eight hours or whatever. And then I didn't leave the bar in time. So, like, it started to sort of kick in when I saw this, like, Ukrainian girl, when I started talking to her. And you ever start talking to a girl at a bar? And then she says she has a boy from... The Kalonapens kicks in that.

Yeah. And then you're talking about... Your mom's reading your dead letter. Yeah. And the Kalana... Yeah. Well, it's funny too, because I'm like, I'm like, all right, I probably should be heading home. Zoom, but it's one of those where the girl says she has a boyfriend and you can't immediately

just turn around. Yeah. By the way, check the Instagram. Yeah. Check the Instagram. Yeah. So, yeah. But you can't, you can't turn around.

You know, you can't be like. Well, because you're also like, yes, but you're also like, well, she is still talking to me. So. See, I'm not like, my thing is I was just like, now I feel like I look like a dick if I just dip out of the conversation. Because like, it would be so funny. If the moment she starts saying boy, like, you're, before she. She said friend, you're turned around.

Just a shadowy silhouette of smoke in the shape of your body. It's gone. Yeah. It's like one of those like you, like there's sprint off. And there's a U-shaped hole in the wall. Or there was a hat that was on my head and I run. The hat is still there. You flush yourself down the toilet.

You take some chalk and draw a circle on the floor and lift the fucking climb through it. Just jump down. but we were talking about the U-credit it was just one of those things where I was like yeah I don't know I was like I don't know enough about it but I just don't I don't personally think we should be funding wars

but I was trying to explain to respect I was like my whole life I feel like we've funded wars that we shouldn't be doing so I don't know enough about this war to say we should I shouldn't be deciding in this I don't fucking vote so I'm like this isn't like affecting anything but it was one of those things too I was like I grew up we had a bunch of wars that we funded and then everybody was like why did we do that? So in my head, whether it's right or wrong to fund a war, I'm like,

okay, I want to learn about this before. I love that that's like a position that some people take umbrage with because essentially what you're saying is we should be skeptical about funding war. Yeah, yeah. Some people are like, whoa. It's like, dude, you're saying we shouldn't be spending our tax dollars on murder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, let me before I greenlight this. Exactly. Yeah. And it's like, that's like that's such a reasonable. take and I think not to continue cutting you off on your own podcast which is what I'm doing. No, I love you fucking fill

in an air time. Help me out. All right. So like if you look at us, we started with shit and then we went gay, now we're talking geopolitics. Yeah, this is normally the progression of the morning good podcast. I feel like if we don't believe in a conflict enough to send our people over, yes. Funding it

is a bullshit pussy move that's just purely for something other than justice. That's a good point. If there was some really fucked up shit going on that like we could get behind as a country, but we can't because there's, you know... And we don't do it either ways.

They're fucking doing crazy shit in like so many parts of Africa. They're like cutting women's clits off. Like there's a crazy genocide. There's all kinds of genocides across. I mean, like we're not going to fight the cartoon. What's up? What do they do with them? They make like a stack. Yeah.

They make a little bracelet, give them to sober guys. Hunter Biden. What is this? Oh, it's my African girl, Clay, race band. Yeah, it reminds me that

life's not so tough. I don't need to smoke correct this week. I could not have a

clitoris. I have 12 of them right now, so I'm fine. If Hunter Biden were those, though,

it would be like, okay, those are the women who, like, didn't do what you wanted in

the hotel room. Yeah, you know, it'd be a little suspect. I just didn't know that he was six years,

oh, sorry, we, we, no, but about the funding the war, I was just watching

this thing yesterday about Vietnam. You guys seen there's a documentary on Netflix called Turning Point. It's like five episodes. It's great. We had at some point, we didn't enter the war for years. We kept sending military equipment over, but also we had 16,000 military advisors over there.

That's what they were designated, not soldiers, advisors. But these guys were like flying helicopters to get the South Vietnamese to fight the Viet Cong, and they're shooting on the helicopters. That's good advice. We're not a duck. We're shooting at you. Yeah, well, we're not. officially at war, but then people are getting their like sons remains and the flag sent back

to them. And they're like, what the, I thought you were just an advisor. And they're like, yeah, advising went south, I guess. Gave some bad advice. Really turned on him. But yeah, it is, that is crazy to not directly fight it. But then that begs the question is, you just have to have someone so unequivocally evil that we're willing to do that. And I don't think that exists outside of like Nazi Germany. You could argue that for Putin. It's almost like there's not much justification for war. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah. Yeah. When it's also in those things too where it's like, I would just say it was a crazy experience really having to stand behind my beliefs because you're looking at somebody who's like lost friends and family in a war. And it was like a really weird experience to like look somebody in the eyes who's lost so much.

And don't honor. Smoke or a war. Boom! Boom. Interface talking shit. I don't even care. You won't fuck me anyway. We can't just be throwing money around.

Hey, does everybody want shots? Yeah. We can't just be sponsoring people who aren't doing anything for us. By the way, I know you have a boyfriend. Would you like a drink? Yeah. Yeah.

It was just a crazy thing to have to be like, I just don't. But as I said, I also, I don't know about it. But also people always go like, oh, so should we not go to war war, we didn't go into war war war, because of the Holocaust. We didn't know about that to like happen.

We didn't even believe it. Who thinks we went to it because of the Holocaust? Who thinks that? A lot of people. Yeah. What about Pahaba? They don't know about Pahabah. The too busy remembering 9-11.

And people's minds are so the day that shall live on in infamy. Yeah. And overwrite Pearl Harbor, evidently. Yeah. Do you guys think, I was thinking about this recently watching the Vietnam thing and so much propaganda was like people were like, I didn't know what communism was. I just knew it was evil and we had to fight it. Do you guys think this whole, like for you, not centuries, decades that we've, we're like China's the great enemy.

It's our huge adversary. Do you think that's all totally overblown? Dude, absolutely. It feels completely overblown. And I feel like Chinese people, like similar to Americans, on the whole, don't give a shit about America. Don't really think we're a threat and like, think we're fine. Yeah, I kind of would agree with that. I think, well, I think the one thing that kind of bothered me was like, I've talked.

talk to Americans that have gone to China and I've heard a couple things that I'm like that's kind of spooky. I don't think the Chinese people necessarily feel a certain way but like my buddy was just talking about how like they did like the thing where like randomly they get on the announcements and then everybody's just like basically doing like well I guess I guess if you show a pledge

of allegiance you kind of think of the same fucking thing right? What are they doing China with the announcements? It was just like randomly everybody would stop in public. In the city the speaker would be like, oh yeah. I mean I can't do it. Oh that's so it's like you're in school but it's like the whole country. The like PA comes on. It's a prince of per talking. Do you have a Zinn by chance?

I don't have any more. I'm sorry. I was hoping you would have some. Can you... Your bad host. Can you tell me if the announcement was for information, or was it some sort of Pledge of Allegiance-style shit? See, I have no idea, because I don't think I'm called a prayer. Yeah, because if it wasn't like just a

announcement, then yeah, that's weird. But, like, I was on the subway the other day, and I was like, I hate that fucking people in New York don't shut the fuck up when an announcement comes on. I was on the subway car. It was like just everybody's yapping and it's already hard enough to hear. I'm like okay, well, I wanted to do some Seinfeldian shit just stand up and be like,

oh, okay, I guess maybe we're going express. Are we going express now? You all wanted to talk and now we're going express. Was it worth it? I have shit running down my leg. And I'm three stops away from where it's supposed to be. See, I have mixed feelings on that because it is super annoying because

I hate not hearing what the announcements are on the fucking train. But a lot of times that people have already given up that they're gonna hear it. That's I think what's going on. Because I have never heard a clear announce on the train. It's probably one out of every eight I make out. Yeah. But in my mind

too, I'm also just like, I could talk. Like I get really, I turn into a fucking rebellious douche a lot where I'm like, oh, I have to listen to the announcements, even though they're helping me. Yeah, you become a bill right, sim. You're like, I'm going to actually I just have my fucking right right now.

Screaming at the speaker. Am I being detained? The window's open enough, sir. What is he talking about? You were not legally allowed to hold me in this car. What else with China was spooky? So I talked to Ben Frank and he just said like, during COVID, it started to like lockdown and stuff like that.

Well, sure, I mean. During COVID? Like when it started. And I think what he was saying was like, it started to just feel, I don't remember exactly what he said, but I think he said things were starting to get bad. Like, I think there was like an escalation with Gigi Ping where, like, I think it was like it started maybe like he wasn't that intense. But I'd have to have him on. I really don't want to misquote him or anything.

But he basically said that, you know, did, I forgot what he said. Okay, that's fine. Well, I mean, I know that, I, just to get back to what you were saying about China maybe being more benevolent. than we think it is. We're just apathetic. Well, I mean, I think the story is, like what you were saying, we're told that it's our enemy,

that it's our great enemy, that, you know, the shit's fucking weird over there and it's bad and dangerous. Yeah. And that's at least what I thought you were saying, because that's what we're kind of told over here. That's right. And you're saying, is that bullshit,

is it complete? Because it was bullshit basically with Vietnam. And then the South Vietnamese, who was like the democracy, he became almost a war's, dictator than Ho Chi Min. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I agree with you. I think that we are probably on some level being manipulated about our enemies. Even if they are legit, our enemies, we might be getting bad info about what life is like over there. Yeah, why wouldn't you, if you were like a U.S. government or media, why wouldn't you just had a little bit extra to it? You know what I mean? Of course. Maybe they're like strict, but in your mind you're going to be like, nah. Let's see they're really bad, just to really get the point across.

You're looking at a picture. You're like, how about we lengthen those two front teeth a little bit? Yeah. How about we, you know, just make some adjustments. Oh, dude, absolutely. Have you seen the old propaganda pictures that our country generated for like Japanese people in the war? Holy shit. I mean, it would, if ChatGPT made that today, it would make that.

Grock, I actually have GROC. You have Groc. You have a factory set up. It's printing large scale posters. and he actually has Asian children working in that factory. That's true. That's what the image is on.

I have buck-toothed. Oh, Jesus, great. I'm not even going to continue to... Because I'm trying to think of, like, visually. I feel like... Because I'm not thinking if I've seen a buck-tooth... I think it's not that common. No.

No, as a... You're right, though. As a caricature, like, it'd be a bad caricature artist. You're like, you emphasize something that wasn't even there. Yes. Yeah, the eyes, it's like, yeah, of course. But the...

I mean, sure, yeah. Yeah, the eyes of skin, the hat, whatever. The hair. The car crashes. Yeah, of course. I did, I think once in my life I've seen an Asian guy who looked like the propaganda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It made me laugh out loud in a library.

Yeah. Well, we've all seen the guy who looks like the racist stereotype and it makes you feel strange. It does. I will say this. There's a, out of all of them, the Jewish guy looks the most like the Jews. You're like, like this. They have to embellish the least. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, that is, like, JJ Lieberman has a bit about how he, like, looks like the guy. Yeah, he can really. And then I've seen just other guys that look like that. Yeah. But, you know, I think I'm so unantySemitic that I would see that propaganda picture. I'm like, what's wrong with that?

It's just a good-looking guy. That'd be really funny. That's such a funny take on claiming to not be anti-Semitic. They're holding up, like, some horrible, very, very offensive. Horish image. There's horse horns. They're like, you made this, what the fuck is wrong with you? And you're like, yeah, there's nothing wrong with looking like that.

I like how you look. I thought that. Do you remember when Cuomo's office put out that picture of Zoron that was really contrasted and his beard was a little longer and he looked a little darker? Wait, that is really funny. And then Zoron was like, they're trying to make me look like a terrorist. And in my head, I was like, buddy, you think that's what a terrorist looks like? That's pretty fucked up.

He's like, that's a fucking terrorist. Yeah. And he's like, that's not what I am. I keep my shit trimmed up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not like the fucking Mujah Hadin over there. Ryan O'Toole has such a good bit about that. He's like, nobody looks, he's like, I like to Osama bin Laden.

Because nobody looked more like their job than him. Like nobody, you know, it looks like, what is he an electrician? Yeah. So fucking funny. Yeah. Yeah, that whole, it's really funny. I've stayed very much out of the email. Rays.

Not to jump off talk, but, dude, I've been watching that thing on a Rob Ford. Yeah, great. What is this? So Rob, Toronto, mayor of Toronto. Mayor of Toronto. Crack addict, right? Yeah.

Yes. What's the, is it a docu series or something? Just one and done. Nice. That's how it should be. Let's go back to our roots, guys. Yeah, I don't know why we're doing five mini-series, you know. What's it on?

Netflix. Okay, cool. So he, like, I mean, just imagine, like, a Chris Farley guy who smokes crack and says awesome shit all the time. It's Mayor Farley. Yeah, he's Mayor Farley. Yes. Dude, there's, and by the way, it's also funny too, you can see.

And everyone loves him. Yeah, yeah. It's Mayor Farley. Like, he's, he's, he's deeply troubled. He's in a bad way. He's addicted to drugs. He's so fucking fat. And everyone's like, yeah, Rob Ford for a second term.

Yeah, yeah, they love them. My favorite thing is they were like, the quote was the best, where they're like, so, uh, you said, uh, he's like, a lot of people are saying that I, uh, ate my secretary's pussy. I assure you I have enough to eat at home. And then just, walks away. He said that to like a fucking bouquet of mics

that were in front of him at a press conference. Like everyone's and everyone's like, did he just say pussy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he says like, I have enough pussy to eat at home. It's so funny. That is fucking wild. Did he say that while he was in office? Yep. Yeah, well, he was embroiled in the kind

of the crack scandal and like a video came out. I know about the video. Yeah. But it's kind of like he is of and with his constituents. he's doing crack with the people who voted him in. He's a man of the soil. Man of the people.

Soil of the earth. What's it called? Grassroots. Salt of the earth. Salt of the earth. Bath salts of the earth. Yeah, he probably did some of those. Yeah.

And also, too, it's so funny too, because it's like him, like, they were like, he was at trap houses. Like, he wasn't like he was just smoking crack like an ice place. So, like, he's in the community. Yes, dude, there's picture of it. There's great picture of him with these, like, kind of thuggish dudes one time. It's amazing. I want to get on a shirt. How do they look thuggish?

You know, they're just like... We're in yarmikas and they have horns. Just a couple white guys. And there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. But yeah, there's that shit. And then there was like, dude, him knocking over that woman was so fun. Wait, somebody's like yelling at him and like,

what do you call that? Like, the area, they're in like a courthouse or something? Yeah, they're in, like, a Senate house or you know, what the fuck is the government building called were they held the Senate? Yeah, basically parliament. This Canada have a parliament? I'm so fucking stupid.

I think so. Hey, buddy. Hey, you came up with parliament and I'm like all hail the fucking brainiac over here. Oh, you know we had a Canuck over here. Yeah, so they're in Canadian parliament. And he's going to tackle this guy and this woman accidentally sets a pick. And he bowls her over. He's like 500 pounds.

And then he has to like catch her on the way down. Like, shit, I'm sorry. Like somebody was just talking shit to him. He's like, hey. Yeah. And he runs and just like trucks an old lady by accident. And then like, she's just fucking bystander getting bold over. But you could totally make an argument.

The mayor of whatever city should be doing drugs with the people of the city. Yes. To understand the plight, he has to do gonzo mayoring. He's got to be a gonzo mayor. Yes. Well, I was thinking about this, because I'm watching that Hunter Biden thing today, I'm like, he should run for president. Yeah.

He should run for president. I trust him more than any other politician. I've seen his weiner. I trust a man who's penis I've seen. I've seen him. Hunter would be a top. self. Okay, but RFK used to do fucking heroin

and shit. So it's like, you know what I mean? I don't think it's just about the drugs though. Like, Rob was also going to people's, you know, he's picking up lunches. He's helping kids get home from school and their parents. Like, he was in the community. And people like, I don't know how he's able to do this. He's everywhere at once. It's like, well, it's probably the crack. He's in a horrible shape.

Obviously, he's not like Rob Lowe. He doesn't have like crazy amounts of energy. He's on crack. But he's also like helping people build their decks. He's taking people. He's picking up mail when people are on vacation. He's taking copper out of their walls. He's cleaning their gutters. Right.

Lightning their loads. But Hunter Biden wasn't doing that shit. He wasn't being, you know, the handyman around town. Right. We was doing like some foreign stuff. Like he did a lot for AIDS and stuff like that. Yeah, but you can't get elected president. I mean, who's going to elect him? The fucking People's Republic

of China? This is true. Or wherever he went? Slam. Yeah. People's Russia of China? Come on. There's also thing about the look of just like a fat, like a fat guy in like a suit. Like Chris Farley looking who's just high on crack. It looks, I just love the visual of this man. I don't know.

It's like a, it's like a kind of, I don't know how to describe it. It's like, you're, I don't know. It's like, we see a fat guy wearing a t-shirt. You're like, eh, you see a fat guy in a suit? He's not supposed to move that fast. I think it reminds me of like, you ever see these reels? I get these real sometimes of like these truck, like trailers.

you know that haul trucks. It's just the trailer, so it's just the rig, and they've souped it up, so it has, like, a fighter engine in it. It's just at, like, some fucking country-ass event where it's on this track, it's nighttime, and all of a sudden, fire just comes out of the back of it. It's got, like, a NASA engine in.

That's a fat guy on crack. You're like, oh, that's going to explode if that does this for any real amount of time. But think about how many people he's going to help. Yes. Yeah, but it's entertainment for the people. Yes. Like, that's who's at those truck,

truck fucker events. You also see it, too. You're like, oh, this is so cool because this guy, like, he almost looks like he's working harder because he's fat. When I see a fat guy in a suit. Because life is harder.

Yes, you're like, you're like, this guy's got late nights at the office. That's the problem with Hunter is he's too attractive. He has like a chiseled chin. That's a good point. He has a nice face. It's like a hateable,

like, oh, you probably think you're better than me. President's son. President's son, exactly. You got to be, yeah, You got to be a fat guy in a suit. He's got a wrist full of African clits. Yeah. Right.

You got to be wearing like three undershirts just to soak up all your sweat from just living. Yeah. That's the guy you want on your team. Oh, totally, dude. Like a fat guy where you can see. My favorite is the fat guy in the suit who you could see it's a wife beater under there, which is like just don't. We'd rather see your nipples than see that you're wearing a wife beater under your suit.

Do you get what I'm saying? Just under the blazer? Under the button down. Like when it's like, you know something wears like a really thin button down. Instead of wearing like a hidden kind of t-shirt, you can just clearly see. they have a tank top. You're like, there's no mystery here. You're a tank top guy, but you're just like hiding it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The outline of the tank top is exposed because their shirt is sucked to their body with the sweat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, wife beat or blazer, that's like a, that's like a guy who owns a chain of like really dangerous carnivals. Absolutely. You know, wife beat or blazer. That's a crazy look. Yeah, or like a pickup artist.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that actually seems like something Usher wears every day. Yeah. Just a, like a jacket and a ribbed tank. Yeah, but he's also the black eye rules. You know, I mean, they're totally different. Yeah, he did a tiny desk concert. He's wearing like a choker.

Really? You know, yeah, it's like, it's different rules. Yeah, yeah. It's, you know, he's on Earth's sun and the, he's on Earth and our son gives him more power. He's like Superman. Yes, exactly. I was really stumbling to get that out. I was wondering where you were going.

I was like, fucking. Keep the balloon in the air, though. I'll see where this lands. Where's the red sun planet for him? So Krypton has a red sun so you don't have powers on it. So what's like the red sun for Usher where he like can't get away with dressing? Probably Atlanta. Yeah, it's true.

Probably somewhere in Atlanta where someone will call him gay. Yeah, that's a good point. Someone cooler than him who maybe looks as gay or more gay. That's ridiculous. It'll be another gay guy. Yeah, yeah. Or not another gay guy. He was like his Usher Strait.

Try to start rumors? I don't know. Yeah, you hear it here first, folks. Didn't he get down at the freakoffs, maybe against his, what, didn't Usher? Wasn't he implicated? Tell me. Maybe as a victim or something. To get out of this hole. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, he wants to get into this hole. I'm trying to get in that hole. Yeah, yeah. No, I don't know. I feel like he was, like, victimized or something at the freakoffs. I don't know that. You know what? I will say this.

That's possible. I feel like I've heard, I think I know what you're talking about. I also, I mean, I didn't mean to cut you off, dude. I don't have anything to say. Okay. Yeah, no, freakoffs. I really hope that the, you know, P, if anything good could come out of the P. Diddy situation, that maybe the male black community

could be a little less homophobic. That could be... You think that's going to happen? Do you think that's going to happen from the Diddy situation? I don't see how that happens. Why do they look at this and you go, you know what? We've been all... Why, you think the diddy thing happened because of the homophobia? He's like, I got to go underground and slippery. Damn, that is so funny, dude. Well, I just think that like maybe if you found out the coolest guys were having gay sex. Maybe you go maybe gay sex isn't the least cool thing. I thought you were saying that like look what our homophobia allows to be done to us. Which by the way leads me to a second topic, which I think is fun.

Yeah, when you take it underground, it becomes way more dangerous and unregulated. Right. Legalized. Gay shit. I mean, you're saying legalized. Legalized black gay sex. That's a great sure. That's a great.

Yes, absolutely. Legalized black gay sex on the front and then whatever the fuck we said. Do you think if I wore that, somebody would fight me? Somebody in Atlanta. The same guy who was calling Usher Gay. He's got his hands full that night. Yeah. All right.

So hear me out about the ditty parties and the freakoffs. I know that there was very extreme shit happening there, but a lot of it was just gay, right? I think it's funny that in like, this is going to sound very wrong. Do you see, do you see? I feel like I know where you're going. The CIA honey trapped, like, politicians

and the Epstein, you look at the Epstein list. It's a lot of white people and they're fucking kids because, like, that's the level. So maybe the black community is right with their homophobia because, like, if they keep some adult homosexual sex as the taboo thing, then they don't have to go to kids to blackmail people. Okay. Because men in their minds are as bad as kids. That is 3D chess.

Sure. That is 3D chess in the park. Whatever gets me out of sounding like a racist monster. A fatifile right now. Yes, homosexuality and you're saying could be viewed as equally bad. Yeah.

As pedophilia. If you keep it, well, no. Blackmailable. Blackmailable. Blackmailable. Blackmailable, yeah. Okay.

Because that's what a lot of it was, right? It was like, I heard there were things that would happen. I don't know if this is confirmed, but the rumor is that like you would get a bunch of dudes would fuck you on camera after you got, like you get fucked up.

You'd be talking to like a black record company like bad boy records like that. They'd give you drugs, get all fucked up. You get ass fucked on camera. And they go, all right, we could either release this or you sign this predatory deal. Yeah. The deal seems very unpretatory now.

After you guys ass raped to me and drugged me, this seems like the deal itself is not predatory. Yeah. The whole thing's predatory. Yeah. Were there kids, were there underage people of the ditty things, though? I think so, right?

That's the only hole in that theory. Yeah. You'll hear a story. I didn't hear, I hadn't heard that. I like I say that like I'm in the circles with this. I'm like from everything I know. Yeah, and I know people who are close. Yeah, yeah, real close.

I think there was one story I heard on the news where they're like, they're like, yeah, I was at a Diddy party. And I remember it was just weird because I was a kid and there was like adults making out there. I'm like, hey, well, you weren't at the freak up. I think the freak off was a separate occasion. But, um, well, a kid was there. That's, right. But it was a daytime party at P.Ditty's house.

So it's like, okay. Okay. But I don't think it was like the freak off. It's like when you have a family party and then the kids all go to bed and then it becomes an adult party. So you have like a 10-hour kind of party. You know what I mean? It's like a wedding. It's like a wedding.

It's like, Yeah, it's like, poking their heads down over the stair railing, watching. Yeah. Selena Gomez. Just take 10 dicks. Trying to eavesdrop, but they accidentally slide down the railing because everything's covered. That's an interesting, that's an interesting question, though.

What do you think the P. D.D.E. stuff is going to worsen or help erase homophobia in the black community because there are a lot of free ditty people like I saw the protesters outside the ditty trial like the free ditty people and you

you gotta wonder if it's just because of music it's like hey man love is love. Yeah I don't know. Yeah I don't know it's a thing I mean look I gotta have more black teachers this podcast but it is a thing it is it is like I guess so it is like

it is like equal to redneck homophobia. Like, as in, like, I'm not saying black people, I'm saying, like, a hood black guy, a lot of times I've talked to a black guy that, like, will not even joke about gay sex. Yes. To a degree that you're like, for sure.

And it's for me, it's just such a foreign concept because, like, for me, I grew up on jackass and things like that where, like, gay sex was fun. It was like a funny thing. Yeah. And you would like... It's one of the pillars of white comedy. Yeah.

Exactly. Yeah. Is being okay with calling people and yourself gay. That, 100%. That hating your wife and racism. Yeah. Yeah. And like your dick's insufficient.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know. But these are all questions we'll answer with a black guy next week. Thank you guys for listening.

That's been the other. What do you guys want to promote? You can check out my podcast, overshadowed podcast. Incredible podcast, really. Thank you. We just had Mark Coppola, Nick Cage's older brother and Francis Ford's nephew on because someone's deleting him off of Wikipedia. And so we had to get on there to kind of repopulate the, internet. It's very bizarre. So yeah, that's coming out soon. Zach Russell comedy on Instagram.

You can follow me on Instagram at Erase Coppola. I'm doing a lot of good work. I have a recurring show at Grove 34. It's probably the last Tuesday of every month. You can check that out. Growth 34 in Astoria Queens. And follow me on Instagram, please, at The Andrew Man Thing, I believe. Thanks. Thanks for having me. I love that you're like, you had the most creative name. I think it was something really genius. Because it's a very funny name. And you're like, I think that's what I thought of that day.

It's either Andrew Mann thing or Andrew the Andrew Man thing. I can't remember. Yeah, that's the only thing. All right, well, fucking thank you guys. That's the only man thing. Thank you.